I want to show you something that a woman on our private support group posted yesterday,
I underlined the particularly important parts.
Now, as you can imagine for a woman who desperately wants her ex back having that ex tell her that he is moving on and that she should as well can be devastating. Now, the woman who posted this screenshot of his text was very upset.
However, she asked me the inevitable question that almost all women ask,
Should I tell him to go F*ck Himself…
Wait… no that’s not right.
One sec let me consult my notes.
Ah, here it is.
She asked me,
Well, rather than answering her directly (since it’s going to take me about a week to answer her properly) I decided to do a deep dive and answer her through this article instead!
After all, I am sure there are millions of other women out there that can benefit from learning what the heck your ex boyfriend really means when he says that you should move on.
So, rather than listen to me ramble on let’s just cut right to the chase and answer the burning question that’s probably been plaguing your mind ever since your stupid ex opened his mouth.
(I will always be on your side FYI!)
Does He Really Mean It When He Tells Me To Move On?
Yep, I decided to get right to the heart of the thing that is bugging you.
Now, what I am about to say may be a tad bit controversial so make sure you listen up.
I want to start off by saying that I have some bad news and some good news.
Which would you like to hear first?
The bad news, eh?
Ok, brace yourself because this is probably going to hurt to read but just know that I have some good news (and some hope) that is soon to follow.
Are you ready?
Have you grabbed on to your chair or seat or whatever you are near to get in your bracing position?
The Bad News = Your ex boyfriend absolutely means it…
Ok, now let me quickly jump into the good news.
The Good News = He may have only meant it in that exact moment and it may have no bearing of what he wants in the future…
Let me ask you a question.
Have you ever gotten super angry at someone and said something quite rude to them without actually meaning it?
I am pretty sure we have all been there.
It’s entirely possible that your ex got caught up in the heat of the moment from the breakup and said something that he didn’t mean.
Now, for all of you naysayers out there chanting “bullsh*t” let me tell you a little about how we roll here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
I usually don’t say something on this site without proof backing it up.
In other words, I would like to show you the real proof I have of this idea of a man saying something in the heat of the moment and not really meaning it.
Now, Sarah was one of the lucky women who got her ex boyfriend back after enrolling in our private support group!
Do you care to take a guess at what Sarah’s ex boyfriend told her when they broke up?
This is it…
We are never getting back together...
You should move on because that’s what I am going to do too…
He said these things during the heat of the breakup and obviously didn’t mean them when he wanted to get back with her later.
Just watch the 35 minute interview I did with her above if you want the rest of the details.
Now, the question you are probably wondering at this point is,
I get it Chris but how the heck am I supposed to know if he really meant it when he told me to move on?
Ah, well a few years ago I would have just told you to wait around and see how things panned out.
Basically the equivalent of one of these,
However, after gaining more experience with men who have said this to their exes and then turned around and came back my team and I have began to notice certain patterns that have been universally exhibited and I am going to let you in on those “patterns” today.
Are you ready to rock?
Patterns Men Exhibit When They Don’t Really Mean To Tell You To Move On
Alright, so I have identified three very distinctive behaviors/patterns that men exhibit when they tell you to “move on” but don’t really mean it.
Those patterns are as follows,
- Telling You To Move On And Then Not Leaving You Alone
- Making A Romantic Declaration Of Some Sort
- Dating Someone New Very Quickly And Then Breaking Up Very Quickly
Of course, me just telling you these patterns aren’t enough.
On the contrary, I have always believed that details are essential if you want to understand what the heck is going on in your ex boyfriends mind.
So, that is what I am going to spend the rest of this article.
Defining exactly what I mean when I list each of these patterns.
Pattern #1: Telling You To Move On And Then Not Leaving You Alone
I have always been of the belief that actions speak louder than words.
This is especially true when you are dealing with someone going through a breakup where emotions run high and they often won’t say what is really on their mind. I learned a long time ago that if you want to get to the bottom of what someone truly feels then you need to study how they act after a breakup.
For example, if your ex boyfriend tells you to move on and he never talks to you again (even after you try to talk to him) then it’s a pretty safe bet that he meant what he said.
In other words, he told you one thing and backed it up with the action of silence which everyone in the “ex recovery” game knows is a bad thing as it relates to your own ex boyfriend.
But what if the opposite happens?
What if your ex boyfriend tells you to move on and then proceeds to send you text messages like this over the next few days,
Well, he is saying one thing with his words but his actions are clearly saying another thing, aren’t they?
You know, I’ll never forget one thing I read from renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel when she was interviewing a couple that was trying to rebuild after an affair,
When Debbie brings up the affairs, Marc alternates between justifying and blaming himself.
It’s almost like this pendulum swinging back and forth where a person can flip/flop their position from one end to the other.
The analogy has always stuck with me because I have experienced this very same phenomenon with the men and women I work with who experience breakups.
One day they can be on top of the world very excited about how things are progressing and the next they swing to the other end of the spectrum cursing me that I am not helping them enough.
Breakups tend to have this spectrum swinging affect on humans and your ex boyfriend is no different.
One minute he can be steadfast in his belief that you should get over him and the next moment he could be having this internal conversation with himself where he is literally thinking,
Why did I tell her that? I don’t want her to be over me…
And that’s where this pattern comes into play.
If you find that your ex can’t seem to stop talking to you after he tells you to “move on” it could be a sign that the pendulum is swinging the other way.
Pattern #2: Making A Romantic Declaration Of Some Sort
Let’s go down this rabbit hole a little bit further.
Now that you have grasped my pendulum analogy you probably have a little insight into why your ex boyfriend may be giving you mixed signals by telling you to move on. Hell, you have probably experienced the pendulum playing with your emotions yourself.
So, I’d like to throw out a hypothetical here for a moment.
Lets pretend that your ex boyfriend told you very specifically that he wants you to move on. However, after the fact you find that he keeps messaging you and talking to you.
Basically he exhibits pattern one in spades.
But this time he takes it a step further and makes a romantic declaration.
Romantic Declaration = Something your ex says to you that can be taken in a romantic way
I feel it’s important to spend some time defining specific romantic declarations your ex is likely to make since I realize I am dealing with women who tend to read into every little action that he does.
Generally the type of romantic declaration I am talking about ISN’T going to be this,
That’s what I would call a “GRAND” romantic declaration.
While it’s not impossible for an ex to suddenly have an epiphany and want to win you back it is unlikely and it would be a waste of your precious time sitting around waiting for it to happen.
Instead, it’s likely that the type of romantic declarations you will receive can go a little like this,
You and your ex are texting at a pretty good clip and all of a sudden he texts you this,
“I really miss you!”
Notice how it’s not overly romantic. It’s almost as if he let his guard down and let you in on the internal conversation going on in his head.
You want to make sure you pay attention to things like this because they are important.
Another popular romantic gesture I see a lot of ex boyfriends making is calling their ex by a “pet name.”
Pet Name: Something he used to call you often instead of your name
For example, my wife will sometimes call me,
These are all her little pet names for me.
Now, I know for a fact that it’s meant to be sweet and romantic by nature because she doesn’t call other men in her life by these names. Instead, they are all reserved for me.
(And I suppose we are going to have a major problem if she does start calling other men by these names.)
Here is my point.
If your ex boyfriend begins calling you by your “pet name” then it’s a small little romantic gesture that is giving you insight into his frame of mind.
The pendulum may be swinging back towards hoping you don’t move on.
Pattern #3: Dating Someone New Very Quickly And Then Breaking Up Very Quickly
I saved the most outrageous pattern for last because it is so counter intuitive.
Before I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I was under the impression that if you were trying to get an ex boyfriend back it’s never good if that ex boyfriend starts dating a new girl.
And for the most part I still believe that is the case.
There is one particular circumstance where the rules slightly change.
Care to take a guess at what that circumstance is?
Ok, ok… I kind of gave the answer out in the heading but I am trying to keep things exciting for you 🙂 .
The circumstance is if your ex quickly jumps into a relationship with a new girlfriend after your breakup and then quickly breaks up with her.
Remember what we learned from pattern one?
Words don’t matter as much as actions and by dating a new girl your ex boyfriend is clearly taking a bold action.
But what are these actions telling us?
Well, lets study what is actually going on.
Action #1 = Your Ex Boyfriend Quickly Jumping Into A Relationship With Someone New
This action tells us a couple of things.
Firstly, the fact that he was so quick to jump into a new relationship means that he is definitely hurt by his breakup with you.
Now, generally the public believes that moving on this quickly is a negative behavior but what if I were to tell you that it’s not.
What if I were to tell you that one of the fastest ways to get over a relationship is to actually go on the rebound.
Would you believe me?
Probably not but numerous studies have clearly stated that it is.
Of course, that is probably a nightmare for you to hear as you are probably reading this article to figure out if your ex boyfriend even wants you back, right?
Well, the good news is that we still have another action to explore!
Action #2 = Your Ex Boyfriend Quickly Breaking Up With The New Girl
Have you ever heard of the grass is greener syndrome?
If not then I’d highly recommend you check out this amazing article I wrote on it a few years back.
In it I talk about this idea of an internal rating system that men have when they date someone.
The premise is really simple.
Basically a man keeps this internal rating system (let’s use a 1 – 10 scoring system for the purposes of this example) to measure how satisfied he is with the relationship. Now, most women think that once they get their “grade” it’s set in stone.
For example, they think that if they are given an 8 out of 10 by a man that, that is their grade forever from that particular man.
But that’s not how it works.
On the contrary, the grade a woman is given evolves and changes each and every day depending on his satisfaction with the relationship.
For example, a woman is probably going to get a lot of high scores at the beginning of the relationship (8 – 10’s) as she navigates her way through the honeymoon period.
But that grade is bound to go down as she gets out of the honeymoon period and more fights or arguments accumulate.
Maybe by the time that it’s all said and done he has her rated as a 6.
Now let’s make things really interesting and tie this point system back into action two here.
Let’s say your ex boyfriend rated you as a 7 by the end of your relationship with him and he immediately jumped into a relationship with a new girl. Now, upon entering a new relationship with a new girl he is going to be comparing your score to her new score.
At first her score is probably going to be higher but that’s bound to happen with the excitement of the honeymoon period but that will always wear off and his score for his new girlfriend is going to drop.
Let’s say that it drops to a 5.
So, where you were a 7…
She was a 5…
Do you see where I am going with this?
He is going to break up with her because he will have found out for himself how great he had it with you.
It’s the grass is greener syndrome in a nutshell.
And I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this phenomenon in action.
It’s almost comical but I suppose in a weird way it makes complete sense.
Sometimes men just have to found out how difficult it is to fine an amazing woman like you on their own.
There is no substitute for experience!