When Chris asked me to write this article, I must admit I was totally stumped.
I never really gave too much thought as to why an ex would want to remain friends with me. Have you?
I mean, I’ve had some pretty bad dates, break ups, and yes, even hook ups. After each one ended I would tell myself,
“You’ll never hear from this person again. Time to move on.”
And EVERY time 6 months, a year, even 5 years later each one of these guys has popped back into my life, usually when I’m on my A game. I usually tell my girlfriends when this happens and we have a good laugh…but there are a few of my exes who have come back into my life and stuck around.I’ll get into two scenarios that I’m currently dealing with later on in this article. I really wanted to write this piece with all of the information that I could gather to help not only you gain some insight into why your ex wants to be your friend.
I’ll get into two scenarios that I’m currently dealing with later on in this article.I really wanted to write this piece with all of the information that I could gather to help not only you gain some insight into why your
I really wanted to write this piece with all of the information that I could gather to help not only you gain some insight into why your exboyfriend would want to be friends with you but to also learn something new myself.
After googling, a Facebook poll, and even going as far as picking the brain of one of my exes (who also happens to be one of my closest friends) this is what I gathered for you ladies! In this article, I’m going to cover the negative, the positive, and share a few personal examples with you as to why your ex may want to be friends with you. Let’s start with the bad news….
We’ll dig into those a little more in a minute, but before you start panicking let’s get to the GOOD news!
- He still has feelings for you (He’s Using The “Being There” method)
- Mutual Support
- He Trusts You
- Children and shared resources
- To minimize drama between you or your social circle
- Your relationship was built on a solid friendship
Diving Into the Downside
First, let’s talk about the negative reasons an ex would want to be friends with you.
A couple of factors go into this. It all depends on the type of person your ex is. Luckily we have someone who is an expert on your ex! You!
I’m going to go over a few personal examples that cover each of these reasons.
The first one I’d like to go over is loneliness. We all go through times where we feel like we have no one to turn to or who understands us. Sometimes it just boils down to missing a person that fills that void in your heart.
More often than not…especially when I’m fresh out of a break up I want to reach out to a person who I know completely gets me. Accepts the good, the bad, and the ugly. That person….errrh. Just happens to be one of my ex boyfriends.
Now, before you start jumping to conclusions, I want to clarify that “N” and I have come a loooooong way. And it took a lot of time to get to where we are at today.
You see, if I would reach out to one of my girlfriends post heartbreak they would just say,
“He’s an a**hole, you deserve so much better.”
And as kind as those words are, they aren’t really helpful. Where as with “N” he tells me the truth, even if it’s going to hurt my feelings, but you see, this helps me grow and avoid making crucial mistakes or being able to see red flags before I become too invested. He helps me see things from the guy’s point of view and that can be REALLY handy!
Now, “N” and I didn’t speak for years after we dated. We never texted each other with “I miss you” or any of that.
If your ex is reaching out saying, “I miss you”, sure, that could mean he misses you. But it could just boil down to the fact that he doesn’t like being alone.
I think it’s difficult sometimes for a guy to talk to family or his friends about how he is feeling. Especially after a breakup, so if some time has gone by he may turn to you. Now, this may not always be a negative reason, but I would be careful. If he is just texting you when it’s convenient for him and then can’t return a text if you reach out… chances are he’s either lonely or bored. And you don’t need to deal with that!
He’s Using You
The next reason and probably the worst reason an ex would want to remain friends with you is that you can do something for him, like sex or monetary support.
Again, I’m going to give you an example. We are going to call these folks “Amber” and “Dave”. Now, Amber has a successful career and makes quite a lot of money. She starts dating Dave…who doesn’t have a steady job or lacks the motivation to hold a steady job.
Amber and Dave date for awhile and then they break up…..but it doesn’t take long for Dave to pop back into Amber’s life. Amber starts to think,
“Wow! Maybe there’s a chance that we can work things out!”
But Dave has another motive. Dave recently left one of the many jobs he bounces back and forth from. He doesn’t want Amber, he wants money. He remembers the expensive gaming system Amber bought him for Christmas and the Range Rover that she drives. So, Dave comes crawling back, extending an olive branch in the hopes that Amber will be once again his personal ATM. If you are going through a similar situation whether it be money, sex, or something else. I suggest you reflect on it on your own and then cut off all contact with this guy!
He Needs To Feel In Control
The final negative reason your ex may want to be friends with you is control. I want to tell you about my friend “Becky”. Becky was dating this guy “Pete” for over a year. Pete made some major mistakes throughout the time he was with Becky and really broke her trust.
They were off and on for awhile, but Becky finally ended things in March. She did the right thing and cut off contact with him after I told her all about NO CONTACT.
Sure enough, Pete came crawling back apologizing for how he treated her. He basically admitted that he was the biggest idiot ever during the relationship and suggested that, hopefully, they could start with a clean slate and try to be friends.
So, Becky decided to give it a try.
Can you guess what Pete did?
He started to ghost her. He ignored her texts. He started to play the blocking and unblocking game. He even ignored her in public sometimes.
So, I told Becky to give No Contact a second try. And sure enough, he started texted her again.
From an outside perspective, it seemed to me that Pete was gunning for complete control over where the two of them stood.
Becky found herself in a Catch 22.
I know how much she cared for Pete and I am really silently cheering them on!
However, it is mo0re realistic to hope that Becky can take that level of love that she had for Pete and turn it inwards and learn to love herself with that same intensity. She really deserves the best. And at least she had the control on that front.
There is Still an Upside
I know the negatives can scare even the bravest person into not wanting to pursue getting their ex back… but the chances that your ex might have some decent reasons for wanting to be your friend is enough to keep me going! How about you?
So, let’s move on to discuss the positive motivation that might be driving your ex!
Luckily, the good outweighs the bad here! There are several more positive reasons why your ex would want to be friends with you!
I can hear your sighs of relief from here!
Again, several factors go along with these reasons. Such as how long you both were together, how badly things went when it ended, and I think communication also plays a huge role in this.
He’s Still Into You
The first reason…and probably the one you’re crossing your fingers for is that your ex still feels a connection to you and hopefully still has feelings for you.
Reading ExBoyfriend Recovery Pro and being in the private Facebook group, I’ve seen a ton of success with “The Being There Method.”
This method basically boils down to you being a friend to your ex so that ultimately you can work on getting back together. Really, you should purchase EBR, because I don’t intend to give away too many secrets! This article would be WAY too long if I did that.
Your ex very well could be using this exact tactic without even realizing it. He wants to be friends with you to see where he stands in your life and the probability of getting you back! Slow and steady wins the race.
I’m going to combine three of the reasons next. Support, trust, and a strong friendship go hand in hand. I don’t want to keep throwing “N” under the bus, but he agreed that I can divulge anything about our past relationship and current bestie status.
Me and “N” always had a strong and solid friendship during our relationship. I knew I could turn to him and vice versa even if we were fighting.
Two years ago, he went down a dark path. His career and personal life fell apart. I was getting ready for work and my phone rang. As soon as I heard his voice, I knew who was calling.
“You were right. I messed everything up.”
My first impulse was to hang up the phone and cry. Instead, I took a deep breath and remembered the exact thing I said to “N” when he broke up with me 5 years prior.
“I’ll always love you and I’ll always be here.”
And I meant what I said. I can’t and I won’t ever turn my back on him. The love I had for him has definitely transformed into more of platonic sort of “love you like I’d love puppy” kind of love.
I mean who doesn’t love puppies?!
Mutual Support, Respect, and Trust
This leads into my next point. And that is that at the end of the day we both know that we can turn to each other. It makes me wonder if we ever really were in love or maybe that love just took on a different form. One thing is for sure though, we ALWAYS turn to each other for relationship advice. Turns out it’s really nice to have a male perspective on things! They say, “time heals all wounds” and I can attest to that.
When he dumped me, he completely broke my trust. Married the girl he cheated on me with. And in time, five years give or take, (I didn’t say this happened over night!) I completely trust him again and consider him to be one of my best friends.
Shared Investments and Keeping the Peace
Another reason your exboyfriend may want to be friends with you is that you share something. Whether it be property, a pet, social circle, or most definitively children, your ex may want to keep the peace and stay friendly for those reasons. The less drama the better for everyone involved. Communication is fundamental when these are the reasons. The more positive and conducive the communication was between the two of you during the relationship and afterward may have created a solid foundation for him to consider being friends with you.
Use this Information
I hope after reading this article you will gain some clarity if you find yourself in any of these scenarios. Doing the research for this article really opened up my eyes and has given me a new perspective on friendships and relationships in general. And now, I hope I have the tools to shed some light on why my ex “Z” contacted me!
Good luck ladies! Feel free to leave any thoughts or questions in the comment below! We always love to hear from you!
(This article was written by Lyndsey Houser)