It happens to everyone. Heck, it’s probably the reason you’re here now.
No matter what the reason is for the breakup – cheating, long distance, a big fight that got out of control. It also doesn’t matter how long you and your partner were together, whether it was 3 months, 3 years, or married with three children.
There may come a point when your boyfriend/husband says:
“That’s it. I want out. There is no chance for us.”
Of course, this is a pretty common occurrence at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. It really doesn’t matter what the exact words are.
The first instinct for you, the girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband is to try to convince him that he’s made the wrong decision.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad plan. It’s the usual way the plan is implemented that’s the problem.
We men, (yes, me included) are simple creatures. Telling a guy he is doing something wrong will not get him to agree with you. It will not get him to see the light, and come running back to you. Telling him over and over, will especially not accomplish this.
In fact, it’s the quickest way to get him to stick to his decision.
You see, you have to show a guy that giving up on the relationship he had with you is a bad idea. How do you show him. It’s simple.
But first, let’s talk about the three most important things NOT to do.
Being a Text Gnat
The breakup has happened.
You are feeling lost without the one you thought completed you.
You want this person in your life.
You crave that feeling that you are still apart of their life.
What do you do?
Text them. Not once. Not twice. But Many times.
In fact, you text so much, because, you want his attention and if you have to drive him crazy, fine at least he won’t forget you.
But this ladies and gentlemen, is faulty logic. By being a “text gnat” or a “call gnat,” you are essentially trying to force a guy to love you. And let me tell you, it never works.
Sending Gifts/Grand Gestures
It’s the same with grand gestures as with text gnatting.
You don’t want to be “out of sight out of mind,” but you crave a pathway back to his heart and quickly. So, your over emotional brain says,
“Let’s buy him something he’s always wanted.”
Not only does it make you look desperate, most guys have no problem keeping the stuff you bought, and still dropping you.
This step also opens the door for the last thing you don’t want to do.
Sleeping with your Ex
The best way to show them that you care and love them is to give them your whole self, right?
Sleeping with your ex without a commitment or entering into a friends with benefits situation is not the way back into a relationship with your ex.
So should you just give up?
What do you do now?
First thing’s first – you start NO CONTACT
No contact is simple.
And yet for some, it’s the hardest.
What is it?
Well, the premise goes like this: you don’t contact your ex…. at all (especially not on his birthday.)
I can’t tell you how many times I get asked the birthday question. I should probably just charge to answer that question, but then I couldn’t teach you everything I’ve learned through research, experience and working with people to help get their exes back.
Of course there are a few exceptions to No Contact:
- You have children together
- You live together
- You work together
You can learn more about No Contact and Limited No Contact here: (https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/episode46/)
The good thing is that many do not even realize how beneficial the no contact rule is for the power it restores to the individual.
No matter how long your No Contact period (21, 30, or 45 days), and no matter if it’s limited or a full-scale no contact, this time of non-communication gives your ex a chance to see a side of you he hasn’t seen in a while.
The one that’s not there.
He gets to see what life is like when you aren’t in it.
And the more he realizes that, that life is miserable the better your chances of getting him back.
Now, one thing that I am sure you are going to find fascinating is that almost all exes react differently to No Contact. (More on that here: The Male Mind During No Contact)
So what do you do while you’re regaining your power during No Contact?
Regaining Your Power During No Contact
Put simply, you become the Ungettable Girl!
In my Private Support Group, we call them UG’s.
But what does it mean to be a UG?
This is what a UG IS NOT:
UG’s have goals, they have master plans.
And their first master plan is NO CONTACT.
During No Contact, the master plan is to focus on yourself;
- You go out and do things you’ve always wanted to do.
- You go out with friends and maybe date a new person.
- You sign up for classes that expand your mind or let you acquire new skills.
- You work on becoming financially stable, if this has been an issue for you.
- You strengthen your career.
- You get healthy by working out.
- You pamper yourself.
There are three main areas that I like to emphasize about becoming and being an Ungettable Girl.
See, UG’s aren’t just pretty or handsome faces.
They aren’t a certain size or shape.
They aren’t just smart and career oriented people that are rolling in riches. And they aren’t just on really good terms with everyone in their lives, like their family and friends.
UG’s are all of this.
They are the total package.
UG’s focus on themselves.
They know what they want out of life.
They have goals.
They don’t expect to have those end goals to magically appear.
They work towards those goals.
UG’s are positive people.
Other people enjoy being around them, because they have a positive outlook. UG’s have fun.
UG’s take care of their health.
Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually.
UG’s realize that having a fulfilled life doesn’t mean relying on another person for their happiness. UG’s create their own happiness in their lives.
During this time of becoming a UG, many people in Ex Boyfriend Recovery come to a crossroads.
“Do I want him back?” or “Do I give up now that I’m happy, or do I work to get him back and be happy?”
It’s worth noting that many people have completed the UG/No Contact stage and found that they are happier without their ex.
Their ex may have been abusive, a narcissist, or just not mature enough to handle the outstanding person you have grown to be during this journey to find happiness within yourself. You may have went on practice dates during this time, and found someone you like better.
It’s also worth noting that many people have found different exes getting in contact with them during this time, trying to rekindle old flames. They have found that once they give up on their exes, and move on, the ex comes running back.
The power of an Ungettable Girl/Guy is astounding.
No matter what the reason, it’s not a failure, as long as you are satisfied with the person you have become.
So now what?
Well, it’s up to you at this point. Do you want him back, or do you want to move on to something different, and hopefully better?
For the purposes of this article, let’s say that you want to continue to try and get him back.
Why you ask?
Well, why not?
He’s said he no longer wants to be with you.
But you have to remember, you’ve grown since he said that. You’ve taken a step back and gotten perspective. And hopefully, during this time of No Contact, he’s gotten some perspective as well.
You see, what a lot of people find when they come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery is that the days of the No Contact phase seem long and unending.
At the very beginning of their No Contact phase, most people are like,
“What am I going to do? He’s out there, without me. He may be seeing someone else. What if I lose him totally?”
This is why it’s really important to define your goals during this time, to establish new routines and make progress towards those goals.
Because what usually happens by the end of the No Contact phase is this:
“Omg, No Contact Ends in 3 Days, What am I going to do? I’m not ready!”
“What is going to be my first text to him? I need ideas!”
“I’m thinking about extending my NC period, I’m really enjoying it too much!”
These conversations happen often in our Private Support Group.
Countless people have used their No Contact phase to get comfortable with being their own person. They take control of their emotions. They date other people to gain perspective into their previous relationship with their ex.
Sure, there’s the new “skill learning”, the pounds dropped at the gym, career advancements, and time with friends and family that strengthen bonds.
But there’s a comfort that comes in liking yourself and accepting yourself for who you are, and working towards the person you want to be.
So what does this have to do with getting your ex back after he’s said there is no chance?
You have to be comfortable with yourself, with leaving the past in the past, and confident in building a new relationship.
You have to “let go without letting go.”
Letting Go Without Actually Letting Go
Essentially, you are letting go of all the pasts hurt and anger that led to your breakup. You have to let go of these things. Otherwise, your next decision of “Do I try and get him back or move on?” will be greatly impacted by your actions.
What most people find when they enter the Texting Phase is that your ex, is not going to act the way you thought he would.
When you think he’s going to act one way, he has a totally different reaction.
Something you know he thinks is going to be hilarious, gets you a text of “Lol,” 6 hours after it was sent.
This is the phase that can make or break your progress. And it all has to do with how you prepped yourself for this phase.
If you enter into this phase with the idea that things are going to be like they were before, you’ll be able to pick right up where you left off, and in a month or so you’ll be back with your ex, prepare to have those ideas squashed.
Not saying this doesn’t happen, but it’s rare. And the chances of the relationship heading back down the road for a breakup increase. Why?
Because nothing changed. It’s the same problems.
But, if you enter into the texting phase with the acceptance that there are going to be times that your ex will be frustrating, there will be days he doesn’t react the way you thought, and you will have to be patient, then chances are good that you will have something you can build that new relationship on.
After all, you don’t want the old relationship back. It didn’t work out, did it?
This is why having goals, and having an understanding what is going to make you happy is so important before enter the Text Phase.
It’s also important that you are in control of your emotions.
The frustration and the anxiety do not just go away simply because you completed your No Contact. You have to work at it.
So that is the reality.
This is not a program that will fix a relationship simply by following a checklist of steps.
It is however a support system designed to give you tools that will help you as you work towards rebuilding a better relationship with your ex.