My Ex Boyfriend Told Me He Still Cares (What Can I Do To Get Him Back)

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

When I was in college I drove what one of my exes called a typical “chick car,” a white 2004 Mustang.

Man, I seriously loved that car. But it was like it was made out of a magnet that attracted drunk drivers. I was hit twice in a four month period. A week after I got it back from the body shop from the first incident, I found myself faced with an almost head-on collision with some bozo driving the wrong way down the interstate. Luckily I reacted pretty quickly and instead of hitting me head-on he slid down the driver’s side of the car and kept driving.

It was quite possibly the scariest 45 seconds of my life. I was lucky to walk away from it at the speeds we were both going. And my poor car was mangled for the second time in a month by some moron.

It didn’t make me love my car any less, but the idea of sending it back to the shop again was too much. I just opted to drive it as it was without the bumper. It looked like a go-cart with a crumpled up piece of paper exterior that slightly resembled a mustang.

I wish I had a picture to show you.

It looked something like this…

It wasn’t exactly safe. But my dad has some serious mechanic skills. He made it driveable (and street legal-ish.)

I drove it like that for over a year until I could afford something else. Still, It was hard getting rid of that Mustang. Yes, it was probably going to fall apart in the middle of some highway in the near future. Yes, it got terrible gas mileage because the crumpled up paper form doesn’t exactly scream aerodynamic. And, yes, it was technically unsafe to drive a three-time proven drunk driver magnet in a town that holds a record for DWIand DUI arrests.

But it was my first car of my own and it felt like I was re-homing a family pet.

You have to do what you think is right for you, and, in the case of the pet, for it too. Now, I’m not saying I played fetch with a car, but it may have had a name and I might have spent more time detailing it than I did doing homework. So, invested time and money played into the pain of letting it go, along with some AWESOME road tripping memories.

I think some breakups tend to play out in a similar fashion.

The person who breaks it off makes that call because, for whatever reason, they think it’s what’s best for them. It’s human nature to protect one’s own self-interests. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they just stop caring altogether. If you truly care about someone, it doesn’t just go away, even if they were the most spectacular variation of jerk on the planet.

But, just like Lola the Mustang, just because you still care about someone doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s the car you should drive.

Um… that didn’t really come out as clear as I wanted it to.

Let me try again.

Hmmm, perhaps explaining it with a person rather than a car.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Genius idea, Ashley!

Alright, so I was seeing this guy, Logan* in college. (not his real name. I did have a horse named Logan when I was a kid though!)

I was almost done with my Junior year and he had just started his Freshman year.

He was a typical dude Freshman. By that, I mean a total slacker.

He skipped most of his classes and somehow still managed to ace all of them. (I’ve always envied people that can do that.)

I am the exact opposite. I have to put in some serious study time even to, kind of, maybe retain the information I need for a test. So, we didn’t exactly mesh on that front. But we had a total blast during the Summer though.

My grades dropped as our relationship progressed. I realized that my goals of actually finishing my associates in two years would be impossible if I stayed with Logan*.

In my mother’s words, he was a “bad influence.” She also referred to him as “that boy” instead of using his actual name, even in front of him.

Finally, I had to decide what was more important to me. My education won, despite his dimples.

It actually really sucked walking away from that at that moment, but if I was going to do what was best for me I had to realize that that didn’t include him. I couldn’t expect him to change who he was to make it work, that would be unfair to him.

I went down a rabbit trail there for a minute.

Okay, so where was I going with this?

REFOCUS!

Oh, yeah!

Okay, so the question that was asked of me this week was, “My ex says he still cares about me. How do I make that work for me in trying to get him back?”

It’s a completely legitimate question.

A lot of times what people say and what they actually mean don’t add up.

Well, I definitely still cared about Logan after I dumped him. I didn’t just stop wanting good things to happen in his life just because I wasn’t in it anymore.

But as I’ve been told, I’m a big softy and I don’t even wish bad things on people who are awful to me. So, I have to point out that not everyone dates with the intention of building a future.

Heck, I dated a guy last year who I later found out treats women like placeholders, never building an emotional connection with them on his end. He would just keep them around until someone else caught his eye.

Walking away from that one was a lot easier even though he was the one doing the dumping.But in his case, he didn’t really seem to care too much about what happened to me after that.

So, it’s really important that you take into account whether his actions line up with what he’s saying.

If he says he cares and then steadily does things that are clearly meant to hurt you, then he probably just said it because he was saying what he thought he was supposed to say.

Everyone dates for different reasons. Some people date to build a relationship. Some people date just because they don’t like to be alone. Oftentimes, people avoid trying to figure out what our parter’s reasons are until the relationship is pretty much over and done with simply because they are afraid it might not be what they want to hear. And it is almost impossible to really know what someone wants even if they tell you.

There are several circumstances I can think of in which a guy would tell you that he cares.

But what is much more important in this situation is HOW he told you he still cares.

Think about it.

I once had a knock-down drag-out with my bestie because I was using the wrong “tone” with him.

No, I’m not going to get into what tone he took with you. I’m just saying that sometimes what we say and what we mean don’t always line up.

So, let’s consider our different scenarios.

Scenario 1: What he said matches up with what his actions.

Scenario 2: What he said doesn’t match up with his actions.

Scenario 3: What he said is one thing. His actions line up with what he said occasionally but there are times when they don’t.

Scenario 4: He said something, but he’s done nothing to support or devalue what he said.

Now, I could write out a bunch of random actions that guys usually take and end up telling you that no matter what he does you can make him care and want you back no matter what the situation… but I wouldn’t do that unless it was a hundred percent true and not a waste of your time.

And in some cases, that’s just not true.

I would rather give you something you can actually work with.

So, Let’s talk about how to deal with this situation you find yourself in.

Your ex has said that he cares. At least he put the effort to say a minimum of two words, “I care.”

A little tough love here, so prepare yourselves.

In my opinion, you have to do something that will seem impossible. Stop reading into every little thing that he says or does because you are going to want to hold out hope even when there is none. The ONLY time that “I care,” actually holds any significance is when he actually backs it up with some actions, like being considerate of your feelings. Sure he could mean, “I care about you, but in a platonic-friend-I-used-to-date sort of way. But the only way you will find that out is if you get with the program and stop chasing him.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Well, I know that you are probably feeling like there is nothing you can do to change the direction this relationship is heading. And it’s true, you can’t MAKE someone care about you.

So, what can you do?

So, I’m going to tell you a secret.

You have all of the knowledge you need inside your pretty little head already.

Now, normally I would never tell anyone to change who they are in order to get their ex back. However, I will tell you that, if it’s important to you, you can make some changes that are pretty much tailor-made for your ex while also making sure that they are also beneficial to you.

This tactic borders on manipulation, but as long as it makes your life better for you too, in the long run, I don’t see what it would hurt. The way I always look at is is… If my ex and I don’t get back together, is this life I’m creating a life that I would be happy living on my own?

One of my exes taught me a heck of a lot about nerd culture. (Don’t judge. My friends gave me a lot of crap. He had a lot of other great attributes.) When we split up I had to decide which of the things he brought into my life I actually wanted there. It turned out that I had added a lot of things while we were together that I wouldn’t have if I was on my own.

Taking what you want into account will boost your self-confidence through the roof along with making your life something you will truly enjoy regardless of what happens.

It’s part of why I love working with Ex Boyfriend Recovery. There is a lot of good information we put out there. But when I read the Ungettable Girl section of the program I realized that it wasn’t just about getting an ex back, we were empowering people to become their best self.

You can’t be your best self when you are living your life for someone else.

The first step to becoming your best self is beating self-doubt. I don’t care how else you plan to get your ex back. If you don’t get rid of the self-doubt crowding out everything else in your mind, how can you expect your ex to see a reason to beg for you back, let alone come back at all?

So, the first thing you are going to do to achieve this goal is to set up an If-Then set of rules to live by.

The best way to go about this is to make sure that you spend time with people that are supportive and cut out negativity.

Psychological studies say that the mind reacts better to rules of self when they are formulated in an If-Then formula, such as, “if I skip going to the gym one day, then I will go to the gym the next day.”

This is a rule that works wonders if you have a habit of skipping the gym one day and then realizing that, like dominoes, you couldn’t get motivated to go go back and suddenly you have skipped weeks. With this If-Then set of rules, you have made a promise to yourself that you will never go two days in a row without going to the gym. If you can’t respect yourself enough to keep a promise to yourself, how can you expect anyone else to respect you?

In this same fashion, what I want you to do is set up an If-Then rule up to block self-doubt.

Anytime you find yourself thinking about what you could have done differently, mistakes you may have made, or about things that made you culpable for your break up, I want you to replace the thought with one thing that makes you awesome and worthy of your exes respect. I don’t care if you cheated, or made some serious mistakes.

I go through periods of time just like anyone when I can be pretty tough on myself. I’ve found taking a step back and rewiring the way that I “talk” to myself makes me demand respect.

When I was younger and would get in trouble with my parents, that’s when my self-doubt got the best of me. When my parents would raise their voice I would just take it and wait it out. Usually, I’d end up tearing up. If I even tried to speak back my voice would crack and I’d tear up. If I actually got words out, they rarely made sense.

But once, my dad got aggravated and called me stupid. Now, I might not be Einstien but I’m not stupid. I was hurt, but it was as if a curtain was pulled back. Why? Because I KNEW I wasn’t stupid and I didn’t deserve to be spoken to in such aware. I was empowered and I think I said something to the effect of, “How do you expect me to let the men in my life talk to me if I let you speak to me like that?”

It was the first time I ever made a complete and poignant sentence directed at my dad when he was fuming. Well, his fuming ran out of gas like he had hit a brick wall and his eyes got really big.

Needless to say, we have a much better relationship now, because I found a respect for myself and apparently so did he.

So, in your situation at this moment, it is important that you come up with something that works for you. Your rule would be phrased something like this, “If I find myself blaming myself for the breakup, then I will remind myself why I am awesome and deserve respect.” A second one would be “If I find myself overanalyzing my exes words or actions, I will remember that I say and do things all the time without putting a lot of thought into them and it is likely that my ex didn’t mean anything by it. I won’t waste my time.”

You see? Our minds instinctively look for patterns. So, by setting up “Rules” we tell our mind to look for a trigger. In this case, it would be self-deprecating thoughts.

I guarantee you will start to see yourself differently.

So will your ex.

I’m assuming some, or most, of you are in some stage of No Contact at this point, so you’ve got some downtime.

I DARE you to try it.

I’d love to know how you personalize it and how it works for you!

Let me know!

April 28, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (18)

  1. Saz - 0

    Saz

    Think my previous comment was deleted or I did it wrong. So here it is again.
    My ex ended things at New Year but we have been in regular contact since as we work together. I did no contact outside of work, we eventually met up but avoided discussing too much about us. I didn’t feel like it was moving on too much but I tried to stay patient. Then in April we went out for my birthday and we discussed our relationship a little and what we would have done differently. At the end of the night he held me like I have never been held before and he got very emotional. He text and called a bit over the next couple of days, we met a couple of times after this and we were getting on brilliantly. I then found out he had been seeing a girl (but only meeting up, nothing ‘happening’), and I found this out from her friend (I think she was fishing for info). It turned out that after our night out he called the girl and told her nothing would happen between them as he had feelings for me. The friend was saying that they were expecting him to say we were back together. I told her we were not but I wouldn’t discuss him with her/them.
    I then left it a few days then let him know I knew about her. He explained he felt he had to move on but holding me meant so much he couldn’t do it and he still had feelings for me (first time he had said that since we split up). I asked if he had considered our relationship worth saving, he said ‘of course’ but didn’t say if he had been thinking it recently and I didn’t ask. The other girl went round to his that day and, again, he said he would prefer to just be friends with her and she agreed.
    He called me the next morning to tell me this and then we spoke for 3 hours about everything else except us. Since then, we have been back at work, still getting on very well, and when I would keep my distance he would make excuses to come near me and show me something. But we haven’t spoken outside of work since.

    I am so confused.

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Talk to him and get clear about everything.. if he doesn’t want to proceed to the no contact rule. check this one:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

    • Saz - 0

      Saz

      Get clear in everything how? Ask him if he wants to be with me? He told me about a month ago that we wouldn’t be getting back together then told others he had feelings for me.
      I decided not to contact him for a week and he never contacted me but at 8am this morning he sent a photo of his neighbours kitten with no text. I didn’t reply, then when he started work later he found me to ask if I had received it and hung around my desk.
      I feel he knows exactly where I stand but he won’t tell me his own feelings and I’m scared to ask in case it pushes him away. He has a fear of commitment and I understand why. I said I felt foolish for telling him my feelings and he said that I had no need to feel like that but he never tells me his. I don’t even know why we split up.

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      ask if he still has feelings for you, and considered getting back together, what does his actions now mean? but I understand if you dont want to.. that’s actually risky because if you’re not that confident or if it’s not said the right way, it will look like you’re hoping.. so, I agree that you should focus more in yourself now.. That way you would appear like you’re not waiting, and if he doesn’t act fast, he’s going to lose a great person.

  2. Saz - 0

    Saz

    My ex and I broke up at New Year after a year together. It’s been pretty bad since, but we get on and work together. I have done no contact. We then met up a few times, usually on his request. He calls occasionally. We get on at work. Blah blah blah. Then we seemed to be getting on very well and we discussed parts of our relationship that went wrong and we would change. That evening he held me like he has never held me before and he got very emotional. I found out he was starting to see someone but after that night out he contacted her and told her that they would only be friends and that he still had feelings for me (her friend told me this, apparently they were waiting to hear we had got back together and she was trying to get details). He called me and we spoke, I told him that I knew about the other girl, he said he was trying to move on and enjoyed her company, but realised he still had feelings for me (first time he admitted it the 4 months apart). I then asked if he had considered that we were worth saving and he replied ‘of course I have’. We then chatted about everything else in the world for 3 hours. It’s been a week now and while we’ve seen each other at work nothing else has moved on. He complimented me a lot and he tried to play the silly games we played before but I’m really confused.

    Reply
  3. Vaness - 0

    Vaness

    My boyfriend of almost three years just broke up with me… five hours ago.

    He was visiting (we’ve been long distance for a year), in town for work from an assignment abroad. He will be back in a few months, by the way.

    We’ve been making it work well. Lots of communication, trust, and he also gets to travel back home more than five times a year. We would spend hours on the phone with each other. And a day wouldn’t go by where we didn’t text one another.

    The assignment has been difficult, and at times, he credited me for being there to support him, to keep him going. He had a health scare prior to his move, which I was also there to help him with. We had been together through thick and thin.

    We had been planning our summer trip together too.

    Anyway, everything between us seemed well. He came for work as usual. This was not his first visit back. He had been super busy for the past two weeks, and couldn’t spend a whole lot of time with me, but he would at least call or text to let me know what he was doing. We had lunches and dinners whenever possible. It was a bit frustrating for me, not being able to see him while he was here, but I understood what he had on his plate.

    Today was his last day in town. We had brunch together and did a bit of shopping before his flight. Everything was rosy. He caressed my knees while driving and clutched my arms while we were walking around the mall. As he was driving me home, he dropped the bomb. He apologized for not being able to spend a lot of time with me during this visit… and he said he didn’t want to make me sad in not being there, but at the same time, he didn’t want me to be sad if he got out of the relationship. We were three minutes from the house when he told me this. I felt like my whole world collapsed. I didn’t know what to say. I vowed to be better in whatever way(s) I could. I promised to go at a pace good for him. He just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to keep him from catching his plane, so out of anger and frustration, I got up and left, slammed the door of the car and rushed inside the house. He went to the airport.

    I feel empty without the one person what meant everything to me. I’m so anxious. I don’t understand why this is happening. It totally sucks that I am head over heels for him, and it seems like he just doesn’t feel the same.

    I turned my phone off and deactivated my social media. I don’t want any reminders of him. I just need to breathe right now. Going into no contact…

    Any advice? What is he thinking? What should I do moving forward?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4
    • Hannah - 0

      Hannah

      Vaness, I wish you all strength during this horrible time and after this huge shock. I’m wowed by the fact that you’re able to tell your story so clear and seemingly sane, only 5 hours after this happened to you! I think it’s a good thing you came to visit this site so quickly, Chris offers a lot of good advise and so does Amor! It took me 4 months before I found it and in that time I did everything wrong I could do wrong like begging, pleeing, crying etc. At least you won’t make those mistakes as you’re getting in nc directly. All best of luck, I hope he’ll soon realize the mistake he made by letting you go. Hug for you from a fellow ex-boyfriend-recoverer (still in training) 😉

    • Vanessa - 0

      Vanessa

      Thanks for your message, Hannah. It’s a roller coaster… sometimes I feel ok, with a bit of anger against him beaming through and me wondering why I put up with him… but other times, I really miss him and us… I look back on the good, our commonalities, the way he loved me, etc., and I feel sad. It feels like there’s a huge void in me.

      How are you doing? I hope you’re able to pull through soon. We’d been doing long distance too, and fights like these make it all the more difficult to navigate and directly address issues in your relationship. But then I realize why we lasted this long anyway–despite the miles separating us, I think back at our connection, that special thing between us–the one that has endured. I’m sure you all have that same spark, the glue that holds you together. I hope both of you remember that as you try to get back together. I think it’s easy to let the recent negative memories cloud your head, but it always helps to remember the good of your past. I know it keeps me fighting, and I hope that with this space and time apart, he’s able to really remember that.

      A lot can be said for focusing on you and working to re-attract him by sending positive vibes and images, but sometimes, like in your case, it is just as important to focus on the spoken word, words of sincerity. I have said my peace before going no contact, but I still am fearful of one day hearing from him and despite my attempts, hearing a cold rejection from him. But I guess that’s where the self-improvement also kicks in because IF he did reject you ultimately, it wouldn’t hurt as much since you’ve been working on fortifying your self-esteem.

      All the best luck to you! Do let me know if you need a sympathetic ear… I know I thank you for yours!

  4. Hannah - 0

    Hannah

    I was just wondering how I can best show to my ex that I have improved myself when we’re on long distance. Showing my self-confidence I do by posting photos on Facebook of me having good times with friends, I am confident about my looks so gym or haircut are no game changers, the only thing I can change compared to when we were together is to apologise for where I went wrong in our relationship as he thinks i took too long to commit but im ready for that now. But saying the latter appears needy and we are not in a stage we seriously talk about those things anyway. How do I improve myself with him seeing it and feeling he wants me back? And, how do I smartly show I respect myself too much too be a playball I his push/pull games, but without sounding bitchy and with keeping a nice vibe?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      how long have you been building rapport

    • Hannah - 0

      Hannah

      1.5 months but with 2 mini nc in between…

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      the only way you can show it is through your posts and through the quality of your messages, on how you talk to him.. if you want to apologize, just make it casual.

    • Hannah - 0

      Hannah

      OK thanks Amor I will do this as you advise… but one thing I’m wondering… each time when I build rapport he’s flirting, then steering us into cybersex (we’re long distance). I flirt back, but I know I shouldn’t give him the cybersex!!! I read your advice of luring him, then pulling the bait away like fishing (so flirting and not going along into the cybersex last moment using an excuse). But I can’t put up excuses for 10 times… he’ll get suspicious and will know I play a game. This will make him angry. So how to keep myself interesting for him, flirt, but keep out if the cybersex trap? Tell him seriously I don’t want to do that without his commitment (he won’t like that because we had sex for years without me being fully committed) or just keep coming up with excuses like a broken webcam or so? Thanks a zillion… you pull me through!

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      be cheeky.. tell him.. oh, that needs a boyfriend pass

    • Hannah - 0

      Hannah

      Hahaha you’re funny! OK that’s a good one 😉

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      😉

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