When I was in college I drove what one of my exes called a typical “chick car,” a white 2004 Mustang.
Man, I seriously loved that car. But it was like it was made out of a magnet that attracted drunk drivers. I was hit twice in a four month period. A week after I got it back from the body shop from the first incident, I found myself faced with an almost head-on collision with some bozo driving the wrong way down the interstate. Luckily I reacted pretty quickly and instead of hitting me head-on he slid down the driver’s side of the car and kept driving.
It was quite possibly the scariest 45 seconds of my life. I was lucky to walk away from it at the speeds we were both going. And my poor car was mangled for the second time in a month by some moron.
It didn’t make me love my car any less, but the idea of sending it back to the shop again was too much. I just opted to drive it as it was without the bumper. It looked like a go-cart with a crumpled up piece of paper exterior that slightly resembled a mustang.
I wish I had a picture to show you.
It looked something like this…
It wasn’t exactly safe. But my dad has some serious mechanic skills. He made it driveable (and street legal-ish.)
I drove it like that for over a year until I could afford something else. Still, It was hard getting rid of that Mustang. Yes, it was probably going to fall apart in the middle of some highway in the near future. Yes, it got terrible gas mileage because the crumpled up paper form doesn’t exactly scream aerodynamic. And, yes, it was technically unsafe to drive a three-time proven drunk driver magnet in a town that holds a record for DWIand DUI arrests.
But it was my first car of my own and it felt like I was re-homing a family pet.
You have to do what you think is right for you, and, in the case of the pet, for it too. Now, I’m not saying I played fetch with a car, but it may have had a name and I might have spent more time detailing it than I did doing homework. So, invested time and money played into the pain of letting it go, along with some AWESOME road tripping memories.
I think some breakups tend to play out in a similar fashion.
The person who breaks it off makes that call because, for whatever reason, they think it’s what’s best for them. It’s human nature to protect one’s own self-interests. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they just stop caring altogether. If you truly care about someone, it doesn’t just go away, even if they were the most spectacular variation of jerk on the planet.
But, just like Lola the Mustang, just because you still care about someone doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s the car you should drive.
Um… that didn’t really come out as clear as I wanted it to.
Let me try again.
Hmmm, perhaps explaining it with a person rather than a car.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDing! Ding! Ding!
Genius idea, Ashley!
Alright, so I was seeing this guy, Logan* in college. (not his real name. I did have a horse named Logan when I was a kid though!)
I was almost done with my Junior year and he had just started his Freshman year.
He was a typical dude Freshman. By that, I mean a total slacker.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHe skipped most of his classes and somehow still managed to ace all of them. (I’ve always envied people that can do that.)
I am the exact opposite. I have to put in some serious study time even to, kind of, maybe retain the information I need for a test. So, we didn’t exactly mesh on that front. But we had a total blast during the Summer though.
My grades dropped as our relationship progressed. I realized that my goals of actually finishing my associates in two years would be impossible if I stayed with Logan*.
In my mother’s words, he was a “bad influence.” She also referred to him as “that boy” instead of using his actual name, even in front of him.
Finally, I had to decide what was more important to me. My education won, despite his dimples.
It actually really sucked walking away from that at that moment, but if I was going to do what was best for me I had to realize that that didn’t include him. I couldn’t expect him to change who he was to make it work, that would be unfair to him.
I went down a rabbit trail there for a minute.
Okay, so where was I going with this?
REFOCUS!
Oh, yeah!
Okay, so the question that was asked of me this week was, “My ex says he still cares about me. How do I make that work for me in trying to get him back?”
It’s a completely legitimate question.
A lot of times what people say and what they actually mean don’t add up.
Well, I definitely still cared about Logan after I dumped him. I didn’t just stop wanting good things to happen in his life just because I wasn’t in it anymore.
But as I’ve been told, I’m a big softy and I don’t even wish bad things on people who are awful to me. So, I have to point out that not everyone dates with the intention of building a future.
Heck, I dated a guy last year who I later found out treats women like placeholders, never building an emotional connection with them on his end. He would just keep them around until someone else caught his eye.
Walking away from that one was a lot easier even though he was the one doing the dumping.But in his case, he didn’t really seem to care too much about what happened to me after that.
So, it’s really important that you take into account whether his actions line up with what he’s saying.
If he says he cares and then steadily does things that are clearly meant to hurt you, then he probably just said it because he was saying what he thought he was supposed to say.
Everyone dates for different reasons. Some people date to build a relationship. Some people date just because they don’t like to be alone. Oftentimes, people avoid trying to figure out what our parter’s reasons are until the relationship is pretty much over and done with simply because they are afraid it might not be what they want to hear. And it is almost impossible to really know what someone wants even if they tell you.
There are several circumstances I can think of in which a guy would tell you that he cares.
But what is much more important in this situation is HOW he told you he still cares.
Think about it.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizI once had a knock-down drag-out with my bestie because I was using the wrong “tone” with him.
No, I’m not going to get into what tone he took with you. I’m just saying that sometimes what we say and what we mean don’t always line up.
So, let’s consider our different scenarios.
Scenario 1: What he said matches up with what his actions.
Scenario 2: What he said doesn’t match up with his actions.
Scenario 3: What he said is one thing. His actions line up with what he said occasionally but there are times when they don’t.
Scenario 4: He said something, but he’s done nothing to support or devalue what he said.
Now, I could write out a bunch of random actions that guys usually take and end up telling you that no matter what he does you can make him care and want you back no matter what the situation… but I wouldn’t do that unless it was a hundred percent true and not a waste of your time.
And in some cases, that’s just not true.
I would rather give you something you can actually work with.
So, Let’s talk about how to deal with this situation you find yourself in.
Your ex has said that he cares. At least he put the effort to say a minimum of two words, “I care.”
A little tough love here, so prepare yourselves.
In my opinion, you have to do something that will seem impossible. Stop reading into every little thing that he says or does because you are going to want to hold out hope even when there is none. The ONLY time that “I care,” actually holds any significance is when he actually backs it up with some actions, like being considerate of your feelings. Sure he could mean, “I care about you, but in a platonic-friend-I-used-to-date sort of way. But the only way you will find that out is if you get with the program and stop chasing him.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWHAT CAN YOU DO?
Well, I know that you are probably feeling like there is nothing you can do to change the direction this relationship is heading. And it’s true, you can’t MAKE someone care about you.
So, what can you do?
So, I’m going to tell you a secret.
You have all of the knowledge you need inside your pretty little head already.
Now, normally I would never tell anyone to change who they are in order to get their ex back. However, I will tell you that, if it’s important to you, you can make some changes that are pretty much tailor-made for your ex while also making sure that they are also beneficial to you.
This tactic borders on manipulation, but as long as it makes your life better for you too, in the long run, I don’t see what it would hurt. The way I always look at is is… If my ex and I don’t get back together, is this life I’m creating a life that I would be happy living on my own?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizOne of my exes taught me a heck of a lot about nerd culture. (Don’t judge. My friends gave me a lot of crap. He had a lot of other great attributes.) When we split up I had to decide which of the things he brought into my life I actually wanted there. It turned out that I had added a lot of things while we were together that I wouldn’t have if I was on my own.
Taking what you want into account will boost your self-confidence through the roof along with making your life something you will truly enjoy regardless of what happens.
It’s part of why I love working with Ex Boyfriend Recovery. There is a lot of good information we put out there. But when I read the Ungettable Girl section of the program I realized that it wasn’t just about getting an ex back, we were empowering people to become their best self.
You can’t be your best self when you are living your life for someone else.
The first step to becoming your best self is beating self-doubt. I don’t care how else you plan to get your ex back. If you don’t get rid of the self-doubt crowding out everything else in your mind, how can you expect your ex to see a reason to beg for you back, let alone come back at all?
So, the first thing you are going to do to achieve this goal is to set up an If-Then set of rules to live by.
The best way to go about this is to make sure that you spend time with people that are supportive and cut out negativity.
Psychological studies say that the mind reacts better to rules of self when they are formulated in an If-Then formula, such as, “if I skip going to the gym one day, then I will go to the gym the next day.”
This is a rule that works wonders if you have a habit of skipping the gym one day and then realizing that, like dominoes, you couldn’t get motivated to go go back and suddenly you have skipped weeks. With this If-Then set of rules, you have made a promise to yourself that you will never go two days in a row without going to the gym. If you can’t respect yourself enough to keep a promise to yourself, how can you expect anyone else to respect you?
In this same fashion, what I want you to do is set up an If-Then rule up to block self-doubt.
Anytime you find yourself thinking about what you could have done differently, mistakes you may have made, or about things that made you culpable for your break up, I want you to replace the thought with one thing that makes you awesome and worthy of your exes respect. I don’t care if you cheated, or made some serious mistakes.
I go through periods of time just like anyone when I can be pretty tough on myself. I’ve found taking a step back and rewiring the way that I “talk” to myself makes me demand respect.
When I was younger and would get in trouble with my parents, that’s when my self-doubt got the best of me. When my parents would raise their voice I would just take it and wait it out. Usually, I’d end up tearing up. If I even tried to speak back my voice would crack and I’d tear up. If I actually got words out, they rarely made sense.
But once, my dad got aggravated and called me stupid. Now, I might not be Einstien but I’m not stupid. I was hurt, but it was as if a curtain was pulled back. Why? Because I KNEW I wasn’t stupid and I didn’t deserve to be spoken to in such aware. I was empowered and I think I said something to the effect of, “How do you expect me to let the men in my life talk to me if I let you speak to me like that?”
It was the first time I ever made a complete and poignant sentence directed at my dad when he was fuming. Well, his fuming ran out of gas like he had hit a brick wall and his eyes got really big.
Needless to say, we have a much better relationship now, because I found a respect for myself and apparently so did he.
So, in your situation at this moment, it is important that you come up with something that works for you. Your rule would be phrased something like this, “If I find myself blaming myself for the breakup, then I will remind myself why I am awesome and deserve respect.” A second one would be “If I find myself overanalyzing my exes words or actions, I will remember that I say and do things all the time without putting a lot of thought into them and it is likely that my ex didn’t mean anything by it. I won’t waste my time.”
You see? Our minds instinctively look for patterns. So, by setting up “Rules” we tell our mind to look for a trigger. In this case, it would be self-deprecating thoughts.
I guarantee you will start to see yourself differently.
So will your ex.
I’m assuming some, or most, of you are in some stage of No Contact at this point, so you’ve got some downtime.
I DARE you to try it.
I’d love to know how you personalize it and how it works for you!
Let me know!
Bombshell
February 19, 2020 at 10:18 am
What an amazing article. Pls keep sharing your voice and wisdom… i enjoyed reading this.
Rebecca Ruppli
April 27, 2019 at 6:03 pm
I know this is an old post however I am finding myself in a very similar situation and feel I need as much advice as possible. I split (mutually) with my ex about 4 months ago, we had an amazing relationship to start however something happened in our relationship and I distanced myself from him without realising what I was doing and how obvious it was. He of course felt that and me like crazy as he was feeling I was falling out of love with him which was not the case at all. With his pursuing I struggled with that thinking he was trying to control me and me being extremely stubborn fought against that when in fact he just needed reassurance. I real my mistake now and that it wasn’t him that was just being a over baring boyfriend. After we split we kept the contact knowing we needed time apart, that lasted 2 weeks until we started talking again and have been talking since. We met up twice and both times he told me how much he ‘liked me’ and how attracted to me he was and how he cared about me, was his best friend and wanted to take things slow until the other night (2 nights after we had met) he tells me he is seeing someone new. I was shocked so didn’t say much other than how silly I felt. Due to my lack of conversation I didn’t get any closure and although he is seeing someone new I am holding on to what he said to me, even He is not one to mince words, what he says he means and wouldn’t saying something unless he meant it. If he is legitimately moving on I can close that in my mind but the fact he has said all these things and the way he was with me when we met I feel very confused and am struggling with the thought of moving on. Our relationship was serious and we thought we were meant to be, we were also together for 2.5 years. Maybe I am holding on to nothing but part of me doesn’t want to believe that but I also know that he is a good man and would not tell me things that are untrue x
Hannah
January 9, 2018 at 3:19 pm
Dear Amor,
Its me, Hannah.
Remember my story.. : after 5 years LDR he broke up with me and married a 20 yrs younger girls after knowing her for 6 months. He’s 45, I’m 35, she’s 25. I went into strict NC for three months just before that wedding but he kept contacting me per text. Eventually I gave in and was friendly but distant. That pissed him off, and he didn’t like it I lived on and did nice things like travelling, meeting new people etc.
He told me he was often checking my facebook wall (so EBR does work!!!!), and in the beginning he thought he was fine. But then everytime he heard about me or saw my posts it messed him up. During my NC he missed me and our unique chats. He loves her too but not in the same way he says. She want to have an army career which means they can’t live together. When I heard that I was so surprised: I thought he left me because we couldnt find a way to live together and now he married a girl who cannot live with him as well!!!!
Just before xmas we met, and the outcome was he still loves me. I still love him. He is now with her abroad for xmas and new year, and we agreed him on taking his time to find out whether he wants to stay with her or wants to come back to me. I don’t want to push him because a relationship based on enforced decisions won’t work out. I told him I still want to be with him… but maybe now I should pull back a bit to make myself not too available?
So with that last issue in mind, how should I behave? Playing hard to get doesn’t work with him, but I don’t want to seem too available! I really want him back… I feel I’m nearly there… he’s over thinking everything now, so what’s now best to do? I don’t want to mess up!!!!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2018 at 4:42 pm
Hi Hannah,
Bottomline is they’re married. And you talking to him still shows you are too avaialable. If he is really serious, he should divorce her first before you start talking to him.
Trish
August 29, 2017 at 7:25 am
My ex broke up with me and within 3 weeks was apologizing multiple times and texting me. I went NC a month after he broke up with me. But then 2 weeks after I went NC, he said he really cared about me and hinted at getting back together. How do I know if he was sincere and testing the waters to get back together or just trying to make sure I still had feelings for him and haven’t moved on? We were together less than a year and had gone through a rough patch of not talking for a couple of weeks about 3 months before this. But at that previous rough patch he apologized and came around after a couple of weeks, but we had never officially broke up. This time was different though. It was a real break up. It was sudden and completely his decision, without talking things through with me. I think things were moving too fast for him as I had started talking about the future more. His friends say he has a history of being scared of getting too emotionally attached. He’s never dated anyone longer than 1 year and a half. So, does him saying he really cares about me mean that he wants to get back together but doesn’t want to flat out admit he was wrong? Even though he apologized multiple times, keeps asking our mutual friends about me, and he’s kept in touch with some texts? I’m getting conflicting messages from him. Please Help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 31, 2017 at 11:32 am
Hi Trish,
You can only break nc if he really says he wants to get back..because messages like that only says he misses you, not that he wants you back
Hannah
July 13, 2017 at 10:36 am
Amor, what do you think.. I can’t get it out of my mind… could it indeed be that he fakes this upcoming wedding? Just to make me suffer.. as I refused to commit for so long… Remember his best friend didn’t know about it, no fb signs, he is emotionally unstable and is really angry with me but loves me clearly witnessed by his drunk calls… maybe he’s bluffing to revange his anger by having me going through this pain… have you or Chris ever come across such thing throughout your years of experience? We’re still in NC but I think by now he went abroad to see her.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 14, 2017 at 6:37 pm
It can be..yeah, there are instances that some guys do it just to see how the ex will react
Hannah
June 29, 2017 at 10:47 am
I guess you’re right. Somewhere else on the net I read an interesting theory, I’d be interested to know what you and/or Chris think about it…
“A dumper’s “rebound” relationship is more likely to last if the dumpee remains in the picture in some capacity, whether as a friend or as the ex trying to “win back” the dumper. I feel like this gives the dumper control over the dumpee, knowing that he/she is a sure thing, which therefore decreases the dumper’s attraction to the dumpee. The dumper can then freely pursue this new person, while knowing that (just in case) the ex is waiting on the sidelines. Some of these “rebound” relationships can even lead to engagement and marriage when the dumpee is still in contact.”
This happened to me!!
Should I have stayed out of the picture as a friend in the first place, and should I now do that? (Tell him it’s better to let go and move on etc)? Even though it’s very short, 1.5 month till the wedding, he might realize in time what he misses when it’s not there anymore?
Hannah
July 9, 2017 at 6:38 am
OK… NC it will be… I think… he did text me asking very briefly how things are “are you ok and getting there”… no idea what he meant by “getting there”, but anyway I haven’t replied. I’ll just be quiet until that wedding and after until he contacts me. I know he will. Then I’ll be somewhat indifferent and reactive in my replies until we would get somewhere maybe. I almost know for sure he went abroad now to meet the rebound girl. And as he says, to marry her (if that’s true, I still have my doubts). He wont be online when being abroad so I don’t think he will notice that I didn’t respond to his last text. But Amor, don’t you think that if I stay NC until and after the wedding date (in about a month) will not be a sign for him like: see she doesn’t care.. she doesn’t want to commit, I’m doing the right thing marrying the rebound? But.. I feel I said everything, tried everything, he still keeps angry, so NC is the only thing I can do! Do you agree?
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 9, 2017 at 5:20 pm
If he thinks like that, that means he thinks of you, meaning he will check your account..so be sure to have posts in your social media accounts where posts lasts..so, he’ll regret not being with you, seeing the new you and how you’re handling eveything maturely instead of chasing him..
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 30, 2017 at 2:35 pm
Yup I agree with your plan.. He has to feel you’re not going to chase
Saz
May 20, 2017 at 6:46 pm
Think my previous comment was deleted or I did it wrong. So here it is again.
My ex ended things at New Year but we have been in regular contact since as we work together. I did no contact outside of work, we eventually met up but avoided discussing too much about us. I didn’t feel like it was moving on too much but I tried to stay patient. Then in April we went out for my birthday and we discussed our relationship a little and what we would have done differently. At the end of the night he held me like I have never been held before and he got very emotional. He text and called a bit over the next couple of days, we met a couple of times after this and we were getting on brilliantly. I then found out he had been seeing a girl (but only meeting up, nothing ‘happening’), and I found this out from her friend (I think she was fishing for info). It turned out that after our night out he called the girl and told her nothing would happen between them as he had feelings for me. The friend was saying that they were expecting him to say we were back together. I told her we were not but I wouldn’t discuss him with her/them.
I then left it a few days then let him know I knew about her. He explained he felt he had to move on but holding me meant so much he couldn’t do it and he still had feelings for me (first time he had said that since we split up). I asked if he had considered our relationship worth saving, he said ‘of course’ but didn’t say if he had been thinking it recently and I didn’t ask. The other girl went round to his that day and, again, he said he would prefer to just be friends with her and she agreed.
He called me the next morning to tell me this and then we spoke for 3 hours about everything else except us. Since then, we have been back at work, still getting on very well, and when I would keep my distance he would make excuses to come near me and show me something. But we haven’t spoken outside of work since.
I am so confused.
Saz
May 28, 2017 at 12:11 pm
So I decided to be brave, and I asked him why we weren’t together and what was going on. He was very honest about things and said that he felt too selfish to be in a relationship and something was holding him back but he didn’t know what. He said there’s times when he’s happy to be single so he can do what he wants but half of the time he just misses me. We spent hours talking about things and he walked me home, held me and kissed me. He said that he would like to spend the night with me and I said that would not happen if he didn’t know what he wanted, which he accepted. The next day at work he gripped my hand briefly and looked emotional so I gave him half a hug and told him he knew where I was. He hasn’t contacted me in the last 48 hours and I am not contacting him.
Saz
May 22, 2017 at 6:40 pm
Get clear in everything how? Ask him if he wants to be with me? He told me about a month ago that we wouldn’t be getting back together then told others he had feelings for me.
I decided not to contact him for a week and he never contacted me but at 8am this morning he sent a photo of his neighbours kitten with no text. I didn’t reply, then when he started work later he found me to ask if I had received it and hung around my desk.
I feel he knows exactly where I stand but he won’t tell me his own feelings and I’m scared to ask in case it pushes him away. He has a fear of commitment and I understand why. I said I felt foolish for telling him my feelings and he said that I had no need to feel like that but he never tells me his. I don’t even know why we split up.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 2:08 pm
ask if he still has feelings for you, and considered getting back together, what does his actions now mean? but I understand if you dont want to.. that’s actually risky because if you’re not that confident or if it’s not said the right way, it will look like you’re hoping.. so, I agree that you should focus more in yourself now.. That way you would appear like you’re not waiting, and if he doesn’t act fast, he’s going to lose a great person.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 22, 2017 at 6:01 pm
Talk to him and get clear about everything.. if he doesn’t want to proceed to the no contact rule. check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Saz
May 20, 2017 at 3:25 pm
My ex and I broke up at New Year after a year together. It’s been pretty bad since, but we get on and work together. I have done no contact. We then met up a few times, usually on his request. He calls occasionally. We get on at work. Blah blah blah. Then we seemed to be getting on very well and we discussed parts of our relationship that went wrong and we would change. That evening he held me like he has never held me before and he got very emotional. I found out he was starting to see someone but after that night out he contacted her and told her that they would only be friends and that he still had feelings for me (her friend told me this, apparently they were waiting to hear we had got back together and she was trying to get details). He called me and we spoke, I told him that I knew about the other girl, he said he was trying to move on and enjoyed her company, but realised he still had feelings for me (first time he admitted it the 4 months apart). I then asked if he had considered that we were worth saving and he replied ‘of course I have’. We then chatted about everything else in the world for 3 hours. It’s been a week now and while we’ve seen each other at work nothing else has moved on. He complimented me a lot and he tried to play the silly games we played before but I’m really confused.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 22, 2017 at 6:02 pm
Talk to him and get clear about everything.. if he doesn’t want to proceed to the no contact rule. check this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Vaness
May 1, 2017 at 12:38 am
My boyfriend of almost three years just broke up with me… five hours ago.
He was visiting (we’ve been long distance for a year), in town for work from an assignment abroad. He will be back in a few months, by the way.
We’ve been making it work well. Lots of communication, trust, and he also gets to travel back home more than five times a year. We would spend hours on the phone with each other. And a day wouldn’t go by where we didn’t text one another.
The assignment has been difficult, and at times, he credited me for being there to support him, to keep him going. He had a health scare prior to his move, which I was also there to help him with. We had been together through thick and thin.
We had been planning our summer trip together too.
Anyway, everything between us seemed well. He came for work as usual. This was not his first visit back. He had been super busy for the past two weeks, and couldn’t spend a whole lot of time with me, but he would at least call or text to let me know what he was doing. We had lunches and dinners whenever possible. It was a bit frustrating for me, not being able to see him while he was here, but I understood what he had on his plate.
Today was his last day in town. We had brunch together and did a bit of shopping before his flight. Everything was rosy. He caressed my knees while driving and clutched my arms while we were walking around the mall. As he was driving me home, he dropped the bomb. He apologized for not being able to spend a lot of time with me during this visit… and he said he didn’t want to make me sad in not being there, but at the same time, he didn’t want me to be sad if he got out of the relationship. We were three minutes from the house when he told me this. I felt like my whole world collapsed. I didn’t know what to say. I vowed to be better in whatever way(s) I could. I promised to go at a pace good for him. He just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to keep him from catching his plane, so out of anger and frustration, I got up and left, slammed the door of the car and rushed inside the house. He went to the airport.
I feel empty without the one person what meant everything to me. I’m so anxious. I don’t understand why this is happening. It totally sucks that I am head over heels for him, and it seems like he just doesn’t feel the same.
I turned my phone off and deactivated my social media. I don’t want any reminders of him. I just need to breathe right now. Going into no contact…
Any advice? What is he thinking? What should I do moving forward?
Vanessa
May 5, 2017 at 12:36 am
Thanks for your message, Hannah. It’s a roller coaster… sometimes I feel ok, with a bit of anger against him beaming through and me wondering why I put up with him… but other times, I really miss him and us… I look back on the good, our commonalities, the way he loved me, etc., and I feel sad. It feels like there’s a huge void in me.
How are you doing? I hope you’re able to pull through soon. We’d been doing long distance too, and fights like these make it all the more difficult to navigate and directly address issues in your relationship. But then I realize why we lasted this long anyway–despite the miles separating us, I think back at our connection, that special thing between us–the one that has endured. I’m sure you all have that same spark, the glue that holds you together. I hope both of you remember that as you try to get back together. I think it’s easy to let the recent negative memories cloud your head, but it always helps to remember the good of your past. I know it keeps me fighting, and I hope that with this space and time apart, he’s able to really remember that.
A lot can be said for focusing on you and working to re-attract him by sending positive vibes and images, but sometimes, like in your case, it is just as important to focus on the spoken word, words of sincerity. I have said my peace before going no contact, but I still am fearful of one day hearing from him and despite my attempts, hearing a cold rejection from him. But I guess that’s where the self-improvement also kicks in because IF he did reject you ultimately, it wouldn’t hurt as much since you’ve been working on fortifying your self-esteem.
All the best luck to you! Do let me know if you need a sympathetic ear… I know I thank you for yours!
Hannah
May 2, 2017 at 10:49 pm
Vaness, I wish you all strength during this horrible time and after this huge shock. I’m wowed by the fact that you’re able to tell your story so clear and seemingly sane, only 5 hours after this happened to you! I think it’s a good thing you came to visit this site so quickly, Chris offers a lot of good advise and so does Amor! It took me 4 months before I found it and in that time I did everything wrong I could do wrong like begging, pleeing, crying etc. At least you won’t make those mistakes as you’re getting in nc directly. All best of luck, I hope he’ll soon realize the mistake he made by letting you go. Hug for you from a fellow ex-boyfriend-recoverer (still in training) 😉
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2017 at 11:46 am
check this one:
EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?
Hannah
April 30, 2017 at 8:46 am
I was just wondering how I can best show to my ex that I have improved myself when we’re on long distance. Showing my self-confidence I do by posting photos on Facebook of me having good times with friends, I am confident about my looks so gym or haircut are no game changers, the only thing I can change compared to when we were together is to apologise for where I went wrong in our relationship as he thinks i took too long to commit but im ready for that now. But saying the latter appears needy and we are not in a stage we seriously talk about those things anyway. How do I improve myself with him seeing it and feeling he wants me back? And, how do I smartly show I respect myself too much too be a playball I his push/pull games, but without sounding bitchy and with keeping a nice vibe?
Hannah
June 25, 2017 at 11:08 am
I was ready to deal with my parents, I am ready to face the problems and just look at our own happiness, it’s our life. I told him that. But from his side he never has taken much initiative.
But anyway….
He texted me yesterday: “Here comes this day to say am finally getting over you, as for all these years we had, not even one step you made. What happened between us it was a good thing but finally i was the one picking the pieces up, for i never did want to let go. Am fragile. so dont text me more on my phone, just leave your doubts, for do know am crazy, what am doing is like kicking closed doors. No one just u n me know what we had, buts its like a third world war here.”
He’s going through rough times, maybe he had a fight at home, I don’t know. I think he drank when he wrote it. But tomorrow he has a courtcase about family properties, and that also causes stress. I have the feeling he tries to convince himself he is over me but he’s just rushing himself into that marriage to get away from it all.
I haven’t replied, stayed quiet. I want to be quiet till he cooled down because I think he’ll contact me again in some days to see how I am. He usually does that. I thought there’s nothing I can do now to reason with him. Am I right? Or do you think he will blame me for not bring there and staying quiet in a situation that is obviously so difficult for him? Should I stay quiet for now or send a word of support for the court case tomorrow?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 29, 2017 at 6:03 am
If he blames you then he’s being irresponsible..if he really wants to be with you, he’ll do the right thing instead of blaming you
Hannah
June 24, 2017 at 3:46 am
Hi Amor,
Remember my drama, with my LD lover who left me for a 20-years younger girl suddenly out of the blue because I couldnt commit for 4 years. After my last message here it went so well, I was cool, then built report.. we had great times on chat and phone, making funny jokes which he said only we can do. Indeed by being cool and a bit distant he wanted me more.. trying to get my attention. He said he looked at our photos… he called me twice when he was drunk calling me cherie which he did when we were together. And even one evening he texted me and asked me: say yes to go away together for good. I said yes and as I was with my parents I said, let’s skype tomorrow to discuss how we arrange everything. Then we had cybersex as I went up to my room. The following morning there was no news anymore for a week, then he texted again about everyday things but didnt get back to his question. Some time later I asked him why, and he said he felt just like vanishing but gave no explanation . My parents are against a relationship with him, that was one of the reasons i couldnt commit those 4 years. I was in another relationship with someone my parents loved, which went wrong because of him.. my previous boyfriend was a regular type while this lover is wild.. like me. So I think the reason he backed out is that he felt he was causing trouble between me and my family. And in case of difficult decisions he always runs away. I didn’t want to push too much so kept cool. He’s living with his mom but is having many family problems. He told me he wants to get away from his family as they treat him like shit. .. and now… a week ago… he suddenly sent me a text saying: “as promised we said we keep in touch and see whats going on in our life,
well surprise surprise
am getting married next month and moving out of here”. So WTF he’s suddenly getting married!! I called him, didn’t get angry but just said everything about not understanding his sudden decision and asking why he first asked me to say yes, two weeks ago, and now this. Her father doesn’t agree with the marriage because they know each other for 6 months of which 4 on LD. In my view he’s just using her to flee away from home, and she says just yes to anything he asks, they don’t have issues from the past, and he just wants someone anyone who will care for him, also financially. Aaah. I think there is no hope left, but then on the other hand he literally told me hus love for her is very different than how he loves me.. she is the vanilla where i am the passionfruit.. i have a wild vivid personality like he has. She is a yes-sayer and probably sweet to him. And problem-free it seems. At least for now, because they too have to face real life. He tells me clearly I should not push him and we will be friends. When I try to talk he just backs out and wants to talk about the weather, so I feel I never had the opportunity the last months to really solve our issues. I want to solve things but he doesn’t want to look back. So our last chat was a quarrel about that, but then he told me to stop it, and I said, fine, we’ll be freinds. Now he’s quiet… what to do now…. no contact and just let him marry her (but I’m afraid that he thinks, see she doesn’t care if I get married), or be angry and tell him he’s lost me for good in the hope he turns around, or just be his friend to at least be in contact to remain close and see how their situation develops? From everything it’s clear he loves me like no other, it’s me he wants (trust me if I hadn’t got this feeling I would have long given up) but he just wants to run away from his problems into the arms of someone who gives him vanilla love and a house… Oh Amor.. is this the moment to just give up? What to do? The wedding is on 12 august.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 24, 2017 at 5:56 pm
if he’s really getting married, then you need to move on.. Both of you are actually running away from the issues.. if you get back together, how would you deal with your parents?
Hannah
May 2, 2017 at 10:35 pm
Hahaha you’re funny! OK that’s a good one 😉
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 3, 2017 at 6:49 pm
😉
Hannah
May 2, 2017 at 6:18 pm
OK thanks Amor I will do this as you advise… but one thing I’m wondering… each time when I build rapport he’s flirting, then steering us into cybersex (we’re long distance). I flirt back, but I know I shouldn’t give him the cybersex!!! I read your advice of luring him, then pulling the bait away like fishing (so flirting and not going along into the cybersex last moment using an excuse). But I can’t put up excuses for 10 times… he’ll get suspicious and will know I play a game. This will make him angry. So how to keep myself interesting for him, flirt, but keep out if the cybersex trap? Tell him seriously I don’t want to do that without his commitment (he won’t like that because we had sex for years without me being fully committed) or just keep coming up with excuses like a broken webcam or so? Thanks a zillion… you pull me through!
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 2, 2017 at 8:43 pm
be cheeky.. tell him.. oh, that needs a boyfriend pass
Hannah
April 30, 2017 at 2:59 pm
1.5 months but with 2 mini nc in between…
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 1, 2017 at 10:42 am
the only way you can show it is through your posts and through the quality of your messages, on how you talk to him.. if you want to apologize, just make it casual.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 30, 2017 at 2:08 pm
how long have you been building rapport