Today’s episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast covers a very dark topic…
We hear from a woman named Maria whose ex boyfriend cited “falling out of love” as a reason for the breakup.
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My mission with this episode was to really dissect what is going on in a mans brain when he says this. Of course, Maria also wanted to know if falling out of love is a choice so you will get my thoughts on that as well as a few other little nuggets of knowledge.
What This Episode Covers
- Do people fall out of love?
- Is falling out of love a choice?
- Honeymoon periods and inexperienced daters.
- Age gaps between members of relationships.
- My whole take on Marias situation.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
- Falling Out Of Love
- Does Your Ex Even Care About You?
- EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back
- The Ungettable Girl
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
Is There A Game Plan For This Episode?
Sort of…
Maria didn’t really ask a game plan related question but I am not going to leave you listeners out to dry.
Below is what I recommend for Maria to do in this very delicate situation.
(Remember, her ex told her that he didn’t love her anymore.)
There are five takeaways to get from this “game plan.”
Takeaway One- Don’t Compromise Your Beliefs
Maria mentioned that her and her ex were going to wait for marriage and I insinuated that her ex may have held this against her. She shouldn’t compromise her beliefs for anyone.
Takeaway Two- Living Well
This is a little involved and I would recommend that you listen to this part of the episode because I talk about topics like the Frank Sinatra Effect which you can get a good grasp of if you listen to this episode.
Takeaway Three- Jealousy Tactics
I got the feeling that jealousy tactics may work on Maria’s ex. I actually recommended the movie text jealousy tactic which basically means she lets her ex fill in the blanks and become jealous. Again, you need to listen to the episode to fully grasp this concept.
Takeaway Four- End The Conversations Sooner
A common mistake that I see people make when it comes to getting their exes back is the fact that they don’t end conversations at the right point. In episode 3 of the podcast I told an interesting story about my wife and what she used to do to me that I found to be incredibly effective.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizGo back and listen to that episode for more information on what she did to me.
(I link to it in the important links section above.)
Takeaway Five- The Ungettable Girl
Need I say anything more?
BECOME ONE!
Podcast Transcript
Welcome to Episode 5 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited to have you here today. We have a very interesting topic today. We’re going to be covering what it means when a man says he’s falling out of love with you.
As a warning, I’m going to give you some harsh realities inside the mind of a man. You may not like everything you hear in this episode. I’m not saying that to scare you off. I’m saying that because I want to be transparent with you. I think I would be doing you a disservice if I just led you on, everything was all happy and we were living in Candyland.
Let’s hear our question today from a woman named Maria:
“I’ll get right to it. My name is Maria and I’m 20 years old. My first question is, do people fall out of love? Is it a choice? I say this because my ex-boyfriend of three years told me that he fell out of love with me. I was very heartbroken by the situation. I had asked him why. He couldn’t give me a clear answer.
I don’t know if it was a commitment issue or an age thing. He is 21. I didn’t understand. I haven’t talked to him since last September of 2014. I’ve done the no contact. I still haven’t talked to him. It’s kind of weird that I’m very close with his family. I’m very close with his mom and his sister. I don’t know if that gives me leverage. I’m just really confused on why he felt this way.
Did he choose to feel this way? He told me he didn’t. I feel like it’s complete BS that, after three years, he says he just fell out of love. I think it really is a choice, because we had an awesome relationship.
We were both saving ourselves for marriage. We have the same goals. He wasn’t just some guy I dated. He was the love of my life, and I still believe that. I’m still deeply in love with him. I’m moving on but still holding on. I just need help so badly, Chris. I really appreciate your website. Thank you.”
Thank you for leaving the message, Maria. I really appreciate it. I am happy to help you. Your question couldn’t have come at a better time. I just finished writing a rather long post on the reasons why men fall out of love with women, or at least my opinion on it.
I’m going to link to that in the show notes of this episode. If you by any chance happen to be browsing my website and stumble across this episode, just look in the show notes and there will be a link to the article on how men fall out of love with women.
With that in mind, I listened to your question about four or five times before I recorded this. I really wanted to grasp everything you were saying. I wanted to dissect it for myself. I noticed that you didn’t ask about getting him back. You asked questions about trying to understand why he broke up because he fell out of love with you.
That’s what I am going to talk about in this episode, what I think happened in your particular situation from the facts that you gave me. At the end of the episode, I will give you an actionable game plan like I do in every other episode. It will be what I think you should do going forward.
Perhaps the best way to start this is to talk a little bit about some of the reasons why men do fall out of love. The first thing I want to reference here is the honeymoon period. For those of you who don’t know, the honeymoon period is the period of time when you first start dating the person.
The person can do no wrong. The relationship is perfect. You think you’re going to end up with this person for the rest of your life. Everything is great. You get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. They get butterflies in their stomach every time they see you. That’s the honeymoon period.
The honeymoon period does not last forever. In an ideal relationship, it would, but it doesn’t. I noticed that you said your ex-boyfriend was 21. In my opinion, that is rather young starting off your relationship career. What can happen with inexperienced men is, maybe they’ve had one or two relationships before. They’ve felt the honeymoon period.
It’s the excitement of meeting someone new and being with someone new. They think that’s how a relationship is supposed to be from beginning to end. It’s almost like they grade their future relationships on this scale. When the honeymoon period ends and your relationship drops down to a normal level, they’re still looking at it and thinking it should be like the honeymoon period.
It’s impossible to maintain that type of intensity and the feelings that you feel. The emotional rawness and what you experience during the honeymoon period, I imagine there are all sorts of endorphins going through your brain. It’s crazy. You just can’t sustain that level of feeling forever.
An inexperienced man may think that you can. That might be what happened to you in your situation. More on that later.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnother common reason that men can fall out of love with you has to do with cheating. I want to tell you a little story about myself with regards to this. Avid readers of my site will know that I am deeply in love with my wife. I am probably the most loyal person in relationships that you can possibly imagine. I pride myself on this. I am probably more loyal than a dog. If you were to open up a dictionary and look up the word “loyal,” my picture would be right there.
As you can imagine, cheating is the lowest thing you can do to someone in a relationship, in my opinion. There is nothing worse than infidelity in a relationship. There is nothing that hurts more than that. I love my wife so much but I don’t think I’d be able to forgive anyone in a relationship if they cheated on me.
I would definitely fall out of love if that happened to me. I am not the only man that feels this way. It’s just horrible. If anyone out there listening has ever been cheated on, I imagine they know exactly what I am talking about here.
The third reason that men could potentially lose their feelings has to do with fights and arguments in a relationship. When you’re dealing with the honeymoon period, you don’t get into arguments. You don’t get into fights. You get along better than anyone. Eventually, as the relationship wears on, it starts to wear on the people in it. Tensions can rise. Fights can occur. If you have too many of these fights, it can have a negative impact on your relationship.
My dad has been married to my mom for about 30 to 40 years. He taught me something about how you need to look at relationships. He said that every time you get into a fight with your significant other, it’s like taking money out of a bank. Every time you have a positive experience, something incredible happens or you’re happy in the relationship, it’s like putting money into the bank.
The idea here is to put more money into this bank than you’re taking out of it. What happens with men is that some men can take fighting personally. It’s like taking too much money out of the bank. You’ll have an overdraft fee, so to speak. That would be the breakup.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty here. Maria, you asked me two questions. Number one, do people fall out of love? Number two, if they do, is it a choice? Let me answer number one first. Do people fall out of love? Yes, they do. I’m not naïve enough to live in the clouds and say that they don’t. I’ve seen way too much as a result of my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
Let me put it this way. If everyone stayed in love, my website wouldn’t exist. There would be no need for it because there would be no breakups.
This brings us to the second question. Is falling out of love a choice? I’ll admit, I struggled with this. For me, it’s hard to think about. I am madly in love with my wife. For me to put myself in a position where I have to think, “Could I ever fall out of love with her?”
It’s hurtful to me. It’s hard to go through, but for the sake of this episode, I tried to do it. I tried to put myself in a position where I would think, “If I did fall out of love with her, would it be a choice?” My conclusion was, yes, it would be a choice.
Here is my thinking on that. Like I said, I struggled with this. If you’re falling out of love or if your feelings are beginning to fade then you’re going to be faced with a choice when it comes to the relationship. You can take the easy way out, just cash out and say sayonara. You can say, “Let’s break up. Let’s go our separate ways. I’ll find someone else who can make me happy.”
Or you can stay in the relationship, communicate with your partner and try to figure this out so that you get to a point where you’re both not feeling this way. That’s my conclusion on falling out of love. You may not agree with it.
This is just my opinion. I don’t really speak for humanity itself. What I think is that, most men who leave relationships and cite the reason as, “I’m falling out of love with you,” are taking the easy way out. They’re not going to stay in the relationship and work on it. They don’t want to. They just want to take the easy way out and take their business elsewhere, so to speak.
This leaves us in a very interesting position. Let’s take a look at Maria’s situation. Her boyfriend told her that he’s falling out of love with her. She said a few things during her voice call that I thought were interesting. I know I’m probably going to get fried by the women listening to this episode for what I’m about to say.
I’m going to give a little disclaimer. The mind of a man is not always a pleasant place to be. I’m going to be telling you thoughts that he could potentially have in a situation like this. They’re not nice thoughts. Do not shoot the messenger. The messenger would be me.
Let’s talk about Maria’s situation. A few things she said resonated with me. Number one, she said, “Could it perhaps be a commitment issue?” Probably. It could be a commitment issue. At 21 years old, I was not ready for a long commitment. I just wasn’t mentally there. At 21 years old, I thought I knew everything. Maria’s ex-boyfriend is 21 years old.
At the age I am now, six years later, I realize I didn’t know anything. I thought I knew it all. I don’t know anything. I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I just didn’t know what it took. Now that I’m in a lifelong commitment with my wife, I know what it takes. I know what it takes to survive. I know what it takes to make a relationship flourish. At 21 years old, trust me, I did not have what it takes. I was not emotionally mature enough. I was not financially sound. I just wasn’t able to do it. It could be a commitment issue, Maria.
But something tells me it’s not that. You also mentioned that there was an age issue. I don’t think that’s it. You’re 20 and he’s 21. That’s solid. You probably do have the same goals. At 21, I was not very emotionally ready. I would imagine that a 21 year-old kid would not be ready. It could be the age thing, but I don’t think that’s it.
You did say one thing that resonated with me. I thought it was interesting. This is where I’m going to get torched. You said, “We are both waiting until marriage.” You should be commended for that. I want to stand up and applaud you. You deserve to be applauded for that.
I’m playing devil’s advocate here. He may not be so thrilled with that. He may tell you what you want to hear. He may tell you, “Yes, I’ll wait until marriage. You’re the only one for me.” But deep down, I don’t think he wants to wait until marriage. He broke up with you because he said he’s falling out of love with you. That essentially means he made the choice to leave and take his business elsewhere.
I’m not saying he had it. Let’s not crucify him yet. I’m saying that this could be a possibility. One of the reasons he had could have been that he thought, “With her, I’ll have to wait until I marry her. I’m only 21 years old. All of my friends are not virgins anymore. I’m a virgin. I’m waiting until marriage for her. I don’t want to wait until marriage. I want to have those experiences. If it’s not with her, it will be with someone else.” It’s a pretty scary thought, that a man could potentially think that about you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThat’s probably one of the lowest things a man could do. Just because you won’t give it up, he wants to go to someone else who will. Perhaps the more hurtful part is that he wouldn’t be honest with you about it. I’m sure if you asked him point blank, he would deny it. We are talking about something that’s deep in him.
What I’m trying to describe to you are the thoughts that he won’t verbalize. I’m trying to give you insight into the mind of a man. He could be thinking that. It’s a possibility. I think I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t at least mention that this could be a possibility.
Now that we’ve talked about falling out of love and the philosophical things that go along with that, let’s give Maria a game plan to go forward. I’m assuming she wants her ex back. Let’s do what we can to help her accomplish that goal.
I spent about 30 minutes putting your game plan together today, Maria. I think it’s pretty solid. Getting an ex back is complex. It’s not an overnight process. I certainly can’t explain everything that you need to know in this one podcast episode. What I would recommend is that you comb through my site. Grab my book. Do everything you can to acquire the knowledge you need and go forward.
Here is the bird’s eye view game plan for you. I’ve divided it up into five steps. Step number one is not to compromise your beliefs. If you want to wait until marriage, don’t give in to him if he doesn’t. You have your beliefs. Stick to them. Stick to your guns. You should be applauded for that. If this is really the reason he broke up with you, that you wouldn’t give it up, you’re better off without him.
That’s my opinion. A man should love you more than just the physical aspects. He should love you for what’s inside as well as what’s outside. That physical aspect certainly has to come into play eventually, not just for him but for you as well. Making love is an incredible thing. Don’t compromise your beliefs for him. Don’t change who you are for him.
Step number two is something I like to call the Frank Sinatra effect. In Episode 3, I gave a quote from Frank Sinatra. He said, “The best revenge in life is massive success.” I want you to go forward thinking that. The best way to get him back, even though you’re not trying to get revenge, is to have massive success in your life.
Be an A in every single area of your life. There is no weak area. You are just a massive success. If you do that going forward, not only are you going to be helping yourself internally, you’ll be helping the situation with your ex as well. As I explained in Episode 3, men often gravitate towards women who have their lives together. It’s this weird phenomenon that I noticed.
Step number three is to try some jealousy tactics. When I was listening to your situation, something inside of me said, “This guy might be susceptible to some jealousy.” A good example of this would be to use a movie text. It’s an indirect jealousy method that you could use. You could say, “Hey, I went to a movie with my friend. You should go see it.”
Here is the clever part. Fifty Shades of Grey just came out. A girl would probably be taking a guy to that movie. If you’re saying to your ex, “Hey, I just saw Fifty Shades of Grey with my friend. You should go see it,” he’s going to think things like, “Wait, why did she see that movie with a guy? Why didn’t she ask me?” He might get a little jealous. Fifty Shades of Grey is a pretty raunchy movie. That in and of itself might produce some sort of jealousy or reaction from him.
Step number four is to end the conversation sooner with him. When I was listening to your message, you kept saying, “I’m so in love with him. He’s the love of my life.” That’s okay. I’m glad that you found the person you think is the love of your life. But don’t be afraid to end conversations sooner with him. Something tells me that, in your communications to him, you may not have been ending conversations soon.
If you want advice on how to end the conversation sooner, you should check out the sales page for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. On that page, I explain this thing called the Ziegarnik effect. It’s a psychological principle that you can use to help get your ex back. I would check that out. It sounds weird, but you can learn a lot of things on the sales page even if you’re not going to buy the book. Step number four is to end the conversation sooner with him on a high point.
Step number five is the final step. It’s the un-gettable girl. This is an idea that I came up with on my own. I am more than happy to claim rights to that one. Most of the ideas that I come up with are from other people that I think will work, or psychological principles like the Ziegarnik effect that I think would work.
The un-gettable girl is all from me. It’s the idea that you become this goddess that could walk into any room and sway any man. The point of it is that men are attracted to things they can’t have. I’m pretty sure that your ex-boyfriend thinks he can have you. You almost need to turn that around and make him think that he can’t have you. The jealousy tactics would work. He’ll start thinking, “Someone else can have her but I can’t have her.” He can become attracted to you that way. Self-improvement is a great way to do that.
Maybe go out on a few dates with some other guys. Maybe go on a friend date. You don’t actually have to go out on a date. It can be just a friend hanging out. Word could get around to him.
The way you conduct yourself in text messaging is important as well. All of these aspects of the un-gettable girl are things you need to work on. That could be extremely beneficial to you. I’m going to link to the massive article I wrote about the un-gettable girl in the show notes of this episode. You can find this episode on my website, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode5.
That’s the end of this episode about why men fall out of love with you, or what he means when he says he’s falling out of love with you. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. I hope you come back for tomorrow’s episode. Please subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. Leave an honest review. Anything you do will help. I will see you tomorrow. Be good.
Sarah
January 5, 2017 at 8:15 am
Hi!
I’ve been with my ex for almost 11 years and he was my first love. I am almost 25 years old and this is the first time we ever broke up. The reason behind that he broke up with me is that he has fallen out of love. However, I’ve been hearing from friends that he still love me but doesn’t wanna tell me to get my hopes up if we don’t get back together. Also, from what I’ve been hearing is that he misses me and still asks his friends if he can watch my snapchat. I realize that our relationship has reached that too casual stage, I was clingy, and we did have arguments but it was never nasty. Another thing I would like to conclude, is that my ex has always been a groomsmen for almost every wedding that he has attended. We really are good together and are the best of friends, but how can I really get him back? Will space between us really make him notice how good we are together?
On the upside, I do feel more refresh as a person since the break-up, for I have becoming a better me, but honestly it’s time to go home to him. But I just don’t want to contact him and push him away even further. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 7, 2017 at 4:25 am
Hi Sarah,
when did you break up? you mean you kept talking until now and you’re friendzoned?
Ashley
July 24, 2016 at 3:28 pm
Hello all,
I will try to keep this as short as possible. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me, essentially because his parents didn’t approve of the relationship (he’s Iranian, I’m not). This had always been a conversation in our relationship — how we would deal with his parents — but he always assured he would fight for me.
We were honestly great together, we didn’t fight, had great chemistry, made each other laugh and got along with each other’s friends. We had discussed marriage and he recently asked me to move in.
Then, we got into a big fight over his parents and him not talking about me enough to them. We led to us breaking up. He said that he hit a wall and was tired of fighting; he couldn’t see happiness in our future because of his family; he can’t see himself becoming apart of my family; and then he said he has been feeling stressed because of our relationship over the past 2 months and that he fell out of love.
I don’t believe he actually doesn’t love me anymore, as his actions and demeanor said otherwise and then he said he tells himself that to make it easier for himself, although I don’t know if he’s just sparing my feelings. He says he’s done talking about it and that nothing he says will make me feel better, it’ll just be time.
I begged, cried, pretty much did everything this site says I SHOULDN’T do when he broke up with on June 13. But I’m now on day 5 of no contact, and am trying to heal. I am just so torn up over this and it feels like the pain will never end. But my question is: Should I hold out hope or am I just hurting myself more in the process by doing that?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 27, 2016 at 12:01 pm
Hi Ashley,
It looks like they’re still hope.. both of you just need space for you to heal and for him to remember the good times
Zoe
May 26, 2016 at 10:23 am
Hi Chris, I have recently broken up with my bf of 1 year and 4 months and is currently doing NC (6th day now). The reason we broke up was mutual somewhat. I just noticed that he doesn’t seem as happy as he used to. One day, he asked me if it would be okay if we took a break as he misses his single life. I cried of course, and he comforted me. He asked if I ever saw him in the future, my answer somehow seem to touch him. A week later, he starts treating me more nicely and says I love yous more often than before (maybe out of guilt). Even if I’m happy, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he(23) is not. I’m his first gf(21), this is his first time trying a relationship, and he’s been very sweet and honest throughout. He’s the nice guy that could never imagine hurting a girl, hence I can say that may be the reason why he rather bury his emotions just to keep me happy. But knowing he is sufferring is killing me also. So we talked through the phone (we only meet twice a month, he is also very free to do what he likes), and I discussed about how he is. This made him realize he doesn’t love me anymore. It hurts, but I appreciate his honesty. When we finally meet for the official break up, I gave him all his gifts, and he kept asking me to keep them. He says he wants to keep my gifts to him because he wants to remember me. He says he is grateful, he says I gave him reason to make something of himself. But when love fades, it becomes difficult. He also says that this was not my fault (we rarely fight, and both are quick to apologize to one another). He says he is confused at what he wants in life, where he is in this relationship, and that he needs time to think. He asked me why I love him, I accidentally stared at his crotch, which made both of us laugh (he thinks he’s so good in bed lol), and offered to let me touch it for the last time, but then decided no, a boner is the last thing one needs during a break up that was supposed to be serious lol. I gave him his birthday gift early, because I may miss it after we break up. He almost cried, and just grabbed me for a last tight hug. He said “this may be over, but it’s not the end”. And I joked about giving him the booty call, he was hesitant to that idea because he thinks I’m always horny. We laughed again. When it was time for me to leave his car, he tugged me back in with the excuse to let a car pass by first, 3 times to let 3 cars pass by (even if I could easily just leave quickly) and that’s the last I saw him. I immediately proceeded to NC, he texted me on the 4th day to ask I was, but I didn’t reply. I’m confused when he says his love faded, but his actions seem to say otherwise. Does he still have feelings for me? NC is so difficult, it feels mean to ignore him, but I figured that most men his age get scared and want to run away from commitment. He is also about to finish his internship and need to start looking for a job and move in with a new roomate. He could be stressed out, but I’m not asking to be married right now, it just baffles me sometimes how guys just get scared and overwhelmed so easily, but that’s biology’s fault I guess.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 29, 2016 at 1:49 pm
Hi Zoe,
you say you only meet twice a month? Maybe that’s the reason the desire faded. Are you in a long distance relationship? But one of the reasons also is because he wants to experience more of the world once he starts his new job.
Valerie
February 17, 2016 at 4:04 pm
Hey Chris, trying to make this short. My ex and I only dated for two and a half months before he dumped me. At first he claimed to be head over heels and would say I love you all the time and how he wanted a future together. Then we had an argument one day when were talked about me wanting a family some day way down the line and how he never wante one and it got pretty heated. He started falling out of love with me soon after but didn’t vocalize it. He’s a shy loner type and I did no contact but would consistently mess it up by over texting and calling randomnly. Now he’s sick of talking about and is fine randomnly hooking up and hanging out but claims he doesnt love me anymore so why be exclusive. Can this even be fixed if we had such a short relationship? Or are we just not compatible and I need to get my emotions together and move on? I feel like an idiot for believing he loved me when he was obviously fickle. Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 18, 2016 at 10:36 am
Hi Valerie,
first you have to stop being friends with benefits with him, coz whether you have same beliefs or not, that keeps you from getting back with him then second, if he really doesn’t want to have to a familu, it’s either you get back with him and hope he changes his mind in a specific period of time and if not you should be prepared to leave him or just move on now
Nina
September 25, 2015 at 7:03 pm
Dear Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago. He was very emotional about it and so was i. He sad he didn’t know anymore and wasn’t feeling it anymore. We kept in touch for a week and spoke a little bit. But in the end he said that we can’t be togheter if he isn’t feeling it. I asked him if i have to have hope, he said he doesn’t know but he hopes his feelings come back but he doesn’t know of they will be. Than we haven’t spoke in a week and after that i asked him if he wanted to meet. He didn’t know he was afraid that i got my hopes up. So we didn’t. Than after i asked him if he was with somebody else he said that he was talking on whatsapp to another girl but it was nothing serieus and he thinks he can talk to everyone. i went a little bit crazy and stopt talking to him. In the end he said that he doesn’t know how he feels in six months. So i’m left clueless.
Now i am applying No Contact, it has bin a week. but it’s hard.
Have you any advice for me.
I don’t know it anymore.
I’m sorry for my bad English.
X
Nina
September 25, 2015 at 7:07 pm
we were 2,5 years togheter
X
Mariz
September 8, 2015 at 3:37 am
Hi Chris,
Hope you could give me your insights with my situation. My boyfriend for 8yrs broke up with me. He confess to me that he got another girl for 2yrs. But they had already broke up. Upon cofession., he told me that he can’t lie to me anymore and he thinks that I can find another man that can love me the way I want to be loved. He also said that he has already fell out of love with me a year ago. But I didn’t even notice it. I have no idea about it. Then after our break up. He said that he is starting to have a feeling with his team are that is comforting him. I even begged him to choose me over her. I even ask him to stop seeing that girl but he said hr can’t do it. I can’t believe he is willing to throw our relationship and friendship for the girl he just get along for less than a month. Please help me.
Kelsey
August 11, 2015 at 10:39 pm
Me and my ex boyfriend are both 24, we just broke up said he lost feelings for me, the flame in our relationship died, he needed some space and time to think things through, maybe just be single for a while, we didn’t really have anything in common (though we did) he couldn’t see a future with me. Previously he told me he had been having on and off feelings for me for a couple months before the breakup but thought they would just go away.
We agreed to no contact for a month or so to be able to heal and give us both time to think for ourselves… I’ve noticed he goes on Facebook less he usually gets off the second he sees I’m on, and doesn’t like or comment on other friends posts anymore. (We have mutual friends) his family loved me, my family loved him. I love him.
So my questions are… Can the no contact rule still work if we both agreed on it? Why would he add a girl on Facebook he knew I hated, knowing I would see it? I accidentally left some things at his apartment I didn’t realize until now, could this help get him back because they’ll remind him of me or no?
Chris Seiter
August 19, 2015 at 3:07 pm
It sounds like his friends were motivators in this decision. It’s strange that you were together for over 5 years and all of the sudden he lost feelings? He just wants to be single for a bit with his buddies. Use NC and jealously to re-attract him also.
https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-make-your-ex-boyfriend-jealous/
Kelsey
August 11, 2015 at 10:43 pm
We were dating for 5 1/2 years… Living together for over a year with two male roommates who were single themselves and his best friends…
Char
June 26, 2015 at 6:16 am
Hello, Chris.
My ex dumped me about 9 days ago saying he hadn’t felt anything in a while and didn’t want to keep dragging me along, and 2 days after that I gave him a box of stuff and a letter explaining why. He said the look in my eye hurt Him. We were dating about 7 months but talked/had a few dates before that and we were very excited about each other, introverted and dark humour, he’s a 21 yo gamer and I’m a 22 yo artist . The past few months were very dry and not affectionate or touchy like we used to be (too many people, busy, not the right time). We lost touch. I had physical relations before him but not emotional, and I was his first. I asked if he would want to retry a few days ago but told him I need space first, and then I started NC (work together, doing your advice for limited contact). Is there anything you would suggest? Thank you for reading and sorry about ALLLL off that.
megan
April 8, 2015 at 6:34 am
Please help me Chris.. My boyfriend would Rather hang out with his friends than spend time with me.. He’s always with his friends (guys only) and doesn’t seem too interested to be with me.. How can I change that??
Irma
April 3, 2015 at 8:59 pm
When you find yourself in this situation, should you still do the no contact rule?
admin
April 7, 2015 at 8:33 pm
I believe in most cases yes you should.
Elien
April 3, 2015 at 7:37 pm
Hello Chris,
I just found out about your website yesterdag evening, and I didn’t find the time yet to read it all over. But I was wondering if you could help me too with my situation?
My ex boyfriend ( who is 19, while I’m 21) broke up with me last Sunday. We had a relationship for 6 months. I thought we had a pretty great relationship. I mean, I know we are like totally opposites( with different intresses and different charachters) but he made me calm ( I’m from natura kinda a emotional person) and I was truelly happy around him. I mean we didn’t even fight… well, I could try to be pissed but he was always the one who calmed me down in the end.
But to the point, we have had some issues in the two last weeks. Like he was acting different… or more like… I always knew he was not that very social and communicative person ( sometimes he would just forget to text me back,and was not so in to Facebook) but now he was like well, more distant. We had a fight on Facebook though, and he said something about me being .. I’m sorry I can’t really translate it ( I’m a dutch speaking girl) it’s like not very open in my mind? But when I asked him about it, right away he was like: just leave it, it was a mistake… and afterwards he was like totally forgotten about it. So, then I thought it was alright… but well, maybe not so alright. Otherwise I would not read this site. We had a fight in text again last Thursday. Well, I just send an angry text to him. And then I just put my Phone away, because I was like: Well, I’m angry now. I didn’t contact him for three days, and he did only send me one textmessage. I was waitting for him to apologise… in the end I did it though, because I saw some shit on the internet that sometimes you need to apologise for you boyfriend to be comfortable about it. But he answered on Facebook;’I don’t think this goodmaking is going to work. I don’t feel the same anymore for you as I did before.’ …
So I acted really bad then, I know. I said some terrible things to him about being a coward for trying to dump me online. Afterwards I texted him I prefered that I could just die instead of being dumped. I texted him he didn’t care… and well, it got just really bad. I was just very emotional. My friend then showed up on my doorstep. In the end she and I talked, and my stephfather also gave me some advice. So, I went to call my boyfriend( after I already hung up on him for a dozen times when he tried to call me) and asked him to meet me. But like, to be again more dramatic… this is going to be a strange situation for you I guess, I asked if my friend could come with me to the meeting ( I just begged her, because otherwise I was afraid I would do some stupid things like begging him to stay, holding his legs or so) and that was okay. But… well, when we got there, we saw each other in a cofeebar in the station, there was a male mutual friend from us sitting with him. they just saw each other on the train or so and decides to stay together, I dunno.
And well, My boyfriend just told me he wasn’t in to me anymore, didn’t love me anymore. I asked him why he didn’t say this before… if his feelings were fading away, why didn’t he tell me, so I could have a chance. I was angry ofcourse, so I told him some things like you just put me in a corner, you’re selfish. So I totally fucked up here, I know. I asked him for another chance, but he wouldn’t give me one, because that doesn’t work ( then he started to give me a stupid story about why: with his ex and him didn’t work it out either, so then I felt like:’ Really, are ya kidding me?) but right… then our Mutual friend was talking and convincing him to just have a time to think about it… or actually I don’t know. Because we just broke up, but not official?
Definition: He would give me a 3 week break to get adjust to the idea he would leave me. And I would not contact him in any way ( my promise, I guess). I actually wanted him to think about his decision and come back on it, but when we left his conclusion was: So, I just don’t see her for 3 weeks, and then we meet again and break up officialy. ( and then I would get some left behinds I left on his schoolroom)
so, I’m sorry if this is a really long comment. My questions for you is actually pretty simple:
– Can I get him back after this?
– What do I have to do with this NC rule? Does it count like this after the weird deal we made. Do I just need to keep to it, or do I need to make it longer?
– Can you maybe say me what to do here, because I don’t know anymore.
Liva
March 31, 2015 at 9:25 pm
Hi Chris!
Thanks for helping so many people out there with their broken hearts – that really means something. I’m Liva, 21 years old. My ex boyfriend (22) broke up with me exactly 3 weeks ago. Our relationship started about 3½ years ago, where we fell madly in love and had an overall great relationship. He then broke up with me after 1½ year because he didn’t wanna be in a relationship anymore.
Anyway, I actually got him back 1 year later and our relationship was better than ever – we had really worked on all our former issues, we communicated better, pretty much nevern fought (never anything serious) and we have had absolutely no problems during our “second relationship”. We even talked about moving in together in about 5 months, when I can’t live in my current apartment anymore. To sum up: We were doing amazing! Honestly the couple all our friends loved and looked up to – we’ve always been a great fit.
Well, 3 weeks ago he broke up with me (again). This time completely out of the blue, I hadn’t seen any signs at all (and I’m usually extremely good at that). His reason was that he doesn’t love me or has any feelings for me whatsoever anymore. He had been thinking about it a couple of weeks – one day he woke up and felt differently (his words). I found it hard to understand and kept suggesting that we could work on it – I was definately willing to fight for such a relationship, but he didn’t wanna fight at all. He wanted to be “on his own” again. He just moved to a new apartment with his best friend the week before, which also made me thinking he could be affected by such a change. Anyway, he really didn’t wanna fight for it and isn’t even sure if we should be friends anymore as it got a bit complicated the last time we broke up and remained close friends. I accepted it and we parted with a hug and a sad smile.
My question here is: Is it even possible to get him back? He has lost all love/feelings for me in the past but still ended up falling in love with me even deeper than before. I’m not even sure at all that I want him back, I’m actually doing pretty great: Hanging with lots of friends, picking up on my hobbies, going to work… I haven’t even really cried yet and actually feel pretty good. I haven’t contacted him at all (NC) since the break-up and neither has he, so I’m not looking for NC-advice or anything. And as I said, I’m not even sure that I want him back at all, deep down I just believe in fighting for all the good things in life.
So again: I really need to know if you think it’s even possible to get him back at some point? Not if I should or anything, just… Is it possible?
Thanks in regard!
admin
April 2, 2015 at 11:20 pm
Is is possible?
Yes
Will it be easy?
No
Liva
April 4, 2015 at 9:51 am
What do you think the chances are? I’m not really sure how to handle a situation, where he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore?
(Btw, I forgot to mention that after we got back together our relationship lasted a year so we’ve been together almost 3 years combined.)
Faith
March 21, 2015 at 9:38 pm
Hi Chris,
I love your website and your books! Thanks for writing them 🙂
I’d appreciate your advice… My ex boyfriend said that he fell out of love with me over the last two months of our relationship… we were together for over a year. He said it just doesn’t feel the same anymore and he seems pretty shut down emotionally. The last two months or so we fought a lot over little things that wouldn’t normally be a problem. He asked for some space in February and I heard from him once since then, when he said we could take it slow again but then I never heard anything. The year we were together was amazing, both of us super happy and his friends said they’d never seen him happier. He is finalizing his divorce in the next while (after 4 years separated) and has been exceptionally busy with work. Is there any chance he still loves me and that he was simply overwhelmed and found it easiest to make me the problem? haha maybe wishful thinking 😉 …
I’ve read your book and am following your plan… I just can’t quite figure out what happened!
Thanks!
admin
March 22, 2015 at 5:31 pm
You are welcome Faith!
There is a chance always BUT I think a man who is divorced also wants to run free for a while. So, itll take a special woman to tie him down (you might be the woman for it though.)
Mary
March 8, 2015 at 2:34 pm
Hey! I wanted your input on my situation. Towards the end of our relationship we didnt see one another for awhile and got into arguments and out of nowhere it just ended. Than he told alot of people he lost feelings for me and it’s just not the same anymore. It’s been about two months after the break up and we were still in contact, he keeps changing his mind. Sometimes he says we can try to make things work on a certain day. And he made this whole plan and agreed to it. But the last time i talked to him he said no theres to many problems? I realize its not the same for him anymore but we havent even spent time with one another for awhile. He seems happy and doesnt care at all. He keeps saying ” idk whats going to happen in the future ” ive been in no contact for 2 weeks, i plan on staying in no contact and focusing on myself and becoming a better me. How long should i stay in no contact and do you think this situation is hopeless?
admin
March 13, 2015 at 3:17 pm
Sorry for the late response Mary.
I think your plan is good.
Another two weeks in NC is ideal.
raven
March 3, 2015 at 5:47 pm
Quick info:
We’re both turning 20 this year, been together almost 4 years. we were eachothers firsts. He lied alot and I was manipulative,insecure and jealous
My ex and i broke up because I saw a text to a girl he wrote where he said “its like a switch went off in his head and he nolonger wants a long term relationship” I was going to break up with him that night but once he started talking about his feelings, I realized we could work it out. but he didnt want to.
After begging for him back I am finally finishing week 1 of NC. He is partying alot now and has made a “hot or not” profile (dating app) He seems happy without me. I bought your ebook and have been working on being the ungettable girl. (already lost 11 lbs in a little more then a week)
I manipulated him and started fights in our relationship and after this break up it opened my eyes. However, is it too late? Do you think he’s given up on any chance of me changing? He said he needs time to be single and we can talk in 2 weeks when he’s made a decision (that was before i found this site)
Can I bounce back from this shitty person I was? I know his friends and mom dont like me and he listens to everyone.
Thank you!
admin
March 5, 2015 at 7:57 pm
Its not impossible it is just going to take some time.
You might want to go longer than just 1 week NC though.
raven
March 6, 2015 at 5:06 am
He seems happy without me, almost relieved. My mom thinks he just wanted time to be single and to explore since he’s so young. Should I just back off completely and move on? I believe if I show him what I’ve learned about treating people and viewing myself, we could be happy but I’m afraid he just wants to have sex with random girls and party.. and I can’t do anything about that. Is this just a way of getting over us? or is he done?
admin
March 7, 2015 at 5:50 pm
Your mom may be right.
I think moving on is a good idea but I am willing to bet sometime down the road that he will call you out of the blue once you have moved on and express interest.
Can’t tell you how many times I have seen that happen.
hell
March 2, 2015 at 11:27 pm
hi chris , my bf left me saying that love is not everything in a relationship .
what does he means
admin
March 3, 2015 at 9:42 pm
I don’t know about that… I think love is pretty darn important in a relationship.
Julia
March 2, 2015 at 11:32 am
Hello Chris,
I’m Julia, 19, and my boyfriend,20, of 13months just broke up with me 6 days ago. It all just doesn’t seem to make sense, because he told me his feelings for me have faded, but he had tears in his eyes when he was saying it, and he’s not the guy to cry at every situation. It came all as a huge surprise to me, my friends, even his best friend was in shock, because he was always telling him how happy he is. Three days before he ended it, we were one week on a skiing holiday with my parents and he seemed to enjoy it, we had good laughs, he was already planning next week for when we get back home. We exchanged valentine’s gifts which were both perfectly fitting and he was saying how happy he is that we know each other so well. a month ago on our 1year-anniversary he was saying how happy he is that it still feels like the first day. I had no idea because I thought we were happy.
A few days ago he was telling two of our friends that he is sure about his decision.
I was using the no contact rule for those 6days and today he wrote to me how I feel and if we can meet to talk.
I did not respond yet and dont want to do it right away. But I want him back, and I feel like if I keep up the NC, he will turn away from me and try to move on..
Help,please?
admin
March 2, 2015 at 10:10 pm
Just stay in NC and thats a common fear that usually never happens.
Angel
February 23, 2015 at 12:26 pm
Hi Chris,
Can you please, please, please do a podcast dedicated to how to handle and initiate the first initial stages of post NC communication? From text messages to phone calls to eventual meet ups? I think this would be very well received information for your fans of the site!
Thanks and have a great week!
admin
February 23, 2015 at 2:37 pm
Hi Angel,
You can record the question to me on my contact page and I will record the episode for you!
Angel
February 23, 2015 at 11:06 pm
Hi Chris,
Is there any way you could read my question and answer it? Call me paranoid, but I’m scared my ex will somehow come across a recording, recognize my voice and it’ll blow a hole in my getting him back plan 🙁
admin
February 24, 2015 at 9:17 pm
I understand completely unfortunately EBR is no longer small enough to where I can do that.
Comments and the podcast are all I can do personally really.
Angel
February 24, 2015 at 11:49 pm
Hi Chris,
Sorry, not read it and answer in an email, but use it as a basis for the next podcast? Basically just hoping for you to outline the steps once post NC communication has started. I’m stuck in the friendly texting stage and unsure of how to approach the subject of meeting up.
Thanks!
admin
February 25, 2015 at 9:26 pm
I will keep that in mind as I keep recording podcasts!
Angel
February 25, 2015 at 9:38 pm
Thanks, Chris, that would be amazing! Just gave you a review on iTunes, thanks again for all you do for us hopeful ladies here!
admin
February 25, 2015 at 10:13 pm
Thank you so much!