Today’s episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast covers a very dark topic…
Falling out of love…
We hear from a woman named Maria whose ex boyfriend cited “falling out of love” as a reason for the breakup.
My mission with this episode was to really dissect what is going on in a mans brain when he says this. Of course, Maria also wanted to know if falling out of love is a choice so you will get my thoughts on that as well as a few other little nuggets of knowledge.
What This Episode Covers
- Do people fall out of love?
- Is falling out of love a choice?
- Honeymoon periods and inexperienced daters.
- Age gaps between members of relationships.
- My whole take on Marias situation.
IMPORTANT Links Mentioned In This Episode
- Falling Out Of Love
- EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back
- The Ungettable Girl
- Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO
Is There A Game Plan For This Episode?
Maria didn’t really ask a game plan related question but I am not going to leave you listeners out to dry.
Below is what I recommend for Maria to do in this very delicate situation.
(Remember, her ex told her that he didn’t love her anymore.)
There are five takeaways to get from this “game plan.”
Takeaway One- Don’t Compromise Your Beliefs
Maria mentioned that her and her ex were going to wait for marriage and I insinuated that her ex may have held this against her. She shouldn’t compromise her beliefs for anyone.
Takeaway Two- Living Well
This is a little involved and I would recommend that you listen to this part of the episode because I talk about topics like the Frank Sinatra Effect which you can get a good grasp of if you listen to this episode.
Takeaway Three- Jealousy Tactics
I got the feeling that jealousy tactics may work on Maria’s ex. I actually recommended the movie text jealousy tactic which basically means she lets her ex fill in the blanks and become jealous. Again, you need to listen to the episode to fully grasp this concept.
Takeaway Four- End The Conversations Sooner
A common mistake that I see people make when it comes to getting their exes back is the fact that they don’t end conversations at the right point. In episode 3 of the podcast I told an interesting story about my wife and what she used to do to me that I found to be incredibly effective.
Go back and listen to that episode for more information on what she did to me.
(I link to it in the important links section above.)
Takeaway Five- The Ungettable Girl
Need I say anything more?
Welcome to Episode 5 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m very excited to have you here today. We have a very interesting topic today. We’re going to be covering what it means when a man says he’s falling out of love with you.
As a warning, I’m going to give you some harsh realities inside the mind of a man. You may not like everything you hear in this episode. I’m not saying that to scare you off. I’m saying that because I want to be transparent with you. I think I would be doing you a disservice if I just led you on, everything was all happy and we were living in Candyland.
Let’s hear our question today from a woman named Maria:
“I’ll get right to it. My name is Maria and I’m 20 years old. My first question is, do people fall out of love? Is it a choice? I say this because my ex-boyfriend of three years told me that he fell out of love with me. I was very heartbroken by the situation. I had asked him why. He couldn’t give me a clear answer.
I don’t know if it was a commitment issue or an age thing. He is 21. I didn’t understand. I haven’t talked to him since last September of 2014. I’ve done the no contact. I still haven’t talked to him. It’s kind of weird that I’m very close with his family. I’m very close with his mom and his sister. I don’t know if that gives me leverage. I’m just really confused on why he felt this way.
Did he choose to feel this way? He told me he didn’t. I feel like it’s complete BS that, after three years, he says he just fell out of love. I think it really is a choice, because we had an awesome relationship.
We were both saving ourselves for marriage. We have the same goals. He wasn’t just some guy I dated. He was the love of my life, and I still believe that. I’m still deeply in love with him. I’m moving on but still holding on. I just need help so badly, Chris. I really appreciate your website. Thank you.”
Thank you for leaving the message, Maria. I really appreciate it. I am happy to help you. Your question couldn’t have come at a better time. I just finished writing a rather long post on the reasons why men fall out of love with women, or at least my opinion on it.
I’m going to link to that in the show notes of this episode. If you by any chance happen to be browsing my website and stumble across this episode, just look in the show notes and there will be a link to the article on how men fall out of love with women.
With that in mind, I listened to your question about four or five times before I recorded this. I really wanted to grasp everything you were saying. I wanted to dissect it for myself. I noticed that you didn’t ask about getting him back. You asked questions about trying to understand why he broke up because he fell out of love with you.
That’s what I am going to talk about in this episode, what I think happened in your particular situation from the facts that you gave me. At the end of the episode, I will give you an actionable game plan like I do in every other episode. It will be what I think you should do going forward.
Perhaps the best way to start this is to talk a little bit about some of the reasons why men do fall out of love. The first thing I want to reference here is the honeymoon period. For those of you who don’t know, the honeymoon period is the period of time when you first start dating the person.
The person can do no wrong. The relationship is perfect. You think you’re going to end up with this person for the rest of your life. Everything is great. You get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. They get butterflies in their stomach every time they see you. That’s the honeymoon period.
The honeymoon period does not last forever. In an ideal relationship, it would, but it doesn’t. I noticed that you said your ex-boyfriend was 21. In my opinion, that is rather young starting off your relationship career. What can happen with inexperienced men is, maybe they’ve had one or two relationships before. They’ve felt the honeymoon period.
It’s the excitement of meeting someone new and being with someone new. They think that’s how a relationship is supposed to be from beginning to end. It’s almost like they grade their future relationships on this scale. When the honeymoon period ends and your relationship drops down to a normal level, they’re still looking at it and thinking it should be like the honeymoon period.
It’s impossible to maintain that type of intensity and the feelings that you feel. The emotional rawness and what you experience during the honeymoon period, I imagine there are all sorts of endorphins going through your brain. It’s crazy. You just can’t sustain that level of feeling forever.
An inexperienced man may think that you can. That might be what happened to you in your situation. More on that later.
Another common reason that men can fall out of love with you has to do with cheating. I want to tell you a little story about myself with regards to this. Avid readers of my site will know that I am deeply in love with my wife. I am probably the most loyal person in relationships that you can possibly imagine. I pride myself on this. I am probably more loyal than a dog. If you were to open up a dictionary and look up the word “loyal,” my picture would be right there.
As you can imagine, cheating is the lowest thing you can do to someone in a relationship, in my opinion. There is nothing worse than infidelity in a relationship. There is nothing that hurts more than that. I love my wife so much but I don’t think I’d be able to forgive anyone in a relationship if they cheated on me.
I would definitely fall out of love if that happened to me. I am not the only man that feels this way. It’s just horrible. If anyone out there listening has ever been cheated on, I imagine they know exactly what I am talking about here.
The third reason that men could potentially lose their feelings has to do with fights and arguments in a relationship. When you’re dealing with the honeymoon period, you don’t get into arguments. You don’t get into fights. You get along better than anyone. Eventually, as the relationship wears on, it starts to wear on the people in it. Tensions can rise. Fights can occur. If you have too many of these fights, it can have a negative impact on your relationship.
My dad has been married to my mom for about 30 to 40 years. He taught me something about how you need to look at relationships. He said that every time you get into a fight with your significant other, it’s like taking money out of a bank. Every time you have a positive experience, something incredible happens or you’re happy in the relationship, it’s like putting money into the bank.
The idea here is to put more money into this bank than you’re taking out of it. What happens with men is that some men can take fighting personally. It’s like taking too much money out of the bank. You’ll have an overdraft fee, so to speak. That would be the breakup.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty here. Maria, you asked me two questions. Number one, do people fall out of love? Number two, if they do, is it a choice? Let me answer number one first. Do people fall out of love? Yes, they do. I’m not naïve enough to live in the clouds and say that they don’t. I’ve seen way too much as a result of my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
Let me put it this way. If everyone stayed in love, my website wouldn’t exist. There would be no need for it because there would be no breakups.
This brings us to the second question. Is falling out of love a choice? I’ll admit, I struggled with this. For me, it’s hard to think about. I am madly in love with my wife. For me to put myself in a position where I have to think, “Could I ever fall out of love with her?”
It’s hurtful to me. It’s hard to go through, but for the sake of this episode, I tried to do it. I tried to put myself in a position where I would think, “If I did fall out of love with her, would it be a choice?” My conclusion was, yes, it would be a choice.
Here is my thinking on that. Like I said, I struggled with this. If you’re falling out of love or if your feelings are beginning to fade then you’re going to be faced with a choice when it comes to the relationship. You can take the easy way out, just cash out and say sayonara. You can say, “Let’s break up. Let’s go our separate ways. I’ll find someone else who can make me happy.”
Or you can stay in the relationship, communicate with your partner and try to figure this out so that you get to a point where you’re both not feeling this way. That’s my conclusion on falling out of love. You may not agree with it.
This is just my opinion. I don’t really speak for humanity itself. What I think is that, most men who leave relationships and cite the reason as, “I’m falling out of love with you,” are taking the easy way out. They’re not going to stay in the relationship and work on it. They don’t want to. They just want to take the easy way out and take their business elsewhere, so to speak.
This leaves us in a very interesting position. Let’s take a look at Maria’s situation. Her boyfriend told her that he’s falling out of love with her. She said a few things during her voice call that I thought were interesting. I know I’m probably going to get fried by the women listening to this episode for what I’m about to say.
I’m going to give a little disclaimer. The mind of a man is not always a pleasant place to be. I’m going to be telling you thoughts that he could potentially have in a situation like this. They’re not nice thoughts. Do not shoot the messenger. The messenger would be me.
Let’s talk about Maria’s situation. A few things she said resonated with me. Number one, she said, “Could it perhaps be a commitment issue?” Probably. It could be a commitment issue. At 21 years old, I was not ready for a long commitment. I just wasn’t mentally there. At 21 years old, I thought I knew everything. Maria’s ex-boyfriend is 21 years old.
At the age I am now, six years later, I realize I didn’t know anything. I thought I knew it all. I don’t know anything. I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I just didn’t know what it took. Now that I’m in a lifelong commitment with my wife, I know what it takes. I know what it takes to survive. I know what it takes to make a relationship flourish. At 21 years old, trust me, I did not have what it takes. I was not emotionally mature enough. I was not financially sound. I just wasn’t able to do it. It could be a commitment issue, Maria.
But something tells me it’s not that. You also mentioned that there was an age issue. I don’t think that’s it. You’re 20 and he’s 21. That’s solid. You probably do have the same goals. At 21, I was not very emotionally ready. I would imagine that a 21 year-old kid would not be ready. It could be the age thing, but I don’t think that’s it.
You did say one thing that resonated with me. I thought it was interesting. This is where I’m going to get torched. You said, “We are both waiting until marriage.” You should be commended for that. I want to stand up and applaud you. You deserve to be applauded for that.
I’m playing devil’s advocate here. He may not be so thrilled with that. He may tell you what you want to hear. He may tell you, “Yes, I’ll wait until marriage. You’re the only one for me.” But deep down, I don’t think he wants to wait until marriage. He broke up with you because he said he’s falling out of love with you. That essentially means he made the choice to leave and take his business elsewhere.
I’m not saying he had it. Let’s not crucify him yet. I’m saying that this could be a possibility. One of the reasons he had could have been that he thought, “With her, I’ll have to wait until I marry her. I’m only 21 years old. All of my friends are not virgins anymore. I’m a virgin. I’m waiting until marriage for her. I don’t want to wait until marriage. I want to have those experiences. If it’s not with her, it will be with someone else.” It’s a pretty scary thought, that a man could potentially think that about you.
That’s probably one of the lowest things a man could do. Just because you won’t give it up, he wants to go to someone else who will. Perhaps the more hurtful part is that he wouldn’t be honest with you about it. I’m sure if you asked him point blank, he would deny it. We are talking about something that’s deep in him.
What I’m trying to describe to you are the thoughts that he won’t verbalize. I’m trying to give you insight into the mind of a man. He could be thinking that. It’s a possibility. I think I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t at least mention that this could be a possibility.
Now that we’ve talked about falling out of love and the philosophical things that go along with that, let’s give Maria a game plan to go forward. I’m assuming she wants her ex back. Let’s do what we can to help her accomplish that goal.
I spent about 30 minutes putting your game plan together today, Maria. I think it’s pretty solid. Getting an ex back is complex. It’s not an overnight process. I certainly can’t explain everything that you need to know in this one podcast episode. What I would recommend is that you comb through my site. Grab my book. Do everything you can to acquire the knowledge you need and go forward.
Here is the bird’s eye view game plan for you. I’ve divided it up into five steps. Step number one is not to compromise your beliefs. If you want to wait until marriage, don’t give in to him if he doesn’t. You have your beliefs. Stick to them. Stick to your guns. You should be applauded for that. If this is really the reason he broke up with you, that you wouldn’t give it up, you’re better off without him.
That’s my opinion. A man should love you more than just the physical aspects. He should love you for what’s inside as well as what’s outside. That physical aspect certainly has to come into play eventually, not just for him but for you as well. Making love is an incredible thing. Don’t compromise your beliefs for him. Don’t change who you are for him.
Step number two is something I like to call the Frank Sinatra effect. In Episode 3, I gave a quote from Frank Sinatra. He said, “The best revenge in life is massive success.” I want you to go forward thinking that. The best way to get him back, even though you’re not trying to get revenge, is to have massive success in your life.
Be an A in every single area of your life. There is no weak area. You are just a massive success. If you do that going forward, not only are you going to be helping yourself internally, you’ll be helping the situation with your ex as well. As I explained in Episode 3, men often gravitate towards women who have their lives together. It’s this weird phenomenon that I noticed.
Step number three is to try some jealousy tactics. When I was listening to your situation, something inside of me said, “This guy might be susceptible to some jealousy.” A good example of this would be to use a movie text. It’s an indirect jealousy method that you could use. You could say, “Hey, I went to a movie with my friend. You should go see it.”
Here is the clever part. Fifty Shades of Grey just came out. A girl would probably be taking a guy to that movie. If you’re saying to your ex, “Hey, I just saw Fifty Shades of Grey with my friend. You should go see it,” he’s going to think things like, “Wait, why did she see that movie with a guy? Why didn’t she ask me?” He might get a little jealous. Fifty Shades of Grey is a pretty raunchy movie. That in and of itself might produce some sort of jealousy or reaction from him.
Step number four is to end the conversation sooner with him. When I was listening to your message, you kept saying, “I’m so in love with him. He’s the love of my life.” That’s okay. I’m glad that you found the person you think is the love of your life. But don’t be afraid to end conversations sooner with him. Something tells me that, in your communications to him, you may not have been ending conversations soon.
If you want advice on how to end the conversation sooner, you should check out the sales page for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. On that page, I explain this thing called the Ziegarnik effect. It’s a psychological principle that you can use to help get your ex back. I would check that out. It sounds weird, but you can learn a lot of things on the sales page even if you’re not going to buy the book. Step number four is to end the conversation sooner with him on a high point.
Step number five is the final step. It’s the un-gettable girl. This is an idea that I came up with on my own. I am more than happy to claim rights to that one. Most of the ideas that I come up with are from other people that I think will work, or psychological principles like the Ziegarnik effect that I think would work.
The un-gettable girl is all from me. It’s the idea that you become this goddess that could walk into any room and sway any man. The point of it is that men are attracted to things they can’t have. I’m pretty sure that your ex-boyfriend thinks he can have you. You almost need to turn that around and make him think that he can’t have you. The jealousy tactics would work. He’ll start thinking, “Someone else can have her but I can’t have her.” He can become attracted to you that way. Self-improvement is a great way to do that.
Maybe go out on a few dates with some other guys. Maybe go on a friend date. You don’t actually have to go out on a date. It can be just a friend hanging out. Word could get around to him.
The way you conduct yourself in text messaging is important as well. All of these aspects of the un-gettable girl are things you need to work on. That could be extremely beneficial to you. I’m going to link to the massive article I wrote about the un-gettable girl in the show notes of this episode. You can find this episode on my website, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode5.
That’s the end of this episode about why men fall out of love with you, or what he means when he says he’s falling out of love with you. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. I hope you come back for tomorrow’s episode. Please subscribe to this podcast on iTunes. Leave an honest review. Anything you do will help. I will see you tomorrow. Be good.