What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)

One of the things that we never talk about on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is if your values match up with your exes.

I learned a long time ago that when you are dealing with someone who is going through a breakup they don’t necessarily care if their ex have the same values as them.

They get what I like to call “tunnel vision.”

Tunnel Vision: Not caring about anything except the goal that’s right in front of them.

But there’s a major problem with this kind of thinking.

You see, the way I look at it is that right now you are at a crossroads and you are about to make a decision that’s going to affect the next few months of your life greatly,

crossroads

Do you try to get him back?

Or

Do you try to move on?

How do you know what the right decision is for you?

Well, that was the question I posed to today’s guest Chase Kosterlitz,

chase-kosterlitz

Now, Chase is an interesting guy.

He runs a very popular podcast on iTunes called “IDo Podcast” with his wife so I thought I would have him on the show to pick his brain on breakups.

Specifically I asked him how you know when you should try to get someone back as opposed to letting them go.

His take was fascinating.

He thinks that you really need to look at your core values and see if they match.

Check it out!

Learn About The Importance Of Values During A Breakup

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • Values (obviously)
  • The NUTS Acronym
  • Being Attracted To Someone For The Wrong Reasons
  • The IMPORTANT Values
  • Chase’s Celebrity Life

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Interview Transcript

  • Alright, so today on the show we have Chase Kosterlitz. Now, did I say that right Chase? 

  • Yes. It’s not as hard as it looks. 

  • What’s the origin of the name by the way? 

  • German. It’s German.

  • Seiter, German too. So, rock on! Anyways, Chase runs a pretty successful podcast called I do podcast and he runs with his lovely wife Sarah. Who, funfact–our wives are actually the ones who connected us. And fun fact about them, they each both have the same exact maiden name, Byrne. 

  • I didn’t know that one!

  • I did because you’re wife when she emailed me, it was Byrne and I was like, Is this s a joke? But yeah, they have the same exact maiden name. 

  • They might be related!

  • We’re brothers!

  • Yeah! Hey!

  • Anyways, Chase runs a really successful podcast, I do podcast. Basically how would you describe your podcast? I mean you interview relationship experts, you learn a lot about what makes relationships tick but maybe you can do more justice that I can. 

  • Yeah, so thanks for having me on, first of all. And, yeah two years ago, Sarah, my wife was looking at some ideas we wanted to kind of do a podcast and we looked at what was out there and then we were also getting married that year. So, there wasn’t a whole lot on relationships surprisingly.

    And relationships are such a, and even now, we recognized this more. I mean then, I kind of recognized it, but it’s such an important part of our lives and then obviously, intimate relationships, marriage, dating. And so, we saw the opportunity to kind of learn before we got married, basically we thought, worst case scenario, we’ll get free advice and counseling. 

  • 1:58

  • Yeah, y’all! And then we interviewed some people and kind of took it from there. We started doing it and then next thing you know, like we have done 50 shows and it was really fun and what was really neat was to see the response and to see that we were helping people. Like I’m sure you get the emails and daily and that the people are like connecting with what you’re saying. It’s helping them in your lives and then it kind of turned into, yeah, it’s helping us still but then we want to try to bring as much value to our listeners. Yeah, it’s been a really cool journey and we’ll give you the full spill but we did like those 50 shows and then we got married, we had a baby and basically took like a year and half off from doing the show but it wasn’t really planned out. It was just kind of baby happened. 

     

  • Yeah, I certainly know what that’s like. 

  • You can relate, yeah. And so, we just started back up putting out shows in October and we’re excited to stick to it and we’ll doing a two week for the foreseaable future. 

  • Yeah, you know, one of the really big things about what appealed me to you, is the fact that you’ve interviewed so many different relationship experts. In fact, I know my wife, who often sets up the interviews for me, she actually uses your show to find interviews for people to come on to us.

    So, you, I know from me just interviewing people, I’ve learned a lot. I imagine you must have just a wealth of knowledge about relationships now, that you’ve interviewed all this people.. 

  • Yeah, yeah, you know. I’m going to blame that to your break. So, if I forget anything–

  • Ok!

  • But you do learn a lot but it’s funny. I was looking at mu notes before we talked here and it’s kind of like–in a relationship like– you can know what to do. You get all this information but unless you’re using it, you’re going to forget it kind of.

    So, for me and listening to this relationship experts that we have on our podcast, it’s great but then–especially if we got like a bunch of interviews, then you’re on to the next one.

    So, it’s really important. I know we have really got down into the nitty gritty of the podcast but just thinking here, it’s like you got to revisit these ideas and these themes. And so, recently, I’m trying to take more detailed notes and then reviewing them and then putting those things into practice in your life to really have it a part of you. 

  • Yeah, one of the big reasons we brought you on too is, women who are listening to my podcast, they’re at this crossroads so to speak, where they’re deciding whether or not, they should really try to put their full effort into trying to get their ex back or simply trying to get over their ex. And so, I wanted to bring you on because I think you’re perfect person to talk about what a healthy relationship looks like.

    So, someone can make– someone who’s at that crossroads can make an informed decision going forward on whether or not they should maybe try to get back with their ex or simply move on. So, I guess, just generally what does a healthy relationship look like? 

  • Absolutely and that’s a great question. That’s a million dollar question. I think–and again, I’m not an expert but having interviewed 80 experts, authors, therapist, psychologists, I like to look at the themes you know. And we see these themes popping up, if it’s the same thing across the board, you can sort of pick that as that’s going to be maybe a universal quality.

  • And probably important to start implementing into your relationship.

  • Exactly, and there’s a lot of different themes in communication and different part intimacy and as far as specifically if you are trying to decide if you’re going to get back with your ex, I think you need to ask yourself, you were with that person for however long. So, you know them a bit, is, “Do your values align?” Because if they don’t align, then, it’s going to be tough. Like, it’s not to say that that absolutely cannot work but and the reason I say this, is because, we ask kind of a similar question to the people we have on is, is we was, what’s the most common reason you see relationships fail? Which is basically another way, you’re like–then you’re asking the question to me and then one of the most common reasons is that they are different set of values in the relationship.

     

    And if those values aren’t aligning then you can work on it certainly through communication exercises and different things but at the end of the day, a lot of times, who we are as a person and our values can be very ingrained in us.

    So, if you’re thinking to get back with your ex and you’re like, “Man, we did not agree on so much when it came to family, and how we view family and how we view money in our values and what it means to us. This is like, values are foundation of who we are. Then you need to really consider not trying to get back with that person. So, does that makes sense?

  • Yeah, absolutely. In fact you said something that really struck me because I was actually on your show before we did this podcast. And you asked me the same question, what is the number 1 reasons you see people, what break up?

  • Or have difficulties, yeah absolutely.

     

  • And I said wavelengths. So, when people are in different wave lengths. So, it’s kind of similar to the value thing that you just said. And so, it’s interesting that our messages align but it’s interesting because I think a lot of women who are listening to this are at this crossroads, I think they’re probably thinking, looking forward, can a relationship work with this person.

    But I maybe-maybe it’s best to approach it from, “Ok, history often repeats itself.” So, how good was that relationship you had before the breakup? Now, I’m interested to get your take. What is your personal opinion on why people breakup?

  • Yeah, and that’s interesting that you mentioned wavelengths because yeah, this is another kind of way to describe value.

  • Another adjective.

  • Yeah, but it’s the same thing. Why people are breaking up? You know, they’re arguing all time time and the argument, that’s the surface level thing. That’s not why they’re having problems. You know a lot of times if they’re arguing it’s because–going back to the values, their values aren’t aligning. So, don’t forget.

  • There’s like a core problem that’s causing all sorts of arguments. It’s basically what you’re saying.

  • Right, yeah and there’s obviously a lot of different reasons but in the same way that if you’re looking to get back with that person, if your values don’t align, that’s why we’re seeing a lot of relationships fail. And you know, I’m trying to think. And other reasons that communication, and communication just breaking down and so many things.

    And when you breakdown communication, you’re arguing and then at least other stuff. A lot of times, and then I think an important thing to is to that same person that’s thinking  to whether or not to get back with her ex is they need to look within themselves. You know, because there maybe things and we talk about it on  our show, that a lot of the times the partner, we want to blame the other person. And, sometimes, it could be coming from within. Yeah, so, I think,  I don’t want to say, people are breaking up a lot of times, you know, it’s because of you.

     

     

  • Right.

  • But I think, maybe there’s that person that’s  like a serial dater and or a serial whatever like someone’s that’s always in a relationship and then it doesn’t seem to work out and look you could just be meeting the wrong people but we also put out what we want to attract and so, whatever you’re putting out there, if you’re attracting the same kind of person, then that’s kind of on you. And that’s where being introspective and understanding yourself, you’re going to say, “Oh, ok. I see what I’m doing here and try to fix it. Does that make sense?

  • Yeah, absolute it makes sense. And I think a lot of times people, they are maybe introspective, but they don’t want to face the reality that maybe they need to make some changes and you know we certainly recommend that on our website, to make positive changes in your life but one of the issues I always seem to have with my listeners and visitors is sometimes they will go after a man that they shouldn’t go after and there’s nothing I could do to tell them not to do that.

    So, I’m kind of just curious to get your take, I know, maybe you don’t have a perfect answer but what are your personal thoughts on this? Someone who’s so stuck on someone else and maybe they shouldn’t be stuck on that person, what can you do to maybe steer them away and steer them down the right path?

     

  • Yeah, that’s a good question. You know, there’s a lot of different things that could be going on there. I think, one of the things that that person can ask themselves is really like, really take a step back and ask yourself, “Why are you attracted to this person?” Is it the way they look? Is it their personality? Is it because they have a lot of money?

     

    Those are things, those are questions that you should be able to answer and is because they have a lot of money, because I like the way they look, they’re not that fun to hang out with but they drive a nice car, they’re very surface level things. Or maybe you know what, maybe the person is super fun and their super fun and energetic and you guys have a great time together but when it gets down to talking about your feeling, they just want to party or that you know. So, what I’m trying to say is, is really ask yourself, what it is you’re attracted to in this person and understand, if there’s no depth there, then that’s not going to be a long term relationship.

  • Yeah, I would say, if you’re stuck on someone for money, looks or something. You’re almost doomed to fail I would say because, really looks matter, I think at the beginning of the relationship, but eventually, no matter what we do looks will fade and they become less important as you get to be with the person.

    At least that’s been my personal experience with it. And if you can’ have those difficult conversations with a person, if you can’t maybe compromise with the person, probably not going to wind up so well.

    And maybe that even loops us back to why people break up because maybe it starts with the selection process. People 14:31 the wrong person which of course leads us back to the values thing. So, I mean it’s the circle of life Chase.

  • No, that’s a good point. Yeah, if you’re choosing wrong then you’re already behind that 14:46 because that’s why you’re breaking up because you didn’t choose right in the first place but yeah, it’s you know, It’s ok to be attracted. Look we are animals.

  • Yeah, I get what you’re saying. It’s ok to be a little shallow every once in a while.

  • Yeah, you’re going to– I mean, not shallow but you’re going to see, whether you’re a man or a woman, like that’s the first thing, is if you see someone. We have eyes and you see someone. So, naturally we are going to be attracted physically to people I think that’s a good thing. But if that’s the only thing, I think that’s the key and that’s initially in a relationship, like you said initially you’re going to see that person whether or not if you’re like, “Oh, I only care about personality.

     

    It doesn’t matter how they look.” Ok, well, you have eyes and you chose to talk to that person for a reason and unless you have been eavesdropping on him on a conversation, it was because of the physical appearance and that’s fine. If that’s the only thing, and then so, you get into a relationship and you saw a really cute guy and he was just really good looking and that’s what attracted you to him initially but then after a few dates you find that he just is not really into family and you’re a really big family person. You’re family’s very important to you, you enjoy spending time with them, you want your boyfriend, this guy to meet them and he’s just not into it. That’s a warning sign. It doesn’t mean that that’s the end there but–

  • Red flag. I’ll keep it mind going forward.

  • Yeah, and there’s that values thing. So, it’s like ok, that’s what they’re values are. Again, it doesn’t mean like, oh, put the brakes on, leave the relationship end of story but we are all writing our own story and so, if this is the fifth guy that’s happened with–then I would say, put the brakes on and get out of that. Because we only have so much time here and it shouldn’t be spent in bad relationships and in bad situations. You should be as happy as possible. So, if you’ve gone through this experiences, that’s where you need to understand yourself and you need to not even–you may not even have to go on a date with this guy. Like you may say, “Oh, I’m attracted to him.”

     

    You go up, you talk to him and you realize pretty fast–and most of us, I mean, if you’ve been dating a while–I’m happily married but just with people in general. Like you can get a pretty good read on a person. Not to say–look we’re not that shallow. People do have depth to them but if you’re going after the same guys and immediately when you first meet they’re giving those signs, careful how you proceed, don’t waste your time. To your listeners, it depends on where you are in your life too you know. If you’re just getting into dating, like, you’re gong to learn.

  • Right, you make a few mistakes in the selection process. I know I certainly did when I started dating. I think that’s pretty much a universal truth for everyone and it’s–the first time you try anything. You’re not going to be as adept at it or as good at it as you will on the 50th try.

    Not to say you should go on 50 dates, but I’m making a poor analogy here. But the kind of broad scope I’m getting from what you’re talking about is values. So, values has to be in place for a healthy relationship to exist. Well, let’s dive a little deeper on this. Can you give examples of some values that maybe are a little bit more important in the hierarchy of values.

     

  • Yeah, absolutely and I’ve kind of mentioned them a little but family, money is you know if you’re talking long term relationship–

     

  • Important to have discussions about–I can definitely attest to that myself. As I’m sure you can–we’re both married so, you don’t want to be stuck with maybe someone who’s going to you know take your paycheck and spend it. These are difficult conversations to have because it can be potentially offensive to the person but I think they have to happen so, I agree.

  • No, absolutely. I guess there are two different things you know. If we’re talking to someone that’s just getting into dating and they’re just out of college. You don’t need to lead with how are you–

     

  • Right, how much money do you make? Right

  • Yeah, like what’s your views on how money should be spent or savings and this and that but I think you would want to lead with family, just your morals, ethics, like picking up after yourself. Does the person throw litter out like–these seem like basic things but like ultimately, I’m someone that I can’t stand when people litter. That’s just how my value is in express but that may speak to my larger value of I value the environment ok?

    And if I’m dating someone that doesn’t, it’s going to clash and that’s just kind of an example that came to mind but I’ll go back to family too. It’s just, it’s super important. And I think most of your listeners, I would imagine they’re looking for a relationship with some depth right.

  • Yeah, I think also stability because they’re at a point in their life that is so unstable. They’re looking to stabilize it and often times they’re looking to stabilize it with a person maybe that made it unstable which doesn’t always work out for the best. I would admit.

    Sometimes, it certainly does. I’ve had people get married before but, I guess what you and I are trying to get to the bottom of is whether or not you should basically use the person who made your life unstable to stabilize it. It’s important to know the values and I think you brought up a really interesting point about the litter example which I didn’t know about you. So, I’ll make sure I’ll pick up all the litter!

  • Yeah, yeah, watch it!

  • But it’s important to know yourself right? That would be something if you didn’t know that about yourself, that you maybe– you kind of need to know it to compare the values. So, it’s important to know thyself.

     

  • It’s very important. We’ve had guests on that literally write it down. What are you values? What are you–we just have a guest and he used the acronym NUTS. Like what are your nuts? And it’s– I got it written down here. It’s your Non-negotiable Unalterable TermS.

    It’s just another way of saying values and what are you not willing to negotiate on? And understanding that because if you’re going in–you need to understand. Like, you said, you need to understand that for yourself because if you’re going into a relationship with your exboyfriend and you’re thinking to go back, you need to go, “What are my NUTS?”

     

     

  • [laughs] What are my NUTS?!

  • What are my non negotiable terms? What are my values and you’re probably there’s hope but if you don’t, again, maybe you don’t. And that’s where something– you can talk to them and maybe before you take that leap to go back in as you understand them for yourself, then you talk to them and you say, “Ok, this is where I stand.” I think–and one of the things we didn’t talk about is you need to understand, why it didn’t work the first time and try to understand.

     

    If you understand yourself better that’s going to help but that way you’re going in and maybe you’re leading with  them because if the main reason you broke up is because he couldn’t spend time with your family and you value family and you still want to try to work it out which not to say that that can’t happen but that’s kind of what you need lead with because that’s why you failed the first time.

     

    And you need to go back and say, “Ok, we know how this went before. This is non negotiable value of mine. Family is very important to me. I want to spend with my–” Whatever you know, however you express that with your family, what family means to you and then you go to your partner, is this something that you can work with me with, come forward with me with and support me and grow me here? And if the answer is no, then I think right there, you can say, ok, then it’s not really worth the time.

  • That’s a great exercise and I think that too, one of the big questionst that I have a very specific strategy that I teach people to eventually come to a point where they can have a conversation like this.

     

    And I get really  general with it because no one really asks me that NUTS type. What are the non negotiable values essentially but this is absolutely a conversation that you need to have before you get back into a relationship with this person because history often times, unfortanely repeats itself I guess as applied to exes.

     

    So, you definitely don’t want to get stuck in the same situation where to take your example, family’s really big. You love spending time with your family and you’re alone all the time on the holidays for example. You don’t want that. No one wants that. So, I think that’s absolutely a really, really good insight. In fact, it’s such good insight, I might add it to my over all course strategy so, thank you Chase!

  • Yeah, I like the NUTS acronym and Steve Horsman was the guest. We actually he–

  • Steve Horsman is really the big guy behind the NUTS acronym.

  • Yeah, so Steve actually, he was the guest that recommend but he got from–Steve got it from someone else. So, we’ll have to look that up, make sure we give credit where credits due right?

  • Yeah, Non negotiable–what was it?

  • Non-negotiable Unalterrable TermS  and he said that was the one for the men, know your NUTS and for the women, it was, FOP which was Female Operating Principles, same thing.

     

  • So, pretty much same thing.

  • Know your values.

  • So, we have family, we have–what was the other one? I–

  • Money

  • Family, money, what are some other ones? Let’s get dirty with this.

  • Yeah, yeah. So, the biggest one is just having a feeling of mutual respect. I mean that’s kind of like a–it’s a huge thing but I guess we are looking at the huge things because we’re talking to someone that is debating on getting back with someone. If it’s small things, then those can be worked out but this are like the huge things. So, I guess–

  • So, like maybe an example would be someone who, maybe you’re sitting on a dinner with them and a female–So, I’m a woman in this example, So, I’m sitting on a diner with my exboyfriend and he starts maybe flirting with the waitress. Hitting on the waitress. Maybe saying something mean to the waitress, maybe this is not a respectful to do to me. Is this kind of in the realm of what you’re talking about?

  • Yeah, yeah that would be one. And again, it really goes back to what are your terms? Like what is the line for you? Because that’s not–some listeners might be like, that would not work for me. That I would feel uncomfortable, I would feel disrespected. Some listeners might be like, oh, that would be kind of annoying but it really, really bother me.

    So, I think it can be an example but it’s important, it really goes back to understanding yourself and understanding what are your terms, what are your principles and that way, if that particular instance doesn’t work for you then that would be an example that yeah, that’s not going to be healthy. If that stuff doesn’t really bother you, then you can move forward but that’s the important thing is to really look within and try to understand how something like that makes you feel and if it continues to happen, how that would make you feel looking to the future in your relationship.

  • Now, I guess, I want to dive a little deeper on the NUTS acronym. The non-negotiables values, like it’s just a shorter version that I’m going to use. So, let’s pretend I’m a woman and I’m trying to determine my non-negotiables values, how insane should I go in this list? Should I list out every possible thing until I have a list of a hundred different things or is this just the most basic like you cannot live without this or live with the person with these things?

  • Yeah, that’s a good question. These aren’t–it depends on the individual. If you have a list of a hundred things that you can’t tolerate then it’s going to be hard for you to find someone.

     

  • And the reason I use that example is I saw something on–had it been years ago about this woman who was like on one of those talk shows like The View or something and she had this list of qualities that she looked for in a man. It was like 80 qualities long and every man she dated would never meet all of these qualities which is kind of what I’m getting at. Maybe don’t go overboard with the qualities that you’re listing.

  • Yeah, these non-negotiables are the big things and if like,–and that’s a good point to bring up. If you have a list of a hundred things that are the big things to you, then it is not–many times, it is not going to be the other person that’s the problem. It’s that your expectations of your partner are unrealistic because no one is perfect and so, this list is meant to be your main operating principles.

    You know like I said, I keep going back to family but like what are your ethics? And if that doesn’t match up, if your partner is toxic to you and talking down to you and demeaning, that’s an example that most people should–and they may not and that’s when it’s problem, like if you accept that, that’s not really healthy and that’s why you need to understand kind of what is acceptable. Obviously verbal and physical abuse, it’s not acceptable. Pretty much across the board, I can say that that’s a situation that you don’t want to go down that road or you don’t want to go back into.

  • No.

  • And so, it’s really, finding out those main principles that are important to you and it’s not, “Oh, he’s got take out the garbage once a week.” Those are things–love is not perfect. We love each other for our imperfections. So, you can’t–I don’t want to–it’s not –you can’t be too picky. It’s not that–I don’t mean that in you got to just settle. Don’t settle. You deserve the best but understand–

  • Realize no one’s perfect basically. Human beings are flawed in general. So, there’s not way you can have these insane expectations. These 80 quality lists and have a person meet them. Like, for example, if this woman’s list said the man had to be 6’5″, well, already she’s limiting herself to man who are 6’5″ and there’s not probably many of those around you know.

    So, I think Chase makes a good point. These have to be big non-negotiable things. I think a really good example of this would maybe be your stance on children. And coming from two–you know, your daughter is 1 year old, my daugther’s 1–

  • We’re dads! Dads yeah!

  • I’m an old man now.

  • I feel that way.

  • But yeah, you know, probably would have been– I wouldn’t have had a child who didn’t have the same type and I imagine same thing for you.

     

  • That’s a good point. I’m glad you brought that up. Children would be one and it’s funny, we talked to therapists who have who have worked with couples who are married and they have, they never discussed.

    Like it truly had a real discussion about whether or not they wanted kids and it’s sad but true that that happens and I’m glad you brought that up but that’s example of kind of a non-negotiable if that’s your non-negotiable. Some people, you may say, to your listener may say, “I really want kids but you know what, if I really like this guy or this girl, I can live without it.”

  • They’re willing to negotiate on it basically.

     

  • Exactly but if you’re in a relationship–and you don’t even have to–don’t even go into a relationship with something like that with like–again, first date, do you want to have kids or not? And then find out who that person is and if you enjoy them based on all of their other values and then you get the kids and it’s like ok, we’re kind of hitting a road block and then again, it’s knowing yourself.

    And say, everything else about that person is great but they want kids and you do. Is that something you can live with? And if it is, then fine and you’re good to go. If you want kids and they don’t and that’s it then you have to decide if that’s where it ends. It just goes back to understanding what is important to you.

  • I think that’s a great exercise. You’re essentially putting yourself in a– playing Devil’s advocate basically you’re saying. Well, if I want this and he has an opposing view, will I be able to truly be happy in life? And if you say no, then that is your non-negotiable. Something you are absolutely not even ever willing to come down on.

    And a lot of things are kind of negotiable. For most people obviously the 80 list quality example–this woman is just nuts. She had insane expectations but most people are willing to negotiate on the trash. You know missing the trash days. Most people are willing to negotiate on stuff like that. Chase is saying, this is non-negotiable.

    Like there’s no way every in your life that you will be with someone who doesn’t want kids. And some people like you said, they’re kind of split on it if it’s the right person and it can kind of go the other way too. My wife has a friend who was deadset against wanting kids ever but when she found her soon to be husband, all of a sudden she might be willing to negotiate on that. It’s one of those things.

  • Exactly and that’s a good point and that’s what I was actually getting to ready to say. Is that, your non-negotiables can change. Understand that it’s at that time that is what it is. So, you need to ask yourself that but understand that that may change for you and as you grow as a person–going back to the kids, you may decide you want to have kids.

    So, it really–it’s so hard but it’s so simple. If you can know yourself and really understand what it is that you value and what it is that you want then you will be able to go through this decisions and with the number 1 priority of making sure those things are set in your relationship.

    Not the little things like taking out the trash, that’s secondary. If you’re leading with those little things, you’re never going to be happy because you’re not ever going to find that perfect person but you do deserve to be happy on those big issues and you will actually be unhappy if you’re settling because you like them for this or that but on this big thing that’s really important to you, it’s just not working out. I really want to stress that it’s big things, your ethics, your values, your family. Don’t think, somene listening like, “Oh, we like to watch Netflix and he likes to binge watch and I don’t like to binge watch.” I’m joking but–

  • But let’s be realistic. Who doesn’t like to binge watch? I mean everyone likes to binge watch.

  • So, understand that it’s this big things.

  • Yeah I absolutely love this Chase. I think it’s really the ultimate question that women, they’re at this crossroads right now, deciding whether or not they should get back with their ex or simply move on. Well, just kind of cross reference your past relationships and do this test, the non-negotiable test that you’re talking about here.

    Did your values line up? If they didn’t, maybe it’s a sign that you need to step in that other direction and try to get over your ex. If they do, maybe it’s a sign that you need to keep going down the direction of trying to get your ex back.

    So, I think it’s really one of the most insightful things I think a lot of people–any of the visitors I’ve had on the show had said and you’re right it seems so simple but isn’t it always harder than you think. Like you get it in your head and you think, “Oh, that’s so simple.” But when it comes down to implementing it is difficult.

  • Yeah, it’s not easy and working on yourself is not easy, working on a relationship is not easy. I always if it was easy, everyone would do it and what I mean by that is, I say it a lot of times for sports.

  • Yeah, I’m going to  embarrass you. This guy, he’s  a celebrity in the paddle board world right? You can look up him and you will see him in magazines and yeah, you don’t realize how many people I had to go through to get Chase. No, I’m just kidding!

  • I was a celebrity in my own mind. In my own mind, Chris!

  • Go ahead, sorry.

  • Yeah, no, it’s fine. If it was easy, everyone would do it. I say that like we’ll go back to paddling or sports. Like it’s not easy to become better at a sport or to become the top player or whatever. And if it was, there would be a bunch of people doing it. It’s not easy to have a healthy and truly happy relationship. If it was, you wouldn’t see the high divorce rates. You wouldn’t see the couples that are together and are they truly as happy as possible and a lot of times the answer is no. We could be at a baseline but to really take that relationship and be as happy as possible and to get everything you deserve, it takes a lot of work. And if you’re looking to get back with your partner, it’s going to take a lot of work. you’re going to have to work on yourself before you’re going to have to ask this questions.

    And then when you do get back, it’s going to take even more work for a person that’s getting back with their ex and with someone that’s already in a relationship because they’ve already been through failure. So, you gotta go into it with this mindset willing to put in the work.

  • And a lot of people aren’t. I think that’s where we get–we live in this society where we expect instant results. I mean all you have to do when you have a question is pull out your phone, type, search it in Google and bam! Question’s answered.

    I remember back in the day when they didn’t have Google maps where you couldn’t plot. Like, “Ok, I don’t know where this restaurant is.” You’d have to like pull out the actual map and try to find it on–that I was the day I grew up in and now they have this phones and I was so late to getting an Iphone that when I finally got it, I was like, “Oh my, this things has a gps on it!” Like, we live in this society where we get this instant results and relationships is one thing that I think will never be easy.

    You know, it takes work to really succeed and not just succeed but like be in the best type of relationship you possible can be because it’s a constant thing that needs–almost like a plant. It needs to be watered, it needs sunlight, it needs attention and I think that’s kind of what you’re getting at here. A lot of people aren’t willing to put in the work.

  • Absolutely.

  • That’s kind of the simple fact of–unfortunately, it’s a simple fact of the life we live in but I’m getting a little to philosophical here.

  • No, no, it’s true. Nothing good comes easy and I think it is actually kind of nice because you can’t appreciate the highs without the lows. You can’t appreciate a thriving, happy, healthy relationship without going through some trials and tribulations, without having to work this things out, without–some of your listeners, without breaking up and then getting back together and willing to put in the work and now you’ve just taken it to a whole another level because you’ve been low and now you’re high. Without these highs and lows and different balances, we can’t really appreciate being so fulfilled so, I think it’s important.

  • Yeah and often times, the harder it is to obtain something, the more you appreciate it when you have it too. Analogy I always use is like, this is maybe a little nerdy of me but it’s like a video game. If someone gave you all the cheat codes to the video game, all of a sudden, it’s really easy and it’s not as fulfilling but part of the fun of a video games comes from not being able to succeed at it like right off the bat. It takes work. You have to put effort in, same type of thing with relationships. You feel a little bit more fulfilled. So, I would say, really good insight. So, Chase, where can people find you?

  • So, you can check out our podcast. My wife Sarah and I, I do podcast on Itunes and I do podcast.com online and definitely check it out and we do bi-weekly. So, two a week right now and you can find us there.

     

  • So, that’s www.idopodcast.com and it’s like I do as in marriage like you saying I do.

  • Yes, yeah, yeah.

  • Awesome! Well, it’s a blast having you on Chase. Any kind of parting words of wisdom for the listeners here?

  • Yeah, nothing too philosophical just make sure–I would say, really just look inside yourself. Really ask yourself. Write it down. What are your core values? This is a really important thing to do whether you’re trying to get back with your ex or if you’re in a relationship, even if it’s a healthy one.

    Write down your values, money, family, sex, you name it, the places you want to see. They’re non-negotiable. Before you die, where you want to go? Write that down. It’s really important to know that and you deserve to know that for yourself and to know with your partner.

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/chris-avatar.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

45 thoughts on “Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)”

  1. Anu

    January 12, 2017 at 5:18 am

    Hi,

    So I successfully got my ex bf back I have commented on here before – but like now my ex (now bf) wants to move in together and get a dog. I’m like holy shit. This is not something I want after like 3 months of getting back together. I am like not sure I want to marry this person and have children with him. I want to be excited about these things you know? After the break up and getting back together I just feel so jaded – like I’m so whatever about these things. There’s no magic IN ME. I would really appreciate if there was like an article on “self healing” cause I’m not feeling excited about my relationship – i feel sour about the last break up and yeah i think it has left me jaded.

    1. Anu

      January 12, 2017 at 5:28 am

      and like … i dont think he makes me a better person i think it’s the opposite so just putting it out there. He makes me selfish because he is selfish. His friends bitch about me but they don’t know that signing my name on this lease means his old almost dying dog gets to have a home with us so his mom can sell her house in another state cause rn she just has a house sitter there living rent free so she has someplace for the dog. I WOULD LITERALLY BE DOING HIS FAMILY A HUGE FAVOUR. No way would he get this place on his own as I earn more/ actually have a salary job and he just works casually at a burger joint. But you know they still choose to bitch about me – and how he’s only with me for the sex. They were responsible for the initial break up which lasted 5 months. I sort of want to give them all a huge middle finger by not moving in with him and screwing them all over – his friends are “family friends” with his mom too.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 13, 2017 at 12:21 pm

      Hi Anu,

      If you’re not inlove with him anymore, why are you staying with him?

  2. Jemma

    December 28, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently because of my clinginess and lack of self confidence. We’d been arguing a lot about it and I was trying to change but I struggled tbh. During the breakup I cried and pleaded but I wouldn’t say it was a very bad breakup. I accepted it and we hugged and said we loved each other and we would still be on good terms. I asked if he would consider taking me back once I sorted my issues out but he said no, never.
    I went straight into NC and on day 10 he texted cos he was annoyed that I’d deleted him from Facebook (I’d actually deactivated my account) I replied to him(!) saying I was just trying to focus on self-improvement because I regretted how I’d pushed him away. I said I missed him and loved him but he just said he’d been a little bit sad but glad he had no stress or worries any more. Fair enough.
    I’m back in NC now and I plan to text and meet up once it’s over. Do you think the signs so far are positive? When we were together we used to always talk about marriage, kids and how similar our values are. We’re both 30 years old but he’s very very stubborn and hates to revisit the past

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 30, 2016 at 8:45 am

      Hi Jemma,

      you need to restart the count and reactivated you fb because you have to be actively posting in social media too while improving yourself

  3. Suhani

    December 20, 2016 at 12:22 am

    I met this guy 6yrs ago, we have been good friends and I started developing feelings for him, but he always friend zoned me out and after some months, we both started being in friends with benefits relation.. he never committed to me but we kept on continuing our so called benefits relation from past 5yrs, he left me twice and after his relation didn’t work he came back to me. Recently 3months ago, he ended everything and reason was he met someone new in his life. I was very much in depression, I came to this site and I read about no contact rule. Yes, I didn’t wish him Birthday nor contacted him by any means.. Day 26 of NC he texted me and he said he missed me and I didn’t wished him birthday hurted him most. And he confessed me that he misses me and wants me in his life but he likes someone too. This irked me, because from past 6yrs I have been waiting for this guy and he just used me. I was in depression, I used to stay home, cried for hours.. it took me a lot of courage to block him everywhere, I focused on moving on and I changed myself into a better person.. I coloured my hair, got new look..and he tried contacting me through our mutual friends, he stalked me through fake profiles and texted me I look hot, and for moment I only told him I hate him and I wouldn’t talk to him ever, he said he missed me, he wants me back as friends with benefits only.. he can’t promise me to commit and all I m doing right now is No contact rule from week, and yesterday he texted me asking for medical advise as I’m doctor but I m on my 12th day NC so I ignored his emails. I don’t know what should I do? I really love him still.. how should I make him commit to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 21, 2016 at 11:10 am

      Hi Suhani,

      you cant force him. The only approach is to refuse being friends with benefits. We train others on how they treat us. What you keep allowing is the reflection of your standards.

  4. Gloria

    December 17, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    Hi
    First time commenting.
    So me and my bf broke up in September becoz I lied to him about something for months…so when he found out about it, he broke up with me and said he needs some time off, I begged him to rethink about his decision but he didn’t and after the breakup I would text him showing him how much he means to me and how much i love him, but he never used to respond. Sometimes he would in a positive way but it was always in a sexual way. He would call and txt to tell me that he misses me and he misses the old time where he would sleep in my arms and the times I would cook for him but mostly when he calls it was always about sex.. One time he called if he would come see me at him after work.. I said yes to him and when he came we kissed and he tried to have sex with me in two occasions after the breakup then one time after two weeks with NC he called if he would come see me I said no, two days after he called again if he would come,I said yes coz he begged. I thought maybe he might want to get back though that was before I came across this website, so when he came as always I cooked for him, prepared a hot bath for him then he eat and I asked him how things and work was going and after that he kissed me… Deep now my heart i didn’t want coz I wanted to know what his intentions were but I couldn’t resist, so we kissed for few minutes,then I asked him if I was kissing someone else’s bf, he said no and he asked me the same question but I didn’t answer. After few minutes he kissed me again and feed me chocolate he bought for me and he started mouth-feeding me the chocolate then an hour later he slept on my chest then started touching me while kissing me..trying to have sex with me. I refused at first and I was happy about it I resisted him for third time since our breakup but as the night past, he tried again and this time he managed to get without even while I was refusing and I jst went with the flow since they was nothing I would do at that time but it didn’t last long…. He was out and I was still in and I felt bad about it that I give in then he leaves me at the middle of something. When he saw that I was pissed he told him that I can’t blame him for it coz we took long kissing and cuddling and so it was on both of us.
    So after few seconds I asked him what he wants, he told me it’s complicated and his tried so hard to not come here but he couldn’t resist it coz he missed me. Then he asked me to explain again to him why I lied to him, I ddnt explain, he said we forget it since its the past and we just move forward.. Next morning we bathed together and he left for work though I showed him my desperation and later he called to check on me and that very day I went online to check on how to get your ex back and I came across this site later that day he texted but I didn’t respond to him there and then I responded to his text in the evening then after hours of not responding to him he sent me a text then he was like ” oh okay then” then I decided to reply to him. The next day he went quite and he never responded to my text and again I showed my desperation and I sent him alot of text then after that I finally decided to do the all 30 days NC rule and two days later during my NC rule he called twice and sent me text messages sayin sorry he was busy that day I sent him messages but I didn’t respond to him and then again he sent me a text complimenting on my WhatsApp profile pictures that were nice and I didn’t reply to him but since then his never called or texted.
    And now am wondering if he still thinks of me or misses me and again am at the crossroad weather I should try get him back or I should just let go.
    During our relationship, in the beginning he used to flirt alot with different girls and every time I told him about it, he would promise to stop and at some point he stop though am not 100% sure if he did…and during our relationship he never put alot of effort to make it, we never used to go out. We would always spend time at my place which somehow I had no problem with it though I missed going out. Early August, he started acting up and every time I called or texted he would be rude to me though it’s just about the bad times we had our good times which in some ways I see a positive outcome but not just sure if I should continue to try and get him back looking at all the disadvantage and less effort and communication he had put in. I love him despite everything. It’s been four months since we broke up but it’s been 20 days since I started the no contact rule. What do I really do. And Oh during this no contact rule, I have been working on my self and it feels good though other things prove to be hard to do but am getting there

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2016 at 10:57 pm

      Hi Gloria,

      It depends on your standards.. You said he didn’t really treat you the way you wanted, in short you were not that happy in the relationship? So, what are the reasons you wanted to go back? Why do you love him?

  5. Ellie

    December 11, 2016 at 11:46 pm

    Hi EBR,

    So I broke up with my bf of 2 years a week ago. He broke up with me, because he found a recent journal post I wrote on my computer, where I said I had doubts about the relationship, that I loved him, but I was worried we wouldn’t make it long term.

    He told me he looked at it and apologized for looking, not realizing what it was, and told me it was fine, that it was normal to have doubts about a relationship. He told me that I had a lot of anxiety, and that this was the result of that, and he felt I would benefit from therapy. We had a long talk, and I felt good about it after, feeling very secure in our relationship.

    Then about 3 weeks later, he told me that he couldn’t get over what he read, and that there is always a shred of truth even with anxiety, and that he felt we would be better off not dating anymore. He was very emotional, and he said several times that he wants to remain good friends and he wants to be there for me and support me, but understood if I needed some space for a while.

    He also broke up with me a year ago, when he said that he was doubting the relationship, and begged to have me back 2 weeks later after NC. He said that he usually feels secure in the decision to break up, but that he felt he made a huge mistake with me.

    I’ve been NC with him for a week now, and while I’m bummed about it, I’ve also been feeling a lot better with my detox from him. I realize that I’ll be ok without him, and am hitting the gym, eating healthier, reconnecting with family and friends, and just generally trying to improve myself. Not because I’m doing it for him, but because I want to. But now I feel like I’m at a crossroad. I’m not sure whether I want to try and get back with my ex, or if I should just leave it be.

    I just, the realationship was so great leading up to the breakup, but obviously there was some things we were avoiding talking about, because it ended. He admitted to having commitment issues, and his fear of spending so much time with someone only to have it end in heartbreak. And we’ve already broken up once, is it really smart to get back with someone a second time? I don’t want to be in an on again off again relationship.

    But I can’t help but think about all the fun times together, how well we communicated and compromised when we did talk, about how incredibley gentle and supportive he was when I was down, about how much we laughed and were each other’s best friends. We only ever fought once, and after that he changed his behaviour from that day forward. It was a good relationship, that was always improving, but we both felt “doubts” that neither of us could ascribe to any tangible thing. He said that he was feeling confused, and felt that “we might not be the ones for each other”.

    Right now I’m happy to have this space so I can think things over. It’s undeniable that we’d have some things we would need to talk about and work on before we considered getting back together, but I also want to protect my heart, and I’m worried it’s a bad idea to try again.

    Is it a good idea to try and get back with my ex when we’ve broken up twice now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 12, 2016 at 11:02 pm

      Hi Ellie,

      I think this time, you should inform him that you need space to move on but don’t tell that you’re doing no contact rule and for how long and then yes, do 30 days.

  6. Laura

    December 8, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    Hi. I already posted in another article.
    This is the main reason why my ex and I broke up, we have different values and I was the one breaking up, soon after that I have begged him and i already tod him I accept our differences since he is really worth it. I have already proved him that I can negotiate some differences because they are not big issues and I definitely want to be with him. But he said he is afraid we would be forcing the relationship. What else can I do? we are up to the point now where he does not speak to me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 8, 2016 at 10:25 pm

      HI Laura,

      Just chill for now.. restart the count of two weeks.. And be very active with your activities and posting during it, even if you’re blocked.

    2. Laura

      December 9, 2016 at 7:36 pm

      But I have deleted him from every social network.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 12, 2016 at 8:57 pm

      There’s still a chance that he will check it, so make your posts public.

    4. Laura

      December 21, 2016 at 1:49 pm

      I ran into him a few days ago, he said hi but then turn around and we did not even catch up. It is not that I wanted that, is just that I felt it was rude of him. I am now unblocked.. But should I apply the nc rule?

    5. Laura

      December 22, 2016 at 11:41 pm

      What do I do next? I am now unblocked.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 24, 2016 at 7:51 am

      if you are perceived as clingy, texting right after he unblocks shows you didnt change.. so, I think you should proceed with the 2 week no contact rule..

    7. Laura

      January 17, 2017 at 4:32 am

      I applied the 2 weeks of nc and texted him to no reply I let time pass by, around 5 days so I could text him again, only to find out I am blocked again. This seems hopeless I want to fight for him but I am blocked.

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 17, 2017 at 6:38 pm

      yup.. aftee three attempts of weeks of resting, and it failed, usually we recommend to move on

  7. Motivated

    December 5, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    Yes, it was a general break up then. No cheating or abuse..but I was the one who got clingy..and since it’s been nearly two weeks since the break up and I haven’t heard from him I’m starting to really wonder if he will reach out. Thanks Amor

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 9, 2016 at 1:25 am

      If you have been clingy, two weeks is short for him to think you have changed. So, be very active during and after the no contact rule. He has to think, the least, that you are starting to change by the time you initiated contact. He has to see that you have accepted the situation, started moving on and being independent.

  8. Elise

    December 5, 2016 at 7:15 pm

    So i’ve been having a serious issue.
    I’ve been casually dating my ex for 5 months now. He refuses to call me his girlfriend. I suggested that we sit down and have a talk, but he flat out refuses to do so. He said he doesn’t want to do it. He’s fine having sex with me but doesn’t seem too bothered about seeing me more than once every couple of weeks.
    I really don’t know what to do. I’ve fallen back in love with him and he’s doing all he can to avoid the subject of me being his girlfriend again. It’s hurting me more this time round than going through the break up before, because i’m starting to feel used. He said he’s not leading me on, but what else am i meant to think?
    Any advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 8, 2016 at 10:26 pm

      Hi Elise,

      How long has it been like that? In short, you’re his friend with benefits.

    2. Elise

      December 10, 2016 at 11:09 pm

      It’s been like that for a month now. I spoke with him over it and he said he doesn’t want to be hurt again (i broke up with him). So i simply stated that i would no longer have sex with him until he wants me as his girlfriend (I’m not going to continue to let myself be used).
      Surprisingly he agreed, and said that he wants to earn it back. That he’s willing to do what makes me happy. He was a bit grumpy at first, and tried hiding behind his work as an excuse for not dealing with it, but he was happy and caring before i left.
      I feel like this was the right thing to do, though i’m a bit unsure of what to do next :/ Should i carry on being flirty and attentive? What are the next steps?
      Thank you for all your help and advice Amor!

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 13, 2016 at 4:17 pm

      You’re welcome! That’s good. Don’t ever sleep with him if you’re not really exclusive. There’s a chance that he will try again, so refuse. Right now, focus more on your activities but whenever you talk, make it fun and be the one to end the conversations.

  9. Katie

    December 4, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    Hey so I seem to have hit a bit of a block with my ex. The breakup itself wasn’t too bad. I didn’t beg or act desperate. He said that we’d had a good relationship and that he might change his mind (but he might have just been saying that) but didn’t think we were compatible. Before the breakup I’d been acting a bit clingy but acted cool during the breakup. He wanted breakup sex but I didn’t give it to him. I did NC for 30 days and sent the first text and got a positive response. He initiated some of the conversations over the following days and we’ve built up rapport. Kind of stumbled over the attraction building stage. I think he thought I was trying to flirt with him (and I know he says he wants to be friends) so I reverse friendzoned him. We’ve had one telephone conversation for 30 mins where I started it by telling him this really funny story that happened recently. He was interested in what I was up to and we had a good laugh. Part way through he asked me why I wanted to be friends now all of a sudden. I said that I’d told him before (before NC) that I’d needed space before talking to him again. He said I sounded a lot healthier and I agreed. I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do now. I don’t know under what pretext I’d call him again and sometimes he’s a bit hot and cold with me over texting. He accused me of trying to turn him on (the time i reverse friendzoned him) but this weekend he sent me a picture of himself having just got out of the shower (face and the top part of his bare chest), ready to go out on a night out with friends. Which to me feels like he wants me to still be attracted to him as an ego boost for him. It also makes him a massive hypocrite. I didn’t call him out on it. It’s been 7 weeks since we broke up now and I’m not really sure what to do. I’ve got some work training right next to where he lives on an evening in a week and a half. I was going to mention nearer the time that I’ll be nearby and should we get a (non-alcoholic) drink from a nice pub nearby. I’m driving there so no chance of drinking around him anyway. Just not seeming to make any headway… I’m a bit lost and not sure if I still have a reasonable chance.

    1. Katie

      December 4, 2016 at 1:20 pm

      Sorry, forgot to mention that I have been working on myself in NC. I’ve been going to the gym and made a new group of friends which I go out with 1-2 times a week. I’ve also had my hair cut, got some new clothes etc. I’ve been getting attention from other men and one even asked me out. I’ve been posting stuff on fb but the last week there’s not been so much to post. I’ll be posting more this week. I always keep the conversation interesting but as he’s hot and cold sometimes it can be hard work. He’s never negative just sometimes doesn’t seem as interested in talking to me.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 10:19 am

      Hi Katie,

      yes, it would be better of you mentioned it on a nearer day.. Or ask him on the day itself..so that it’s spontaneous and he doesnt have much time to think twice..just keep texting for now.. Rest if you must..go with the flow..make your conversations light and casual and keep doing what you’re doing..

    3. Katie

      December 7, 2016 at 9:37 pm

      Thanks for the advice Amor!

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 11, 2016 at 6:07 pm

      You’re welcome!

  10. Anon

    December 4, 2016 at 2:11 am

    Hi Amor/Chris!

    I’m commenting again, need some more guidance! The last time I commented was on the Anatomy of a Breakup Part 2.

    We’ve been talking a lot since all that happened. But he is going through a lot mentally (family drama, court case) and he’s pushing me away. Every time we talked on the phone it would be for at least 2 hours. He would tell me he thought if he hadn’t moved away we would still be together today. I agreed. But…I can’t seem to move it forward to dates.

    I was getting frustrated thinking I couldn’t tell if he was pushing me away because he needed more time or if I should just give up. He had told me “Maybe you should start hating me again. Move on, there are better guys than me out there. I’m not worth your time you were a good girlfriend.”

    So I got on tinder. Just to not think about him I guess. BUT the second guy to pop up WAS HIM. I panicked and just closed the app, didn’t swipe. And when I opened it again, I kept swiping no to guys and my ex came up again. I just closed the app. It’s been 2 days and he’s never popped up again! I asked my guy friends who use the same app. They told me you can’t block people on it and they think he deleted his profile. My girlfriend who uses it too says she used to see him on it but hasn’t seen him since I got on that day.

    The next day I checked his Facebook (were not friends, I just couldn’t help checking) he made a bunch of public posts about being heartbroken and “to kill yourself without dying, watch the one you love get sick of you and walk away” etc.

    That seems like it was about me…but he hasn’t texted or called. Should I reach out? We actually haven’t spoken for 2 weeks after he said I would be better off without him.

    Thank you so much!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 10:28 pm

      Yeah, actually I think that was meant for you..but you know if he thinks that way, it means he misses you..he just needs to see you’re separate from his problems.. The only thing you can do is to not get affected.. Let him rant, let him complain but stay..

    2. Anon

      December 5, 2016 at 3:13 pm

      Oh good! I just felt like maybe it was getting a little hopeless, but when we talk it seems like he misses me. Those posts seemed obvious but I didn’t want to be cocky!

      Okay I’ll continue to try to communicate with him. I’d love to be there for him like we used to be, he’s just having such a hard time, I don’t think he’s letting anyone in.

      Also…I was worried he might be angry with me for being on that dating app. How could I approach that if he brings it up? I mean…he was on it too! And clearly deleted it and didn’t want me to know he was on it. But knowing him he’d still be upset with me. Please don’t think I’m crazy, but I did take a screen shot of his profile so he couldn’t lie about being on it.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 4:37 pm

      Of course you’re not crazy… haha! Well, you have to face that. He’ll probably confront you about it. Just answer calmly, tell the truth. Like, yes, I did try it out of frustration with you.. but it’s just that.. I didn’t date anybody.

    4. Anon

      December 7, 2016 at 2:53 pm

      Okay so I called him a couple days ago. After we both said hi, how are you, good etc, he was acting weird. I said hey are you okay? And he blew up saying he has a lot of stuff going on that’s hard on him and he doesn’t need to be reminded of how sh*tty he is and how he’s a bad father. I hadn’t said anything but are you okay!! I just said I have never said anything like that about you I hope you feel better soon and hung up.

      I know he’s angry. But he has no rational reason to be angry at me. I don’t know if I should give him a couple days to cool off before I try again. Maybe he’s mad at me for being on that dating app.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 10, 2016 at 8:18 pm

      let’s say he got angry just because of the question, then just give him a week or two.. are you actively improving yourself now?

    6. Anon

      December 19, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      I waited several days and tried to call him the night before last. He was super irritated and asked why I would be calling. I said I wanted to talk to him and he started yelling and saying he doesn’t care what I have to say, he doesn’t trust me anymore, I can do whatever I want because he is done.

      He was SO ANGRY. I don’t know what to do…I was so upset that night I think I commented on another article. But I was a little all over the place.

      I don’t want to give up. But it doesn’t look good at this point. I don’t understand how it was going so well before to lose everything again.

    7. Anon

      December 21, 2016 at 3:25 am

      Ugh! So I gave him a little time and tried again. I thought I commented about it but maybe I didn’t submit it. He is REALLY angry still. Saying he never wants to talk to me again and maybe he will move away again so I can’t hurt him anymore. He is the one who left his girlfriend and kid but whatever yeah he thinks I hurt him.

      I don’t know what to do at this point. We were progressing really well and now it feels like I’ve taken a million steps back.

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 21, 2016 at 11:24 am

      that means you really have to back off now.. either do nc for a long time or move on

    9. Anon

      December 22, 2016 at 4:04 am

      I guess I don’t really have a choice!! It hurts a lot but I think I got really focused on getting him back and stopped focusing on myself like I was doing when I started no contact. Maybe that showed through.

      I’m going to back off and do NC again. Hopefully by the end he will have either calmed down or I will move on

  11. Motivated

    December 3, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Hey Chris/Amor:

    Just a question, it’s quite a broad one. I know how long NC is, but in most cases around what time frame is most common for the ex to pop up and communicate? After a week, two weeks? It’s been about 10 days for me and still nothing. However I’m coping pretty well, and improving myself so I try not to dwell on it too much. Just I was hoping there would be some form of regret on his side by now.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 2:37 pm

      Hi Motivated,

      if it was just a general break up, commonly after 2 or 3 weeks

    2. Motivated

      December 4, 2016 at 7:31 pm

      Thanks Amor,
      What do you mean exactly by general break up?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2016 at 12:00 pm

      general break up means not on and off, no cheating, no abuse.. most of the time it’s the ones that got boring, or had too many fights, or one of the couple got clingy..

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