Will Text Messages Work To Get Your Ex Back?

Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)

One of the things that we never talk about on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is if your values match up with your exes.

I learned a long time ago that when you are dealing with someone who is going through a breakup they don’t necessarily care if their ex have the same values as them.

They get what I like to call “tunnel vision.”

Tunnel Vision: Not caring about anything except the goal that’s right in front of them.

But there’s a major problem with this kind of thinking.

You see, the way I look at it is that right now you are at a crossroads and you are about to make a decision that’s going to affect the next few months of your life greatly,

crossroads

Do you try to get him back?

Or

Do you try to move on?

How do you know what the right decision is for you?

Well, that was the question I posed to today’s guest Chase Kosterlitz,

chase-kosterlitz

Now, Chase is an interesting guy.

He runs a very popular podcast on iTunes called “IDo Podcast” with his wife so I thought I would have him on the show to pick his brain on breakups.

Specifically I asked him how you know when you should try to get someone back as opposed to letting them go.

His take was fascinating.

He thinks that you really need to look at your core values and see if they match.

Check it out!

Learn About The Importance Of Values During A Breakup

What We Talk About In This Episode

  • Values (obviously)
  • The NUTS Acronym
  • Being Attracted To Someone For The Wrong Reasons
  • The IMPORTANT Values
  • Chase’s Celebrity Life

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/chris-avatar.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

45 responses to “Do You Have The Same Values As Your Ex? (With Chase Kosterlitz)”

  1. Anu says:

    Hi,

    So I successfully got my ex bf back I have commented on here before – but like now my ex (now bf) wants to move in together and get a dog. I’m like holy shit. This is not something I want after like 3 months of getting back together. I am like not sure I want to marry this person and have children with him. I want to be excited about these things you know? After the break up and getting back together I just feel so jaded – like I’m so whatever about these things. There’s no magic IN ME. I would really appreciate if there was like an article on “self healing” cause I’m not feeling excited about my relationship – i feel sour about the last break up and yeah i think it has left me jaded.

    • Anu says:

      and like … i dont think he makes me a better person i think it’s the opposite so just putting it out there. He makes me selfish because he is selfish. His friends bitch about me but they don’t know that signing my name on this lease means his old almost dying dog gets to have a home with us so his mom can sell her house in another state cause rn she just has a house sitter there living rent free so she has someplace for the dog. I WOULD LITERALLY BE DOING HIS FAMILY A HUGE FAVOUR. No way would he get this place on his own as I earn more/ actually have a salary job and he just works casually at a burger joint. But you know they still choose to bitch about me – and how he’s only with me for the sex. They were responsible for the initial break up which lasted 5 months. I sort of want to give them all a huge middle finger by not moving in with him and screwing them all over – his friends are “family friends” with his mom too.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Anu,

      If you’re not inlove with him anymore, why are you staying with him?

  2. Jemma says:

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of a year broke up with me recently because of my clinginess and lack of self confidence. We’d been arguing a lot about it and I was trying to change but I struggled tbh. During the breakup I cried and pleaded but I wouldn’t say it was a very bad breakup. I accepted it and we hugged and said we loved each other and we would still be on good terms. I asked if he would consider taking me back once I sorted my issues out but he said no, never.
    I went straight into NC and on day 10 he texted cos he was annoyed that I’d deleted him from Facebook (I’d actually deactivated my account) I replied to him(!) saying I was just trying to focus on self-improvement because I regretted how I’d pushed him away. I said I missed him and loved him but he just said he’d been a little bit sad but glad he had no stress or worries any more. Fair enough.
    I’m back in NC now and I plan to text and meet up once it’s over. Do you think the signs so far are positive? When we were together we used to always talk about marriage, kids and how similar our values are. We’re both 30 years old but he’s very very stubborn and hates to revisit the past

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Jemma,

      you need to restart the count and reactivated you fb because you have to be actively posting in social media too while improving yourself

  3. Suhani says:

    I met this guy 6yrs ago, we have been good friends and I started developing feelings for him, but he always friend zoned me out and after some months, we both started being in friends with benefits relation.. he never committed to me but we kept on continuing our so called benefits relation from past 5yrs, he left me twice and after his relation didn’t work he came back to me. Recently 3months ago, he ended everything and reason was he met someone new in his life. I was very much in depression, I came to this site and I read about no contact rule. Yes, I didn’t wish him Birthday nor contacted him by any means.. Day 26 of NC he texted me and he said he missed me and I didn’t wished him birthday hurted him most. And he confessed me that he misses me and wants me in his life but he likes someone too. This irked me, because from past 6yrs I have been waiting for this guy and he just used me. I was in depression, I used to stay home, cried for hours.. it took me a lot of courage to block him everywhere, I focused on moving on and I changed myself into a better person.. I coloured my hair, got new look..and he tried contacting me through our mutual friends, he stalked me through fake profiles and texted me I look hot, and for moment I only told him I hate him and I wouldn’t talk to him ever, he said he missed me, he wants me back as friends with benefits only.. he can’t promise me to commit and all I m doing right now is No contact rule from week, and yesterday he texted me asking for medical advise as I’m doctor but I m on my 12th day NC so I ignored his emails. I don’t know what should I do? I really love him still.. how should I make him commit to me?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Suhani,

      you cant force him. The only approach is to refuse being friends with benefits. We train others on how they treat us. What you keep allowing is the reflection of your standards.

  4. Gloria says:

    Hi
    First time commenting.
    So me and my bf broke up in September becoz I lied to him about something for months…so when he found out about it, he broke up with me and said he needs some time off, I begged him to rethink about his decision but he didn’t and after the breakup I would text him showing him how much he means to me and how much i love him, but he never used to respond. Sometimes he would in a positive way but it was always in a sexual way. He would call and txt to tell me that he misses me and he misses the old time where he would sleep in my arms and the times I would cook for him but mostly when he calls it was always about sex.. One time he called if he would come see me at him after work.. I said yes to him and when he came we kissed and he tried to have sex with me in two occasions after the breakup then one time after two weeks with NC he called if he would come see me I said no, two days after he called again if he would come,I said yes coz he begged. I thought maybe he might want to get back though that was before I came across this website, so when he came as always I cooked for him, prepared a hot bath for him then he eat and I asked him how things and work was going and after that he kissed me… Deep now my heart i didn’t want coz I wanted to know what his intentions were but I couldn’t resist, so we kissed for few minutes,then I asked him if I was kissing someone else’s bf, he said no and he asked me the same question but I didn’t answer. After few minutes he kissed me again and feed me chocolate he bought for me and he started mouth-feeding me the chocolate then an hour later he slept on my chest then started touching me while kissing me..trying to have sex with me. I refused at first and I was happy about it I resisted him for third time since our breakup but as the night past, he tried again and this time he managed to get without even while I was refusing and I jst went with the flow since they was nothing I would do at that time but it didn’t last long…. He was out and I was still in and I felt bad about it that I give in then he leaves me at the middle of something. When he saw that I was pissed he told him that I can’t blame him for it coz we took long kissing and cuddling and so it was on both of us.
    So after few seconds I asked him what he wants, he told me it’s complicated and his tried so hard to not come here but he couldn’t resist it coz he missed me. Then he asked me to explain again to him why I lied to him, I ddnt explain, he said we forget it since its the past and we just move forward.. Next morning we bathed together and he left for work though I showed him my desperation and later he called to check on me and that very day I went online to check on how to get your ex back and I came across this site later that day he texted but I didn’t respond to him there and then I responded to his text in the evening then after hours of not responding to him he sent me a text then he was like ” oh okay then” then I decided to reply to him. The next day he went quite and he never responded to my text and again I showed my desperation and I sent him alot of text then after that I finally decided to do the all 30 days NC rule and two days later during my NC rule he called twice and sent me text messages sayin sorry he was busy that day I sent him messages but I didn’t respond to him and then again he sent me a text complimenting on my WhatsApp profile pictures that were nice and I didn’t reply to him but since then his never called or texted.
    And now am wondering if he still thinks of me or misses me and again am at the crossroad weather I should try get him back or I should just let go.
    During our relationship, in the beginning he used to flirt alot with different girls and every time I told him about it, he would promise to stop and at some point he stop though am not 100% sure if he did…and during our relationship he never put alot of effort to make it, we never used to go out. We would always spend time at my place which somehow I had no problem with it though I missed going out. Early August, he started acting up and every time I called or texted he would be rude to me though it’s just about the bad times we had our good times which in some ways I see a positive outcome but not just sure if I should continue to try and get him back looking at all the disadvantage and less effort and communication he had put in. I love him despite everything. It’s been four months since we broke up but it’s been 20 days since I started the no contact rule. What do I really do. And Oh during this no contact rule, I have been working on my self and it feels good though other things prove to be hard to do but am getting there

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Gloria,

      It depends on your standards.. You said he didn’t really treat you the way you wanted, in short you were not that happy in the relationship? So, what are the reasons you wanted to go back? Why do you love him?

  5. Ellie says:

    Hi EBR,

    So I broke up with my bf of 2 years a week ago. He broke up with me, because he found a recent journal post I wrote on my computer, where I said I had doubts about the relationship, that I loved him, but I was worried we wouldn’t make it long term.

    He told me he looked at it and apologized for looking, not realizing what it was, and told me it was fine, that it was normal to have doubts about a relationship. He told me that I had a lot of anxiety, and that this was the result of that, and he felt I would benefit from therapy. We had a long talk, and I felt good about it after, feeling very secure in our relationship.

    Then about 3 weeks later, he told me that he couldn’t get over what he read, and that there is always a shred of truth even with anxiety, and that he felt we would be better off not dating anymore. He was very emotional, and he said several times that he wants to remain good friends and he wants to be there for me and support me, but understood if I needed some space for a while.

    He also broke up with me a year ago, when he said that he was doubting the relationship, and begged to have me back 2 weeks later after NC. He said that he usually feels secure in the decision to break up, but that he felt he made a huge mistake with me.

    I’ve been NC with him for a week now, and while I’m bummed about it, I’ve also been feeling a lot better with my detox from him. I realize that I’ll be ok without him, and am hitting the gym, eating healthier, reconnecting with family and friends, and just generally trying to improve myself. Not because I’m doing it for him, but because I want to. But now I feel like I’m at a crossroad. I’m not sure whether I want to try and get back with my ex, or if I should just leave it be.

    I just, the realationship was so great leading up to the breakup, but obviously there was some things we were avoiding talking about, because it ended. He admitted to having commitment issues, and his fear of spending so much time with someone only to have it end in heartbreak. And we’ve already broken up once, is it really smart to get back with someone a second time? I don’t want to be in an on again off again relationship.

    But I can’t help but think about all the fun times together, how well we communicated and compromised when we did talk, about how incredibley gentle and supportive he was when I was down, about how much we laughed and were each other’s best friends. We only ever fought once, and after that he changed his behaviour from that day forward. It was a good relationship, that was always improving, but we both felt “doubts” that neither of us could ascribe to any tangible thing. He said that he was feeling confused, and felt that “we might not be the ones for each other”.

    Right now I’m happy to have this space so I can think things over. It’s undeniable that we’d have some things we would need to talk about and work on before we considered getting back together, but I also want to protect my heart, and I’m worried it’s a bad idea to try again.

    Is it a good idea to try and get back with my ex when we’ve broken up twice now?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Ellie,

      I think this time, you should inform him that you need space to move on but don’t tell that you’re doing no contact rule and for how long and then yes, do 30 days.

  6. Laura says:

    Hi. I already posted in another article.
    This is the main reason why my ex and I broke up, we have different values and I was the one breaking up, soon after that I have begged him and i already tod him I accept our differences since he is really worth it. I have already proved him that I can negotiate some differences because they are not big issues and I definitely want to be with him. But he said he is afraid we would be forcing the relationship. What else can I do? we are up to the point now where he does not speak to me.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      HI Laura,

      Just chill for now.. restart the count of two weeks.. And be very active with your activities and posting during it, even if you’re blocked.

    • Laura says:

      But I have deleted him from every social network.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      There’s still a chance that he will check it, so make your posts public.

    • Laura says:

      I ran into him a few days ago, he said hi but then turn around and we did not even catch up. It is not that I wanted that, is just that I felt it was rude of him. I am now unblocked.. But should I apply the nc rule?

    • Laura says:

      What do I do next? I am now unblocked.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      if you are perceived as clingy, texting right after he unblocks shows you didnt change.. so, I think you should proceed with the 2 week no contact rule..

    • Laura says:

      I applied the 2 weeks of nc and texted him to no reply I let time pass by, around 5 days so I could text him again, only to find out I am blocked again. This seems hopeless I want to fight for him but I am blocked.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      yup.. aftee three attempts of weeks of resting, and it failed, usually we recommend to move on

  7. Motivated says:

    Yes, it was a general break up then. No cheating or abuse..but I was the one who got clingy..and since it’s been nearly two weeks since the break up and I haven’t heard from him I’m starting to really wonder if he will reach out. Thanks Amor

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      If you have been clingy, two weeks is short for him to think you have changed. So, be very active during and after the no contact rule. He has to think, the least, that you are starting to change by the time you initiated contact. He has to see that you have accepted the situation, started moving on and being independent.

  8. Elise says:

    So i’ve been having a serious issue.
    I’ve been casually dating my ex for 5 months now. He refuses to call me his girlfriend. I suggested that we sit down and have a talk, but he flat out refuses to do so. He said he doesn’t want to do it. He’s fine having sex with me but doesn’t seem too bothered about seeing me more than once every couple of weeks.
    I really don’t know what to do. I’ve fallen back in love with him and he’s doing all he can to avoid the subject of me being his girlfriend again. It’s hurting me more this time round than going through the break up before, because i’m starting to feel used. He said he’s not leading me on, but what else am i meant to think?
    Any advice?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Elise,

      How long has it been like that? In short, you’re his friend with benefits.

    • Elise says:

      It’s been like that for a month now. I spoke with him over it and he said he doesn’t want to be hurt again (i broke up with him). So i simply stated that i would no longer have sex with him until he wants me as his girlfriend (I’m not going to continue to let myself be used).
      Surprisingly he agreed, and said that he wants to earn it back. That he’s willing to do what makes me happy. He was a bit grumpy at first, and tried hiding behind his work as an excuse for not dealing with it, but he was happy and caring before i left.
      I feel like this was the right thing to do, though i’m a bit unsure of what to do next :/ Should i carry on being flirty and attentive? What are the next steps?
      Thank you for all your help and advice Amor!

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      You’re welcome! That’s good. Don’t ever sleep with him if you’re not really exclusive. There’s a chance that he will try again, so refuse. Right now, focus more on your activities but whenever you talk, make it fun and be the one to end the conversations.

  9. Katie says:

    Hey so I seem to have hit a bit of a block with my ex. The breakup itself wasn’t too bad. I didn’t beg or act desperate. He said that we’d had a good relationship and that he might change his mind (but he might have just been saying that) but didn’t think we were compatible. Before the breakup I’d been acting a bit clingy but acted cool during the breakup. He wanted breakup sex but I didn’t give it to him. I did NC for 30 days and sent the first text and got a positive response. He initiated some of the conversations over the following days and we’ve built up rapport. Kind of stumbled over the attraction building stage. I think he thought I was trying to flirt with him (and I know he says he wants to be friends) so I reverse friendzoned him. We’ve had one telephone conversation for 30 mins where I started it by telling him this really funny story that happened recently. He was interested in what I was up to and we had a good laugh. Part way through he asked me why I wanted to be friends now all of a sudden. I said that I’d told him before (before NC) that I’d needed space before talking to him again. He said I sounded a lot healthier and I agreed. I’m at a bit of a loss at what to do now. I don’t know under what pretext I’d call him again and sometimes he’s a bit hot and cold with me over texting. He accused me of trying to turn him on (the time i reverse friendzoned him) but this weekend he sent me a picture of himself having just got out of the shower (face and the top part of his bare chest), ready to go out on a night out with friends. Which to me feels like he wants me to still be attracted to him as an ego boost for him. It also makes him a massive hypocrite. I didn’t call him out on it. It’s been 7 weeks since we broke up now and I’m not really sure what to do. I’ve got some work training right next to where he lives on an evening in a week and a half. I was going to mention nearer the time that I’ll be nearby and should we get a (non-alcoholic) drink from a nice pub nearby. I’m driving there so no chance of drinking around him anyway. Just not seeming to make any headway… I’m a bit lost and not sure if I still have a reasonable chance.

    • Katie says:

      Sorry, forgot to mention that I have been working on myself in NC. I’ve been going to the gym and made a new group of friends which I go out with 1-2 times a week. I’ve also had my hair cut, got some new clothes etc. I’ve been getting attention from other men and one even asked me out. I’ve been posting stuff on fb but the last week there’s not been so much to post. I’ll be posting more this week. I always keep the conversation interesting but as he’s hot and cold sometimes it can be hard work. He’s never negative just sometimes doesn’t seem as interested in talking to me.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Katie,

      yes, it would be better of you mentioned it on a nearer day.. Or ask him on the day itself..so that it’s spontaneous and he doesnt have much time to think twice..just keep texting for now.. Rest if you must..go with the flow..make your conversations light and casual and keep doing what you’re doing..

    • Katie says:

      Thanks for the advice Amor!

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      You’re welcome!

  10. Anon says:

    Hi Amor/Chris!

    I’m commenting again, need some more guidance! The last time I commented was on the Anatomy of a Breakup Part 2.

    We’ve been talking a lot since all that happened. But he is going through a lot mentally (family drama, court case) and he’s pushing me away. Every time we talked on the phone it would be for at least 2 hours. He would tell me he thought if he hadn’t moved away we would still be together today. I agreed. But…I can’t seem to move it forward to dates.

    I was getting frustrated thinking I couldn’t tell if he was pushing me away because he needed more time or if I should just give up. He had told me “Maybe you should start hating me again. Move on, there are better guys than me out there. I’m not worth your time you were a good girlfriend.”

    So I got on tinder. Just to not think about him I guess. BUT the second guy to pop up WAS HIM. I panicked and just closed the app, didn’t swipe. And when I opened it again, I kept swiping no to guys and my ex came up again. I just closed the app. It’s been 2 days and he’s never popped up again! I asked my guy friends who use the same app. They told me you can’t block people on it and they think he deleted his profile. My girlfriend who uses it too says she used to see him on it but hasn’t seen him since I got on that day.

    The next day I checked his Facebook (were not friends, I just couldn’t help checking) he made a bunch of public posts about being heartbroken and “to kill yourself without dying, watch the one you love get sick of you and walk away” etc.

    That seems like it was about me…but he hasn’t texted or called. Should I reach out? We actually haven’t spoken for 2 weeks after he said I would be better off without him.

    Thank you so much!!

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Yeah, actually I think that was meant for you..but you know if he thinks that way, it means he misses you..he just needs to see you’re separate from his problems.. The only thing you can do is to not get affected.. Let him rant, let him complain but stay..

    • Anon says:

      Oh good! I just felt like maybe it was getting a little hopeless, but when we talk it seems like he misses me. Those posts seemed obvious but I didn’t want to be cocky!

      Okay I’ll continue to try to communicate with him. I’d love to be there for him like we used to be, he’s just having such a hard time, I don’t think he’s letting anyone in.

      Also…I was worried he might be angry with me for being on that dating app. How could I approach that if he brings it up? I mean…he was on it too! And clearly deleted it and didn’t want me to know he was on it. But knowing him he’d still be upset with me. Please don’t think I’m crazy, but I did take a screen shot of his profile so he couldn’t lie about being on it.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Of course you’re not crazy… haha! Well, you have to face that. He’ll probably confront you about it. Just answer calmly, tell the truth. Like, yes, I did try it out of frustration with you.. but it’s just that.. I didn’t date anybody.

    • Anon says:

      Okay so I called him a couple days ago. After we both said hi, how are you, good etc, he was acting weird. I said hey are you okay? And he blew up saying he has a lot of stuff going on that’s hard on him and he doesn’t need to be reminded of how sh*tty he is and how he’s a bad father. I hadn’t said anything but are you okay!! I just said I have never said anything like that about you I hope you feel better soon and hung up.

      I know he’s angry. But he has no rational reason to be angry at me. I don’t know if I should give him a couple days to cool off before I try again. Maybe he’s mad at me for being on that dating app.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      let’s say he got angry just because of the question, then just give him a week or two.. are you actively improving yourself now?

    • Anon says:

      I waited several days and tried to call him the night before last. He was super irritated and asked why I would be calling. I said I wanted to talk to him and he started yelling and saying he doesn’t care what I have to say, he doesn’t trust me anymore, I can do whatever I want because he is done.

      He was SO ANGRY. I don’t know what to do…I was so upset that night I think I commented on another article. But I was a little all over the place.

      I don’t want to give up. But it doesn’t look good at this point. I don’t understand how it was going so well before to lose everything again.

    • Anon says:

      Ugh! So I gave him a little time and tried again. I thought I commented about it but maybe I didn’t submit it. He is REALLY angry still. Saying he never wants to talk to me again and maybe he will move away again so I can’t hurt him anymore. He is the one who left his girlfriend and kid but whatever yeah he thinks I hurt him.

      I don’t know what to do at this point. We were progressing really well and now it feels like I’ve taken a million steps back.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      that means you really have to back off now.. either do nc for a long time or move on

    • Anon says:

      I guess I don’t really have a choice!! It hurts a lot but I think I got really focused on getting him back and stopped focusing on myself like I was doing when I started no contact. Maybe that showed through.

      I’m going to back off and do NC again. Hopefully by the end he will have either calmed down or I will move on

  11. Motivated says:

    Hey Chris/Amor:

    Just a question, it’s quite a broad one. I know how long NC is, but in most cases around what time frame is most common for the ex to pop up and communicate? After a week, two weeks? It’s been about 10 days for me and still nothing. However I’m coping pretty well, and improving myself so I try not to dwell on it too much. Just I was hoping there would be some form of regret on his side by now.

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      Hi Motivated,

      if it was just a general break up, commonly after 2 or 3 weeks

    • Motivated says:

      Thanks Amor,
      What do you mean exactly by general break up?

    • EBR Team Member: Amor says:

      general break up means not on and off, no cheating, no abuse.. most of the time it’s the ones that got boring, or had too many fights, or one of the couple got clingy..

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