By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 21st, 2021

Today I’m going to show you exactly how to decode mixed signals you may be getting from your ex.

In fact:

All of the “mixed signals” I’m going to be talking about today is coming directly from our clients exes and our findings based on them.

Let’s dive in.

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Why Is My Ex Sending Mixed Signals?

Your ex might be sending you mixed signals because they are experiencing confusion about how to handle the breakup. They aren’t sure exactly how they are feeling yet and want to keep their romantic options with you open in case they decide they want to come back.

The challenging part about all of this is that mixed signals come in many shapes and forms.

Today we are going to highlight some of the most common mixed signals exes will send your way and hopefully shed some light into what’s going through their head.

You’re going to learn,

  • Why your ex is hot and cold
  • Why they are angry with you (when they were the ones who actually broke up with you)
  • Why they say they care but don’t want to commit
  • Why some exes are caught in an on again/off again loop
  • If your ex is playing mind games with you
  • Why they ghosted you for months and then suddenly flirt with you
  • Why they may want to meet up after they broke up with you
  • They say they want to be friends but treat me like a romantic partner
  • Things seemed to be going so well and then they suddenly stopped talking to me
  • Why your ex tells you they aren’t ready for a relationship only to move on to someone else
  • How to tell if your ex is pretending to be over you

Let’s begin!

Why Is My Ex Hot And Cold?

Let’s start first by defining what “hot” and “cold” behavior actually looks like.

Generally speaking “hot” behavior is when your ex does something nice that makes you believe that they want you back.

Some of the most common examples that we’ve come across include:

  • Texting you that they love you
  • Texting you that they miss you
  • Setting up a date to see you in person
  • Flirting with you in a way that makes you think they are going to come back

Of course they don’t come back. They are nice to you at first and then they do something mean that makes you think they don’t want you at all.

Some of our clients in the private Facebook support group (which you can gain access to through our products) have lovingly referred to this concept as rubber banding.

So, what’s going on here?

Why is your ex giving you these complicated mixed signals?

Simply put, they are experiencing the pendulum swing of emotions that go in tandem with a breakup.

I highly recommend you watch this interview I did with our Head Coach, Anna Gonowon.

In it we talk a lot about this concept of nostalgic reverie and why your ex is basically hardwired to care about you.

Nostalgic Reverie is basically a more complicated way of talking about this Disneyesque version of a powerful moment in your relationship with your ex.

What tends to happen during those “hot” moments with your ex is that they are trapped in a bout of strong nostalgia and often communicating with you in this positive way because of it.

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However, after a day or two goes by and that nostalgia wears off they aren’t looking at that powerful memory or moment in the same way and the allure kind of wears off.

They look at the nostalgia as a lie.

Hence, them being mean or “cold.”

Now, don’t let this discourage you because we have found it’s incredibly normal for them to have these bouts of nostalgia/false nostalgia.

The fact that they are having this internal war is almost always a good thing from the perspective that they care about you.

Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

Why Are They Angry With Me When They Broke Up With Me?

Perhaps the biggest advantage Ex Boyfriend Recovery has over its competitors is me!

Ok, that sounded incredibly arrogant but hear me out.

Not to toot my own horn but one of my biggest strengths is that I can serve as this pseudo bridge to help you understand the paradoxes your ex will put forth.

Having your ex be angry at you when they broke up with you is at the height of those paradoxes.

What the heck is going on here.

Well, once again I’m going to recommend you check out this amazing interview Coach Anna and I did on anger because ultimately that’s what we are studying here with this mixed signal.

So, the interview is basically over an hour and we cover all kinds of amazing things relating to exes getting mad or angry at you.

But perhaps the biggest “a ha” moment came when we discussed the source of all aggressive behavior.

As strange as it sounds there’s almost this addictive quality to anger.

This seductive power.

Take a situation where your ex says,

“You’re stupid”

Hurtful, right?

But what they are really implying is that,

“They are smart while you are stupid.”

Their anger allows them to take control of a situation which is personally validating for them.

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Ultimately, by being angry it allows them to feel good about themselves.

Essentially it’s a convoluted coping mechanism.

And if you operate with this knowledge your ex being angry at you for a breakup that they initiated begins to makes sense.

Rather than owning the fact that the breakup hurts more than they expected it to they decide to cope with the pain by blaming the source of the pain, you.

My Ex Says They Care But Won’t Commit?

So, your ex told you that they miss you.

They told you they love you.

They told you that they still care about you deeply but that commitment never seems to come.

Worse, when you push them on it they crawl into their shell and avoid you altogether.

What the heck is going on here?

I’ve been no stranger to the notion that most of the exes we encounter here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery have avoidant tendencies.

In fact, a recent poll in our private Facebook group proved just that with over 80% of participants admitting their exes were either avoidant or fearful.

The thing that is often lost on people when they first start learning about attachment styles is how avoidant people tend to operate.

What they value more than anything is their independence.

And I think there is a key to understanding this particular mixed signal in that independence.

An avoidant will often crave intimacy but the paradox occurs when that when they get too much of it they run citing an attack on their independence.

What we know about our average client is that they tend to have anxious tendencies which is essentially the polar opposite of an ex with avoidant tendencies.

The two don’t play well together with the anxious person often craving intimacy too much and the avoidant person craving independence.

So why then is an avoidant saying,

“I miss you…”
“I care about you..”

And seeming to contradict that statement by keeping you at arms length.

For that we need to pull from what we know about the timing of when this mixed signal occurs.

Remember above when I said that a common misconception is that avoidant people do crave intimacy but often their own need for independence outshines that craving for intimacy?

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It essentially becomes the self fulfilling prophecy where the avoidant will,

  • Crave intimacy
  • Get too much intimacy from their partner
  • Feel their independence is threatened
  • Push their partner away
  • Then feel bad about themselves and wonder whey they can’t ever find anyone.
  • Then start the process over again

Getting stuck in this victim circle basically explains why they are saying they care about you but never committing.

The moment they are craving intimacy tends to be when they contact you with the,

“I love you…”
“I miss you…”
“I care about you…”

And when you respond normally they freak out because they feel their independence is being threatened.

So they push you away.

My Ex And I Are Constantly On And Off Again

Remember in my explanation above about “Hot and Cold” exes I talked about nostalgic reverie and how that plays into the hot moments?

Well, that concept comes back into play here.

On again/off again relationships are quite literally the bane of my existence.

I’ve been incredibly blessed over the years with a lot of different success stories.

Unfortunately, roughly half of them break up again after getting back together and they enter the viscous cycle that is on again/ off again phases.

What’s going on here?

Well, sometimes that nostalgic moment your ex has is so all consuming that it creates this mini honeymoon period where that’s all they think about for weeks to months at a time.

Ultimately that nostalgia for “the way things used to be” is so strong that it causes them to ask for you back.

However, they get a rude awakening when that honeymoon period wears off and they realize that things won’t ever be the way they used to be.

Now, that doesn’t mean they can’t be better, they can.

But often times what happens during on again/off again relationships is you have two people who are the exact same two people they were during the last breakup getting back together again and repeating history once more.

Albert Einstein had it right when he said,

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Ultimately something needs to be change on the next go around.

Luckily, we specialize in that.

My Ex Is Playing Mind Games With Me

Another strange form of “mixed signal” your ex will engage in is that of the mind games they can play with you.

Now, “mind games” come in many shapes and sizes.

There are mind games that an ex will play when they want you back and games they will play when they are unsure if they want you back or not.

We will be here for hours if I started writing about each and every game we’ve seen an ex play over the decade we’ve been at this so here’s what I’m going to do instead.

I’m going to direct you quickly to the articles and resources we’ve created that cover these.

If you’re interested in learning about the mind games an ex will play if they want you back then I suggest you watch this,

If you are interested in learning about the mind games an ex will play if they are unsure whether or not they want you back then watch this,

Let’s move on.

My Ex Ghosted Me For Months And They Flirted With Me

Here we have a really interesting mixed signal.

You have an ex who ghosts you and then months later suddenly comes back and begins flirting with you.

Now, I suppose that is the extreme version of this. In most cases your ex won’t ghost you all the way.

I’ve always gone to extremes when considering an ex who “ghosts you” as someone who will cut you out of their life, pretend you don’t exist and never talk to you again.

That’s technically not what’s happening here.

Instead it’s almost like your ex takes a mini no contact rule out on you and then after enough time has gone by gets back in touch with you which of course confuses the heck out of you.

However, we think we understand why this mixed signal exists.

Lately I’ve cited attachment styles a lot.

Specifically how we believe that most of your exes are going to exhibit avoidant tendencies.

The key in understanding this mixed signal lies in their avoidant nature.

According to Free To Attach, Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement.

In other words, your ex will not begin to actually miss you or have that nostalgic reverie until enough time has gone by that they think you’ve moved on.

So, when your ex ghosts you, that nostalgia kicks in eventually and then they get back in touch with you or are more responsive towards your reach out attempts, hence the flirting.

Why Would An Ex Want To Meet Up After Breaking Up With Me?

I struggled on whether to include this on the list at all. After all, I actually don’t consider this to be that much of a mixed signal but people were actively searching for it and asking about it so I decided to include it.

How does this work?

Well, your ex breaks up with you and seemingly wants nothing to do with you when all of a sudden they want to meet up with you.

Most of the time we see this happen after you’ve used a no contact rule on them.

In other words, either during no contact they’ll reach out to you asking to see you or immediately after you get back in touch with them they’ll do it.

They want you to skip the value ladder.

Of course, I’ve seen this mad rush to see an ex in person before its time go both ways.

Most of the time it blows up in our clients faces.

The ex was craving the intimacy that suddenly stopped upon the breakup and once they get it again reality doesn’t quite live up to expectation and it reaffirms their decision to break up with you.

This is often where we will have someone come in and ask our support group why an ex who asked them on a date suddenly disappeared.

Simply put, you gave them what they were looking for on their terms instead of yours.

An action that seems like it would raise your value in their eyes has the opposite effect.

Now, I’m not going to lie, there have been some success story outliers that have had success by breaking all of the rules.

It’s important to understand these are the exceptions and most often not the rule.

My Ex Says They Want To Be Friends But Treat Me Like A Romantic Partner

For me personally perhaps the most difficult thing about going through a breakup was the sudden change in routine.

I’m a slave to my routine and I’m not a huge fan of change so as you can imagine well I didn’t deal very well with my past breakups.

Turns out, I’m not the only one.

Most exes won’t exhibit this mixed signal but the ones that do are likely going to be just like me.

They’ll be the ones to break up with you.

They’ll say they want to be just friends.

But the things they say and do don’t quite back that up.

They constantly flirt, maybe even kiss you.

Oh, but you’re just friends.

What the heck is going on here?

Two possible explanations exist that makes sense to me.

  1. Your ex wants to keep you on the hook while they explore other options
  2. Your ex believes moving on from you is important but unconsciously they can’t help themselves.

We’ve already discussed the first possibility in a different mixed signal so let’s focus on that second one.

After every breakup a battle exists within your ex.

The battle to do better than you.

Sometimes they can find someone better than you but most of the time they don’t.

So, what happens if they don’t find someone better than you?

Well, that’s where regret kicks in and they actively begin to do things to indicate that they miss you.

Things Were Going So Well And Then My Ex Suddenly Stopped Talking To Me

This mixed signal is perhaps the bane of my existence.

So, how does it work.

Well, your ex is talking to you and things seem to be going well but then all of a sudden they disappear.

Essentially they are talking to you and then ignore you.


There could be numerous culprits.

Though most of the time simple tactical errors are behind it.

So, we teach a concept called The Value Ladder here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Basically it’s this very simplistic view of how you should be communicating with your ex.

Ultimately there are five methods of communication you can have with your ex.

  1. Social Media Means (posting things through social media that they see.)
  2. Text Messaging (Texting your ex)
  3. Phone Calls/Video Chats (Just like it sounds)
  4. Meetups ( In person interactions where your ex isn’t sure if you are on a date or not)
  5. Romantic Dates (In person interactions designed to be romantic)

The value ladder is designed to be climbed.

Essentially you don’t move up to a new method of communication until you have built sufficient value on the one before it.

This is the single biggest tactical mistake we see our clients making.

After they complete a no contact rule they go too fast too soon. Sure, your ex seems to play ball at first but eventually if you push the boundaries too soon it scares your ex off.

My Ex Told Me They Aren’t Ready For A Relationship But Then Move On To Someone Else

I believe we call people hypocrites who do things like this.

You know, they say one thing but do another.

If your ex tells you that they aren’t ready for a relationship during the precipice of a breakup what they are really saying is that they think they can do better than you.

After all, this is what all breakups boil down to at their core.

It’s a crude way of looking at it but it certainly helps explain this particular mixed signal, doesn’t it?

You shouldn’t be shocked that your ex is trying to find someone better than you.

The best thing for you to do is control the factors you actually have some control over and that’s how you respond.

Make your ex regret their assumption.

There is no one better out there for them than you.

How Can I Tell If My Ex Is Pretending To Be Over Me?

A few months ago I filmed this beauty,

In it I cover the ten signs that your ex is pretending to be over you.

1. You Believe They Are An Avoidant Attachment Style
2. The Couple Routine Never Really Changes
3. They Are Always Stalking Your Social Media
4. They Are A Little Too Forceful In Convincing Everyone That They Are Over You
5. They Fish Around Your Sphere Of Influence
6. They Refuse To Pick Up Your Stuff
7. They Are Insanely Hot And Cold
8. They Remove All Your Couple Photos Except One
9. They Send A Spy After You
10. They Go On The Rebound Really Quickly

Now, while I would love to sit here and give you an in-depth analysis of each one of the signs I’ve already done that via the video and the accompanying article that goes with it.

So, check those out.

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598 thoughts on “Decoding The Mixed Signals From Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Lisa Lindsay

    March 22, 2023 at 11:13 pm

    I still have strong feelings for my ex. IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND MY EX GAVE ME A BIG HUG . IT felt so nice to get a hug from him.I miss him so much.

  2. Destiny

    February 13, 2023 at 3:39 pm

    Hi, I was recently in a 3 year relationship with my child father. We have absolutely have done everything together. We were on and off ever sense 8 months of being together we had good times and bad times. Just recently two weeks ago he told me he was done and then after a week or so of him being mean he told me he would want to be friends but he hasn’t have any hope for the future but it’s a possibility for the future. He’s told me he’s just coping with the pain and wants to be single. Idk what to do at this point I’ve tried to get him back.

  3. Jennifer

    September 11, 2022 at 10:07 pm

    Yes i was with my ex for 10 months and it feels like none of it was even real to him. We met n got along so well he was stuck on me like crazy it got on my nerve. Then a sudden he just stopped once I let my wall down n he did the very thing I beg him to not ever do.. now we stayed together for months but fought so much cause he wouldn’t coit fully I did fuss alot but I left him 3x since and each time he called me wanting me bk but this last time he said he really knew he wanted me n loved n missed me so I gave him a chance and within 2 weeks he is talking to these other females online n doesn’t stop either till I’m hysterical n begging h to stop hurting me to be honest 2 months for by now he wants to break up but says the kids n me don’t have to move out but his feelings fooled him n he didn’t love me at all n doesn’t want me which hurt like hell but as I was moving on this past week it’s like he runs from situation that need to be addressed n ignored me a lot says he not but he is answering other phone numbers I call from. He goes thru my phone deletes anything I have that contacts his life period.. but still tries hook up from time to time I’ve never been so angry n love someone before it’s really messing with my mental please help me

  4. Mara

    August 23, 2022 at 4:48 pm


    My ex didn’t want to commit and after 2 weeks no contact he sends me flowers and an e-card for my birthday. What gives? Is he trying to win me back? He told me he doesn’t know if he can commit right now and suddenly sends flowers for my bday 🙁 Now I’m confused. I said thank you but restarted NC to see if he does anything else. Advice on whats going on?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 2, 2022 at 8:30 pm

      Hey Mara, it sounds as if it was a nice gesture for your birthday. Id suggest if you want him back that you stick with a 30 day NC and then reach out using the program. It sounds as if he wants to get along and be civil on some level, however he has mentioned that he does not want to commit more than he had, that may not change if you do get back together.

  5. Sara

    July 11, 2022 at 12:32 pm

    Hi guys my Ex and I had a 3 year relationship, we ended amd over the years he has reached out I didn’t awnser he reached out to me and I gave him the chance to apologise all was well. He came back after recently breaking up with his other ex which he has already once broke up with. (I have been his only longest relationship) he reached out to me even got his mum too I finally reached out he wanted to see if we could get back together in that time I told him to do the right thing in regards to his ex that how would he feel if he didn’t know or has hope that ur getting back together then he called me two days later saying he realised he loved her.. we both have such a strong bond n I know he feels that too but I don’t know why he keeps coming back

  6. Julia

    May 31, 2022 at 2:12 pm

    Hi team,
    I’m really confused. My bf left me for another woman 5 months ago. I initiated a 45day NCR. During that time he popped round 3 times wanting to friends and wanting to hug.
    He still has things at the house. Recently we were texting but he typically drops out of conversations.
    He’s sending very confusing signals.
    We were together 7 years. I’m getting really fed up of it all now.
    Any suggestions? Another NCR?
    Thank you
    Much love xxx

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 20, 2022 at 8:34 pm

      Hey Julia, he needs to realise he cannot come around and be your “friend” when it suits him, so you do need to set that boundary in the sense that it needs to work for you, you need to read about the being there method. I would suggest that you keep going with your texting and try to keep building your rapport when he drops out you need to realise that he is probably hiding you from the OW. So choosing your time to send messages to build rapport and attraction, and just being able to make sure he is with her and you are making your presence known.

  7. Cher

    March 30, 2022 at 10:47 pm

    Hi. Recently an old college colleague reached out to me and we reconnect. He was clearly interested in a romantic relationship as he later confesses that he liked back in college college. He had tried to reach out a couple of years ago, after his divorce which left him a single dad raising 3 boys . When we finally start dating, I find him super interested, caring and committed, I was a bit unsure about my feelings at the beginning but the turning point happens after the first month of dating. We dated for 4 months, he introduced me to his kids and started talking about marriage. I was clear about letting him decide on timing and set the rules regarding the relation with his kids because I knew how deeply he cared about them. I met his friends on his birthday, and I was pleased to hear him telling the story of how he reconnected with the “love of his life” after 27 years .
    A few days later, he tells me about a problem with one of his sons. We talked about it and I could see he was affected by it and determined to give it his attention. I was not demanding all: we stopped going out, but we still talked…then it stopped. I would text him to see how things are going but his answers became short and impersonal. I. send him a text saying that I am happy giving him space to focus on his kids, so he calls but then disappears again. With a broken heart I start the NC, 2 weeks later he texts me saying he wants to “TALK”. Fearing he wanted to break up, I push it for a week, so he text again and we agree to meet but it never happens for reasons at his end: lack of clarity about the day or not feeling well. So I call him and propose to talk over the phone, he says he can’t talk now but will call back….and he never does.
    I need your advice in understanding this situation… we never broke up….but he pulled away … I don’t know why he is acting this and what did he mean when he said he wanted to talk. And is there any chance he can come back?
    I appreciate your help and advise.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2022 at 1:13 pm

      Hey Cher, so it sounds as if he pulled away rather than spoke to you about your relationship. I would say that you have done all the right things by stepping back and allowing him to take things at his own pace. But it sounds more like he is avoiding speaking to you rather than being honest and ending things with you. If he does not reach out to you soon, I would suggest that you do the reaching out an ending the relationship as much as you are patient and it is great that he is brilliant father putting his boys first I 100% back this up, but you also deserve respect and honesty. Do not be angry or accusing him of being unfair just explain that you are ready for more and that he isn’t able to give you that right now. There is only so much time you can wait for someone before it begins to drain you.

  8. Jenna

    February 17, 2022 at 6:02 pm

    Hi I am so confused. I have an avoidant fearful ex. He was all in and very full on at first then after a couple months changed and kept me at arms length after he encouraged things to get serious.
    I gave him a ton of space and didn’t chase him even though it felt like he pulled the rug. He would call every day but only see me once or twice a week and was emotionally closed off a lot.
    At six months he got fired and got depressed and totally withdrew. He avoided seeing me for weeks. Eventually I said I quit. He agreed. I didn’t exactly beg but I was definitely annoyed. After a month he said he wanted to get together but then let the matter drop as soon as I said yes.
    I then went NC for two months. He continued to watch every single one of my stories and liked my posts (he has done this from the day we split).
    Then he called and messaged me saying he thinks about me all the time and wants to see me. I was hesitant but said ok. He called a lot and then suddenly backed off. Made no plans. I made the massive mistake of suggesting a day to meet. He then backed off even further. No plan was made. That was two weeks ago.
    My question: Do I need to start NC all over again? If he calls should I ignore him completely or just tell him I have plans/ can’t talk? And make myself unavailable but not silent. I am so confused. I followed the steps and am going in circles here. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 21, 2022 at 10:11 pm

      Hi Jenna, so annoyingly you are going to have to go back into a NC but only for 5-7 days and understand that a FA is going to take a LOT of patience to get back, each time you start making progress and they sense that they have some sort of feeling they back off again and you feel that you have lost all progress. It is almost like fishing, you reel them in and then they pull away allow them that little distance to lessen their anxiety.

  9. Debbie

    January 6, 2022 at 2:05 am

    Hi, so I have a weird situation. My ex and I broke up in 2019 after only a few months of dating. The last time we saw one another was 2 years ago, right before the pandemic hit. He told me he was not really feeling confident in his life during 2020 as he was just graduating from college and said he could not give me what I deserved at that time. So, I really didn’t think twice and decided to just focus on myself. I have not dated anyone since him mainly because of the pandemic and because I just haven’t met anyone interesting I would like to possibly date. (I will admit that I am probably in the avoidant category Chris described, in that I do want to be with someone, but then when it gets close to happening, I freeze and get scared that I will lose my independence.) My ex reached out last summer when it was my birthday and said he wanted to say hi and see how I was doing via text. I didn’t answer. Well, to my surprise, he texted me right after this new year to say he is tired of the pandemic and wanted to say hi and wish me a happy new year. He said I could text or call him to catch up (I haven’t done either yet). I’m not sure what to make of this exactly. We knew each other a long time before we even tried dating (like over a decade and he had feelings for me most of that time). My hunch is that things have possibly gotten a lot better for him and maybe he wants to share that information with me? I don’t really know. I’m trying to not get my hopes up lol Any insight from an outsider would be appreciated.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 30, 2022 at 8:40 pm

      Hi Debbie, it sounds as if your ex is trying to reach out to have a conversation. If you want to get back together then I would suggest that you reach out and start a conversation to see if you can re connect.

  10. Diane

    September 30, 2021 at 5:30 pm

    My ex and I just split up because I had family.visiting from out of province. His family lives here and he can see them whenever he wants. He said.goodbye and within a week he is with a woman that he cheated on me with. Everuthing was good until my sister came for overnight. I have my own place and he has his. This has gone on.for 3 years of not allowing me to have friends or family, only him. I am completely drained mentally and physically. How do I get through this? Thankyou.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 7, 2021 at 9:07 pm

      Hey Diane, it sounds as if you have had a lucky escape if he is controlling your life in this way! Work on yourself, block him and just focus on getting over the hurt and betrayal. You deserve better!

  11. Chandel

    July 14, 2021 at 12:01 am

    My ex jumped into a new relationship before ending things with me. This started in April. he still txts me on a daily basis asks for pics sends me growing heart emojis. We have a daughter together but he makes sure I’m home when he comes to see her cause he wants to see me as well. And he still sleeps with me when he’s here. What does this mean.

  12. Lil Bit

    March 30, 2021 at 4:46 pm

    I broke up 9 months ago with a guy I dated for 2 years 3 months. He was wanting to marry me and wanted me to up and move to where he lived on the spot because of finances I couldnt right then . Then his daughter started causing issues and I broke up and walked away but realized how much I do love him. He has dated some other women , been involved in a two month relationship but now they broke up. I’ve done no contact then at points I messaged him . Most of time he ignored me but lately has answered more quickly but then goes cold again. We have been together 3 times physically since the breakup. Just when I think I’m able to move on he texts me something simple out of the blue.Once we actually got into conversation and he admitted he should have tried harder with me and that he wished he had done some things differently. I’m so confused and broken! Help!

  13. Erin

    November 29, 2020 at 9:28 pm

    So maybe you can help.
    Things were going amazing, then out of no where he wants time and space. 3 years being together. He has not come out to tell me we are over. He says to me he isnt going anywear and needs to get things straight. Then 3 weeks not seeing or hearing from him, he told all his Friends he broke up with me but failed to give me the memo.
    But once asked about certain things like if we are still going to live together or i can put our picture up on social media he comes back saying “its up to you” and he still has my family and friends on his fb but not me.
    What the heck is going on???

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2020 at 8:52 pm

      Hi Erin, it sounds as if your ex is a bit of a coward and hasnt got the guts to tell you he is done. Or he is keeping you as an option while he attempts to see if the grass is greener else where. I would suggest you read the articles about being ungettable and work on yourself, let him worry he has lost you by being this way.

  14. Katie

    April 16, 2020 at 5:40 pm

    So, gonna be a long comment. Gotta give background.. so, my ex boyfriend it’s been 2 months since we broke up. We dated officially for 2 months but like talked slash dated for 4.. the relationship was healthy, happy, we got along had great chemistry. Legit first man I’ve ever dated I could be completely myself with. We both just naturally fit together it seemed. We never fought only about where to eat stuff like that. So He broke up with me out of nowhere.. blindsided I try to go back to the weeks before the breakup and I can’t figure out what just magically made it happen. Because the week before he was telling me he loved me and wrote a cute letter for Valentine’s Day about how he felt for me so I was incredibly confused. he said he wasn’t in the right mindset to stay in the relationship and I did nothing to cause him to leave but he still cared and loved me but he just didn’t want to hurt me more in the long run if we stayed together if he felt like this.
    I didn’t Initiate no contact right when we broke up. The next day I went to the bar and ran into him talked to him for a bit and helped his drunk butt get home. After that I was still drunk texting, drunk snap chatting (not sure if you’re familiar or deal with people talking about snap chatting) just trying to talk to him even sober too and I was getting the same responses. “I’m not in the right mindset” sometimes he’d text back sometimes he’d snap back for a little bit but it was very inconsistent and he left me on read a lot. This happened for a month.

    After a month of being broken up. He ends up posting something on Facebook a long post about how he’s feeling in life and just that he’s lost and not secure in himself and his job security. That he had to let someone go because he didn’t feel like himself or honestly I’m not even sure what he meant by that the way he wrote it was hard to understand.

    I tried to reach out to him to make sure he was okay cause the post just seemed like he was hurting and finally let it all out. I got some response but that’s it. I tried for a couple days after and even called him while I was drunk to just talk and he was like I can’t give you a relationship right now I’m sorry I broke your heart.
    The next day I started my no contact cause I was like finally I need to let this go. And obviously I broke it as to why im writing here now. It lasted 17 days.

    I ended up Snapchatting just to snap not even knowing if I’d get anything back and not really worrying it I was going to. I end up falling asleep and I don’t reply til the morning. He snapped back ‘hey’ and we continue talking all day long talking about video games and work and the current quarantine.. I felt like I was being awkward cause it’s the first time I’ve gotten anything from him besides “I’m not in the right mindset” in months weeks. And then he stops. The next day I initiate again and I get a picture back and that’s it. I try again later that day and left on read.

    The day after I initiate again. And we talk all day and he’s telling me his plans for the upcoming weeks… and just talking like normal I felt like. So same day… I’m just gonna say I’ve become some what of a gamer.. and I was online playing with my friend and brother and I keep getting invitations to a party from my ex and He’s telling me “I’m adding you for this next game I’m gonna play I’m short of people” and I was like well I’m busy with another game you’re more than welcome to join me if you’d like. And he said I’ll join you after this match.. and he came on and he ended up joining our game and we played for like 2 hrs. And we were talking like we had never broke up or like we hadnt seen each other in months it was so I guess not forced or awkward it felt easy and like back when we were dating.. comfortable.

    So with that I thought wow were getting somewhere let’s see if it keeps going. And same thing snap him in the morning get left on read.. so I don’t snap him again. I wake up to a snap from him The next day and I just roll with it and we talk all day again. And then again get left on read today and last night.

    It’s the weirdest thing. Every guy I’ve talked to every person I’ve talked to about this is even shocked by his behavior because it’s sending mixed signals. And they’re as confused as me because why would he be doing this? Im confused..
    I know I shouldn’t be initiating convo the guys supposed to come back to me since he broke it off with me. And honestly I should just move on and forget the dude but something in me just doesn’t feel done? With the information I gave you, could you give me advice on what to do or why hes acting like this? You’re more than welcome to reach out for more if you’d like. Thank you for your help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 24, 2020 at 8:01 pm

      Hi Katie, I would say that you can follow this program to get this guy to commit but the hot and cold situation is going to be him not sure what he feels himself. Have you completed a NC at at yet? If not I would do so now. You need to then make it appear as if you are not chasing him anymore, he may prefer the chase. Get him investing in texting, talking, calling you, leading up to a point where you are going to want to meet up

  15. Hazen

    March 28, 2020 at 2:18 am

    So my ex is the one who ended things. He couldn’t get over an incident when one of my friends stole my phone, got his number and texted him. That and some other issues he was dealing with he needed to step back and then ultimately ended things. I knew it wasn’t me… it was clearly him and things he needed to deal with.

    So less than a month goes by and he starts texting me. He texts me every day and does the majority of the initiating. I was so hurt after he ended things I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. He finally initiated seeing me and we end up spending the whole day together with his best friends (who I’ve never met before) well we both got really drunk so you know what happens next. I told him in the morning that my feelings hadn’t changed and not to mess with me. He continues contact for a few days, again doing more initiating than he ever did when we were dating. He comes over unannounced once night hops on a zoom with my friends and we just hang out. We even hang out without sleeping together.. just feels so natural and comfortable.

    Then I mention coming over and staying over at his place and he hits me with “let’s not get ahead of this” because he doesn’t know “what is going on” and that he’s confused after we slept together and that he didn’t realize it meant “getting full blown back together”

    He is the one who initiated everything and I told him from the get go that I couldn’t handle him messing with my feelings again and now he’s the one who is confused. I just don’t know what to do or how to handle him. I told him I would not be a friends with benefits.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 11:24 pm

      Hi Hazen, it difficult when we fall into these situations where the paths get crossed. I think your ex was looking for a friends with benefits situation rather than a relationship. So you need to pull back, give it another No Contact, where you allow your ex to work for your attention again, but this time you are not to sleep with him unless you get back into a relationship. Even if it means you do not get drunk around him. Work your Holy Trinity and make him worry he is losing you

  16. Tamara Jenkins

    March 19, 2020 at 11:08 am

    I’m in a weird situation. My boyfriend broke up with me early on in our relationship due to his mental health issues and this sent me into a deep depression I had never experienced before. I did all the wrong things at first like begging etc then learnt about no contact and initiated that. After I sent the right text message we got talking again but he said he was still struggling with depression. So I let him be and hardly heard anything from him. Anyway fast forward to 6 months after the split we got back together but shortly after I found out he had been seeing a ridiculous amount of women during that time and also had been sexting while we were previously together. My trust issues have been way off ever since and dealing with my own mental health has been a struggle but we have been incredibly happy for the last 4 years otherwise. Recently though I flew off the handle when I saw he’d been messaging women he barely knew and though they sounded sweet and flattering messages I felt it was his way of trying to stroke his own ego in the hopes of moving to more sexual messages and that I was never going to be enough for him. When I confronted him he had some kind of panic attack, went to stay with his family a few days and came back. Everything was great again but 4 days later he said he would like to go back to stay for a few more days, I was so upset he wanted to go away again so soon I cried myself to sleep. In the morning he’d gone and he’s not been back for 2 months. We have barely text each other and his replies take days and he says he’s depressed but he hasn’t told me where he is or even that he’s got a job and is obviously not staying with his family. As I hadn’t heard from him for a while I asked him if we were still together. Then he broke up with me by text and said we can’t be together now as we won’t get better while we’re still together. I went immediately into no contact and he sent me loads of messages that day and the next saying he feels like he’s made the worst decision of his life and to answer my question yes we’re still together. I still haven’t answered him but he will have seen I’ve read the messages. He also hasn’t sent anymore since. He also posted a picture of us on my FB saying he loves me and how wonderful I am etc.. And put love hearts on all my posts. I haven’t posted anything since. I don’t know what to do in regards to do I just keep no contact if he seems to have gone back on dumping me and has said sorry. What I really want is him to stop messing me about, pack up his stuff and just come home.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 30, 2020 at 10:53 pm

      Hi Tamara, so yes you need to go into a No Contact to show you respect yourself, you are not going to chase him and you are not willing to put up with messing. This is going to give him space to miss you, consider his choices, and possibly change his mind, in which time you need to focus on yourself and work the Holy Trinity information so that you become Ungettable and in time your ex is going to see how great you are doing without him and regret letting you go

  17. Kath

    March 7, 2020 at 5:20 pm

    My ex changed when he got this new job hence why he ended things with me. He was always busy and always working didn’t make time for us.
    He seemed to had changed & stressed to point it was making him drink more.
    I decided to go no contact and after 3 months he said sorry, said he missed me and said he wanted to meet
    me. He said he is thinking leaving this job but his not sure.
    Anyways he planned to meet me but the day of he cancelled on me and said his really stressed out and was held at work. So I said ok no worries. Since he hasn’t made any further plans? Iv given him some space but reached out check on how he is and if he needs anything he knows where I am. He said thank you and said I was amazing and kind. But still no further plans to meet me. Not really sure what to do? Should I back away see if he comes to me? Or should I reach out to him say no effort is being made and see what he says?
    I don’t want to have my time wasted and be texting someone for months on end. I won’t be walked all over.
    Perhaps can give me some guidance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 18, 2020 at 2:58 am

      Hi Kath, so even though you have done the no contact and an apology form your ex because he knows why the relationship broke down you still need to go through the stages of texting, phone calls etc so get your ex invested in speaking to you again. If you are not interested in following the process you may find that you hit walls often

  18. Tiana

    February 27, 2020 at 2:39 am

    Hi. My boyfriend of 10 years left me almost three weeks ago. He said he was done and over it and it was too late to try and fix anything. I was so heartbroken and caught off guard. I didn’t see any of this happening at all. I felt sorry for myself for a couple days and cried myself to sleep. Then I started reading a lot and getting into my head trying to not let my emotions get the jest of me. We have three children so I knew I needed to be strong for them. By the second week my ex started to see a change in my attitude and how positive I have been. Mind you we are still living together. But now he is showing all these mixed signals. He says he doesn’t want to be together but then he will tell me he cares about me, or he will get frustrated if I say I’m going to stay at a friends house for the night because he told me he wanted space. He also tries to get intimate as well. I don’t know what he is wanting. I’m trying so hard to not show him how hurt I still am and I’m giving him his space and he has come around more but he still says we aren’t getting back together. What does this mean?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 9:45 pm

      Hi Tiana so I would keep doing what you are doing, focusing on yourself and showing your ex that you are in control of the situation. Under no circumstances give him any intimacy unless you get back together properly! Let him feel the loss. You staying at a friends is making him worried you are moving on but don’t stop living your life it is going to help you get him back! The stronger and more controlled you are of your emotions the better.

  19. Lesley Pryde

    January 26, 2020 at 10:20 pm

    Hello. Me and my boyfriend split up in 2018. We have 2 kids together. We split up as we kept arguing and didnt have alot time together when the kids came along. We spoke about getting back together. He even asked me to stay over with him and the girls took us to McDonald’s. December last year i slept with him then found out he had a girlfriend. Now they have split up. He still saying he loves me and misses me every day but he hardly messages me and sometimes when i cuddle him he doesnt cuddle me back. What should i do as i still love him and cant move on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 30, 2020 at 10:42 pm

      Hey Lesley, so I would not sleep with him again as you are going to end up in a difficult friends with benefits situation. I would suggest that you both go out without the children now and again and go to “romantic” settings, but do not be too available to him either. Get him to sit at your place while you go out with girls for drinks. Be the person you were before the children came along and more. I know how difficult it can be (I have two children myself) But showing you are still you, and finding the time together is important if you are going to show him how the family unit and the relationship is going to work

  20. Orchidea

    January 16, 2020 at 7:56 pm

    Kakistos is the superlative of the adjective kakos (κακος) which means bad/mean in Greek.

    My story is simple. 5 year relationship from highschool, 2 years apart with sporadic contact(Now we are both 24). He says he loves me, he wants to go out with me and be friends. But he never actually puts in the effort. He doesn’t act like someone who really cares, even in a friendly way. What I don’t understand is why he wants to keep me at arm’s length. It doesn’t make much sense. Just for the story I would love to have him as a friend, he was my best friend after all. I would like your opinion as an expert.
    Thanks for the article, Chris

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 16, 2020 at 8:14 pm

      Hey there, so the fact he is telling you one thing and his actions are showing another, I am a big believer of actions speak louder than words. right now you need to work on being Ungettable and showing that other men are interested in you and that you are possibly dating someone else, this will either who he does not mean what he is saying, or will force him to take action if he wants to be with you

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