Today we are going to be talking about why your ex doesn’t want to see you and what, if anything, you can do to make them want to see you.

Yep, if you stick around and read this entire article I’m going to give you three of my best tips to re-spark your exes interest in you if they’ve been extremely avoidant.

But first, I feel it’s important to tackle one of the most pressing questions about this whole thing.

Why doesn’t your ex want to see you after the breakup?

The One Simple Reason Your Ex Doesn’t Want To See You

When human beings are subjected to traumatic experience our fight of flight response gets triggered.

Fight or Flight – Is sometimes referred to as “the acute stress response” and it gets triggered in the presence of something terrifying either mentally or physically.

Breakups tend to be perfect candidates for fight or flight response to be triggered.

What you tend to see happen is exes have two reactions when faced with this scenario.

They either fight, argue and rage against the world.

Or the run and avoid the situation.

I think it’s safe to say that if you found this page you are probably dealing with an ex who is avoiding you.

And that’s what I’d like to talk about today.

There are thousands of different reactions people can have after a breakup but today we are only going to be focusing in on those reactions that align with the “flight” mechanism.

Specifically I’d like to talk about what you can do to make them want to engage with you again.

Whether that be in a conversation or something more romantic.

What You Can Do When An Ex Doesn’t Want To See You (To Make Them Want To See You)

There are three things that I’d like to zone in on today.

Now, before you start arguing with me that there are more than three things that can be done I want to let you know that I actually agree with you.

However, this article would get out of hand if I listed every single thing that you could do to make your ex want to see or talk to you again.

Instead, I’ve decided to just focus on what I deem to be the most impactful things.

So, without further ado I would like to present the three most important things you should be aiming to put into action if you want an ex to change their tune about seeing you again.

  1. Create A Safe Environment To Talk
  2. Logic Won’t Work, Use Emotions
  3. Engage Your Ex In Topics They Are Interested In

Let’s spend the rest of the time talking about each of these concepts.

Tip #1: Create A Safe Environment To Talk

Breakups are notorious for creating ugly environments.

You say things you don’t mean. Your ex says things they don’t mean and in the end all that either of you are left with are hurt feelings.

When I’m working with clients for the first time one of the first questions I’ll ask them is how often they’ve talked to their ex and what those conversations were like.

I estimate a good 6 out of 10 will tell me that they’ve talked to their in the last week and it’s ended in an argument.

Usually the conversations ends with an ex saying something along the lines of,

I never want to see you again…

Ouch…

Here’s the thing.

If you want to ever have a chance of getting your ex to see you again you’re going to have to work to create a “safe space” for them.

How The Heck Do You Do That?

It isn’t going to be easy.

And as much as this pains me to say there isn’t some magic bullet technique that I can give you to solve the problem.

Instead all I can leave you with is the concept of habit stacking.

What Is Habit Stacking: Basically you are consistent with good habits or good types of behavior which creates a snowball effect ending with you and your ex feeling great about a situation.

Human beings are addicted to “feeling good.”

I know, that’s the most cliche statement ever but think about your life and the types of addictive behavior that you’ve engaged in.

You probably have a favorite food, that you can eat all day every day.

You have a favorite story, that you have read or watched a lot more than once.

You have a best friend, that you see a lot more than once.

What’s the common denominator here?

These are all things or people that make you feel good.

You need to become that for your ex.

By stacking consistent good feelings on top of each other your ex will begin to have more meaningful conversations with you.

It all ends with you creating a safe space in which you can get an ex to open up to you.

Tip #2: Logic Won’t Work, Use Emotions

What I’m about to tell you will perhaps be the most important piece of advice I’ve ever muttered about dating and attraction.

People do not make dating decisions based on logic. They make them based on emotions and use logic to justify the decision.

How often have you witnessed a friend choose the wrong guy or girl to date?

You know this person is wrong for them and maybe even they know the person is wrong for them.

And yet they choose the person.

The reasoning?

Well, he’s got a great job.

But that’s not the real reason he was chosen, that’s the justification.

Your friend chose this bozo because of how he made her feel.

But “feelings alone” aren’t enough of a justification for the outside world so that’s where logic comes into play.

When I’m working with clients it always shocks me how much they rely on logic to convince an ex to come back to them.

It’s almost like they believe that if they can convince their ex with a pros and cons list that being with them is better their ex will have an epiphany and choose them.

It never works.

Logic isn’t enough.

Emotions are always more powerful.

How Can You Use Emotions To Convince Them?

I feel like a broken record here because I’ve literally written this exact thing multiple times before but it’s too good of a concept to not drudge up again.

Have you ever heard of the peak end rule?

If not I suggest you educate yourself,

Essentially it’s a psychological theory that illustrates how human being think about experiences.

Apparently when we “remember” an experience two distinct points matter more than anything. The peak (most exciting part) of the experience and the end of the experience.

Most of my clients make the mistake of highlighting “the end” of the relationship which is the worst thing you can do.

Think about it.

You talk to your ex and inevitably you bring up the failures of the past relationship.

He makes some comment and you make some comment which causes you to fight.

All you are really doing is reinforcing your exes negative beliefs thereby creating negative emotions.

Remember, human beings love “good emotions.”

Instead, you should be trying to find ways to highlight the peak of your relationship with your ex.

Now, I’m not going to lie to you.

It is a lot more challenging than it sounds.

Though I have a few ideas in my latest video around the 5:58 mark,

I’ll let the video do the talking.

Tip #3: Engage Your Ex In Topics They Are Interested In

Again, I feel like a broken record here as I’ve talked about this in so many different videos, podcasts and articles.

No, seriously I have.

But I’m going to say it again because that’s how important I believe it is.

One of the single biggest mistakes I see from people I work with is that they aren’t talking to their ex about topics that will hold their attention.

They are either “out of ideas” or too self absorbed too realize they are doing it.

I’ve long been spouting the philosophy that human beings are especially self interested when it comes to their dating lives.

We care about what is best for us.

My findings on the interdependence theory almost proves that outright.

In case you don’t know what that is I’ll quickly break it down for you.

The interdependence Theory posits that human beings commit to one another on a cost and benefit scenario. We are always looking to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs.

Essentially we are always looking to trade up from our current relationship which helps explain one aspect of the grass is greener syndrome but what does it have to do with topics that an ex is interested in?

Well, I’m a firm believer that when it comes to dating we mostly care about our feelings as opposed to someone else’s.

In other words, if a conversation bores us we will find a way to not continue it.

By talking to your ex about things that he is interested in you can make some serious inroads on “not being too boring.”

Probe For His Passions

Everyone has things that they are passionate about, including your ex.

What you are looking for are passions that he cares about and you don’t.

Why?

Because not only can you earn some serious points by mentioning this “passion” in a conversation but it’ll give you a chance to bond in an area that you haven’t ever bonded before.

I’ve long made the case that “firsts” as a couple can bond you with your partner better than anything as evidenced in this video,

This is an opportunity for you to do that.

18 thoughts on “My Ex Doesn’t Want To See Me”

  1. Avatar

    Amy

    October 14, 2019 at 9:21 pm

    My boyfriend of a year broke up with me and I’m devastated. We never really argued but for the last month he says he felt like he didn’t make me happy but I was unhappy due to family issues. My boyfriend and I are very similar and he loves my kids. He’s my best friend. He said he just didn’t know what he wanted anymore and he may regret this decision and I may not forgive him.. he told me he him when he left that he never said it was forever. My best friend called him to find out what was going on and he said we didn’t make eachother happy and he wanted me to move on… what do I do?? He has my whole heart. Since then we’ve had maybe 3 conversations over the last week and the last time I tried to text I got no response…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 7:01 pm

      Hi Amy you need to give him some space so complete a full NC before reaching out with a text that Chris explains as a hook. Read some articles to get yourself used to how the program works

  2. Avatar

    Lucy

    October 10, 2019 at 12:18 pm

    Hi Shaunna,

    My boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago after 5 years together. We are in our mid 20’s and were very serious about each other, we openly talked about marriage and children and planned out our lives together. Over the past year there has been a lot of uncertainly and change around his jobs which I have not reacted well to and I became quite a difficult person to be with and quite unpleasant to him at times. Over time my behaviour wore him down and he broke up with me saying that he feels our lives are headed in different directions and that the last few months have been the first time he has doubted us spending the rest of our lives together. Since breaking up he has told mutual friends that he does;t know what may happen in the future with us but that right now this is done for him. I have done nc for the past month but we have bumped into each other 3 times (we live close by) on the way to work and each time has been such a lovely encounter where we have briefly caught up (just for 5 minutes or so). Since breaking up I have had time to relflect a lot on my behaviour in the relegationship and have also begun having therapy for my anxiety around his change of job. The last time we bumped into each other was a week ago and he told me that he does miss me but that he knows he needs to be on his and that hasn’t changed. I asked if we could meet to properly talk and he agreed to meeting this weekend to catch up and chat. I know that his position about wanting to be on his own won’t have changed at this stage as although my behaviour was the trigger fo the breakup, he now believes he needs to experience life on his own after being together for so long from a young age. Despite this I know that I love him and want to be with him so wondered if you had any advice for how to tackle seeing him this weekend and how to begin to change his mind even when he thinks he is doing this for independence reasons? Any help would be really appreciated.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 11, 2019 at 7:41 pm

      Hi Lucy, so you need to show (not tell) him these changes you mad. You need to look amazing and be happy and easy to be around. You need to keep your conversation cordial and don’t get emotional. Spend your meet up talking about all the great things you are doing that you know he would have enjoyed doing with you. The problem with the meet up so soon is that you haven’t given yourself enough time to work on rebuilding your attraction so this meet up you need to make sure you are solid emotionally but also gentle flirting (smile, look at his lips often but quickly, maybe ‘accidentally’ touch his arm)

  3. Avatar

    Anon

    October 8, 2019 at 2:15 am

    Thank you for the replies Shaunna! Do you think the 45 day no contact will work? I feel a little hopeless because he consistently says he feels nothing for me and that he’s not emotionally attached. During the breakup phone call, he said his feelings went away over time but he gave me no real reason for why his feelings were lost. What do I do if after the 45 day no contact ends and I reach out with a hook, and he still acts the same? Do I take it as a sign that he’s done with me for good?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 8:31 pm

      Hi Anon, yes as long as you do the work needed during this NC to be the most b’dass ex gf hes ever had and is gutted that he isnt with you living the exciting and fun life that you have (posting through social media for him to sit on the outside looking in)

  4. Avatar

    Anon

    October 6, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    Thanks Shaunna, but I’m wondering will no contact still work? Even though we broke up three months ago, I talked to him twice – once in the first month and once in the second month. I don’t think there’s any way to keep him interested, and he doesn’t seem like he wants to talk to me at all. I’m afraid that if I reach out again I’d push him away for good. He keeps saying he cares for me as a person but lost all feelings for me, and he wants to focus on himself. Should I just do no contact indefinitely until he reaches out to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2019 at 2:07 pm

      Hi Anon, so because of the types of interactions you’ve had I would follow third NC of 45 days. Full and focusing solely on your and your life. Then reach out with a text that hooks him. “Guess what”, “You we’re right” … ” I have a confession to make”

      Something like that should get him to want to know what you are going to talk about.

  5. Avatar

    Anne

    October 6, 2019 at 9:40 am

    Hi
    My case is the same as Anon.
    Just that I didn’t break his trust but he fell out of love because he felt we were incompatible.
    We had a trip planned before we broke up which is happening next month.
    After the breakup we decided to be friends and agreed to go for thr trip. However my ex feels we shouldn’t go for the trip as we recently broke up and it isn’t healthy.
    I still want to go for the trip with him, maybe things could be turn out better.
    How do I convince him we should go.
    Right now i had a fight about the same and we aren’t talking since a day.
    Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2019 at 2:54 pm

      Hi Anne, so if he doesn’t want to go on the trip and you can afford to give him his half back I suggest going without him! Honestly that will earn some serious UG points, or take a friend if you can too. So you need to complete a No Contact and work on yourself in that time, then reach out like I said to Anon, using some hooks to get him interested in talking to you

  6. Avatar

    Alice

    October 6, 2019 at 5:38 am

    So I was dating this guy for about 3 months before his grandfather died. He was super close to him and I tried to give him space to deal with the grief as he completely shut down. I told him I was there for him and if he ever needed to talk – I was there. However, a friend of mine died recently, I ran into my abusive ex boyfriend, I went through a really dark phase and I kept reaching out. I needed him to be by my side as I went through some hard times to no avail. So I didn’t do the 30 day no contact. He sent me a message every now and again all the while I am just desperate to see him. It’s now been over a month since we’ve seen each other. I have huge silent treatment issues from my abusive ex physically locking me in a cupboard and ignoring me which I have told him. I get into really bad anxiety attacked from being ignored for long period of time.

    I ran into his sister today and she spoke about all the drama that has happened prior to us getting together. She knew before me (she doesn’t know went out) he was dating someone and didn’t know if they were together or not still. I actually don’t know if we are together or not anymore. I messaged him asking if he was seeing someone else. Two hours later I called and found out I had been blocked. I don’t know if he blocked me before or after those messages but I’m thinking afterwards. Yesterday was the last time he sent me a message. I’m only blocked on my number as I sent a facebook message saying we need to talk. I doubt he’s seeing someone else as he did tell me there was a rebound before me but just hearing his sister talk about it made me second guess and I reacted without thinking. I shouldn’t have sent that message before trying to call. I am just wondering if there is any chance to fix this. I know it sounds very ‘maybe don’t go out with him…’ and I admit it can feel that way. But we have both admitted we love each other, both admitted we want more with each other and both want the same things out of this relationship. It was really good until all… this. Please… is there any hope?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2019 at 3:08 pm

      Hi Alice, so this is all about how you put the work in now to be Ungettable, chasing him is not going to get him back. So you need to not message him at all for a solid 45 days and adjust. You do need to work on yourself and the anxiety and the past that has caused issues, this isn’t a quick fix I know but working ot help you manage the thoughts and feelings you get is going to help you massively through out all your relationships not just partners. The length of your relationship is quite short so what you may also find is that you went too fast too soon. So keep in mind the value chain (the information about this can be found through the articles here) and how to use that with your ex

  7. Avatar

    Anon

    October 5, 2019 at 2:45 pm

    My ex dumped me over a phone call in July because he lost feelings for me and fell out of love, and he said he didn’t want to see me in person due to the “tears” so I waited and tried again to talk to him once a month since then. He still doesn’t want to see me and we’ve had a few conversations but he always ends up being the first to stop replying. He watches my stories on Snapchat and when I text him, he does reply, but I’ve decided to stop reaching out first. Any time I bring up the fact that we should talk in person, he shuts down immediately. He told me he cares for me as a person but he’s not emotionally attached. He says he’s moved on in the sense that he’s good being on his own, and he wants to deal with his problems on his own. He also said he wants to be alone and focus on himself, so I don’t think it’s another woman. He hasn’t reached out to me ever since I stopped reaching out first (I only reached out twice). At this point I am losing hope and I feel like I’m letting go of what we had, because he obviously doesn’t care about me. I gave him space, and I left him alone. I know I was probably wrong for reaching out first twice, but I decided not to do that anymore. I just feel lost and confused, and I feel like a small part of me is just moving on because he moved on to focus on himself. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 5, 2019 at 9:15 pm

      Hi Anon, reaching out after a full NC without breaking it you can reach out with one of the texts that Chris suggests to do to get your ex interested enough to reply to you and talk again. Read up on some of the types of messages you should be sending at the start of the texting phase.

  8. Avatar

    Anon

    October 2, 2019 at 9:52 pm

    Thanks Shaunna. I’ve been in no contact a month. We are not on good terms – I broke his trust and he has been in radio silence for 3 months. I’m soft-blocked on phone & Facebook, but he reads my emails.
    If a memory “email” is too much, what could I do?
    I worry that he could see through a “Guess what” or cliff-hanger email because he knows I’d do almost anything for a response.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 3, 2019 at 10:11 pm

      Hey Anon, so if this was the case then I would try and approach it more of a “You were right” type of message and then he will want to know what he was right about – this can be certain food, drink location whatever he has suggested to you in the past. But I would go for the Curiosity message if you feel confident enough to

  9. Avatar

    anon

    October 2, 2019 at 1:58 am

    Is revisiting a special place and sending a picture too in-your-face?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 2, 2019 at 5:49 pm

      Hi Anon this depends on a few things, where you are in the process and how good terms you are. If you have build up a texting conversation over a few weeks then yes you could send it in a nice way. If you’re in the No Contact then dont let it be your first reach out message

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