Today we are going to be talking about why your ex doesn’t want to see you and what, if anything, you can do to make them want to see you.
Yep, if you stick around and read this entire article I’m going to give you three of my best tips to re-spark your exes interest in you if they’ve been extremely avoidant.
But first, I feel it’s important to tackle one of the most pressing questions about this whole thing.
Why doesn’t your ex want to see you after the breakup?
The One Simple Reason Your Ex Doesn’t Want To See You
When human beings are subjected to traumatic experience our fight of flight response gets triggered.
Fight or Flight – Is sometimes referred to as “the acute stress response” and it gets triggered in the presence of something terrifying either mentally or physically.
Breakups tend to be perfect candidates for fight or flight response to be triggered.
What you tend to see happen is exes have two reactions when faced with this scenario.
They either fight, argue and rage against the world.
Or the run and avoid the situation.
I think it’s safe to say that if you found this page you are probably dealing with an ex who is avoiding you.
And that’s what I’d like to talk about today.
There are thousands of different reactions people can have after a breakup but today we are only going to be focusing in on those reactions that align with the “flight” mechanism.
Specifically I’d like to talk about what you can do to make them want to engage with you again.
Whether that be in a conversation or something more romantic.
What You Can Do When An Ex Doesn’t Want To See You (To Make Them Want To See You)
There are three things that I’d like to zone in on today.
Now, before you start arguing with me that there are more than three things that can be done I want to let you know that I actually agree with you.
However, this article would get out of hand if I listed every single thing that you could do to make your ex want to see or talk to you again.
Instead, I’ve decided to just focus on what I deem to be the most impactful things.
So, without further ado I would like to present the three most important things you should be aiming to put into action if you want an ex to change their tune about seeing you again.
- Create A Safe Environment To Talk
- Logic Won’t Work, Use Emotions
- Engage Your Ex In Topics They Are Interested In
Let’s spend the rest of the time talking about each of these concepts.
Tip #1: Create A Safe Environment To Talk
Breakups are notorious for creating ugly environments.
You say things you don’t mean. Your ex says things they don’t mean and in the end all that either of you are left with are hurt feelings.
When I’m working with clients for the first time one of the first questions I’ll ask them is how often they’ve talked to their ex and what those conversations were like.
I estimate a good 6 out of 10 will tell me that they’ve talked to their in the last week and it’s ended in an argument.
Usually the conversations ends with an ex saying something along the lines of,
I never want to see you again…
Here’s the thing.
If you want to ever have a chance of getting your ex to see you again you’re going to have to work to create a “safe space” for them.
How The Heck Do You Do That?
It isn’t going to be easy.
And as much as this pains me to say there isn’t some magic bullet technique that I can give you to solve the problem.
Instead all I can leave you with is the concept of habit stacking.
What Is Habit Stacking: Basically you are consistent with good habits or good types of behavior which creates a snowball effect ending with you and your ex feeling great about a situation.
Human beings are addicted to “feeling good.”
I know, that’s the most cliche statement ever but think about your life and the types of addictive behavior that you’ve engaged in.
You probably have a favorite food, that you can eat all day every day.
You have a favorite story, that you have read or watched a lot more than once.
You have a best friend, that you see a lot more than once.
What’s the common denominator here?
These are all things or people that make you feel good.
You need to become that for your ex.
By stacking consistent good feelings on top of each other your ex will begin to have more meaningful conversations with you.
It all ends with you creating a safe space in which you can get an ex to open up to you.
Tip #2: Logic Won’t Work, Use Emotions
What I’m about to tell you will perhaps be the most important piece of advice I’ve ever muttered about dating and attraction.
People do not make dating decisions based on logic. They make them based on emotions and use logic to justify the decision.
How often have you witnessed a friend choose the wrong guy or girl to date?
You know this person is wrong for them and maybe even they know the person is wrong for them.
And yet they choose the person.
Well, he’s got a great job.
But that’s not the real reason he was chosen, that’s the justification.
Your friend chose this bozo because of how he made her feel.
But “feelings alone” aren’t enough of a justification for the outside world so that’s where logic comes into play.
When I’m working with clients it always shocks me how much they rely on logic to convince an ex to come back to them.
It’s almost like they believe that if they can convince their ex with a pros and cons list that being with them is better their ex will have an epiphany and choose them.
It never works.
Logic isn’t enough.
Emotions are always more powerful.
How Can You Use Emotions To Convince Them?
I feel like a broken record here because I’ve literally written this exact thing multiple times before but it’s too good of a concept to not drudge up again.
Have you ever heard of the peak end rule?
If not I suggest you educate yourself,
Essentially it’s a psychological theory that illustrates how human being think about experiences.
Apparently when we “remember” an experience two distinct points matter more than anything. The peak (most exciting part) of the experience and the end of the experience.
Most of my clients make the mistake of highlighting “the end” of the relationship which is the worst thing you can do.
Think about it.
You talk to your ex and inevitably you bring up the failures of the past relationship.
He makes some comment and you make some comment which causes you to fight.
All you are really doing is reinforcing your exes negative beliefs thereby creating negative emotions.
Remember, human beings love “good emotions.”
Instead, you should be trying to find ways to highlight the peak of your relationship with your ex.
Now, I’m not going to lie to you.
It is a lot more challenging than it sounds.
Though I have a few ideas in my latest video around the 5:58 mark,
I’ll let the video do the talking.
Tip #3: Engage Your Ex In Topics They Are Interested In
Again, I feel like a broken record here as I’ve talked about this in so many different videos, podcasts and articles.
No, seriously I have.
But I’m going to say it again because that’s how important I believe it is.
One of the single biggest mistakes I see from people I work with is that they aren’t talking to their ex about topics that will hold their attention.
They are either “out of ideas” or too self absorbed too realize they are doing it.
I’ve long been spouting the philosophy that human beings are especially self interested when it comes to their dating lives.
We care about what is best for us.
My findings on the interdependence theory almost proves that outright.
In case you don’t know what that is I’ll quickly break it down for you.
The interdependence Theory posits that human beings commit to one another on a cost and benefit scenario. We are always looking to maximize the benefits and minimize the costs.
Essentially we are always looking to trade up from our current relationship which helps explain one aspect of the grass is greener syndrome but what does it have to do with topics that an ex is interested in?
Well, I’m a firm believer that when it comes to dating we mostly care about our feelings as opposed to someone else’s.
In other words, if a conversation bores us we will find a way to not continue it.
By talking to your ex about things that he is interested in you can make some serious inroads on “not being too boring.”
Probe For His Passions
Everyone has things that they are passionate about, including your ex.
What you are looking for are passions that he cares about and you don’t.
Because not only can you earn some serious points by mentioning this “passion” in a conversation but it’ll give you a chance to bond in an area that you haven’t ever bonded before.
I’ve long made the case that “firsts” as a couple can bond you with your partner better than anything as evidenced in this video,
This is an opportunity for you to do that.