Today we’re gonna talk about what it means when an ex tells you that he isn’t ready for a relationship – and what you can do about it.
Now, what’s interesting about this particular situation is that the language your ex uses to push you away from him can appear in many different forms:
- It’s not you, it’s me
- Please, stay away from me
- I’m not ready for a relationship
- I don’t want to deal with this
- I can’t do this right now
- I need some space
- I want to be on my own
They all have the same sentiment. Stay away from me, I don’t want you.
So what’s going on in a man’s head when he says this to you?
Does he mean it, or is it just something he’s saying to get you off his back?
That’s what this article is going to explore is going to explore.
But first, if you haven’t already, make sure you take the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.
It’s a simple two-minute quiz which is designed to tell you what chance you have of getting your ex back.
If that’s something you really want to know, taking the quiz is easy, so do that before you go any further.
Does Your Ex Mean It When They Say They Aren’t Ready For A Relationship?
So, when an ex tells you that he isn’t ready for a relationship, does he mean it?
In short, no they don’t really mean it. Most likely, it’s just a front for the real reason.
That may disappoint you to hear but what most people don’t realize is that decisions about relationships are often made based on emotions.
Therefore if your exes experience has been poor towards the end of your relationship then they are going to definitely want to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
But here’s the part no one ever tells you.
The person leaving the relationship will often not want to make you feel bad so they’ll give you the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
Of course, this brings us to the next question you are bound to be wondering. Is there a way to salvage the situation?
Well, to answer that I first need to tell you a story and if you’re an avid reader of my the blog section of Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you’ve probably heard it before.
The Pattern Interrupt And The Brad Pitt Test
I’m a huge fan of the movie Hitch, which follows Will Smith, who plays a character who teaches men how to get women. But he only works with specific men – men who really fall in love with a woman but have no clue how to bridge that gap.
The movie starts with this really interesting pattern interrupt.
Literally the first line in the movie is,
“No woman wakes up in the morning saying, God I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today.'”
Hitch then goes on to tell us that despite everything she might say to put you off, if you do some serious sweeping, she’ll be yours.
So what is a pattern interrupt?
Well, I’ve actually filmed a video describing exactly how I tend to advise clients to use it.
But for the purposes of this article and the movie, it’s doing crazy things like pretending to save her dog from being run over, or some other kind of elaborate ‘accidental’ meeting, all set up by Hitch to make the hapless hero look good.
This is instead of the clumsy approach these guys would usually employ, which hasn’t served them well in the past.
For your purposes, it’s not doing what he expects.
If your ex tells you he’s not ready for a relationship or he doesn’t want to be with you, he expects you to be upset.
He expects you will call and message him and want to see him to talk about it.
He expects arguments and drama. That’s the usual pattern.
You’re not going to give him that. You’re going to interrupt the pattern by pulling away and letting him see what life is like if he does have what he asked for – space from you.
In the meantime, you’ll be showing him what he’s missing via social media posts of you having fun, friends telling him how great you’re doing. And any glimpses of you he does catch, you make sure you look amazing.
All this is part of the No Contact strategy that we recommend to all clients who are trying to get an ex back. There are heaps of articles on the site which deal with the No Contact Rule.
But we need to move on.
The Brad Pitt Test
Back when I was in high school and couldn’t get a girl to save my life, I’d look online to see what I should do and say to attract women. Oftentimes the advice would suck.
But one thing has always stuck with me. It’s called the Brad Pitt test.
If a woman says she doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t into you or isn’t ready for a relationship, give her the Brad Pitt test. Essentially, throw Brad Pitt in front of her in your exact circumstances and have him ask her out on a date.
Does she say yes? If she says yes, then clearly it’s something to do with you.
Now, I often like to say to women, give men the Megan Fox test.
Back in high school, my friends and I were all in love with Megan Fox.
We thought she was the epitome of attractiveness when it came to a woman. But you can choose someone else who you think better fits the bill.
So, put Megan Fox in front of him and have her flirt with him.
Does he reciprocate? Does he go out on a date with her? Does he enter into a relationship with her?
If he says yes (or you think he almost certainly would), then you have your answer. It’s something that he really doesn’t mean when he says that he’s not ready to get into a relationship.
It’s more about you and him, and the circumstances of your relationship and breakup.
I had a client once who I told this Megan Fox theory to and she tested it out on her ex.
She went to her best friend, who was the best looking girl she knew, and paid her (even though her friend was like, “What the heck is going on?”) to go up to her ex and hit on him.
She wanted to see if her ex would flirt back and maybe ask her out on a date.
When he did, she was obviously very upset with the result, but she got her answer.
He Ultimately didn’t mean it when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship.
What he meant was that he didn’t want to be with her. And after him behaving like that with her best friend, she wasn’t so crazy about being with him either!
Honestly, that situation was more than a little nuts.
But the test worked.
Four Tips To Get Your Ex To Change Their Mind?
Here’s the thing we’re trying to get to the bottom of. What can you do if you’re dealing with an ex who says, “I’m not ready?” What can you do to get them to re-commit to you?
The first thing I think you need to do is have a paradigm shift. Change how you look at relationships, and how you think men make decisions.
A lot of women like to think there’s a Disney prince out there for them – Prince Charming or a knight in shining armour.
This is programmed into us by romance tropes in movies, books and magazines, and even if we know logically that this isn’t real life, those yearnings to be swept off our feet can still arise.
But usually, reality doesn’t work that way.
Men tend to make decisions based on self interest: “Is this going to be the best thing for me?”.
And by the way, we’re all self-interested, not just men. Looking after yourself is essential to your survival in the world, so it makes sense.
Your ex is especially self-interested if he says, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” – then goes and dates someone else!
So, digging down deeper, if you understand four essential concepts, you will have a better chance of getting him to change his mind and commit to you.
Here are the things that I would recommend you start doing right away.
Tip #1: Ensure That Every Interaction You Have With Your Ex Is Extremely Satisfying
I’ve been on record for a long time explaining the differences between good emotions and bad emotions and how human beings tend to be addicted to feeling good.
The other day I was driving down the road and went past a Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A is notorious for their great service and tasty food, but even so it was packed there beyond belief. They had people with iPads going and taking orders from those people waiting in line!
But why is everyone sitting there waiting to get fried chicken or one of those awesome triple thick milkshakes? It’s not because it’s good for you. It’s not going to make you look better.
But it is going to make you feel better.
Eating there is satisfying, so we’re addicted to that feeling.
Your ex needs to have that same feeling every time he converses or engages with you in any type of conversation in any way.
Every time you are in contact with him, he needs to come out of that exchange feeling better about himself.
This doesn’t mean false flattery, just genuine and interesting conversation.
You need to catch his interest with a hook, talk about things that are important to him (and no relationship talk at first!) and make sure you are the one to end the conversation, leaving him wanting more.
I have lots of articles and YouTube videos which discuss in much more detail how to text your ex, so check them out.
Think about it. When was the last time that you can honestly say that your ex was satisfied after exiting a conversation with you? If you can’t remember, you’ve got a problem.
Tip #2: Ensure That You Are The Best Alternative
A man who breaks up with you is essentially saying, I think I can find someone better than you.
I can find a better alternative.
So how can you flip that on its head? Well, oftentimes men have a bit of what I like to call the grass is greener syndrome.
Towards the end of the relationship they may be looking around thinking, “You know what? There are greener pastures out there. I can maybe do better than what I’ve got right here.”
So they break up with you and go exploring into those greener pastures.
Here’s the thing. Oftentimes, especially the longer the relationship was, it’s not that easy to get into the flow of things. They start meeting new people but nothing actually seems to compare to you and the intimacy you had.
You can actually further develop this type of situation to your advantage if you do things away from your ex to highlight the great parts of your relationship.
Highlight the aspects of you that he fell in love with.
Maybe he really loved your eyes – so you put pictures on social media showing your beautiful eyes in their best light.
Maybe he loved the fact that you were so spontaneous and adventurous; so go and do some adventurous things with your friends.
Maybe he loved going to a certain place with you, even if that was just the gym or a favorite coffee shop. There’s nothing stopping you from still going there and having fun.
You want him to head on out there into the world of dating and than start thinking, “This isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.” That’s when he’s more likely to realise he actually had it pretty good with you.
Tip #3: Make Him Invest A Lot
When I first started talking about this concept of investment, most women took it to mean monetary investment:
“How can I get him to pay for dates?”
But we’re talking about something much deeper here. We’re talking about not only money, but also time, conversation, emotions and feelings. The more you can get him to invest those things into a relationship with you, even if it’s a ‘friend’ relationship, the better place you’re going to be in.
The more invested someone becomes in a relationship, the less likely they are to exit that relationship.
That means you need to do some thinking about why he left you in the first place, or why things went wrong between the two of you.
What was he spending most of his time doing?
A boyfriend should be spending most of his time talking to you, or doing things with you, or thinking about you. If he wasn’t doing these things, maybe you have a good answer as to why he broke up with you in the first place.
Of course, couples are also individuals, and there are things you want to do away from him and vice versa. But if you’re together, you should be spending time together. If he loves sports but you never want to go to a game with him or resent him going to play twice a week with his buddies, the balance of investment isn’t equal.
So have a good think about it. If you two didn’t spend much time together, why was that? Why did you stop having fun together? What used to make him satisfied, and what can you do to revive that feeling?
Here’s another interesting thing.
If you make him super-satisfied, if you ensure that you’re the very best alternative, and you ensure that he’s investing most of his time, and he’s still not committing – here’s where Tip No. 4 comes into play.
Tip #4: Fear Of Loss
I often talk about this concept. If you want to make someone commit to you, there are three things you need to do – make him satisfied, ensure you’re the best alternative, monopolise his time and make sure he invests in you.
But making someone commit to you isn’t the same as making someone want to commit to you. If you want to make someone commit to you – well, you can’t really make anyone do anything. But you can incentivise them to commit by using fear of loss.
Many women think, okay cool – I’ll give him an ultimatum: “If you don’t commit to me by this date, we’re done.”
That’s not really what I’m talking about. Most people aren’t too keen on ultimatums. They’re threatening and negative.
What you need to do instead is satisfy him so that he wants to commit. Follow the first three tips. Then, once you have done so, you start sprinkling in the fear of loss.
You don’t sprinkle in the fear of loss by giving ultimatums. Instead what you do is find ways to show him that other men want to take you out of the dating pool.
You can use what I like to call subtle jealousy here. Letting him see you with other men in photos or check-ins can make him wonder if he’s going to lose his chance forever. If you two aren’t committed to each other, you have every right to see what else is out there. (After all, that’s what he’s doing, right?)
Until you are committed to him, you being with someone else is a possibility, and it’s one he should fear.
If he sees that, he won’t only grow a little jealous, he’ll grow a little worried, and more likely to commit.
These four tips will help you not only re-attract him, but make him realise that he is, in fact, ready for a relationship with the right person…you!
A Final Word
Thanks for getting to the end of this article!
If you haven’t already, make sure you take that Ex Boyfriend Recovery Chances quiz. It’s a simple two minute quiz which tells you your chances of getting your ex back. I feel like a broken record, but I’m going to say it one more time – this really is that simple.
Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel to get even more help with how to get your ex back.
And if you have anything you want help with or want to say about this article, I’m all ears – please leave a comment and I will try my best to get back to you. Your success is really important to me!