Today we’re gonna talk about what it means when an ex tells you that he isn’t ready for a relationship – and what you can do about it.
Now, what’s interesting about this particular situation is that the language your ex uses to push you away from him can appear in many different forms:
- It’s not you, it’s me
- Please, stay away from me
- I’m not ready for a relationship
- I don’t want to deal with this
- I can’t do this right now
- I need some space
- I want to be on my own
They all have the same sentiment. Stay away from me, I don’t want you.
So what’s going on in a man’s head when he says this to you?
Does he mean it, or is it just something he’s saying to get you off his back?
That’s what this article is going to explore is going to explore.
But first, if you haven’t already, make sure you take the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.
It’s a simple two-minute quiz which is designed to tell you what chance you have of getting your ex back.
If that’s something you really want to know, taking the quiz is easy, so do that before you go any further.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDoes Your Ex Mean It When They Say They Aren’t Ready For A Relationship?
So, when an ex tells you that he isn’t ready for a relationship, does he mean it?
In short, no they don’t really mean it. Most likely, it’s just a front for the real reason.
That may disappoint you to hear but what most people don’t realize is that decisions about relationships are often made based on emotions.
Therefore if your exes experience has been poor towards the end of your relationship then they are going to definitely want to leave that relationship as soon as possible.
Sound familiar?
But here’s the part no one ever tells you.
The person leaving the relationship will often not want to make you feel bad so they’ll give you the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
Of course, this brings us to the next question you are bound to be wondering. Is there a way to salvage the situation?
Well, to answer that I first need to tell you a story and if you’re an avid reader of my the blog section of Ex Boyfriend Recovery then you’ve probably heard it before.
The Pattern Interrupt And The Brad Pitt Test
I’m a huge fan of the movie Hitch, which follows Will Smith, who plays a character who teaches men how to get women. But he only works with specific men – men who really fall in love with a woman but have no clue how to bridge that gap.
The movie starts with this really interesting pattern interrupt.
Literally the first line in the movie is,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quiz“No woman wakes up in the morning saying, God I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today.'”
Hitch then goes on to tell us that despite everything she might say to put you off, if you do some serious sweeping, she’ll be yours.
So what is a pattern interrupt?
Well, I’ve actually filmed a video describing exactly how I tend to advise clients to use it.
But for the purposes of this article and the movie, it’s doing crazy things like pretending to save her dog from being run over, or some other kind of elaborate ‘accidental’ meeting, all set up by Hitch to make the hapless hero look good.
This is instead of the clumsy approach these guys would usually employ, which hasn’t served them well in the past.
For your purposes, it’s not doing what he expects.
If your ex tells you he’s not ready for a relationship or he doesn’t want to be with you, he expects you to be upset.
He expects you will call and message him and want to see him to talk about it.
He expects arguments and drama. That’s the usual pattern.
You’re not going to give him that. You’re going to interrupt the pattern by pulling away and letting him see what life is like if he does have what he asked for – space from you.
In the meantime, you’ll be showing him what he’s missing via social media posts of you having fun, friends telling him how great you’re doing. And any glimpses of you he does catch, you make sure you look amazing.
All this is part of the No Contact strategy that we recommend to all clients who are trying to get an ex back. There are heaps of articles on the site which deal with the No Contact Rule.
But we need to move on.
The Brad Pitt Test
Back when I was in high school and couldn’t get a girl to save my life, I’d look online to see what I should do and say to attract women. Oftentimes the advice would suck.
But one thing has always stuck with me. It’s called the Brad Pitt test.
If a woman says she doesn’t want to be with you or isn’t into you or isn’t ready for a relationship, give her the Brad Pitt test. Essentially, throw Brad Pitt in front of her in your exact circumstances and have him ask her out on a date.
Does she say yes? If she says yes, then clearly it’s something to do with you.
Now, I often like to say to women, give men the Megan Fox test.
Back in high school, my friends and I were all in love with Megan Fox.
We thought she was the epitome of attractiveness when it came to a woman. But you can choose someone else who you think better fits the bill.
So, put Megan Fox in front of him and have her flirt with him.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDoes he reciprocate? Does he go out on a date with her? Does he enter into a relationship with her?
If he says yes (or you think he almost certainly would), then you have your answer. It’s something that he really doesn’t mean when he says that he’s not ready to get into a relationship.
It’s more about you and him, and the circumstances of your relationship and breakup.
I had a client once who I told this Megan Fox theory to and she tested it out on her ex.
She went to her best friend, who was the best looking girl she knew, and paid her (even though her friend was like, “What the heck is going on?”) to go up to her ex and hit on him.
She wanted to see if her ex would flirt back and maybe ask her out on a date.
When he did, she was obviously very upset with the result, but she got her answer.
He Ultimately didn’t mean it when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship.
What he meant was that he didn’t want to be with her. And after him behaving like that with her best friend, she wasn’t so crazy about being with him either!
Honestly, that situation was more than a little nuts.
But the test worked.
Four Tips To Get Your Ex To Change Their Mind?
Here’s the thing we’re trying to get to the bottom of. What can you do if you’re dealing with an ex who says, “I’m not ready?” What can you do to get them to re-commit to you?
The first thing I think you need to do is have a paradigm shift. Change how you look at relationships, and how you think men make decisions.
A lot of women like to think there’s a Disney prince out there for them – Prince Charming or a knight in shining armour.
This is programmed into us by romance tropes in movies, books and magazines, and even if we know logically that this isn’t real life, those yearnings to be swept off our feet can still arise.
But usually, reality doesn’t work that way.
Men tend to make decisions based on self interest: “Is this going to be the best thing for me?”.
And by the way, we’re all self-interested, not just men. Looking after yourself is essential to your survival in the world, so it makes sense.
Your ex is especially self-interested if he says, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” – then goes and dates someone else!
So, digging down deeper, if you understand four essential concepts, you will have a better chance of getting him to change his mind and commit to you.
Here are the things that I would recommend you start doing right away.
Tip #1: Ensure That Every Interaction You Have With Your Ex Is Extremely Satisfying
I’ve been on record for a long time explaining the differences between good emotions and bad emotions and how human beings tend to be addicted to feeling good.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe other day I was driving down the road and went past a Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A is notorious for their great service and tasty food, but even so it was packed there beyond belief. They had people with iPads going and taking orders from those people waiting in line!
But why is everyone sitting there waiting to get fried chicken or one of those awesome triple thick milkshakes? It’s not because it’s good for you. It’s not going to make you look better.
But it is going to make you feel better.
Eating there is satisfying, so we’re addicted to that feeling.
Your ex needs to have that same feeling every time he converses or engages with you in any type of conversation in any way.
Every time you are in contact with him, he needs to come out of that exchange feeling better about himself.
This doesn’t mean false flattery, just genuine and interesting conversation.
You need to catch his interest with a hook, talk about things that are important to him (and no relationship talk at first!) and make sure you are the one to end the conversation, leaving him wanting more.
I have lots of articles and YouTube videos which discuss in much more detail how to text your ex, so check them out.
Think about it. When was the last time that you can honestly say that your ex was satisfied after exiting a conversation with you? If you can’t remember, you’ve got a problem.
Tip #2: Ensure That You Are The Best Alternative
A man who breaks up with you is essentially saying, I think I can find someone better than you.
I can find a better alternative.
So how can you flip that on its head? Well, oftentimes men have a bit of what I like to call the grass is greener syndrome.
Towards the end of the relationship they may be looking around thinking, “You know what? There are greener pastures out there. I can maybe do better than what I’ve got right here.”
So they break up with you and go exploring into those greener pastures.
Here’s the thing. Oftentimes, especially the longer the relationship was, it’s not that easy to get into the flow of things. They start meeting new people but nothing actually seems to compare to you and the intimacy you had.
You can actually further develop this type of situation to your advantage if you do things away from your ex to highlight the great parts of your relationship.
Highlight the aspects of you that he fell in love with.
Maybe he really loved your eyes – so you put pictures on social media showing your beautiful eyes in their best light.
Maybe he loved the fact that you were so spontaneous and adventurous; so go and do some adventurous things with your friends.
Maybe he loved going to a certain place with you, even if that was just the gym or a favorite coffee shop. There’s nothing stopping you from still going there and having fun.
You want him to head on out there into the world of dating and than start thinking, “This isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.” That’s when he’s more likely to realise he actually had it pretty good with you.
Tip #3: Make Him Invest A Lot
When I first started talking about this concept of investment, most women took it to mean monetary investment:
“How can I get him to pay for dates?”
But we’re talking about something much deeper here. We’re talking about not only money, but also time, conversation, emotions and feelings. The more you can get him to invest those things into a relationship with you, even if it’s a ‘friend’ relationship, the better place you’re going to be in.
The more invested someone becomes in a relationship, the less likely they are to exit that relationship.
That means you need to do some thinking about why he left you in the first place, or why things went wrong between the two of you.
What was he spending most of his time doing?
A boyfriend should be spending most of his time talking to you, or doing things with you, or thinking about you. If he wasn’t doing these things, maybe you have a good answer as to why he broke up with you in the first place.
Of course, couples are also individuals, and there are things you want to do away from him and vice versa. But if you’re together, you should be spending time together. If he loves sports but you never want to go to a game with him or resent him going to play twice a week with his buddies, the balance of investment isn’t equal.
So have a good think about it. If you two didn’t spend much time together, why was that? Why did you stop having fun together? What used to make him satisfied, and what can you do to revive that feeling?
Here’s another interesting thing.
If you make him super-satisfied, if you ensure that you’re the very best alternative, and you ensure that he’s investing most of his time, and he’s still not committing – here’s where Tip No. 4 comes into play.
Tip #4: Fear Of Loss
I often talk about this concept. If you want to make someone commit to you, there are three things you need to do – make him satisfied, ensure you’re the best alternative, monopolise his time and make sure he invests in you.
But making someone commit to you isn’t the same as making someone want to commit to you. If you want to make someone commit to you – well, you can’t really make anyone do anything. But you can incentivise them to commit by using fear of loss.
Many women think, okay cool – I’ll give him an ultimatum: “If you don’t commit to me by this date, we’re done.”
That’s not really what I’m talking about. Most people aren’t too keen on ultimatums. They’re threatening and negative.
What you need to do instead is satisfy him so that he wants to commit. Follow the first three tips. Then, once you have done so, you start sprinkling in the fear of loss.
You don’t sprinkle in the fear of loss by giving ultimatums. Instead what you do is find ways to show him that other men want to take you out of the dating pool.
You can use what I like to call subtle jealousy here. Letting him see you with other men in photos or check-ins can make him wonder if he’s going to lose his chance forever. If you two aren’t committed to each other, you have every right to see what else is out there. (After all, that’s what he’s doing, right?)
Until you are committed to him, you being with someone else is a possibility, and it’s one he should fear.
If he sees that, he won’t only grow a little jealous, he’ll grow a little worried, and more likely to commit.
These four tips will help you not only re-attract him, but make him realise that he is, in fact, ready for a relationship with the right person…you!
A Final Word
Thanks for getting to the end of this article!
If you haven’t already, make sure you take that Ex Boyfriend Recovery Chances quiz. It’s a simple two minute quiz which tells you your chances of getting your ex back. I feel like a broken record, but I’m going to say it one more time – this really is that simple.
Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel to get even more help with how to get your ex back.
And if you have anything you want help with or want to say about this article, I’m all ears – please leave a comment and I will try my best to get back to you. Your success is really important to me!
MaryJane
June 10, 2021 at 7:20 am
My ex and I have broken up in the past but we were together in total of 6 years. We now have a child together and he recently broke up with me 5 months ago. We started talking again and hanging out but I couldn’t do it knowing he wasn’t committing so after having that talk he said he just wanted more for us first but wouldn’t clarify what that meant. To end the convo he just said he wasn’t ready and asked me to understand it. We are in our early 20s. What can I do to get him to come around to wanting a relationship again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 18, 2021 at 8:23 pm
Hi MaryJane so as you share a child you will need to follow Limited no contact but make sure that you follow this program and the advice otherwise. There are articles about how to complete NC when you share children.
Loulou
June 5, 2021 at 5:09 pm
Hi I just wanted to make a comment that I would really appreciate advise on , my ex is younger then me by a couple years and he says he’s not ready and doesn’t know when he will be , it’s very hard for him to be open with me and I think it’s because of lack of experience as this was he’s first ever serious relationship and because of how guys are brought up and social media saying “guys that show tears are not strong and a sign of weakness “ , do you think it’s he’s age that is making it hard for him to commit or just me I’m the problem and I’m just not the one for him.
Chloe
August 29, 2020 at 9:28 am
I was with my ex last year for a few months and the chemistry and Connection was electric. It ended because of my jealousy and fear of his large group of female friends. I regretted it and 6 months later he came back into my life and we dated a little bit but again we have broke apart due to him being flaky and non commital and maybe I wasn’t patient enough . He wants to stay friends if we can but I told him no as I wouldn’t be one of those female friends for him. I just feel super sad that it’s happened again and feel I want him in my life but not the way he wants and see he’s already dating someone new should I just give up and move on !!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 7, 2020 at 9:46 pm
Hey Chloe, I would suggest that you work on yourself and your self esteem so that you can learn to control your jealousy. Try following the program starting with No Contact and working the Ungettable information
Lia
June 30, 2020 at 12:35 am
I started seeing this guy three months ago. He was honest with me from the beginning and said he wasnt ready for a relationship as he had just gotten out of a relationship a month previous. We had an immediate connection and things just felt so easy with him, ae got along so well. There were a few occasions where I got upset that he hadn’t made plans to see me and he reiterated he wasnt ready to 100% commit. It was very obvious that I wanted a relationship, I couldnt help but want to see him all the time be cause we had such a good connection. We spoke about being exclusive and decided neither of us would see anyone else and both happy with this choice. A few days ago he ended it, said he wasnt ready for a relationship and it wasnt fair on me to continue. He was having family issues also and struggling to deal with the stress, I guess I wasnt helping by looking for so much attention. He said he had a lot going on and needed to sort his head out. Do you think he will change his mind, realise what we had and come back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 15, 2020 at 9:20 pm
Hi Lia, if you work on yourself and work to become Ungettable, using any mutual friends and social media to show that you are doing great without him then yes he can regret his decision to let you go. But if he is not ready for a relationship yet then all you can do is start dating casually until he is ready. While keeping that contact, follow a No Contact period then go into a texting phase after 30 days
Mira
January 21, 2020 at 6:09 pm
Hello! Really finding the blog helpful, as well as the advice offered in general. However, I wonder if you could advise me. I was dumped by text after seven months of a great relationship, we laughed (a lot) and he said that the chemistry between us was literally ‘electric’, as well as spending time with mutual family, mutual children and friends. We didn’t really row, although I am definitely sassy! But then he pulled back and eventually I decided to ask if he felt that he needed some space. He was shocked at my suggestion, but then sent a text (after days of silence) telling me essentially ‘I’m not ready for a relationship”. All his belongings are at my house as he ended it by text. So two issues: 1) I don’t have snapchat or Instagram or really use FB much. My ex has no interest at all in social media either. So I am a little uncertain as to how I can demonstrate how I am moving on (I’ve joined Tai- Chi and have also joined a Spanish class as well as keeping myself busy) during the no contact phase (its been nearly three weeks).
2) Do I make contact to suggest he picks up his stuff (some of which is very expensive) Or leave it for another two weeks?
BTW- my family and friends feel that he was punching above his weight (I don’t agree). I feel devastated, but I also want to move on with some pride intact, I feel so humiliated by the text dump. Please help!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 22, 2020 at 9:19 pm
Hey Mira, so if you want his things gone then you are able to send a short direct message telling your ex to collect their things are set time and day. Explain that you would like them to collect things as you are having a clear out and don’t want to throw things away that he may want. Then return into a no contact once done.
Lauren
January 5, 2020 at 6:02 am
Thanks for your advice
How long of NC would you suggest before doing the being there?
I read you need to wait for after the honeymoon phase. I honestly don’t think that will end anytime soon. Plus I feel he’d be distant if I were to start talking again or worse tell me to leave him alone
He seemed to leave it very open and on good terms in his final message to me. Makes me thing he’ll be open to rekindling if he becomes single again. He could have told me other things like I don’t see us working. More final things.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 5, 2020 at 11:11 pm
So we say when there is someone new around to do a 45 day No Contact, but it also gives you plenty of time to focus on yourself and see if you want to do the being there method at the time. Make sure you use social media to your advantage to show how great you are doing
Emma
January 4, 2020 at 10:53 pm
I started seeing this guy at the beginning of November. Everything seemed to be going really well. He seemed very keen on me, asking me on lots of dates to do things, introduced me to his work colleagues when we went iceskating with them (date 3) and told me that his housemates really liked me. He wanted to see me at least twice per week, even after we slept together early on.
After we dated for four weeks he went to USA to visit his family for Christmas (3 week holiday). Just before he went I asked him whether he saw us as exclusive, he said ‘well I’m not dating anyone else, are you?’ and I said no.
After he was on holiday for a week I noticed his Tinder location changed to USA so I asked him over text if he was still using the app as I wanted to know where I stood. The message I wrote was very unaccusing and grounded. He got defensive and said ‘I wouldn’t even ask you that question because I trust you, why are you using the app anyway’. I told him I was showing his pictures to my friend. After texting about this subject a little bit I said let’s leave it there I can tell you’re getting upset and it doesn’t need to be that big a deal, I just wanted to know where I stood. Then we both left it.
About a week later it was Christmas Day and we had a lovely conversation on the phone, he told me he had bought me some presents and was looking forward to me cooking for him when he got back etc.
3 days later he called me and said that he was a bit hasty about saying we were exclusive and wasn’t ‘sure yet’ whether he was ready to be exclusive, but that he still wanted to see me, he then asked me what I meant by exclusivity and I said I saw it as exclusive dating and we are nowhere near ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, that I just don’t do casual dating. He then said he wasn’t even sure if he was ready to be in a relationship and he knew it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. So we ended the call, not on bad terms and I was calm throughout and tried to be understanding, and he said he would text me and call again in a few days, this call was on Saturday and I haven’t heard from him since (1 week – bearing in mind we were texting every day prior to this). I thought he would text me on New Year but he didn’t and I haven’t contacted him at all since the call.
He has now returned from his holiday, is there anything I can do to get him to text me or is there a text I can send that would be suitable to say without pushing him but maybe showing that it’s ok to contact me? And if so, should I wait a certain amount of time before contacting? I’m not sure if no contact is suitable here because we never broke up but were only dating, so he’s not really an ex either. We never had an argument either but I think I was too nice and killed the desire.
I also have an inkling that maybe he has been talking to another girl and getting on well so didn’t want to shut the door on me before meeting her, in case it didn’t go so well.
Grateful for any advice you can give?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 8, 2020 at 4:22 pm
Hey Emma, so I wouldn’t reach out to him for 21 days of him coming home to see if he does get in touch with you, if he doesn’t by then you can message him something to see what sort of response you get. I think your gut is right that he has been talking to someone else as the switch in behavior suggests his attention is going else where while he was away, however when he comes back and is back to normal with you, I would assume that person is in the states not where you may be
Lauren
January 4, 2020 at 4:39 pm
Hello!
Me again! The girl who thought a first date with went really well (in July), but he did not want to see me again. Then someone I knew, Liz, matched on Bumble with him and thought he was perfect for me and convinced him to see me again….
Then we dated (July-October), but he became distant (from when I last saw him in October to November) and ended it (December 1st) saying he isn’t out of a selfish phase yet and can’t commit to me, and that I am incredible but he wished the timing was better. Then Liz contacted him a couple weeks later and told him he was making a mistake etc…
Well, I found out a couple of days ago, that he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who was at his family’s Christmas (I saw this through his brothers instagram).
Anyways I am devastated and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s an ex or someone new. I just don’t know.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 5, 2020 at 1:15 am
Hey Lauren so you need to do a No Contact for some time, and during that time read and implement Ungettable girl and the being there method. Following the information is how you are going to give yourself the chance to get your ex back
Jezell
January 3, 2020 at 2:36 pm
I ended things with my boyfriend over the past week as he was strangely acting distant after initially us having a wonderful relationship. This relationship lasted 5 months. I ended it by text saying I was confused what was going on and I clearly not what he was looking for and I was to step away. He later sent me a message confessing he was to get married last year but his fiancé jilted him (possibly cheated). I never knew about this story as this was the first time I heard about it. He said he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship and if it was any other time he wouldn’t have a reason not to be with me as he finds me amazing, funny and attractive. We both agreed not to cut contact as we had so much in common and got on. I sent him a message wishing him happy new year and said I want to stay in contact and one day have a round of golf together. He then messaged back saying he wants to stay in touch and happy new year but he wasn’t doing much for new year. I was stupid and messaged back saying I was here if he wanted to meet up for new year. No reply. I feel stupid now. Why did I message!? I should have left it.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 4, 2020 at 9:41 pm
Hey Jezell, so yeah it was not a good idea to reply but you just have to go into a no contact for the time being and allow your ex to wonder where you went, if they still have a chance with you and this is where you need to stick to No Contact for at least 30 days
Mel
December 31, 2019 at 5:01 pm
Hi Team!
So in the summer I went on a date with this guy I met on Bumble. Im 34, he’s 33. As crazy as it sounds the moment we went on our first date, I was in love. I thought we were perfect for each other. We just vibed so well and and had the same sense of humour, and were attracted to each other, and he was definitely into me because he kissed me. But after, I didn’t hear from him. So a week later I text and we text a bit the following days until finally he tells me that he is super busy in the summer and needs to focus on other things instead of dating. CLearly an excuse since he is on dating sites. I was crushed.
Then about 3 weeks later I get a text from him telling me something crazy happened and he’d love to go out with me again. Turns out a really old coworker of mine, met him matched with him Bumble and as they were talking she realized he is perfect for me and I would be perfect for him, so she asked him if she could match her with someone she knows. He agreed but needed a picture first. Clearly she sent a picture of me and he told her that we already dated but it didn’t work out. She told him he’s mistaken this girl is perfect for you, it’s fate, and he ended up giving me a second chance. The date was great, just like the first, and just like the first we made out.
After that we texted and went on other dates, and had sleepover ones. They were always so perfect. I couldn’t see what more he wanted. Thing is he only really saw me every 3 weeks or longer, and didn’t text me as often as I’d like, but I always played everything cool. I know he seemed to be busy. Over a months later, I noticed he deleted his dating apps. Now flash forward to mid October, I saw him, and when he left he said talk to you later. 10 days go by and I don’t hear from him, so I text him. He replied we chatted. Then after that he stopped really initiating text. I would every few days and he just go so hot and cold in messaging. Like one text would be something about doing something in the future (winter) with me, and one text would be a simple lol answer to something I initiated and texting very short.
I ask when we will see each other again, we agreed on a day (3 weeks after last time I saw him). He ended up canceling and did not reschedule. Again, he didn’t initiate texts, and I’d let days go by before chatting him up and again he’d be very hot and cold.
Finally December 1st rolls around. He breaks things off with me. He tells me I am incredible, but he isn’t out of a selfish phase yet and keeps not being able to commit to me, and it’s not fair for me. That I deserve better. He just wished he met me in better timing. I asked him to call me (I wanted some clarification) and we chatted. He told me he has been pushing back from lots of people lately and wants to spend more time with his friends and family who is has stopped seeing really. That it is nothing to do with me. I’m incredible. I was like if you truly thought that, you wouldn’t want to lose me. He goes I know and I might regret this decision down the road. I told him, well from my experience when someone ends it with me with reasons like needing to work on themselves, aren’t ready for commitment, or need time to themselves, I always find out they have a new girl or have a girl friend within 2 weeks. He laughed and told me well that isn’t going to be the case with him. He even deleted his apps because he doesn’t and can’t want a partner right now. I jokingly tell him well in 2 weeks text me and let me know.
Anyways so I go into NC. I honestly thought he was being truthful and going through something. I was hopeful, I thought he mentioned regretting the decision, maybe in weeks from now I can reconnect and he’d realize what he was missing…But none of that happened. I kind of did some deep digging on social media recently. Saw that he brought his girl friend to his family Christmas dinner. I am devastated. This is just 3 weeks after ending things with me (even though yes the last time I saw him was mid October). It’s pretty clear he was dating the two of us at the same time, and chose her over me, and I’m honestly crushed about it.
I don’t know what I should do. I truly felt we were perfect for each other and i really wanted a futute with him. Heck this girl I haven’t seen in a really long time also out 2 and 2 together about us. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 4, 2020 at 11:27 pm
Hi Mel, so you need to work on yourself enough to get over what you have been through lately. And read, read about the being there method, read about being ungettable and read about the no contact rule this will all help you deal with the break up and your emotions you have had to deal with lately
Lauren
December 28, 2019 at 5:07 am
Hello team!
Let me give you a quick background. I’m 34 and I met this guy who is 33 on Bumble, we went out and had an AMAZING first date. We just vibed instantly. It felt like I’ve known him forever and we had so much in common that I honestly thought we were perfect for each other and yes he initiated a steamy kiss so I really thought he felt the sparks too. But he didn’t pull the trigger for a second date. We talked but he didn’t ask me out again. So I sort of initiated a second date weeks later, and we did met up and it did go well, but I didn’t know where he stood, unlike the first date when I knew he was into me. Then of course a few days later he send me a text about how it was great to meet me but he is too busy for a relationship now so he doesn’t see it going further…I honestly was hurt because I thought we were a perfect match.
Then flash forward a month later. He texts me telling me something crazy happened and he’d like to go out with me again. I agreed and we went out. Turns out this girl Liz, who is my friend’s cousin and someone I used to work with, matched with him on Bumble a month after I last saw him. Started talking to him, and she thought this guy would be perfect for me based on his personality, likes, dislikes etc. and the type of girl he described as his ideal woman. So she actually brought up how she knows someone that would be perfect for him and if she had permission from him, she would set us up. He asked for a photo of the person first, and then he realized it was me, and told Liz we went out already but it didn’t work out. Liz convinced him to give me a second chance, saying we are perfect for each other, and that’s why he texted to go out with me again a month later. It was pretty crazy.
This date a month later went really well. He seemed super into me once again and well we dated for like 5 months after that. The thing is, he really only saw me once every 3-4 weeks. His doing, not mine. Which was something I wasn’t a fan of but I knew he was busy and I tried to play off as a joke every time I finally saw him.
Then November hit, we were supposed to see each other but he had to cancel to help his dad with something. Didn’t set a new date, and I barely heard from him, but we did chat a little bit. Then December 1st hits, and I get the break up. He apologizes for being so absent recently, and tells me he is not out of his selfish phase and he keeps not being able to commit to me and it is unfair for me. That I am incredible but he wished we met in better timing. We spoke a bit and he did seem a bit torn. Even mentioned how maybe he’d regret the decision, but mentioned he didn’t know if it was something missing between us that is the symptom of him not being able to commit or him needing to put himself first and prioritize other things in his life (as if he actually prioritized me ha!). Anyways he told me there wasn’t anyone else (I asked) and he wasn’t looking to date anyone right now.
Regardless I was upset, because I never felt a connection like that with someone before, and I just don’t understand how he couldn’t feel that it too. Anyways I just can’t let it go, you know. Like we are perfect for each other and I don’t know how he doesn’t see it. So I don’t want to give up on him. Which you might think I’m crazy for thinking. Anyways so I went into NC. I wasn’t planning 30 days, I was planning for a couple months actually. By that time, maybe my mind will change about him and I wouldn’t contact him at all, and maybe he would be in a different head space and open to me more.
However, there’s an issue. I saw Liz at Christmas, told her what happened since she stepped in. I didn’t know this but she took his number from my phone when I left it out. Today she told me she messaged him (almost a month after he ended it with me). Telling him that she thinks he is scared of commitment and thats why he only tried to see me once a month because he was scared to get close to me. That’s why he pushed me away and can’t commit to me. She told him he has nothing to fear with me, and went on and on about how great we would be together and how much of a perfect match we are. Told him he will regret his decision.
I am mortified! I don’t know what to do. Do I continue my NC for the few months I was planning, or do I break it now and say something to him about Liz. I don’t know what to do!
How long of a NC do you suggest? Do I address Liz’s message with him?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 2, 2020 at 11:49 pm
No do not address Liz message with him, ignore it all! It is not going to benefit you reaching out to him, what your friend has done, is just made him run even deeper into his “scared” cave. He will come out but you have to show him that when he does you are not sat around waiting for him, stick to your no contact start dating others and live your life. Showing through social media how amazing life is and how amazing you are. Look up the term Ungettable Girl and how to implement it to your life!
Serena
December 10, 2019 at 7:06 am
Hi,
It’s Serena again my ex and I broke up over a year ago and I wanted to know why he was so upset with me wanting to stop talking after we reconnected over the summer because he didn’t want to be in a relationship.
Anyways I understand that he basically wants me around as back up which isn’t a good sign. I’m essentially working on bettering myself and getting my self-esteem back trying to be ungettable again in the beginning and even in the middle of our relationship my ex was very happy to be with me but as time went on he was more unsure about our future. How long should I do a no contact it’s already been a month but I would like to go a bit longer to make sure I’m gonna look amazing when he sees me
Sarah
December 2, 2019 at 11:53 pm
Me again!
The girl who was seeing a guy for 5-6 months (but never became official) and decided he couldn’t be official with me right now because he is in a “selfish phase.” Or as he explained when he ended it, he needs to focus on himself and other things in his life right now that he can’t have a partner because he feels he can’t give them his 100%.
Anyways you suggested 30 days NC then reach out. I want to give him his space. I don’t care if it’s moths from now if I reach out. I’m not going to be sitting around waiting for him or anything. I’m going to be open to finding someone else because let’s face it his loss. But if months from now I’m still single and think of him, can I reach out on like 6 months from now? Will that ruin the chances more and I should do 30 days instead?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 6, 2019 at 6:52 pm
Hi Sarah, so what happens is after 66 days of not speaking to someone you get out of the habit of talking to them, so by the time 6 months has passed he will have changed who is somewhat and so would you have. So, yes you can reach out in 6 months time and treat it as in you’re getting to know him as a new person and rebuild your connection – friendship again
Serena
December 2, 2019 at 1:27 am
So my ex boyfriend and I broke up a while ago it’s been a year since the breakup and I’m having such a hard time moving on we spoke this past summer and he told me he’s not ready for a relationship now. So after thinking about it I realized I had to stop talking to him. When I had told him that we should stop talking to each other since I want a relationship and he doesn’t he got mad at me and told me that the entire time that we didn’t talk he missed me and I didn’t fall for it and stood my ground when I would text him he wouldn’t text me back and he would do these things in our relationship. My question is why would someone who doesn’t pay attention to me get so upset about me leaving?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 4, 2019 at 10:11 pm
Hi Serena, so even though he doesnt want a relationship with you right now or in the near future he does not like the thought of you walking away from him. Almost a fear of loss. Its not a bad thing, so make sure you stick to your word and do not speak to him at all for a while, he may even reach out to you to test to see if you would answer him. He likes the idea of you waiting on the sidelines for him to be ready to be with you again, like a security blanket
Sarah
December 1, 2019 at 5:19 pm
I was with a guy for about 5 months. Unfortunately we weren’t official but we were each not seeing other people. I was hoping he would commit to me, but just yesterday he told me he no longer can see me right now because he is in a selfish phase in his life and can’t make me a priority and he doesn’t want to do that to me. He wished the timing was different I am amazing but I deserve better.
Blah blah blah. The thing is I really felt we could have been perfect together if he was willing to give the chance. I don’t think 30 day NC would change his mind and make him realize what he is missing out. I feel he will be in the same headspace of not ready for commitment. I am willing to move on but I feel in the future I might think what if and want to try to contact him again.
Do you suggest no contact? If In his case for how long?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 1, 2019 at 10:42 pm
Hi Sarah yes start No Contact for 30 days and in that time work on dating others just to see how you feel when spending time with others. Work on becoming Ungettable too. In 30 days you can reach out to him as a friend and rebuild attraction, but make sure you are following the value chain so that he invest more into you and hopefully by that time is willing to commit to you properly in fear of losing you
Lil lil
November 23, 2019 at 5:07 pm
Hello !my ex broke up with me 4 months ago because we didnt have a good time the last months(we were together for almost 4 years).i applied the no contact rule for about a month and after i reached out 2-3 times in order to apologize for my behaviour and to persuade him to give me a second chance but he says he doesn’t want to be in A relationship and he doesn’t want to be with me again .. after that he texted me happy birthday wishes 2 weeks after and a week after that i texted him on his birthday too .its a week that we haven’t spoken at all,what should i do now?do i have any chances?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 23, 2019 at 11:26 pm
Hi Lil so you need to not reach out to him about relationship things, you need to reach out a friend and work on reattracting him rather than asking to get him back immediately. Look up Chris posts about the Value chain for you to fully understand how this works
Brianna
November 18, 2019 at 11:40 pm
12 month situationship-I’m potentially moving to a new city-finishing my last year of optometry school. We both met each other after coming out of a long term relationships with someone else. We enjoy each others company are always laughing with one another, have similar interests and goals, are just happy to be around each other. I’m trying to figure out where my next career stop is in about 6 months and asked him what we were doing; he said he didnt know and always assumed I was moving away-I told him I hadn’t made that decision- and then 1 week later said he didn’t want to have the pressure of me deciding based on him. The ending was very good-I felt dignified and optimistic in front of him (although dying inside) and I felt like I could see the confusion on his face. What do I do from here?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 23, 2019 at 1:25 pm
Hi Brianna, so completing the No Contact and then reaching out at the end in a positive and friendly way NOT ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP but just as a friend and re build your connection gradually.
Mwiza
November 17, 2019 at 8:02 am
Hie Chris.
So my ex ended things with me because he’s scared of something bad happening between us. He did say that he still wants us to be cool and still talk and the interesting thing about this was that he said he still loves me., and he hopes that I’ll take him back one day. Our relationship was good. And we had just clocked a year.. Basically he said realized that I’m just above the average girl and he’s scared of both of us getting hurt in the future.. I’m 18 days into the NC rule.. what should I do?
I also accidentally butt dialed him and cancelled immediately and he texted asking if I called. I haven’t responded and decided to ignore it.. does that mean I broke the NC rule?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 23, 2019 at 1:20 am
Hey Mwiza so as long as it was accidental and you have not replied to text then that isnt breaking NC. Look up the posts Chris has made about being Ungettable girl. this is what you need to do next to show him you are not worth walkign away from. As for above average. Do not sell yourself short. Tell yourself he is the best thing he is ever going to get and it is his loss if he doesnt realise his mistake
Al
November 17, 2019 at 3:14 am
My boyfriend broke up with me after over two years together, we were living together. His reasons were timing, he had become too dependent on me, he hadn’t been fair on me and he wanted to work on himself. I supported him while he was studying and I was working full time. He was suffering from anxiety and saying that being in a relationship is not what he needed. I gave so much of myself and he made it look so easy to walk away.
Ally
November 15, 2019 at 12:57 am
9 month relationship and ex randomly one day tells me he is worried about the future and if I’m “the one.” He says he has never felt this way about someone or been this serious with someone. The entire relationship was great and never had a doubt in my mind that he was feeling this way. He had nothing bad to say at the break up except that he had this feeling of uncertainty of the future and also if he needed more time to himself before the relationship. Break up was very mature and ever since I have been in no contact for 11 days. What to do next/any hope? Or give up?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 18, 2019 at 8:16 pm
Hi Ally, well done on getting this far, but keep to 30 days and work on yourself in that time so that you are living your life and appear to be the ungettable girl that you can be and then he will realise hes missed out on some amazing times with you and that should draw him back in. Posting to social media about the amazing things you are doing for him to sit on the outside looking in will help you