If you are already in the process of winning your ex back and have been having good interactions, it can be frustrating when your ex-boyfriend blocks any attempt to get back together.
An ex-boyfriend might try to put obstacles in the way of a reunion even when he tells you he misses you or has feelings for you.
To help you navigate your way through the situation this article is going to teach you about:-
- The reasons he says he misses you.
- Why he doesn’t want to get back together.
- The Commitment Pyramid.
Getting through your no-contact period to win your ex back can be difficult, and for many of our subscribers the texting phase of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery programme is even harder…. But the really big challenge is getting over the last hurdle to win your ex back.
After you have established texting dialogue and built some rapport; it is normal for him to reasonably guess that you want to get back together (although you shouldn’t be directly asking).
As your ex-boyfriend becomes more certain that you are looking for more than just a friendship, he will begin to question if he wants to get back together….
Unfortunately if he is still uncertain then your ex will resist any efforts to reconcile or move things forward and you might be met with phrases like:-
“I’m not looking for anything serious”
“I’m not ready yet”
“I don’t have time for a girlfriend”
There are several reasons an ex might say he still misses you and it is useful for you to think about which of these applies to your situation.
Reasons He Says He Misses You
Below I have compiled a list of the most popular reasons for why an ex boyfriend misses you.
The Bruised Ego
One reason an ex might say he is misses you, is that he is feeling lonely and insecure. Perhaps he has not been receiving the level of female attention he had hoped for as a single man.
If this is the case your ex might tell you he misses you to see if you feel the same. If your ex does this he is seeking validation for his ego, he is hoping that he is attractive enough for you to still miss him. Hearing that you still miss him basically stops him from feeling like a total loser.
I have to admit when I was single and wasn’t ready to settle down there was one ex I would periodically contact to boost my ego. They would ask if we should meet up and go on a date and I would make some lame excuse about being too busy or living too far away.
The reason I would text was because I missed the attention they gave me even though I didn’t want to date them.
The back-up plan
Another reason an ex-boyfriend might say he misses you is because he wants a back-up plan. This is most commonly associated with ex-boyfriends suffering from the Grass is Greener syndrome.
After a breakup, there is a period of time where your ex-boyfriend will have doubts over whether he has made the right decision about breaking-up. During this time period an ex will wonder if he could manage to find a new girlfriend who is better than you, if he feels unsure he may try to keep you as a back-up plan that he can return to later on.
The best way for your ex-boyfriend to keep you as a back-up plan is to give you a small amount of hope for the future by telling you he misses you but doesn’t want to get back together…
Why would he do this?…. he believes you will wait around in case he means he “doesn’t want to get back together……. Yet”.
That last word makes a huge difference as it shifts a breakup from being permanent to being temporary. Your ex-boyfriend knows that this possibility is enough to keep you around in case his life doesn’t work out as planned.
The Friends with Benefits setup
Much like the previous reason on our list an ex-boyfriend might tell you he misses you but doesn’t want a relationship. Instead he is trying to set-up for a Friends with Benefits arrangement.
Your ex-boyfriend probably knows that a lot of women believe that if you have sex, then a man will fall in love and want to get back together. By saying he misses you he can lay some foundations for a Friends with Benefits situation knowing you might accept it in the hope that it leads to something more later.
If your ex is being overly flirtatious and saying he misses you but putting in no effort or saying he doesn’t want to get back together this is a red flag for a potential friends with benefits situation.
He actually misses you
Not all reasons an ex-boyfriend will say he misses you are bad, in fact the last one on the list will cheer you up a bit.
Sometimes ex-boyfriends are not that complicated and the reason they say that they miss you is actually because they miss you!
If your ex tells you he misses you but doesn’t want to get back together, it could mean that your ex is uncertain about whether a reunion would be successful. When this happens, your ex needs to see visible changes in you and improvement for a potential relationship in the future.
As always the key to winning your ex over is to “Show, don’t tell”…. You have to demonstrate to your ex that a reunion would result in a better relationship, you can‘t try to verbally convince him.
Why he doesn’t want to get back together
The next area I am going to talk about will cover the reasons he is resisting getting back together with you and avoiding a commitment.
Fear of repetition
An ex-boyfriend can avoid getting back together because he is worried that you might break-up again. If this is the case he is worried about putting you through a painful situation again.
He is also worried that if he gives you a second chance and then re-breaks up with you that you will resent him for it.
He doesn’t believe in second chances .
This is a reason I can personally relate to. When I was younger I was a big believer in not giving an ex a second chance, I genuinely believed that it was called a break-up because it was broken and that it was better move on than revisit the past.
Obviously, my views on this have changed a lot.
My opinion actually changed a few years back, I broke up with someone when I didn’t feel the relationship was going anywhere. At first I felt free, and they wanted to get back together but at that point I didn’t believe in second chances….. then time started to pass and I realized that maybe I had made the wrong decision because I missed them.
After a while longer my view changed and I thought maybe I should give it another shot. My point is that maybe your ex doesn’t believe in second chances today but that doesn’t mean that they won’t tomorrow.
He has someone new
This reason is one of those things you won’t want to hear about. If your ex is seeing someone new then this is almost certainly the reason he is saying he doesn’t want to get back together.
However if your ex is telling you he still misses you, then it is fair to assume that he still has feelings for you and the new girlfriend is a rebound relationship that is helping to distract him from the breakup.
You have not have changed
An ex-boyfriend might be reluctant to take you back because they feel you haven’t changed.
After a break-up men and women text their ex’s telling them things will be different and promise to change, however, the reality is most people don’t make the effort to change.
Because of this, your ex-boyfriend is going to have legitimate reservations about getting back together with you.
Different futures or backgrounds
This reason is a difficult one to overcome. If you and your ex-boyfriend have extremely different hopes for your futures then this is going to cause long term challenges in a relationship especially if neither of you is open to compromise. This might include things like:-
- Where you live – relevant for Long Distance Relationships.
- Whether you want children – relevant for all relationships
- What church you go to – relevant to interfaith relationships.
These kind of big ticket items can be deal-breakers in any relationship. If you and your ex don’t see eye to eye on subjects like these then although he misses you, an ex-boyfriend may be reluctant to commit to a relationship as is will struggling to see a future with you.
To overcome these kind of reservations you will need to align your futures through mutual compromise and work towards illustrating to your ex that a future together is both feasible and desirable.
We have all been in a situation where someone has decided for whatever reason that being in a relationship with us is less important then something else in their life.
Perhaps that’s their career, perhaps it’s their social life, it could even be their health.
I have been in this exact situation before. An ex needed to focus on things that were a higher priority than our relationship at the time. Giving time to the relationship was time that was being taken away from their other priorities.
My view is that we all have the same amount of time in our lives…. 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week, so we have to ration how we allocate it, and we do this by prioritizing what is most important to us. How your ex-boyfriend allocates his time before and after a breakup can be a good indicator for his intentions towards your relationship.
If he is replying to your texts in a timely fashion then you are still on his priorities list somewhere.
Your ex-boyfriend can still miss you when they have other priorities in their life that they would like to focus on but these will make him reluctant to get into another relationship.
The Commitment Pyramid
What can you do if your ex-boyfriend is avoiding a relationship and a commitment with you?
There are several methods you can use such as getting him to chase you, getting him to make a series of small investments of time and money in you, jealousy, and finally making him think you are moving on.
All of these are great but what can you do if the problem isn’t you, how do you handle an ex who just isn’t ready for a relationship and is emotionally unavailable?
There is a way to tackle it however it will require continued and persistent effort on your part to win your ex-back.
This concept of a Commitment Pyramid is something I have teased out of long existing method for motivation called the Hierarchy of Needs.
What the Commitment Pyramid shows is that there are several things people need in their life before they are looking for a serious relationship. In the pyramid there are five different levels of seriousness a guy has when it comes to dating, these vary from not interested, right through to marriage.
Each of these levels on the left-hand side outlines a level of personal achievement a man has in his life and correlates to a level of potential relationship on the right.
Starting at the bottom of the left pyramid you have guys who are in survival mode, these guys are probably looking for a one night stand at best but generally are not interested in girls at all; they are too busy trying to stay alive to think about anything more.
Guys in this zone tend to be struggling to pay their bills, put food on the table, and may not have stable housing. I actually met a really nice guy a few years ago, who was in the unfortunate position of living in his car… despite the fact that he was a popular guy and there were attractive girl’s flirting with him he was 100% not interested.
He understood that he didn’t have the time or the money to date so took the decision to avoid it all together as his focus was getting enough money together to find a proper place to live. This is a good example of how a man thinks when he is on the bottom rung of the pyramid.
The second rung, covers a guy’s need for a job, good health, and “stuff”- personal belongings, clothes, phone, car and other things of that nature. If your guy has health issues, depression, addictions, is extremely unhappy with his work situation or can’t afford to purchase non-essential items, then he is probably just looking to be friends or friends with benefits.
The third level, covers an ex-boyfriend’s need to feel close to people emotionally, he will want friends and family. If your ex feels he is trusted in life and has people he can trust he will be open to the idea of a formal dating.
This would correlate with what I would call the “uncommitted-committed relationship”…… basically the sort of dating before everyone gets serious and starts talking about the future.
The fourth level covers an ex-boyfriend’s need to feel respected, acknowledged, and good about himself.
This is usually when he has achieved a status in his profession he is comfortable with. When this happens an ex-boyfriend will start to open himself to the possibility to a long-term relationship.
The fifth and final level, is the magical level.
If a guy is at this level he feels comfortable he has achieved enough in his life to be remembered and accepted for who he is…. He feels like he has contributed and made his mark on the Earth.
When he has done this then he is going to be open to the idea of marriage.
The Commitment Pyramid works like this, if a man is at the bottom of the levels for personal achievement he isn’t going to be looking for the top level in a relationship. Essentially this model highlights how his personal achievement relates to the extent of his emotional availability for dating.
For example, an ex-boyfriend is on the middle level of personal achievement (friendship, family and intimacy), this means he is at a point in his life where he will consider any relationship type up to and including dating and the “uncommitted-committed relationship.”
How high up you go as a potential girlfriend depends on how well you are doing in terms of your own personal investment in health, wealth and relationships.
I am sure some of you are sat there feeling bewildered because you want to get married but your ex hasn’t reached the top level of personal achievement yet…. Well here is the clever part, by helping him achieve things higher up the levels you can open up opportunities for a more substantial relationship.
To do this you must start at on the bottom rungs and work upward, you cannot skip rungs as they have to come in order…. It’s like building a house, you need to put the foundations in, then the walls and finally the roof….
Now there is a good way to help him achieve things in his life and there is a not so good way to help him achieve things……
You need to be there cheering on the side-lines, showing support and being positive.
What you don’t want to do is tell him how to do it, teach him, nag him or dissect his problems.
In short you need to be the cheerleader, not the coach…. The role of the coach is already taken by his mother. Just remember no guy wants to date his mother so don’t try to steal her job.
Looking at the pyramid you can easily identify how you can get into the Long Term Relationship rung…. Simply by showing respect, boosting his confidence and lifting his self esteem.
Try to avoid filling the gaps in the pyramid levels for him yourself, this might include things like finding him a job, buying him things, listening to all his problems like a therapist, giving him a place to stay etc. Whilst these may seem kind acts, he will perceive that you feel he is incapable of doing these things himself.
If you do this your ex-boyfriend will not feel respected by you and this will affect his confidence and this will actually prevent you from entering into a long-term relationship. Instead of pushing him through the levels of achievement, you should encourage him and give him positive reinforcement when he does something right for himself.
Even though an ex-boyfriend says he misses you he might resist re-entering into a relationship.
Getting your ex to recommit to a relationship takes an understanding of his reservations and you will need to use these to improve yourself and your situation however not all breakups are caused by you, sometimes they relate to how ready your ex-boyfriend is for a serious relationship.
By using the commitment pyramid you can work towards readying your ex-boyfriend for a higher level of commitment and a stronger relationship than you had before when you get back together.