Having an ex boyfriend be hot and cold towards you can be very confusing. Often you’ll ask yourself why he is so hot and cold only to learn you have no idea.

Today I aim to provide the answers you are desperately seeking by taking real life hot and cold situations and dissecting them for you.

If you read this article in its entirety it is going to teach you why your ex boyfriend is being so hot and cold, what he really means when he goes cold and most importantly it is going to teach you exactly what to do if your ex gives you these kind of mixed signals.

Let’s begin!

Your Exes Hot And Cold Behavior… What He Does Vs. What He Really Means

For this article I thought it would be a good idea to do something I’ve never done before and take real life situations from my clients and dissect what an ex actually means when he goes cold.

Over 50 clients responded to my request each with unique hot and cold behaviors from their guys and I took that behavior and literally categorized them into groups that sounded similar.

In the end there were five total categories that I’d like to dissect here for you today.

  1. He says he loves you and then says he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore
  2. He consistently sends you positive text messages and then suddenly becomes unresponsive
  3. He continually makes plans to see you and then keeps finding excuses to cancel
  4. He talks about getting married only to claim he isn’t interested anymore
  5. The two of you slept together and he literally doesn’t respond to you afterwards

Basically what I am going to do is take each one of these hot and cold categories and explain exactly what is going through your ex boyfriends mind when he does these things.

However, before I jump in there is one thing I’d like to discuss with you and it does have to do with these five categories.

First You Need To Understand Why Your Guy Is So Hot And Cold

When compiling my five categories and trying to dissect why an ex acts cold I noticed an interesting consistency among their behaviors.

It’s this idea of an internal conversation.

I’ve been doing this a long time and one thing I’ve learned in my decade of research is that all important decisions happen internally.

Sure, you can impress your ex with how you look or what you say but in the end it’s when they are left alone with that little voice in the back of their head that really seals the deal.

Think of it like this.

That little voice in the back of your exes mind isn’t on your side either. It’s always looking for what I like to refer to as the bigger and better deal.

Any little thing that it can pick at and use as a way to push you away it is going to take.

As we go through the five behaviors in this article I want you to pay attention to how often the reasoning behind an ex going cold is due to this internal conversation.

Hot And Cold Behavior #1: He Says He Loves You And Then Tells You He Doesn’t Have Feelings Anymore

This was without a doubt the most common hot and cold behavior I experienced in my research. Here is how it typically works.

You and your ex experience something exciting or happy together.

This leads him to say a statement like this,

I love you

I enjoy being around you so much

I don’t know what I’d do without you

I never want this to end

I love you more than I’ve loved anyone before

Obviously this leads you to believe that your ex is experiencing strong feelings for you.

Fast forward a few weeks and the two of you experience a breakdown or a massive fight which leads him to literally tell you one of the following.

I never loved you anyways

I don’t have feelings for you anymore

I don’t look at you that way

I don’t know how I feel about you

You get the gist.

It’s interesting.

One of my favorite success stories of all time literally experienced this during her breakup.

Notice how in the video she is referring to the fact that a lot of women experience this “narrative” from their ex boyfriends.

However, one thing she didn’t cover was exactly why an ex would say these contradictory things.

Well, that’s what I am here for.

What It Means When An Ex Acts This Way

You’ve heard that old adage,

When emotions run high, logic runs low

The explanation for this particular hot and cold behavior is going to rely on that quote quite a bit.

So, is it simply a function of your ex getting emotional and saying something he doesn’t mean.

Not exactly.

In my experience it really boils down to the impulsive nature of people in relationships. Everything becomes magnified which means seemingly insignificant things can become significant.

You’ll notice this hot and cold behavior coming during hot and cold moments.

I’ll give you an example.

If you are having a really great date with your ex and things are becoming exciting that is when you are likely to hear the,

“I love you”

Type phrases.

And if you and your ex get into a fight or something causes friction between the two of you then that is when you are likely to hear the,

“I never loved you”

Type phrases.

Do you get it?

Hot And Cold Behavior #2: He Sends You Positive Text Messages And Then Suddenly Becomes Unresponsive

By far the second most popular behavior occurred when my clients guys were hot and cold texting them.

So, what does this typically look like?

Let’s say that you are texting your ex boyfriend and he hits you with something like this.

Ultimately when receiving this text message you begin to believe that your ex is really enjoying his conversation with you.

It seems pretty plain, right?

And yet, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen women in this exact situation only to have their exes pull the rug out from under them and suddenly become unresponsive.

There’s a lot to unpack here so let’s get started.

What An Ex Becoming Unresponsive In Text Usually Means

Believe it or not but this is a situation I encounter a lot.

Generally speaking what this means is that the conversation with you is becoming boring.

Now, I can hear you getting your pitchforks ready but hear me out.

As human beings we all tend to be self interested.

In other words, we always want to do what is best for ourselves.

This bleeds into many aspects of our lives.

Especially conversations with people.

Time is our most valuable commodity and if at any point we feel like we are wasting our time talking to someone then we are going to quit doing it.

Here is my hypothesis for you.

Whenever your ex made the “I miss you..” statement your texting conversations were intriguing and interesting. However, somewhere along the way that stopped and they started boring him.

Hence, your ex becomes unresponsive.

I’ve literally done this to girls before in my life because I would think to myself,

This is too much of a hassle to continue having a conversation with this person.

It kind of sucks to hear about but it does definitely happen.

Hot And Cold Behavior #3: He Makes Plans To See You And Then Consistently Cancels

This was actually a hot and cold behavior that occurred to one of my clients a lot.

For close to three months everything was going great for her and then one day she calls me up very excited about the fact that her ex boyfriend finally asked her out on a date.

A few days later he cancels.

Of course, I get another call from her complaining about this but she holds on to hope because he did express interest in rescheduling.

A few days later go by and he cancels again.

Oh, but he does offer to reschedule of course.

And on and on the cycle goes.

So, what the heck is going on here?

It almost seems as if he is leading my client on, right?

Well, I actually have a lot to say about why this behavior occurs because I have done this exact thing to women before.

What This Behavior Really Means

When I was 22 years old I went on a date and it went really well.

  • She was good looking.
  • Our conversation was great.
  • Even my friends thought she would be perfect for me.

However, for whatever reason I just wasn’t feeling it. This ultimately led me to put her in this perpetual cycle of promising dates that would never occur.

Thinking back, I think it all boiled down to one moment.

I met this girl in one of my college classes.

She sat right in front of me and one day while we were listening to a lecture I happened to look over her shoulder and saw her writing a love not.

Naturally, me being a snoopy person I read a little bit of the letter and quickly determined that she was writing this letter to someone who was in jail and wasn’t going to be coming out for a year.

This told me a few interesting things about her.

  • She must have been in love with this jailbird
  • She is fine with dating someone in jail
  • She probably likes “bad boys”

This information immediately made me lose respect for her.

And once you learn information like this you can’t unlearn it.

So, even though she was pretty and had so much going for her I couldn’t quite get past what I knew about her,

I think this kind of thing happens a lot with exes.

Remember that internal voice I was talking about before?

Remember how I said it can latch on to one specific thought and just let that thought ruin things.

Well, that is exactly what happened to me in the story above and you are at a high risk of having it happen to you simply because you and your ex have a lot of history. There are a lot of memories for him to draw upon.

Hot And Cold Behavior #4: He Talks About Getting Married Only To Claim He Isn’t Interested Anymore

Interesting story here.

One of my clients actually told me that not only did her ex do this but he actually went house hunting with her only to claim it never even happened.

In other words, he went into a complete denial with regards to reality.

Now, that is the only time I’ve ever heard of this happening. What is more likely to happen is your ex to literally talk about getting married to you only to do a complete 180 a few days later.

Maybe I’m in the minority here but I never thought it was that big of a deal if your ex boyfriend tells you he wants to marry you.

Let me tell you a story.

I’m almost 30 years old now and when I think back to when I was 18 years old and in my first relationship I told that girl everything from,

I love you…

to

I’m going to marry you one day…

I was 18 and experiencing these strong feelings for the first time and had absolutely no clue on what kind of a commitment I was talking about.

I just said it because that is what you do in those circumstances when you get swept up in your emotions.

Nevertheless, let’s take an ex who actually takes marriage at its face value and means it when he says it.

What He Really Means When He Goes Cold Here

Put simply it means that you are going too fast too soon.

Seems cliche, right?

It’s not.

In case you didn’t know, I am a happily married man and absolutely love it.

However, there was a couple of points where I got “scared” and felt that we were moving too fast too soon.

Those two moments were,

  1. When I went apartment shopping with her for the first time
  2. When I purchased the engagement ring for her

I wouldn’t classify those moments as me getting “cold feet” because if it was me getting cold feet I wouldn’t have went through with things. However, I would classify those as moments that made me frightened because of how fast things were moving.

Notice the type of commitments attached to those things.

Apartment shopping means you will be potentially living with this person for a long time.

An engagement ring means you will be spending your life with this person.

HUGE commitments.

Having an ex go cold in instances like these are indicative of him freaking out because of how fast things are moving.

Hot And Cold Behavior #5: You Slept Together And He Doesn’t Respond To You Afterwards

It’s funny, I literally just filmed a video where I was talking about sleeping with an ex and why it’s probably not the best idea.

Here’s the thing.

I’ve been doing this for a very long time and one thing I’ve noticed is that usually when you sleep with an ex it doesn’t end up well.

In my article on The Ungettable Girl I make a pretty compelling case for men falling for women they can’t have.

And therein lies the big issue with sleeping with your ex.

Now, I get it.

I understand why you did it if you did sleep with your ex.

You are thinking that he is going to magically wake up and look at you in this new way.

However, it doesn’t quite work out that way.

What Him Going Cold Here Really Means

Remember what I said above about men falling for women they can’t have.

This is kind of the exact opposite of that, isn’t it?

The reason your ex suddenly disappears and wants nothing to do with you after you slept together is probably due to the fact that he got what he wanted from you.

Now, you may find that the opposite actually occurs and he texts you all the time but only wanting sex.

This is another behavior I see a lot among my clients.

13 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriends Hot And Cold Behavior Really Means”

  1. Avatar

    Emily

    January 18, 2019 at 5:58 pm

    This is great but I really wish it made suggestions on how to handle it best or what to do to fix it.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 18, 2019 at 8:20 pm

      It all comes back to creating value and attraction or reinforcing it and that is a process accomplished through many tactics and also the effect time has on the male psyche.

  2. Avatar

    Siobhan

    January 16, 2019 at 3:17 am

    Hi Chris,

    Ex and I dated for 3.5 years, lived together the past 5 months. He broke up with me in August of this past year, but we got back together after a week because he said he’d made the wrong decision and was just unhappy with himself. We move in together, and all is well. Then on January 1st (a great way to start the new year) he tells me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. We both move out of the apartment and are living separately.

    I am day 3/21 into NC and I just have a lot of worries and a lot of doubt. He has said he loves me, but he doesn’t want to fix our relationship (there were never any major problems, just some tension and things like that), but that he is “open to having his mind changed about that in the future”. Says he wants to take this time to make himself a better person, and to focus on his passions and goals. When he broke up with me, he said he wasn’t going to actively look for anyone else or download Tinder. I found out a few days later that he is already pursuing another girl (not a relationship, just some flirting I think) and has downloaded Tinder.

    Also, today he removed pics of us from his SM, but also randomly visited me at work to say hi.

    Super mixed signals going on kind of all over the place.

    Any guidance?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 16, 2019 at 4:00 am

      Hi Siobhan…I know….those mixed signals can be confusing. But keep you focus on your recovery and healing and doing those things I talk about in my Program. I think you ex is caught up in between feelings and needs to find himself and also realize he has taken your value for granted. This can come in time.

  3. Avatar

    Michelle

    December 29, 2018 at 4:47 am

    Hi Chris,
    I have no idea what to do anymore. He is incredibly hot and cold and he is my bf. I was away last week for 5 days and after 2 days he breaks up with me saying never contact me again, we aren’t meant to be, being extremely cold. Then the next day calling me a bunch of times saying please I need help coping and when I answer him it’s like nothing is wrong. He’s like I acted that way because I didn’t see you for a couple of days and when I brought it up it was like he was just kidding. Then after he’s so lovey dovey for 2 days saying how much he loves and misses me and how god put me on this earth for him. Its been a week and he’s back to his grumpy, depressed, unsure self. I am scared to do a full no contact because the situation is a little complicated in the fact that he is debating whether to move back to Australia or not and within the next couple of weeks. I think I am just holding on for a couple of more weeks because he got laid off in October and he starts his job again soon. That is where all of our problems started. Everything was great up until then and now there’s so many things in the way like his ex who lives in Australia, he has a house there with her that is being fixed up to sell so that is stressing him out. He is super depressed and hates living in new York. Always wants to be alone and needing space. I can definitely tell that he is becoming more distant. He has broken up with me so many times in the past 2 months. All of this back and forth is driving me insane. I love him so much but I don’t know what to do besides no contact (which i’m holding off on because I’m afraid he will leave). He weirdly blocked me on Instagram last week and for some reason he won’t unblock me. Not sure if it has to do with his ex or not but the whole situation is so bizarre. It’s like we are good for a few days and then he goes to work, sits in his truck and just gets in his head so much. What is the best piece of advice for my situation? Thank you!

  4. Avatar

    Erica

    December 28, 2018 at 2:00 pm

    Thank you for your quick answer Chris.
    Yes, I understand but… I miss him and I know we could use another chance. While building rapport he talked about our connection and the sparkle being still there, he even told me that I still made him happy. But whenever he got closer, he took a step back, even if I always acted cool in order to not “scare” him off. He was like holding himself back. This is why I need to keep fighting but… I don’t know what to do. I try to supercharge my inner UG but I don’t even know if he is paying attention to my social media and all…

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 2:22 am

      Hi again Erica!

      He probably will be paying attention…most guys do.

  5. Avatar

    Erica

    December 27, 2018 at 11:51 pm

    I lived the hot and cold situation for a year, after the break up and NC, while building rapport. He started to get distant and the hot-cold thing were too much, so I did an 60 days NC (I had done mini NCs before and he always texted). He didn’t text and when I did (a text which was nice, friendly, cool and interesting, I have read your posts about it and I was prepared), he didn’t text back.
    I am afraid he may be dating another girl. But I don’t know anything, he even dissappeared from social media (except for one, but we are not friends there since he created his account after the break up). I don’t have clues. I can’t text him again, he never did the no-answer thing, sometimes he waited days before even read, but he always texted back. He didn’t even text me on my birthday (in the middle of my 60 days nc) or for christmas. Texting him again would be useless.
    I played the UG game well, but is not working. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid that he may be with another girl or… I don’t know.
    Can you help me, please?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 28, 2018 at 12:02 am

      Hi Erica!

      Obviously, we can’t control what our exes choose to do in their lives. Whether it be ignoring you or exploring another relationship. All we can do is put our best plan forward and implement as well as we can, which you have done. So turn your focus on whatever continued healing and recovery you need for yourself. Focus on being the best “you”, not for him, but for yourself. He knows where to find you and if he chooses not to pursue, it’s his loss.

  6. Avatar

    Jessica

    December 25, 2018 at 6:15 am

    I cheated on my ex. He found out and we broke up. This was 6 months ago. Since then, I dated, me and him kept talking but it never amounted to anything. Fast forward a few months, in September we met up and he wants to try and fix things with me. I’ve done a lot to make things work and regain his trust. The main issue is when we broke up, he was so mad he told family and friends what had happened. They now hate me… We’ve now been hanging out for a few months and things are going well. But he is still not ready to commit and tell people me and him are dating again. What do I do? It’s as if he loves being with me but he doesn’t know how to take that next step. He says he is trying and if he was leading me on he wouldn’t be seeing me at all. I know it’s a big thing to move past but I made a big mistake and I’ve done so much to fix things. I just have a lot of anxiety and thoughts that he’s playing me or he’s just now seeing me for convenience.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 25, 2018 at 11:34 pm

      Hi Jessica!

      Just think in terms of little steps. Keep building these positive memories and moments. Trust will continue to build. Then when its time to talk about commitment, its best if he initiates it.

  7. Avatar

    Rach

    December 21, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    I did no contact and then reached out and he answered and was really responsive. We talked for a few days straight catching up and eventually we followed each other back on all social media. We typically only communicate through Snapchat and once we added each other back on there, we snapped and texted for a couple more days but it felt like we were just jumping right back into things so quickly without talking about our breakup and where things went wrong in our relationship. I didn’t want the same mistakes or unresolved issues to ruin us again so I texted him saying that there’s some things we need to talk about and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m not sure what to do now.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 21, 2018 at 11:35 pm

      Hi Rach!

      Just take a pause. If he can’t come around to agreeing to talk honestly about things, then obviously he is not ready and if that is the case, then you should take a longer pause. Be sure to tap into all the resources and tools you can find on my Home Page to help you with successfully implementing my Program!

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