What if I were to tell you that Coach Anna has found new research that proves your ex is hardwired to care about you.

Sounds too good to be true, right?

Well, it’s actually not as it was the topic of our latest podcast interview.

Check it out.

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Your Ex May Be Hardwired To Care About You

Chris Seiter:
All right. Today, Anna and I are tackling a big subject and that’s basically trying to help you determine if you ex still cares. Basically, what you’re going to get out of this podcast episode or YouTube, wherever you’re watching this is we’re going to be diving into the science of longing, yearning and nostalgia, but specifically, Anna was telling me something really fascinating before we started recording. She believes, and the science backs her up on this, your ex is hardwired to where they can’t just forget about you. They are hardwired to specifically care about you, so that answers the question of if your ex still cares about you, but we’re going to kind of give you the why and help you apply it to your situation, so that you can get great results going forward.

Chris Seiter:
Anyways, my cohost, partner in crime, Anna, is here. We’re just going to try to tackle this in the most organic way possible. You were telling me about research. I feel like we should just dive into the new research because that was the thing that was fascinating to me.

Anna:
Yeah. This is where I was geeking out, as usual. Right?

Chris Seiter:
Right.

Anna:
Because in college, what were some of my majors, physics and neuroscience, so I love science and stuff.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, I didn’t know that.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
I didn’t know that.

Anna:
Well, three of them, Women’s Studies, Neuroscience, and Physics, so I’m a big geek, science geek.

Chris Seiter:
You’re perfect for this job. You’re perfect for breakup job.

Anna:
Yeah. I actually think so because I love thinking about the science of relationships because it helped me try to understand.

Chris Seiter:
You’re getting the neuroscience, but also, you’re getting the women’s studies because most of our client… we do get men, but the vast majority are women.

Anna:
Yeah. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
You’re right where you belong.

Anna:
Okay. Well, it was really interesting. There was actually a study that was published this year and it was done… I think the research was done last year, but it’s essentially the science of longing for loved ones. That study found that reuniting with our partners activates a unique cluster of brain cells, which motivates us to establish life-long relationships. Now, interestingly, if you’ve ever heard me talk about this in the ERP Facebook group because I talk about this all the time, or if you’ve ever coached with me, human males have a varied number of receptors, which are known in other mammals to gate or, in layman’s terms, to meter the degree of monogamous behavior that they have, which when you measure them for genetic variants, that’s fancy speak, it could have an effect on the amount of oxytocin in men, which is the neurochemical involved in bonding and connection, one of the five.

Anna:
This body of literature suggests that different people, and in the very least men, have a different biology from women. Some men may be more or less wired for monogamy than others, which means also that couples may or may not be meant to stick together depending on different factors, but in this particular study, it was a brain imagining study of prairie voles, which are… Okay, it sounds funny, but prairie voles are among only about 5% of mammalian species besides humans who are monogamous. When there’s a lot of relationship studies done, it’s often done with prairie voles. All right?

Anna:
It was found that when it comes to forming bonds, longing or yearning is just as important as actually being together with that person. It sheds light on a number of things, including why it’s so hard for everyone to be socially distant from one another. It could also lead to new therapies I think for conditions like autism and depression. Anyway, so I’m off topic, but when it comes to forming long-term bonds, our longing for a partner is as important as, if not more important than, how we react when we’re with them. All right?

Anna:
In order to maintain relationships over time, there has to be obviously some motivation to be with that person when you’re away from them. Right? This 2020 paper is the very first one to pinpoint the potential neuro basis for the motivation to reunite with an ex. The paper, I think, could lead us to better understand what brain regions, all the way down to the cellular level, drive the instinct to form lasting bonds between men and women or men and men or women and women. Right?

Anna:
The research also lends insight into why social distancing is so tough. Human beings are uniquely hardwired to seek out close relationships as a source of comfort, and that often comes through physical touch. Previous brain imaging research in humans has also shown altered brain activity in the region called the nucleus accumbens, which is the same reward center that lights up during heroin or cocaine use. We’ve talked about this before and its relationship to no-contact and why it’s so difficult to get through no-contact or why we long for our ex’s or it’s difficult to stick to it when the research subject held the hand of a romantic partner versus a stranger.

Anna:
At first, this team in this study assumed that brain activity would be really different when the prairie voles were cuddling with their mate versus a random vole. Right? Surprisingly, that is not what they found. Didn’t matter if it was a stranger or lover, the vole’s brains looked basically the same when they were together with another vole. It was only when the voles were away from their partner and running to meet their partner, like imagine a classic romantic reunion scene at the airport or the theme of any number of love poems or any sit-com, that unique cluster of cells in the nucleus accumbens constantly and consistently fired, so the longer the animals had been paired together, the stronger and closer their bond became. The larger the growing cluster of cells, those were dubbed the partner approach ensemble on image screens, and a completely different cluster of cells lit up when the voles were around stranger voles, like strangers.

Anna:
What does this mean? This suggests that there are a group of cells for this specific purpose that’s important for forming and maintaining a bond with your loved one. What we suspect, or what I took from this, is that the brain chemicals, like oxytocin, dopamine, and vasopressin, three of the neurochemicals that we talk about in the 11 Levers of Re-attraction, and they have also been shown in both animal and human studies to play a role in trust and closeness and bonding and connection, are also involved. What this study does confirm is that monogamous mammals are uniquely hard-wired to be with others, so these negative feelings that so many of us are experiencing right now in a breakup often result from sometimes a mismatch or some other factors at play that cause a breakup.

Anna:
We have a neuronal signal that tell us that being with loved one makes us feel better, and it’s the emotional equivalent of not eating when we’re hungry, except now instead of skipping a meal, we are slowly starving. We are literally hardwired to long for our exes. When a breakup occurs, biology and neurochemistry say we’re not the only ones who’s longing. Our exes are longing, too. Does that make sense?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. That’s really fascinating. For the first time ever, they’re able to notice the neurochemicals like from a cellular level this is going on.

Anna:
Yeah. Right?

Chris Seiter:
Wow.

Anna:
Again, remember, when the voles hung out with… were cuddling with I don’t know you voles, your stranger voles, like those random hookups-

Chris Seiter:
Let’s back it up because I definitely have questions.

Anna:
Okay.

Chris Seiter:
Maybe you can be the teacher here. The voles that were cuddling with the strangers-

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
… this is after they had already had a loved one that they were separated with?

Anna:
Yes. Yes.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. They’re with the new stranger voles and what exactly happened?

Anna:
What happened is that the brain activity was almost exactly the same with the mate versus the stranger, was almost exactly the same.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. What does that lead us to believe?

Anna:
It’s not just being together with a person; it’s like the actual bond that you create. The physical touch. Does that make sense?

Chris Seiter:
I guess I’m having trouble, but this is good because I feel like I’m going to learn something out of this.

Anna:
Okay, so okay. Being with the person is-

Chris Seiter:
Let’s use people as an example.

Anna:
Okay. Let’s say you’re with your wife.

Chris Seiter:
Chris and Jen. Right. Chris and Jen.

Anna:
Okay, Chris and Jen. Chris and Jen. For whatever reason, Chris and Jen are lonely. Chris is not around or Jen’s not around, so Chris decides to… I hope Jen doesn’t [crosstalk 00:09:48]

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:09:48]. How dare you. Maybe you shouldn’t use Chris and Jen.

Anna:
I don’t want to [crosstalk 00:09:53] you, though, to make you think that Jen’s cuddling with someone else.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. You might see me getting Sebastian out. Like the Samurai sword and go hunting.

Anna:
Yeah. Chris is cuddling with someone else.

Chris Seiter:
All right. We should use fake ones. Let’s do Bob and Sally.

Anna:
Okay. I’ll just use myself. It’s Anna and let’s just say I’m cuddling with a guy name Eric and I’m cuddling with a guy named John. All right? Okay, I’m cuddling with John and he’s the guy that I’m with, but then I decide to cuddle with stranger Eric. Now, originally people thought, these scientists thought, oh, me cuddling with Eric will look the same as me cuddling with John.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Anna:
That wasn’t the case… or they thought… Hold on. Let me see. I’m looking at what I wrote. Okay, okay. They assumed that-

Chris Seiter:
See, I screwed you up with the like, no, let’s not use Chris and Jen.

Anna:
Basically, let’s say that my partner is John, and the random dude is Eric. This paper assumed that me cuddling with John would look really different from me cuddling with Eric, but that wasn’t the case. Brain activity looked exactly the same whether I was cuddling with John or Eric.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. Does that… what can we infer from that, I guess is the-

Anna:
What can we infer from that? What causes the difference? The difference is the longer that we are paired, like the longer I’m with John, that is the stronger my bond with John neurochemically becomes, so a different cluster of cells that’s related to connection and bonding lights up related to John, but it doesn’t light up related to Eric.

Chris Seiter:
Oh.

Anna:
Why is that? Why is that is because neurochemically, there is longing for John versus longing for Eric.

Chris Seiter:
This really to me would boil down to the level of attachment or length of time you’ve been together with John, for example-

Anna:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
… versus Eric. Because you’re together so long with John, when you do end up cuddling with Eric, the same longing doesn’t exist with the new guy. It’s the old guy that the longing exists.

Anna:
Correct.

Chris Seiter:
Do you know… this is purely speculation on my part, but do you know… In their example, they looked at the brainwaves between the two and they said, okay, they’re pretty identical versus when they’re cuddling with new people, but it’s not until they’re running towards the other person or see the other person that the longing begins.

Anna:
Seeing and running toward, like the physical act of some sort of…

Chris Seiter:
Physical touch.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
I wonder if that would bounce back with… I wonder if there’s a minimum time in which the cells need to accumulate to feel that.

Anna:
Well, if we look at other research that we point to when we talk about no-contact, all right, we’ve talked about this in the context of no-contact how no-contact works on relationships of at least three months or more. Right?

Chris Seiter:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Anna:
That means shorter relationships have weaker bonds, meaning that even if you spent 24 hours every day together for six weeks, that still is not enough time. It needs to be over a period of time, longer than six weeks. The intensity does not mean anything. It is the length of time that matters.

Chris Seiter:
I guess we see this happen all the time in the Facebook group, but we see it from the different perspective because what we’re getting is women who want their ex back or men who want their ex back so badly because they’ve been together so long, they have trouble going and dating new people. They’ll go on a date and they’ll sit there and be like, “It’s not the same.”

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
It really has to do with the foundational aspect of how long that relationship was and the intensity and the care and the investment you probably put into it physically and emotionally, and I guess even monetarily in an odd way.

Anna:
Well, this is really interesting because this goes back to another study that I found that was in the Journal of Neurophysiology, which talk about the feelings of romantic love trigger the brain’s dopamine system, which drive us to repeat pleasurable experiences. What does all that mean? It’s like… let me see if I can find it. It was saying that the brain’s natural opiates help encode the experience and the oxytocin acts as a glue which forge those feelings of closely. Oxytocin unleases a network of brain activity that amplifies visual cues and color and sounds. The effects from your brain’s natural opiates and dopamine and your romantic partner’s traits leave a neuro fingerprint on you, and those preferences become honestly soft wired into your reward system, just like an addiction.

Anna:
Another study with animals, rats, they are prone to promiscuity. Even rats are often primed to revisit their first pleasure inducing partner according to a 2015 study.

Chris Seiter:
Wow.

Anna:
It seems humans follow a similar pattern. Like a recovering alcoholic that craves a drink even after decades of sobriety, we can still be drawn to an ex. That means there’s a complex physiology associated with romantic attachments that stays with us honestly for most of our lives. Even after we resolve a romantic relationship, we have… humans have a remarkable ability to forget the bad parts and focus on the good ones, thus no contact. Most people have a lost love that they wonder about, like someone who held your hand through really important moments that helped define you. This is nostalgia and these feelings of nostalgia are very common.

Anna:
According to another study that I saw, it was a three-part study from 2015, people benefit from a state that they refer to as nostalgic reverie. They reminisce about the past at some point in the day… several times a week even on average. Almost no one reminisces on just once a month basis. It’s possible that we think about the past because it’s good for our wellbeing. Apparently, nostalgic reverie can boost our mood, our feelings of self-esteem, and our identity. What they found is they could promote… this particular study found that they could promote nostalgic reverie by exposing people to websites that promote feelings of connection to past lovers. It was really interesting.

Chris Seiter:
That’s really interesting. Basically, what Anna’s talking about is yeah, your ex still cares.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
They’re hardwired to care, but I guess also, we should put a asterisk next to it as well and say your ex is more likely to care the longer they’ve been with you, and I would also say, drawing upon that peak end rule, I was revisiting the research on the peak end rule today for a YouTube video that I was filming. Those peak experiences, in the past I had always assumed that the peaks… The peak end rule basically, if you don’t know what it is, it’s like human beings when they remember experiences in the past or they have memories, we don’t remember the experience in the full like we assume we do. We remember it based on highly… two point basically. Like the peaks of the experience and the end of the experience, but the peaks can refer to both good and bad experiences, so if you had a relationship that is fraught with lots of fights throughout, sometimes it’s harder to… it will be harder to get that person to care for you than someone who doesn’t have a ton of fights but has a lot of positive moments in the bank, so to speak.

Chris Seiter:
I think what your… I’m kind of interested to get your take on this. The research that you basically were talking about here and you were breaking down for me with the ridiculous Chris and Jen swaps-

Anna:
Which we avoided because [crosstalk 00:19:03]

Chris Seiter:
We did. We did. We put you on the hot seat with make believe people, which is…

Anna:
Yes. [crosstalk 00:19:09]

Chris Seiter:
Basically, the way I look at it is your ex is hardwired to care about you the longer they’ve been with you, but also, the quality of that relationship has some indication on how much more likely they are to care about you. Would you say that’s an accurate statement?

Anna:
Yes. I do. I mean, love research supports the notion that it’s psychologically intoxicating to reconnect with an ex. The brain lights up the same way a cocaine addict’s does before a hit. The urge to reconnect with an ex or even think about an ex therefore makes sense because the brain develops pathways based on learned patterns, so if you laid down a powerful pattern that this person was, for example, your life partner, your brain can retain traces of that circuitry even if you’ve bonded with someone new.

Anna:
Experts say that the neurological attachment that happens between young people is not unlike the attachment a baby forms with its mother, so hormones like vasopressin and oxytocin are key in helping create a sense of closeness in relationships and play a starring role in both scenarios. Now, it’s not just if this person was your first love. If you have another person who was your best love or your most emotionally intimate love, that mark is even more indelible, it’s even stronger. That neurological attachment, that circuitry that’s laid down, is definitely never going away. This preferential encoding in the brain is why there are so many stories about people reconnecting with long, lost loves. It’s because those loves, those intense loves, or those first loves, or those best loves, or those most emotionally intimate loves, keep coming back over and over.

Anna:
Not trying to be too graphic here, but for example, the first person you have your first orgasm with lays down a template for what you find attractive. That’s just understandable.

Chris Seiter:
Interesting.

Anna:
Right?

Chris Seiter:
Well, I guess it makes a lot of sense. I’m going back to the first love example. That’s probably why it feels so much more potent. You know?

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Versus when you have… you go on dates and you fall in love with another person, it’s never quite the same experience as that other one, but I think what you said is incredibly insightful with regards to just because they’re you’re first love doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the best love or the strongest connection you’ll ever feel with someone. That almost trumps it, but it feels different, at least in my experience it has.

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
Overall, though, I would say, yeah, your ex still cares about you, but there’s all these little signifiers that make it a lot more likely. Even at the bare minimum, I think they still care about you.

Anna:
Oh, yeah. They still care about you. I was just trying to describe it to… was talking a little bit with my husband over dinner, and I was telling him about this research. I said, “You know, I’ve had quite a few breakups, but there are three relationships that really stand out in my mind.” Obviously, him, and then my very first boyfriend who was terrible.

Chris Seiter:
That seems to be the experience I think everyone has.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
It’s like two really inexperienced people dating and hopefully, inexperienced, unless you date like-

Anna:
He was experienced, but he was just a cheater.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah.

Anna:
There was him and then there was the third one, but all the others were just [crosstalk 00:22:54]

Chris Seiter:
Third one. I love how you just slipped that in there. Yeah, there is a third one, but the third one, we’ll just-

Anna:
The third one was the first person I ever had sex with, so that third one, but all the others kind of are the same lump of like you are my exes. I’m still attached to you, but the strength of that attachment is not as strong as these other three.

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so they’re the ones who laid the template down for what you are most likely to become attracted to or rather year for or-

Anna:
Yearn for.

Chris Seiter:
… have huge nostalgia feelings and long for them.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Right. It kind of goes into what is it that we’re longing for? There was also a study in the Journal of Research in Personality that said there are different psychological and demographic factors influencing life longings. Life longings, there’s a German word for it and I don’t even know if I’m going to pronounce it correctly, [foreign language 00:23:49]. I don’t know. It’s basically defined as intense desires for ideal states of life that are remote or unattainable.

Chris Seiter:
Because that’s the ungettable concept right there.

Anna:
Yeah. It’s the ungettable. Right. That’s basically it. There’s a lot related to longing and the fear of vulnerability. Relationship conflict can hide one’s own longing in our fear of vulnerability. We can experience longing for something that we had and lost, the Zeigarnik effect, or we can long for something that we never had in the first place. The person may already have a partner, but long for something more, maybe different, that he or she believes would bring fulfillment. Frequently, people will neglect to attend to their deeper needs in their choice of a partner, meeting other needs instead, such as security or shared values. As a result, they eventually hunger for a relationship that has more passion or vibrancy, so it could lead to a breakup ultimately, not understanding that they originally chose based on another set of values that they didn’t communicate. Does that make sense?

Chris Seiter:
It does. All this stuff is really fascinating.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
It’s stuff that I don’t think we’ve ever really talked about before, at least on the public forum.

Anna:
No.

Chris Seiter:
You may have discussed it with private clients or so.

Anna:
No, I haven’t.

Chris Seiter:
That’s brand-new, even for you.

Anna:
Yeah. I was looking into the stuff because when I was thinking, okay, how do I know that my ex cares about me? I thought, okay, well, it was like, I couldn’t really find anything. Then I started looking up longing, then I started looking up desire and I looked up yearning and I looked up nostalgia. There’s a lot of stuff out there, which if you put it together in the relationship context, essentially, we are hardwired to long and yearn for and care for other people. The question should not be does my ex care about me because the answer is yes. Unequivocally, yes.

Chris Seiter:
I guess it would be more of a question of why. Why do they care about you? Understanding that and then, potentially from there, you have a better understanding of how you can not necessarily manipulate it but inspire it. You know?

Anna:
Right. You want to be able to trigger those feelings of yearning and longing, so this is, again, why I think not only is no-contact really important, it’s the work that you do on yourself that’s incredibly important. Also, when you finish your no-contact, you need to have a plan in place. I mean, whether or not you coach, you should have a plan on how to contact, when to contact, what to say, what to do. This is where love languages become very important, understanding whether your ex is introverted or extroverted, their attachment style, whatever that may be, and understanding their relationship history and their family history. Just also understanding what you did and what your ex did to contribute to the breakup itself. There are a lot of factors at play.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I mean, ultimately, knowledge is power.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
All that stuff you just said there is just getting more knowledgeable about yourself and your ex and how they respond to certain situations or what they’re going to respond to, like the love languages.

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I mean, I agree with you totally. I just had to write a 10,000-word article on does your ex still care, and I literally sit there and I’m thinking like, well, how do you know? I started looking at all the articles that we had ever written throughout Ex Boyfriend Recovery and most of them don’t talk about the science. They’re always very detailed to, like okay, well, how do you know someone is caring about you versus someone who just wants to use you or if my ex isn’t very responsive towards me, does that mean they don’t care about me. Most of the queries that we get on the website at least, are very situational by nature, but one thing that they don’t seem to ever understand is the science behind it or the psychology or the psychoanalytical aspects of it.

Anna:
Yeah. The science behind it, which the answer is yes, they do care, they are thinking about you, and let’s assume that you have done the appropriate amount of work, done the no-contact as needed, you’ve done the work on yourself, you are working on social media and [inaudible 00:28:29] influence as best you can, and you’re approaching any interactions with your ex in as smart of fashion as possible.

Anna:
The other part of it is understanding that some exes take time. Even if you understand all of these things, it’s still only half of the equation. Your ex may not be as emotionally mature, as emotionally involved as you.

Chris Seiter:
It’s true.

Anna:
If that’s the case, you could understand all these things and still just sit there twiddling your thumbs, waiting for that person to catch up to you. Ultimately, they may not. To me, that’s where a lot of people who don’t get their exes back, that tends to be the reason. My clients tend to be so much more evolved by that point that waiting for their exes is just too long for them and they’ve got personal goals to meet, such as I want to get married.

Chris Seiter:
Right. I also think what you said, what you were talking about, this science behind it, I can’t help but think back to one of the big reasons I think people fail a lot of times or struggle is they have some… all right, so it’s not enough just to I think to understand this stuff. I think you also need to have the emotional control to-

Anna:
Oh, yeah.

Chris Seiter:
… be able to act on it. What I mean by that is simply knowing someone cares about you or ex still cares about you, isn’t enough to make them commit to you.

Anna:
Yes, correct.

Chris Seiter:
I think if you want to create those feelings of yearning or longing or nostalgia within your ex, you are going to have a hard time doing that if you don’t have emotionally control.

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
I think that’s the real trick of the no-contact rule, I think. It helps you gain emotional control.

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
It won’t complete the work. I mean, I think a lot of times in the breakup business, it’s more how disciplined are you after the no-contact rule is up, too, and do you stop doing some of the holy trinity stuff, but overall, to me, when you were talking about all that, it’s like, yeah, understanding it’s great, but you also need to have the emotional control to do something about it.

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
You know?

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
The thing that Anna just wrote out basically is like there’s definitely no one talking about it, we’ve never covered it, so that’s brand-new folks.

Anna:
In the realm of relationships, it was really difficult for me to find all this, so what I’m talking about now is stuff that I’m piecing together in the realm… yeah, for relationship recovery. I think it’s fascinating. I mean, there’s a lot more. We could talk about it for weeks probably. I mean, there’s a lot more on longing. There’s a lot more about… that plays into honestly attachment style and self-soothing and inner-child work and traumatic disappointment in early childhood. There’s so much other stuff that goes into this, but basically, what you want to do, rather than wonder if your ex is longing for you, or cares about you or is thinking about you, you need to be asking yourself what can I do to trigger those feelings and position myself as the physical, real-life embodiment of the things that my ex is longing for.

Anna:
Is that… before I forget, is what I’m trying to be, as I tried to be that physically embodiment of what my ex is yearning for, is that consistent with who I am as a person? I don’t want to give the impression or anyone listening to think that ERP is telling you to change who you are just to get in a relationship. No. This is about being true and authentic to yourself, so if your ex wants you to be someone emotionally small and timid just so that he or she feels better about himself or herself, don’t do that. That’s not the person for you, even if you do long for that person. Make sense?

Chris Seiter:
Well, I think also to piggyback off what you’re saying there, a lot of the times what we’re noticing, at least what I’ve noticed from interviewing real success stories is the people who seem to be very successful winning exes back seem to become more secure with themselves, and I’m not saying they’re insecure to begin with, but a lot of times they exhibit insecure behaviors. By gaining emotional control, by putting the work in that Anna’s basically saying, and you were saying your clients, by the time they get to the end they’re sitting there thinking, “I don’t want to wait around for them. I’ve got other stuff to accomplish here,” and then they start working on that other stuff. Then, they come around because that longing and that yearning is at its height.

Anna:
The exes tend to come around at that point.

Chris Seiter:
Right. Well, also, each of those clients didn’t change themselves.

Anna:
No.

Chris Seiter:
It’s almost like they just decided to find the parts that they enjoy the most about themselves and highlight those parts and focus on those things. Overall, though, we do get unfortunately some people who don’t… it’s almost like a paradigm shift. You have to believe. I think a lot of people come into this not believing that simply by doing those things, their ex can come back. They think like, there has to be something I do to make them… some words I say to make them come back and more often than not, it’s-

Anna:
No. This is not magic.

Chris Seiter:
It’s not, and it takes time, too. I think it’s not if your ex cares about you, they do. It’s about how can you create those feelings of longing, yearning, and nostalgia. I would also add if you want them to commit to you, they have to feel like they can lose you. I think sometimes the problem is when you’re coming to us, they don’t feel that way. They feel like they have you or they can get you anytime they want. Sometimes by going through the things that we want you to go through, like Anna was saying, you’ll find that your ex does want you to be small, they do want to be able to lord things over you or dominate you emotionally, and you realize that’s not the person for me. That’s also a good thing because that’s also you standing up for yourself a little bit, but also realizing this is not someone you should be getting back. You know?

Anna:
Right. Right.

Chris Seiter:
We have told people… you have told people, Anna, for sure you should not go back with this guy.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
Or girl or whoever.

Anna:
Yeah. I have said that. I even said that as recently as last week.

Chris Seiter:
Unfortunately, those clients don’t always love it, but I think it’s also a situation where they know it in their hearts. They just don’t want it to be… they don’t the reality to reflect that.

Anna:
I mean, I don’t enjoy saying that, but especially in coaching sessions, when I’m delivering information like that, I say, “Look, this is our honest time between me and you. You pay me not to lie to you, so you know I’m not saying this to be mean, so you should not get this person back for X, Y, and Z reasons. You’re very smart, you understand, you know what I’m saying.”

Chris Seiter:
It happens [crosstalk 00:35:46]

Anna:
I can certainly understand, yeah, it happens, and I do tell people don’t get this person back.

Chris Seiter:
We’re not going to lie to you.

Anna:
No, it’s our honest-

Chris Seiter:
We’re also… Right, right. Well, we’re also not going to tell you what you want to hear. We’re going to tell you what we think and what probably works more often than not.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. Again, yeah, you don’t pay us to lie. You pay us to help you be as smart as possible, to make really good choices for your own life and hopefully, positively put you on the right track related to your love life, too. Sometimes our exes are just not the persons we should have back.

Chris Seiter:
That’s true. Oftentimes, just by admitting that, they come back.

Anna:
Right.

Chris Seiter:
They want you back, which is a complicated problem to solve then because you shouldn’t be getting that person back, but that’s the way it works.

Anna:
This is part of longing. Longing will compel us to idealize a person we desire, and we create in our imagination a perception of perfection of the person in front of us, who when exposed to reality, IE, a breakup, leaves us sorely disappointed. We think, “Oh, it was so amazing. We had the best relationship.” No. Along the way there ae a lot of bumps and there were a lot of red flags or maybe a few red flags. Right? We have to understand our own longing. How idealized is our longing? How truthful is our longing?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah.

Anna:
There’s even a lot of research about that.

Chris Seiter:
Ultimately, what we’re saying is there’s not a ton of research out there specifically related to getting your ex back, but what we have done, is we’ve found the most related research that we could find essentially to give us indications of what’s working. That’s why Anna has like a over 70% success rate, and it might even be higher if you count the clients who decided they didn’t want to get their exes back, which puts her I believe over 90% or [crosstalk 00:37:58]

Anna:
Yes, in the mid-90s.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, so we’re squabbling over five percentage points now.

Anna:
Well, you know. You’re funny.

Chris Seiter:
That’s why you should coach with Anna. Is there anything else on does your ex still care about you that we need to talk about, or do you think we’ve got it covered?

Anna:
I mean, there’s a lot put out there, even within our own website about signs that our exes still care. I mean, everyone could easily research that and read it and listen to it. It’s all pretty much the same, but I think the one thing that you need to understand is, yes. Does your ex still care about you? Yes. Well, how do you know that? Biology, science, right, neurochemical.

Chris Seiter:
It backs it up. Right.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
It backs it up. It backs up [crosstalk 00:38:48]

Anna:
There are literal neuropathways hardwired into your brain. If it’s hardwired into your brain, it’s also hardwired into your ex’s brain, so spend less time worrying about that, knowing that science says, yes, they do, and worry more about what am I going to do to remove the roadblocks or the challenges that got in our way in the first place. Focus on that instead.

Chris Seiter:
I’ve got to say, every time we do one of these, I always learn so much and it makes me feel so bad. I’m like, “Oh, man. Anna’s just so smart. I need to say something smart,” and then you’re like, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then, this.” It just gets smarter and smarter and I’m just like-

Anna:
What are you talking about? You are so smart, too.

Chris Seiter:
Hold on, Anna. It’s like, you need to explain to me how this worked. I feel… I’m only saying that I guess to make fun of myself a little bit, but also because I want you guys to realize Anna is the best. This is as good as it gets when it comes to ex recovery period.

Anna:
What?

Chris Seiter:
It’s true. Don’t even act like that. You know that.

Anna:
Okay. I mean, we are [inaudible 00:39:59]. I was really pleased when I started finding all this science stuff. I was like, no other ex recovery person is going to be talking about [crosstalk 00:40:07]

Chris Seiter:
No. I mean, when you were breaking it down for me, I was like sitting there really trying to focus and listen, but then, I got confused at the part that I made you go over like 10 times with the real human beings because I was like, “What does that mean?” I get it now and I’m glad that I did. I’m glad that we recorded it, so that I can look back when I’m trying to explain it for a YouTube video and kind of hopefully not use myself as an example for that [crosstalk 00:40:33]

Anna:
You can use me and my Eric and John examples if you want.

Chris Seiter:
Right. Yeah, I mean, overall, I’m just blown away, quite frankly. I’m just blown away. Here’s to recap what Anna… we spent an hour talking about is basically like your ex just can’t forget about you.

Anna:
No.

Chris Seiter:
It is hardwired in their brain. They will not be able to forget about you. They’re hardwired to care about you, and they’re hardwired to care about you even more the longer you were together and the better the relationship was.

Anna:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Seiter:
The question should not be does my ex care about me, it should be why does my ex care about me and what can I do about it.

Anna:
What can I do to trigger those positive nostalgic feelings, to trigger longing? What can I do to trigger that? If you can figure that out, you have a much greater chance of getting your ex back.

Chris Seiter:
Also, if you want to figure that out, coach with Anna. She’ll tell you how to figure it out.

Anna:
We’ll talk about it.

Chris Seiter:
Right, right.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
How’s coaching going?

Anna:
Coaching is going really well. I’m full this week and most of next week, so I do have some sessions open on the 22nd and onward.

Chris Seiter:
Well, sign up folks.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Sign up.

Anna:
Come hang out with me. I like to talk to people.

Chris Seiter:
If you’re listening to this and you’re at work or something, and you’re like, “You know what? I need to talk to someone about this breakup,” Anna is the person for you.

Anna:
Yes. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, that’s it for me. Anything else you want to add?

Anna:
No. I think this is a really good one, though. This is one of my favorites, just because we came up with really new stuff.

Chris Seiter:
You came up with some really new stuff and I’m just like, explain it to me, Anna. I need help.

Anna:
I’m really excited for people to hear this.

Chris Seiter:
Me, too.

Anna:
I think this will be helpful. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
All right. Well, we’ll see you guys next time. Thanks for showing up or listening or watching this and we’ll be back next week. What are we talking about next week? Do you know?

Anna:
Yeah. What are we talking about next week?

Chris Seiter:
Can we do texting? I’m writing a texting article right now, so-

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
… maybe something about texting.

Anna:
Yeah, let’s talk about texting. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
It will be something related to texting.

Anna:
Something about texting.

Chris Seiter:
All right.

Anna:
Texting stuff. Okay.

Chris Seiter:
Texting stuff.

Anna:
Okay.

Chris Seiter:
Bye-bye everyone.

Anna:
Bye.

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