By EBR Team Member: Ashley

Here’s a question for you,

What is Ghosting?

We’ve all had some experience with it in dating.

You have gone on a couple of dates with someone, and then radio silence.

If we’re being honest, most of us are guilty of doing it ourselves. Those couple of dates that you did go on with him were boring.

He chewed with his mouth open. He called his ex while you were waiting on the appetizers. (I may have had that happen to me once.) And for whatever reason, you just don’t see it going any further.

You cringe when he texts you,

Screen Shot 2016-07-25 at 5.03.40 PM

You don’t want to have that dreaded conversation where you tell him,

“I just don’t see this being “a thing” or going anywhere.”

So, you ignore his texts and calls. You avoid running into him. And if you do you pretend you’ve never met.

You’re giving him the space to get over the traumatic loss of messing up an opportunity with someone as awesome as you. (I’m going to assume you’re pretty awesome.) The calls and texts to you double. Heck, they even triple until months down the road when he finally gives up, hopefully.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m talking to you about something that happens when you’re still in that “dating around” period.

Well, that’s just it.

Ghosting and “being ghosted” is not just reserved for single hopefuls that are going on a handful of dates a week.

This can even happen in relationships too!

Things are going seemingly fine. Over the time you’ve been together, things have gotten a little bit… routine. He finds himself noticing things other women have and do that you just don’t have or do anymore.

He stops spending as much time with you. He doesn’t put that effort in any more. Life can be busy so you haven’t even realized that you barely see him anymore and…

‘POOF!’ Suddenly he’s just gone!

No Text.

No Call.

No explanation.

He’s just gone.

And you find yourself blocked everywhere you turn.

Oh, how rude… I forgot to introduce myself,

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Allow Me To Introduce Myself

Hi. My name is Ashley and, let’s face it, you have no idea who I am.

So, Let’s get acquainted!

Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 12.55.37 PM

This is me!

(Okay, so usually I’m more… colorful)

Ashley

Heck, I’m even more colorful than that but that’s all the pictures you are getting of me today 😉 .

In college I studied Visual Arts and Marketing. (Yes I drew that lovely picture of myself there.) I love cycling, tennis, and studying Psychology. I am clumsy and always nursing a bruise or two; therefore I was given the well-earned nickname of…

Crashley.

Why am I telling you all of this?

Because I am the newest member of Chris’ “Ex Recovery Team.”

He hired me to help him create content for you and has dubbed me as “The Head of Content Development.” Pretty fancy nickname, right?

But enough about me.

Let’s talk about you.

Or more specifically, ghosting!

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Welcome To “Ghost-ville!”

ghosted

There’s a similar thing happening to ghosting these days that is equally as devastating,

It’s called benching.

It’s almost exactly like ghosting, except there’s an excuse that prefaces the ‘Poof!’ He tells you that you guys need to take a break and he needs space. For now, you can just remain friends.

If this has happened to you then you, my friend, have been benched.

So, what’s going on in the mind of a man who says something like this?

Basically he wants to be single and date around without feeling like he’s cheating, but he wants you to be an option should he ever have the inclination to date you again, or, more likely, to be able to call for a hookup when there isn’t another option.

But still that “blocked” status applies. He blocks your number, but only unblocks it when there’s something he wants. He blocks or limits what you can see via social media. Oh, and you won’t dare run into him just out and about. It’s ghosting, with a clause.

But who would do that?

I mean really?!

Only scum would do that!

Eh, not necessarily.

This mentality, “If I don’t see their pain, then there’s a chance it doesn’t actually happen” is rampant today.

Out of sight, out of mind, and not weighing on their conscience.

Most of my friends are guys and I find that a lot of them prefer not to have to tell someone that they just aren’t really “feeling it” any more. In lady terms, “the spark is gone.” (I should be a linguist speaking all these languages!) Some of my guys let me poll them occasionally for insight. And I found that most of them even like the fact that, in ghosting someone, they have the option to assume that, that person is pining away somewhere over losing someone as awesome as them.

**cue eye roll*

eye roll

I mean honestly I can’t tell you that I’m not guilty of this very thing.

What?!

I know, I’m scum along with the rest of them.

WE ARE WORMS!

Pain andPanic

I’ll explain why doing crappy things is sometimes a necessary evil in the next few sections. So don’t hold it against me just yet. All in good time.

But first…

Why Does Ghosting & Benching Even Happen?

I’m not going to lie to you, these are both horrible situations to be in.

Seriously, they just suck.

I mean, if this has happened to you, you probably feel like you got blindsided by a truck and then it backed up and did it again, just for good measure.

You deserve some sort of explanation, and you aren’t going to get it from him. So I’m going to do something very nice for you. (You’re grateful I’m sure.) I’m going to lay out a few of the various reasons for why he might have ghosted you.

However, consider yourself warned, some of these will be hard to hear. So, if you want to hold on to whatever nice, albeit false, reasoning you already concocted for why he would possibly treat you this way, don’t read any further.

……

…….

………..

Still here?

Okay, well I’m glad you want to know the truth. I admire that about you.

Here are a few of the most common reasons ghosting happens:

Situation One – The Dreaded Drama

The Dreaded Drama – The modern man is a narcissist. They expect women to cause a scene. I can’t really blame them. It’s human nature to want to throw a tantrum when we don’t get what we want. It’s something that I think goes all the way back to our childhood.

sharing

Not to mention, that most modern women have been conditioned to cause a ruckus in order to be heard.

Our entire gender has been given a bad rap by what most of my guy friends would call “the crazies”, meaning women who automatically overreact or resort to drastic measures in order to feel like they are being heard.

One of the guys refers to it as “The Rage Tornado.” And let’s face it, this number is growing. Oh, and “The Rage Tornado” isn’t even specific to our gender.

But we aren’t going to get into that today.

grown woman tantrum

No one likes confrontation and men will go out of their way to avoid it. They think you can’t handle losing them. Their ego is inflated by the assumption.

They’d rather imagine your devastation than actually see it, because in person there is one thing they can’t handle no matter how prepared they are… TEARS.

I know grown men who can handle pretty much any situation with finesse, but when presented with a crying woman, they panic and turn into a complete wreck. Think Sheldon from Big Bang Theory.

sheldon

I once had a roommate that dealt with things like him. I was so sick one evening that he stood outside the bathroom patting my shoulder with a broom held out like I had the plague or something and just kept saying, “There, There.”

SO, WHAT’S THE COUNTER TO SITUATION ONE?

Stay calm and keep your emotions in check!

Don’t let him see how much it hurts even if it feels like there’s a knife in your chest that hurts every time you breathe since you haven’t heard from him.

Situation Two – The Respect Factor

The Respect Factor – This one can vary in meaning depending on how long the two of you have been together. If it was a short-lived relationship, it’s fairly possible that he never respected you in the first place.

In the world of dating apps, it has become easy to see each other as profiles rather than people.

An article in the Huffington Post put it well.

‘…matchmaking often happens by swiping right and left, making potential daters literally disposable. The ease of app and online dating has allowed ghosting to take new form. Chelsea, a 25-year-old Manhattanite who has been both a ghost and a ghostee says the fast-paced, onto-the-next mentality of online dating makes the need for an “it’s not me, it’s you,” conversation irrelevant. “Even after one or two dates they are still just a profile to you, not a person. I don’t feel the normal empathy I would for someone I met organically,” she said.’

If you’ve been together a while, it’s entirely possible that he has lost his respect for you.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“But, Ashley, people don’t just lose respect for the people they love.”

Not true.

It is so easy to undermine an entire relationship.

I once called off a relationship with a guy I truly liked and had been seeing for about half a year just because he said one simple, yet completely ignorant, statement that changed the way I saw him.

He went from being tall, dark, intelligent and handsome to being a sleazy guy who loved to talk about things he didn’t’ understand, making him entirely unattractive to me.

SO, WHAT’S THE COUNTER TO SITUATION TWO?

Chin up, and repeat after me.

“I cannot force someone to respect me by demanding it from them!”

You have to decide if they ever respected you in the first place. Ask your close friend who spent time with the two of you together, because this is something that is hard to see from the inside of a relationship.

If you come to the conclusion that he ever did respect you, then remind him of the person you were. However, you have to do this in conjunction with giving him new reasons to respect you.

“But Ash, I’m being ghosted! How do you show someone something when they aren’t around?”

I’ll get to that in a second.

Situation Three – Doing You a Favor

Doing You a Favor – Spanning the latter part of the time you were together, there were most likely things that you did or characteristics that you had that bothered him. These culminated into a mass of things that worked like a kite string. Each one lengthened the distance a little bit more letting him drift further away.

Kite

At this point he could explain your faults and allow you the option to adjust. But if the men in your life are anything like the men in my life, you know that they like to let things build up.

I mean, women do this too, but we’re just talking about men today.

For example, it bothers my dad that my mom puts things back when he’s using them, like the remote, or a spice he’s using out by the grill. Now, she’s not trying to inconvenience him. She just likes a clean house.

He knows this so he doesn’t say anything, but it annoys him none-the-less.

There are tons of little things that she does that annoy the heck out of him. But one day, she does something that is just the icing on the cake. (Something that drives me crazy too.) She is telling him something and walks out of the room while she’s talking leaving us both trying to guess at what she’s saying.

rotating door

It can be quite frustrating. When she comes back into the room, suddenly he says, “I hate it when you do that!” then proceeds to list every tiny little thing she does that drives him nuts.

Then that’s it.

He feels better since he’s not holding it all in anymore. She’s left standing there shell-shocked wondering why he hadn’t said something at the moment she was doing each little thing so she could fix them right then.

It’s not uncommon.

They’re married though. He can’t just ghost my mom. (I mean he could, but he hasn’t so far, so I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he won’t. But you never know)

In dating it’s a little different.

For our purposes today we’re going to assume that he just decides that laying all of that on you is just too much for you to handle. That and he doesn’t want to wait around for you to fix all of the issues. But it’s clearly bothering him, and he chooses to walk away without an explanation and save you both the trouble of hurting your feelings.

SO, WHAT’S THE COUNTER TO SITUATION THREE?

Read Chris’ article on The Ungettable Girl. (I’ve including the link towards the end of this article for those of you who want to continue reading this article.)

Do everything you can to be the best version of yourself.

Situation Four – Profile Overload

Profile Overload – We’re going to play off of something we talked about in Situation two, the fact that we live in a profile rich environment these days. It’s highly possible that, in culminating all of the reasons we’ve talked about, the little things that bother him, the growing distance, it’s possible that someone else caught his eye and he’s, yet again, saving you both the trouble of hurting your feelings.

In a Tinder and Plenty of Fish kind of world, it is quite possible you’ve been thrown back to sea, lost and confused.

Don’t worry.

There are plenty of us confused fish out there.

confused fish original

SO, WHAT’S THE COUNTER TO SITUATION FOUR?

This counter is the same as before.

Build yourself up to be incomparable.

AKA: Become the Ungettable Girl

Free On Demand Coaching
Yes, please

Does The Fact That He Turned Into Casper Make Him A Bad Person?

The fact is that ghosting leaves you devastated and him convinced that he’s done both you and himself a favor.

He’s saved himself the pain and anguish of having a difficult conversation, not to mention the possibility of having to deal with tears and drama. And he’s saved you the pain having to actually hear that he doesn’t want to be with you, for whatever reason.

And that’s it for them.

They go on thinking they’ve done you a service and move on with life. This means it hurts less right?

WRONG!?

Now you’re in forever limbo wondering what happened, a confused fish lost at sea.

confused fish original

(Yup, I totally used the fish picture again 😉 .)

Is it fair? Not at all, but as my mother reminds me incessantly, life is rarely fair.

So no, it doesn’t make him a bad person. It just means he’s a coward and accentuates the fact that he has a serious lack of respect for you, which you should definitely take into account since we’re on this quest to get him back together.

Usually the decision to ghost someone is made on a whim, sometimes without any actual thought at all.

So it’s highly unlikely he planned on hurting you this way. However there are men who actually plan the ghosting ahead of time.

It’s habitual.

They know, going into the relationship that this is how it will inevitably end. These men aren’t worth your time and if you realize this is a regular thing for him, I don’t suggest going any further in trying to revive the relationship.

Let it die. You’re life will be better for it.

Feel free to continue reading, this article though. Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we talk about becoming a better version of yourself quite a bit. I believe the poet George Herbert once said

“Living well is the best revenge.”

And we definitely encourage that here.

How to Deal With Ghosting

what do you do here meme

You have a few choices on how to deal with being ghosted.

So, here is what I am going to do for you guys. I am going to divide this section up into two parts.

  1. The Stuff I DON’T Suggest
  2. The Stuff I DO Suggest

Sound like a plan?

Yes?

Awesome

I DON’T SUGGEST: (Seriously Don’t Do These Things)

Texting, Calling, Emailing – Don’t go “bumping into him” or sending a Carrier Pigeon repeatedly and obsessively,

“Hey.” “Hey I was wondering…”

“You want to go grab coffee?”

“Me and some friends… want to join?” etc.

(This is how you get labeled as “that crazy girl he dated that one time.”)

The Rage Tornado – hurl insults at him through every type of communication you have access to

(This is also how you get labeled as “that crazy girl he dated that one time.”) It’s a BIG NO NO!

Don’t do it!

I DO SUGGEST (Do The Following Things:)

A Longer No Contact Rule

45 days to be exact!

The reason for the extension is, because if you stick with a short bit of time, you’re just agreeing to the terms he’s already set in motion, which leaves him in control. Keep the No Contact up as long as it takes for him to realize it doesn’t bother you.

Eventually he’ll come around to see why you haven’t come begging for him back like he expects you to do.

Take the time to work on becoming the best version of you that you can.

Check out this article for tips on becoming an Ungettable Girl.

Also, you should try and guess at what issues he may have had with you and address them. I cannot stress this next part, only address these issues he has if they are also beneficial to your journey to becoming a better you.

Don’t go changing things you like about yourself just to appease him.

Also, DO NOT use this as an excuse to contact him to ask what issues he had!!

You’re a smart lady… I’m sure you can get pretty close to an idea of what bothered him in the relationship just by reflecting on your time together.

Place yourself in his peripheral.

If you don’t know what I mean, try this.

Sit up straight and look at the wall ahead of you.

Without turning your head or shifting your gaze, think about the things happening around you. You still have a pretty good idea of it without even seeing it, right?

You can even tell what color the people around you are wearing. This is what I’m talking about. Even though he can’t see you, he’ll still be able to see what you’ve been doing. Make sure he sees what you want him to see.

Assuming you were together for a while, you have the same friends you share acquaintances. Let other people see how well you’re doing. Adjust your social media to reflect the improvements you are making in your life. Don’t put it on blast that you’re having a tough time, even if you are.

Stay Strong During Your No Contact.

However, if you run into him, keep it short sweet and to the point. Here’s a great article on the No Contact explaining all of it’s complicated rules.

Consistency, Consistency, And More Consistency!

consistency

Once you achieve your goal and get him back, remember to keep your wits about you, it is so easy to fall back into patterns. Trust me, there is this one guy I went out with about ten or twelve times.

I was a sucker for him, because I couldn’t’ quite figure him out. He’d be a jerk and dump me and we’d go for months without any interaction whatsoever. Then we’d wind up in the same room and suddenly I was jumping through hoops like one of those froo froo show dogs trying to keep his attention and he’d string me along because no one else had his attention at the time.

It’s just so simple to forget yourself. It’s our nature to try and maintain a sense of continuity. We automatically try to be the person we were to keep from having attention directed at us. I know that if you put me in the same room with any of the people I went to school with, I may as well have braces and have frizzy hair again. By reverting to who you were, you’re missing out on having that moment when they look at you and say, “Wow! Look at this incredible person she’s become without me!” You have to stay conscious of the time and effort you’ve invested into improving your life so you don’t let it float away at the first indication that your prey may be falling into your trap. Maintain the better you! Your life will be better for it whether you get the guy or go on to find someone better.

You don’t even need to aim your efforts directly at him. You want to turn heads. Fight that urge to keep the attention off of you. Have all the eyes on you and all minds filled with one thought; “She doesn’t NEED anybody! We just simply exist to her.” I guarantee that if the people around you are thinking it, this notion will permeate his mind to and soon he’ll be grateful to be a part of your life rather than you feeling like you have to fight tooth and nail to be in his.

However I can’t stress enough how important it is to continue becoming better, despite him being back in your life. If you allow yourself to fall into old patterns, being the girl he obviously doesn’t respect you’ll end up right back in Ghost-ville.

What to Read Next

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296 thoughts on “What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Ghosted You”

  1. Avatar

    Alanna

    May 8, 2020 at 12:37 pm

    My ex broke up with me and accused me of cheating. When I proved that I wasn’t, he then started piling other excuses on why we need to break up. I tried contacting him every day for two months after that m, explaining how much I love him and why we shouldn’t give up and he wouldn’t respond. Here and there he would say he loves me and he can’t see himself with anyone else but me but right now he can’t be with me because he doesn’t think I’ve changed. It’s now been three months since we broke up and at this point, I deleted my Instagram to block me out from seeing him move on… which he hasn’t. He won’t add any new girls or like any of their pictures. His distant behavior shows there’s someone else but his social media doesn’t. For the three months that we’ve been apart.. he hasn’t called or texted once.. it was only me reaching out. It is quarantine so obviously the break up must be easy for him. But we hang out in the same spots so I’m bound to run into him again. What do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 19, 2020 at 11:49 am

      Hi Alanna, I would say that your ex looked for a valid reason to end the relationship rather than being honest with you. This being said follow the program starting with your NC and I would suggest doing a 45 day to give you enough time to work on becomming Ungettable and then reach out with the texts that Chris suggests in his articles

  2. Avatar

    Aleksa

    March 12, 2020 at 10:52 am

    Hello, i broke up with my ex on January because of his sudden change of behaviour. He went from respecting me and appreciating me to the complete opposite, that was happening in the last month of our relationship. However after the break up he was really hot and cold I’ve thought he could have some kind of rebound. On the one hand we were calling and he was saying he still loves me and all and on the other he wasn’t opening my text even though he was online. After the break up the situation was me firstly ignoring him then reaching out to see he would ignore me so then i ignored when he reached out and it goes in circles. At some point i started calling repeatedly saying “you wanted me to try for you so that’s what I’m doing” and i got blocked. Well after that he again said he loved me, confusing af and some days later he ghosted me, its been 13 days. I do want him to realise he made a bad decision but is it worth it, what should i do??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 12, 2020 at 1:53 pm

      Hi Aleksa so you need to stick to your no contact for your ex to realise that you are serious about walking away. You clearly know your worth more than what he was giving you so stick with that in mind. Your ex may not realise what he has done to cause this for sometime if ever. People do not like to be the bad guy in their stories, he will victimise himself and it will take some self reflecting on his part to see his chance in attitude caused the break down of the relationship. If you keep working the Ungettable information he will realise how great you are and thats when you start hearing form him again

  3. Avatar

    Tyler

    January 10, 2020 at 1:53 am

    My ex girlfriend and I meetup a few weeks ago and it went well. Last friday we made plans to meet but they feel through. I reached out with a text saying that this would be my last attempt to meetup and I got no reply.

    I kinda regret saying that only because I feel like I’ve closed the door for myself to reach out again. After 45 days of NC, what should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 14, 2020 at 9:08 pm

      Hi Tyler, after your 45 Day NC you can reach out to your ex with a text that Chris suggests to send

  4. Avatar

    Amy

    December 28, 2019 at 9:44 pm

    He ghosted me twice in a month. I don’t necessarily know if I want him back, but I’d like to keep the option open. We said we would meet for coffe about a week ago and he stopped answering my calls and texts. I sent him an angry text saying he was a coward, have I completely Effed everything up? or should I just keep going with no contact?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 29, 2019 at 11:32 pm

      Keep going with no contact, clearly even though he agreed to meeting he ghosted you shows he may not actually be ready to see you

  5. Avatar

    Sara

    December 4, 2019 at 10:17 am

    Hi again (reply to EBR team member’s reply to me).
    So I reached out again after a few days time via text, he did not reply this time either. It has now been one and a half week since we went out, and have not heard from him. Do you think he’s confused or what happened? What should I do from here?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:18 pm

      Hi Sara, what sort of message did you send? If he does not reply to you again then you would need to go into another no contact

  6. Avatar

    Sara

    December 1, 2019 at 1:03 pm

    Hi. A week ago I met up with my ex-boyfriend again for the first time. We had a really great time together. However, I have not heard from him since and he has not replied to the text I sent him (where I just said it was nice seeing him again). What happened? Can he still come back again?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 11:03 pm

      Hey Sara, so sometimes when an ex meets up with you they get confused in their feelings emotions etc. So he may have had a good time but then thought about the break up and why you ended so retreated a little, in a few days reach out with a text asking for advice or telling him something exciting to get him talking again

  7. Avatar

    Nicole

    September 9, 2019 at 5:50 am

    My Bf has always talked very highly of me, telling me how perfect I am and how I’m everything he’s ever wanted. He has also cried at the mention Of us having a baby. Long story short he texted me one day saying what he had going on for the day, he said he’d talk to me later when he was done and that he loved me.I replied with “have a good day, I love you too”. It’s now had been two weeks with no reply I sent two text which went unanswered. He will go on Instagram and Facebook and LOVE my posts/pics but won’t reach out which is confusing to me. I just found out today he blocked me off Facebook. I had a friend check into it and he is now in a relationship with someone else. I’m at a loss.

  8. Avatar

    Sara

    August 12, 2019 at 1:32 am

    Not sure if I have been ghosted or not. Had a boyfriend for about 1 1/2 years. Right before my birthday his mother suffered a stroke. She’s home now. Stayed in contact for over a month after she had the stroke. When he mentioned he was taking her home to get home care he then told me she needed to be number one priority which I completely understand. The calls became less and about a week after she was home I tried calling him before work. First call didn’t go through. Tried a second and left a message. Noticed after that when I left a text he blocked me. After about 3 days he unblocked me again but still hasn’t called me or responded back to my texts. Have I been ghosted?

  9. Avatar

    Caity

    July 6, 2019 at 10:22 am

    Hi there!
    My ex ghosted me a month ago. It’s pretty obvious we’re over if it’s been a month, but I did reach out more than once in the first week, no reply. So I’m currently doing no contact and it’s been 22 days now of no contact. He hasn’t reached out once. Do you think he will reach out? Also the last time I saw him we had a row. It wasn’t a bad one imo. Just a silly one because I felt like he didn’t care and wasn’t being supportive. Why did he ghost me instead of just saying he wanted to break up?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 6, 2019 at 10:58 pm

      Hi Caity….I think you stay strong with the NC and remember part of the NC process is your healing/recovery and continued personal growth. Just follow my Program teachings – covered in my eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” – as they will help you down this path. As far as why guys do certain things – just know they do and say foolish things at time for lots of reasons which are seldom your fault.

  10. Avatar

    AJ

    June 21, 2019 at 10:10 pm

    Hi,

    So I was with my girlfriend for quite a few years, was coming up close to 4 years. However for the last 6 months, I’d gone from being the love of her life almost. To something she had to reluctantly deal with, the ghosting began, no longer saw me, or wanted to see me. Except on her own terms, which usually meant her family events. But whenever I needed her, she was nowhere to be seen. So I decided in the end to play her at her own game almost, I started to stop bothering messaging. Since we had been together for a lengthy time, I didn’t want to just call it quits and she sure as hell wasn’t going to entertain a full blown conversation on the subject. So we never spoke for almost a month, I decided to try once more. And i was immediately responded that with all out aggression and anger, like a how dare you even contact me. Which made me feel worse than I already was feeling before, it was horrible. I never knew what to do, if any thing was the right thing to do or not. I just felt hopeless, clueless, and with no explanation whatsoever. Anyway fast forward a little longer, she has basically messaged saying since we haven’t spoken in like a month. We should maybe return each others belongings, so no attempt of talking it through even. I found it incredibly painful, sadly my mental state just deal with it all. My anxiety almost killed me, it crippled me even just knowing I’d received messages from her or even her family members. But either way, with a little help the exchange was made. I still haven’t spoken to her, she has however now started to message my mother a bit more. And she has even messaged me a couple of times, I’ve not looked at the messages mainly because I feel happier ignoring them (I think).

    The main reason I’m writing, is a) for my own head space and b) what would you do if they were messaging for you back.

    I do still stupidly love her, feelings dont go away just like that. But my trust and respect for her have been massively damaged. Anyway I would appreciate someone elses opinion, I’m in limbo big time and feel like maybe some other peoples experiences and feelings may help me.

    Apologies for the mammoth story by the way!!

  11. Avatar

    Katie

    May 23, 2019 at 5:28 am

    Hi, just wondering if I could get some advice.
    Been seeing a guy for 3 months – been going really well, informally met the parents, stayed over at his regular basis, saw each other once a week. He would text me every day, no regular routine but I would always hear from him. Last weekend, he got ill and I text to see if he was ok and he replied, however he never replied to my response and that was 4 days ago.
    Now I don’t know if I’m being ghosted or not, not sure if I should reach out to check in as he might just be unwell or busy catching up with the work he missed. Or do I keep wanting it out?

  12. Avatar

    Mary Smith

    January 3, 2019 at 9:48 am

    Hi I don’t know if I have been ghosted or not. Just before Christmas my fiancé and I were talking about having a baby and moving back in together. For Christmas he had to go back to his home country to look after a relative. He has sent text messages but hasn’t rang like he said he woul. Last Saturday was his birthday. I sent a text saying happy birthday and he replied thank you very much. I then texted are you back in London? I haven’t heard from him since then. What does that sound like to you?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 3, 2019 at 11:18 pm

      Hi Mary!

      Not sure what he is not communicating now. Wait a few more days, then try another message. Perhaps there is an innocent explanation as to why his communications halted.

  13. Avatar

    Arthur

    November 6, 2018 at 4:12 pm

    Firstly, I’d like to say thanks for the content. There were a lot of truths in here that I identified with and it has helped with getting my head in a better place. My situation isn’t a real heart wrenching one but I’m sure others have been through something similar so I thought I might share my story, if not for anyone else’s benefit its a helpful exercise for me.

    I met a young lady through a family friend at a house party. We had been on the periphery of each others social circles but never really talked before. We exchanged some nervous eye contact throughout the night and eventually came together when the party started to thin out and ended up just dancing for hours. I had thought about making a move but thought it may be inappropriate seeing as she was close to a friend of mine and about 5 years younger than myself. To my surprise, the next day my close friend asked me if he could give my number to the girl I danced all night with, I was a little skeptical at first, took the day to think about it then decided what the heck, I haven’t been on a date in a few months, this would be good for me. We had a first date, we had a first kiss, we expressed our interest in one another. We had a second date, ended up having a bit too much to drink, she took me home and as much as I tried to slow her advances (honestly I did try, as I was scared of moving too fast. I wanted to get to know her), but her persistence paid off and I spent a lovely night and morning with her before we parted ways again. She asked me that same morning if I was going to be like all the other guys and just disappear, I found this reassuring that she genuinely liked me and that we had established an emotional connection, and I reassured her that I wasn’t going anywhere. Span ahead another week, we keep texting regularly and happily, then she confided in me towards the end of the week that she had caused herself a great deal of anxiety by accepting a social invitation to attend a party that her most recent ex was also attending. I asked her why it caused her so much anxiety and she confided in me that she was the one that was dumped in that relationship and that he wasn’t the greatest boyfriend (self absorbed and not very caring). I tried to help her prepare mentally by suggesting they have a talk about where they both are at as she sounded unsure about the whole thing (I think he knows we are just friends, I think he is dating someone else right now – quotes). We went for a walk and dinner the following day and she already seemed to start pulling away at this point, she shied away from my advances just to try and hold her hand, that sort of thing. The weekend goes by and the texts become less and less frequent. I sense a stronger pull back and I tried to back off with the texting. Wednesday rolls around and we hadn’t chatted much, maybe a few times a day, so I decided I would try to do something cute and nice for her. I knew she had a test that Wednesday so I wrote a note just saying hey you are a good person and you are going to do great! I get almost no response to the gesture, all she did was ask if it was me, I tried to be playful by acting dumb but referencing the note to let her know it was me and I got nothing again. That evening she complained about how stressful her day was so I asked her if she wanted to talk about it. She said no. I told her if she ever wants to call me to chat she can, she just replied she doesn’t like to talk on the phone. I left it there and the next morning I wake up to a text sent late at night saying she thinks I’m a great guy and that she has enjoyed the time we spent together, but that she is not sure if this could work right now because she has to do some soul searching in her life to find out what she wants. I took this very hard as I thought things were going well and I was really in to her. I replied the next day with a generic ok take some time to think about things and let me know when you are ready to chat about it. Probably not the best response but I was in hurt mode and reached out perhaps when I shouldn’t have but I still wanted her to see that I care about her somehow. Its been about a week of NC now, I can see that she has been watching my snapchat stories (I have NOT checked hers), and I’m just wondering now what my steps should be for the next little while. We are both attending a wedding anniversary in about 3 weeks time, and I’m assuming I will not see or contact her until then.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 6, 2018 at 10:37 pm

      Hi Arthur!

      Thank your for your lengthy comment and also for your kind words. Yes, getting our head in the right place so we don’t get in our own way is very important. So there is a lot going on in your story and its impossible for me to comment on everything here. Frankly, the most practical thing you should consider doing is picking up my core eBook, “Ex Girlfriend Recovery Pro”. The core ebook sold on this site is for both guys and gals. I also have a site called exgirlfriendrecovery.com that may be of interest to you. But by picking up my 485 page eBook, you will be much further along on how to manage thru this post breakup period.

  14. Avatar

    Leanne

    August 5, 2018 at 9:00 am

    My ex and I broke up 2 months ago (dating for 2 months). Said he wasn’t happy (lies) he kept in touch with me wanting to be friends while he was meeting other girls. recently we got close and started hanging out more often and he opens up to me as usual. He started talking future again and how he missed me and never wants me to leave him etc. seen him Friday and bang he disappeared, blocked my number but still checks my snap stories

  15. Avatar

    Was I ghosted?

    April 24, 2018 at 5:35 am

    I’m not sure if I was ghosted or not , so I met a guy about 6 months ago , he was head over heels for me but at the time I didn’t want a relationship and was kind of annoyed with how pushy he was about being toghter so I blew him off but then realized I wanted to be wth him , he switched up and said he didn’t want to anymore but we continued to talk and somtimes hang out but communication got less and less so last week about 6 days ago he cane into my work and we talked everything was good and the next day I text a simple hey what are you doing , and got no response but it was late at night so I assumed nothing of it but then the next morning he was watching my Snapchat stories

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 24, 2018 at 3:20 pm

      Hi there…maybe he got his feelings hurt and is being a little passive aggressive in his actions. Maybe he is unsure what he wants and is looking for you to chase him a bit to show you do indeed value him. Pick up a copy of my ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” as it will prepare you well for how to optimize your chances if you want this relationship back (go to website Menu/Products link). You really want to have all the best tactics at your disposal. I think the chances are better than average here.

  16. Avatar

    Confused

    March 7, 2018 at 10:58 pm

    Oops! Sorry I wasn’t clear. I meant do you think I have a chance if I reach out in the future? Even though he enddd things with me because he meant someone new? And if so how long would you suggest I wait? Or is it a lost cause and I should just move on?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 11, 2018 at 9:01 am

      Yup, it’s better if you move on.

  17. Avatar

    confused

    March 4, 2018 at 4:58 am

    I realized I made a type on in my new post! I meant the convo ended with me asking if I could text him in the future, would it go ignored. He said probably not, but we can’t hang out anymore for respect to her :/

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 7, 2018 at 12:39 pm

      You just have to keep being active in your life. Moving on means doing what you should be doing no matter what you feel..

  18. Avatar

    confused

    March 3, 2018 at 9:13 pm

    So I did it. I got a response from him…I texted: Heads up for the future: If you are spending time with a girl on a regular basis and sleeping with her the whole time, doing the whole ghosting thing is a complete dick move. He wrote back instantly that I am right and he is so sorry. He just did not know how to tell me that he met someone else. I then asked if we could talk and he called me. We had a discussion. I was not very proud of what I said though :/ I asked him if the girl is his gf and he said not yet but it might happen in the future. I said I was not good enough to turn into his gf. He said no the timing was off. When he met me he was depressed and in a weird head space, and was still hung up on his ex. I said ok so you used me the whole time. He said I did not know you were interested. I thought you just wanted to have fun like me and we did have fun. I said I was interested in him and the reason I did not make a move is because I knew he was going to move 2 hours away soon and I did not know if he wanted to commit to anyone because of it. I asked does the other girl know he is moving? He said yes. You guys going to still be together when you move? He said he did not know. He brought up how we would sometimes go weeks without talking I did not know you wanted more. I said ya and me not talking to you for 2-3 weeks was me waiting for you to text me first. You to come to me, and you didn’t so I would cave and text you. I said I just don’t understand how you can just find someone new when I was there the whole time. It’s like I was not good enough. He said it was just timing. At the time we met he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I said but you magically decided you were recently and got her, when I was there the whole time in front of you. He said I don’t know what to tell you she swept him off his feet when he met her through friends and at the time we weren’t speaking (the time I went into 21 days after our last date for him to chase me). I was like ya whos fault is it we weren’t talking? I was waiting for you to talk to me first instead of me texting you every few days. I wanted to see if you were interested. Again he kept bringing up its how it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, it’s about timing. About how sorry he was for not communicating with me. That he did not know how to tell me and it was tearing him inside, and we didn’t speak for a bit and he had all these emotions and he did not know how to deal with it. He wished me happiness and hopes I find the right guy that gives me everything I want. I asked him if I texted him in the future would he ignore me. He said I guess but out of respect to her he can’t hang out with me.

    All that being said. I don’t really know how to feel….Knowing that he’s ok being with someone serious here when he is moving makes me hurt that that person couldn’t be me. That’s what was holding me back. At the same time we were together just over a year, if he was really interested he would have made a move. Doing NC and him not coming to me proves he clearly wasn’t :/

    What would my next step be if I’m not really ready to move just yet…

  19. Avatar

    Brigit

    March 1, 2018 at 9:59 pm

    My ex and I met on Tinder.
    It was actually surprising that we started to date and I ended up caring so much since I wasn’t into him as much he was into me (at first).
    We dated for 2 months, we were seeing eachother every day, eating together, sleeping together, taking endlessly about stuff. We were very similar in many ways and he noticed it too (so it’s not a one-sided view).
    He told me he loved me after 1 month of dating and that he is afraid of getting “addicted to me”.
    After 1 month and a half of dating, he left for a few weeks to another city with a big work project (which he told me it was very important to him and had a large impact on his career).
    Our communication slowly eroded in these weeks: at first we were talking daily, but after a while he began reaching out to me once every 2-3 days, or even longer.
    I of course called him out on it, though I made it clear I understood the importance of his project to him, mentioning that I needed just a daily text to know he is okay during this time.
    During my birthday we had a fight on the phone (actually he was very calm and I erupted out of frustration) about the fact that I was feeling ignored.
    I did tell him that I would find someone else if he’d continue doing that to me (I regret saying this).
    The following day he sent me a long message in which he asked for a break to sort things out in his mind
    (he blamed himself for his behaviour, saying that he didn’t know why he acted like he did and that he sees himself as bein selfish)
    and that we would see eachother after New Year’s (this was in December). I did not reply to his message at that time.
    I reached out on 1st of January to wish him “Happy new year”. He responded cordially, but seemed happy overall.
    I told him I wasn’t doing as good as he was (obvious hint). His reply was only a sad 🙁 emoji. Then I told him I would never reach out to him ever again (emotions ran high).
    He didn’t reply.

    I did NC for 2 weeks, yet during this time I have been consumed by guilt over my last statement so I reached out again to apologize via IM.
    He responded after a few hours that he felt that he should apologize and that he would call me to meet up the following week.
    Following week passed and he didn’t call.
    I again called him under the pretext of asking “how’s it going?” and he seemed surprised and rather distant.
    He told me he didn’t forget he had to call me and that he’d call the following week.I told him he doesn’t have to meet up if he doesn’t want to. He assured me he did want to meet and that he’ll call.
    It’s been approximetly 35 days (days of NC) since then and he hasn’t call or tried to reach out in any shape or form. I thought we had something special and he did give me the impression that he really liked me.

    What should I do? I get the feeling that he won’t be reaching out till the end of 45 days of NC.
    I don’t want to nag him and I tried my best no to nag him in the past.

    I’m left hurt and I feel a bit guilty over things I said and I’m constantly blaming myself.
    He is also very often active on facebook. So he should have time to write to me.

    What do you you guys think?

    Thank you for this website, it have read and reread a lot of your articles.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 5, 2018 at 2:18 pm

      Hi Brigit ur,

      He’s ghosting you and yet you’re the one feeling guilty? It’s better to move on from him..

  20. Avatar

    Confused

    February 28, 2018 at 8:22 pm

    I honestly don’t even want to try to get him back. It’s not worth letting someone once your life who thinks it’s totally ok to just disappear one day with no explaination when you’ve done absolutely nothing and have been talking several times a week and seeing each other several times a month for over a year…Someone who considers women or friends so disposable that they do that are not the type of person I want in my life. I just really didn’t expect it from him. That being said do I really just let it be? Delete and move on or should I tell him a piece of my mind? Tell him what he did is really immature (we are both 30! We aren’t juvenile!) and disrespectful, and I did not expect this behaviour from him. That treating women and friends like they are disposable like this is beyond rude, and we should be able to be adults about it and talk about what is going on instead of just cutting someone out like this….I know maybe it makes me look clingy or crazy and I know he definitely won’t reply, but saying it makes me feel like I’m not putting up with his actions and I’m not a fool…I don’t know. What would you advice? Really just keep my mouth shut and delete or call him out?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 1, 2018 at 11:53 am

      For me say what you want to say to him in the most dignified way you can and then move on

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