By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 22nd, 2021

As I’ve said many times, the Ex Boyfriend Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. For some women, it can take a shorter period of time to get their ex’s back, but for many of it, it can take much longer. I myself am about 6 months into the process. And it’s had its ups and downs, let me tell you.

The recovery process can take a lot of twists and turns, and sometimes that means receiving mixed signals from your ex.

These hot and cold interactions are not fun, but they are a part of the process as your ex deals with his feelings about you. The most important thing is to keep your emotions in check. He may be nice and sweet and then lash out a couple days, or even hours later, which is why it is so important to keep a cool head.

As always, I will be using Buffy the Vampire Slayer references to illustrate my points. A little background for those of you who may not be acquainted with the brilliance of this show, and if that’s the case you should remedy that immediately:

Buffy meets Spike in season 2 and they are mortal enemies,as slayers and vampires are. However, due to a number of reasons that I won’t go into the details of, he eventually ends up fighting by her side, more or less, and feelings begin to develop…on his end.

He makes them known to her in mid season 5, and she rejects him… harshly.

But then, in season 6, when she is in the midst of recovering from some really dark stuff, which, again, I won’t go into, they begin a sexual relationship.

For him, it is one of love, but for her, it is a way of coping and healing something within herself. She can’t seem to stop herself from being with him, but she hates herself for it at the same time. As a result of this, she ends up beating him up a lot, but the two seconds later, they’re having sex so fiery that they destroy the entire house. Talk about mixed signals and hot and cold behavior.

“I have come to redefine the words ‘pain’ and ‘suffering’ since falling in love with you.” – Spike

So, that is the backstory I want you to keep in mind as I make these references.
Let’s explore. What are the reasons your ex may be acting nice, but then turning from Jekyll to Hyde and being mean?

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He’s Working out His Feelings

Honestly, this is probably the most likely. And it’s the best option when you are trying to get your ex back. If your ex is working out their feelings, it means that there are feelings still there, which is an automatic point in your favor.

Buffy is definitely working out some feelings in season 6. But the truth is, not much of it has to do with Spike. A lot of it has to do with working out her own personal demons and Spike happens to be, as she puts it “convenient.” She denies that they have a connection, calling him a monster, but then the next episode is back is his crypt tearing things apart and ending up under a rug.

When people break up, it is very rare that they are 100% certain of their decision. Most of the time, there is some lingering doubt. Almost all the guys who have ever broken up with me have said some iteration of the following:

“I’m sure I’ll regret this someday.”

And they always do.

It is your job to try and show them that their doubts are well founded. But don’t tell them why they made a mistake. Show them.

He may be trying to talk himself into reasons why he shouldn’t be with you. But if he’s expressed that he wants you in his life in some capacity, he likely has some feelings left over. They might be emotional and romantic, the feelings might be more of the “friend” connection that he misses or they might be sexual in nature. A big part of this recovery process is using the tools to shift your guy’s mindset from logical mode to emotional mode. Make is so that his feelings for you are so strong that he throws logic out the window because he can’t stand to not have you as his girlfriend. Pinpoint why he wants you in his life, and work to make him see the whole picture so that you are absolutely irresistible to him.

If you get the sense his feelings for you are still romantic, work on addressing the issues that you know he had with the relationship that may be keeping him from you. Really, you should be doing this anyway. This is an important step of No Contact – to evaluate yourself and your relationship.

If you think he just misses you as a friend, force him to see you in a romantic/sexual way. Up the flirting, but do not resort to having sex with him. That puts you in the dangerous friends with benefits category. Focus on small sexual innuendos, refer in passing to past sexual experiences the two of you had, and use some subtly body language. And of course, wear red and accentuate your womanly assets when hanging out. These are all tools to force him to stop seeing you as “just a friend.”

Speaking of, if you sense that’s what he wants from you, your job is to get him to see you more romantically – get him to open up and feel emotionally safe with you. See if you can get him to reminisce about a trip the two of you took. Ask him about his family, his job, the things you know are important to him. Do what you can to make him feel like he can emotionally trust you. Guys are taught by society that they should not show vulnerability, so if he is able to do that with you, it is a huge deal.

You have to approach this logically. Make a list of the important points of your interactions with him, and try to gauge what you think his intentions are. Then go on from there and make another list of what actions you need to take to force him to see you in the more romantic/sexual/friend, whichever, way.

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Girlfriend material is all of these things wrapped up in one. So it is important that if you think he is zeroing in on one aspect of your relationship together, that you force him to see you as the whole package.

He Wants to Keep You as an Option

One of the weirdest things I’ve ever experienced was breaking up with a guy, but getting jealous when he moved on. I couldn’t figure out why! I didn’t want to be with him, so why should I care if he had moved on to someone else?

I’ve come to realize that this feeling, however strange, is completely normal. We all want to be wanted, even if we don’t want the person in question. And we all want a safety net – we want to keep our options open.

Back to my Buffy and Spike analogy: After Xander and Anya break up in season 6, and Buffy has yet again spurned Spike, Anya and Spike sleep together, out of hurt and wanting comfort with another person. When Buffy finds out about the affair, it is clear that she is hurt, even though she has explicitly said over and over again that she has no feelings for Spike.


Because clearly there ARE feelings there. Even though she claims she doesn’t want to be with him.

Spike, she is hurt and jealous when he is with someone else. She enjoys keeping him around as an option.

Your ex may not want to be with you now, but they probably don’t want you to move on, either. They may want to have a security blanket, so that if they aren’t able to find someone else “better than you”, you’ll still be there, waiting in the wings.

It’s unlikely that they are thinking this consciously. But if they broke up with you and it wasn’t amicable, they probably assume that you are prepared to sit around and do a bit of waiting, so they play this hot and cold game with you to try to and hook you in, then push you away. It’s all about making sure that you are available.

My advice? Scare them. Use some of the push/pull method. Show them you’re not available to them whenever they want. This is one of the main cornerstones of being an Ungettable Girl. Do a week or so of No Contact once in a while. Post photos with other guys to get some jealousy flowing. Don’t hang out with him every time he asks, and don’t initiate all the time. Force him to chase you more – it will get him more invested if he thinks you are slipping from his reach.

Don’t let yourself be an option. Force him to view you as a choice.

He’s Toying with You

Now it could be that your ex is just a cruel mean person and is toying with you. In breakups, there are winners and losers, as much as we try and deny that fact. Your ex could be trying to get the upper hand so that he is in the position of power over you, and therefore, “winning.” He could not want you to move on – not because he wants you as an option, but because he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

If this is the case, I want you to seriously consider if you want to be with this person. If this person is genuinely toying with you with no confusing feelings on his end, l recommend you look back on your relationship. I suspect that he has a history of being manipulative and needing to have the upper hand in relationships.

I think No Contact is what I would recommend in this case – perhaps indefinitely. I’d also recommend doing some serious soul-searching and work on yourself so that you can determine what you need to do for yourself to move forward – with or without him.

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A Balancing Act

I told someone in our Facebook group just today that I think of this process a lot like a balance scale. When you and your ex break up and he’s made it clear he still wants you in his life, you have to figure out why. It’s in that time you need to walk the fine line between the Friend Zone and Friends with Benefits. Once that scale is more or less even, I recommend doing what I suggested above – pinpoint the reason for your ex’s doubts and work on those.

In general, I would say that the majority of times an ex is indulging in Jekyll and Hyde – or “hot and cold” – behavior, it is because they are conflicted in their feelings for you. Once you have balanced the scale and have established yourself as neither “just friend” nor “friends with benefits”, you can start to get to work on making him see you as the full girlfriend package.

Hot and cold behavior means that you absolutely, positively, MUST keep your emotional cool. It’s likely that your ex will say stuff to try and ruffle you, but it is essential that you do not let them. If they bring up their dating life, say “oh, that’s nice.” Then change the subject. Act is if you couldn’t care less about what they’re doing or who they’re dating.

He also may try to bring up old arguments from the relationship. Do not indulge in this.

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Think of it as a test, even if it’s not – he may be trying to see if you’ll react the same way you used to. Show him that you’ve changed. Keep your emotional cool. Treat this hot and cold behavior as part of the game and keep your eye on the big picture. Ask yourself if what he says now is really going to matter next week.

If he’s being flat out cruel, of course, don’t put up with that and stand up for yourself. As I mentioned, if he is simply toying with you, consider your reasons for wanting him back. But, in general, I would say hot and cold behavior is a positive sign. It means they’re conflicted about you. And if they’re conflicted about you, that means that you have the power to tip the scale in your favor.

It takes some time for Buffy and Spike, but they eventually come to an even, balanced place of mutual respect and admiration in season 7. And hey, I even hear they get together as an official couple in the season 9 comics!

(Written by Rachel)

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58 thoughts on “Why is My Ex Boyfriend Nice And Then Mean?”

  1. Tired

    January 23, 2020 at 10:07 am

    I’m seriously struggling with a hot and cold ex. In the last few weeks we go through these periods of talking lots, often hours per day, and being really flirty. I’ve been initiating most of the conversations but he has recently started to initiate sometimes too.

    Then, every time I think things are going a lot better, he will do something like suddenly start repeatedly ignoring me for no obvious reason, snap at me, tell me that the flirting “is all talk and doesn’t mean he actually wants to meet up”, block me and then unblock me again, tell me he doesnt trust me, or tell me he doesnt want us to talk anymore.

    Then, just when I think its all over, he will surprise me with small efforts to be nice… But sometimes he does that in hot and cold, weird ways as well… For example recently he messaged me with a happy new years message on NYE, then on NYD he said he wished he’d never sent the message. He then proceeded to talk to me that day for something like 13 hours and at the end of the day I had to ignore him coz he just kept talking after I said I was going to bed.

    So often after he’s been distant things will get nice again, we will get really talkative and flirty again, for a few days until the next time he pushes me away.

    In the last few days i noticed him suddenly being nicer to me than he has been in a long time. I told him i’d noticed and he said he has been making a conscious effort to be more polite. I was thrilled that we were finally making progress, but as soon as he said this, he then immediately proceeded to push me away again and then started to repeatedly ignore me.

    By this point i am sick of the hot-cold behaviour and i finally snapped and said something about it. His response was to get really defensive and tell me I was making accusations and that he finds me exhausting and doesn’t care about me, then when I tried to change the subject he blocked me again. I’m worried it may be for good this time.

    I’m trying to be patient with his weird behaviour and tell myself he is just scared to trust me, but its hard, im not sure if fear is all it is, and its just been such a rollercoaster. I don’t know how to deal with him or how to stay calm around him, I’m losing my patience

  2. An

    September 5, 2019 at 8:21 pm

    Thank you for this article. Im about 8 weeks back in touch with my ex, we have been emailing first, calling and seeing eachother and lastly chatting (unblocked on skype). I have stayed over at his house a lot and yes we are having sex.
    We had one set back when I wasnt responding too quickly to his emails and he got annoyed by that. And just now we are having a set back again: he said yesterday that he is glad he has been a support for me while my mom went through some health issues (thats how we got back talking again) and now that she is stable, he thinks it is best we both go back to our own paths. He said in the beginning he didnt want this to be a window for us getting back together and I made my feelings clear and also that I did want us to get back together. Yesterday he said that again. I got sad but tried to stay as calm as possible. He also mentioned the situation that broke us up back which hurt me as I want to leave that in the past and move on. The last 1.5 week he was being nice and very communicative, even when he went traveling (and bought me some shoes). Im trying to stay as cool as I can and stay hopefull while protecting myself aswell. Is it possible he says he doesn’t want to get back together, his actions show something else, and he also wants the opposite?

  3. Tiffany

    May 24, 2019 at 1:01 pm

    My ex-boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me Sept 2017 unexpectedly. I found out he was cheating on me with a younger woman. After the break up I tried desperately for 3 months to get back with him. I did everything in the book that you shouldn’t do. Eventually, I stopped. We did keep InTouch here in there, but for the most part I had moved on with my life and I let him and his new girlfriend enjoy their new lives together.
    A year later in October 2018 I noticed my ex started texting and calling me. Eventually those text and calls happened EVERYDAY several times a day for hour at a time. Then I found out that he and his girlfriend broke up. We continued to talk and text on a regular basis. We even started hanging out together. He’s a travel electric, so when he came home in November 2018 he gave me the keys back to house.
    February 2018 he bought me a ticket to go see him in Nebraska for a week. We were having a really good time then all of a sudden he said, “Just because you here doesn’t mean we’re boyfriend and girlfriend.” I didn’t respond.
    A few weeks ago he mentioned to me that he noticed that he’s the one that does all the calling. I told him that I didn’t notice, but I said I think that is because he works nights so I wait for him to get up to call me to let me know he’s available. I did tell him that I would do better with calling him so it won’t be one-sided. His response was, “You don’t owe me anything.” I told him it wasn’t matter of owing anyone anything. He made an observation and I was assuming he did that to correct it. So I said I would do better.
    Since that conversation, I’ve noticed that when I do call him we will only talk for a few minutes then he would say he would call me right back, but he never does. Or vice versa. He has slacked up all together with the communication and I don’t push the issue. In the past I would be asking him what’s wrong or if I did anything wrong. But this time, I just act as if nothing is wrong. He ask me if I’m going on dates. I tell him no. Sometimes he’ll say he almost get excited at the thought of me going on date. I never respond.
    If there is anything I need he will take care of it. Might I add that we did start back being intimate in December 2018.

    What is going on with him? Is he playing games with me or is there a chance that he does want to get back together?

  4. Joan

    February 1, 2018 at 4:07 am

    He always says his biggest issue with me is that I will go off on him , and I explained why I do that sometimes it’s usually because he’ll be all lovey sober one minute and the next will leave my message on read then blame it on he’s busy , which even tho he is busy that’s just an excuse ..

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2018 at 11:35 am

      Hi Joan,

      You’ve been trying to get him back for two year? If yes, then you’re probably friendzoned or he’s stringing you along because you’re just there.. If you’re going to do nc again, mean it. Start a new routine that you would continue doing if you don’t get him back or while slowly building rapport and I think you need to do a long one, like months. Like the advice in this one:
      How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back

  5. Joan

    February 1, 2018 at 4:06 am

    So my ex of almost two years , is acting nice then mean . I understand the issues that we had in our relationship and I’ve been trying to fix them and even mentioned to him ways we can better ourselves for each other . He says he missing me and blah blah blah . But we’ll be good for a couple of days then it if no where he’ll say he doesn’t want to talk then he’ll change his mind . I feel like he’s sorting it his feelings but how do I get him out of that without doing NC , but I’ve already done it rice and he knows about it he told me about it the first time we ever broke up .

  6. Lis

    January 17, 2018 at 6:36 pm

    I did text him after 3 days and no reply he is ignoring me so i jus quit. I have to give up because he seems he doesnt want hear from me it doesnt matter for him if the text is so interesting or not he force himself to ignore and he is ignoring. I know i need to move but i dont want to. I want him back but obviously he doesnt want me at all.

  7. Lis

    January 16, 2018 at 5:25 pm

    Hi again,
    Do I need to wait 2 weeks ,because I know his interests already and can start a new conversation with a more interesting topic and I dont want to time pass alot because I already did 2 nc. period so the fact that he responded about that issue he can maybe willing to response to this interstig topic. Is it that necesary to wait?

  8. Lis

    January 15, 2018 at 5:45 pm

    After nc period my 2 attempts were failed because he didnot reply to my interesting texts. Then i did 25 days nc and inititaed again by asking him help about my medical situation he apply and help me solve this with aproximetly 3 textt and i thanked him and he knew that how serious this medical situation but did not ask me how i handled the situation ir how am i know or wht is the results of my tests. It was a serious disease and he didnot ask me about that it has been 2 days. What do you suggest, should i just wait forever or text him again with sweet update(situation is not good by the way, i am going to be tested again in hosptl.) I dont know why he did not ask about my that serious issues it is so rude. Is he afraid of hearing the bad news. I didnot understand what i shoul do hep please.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 15, 2018 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Lis,

      it did make him reply because he knows he has to reply to help you but it’s not an interesting topic but at least you know he’s willing to help.. So, rest for two weeks, list his favorite topic and work around that.. and if you are going to wait for him to initiate, set a limit until when before you move on.

  9. Sarah

    December 21, 2017 at 9:27 pm

    Okay, so how do I get him to actually want a relationship with me if he’s stringing me along?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 25, 2017 at 9:41 pm

      talk to him calmly and sincerely for the last time on what the real score on the both of you is.. if he says, he doesn’t want to make it exclusive with you, decide if you want to move on or not.. If not, try the no contact rule, do at least 30 days. Be active in improving yourself and in doing post that doesn’t disappear after 24 hours and keep doing that after nc, while slowly rebuilding rapport.

  10. Sarah

    December 16, 2017 at 4:52 pm

    Hello! I’d really appreciate you all’s help in figuring this out. So, there is a guy that has liked me for a long time. Each time, I ignored his feelings, and several times I was in a relationship. However, when I first saw him this year, I knew that I wanted to give us a shot, but I was in a relationship, which I had already intended to end soon, so I called him up and told him how I felt, which may have not been smart since he was talking to someone else, but not dating her, but he had continuously reached out to me even as he had been talking to her. When I told him how he felt, he said he felt the same way as me, so I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, but the first red flag was that he said he didn’t want a relationship right away, but he kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend in a couple of months, saying it would make me “look bad” if I just got out of a relationship and then started talking to him. We were talking, hanging out on several occasions, and just one week ago we were still doing this. However, this week has been so strange. He keeps pulling away, making faces at me when he doesn’t think I’m looking, refusing to look at me, and just being a jerk kind of, which isn’t like him with me. I asked him if something was wrong, and he said no. He’ll give me mixed signals, like scooting closer to me and then not talking to me the rest of the day; I just want to know what you all think is up; could it have to do with the other girl? Is he playing mind games? Ever since we started “talking,” he has seemed to have his reservations. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 19, 2017 at 6:42 pm

      he’s stringing you along..

  11. Emma

    December 15, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    Hello! I’d really appreciate you all’s help in figuring this out. So, there is a guy that has liked me for a long time. Each time, I ignored his feelings, and several times I was in a relationship. However, when I first saw him this year, I knew that I wanted to give us a shot, but I was in a relationship, which I had already intended to end soon, so I called him up and told him how I felt, which may have not been smart since he was talking to someone else, but not dating her, but he had continuously reached out to me even as he had been talking to her. When I told him how Infelt, he said he felt the same way as me, so I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, but the first red flag was that he said he didn’t want a relationship right away, but he kept telling me he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend in a couple of months, saying it would make me “look bad” if I just got out of a relationship and then started talking to him. We were talking, hanging out on several occasions, and just one week ago we were still doing this. However, this week has been so strange. He keeps pulling away, making faces at me when he doesn’t think I’m looking, refusing to look at me, and just being a jerk kind of, which isn’t like him with me. I asked him if something was wrong, and he said no. He’ll give me mixed signals, like scooting closer to me and then not talking to me the rest of the day; what really got my attention is when I congradulated him on an award he received, and he didn’t reply to my text, and that was three days ago, which he hasn’t texted me since. I just want to know what you all think is up; could it have to do with the other girl? Is he playing mind games? Ever since we started “talking,” he has seemed to have his reservations. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 19, 2017 at 6:42 pm

      he’s stringing you along..

  12. Eva

    December 4, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    Hey guys,

    my LDR Ex and me just got into the good talking and easy going period, after a shorter No Contact. we laughed more, clicked again and I was an amazing person. We could even talk about heavy topics. Now it seemed it got too close for him again and he exploded (again he did that often in the relationship) and pushed me away. He is really cruel when doing this, telling me he is tired, he is rather alone, he cannot accept me fully, sometimes that he hates me, he doesn’t want me or he cannot imagine a life without me.

    When he cools down everything is fine again (he rarely apologises btw). He can be pretty sweet, but I am not sure if this is a committment phobia or if he is just toying or if he is insecure. (there are a lot of topics bothering him, like where to life, religion, our characters etc).

    mostly he now asks for 1 or 2 days space. So what should I do to not run after and what is this behaviour? Should i step back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2017 at 7:48 pm

      Hi Eva,

      how long was your previous nc and why did you do a shorter nc after that?

  13. Joanne

    November 25, 2017 at 5:30 am

    Ex asked me to get back together yesterday, I agreed yet when I said when are we meeting he seemed to give me the cold shoulder and mixed signals . He didn’t pin down a date & wasn’t polite in certain comments . then said he will unblock me yet he hasn’t, nor has he contacted me today , he did agree to meet me this weekend , I think to just play more games or tell me what I want to hear , given I’m not sure he wanted to meet at all. I think he is still with his rebound gf even tho he says he isn’t . Do I have nc with him and if I do what do I say when he contacts me , given he didn’t meet me today and I haven’t heard from him since he said we are back together . What shall I say if he contacts me . Why is he still playing games. Should I have not been so quick to say yes I want to us back together. Pls help . I’m very confused .

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 27, 2017 at 8:18 am

      Hi Joanne,

      Have you talked by now?

  14. Courtney

    September 21, 2017 at 9:14 pm

    So I am a week broken up with the Ex. He broke it off with me bc lately we have been constantly fighting. Me feeling insecure as a result of his distance and then overreacting when something doesnt go my way or when I dont like something he says. The first few days after we broke up I did the typical ‘please take me back’ and ‘why dont you want me’ cries. He never ignored me and always responded but was firm that he and I were broken up. He said something however to make me think that he has not completely shut that door. While we were texting back and forth in a heated discussion, he told me that I was so busy worried about what I wasn’t getting that I failed to think about his needs. It was in this moment that I knew he was right. He also stated that if we were to come back together now it would be the same thing. So I asked if he needed time – he said that we don’t work as a couple. I don’t understand him, don’t give him space (after an argument) and we don’t like the same things. As the text exchanges went on, I asked him if ‘the door was shut’ on us –
    he very clearly stated that it was until he sees a reason to open it. I took that to mean he wants to see changes in me. At that moment I backed off and I did not contact for a couple days. We are on a softball team and we each responded to the team email advising we would be present (me first). He also stated that he had to leave early. The next day, w/o any provocation he sent a follow up email asking if there would be an issue with him leaving, and then invited the team to his bar for drinks after the game. This is game day. Later that evening he text me asking if I was going to the game to which I replied ‘yes’. He followed up by saying “I just want you to know that I will still cheer you on and help you”. I didnt respond. Backing up this was something we decided to do together as a way to bond. I have never participated in sports and he is a true athlete at heart. Before the game he made small talk with me and I was just normal. He then asked if I would be coming to the bar with the team. I told him I wasnt sure if the invite extended to me – and he confirmed it did (bc I was on the team). So we are playing all is well. He has to leave mid game, and calls out bye to me, and says to come to the bar. We won our game so I text him to tell him and he replied with the bar address. I said ‘theyre coming’ and he replied ‘you?’ and I said yes. I had to drop off a friend so I didnt get there with the team and he text me right away asking where was I. Now, when I left, we hugged and I said to him “talk to you later?” he said yes. I left my ATM card at the bar and he sounded a bit annoyed having to recover it for me when I asked him. IDK if he thinks I did that on purpose as a ploy or what, but I didn’t. When I got home, bc I live a ways away, I let him know I was home safe. He gave me a short response “coo”. To which I replied “I hope you get off soon”. Nothing. This morning I sent him a good morning text and just told him that I had so much fun and appreciate him helping to me to push outside of my comfort zone. It has been 6 hrs and nothing. I don’t know what to think; I don’t know what to do. I really want him back and I see how my faults contributed to me not getting from him what I was complaining about. I know I have to see/hear from him again bc we have a championship game next wk, and he has my ATM card. I am not planning to reach out to him, but to allow him to reach out to me. BUT idk if he needs space or if he just wants to be over and just being nice to me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 27, 2017 at 1:00 pm

      Start nc instead.. Check this one because you’re in the same team:
      EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend

  15. Kate

    September 14, 2017 at 3:48 pm

    I’m in a bit of a strange predicament. We haven’t actually broken up yet, but I’ve been trying to follow a lot of the steps on this website, although slightly modified, to fit my situation. The past two weeks I’ve felt my boyfriend becoming more and more distant. He get’s annoyed easily and will sometimes up and leave after only being at my house for 5-10minutes. He’s unofficially been living with me (meaning he’s there majority of the time, has items he consistently keeps at my place, but has a home somewhere else that he actually pays rent at) and we’ve been together a little over a year. Last weekend we went four days without talking. I tried to reach out on Friday and ended up with no response. When we finally talked on Monday he said I was hypocritical when I asked why he hadn’t reached out, saying I didn’t try either and that my text on Friday was close-ended. I’m aware of the signs that he’s been trying to push me away, and he’s told me before he’s afraid of love, being five years down the line and not being in love anymore.
    What is killing me about this whole situation is that we have worked through so much worse than whatever is currently on (currently he’s distant and has trouble communicating in the ways I need him to). When we first started talking I didn’t know if I wanted to be with him or my ex. I ended up lying pretty bad over it, and one time my current boyfriend showed up at my house in between travel to see my ex leaving my house… which I had lied to him about. Now we’re coming up on almost a year of that happening, and I’m wondering if maybe that’s a reason why he’s been so strange with me? I’ve been having the hardest time trying to get him to sit down and talk with me. And when we have talked I’ve asked why he keeps pushing me away, and if he doesn’t want this why he doesn’t end it. I never seem to get a straight answer and generally end up with I don’t know’s from him when I ask him what he wants. He seems to think relationships shouldn’t need work and he refuses to acknowledge whenever he’s in the wrong. There’s a lot more to this story than I could really lay out in this comment, but I don’t know where else to go. I know that I still love him and want to work through this, but the past two weeks have been extremely stressful and hard, and I’m honestly at a loss on what I should do next.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 15, 2017 at 4:56 pm

      Hi Kate,

      Have you talked to him about that?

  16. Lynn

    September 3, 2017 at 9:37 am

    This post is perfect for my situation. I have the friendship and the physical attraction, but I can’t break his emotional barriers to get that part. And without this, I won’t get him back. What can I do to get the emotional part back without forcing him? How can I make him see me like before? I am afraid we can end up in the friends with benefits zone…

    1. Lynn

      September 4, 2017 at 8:52 pm

      Of course not but I have these two pieces and the emotional part is missing…and I don’t know how to “awake” that. I don’t want to be needy and clingy, I managed that months ago, luckily, but I need to reconnect at that level too and I don’t want to force him…but there must be some way…

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2017 at 8:02 pm

      you said it yourself, don’t force it. The more you’re desperate for something, that you’re going to want someone to act according to what you want or for them to show what you want, and then later on forcing them for it. Be open for the possibility that he’s not the one because if you know your worth, you know he should be worried if he will lose and acts to prevent that and values you. Right now, if you’re the only one like that, that means you need to walk away. We put emotional connection to the things that we value.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 4, 2017 at 7:53 pm

      You’re not going to end up in that zone, if you don’t allow it.

  17. Penny

    September 2, 2017 at 5:28 pm

    Its been 6 months into the process of trying to win my ex back but I feel now I am currently finding the balance on the scale of just friends and friends with benefits. Ive been going on some dates and acting cool when he tries to ruffle me a bit but on my most recent date my ex offered to drive me there and back, which I found odd. He was then being persistent wanting to know whether I had been stood up or not and then asking was the guy I went on a date with bad and so forth. He also did the same a few weeks back where he did a bit of research into one of the guys I went on another date with and basically said I’ll be okay considering he got told the guy I was seeing was a bad person. Does this mean anything?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 3, 2017 at 8:40 pm

      Hi Penny,

      it’s normal to feel jealous but that doesn’t mean he’s going to commit to you, specially that you’re friends with benefits.

  18. Anon

    August 31, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    We’ve been talking fine. He usually initiates. Which I thought was good…I thought everything was going well…we’ve met up a couple times. He even paid for my lunch when we got lunch together the day before yesterday.

    But yesterday was his birthday. I didn’t forgoet, I just thought I probably shouldn’t mention it first. We were texting and he said “it’s my birthday today ” so I said “Happy birthday! You should do something fun!” And he said “probably won’t do anything, I’m just working ” and I said “You should celebrate somehow!” And he freaking said “I got asked out tonight by an old girlfriend I might go” so I just didn’t respond. And this morning he texted me good morning. But I waited until the afternoon to respond. We messaged back and forth a bit and I asked how his birthday was. He said “Good I got to hang with an old friend” and I just said “good I’m glad you had fun” and he said “lol thanks” and I stopped replying

    Why would he come back after such a long time and try to convince me to be with him and spend his birthday with another girl? At first I thought he was just making it up to guage my reaction…but now it’s really bothering me…

    My comment wouldn’t post on the other page sorry!

    1. Anon

      September 4, 2017 at 1:02 am

      I hope I handled it okay. I was kind of annoyed he tried to do that and it really hurt mu feelings.

      I haven’t tried to initiate any conversations since Wednesday (that day I asked about his birthday) But Friday he just sent “Hi” and I said “Hey what’s up” a couple hours later and he never replied. Then Saturday he sent “What’s up” and I said “Hey” an hour later and he didn’t reply to that either. Is he trying to test if I’m mad? Or if I’ll reply to him? What on earth is he doing? Should I try to initiate another conversatjin? I was worried if I did it would make it look like I was chasing him

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2017 at 7:05 pm

      Don’t overthink.. Yes, you should initiate a conversation again, because if you really want to convey to him that you’re unaffected with jealousy, you would just keep building rapport.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      That’s probably just to make you jealous, and see if it would work.. But you handled it well..You replied the right way

  19. Ana Peres

    August 29, 2017 at 1:37 am

    Hey! So my ex and I are in talking terms for a while now (about a month) after NC. He is friendly now in his responses via text message, and he also agreed to meet up with me for the first time in 2 months for coffee in a couple of days. What drives me crazy and super anxious is the time he takes to respond. Sometimes is over a day. Should I tell vim that upset me? Is this a prove of desinterest of his part? I don’t wanna get us in arguments again. Don’t know what to do..

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 8:40 am

      Hi Ana,

      Nope.. You’re trying to build rapport so arguments are risky..have you transitioned to calls?

  20. Maren

    August 29, 2017 at 12:13 am

    Hi! I need to ask you about my ex. We have started talking again after about a year on and off, and this time I feel he is serious about it. We went out on a lunch and it was really nice. I offered to pay for the bill, but he suggested instead that I payed next time we have lunch together… He texted me 3 min after we said goodbye just to tell me he had a really nice time. The problem is that I have seen a tagged picture of him with a girl, and people had commented “Oh, what a lovely couple”… yeah, I know! So I asked him at the lunch if he was seeing anyone and he got so uncomfortable. He said that he was dating someone, but he really emphasized that it wasn’t anything serious. Later that week he suggested that I could come over to his place, but I had other plans. He then said “next time!”.

    So I am wondering if he is playing me, if he only wants to hook up with me? But then again, why does he wants to meet me for lunch? And I dont think he would ever do that to me because we cared deeply for each other.I am just confused that he is seeing someone else (even though he says its nothing serious), because if he really wanted me he would have dumped her.

    What do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2017 at 8:38 am

      Hi Maren,

      Yup, he looks like he’s playing you.

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