Today we’re going to talk about five signs that show that your ex is pretending to be over you.
And just so you know, these signs aren’t just conjecture, but are taken from the real-life experiences of our clients, people in our private Facebook support group and experiences from my own life, things I’ve actually done after breakups.
But if you’re new to this process – if you’re just going through a breakup and trying to figure out what to do next – my biggest recommendation is to follow this link and take the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.
The quiz is designed to give you an approximate idea of your overall chances of getting your ex back, and also tell you the best steps for you to take next.
It should only take about two minutes to complete, and is really easy. It’s also totally free!
So let’s get back to those signs that your ex might not be as over you as he (or she!) says…
Sign #1: They Refuse To Pick Up Their Stuff
Now, this may not sound like news to you, but we have learned that one of the most important interactions you can have with your ex is when you come to do that essential exchange of items that you have built up through your time together.
What’s interesting is that when they refuse to pick their things up, or if they do pick them up but leave a few items behind ‘by accident’, they may be having trouble getting over the breakup.
We’ve found that exes who tend to leave something behind know that it will create an instant future date to see you. They’re still trying to keep their options open and they’re unsure about how they feel.
They know that if they take all of their things, they have no legitimate reason to see you again in person.
So sometimes we find that exes who specifically leave their things or who take them but ‘forget’ something are doing so on purpose because they’re having trouble with how they’re feeling about the breakup and they’re still weighing their options.
They might be missing you and wondering if you should be getting back together, or they might be trying to move on but unconsciously sabotaging themselves.
You should always make it easy and non-confrontational if you meet your ex to exchange possessions. Let them have their things without argument.
If they leave something behind, take it as a good sign.
What if you are the one who needs to get your stuff back?
First up, only do so if the thing/s are actually important.
You can buy a new toothbrush or razor. But if it’s something worth money or essential to your life, ask nicely and make the handover quick and easy. Look great and be positive, even if you’re hurting inside.
Again, make it as easy on them as possible. You don’t want to stir up more negative feelings about the breakup. Be gracious and accommodating.
If they refuse to meet you, ask for the item to be dropped off somewhere you can get it – you can’t force them to meet up.
And don’t leave anything behind! Your ex might take this as you being clingy and creating an excuse to see them again. This works both ways…
Sign #2: They Are Insanely Hot And Cold
I would argue that this is the most common sign that an ex is pretending to be over you – being hot one minute and cold the next.
So what does this look like?
One of the most common things we see is an ex who blocks you…then a few weeks later unblocks you…and then blocks you again…
I’ve talked a lot about that concept in this video,
They go through this pendulum swing of emotions which shows that they’re still unsure about how they are feeling.
Blocking you can mean totally blocking you from all social media and phone contact, or it could just mean blocking you on the platform you most commonly communicated e.g. WhatsApp.
It’s pretty common to be blocked on most platforms, but left with the option of email, for example, or still being friends on a less-used (for you) channel e.g. LinkedIn.
They may leave a line or two of communication open, which leaves them with that option again, if they decide they do want to contact you. This is a good sign.
Another really great example that we have seen a lot with clients is an ex who will tell you, “Hey, we’re going to get back together again,” and then do things that make you think that you really won’t, such as not contacting you about a date you were supposed to go on.
Or they say things like “Let’s be friends,” and then they start talking to you about going on romantic trips together in the future. And then…you don’t hear from them, or when you do they’re not really engaging in the conversation, and the trip or date is never mentioned.
And then a few weeks later they flip back again.
This is that constant pendulum swing from hot to cold that we find is so common with exes who are not sure how they are feeling.
This can be super-frustrating and exhausting for you if you’re trying to get your ex back. You have to be the one to show more emotional control in this situation.
Try not to overanalyze every interaction – what does this mean? What is going on? It’s likely your ex doesn’t know themselves, so don’t drive yourself mad second-guessing their every move.
Instead, you should be focussing on yourself and getting your life back in order. Be kind to yourself, do things you enjoy, and work on your Trinity (Health, Wealth and Relationships). The Trinity is part of the Ex Boyfriend Program, which you can find out more about here.
While he’s being hot and cold with you, make sure you are consistently friendly and upbeat, and that all your social media etc. shows you are getting on with living your best life.
And if you’re employing a No Contact Rule to get through this difficult period just after a breakup, when he’s likely to play hot and cold and not be sure what he wants, make sure you stick to it.
If he’s blowing up your phone one moment and ignoring you the next, this shows that No Contact is working.
(Don’t know what I mean by a No Contact Rule? You can find out more about this essential strategy here.)
Sign #3: They Remove All Your Couples Photos… Except One
Now this one may initially sound odd. What’s the big deal, it’s just a couple of photos that you took during your time together, why would he bother deleting them?
But what we’ve found is that exes who are doing that, and maybe leaving a few behind on purpose, may have a reason for doing so.
What does this look like?
Well, typically speaking, while you were together you and your ex will have taken couples photos of you two together – sometimes hundreds, sometimes just a handful; everyone is different.
What we find is that what happens after a breakup is that it’s pretty standard procedure for your ex to delete all of those photos you took together off their social media accounts.
This is an emotional reaction. Whether he’s angry, sad or even just unsure, seeing photos of your happy times together will compound the emotions from the breakup. It’s easier to avoid seeing any of these by deleting them.
He may also be doing it to hurt you, lashing out at the person who, in his mind, has caused all this pain.
Again, it’s not necessarily a logical reaction – it’s an emotional one.
But sometimes we’ll find exes will leave just one, or just a few.
Why are they doing this?
Well, for starters it’s to elicit a reaction from you. They’re still unsure about how they’re supposed to be feeling (as you can see, this is a common theme throughout this article) and they’re also unsure about how you’re feeling about the breakup.
By leaving a few photos and deleting the rest, they can see if they’ll get a reaction out of you.
And if you react, they know that you’re still hung up on them as much as they are on you.
Often, this is enough to comfort them that you are also hurt by the breakup.
So what should you do in this situation?
Again, you have to show more emotional control. Contacting him to tell him how upset you are that he would trash your memories will not work in your favor.
Hold your head up high and concentrate on your recovery and your life.
Breakups are hurtful, and when someone deletes all those memories of a precious relationship, and you still love them, this is one of the things that’s going to hurt the most. But if you remember that he is most likely trying to get a reaction out of you, you can more easily control your emotions and let him play his games.
It’s an odd but recurrent theme we’ve found over the years, but one that we can’t discount, and definitely one of the things that shows they may only be pretending to be over you.
Sign #4: They Don’t Break Their Old Routines
Relationships are often defined by their routines or patterns. For example, if you and your ex were together for a long time, you probably had a consistent messaging schedule. That might have been just a few times a day or maybe it was all throughout the day. Every relationship is unique and has different routines that have been established.
What we’ve found is that exes who are pretending to be over you when they’re really not and are still having that internal war about whether they should move on or not, will have a lot of trouble breaking from these routines.
They’ve drawn a line in the sand and said hey, I don’t want to be with you any more. But if they still act and get into the same routine they were in right before they drew that proverbial line in the sand, it’s a good sign that they’re having trouble letting go.
What else might show this? If you guys always went to a certain place on the last Monday of the month, and he still does that, it’s a sign that that time was precious, and he hasn’t forgotten the good feelings.
If they still show up at places you used to meet in regularly, such as a certain coffee shop, he knows you might be there and yet he’s still reluctant to break that routine. You are not out of his system just yet.
Sign #5: You Hear From Their Friends Randomly
When I was 19 years old I went through my first breakup. She was a nice girl, we dated for about nine months. When we broke up, I didn’t really know how to handle it. I didn’t know if I wanted her back or if I wanted to move on. And of course I was extremely immature – and immature behavior can be a really common thing with breakups.
So, what did I do?
Rather than actually communicate with her myself, I had my best friend communicate with her for me. Not actually saying the words, it was more like spying. I’d say, “Hey, can you call her, talk to her and see where she’s at?”
Now what’s interesting is she did the exact same thing to me – she had her best friend contact me. So it was kind of like this Cold War between us where neither of us were physically connecting, we were just getting information through our friends.
You’ll find this is another common theme with exes who are pretending to be over you.
So when I say pretending to be over you, what do I really mean?
It just simply means they haven’t decided whether they are really ready to move on yet, or not.
I clearly wasn’t ready, so I had my best friend spy on my ex for me. So if you’re in a position where you find that your ex’s friends are randomly talking to you, they may be doing the same thing that I did when I was 19.
This also goes for family members. If they are contacting you and asking how you are, it may be that your ex is hurting and they can see it, or your ex has even asked them to make sure you’re okay, or whatever.
Take care about pouring your heart out to any of these people – you have to be the one emotionally in control. Be strong and take it one step at a time!
Now, those are five great signs that your ex is only pretending to be over you, but I’m not foolish enough to think that I’ve covered all of them. If you think I’ve missed one, or you’re sitting there thinking about what an ex did to you and you think it should be included, simply use the comments below this post and tell me about it. I love hearing from you guys, and I try to respond to every comment.
Finally, remember that the best thing you can do if you’re not sure where you are and what to do next, take the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Quiz. It’s free and easy, and will help you to put my advice into action to get your ex back.
Thanks so much for reading.