Do you know what flirting is?
Of course you do…
I mean, it’s the whole reason you are here, right?
Well, what if I were to tell you that you actually don’t know what it means.
Do you think you’d roll your eyes at me?
I am just going to go out on a limb here and say that you would.
Let’s get this eye roll out of the way.
ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME.
Did you get it out of your system?
Ok, now I can go on to explain what flirting actually is.
Of course, before I do that I want to ask you a question. What do you think flirting is?
My guess is that you’d probably say something along the lines of,
Acting in a way that shows that you like, or have taken an interest in a member of the opposite sex.
For example, if person A flirted with person B then that would mean person A acted or said things in a way that made person B think that person A liked them. Get it?
Ok, here is where I am going to shock you.
That is not what the actual definition of flirting says.
When you open up the dictionary and turn to the official definition of flirting here is what it says,
FLIRTING- To behave as though you are attracted to/ trying to attract someone but for your own amusement. In other words, you behave as though you like them but you aren’t serious about it.
Notice how I bolded a specific portion of that definition.
The part I put in bold in the definition above is important because I think our society as a certain misconception of what flirting actually is.
You see, most of us believe that when we are being flirted with it’s a good thing that indicates that the person likes us. However, according do the official definition above it’s not. In fact, according to the definition above being flirted with is a bad thing because it means that we are being played.
You Don’t Want Your Ex Boyfriend To Flirt With You… Wait, WHAT?
I am assuming that you are here for a reason.
You are here because you probably want your ex boyfriend back and you are trying to determine if he is flirting with you.
Well, I am going to help you determine that but before I can do that I need to explain something to you.
According to the definition above having an ex boyfriend flirt with you isn’t a good thing. In fact, if he is flirting with you in the strictest sense then that means that he is doing it for fun or for his own amusement and I don’t know about you but if that was happening to me I wouldn’t be too happy.
But lets back up for a second.
You came here because you probably want your ex boyfriend to be flirting with you.
Of course, before you read this page you were under the assumption that having him flirt with you was good.
Well… it’s not.
Instead what you really are trying to determine is if he is using flirttraction on you.
What Is Flirttraction?
Flirttraction is my own creation.
Basically it is a combination of the good elements of flirting (remember not all of the elements around flirting were bad) and attraction.
What do you get when you combine flirting and attraction?
Ok, I know I have a goofy way of looking at things but that goofy way has probably helped more people get back with their exes than anyone online so just roll with it.
Here is the official definition of flirttraction,
Flirttraction– To behave in a way that shows you are attracted/trying to attract someone.
Notice anything different with this definition?
Perhaps the fact that instead of this time flirting isn’t for ones own amusement. Instead, if your ex boyfriend flirts with you it’s because he actually likes you and is attracted to you.
This is flirttraction in a nutshell.
In fact, when you came to this page this is probably what you were searching for. You were probably trying to determine if your ex boyfriend was “flirting” with you in this manner.
Of course, now that I have educated you a bit you know that what you are really looking for is a way to determine if he is flirttracting you.
In other words,
Flirting = BAD
Flirttraction = GOOD
And that’s what I am going to teach you today.
I am going to teach you the best method in which you can determine what your ex boyfriend is thinking when you think that he is flirting with you (or flirttracting with you.)
Does that sound like something you would be interested in?
Ok, lets hop to it.
Signs Of Flirting Vs. Signs Of Flirttraction
One of the most popular questions I get here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery is,
“My ex boyfriend did blah, blah and blah. What do you think it means? Is he flirting with me?”
Now, since I have already established that flirting is actually not a good thing what these women are really wanting to know is whether or not their ex boyfriend is using flirttraction on them.
In this section I intend to show you what flirting looks like and what flirttraction looks like.
After all, it’s easier to to wade through the BS once you know what to look for.
Words = Flirting & Actions = Flirttraction
Lets pretend that you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and during this campaign to win his heart back he says a few things that make you excited.
What are the things?
Well, during one texting conversation he sends you this text,
Pretty awesome, right?
Well, as your conversations get deeper and deeper over text message he starts sending you witty little texts like,
Now, any girl that receives a text like that from a guy she likes is going to run around her house jumping and screaming like a little kid with happiness.
In most cases getting a text message like that is very good.
In fact, I would say that if you were to receive a text message like that from your ex it is a good thing.
HOWEVER, receiving a text message like this is only one step to understanding if what your ex boyfriend means what he says.
I mean, getting a flirty text message from your ex are only words.
There are no actions to back it up.
What did your ex boyfriend say to you in the text above?
He said that he would love nothing more than to hold you and caress you, right?
Well, has he?
Then we might have a problem.
I want you to go ahead and look at the title of this section.
What does it say?
- Words = Flirting
- Actions = Flirttraction
Talk is cheap.
Action is everything.
And therein lies the difference between flirting and flirttraction.
An ex boyfriend who flirts with you will have a lot of nice things to say.
He will tell you that he misses you…
That he wants to hold you…
Heck, he even might say that he loves you…
However, when it comes time to actually back up the talk with action he is nowhere to be found.
Flirttraction on the other hand is a little bit different.
An ex boyfriend who is using flirttraction will say those very same nice things.
Telling you that he cares about you…
That he wants to hold you…
That he misses you…
Oh, and even telling you that he loves you…
Of course, when it comes time to prove that what he is saying is true he actually does it.
He acts like someone who cares about you…
He actually holds you…
He reacts in a way that a man normally would when they miss you.
He looks you in the eye (in person) and actually SAYS the words, “I love you.”
That is the main difference between flirtation and flirttraction.
Flirtation is all talk.
Flirttraction is all action.
Why An Ex Boyfriend Will Flirt With You
It’s weird, right?
The fact that now you have to look at flirting like a bad thing.
It’s a total paradigm shift and I completely understand if you are having trouble wrapping your mind around it. Well, you want to know what is even harder to wrap your mind around?
The reason for why an ex boyfriend could flirt with you.
I mean, why would someone who claimed to love you play around with your emotions like this?
(Side Note: Don’t forget that flirting means that your ex is “flirting” with you on purpose for his own amusement. In other words, he doesn’t mean anything nice that he says to you )
As it turns out there are a lot of reasons for why an ex boyfriend could “flirt” with you and since I am a guy who has flirted for my own amusement before I think I can teach you something about the way the mind of a man works.
So, I am going to give you two examples from a friend I know in my personal life.
- An example where he used flirtation (BAD)
- An example where he used flirttraction (GOOD)
Lets start with the flirtation.
My Friend Using Flirtation
My friend, lets call him Caleb, didn’t exactly have the best luck with girls.
While he wasn’t bad looking he wasn’t confident with himself.
As a result, he didn’t have a great idea of how to talk to women and when a woman would show him some attention he ate it up like no tomorrow.
Of course, when you look at his history of dating he was definitely wronged. Women had used some flirtation on him and when he would send the predetermined text message explaining his undying love for them they pretty much told him to take a hike.
These failures shaped Caleb and instead of trusting women and opening up to them he would use them to make himself feel better.
How would he do that?
Lets say a girl would come along… lets call her Ashley.
Ok, so Ashley has come along and really likes Caleb but Caleb doesn’t like her. Instead, he likes feeling wanted by her.
He loves the feeling of being chased.
After all, he doesn’t get chased very often.
But Ashley is not a stupid girl. She can sense when a man is not into her. Caleb knows this so he decides that the best way to keep her on the hook is to flirt with her. To give her false hope. Besides, when you flirt with a girl who likes you she is a sure bet to flirt right back and say something nice to you which is what Caleb wants.
Here’s the thing, though.
He doesn’t really want her. He just wants to feel wanted by her.
That’s what flirting is all about.
Lets move on to the next example now with flirttraction.
My Friend Using Flirttraction
Alright so we have already covered what it looks like when Caleb uses flirting on a woman.
Now lets flip the script and take a look at what is going through his mind when he uses flirttraction on a woman.
Ok, so one day Caleb decides to go out with a group of friends and meets a girl.
Now, this girl makes an impression on Caleb.
So much so, in fact, that he begins to develop deep feelings for her. Oh, and when I say deep feelings I mean DEEP feelings. The kind of feelings that leads to marriage.
Here’s the jig though.
The girl likes Caleb too.
She has been developing those DEEP feelings and the two of them have been using flirttraction on each other. In other words, when Caleb sends a text message like this to the girl,
He actually means everything he says in the text message.
For example, above I mentioned the idea that flirting was all about words and flirttraction was all about actions (I mean, the word action is actually in flirttraction.) So, when Caleb says he misses his girl his actions are in line with a man who misses a woman. Oh, and when he says he wants to kiss his woman passionately he actually does it when he sees her.
This is flirttraction in a nutshell.
Basically everything that a man says he will actually do or his actions will fall in line with.
You know what this means, right?
IT MEANS THAT A MAN WHO IS USING FLIRTTRACTION IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.
Think about it for a moment.
This entire section is about teaching you why men flirt and why men use flirttraction.
Above I mentioned that the main reason men flirt is to feel superior.
They want to feel strong and they gain this strength by making women chase them.
Flirttraction, on the other hand, is totally different.
A man uses flirttraction when he is falling for someone (or if he HAS fallen for someone.)
Needless to say, when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back flirttraction is a big deal. In fact, creating flirttraction in your ex boyfriend is a huge part of my system, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
Now, I know the question you are wondering right about now.
You are probably sitting there thinking,
“Ok Chris, I understand the difference between flirting and flirttraction but HOW do I get my ex boyfriend to use flirttraction on me as opposed to regular flirting?”
I am so glad you asked!
How To Make An Ex Boyfriend Use Flirttraction On You
Definitely don’t take the Austin Powers approach.
We have already established that if you want a good chance of winning your ex boyfriend back you probably need to get him to use flirttraction on you.
What is the process of making an ex boyfriend do that?
Well, that’s what I am here to teach you today.
The first thing you have to understand is that you are going to have a little harder of a time making your ex boyfriend use flirttraction on you than the average woman just trying to make a man she has never dated before use flirttraction.
Because you have dated your ex before and he already knows what it feels like to be with you.
Furthermore, your relationship with him failed.
So, when you take all of this into account you have a few extra obstacles to overcome. Nevertheless, I think I have a unique approach to overcoming these obstacles and achieving flirttraction within your ex boyfriend.
I like to call it “quality theory.”
What Is Quality Theory?
I have a question for you.
When you look at men as a whole which qualities do you think they will point at in women that will make them fall in love?
Take a moment to think about it….
OK, moment taken.
I am guessing that you came up with something generic like,
Having a sense of humor…
Oh, or my personal favorite, having the ability to make a man open to falling in love…
I actually did a little research of my own and this is what I found.
Basically every dating website has the same regurgitated garbage.
They cited things like,
A woman’s ability to flirt back…
Being good humored…
A woman who says something about a man staring… (seriously)
I am going to make a pretty bold claim right now that may make me a few enemies in the dating space.
EVERYONE IS LYING TO YOU!
The qualities that they are claiming are what make men fall in love are total BS and I can’t stand it anymore.
I am a guy who has,
- Dated someone I fell in love with
- Married that same person I fell in love with
- Started a family with this person that I fell in love with
And I can tell you that the BS that these websites are spouting as “qualities” aren’t going to do anything for you when it comes to creating flirttraction with your ex boyfriend.
I am going to give you the low down and I am going to do this by teaching you about something I like to call “quality theory.”
Quality Theory– In order to obtain flirttraction from your ex boyfriend you must identify the 7 qualities that make a man fall in love and become them.
But what are these seven qualities?
Now, before I go into each of these qualities one by one I would like to take a moment and explain why “quality theory” is so effective at creating flirttraction with your ex boyfriend.
Generally speaking, a man who uses flirttraction on a woman is in the process of falling in love or has already fallen in love.
Right now I am not 100% sure we can say that about you and your ex boyfriend.
Instead of feeling the thrill of love he is feeling the negatives of heartbreak.
The best way to get your ex boyfriend back into the mindset of feeling love is to identify the qualities that he will fall in love with and become those qualities again. Oh, and in my experience a man doesn’t have to have all of these qualities to fall in love.
In fact, most women only do 4 or 5 of things really well.
So, imagine if you were to do all 7 really well?
Do you see how effective it can be?
Lets talk about the qualities now.
Quality One: Looks
I know I have said this a lot throughout Ex Boyfriend Recovery but looks do matter to men.
Look, if you want the lowdown on men and falling in love the fact of the matter is that it’s easier for a man to fall in love with a woman who is good looking as compared to one who is not.
But that’s not the most shocking thing I am going to say in this section.
I have a bit of good news for the women out there who are maybe feeling a little uncomfortable about the way they look.
While looks are important they aren’t everything.
Oh, and your relationship usually isn’t totally reliant on looks.
I have this phrase that I always say and there is a lot of truth to it.
Looks get you in the door but your personality keeps you in the room.
That means that when it comes to how you look your chances of reconnection aren’t going to be totally reliant on that.
In fact, biologists have done studies specifically on looks.
You’ll never believed what they found.
Biologists state that the people who have a collection of mathematically average features, have a more diverse set of genes and that end ups being a preferred selection criteria when your subconscious brain scans the environment for attractive looking people.
In other words, sometimes it pays to be average or plain looking.
Besides, you have an advantage over the average woman out there just trying to attract a boyfriend for the first time.
You have already dated this guy and the fact of the matter is that he probably found you attractive when you dated him so you probably don’t have to worry about it too much.
Nevertheless, when it comes to looks what I said definitely rings true.
A man is going to fall in love with a beautiful woman more easily than an ugly one.
You know what that means, right?
It means if you want to maximize your chances of flirttraction then you are going to have to make yourself as beautiful as possible.
Quality Two: Challenge
Are you aware of the idea of “courting?”
Any time I think of courting the first thing I think about is some disney prince singing to some disney princess high in a tower with a rose in his hand.
Actually, kind of like this picture (without the princess in the tower.)
The truth is that every society has a courting ritual but there always seems to be one constant.
The MAN has to court the woman.
Now, as a man I can tell you that this is very engrained in our nature. After all, it was men who were typically the “hunters” in the hunter and gatherer societies. Men are used to hunting and there is nothing more appealing to us than a beautiful woman (quality one) who is a challenge (quality two.)
Why is that, though?
Why is it that men are so turned on by a challenge?
While I am sure there is some psychological insight out there on why I would much rather prefer to give you my opinion.
Imagine that you are a Lion (or lioness in your case.)
As a lioness you know that in order to survive you are going to have to hunt food.
Lets say a zebra.
One day you are roaming around and you spot your prey, a zebra.
So, what do you decide to do?
You decide to try and hunt the zebra.
After a long one hour chase the zebra gets away….
You are angry and go to sleep for the night being pretty upset that you didn’t get that zebra.
The next day comes and you wake up hungry and you spot that very same zebra.
You chase in pursuit again and again after an hour long chase you give up from exhaustion.
Man, what a challenge…
Ok, another day goes by and you spot your zebra again. However, this time after an hour long chase you finally get it.
It’s the best tasting meal you have head all year long.
Because of the effort you put in to get it.
Men work in the same way. The more effort we invest into a woman the better it feels when we get her and the easier it is for us to fall in love.
Take my wife for example.
MAN WHAT A CHALLENGE!
I lived in Texas she lived in Pennsylvania…
She had men constantly chasing her (which made me feel like she was more of a challenge because she was used to being fawned after.)
What I am trying to get at here is that men love challenges and your ex boyfriend is no different.
Now here is the 5 million dollar question.
Are you a challenge?
You desperately want him back, right?
You probably acted a little desperate towards him, right?
So, what about you screams challenge to him right now?
Probably nothing and that is something you are going to have to work on.
Quality Three: Obsession
I was a little split on whether or not to include this one.
Because when I talk about obsession I am not talking about you obsessing over a guy. I am talking about the guy obsessing over you. Now, that’s not really a quality “per-se” but we are going to go ahead and include it because when you look at what happens to the human brain when it’s falling in love there is a certain amount of obsession that goes along with it.
How can I put this in an easy to understand way?
I know I have cited this example a lot but I find it extremely relevant so I am going to cite it again.
They have done studies on the human brain during a breakup and you’ll never believe what they found.
Apparently the part of the human brain that lights up when a man or woman goes through a breakup is the same part of the brain that lights up on someone who is addicted to cocaine when they are looking for a fix.
This is essentially the scientific explanation for why so many people want their exes back after a breakup.
Scientifically you are no different than a drug addict looking to get another fix.
Isn’t that a little scary?
So here is my theory.
Obviously a drug addict puts drugs into their body and the chemicals from those drugs are what creates this obsessiveness, this hunger to “get another fix.”
Well, my theory is that when someone falls in love the actual act of falling in love serves as the “drug.”
We already know that when a man or woman falls in love the brain releases it’s own set of “feel good chemicals.”
These are all fancy names for chemicals that the brain releases that makes us feel like we are in love.
We also know that once someone falls in love the chances of them becoming a little obsessive are that much higher.
Take me for example, when I met my wife I am not afraid to say that I was OBSESSED with her.
(Probably on an unhealthy level.)
Now, you can read all about our story here but the short version is that I moved from Texas to Pennsylvania for her so our relationship could survive.
Do you think I would have done that if I wasn’t obsessed with her?
Do you think I would have moved from a place that I loved very much (Texas) to a scary place (Pennsylvania) for someone that I wasn’t obsessed with?
There almost always is an element of obsession when someone falls in love and that means that if you want your ex boyfriend to “fall in love” with you again and use flirttraction on you, you are going to have to find a way to make him obsessed with you again.
The way he was at the start of your relationship during the honeymoon period?
Now, I can hear the doubters out there right now saying,
“That’s impossible. There is no way that I can make him obsessed with me again.”
Try not to look at “making him obsessed with you again” as this super hard task. If you do that then you won’t get anywhere. Instead, lets simplify this as much as we can.
I gave you some pretty epic information about what happens to the brain when it falls in love.
You remember, right?
You forgot already didn’t you?
I said that the brain releases all of these wonderful chemicals when it is falling in love.
Heck, I even listed the chemicals above.
If that is the case then making your ex boyfriend fall in love with you and ultimately become obsessed with you again is a matter of leveraging these chemicals. Theoretically if you can make your ex boyfriend associate YOU with all of the five chemicals below,
Then he will become obsessed with you and you will start to see some flirttraction responses.
Now, is it as easy as that?
But when you boil it down to the simplest form this is what you are going to get.
Quality Four: Intimacy
We are talking about your ex boyfriend and intimacy here.
You know what that means, right?
You see, when women think of intimacy they think of candlelit rooms, passionate kisses and making love.
When men think of intimacy they think of sex.
For the time being I want you, as a woman, to go against your normal thinking of intimacy and look at this in the way that a man would.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear but sex does play a role when it comes to quality theory and falling in love. You see, sex is probably the number one act that can bring a man and a woman closer together.
Oh, and as much as men want you to believe that they can have unemotional sex… they can’t. It’s too powerful of a thing not to attach any type of emotions to it.
Now, does this mean that I want you to call your ex boyfriend up right away and have sex with him?
I have made it clear a million times on Ex Boyfriend Recovery that you should not sleep with your ex until your relationship is official again.
However, that doesn’t mean that we can’t use your exes hunger for sex to our advantage.
So, I am going to give you a little golden nugget of information that you can use to leverage your exes interest of sex.
I actually talk about this in my seduction article so if you want the full scoop I advise that you click on that link and learn more about it there.
How To Use Sex To Your Advantage
One of the biggest issues that women have when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back is keeping him engaged.
Well, this little tactic that I am about to teach you will not only keep your ex engaged but it will actively cause him to use flirttraction on you.
So, what is this tactic?
Well, when I talk about this I want you to picture sex as a physical object that you are dangling in front of your ex.
Does that make any sense?
Ok, I will create a graphic for you to describe it.
Do you see how the object being dangled in front of the cat has “sex” next to it?
Well, what happens when you dangle an object in front of a cat like this?
It chases after the object, right?
Well, the same simple principle applies here except instead of danging an object in front of your ex you are going to be dangling sex.
What do I mean by “dangling sex?”
I mean that you are going to give your ex boyfriend subtle hints that you are into him sexual. Now, you have to be careful about not going too overboard with this because if you go overboard that is all your boyfriend will end up thinking about.
However, the idea behind this is that you are going to get your ex all worked about regarding sex and then when he starts making a move I want you to pull away.
This is the equivalent of pulling the toy away from the cat in the picture above.
Once you have pulled away I want you to wait a while and then dangle sex in front of him again.
The more you repeat this process the higher your chances are that your ex boyfriend will ultimately use flirttraction on you.
Quality Five: Trust
The idea behind quality theory is to list out all the qualities in women that men fall in love with.
Well, this is one of those qualities that isn’t technically found in women.
How can I put this?
What is your deepest darkest secret? I am talking about the one that you don’t want anyone to know. I am talking about the one that your best friend in the world wouldn’t even respond well to. Do you have a secret like that?
If you don’t then lets pretend you do.
Lets have some fun here and say that your deep dark secret is that you killed a man…
Ok, so you are wanted for murder and you are just in the beginning stages of falling in love with a man.
Now, you know that eventually this man is going to realize that you are a wanted woman and once he finds out that information he probably isn’t going to love you anymore. It’s at this point that you are faced with a choice:
Trust that he will respond well to the news that you are wanted for murder…
Risk not telling him and have him find out on his own…
What would you do if you were faced with this choice?
Would you have enough trust in the man you were falling in love with to forgive you for murdering another man…
Something tells me you wouldn’t and that’s what I would like to talk about here.
In order for a man to fall in love with you he has to trust you. He has to be willing to tell you his deepest darkest secrets and trust that you will respond well to them. Now, if you were able to gain that kind of trust then he would be in love with you on a deep level.
Quality Six: Openness
This is going to sound really weird but men like a woman who is willing to open herself up to him.
What do I mean by that?
Simple, a woman who is willing to be herself is wildly attractive to us.
Lets pretend that there are two women competing for the attention of a man.
Woman 1 = Super confident in herself but very closed off. She has problems letting people in.
Woman 2 = Also very confident in herself and has an amazing ability to open herself up.
Which one of these women do you think has a better chance at finding love?
The one who was willing to open herself up!
I don’t know what it is but there is something wildly attractive about a woman who is willing to open up to a man.
Now, this is going to sound really weird but have you ever seen that movie 500 Days of Summer?
If you haven’t then I suggest you drop everything you are doing right now and go see it now because it is probably one of the best indie movies I have ever seen. Anyways, there is a scene in that movie that perfectly sums up the attractiveness of a woman who is willing to let her walls down for a man.
Let me set it up for you a bit.
You have this guy, Tom.
And then you have this girl, Summer.
Tom and Summer actually end up dating but their relationship starts to fade a little bit and there is a moment where Summer is at a bar and a really rude guy starts hitting on her right in front of Tom.
Tom doesn’t like that so he starts a fight with the guy and gets clobbered in the face.
So, Summer does what any girl who gets protected by a man should do.
She takes him to her apartment to clean him up a bit.
Here’s the thing though… Tom has never been to her apartment before.
It’s new territory for him. Oh, and to make things even better it seems like Summer starts opening up to him in a way that she never has before.
And with that I would like to quote word for word from the movie.
Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren’t routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything.
Summer: I’ve never told anybody that before.
A woman who is willing to put her walls down for a man is a woman worth keeping.
It’s definitely a quality that men can fall in love with.
Quality Seven: Admiration
If there is one universal truth about men it’s this.
All men love admiration.
More specifically, we love admiration from women.
Ok, this may sound really strange but if a man feels admired by a woman it gives him confidence he never knew he had. I mean, there’s a reason that socially you aren’t a man until you lose your virginity to a woman.
In other words, women have the power to turn little boys into men.
Here’s the trick with admiration though.
You see, some women are smart enough to realize that men love admiration and overdo it.
That’s when the movie viewing effect comes into play.
Movie Viewing Effect- Watching a movie for the first time is always better than the second or third time. With the first time the emotions you experience are always better.
Well, women who give too much admiration to men actually run the risk of having this movie viewing thing negatively effect them.
The last thing you want to do is get a man too used to admiration from you.
Yes, you need to give him admiration but you also need to mix it up so he is craving admiration from you.
There is always a difference between craving admiration and having too much of it.