A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of interviewing Laura, a woman who is a member of our flagship course, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program.

Laura ended up successfully getting her ex back.

Anyways, she joined me for about an hour and I essentially picked her brain about what she did that worked and what other people are doing that aren’t working.

Her insights on mixed signals in particular were earth shattering.

But then again, any time we get to talk to a success story they always are.

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How One Woman Got Her On Again/Off Again Ex Boyfriend Back

Chris Seiter:
Okay, so today we’re going to be talking to a very special success story named Laura, who’s successfully gotten her ex back. What we’re going to do is we’re going to be asking her all kinds of questions about how she did it. So how are you, Laura?

Laura:
Sorry. What was that?

Chris Seiter:
How are you doing Laura?

Laura:
Yes, I’m good thanks. How are you?

Chris Seiter:
I’m doing great. So, I know nothing about your situation. Why don’t you just kind of give us a little bit of a primer on how the breakup went down and what you had to do to get him back?

Laura:
Yeah. So, basically, it was last February. I actually broke up with him, which I know a lot of the stories were that people broke up with them. And I was actually split up with him for about three-ish months before I found the program and then I decided to proceed with it and start my no contact. I did the first time- because we hadn’t had any arguments or anything like that like I know some people had previously. It was 21 days that I did, but I think I did like 22 or 23 the first no contact that I did. Then after that, we were doing the texting phase of the program where I’d send him messages and it was just normal texting, really, but using like the… I use the online stuff a lot, so through social media and ask him for help on like how to text in the right way so that I’m still getting responses, but it was always quite positive responses.

Laura:
We live quite close to each other, so when I was going out I’d see him out and then he’d be asking me if I wanted to meet up and stuff like that whilst we were in the texting phase. We did meet up with him because he was saying, “Is there any chance that we can get back together?” That kind of thing. I’d already at that point, because I was focusing on me and like my trinity and stuff like that and making sure that I was making the most out of my situation at that time. I was planning on going away and I was going traveling over the summer. So although we were in the texting phase, it kind of wasn’t really working out because I had too many plans, so I’d like overdone it almost.

Laura:
I came back in this September. So it was kind of June-time we were speaking quite a bit and then I went away and then I came back in this September and we’re speaking a bit more then. And then we met up and he said that he didn’t want to proceed with thing and he thinks he should date other people and I just said, “Well, if you want to date over people, that’s fine.” ANd spoke to some of the people on the group at the time and I decided to do another no contact for 21 days, but it ended up actually being 30 days because through that time I had seen him out like three times. So it’s like, ugh.

Chris Seiter:
So you live close to him, so you just happened to like run into him?

Laura:
Yeah, he lives like around the corner. So yeah. It was like at pubs and stuff like that. Like when you’re out with your mates and then he’d just turn up. And there was one situation where I was out and we were in a pub and he came up behind me. This is only like a week and a half after we’d had that conversation, so I was in no contact. And he came up behind me and I was with my mates and he slapped my bum in front of all of my friends. And, obviously, I told the people on social media and they’re like, “Oh no, just prolong your no contact for some more days.” So that’s why I did it for the 30 days.

Chris Seiter:
Had he been drinking or something?

Laura:
Yeah, I think he was definitely drunk.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Laura:
So, yeah. Like throughout the no contact as well, he was like contacting me, which didn’t happen in the first no contact. He only contacted me in like the first couple of days. But throughout that whole 30 days, he was contacting me. And I think he thought, I don’t know, “She’s definitely gone now.” Because before I was kind of still hanging on, if you get what I mean. Like I don’t think I’d fully like left the situation, but by the time it had come September and I’d done all this stuff to like make him see me how I was, I guess, previously when we first met.

Laura:
Then, yeah, I think it got to day 30, so he’d been sending me messages throughout, but I hadn’t responded. Then it got to day 30, and literally on day 30 he was ringing me. So rang me like three or four times, but I was on the way to meet one of my mates, so obviously I didn’t answer, but it was a Saturday as well and that’s off limits. I wasn’t going to answer anyway. And then on Sunday he rang me another three times, I think it was. And then I answered and we had a conversation and he said, “You originally said, ‘come with me.'” And I said, “I can’t meet you, Tim.” So we had a conversation over the phone instead, why I said that he regretted everything and he wanted to sort things out. And then we just kind of dated it after that.

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Laura:
So it was just dating. We dated until kind of December and then I was like thinking, “Oh, things aren’t going to work out,” at that point because it’d been so long that we’d been dating in my head. I think it was the same. Like, I think he was scared about getting back together, but then after New Year we got back together and yeah. It all worked out in the end and things are great now.

Chris Seiter:
So from what I’m gathering, like originally going back, you’re the one who broke up with him. I’m assuming this happened last year?

Laura:
Yeah. That’s all right. So it took, like in total, about 10 or 11 months for us to get back together after we broke up-

Chris Seiter:
So, it seems-

Laura:
… for three months prior. Sorry, go ahead.

Chris Seiter:
So it seems to me like you initiated the first breakup? Am I remembering that correctly? And then he initiated another breakup. So it was kind of like this… You said, you got back together in September or something and then broke up again.

Laura:
No. So, in the September, we were speaking again, but we hadn’t [crosstalk 00:06:08]-

Chris Seiter:
Okay. I see. So you’re not official. You’re just kind of like talking.

Laura:
Yeah. Yeah, [inaudible 00:06:14] would just talk and like dating and stuff at that time. But then I think he was going through a lot anyway, like personally. So it just wasn’t the right time for us to be getting back together then. So I think given, given that space that we had like made things a lot better, to what it is now.

Chris Seiter:
So who’s the one who asked or got to the point where you’re asking like, “Hey, what are we? Are we back together?” Like how did that conversation go down? Where were you? What did he say? What did you say?

Laura:
We’d had food at his house and I just said like, “Where are we with things?” And he said, “Well, we’re always together, so we might as well just be together.” And then we just, yeah. And then we’re just together.

Chris Seiter:
That was it, huh?

Laura:
Yeah, that was it.

Chris Seiter:
Super easy. It’s almost surprising how simple it works to just like seal the deal, so to speak, in the relationship.

Laura:
Well, it’s like that when you first meet someone. It’s just different because I’ve never been with someone, broke up with them and then got back together with them.

Chris Seiter:
So, man, it took you a long time. I mean, we’re talking about almost a year. At any point, did you just sort of think to yourself, “Is this even worth it? Should I just give up?” Were you ever at that point emotionally?

Laura:
Yeah. It was like kind of in the December. Like I felt like things were good like between us, but when you just like have a sense on this just isn’t going to work out, so let’s just leave nothing. That’s when he realized that he needs to do more for us to kind of get back together. There were other times like throughout where I thought, “Is this really worth like my time and effort?” Like when I was away as well, because I traveled around Asia and I was away and I was still speaking to him I’m like… Some of the time, it was a bit… not negative. What’s the in between? Where just like not really much conversation and felt a bit awkward. So even like you know them because I was with him before I broke up for four years. Like I know him, but it was weird because it felt like we couldn’t speak naturally like at times throughout the process, but then when it was natural, it was really good. And that’s when things are going well, but it was just that in that middle bit, especially.

Chris Seiter:
So the middle bit, I guess, is what I’m more interested in. It seems like you went into no contact the very first time and it worked pretty well. And he got back in contact and the two of you kind of like were talking back and forth, but what, in your opinion, went wrong to make him sort of scared to not want to commit? Or like what did you think didn’t work about that?

Laura:
Well, I think, given the fact that obviously I broke up with him, I think that like hurt him a lot. I could tell like it kind of destroyed him a bit and I felt terrible about it. Like when you see like your best mate going through like heartbreak. It’s a bit weird because you’re going through the same thing and that’s what kind of happened prior to finding the program. And then like after my first no contact, we went through that phase of like talking and not talk. And don’t really know what was going through his head at the time, but I could tell like he was not himself around me. Like it took a lot for it to get to that again. That wasn’t until after the second no contact and a bit more dating before we were back to like talking normally, but we didn’t really go on proper dates. It’s like the fast time after the first no contacts, we didn’t have anything like where we went out for a meal or that kind of thing. Whereas after the second, that’s what we were doing. Like when we’re going out, we’re going out properly. Not just like meeting because it’s easy to just meet up when you live around the corner from someone and just go for a walk or something and that’s what we were doing. [crosstalk 00:10:25].

Chris Seiter:
You wouldn’t even like go for a walk at all after the first no contact whatsoever? Was it just more like you’re texting and calling each other, but not doing anything else past that point?

Laura:
Yeah, there was like a week where we were both free. So we met up in that time and then I think he was on holiday, then I was on holiday. So it was like, there was very much we couldn’t really meet up. Like neither of us had the time to do that at that time. And I think that was why it didn’t work the first time because we both just had too many plans.

Chris Seiter:
Did either of you guys date anyone else in the 10, 11 months it took for you guys to get back together like officially?

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Laura:
I’m pretty sure he was. Well, he has said that he did, so definitely did. I don’t know when. Like I’m not really interested in the detail, but I know they did. And for me I spoke to people, but I didn’t ever go on any dates with anybody else.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So throughout this 10 month period, after the first, no contact coming up onto the second no contact. What caused you to make the decision to jump into a second no contact?

Laura:
I think it was like he was in a bad place where he was losing a family member, unfortunately. And I think it was just like… you know when you sit and have a conversation with someone and they’re like just a bit all over the place and you just know like this isn’t going to work when either one of us is going to be feeling like that. That’s kind of what happens. So, although like I wanted to be there for him, I knew that he didn’t want me to be there for him. Like I phoned and spoke to him and I could just tell like I was like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through that.” And he’s like, “Well, it doesn’t matter.” Like I just know that he didn’t want me there and then he started speaking about dating other people and maybe there was somebody else. And I said, “Well, if that’s what you want to do and that’s what’s going to make you happy, then just go and do that then.” And he kind of said like, “Well, I’ll just end up coming back to you.” And I was like, “Well, you just started going date other people.” It was a bit like, “Well, I can’t change your mind right now, so just go away.”

Chris Seiter:
So, what I’m kind of curious about now is how effective the second period of no contact was. Because it seems like before you had done the second no contact, you had tried a lot of things, but your schedule and his schedule just wouldn’t overlap to the point where you could see each other in person pretty consistently. So you’re just sort of stuck in this limbo where you can only talk or text over the phone. The second no contact, I think you mentioned that he contacted you quite a bit during it. Is that exactly what happened? And what were some of the contents of the messages? Like what were some of the ways he would try to talk to you during that second period of no contact?

Laura:
So we’ve always used the social media Snapchat quite a lot. Now, I never opened them until after because I was like, if I open and then he’ll be able to [crosstalk 00:13:36]-

Chris Seiter:
He’ll know you read it.

Laura:
It’s not really then no contact, is it? So I never opened them until afterwards. And then when I went through them, they’re just like random things that what he’s doing in the day and stuff like that. And I’d put Snapchat stuff as well, like on my actual story, and he’d like comment on them like, “Oh, can I come out for a walk with you? With your dog?” And stuff like that. But obviously I didn’t open them until after the 30 days, when we’d started speaking again. And then he did send one really long message and it was kind of middle of no contact, so like day 15 sort of time, saying like just out of the blue, just like saying that he doesn’t know where he’s at in his head and that type of thing. I can’t remember the whole message to be honest, but it was like an emotional sort of message, but nothing saying, “I want to get back with you.” And it was very much so borderline because all the way through, it was like, “I don’t know what I want,” sort of thing until we did know what he wanted.

Chris Seiter:
So you guys eventually get back together, but going to that point, how many months did it take before you get out of that second no contact to the point where you’re actually back together? Like how long were you talking to him, seeing him in person, or was it what’s it like a pretty quick like race to the finish?

Laura:
It’s about three and a half months. Three, three and a half months until we got back together.

Chris Seiter:
And how often were you guys talking on the phone to each other or texting each other and seeing each other in person? Was it like an everyday occurrence?

Laura:
No. So to start with, it was kind of like once every two to one week sort of thing, but then we were speaking in between by messages and I’d call him. And then it just kind of got closer together and then by Christmas we were seeing each of the like every couple of days sort of thing. And then-

Chris Seiter:
So, you’re saying you’re-

Laura:
.. it was pretty much not just after New Year, really, that we got back together.

Chris Seiter:
So for you, you think seeing each other pretty much every single or every couple of days is really what spurred it on to get that sort of relationship back on track?

Laura:
Yeah, I think so. I think like perhaps not. I don’t know, like it depends on the person that you’re with, I guess. Like we’re not like the sort of people that need to see each other all the time, even though like he lives really close. It’s not like I have to see him every day to feel like I’m in a relationship. But I do think like that closeness does make you feel closer, I guess, to somebody, if that makes any sense.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, it kind of does. It’s sometimes hard to remember years back, like what you did and everything. I guess when you look at your experience as a whole, of going through the process, what do you think was the most effective thing that you did? Like for you personally? Because every time I ask a success story this, they always come up with really different answers that I wouldn’t expect. So I’m kind of curious what yours is. When you look back at the whole situation, what is that one strategy that you use that you feel made the biggest difference for you?

Laura:
I think it’s like being more matter of a fact. Like I think one of the reasons why we broke up in the first place was because we just weren’t very good at communicating. And so one thing that I did whilst I was in no contact and speaking to the people in the group was looking at things like crucial conversation on… like it’s not just about now. It’s about like whilst we’re now back together to have those conversations, it’s got to be started somewhere and rather than not coming across well.

Laura:
Like before, when I was in a relationship with him, it was almost like everything just got shoved under the rug, whereas now, like we actually speak about things and about how it’s like enjoying that time as well. So even whilst we were dating, we were having those conversations and building that up. And like now, like we can speak about anything because of that, I think, like anything that’s bothering either one of us and we can have conversations. Whereas I really do think like that just wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t find the program.

Chris Seiter:
So you’re saying- and this is interesting. You’re saying that one of the biggest things you took was the fact that you need to be better at communicating throughout the entire, I guess, conversations that you have with him. Did you take that approach when you were trying to win him back even? Like when you were just talking to him?

Laura:
Yeah, definitely. Like I listened to like the whole program on YouTube.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, that’s kind of cool. Can you give me like an example, when you’re trying to get him, back of a conversation that you would have with him in this new way of thinking?

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Laura:
Well, I mean, I suppose like that’s more like if we’re having like a complicated conversation, like talking about if I’m messaging another guy or if he’s messaging another girl even, like they might just be mates. But like those types of conversations where instead of just nagging and saying, “Oh, why are you messaging her?” It’s more like you’re having fun and you’re having a laugh and then in between you kind of sandwich in one of those types of conversations to say like… sort of like saying it the same, but trying not to say it in a naggy way, I guess. I can’t like put the conversation into words that we would have had like at those times, like those different moments. But I think like one of the things that we’re trying to do is kind of just be straight to the point like. And I think he’s a sort of person that would appreciate that.

Laura:
I’m not saying that every single person that people are going to be with are going to appreciate that, but having that openness and just being like… Like the conversation that we had before no conta- well, if you’re not going to be happy with me, then go off with somebody else and being straight like that kind of, I think, that helped him to my advantage in the end. Like didn’t feel great at the time, but he didn’t know that. So to him it was like, “Oh, well she’s just doing her own thing.” But obviously inside, I was really thinking, “Oh, great. Now he’s just going to go off with somebody else.” But that obviously didn’t happen.

Chris Seiter:
So it’s kind of interesting that you’re to the point because a lot of the clients that I work with are not ever to the point. And I’m kind of curious about your experience with it. Do you mind if I give you like an example and just you tell me how you would have approached it?

Laura:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So let’s say after your second period of no contact, because that seems to be really where you started to see the biggest difference for whatever reason, your schedules permitted seeing each other in person a lot more, it seems like you’re talking a lot more consistently than maybe you were before. But after that second period of no contact, did at any point he sit back and start asking you about like, “Hey, what are your feelings?” Or was he scared to initiate something like that? How would you handle that situation?

Laura:
So he didn’t ask any of those types of questions. That all had to be me because he just doesn’t ask anything like that.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So how would you handle it? Did you bring that up at all and in what way did you bring it up?

Laura:
So it was kind of like it got to a point with me where I was a bit fed up, like I’m just waiting around for you to kind of like ask me if we’re going to be together or where things are going to go from here. And I [inaudible 00:21:24] and say like, “Things do seem to be going well with, so when are we getting back together?” Like not demanding in that way, but like when are we going to sort things out and be back together because it was just getting a bit silly now. Like we are basically back together, but we’ve not got the label. And at that time he was a bit like, “Oh, I’m not really sure. I’m not really sure.” That’s how [inaudible 00:21:52] things, but then like two days later after we hadn’t spoken, he’s like, “Oh no, I do want to sort things out. Like when are we next going to see each other.” Although like we’d have those conversations, sometimes they required like time afterwards like whilst we were dating. Obviously not now, but whilst we were dating, I think like you’d have those conversations and then give it a bit of time and not like keep going over it because I mean, I’ve seen cases where people perhaps have done that in their situation and then it just starts an argument and we’d never had any of that. Like we didn’t argue at all through the process.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So you said you would be the one to reach out to him and basically say, “Hey, what are we? Like this is ridiculous.” And he just kind of kept pushing it off. Would I be correct in assuming that when he would push it off, you just wouldn’t push any more?

Laura:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. So what would happen… And this is just purely theoretical because it didn’t happen, but how would you handle him coming back and saying something like, “You know what? I really, really love you, but I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.” If you can put yourself back in that frame of mind where you’re trying to get him back, what is your approach to that situation? How do you think you would respond to it?

Laura:
I’d just say, “Well, then we’re not going to date then, are we?”

Chris Seiter:
And would you back it up, I guess is my point. Because I see a lot of people who say that, but they don’t back it up. But from what I’m gathering, it seems like one of your biggest advantages in getting a back was the fact that, like you said, you were willing to give him space after he was like kind of all over the place. And you said he had like a family member that had passed away and you just sort of gave him space. It seems like were you were willing to, quote unquote, “lose him” and you were okay with that if that’s what had to happen.

Laura:
Yeah. So I’d say like if it had happened in kind of the first month of me like starting the program, maybe even the first two months, of sorting out, I’d have probably been a mess about it. But I think it just got to a point where I was like, “Well, I don’t need you. I just was looking, first, to sort things out and if it wasn’t going to be sorted out, then that’s fine.” And that does help. And I think that’s the point that I got to in the September. And that’s why the second no contact worked so well for me is because I wasn’t bothered anymore.

Chris Seiter:
So, I guess my question for you would be, how does you get emotionally to that point? What were some of the things that you would do?

Laura:
I mean, the biggest thing’s really like when I went through, obviously, the book that you guys have, there were different points. Like I focused on that first part of the book, really. I didn’t really read much of the text messaging part of the book, I read more of that first part where you focus on yourself and look at your own relationships and what you do in the day. Like are you spending time doing useful things or are you just sitting around type of thing. And I focused on my fitness, I learned how to play the guitar, which I can still play like a year into it. Well, less than a year, but sort of coming up to a year that I’ve now been playing and I’ve got really good at it. And that’s all from starting this program that kind of gave me that. I was doing like therapy as well at the time. And because I’ve gone through some stuff early, which kind of like was one of the reasons why we’d broken up and that helps and going through all of that like emotional clearance in my head and then taking the time to myself like all over the summer and just sorting out my own issues, my own problems and getting to a point where I just felt secure with everything.

Laura:
Because I think like the biggest problem for me, like at the beginning of starting the program, is I felt like really insecure about it. Like, “Oh, we’re never going to get back together. I really care about him. This the end of the world.” But that was obviously not the case because that’s not realistic. But at the time that was how I felt in my head because I was a bit of a mess and I needed that going through the program. Like when I searched on the Internet I thought, “Oh. It’s just probably another scam.” Like no offense.

Chris Seiter:
No worries, no worries.

Laura:
But it’s like one of them things, like you look for stuff on the Internet, don’t you, when you’re like in a bit of a mess with yourself. And I think that was what it was. Like I’d never had problems like that before in relationships. It was just this one for some reason, it had just gone a bit of a mess and we will always fine up until like that kind of last couple of months. So yeah, I think just that focusing on myself, focusing in on the different that I could do, whether it be going out with my mates. Going and doing things on my own, like there was a lot of stuff even whilst we started dating again where we’d set that we were going to go and do it, but then I’d say, “Well, what do you want to come and do this with me like as a date sort of thing?” And if he said no, I’d still go and do it myself. And I think having that confidence and doing that through the program kind of helped me to achieve that.

Chris Seiter:
You know, it’s interesting you bring that up. Almost every success story that I’ve talked to says something along the same lines of they stop focusing so much on what their ex was doing and started focusing on how they were using their time. But I’m also curious in how you use the program because a lot of people use parts of it and a lot of people don’t use parts of it. So when you look back at your experience, you had mentioned the Facebook group. What do you feel like was the most valuable aspect of our program for you?

Laura:
I’d say probably it’s like the support of the Facebook group does really help because although like the book’s there and it is helpful like to read initially, when it actually comes to putting the masters together like you can’t read the other book, it’s always good to get somebody else’s opinion. And having like all them people to back you up on what you do and you just know you’re doing the right thing. And people that have gone through the program as well that have achieved that and whether they have decided whether they want their ex back or not, by the end of it, they know what they’re talking about and they just.. I see them like help people all the time and that definitely helped me through that. Like some specific people that really like gave me a lot of help whilst I was going through it with like the stuff that I’d send or just like generally like, “Oh, what would I respond to this type of thing rather than news?” And like the guide of the book is good, but because everyone’s situation is so different in some cases to what’s in the book, they kind of helped to kind of bring it together for each path and in their situation.

Chris Seiter:
So would it be fair for me to say that you were at a point emotionally where you knew you were going to be okay, even if you didn’t get him back?

Laura:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
And would you agree with me when I say that that mentality you feel is important to your success of getting him back?

Laura:
Yeah, definitely. And I think like all the people that I’ve spoken to on the Facebook group spoke like that’s this thing as well. Like they say that that’s how they felt and the people that then seem happier in the group are the people that have gone through that and focus that time on themselves and been like, “Yeah, do you know what? It’s not worth it anymore.” Or, “No, I still want him back, but if I don’t get him back, then it’s fine.” Or her.

Chris Seiter:
Or her. 90% of the people in the group right now are females. So very rare to get males in there, but there are a few males. No, your situation’s real interesting to me because I think yours really, really embodies that sort of moving on without moving on type mentality that is so hard to get. And so the reason I’m asking you so many questions about it is I’m trying to… For you, and I’m just asking your honest opinion, do you feel like that’s something that you could sort of fake or it’s something that you really need to feel down to your core?

Laura:
You definitely need to feel it. I think you can fake it to start with, but then there comes a point where if you keep faking it and you’re not really feeling that way, you’re just going to not come out the other end and just still feel rubbish for months and months when you don’t need to if you just actually took that time just to focus on yourself. I know like in the group who share like different ideas on what people can focus on. Like not everyone’s got loads of money to be splashing on everything. So there are loads of things that people can do to focus in on themselves, which stops you thinking about the other person in the situation.

Chris Seiter:
That’s true. That’s true. Well, thank you so much for coming on, Laura. Your insight’s always valuable to help everyone listening understand the mindset you need to have in order to get an ex back.

Laura:
That’s all right. Well, thanks for your helping getting my ex back.

Chris Seiter:
You’re welcome. You’re welcome.