Hi Guys!
My name is Amor and I am the virtual relationship specialist for Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
In other words, I answer all of your comments and help Chris create content for the website. When Chris hired me and I first started answering comments for EBR (example below.)
I constantly found myself wondering,
“I wonder why this person’s boyfriend broke up with them?”
The truth is that I wanted to know because I wanted to avoid the cause because I am in a relationship too.
But as time went on and I interacted with thousands of commenters I came to understand that there are no hard rules with relationships. However, if you look hard enough you can find commonalities.
And that’s what I wanted to write about today.
I wanted to talk about the most common reasons that I have seen for why a boyfriend breaks up with you.
It’s funny, sometimes the same reasons for a breakup came from the same exact scenarios it just happened that they were from different commenters. I even ended up asking one or two of them if they are the same person, but it turns out that they just made the same type of mistakes and ended up in the same situation.
So, here is how this page is going to work. I have compiled the top ten most common reasons for a breakup that I have encountered in my time with Ex Boyfriend Recovery. However, when I was running this article by Chris he was adamant that everything that we posted to the site had to be the best in the world.
Therefore, he suggested that in addition to giving you the most common reasons for a breakup I should also give you what to do if you find yourself in that particular situation.
That Chris…
He always makes me do more work. I guess that’s why Ex Boyfriend Recovery is beloved by so many people though.
Let’s not get off topic.
You are probably dying to see the reasons, right? Well, prepare your heart for a bumpy ride because I know that even though you are excited some of these reasons are going to cause you just a pinch of pain too.
Let’s go!
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Part One: The Most Common Reasons For Why He Broke Up With You
Like I said above, I have compiled the 10 most common reasons for why your ex boyfriend broke up with you.
Some of you may be sitting back and wondering if there is a specific reason for why I ordered the reasons in this way.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNo…
Please disregard that type of thinking.
I just started brainstorming and jotted reasons down as I went.
I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no rhyme or reason for why these are ordered the way they are.
Ok, enough talking.
It’s time to teach!
Reason One: His “Feelings” Aren’t The Same Anymore
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen this. In fact, I think that I’ve seen this so many times that I think this is the new “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I am getting visions of George from Seinfeld,
If your ex boyfriend said any of the things below then it’s a pretty safe bet that you have fallen into “reason one.”
“The relationship is not the same as before anymore.”
“You changed a lot, and you’re not the person I used to love.”
“I just don’t feel “in love” anymore”
“I still love you but I’m not in love with you.”
“It doesn’t feel right anymore.”
The truth is, is that there are a lot of reasons for why a person might change their feelings but I figured this might be easier if we stay in the spirit of the article and tackle the most common reasons for why an ex boyfriends feelings changed for you.
Complacency
You’ve heard of the honeymoon stage, right? It’s the first stage of a relationship. It’s when everything feels right and nothing could go wrong and you agree on pretty much everything!
I am pretty sure Chris has talked about this a lot and has even recorded a podcast episode of it.
Well, complacency is what happens right after “the honeymoon period.”
Initially I thought that having a man be complacent would only happen during a long term relationship but it actually starts when the honeymoon period ends. Its right when you start to get comfortable around each other, and you stop going the extra mile to impress him. So, of course when you get to that comfortable stage of the relationship you start to show more of who you really are.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“So, are you saying I can’t be myself anymore Amor?”
Not exactly…
Let me be more specific, so you don’t get confused. .
I work at home. So, I don’t have much of a reason to fix myself up.
(Sometimes I look like a lioness with my uncombed big messy hair!)
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But I did stop combing my hair!
- I stopped putting make up on
- Wearing good clothes
- I could go on but I think you get the idea
I became the very definition of complacent.
And since I work at home, I began asking my boyfriend to spend all of his available time with me. So, we would only watch TV when I didn’t have to work and if he wasn’t available I would just sleep.
Okay, maybe that’s an extreme example but sometimes in order to illustrate a point you have to be extreme.
Here are a few more relatable ones:
- When you go to the same place every time, because you had so much fun there the last time you went and it begins to get old.
- When you do the same things for him all the time because you think it makes him happy.
- And on the flip side when you stop to do the things that you used to do to attract him.
- So, those are just some of the things I could think of but I think you get my point.
Reason Two: You Just Aren’t A Good Match
Here’s a question for you,
Is there really such a thing as not being a good match for your ex when in reality both of you fell in love with each other at one point during your relationship? Isn’t that the very definition of being a good match?
It’s a very hard question to answer but I think most of the time people who realize that they aren’t a good match for their significant other didn’t get to know each other well enough before they jumped into a committed relationship.
Heck, sometimes it’s also because one of them entered the relationship for the wrong reasons in the first place (see rebound) and eventually they came to their senses and realized they aren’t a good match for their current significant other.
Now, I imagine at this point you are probably sitting back wondering,
“Amor, I don’t quite get it…”
I completely understand your confusion. So, in an effort to clear up some of that confusion here are different examples illustrating what I am trying to say about being a mismatch with your ex.
Scenario 1: Your Values Don’t Match
Let’s pretend that you used a dating app and ended up dating this guy.
As time goes by, you begin to discover traits about him that you he didn’t exactly display during the “get to know you phase.” Eventually you discover a few things about him that you don’t like but when you weigh it on your handy pro’s and con’s chart,
The good outweighs the bad.
So, you continue dating.
But then that fateful day happens where you discover the one trait about him that is the deal breaker.
Maybe he likes kicking puppies or something like that.
Do you let him go or not?
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You aren’t a match anymore.
Scenario 2: Feeling Like You Are Not Enough
Believe it or not but I actually encounter a lot of this.
Most of the time, the other person doesn’t deserve the partner they have. For example, let’s say that you felt this extreme pressure to be a certain way because the guy you are dating has these HUGE standards and if you don’t meet these standards he is going to feel that you aren’t enough for him.
I’ll give you an example.
Actually this example is from a comment that I answered story and truthfully it sounds like it would make a great Hollywood movie.
At first, I couldn’t believe the choices she made but hey, on some level I understand where she is coming from. We’re all human and we make mistakes.
Oh, and if this person is reading and worried about their identity being outed I want to assure you that I didn’t name you and I made your story sound as vague as possible for your protection.
Are you ready for the story?
One day a girl meets a guy that she is very interested in. He is everything that she wants in a man. He is successful, has a degree and his family life is incredible. So, after meeting him she decided that she was going to tell a little white lie.
She told him that she was successful academically and had a degree (she didn’t have one.) She also neglected to mention that her family life was not the greatest.
The truth is that he had very high standards for women.
And at first, he liked her because he thought she had this degree and when he would close his eyes he could see a good future for the both of them.
Now, here is where things get crazy. The girl was currently in school studying for her degree and in her mind if she could just hold the lie long enough to finish her degree he wouldn’t ever find out that she lied. Of course, you probably know what happened next. The whole situation got caught up in a series of lies and eventually the guy found out.
But here is my question to you. Who do you think is really at fault here?
The girl, because she lied?
OR
The guy, because of his expectations?
Another very common example of this, and I think you girls can relate more to this one, is when a guy says that he’s not good enough for you.
For example he will say something like,
“You will find someone better. I’m just not the guy for you.”
But honestly who is he to tell you that he’s not the one for you? Ultimately it’s your decision to decide for yourself who is right for you.
Don’t worry we’ll get to that later.
Reason Three: A New Chapter…
I know what you’re thinking,
Amor, what do you mean when you say “new chapter?”
New chapters are life changing events that happen in our lives. Most of the time they can be very exciting but sometimes you come across a “new chapter” that is a bit sad.
This begs an interesting question,
How do you actually identify a new chapter in life?
“Would him getting a new girlfriend be considered a “new chapter?””
Yes it would.
Him getting a new girlfriend is considered a life changing event.
“Ok, well what if he got a new car?”
Hmm… technically this is an event that will change his life but getting a new car doesn’t really change much about his day to day routine, it just makes some of it either faster or more efficient.
“Moving to a new house?”
Yes, I would consider this to be a “life changing” event. In fact, this is a life changing event that is happening for Chris, the founder of Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
As I am writing this post he is traveling across The United States with his wife to settle into his first home.
(Make sure you congratulate him in the comments. I’ll earn some extra brownie points.)
Of course, this is Ex Boyfriend Recovery so we are going to discuss life changing events that directly affected your breakup with your ex boyfriend.
I’ve listed the most common ones that I have seen while answering comments below,
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Graduating From School (Or Transferring To A New School)
Ahh graduations.. It’s the one event that makes you feel like a “grown up” and gives you a huge sense of accomplishment. And let’s not forget the fact that it’s a very exciting event for couples too!
Actually all this talk about graduations reminded me of a story between me and my boyfriend.
I haven’t told anyone on Ex Boyfriend Recovery this before but I actually went to college with my boyfriend. The college we ended up attending was only a two year university and after we both graduated we were faced with a decision.
Should we continue our education or should we try to enter the workforce?
Ultimately I decided that I was going to enter the workforce while my boyfriend decided that he was going to finish out his education.
We had both come to a crossroads and we took opposite paths,
Truthfully I was so envious when he went back to school while I went on to work at a mall as a cashier.
Not that I’m ashamed of the cashier job. I just came to the realization that I really wanted to finish school.
But I was also very happy for him too.
Of course, the one thing I didn’t count on was the fact that some of our school friends teased us by saying things like,
You guys are probably going to breakup…
How can a relationship last if you don’t get to see each other that often?
I’m not going to lie, it was hard.
We weren’t in a long distance relationship “per se” but our schedules barely matched.
My work became extremely stressful (I’ll tell you all about that in the career section!) while he was having fun at school.
Eventually I would always find myself comparing my work schedule to his school responsibilities and I became a little resentful that he was having an easier time than I was.
The truth was that we had different priorities and we were kind of living in different worlds. Ultimately we were always fighting because we didn’t quite understand each other anymore.
But I really do feel like those trials and tribulations with him made me so much more sympathetic to what you guys are going through.
For example, I am constantly reading stories where a couple breaks up because the two members of the relationship graduated high school and decided to attend different colleges.
This is the most common scenario I have been seeing lately,
You and boyfriend are so happy because both of you are graduating. He’s not showing any signs of having a problem with you or the incoming new chapter in your lives.
And then during vacation, you spend almost every day together.
He’s all sweet.
Planning out exactly what you guys should do while you’re apart. How you can make “the long distance relationship” work. Yada, yada, yada.
And then, in the blink of an eye when both of you are about to go to college he breaks up with you.
Why?
Because he sees (and he says) that in the future (in college) your relationship probably won’t work because of the distance and both of you might meet other people.
Side Note: Most guys won’t even say all of this. Deep down they don’t want to hurt your feelings because they know that the truth will probably hurt you on a very deep level and you may feel like he led you on (which he kind of did.)
Another very big life change can revolve around career and business.
Career and Business
Your career is arguably going to be the biggest part of your life.
But can it really be an underlying reason for a breakup?
Of course!
I would like to continue the story I started telling you above.
Do you remember how I told you that my boyfriend and I had to take different paths?
I went to work while he decided to continue school.
The truth is that I had to find work so I could help my family with household expenses.
I remember there were actually times where I cried a lot because of the sheer stress of the job I had found. But it was made even worse because I couldn’t see my boyfriend who I was deeply in love with. I only had about 1 to 2 days off a week.
And I always spent my first day off catching up on sleep because I always felt extremely sleep deprived. And here is where things get tricky. Sometimes my work would schedule my second day off three days after my first day off. So, what do you think I did with that day off?
I slept!
The Result = I did not get to see my boyfriend at all….
Now, I know what you are thinking,
Amor, being a cashier at a mall is kind of an easy job.
Not true… malls in my country are the “go to” place for everyone. It’s a little insane how much traffic would go through there
So, while I was working there my boyfriend and I didn’t get to see each other at all.
And I feel like this is a common issue for people who have a career.
According to this article from Business Insider;
The average person spends 90,000 hours at work over their lifetime.
And that might not be the most shocking statistic cited.
According to the article a couple in which one partner spends 10+ more than usual at work, divorce twice the average rate!
So, when your boyfriend would constantly say to you that he is extremely stressed from work. There are certain times where that could be a valid gripe.
But when I did my research it wasn’t really the work itself that was causing the problems. It’s the simple fact that one party in the relationship is overworked.
Though I would like to say it’s also my personal belief that most of the time the environment at his job can be a cause of stress too.
Look, here is what I am getting at.
The more stressed your boyfriend becomes in his job the more stress it will put on your relationship.
I have experienced this phenomenon myself and I can tell that just by reading and replying to hundreds of comments every day that you are experiencing it too.
Oh, and don’t even get me started on a mans fear of losing his job.
Fear in and of itself is enough to cause a breakup.
Family Matters
For those of you wondering when I refer to “family matters” I am not talking about the famous 90’s TV show with Steve Urkel.
When I refer to “family matters” I am referring to life changes involving your family. And the truth is that life changes revolving around your family can be extremely difficult to deal with. Not just because when there’s a change it’s big by nature but it’s also due to the fact that it doesn’t just involve you and him, it involves the other members of the family too.
But I think the smartest way to start this off is by talking about being a parent.
I’d specifically like to focus in on these two areas,
- When you have a newborn together
- When one of you has a child outside of your relationship
If you are wondering about my personal life I am actually not a parent yet.
Well, that’s not exactly true.
I’m a “fur” parent.
Fur Parent = Being A Parent To Dogs And Cats
But even though I love my cats and dogs of course, the responsibilities don’t compare to having a child.
Let’s talk about newborns.
When You Have A Newborn Together
At first, I was going to add being pregnant as a reason but we already have a separate article for that so I figured I would just leave that article to explain everything.
Anyways, when I was in high school I met three life changing people. These three women would go on to be my best friends in the whole world. We did everything you can imagine together. But one day that all changed.
Care to take a guess at what changed it?
It was actually when one of our core group found out she was pregnant.
We were ready to adjust and all. There would be no more late nights with her for a while. Actually now that I think about it we haven’t had any late nights with her ever since she had the little one 🙁 . But I remember that the last time I talked to her she mentioned something that I thought was interesting.
She mentioned that she thought her husband had undergone some changes himself as a result of the baby being born.
She is a working mom. So, when her daughter was born she took maternity leave but had to go back to work early (I think only about 3 months after the birth.) She shared that while she was at home, she felt empty. Not just because she was used to working but because she feels she has to have this other world completely separate from being a mom.
Don’t get me wrong, she’s a very good mom.
But what I gathered from her little pow wow was that sometimes mothers can forget that they’re not just moms. In other words, human beings are much more than just parents, they have their own hobbies, schedules, aspirations and most of the time you share those things with your husband or boyfriend.
But when you become a mom you are forced to put some of those hobbies or aspirations aside.
Such is motherhood…
It’s easy to forget that you’re a wife or a girlfriend too. You have other duties as a woman.
You’re not just a mom.
When One Of You Have A Child Outside Of The Relationship
It always breaks my heart when I read a situation in the comments where an ex boyfriend says that his child doesn’t approve of the relationship or when his child is too young to understand and he chooses to breakup with her.
Unfortunately this can happen a lot when your relationship is the new chapter in that child’s life and that child sees you as a threat to his/her relationship with his/her parent.
What are you supposed to do in this situation?
Do you convince him to stay and wait for the child to get used to you or do you just accept the fact that his child may never approve of you?
Though I will say that this is generally a rare reason for a breakup.
Actually, the more common reason revolves around when you are the parent of the child and your ex boyfriend suddenly realizes that he can’t be a father to your child yet. In other words, he isn’t ready for a bigger commitment.
And here’s where things get tricky.
Most of the time during the breakup talk he won’t even hint that this is an underlying reason that makes him want to break up with you.
Harsh, huh?
Reason Four: Social/Societal Differences
With this section there are two “reasons” that I really want to talk about.
Cultural differences
&
Financial differences
Let’s start with cultural differences,
Cultural Differences
Do you have the same feeling that I do when I meet foreigners?
I want to understand the way they act. I am fascinated by what they eat and what their traditions are.
Ultimately I think it’s awesome of how different they are from me.
But when you’re in a relationship….
That might be a different story. The differences can be cute but sometimes it can be a major problem.
Let me give you an example, in the Philippines filipino children are expected to live with at least one of their parents when they can’t take care of themselves anymore. It’s a taboo to leave parents in an old persons home unless the circumstances are better for the parent to stay in one.
In this case, let’s pretend that you are dating someone from the Phillipines and you aren’t familiar with this cultural difference. All you want in the world is to move in together with your boyfriend but that just became impossible when his mother fell ill and he moved in with her to take care of her.
It may be petty on your part but you begin to resent him and this causes a lot of friction in your relationship.
Oh, and we haven’t even scratched the surface yet.
There’s actually a more obvious a problem.
What if the problem is your race? What if your ex boyfriend breaks up with you just because his family doesn’t want you because you’re not the same race as them.
Actually I commonly see this with Indians and Asians in the comments. Indian and Asian parents prefer their child to marry whom they choose but sometimes tradition gets in the way.
Financial Status
Hey it’s the 21st century, can a guy really break up with you because you have a higher salary than him?
You may not know this about me but in addition to answering comments on Ex Boyfriend Recovery I am also in charge of answering comments for Chris’ other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery (it’s very similar to this one except it’s focus is around helping men.)
Anyways, the other day I was reading through the comments there and I came across something very peculiar.
A man actually broke up with his girlfriend because she was making more money than him (which he regretted doing.) Yup, apparently she likes to live a lavish life and he got insecure because of that.
And then I read another comment almost identical to that one. This one said,
“I broke up with her because she’s so successful in her career. I want to establish myself first before we get married but now I realize I made the wrong decision.”
That’s word for word what he said by the way.
But let’s go a bit deeper with this.
Let’s say, hypothetically, I earn more than what my own boyfriend earns and it’s not a problem with him. He’s open to that since he’s not unemployed. It just so happens that I earn more than him.
I can buy whatever I want, do whatever I want and go whenever I want without needing a man to pay for me.
But somewhere I’m not sensitive enough about how he manages his finances and to what he feels about our pay differences. And since I know he doesn’t earn much I pay for everything when I want to go someplace with him and I don’t mind, really!
In fact, I insist I pay.
And then eventually I sense that I’m hurting his ego. So I offer that we split pay instead.
We do this all the time.
And then all of a sudden, after a long time together he suddenly says he’s not for me.
I did everything not to hurt his ego so why did he break up with me?
That’s a question that many women are wondering and one that we are going to finish answering before when I start talking about the solutions to all of these reasons for breakups.
Religion
Actually I just included this because it is one of the big societal differences but we already have an article about this for you.
Check out the religious differences article!
Reason Five: An Accumulation Of Disagreements
The truth is that I think this reason is very obvious which is why I am not going to dive too in-depth for you here.
But before I move on I do want to address a question.
By accumulation of disagreements, do you think I mean all the fighting that happened at the end of the relationship or an accumulation of all the fights that piled up throughout the duration of your relationship?
Honestly, I think it’s both.
“Wait… Wait… How can a fight during the first year of our relationship matter when we have been together for three years years now?”
Well, was the fight that you had during the first year of your relationship a recurring topic?
Have you really addressed the problem when it happened and had a solution for it or did you just fight about it and then over time decide to forget about it because you can’t handle being separated or “at odds” during that time?
Reason Six: The Relationship Is Moving Too Quickly
Sometimes it’s funny how a girl quickly assumes that a guy is a commitment phobe when the guy breaks up with her at the start of the relationship.
If this is what you believe consider this,
What guy in the right frame of mind would want a breakup in the middle of the honeymoon period right?
Everything is just so right and romantic!
The commitment phobe kind of guy?
Not really…
Sometimes we don’t notice that we’re expecting things too early in the relationship.
Like sleeping with him on the first date and then expecting him to introduce you in the family in the next week?
Like wanting to talk or text all day long and then after one day of him not texting that much, you go berserk asking him why and what happened to him?
These are the kind of things that scare men off.
Sometimes it’s beneficial to let things unfold naturally and not rush them.
Reason Seven: Cheating Or Lying
“Betrayal is the worst … and the key to moving past it is to identify what led up to it in the first place.” — Charles J. Orlando
I love that quote. It gives you hope when you make a mistake.
One of the worst parts of my day is when I see a lot of comments from women saying that their boyfriend broke up with them because they lied a lot or even cheated.
Most of the time the cause of the lie is to fit what they think what their boyfriend wanted to hear or see from them.
And of course with cheating well, who wouldn’t want a break up after somebody cheated on them?
Reason Eight: Losing Your Own Individuality
I have a question for you.
How do you know if you are loving too much?
Personally, whenever my boyfriend gets too lazy to go to work and he says he just wants to stay with me because he’s so happy in the moment.
I get mushy!
Hahaha!
Of course who wouldn’t be right?
But believe or not, I don’t want him to skip work. We’ve been together for seven years and I know, it will not be fun the whole day because I will keep feeling guilty because he will either lie or file a leave of absence which he can’t use for anymore.
So, I always sing this song as a joke to him:
“I was standing all alone against the world outside
You were searching
For a place to hide
Lost and lonely
Now you’ve given me the will to survive
When we’re hungry, love will keep us alive.”
When I get to the last line, he always smiles and then he gets up.
Oh by the way, if you don’t know that song, its “Love Will Keep Us Alive” by The Eagles!
When you always put off what you want to do for him and when you set aside your own dreams for his, that means you are losing your individuality.
Sometimes it’s ok to put aside what you want so he can do what he wants but that should be a temporary thing. Like eating at his favorite restaurant with him once or twice, even if you hate the food there.
But let’s say he says that you should avoid your friends because he doesn’t like them even if he doesn’t have a valid reason for forbidding you, then that’s completely different.
Reason Nine: Grass Is Greener Syndrome
Do you know what GIGS is?
You don’t know?
Man, you better put your reading glasses on and read some more of this site.
GIGS = Grass Is Greener Syndrome
It’s when he sees someone that he thinks is better than you. In other words, he thinks he the grass is greener on the other side.
But is it?
Well, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. You should really read that article I linked to above.
Reason Ten: Distance
I am going to hit you with some extreme honesty here. I don’t ever want to be in a long distance relationship.
In my opinion, this is actually one of the situations that has the slimmest chance of success.
But that’s my own opinion.
Our research has proven my opinion wrong. In fact, we have seen quite a few long distance relationship successes in our time.
So, it’s important to keep that in mind when you are struggling with this situation.
Part Two: How To Solve Each Of The Problems Above
This is where things are going to really start to heat up.
You see, part one of this article was all about explaining the top reasons for breakup. But Chris was adamant about the fact that everything we post to this website has to be the best in the world.
And that’s how part two of this article was born.
He suggested to me that instead of just ending the article after I have listed of all the common reasons for breakups I should dive even deeper and talk about what people should do if they find themselves on those type of situations.
In other words, I am going to teach you the solutions to the problems I presented above.
Let’s start from the beginning (again.)
Solution One: His “Feelings” Aren’t The Same Anymore
Actually this falls in the “general breakup” category. As we discussed above, being complacent is the cause of this happening. Generally, the no contact rule will help you a lot but not just because you stopped talking to him.
It’s actually what you do during the no contact rule.
Aside from improving yourself.
Go to the places that the two of you talked about going but never quite had the time to go.
Go with your friends and then start doing activities that the two of you talked about but never quite had a chance to do.
And post these experiences on Facebook, it will help him to remember the good times, miss you and wish he was there with you.
You have to start living life the way you wanted to when you were still together. You have to be the person or the kind of partner you planned on being while you were with him.
Not just because you wanted to impress him but because that’s what you really wanted. Generally I have found that women put those kinds of things on hold because of schedule, money, or just being plain being lazy.
“But Amor… wouldn’t he think that I’m already moving on? Because I’m doing all of these type of things alone?”
Yes, he will think that…
“Wait, then wouldn’t he just want to move on himself too?”
Well, I’m assuming he’s not an alien and time for him runs the same speed as time for you. Hehe! Just kidding!
If he is affected, that means he’s probably going to miss you. That means he can get angry, but if you’re not fueling that anger by talking to him, he might realize that you have the right to do the things you always wanted to do because you’re single and you’re a human.
Solution Two: You Just Aren’t A Good Match
When a guy says,
We’re not a good match…. We aren’t meant to be.
It can really hurt because it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you but please don’t take it like that.
Let’s go back to the scenarios I gave:
Scenario one: Your Values Mismatch.
What if something that you hold near and dear to your heart is something that’s NOT important for the person you love?
For example, I like dogs and if my partner doesn’t like them, then we are probably going to have to have a serious talk.
In this particular case, you need to assess if there’s a “work around” for the situation. I would probably ask him what he doesn’t like about dogs and what we can do about it.
If he says, he’s allergic to them, then I’ll groom them constantly to avoid pet dander and get a house that they can have their own space so he doesn’t have to be around them all the time.
But It’s an entirely different story if he hurts animals. Of course even if you don’t like animals, a person shouldn’t be like that. You should observe him more because they say it’s a sign that he will hurt people someday too or he already did.
In essence, he doesn’t have to love my dogs, he just has to respect them and let me love them. I can work with that.
But personally, I’m blessed that my boyfriend loves animals too.
It’s actually one of the first requirements that I had. Hehe!
But I am getting way off topic here.
What I am really trying to say is that you have to remember what your core values are.
What are your deal breakers?
Think of it like this. If if you marry him, you will probably live with this person for the rest of your life.
Imagine that.
Let’s say he finally changes at the age of 90 but you married him at 30, can you handle 60 years of waiting for him to change?
Scenario 2: Psychological Mismatch.
Like I said earlier, most of the time a mismatch can happen from how we think.
If the case is that you think you’re not good enough for him, that’s actually easier solve.
Just build your confidence.
It’s good that you know there will always be someone better, because that’s true. But it’s different if you think you will never be enough for him.
And take note of the word never. Because as I said, there has to be a balance.
If you think you’ll always be enough for him, you’ll be complacent with the relationship and take him for granted.
If you think you’ll never be enough, you’ll be insecure and then a lot of other problems will stem from that.
So, have your own life.
Build your confidence.
And whoever you are, as long as you’re being true to yourself, he will accept you. It’s better to lose somebody because you’re being truthful than keep them because of a lie.
But Amor… What do you do if he says, he’s not good enough for you?
Well, the first thing you have to find out is “why?”
Is it because of what you always say?
Is it because of your differences socially, financially, characteristically?
Is it because of what recently happened in your life? Like a graduation?
He’s just using this reason as an excuse for the real reason.
Solution Three: A New Chapter…
When it comes to this solution there are actually three new chapters that I would like to focus on,
- Graduating/Transferring To/From A School
- Career And Business
- Family Matters
Let’s start from the top,
Graduating/Transferring To/From A School
I have found that the most likely reason for your ex boyfriend to break up with you after graduating from school is either the grass is greener syndrome or distance being involved.
Both are actually discussed as one of the “common reasons” but we’re going to focus on the more obvious reason in this case.
Your ex boyfriend might have broken up with you because he thinks he needs to experience life and he might meet a better person. This is whether he moves away to a college or not.
So, what would you do if you found yourself in this situation?
You need to agree with him and let him be at first. In other words, start an “active no contact.” If you had a long relationship he will probably miss you but don’t let that fact go to your head. Make sure you really focus on improving yourself.
He probably doesn’t expect you to just accept his decision so do the exact opposite of what he’s expecting.
Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate. – Sun Tzu (The Art Of War)
Career And Business
Let’s say that the cause of your breakup is his stress with his job. One of the biggest mistakes you could make would be to beg for him back. In the end, he will just associate you as another stressor in his life.
Generally speaking all he is going to think about during this time is getting rid of everything that stresses him out.
Promising him you’ll change while he’s breaking up with you will not change his mind either because all he wants to do is detach.
So, let him be.
Let him have a breather. Even if it’s from your relationship.
Think of it as your way of helping him have less responsibilities/stresses for a moment.
Does that mean every time he’s stresses you’re going to break up?
No.
But you can’t make the same mistakes that you did when he broke up with you.
Let’s be honest, you became one of his stressors because you kept demanding his time or demanding a reply from him which I suppose is understandable. But as you can imagine it can be extremely difficult for him to see you in an attractive light when you just keep stressing him out.
Family Matters
The two situations I wanted to talk about here revolve around children.
- Having a newborn
- Having a child outside of the partnership
Let’s talk a bit about newborns.
As I’ve said above I’ve never actually been a parent. So, I’m not going to pretend I know how it feels. But I definitely can see how hard it is.
In my culture, it’s not uncommon for the family members like parents or siblings to help out in taking care of a newborn.
Now, what do I mean by that? Well, I mean that they help out because most of the time the parents are working so grandmas/grandpas, aunts or uncles can take care of the baby in the morning and then the younger siblings help out after their school day is over.
If it’s a still a baby that needs care almost 24/7, then everybody in the family will take turns to help put the baby to sleep.
Here’s my point, most of you are hands on moms and dads and don’t have a lot of people to help out which leaves one of both of you burned out.
Which inevitably leads to taking care of yourself.
And then because of a lack of sleep you often fight with your partner too.
My best friend who’s already a mom often tells me that she really has to separate being a mom and a wife.
When you’re very good at being a mom, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re being a very good wife. Going out with just her husband alone is very essential.
But what I was shocked with was when she said that we, her friends, are a part of making her married life successful too.
Whenever she goes out with us, either once a week or twice a month, and we do new things, it keeps her in check. She’s being reminded that she’s an individual. Not just a mom and a wife.
It makes her husband miss her.
If your partner already broke up with you because he said you had just become so stressed out lately and both of you were always fighting then it’s pretty obvious that you shouldn’t fight your way to getting him back.
That will just confirm that he made the right decision of breaking up with you because you kept fighting with him, even at the end.
Relax and then focus on getting balance during on active no contact.
That way both of you can get breather.
Solution Four: Social & Societal Differences
The key to handling this heavily revolves around adjusting and compromising. Most of the commenters that I encounter who have social and societal differences are based out of India and their parents forbid them from marrying a foreign partner.
So, I did some research.
There’s actually a law:
The Special Marriage Act: By law a foreigner is allowed to marry an Indian.
So, the problem is actually just traditional. Sometimes it’s because the parents are afraid that you might not respect what they believe or that you will drift apart from them.
If both your boyfriend and you are young, then all you can do honestly is to be patient.
Situation Five: An Accumulation Of Disagreements
The name of the game here is to do an “active no contact.”
Reset the way he thinks about you and definitely don’t get into a fight with him again.
You have to establish that you’re not contributing to the habit of constant fighting. So, that means you have to remain calm when you eventually do talk to him again no matter what.
Situation Six: The Relationship Is Moving Too Quickly
Would you like to know what kills attraction?
Being afraid of losing the person you want. When you are afraid you become more demanding. And when you’re rushing things it’s often because you are concerned the attraction might die down. In all, you find yourself trapped in this never ending circle where you are aren’t giving him any space.
So, here’s my advice to you.
Don’t rush things.
Why do you think art can’t be rushed?
It’s because, art is from the heart.
When you’re rushing is, it’s not authentic.
Just like what you feel you’re trying to do more for the relationship when you’re just starting it.
It won’t be as authentic as it can be when you’re taking your time and letting things unfold naturally.
So, relax.
Let him be the one to wonder what you might be busy with today.
Solution Seven: Cheating
To be honest… we have written a lot of articles about cheating,
So, I’m going to get straight to the point here.
A lot of perseverance and patience is going to be needed because if you are going to have any chance of getting him back you need for him heal first and to get his trust back.
Oh, and it’s important to keep in mind that begging is not option.
That means, don’t send multiple apologies. Apologize sincerely one time but don’t keep saying sorry and saying how you regret what happened or how you’ll never do it again.
Just start to be a better person.
Change the image he has in his mind of you by starting to change yourself and your life and of course avoiding any jealousy moves.
And then you have to let him have space to heal of course. He won’t listen to you if he’s still angry and hurt. You have to let time pass for him to be able to forgive you.
Solution Eight: Losing Your Own Individuality
Here’s The Short Answer: Be “The Ungettable Girl“
As I’ve said above, being afraid to lose the person you love kills attraction. And attraction is essential for a long term relationship and for both of you not to get bored in that relationship.
A lot of times when I read the comments I see women who want their exes to stay so bad because they love him so much. In their minds he’s the best thing that ever happened to them but when you reach that point it’s not love anymore.
It’s a need.
Don’t forget there are two people in this relationship, you and him. If he’s so great, be great too. Give equal value.
Let’s say he stops doing all the things you loved about him and just wanted to be with you at home and watch TV all day long. Would that be exciting over a long period of time?
Nope.
Yeah, it’s cute for a day or two but your whole life is not a vacation.
Situation Nine: GIGS
It hurts when the reason he broke up with you was because he thinks he can find someone better.
It’s important to keep in mind that it’s not all of your fault when it’s not.
Most of the time this happens when the relationship hits a rough patch and then he leans on somebody else.
If that’s the case, you have to stop the cycle of fighting first by doing an active no contact rule.
If he’s already moved on to the other girl or broke up with you to be with you then work on being a better version of yourself that you were during the relationship while you are in the middle of no contact..
Take note, better than who YOU were in the relationship. Not just better than other girl because you can’t control the other girl.
Situation Ten: Distance
So, if you haven’t read Chris’ article on Long Distance Relationships I recommend that you take some time and do just that.
If you did then you would know that,
- Money
- Time
- And a plan to be together someday
Is the key to making a long distance relationship work.
You should aim to at least see each other once a month and if you can’t do that you have to have a plan on when you would be together someday so, you have something to hold on to.
Because you have to keep in mind that whatever you are going through together now, it’s just temporary.
As I’ve promised I’ll share a story with you of a boyfriend-girlfriend couple who went into two years of a long distance relationship together.
It’s actually my cousin and his now wife.
My cousin went to the United States to work as a nurse but he’s actually a US citizen because he was born there but he grew up in the Philippines and his girlfriend (now wife) is also a Filipina. So, his girlfriend was left here while he traveled there. The deal was that he would get her after he has saved up enough for her ticket fare and also if she gets approved for a petition when they get engaged.
Since it’s not cheap to travel from the United States to the Philippines, he could only fly back either once or twice a year. Their solution was to communicate a lot on Skype when they couldn’t see each other in person. Though now that I think about it what made it work was that they still had their own lives throughout the day and they had a lot to share with each other once they Skyped.
My cousin still sent gifts for every occasion, they also tried to do things on Skype that they would normally do in person like watching a movie together, eating together, etc.
So, aside from having money, time and a plan, it’s important that you have something exciting to share with him.
Jan
December 17, 2021 at 10:56 pm
I think all of the reasons above were my ex’s reasons for leaving me. Does it mean he’s never coming back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2021 at 11:57 pm
Hey Jan, I would say that it is worth giving the program a go and working on yourself to become Ungettable before reaching out to your ex.
Jjt
December 8, 2021 at 10:51 am
Hi. We’ve been together for 4 yrs, 2 yrs ldr and 2 yrs we were together in the same city. I was so shocked that suddenly broke up with me when things were going so smoothly between us(but not really since he had so many issues going on with me that he never talked about with me), his resentments got piled up that we broke up for 5 times already. All of the listed reasons above are his issues towards me. I know it’s impossible to get him back at this state but will it ever be possible?(sorry i sound so desperate). I GOT TOO complacent with our relationship and i was too oblivious to think of those things bcause he was my first boyfriend.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 27, 2021 at 11:44 am
Hey Jjt, it would be possible but it sounds as if you and he need this time apart. I would suggest 45 days NC and work on yourself in that time.
T
September 26, 2021 at 7:08 pm
Hi Chris,
I feel most of these options are what lead to our breakup. I had been with my ex for nearly 3 years, we are both 25 we both share the same birthday and born in the same hospital, left the city where we were born and came back years later and met (we always felt it was fate). We had really good chemistry, we have so much in common and always had fun when we were together and felt a strong connection. Never argued either, The third year of our relationship was long distance as I finished uni and Covid hit so it was impossible to find rented accommodation. I went to see him every month (I live in Scotland and he lives in England) we planned on living together and everything was still going well. He came to see me in Scotland a month before we broke up everything seemed fine he was even more affectionate than ever and told me I was everything he wanted and talked about the things we would do when we finally lived together. He then started his new job at a law firm and he said he had panic attacks and got into such a state the first week and couldn’t control his emotions he said he hated and didn’t know what to do (his parents pushed him to do law). Leading up to starting his new job he was viewing properties he chose and agreed to live but suddenly changed his mind when he started his new job. I said I would put it on hold and even move down to where he lives and have my own place. I asked if I contributed to his stress as I felt so guilty but he said i had nothing to do with it. Then a week later he said he couldn’t do this anymore over text I had to phone him to speak, he then said he didn’t feel the same and felt that way for a month, I deserved better and didn’t want me to move to England just for him I asked why and he wouldn’t say. I even said I would get my own place and he said he doesn’t know he needs to think about the situation but wouldn’t say what that situation was… Since then he hasn’t spoken to me until a month later when I asked to meet up and he said he didn’t want to live with me as he wasn’t ready and didn’t have the courage to tell me and left it at that. I asked if we could talk and sort things out and he’s just left me on read and I don’t know what to do and if this means he’s done as it’s almost 3 months since we broke up.
I hope you can help I also hope this wasn’t to long winded to read
T x
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 16, 2022 at 9:39 pm
Hi T, it does sound as if he got a little scared and worried about his future and questioned what he wanted, this happens often when we have to “grow up” and he had decided he wasn’t ready for this. I would suggest that you start reaching out for general conversation if you want to try to get your ex back. Start with watching the texting videos and reading the articles on how to reach out to your ex.
Victoria
May 24, 2021 at 5:28 pm
Hi Amor,
Thank you for writing this very helpful and insightful article! I have a question re: the section on psychological mismatch/one partner not feeling “good enough” for the other. You explained the solution for if the woman is the person in the relationship who felt this way and how to overcome it – but you said if a man expresses this insecurity, that means he’s just using this reason as an excuse for the “real” reason (whatever that is). Why is there necessarily a difference between a woman and a man feeling that way? Do you really think it’s never genuine if the man said that?
Thanks for your input!
Terri
November 9, 2020 at 8:23 pm
Me and my bf only been together a short time but we have so much interests that we are basically the same person. He said that he considers my child as his but he broke up with me bc he needed to focus on himself and his schooling and his goals. He made it clear that I did everything right should I do no contact even if we left the relationship in good terms?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 10, 2020 at 10:46 pm
Hi Terri, yes still go into a no contact and spend that time working on yourself before planning your first reach out text from Chris’ articles
Jess
January 17, 2020 at 3:59 am
Hi… so my ex broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. We had been dating for 3.5 years including doing long distance for the past 8 months. We would see each other every 4-5 weeks alternating who would visit. Towards the end I could feel we were being disconnected from each other, our texts were so dry and we weren’t excited to see each other anymore. A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was going to move to where it was, and he started having doubts about us and ultimately said he didn’t want me to move there because he wasn’t ready to settle down with me and that he has lots to “experience” on his own and feels we aren’t good together anymore. I told him we had grown apart but that was only because of the distance, and he said that might be true and we could go back to what we had but that’s not what he wants right now. He said he loved me but wasn’t the guy that I needed and deserved and knows this is the right decision because he wants me to be happy and loved. He said at the start he did want me to move down, but as the months went on he learnt to live without me and created a life he liked (i.e partying every weekend) and didn’t know where I would fit in. I asked if it weren’t for the distance, would we still be together? and he said yes …which makes it even more confusing. We haven’t talked since the breakup and I have respected his decision and did not beg him to stay. I still plan on moving there but it won’t be for him, it’ll be for me and he knows I’m still moving. I guess a part of me is hoping that we might get back together once I move there. What is the actual reason for the breakup? There seems to be a lot going on, could it just be that it has lost feelings for me.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2020 at 10:56 pm
Hey Jess, so if the plan was to move there and you are still planning on going there then keep to that plan but do not reach out to you ex for a while when you do move as it is going to appear that you did it for him, just check into a few local places that you know he would be aware is near him. By what he has said the issue is the fact that you have had to deal with the LDR and he maybe does not deal well with that space and he feels its easier to end things. But only he knows the true reason for the break up. In the mean time you need to work on yourself using this article could be useful for you to get the idea of what it is you need to do. https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-ungettable-girl/
Hayden
July 15, 2019 at 7:54 pm
Hi, my ex boyfriend and I broke up without him officially breaking up with me he would never say I don’t want to be with you. He told me excuses like his parents didn’t like me, his friends didn’t like me, and that someone told him I cheated (I never did) it’s been 6 days since the unofficial breakup happened I texted him last night just to clarify and to come from me I didn’t cheat and he was rude and just acted like he didn’t care. I haven’t text him since then and I don’t plan to. He started telling people I cheated on him before I confronted him about it and then said I was crazy, childish, and controlling – I never was I always let him do as he pleased. Seven days ago we were fine he got mad at me because I went out with friends and there were guys there but later that night we called and he said he wasn’t upset and he loved me but that he asked all his friends what to do and they all said break up with me. He told me on the phone he wasn’t going to but then the next morning he was real distant and wouldn’t hardly speak to me and when he did he was extremely rude. His friends have texted me and said they’re positive he loves me and cares about me he’s just putting up an act. We were happy together always was together and had good times hardly ever a dull moment. For the past two days he’s been hanging out with this girl I know of her and I know she is bad news all around. I’m not sure as to what to do any advice?
Kirby
June 5, 2019 at 3:03 am
I want to explain my situation. I have found bits and pieces in the readings but not my actual situation. I am unsure of even how to accurately take the quiz, if there is even a chance he will take me back or if I should wait 30 or 45 days to end the NC rule.
I have requested to be a part of the Facebook support group however I deactivated my account. He has deactivated his and social media as a whole package to my anxiety. He changed his profile picture the evening we broke up for everyone to see before he deactivated it.
Chris Seiter
June 5, 2019 at 9:57 pm
Perhaps you might benefit from our 1 x 1 personalized coaching services.
Sally
June 2, 2019 at 8:11 pm
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me 5 days ago. We have lived together for about a year and I have moved from his place back into my mums. We have had a very deep connection throughout our relationship but we did argue over small things on a regular basis. We have had a handful of big fights but mostly small petty arguments/disagreements that are easily resolved. He had been fairly distant with me for a few weeks before we broke up and he had said two days prior that he didn’t know what he wanted. We went out for food and when I pressed he said he didn’t want to be together. We drove back to our flat and I spent the rest of the night crying and pleading for him to change his mind we both cried a lot and he ended up going to his mums. the next day I packed my things and asked him to take me to my mums. He said he would but needed to sleep first and then asked if I wanted to talk, we ended up sorting things out and getting back together but two days later he broke things off again after a very very small disagreement, we had had a really good two days and he was very loving towards me as always. When he initially broke up
With me he said that he didn’t love me the same and felt that our relationship wasn’t working because of the arguments, when we discussed the next day he said he did love me and that he was confused about his feelings. When he broke things off 2 days later he said that he couldn’t see the relationship working, that i could find someone else better and that we would probably brake up anyway. After the 2nd breakup i stayed the night with the intention of sleeping on the couch because it was late and I had work the next day. He ended up coming into the room I was in and asking if I wanted to sleep in the bed, I did but he tried to cuddle me a few times and again asked me if I wanted to talk but still wanted the break up to happen. I am now back at my mums and have been so for 4 days and immediately started no contact. He sent me a text a day and a half later saying that I still had some stuff at the flat and if I wanted him to drop the off. I was very Kool and had a bit of small talk and agreed for him to drop my things at my work the following week, he then sent his next message with a kiss on the end, which he rarely does, I didn’t rely to this. Today is 5 days in and I have received another text from him asking if I’m okay. I have left it a few hours before replying but have again kept my response very casual. I really want to make our relationship work but I realise that space is a good thing for now although it breaks my heart. I feel as though I am getting mixed messages from him and I am really confused. I don’t want to hold out in the hope of getting back together but I feel as though he may regret his decision. Any thoughts?
Manon
May 12, 2019 at 8:32 am
Hi Chris,
My ex-boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months, but texting every single day for 7 months now. Breakup just occurred. It unexpected. He told me I was a great, awesome girl, that we matched at many levels (strong intimacy, highly attracted to me, very good sex, good feelings etc) but that there was no ‘spark. That is the only reason he gave me for the breakup. He doesn’t see me as long-term material, even if he said that he was upset to breakup, and that he was attached to me.
I know he was stressed these last weeks, asking so many questions, about his carrer. He is 23 and miss university time, going out with his friends, he get bothered by his routine.
Weird thing, the morning before the breakup he did a STD screening in order to having safe sex together. I thought it was a step moving forward and entering in a long-term
I deal with a lot of personal issues that makes me nervous and insecure. Moreover, I met him right after a 2y-toxic relationship. Then, I was not totally myself with him. I tried to explain him this to let me a second chance, but he says his decision has been made. We are going to see us in a week or two to talk.
How can I proceed to make him change his mind and let our couple a chance ?
Thanks a lot, sincerely
Onyeka ethel
April 22, 2019 at 5:21 pm
Am having an issue with my boyfriend going two weeks now , just because I told him I was going to help a friend at the hospital he told me to leave his house so after I left , he didn’t call me for 4 days and so I decided to chat him up on WhatsApp telling asking him what the problem was and also apologising to him if by any way i offended him but he didn’t reply my message and so the next day I called him in phone asking him why he hasn’t replied my chats he went on insulting me and calling me names and so he dropped the call . I called him later in the day he refused picking my calls and sent me a message that “if I should ever call him again his going to block my line ” I was angry and then I chatted him up again on WhatsApp asking him what the problem is and that if his no longer interested in the relationship he should let me know , he then replied and said “yes his no longer interested”. So ever since that happened I stopped calling him on phone . But the amazing part is that he kept on viewing my status on WhatsApp he keeps looking at my pictures. So I really what to know if his still interested in the relationship and y his doing all this .
Chris Seiter
April 22, 2019 at 8:25 pm
It does sound positive if he is checking up on you on WhatsApp…the pics. Best to have an ex recovery plan. Take a look at my Program and all the resources that come with it!
Babs Smith
April 3, 2019 at 6:09 pm
Wow! This has been very helpful. My ex and I met online 6 years ago. I was going through a separation and he was finalizing his divorce. We fell in love. I was in Canada, he in the southern US. I came down to meet in person. It was amazing but right at the end of my 10 day visit he found out that his ex had tested positive for drug use when she gave birth to her recent newborn (not his) and his child had been seized from her. The child had been placed with his ex’s mother. His demeanor changed immediately (understandably). After I left he broke up with me over the phone because he said he felt he needed to focus on real life (it would be some time before I could legally reside in the US). Later he stated that he couldn’t face taking me away from my children (who were almost adults) as his child (6 years old) had been taken from him. He didn’t get custody of his child and continued to get badly treated by his ex and her family but maintained his visitation rights. He and I became friends. Best friends. I was always honest about my feelings for him. I continued working on my paperwork to move to the US. I had fallen in love with the country and wanted to fulfill a childhood dream of relocating. It took 3 years for that to happen. Over that time he had multiple relationships usually with unavailable women (married or very distant). Then he got married on a whim. She never moved down to be with him. The marriage lasted 6 months. When it ended I was at the realization that although I would always love him as a person I wasn’t in love with him anymore and would likely not have a close relationship once I relocated. It just wouldn’t be fair to either of us or any new woman he was involved with. Thunderbolt! He realized he still loved me and wanted me to consider being with him when I finally got down here. I took some time to consider it. Talked to a couple of trusted advisors and realized I wanted to give our relationship a chance in person. I agreed and started falling in love with my best friend again. But once I arrived here his demeanor changed again. He asked me to be patient and let him get used to living with someone again as he had been a bachelor for 4 years. Even when he had been originally married she would often leave him for a few weeks so having someone stable and constant was a new experience. As I had decided to commit and saw his fear I wanted to give him the love and patience to be able to fully commit to our life. So many stressors happened all at once. His job became unbearable; his ex dropped off the planet in a drunken, drug induced stupor (we only found that out after her parents tried to seize custody of his child), we had to fight said ex in-laws in court. Got custody of his child who was now very broken, scared and confused. Worked on healing her. Settled debts, bought a new house (his first). Now we’re 2 years in. I’m exhausted but still committed. His buddy had gotten divorced and was coming over 3 and 4 nights a week. He hadn’t had what he considered a good friend all his life so really valued this relationship. 10 more months go by and I will admit I got complacent. I was tired of being the last consideration and we weren’t communicating about us at all. Just on day to day things and of course always about his child. I got depressed and went down to working part time. Gained weight and wasn’t loving myself. His ex was in rehab. Three months ago she was on her way to getting out and was granted family days. As she didn’t have much money she started coming to our house to spend time with their child on those days. I had always had a good relationship with his child. She wanted her parents back together of course as any kid does but she loved me too. Then his ex’s plans to rekindle with her son’s father derailed. Suddenly she started getting along with my ex. They were talking like adults. 2 weeks later on Valentine’s Day he realizes he loves me but isn’t in love with me. Gets very distant and while I can see it coming takes a month to tell me and ends our relationship. But he still wants to be friends. Although he understands if I don’t. As soon as he ends it we start talking again like we used to before I became his girlfriend again. Laughing and having deep conversations. Because we had bought the house and the weather had affected his work, we didn’t have savings set aside that I could use to move out. He recognized that I was owed time to get my finances set as I had used my savings to keep us afloat. Now I am living with him until that happens. I can’t do the no contact thing. But he is aware that once I do move then I will be cutting off all contact most likely for good as I don’t plan on being the ghost of girlfriends past again. His family loves me so I will be losing those contacts too for the same reason. I have been quickly working through my devastation and have focused on me, my health, my future and reconnecting with me. But we still see each other every night when he comes home and I am still caring for his child after school ( she doesn’t know and I don’t want her to until closer to when I will be moving). It is an extremely awkward situation. We agreed to stay friendly while I am here so make things easier to deal with and agreed to not date anyone as that would be ridiculously awkward although he is back to his dating sites (he outed himself in our bank account). So… Any advice? Lol. It’s a big old mess but the good that has come out of it is I have realized a couple of very deep wounds that have hindered my entire adult life and am working through them as I work through my grief and betrayal over the end of this chapter of my life. I would be interested in your thoughts.
B
December 16, 2018 at 9:29 am
I was with this guy for a year. It was semi long distant but we always saw each other most weekends. Then last week we had an arguement, he didnt speak to me for days and said he wants to be alone and that maybe we should take a break becauss he didnt know if he wanted a relationship anymore I thought we resolved the issue a few days later as we were planning to see eachother the next weekend when randomly that same day i got the ‘we need to talk text’ and he ended it. Saying he wants his alone time and doesnt know if he loves me anymore. He came to get his things and i could see he was really upset he had ended it but he wouldnt tell me why apart from he wants to be alone. Before all this we were great, looking at holidays together and even a house (literally the week before) and now im left so confused and hurt. He was never the best communicater which he said he’d work on but now im left in shocked even more so because he said he’d probably regret ending it with me. I havent texted him since the break up and i dont think he’ll text me. I love him and didnt think a silly arguement could lead to this
Chris Seiter
December 16, 2018 at 4:20 pm
Hi B!
Some guys like their alone time, until they realize being alone is not the way to go. Best to have an ex recovery plan to guide you through this process.
Emily
November 29, 2018 at 5:47 am
My ex and I broke up 3 months ago because he started a very stressful job, and it got too overwhelming and he said he was in a very dark place so he couldn’t give me a healthy relationship. He was very stressed, and worked till the morning everyday, and he was feeling emotionally unstable. We remained in contact and friends for a month after, he still has my stuff as well (he said he would keep it for now) . Then one night, he told me his grandma passed away and he couldn’t think of feelings right now and needed to be alone. So I didn’t contact him for a month, and he still watched my insta stories but changed his username. Then I reached out, he didnt answer, then 3 weeks later I texted him happy thanksgiving, and again no answer. Do you think he’s forgotten about me and just never wants to speak to me again? Or is there still a chance he’ll reach out one day? Like is this an understandable reaction seeing as he is going through a lot right now?
Chris Seiter
November 30, 2018 at 3:04 am
Hi Emily….so i see he has a lot on his mind. I know you do too. Perhaps extend you NC period, but make sure its mostly about your own healing and self growth.
Chris Seiter
November 30, 2018 at 3:04 am
Hi Emily….so i see he has a lot on his mind. I know you do too. Perhaps extend you NC period, but make sure its mostly about your own healing and self growth.
Tiffany
May 12, 2018 at 11:19 pm
Hello,
My bf broke up with me 1.5 years into the relationship. We had a “breakup” about a year into the relationship but after 2 days I managed to get him to give it another shot. We spent the next semester together and it seemed as if everything was okay until he blindsided me and broke up with me after our last final exam. He said it’s not working out and he doesn’t see us in the long run together. He said he doesn’t love me romantically anymore. He also said that he wants to focus on himself and focus on his career and making money. I tried to plead with him but it didn’t work. He said we could be friends once fall semester starts after I take 3 months to recover but he’ll cut me off if he senses I still have feelings for him. He left my place that night and the next morning came to return my stuff. During that conversation, he gave me his word that he won’t date anyone until much later in life bc he wants to focus on himself. I asked if we would ever date again and he said no in the near future but he’s not gonna close the door completely. I don’t know what to do. He’s very emotionally cut off and doesn’t let his emotions affect him often. I saw him cry for the first time when we had a final hug goodbye. I’m afraid he’s just going to forget about me or block out all his emotions for me. I want him back so badly.
Chris Seiter
May 13, 2018 at 12:14 am
Hi Tiffany. I think he is confused about what he really wants. Sometimes people have to try own some experiences to figure out things. Some of the things he says sounds rather crude or immature. Giving him space might just be his best cure. So going forward here is what I think you should do! First, take a look at a more comprehensive resource I created called, Ex Recovery Pro. It can be found on my website’s Menu Section under “Products”. It’s full of ideas. Secondly, don’t let this get you down too much. It’s normal to feel bad or worried, but know that the way forward is by having an Action plan and focusing on your own self recovery first! Tiffany…you are going to get through all of this, not matter what happens. Remember that. You are a strong woman….stronger than you even realize.
Francess
September 11, 2017 at 1:59 pm
Hi Amor,
My ex has been ghosting on me when he knew that i had a career opportunity to Dubai for a year. After 3wks of ghosting,he broke up with. Its been more than 2weeks, im just starting the Nc since im too much afraid that my flight date would be very soon so i tried talking with him first. He reasoned on our breakup that He doesnt love me like before. Im pretty much self convinced that this is about me going away, about me earning more money than him (due to country currency differential), and ive been too clingy and nagging the last weeks. Hes been too busy at work also that made me more requesting of his time. He got really frustrated that time when his boss didnt allowed him to take an off at work for us to have time together. Hes been drinking a lot after he broke up with me. Im not really convinced that he doesnt really love me anymore. He went to see me last saturday after his work and said he misses me but doesnt want to be back.. Hes really a confused person now..
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2017 at 1:19 pm
Hi frances,
Check this one:
The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship
Samantha Randolph
September 1, 2017 at 9:57 pm
Hi,
So my boyfriend and I of almost 2 years have broken up about a week ago. To give you a bit of context, we have been through a lot. i watched him graduate with a bachelors,he shattered both his heels last august and couldnt walk and i helped him get back to walking, everyday i would come home and take care of him after work. then after all that i lost my job and he had not gone back to working. then he got arrested and i bailed him out (small amount of marijuana which he gets medically now from injuries). We would both get so upset and stressed over money and cry together, but we pushed through and made it through together. Now after all that months later he gets back to his job and is now feeling stuck and depressed with where he is at and he confides to me about it. he wants more and i tell him he deserves more so he hunts and finally finds something better.
His parents were never the type to be supportive they barely even helped me when he was going through everything i had talked about previous. there also the type to go for the jugular when given the chance. He used to lash out at me sometimes like they would until i expressed that i don’t deserve that and im his girlfriend not his family (he might be used to it with them but not me). He immediately changed that behavior, also had become more open minded while dating me.
We are always so sweet to each other aside from the occasional disagreements and arguments but we always talked through it and ended with an i love you.
When we started dating i wasn’t really into it, he is 4 years older and i was young and having fun but he was very persistent and convinced me to go out again and again. after going out many times i realized how much i enjoyed being with him. he took me to a zombie run and other places he loved. i was introduced to his family and from there we started spending all our time together. i would sleep over and he would sleep over my house it was absolutely blissful. he would do anything for me he cooked me dinner and then did the dishes right after whether it be my house or his. he always worried about me and made sure i took care of important things like school or would send me jobs he thought i might like and vise versa. he would even come to therapy with me.
We started getting into fights about like him leaving me or wanting to do other things and i would feel like he immediately didnt love me or didnt want to hang out with me so we would become very snippy at each other. we did spend a lot of time together, i would always sleep over.
Everything happened recently, we went out on the boat with my family. we were drinking and i had eaten a half a sandwich so i was getting pretty drunk and i was snappy cuz i was hungry.
on our way back it was beautiful we were taking cute pics and cuddling together for warmth. we finally reach my house and he had previously told me he was going to hang out with a friend tonight and i had asked him all day what he wanted to do after, ignoring the fact that he still had plans. we get to my house and hes ready to leave. im assuming ill just meet him at his house after i shower and were gunna do something. everytime i asked if he would stay with me tonight he said “well see”, so i took it as a yes. he left and called me after i got out the shower and said he was still going out. i was furious, i was still drunk and i didnt want to be alone. i was also jealous he was going out and i was staaying home alone (drunk me). I freaked out and got upset with him and we argued over the phone and he tried to calm me down but i was drunk and wasnt having it. i told him i was coming over anyway but he said he had already left to his friends house once i got there. i kept arguing and being ridiculous and then i said whatever im going out anyway and went to the bar i knew he was gunna be at. i was sitting next to a group of guys and some girl i never met and as soon as he walked in he saw me. he came over a few min later and asked why i was there, i was nasty saying “i thought you didnt care ” he walked away only to come back again and get kicked out the bar for getting frustrated with me after he sugggested i leave since i was so drunk. i drove back to his house and found him asleep in the car and i woke him up to bring him upstairs but as soon as i got him in his room he screamed at me to “get the fuck out”. he held on to my arm and led me out the house and slammed the door. after that he texted me saying he was done and all that. i called him non stop but he didnt want to talk. after a few days i reached out and he and i were crying on the phone and he said he forgave me the min it happened but he couldnt allow it to happen again and that we couldnt go back. it was my birthday the next day and he said happy birthday and that he loved me and a long paragraph. i went out with friends which he had seen on my snap chat and the next day texted me “i hope you enjoyed every second of your day”. i gave a short reply since i knew he still needed time and i didnt wanna rush back into talking. then a few days later i get a call from my friend jackie that he contacted her sister to get jackie to text him. she did thinking something was wrong . she sent me all the texts and he basically told her we broke up (which she already knew) and “its for the best right now i think”. He then asked her to go out for a drink… and that it wasnt to get back at me( since he swore he saw a guy put his arm around me at the bar). he then said that he didnt wanna put her in a weird spot and then asked to keep it between them. but of course she said absolutely not. after i found this out i called him like an idiot knowing he did it purposely to spite me. he didnt answer but the next morning non stop apologizing and saying sorry and that he ruined everything and he wished he could go back and called me all while at work. i didnt answer until he was almost out of work and suggest we talk in person.
he came over and i got in the car, he started off by apologizing for what he did and that he was drunk and knew it wasnt an excuse but he was so sorry and did not want to hurt me. he knew one of them was going to tell me and he regretted it. i then apologized for the incident at the bar and he did as well saying there were things he could have done as well that could have prevented it from escalating. as we continued to talk he said he still stands by his decision that we shouldn’t be together right now, he wanted to work on himself and that there are things he still needs to do, as much as he missed me and wants to be with me, he liked being alone. i was composed in the beginning trying not to cry but it all felt like there was nothing i could do. he said i deserve 100% from him and he cant give me that right now. i was sobbing and so was he. telling me he feels like shit and that he will always love me and asked if i was excited to start school and all these things, i could see and he said he was fighting to just forget it and get back with me but he couldnt i guess. i regretted saying that if this is us breaking up then thats it that i couldnt do it again. we exchanged some of our things back and held each other and cried, then he waited until i got in the house and then left. i havent spoken to him but its only been 2 days. i cant stop thinking about him and i love him so much. is it really over, he still looks at all my pics and stuff. i just want him back i love him and we had so much.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2017 at 7:27 pm
HI Samantha,
are you in the no contact rule now?
Kiran
June 11, 2017 at 10:13 am
Hey Amor,
Me and my boyfriend of 5 and half months broke up with me last week saying he doesnt want to be in any relationship.I decided to do no contact on him but I failed and called him on the 2nd day of No contact.I asked him to take a month break and then decide things.And he agreed being cold but 1 day later he called me saying to hang out and we had a pretty good time together and we made out as well(not sex).He told me not to call and stick to the idea of a month break and again I did no contact and again on 2nd day I called him,he became friendly with me and we talked nicely on the phone but at the evening,he asked me not to message and call and ask me to wait until 1 month..though I am somewhat positive because he isnt that mad at me but he need his time.I am afraid if he will only want me to be friends with him and not get romantically attatched to me.I also have to study and I am not focusing on it.And I always mess up the no contact rule on 2-3rd day.what should I do? do I have a chance?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 14, 2017 at 9:59 am
Hi Kiran
check this one:
Stage 5 Clinger – Getting A Boyfriend Back If You Were Too Clingy
Jenny
March 11, 2017 at 10:56 pm
Hi Amor, could get some advice.
I met this guy 2 years ago and we hit it off hard but he was not completely separated yet. After a few weeks, he sent me a email to say something didn’t feel right and he would disapear for good. First, I emailed him back with compassion and understanding and getting no reply, I sent him and angry note (of course, he didn’t reply). A few weeks later, I apologized to him for my reaction and we remained in a semi friendly/flirty contact for a year. After a few months of no interactions over the following summer, I wrote back to him and he came on to me. At that time, I told him I would rather stay just friends as he was not seperated. And he didn’t take well. He said he would disapear for good and blocked me from Facebook out of the blue and never replied to the emails I sent afterward. One year after (last november), he came back to me saying he had been thinking about me a lot and now, had feelings for me and he was really moving out of his ex house. We hit it big time again, more than the first time. He kept telling me how he wanted me for a long time. We dated prior to Christmas and things were good. He was always in contact. Then, around the time he was packing his things, he started to withdraw a bit but I gave him all the space that he needed. So he moved out and the same week, he asked me to visit him. We spent the evening together. The next day, he texted me it would take him some time to get used to me. The following day, he texted me he needed time alone. The third day, he texted me that he wanted to be alone for a long time but stay in contact as a distant friend. At that point, I was understanding and I sincerely offered him my support as I understand this whole moving thing could be overwhelming for him but I asked him if we could talk in person. He refused and said he was not ready. A few days later, I found him on a dating site. I told him that I was hurt because he told me he needed to be alone. I would have felt more respected if he had told me he wanted to see elsewhere. He did not reply until 3 weeks later. One morning, I wrote to him to say that his silence was difficult to manage for me as I didn’t get a so to speak “clean” break up in person. Finally, he replied that if he wanted to go on a dating site that he would go, that he didn’t like that I was trying to control him (never understood that one), and that he just didn’t feel it with me. He said there was no turning back, no possible friendship and wished me luck finding my man. I couldn’t help replying that I had no intention of controlling him whatsoever, that I was just reacting from the situation that was unclear. But overall, I told him that there was no turning back for me, no friendship possible either and that I hope I will never see him again. Since then, I’ve applied active NC but my feeling is that there is no turning back. Does it fall in the general breakup category? Is there anyway to fix things up ever? Frankly, I would like to work things out with him. I’ve been in love with him for 2 years but it’s difficult to handle a behavior like that. Don’t know if he is again saying it is over and will come back.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 14, 2017 at 6:12 pm
Hi Jenny,
more like a break up from a grass os greener reason… I think you need to do at least 30 days.. be very active in improving yourself during and after nc and take it slow.. If he say he wants you back, let him prove you can trust him this time.. Dont just leap blindly in a relationship again..
Grace
March 4, 2017 at 6:42 pm
Also he has been planning on moving 2 hours away for work for a while now, I know distance was a thing for him before and while we were planning on seeing each other (he even talked about it up until and during that week). I find that its too coincidental that this happened 3 days before he moved though.
Grace
March 5, 2017 at 10:53 pm
Unfortunately I removed him on all social media, I was too hurt because he had reassured me he wanted to stay together before he decided it was best we didn’t, when I brought up if he could see us moving in/getting married. We have mutual friends so he can see some things, I know he liked a picture of me out at the bar that my friend tagged me in.
Also I’m not sure why my post split like this.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 8, 2017 at 8:43 am
that’s ok, just make your posts public..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 5, 2017 at 7:59 pm
Hi Grace,
Don’t go. Do other things. It’s a general break up. Be more active in other things and in posting in social media. Improve yourself. I think you should do 30 days. So, if you haven’t started improving yourself. Start now. If you need to extend to 45, that’s ok.