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201 thoughts on “The Most Common Reasons For Why He Broke Up With You (And What To Do Next)”

  1. Avatar

    Anita

    August 2, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    Hi, I really need some help here, Im living with my boyfriend for only 7 months, our relationship was always in and out kind, we´re having lot´s of arguing and since 3 weeks ago we almost don´t talk to eachother, it´s like living with a stranger. 2 days ago I ask what he wanted to do, if he still can see us working things out , if he stills want to be with me, he said he was not sure if we should try again and that he´s not sure if he stills feels the same. My quaestion is, I dont see myself living with him under these circuntances so I made it clear that if he´s so not sure he should leave and take his time so I could also move on with my life. because right now it seems so confortable for him this situation, I still cook , clean and he started going out with friends without giving me any explanation. What should I now, did I do the right thing asking him to move from my house??

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 3, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      HI Anita,

      yes, the question is, when will he move out? and stop cooking for him now.. don’t cater to him, so he won’t feel too comfortable there..

  2. Avatar

    Olivia Laplanche

    August 2, 2016 at 3:24 am

    So I met this guy and fastforward 2 months down the track and he asks me to be his girlfriend. Yesterday I brought up that something wasn’t right and he told me he didn’t feel a spark but that he thought I was a great girl and deserved better. What is this “spark”?
    We have a lot of fun together and get along amazingly and there is also intense chemistry (we weren’t missing that) so it took me by surprise when he said this because to me we had everything that could potentially be long term. Yes I suppose we never had the honey moon period and we straight to the comfortable, but is that a bad thing? What was missing, I suppose when he said spark he meant that giggly, butterflies in tummy, nervous feeling of lust but is it really a bad thing that was missing. When he asked me to be his girlfriend he listed all the things he loved about me and his friends all told me different things to, that he was crazy about me and so did he (we weren’t great at talking about feelings)! The way I see it is, that a spark burns bright and fades fast (something Taylor swift writes about) and from experience I have absolutely felt that as I am a hopeless romantic and I have always wanted a guy from a movie and to have that fairytale ending. Even I will admit that there wasn’t really as such a spark but he was crazy about me (so I thought). This is spark to me is made up (and sometimes maybe not) but do you really want a spark for your future or do you want, comfortable, compatibility, trust, familiarity, friendship, great sex (that wasn’t missing). It’s safe to say there were a few tears shed on both parts. My question is do you think he will realise he has made a mistake once he sees that yes he may get that initial spark (that we had at the start, otherwise he wouldn’t of kept it going) with another girl but when he realises he doesn’t have all those other things that make up a great long term partner, will he come back?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 3, 2016 at 2:13 pm

      Hi Olivia,

      maybe it went too fast.. too much was given too soon until there was nothing left to discover with each other anymore.. if that’s the case, although we can’t guarantee that nc will work.. the absence can help him see you in a different light.. especially if you start to do new things.

  3. Avatar

    Shells

    July 28, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    So me and my long distance boyfriend for over a year was on holidays earlier on in the year and he decided to finish things with me while on holiday. I split up with him first sometime before that and after a couple of months of him chasing for us to reunite I decided to give it another shot. We were not back together officially but working to see us get back to normal. And after a couple of months it seemed to be getting back to normal. When we went on holiday things were awkward at times very tense. I had seen on his phone texts from another girl. He insisted that they were nothing but friends and that they has talked that nothing romantic would happen because of me but seeing messages like ‘I am just going for a shower I wish you were with me’ and sending more kisses at ends of texts than to me showed me that they were not just friends.

    Anyways he said that he tried to fall in love with me but just couldn’t and he won’t let his heart get broken twice by me but that long term it was me he seen as his wife. After a messy row for a few days he has ruled out any romantic involvent with me at all in the future because of what friends of mine have sent him on facebook and how I dealt with the row on holidays

    We have my spoken since for two weeks until the other day when he sent me a snap chat saying ‘hope your okay since the dust has settled’ I am just wondering what to dour or how to take that. He was the one who wanted to break contact to heal and to take time apart. does this mean after two weeks he’s is over me? Over the situation? It’s just horrible to think he could move on so quickly.
    I would love any help on this I am really not in a good way
    Thanks

    1. Avatar

      Shells

      August 2, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      Thanks for that Amor. He contacted me last night hoping that one day I can forgive him and apologised that he’s caused so much hurt for me. I didn’t respond and then was wondering why I’m banking him. Then to add he ended up calling me twice last night after he said he deleted my number.I just don’t know own what he wants from me. Should I get back to him or just leave it?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 3, 2016 at 2:48 pm

      leave it for now..

    3. Avatar

      Shells

      July 29, 2016 at 10:38 pm

      How do you think I should go about that? We are not speaking I have deleted him of Facebook. I don’t really know how to do that. Your advice makes sense I know long distance would mean he was likely to find other attractions but he wouldn’t even be honest with me in that. He has ruled out anything in the future so I am just wondering is it worth me trying or remaining hopeful?

      Thank you so much for your guidance

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 31, 2016 at 11:00 am

      well, actually you have to start alone first..so, it’s good that you’re not talking right now because in that way you will change, have your own life and then later on it can be a fresh start as friends

    5. Avatar

      Shells

      July 29, 2016 at 1:48 pm

      I just would like your opinion whether you think I should stay hopeful that he will change his mind and see that we were good or that itshe dead in the water. I don’t think I could be his friend but it kills me knowing that he won’t be my partner or that I wont speak to him potentially ever again. If it took two weeks for him to be fine about what’s happened I really font know what to think Amor. I’m so torn with anger and with questions.

      Any advice tips or perspectives on this I would really love
      Love your work
      Many thanks

    6. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 29, 2016 at 6:44 pm

      well, that’s natural to feel angry.. find an outlet.. sports or recreational activities that expend a lot of energy really help like wall climbing or boxing..

      he probably is like that because he felt attacked when you confronted him about the text and at that time, he already had an attraction for the other girl and you and him were just starting out again. So, at that time the other girl is the better option for him..

      he’s still human, so part of him still misses you and he probably felt guilty from that event so, now he wants to see if he can still be friends with you..

      there’s a chance that you can attract him back.. but I think that means you have to improve yourself and to appear as somebody that he can’t easily have.. somebody that’s attractive, he has fun talking with, and yet, he can’t easily get..

    7. Avatar

      Shells

      July 29, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      I have tried to go out and do all of that bit I’m so angry about the whole situation still. Just seeing how little he cared about the whole thing or the fact that he fell so far out of love with me in the space of a few months. I have no idea how to register the situation or where he was coming from or why he did it. And I think until I solve that I wont be able to move on. As bad as the whole thing is, deep down I would love for him to turn around and regret it because I think it was worth fighting for and he said he tried his hardest but he said he won’t love me the same way ever again because of how much I hurt him when I split up with him. My gut feeling is that it’s an excuse because he could quite possibly have another girl on the scene.

      I would just like some advice or something so that I can feel less hostile towards everything at the moment.
      Thank you

    8. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 29, 2016 at 12:11 pm

      HI Shells,
      I actually answered your first comment.. but this comment cleared my question.. I think he felt guilty and wanted to clear the air.. but you should do no contact.. even if you haven’t talked, have you started improving yourself and going out and meeting new people?

  4. Avatar

    Shells

    July 28, 2016 at 11:21 pm

    So me and my long distance boyfriend for over a year was on holidays earlier on in the year and he decided to finish things with me while on holiday. Initially I split up with him sometime before that and after a couple of months of him chasing for us to reunite I decided to give it another shot. We were not back together officially but working to see us get back to normal. And after a couple of months it seemed to be getting back to normal. When we went on holiday things were awkward at times very tense. I had seen on his phone texts from another girl. He insisted that they were nothing but friends and that they has talked that nothing romantic would happen because of me but seeing messages like ‘I am just going for a shower I wish you were with me’ and sending more kisses at ends of texts than to me showed me that they were not friends. Anyways he said that he tried to fall in love with me but just couldn’t and he won’t let his heart get broken twice by me but that long term it was me he seen as his wife. After a messy row a few days later he has ruled out any romantic involvent with me in the future because of what friends of mine have sent him on facebook and how I dealt with the row

    I haven’t heard from him in two weeks until the other day he snapchats me ‘hope your okay since the dust has settled’. This confused me because he was the one who wanted to stop talking until we both healed and took time apart. Does this mean he is over me? Or moving on? It sounded like such a pity message with not much emotion attached to it. I’m just wondering what I should do from here.
    I’m really hurting
    Many thanks

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 29, 2016 at 12:11 pm

      HI Shells,
      I actually answered your first comment.. but this comment cleared my question.. I think he felt guilty and wanted to clear the air.. but you should do no contact.. even if you haven’t talked, have you started improving yourself and going out and meeting new people?

  5. Avatar

    sabrina

    July 26, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    Hello Amor,

    I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP

    My boyfriend broke up with me last december, I did the no contact rule and then texted him after and things seemed to go pretty well. We were in a long distance relationship, (he lived four hours away). Months went by and we texted a couple times in between (although I was the one always initiating it, he never texted me first), and I was fine w this because I knew I would see him during the summer. This past weekend I texted him that I was in town and he responded that He wanted to go out w friends and do something. So we went with a group of friends to a college bar. This is the first time I have seen him in months, and i have lost twenty pounds, dyed my hair, I have confidence now that I never had before, and I can tell he thought I looked good. He kept walking up to me and talking to me but I didn’t want to seem so clingy so I would talk for a little then walk away. Later on in the night I saw some of his friends, and started talking to them and we ended up talking for a while (i was just being social I was not trying to come off as flirting, but his friends were flirting with me. I thought to myself, okay maybe this isn’t a bad thing cause then he will realize what he is missing out on. When he found out that we were talking, he thought i wanted to take them home or hook up and i was just being nice, i would never do that i knew they were friends. so later that night when i would try to talk to my ex, he completely blew me off. I was so confused cause I didn’t do anything. The next morning I called to see if we can try hanging out again and he ignored me. I called from another number and he picked up. At first he was trying to act like everything was fine, but when I told him to be honest he blew up. He told me he was looking forward to being with me that night until I started talking to his friends. He said his friends told him that I was all over them and wanted something for them which is a complete lie. I tried explaining myself but he wouldn’t listen to my side, he hung up. I texted him to explain myself and he ignored me again. I don’t know what to do, he doesnt believe me or doesnt want to listen or talk to me, but hours before he was all over me.
    Please help…

    Sabrina

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 28, 2016 at 4:31 pm

      hi Sabirina

      well that’s good that you really improved physically.. first mistake was, you texted too soon after that meet up..he was still angry when you contacted him and then it got worse when you tried to explain… give him space and let him cool off for now

  6. Avatar

    Shells

    July 25, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    I am really struggling at the moment and I genuinely don’t know what to do. So  me and my long distance boyfriend for over a year was on holidays earlier on in the year and he decided to finish things with me while on holiday. Initially I split up with him sometime before that and after a couple of months of him chasing for us to reunite I decided to give it another shot. We were not back together officially but working to see us get back to normal. And after a couple of months it seemed to be getting back to normal. When we went on holiday things were awkward at times very tense. I had seen on his phone texts from another girl. He insisted that they were nothing but friends and that they has talked that nothing romantic would happen because of me but seeing messages like ‘I am just going for a shower I wish you were with me’ and sending more kisses at ends of texts than to me showed me that they were not friends.  Anyways he said that he tried to fall in love with me but just couldn’t and he won’t let his heart get broken twice by me but that long twrm it was me he seen as his wige. After a messy row and subsequent few days he has ruled out any romantic involvent with me because of what friends of mine have sent him.on facebook. Contact was broken for two weeks until yesterday when he sent me a snap chat saying ‘hope your okay since the dust has settled’ I am just wondering what to do. I was beginning to recover from the humiliation until that. Now I feel back to square one again. Please help.

    Many thanks

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 28, 2016 at 11:33 am

      Hi Shells,

      sorry I didn’t get what you said last.. you mean you have not talked for two weeks now? and it was broken because he sent a snapchat with you?

  7. Avatar

    Maria

    July 24, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    Amor,

    The section about “financial” is the exact reason, word for word, that my ex gave me when he broke up with me. I read your advice in the comments that say I should adjust my lifestyle, and I don’t have a problem doing that. I’ve just gone through 30 days of NC, during which he sent me 2 small “hi” and “how are you” texts that I ignored. How do I re-engage? I am back on a dating site and saw he is there now too. We’re both “active” daily. Should I end NC? Or is it over? Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 27, 2016 at 1:08 pm

      Hi Maria,

      how long was the relationship? hold being active in dating site if it’s just the beginning if your nc

  8. Avatar

    Victoria

    July 23, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    Hello Amor – thanks for this article it’s very informative.

    My ex boyfriend broke up January, we were together for 5 months. I did NC for 3 week and then messaged him and meet him up. I asked him to get back together on that meet up which he refused. I was very upset, I got drunk that day and ended by on his apartment asking to speak to me – which he again refused. He deleted me on FB that same night. That’s when I start to search and found about this site.

    I never contacted him – I think about 2 months. I only emailed him when I learned about her mom being sick. I also mentioned on that email that I accepted the break up. Said sorry for the shortcomings I did and thank him for the wonderful times. We exchanged email couple of times.

    I stopped contacting him again for about a month since I am away on vacation. The next contact I did was through text message on June. I used the advise on how to text ex bf – he responded positively, I replied back saying I still have his DVD and that I can give it to him. He replied fine but said he’s’ very busy and that July/Aug would be better. I did not understand what he really meant with this reply if he is really busy or he is making excuse not to meet up with me. I still replied in a good note – saying to just inform me when he wants his stuff back.

    I greeted him again almost 2 weeks later on his birthday which I responded very positively. And then I sent him a link of a video of something he really likes last week – he did not respond. Funnily day after I bumped into him for the first time since Feb (the night i came to his apartment unannounced!). I was with friends so we briefly said hi hello and I asked how is he becoz he was injured and had crutch to help him walk. He texted me that night saying it was nice to see me, but look more of a reply to the link I sent him night before. I replied by saying that it was nice seeing him too, and told him of an activity i am doing which we both like. He replied with the short general response the next day. I did not respond anymore as it seems that the convo died. Days later he texted me again, as if a continuation of his reply. I find it weird, why would he reply again? Nevertheless I replied asking how his injury and hope him well. I also told him about my fave walk path and suggested he try that once he can walk w/o crutch. He has read the message but hasn’t replied yet – it’s only been 2 days.

    I am very confused if he is showing interest or he is just being nice. I tried all the positive change I could during the time we broke up until today. But I felt that I couldn’t get him to have a meet up with me so we can spend time together even for a little while. I don’t know too if I should ask him again to meet up with me, I don’t know what excuse I will give this time. I really want to give us another chance – i truly believe in my heart we deserve it. And I think the time apart made us both better (well at least for me I can yes a definite yes!). But I am also thinking if I should just move on… or should I give us more chance. I need help on this…

    Thanks
    Victoria

    1. Avatar

      Victoria

      July 23, 2016 at 4:53 pm

      Thanks Amor – it’s very hard to do that as the text message is dying with his dry response sometimes and the number of days it takes him to respond… it’s not our usual text conversation before…

      Any article here on how to build rapport trhu text and call? I only saw the one to get them to reply..

      Many thanks
      Victoria

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 23, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      Hi Victoria,

      I think you shouldn’t ask for a meet up right away.. your first challenge is to build rapport through texts first.. then calls..and then when enough rapport and attraction is built during calls, that’s when you meet up

  9. Avatar

    Zeyna

    July 20, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    Hello,

    I’ve been binge reading this website since my breakup. I started no contact 2 days after the breakup.. the day we broke up the country went into an impromtu coup and we just wanted to make sure everyone was safe and what was going on on the news..the next day we spoke about how it was very hard to cope with the breakup for both of us and how we were handling it. On the third day I simply stopped texting him.

    The way we broke up was very strange; he said he wanted to remain friends and still talk and meet up and just not have a relationship anymore. I asked him if he stopped loving me but he said no i can never say I dont love you i still do and very much. It was very confusing and i couldnt calm myself for a few hours durig which a lot of crying and begging happened. He had invited me to his home and i left to a friends and he insisted on taking me there. We had a little shopping trip on the way there and he even bought me dinner before dropping me off, he also held my hand in the car the entire way. At my friends house he asked for a hug before i left.

    Today is day four of no contact and its a little eaaier since he went to visit hisparents in a different city. except turns out i accidentally pocket dialled him yesterday and when he called back i picked up. He seemed upbeat and asked how i was doing and apologized that he couldnt pick up as he was at the movies. I was confused and told him that i didnt call him and there was a long silence. he said how come? There was even a voicemessage attached. I apologized and said that i must have pocket dialled him and i didnt mean to call him. His tone changed and became pretty sd and he apologized for calling and i said no problem and hung up. Did this harm the no contact?

    I dont know what is going on here. I feel like the bad guy because im ignoring him and it feels like he didnt even want to break up in the first place, just got rid of the responsibility of the relationship while keeping me in his life. Do we have a chance? And what should i do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 5:23 pm

      hi Zeyna

      nope it didn’t affect nc.. actually just contnue.. if he doesn’t want relationship, then why would he get thr benefit without the reaponsibility

  10. Avatar

    Didou

    July 19, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Hi
    My ex fiancé broke up with me because I told him in a moment of anger that he can’t make make me happy. So I did apologize 1000000 times by all the ways. He is in a long distance. We text every day he said he loves me but he can’t marry me.and he will never get marry.he feel hurt
    What should I do now

  11. Avatar

    Confused Gal

    July 19, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    Hi Amor,

    My BF and I were together for 5 great months (we even took a trip to costa rica together!). I was the first girl he was interested being serious with since his divorce, he had dated a few girls before me but nothing substantial. After the 5 months, he started to drink more at social events than I was used to, and this showed me a different side of him that I was not comfortable with. After talking about this issue he agreed he would take more care to not get so wasted, but that failed and I resorted to nagging him to slow down or not party so hard. Unfortunately during these events I would get noticeably upset and sometimes have public displays of annoyance, which he found extremely “neutering” in his words. This lasted for 2 months after our great 5 months together. At the final social event we attended he was absolutely wasted and proceeded to partake in illegal activity that I was against. That was the breaking point for me-and I left the event. He tried to talk to me but I wasn’t having it and told him I was going home. He texted me that evening to apologize and I said we would talk the next day. During our talk the next day I tried to ask him if we could slow things down and just try to get things back to normal-hey, its summer and mistakes happen….right?! But he turned the tables on me and said that even tho he was really happy in the now, and I make him really happy, he doesn’t see a future with me, doesn’t see himself having kids with me, and wants to find love again (like he felt with his marriage). I was completely shocked, I didn’t know he was this unhappy. He continued to say he thought he should maybe date other people to be sure that this relationship is right, since he feels he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, and really cares about me but doesn’t feel emotionally invested. We agreed to talk a few days later, which I again proposed we slow things down and just see how things turn out, but he again was really confused on what he should do, and wanted to see if he would even miss me… We met again a few days later to talk but his response was the same-still confused but willing to hang out and see what happens as long as there’s no expectations (aka doesn’t want me getting my hopes up), and when I asked if we can be dating other people he told me he didn’t know what he was gonna do and that we should talk again after the weekend. Since then I have not contacted him (aka I started the NC) and he has not contacted me-its been 11 days! I’m staying busy and doing things for myself, I deleted our pictures off social media, I’ve been going on dates, I’ve been working out more, and I even got new a new hairstyle! I’m feeling really good 🙂 but of course I still miss him. I’m wanting to make sure I am on the right path to leaving things open between us, so that I have the best chance possible at the end of the NC period. He hasn’t asked for his stuff back and I haven’t asked for mine, but he added girls to social media (i checked, it was a moment of weakness!). How do I stop feeling that panic that he’s just going to move on and meet someone else, or try to be a better person for a different girl?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 21, 2016 at 9:41 am

      Hi Confused gal,

      yes, you’re on the right track and it’s normal to feel what you feel.

      Just keep in mind that this is a restart..so avoid opening up anything nega at the start of talking to him.again

  12. Avatar

    June

    July 18, 2016 at 12:00 pm

    Hi Amor, HELP. My ex and I (2 years and a half) broke up over a small fight and he said it didn’t cause the breakup but it triggered it. So basically…

    1) He breaks up as he wants to focus on his work and career, He’s a very busy guy, we’re both in the same college same class.

    2) “It’s not you, It’s me” But I know it’s BS, either he lied or he doesn’t know he fell out of love.

    3) My problem: Lost myself, clingy and just basically lost my initial life goals being with him. But to be honest, not to brag we were once a power couple in my college. He improved tremendously yet I’m just there like a stagnant water.

    4) Nearly a month since the breakup.

    5) He claims it is a “mutual breakup”. Cares about me even after the breakup but recently he sensed that I wanted to get back together, He’s been keeping a distance while he still cares? When we do see each other in school He would come over and small talk and just leave somewhere nearby to do his work.

    6) I do think at some point, he regrets breaking up but he’s stubborn to see that and he isn’t as sure as he claims on what he wants ( career and studies)

    What I think the problem is: I’ve been doing NC but failed after the 5th day as I’m being very insecure that recently he’s getting closer with a girl i used to dislike him being close with and so I replied his message. The thing is Amor, I’m seeing him every Monday and HE SITS NEXT TO ME. I feel like NC is always ruined because of the Monday class and I absolutely cannot sit away from him as the seats are permanent. Will this kinda NC work? Semester break is coming ahead, I’m afraid things will turn sour and he would just move on… He asked my close friend to care about me more as he knows I certainly feel like shit now (not really, after reading so much on this site!) and he hopes she can care for me, he said he’s treating me like a friend now but he doesn’t want to give me any high hopes.

    Seriously what should I do.

    1. Avatar

      June

      July 21, 2016 at 11:41 am

      Thank you Amor 🙁
      Update: met up with his mom just now for his birthday planning, I’ve promised her I’ll help her on before the breakup and she’s always been very kind to me treats me as though I’m her own daughter (she knows our situation) and she’s been consoling me a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely feeling myself back lately, but whenever I met up with his mom, I tend to always draw myself back into the “WE MIGHT HAVE HOPE stage” (tbh I’m been focusing on myself so much lately I felt empowering, even when I found out he’s been flirting around with girls I’m still cool.) but one thing tho, I don’t know what is he thinking, he been flirting around with girls, going out having coffee with girls but he tends to always “just asking” my close friends about my whereabouts. Is this a good sign? I’ve been on NC for the 4th day now from this week. Failed my NC on the 5th day last week….

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 12:53 pm

      you’re welcome 🙂 it’s normal for you to feel that way when you’re with his mom and also normal for him to date others.. but it is a good sign that he is asking about you..

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 19, 2016 at 7:11 pm

      Hi June,
      I remember you.. i answered your other comment and I’ll paste may answer there here

      Hi June,

      he said you won’t move on easily? so, he knows that you’re still hoping to get back together.. do the opposite.. be civil with him during class but don’t initiate contact and don’t be engaging when he initiates..be polite but give short rplies..and then just focus in improving yourself and going out with friends and meeting new people

  13. Avatar

    Sun

    July 17, 2016 at 6:59 pm

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. In that four years he broke up with me out of the sudden, i begged for him for about two months until I didn’t beg anymore. Six months after he was begging for me to take him back and crying telling me how sorry he was. We got back together (for a year). The last month he broke up with me again out of the sudden because he didn’t feel the same way. What should I do? Do you think I have chances of getting him back? It would be the second time I got him back, if I did.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 19, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      Hi Sun,

      do you want to do no contact? Try that and then just focus in improving yourself during it and going out with friends too

  14. Avatar

    kiki

    July 16, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    hello amor!
    i just wanted to say that this article is amazing and comprehensive! not only did it review important concepts in this EBR site, but it also added a few more specific tips that focus more on women becoming better people.

    i also want to say that i am doing most of the solutions amor posted here for three years and i am feeling great! i have more friends, lost 35lbs, learned a new language, and am enjoying new things. I do miss my ex and i still do care for him. Before I was a jealous, GNAT who did nothing but cry and cling. Right now I feel like an independent woman who’s got a lot in store for her (i am about to get my MA degree!) I am open to reaching out to my ex, however there is one thing i learned after NC: so not look at your ex with rose colored lenses. see them for who they are without your bias.

    again, i really appreciate your help, amor. i visit this site daily and i read through the comments section. I can say that your advice is more empowering for women than encouraging them to chase their ex. Applause for you, and keep it up! Master Chris must be proud!

    1. Avatar

      Elena

      July 18, 2016 at 3:53 am

      Yes, we are both filipinos! That was what my friends were actually telling me too later on in the situation. They told me to “face the feelings before it cools off” saying “if you don’t face your feelings too, he might friendzone you first and when you come out honest, it’s too late.” Though he really has a history of being afraid of commitment because while everyone is wanting a gf/bf he would always shoot them down like ‘haha it won’t last” or “I don’t think I can see myself getting married/falling in love” and a lot of girls try to get close to him but he wouldn’t want to get close to them because he is sort of aloof from people in general (he wasn’t aloof with me but later turned cold in just a few weeks after one hangout when we had a heart to heart talk about personal things in our lives, especially about his problems). That’s why it’s surprising that he suddenly went dating others after this (not to mention, one of our mutual friends said that the girls he is dating are similar to me in terms of skills, smarts and even fashion style)

      BUT I think it is true that ” he friendzoned (me) early aback then” because it is possible that he was hinting at me, but I really REALLY didn’t notice until only the end so that ended up with the both of us telling ourselves that nothing is going to happen to us. So literally what my friends say “too late” because at the moment he accepted that we are just friends is the moment I realized my feelings. I think with my emotional outbursts back then, he is now aware about my “possible” feelings so I don’t know where that will lead or if that’s a dead end.

      “Actually the best option is that you become an ungettable girl first before talking to him or seeing him”
      Thanks for the advice! I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing then because I’m totally living life (without romance of course, but even before meeting him, I am the kind of girl who can wait when it comes to that)

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 19, 2016 at 5:47 pm

      welcome! he just has to see that you’re beung active in other things so that he will think you’re moving on

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 16, 2016 at 9:49 pm

      Hi Kiki

      Thank you very much!! It means a lot!! Ahm I didn’t catch your question though, did you mean how to reach out to him after 3 years of no contact?

  15. Avatar

    Hajime

    July 16, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    So what is the answer to why men break up with women who earn more or are more successful in their careers? I Seemed to have missed seeing this in the post?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 16, 2016 at 9:30 pm

      Hi Hajime,

      omg! no you didn’t..it wasn’t included in the post, thank you for ponting that out 😉 we’re going to edit it.. but it’s supposed to be that the girl should adjust her lifestyle to meet halfway.. she can do what she wants of course..but not to the point that the guy thinks it’s the girl’s lifestyle that he would have adjust to and can’t keep up with down the line

  16. Avatar

    Elena

    July 16, 2016 at 9:15 am

    AMAZING ARTICLE! I’ve waited months for an article like this! Praise! I wonder if EBR can help me on this special case… I know this site says “Ex-BOYFRIEND” but my case didn’t really have a label

    My situation was– we were “together” but not strictly/formally exclusive for 2 years (started out as 19, and he was 18). It started out as a friendship and slowly (but surely) things got running towards the romance direction. We never really had a “boyfriend-girlfriend” label, but it came to a point that even everyone thought we were together. We were dating. I know you’re wondering why we never became an icon despite things; it’s because 1) I realized my feelings a little later and thought that he was just being sweet 2) We sort of know that we are still young in a way that there are other things in life that we want to pursue first before a serious commitment 3) He was the shy type who doesn’t know how to deal with feelings well. 4) We have a feeling that our families wouldn’t approve of each other (for now) so there’s a small spot of “hopelessness anyway” that was set in early. We also did not do-the-do (despite “friendly” overnights and sleepovers), weren’t FWB, never kissed. There was a time though that I woke up and saw him really close to me and putting my hand on his chest. Another when he would come close to me and cuddle for a few minutes. It seemed like some constipated romance that just had episodes of bloom.

    Later in our “relationship’ fights started to come up randomly (usually from petty/small things like my jealousy and him trying to be distant and cold suddenly and us not being able to spend as much time with each other anymore due to school and part-time work) One day I had a talk with my best friends about him and they told me that it was about time I “confront” him about everything. So when I was about to open the topic in chat and was hinting about asking him if he had feelings for me, he talked about dating some other girls online (and LDR) and that (admittedly) made me feel irritated and jealous and felt “cheated” in a way (he also was rubbing in screenshots of his chat with one of the girls with me). So in my upset, I friendzoned him… sort of… out of upset (and to see how he will react.) He started telling me that he only sees me as a sister/cousin or best friend and nothing “creepy sexual” etc which made me all the more upset (looking back, I think I did come out a little weird because he started telling me he didn’t understand what I was meaning to say. I was emotional and so my words were vague and confusing) We had a “bad breakup (a bad talk. We were in a cafe and I decided to talk to him heart to heart… and he did not cooperate, not saying anything at all. His bro friend told me he was angry though when he got home and he was cussing at them bro friends because of me. Bro friends didnt know much about us until this point and i think he was playing victim about it too)” with NC for 2 years after. A few months after that, we did try to see each other a bit for friendship’s sake but things really didn’t connect (there was a time I tried “chasing” but I ended up looking desperate because he was focused suddenly on online dating). And yes, he was dating other girls (background on him: he never really was into dating anyone, he just started dating others after I came into his life and late in our “relationship”. He would bring up topics about relationships to me from time to time during our “friendship’ though. But it wasn’t anything obviously hinted.) Now I realized I had feelings for him and I wanted a relationship with him back then (it just wasn’t clear in my head), but my gut really tells me that I should better myself first right now (become a UG, establish my career etc.)

    I do get worried because I am certain he already/still has a gf and I might be too late? The last time I heard about him was when he was online dating this girl in Europe and another time when he -seemed- “serious” about moving in with this girl (even though he had serious commitment/marriage issues. But he does have a shaky relationship with his family.) I also sent him a small inexpensive cupcake a few months ago for his birthday, but I do not have any form of reply from him (he knows my number, address, and is mutual friends with some people close to me.) I do not stalk him or contact anyone related to him either so I totally have no news about what is going on with him. I do still care for him and we really worked well together. He will always hold a special place in my heart (and I to him, he told me himself numerous times and even heard it from his bro friends that he said so) and this distance and absence feels itchy (I was very emotional a year ago but right now my head is in entering medicine: which I delayed after grad because… you guessed it! Because I was “dating’ him. We really had a good time together.)

    What do you think should I do? Should I act now? or should I finish everything I want to finish first (like medicine) and then come back to him when I’m already “fully established”? I feel that if I come in at a bad time (like if he is preoccupied with his gf or someone) it would just hurt my chances? I’m worried and confused about the timing or when to try to contact or connect again. If I prioritize medicine (which I am serious about), what is the best way for me to increase my chances of getting him back? Should I keep contact with him often? Should I patch things up as friends? Or should I do the movie-type-of-timeskip where we see each other later again (when I’m a UG?) What do you think/is your opinion of this situation? and what is your advice? I know I technically have “no right” because we were never “exclusive’ but I am focused on becoming a UG and trying to increase my chances of getting him back. (also doing things with friends that we should have done before like going to specific fun places etc. He probably doesn’t know though because I really cut contact and my appearances with him.) Again, it’s been 2 years already away from him and I did almost everything (chasing, begging, heart to heart talk, acting as if there’s no problem, trying to be friends, letting him be, NC for a long time, improving myself in a lot of aspects and hanging out with friends and other people) but still nothing (I am always the one who often reaches out to shy him back then soo : / ) thanks

    P.S. I feel a little annoyed that it seems like he is complacent about me? (assuming he -still- had feelings for me until the end) like I am that kind of girl he can go back to anytime.

    P.S.S. I did read this article so I thought you’d understand my situation a bit that’s why I’m messaging you this detailed comment about my constipated romance. My situation seems to have a lot of bits and parts from the common reasons up there and I hope it’s not much of a hassle seeking a direct response aside from the (VERY EXCELLENT!)solutions up there 🙁 I’m just wondering if -not being formally exclusive- changes the game (because it is possible that his feelings sparked for me for a short time and he shot it down because it seemed “impossible and crazy” you know a shy young guy’s drill.)

    P.S.S. You seem to know about the Ph, I am from there too! 🙂 While I am a conservative girl (romantically at least), he is on the more… non-conservative culture (albeit closet).

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 16, 2016 at 9:00 pm

      Hi Elena,

      Thank you! You and him are filipinos?

      ok Elena.. I think he friendzoned you early aback then but you thought he was just afraid of commitment..
      Actually the best option is that you become an ungettable girl first before talking to him or seeing him

  17. Avatar

    Fred

    July 15, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    What an awesome comprehensive post, Amor! There is something in there for everyone and I absolutely love all of your personal stories and anecdotes that help in reinforcing your advice. I think you really hit the mark early on when you talked there being “no hard rules for relationships”. As you pointed, there are many reasons that can contribute to people breaking it off. But since you are so close to the scene by answering so many comments, you have a unique perspective of the commonalities. And I think you hit the nail on the head! I wish the solutions would come about as easily as it seems the problems arise. But like you said….there are no hard rules in matters of the heart and if I can add, “easy” ways to get the love train back on the track.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 16, 2016 at 4:06 pm

      Thanks Fred!!! That means a lot.. I still have a lot to learn though.. but thanks to Chris and Jen, they have taught me a lot 🙂

  18. Avatar

    Frustrated- I want my ex back

    July 15, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    Hi
    So I met my ex on a dating app. We talked 2 months every day by text. When we finally met it was incredible. He was really into me, after a month of dating he planned a party so that all of his friends could meet me. Not going to lie there were times when I doubted our relationship- he would sometimes make plans to see me and then disappear for the weekend-texting me on the following Monday saying that he had either been to busy with work or else partying with friends- I would always question him and let him know it upset me- but I always figured that was something we could work on. We live 2 hours apart- and he is on call for work so it was always tough trying to see each other- and most of the time it was me making the effort to drive to see him because of him being on call- but that didn’t bother me- I wanted to see him. So he broke up with his ex 2 years ago and they have 2 kids together. We said I would not meet his kids until we both knew that we were in it for long haul- 3 weeks ago he introduced me to the kids. It was great- the kids liked me, they actually cried when their mom came to pick them up. Well the following week, my ex started texting and calling me less. I tried to keep the conversations going- but then he just disappeared. when I finally got him on the phone he told me “I have a drinking problem, you are the perfect girl. You are too good for me, you deserve someone better. I am a piece of s***, I am in a slump right now. My ex is being a b****. I am really screwed up. Its not you its me, I need alone time to figure s*** out” I told him that he deserves to be happy and that its up to me to decide who I deserve and who I don’t. So then instead of giving him his alone time- I admit it I was a GNAT and I “begged” for him to come back. I told him I liked him and missed him. I sent unanswered texts and phone calls. This was before I discovered this site. When I realized I was being a GNAT I sent him a final message apologizing for not respecting his wish for alone time, and that when he was ready he could call me. It frustrates me because what I thought was a perfect weekend, I really felt like I was apart of his life- was the end for him. I don’t get it?
    What is your advice on this situation? Is there ever a chance of him wanting me back after I begged and was a GNAT- or is the damage already done? I have never felt like this about anyone, he made me happy and all of his friends told me that they have never seen him so happy that what ever I was doing I was doing it right. So why the disappearing act? I really want my ex back!!
    Thanks for the advice

    1. Avatar

      Frustrated- I want my ex back

      July 15, 2016 at 7:39 pm

      Thanks Amor,
      I have no idea what the reason could be and that is what has been the hardest- because I really thought everything was going good. I told him it would be easier for me if he told me what was going on. He told me there was no one else, that he was just screwed up right now. So I don’t know if it was getting to real with me meeting his kids and he freaked out because he isn’t ready for that kind of commitment or what? I will try hard to use the NC to my benefit.
      So do I try to contact him after the NC period or do I just wait until he contacts me? I have a feeling that since he is so hard on himself and says that I don’t deserve him that I wont be hearing from him. and I am scared that I pushed him away with my GNAT behaviour

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 16, 2016 at 3:30 pm

      actually I think his ex got angry because you were close to the kids.. though of course I’m not sure of that..

      so, if that’s case you gnatting won’t matter much but you still have to life ahead and let your ex see it to increase the chances of him missing you

    3. Avatar

      Frustrated- I want my ex back

      July 15, 2016 at 5:18 pm

      whoops I thought my first one didn’t work

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 15, 2016 at 7:06 pm

      Hi Frustrated,

      I actually remember you.. I answered your first comment and I don’t think you saw my reply I’ll copy paste here and add other insights too

      Hi Confused,

      from the looks of it, you are broken up..do.you an idea what the reason could be and are you going to start active no contact

      There is a chance, just focus in improving yourself during and after nc and not be gnat again and maintain having your own life..

  19. Avatar

    Frustrated- I want my ex back

    July 15, 2016 at 4:39 pm

    Hi
    I need help! So my ex and I met on dating app- we texted every day for 2 months before we finally met in person. First time we met each other felt right and we had an incredible time together, and made our relationship official. 3 weeks after dating he would send me I miss you texts with hearts, we live 2 hrs apart. He was actually into it the relationship more than I was at first. after a month of dating he planned a party so that all of his friends could meet me. I admit it it wasn’t all roses, sometimes he would make plans to see me and then just disappear on weekends- I wouldn’t hear from him until the following Monday- that seemed to be an issue that we discussed a lot about but one I tried to be patient with- cuz yes I get it we don’t need to spend every minute talking or seeing each other. He broke up with his ex 2 years ago and they have 2 young kids together. Three weeks ago he introduced me to his kids, we had a great weekend. The kids really liked me and actually cried when their mom came to pick them up. That following night he told me had a drinking problem( I noticed that he had a beer every night I was with him but I didn’t think that was a problem),he told me that I was the perfect girl- that I was to good for him-called himself a piece of S***, he was really being hard on himself. We spent the night cuddling and watching movies. In my mind that was a perfect weekend, I really felt like I was a part of his life- we had discussed previously that I would not meet his kids until we were both ready. Then slowly he started texting less, and disappearing more and more. I tried to keep the conversations going, but after finding this website I realize I should have implemented NC rule then. I wanted him to know that I didn’t think of him as a bad person and that I cared and wanted us to be together. He quit answering my calls, and texts just disappeared. Then one day I finally got him on the phone and he told me “Its not you its me, I am in a slump. I am trying to figure s*** out. My ex is being a b****. and I am really screwed up. I need alone time to figure things out.” Well instead of implying the NC rule- I admit it I did beg. I sent him texts telling him that I would be there for him if he needed someone to talk to, I would help him figure his stuff out, that I do like him and miss him. I tried calling more than once (whoops) and he didn’t answer his phone. I was a GNAT. once I realized I was a GNAT-my last text to him I apologized for not respecting him when he said he wanted alone time- and that if he was ever ready to talk to give me a call and then I deleted his # from my phone so I am not tempted to text him. I don’t get it- in my mind our last weekend spent together with his kids was perfect – but in his mind it was the end. I am so frustrated and sad- I don’t know what happened to make him run away.
    .Anyway I am wondering if because I was a GNAT and “begged” after he asked for alone time, if there is ever a chance for me to get my ex back? Any advice on what I should do with this situation is greatly appreciated!
    Thank you

  20. Avatar

    Didou

    July 15, 2016 at 4:32 pm

    What should I do now?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 15, 2016 at 6:57 pm

      Change.. Move on from the past because that’s gone now.. have a life of your own and stop chasing him.. meet new people and go out with them.. basically, put yourself first this time.. you’ve been chasing him for almost a year now.. and the more you chased and stayed, the less you become attractive to him..

      yeah he missed you, he missed the old you but not enough to want you.. because he doesn’t see you as as ungettable girl.. As someone that he can be gone in his life.. well, because you’re always there..

      It’s either you really live life right now that you’re looking for someobody else and he’s just a small part of your life, or you do one last nc that is really long, not less than 6 months and really improve yourself, massively.. not just in looks but also with your skills and social life..

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