I have often wondered if there was a method in which you can employ to regain your ex boyfriends trust.

This site has been in existence for about a year and throughout that year one simple question has haunted me:

“How do you get an ex boyfriend to trust you again if he feels like you betrayed him?”

I hesitated to tackle this subject because I felt like I was over-matched by it. You see, I am the type of person that is a perfectionist. Everything that I write about on this site is something that I pour my heart and soul into. I am dedicated into making Ex Boyfriend Recovery THE premier ex boyfriend site in the entire world. So, when I don’t know something I make it my mission to figure out the solution.

Well, I think I have figured it out, the method on how to regain someones trust. It’s not going to be an easy road but I think I have it all figured out. I would like to introduce you to my complete guide on how to regain an ex boyfriends trust.

But before we really dive into the “trust theory” I feel it is important to mention something.

Some Men Will Not Trust You

funny trust

Scary title huh?

Let me ask you a question. Do you want me to tell you the truth?

Hopefully you do but in the rare case that you don’t this is for you:

All men will trust you. No matter what happens all you have to do is talk to a man and he will trust you with his heart and soul.

The real truth about men is that there will be some that will not trust you no matter what you say or do. I thought a lot about this when I was researching for this guide.

I guess the real question becomes what causes these men to not ever be able to forgive a woman and trust them again? Lets tackle that right now.

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The Forgiveness Factor

forgive me

Whenever a woman asks me a question about what she can do internally to get a boyfriend back I always seem to mutter the words “forgiveness” or “forgive yourself.”

It’s funny though because if I was in a situation where I felt I was wronged by a woman I honestly don’t know how I would react to it. Would I be able to forgive her or would I hold it against her for the rest of my life? I’d like to think that I am a forgiving person but even I have my limits.

This brings me to my next point..

As I outline in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO some men have a hard time forgiving people.

I think in the end it all boils down to how bad they feel they were wronged. For example, if a woman cheated on me multiple times with multiple different men I am not sure I could forgive her for that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not in my nature to be a mean person but I would definitely not want to date her again because she would have betrayed my trust multiple times.

Now, lets talk about a similar scenario but not quite as extreme.

Lets say that I was dating a girl and she cheated on me but she didn’t go as far as to sleep with another guy, she just ended up kissing him. Not a full blown make out but a long kiss that lasts about a second in a half. I honestly think that if that happened to me I would be able to forgive a girlfriend for it BUT it would take some time and I would hold it against her for a long while… maybe forever.

Holding It Against You

I think for most people trust is placed very high on the list of “attributes” in an ideal partner.

So, when something happens that devalues that “trust attribute” forgiveness is not going to be achieved right away. Remember, trust is really important to most guys (especially when it comes to good looking women who get hit on a lot.) I would say that you should expect a guy to hold whatever you did (to cause him to lose trust in you) against you for a while.

It’s only human to have doubts in your mind when you have been wronged before. A guy may think:

“Will this happen again? What if I lose her? Am I not enough for her?”

In some cases men can be more insecure about women when it comes to this kind of stuff.

One of my best friends in the world dates girl who is pretty fond of going to parties. I remember this one time where he called me in the middle of the day and said:

“Chris, she is going to a party and her EX BOYFRIEND is going to be there…. she didn’t even invite me to go :(.”

The fact that his girlfriend didn’t invite him to the party really upset him and made him mad. His mind was racing with all kinds of possibilities.

“What could she be doing?”

“Her ex is there.. is she going to get back with him?”

Luckily, she just wanted some time away from my buddy and her friend had invited her to the party. The fact that her ex boyfriend was there was purely a coincidence. In fact, I later found out that she didn’t even talk to her ex boyfriend.

How did I find this out?

Well, my buddy got so worked up over it that he crashed the party which in turn caused one of the greatest couple arguments of our time..

The main point here is that for the next few months my friend held this incident against her. He would always bring it up whenever they got into a fight and cited it as a reason for why he couldn’t trust her.

Five years later and they are still together and this incident isn’t even mentioned anymore.

So, while it may suck for a guy to hold something against you it is just a matter of expecting it to happen and enduring it, it won’t last forever.

Unless of course…

A Man Who Holds Something Against You Out Of Spite

There will always be men who are mean spirited.

When it comes to “holding something against you” there are men out there that will never let you live down any mistake you make. These are the type of guys that will literally bring up your mistake for the rest of your relationship. You may think that the mistake you made hurt them and maybe it did but I think there is more to the pain.

Some men have extremely big egos. They will walk around like they are gods gift to the world, like they are untouchable. So, when a woman actually does something hurtful to them instead of forgiving her down the road they hold it against her to punish her.

It really is a sick practice but there will be some men that will react this way when they feel hurt.

Still a little confused?

I find the best way to understand these situations is with examples.

Let’s say that you and I dated.

Throughout our relationship you consistently lied to me and even cheated on me. Of course, the lying and cheating caused an eventual breakup. Right now in this fake example I have ZERO trust in you. That means it would be your job, during the breakup period, to try and regain my trust. For the purposes of this example lets say that you do just that, make me trust you again. When we begin dating for the second time you are under the impression that I have forgiven you for all your mistakes but deep down I have not. In fact, I am holding your mistakes against you the entire time we are together in our new relationship. I am not only holding them against you because I am hurt I am also holding them against you as a way to control you.

You see, whenever you do something that I don’t like I am going to bring your past mistakes up out of anger as a way to control you. It all derives from a place of pain. You hurt me so I felt I lost control over you. As a way to regain that control I am going to use your past mistakes as a bargaining chip to not only give you a massive guilt trip but as a way of making myself feel better, a way of gaining more control over you.

Welcome to the mind of men…

Common Mistakes That Can Cause An Ex To Lose Trust In You

trust me mom

In this section we are going to be talking about all the ways in which a (now) ex boyfriend may have lost trust in you.

I think the main point I want to make here is that there are literally thousands of different things that someone can do to make you lose trust in them. I am just going to be focusing on the most common situations. So, if you read through this and are unable to find a situation that lines up perfectly with what you are experiencing don’t freak out. Once we start getting into the actual ways in which you can work on regaining your exes trust you are going to learn that the tactics I teach can be applied in almost every situation.

Now, before I start getting into the ways that you can butcher your exes trust there is a concept that I need to explain to you.

Mistake Point Scale

This is something I thought about a lot when I was creating my book.

Not all mistakes are created equally.

It’s pretty much common sense that if you cheat on your boyfriend it is going to be a whole lot worse than telling a little lie to him. While both of these examples can cause a boyfriend to lose trust in you one is definitely worse than the other.

This got me thinking..

“What if I came up with a way in which someone can just glance at a mistake and know how bad it is.”

That is why I decided to create the mistake point scale. What is it?

Well, it’s a way in which you can glance at a mistake and know how bad it is.

MPI (Mistake Point Scale)

5 = Very hard time regaining trust.

4 = Hard time regaining trust.

3 = Trouble regaining trust.

2 = Regaining trust will be challenging but it can definitely happen if you put work into it.

1 = Easy to regain trust.

The way this scale works is pretty simple. Whenever I talk about a “trust mistake” I am going to assign it a number. That number will dictate how hard it will be to get your ex boyfriends trust back if you committed that particular mistake. For example, lets say that you told a lie. It wasn’t a huge lie but it was a lie. I would assign that mistake a (2.)

Do you kind of get the scale now?

Yes? No? Maybe?

Whatever, we are moving on.

Cheating (By Sleeping With Someone Else) MPI- 5

cheating

I wanted to start off with a bang…

(Ok, that pun was not intended.)

In my opinion there are two types of cheating. There is the type that involves kissing (and maybe “touching”) and then there is the type of cheating where you go all the way and sleep with someone who isn’t your boyfriend. As you can see from the title of this section I assigned the cheating by sleeping with someone an MPI rating of 5.

If you reference the MPI scale above you would notice that this means that if you perform this type of trust mistake you are going to have a very hard time regaining your exes trust.

Cheating by sleeping with someone is the ultimate betrayal. I don’t know how else to put it other than that.

Why is this such a mistake?

Well, right now I am assuming that you and your boyfriend are now “ex” but lets pretend for a moment that you were able to get him back. The main problem you are going to be facing is that for the rest of the time that you are with him he is going to constantly think back to that time that you cheated on him.

It is going to make him uncomfortable and insecure every time you go out and are around other men.

This is really the headwind you are going to be facing. So, how do you get rid of this headwind?

That’s the trick isn’t it? Well, in my opinion for you it’s all about showing your man that he is just that, your man!

I will talk about how to do this a little bit later.

Cheating (By Kissing Or “Touching”) MPI- 4-5

prevent cheating

When the word “cheating” is thrown around everyone automatically assumes that sex is involved but actually cheating by kissing or “touching” can be just as bad when it comes to trust.

Now, the first thing you probably noticed is that I assigned this type/s of cheating an MPI rating of 4-5. Allow me to expand on that a little bit.

I think that when you are dealing with an ex boyfriend anything from 2nd base or beyond is going to be considered a 5 on the MPI scale. However, if we are talking about just kissing here I would assign that “sin” as a 4. Make no mistake about it, anything in the 4-5 range is really bad.

Just like with the section above an ex boyfriend is always going to have your cheating in the back of his mind so that is some headwind you are going to have to face here as well.

Of course, I am the type of person that always tries to find the silver lining in tough situations. So, when I look at this type of cheating I see one silver lining.

While it is never good to cheat (that shatters everyone’s trust) if you cheated just by kissing another guy then you are going to be in a much better position. Look, we are all human beings here and all of us make mistakes.

Speaking of mistakes…

I have these theories that I think can help explain some of the mindset behind cheating.

Replication Theory & Emotional Theory

If you look at the human species purely from an evolutionary perspective you can learn some interesting things.

Firstly, men and women aren’t made to be together forever.

Think about it.

We are all put here for two reasons:

  1. To Survive
  2. To Replicate

Survival meaning to eat, sleep and find shelter!

Replication meaning to procreate.

When you understand these principles it isn’t hard to figure out why men feel the need to cheat. Since men carry the means to procreate it is very hard to tie them down. It is in a mans nature to find as many partners as possible and ensure the survival of the human race.

Take a look back at caveman times. I doubt that the first cavemen were loyal to just their one woman. No, they probably knocked up as many cavewomen as they could. What I have just described here is a scientific explanation for why men are horny.

This brings us to you.

We already know that one of the main reasons that men cheat is because they get horny but women often cheat for other reasons.

Lets go back to our evolutionary perspective for a moment.

We know that men have a green light on their “horny” urges but women are the opposite. While it is true that women can get horny they have a problem that trumps their horniness, pregnancy.

You see, any caveman can sleep with a woman and just walk away with no consequences. Cavewomen on the other hand have to be more selective with who they sleep with because the consequence of being pregnant always looms. Even with the introduction of birth control this evolutionary feeling of being pregnant is in the back of the head of every woman. As a result, women don’t cheat on their men because they get horny, they cheat when they don’t get what they need emotionally.

Hopefully that sheds some light on a subconscious level on why humans feel the need to cheat.

Lets move on and look at a few more reasons that can cause an ex to lose trust in you.

You Lied MPI 1-4

you lie

Before I say anything about lying I just want to point out that I created an entire guide on lying here. So, if you really want an in-depth look at the male mind and lying you might want to check it out. Of course, in this section we aren’t going to be focusing on the male mind. We are going to be focusing on YOU!

You may have noticed that I assigned lying an MPI rating of 1-4. That is a pretty big discrepancy. So, allow me to expand on that.

Imagine for a moment that you are dating me. I tell you that I really like your cooking when I really don’t. Technically, this is a small lie. Now, if somewhere down the road you find out that I lied to you it is probably going to hurt your feelings and you may doubt if I am telling the truth from that point on. However, in the end it is something that you would probably be able to get over. I would assign this type of small lie a 1 on the MPI scale.

Lets kick things up a notch now and pretend that I am a compulsive liar. This means that I am constantly lying to you and you know it. With every lie I tell you I keep losing your trust (no matter how small the lie.) Eventually it gets so bad that you don’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth because you can’t trust that I am telling you the truth.

This culmination of lies can lead to an MPI rating of a 4. That means you are in a really bad position.

Imagine if you did this type of stuff to your ex boyfriend?

Every time you say something and want to be taken seriously you won’t be because your ex will doubt how honest you are being. That is a lot of headwind to face.

So, I suppose the question becomes how can you make your ex boyfriend believe you when you talk to him about something serious?

I am going to teach you how but that will be a little bit later. For now lets just move on to the next trust mistake.

Controlling Him MPI 3-4

control

I was having an interesting conversation with a friend the other day.

She asked me what my thoughts on possessiveness were and I provided her with the following statement:

At the beginning of every new relationship I think that both the man and the woman are obsessed with eachother. I believe we call this the “honeymoon period.” Both parties in the relationship actually enjoy the obsessiveness. Of course, the initial obsession that both the man and woman feel will eventually die down. For arguments sake lets say that the mans feelings start to normalize but the woman still feels the initial obsession. This can become dangerous because that obsessiveness can evolve into possessiveness and that is not a healthy place to be.

This is where control begins to creep in. When you feel so possessive of a person that you feel the need to tell them what to do, how to act and what to wear.

Lately I have been wondering why we as humans feel the need to control people in relationships. Make no mistake about it there is always going to be someone, that deep down, we wish we could control.

The truth is that when it comes to relationships it is impossible to control your significant other. That person is always going to do what they want to do. It is up to you to show them that being with you is in their best interest and you know how you are supposed to do that?

BY NOT TRYING TO CONTROL THEM ;).

You may have noticed that I assigned this mistake as a 3-4 on the MPI scale.

I suppose what it all comes down to is preference. Some men absolutely despise being controlled. I would be a member of this distinguished club. For me, any time a woman tries to control me it really makes me angry. Look, I pride myself on being someone who is loyal and trustworthy. I work very hard to gain that kind of trust from women so when they try to control me it really upsets me. For me, a woman who controls me is an automatic 4 on the MPI scale.

Not all men are like me though.

Deep down there will be some men that kind of like being controlled. They like the thought that there is a woman out there that cares enough about them to control their actions. However, even these men have their limits. If you are too controlling to a man like this you will probably wind up with a 3 on the MPI scale.

The thing to remember about all of this is that it is very possible to gain your exes trust back.

This brings us to our next point, how to actually get the trust back.

How To Get Your Ex Boyfriends Trust Back

trust me

This section is going to have a pretty straightforward setup.

Basically it is going to tie directly into the mistakes I talked about above.

Why am I doing this?

Well, because every situation is different and how you approach each of those situations requires a certain amount of finesse and if I were to give you the generic “one advice fits all” you would most likely fail.

Of course, I do want to point out that there will be one difference in the things that I am going to be covering. If you look at the mistake section above you will notice that there are 4 major mistakes that I cover. If you look through this section you will notice that there are only 3. The reason for this is that I have combined the two types of cheating that I discuss above into one.

Other than that lets get started.

You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend… Time To Get Him To Trust You Again

Cheaters-be-like

I wanted to start with this one because this is probably the hardest thing to come back from.

If you have cheated on your ex boyfriend there is no way he is going to trust you. This is something that you have to understand right out of the gate. Trust is something that is earned over time so you are going to have to really put in the work to earn it.

Why am I telling you this?

Because in order to gain back his trust you are going to have to make sacrifices and these sacrifices are going to have to be made with no guarantees that you will succeed in making him trust you again. In other words, you are going to have blind faith that what you are doing is going to work.

Unfortunately, blind faith is something that very few people have but honestly it is the only way.

So, what are some of the sacrifices you are going to have to be making.

Swearing Off Other Men For A While..

Other men..

They are the reason you are in this predicament. Well, actually YOU are the reason you are in this predicament if you cheated (in any form) but still, those other men are to blame too. Your ex boyfriend is probably going to be very angry with you. He will call you names, say hurtful things and probably not want to talk to you again for a long time.

In spite of all this anger one thing is certain..

HE WILL BE CHECKING UP ON YOU!

Now, if you had cheated on me (which caused a breakup) I can tell you that I would be checking up on you from time to time. I would do this through mutual friends, Facebook or whatever other social networks you are a part of. Imagine if I checked up on you one day and learned that you were always hanging out around other guys. To make matters worse any time I checked your Facebook account I would see you out with with other guys.

Now, for someone trying to get their ex boyfriend back a little jealousy can be a good thing. However, I think in the case where you cheated on him a little jealousy can quickly turn into anger and leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. This bad taste could potentially cause him to never want to talk to you again.

So, swear off other men for a while. It doesn’t have to be forever it just has to be long enough for you to try the method I am about to outline.

Remember that blind faith stuff I was talking about? Well, this is it.

Don’t worry all this ignoring other men is going to pay off but you will have to wait a bit to see how.

Contact Or Not?

There seems to be a lot of debate about this topic.

Some women believe that giving a man some space to work out his feelings is the best way to approach the situation. Others are stern on their decision to contact their ex immediately and go on an apologizing rampage.

So, whats the best way to approach this situation?

Well, I am a fan of apologizing if you did something wrong BUT I am a fan of doing it in the right way. In my opinion the best way to handle the situation is to do no contact but knowing all I know now (as compared to when I started this website) I don’t think a full 30 days NC period is required. Instead, I think you should shoot for 15 days.

Here is how this will break down.

We already know that a breakup has occurred. So, instead of apologizing immediately (when you know that your ex boyfriend is angry at you) you should apologize after the no contact period is up. Of course, if you are a no contact period for 30 full days your ex boyfriend is likely to get very angry at you if you keep ignoring his messages during that 30 days. So, what you want to do is cut the no contact period in half.

I think that 15 days is enough time for him to “kind of” get settled down emotionally.

If you don’t know what the no contact rule is then I recommend you visit my guide on it.

So, before I move on lets do a quick recap on what we have learned so far.

  • It’s not a good idea to talk to a lot of men (romantically.) You should probably swear them off for a while.
  • Instead of doing a 30 day no contact period you are going to do a 15 day one.

“Your The Only One For Me” Theory

I know what you are thinking…

“Oh god.. not another one of his theories.”

But I promise you that this one is pretty important!

Every man that has walked this earth has at one time had one simple thought “I wish I had a girl that only had eyes for me..”

In reality most men only think that they want that as I explained last week with this guide (but we don’t have time to go into that.)

By cheating on your ex boyfriend you have shattered any fantasies that he has had of you thinking that you were the only one for him. That fact alone is some serious headwind that you are going to have to overcome to get him to trust you again. From this point on I want you to approach the situation with this mindset:

Everything I do has to be done with one goal in mind, to make him think that I am the only one for him.

The truth is that you may not be… BUT he has to think you are. You can’t get him to trust you again if he doesn’t feel that. Also, I want you to notice how this ties directly into everything I was saying with the “don’t be with other guys” part of this section. He definitely won’t think that you only have eyes for him if he sees you eying other guys. That’s just common sense.

Every single text you send.

Every single communication you have.

EVERYTHING has to be done with the greater purpose of making him think that you only care about him (even though deep down it may not be true.)

This brings us to an interesting predicament. You may have the urge to, right out of the gate, go into some long explanation for why you have changed and how all you care about is him.

Don’t do this.

His trust is not something that you are going to win back right out of the gate. Instead, you are going to have to carefully prime your ex boyfriend for this to happen.

Lets talk a little about how to do that now.

Priming An Ex Boyfriend (After You Cheated)

It would be a little weird if out of the blue you texted your ex boyfriend this big long apology about how you were wrong and how you feel horrible and blah blah blah. I have actually gotten these before (after I have been wronged) and I can honestly say that it just annoys me.

Why?

Well, I am not in the right state of mind to hear an apology.

This is why I recommend doing a brief 15 day no contact rule so you can pre-prime your ex boyfriend.

Now, when I talk about priming what do I mean?

Well, in order to get the best results with anything regarding trust you have to make sure your ex is in the right mindset to talk about it. In order to do that you have to prime him. You can do this by putting yourself on good terms with him. Think of it like this. Once you start talking to your ex boyfriend again he is going to probably be wondering when you will apologize (which you won’t be doing until he is properly primed to hear it.) This anticipation will help with the priming.

The point is to get on the best terms possible with him. How do you do that? Well, this whole site is full of information on getting on good terms with your ex so do some digging. What I am interested in talking about here is what to say when you have him primed.

I have never recommended this before but I think these circumstances are special.

I want you to compose a long text, email or Facebook message to your ex boyfriend (ONLY WHEN HE IS PRIMED TO HEAR IT.)

The point of the message is to kind of put your cards on the table. There can be no games here. I want this message to accomplish three things:

  1. Admit what you did was wrong.
  2. You haven’t been able to talk to other men.
  3. You feel horrible about everything.

I am going to give you an example of how I would compose this message but first there are a few things I want to note. This is not a message where you are declaring your undying love. It’s not a message where you are going to ask to date your ex again. In fact, I don’t want you to expect anything from this message. I just want you to do this so your ex can know where you stand.

Hopefully if you do this right it will get him thinking that you have turned over a new leaf and he can start taking the necessary steps to potentially start trusting you again.

So, if I was in your shoes how would I compose a message like this?

Here is how:

I know that you and I are broken up and I am not trying to start anything here but I just need to get something off my chest (you may have intentions to get back with him (which you won’t be talking about) but saying this phrase will put him at ease.) I want you to know that I was wrong for what I did to you. I think about it a lot and I am ashamed of myself. (The purpose of this is to show him that you are sorry and that you know you were wrong.) I actually haven’t even been able to look at another man since what happened, happened (Tapping into that “your the only one for me” mindset.) because I have been so ashamed of myself. I just feel horrible about everything and I know that you won’t ever be able to look at me the same but I do just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart… I am sorry.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Lies And How To Overcome Them

liar

If you lied to your ex boyfriend getting his trust back is going to be a lot easier than if you cheated on him. This is just a simple fact.

Of course, I don’t want you to let this go to your head. It’s not like this is going to be an easy task.

We are assuming that your breakup was caused by YOUR LYING. This means that you are going to have some work ahead of you because right now your ex boyfriend can’t trust anything you say. So, the main goal in this section is going to be to find a way to make your ex boyfriend believe you when you talk to him about anything serious.

Honesty Theory

In relationships your word is your bond.

If you break it then how is your ex boyfriend supposed to trust you?

One thing I have learned about women is that you really value honesty. You see, most men don’t understand that fact. Most of us are still under the impression that all women want is to hear what they want to hear.

In other words, lies.

Of course, most men have never tried to play the opposite side of the coin. So, instead of pretending to be something that they aren’t they just be who they are and aim to be brutally honest with women. I tried it and it works like a charm. Seriously, chicks dig honesty.

You see, women love it because they know when they look a man in the eye and he is telling the truth they can trust him and having that feeling of trust in someone is irreplaceable.

Men aren’t any different!

Well, some men are but the majority of men really value honesty too. Whenever I get interested in a girl I almost expect to play games with her. The way the initial attraction process works is broken in my opinion. You see, she is going to play games to test me and I am going to play games to test her.

You know what I really want.. NO GAMES.

This entire site is all about playing games to get your ex boyfriend back that’s just the way it is. I love this site I really do but the fact that it even has to exist is a shame.

So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to be honest about everything from this point on. Whenever you talk to someone just be honest with them. This is especially true for your ex boyfriend. Remember, lying is what got you in trouble in the first place so you need to take the opposite approach here and just be honest with him.

Of course, you can’t be completely honest with him right off the bat. You kind of have to give him these short bursts of honesty.

Allow me to explain that a little bit more.

Short Burst Honesty

Lets say that you were to use a 30 day no contact rule after you break up with your ex boyfriend.

If you followed it like you were supposed to then you have had absolutely zero contact with your ex for 30 days straight. How well do you think it would go if you immediately sent him this long message declaring everything you were feeling and being honest about it?

The answer is NOT WELL!

Through my own experience here is the best way that I have discovered to use honesty.

Lets imagine that you and I are engaged in a texting conversation. Now, we are going to assume that the conversation is stimulating so both of us are engaged in it. Whenever I feel that the time is right I am going to send you a quick burst trust message like this:

honesty

(For more text message examples I want you to check out this page.)

This message is important for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it reinforces that the conversation you are having with your ex is an honest one. So, that automatically makes your ex boyfriend think you are being honest with him (which you are.) Secondly, it also creates a good feeling vibe. So, he is going to associate the honesty of the conversation you are having with good feelings and that is an excellent thing.

Do you kind of see how this works?

You engage him in a conversation and constantly sprinkle in these little reminders of how you enjoy this “honesty” thing.

Do this enough and he will start to paint you in an honest light.

Remember..

Honesty = Trust.

The Controlling Issue

obi-wan

You already know that I don’t like being controlled.

In fact, one of the reasons I put so much time and effort into this site is that so someday I won’t be controlled by the 9 to 5 lifestyle that so many men my age seemed to get sucked into.

The truth is that you will never be able to control another human being. You may want to but you will never be able to. This is important to realize. I have seen a lot of crazy things through this site and to this day there is a huge segment of women who I think are too controlling (but they just don’t realize it.)

This brings us to an interesting question..

Once someone feels controlled is it possible to regain their trust?

Yes, it is but YOU are going to have to make some serious changes.

Change Can Breed Trust

Feeling the need to control someone is a problem that needs to be extinguished. If you can’t get rid of it then there is no way you are going to be able to get your exes trust back.

A lot of you who are avid readers of this website may think you know me pretty well. I am well aware of the public perception that is “Chris Seiter.” You probably think I am gentle, laid back and NON controlling.

Well, I am.. but I didn’t always used to be.

The truth is that I had to learn to be that way and it was not easy to do. Change is one of the hardest things to do in this world. My father used to be a human resources manager for a huge Fortune 500 company. The other day he told me a story that really made me think about humans in general.

I used to visit the other branches of our business and look into their problems. I would talk with the owners of the franchises and they would often tell me that the employees were the problem but after doing some homework it became clear that THE OWNERS were the problem and not the employees. When I would sit down with the owners and explain to them what needed to change they would generally try their best to change and maybe things did change.. BUT only for a little while. In the long run they went right back to their old bad habits…

Temporary change is easy.

REAL change is not. That’s the trick. That is what you have to achieve.

During my first relationship I was a very controlling person (granted she was not saint either but still..) I sometimes think back to some of the things I did and cringe with how controlling I could be.

Why was I controlling?

Well, she was a bit of a flirt and after a certain amount of incidents occurred I had a lot of trouble trusting her with anything.

I am not like that anymore thankfully but the only reason why I am not is because I felt so ashamed of how I acted that I worked really hard to not be controlling anymore. I worked really hard on trusting people. Sure, any girl I date in the future I will still have some “left over” controlling feelings but I know exactly what to do with those feelings, push them aside.

Controlling someone often leads to a fight and I am not talking about the type of fights where something gets accomplished. I am talking about the type of fights where things get thrown and loud voices turn into screaming. What you need to realize is that being with someone who actually wants to be with you is a far greater reward than being with someone who you controlled to be with you..

How To Show Someone Your Not Controlling Anymore

That’s the trick isn’t it?

You can do all this work to change but if you can’t convince your ex boyfriend that you have, how is he going to trust you again?

Well, this is really where I think the no contact rule comes in handy. Most of you already know that I am a huge fan of the no contact rule but especially in this type of a situation where your ex boyfriend thinks that you were way too controlling. A woman who has the need to control often has an attachment to those who she does control.

I promise you that your ex boyfriend knows this so he is automatically expecting you to come back begging and be overemotional. However, if you are smart and implement the no contact rule for 30 days it is going to start making him think that you have changed. You aren’t the person that he thought you were and this is good because the person he thought you were was controlling.

Of course, the real question you are probably wondering is how do you let him know you are not controlling after the no contact period is up?

You can do this by suggestive texting.

Suggestive Texting

This is a clever little text message that I talk about in my book that you can use to demonstrate two things.

  1. That you are a sweet person (deep down 😉 )
  2. That you are not as controlling as he may have thought you were.

So, how does this text work?

Basically what you are going to do is wait until you have established a conversation with your ex. You are responding to him and he is responding to you. Somewhere within this conversation you are going to ask him what he is doing tonight and then you are going to suggest an activity that you may not have been ok with during your relationship. After you suggest the activity you are going to say something like “have fun.”

Here is how the text message should look:

trust controlling text

In the example above I chose to talk about hanging out with a friend. Maybe in your relationship with your ex boyfriend you weren’t ok with him hanging around a certain friend. Well, you can use that friend to your advantage by saying the “I hope you have fun with him” line.

By saying this your ex will think:

“Wow, is she ok with this now?”

Once you have him thinking that you are well on your way to seeming less controlling..

What to Read Next

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319 thoughts on “This Is How To Make Him Trust You Again”

  1. Avatar

    Saumya

    May 4, 2020 at 9:45 am

    Hi Chris!
    I had a 7 year old relationship. We broke up because of my constant lying. I have a friend of mine who is special to me because he has been there for me in worst time, and we were romantically involved over text once . I didn’t cheat on my bf. I and bf were on a breakup phase at that time. But now when we patched up he got to know about my friend and he never liked this fact that my friend is special to me. We have had fights over this topic for 3/4 times but I everytime lied to him if he asked me if I talked to my friend because I knew he had trust issues when it comes to me and my friend and he had started taking every little thing in the same direction indirectly even if it’s not meant to. He recently asked me about it and I lied to him that I didn’t talk to him but he caught me lying because he had access to my Instagram. In the conversation with my friend we both had confessed to each other that we are special for each other.I know I should not have lied ,lying is never an option but I did it so that we can have peace in our relationship. And now he has blocked me on whatsapp. Removed me from Instagram but still on Facebook.

  2. Avatar

    Jeanine

    August 27, 2019 at 6:19 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me on July 4th. I had got into a fight with my mom and wound up staying at his house for 4 days. We were only dating 2 months and went out on 4 dates, well the first two days were find we got along well, the last two days however we fought first over what I should do about my situation at home, whether I should stay there or go back home, then i took his car without telling him, he called the cops cause he thought I stole it and I didn’t, thankfully I wasn’t arrested then he said I can’t do this anymore, you need help. During the car ride home he said I deserve someone better, I’ll probably find someone before he does, I should just forget about him, act like he doesn’t exist and we never met, he’s not worth it, he’s weak, pathetic. He can’t deal with the craziness or deal with the crap eith my mom. When I got home after he dropped me off the next day, I text him and he said he wants me to get my life together and he couldnt talk to me for a long time.

    The following day he told me that he didn’t see how this was going to work out and he didn’t see us having a future together.

    He later found out that I lied to him, I told him I was pregnant when I wasn’t. He said what I did was unforgivable. Before this, he said if I got my life together and all he would talk to me down the line and even be friends and possibly even date again. He told me he’s not saying it’s 100% going to be with him, it could be with another guy. When he found out I lied, he said all that was out the window and he didn’t want to see or talk to me. I didn’t talk to him after that til 7/15…

    I was up at my cousins house in NJ cause things spiraled out of control at my house and I felt the need to apologize to my ex so I was going to send him a text, this was 11 days after the breakup, well my mom got a hold of him for me and did a three way call and he didn’t want to talk to me at first but did, he said he forgave me and accepted my apology but as far as us being together again that we never will and as far as us being friends we can’t at least not for a long time. Then he proceeded to say take this as a lesson learned if you do date again, don’t do this to another guy, don’t lie especially about this and be honest. I asked him how he was doing he said it’s rough but I’m pulling through. He said it’s best if I just forget about him. He didn’t ask me how I was doing or talked to me much during that conversation.

    I haven’t talked to him since then and since finding out that I lied about being pregnant he blocked me and hasn’t talked to me at all.

    I know what I did was wrong and I messed up his head and hurt him and he can’t trust me anymore. I feel so guilty over what I did and I feel like he hates me. I am so broken and miserable over this, I cry all the time. I asked him about giving me another chance his response was we’ve been through this, I just want this to end, everyone to get along, everything to go back to the way it was, everything’s a mess. Why is he doing this? It feels like he is pushing me away and don’t want nothing to do with me.

    How can I get him to talk to me again? How can I get him to trust me again? I do still care about him and would love to have another chance with him but is all hope lost?
    My family and friends tell me to get over it and move on but I can’t. I’m not over him and I can’t even imagine myself with another guy or starting over again. I want to be with him, he’s a nice guy and we got along so well when we were together, before I messes everything up.

    I don’t know if he’s deliberately avoiding me and trying to move on or if he’s already moved on and with someone else.

    What should I do in this situation? Is he worth fighting for to get back or is all hope lost and I should move on?

    Please Help!!!

  3. Avatar

    MozzySparrow

    July 13, 2019 at 4:06 pm

    My situation is very different. I’d be very surprised if anything, (apart from a miracle) can fix this. My ex and I were dating for 4 months. Everything, I mean everything was super super perfect. Almost idyllic. We never argued and spent an incredible time together. Then, out of the blue he dumps me after spending an incredible weekend together. And the reason is because his “angels” put doubts about me in his head and therefore he can no longer continue on with the relationship as he no longer trusts me. There was an incident where the gas on the cooker was left on. He then consulted the “angels” and they said I did it. He said that he adored me and was sorry that he had to come to that decision. This was just a few days ago and I am shocked to the core. I really started to love him and thought he felt the same. I miss him so much.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 13, 2019 at 10:08 pm

      Hi Mozzy…. I can understand how bewildering his explanation must have been to you. I don’t think “angels” have anything to do with our love life. I do think implementing No Contact is the right path for you for many reasons. Go take a look at my Program, “EBR Pro Relationship Bundle” as it think it will help you in many ways.

  4. Avatar

    Anastacia

    June 13, 2019 at 4:39 am

    My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago after a huge fight. (We’ve had our fair share of arguments, involving friends, family and difference in opinions) After our breakup, we would still occasionally text and see each other. However, he’s made no effort to patch things up. We haven’t seen each other for more than a month, but he used to occasionally reach out through text. Just last week, I went through his social media accounts and found that he’s been flirting with other girls. He got extremely mad that I invaded his privacy and said he would never be able to trust me again (It’s not the first time I’ve gone through his messages). He said he never wants to be with me again. What do I do? Is it too late to start no contact now? Is there a chance for this to still work?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 13, 2019 at 2:46 pm

      I think that NC would be a good fit for you Anastacia…but its important it implement it correctly so take a look at my Program that dives into the details.

  5. Avatar

    Anonymous

    May 23, 2019 at 9:22 am

    Hi,
    I have lied to my boyfriend about my past but after few days I told him everything. He broke up with me and said he can never trust me again but we are still good friends but I want him back in my life like we used to be. He used to love me so much but after that incident he doesnt show his emotions at all. What should I do to regain his trust?

  6. Avatar

    Addie

    May 8, 2019 at 2:31 pm

    Hello!

    So my boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago. We only dated for 3 months, but we both saw a future ahead of us. I had met his parents, his boss that he’s fond of and is like a second dad, and his best friends. He met my best friends, my brother, and I hadn’t introduced him to my parents yet, but my mom knew about him. I’m a pretty genuine person overall, but growing up with strict parents, I would tell them white lies about where I was or what I was doing in college so I could stay with my friends or go somewhere or etc. The problem is that it became second nature and I really believe (and so does he) that I started to lie in other aspects of my life. I don’t lie about big things, but I do tell very small white lies to either make myself look better or spare the other persons feelings or etc. I’m a very blunt person, as contradicting as that sounds, if you ask for my opinion, I’m very blunt. But I wasn’t as blunt in the relationship in his eyes because I still lied. I didn’t think I lied that often, but since I’ve had time to reflect, I realized I did quite a bit about dumb things that don’t need to be lied about.

    I also want to point out that I have not been in the very best place in my life over the last 7-8 months. I’ve not been my best self at all and I came to realize last week that I need to change a lot of things. An epiphany if you will. I made every excuse for myself whether someone did me wrong or I went through a shitty situation, I cashed in all those. The thing is that my ex is very smart and he saw through all of it. Mind you he was right that I don’t worry about myself very much, that I don’t trust myself which in turn I will turn to others too much to verify what I should do, I wasn’t being as productive as I can be, and just many more things. There was a lot wrong with me that I’m changing and that I’m working on. But I’m doing all of it for me, not for him; I’m getting myself better and I told him that and I’ve completely changed my life around within the past week. Now I’m just staying constant.

    But he hit his breaking point and he told me he can’t trust me. He said that his number one rule in a relationship is that he has to trust me and I knew that from the beginning, but it didn’t click with me until obviously it was too late. He said that he loved me and loved the time we had together and was ready to make a future later on, but if he can’t trust me, then how could he? He said he loves me as a person, but he hates that he can’t trust me. I asked him if it was possible to fix this because people have been through worse and I didn’t believe this should be a reason to break up and lose everything we created. He still broke up with me.

    I understand why he did and I don’t blame him. I kept telling him all the ways that I’ve been changing my behavior in the past week, but in that moment he couldn’t even trust that. I’m showing myself that I can be better for myself, but I also want to show him eventually. I asked him if I could contact him later on and see where we’re at and he said I can’t make any promises or give me hope, but nothing’s impossible so maybe.

    My question is what do I do? I asked my brother and my best friend and they both said to wait a month and my ex and I haven’t been in contact for the past couple of days. Do you think I should wait a month? Is that too much or too little? And even when I do talk to him, what do I say to him to show him that I’ve changed and I can be trusted? Do you think he would take me back?

    In the meantime, I’m getting myself better and focusing on myself. I know I’ll be successful in life and I know I want him next to me while we’re both being successful. By the way. He’s 28 and I’m 25. He’s very much into his career and I’m almost done with college, so I haven’t gotten to that place yet. But I love him and I know he loves me, I am committed to working this out.

    PLEASE HELP!!! Thank you!!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 9, 2019 at 12:16 am

      Hi Addie….I would advise you make sure you have a sensible ex recovery plan. I like that you are focusing on your recovery…focusing on “you” as that is a very important ingredient no matter what happens. But take a deeper dive into my Program which provides a blueprint to follow.

  7. Avatar

    Candy

    April 22, 2019 at 3:22 am

    Hi Chris,

    My now ex boyfriend broke up with me because we had made an agreement on me Keeping a certain friend of his blocked on social media and I had deactivated my social media account months ago and when I activated it again this certain person requested me and I accepted. The reason for me accepting was because it had been years and he had a relationship of his own and my now ex and I had discussed that we did not have hate for this person and would like to be cordial with him if we’d ever bump into him. So in my mind I didn’t think it was a big deal until this past weekend that this person tried to converse with me and get me to agree for him to come where I was staying , which I did not fall for it and shut him down immediately and unfriended him right after . Well this person I’m guessing was bitter about it and posted a picture stating he enjoyed sleeping around with other women while in relationship and proceeded to publicly post on social media a picture that had all the names of the women he tried contacting and I was in it . My now ex saw that sent me the screen shots saying he guesses I’m one of the many women that sleeps around on that list and was upset because I was supposed to have this person blocked but I had re added him a year later . I was upset that my now ex would think I would actually go along with this person and try to cheat on him because we were together for 5 years and I’ve never shown him that I am that type of woman . So I proceeded to tell him to ask this individual what was said so that he could know I shut him down. He continued to tell me it was over because he cannot trust me anymore and that he gathered my belongings and left them at my house. I cried and apologized a million times and even went to his place to try and make him understand that I was in no way unfaithful and to once again ask the individual what was said he then admitted that the individual said nothing happened that he tried to get me to meet with him but I refused , after that’s being said the individual chose to make things worst and call me a hoe . My now ex did not try to defend me knowing that I shut him down he chose to hear this individual call me a hoe and believe it. I don’t know what to do at this point i don’t want to lose him because I truly do believe he is my true love I even deleted all my social media accounts to prove it to him . I have not spoken to him for an entire day because this just happened yesterday but I just don’t know what would be the best thing to do. He is a very cold person and is very easy to cut people out of his life including family and friends. Should I not reach out to him? What if he moves on because I deleted my social media ? Will he even try to reach out to me if I give him 30 days ? I’m just very hurt and confused . Please help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 22, 2019 at 3:24 pm

      Hi Candy…it seems to me the implementing No Contact should be of benefit to you. I encourage you to tap into my Program and check out my 485 page eBook, “EBR Pro” as it delves into all the details of how you should proceed.

  8. Avatar

    College Girl

    April 9, 2019 at 12:20 am

    Hi Chris, my ex and I are currently in college and we had plans to get engaged after he graduated in two years (I graduate this year). But I was being controlling and he broke up with me a few days ago. I tried no contact but he kept messaging me casually. And eventually we sat down together and spoke about where we were. He said he loved me and he wanted to get back together but I needed to show him I changed. We both admitted we had no idea how to do this. Him specifically saying he wasn’t sure without just trying again. But he wasn’t ready to trust me for at least another few months. I don’t want to push him but I’m impatient and my life with change when I graduate. I don’t know how to prove to him I will change, especially when I’ll be so far away from him. Should I do no contact until his feelings overshadow his doubt?
    Thank you,
    College Heartbreaker

  9. Avatar

    Liz

    March 13, 2019 at 5:47 am

    I told my ex (who wanted too get back with me) I’d also like to try again but then I lied to him- he asked me if I was still chatting to this guy I’d been seeing when we were split and I said no but then he asked to check my phone so I had to come clean (I had been messaging him but only as friends, we’d known each other 15 years). So my ex said I can’t trust you and has just started to see someone else. What can I do, we have a child together as well!

  10. Avatar

    Shasta

    January 28, 2019 at 9:11 pm

    My story is quite a long one but here it is in a nut shell, my ex broke up with me then blocked me, about 2 months ago he unblocked me, we slowly started talking again and every feeling I had for him came back and are still there stronger then ever, I want nothing more then to be with him again, we hangout from time to time, have sleep overs and cuddle but i don’t know if it means anything to him or that if things will go back to the way they were because he chooses to let me stay there and cuddle, he says he can’t trust me because I lied about talking to a guy who is and always will be no more then a friend so now he thinks that whatever I say is a lie, how do I show him that I’m not gonna be the same person I was the first time we dated

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 28, 2019 at 11:26 pm

      Hi Shasta….i do think you would benefit by picking up my 485 page ebook, “EBR PRO”. You both would likely benefit by giving each other some space as right now his attitude is poisoned against you as he is coming from an emotional place.

  11. Avatar

    Praise

    January 25, 2019 at 6:31 pm

    Dear Chris,I and my boyfriend broke up some days ago because I pranked him telling him I was pregnant and I aborted which I really didn’t.. This led to him saying he can’t trust me and he told me I’m surrounded with so many guys..
    I and my friends tried begging him but it all proved abortive..
    I really had a great time with him
    And I love him,what should I do

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 25, 2019 at 10:37 pm

      HI Praise!

      Seems like a break (time and space) would be good for you both. Have you checked out my No contact Program. I have tons of information about his on my website…visit my home page and follow the links.

  12. Avatar

    Kelsey

    November 12, 2018 at 11:48 pm

    So my boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday because of an incident that happened the other day. I have been jealous that he helped an ex that has been increasingly showing interest again, but he has refused to erase from his life because he feels pity that the girl has no one to turn to and is recovering from an abusive relationship. He is a kind person that will do anything to help someone in need, but with her sex, drug, and alcohol addictions I was not comfortable with her in his life. After he took her to the hospital after a suicide attempt he refused to see me that night because he needed time to think about the day. I grew angry that he spent so much energy fixing this girl, but when I have problems he pushes me away. So I went to his house, banged on his door, called him a bunch, refused to leave, and eventually had to be escorted away by security. He told me that I betrayed his trust, made him feel uncomfortable and unsafe in his own home, and my actions caused me to lose him. I apologized and explained my reaction was out of extreme emotion, I will focus more on my regular therapy, and work hard to control my emotional outbursts and temper. He told me he will always love me, that he loved me with all his heart, and was completely in the relationship. We were talking about moving in together, marriage and planning an out of state move within the next year. He told me I was a great love of his life, but getting back together in the future would be the wrong move for him. Is there any way I can regain his trust and get him back? Overall we had a great relationship, but when the ex started to weasel her way back into the picture I went a little crazy jealous.

  13. Avatar

    Sofia

    November 2, 2018 at 5:55 am

    Hey Chris. I didn’t cheat on my ex boyfriend I just went to get my things from an ex without telling him first b/c he was mad at me. I didn’t cheat but i don’t know what my ex thought because he was heart broken and said he couldn’t trust me anymore and then broke up with me a week later. Do I still follow the instructions as if I cheated? And would I add that I didn’t cheat or do anything in the heartfelt apology I would send him? I just completed no contact about a week ago. Thanks!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 2, 2018 at 10:52 pm

      Hi Sofia!

      Some guys are ultra jealous and/or paranoid. If he is that way, that is his problem. Don’t take his emotional baggage home with you. Just be transparent and follow the program advice in give in my eBooks about the post breakup period.

  14. Avatar

    Libra Love

    October 16, 2018 at 12:09 am

    Hi Chris…thank you for your prompt response & I will review the plan.

  15. Avatar

    Libra Love

    October 15, 2018 at 2:28 am

    Dear Chris, I had been dating a guy 9yrs my senior (aka Gemini) for 10 yrs and he broke up with back in June b/c he said he couldn’t trust me anymore. When we met I was in the middle of a divorce (actually took 2 years…sigh). I was over my marriage & my children & I were vested into having a better life with Gemini. My relationship w/Gemini started off wrong. See while I was married, my husband won an all expense trip to Hawaii via his employer. We’d completely forgot about & it resurfaced during our separation. When I tried to back out of the trip his employer told him that I had to pay them the trip back in full (7k). I told Gemini about the trip & told him that I didn’t want to go. Anyway my husband said that he didn’t want to go & he would just pay the money back. At the last minute I decided to go. While waiting for take off my husband boards the plane! To make a long story short I lied to Gemini about my husband going….not just then but for years. All the while he knew that my ex went. Gemini knew the airline I was flying and had someone he knew check the manifest. He just never told me. So basically our relationship started off with a lie. I never wanted to tell him my ex went because for the first time I was in love and I didn’t want to lose him. Gemini would always bring up the trip & believes that my ex husband & I were romantically involved while there…ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! There have been other situations in our relationship that has further caused him to lose trust in me. He believes that have cheated on him and I never have. No matter how hard I try to convince him he just wont believe me. I have so much guilt weighing on me b/c I hurt the only man I have ever loved who since day 1 has been with me every step of the way. He is the man that I prayed for. But I have broken his heart. We were truly friends before we became romantically involved. We bared our souls to each other. We vowed that we would not do the hurtful things that others have done to us. But I did just that! I did everything I said I wouldn’t do. This man devoted his life to me, his children and my own. The last situation where I broke his trust happened 5 yrs ago where he feels that he feels I had sex w/someone and I never did. I’ve never wanted anyone but him. But he wont believe me. When he broke up with me I immediately started pouring out my soul to him and begging to get back together. I feel as though I’ve made matters worse & pushed him further away. He recently sent me a selfie and the caption read “This man was crazy in love with you.” He also recently told me that if I ever get into another relationship to never lie. I keep thinking about the times he told me that he prayed for a woman like me and that times when he wanted to leave God told him not to b/c we needed him. I promised him that I would never make those same decisions & I kept my promise. But he just wont believe me. My heart is shattered and I feel like I’m suffocating. I really want what’s best for him. But I’m afraid I’ve lost him forever. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 15, 2018 at 3:01 am

      Hi there Libra Love….so you have a lot you covered in your story. I suggest you take a close look at my ex recovery plan which I discuss on the home page of my site!

  16. Avatar

    Dahlia

    October 10, 2018 at 8:31 pm

    Hi
    I’m in a situation where my ex is convinced that I have been dishonest with him, but I have never actually lied to him about anything, and that I have made some insulting comments about him to someone, but I can’t actually remember doing this, and it doesn’t even make sense since almost nobody even knew we were dating

    He has still been showing some interest in me but keeps telling me he can’t trust me, will never trust me and that he believes nothing I say. He seems really really hurt but I feel falsely accused. It’s been several months since the breakup and he still keeps talking about how dishonest I supposedly am and nothing I say convinces him otherwise.

    What can I do to get him to believe I haven’t actually done anything? I’ve noticed trying hard to convince him only pushes him away, but ignoring the issue and talking about other things just results in him constantly bringing it up. What can I possibly do? It’s hard watching him so hurt over something that hasn’t even happened

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 11, 2018 at 4:38 am

      Hi Dahlia!

      Some guys are insecure, aren’t they? You really should not try doing anything if you have already been honest. Any actions you take will just cause him to be more suspicious. Best to be yourself and calm, expressing you regret he has these feelings. Don’t get drawn into a debate.

  17. Avatar

    A Girl

    April 20, 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Dear Chris,
    Thank you so much for all your advice. I bought your eBook 9 months ago when my boyfriend of 2 years found out I slept with someone else. It was definitely a number 5 blow on the scale and he expressed many times what you say: that he doesn’t think I care about him too much if I was able to do that The process of getting him back “worked” and after doing a brief no contact, apologizing and then being really consistent and adorable with him through his ups and downs for four months, he asked me to get back together. It was a really happy moment for both of us where we were excited. I resolved to keep working on it and being trustworthy, and to be honest, I thought it was going well.

    However a week ago, out of the blue, he sent me an e-mail ending things (without even a phone conversation) because he still is not sure whether I’ll do it again and it’s just ‘not working’. So far I only replied a brief letter accepting the break-up and wishing him all the best, but I am lost as to what else to do.

    Do you think there is still something to be done, or is his trust shattered beyond repair if it hasn’t gotten better? Is it useful to move on, or to take action so he sees I care about him?

    I’m afraid if I follow typical strategies, he will only get proof of what he already thinks: that he was really not my priority, if I am moving on “so quickly” and doing nothing to get him back… I have trouble with all this because I can’t bear the thought of chasing someone if they ‘push me away’, I’m a big fan of NC and being cool, but again, maybe these situations are an exception.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 20, 2018 at 3:47 pm

      Hi A Girl (lovely name!)…the good news is he agreed to get back, so it shows it can happen again. Trust is a fickle thing when its broken, but it definitely can be rebuilt over time. I agree, jealousy ploys won’t work here. I think you need to give him some space, but I also think he needs to hear a little something from you that gives him something to think about. Right now, it appears he has a splinter in his mind and he is rolling it over and over, causing him to behave as he did, thinking negatively. So the idea is to replace this splinter with something a little more comforting, then giving him some space to let him roll over and over something that it more positive. Consider telling him you fully understand he uncertainties. Don’t apologize though. You have already done that I am sure. But consider telling him that you want him, only him. So you will not be seeing other men during this period of reconsideration. But you will honor his request and give him space. So by using words like reconsideration…not seeing other men…you are trying to transplant some thoughts in his mind to let him chew on. You are in effect trying to re-draw the situation between the two of you. Then use this time of “giving him some space” to focus on your own healing and using social media to reinforce what it is you have told him by being a little philosophical…using quotes that express appreciation for love and the goodness of special people in your past. An occasional pic of you and he doing something together. Your a landscape of what you want him to see, because most men will follow and check up on their exes.

      Finally, looking into my Private Facebook Group (website Menu/Products link). It is about 1400 women strong, who offer a wealth of information to each other. I also do weekly Facebook “Live” webcasts there. I think you will fit in really well and it would benefit you in all sorts of ways.

    2. Avatar

      A Girl

      April 23, 2018 at 7:39 pm

      Dear Chris,
      This helps so much, thank you! It is amazing that you stop by the blog and reply yourself. No wonder your clients are all over you 🙂

      I’ll keep in mind the different social media strategy and maybe write him a positive e-mail. The issue is, I don’t even think it’s a period of reconsideration (for him), rather, he “ended” things… but I do think he did it in the heat of a moment of doubts because he was all right before that. Will let you know how it goes, hehe.

      All the best! xx

    3. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2018 at 8:38 pm

      Hi again “A Girl”….I think I am going to rename you “A Real Sweetheart”! I appreciate the kind words and glad you can soak up some knowledge her. Indeed, it is not unusual for guys to get confused about what they want and emotions can send them off into directions, not intended. Please keep me in the loop. And if you need some individual Coaching or are seeking the advantages of my Private Facebook Support Group (about 1500 women now), just click on my website Menu/Products link and explore. Look forward to hearing how things progress for ya!

  18. Avatar

    Melissa

    April 12, 2018 at 12:36 pm

    Hi, 5 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend. I was completely honest about it and he took me back after a couple of days no contact. But then later lied to me for 3 weeks about a girl he was snapchatting (it’s a long story but he said it was a friend he’d met recently, but turned out to be a girl he’d had a thing with before we met. When I originally asked him who she was he got very angry and deleted his snapchat account on the spot which I found very suspicious). He said nothing dodgy had happened and that they were just chatting, but I think this knocked my trust in him completely. He only admitted to lying after I had found out who it was myself and told him to tell me the truth.
    After this I became quite jealous and controlling and started picking fights all the time. I told him I knew I was being horrible but I just didn’t know how to change back to how I used to be and that maybe I should talk to a professional and he kept saying ‘you’re not that bad, you could be so much worse, just give it time’. So I did…then one night he was staying at a friend’s house (a guy) before going away to work offshore for a month (which he has to do very frequently atm). They had gone out for dinner/drinks and for some reason I completely panicked (earlier that day I had been panicking about him going offshore for the first time and said some nasty things) and called him over and over until he finally picked up. I shouted at him down the phone for no reason and he broke up with me. I called him loads that night until he told me to stop. We carried on talking for most of the time that he was away, but whenever I asked what was going on he said we weren’t together. He agreed to meet up with me when he came back and I stupidly slept with him and he said he was ‘on the fence’ about the whole thing and didn’t want to be in a relationship because he doesn’t want to get hurt anymore. The next day he was going to stay with a friend on the other side of the UK for a week or two (just for a holiday) and said ‘I’ll see you when I get back’, but then became quite distant while at his friend’s house. So I got angry because I felt led on and messed around and I obviously came across as clingy again. I called him and he said he doesn’t think we should get back together because he doesn’t think I’ve changed my jealous/controlling behavior and he doesn’t think I will change in the future. This was 5 days ago and I’ve been on NC since. We’ve been broken up for a month and a half now and we met up 2 weeks ago. We also matched on Tinder yesterday which I don’t understand at all…(I was only on Tinder to try to distract myself from thinking about him constantly).

    I’m not sure how long to do NC for, because obviously I cheated on him 5 months ago and when he broke up with me he said ‘you’ve probably already got someone else lined up anyway’ etc. which implies that he still feels angry and betrayed about that. Also when I called him 5 days ago to ask what was going on I was out having coffee with a gf and he asked where I was and who I was with which makes me think he was jealous (I was vague and told him I was out with school friends). But at the same time the reason he broke up with me was for being jealous, controlling and insecure. He’s going back offshore for 1-2 months in 3 days time btw.

    Do you think I should do NC for 2 weeks because I cheated on him and I want to show him that his opinions of me ‘already having someone else lined up’ etc are wrong? Or should I do NC for 30 days to show that I can change and I’m not as needy and desperate as he thinks?

    Thank you so much in advance for your help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 12, 2018 at 4:44 pm

      Hey Melissa…thanks for stopping by! Lots of stuff going on, right! These are good questions you ask. I think 21 days is usually a sweetspot, but it varies from couple to couple. Consider some of the resources I have here at the site (Menu Section/Products link). You would likely benefit from having a more comphrehensive blueprint of what to do when, why, how, etc. That is why I put these ebooks together. Plus, if you feel you would benefit from my popular Private Facebook Group, you can learn more to about that at that link. I think you are going to get through this, but you might need some guided help along the way!

  19. Avatar

    Rhea

    March 16, 2018 at 6:01 pm

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half. I’m the type of girl that mostly had guy friends, and I my past relationship was horrible. I moved on from all of that and met my boyfriend well he’s actually my ex boyfriend now because I did him wrong. Basically, I found him really controlling and being a hypocrite where he’d do whatever he wants but always got mad at me if I were to do the same. He is also really overprotective. A year later, he went off to university 2 and a half hours away from home, whereas I stayed home and went the local university. Me and his cousin had started talking, around the time my boyfriend left, I never liked his cousin because I always believed him to be a bad influence. Basically after my boyfriend left for university he really neglected me, like he was always busy partying or with his new friends. The first day he was there, he was in a car with 4 other girls smoking. I’m not the type of person to call him out on something like that because I really trust him and he’s extremely loyal. Anyways, he even forgot to wish me on my birthday; he sent a snapchat message and that is all. I spoke to him about it but I still felt neglected, so I wanted to go on a break with him. On the other hand, I started talking to his cousin and I’d always talk to him about my boyfriend and I guess his cousin kind of took advantage of me but we never did anything besides flirt on text and I met up with him once while I was hanging out with my cousin and her two best friends, we just all went to the mall and walked around and talked that’s all. I never told my boyfriend but his cousin went and told him and the same day I felt really bad because my boyfriend really loves me and cares about me and he felt really guilty and I put him through all that guilt, on top of that his cousin went and told him I was flirting around with him and we met up and stuff so my boyfriend got really hurt hearing that. He mistook it as that I wanted to leave him to mess around with other guys which really wasn’t true. My boyfriend and I sorted that out and we got back together. He was still hurt but I gained his trust back and we gave each other a fresh start. At the same time however what I found really odd was that his best friend is a girl, whereas he would get mad at me for even talking to a guy. He was still distant with me and I felt like he was getting close with her but being with him makes me extremely happy, I basically thought he was just hurt and wants space. Things kind of became normal again after 2 weeks, but I still felt lonely because he was busy so I talked to some other of my guy friends and I don’t know why i went and vented to them about how much I hate my boyfriend because I guess he just wasn’t there for me but I do love him and the guys were all like oh you deserve better and this and that. I don’t know I kind of fell for their bullshit and we flirted a bit but I knew it was wrong. I hung out with one of my guy friends, we just went and got mcd and then chilled and talked thats all. My mom was late so he offered to drop me home, that’s all. I stopped talking to guys and cut everyone off because I realized I did this all before and it ruined my relationship and I didn’t want to go through it again so I cut everyone off and focused on my relationship. My boyfriend logged in to my account randomly and read everything, but I did stop everything and I never really did anything wrong, I really love my boyfriend. He feels hurt and betrayed and lied to. I really love him and I know he loves me but I just need him back and I can really show him that I stopped everything and he’s the only one that matters and I’m trying to give him space but I can’t help it, I’m so afraid of losing him. Me and him have been through so much in life and we’ve helped each other through a lot and we moved on together. I really can’t lose him, all I know is that I keep messing it up and making him feel its his fault and I’m doing it because of him but at the same time these are my actions. I don’t want to or mean to hurt him. I really don’t know what to do, I can’t lose him.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 17, 2018 at 4:02 pm

      Hi Rhea,

      Are you going to do the advice above? And you need to change your social media password.

  20. Avatar

    clara

    March 11, 2018 at 10:28 pm

    was dating him for a very intense 2 months (I know it is short but we both felt it really strong). He said something rude to me following a discussion we had. I got really hurt by the example he gave. I impulsively told him that if he thought that of me, he could go out. I was so angry I was asking why he would think that and isolated myself. I calmed in about 5min then realised he did go! I ran after him but he still got his train, regardless I came all the way to apologize to him. He decided that was it and he broke up. He does not want to acknowlegde I could be hust by his words, he thinks he did nothing wrong and will not forgive my behaviour of having “kicked” him out. I tried explaining myself and how I felt hurt, but by text I think I made it worse.This is an overreacting issue which was caused by a hurtful comment. I apologized many times for my reaction, I cannot do more.
    I want him back so I do not want to hurt him and want to let him miss me:( I want him to forgive me and that we talk and fix it as we were getting to know each other.
    Do you think I have a chance if I do not contact him until his birthday in 3 weeks (which I will wish to him)? or will he have completely moved on? Do you think having kicked him out is a very serious non negociable mistake? he thinks it is 🙁 I want to move on because I am in pain of loosing him, but I have my dignity I do not want to chase someone who does not want me. So would that sound like something that can be saved? or the short time is not enough to have a bond that is created both ways?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 14, 2018 at 4:54 pm

      Hi Clara,

      It would be chasing if you still contact him because if you really didn’t like what he said, he should be the one apologizing…

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