I have often wondered if there was a method in which you can employ to regain your ex boyfriends trust.
This site has been in existence for about a year and throughout that year one simple question has haunted me:
“How do you get an ex boyfriend to trust you again if he feels like you betrayed him?”
I hesitated to tackle this subject because I felt like I was over-matched by it. You see, I am the type of person that is a perfectionist. Everything that I write about on this site is something that I pour my heart and soul into. I am dedicated into making Ex Boyfriend Recovery THE premier ex boyfriend site in the entire world. So, when I don’t know something I make it my mission to figure out the solution.
Well, I think I have figured it out, the method on how to regain someones trust. It’s not going to be an easy road but I think I have it all figured out. I would like to introduce you to my complete guide on how to regain an ex boyfriends trust.
But before we really dive into the “trust theory” I feel it is important to mention something.
Some Men Will Not Trust You
Scary title huh?
Let me ask you a question. Do you want me to tell you the truth?
Hopefully you do but in the rare case that you don’t this is for you:
All men will trust you. No matter what happens all you have to do is talk to a man and he will trust you with his heart and soul.
The real truth about men is that there will be some that will not trust you no matter what you say or do. I thought a lot about this when I was researching for this guide.
I guess the real question becomes what causes these men to not ever be able to forgive a woman and trust them again? Lets tackle that right now.
The Forgiveness Factor
Whenever a woman asks me a question about what she can do internally to get a boyfriend back I always seem to mutter the words “forgiveness” or “forgive yourself.”
It’s funny though because if I was in a situation where I felt I was wronged by a woman I honestly don’t know how I would react to it. Would I be able to forgive her or would I hold it against her for the rest of my life? I’d like to think that I am a forgiving person but even I have my limits.
This brings me to my next point..
As I outline in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO some men have a hard time forgiving people.
I think in the end it all boils down to how bad they feel they were wronged. For example, if a woman cheated on me multiple times with multiple different men I am not sure I could forgive her for that. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not in my nature to be a mean person but I would definitely not want to date her again because she would have betrayed my trust multiple times.
Now, lets talk about a similar scenario but not quite as extreme.
Lets say that I was dating a girl and she cheated on me but she didn’t go as far as to sleep with another guy, she just ended up kissing him. Not a full blown make out but a long kiss that lasts about a second in a half. I honestly think that if that happened to me I would be able to forgive a girlfriend for it BUT it would take some time and I would hold it against her for a long while… maybe forever.
Holding It Against You
I think for most people trust is placed very high on the list of “attributes” in an ideal partner.
So, when something happens that devalues that “trust attribute” forgiveness is not going to be achieved right away. Remember, trust is really important to most guys (especially when it comes to good looking women who get hit on a lot.) I would say that you should expect a guy to hold whatever you did (to cause him to lose trust in you) against you for a while.
It’s only human to have doubts in your mind when you have been wronged before. A guy may think:
“Will this happen again? What if I lose her? Am I not enough for her?”
In some cases men can be more insecure about women when it comes to this kind of stuff.
One of my best friends in the world dates girl who is pretty fond of going to parties. I remember this one time where he called me in the middle of the day and said:
“Chris, she is going to a party and her EX BOYFRIEND is going to be there…. she didn’t even invite me to go :(.”
The fact that his girlfriend didn’t invite him to the party really upset him and made him mad. His mind was racing with all kinds of possibilities.
“What could she be doing?”
“Her ex is there.. is she going to get back with him?”
Luckily, she just wanted some time away from my buddy and her friend had invited her to the party. The fact that her ex boyfriend was there was purely a coincidence. In fact, I later found out that she didn’t even talk to her ex boyfriend.
How did I find this out?
Well, my buddy got so worked up over it that he crashed the party which in turn caused one of the greatest couple arguments of our time..
The main point here is that for the next few months my friend held this incident against her. He would always bring it up whenever they got into a fight and cited it as a reason for why he couldn’t trust her.
Five years later and they are still together and this incident isn’t even mentioned anymore.
So, while it may suck for a guy to hold something against you it is just a matter of expecting it to happen and enduring it, it won’t last forever.
Unless of course…
A Man Who Holds Something Against You Out Of Spite
There will always be men who are mean spirited.
When it comes to “holding something against you” there are men out there that will never let you live down any mistake you make. These are the type of guys that will literally bring up your mistake for the rest of your relationship. You may think that the mistake you made hurt them and maybe it did but I think there is more to the pain.
Some men have extremely big egos. They will walk around like they are gods gift to the world, like they are untouchable. So, when a woman actually does something hurtful to them instead of forgiving her down the road they hold it against her to punish her.
It really is a sick practice but there will be some men that will react this way when they feel hurt.
Still a little confused?
I find the best way to understand these situations is with examples.
Let’s say that you and I dated.
Throughout our relationship you consistently lied to me and even cheated on me. Of course, the lying and cheating caused an eventual breakup. Right now in this fake example I have ZERO trust in you. That means it would be your job, during the breakup period, to try and regain my trust. For the purposes of this example lets say that you do just that, make me trust you again. When we begin dating for the second time you are under the impression that I have forgiven you for all your mistakes but deep down I have not. In fact, I am holding your mistakes against you the entire time we are together in our new relationship. I am not only holding them against you because I am hurt I am also holding them against you as a way to control you.
You see, whenever you do something that I don’t like I am going to bring your past mistakes up out of anger as a way to control you. It all derives from a place of pain. You hurt me so I felt I lost control over you. As a way to regain that control I am going to use your past mistakes as a bargaining chip to not only give you a massive guilt trip but as a way of making myself feel better, a way of gaining more control over you.
Welcome to the mind of men…
Common Mistakes That Can Cause An Ex To Lose Trust In You
In this section we are going to be talking about all the ways in which a (now) ex boyfriend may have lost trust in you.
I think the main point I want to make here is that there are literally thousands of different things that someone can do to make you lose trust in them. I am just going to be focusing on the most common situations. So, if you read through this and are unable to find a situation that lines up perfectly with what you are experiencing don’t freak out. Once we start getting into the actual ways in which you can work on regaining your exes trust you are going to learn that the tactics I teach can be applied in almost every situation.
Now, before I start getting into the ways that you can butcher your exes trust there is a concept that I need to explain to you.
Mistake Point Scale
This is something I thought about a lot when I was creating my book.
Not all mistakes are created equally.
It’s pretty much common sense that if you cheat on your boyfriend it is going to be a whole lot worse than telling a little lie to him. While both of these examples can cause a boyfriend to lose trust in you one is definitely worse than the other.
This got me thinking..
“What if I came up with a way in which someone can just glance at a mistake and know how bad it is.”
That is why I decided to create the mistake point scale. What is it?
Well, it’s a way in which you can glance at a mistake and know how bad it is.
MPI (Mistake Point Scale)
5 = Very hard time regaining trust.
4 = Hard time regaining trust.
3 = Trouble regaining trust.
2 = Regaining trust will be challenging but it can definitely happen if you put work into it.
1 = Easy to regain trust.
The way this scale works is pretty simple. Whenever I talk about a “trust mistake” I am going to assign it a number. That number will dictate how hard it will be to get your ex boyfriends trust back if you committed that particular mistake. For example, lets say that you told a lie. It wasn’t a huge lie but it was a lie. I would assign that mistake a (2.)
Do you kind of get the scale now?
Yes? No? Maybe?
Whatever, we are moving on.
Cheating (By Sleeping With Someone Else) MPI- 5
I wanted to start off with a bang…
(Ok, that pun was not intended.)
In my opinion there are two types of cheating. There is the type that involves kissing (and maybe “touching”) and then there is the type of cheating where you go all the way and sleep with someone who isn’t your boyfriend. As you can see from the title of this section I assigned the cheating by sleeping with someone an MPI rating of 5.
If you reference the MPI scale above you would notice that this means that if you perform this type of trust mistake you are going to have a very hard time regaining your exes trust.
Cheating by sleeping with someone is the ultimate betrayal. I don’t know how else to put it other than that.
Why is this such a mistake?
Well, right now I am assuming that you and your boyfriend are now “ex” but lets pretend for a moment that you were able to get him back. The main problem you are going to be facing is that for the rest of the time that you are with him he is going to constantly think back to that time that you cheated on him.
It is going to make him uncomfortable and insecure every time you go out and are around other men.
This is really the headwind you are going to be facing. So, how do you get rid of this headwind?
That’s the trick isn’t it? Well, in my opinion for you it’s all about showing your man that he is just that, your man!
I will talk about how to do this a little bit later.
Cheating (By Kissing Or “Touching”) MPI- 4-5
When the word “cheating” is thrown around everyone automatically assumes that sex is involved but actually cheating by kissing or “touching” can be just as bad when it comes to trust.
Now, the first thing you probably noticed is that I assigned this type/s of cheating an MPI rating of 4-5. Allow me to expand on that a little bit.
I think that when you are dealing with an ex boyfriend anything from 2nd base or beyond is going to be considered a 5 on the MPI scale. However, if we are talking about just kissing here I would assign that “sin” as a 4. Make no mistake about it, anything in the 4-5 range is really bad.
Just like with the section above an ex boyfriend is always going to have your cheating in the back of his mind so that is some headwind you are going to have to face here as well.
Of course, I am the type of person that always tries to find the silver lining in tough situations. So, when I look at this type of cheating I see one silver lining.
While it is never good to cheat (that shatters everyone’s trust) if you cheated just by kissing another guy then you are going to be in a much better position. Look, we are all human beings here and all of us make mistakes.
Speaking of mistakes…
I have these theories that I think can help explain some of the mindset behind cheating.
Replication Theory & Emotional Theory
If you look at the human species purely from an evolutionary perspective you can learn some interesting things.
Firstly, men and women aren’t made to be together forever.
Think about it.
We are all put here for two reasons:
- To Survive
- To Replicate
Survival meaning to eat, sleep and find shelter!
Replication meaning to procreate.
When you understand these principles it isn’t hard to figure out why men feel the need to cheat. Since men carry the means to procreate it is very hard to tie them down. It is in a mans nature to find as many partners as possible and ensure the survival of the human race.
Take a look back at caveman times. I doubt that the first cavemen were loyal to just their one woman. No, they probably knocked up as many cavewomen as they could. What I have just described here is a scientific explanation for why men are horny.
This brings us to you.
We already know that one of the main reasons that men cheat is because they get horny but women often cheat for other reasons.
Lets go back to our evolutionary perspective for a moment.
We know that men have a green light on their “horny” urges but women are the opposite. While it is true that women can get horny they have a problem that trumps their horniness, pregnancy.
You see, any caveman can sleep with a woman and just walk away with no consequences. Cavewomen on the other hand have to be more selective with who they sleep with because the consequence of being pregnant always looms. Even with the introduction of birth control this evolutionary feeling of being pregnant is in the back of the head of every woman. As a result, women don’t cheat on their men because they get horny, they cheat when they don’t get what they need emotionally.
Hopefully that sheds some light on a subconscious level on why humans feel the need to cheat.
Lets move on and look at a few more reasons that can cause an ex to lose trust in you.
You Lied MPI 1-4
Before I say anything about lying I just want to point out that I created an entire guide on lying here. So, if you really want an in-depth look at the male mind and lying you might want to check it out. Of course, in this section we aren’t going to be focusing on the male mind. We are going to be focusing on YOU!
You may have noticed that I assigned lying an MPI rating of 1-4. That is a pretty big discrepancy. So, allow me to expand on that.
Imagine for a moment that you are dating me. I tell you that I really like your cooking when I really don’t. Technically, this is a small lie. Now, if somewhere down the road you find out that I lied to you it is probably going to hurt your feelings and you may doubt if I am telling the truth from that point on. However, in the end it is something that you would probably be able to get over. I would assign this type of small lie a 1 on the MPI scale.
Lets kick things up a notch now and pretend that I am a compulsive liar. This means that I am constantly lying to you and you know it. With every lie I tell you I keep losing your trust (no matter how small the lie.) Eventually it gets so bad that you don’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth because you can’t trust that I am telling you the truth.
This culmination of lies can lead to an MPI rating of a 4. That means you are in a really bad position.
Imagine if you did this type of stuff to your ex boyfriend?
Every time you say something and want to be taken seriously you won’t be because your ex will doubt how honest you are being. That is a lot of headwind to face.
So, I suppose the question becomes how can you make your ex boyfriend believe you when you talk to him about something serious?
I am going to teach you how but that will be a little bit later. For now lets just move on to the next trust mistake.
Controlling Him MPI 3-4
I was having an interesting conversation with a friend the other day.
She asked me what my thoughts on possessiveness were and I provided her with the following statement:
At the beginning of every new relationship I think that both the man and the woman are obsessed with eachother. I believe we call this the “honeymoon period.” Both parties in the relationship actually enjoy the obsessiveness. Of course, the initial obsession that both the man and woman feel will eventually die down. For arguments sake lets say that the mans feelings start to normalize but the woman still feels the initial obsession. This can become dangerous because that obsessiveness can evolve into possessiveness and that is not a healthy place to be.
This is where control begins to creep in. When you feel so possessive of a person that you feel the need to tell them what to do, how to act and what to wear.
Lately I have been wondering why we as humans feel the need to control people in relationships. Make no mistake about it there is always going to be someone, that deep down, we wish we could control.
The truth is that when it comes to relationships it is impossible to control your significant other. That person is always going to do what they want to do. It is up to you to show them that being with you is in their best interest and you know how you are supposed to do that?
BY NOT TRYING TO CONTROL THEM ;).
You may have noticed that I assigned this mistake as a 3-4 on the MPI scale.
I suppose what it all comes down to is preference. Some men absolutely despise being controlled. I would be a member of this distinguished club. For me, any time a woman tries to control me it really makes me angry. Look, I pride myself on being someone who is loyal and trustworthy. I work very hard to gain that kind of trust from women so when they try to control me it really upsets me. For me, a woman who controls me is an automatic 4 on the MPI scale.
Not all men are like me though.
Deep down there will be some men that kind of like being controlled. They like the thought that there is a woman out there that cares enough about them to control their actions. However, even these men have their limits. If you are too controlling to a man like this you will probably wind up with a 3 on the MPI scale.
The thing to remember about all of this is that it is very possible to gain your exes trust back.
This brings us to our next point, how to actually get the trust back.
How To Get Your Ex Boyfriends Trust Back
This section is going to have a pretty straightforward setup.
Basically it is going to tie directly into the mistakes I talked about above.
Why am I doing this?
Well, because every situation is different and how you approach each of those situations requires a certain amount of finesse and if I were to give you the generic “one advice fits all” you would most likely fail.
Of course, I do want to point out that there will be one difference in the things that I am going to be covering. If you look at the mistake section above you will notice that there are 4 major mistakes that I cover. If you look through this section you will notice that there are only 3. The reason for this is that I have combined the two types of cheating that I discuss above into one.
Other than that lets get started.
You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend… Time To Get Him To Trust You Again
I wanted to start with this one because this is probably the hardest thing to come back from.
If you have cheated on your ex boyfriend there is no way he is going to trust you. This is something that you have to understand right out of the gate. Trust is something that is earned over time so you are going to have to really put in the work to earn it.
Why am I telling you this?
Because in order to gain back his trust you are going to have to make sacrifices and these sacrifices are going to have to be made with no guarantees that you will succeed in making him trust you again. In other words, you are going to have blind faith that what you are doing is going to work.
Unfortunately, blind faith is something that very few people have but honestly it is the only way.
So, what are some of the sacrifices you are going to have to be making.
Swearing Off Other Men For A While..
They are the reason you are in this predicament. Well, actually YOU are the reason you are in this predicament if you cheated (in any form) but still, those other men are to blame too. Your ex boyfriend is probably going to be very angry with you. He will call you names, say hurtful things and probably not want to talk to you again for a long time.
In spite of all this anger one thing is certain..
HE WILL BE CHECKING UP ON YOU!
Now, if you had cheated on me (which caused a breakup) I can tell you that I would be checking up on you from time to time. I would do this through mutual friends, Facebook or whatever other social networks you are a part of. Imagine if I checked up on you one day and learned that you were always hanging out around other guys. To make matters worse any time I checked your Facebook account I would see you out with with other guys.
Now, for someone trying to get their ex boyfriend back a little jealousy can be a good thing. However, I think in the case where you cheated on him a little jealousy can quickly turn into anger and leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. This bad taste could potentially cause him to never want to talk to you again.
So, swear off other men for a while. It doesn’t have to be forever it just has to be long enough for you to try the method I am about to outline.
Remember that blind faith stuff I was talking about? Well, this is it.
Don’t worry all this ignoring other men is going to pay off but you will have to wait a bit to see how.
Contact Or Not?
There seems to be a lot of debate about this topic.
Some women believe that giving a man some space to work out his feelings is the best way to approach the situation. Others are stern on their decision to contact their ex immediately and go on an apologizing rampage.
So, whats the best way to approach this situation?
Well, I am a fan of apologizing if you did something wrong BUT I am a fan of doing it in the right way. In my opinion the best way to handle the situation is to do no contact but knowing all I know now (as compared to when I started this website) I don’t think a full 30 days NC period is required. Instead, I think you should shoot for 15 days.
Here is how this will break down.
We already know that a breakup has occurred. So, instead of apologizing immediately (when you know that your ex boyfriend is angry at you) you should apologize after the no contact period is up. Of course, if you are a no contact period for 30 full days your ex boyfriend is likely to get very angry at you if you keep ignoring his messages during that 30 days. So, what you want to do is cut the no contact period in half.
I think that 15 days is enough time for him to “kind of” get settled down emotionally.
If you don’t know what the no contact rule is then I recommend you visit my guide on it.
So, before I move on lets do a quick recap on what we have learned so far.
- It’s not a good idea to talk to a lot of men (romantically.) You should probably swear them off for a while.
- Instead of doing a 30 day no contact period you are going to do a 15 day one.
“Your The Only One For Me” Theory
I know what you are thinking…
“Oh god.. not another one of his theories.”
But I promise you that this one is pretty important!
Every man that has walked this earth has at one time had one simple thought “I wish I had a girl that only had eyes for me..”
In reality most men only think that they want that as I explained last week with this guide (but we don’t have time to go into that.)
By cheating on your ex boyfriend you have shattered any fantasies that he has had of you thinking that you were the only one for him. That fact alone is some serious headwind that you are going to have to overcome to get him to trust you again. From this point on I want you to approach the situation with this mindset:
Everything I do has to be done with one goal in mind, to make him think that I am the only one for him.
The truth is that you may not be… BUT he has to think you are. You can’t get him to trust you again if he doesn’t feel that. Also, I want you to notice how this ties directly into everything I was saying with the “don’t be with other guys” part of this section. He definitely won’t think that you only have eyes for him if he sees you eying other guys. That’s just common sense.
Every single text you send.
Every single communication you have.
EVERYTHING has to be done with the greater purpose of making him think that you only care about him (even though deep down it may not be true.)
This brings us to an interesting predicament. You may have the urge to, right out of the gate, go into some long explanation for why you have changed and how all you care about is him.
Don’t do this.
His trust is not something that you are going to win back right out of the gate. Instead, you are going to have to carefully prime your ex boyfriend for this to happen.
Lets talk a little about how to do that now.
Priming An Ex Boyfriend (After You Cheated)
It would be a little weird if out of the blue you texted your ex boyfriend this big long apology about how you were wrong and how you feel horrible and blah blah blah. I have actually gotten these before (after I have been wronged) and I can honestly say that it just annoys me.
Well, I am not in the right state of mind to hear an apology.
This is why I recommend doing a brief 15 day no contact rule so you can pre-prime your ex boyfriend.
Now, when I talk about priming what do I mean?
Well, in order to get the best results with anything regarding trust you have to make sure your ex is in the right mindset to talk about it. In order to do that you have to prime him. You can do this by putting yourself on good terms with him. Think of it like this. Once you start talking to your ex boyfriend again he is going to probably be wondering when you will apologize (which you won’t be doing until he is properly primed to hear it.) This anticipation will help with the priming.
The point is to get on the best terms possible with him. How do you do that? Well, this whole site is full of information on getting on good terms with your ex so do some digging. What I am interested in talking about here is what to say when you have him primed.
I have never recommended this before but I think these circumstances are special.
I want you to compose a long text, email or Facebook message to your ex boyfriend (ONLY WHEN HE IS PRIMED TO HEAR IT.)
The point of the message is to kind of put your cards on the table. There can be no games here. I want this message to accomplish three things:
- Admit what you did was wrong.
- You haven’t been able to talk to other men.
- You feel horrible about everything.
I am going to give you an example of how I would compose this message but first there are a few things I want to note. This is not a message where you are declaring your undying love. It’s not a message where you are going to ask to date your ex again. In fact, I don’t want you to expect anything from this message. I just want you to do this so your ex can know where you stand.
Hopefully if you do this right it will get him thinking that you have turned over a new leaf and he can start taking the necessary steps to potentially start trusting you again.
So, if I was in your shoes how would I compose a message like this?
Here is how:
I know that you and I are broken up and I am not trying to start anything here but I just need to get something off my chest (you may have intentions to get back with him (which you won’t be talking about) but saying this phrase will put him at ease.) I want you to know that I was wrong for what I did to you. I think about it a lot and I am ashamed of myself. (The purpose of this is to show him that you are sorry and that you know you were wrong.) I actually haven’t even been able to look at another man since what happened, happened (Tapping into that “your the only one for me” mindset.) because I have been so ashamed of myself. I just feel horrible about everything and I know that you won’t ever be able to look at me the same but I do just want to tell you from the bottom of my heart… I am sorry.
Lies And How To Overcome Them
If you lied to your ex boyfriend getting his trust back is going to be a lot easier than if you cheated on him. This is just a simple fact.
Of course, I don’t want you to let this go to your head. It’s not like this is going to be an easy task.
We are assuming that your breakup was caused by YOUR LYING. This means that you are going to have some work ahead of you because right now your ex boyfriend can’t trust anything you say. So, the main goal in this section is going to be to find a way to make your ex boyfriend believe you when you talk to him about anything serious.
In relationships your word is your bond.
If you break it then how is your ex boyfriend supposed to trust you?
One thing I have learned about women is that you really value honesty. You see, most men don’t understand that fact. Most of us are still under the impression that all women want is to hear what they want to hear.
In other words, lies.
Of course, most men have never tried to play the opposite side of the coin. So, instead of pretending to be something that they aren’t they just be who they are and aim to be brutally honest with women. I tried it and it works like a charm. Seriously, chicks dig honesty.
You see, women love it because they know when they look a man in the eye and he is telling the truth they can trust him and having that feeling of trust in someone is irreplaceable.
Men aren’t any different!
Well, some men are but the majority of men really value honesty too. Whenever I get interested in a girl I almost expect to play games with her. The way the initial attraction process works is broken in my opinion. You see, she is going to play games to test me and I am going to play games to test her.
You know what I really want.. NO GAMES.
This entire site is all about playing games to get your ex boyfriend back that’s just the way it is. I love this site I really do but the fact that it even has to exist is a shame.
So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to be honest about everything from this point on. Whenever you talk to someone just be honest with them. This is especially true for your ex boyfriend. Remember, lying is what got you in trouble in the first place so you need to take the opposite approach here and just be honest with him.
Of course, you can’t be completely honest with him right off the bat. You kind of have to give him these short bursts of honesty.
Allow me to explain that a little bit more.
Short Burst Honesty
Lets say that you were to use a 30 day no contact rule after you break up with your ex boyfriend.
If you followed it like you were supposed to then you have had absolutely zero contact with your ex for 30 days straight. How well do you think it would go if you immediately sent him this long message declaring everything you were feeling and being honest about it?
The answer is NOT WELL!
Through my own experience here is the best way that I have discovered to use honesty.
Lets imagine that you and I are engaged in a texting conversation. Now, we are going to assume that the conversation is stimulating so both of us are engaged in it. Whenever I feel that the time is right I am going to send you a quick burst trust message like this:
(For more text message examples I want you to check out this page.)
This message is important for a number of reasons.
Firstly, it reinforces that the conversation you are having with your ex is an honest one. So, that automatically makes your ex boyfriend think you are being honest with him (which you are.) Secondly, it also creates a good feeling vibe. So, he is going to associate the honesty of the conversation you are having with good feelings and that is an excellent thing.
Do you kind of see how this works?
You engage him in a conversation and constantly sprinkle in these little reminders of how you enjoy this “honesty” thing.
Do this enough and he will start to paint you in an honest light.
Honesty = Trust.
The Controlling Issue
You already know that I don’t like being controlled.
In fact, one of the reasons I put so much time and effort into this site is that so someday I won’t be controlled by the 9 to 5 lifestyle that so many men my age seemed to get sucked into.
The truth is that you will never be able to control another human being. You may want to but you will never be able to. This is important to realize. I have seen a lot of crazy things through this site and to this day there is a huge segment of women who I think are too controlling (but they just don’t realize it.)
This brings us to an interesting question..
Once someone feels controlled is it possible to regain their trust?
Yes, it is but YOU are going to have to make some serious changes.
Change Can Breed Trust
Feeling the need to control someone is a problem that needs to be extinguished. If you can’t get rid of it then there is no way you are going to be able to get your exes trust back.
A lot of you who are avid readers of this website may think you know me pretty well. I am well aware of the public perception that is “Chris Seiter.” You probably think I am gentle, laid back and NON controlling.
Well, I am.. but I didn’t always used to be.
The truth is that I had to learn to be that way and it was not easy to do. Change is one of the hardest things to do in this world. My father used to be a human resources manager for a huge Fortune 500 company. The other day he told me a story that really made me think about humans in general.
I used to visit the other branches of our business and look into their problems. I would talk with the owners of the franchises and they would often tell me that the employees were the problem but after doing some homework it became clear that THE OWNERS were the problem and not the employees. When I would sit down with the owners and explain to them what needed to change they would generally try their best to change and maybe things did change.. BUT only for a little while. In the long run they went right back to their old bad habits…
Temporary change is easy.
REAL change is not. That’s the trick. That is what you have to achieve.
During my first relationship I was a very controlling person (granted she was not saint either but still..) I sometimes think back to some of the things I did and cringe with how controlling I could be.
Why was I controlling?
Well, she was a bit of a flirt and after a certain amount of incidents occurred I had a lot of trouble trusting her with anything.
I am not like that anymore thankfully but the only reason why I am not is because I felt so ashamed of how I acted that I worked really hard to not be controlling anymore. I worked really hard on trusting people. Sure, any girl I date in the future I will still have some “left over” controlling feelings but I know exactly what to do with those feelings, push them aside.
Controlling someone often leads to a fight and I am not talking about the type of fights where something gets accomplished. I am talking about the type of fights where things get thrown and loud voices turn into screaming. What you need to realize is that being with someone who actually wants to be with you is a far greater reward than being with someone who you controlled to be with you..
How To Show Someone Your Not Controlling Anymore
That’s the trick isn’t it?
You can do all this work to change but if you can’t convince your ex boyfriend that you have, how is he going to trust you again?
Well, this is really where I think the no contact rule comes in handy. Most of you already know that I am a huge fan of the no contact rule but especially in this type of a situation where your ex boyfriend thinks that you were way too controlling. A woman who has the need to control often has an attachment to those who she does control.
I promise you that your ex boyfriend knows this so he is automatically expecting you to come back begging and be overemotional. However, if you are smart and implement the no contact rule for 30 days it is going to start making him think that you have changed. You aren’t the person that he thought you were and this is good because the person he thought you were was controlling.
Of course, the real question you are probably wondering is how do you let him know you are not controlling after the no contact period is up?
You can do this by suggestive texting.
This is a clever little text message that I talk about in my book that you can use to demonstrate two things.
- That you are a sweet person (deep down 😉 )
- That you are not as controlling as he may have thought you were.
So, how does this text work?
Basically what you are going to do is wait until you have established a conversation with your ex. You are responding to him and he is responding to you. Somewhere within this conversation you are going to ask him what he is doing tonight and then you are going to suggest an activity that you may not have been ok with during your relationship. After you suggest the activity you are going to say something like “have fun.”
Here is how the text message should look:
In the example above I chose to talk about hanging out with a friend. Maybe in your relationship with your ex boyfriend you weren’t ok with him hanging around a certain friend. Well, you can use that friend to your advantage by saying the “I hope you have fun with him” line.
By saying this your ex will think:
“Wow, is she ok with this now?”
Once you have him thinking that you are well on your way to seeming less controlling..