The Most Common Reasons For Why He Broke Up With You (And What To Do Next...)

210 thoughts on “The Most Common Reasons For Why He Broke Up With You (And What To Do Next)”

Elena

July 16, 2016 at 9:15 am

AMAZING ARTICLE! I’ve waited months for an article like this! Praise! I wonder if EBR can help me on this special case… I know this site says “Ex-BOYFRIEND” but my case didn’t really have a label

My situation was– we were “together” but not strictly/formally exclusive for 2 years (started out as 19, and he was 18). It started out as a friendship and slowly (but surely) things got running towards the romance direction. We never really had a “boyfriend-girlfriend” label, but it came to a point that even everyone thought we were together. We were dating. I know you’re wondering why we never became an icon despite things; it’s because 1) I realized my feelings a little later and thought that he was just being sweet 2) We sort of know that we are still young in a way that there are other things in life that we want to pursue first before a serious commitment 3) He was the shy type who doesn’t know how to deal with feelings well. 4) We have a feeling that our families wouldn’t approve of each other (for now) so there’s a small spot of “hopelessness anyway” that was set in early. We also did not do-the-do (despite “friendly” overnights and sleepovers), weren’t FWB, never kissed. There was a time though that I woke up and saw him really close to me and putting my hand on his chest. Another when he would come close to me and cuddle for a few minutes. It seemed like some constipated romance that just had episodes of bloom.

Later in our “relationship’ fights started to come up randomly (usually from petty/small things like my jealousy and him trying to be distant and cold suddenly and us not being able to spend as much time with each other anymore due to school and part-time work) One day I had a talk with my best friends about him and they told me that it was about time I “confront” him about everything. So when I was about to open the topic in chat and was hinting about asking him if he had feelings for me, he talked about dating some other girls online (and LDR) and that (admittedly) made me feel irritated and jealous and felt “cheated” in a way (he also was rubbing in screenshots of his chat with one of the girls with me). So in my upset, I friendzoned him… sort of… out of upset (and to see how he will react.) He started telling me that he only sees me as a sister/cousin or best friend and nothing “creepy sexual” etc which made me all the more upset (looking back, I think I did come out a little weird because he started telling me he didn’t understand what I was meaning to say. I was emotional and so my words were vague and confusing) We had a “bad breakup (a bad talk. We were in a cafe and I decided to talk to him heart to heart… and he did not cooperate, not saying anything at all. His bro friend told me he was angry though when he got home and he was cussing at them bro friends because of me. Bro friends didnt know much about us until this point and i think he was playing victim about it too)” with NC for 2 years after. A few months after that, we did try to see each other a bit for friendship’s sake but things really didn’t connect (there was a time I tried “chasing” but I ended up looking desperate because he was focused suddenly on online dating). And yes, he was dating other girls (background on him: he never really was into dating anyone, he just started dating others after I came into his life and late in our “relationship”. He would bring up topics about relationships to me from time to time during our “friendship’ though. But it wasn’t anything obviously hinted.) Now I realized I had feelings for him and I wanted a relationship with him back then (it just wasn’t clear in my head), but my gut really tells me that I should better myself first right now (become a UG, establish my career etc.)

I do get worried because I am certain he already/still has a gf and I might be too late? The last time I heard about him was when he was online dating this girl in Europe and another time when he -seemed- “serious” about moving in with this girl (even though he had serious commitment/marriage issues. But he does have a shaky relationship with his family.) I also sent him a small inexpensive cupcake a few months ago for his birthday, but I do not have any form of reply from him (he knows my number, address, and is mutual friends with some people close to me.) I do not stalk him or contact anyone related to him either so I totally have no news about what is going on with him. I do still care for him and we really worked well together. He will always hold a special place in my heart (and I to him, he told me himself numerous times and even heard it from his bro friends that he said so) and this distance and absence feels itchy (I was very emotional a year ago but right now my head is in entering medicine: which I delayed after grad because… you guessed it! Because I was “dating’ him. We really had a good time together.)

What do you think should I do? Should I act now? or should I finish everything I want to finish first (like medicine) and then come back to him when I’m already “fully established”? I feel that if I come in at a bad time (like if he is preoccupied with his gf or someone) it would just hurt my chances? I’m worried and confused about the timing or when to try to contact or connect again. If I prioritize medicine (which I am serious about), what is the best way for me to increase my chances of getting him back? Should I keep contact with him often? Should I patch things up as friends? Or should I do the movie-type-of-timeskip where we see each other later again (when I’m a UG?) What do you think/is your opinion of this situation? and what is your advice? I know I technically have “no right” because we were never “exclusive’ but I am focused on becoming a UG and trying to increase my chances of getting him back. (also doing things with friends that we should have done before like going to specific fun places etc. He probably doesn’t know though because I really cut contact and my appearances with him.) Again, it’s been 2 years already away from him and I did almost everything (chasing, begging, heart to heart talk, acting as if there’s no problem, trying to be friends, letting him be, NC for a long time, improving myself in a lot of aspects and hanging out with friends and other people) but still nothing (I am always the one who often reaches out to shy him back then soo : / ) thanks

P.S. I feel a little annoyed that it seems like he is complacent about me? (assuming he -still- had feelings for me until the end) like I am that kind of girl he can go back to anytime.

P.S.S. I did read this article so I thought you’d understand my situation a bit that’s why I’m messaging you this detailed comment about my constipated romance. My situation seems to have a lot of bits and parts from the common reasons up there and I hope it’s not much of a hassle seeking a direct response aside from the (VERY EXCELLENT!)solutions up there 🙁 I’m just wondering if -not being formally exclusive- changes the game (because it is possible that his feelings sparked for me for a short time and he shot it down because it seemed “impossible and crazy” you know a shy young guy’s drill.)

P.S.S. You seem to know about the Ph, I am from there too! 🙂 While I am a conservative girl (romantically at least), he is on the more… non-conservative culture (albeit closet).

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 16, 2016 at 9:00 pm

Hi Elena,

Thank you! You and him are filipinos?

ok Elena.. I think he friendzoned you early aback then but you thought he was just afraid of commitment..
Actually the best option is that you become an ungettable girl first before talking to him or seeing him

Fred

July 15, 2016 at 10:04 pm

What an awesome comprehensive post, Amor! There is something in there for everyone and I absolutely love all of your personal stories and anecdotes that help in reinforcing your advice. I think you really hit the mark early on when you talked there being “no hard rules for relationships”. As you pointed, there are many reasons that can contribute to people breaking it off. But since you are so close to the scene by answering so many comments, you have a unique perspective of the commonalities. And I think you hit the nail on the head! I wish the solutions would come about as easily as it seems the problems arise. But like you said….there are no hard rules in matters of the heart and if I can add, “easy” ways to get the love train back on the track.

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 16, 2016 at 4:06 pm

Thanks Fred!!! That means a lot.. I still have a lot to learn though.. but thanks to Chris and Jen, they have taught me a lot 🙂

Frustrated- I want my ex back

July 15, 2016 at 5:17 pm

Hi
So I met my ex on a dating app. We talked 2 months every day by text. When we finally met it was incredible. He was really into me, after a month of dating he planned a party so that all of his friends could meet me. Not going to lie there were times when I doubted our relationship- he would sometimes make plans to see me and then disappear for the weekend-texting me on the following Monday saying that he had either been to busy with work or else partying with friends- I would always question him and let him know it upset me- but I always figured that was something we could work on. We live 2 hours apart- and he is on call for work so it was always tough trying to see each other- and most of the time it was me making the effort to drive to see him because of him being on call- but that didn’t bother me- I wanted to see him. So he broke up with his ex 2 years ago and they have 2 kids together. We said I would not meet his kids until we both knew that we were in it for long haul- 3 weeks ago he introduced me to the kids. It was great- the kids liked me, they actually cried when their mom came to pick them up. Well the following week, my ex started texting and calling me less. I tried to keep the conversations going- but then he just disappeared. when I finally got him on the phone he told me “I have a drinking problem, you are the perfect girl. You are too good for me, you deserve someone better. I am a piece of s***, I am in a slump right now. My ex is being a b****. I am really screwed up. Its not you its me, I need alone time to figure s*** out” I told him that he deserves to be happy and that its up to me to decide who I deserve and who I don’t. So then instead of giving him his alone time- I admit it I was a GNAT and I “begged” for him to come back. I told him I liked him and missed him. I sent unanswered texts and phone calls. This was before I discovered this site. When I realized I was being a GNAT I sent him a final message apologizing for not respecting his wish for alone time, and that when he was ready he could call me. It frustrates me because what I thought was a perfect weekend, I really felt like I was apart of his life- was the end for him. I don’t get it?
What is your advice on this situation? Is there ever a chance of him wanting me back after I begged and was a GNAT- or is the damage already done? I have never felt like this about anyone, he made me happy and all of his friends told me that they have never seen him so happy that what ever I was doing I was doing it right. So why the disappearing act? I really want my ex back!!
Thanks for the advice

Frustrated- I want my ex back

July 15, 2016 at 7:39 pm

Thanks Amor,
I have no idea what the reason could be and that is what has been the hardest- because I really thought everything was going good. I told him it would be easier for me if he told me what was going on. He told me there was no one else, that he was just screwed up right now. So I don’t know if it was getting to real with me meeting his kids and he freaked out because he isn’t ready for that kind of commitment or what? I will try hard to use the NC to my benefit.
So do I try to contact him after the NC period or do I just wait until he contacts me? I have a feeling that since he is so hard on himself and says that I don’t deserve him that I wont be hearing from him. and I am scared that I pushed him away with my GNAT behaviour
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 16, 2016 at 3:30 pm

actually I think his ex got angry because you were close to the kids.. though of course I’m not sure of that..

so, if that’s case you gnatting won’t matter much but you still have to life ahead and let your ex see it to increase the chances of him missing you
Frustrated- I want my ex back

July 15, 2016 at 5:18 pm

whoops I thought my first one didn’t work
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 15, 2016 at 7:06 pm

Hi Frustrated,

I actually remember you.. I answered your first comment and I don’t think you saw my reply I’ll copy paste here and add other insights too

Hi Confused,

from the looks of it, you are broken up..do.you an idea what the reason could be and are you going to start active no contact

There is a chance, just focus in improving yourself during and after nc and not be gnat again and maintain having your own life..

Frustrated- I want my ex back

July 15, 2016 at 4:39 pm

Hi
I need help! So my ex and I met on dating app- we texted every day for 2 months before we finally met in person. First time we met each other felt right and we had an incredible time together, and made our relationship official. 3 weeks after dating he would send me I miss you texts with hearts, we live 2 hrs apart. He was actually into it the relationship more than I was at first. after a month of dating he planned a party so that all of his friends could meet me. I admit it it wasn’t all roses, sometimes he would make plans to see me and then just disappear on weekends- I wouldn’t hear from him until the following Monday- that seemed to be an issue that we discussed a lot about but one I tried to be patient with- cuz yes I get it we don’t need to spend every minute talking or seeing each other. He broke up with his ex 2 years ago and they have 2 young kids together. Three weeks ago he introduced me to his kids, we had a great weekend. The kids really liked me and actually cried when their mom came to pick them up. That following night he told me had a drinking problem( I noticed that he had a beer every night I was with him but I didn’t think that was a problem),he told me that I was the perfect girl- that I was to good for him-called himself a piece of S***, he was really being hard on himself. We spent the night cuddling and watching movies. In my mind that was a perfect weekend, I really felt like I was a part of his life- we had discussed previously that I would not meet his kids until we were both ready. Then slowly he started texting less, and disappearing more and more. I tried to keep the conversations going, but after finding this website I realize I should have implemented NC rule then. I wanted him to know that I didn’t think of him as a bad person and that I cared and wanted us to be together. He quit answering my calls, and texts just disappeared. Then one day I finally got him on the phone and he told me “Its not you its me, I am in a slump. I am trying to figure s*** out. My ex is being a b****. and I am really screwed up. I need alone time to figure things out.” Well instead of implying the NC rule- I admit it I did beg. I sent him texts telling him that I would be there for him if he needed someone to talk to, I would help him figure his stuff out, that I do like him and miss him. I tried calling more than once (whoops) and he didn’t answer his phone. I was a GNAT. once I realized I was a GNAT-my last text to him I apologized for not respecting him when he said he wanted alone time- and that if he was ever ready to talk to give me a call and then I deleted his # from my phone so I am not tempted to text him. I don’t get it- in my mind our last weekend spent together with his kids was perfect – but in his mind it was the end. I am so frustrated and sad- I don’t know what happened to make him run away.
.Anyway I am wondering if because I was a GNAT and “begged” after he asked for alone time, if there is ever a chance for me to get my ex back? Any advice on what I should do with this situation is greatly appreciated!
Thank you
Didou

July 15, 2016 at 4:32 pm

What should I do now?

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 15, 2016 at 6:57 pm

Change.. Move on from the past because that’s gone now.. have a life of your own and stop chasing him.. meet new people and go out with them.. basically, put yourself first this time.. you’ve been chasing him for almost a year now.. and the more you chased and stayed, the less you become attractive to him..

yeah he missed you, he missed the old you but not enough to want you.. because he doesn’t see you as as ungettable girl.. As someone that he can be gone in his life.. well, because you’re always there..

It’s either you really live life right now that you’re looking for someobody else and he’s just a small part of your life, or you do one last nc that is really long, not less than 6 months and really improve yourself, massively.. not just in looks but also with your skills and social life..

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 15, 2016 at 3:43 pm

Hi didou,

actually it looks like you’ve been just chasing him since the break up and then expecting him to get engaged with you again even if there’s not much rapport.. and we have to be honest.. it also looks like you’ve not improved to the level of being independent and having your own life.. how many other dates have you been in?
Missy

July 15, 2016 at 7:06 am

HELP! When my boyfriend of 3 and a half years left me on June 30th I found out he had been hiding that he was close friends with a female coworker. He hid this because he knows I’m insecure and I’m not comfortable with either of us being friends with the oposite sex. If he had been open and honest about his friendship it wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but since he hid it I’m thinking there has to be something more between them. But he denied it. I’m freaking out right now though because i found out his friend is looking for a new place to live, which he is also doing because he moved out of my apartment when he left me. I’m so scared that their going to move in together. I haven’t spoken to him for a week while trying to follow the NC rule and the last time we spoke he spoke of her in a negative light (apparently shes sleeping around and complaining about these men to him), but while praising her small daughter and he HATES kids! I don’t know his feelings for her. He has told me repeatedly since the breakup (before the NC) that he loves me very much, he doesn’t know what he wants, this time apart is something he needs to do for himself, that he’s not in a healthy place to date anyone, but if he was he’d be with me, but he can’t promise anything. I’m trying to trust and believe him, but I don’t know how he feels about this friend of his or if they might move in together. I’m desperate to call him and demand to know if he’s gonna move in with this woman and how he feels about her. I’m freaking out! But I don’t want to break NC… Help!!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

July 15, 2016 at 6:16 pm

HI Missy,

it’s his loss of he moves in with her.. So, just chill.. If they move in together, you’ll know it later on one way or another but right now, don’t waste nc on them.. YOu only have a short time for yourself.. use it for yourself.

EBR Team Member: Amor

August 10, 2016 at 6:09 am

maybe he’s just busy or he doesn’t know how to respond to that..give him a week before trying again
Confused Gal

August 8, 2016 at 4:20 pm

Hi Amor,

So at about day 21 of NC I posted a picture of myself on instagram and an hour later my ex unfollowed me. I was the only one in the picture but it was me at lasertag (which was easy to assume I was probably on a date). I thought that was very suspicious that he would unfollow me after that particular picture, as I’ve been posting a lot of “ungettable” girl photos and been busy improving myself and going out with friends. I decided to break no contact on day 25 with a confession text, to which he gave neutral response, but then did not respond. I waited 5 days and texted him again because I had ran into an old friend, so I used the “saw so-and-so and made me think of you, hope you are doing well” and he responded very positively! He even referred back to my original confession text. I ended the texting shortly with “late for a birthday ill ttyl” and he responded “kk”. Now two days later I try to text him again about the baseball game that was on (bc he loves the jays) but no response… Could he be worried about giving me the wrong impression? I’m not sure why he responded SO positively at first, unless he’s just being civil. I want him to understand that this is me just trying to be friendly, but I don’t want to be an “old dramatic ex”.
Victoria

August 1, 2016 at 6:11 pm

Thanks – I did that but the response was very dry, he hasn’t responded to my last message for almost 2 weeks now. I don’t want to send another one as he many find me irritating..
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 29, 2016 at 7:51 pm

you’re welcome! have a wonderful day too!
Jun

July 29, 2016 at 6:14 pm

Thanks Amor! I need this!
Hopefully a better update the next time…
Have a nice day!
Jun

July 29, 2016 at 7:56 am

Hi Amor it’s me again… Been feeling miserable these few days so decided to put up an update.
It has been 13 days since I start NC on him.
1) still asking friends about me, would purposely revert the conversation with my friends to me. Asked where we went together, who I was out with with and Etc.

2) notice his snapchat yesterday been very negative, can’t say it’s about me as he’s a very busy guy with a lot of work load from school and projects from outside of school. (I tend to ignore but thanks to auto play sometimes I accidentally viewed his snapchat stories)

3) starting to tell a lot of people we broken up.

4) as usual going out with girls, I know they have nothing between them but I feel pressured as these girls are all very talented (we study advertising and graphic design) so these girls are all basically good at what they’re doing. He asked them out for coffee or some really just pure business. And they’re all beautiful.

I can’t help feeling insecure about myself. I’m not as talented I’m not as beautiful as them. I know I know, become the UG. But to be honest, my ex is an overachiever. My class standard is considered above average, he’s beyond that. I’m wondering, will this be harder for me to get him back or make him want to chase me again?

a) Do I need to become academically and socially better than him in order to get him back. Because if so, it will be so hard as this is what he achieved all this while in our relationship and I lost myself, lost my goals and aims. I have them now, but I’m worried I’m scared, it would t be enough…

Couldn’t find any internet source anywhere even on this site, hope you guys can help or write and article about this…

Appreciate this website so much 🙁
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 29, 2016 at 5:45 pm

nope, you don’t have to be greater than him because his achievements are his achievements..

set your goals, and then reach them.. ask yourself why you want those goals so that you would be more confident. Be thankful if somebody is better than you because that means you still have room to grow..
EBR Team Member: Amor

July 29, 2016 at 10:09 am

you can initiate contact now.. use a topic that he always loves talking about and then slowly build rapport
Maria

July 27, 2016 at 8:38 pm

Thanks Amor.

We were together about 1 1/2 years. I just completed 35 days of NC. We are both back on a dating site. We’ve already seen each other there but NC continues.

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210 thoughts on “The Most Common Reasons For Why He Broke Up With You (And What To Do Next)”