My name is Amor!
Some of you may have communicated with me directly via the comments section of this website,
Yep, that’s me!
I respond to many of Chris’ comments and have been with The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Team since the start of this year. About a week ago Chris asked me if I would be interested in writing an article for Ex Boyfriend Recovery. He told me that he wanted someone who could bring a different perspective and since I have such great experience in communicating with you guys on a daily basis he felt that I was the perfect person for the job.
The truth is, is that I have been doing this since I was in high school, I pretty much became the “go to” girl among friends when they would have relationship issues. And when you add that to the fact that I have advised thousands of the women here and have learned directly from Chris I felt that this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up on.
So, here I am writing away!
One of the things that I have been noticing lately through interacting with the women in the comments section of this website is that they don’t often have a good grasp of when things with their ex boyfriends are getting better.
They don’t have a full understanding on how to tell if they are close to getting their ex back.
So I thought to myself,
“What a perfect thing to write about.”
Honestly it’s not hard to understand why you are having so much trouble figuring that out.
Sometimes it’s because you are so afraid to get hurt again that you don’t notice the little signs that are screaming at you that things are going well!
To help you, I have put together the six ways to know if you are close to getting your ex boyfriend back.
As Chris would say,
“Are you ready to get this party started?
You Have Utilized Our Strategies And Seen Positive Progress
If you aren’t aware of what “our strategy” is here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery I would recommend that you check out Chris’ book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
In addition, he has also put together some gigantic articles outlining what you need to do to get your ex back.
So, how does this tie in to what I am talking about?
Well, if you were to go through and read through his book, his articles and you were to implement the strategy that we preach and see positive progress from it then it might be a sign that you are turning the corner and close to getting your ex back.
Perhaps I should be more specific.
If you see the following positive things begin to happen with your strategy it’s a very good thing.
Positive Thing #1: You Make It Through The No Contact Rule
If you started the no contact rule immediately after the break up then kudos to you!
Most of the time I see people beg, “GNAT” or do everything they can to get their exes back before attempting the no contact rule because they don’t know that there’s an actual process to recovering an ex boyfriend..
Now, if you did end up doing those types of things (begging, gnatting, etc) don’t let it get you down. You still have a very good chance at getting your ex back. In fact, I would say that the vast majority of the people I communicate with via the comments section of this website are attempting the no contact rule after begging for their exes back.
My recommendation is to start the no contact rule now.
The sooner you can start the better.
And in case you haven’t read some of the more insightful articles that Chris has posted on no contact here is a quick crash course into what it is,
My Definition Of No Contact: It means no texts, calls, emails, private messaging, liking his posts, asking a friend to contact him, talking to each other through a group chat or communicating through a relative. Oh, and no wishing him a happy birthday too. Generally the no contact rule can last anywhere from 21 days to 45 days though it really depends on your situation.
Here’s something I bet you didn’t know. When you start your no contact period, it’s not abnormal to see him text you after the first day of freezing him out or after the first positive post you make on Facebook.
For example, he’ll ask,
Or my personal favorite,
And sometimes you’ll be lucky enough to get this response on Facebook after changing your profile picture,
And then you have those times where he will message you with something like,
Okay, at first glance it may seem that he’s happy that you are moving on, but still… it’s a reaction. Sometimes an ex boyfriend will mask the hurt that they are going through, through this kind of a message because they think you will reply to it.
So, be optimistic since it’s better than not getting any reaction at all.
Positive Thing #2: You Had A Make Over
(I feel it’s important to mention that Chris’ book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO does an excellent job of taking everything I am about to say a step further. Anyways, let’s begin this section.)
Would you like to know what one of the most significant signs is for when that a girl is moving on from a break up?
(Hint Hint: A Make Over!)
Makeovers can include things like,
- Getting a haircut
- Getting your nails done
- Waxing (legs, under arms, “down below”)
- Getting a new wardrobe
- Improving your complexion
- Losing some weight
And yes, you want him to think that you are moving on because he has to think you’ve completely stopped chasing him. And sometimes the best way to do that is to have the make over you rightly deserve!
Don’t believe that this works?
I would like you to turn your attention to episode 3 of “The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.”
Natalie, who was featured on this episode basically had moved on from her ex and just when things were going great for her is when her ex came back into the picture. Now, I will leave it up to Chris to explain why he came back into the picture but I will say that I have consistently seen women move on from an ex only to have their boyfriends go crazy trying to get them back.
You want to have this type of a mindset:
Positive Thing #3: You Start Doing Things That Will Let You Grow
It’s not just the physical aspect that’s important.
You have to do new activities or do things that will enhance your skills and confidence too.
- Join a class
- Read a book
- Learn a new language
- Go out with old friends
- Make new ones
- Take a trip to the beach
- Don’t be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone
A lot of people forget what Chris teaches with regards to health, wealth and relationships in his book. You want to live a very balanced lifestyle. Of course, the concept isn’t hard to grasp. It’s really the implementation of the concept where I see people failing in the comments.
But let’s say that you ended up doing all of those things. You are probably going to notice that your ex has been liking more of your posts on Facebook or getting in touch with your friends and relatives to ask about you.
But women become so focused on the end result that they forget what leads them there.
There Has Been An Increase In The Frequency Of Text Messages And Phone Calls You Have Been Receiving From Him
Man… that was a mouthful.
Most of the people who come to our website end up worrying about their exes not contacting them at all during no contact.
Well, I would like to focus on what it means when the opposite happens.
What if you use the no contact rule and he ends up contacting you a lot?
Well, if you experience this phenomenon then it means what you are doing is definitely working as Chris stated in his book, The No Contact Rule Book, if you receive at least 7 messages in a day from him begging for you to come back, you can break the no contact rule.
[UPDATE] As it turns out Chris just came out with 7 new rules on what has to occur for you to break the no contact rule outside of the acceptable reasons (kids, exchanging items, work, etc.)
The rules are:
- Taking The Length Of The Relationship Into Account
- Determining How Long You Have Been In The No Contact Rule
- If This Was Your First Breakup
- Where You Are In Your Personal Recovery
- What Ended Up Causing The Breakup
- Who Initiated The Breakup
- (The Golden Factor)
If you want to learn how these rules work and what the golden factor is I suggest you check out Chris’ best selling book, The No Contact Rule Book.
But I digress…
Some of the other things you need to look out for is if your ex boyfriend doesn’t go “overboard” during the no contact rule but he still ends up texting you quite a bit.
For example, let’s say that he texts you on average about once a week and then eventually he starts calling you. When that doesn’t work (because you are ingoring him via the no contact rule) he decides to call your friends to ask your whereabouts.
Is this a good sign?
DUHH! It’s a very good sign girl!
Just keep going strong and don’t reply. And don’t answer questions from your friends or relatives that seem like they are from him.
For example, if your best friend starts asking you something like,
When they never have asked you anything remotely close to that before you can bet that, that question is really coming from your ex.
What About An Increase In Frequency During The Texting Phase?
(I have an admission to make… A lot of what I talk about in this article I ended up summarizing from Chris’ book on texting. Check it out if you haven’t already.)
What I would like to do now is introduce you to two different types of men that I see a lot when advising women in the comments.
It’s important to remember that I am only talking about “texting” here with these types of men.
- The Excited Ex
- The “Needs A Little Push” Ex
Let’s start with “the excited ex,”
What Is The Excited Ex
He’s a dream come true… that’s what he is!
You sent your first contact text and he responded positively. I know every girl hopes for this outcome. And if you’re experiencing it, don’t take it for granted by being rude or not taking the opportunity to end the conversation on a high note.
Because his excited demeanor will probably only last for a few days before he gets bored or comes back down to earth.
I am not trying to sound morbid I am just trying to be realistic about this.
It’s important to remember that you ignored your ex for quite a while during the no contact rule and reaching out for the first time probably excites him.
Oh, and how could I forget Chris’ favorite principle of always leaving a man wanting more by not giving it all to him at once.
Don’t spoil him.
After you end the first contact text message let’s say that he still texts you later on, updating you on what he’s been doing or asking you what you’ve been doing. Bear in mind that only an hour or two has passed since you last spoke to him.
Is this a good sign?
Of course! It’s an amazing sign. And one that you should keep an eye out for.
I do feel it’s important to mention that you can’t expect this type of behavior from your ex 24/7.
Well, his excitement will most likely die down and go back to normal as the days go by. He will probably end up noticing your pattern and start to text you during the times where you are more likely to reply to him but compared to how you were before the break up, he still ends up texting you more.
The “Needs A Little Push” Ex
Sorry I can’t think of anything else to call this…
But this one is actually more realistic.
Here’s how this works,
Your ex responded positively to the first contact text message but he doesn’t seem that excited to be talking to you. He doesn’t initiate any texts but he does engage with you when you text him.
It’s also important to note that he’s not angry or avoiding you.
He responds happily as you successfully get him interested again. After some time he starts to let his guard down and starts to be more engaging in texts. It gets easier to reach the high point when you talk and eventually, after some time, he opens up about other topics during conversations.
This outcome wouldn’t have been possible without a little push from you. That’s why he’s considered the “needs a little push” ex.
The Communication You Have Had With Each Other Has Largely Been Positive
In Chris’ latest book, the no contact rule book, he talks about “the golden factor.”
The Golden Factor = Receiving positive communication from an ex.
Here’s how this works!
Whenever the two of you talk, he looks at what happened at a different light now.
Sometimes he even goes as far as explaining what mistakes he made in the relationships. This is a big deal for a man.
Because men generally are very stubborn so for him to admit fault is a positive sign.
You’ll also notice that he opens up about the positive things that have been happening in his life and talk about how he wants to share the upcoming ones with you.
Stop me if you have seen this type of a text already,
When enough rapport has been build and he feels fully comfortable around you he will start to agree with the happy memories that Chris advises you to mention. Heck, he may even bring up other ones all by himself.
Oh, here is something I bet you didn’t know. I don’t even think Chris has talked about this. Does your ex also mention places or activities that are fun? It might be a hint that he would like to do those things with you.
He Has Jumped Through Multiple Hoops For You
When I began writing this article I was actually very confused as to what I was going to write for this section. However, after brainstorming with Chris I think I came up with something clever to talk about.
You should be giving your ex boyfriend tests along the way to test how serious he is about you. As you can see above, I struggled coming up with the tests but eventually I settled on,
- Changing Up Your Response Time
- Rescheduling A Date
- Asking For Small Favors
- Going On A Group Date That Has Other Men
- Inviting Him Over For Family Gatherings
But I will talk about these tests in a second. For now, I want to talk about why it’s important to make him jump through hoops for you.
Let’s pretend there are two women who are reaching out to their exes during the texting phase and both of them have gotten positive responses with their text messages.
Both of them are excited!
And both of them properly did the no contact rule.
But which of these women is more likely to succeed in getting their exes back?
It’s the woman who knows how to take it slow.
The woman who knows that patience is a virtue and that her ex needs to prove himself first before she jumps right back in a relationship with him.
One of the common questions that I see a lot in the comments section is:
“Do I tell him that I’m going to change for good? That I’m not going to chase him anymore?”
No, you don’t!
That in itself shows you’re chasing.
Instead, you should give him a few of the following tests and see how he reacts to it. Flip the script. Don’t make this about you. Make it about him.
Now, that you’ve started to build rapport with your ex, you should not let him think you’re still the same as before or that you will go back to being the same as before but you should test if he has changed.
Changing Up Your Response Time
When you start to text again make sure that you change up the times that you frequently reply.
If you always text him in the morning during the first three days. Try to ignore him on the fourth morning and instead text him at night.
Let’s say that your ex asks you on a date. Instead of accepting immediately try to say,
“I”m super busy can we try another day?”
Or try to reschedule just one date when it’s set. Don’t do this too many times or you’ll appear rude.
Do it at least days before your set date.
Ask For Small Favors
Try to remember something that he’s really good at and ask a favor about that. It’s one way of building attraction too because men love feeling like they are needed by women.
Going On A Group Date (That Has Other Men)
You can kill two birds with one stone here!
Let’s see if he gets jealous and how he acts around you with other guys.
And if he agrees to go on a group date with your friends that’s a good sign that he wants to get close with them again too or that he’s not shy about you two being together again in a public place.
Inviting him over family gatherings
This is a big factor because it’s hard to go over to a family gathering.
There’s actually quite a bit of pressure facing family members after a breakup.
If he goes, it would be really courageous of him.
If he doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world, maybe he’s just not ready yet but that doesn’t mean he won’t be later on.
You Have Advanced To The “Romantic Date”
(I would feel bad if I didn’t mention that Chris created a “mock campaign” in his book where he talked in-depth about the three date theory that I talked about below. So, if you want to learn more about this theory I recommend clicking the link I just created.)
If you have advanced to the dating stage of our process then kudos to you! But it’s not victory yet so make sure you don’t let it go to your head. It’s important to keep the three date theory in mind when you get to this stage.
What is the three date theory?
Basically, you have to start out slow first and eventually increase the intensity of the dates. In other words, each date you go on slowly ups the ante. Chris recently talked about this with his new rules for going on a date with an ex. For example, the first date is not a romantic date and not a chance for you to voice out how much you really want him back in your life. No, that comes with the third and final date.
So, you follow these:
- Small date
- Medium date
- Romantic date
THE SMALL DATE
This will be like your “catch up and get him to really attracted to you physically” meet up.
So, that means you have to look your best.
It’s ok to be sexy but not too sexy!
(If you need ideas for what to wear check out this video out from Jennifer, Chris’ wife.)
And it has to be short. He shouldn’t feel pressured when you’re together. So, the best way to do that is to keep the meet up short and jam packed with fun and laughter.
It has to be memorable.
But here’s the underlying goal with this date. You have to do enough to make him want to see you again.
My Experience With Small Dates:
You may not know this about me but I actually have had a lot of experience with small dates when I was younger. Though at the time I had no idea that “the small date” is really what makes a man more interested in you..
Anyways, when I was younger, there was this one guy who kept insisting that we “go out” but at that time I was not allowed to have boyfriends (my parents were very protective.)
I kept saying “no” to him but he kept finding these clever little ways to talk to me.
He had different strategies to get a “date” with me. His core strategy revolved around going on small dates because the only free time I had occurred during these small breaks throughout my day.
The break specifically was 15 minutes in between classes. In addition, I would sometimes study alone in a classroom or in the library and he would pop in there and we’d talk. Eventually I figured out what he was doing so I started to bring friends with me. I wanted to make things a little more challenging for him.
And then after school I would have to walk home. When he learned this he started to walk me home.
But during those short times that we had together, we were laughing and having fun.
He then “leveled up” by buying snacks for the both of us, like ice cream or hotdog sandwiches after school. So, when he would meet me at the school gate, I was forced to stop and eat with him..
Hahaha… Looking back it’s really funny.
In fact, when I finally broke down and went on a date with him I wanted to keep it casual. I figured we would go to a movie and bring a few friends along.
But I think my mom and my sister sensed I was up to something so they went with me (remember I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend at that time.) Hahaha! When I found that out I quickly canceled the date but I worked an angle to where I would get my mom and sister busy shopping in the mall where the movie theater was and I would “slip out” and meet up with him.
And so I did! (Yeah, naughty me!)
Here is the point of me telling you that story.
Small dates can come in all shapes and sizes.
BUT in the end all that matters is that your ex boyfriend is having fun with you.
Because the more he has fun with you the better your chances are of getting another date with him.
Examples Of Small Dates:
- Short drink at the bar
- Your walk home 🙂
- Lunch date during a work day
THE MEDIUM DATE
This is NOT a romantic date yet. That’s the one big takeaway that I want you to get from this section. In fact, it’s better if you do these types of dates with friends. Generally this date is going to be longer but it’s not the proper time or place for where you should bring up your hardcore feelings or any relationship stuff.
The key, much like it was with the small date, is to have fun and attract him.
In my opinion, this date is actually easier because you will make it seem like a “hang out” with other friends. This makes it non threatening and that there should be less pressure for him.
The Hormonal Cocktail Of Attraction
According to science attraction is actually triggered by three neurotransmitters: adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.
(Learn more from this BBC web post)
Technically speaking adrenaline can make us superhumans when we’re in stressful situations (like when you suddenly lift a big appliances all by yourself when there is fire)
or when you feel your heart pumping fast and you want to ride the roller coaster over and over again or whatever Jason Statham feels in his movies!
This is the chemical that’s responsible when you feel pleasure.
When Mrs. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, examined a newly lovestruck couple, she found very high levels of this.
This one is easy to explain.
It’s basically the “high” when you’re falling in love.
So, for you to trigger these chemicals in your brain you have to do activities that are thrilling, action packed and sometimes a little scary.
Let me expand on that scary comment…
You don’t want to take your ex on a date that is scary to the point where he’ll be traumatized.
There is something that immediately jumps to mind when I think of a date that is both thrilling AND a bit scary.
Yup, you guessed it!
Here are a few other examples of great “medium dates” that are thrilling, action packed and a little scary,
- Going On A Scavenger Hunt
- Going Paintballing
- Blindfold Eating!- set up different kinds of new foods or go to a restaurant that serves exotic dishes or authentic dishes from different countries and have one game master to serve the food or ask the waiters of the restaurant to cover the foods once served.
Warning: You have to be careful with allergies though. So, the game master must know that first.
- Try 4D movies! If you have this in your place you should try it! The seats have generators that stimulates jolts, pokes, tilts, and timed wind and mist sprayers. It’s actually very funny! Sometimes they include 3d glasses if the movie is 3d as well but actually it’s better if it’s not because it’s dizzying.
- Virtual reality devices- Play games that are integrated with this one and the whole group will have a blast!
And don’t forget, end the date on a high note. Leave before it gets boring 😉
THE ROMANTIC DATE
If you reached this date, then it’s definitely a sign that he’s starting to become attracted to you or in your case “reattracted.” Now, this time it’s just the two of you. But you still don’t talk about your previous relationship and anything negative. You’re not in the finish line yet, you’re still building up attraction.
TIP: Look your best but continue to spark attraction by being just a little sexy. Leave room for his imagination. Don’t just rely on your cleavage entirely.(excuse the term ladies!) In fact, sometimes it’s better if he’s not distracted because your boobs are about to fall out of your dress.
The truth is that I hate boring dates.
My boyfriend knows this by heart!
For me, just a dinner out is not actually a date it’s just something that you do after a date. OR there is something in that restaurant that is fun, exciting, or intriguing. That “something” is what makes it fun.
Maybe then I would consider it to be a date.
Anyways, let me give you an example of a way of turning a seemingly boring date into something fun and exciting.
My favorite movie: 50 first dates!
I’m not going to point out how Adam Sandler made every date memorable because of the obvious reason (SPOILER ALERT) that Drew Barrymore forgets him everyday !
But what Drew was actually doing when Adam first noticed her in the diner. She was making houses with waffles. And he used that to connect with her, time and time again.
Although his next few attempts of stacking waffles was a failure, it was something the Drew repeatedly did because she found it fun! I know it’s corny but it’s just an example of making a “boring” dine out more memorable.
Another thing me and boyfriend do during traffic is make fun of the cars!
We imagine how the front face of the cars are actually their faces, sometimes we relate to the driver’s face if we can see it and we make dialogues that suits the car face and imagine it talking to other cars!
Just let your inner child out. You don’t have to be super corny, but try doing it once in a while if things get boring to break the ice.
He Still Wants To See You After The “Romantic Date”
The best sign that you are close to getting your ex back is if he starts making plans to go on another date with you while you are on your current date.
Some common examples I have seen of this lately is for him to ask,
“What’s the best time for you next week”
He starts listing off the available times that he isn’t busy in the coming days?
Those are all really good signs.
But that’s all very straightforward. Here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Sometimes it doesn’t have to be another date.
For example, If he says he will come by your work, hang out with your friends again or drop by your place after a romantic date that’s still a really good sign.
Here’s the truth though that most of the people out there don’t want you to know. More than likely it will take more than one romantic date to get back together.
In other words, you will have to repeat the process over again.
Chris talked about this in his articles about what to do on a date with your ex.
I can’t tell you how many times I have seen women obsess about when the next date is going to be. Don’t be shocked if it takes more than a week. People get busy and you may actually be able to utilize your time apart to make him miss you more.
What I would like to do now is talk about some of the behaviors that I personally believe you need to avoid after the first romantic date.
What NOT To Do After The First Romantic Date
- After your date is over try not texting him for a whole day.
- Don’t ask when the next date will be
- Don’t be complacent with your life and any personal growth you may have already facilitated. If you listened to our advice with the no contact rule you probably made incredible strides. Don’t lose that momentum.
What You Need To Do After The First Date
- Continue working towards the idea that Chris came up with revolving around “The Ungettable Girl“
- Try sprinkling in a little jealousy every now and then.
- Put yourself first and love yourself first, it won’t be hard for other people to treat you in the same way too.
Oh, and as Dr. Seuss said, don’t forget,
“Fun is good!”