Today I want to tackle a big question; Can someone who lost feelings come back?
It is possible for someone with lost feelings to come back after a breakup. However, how likely that is to happen is going to be wholly dependent on how you handle the breakup, how close you were in the relationship and the reasons behind the breakup.
This is obviously a very complicated subject so I want to tackle it in a lot of different ways.
- We’ll be talking about if it’s normal to lose feelings in a relationship
- I’ll be highlighting a real success story interview I did with a woman who got her ex back after they said “I’m not in love with you.”
- Taking a look at the major signs from that very same success story that indicated the ex was coming back
This is going to be an exciting one.
Is It Normal To Lose Feelings In A Relationship?
Let’s cut right to the chase:
Yes, it’s normal for feelings to fluctuate in a relationship. Love and relationships are dynamic, not static. It’s common for people to go through periods where they feel less connected or less in love with their partner. This can be due to a variety of factors, such as stress, changes in life circumstances, or the natural progression of a relationship from the “honeymoon phase” to a more settled, long-term love.
It’s really that honeymoon period factor that I want to harp on.
Years ago I broke down the anatomy of a breakup and in it I referenced a few really cool graphics.
This is what the neurochemicals are doing at the very beginning of a relationship,
Notice that dopamine is high,
Norepinephrine is high,
Serotonin is high,
Oxytocin is elevated,
This is particularly relevant because when all these chemicals are stuck in this elevated state the honeymoon period is in effect.
That magical time where you are on cloud nine and your ex can do no wrong.
But something interesting happens over the course of a relationship. What goes up… must come down,
By looking at the two graphics it’s pretty clear that there’s a significant drop in;
And these neurochemicals dropping are going to form the crux of my argument.
If your ex has convinced themselves that they are in love during the honeymoon period it can feel as if they’ve fallen out of love with you when those chemicals start to level out.
In fact, this is a pretty common problem we’ve noticed with the exes we’ve studied. Particularly those with avoidant tendencies.
Often they are caught in this cycle,
And can’t escape it because they are always looking for their next fix.
Jumping from one honeymoon relationship to the next.
The key thing to keep in mind here is that they usually break up with that partner right around when those chemicals start to wear off. Now, this doesn’t necessarily account for all exes.
Like I said at the beginning of this article there are a lot of reasons for why people fall out of love.
But I thought we’d go deeper and hear from a real person who got their ex back after they said “I’m not in love with you.”
Someone who legitimately asked their ex what was going on after they got them back.
Hearing From A Real Person Who Got Their Ex Back After They Said “I’m Not In Love With You”
Original Link To Interview: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/success-story-he-said-i-dont-feel-in-love-with-you-and-then-came-back/
I interviewed Kelsey earlier this year after she got her ex back. The reason I chose her success story is because literally during the breakup his reasoning for leaving was the classic:
“I’m not in love with you anymore”
And Kelsey was smart enough to ask her ex after she got him back why he had said that.
His answer was interesting.
So here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to pull the transcript and show you EXACTLY what I asked and what she said.
Chris: Before you were together you weren’t dependent or anxious at all? Were you?
Kelsey: No, no, I wasn’t.
Chris: So my argument would be that he fell in love with that type of a person. But over the course of a relationship, you probably got triggered with your anxiousness or triggered with your dependent so much. . And that maybe repelled him. But what’s interesting is you got a lot of like on the breakup, he said, like, I’m in love with you, but I’m not in love with you kind of.
Kelsey: Yeah, yes, yes. Right.
Chris: Did you ever like after the fact when you got him back kind of asked him about that? Like, what was the feeling in the breakup moment?
Kelsey: Yeah, I mean, we talked about that. And he did say that, he felt like he couldn’t have his own space. And I do you remember, he would always ask for space. And I never gave that to him. And that was something that I really regretted after the breakup. And so now, like, we’re really good at giving each other space now, so it’s, it’s so different?
You know, the thing that really sticks out to me is her saying that he did say that he felt like he couldn’t have his own space.
This is very in line with what we see avoidants say and do.
If you look at the core wound of an avoidant, often it is a loss of independence.
I’ve talked about this A LOT!
So sometimes, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone, it can feel suffocating for an avoidant, as they feel like they’re losing their independence.
And literally what this particular ex said was he’s always having to ask for space.
Unfortunately, Kelsey never gave it to him.
Now, does that necessarily mean that every single person who says that they are not in love with you anymore and ultimately comes back, cites space as the reason?
But when you consider the fact that most of the exes we study tend to veer more towards avoidant attachment styles, it does kind of make sense.
What Are The Major Signs That An Ex Whose Lost Feelings Will Come Back?
Let’s move on to the major signs that an ex who’s lost feelings is coming back.
Now, ultimately, there are four main things that I think you need to pay attention to,
- They find an excuse to hang out together
- Directly bring up your social media posts
- They bring up the relationship a lot
- You are content with yourself
And, since we’re using Kelsey’s success story as our kind of guinea pig, I actually spent a good 30 minutes re-listening to it and highlighting these four things within her situation.
Sign #1: Found An Excuse To Hang Out Together:
Alright, so the first signal is: he found an excuse to hang out together.
Here’s a direct quote from Kelsey backing this up:
Kelsey: Oh, yeah. I was just getting to that. So he so he would be like, Oh, I don’t want to hang out as friends or anything like that. But he would find a way to hang out with me somehow. And that’s where the food delivery would come in. Because he would be like, Oh, I think we could deliver food together and it came out of nowhere.
Now, what I find interesting about this is if you actually look at what Kelsey’s ex had to say, he said,
“I don’t want to hang out as friends or anything like that.”
So, he says one thing, but when it came down to it, he did another thing. He actually found a way to hang out with her. I believe he was an Uber Eats driver, or a Grubhub driver, or DoorDash, (one of those) and he would invite her along for the rides and they would kind of bond over those rides.
This also kind of goes into this idea: for an avoidant specifically, the best type of an in-person interaction for them is something that is not going to be construed as romantic.
And the reason is pretty simple. Romantic dates have romantic connotations.
You almost have to work up to them if you’re dealing with an avoidant.
Instead, going on a meetup or something that is considered not very romantic but can be construed as a decent time together is sort of the way to go. And that’s kind of what he offered here.
He was the one who found excuses to hang out with her, but the location in which he hung out with her originally was coming on food deliveries. Not particularly romantic, but in and of itself it allowed conversations to unfold.
Sign #2: They Directly Bring Up Your Social Media Posts:
The next big sign is: they’ll directly bring up your social media posts.
One of the big things that we always recommend our clients do after a breakup is to get into the habit of posting on social media.
Now, this doesn’t mean you turn the knob from zero to 60 if you had never posted on social media before, but what it does mean is you slowly start increasing the frequency in which you’re posting and also the quality of the things that you’re posting.
To quote from Kelsey:
Kelsey: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I would just like post different places of like, where I was going, and whenever I was out with friends, and apparently he noticed that a lot. So he would bring that up. And he would, and like, I started going to the gym as well. And he would point that out as well, like, oh, I can see you’re becoming so fit and so healthy. And then I feel like he definitely at the beginning of the breakup, I saw, he was really trying hard to look good. Like you started going to the gym every single day. And then after about a month after the breakup, he looked like he became so depressed.
Why this is important is, especially after a breakup, we so often believe that, especially if we’re discarded and an ex said, “Hey, I’m not in love with you anymore, I’ve lost feelings for you.”
We have this internal belief that they’re not interested in what we’re doing anymore.
But I think Kelsey’s ex kind of bucks that trend.
Not only was he paying attention to the things that she was doing, but he actively looked depressed when it looked like she was kind of growing after the breakup and he wasn’t growing after the breakup.
You know there’s that famous meme of what men are like after a breakup versus what women are like after a breakup.
And it’s kind of like for men, they’re looking really happy, but over time they get kind of sad, and for women, they’re looking kind of sad at the beginning but over time they get really happy.
That was playing out in real life, at least from Kelsey’s perspective, and it would make sense.
Usually, someone who breaks up with you because they say they’re not in love with you anymore often believes that you are the problem, and that moving on to someone else is going to be the cure to that problem.
But, when they’re actually left alone – maybe that’s what they want at first – they may find it’s not as easy out there as they think.
This realization can become particularly depressing and it fits right in with our avoidant death wheel.
You know, stage seven is “I’m starting to feel kind of lonely,” and stage eight is “Why can’t I ever find the right person?”
These are all the thoughts that make it more likely for them to start putting their attention back on the last person that they can’t seem to get over.
Sign #3: Ex Brings Up The Relationship A Lot
Here’s proof of that in Kelsey’s situation:
Kelsey: And I think he noticed that a lot. Because he just kept asking more deeper questions like, oh, because I never, I never knew if he ever, like thought about me, because he kept ignoring me all the time. I never knew how he felt. I thought he was like, completely over me. And then he would bring it up himself and be like, oh, yeah, I watched I always watch your stories. And I saw you went to this place. And I was like, Oh, I didn’t know you paid attention to that. But it really proves that they do pay attention when you post something online. It may seem like they’re not looking, but I feel like they right.
One of the things that I always tell my clients, especially when they’re in these in-person meetups, is to try to avoid any really emotional conversations about the breakup itself.
It’s okay to sprinkle in little conversations about the relationship or good peak memories of the relationship, but generally speaking, we don’t want to bring up super negative thoughts about the breakup itself.
But Kelsey’s ex seemed to buck that trend as well.
After she thought he was completely over her, he would be the one to bring up parts of the relationship himself. He would ask her deep questions and even admit to watching her stories.
Sign #4: You Are Content With Yourself (No Matter What)
This may seem like a cliche, but I’m going to use Kelsey’s exact words here.
I asked Kelsey, “If you look at the entirety of your relationship and what worked to help you get your ex back, what was the biggest lesson you learned?”
Her exact words were,
Kelsey: The most important factor, I think, was definitely finding myself more. I felt like I kind of lost myself in the relationship before because I felt like he was a part of my identity. And so, I thought it’s very important for me to find what I’m good at, what I enjoy doing, and just continue doing that. And in that process, it would be nice to get him back at the same time. But also just being happy with who I am, and I know that we all have things we can improve on, but just knowing that I’m content at the end of the day whether I get him back or not. And I even told him that.”
What Kelsey is saying here hits at the heart of what I think every person who goes through a breakup should potentially realize.
We find that most of our clients that we have, have anxious attachment styles, which makes them more likely to lean towards having more codependent tendencies.
Now, Kelsey saying, “I felt like I lost myself in the relationship before because I felt like it was a part of my identity” is a classic codependent thing to say. A lot of times, with codependents, their entire identity is wrapped up with the ex, and our job is to make them content with their circumstances without their ex.
And usually, when you do that, that makes you more attractive to not only that ex but other potential suitors as well.
And that’s the lesson that Kelsey learned.
And I think that’s the long pole in the tent, no matter how you look at it. It’s the thing that most people neglect because it’s not the sexy thing to talk about. It’s not the thing that you can text your ex and immediately get this really cool response.
It’s hard work and it doesn’t end – ever. You just need to continue. It’s an endless pursuit. But it’s the thing that works the best.