I know what its like to want someone you love back.

I know the pain you feel when you wake up in the morning. I know what its like to constantly check your phone hoping to get a message from them. Heck, I even know what its like to quickly grab your phone every time to get a message and actually get angry when it isn’t from your ex..

I have seen women try everything there is to try (one woman actually did a love spell.) I have seen women do everything right and fail. I have even seen women get so wrapped up in their ex relationships that they refuse to let go (no matter how the crazy circumstances are.)

Knowing when to let go is a tough thing to decipher because often times you are so close to your own situation that you are blind to the truth.

This is where I come in.

Lately I have gotten a lot of women requesting a guide on how you should know when it is time to stop trying to get your ex boyfriend back.

Well, this is that guide!

The funny part about this is that this is the first guide in the history of this site that I have put together without research. I usually spend a day or two looking online for other ideas to incorporate into my writing but I wasn’t able to find a guide covering this topic because it is one that very few people want to talk about.

Alright, lets get started.

Have You Tried Everything The RIGHT Way Yet?

 do it right

I am a robot..

You don’t believe me?

I want you to do me a favor. Stop what you are doing for a few moments and search through some of the other guides on this site and look at the comments. Do you notice how robotic I sound in my replies to people?

“Have you done NC?”

“How long has it been since you last talked to him?”

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah..

Have you ever wondered why I sound so robotic? It’s not because I am trying to give people generic answers to save time. It’s because they aren’t trying to get their ex back in the right way and that annoys me.

Here is my philosophy on the whole “recovery” process when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back.

If you really love someone and I mean truly love them. Then you should try everything you can (in the smartest way possible) to try to get them back if something happens that causes you to break up. Now, the one wrinkle in this philosophy is that sometimes what you want isn’t always the best thing for you in the long run.

Heck, I believe this so much I wrote a book trying to teach people the correct way to win an ex back.

So, I always feel like I am constantly telling women:

“I want you to take a step back and really ask yourself, is getting back with him the best thing for you in the future?”

The funny part about this is that after a breakup there tends to be this mental block of all the “bad times” and an instant rush of all the good times. However, if you are able to combine both the good times and the bad times together and are able to say:

“You know what? I think having him in my life is the best thing for me!”

Then I see no reason for why you shouldn’t give it your all in trying to get him back.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Doing Things The RIGHT Way

like a boss

Sure, you may have tried to get your ex back but can you honestly say that you did the best you could?

Look, I realize that it is weird to dedicate so much time on getting your ex back on a page about knowing when to give up BUT sometimes in order to know when to give up you have to try to get your ex boyfriend back.

Weird huh?

I am basically telling you that in order to know for sure if you have a shot at making this work again you have to try to get your ex boyfriend back.

BUT

The thing that I want you to remember is that just merely trying to get him back isn’t going to be enough.. You are going to have to do things the right way.

So, this begs the question.

What is the right way to get your ex boyfriend back?

I suppose there isn’t a “true” right way but I will say that I have helped hundreds of women get their exes back with the methods outline in this site and in my E-Book. So, if you are going to try a “correct” method you might want to try something that is already proven.

Of course, the purpose of this guide isn’t to teach you how to get your ex back it’s to teach you when to say:

“enough is enough”

Lets put our focus in that area now!

When Should You Give Up?

give-up

One thing that you are going to realize really fast is that things are never as simple as black and white when it comes to determining if you should give up on getting an ex back.

Most people believe that you should either try to get your ex back or you should just simply move on. The truth of the matter is that reality is never that simple. For example, sometimes the only way to tell if a situation is helpless is for you to actually try to get your boyfriend back.

A lot of what I talk about in this section of the guide is going to tie directly into the methods of getting an ex back.

So, how is this part of the guide going to be structured?

Well, I am going to list (one by one) the signs that an ex boyfriend might exhibit that will give you an indication on if you should give up or not.

But first, there is something extremely important that needs to be covered.

A Factor Of Three

three mem

Getting your ex boyfriend back is not supposed to be easy. If it was then everyone would be doing it and this site wouldn’t even need to exist.

I always roll my eyes when someone asks me:

“Why is this so hard?”

What? You thought it would be easy?

Yes, it is true that this site can be an incredible resource. It is also true that hundreds of women have gotten their exes back using it. However, just because I do my best to lay things out for you doesn’t mean that its going to be easy.

So, what is the point of this rant?

Lets say that you are attempting to get your ex boyfriend back. Throughout the course of your attempt things aren’t going exactly as you planned so you give up. The first sign of real resistance and you gave up…

Tsk.. Tsk.. Tsk…

You can’t give up the second something doesn’t go your way. You have to keep trying until you are absolutely sure that your attempt isn’t worth it anymore. That brings us to the point of this small section.

How do you know when your attempt isn’t worthy anymore?

Simple, I would like to introduce you to my “factor of three” theory.

Take a look at the content below this section. You will notice that I talk about a lot of the signs that an ex boyfriend is no longer worth pursuing. In other words, these are signs of resistance that an ex boyfriend will give you when things aren’t going well. Now, I am used to women getting one of these signs and thinking the world has ended.

It hasn’t (I assure you.)

This is why I want you to employ the “factor of three” theory. If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and you get a minimum of three of the “resistances” that I discuss below from your ex boyfriend then it may be time to start thinking about giving up on trying to get him back.

Confused?

Hmm… I will try to make this as simplified as possible for you.

If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and a minimum of three of the negative things I talk about below happen then you may need to consider moving on…

Get it now?

No?

Jesus..

No, I am kidding lets move on to the “resistances.”

Resistance One- No Contact After No Contact

don't talk to me

As many of you already know, I am a huge fan of the no contact rule.

If you don’t know what that is then I suggest you check out these two guides: No Contact and the Male Mind During No Contact.

But for those of you who don’t already know what it is, it is basically this period of time (that you set aside) where you don’t talk to your ex at all. The way I teach women how to do it is pretty simple. Here is the quick breakdown:

  • Enter into a no contact period (depending on your situation) between 15-90 days.
  • After the no contact period is completed compose a text message to your ex boyfriend.

Obviously the text message should be really good and I give plenty examples on how to compose one throughout this website and even in my E-Book. What I would like to talk about is what happens after the no contact period and it is probably one of the most negative outcomes that can occure.

Imagine for a moment that you went into a no contact period for, lets say 30 days. After the initial 30 day period was up you decided to compose a text message to send to your ex boyfriend. Now, most ex boyfriends are going to respond after the no contact period BUT lets say that your ex boyfriend doesn’t. So, being the smart woman that you are, you decide to wait a week and then text your ex again. Unfortunately, just like last time, there is no answer. Now you are starting to get worried. You decide to give it one more try. Again you wait a week and again he doesn’t respond to your text.

This is a bad sign.

Sure, it can sometimes be normal for an ex boyfriend to miss a text or two from you but if he literally cuts you out of his life by not responding to anything you send.. well, that’s not good. It may be a sign that you have to start looking into other male prospects.

Of course, the thing that you are probably wondering is what can you do to get him to contact you again?

Ultimately the best advice that I can give you here is to be patient. Look, if you find yourself in this situation then you need to handle it very carefully. Going full on text gnat is not the way to go here. The chances are very high that the two of you will talk again but it needs to be on his terms and not yours.

Again, I want to reiterate it is not a good sign if he ignores you every time when you are reaching out..

Lets move on.

 Resistance Two- Negative Text Message Responses

grinch meme

This is another one of those situations where we are going to be focusing on what happens AFTER the no contact rule is successfully completed.

The big difference between resistance one and resistance two is the fact that your ex boyfriend is going to be responding to your text messages except he is not going to be doing it in a “positive manner.” Avid readers of this site know that there are really only three types of text message responses.

  1. Positive
  2. Neutral
  3. Negative

Positive responses are what you are always shooting for in a conversation with your ex.

However, what if an ex boyfriend of yours responded but only responded to you in a negative manner? To refresh your memory here is what a series of “negative” responses would look like:

negative responses

Obviously this is the “PG-13” version of negative responses but imagine how hard it would be to try to get someone back if all they ever did was treat you like this in their responses.

What do you think makes an ex boyfriend handle a texting situation in this way?

Well, it could be any number of things.

Maybe he is angry that you did the no contact on him.

Perhaps it could be that he is just taking his frustrations out on you because of his own inability to hold together your relationship.

However, if I were a betting men I would say that it all comes down to the feeling he gets when he thinks back to your relationship.

It shouldn’t exactly be a shock that a lot of the time the better your relationship with your ex was the better the shot you have of getting him back. Imagine for a moment that your relationship with your ex boyfriend was filled with nothing but negativity. He felt it and you felt it and every time both of you think back on it there isn’t much “good” to it. It is this bad feeling vibe that can cause your ex to respond to you in a negative way.

Resistance Three- Fighting, Fighting, Fighting

pai mei

I know what it is like to be in a relationship that is full of fights.

I hate fights.

I hate them so much.

However, I know that it is a normal part of the relationship process so you should come to expect them. The most successful couples are the ones that can navigate through the fights and take something positive from them. Let me give you an example.

Lets say that person A and person B started dating. While their relationship was good in almost all the other areas they have one major problem, they fight a lot. Oh, and I am not talking about the type of fighting where they both feel like they “accomplished” something. I am talking about the type of fighting where they are both yelling at the top of their lungs and saying the most hurtful things they can think of to each other.

Both person A and B are yelling.

They are saying hurtful stuff.

Fighting over meaningless things (like someone falling asleep during a movie.)

And after the fight is over they are going to make up “briefly” only to resume the horrors of fighting in a week.

Now, I bet you are wondering what this has to do with getting your ex back?

In the last section we briefly discussed how men can sometimes have negative responses based on the bad feelings they had in their previous relationships. Well, I don’t know about you but fighting can create some pretty bad feelings so not only can it lead to more negative responses (like we discussed above) but it can cause more fighting AFTER the breakup occurs.

One thing that I see happen far too often is that when a no contact rule is completed a couple can sometimes pick up right where they left off with the fighting. Sometimes no matter how calm one party remains the chemisty and history between the couple will trump all logic and you will find yourself in an emotional fight.

As I said at the beginning of this section, fighting is a natural thing for relationships but what we are talking about here is an excess of fighting. Too much fighting where NOTHING gets accomplished is never a good thing. This is why I usually recommend to the women reading this site to never get in a fight with your ex boyfriend no matter what.

This brings us to an interesting topic.

What happens if no matter what you can’t help but fight with the person you love?

If this is the case then I would like you to do a lot of soul searching here. Imagine what a relationship with this person would be like if you got back with them. Do you honestly think that you would be able to create that “new and better” relationship that I am always going on about? Do you think you would be able to stop the constant arguments and fights? Do you think you could fight in a way where something gets accomplished rather than in a way meant to hurt the other person?

But most importantly, do you think HE is capable of doing these things?

There is no doubt in my mind that YOU are capable of trying to create a better relationship but you are only one side of the equation. The other side, his side, is just as important. So, when you really take a step back and look at the situation objectively do you see him being able to put in the amount of effort you are when it comes to bettering the relationship?

Think about that for a while..

Resistance Four- I Don’t Want You

I don't like you

If an ex boyfriend ever says “I don’t want you back” and means it then that is not a good sign.

The thing you really have to keep in mind when you deal with a man who says something like this is that you have to figure out if he means it or not. So, I am going to use this section to describe how you can do just that.

What if you and I dated and broke up. It really doesn’t matter who broke up with who all that matters is the fact that we did indeed break up. Now, the break up wasn’t exactly what you would call a “mature one.” Both of us were angry with eachother and we both said some hurtful things. Among the hurtful things I told you that “I never wanted you back.”

Most women when they hear those five words go into an immediate panic mode (especially if they want their ex back.)

The thing that you have to remember is that if these words are muttered to you by an ex you need to determine if he means them or not. Usually, if the words are muttered during a super emotional time you can disregard them because deep down he may not mean it.

Of course, I want to spend most of our time focusing on what happens in the mind of a man if he actually means the “I don’t want you back” words. But first, lets examine HOW you can determine if he means what he says.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Have you ever heard that phrase “actions speak louder than words?”

I can’t tell you how many times I have muttered this phrase throughout my life and throughout this site.

If you ever want to see what a person TRULY wants (their words aside) you need to look at their actions. When I was 22 years old I remember talking to a girl that I had a lot of interest in. To me, it seemed like she had a lot of interest in me. She was saying all the right things and making me feel like I was the only one she cared about. Basically, with her words she convinced me that she was very interested in me. However, every time I would try to take the next step and ask her on a date she would either say she couldn’t or she would accept the date and cancel it at the last minute.

Lets break this situation down a little bit.

This girl said things to me to make me feel like she was very interested in me (WORDS.)

However, when it came down to crunch time and advancing the relationship forward she would always cancel on me. (ACTIONS.)

So, while her words said one thing her actions said another. In case you are wondering, actions mean a lot more than words.

Lets apply this type of thinking to your ex boyfriend.

If your ex says that he never wants you back those are simply words. While those words may mean something what you really need to be looking at are his actions. For example, lets say that your ex says he doesn’t want you back. However, with time he is constantly wanting to see you. When he does get to see you he can’t keep his hands off of you. He is always hugging you and touching your hands. These actions would suggest that he feels an attraction for you and may still want you back.

Of course, this can also work in the reverse.

If an ex boyfriend says he doesn’t want you back and never answers your text messages, phone calls or constant attempts to advance the “recovery” process then his actions are stating that he may indeed not want you back.

Do you see how this works?

Resistance Five- The Fallout From The Previous Relationship

riding a nuke

This isn’t really a warning sign “per say” but it is something very important that I feel needs to be discussed.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately and have been trying to figure out some new concepts that I can explain to you to give you a better idea of how the whole “ex recovery” process is supposed to work. One thing I have been noticing more and more is that I can almost predict which women have the best chances of getting an ex boyfriend back and it all has to do with the relationship they had with their ex.

Lets pretend for a moment that I am dating a beautiful former model (I can dream right ;).) The relationship between us was actually pretty good. There weren’t a lot of fights, just the normal ones here and there. After about a year the two of us broke up but the breakup wasn’t too horrible. There wasn’t any yelling and while there was crying it wasn’t too bad.

Now, I would consider this to be a pretty “good” breakup. Lets take a look at the opposite side of the coin.

Lets pretend that I am dating a famous movie actress (hey, this is my fantasy so don’t be critical ;).) Throughout our relationship we are constantly fighting. I am yelling at the top of my lungs and she is yelling at the top of hers. I constantly get jealous of her and she is constantly jealous of me. Eventually the stress of the relationship gets to be too much for both of us and we break up. However, we don’t just “break up” we have the break up to end all break ups. I am talking about a lot of yelling, saying hurtful things and just a dash of crying.

This is what I would consider to be a “bad” breakup.

Now, when you read the two (obviously fake) simulations of the relationships what did you notice?

Well, for starters the first example seemed a lot healthier and pleasant whereas the second example seemed really stressful and unhealthy. Just by knowing what you know about relationships which “fake couple” do you think has a better chance of getting back together?

If you guessed the couple in the first example then you would be right.

I see it time and time again throughout the site. When I talk to women who get their exes back one common thread I see between the many successes is the fact that a lot of them had very good relationships with their ex boyfriend.

I believe there is a certain amount of fallout that follows you around after a breakup. The amount of fallout that follows you is dictated by a number of factors.

Fallout Factor 1- Your Previous Relationship

The worse your relationship was with your ex boyfriend the more fallout you are going to have following you around after the breakup. Its a pretty simple concept really. It all ties into the bad feelings that your ex may associate with you when he thinks back to your relationship.

He may think to himself. I remember how much we used to fight and he will get a bad feeling in his gut. Then he will think back to the time that you got jealous over something that wasn’t that big of a deal and associate that with a bad feeling. The process will go on and on and it all ties into how bad your relationship with your ex was before the breakup.

Of course, this can also work in the opposite way.

For example, if your previous relationship was pretty good then you can expect a positive fallout to follow you around after the breakup. In this case every time your ex boyfriend thinks back to your relationship instead of being filled with a bunch of bad feelings he is going to be filled with good feelings.

Fallout Factor 2- Your Breakup

Another thing that a lot of people tend to forget is the fact that your breakup can be a huge fallout indicator.

Lets play a fake scenario out for a little bit here to illustrate this point.

Imagine for a moment that you and I dated. I want you to forget everything that happened in our “fake” relationship and only focus on the breakup that will occur between the two of us. Lets pretend that it was a really bad breakup. I am talking about a HORRIBLE breakup. A “Buffy and Angel” type of breakup (Buffy aficionados will know what I am talking about here.)

As humans we are hooked into this endless loop of newness. Meaning that all we are interested in is finding out the latest information, the newest stuff if you will. We only tend to remember the most recent thing that happens to us. For instance, if you and I had amazing conversations for two weeks straight but had one fight the next week for some reason all that we would focus on is the pain that, that fight causes us and not the amazing conversations that we had prior to the fight.

This is the kind of effect that a bad breakup can have.

For a while at least the negative connotation of a bad breakup will always be in the back of an ex boyfriends mind. I actually have some experience with this phenomenon as I have been through a very bad breakup in my life. All I can tell you is that still even to this day I think about how bad it was and it is one of the reasons that I would not consider getting back with that particular ex.

Resistance Six- Does Your Relationship Fit?

make sense

Again, this is another one of those sections that isn’t really resistance you are getting from your ex boyfriend. In fact, it is just the opposite. It is all about the inner resistance within yourself.

Lets get serious for a moment.

What matters to you?

Do you want a husband? Do you want kids? Do you just want a boyfriend to be there? Do you want to be friends with benefits with someone?

I guess what I am trying to ask you is what is your overall goal with a relationship?

Most of the women I communicate with through Ex Boyfriend Recovery are quite intelligent. However, you may be shocked to learn that not many of them think very far ahead.

I get that there is a certain allure to “living in the now” and truth be told if there is one flaw I can find about myself this would be it. I always have this need to think about the future and how my actions in the “now” will affect the future. My problem is that I never enjoy the now because I am too busy worrying about the future.

Many of your flaws are the opposite of mine. You are stuck in the now with how you are feeling about your ex boyfriend. Sometimes this can blind you from the future and that is not always a good thing. The trick is to find a perfect balance between living in the now while thinking towards the future.

What does this any of this have to do with knowing if you should give up on your ex boyfriend?

I really want you to think for a moment.

When you take a step back and look at your relationship with your ex boyfriend do you think any of the effort is worth it? The easy answer that I usually get is “yes, absolutely it is worth it.. blah.. blah.. blah..” It takes an amazing woman to admit that maybe going after her ex boyfriend isn’t the best idea because in the end the relationship doesn’t fit together the best it could.

I know I just made it sound so simple but it’s really not. In fact, out of everything that I have ever talked about on this website this concept in this section is the thing that many people fail to really see through. It’s hard to let someone go who you love with all you heart. Believe me I get it.

I know what it’s like to want someone so badly and not having them want you back. I know the exact feelings I felt when this happens to me. I go into this mini depression thinking that the world had ended and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. The truth of the matter is that there are plenty of other people out there. People twice as amazing as the person you fell for. It’s funny, I even remember thinking this to myself during the mini depression and I remember dismissing it like it wasn’t true.

BUT

Eventually when you do meet that someone who is twice as amazing as your ex was your world gets rocked all over again and you start to gain perspective. The only constant in this world is change. So many people try to fight it but I say accept it!

Now, there is one important thing that I have yet to cover.

How are you supposed to take a step back and determine if a relationship is worth fighting for with your ex boyfriend?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Using The Future To Affect Your Decisions

Some relationships don’t fit.

It’s really sad but its very true. Determining how to figure out if your relationship with your ex boyfriend is worth it is not a particularly easy process. Now, I want to be clear. What I tell you to do here will be very easy to understand. So easy in fact that you are probably going to wonder what the heck I was talking about with that “hard stuff.” The truth is that understanding it isn’t the hard part. It is actually doing it that is.

I want you to step out of the now for a moment and start thinking about the future. I want you to think about where you see yourself in five years. Now, relationship wise do you think your ex boyfriend can hold up? Do you think he can fit into your life? Will he be trustworthy? Can you always count on him?

If you just want him back to make the pain go away then you are being a coward and taking the easy way out. What you need to do is determine if he is worth having in your life in the future. How do his goals match up with yours? All of this stuff matters and it is time to start thinking about the hard stuff.

What to Read Next

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1,125 thoughts on “When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?”

  1. Avatar

    Louise

    October 26, 2020 at 11:27 pm

    My boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me in January. We were having problems communicating, made worse by the fact his new job was 7 hours away and we barely saw each other. I knew we’d have to have some serious talks and figure things out, but I didn’t think he would want to end it. He said we hadn’t been in love for a while, that we weren’t growing together, and something just didn’t feel right.. I was devastated. He didn’t want to try therapy. The month before he was wondering out loud about how he should propose to me. I don’t understand how his feelings changed so quickly. The month following the break up he was home from work for a week, and we were together, like everything was normal. It seemed like everything would work out. He told me this was all about getting me out of the house and finding hobbies. After he left for work I met him halfway and we spent the night together.. But, speaking on the phone a week or two later he talked about needing to move out. He said that the last few weeks were great but he “had to look at the relationship as a whole.”

    I talked to him a lot over the following months, trying to convince him that our relationship was worth fighting for. The most I got was conceding that maybe, someday in the future, it was a possibility. But for now he just wanted to “focus on himself and his career.” With how busy he was at work, he said he didn’t have time for a relationship.

    Before moving his phone number off my plan, I looked at his phone records and confronted him about other women he had been speaking to on almost a daily basis for the past few months, women he never told me about. It turned out one was a coworker. I said “in what world is it okay to start a close friendship with another woman and hide it from your girlfriend?” I was angry. He told me he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to get jealous, and I that can’t handle normal stress situations. Eventually he said he can understand how bad it looks, but it’s really nothing like that. Over the next few conversations I would bring it up and pry for more information. He would tell me nothing about these other women other than they were just friends.

    We didn’t talk much after that. He never made attempts to call me, and I pointed that out. He’d say he didn’t have time, and that I’m lucky he’s making time for me now. In another conversation I told him I still have hope for us, and he said I need to get rid of that hope. He laughed it off saying it sounded so effed up, but he meant it, like to get my mind off of him and be happy on my own.

    I tried to stop talking to him a couple times. Each time for an entire month. But I’m always the one to finally reach out. It’s like every time we speak he’s more and more distant. His text replies get shorter and more curt. Even a while after the break up he would call me “hun”, but that stopped too.

    It seems like no matter what he says or does and how it hurts me, I still want to believe there’s a possibility it can work out. I don’t understand how 10 years of love can just evaporate like that. I feel, even now, completely devastated, while he seems like he’s doing just fine. I wish I felt fine. Sometimes I feel like it’s going to be okay even without him, but those moments are fleeting. I always come back to the reality that he’s not here, and doesn’t want to be here, and it’s overwhelming. I lost my best friend and the person I thought I was sharing the rest of my life with.

  2. Avatar

    anon

    July 27, 2020 at 11:09 pm

    I could really use your help. My ex broke up with me about two months ago. We were together (long distance) for about six months after we hit it off last summer. Due to COVID, we were in the same town again starting in March. We got in a fight in May – I was upset he was spending so much time with his friends and not with me, and he decided to end it. I made the mistake of begging during the break up but went into NC almost immediately after. Two weeks into NC he reached out – I kept the conversation short, ended it early, and went back into NC. One week later he reached out again. We ended up meeting in person that weekend. He told me we should start over as friends, but then kissed me and told me how much he missed me before we said goodbye. He started initiating a lot of conversations after that. He also planned another in person meeting for the following weekend; but once I tried to DTR, he said we were still “just friends.” I told him not to contact me again until he had figured out what he wanted (I’m sorry, but I do NOT kiss my friends!). He backed off on conversation for a while, and I did too. The following week, we met up in person again and had a normal, friendly interaction. He wanted to see me again that weekend and planned another outing – this one happened to be romantic (a trip to a secluded beach, just the two of us). He kissed me again that day and took me back to his place where we watched a movie, cuddled, and kissed some more. I found out a couple days later that, in his mind, we were still “just friends.” I backed off again, and so did he. I didn’t see him again until this past weekend (so a two week break between meetings), when he initiated plans. I spent all of Saturday with him. Again, there was kissing and cuddling. At one point, we fell asleep while cuddling, and I had nightmares. He pulled me in close and held me tightly, even after I woke up. He even kissed me lovingly on the forehead. When he dropped me off for the evening, I accidentally told him I loved him. It felt so natural after everything that had happened, and I genuinely meant it. He drove off without another word; I’m assuming he texted me when he got home, but all he said was “Thank you”. I was humiliated, still am. I can tell he still cares about me a lot; it’s there in his actions, but he won’t commit to me. Is it time for me to give up? Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 8:52 pm

      Hey there, it is really only you who can decide when to give up or not. However if you want to follow this program you need to start with a NC where you work on your Holy Trinity and read and prepare yourself for the texting phase. Read some more articles and see how you feel about reaching out to him at the end of the 30 days

  3. Avatar

    Caitlin

    July 2, 2020 at 11:43 pm

    I was with my fiancé for 6 n half years. He broke up with me a little over a month ago because of fighting issues and moved out. We have a 5 yr old and I’m pregnant with our son. I have begged and pleaded. I try to save our family. We have better talks now but he tells me we got to talk more about us but never reaches out. I feel like I’m the only one trying to save our family. At this point I don’t know what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 4, 2020 at 12:20 am

      Hi Caitlin, you need to follow a limited no contact and work on yourself for some time, where you only speak to him about the children and nothing else. Then you need to start the texting phase once you have worked on yourself, at the moment your ex has no sense of loss as he knows he could come back if he wanted to

  4. Avatar

    Kristine

    June 3, 2020 at 11:29 am

    Hi. Ive been dating a guy for about a month now. I know it sounds like nothing, but we’ve had a real intense connection and gotten really close in a short period of time, as we have been spending so much time together. He is the relationship-guy and has been saying/showing since the start he is interested and ready for something serious. About a week ago i started a serious convo because i wanted to figure out if we were moving too fast. He said it worried him more that we had what he called «way different life goals». His dream in life is having kids and a family. I also want that, i havent thought about exactly when yet, but i am open. Apparently this turned out to be a problem for him.

    A couple of days ago he said we had to end things. I asked to call him, we talked for hours – it was a good talk about our relationship as well as other fun things. He really didnt want to end things, he said so and i could tell, but said he had started getting strong feelings, and therefore needed to end things now because he also had this feeling of «its not gonna work out» due to our «different» life goals. He had been thinking about this a lot the past days, had become real fond of me and was certain that if we kept going he would get even stronger feelings and then get really hurt if eventually we would break up (which his feeling that is «never wrong» told him we would). I did some light begging, and he asked for some time.

    Same evening he texted me and said i had convinced him, we could keep trying a bit more. I went to his town and spent the night, mood was good. Then the past couple days when we have met it is like he is holding back, the mood is kind of strange and tense, we are not connecting that well. Also his way of communicating with me has changed a bit, he initiates snaps but doesnt necessarily reply if i reply back to them, he doesnt ask about my day or to hang out (which he used to do every day). Im sure it is this feeling of «things are not going to work out» that is making him like this (his feelings cant vanish that quickly?). But how can i help him make this feeling disappear? What can i do? And how can i rid of the awkwardness that lingers when we hang out? Is there even any hope?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 16, 2020 at 8:18 pm

      Hi Kristine, so there is no way you can make things feel normal by yourself, it needs to be a natural feeling. In reality, you are talking about future plans much too soon, considering you have not been together that long to truly know the way you work in a long term relationship. Slow down and enjoy getting to know each other

  5. Avatar

    W

    May 8, 2020 at 8:00 pm

    Hi all, I had been with my ex for about 1.5 years. Three days ago we were having a great time, but few hours later, we had an argument because i found out that he hasnt been completely honest with me about his past. I understand his reasons, but i was still in shock and felt betrayed that he hid this from me while he had been telling me that he’s not hiding anything from me.

    None of us handled it well because I was crying next to him and he just ignore me and continues to watch TV, so i asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he said no. He said that I was too soft for him because he thought that it wasnt that big of a deal, but I still felt betrayed by his dishonesty. I asked why, and he said that he’s only weighing me down because i have a brighter future than he does.

    I wanted to leave ASAP, but he had someone else outside and didnt want to make a scene, so i stayed in his room and we cuddled for a while, enjoying each other’s presence for the last time before I leave. I loved him so much because I know he is a good person, but it seems like we are in a different points of our lives right now. We dont really have a good communication skill because he always wants to brush everything under the rug while I want to solve it. I am just really sad that he doesnt even try to step it up for me.

    Hours later after I got home, he sent me a snapchat and said that he doesnt know what he wants, and he doesnt know what he wants in his life. He said that he doesnt need a relationship, and that I am probably the best girlfriend (yes he said girlfriend eventhough we were broken up few hours earlier) that he could ask for, and that he is thankful to have me in his life. Of course I didnt reply cus I wanted to go straight to NC. How long should i do NC? and is he even going to reach out eventually? should i archive his pictures from my instagram?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 19, 2020 at 11:51 am

      Hey W, so no do not do anything with your social media as it all appears highly emotional and you do not want that right now. You need to do a 30 day NC for now and focus yourself, and if you can deal with his past. I would suggest that you take note of how it is in his past, we all have history and we are all allowed to choose who we share our history with. If it does not affect your relationship you should respect that he has moved on from that phase of his life

  6. Avatar

    Carol ann

    April 11, 2020 at 10:58 pm

    Hi, my name is carol ann
    I have been with my ex boyfriend for over 3 years this September it was going to be 4 years. A week and 2 days ago my ex and I had an argument we were inside of my car. I was mad at him for making me wait outside his house but I decided to keep it to my self and not tell him anything. We ended up ordering food so we could eat at his house. On our way back we started arguing over everything. then I brought up the conversation where I told him I didn’t like waiting outside for him. Now I realize that I shouldn’t have brought it up and leave it how it was. we didn’t had physical fights or said bad words to each other I was yelling at him and he was yelling at me. He didn’t want to give in and neither did I. After a while I started crying. He got out of my car and closed the door and walked away. I went to his house to leave him the food that we had order, at this point I wasn’t hungry and I didn’t want to take it to my house. After I got in my car to drive home he had txt me that it was Over he doesn’t want or need this in his life. He also told me that he was going to get all my belongings from his house and give it to his sister so she could give them to me. He made me feel so bad at this point I knew he didn’t want anything from me or even see me. I started using the no contact rule after the breakup to give me a chance to clear my mind and catch up on myself. I know it’s still early on and I need to wait until at least 30 days after the no contact rule. My question is after the no contact is over I know I could be stubborn and I want to wait for him to message me or call me since I’m still hurt that he was the one that broke up with me. Knowing that he is the same way I have a feeling that he is waiting for me to call him or message as well. How can I approach that cituation? after the no contact is over and if I didn’t contact him or he didn’t contact me does this mean it’s pretty much over?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 13, 2020 at 3:43 pm

      Hi Carol Ann, yes if neither of you contact each other that your relationship would be done, as you are not goign to be able to get someone back if you are not willing to communicate. At day 31 you are supposed to reach out yourself to break the ice, having a short positive conversation with your ex about something you know he would be open to tlaking about. You do not reach out about the break up, the relationship or getting back together as this will just undo the work you did during your NC

  7. Avatar

    Kelly

    March 31, 2020 at 2:15 am

    Hello!

    I dated a guy for 2 years, part of which was long distance. The relationship took a break but we got back together for another 6 months after he pushed for us to get back together. The relationship ended again after my trust was broken. Neither of the breakups were bad enough that we stopped talking. We have been broken up for 6 months now but have been talking the whole time. I was in our hometown over the holidays during which we hung out and seriously talked about getting back together. A couple of weeks after we talked about getting back together he asked to meet up so we could talk. During the talk it was like a switch had flipped and he said that he didn’t know if getting back together was a smart idea because of the stress we were bother under but that he saw and wanted a future together down the road. I accepted this and went back to school but continued to talk to him for a month and a half, him knowing my intentions were to get back together. I recently came home and asked him for a concrete answer on if we were going to eventually get back together or not, to which he said that he didn’t know but would never say that it wasn’t going to happen. a week went by and he messaged me telling me that he wanted to give me a concrete answer. He told me that he didn’t think it was a smart idea for us to get back together for both of our sake and that we are great together but long distance is really hard for us but he also said that if it is meant to be, it will be. I told him that I still wanted to be together but I understood and that one day I hope it works out for us. He is truly the love of my life and would do anything in order for us to end up together, I know he truly cares about me but is also trying to figure his life out. I am also worried that he will move on and forget about me. This is why I have decided to do no contact so that I can distance myself the situation and him as well as give him time. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do, or how long I should do it for. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 8, 2020 at 2:54 pm

      Hi Kelly so normally we do 30 days No Contact, I would suggest that you aim for this and then re assess how you are feeling around day 27/28 on if you need to extend to 45 days NC

  8. Avatar

    BE

    February 2, 2020 at 11:24 pm

    Hello Exboyfriend-Back Team!
    I know a boy for 10 years. We have ca. 10 Dates and have had something physically a couple years ago, but don’t slept together. I wanted that he first commits. I wanted always to be his girlfriend. I know that he finds me attractive and likes our friendship. I was always after him and that turns him off I know. We have such good conversations and he helped me a lot in the conversations about things…I helped him too, and he knows that I still want to be with him in a relationship. When I was too clingy, he have said to me that I move on and find someone, more than 5 times. Recently he had told me, that he write with me because he like me and he see our writing as a friendship. Most of the time I have reached out to him and the he answers. His response is very interested and quite long, but nothing flirty, it is always about topics in which we both are interested or only one part is interested and then we discuss. I’m in the no contact at the moment, and our last talking was about that I have told him that I want him, then he wrote to me that he wishes that I find someone, and then I wrote I think I will find love much faster than you, and he told me, yes maybe, I wish you so that you finde someone who can give you unconditional love and vice versa. After this I asked him about his motivational letter, which I have corrected for him and he gave me a very friendly answer with smileys and so I too. Then I left the conversation (at high point) and now I’m in the no contact. What should I do to be interesting for him or should I give up?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 12, 2020 at 8:44 pm

      Hey BE, so if you want your ex back then you need to complete the no contact and then work on yourself for sometime. Then doing things that you know he is interested in and posting them online for him to be able to see what you are doing and what he is missing out on

  9. Avatar

    Sarah G

    October 24, 2019 at 6:24 pm

    Hello!

    I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for 10 1/2 years. Last year I turned 40 and felt stuck in my life. My ex and I weren’t moving forward and our relationship was stuck. He told me all of the time how happy he was with me, how I was his soulmate and his angel. I knew he loved me. I held back from marrying him or moving in with him because I was scared. I hemmed and hawed for a few months before finally deciding that a breakup was necessary for me to be a better partner and a better version of me. The break up was as fine as it could be….I cried he consoled me and I left his apartment. I don’t think he thought I was serious. The next day the emails started and the texts and phone calls. I was good at first and tried not to contact him until his attempts seemed super sad. We did end up chatting back and forth on occasion but we didn’t see each other. Fast forward 6 months and he shows up to my new apartment because he “had to see me.” We talked and I kissed him once. He left and we agreed to talk again soon. He continued to reach out to me via email, text and phone.

    Fast forward to February 2019….I had started a relationship with a man I’d known for a long time. He was someone I actually thought was the “one.” My current boyfriend found out I was still talking to my ex-boyfriend and immediately demanded that I block him and cut him out of my life. I was so scared and felt a little threatened so I conceded. I called my ex-boyfriend up at work and broke the news to him that I was in a relationship with someone else. I cried, he cried it was awful. I got 8 sobbing voice mail messages on my work phone (because I had been ordered to block him everywhere by my current boyfriend), and emails. Eventually, 10 days after that phone call he showed up at my house. I was petrified my current boyfriend would find out or show up and beat up my ex-boyfriend. During that visit my ex-boyfriend handed me a letter asking if there was any hope we could end up back together. I told him of course there was hope because I truly hadn’t given up hope because I did love my ex-boyfriend so much. I was so upset that I hurt him like that…..I couldn’t eat or sleep. I continued in my current relationship which eventually became very controlling, manipulative, mentally and emotionally abusive. I became a shell of a person and fell into a deep depression that I am still working my way out of. I am done with that boyfriend. No regrets there either.

    I reached out to my ex boyfriend via text in August 2019 asking if we could talk. He responded with, “There’s nothing for us to talk about. I have moved on with my life. Please respect that and please leave me alone.” I was crushed. I really thought we’d always be in contact. I tried to reach out to him via email but got no response. I finally drove to his house in October 2019(turnabout is fair play). He let me in and we talked for a little over 3 hours. I cried, he cried. We hugged. He even kissed me twice (he initiated it) but he said to me after the second kiss that it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it and he didn’t want to confuse me. Even after he said that he said it was taking a lot of his effort not to take me to his bed and have sex with me but he’s not that kind of person. He didn’t want to use me.

    He let me stay and talk to him some more but he said on more than one occasion I don’t have any spite for you I’m just over it. I agreed that I wouldn’t reach out or contact him again – he said he needed to be the one to reach out if he was going to do that. I asked him to unblock me and he said he’d have to think about it. It’s been 2 weeks and I am a wreck. I realize I messed up the best thing that happened to me and I just want him back. Did I mess it up forever?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2019 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Sarah, I think you need to spend some more time as a single right now and be happy in your own company but if you want him back you’re going to have to do something called the being there method – not because of another woman, because of the length of time you’ve been apart hes over the break up so he feels “happy” again now its almost like you need to regain his trust not his attraction to you. Good Luck

  10. Avatar

    Catherine

    October 10, 2019 at 1:41 am

    Hi Chris, I was recently in a relationship of 4 years and 7 months. We lived together (until I moved a hour away for school temporarily), he loves my family and I love his. I first suggested a break because he was unsure of the future with his career and his feelings for me. He said he still cares about me. But we recently cut the break short, and had a emotional two days, and he eventually broke up with me. He said that because when we fought our fights go to bad and blew way out of proportion, and that we always said we’d work on it and never did. He wanted to end things because of that. I tried to reason with him, saying “I need another chance” and tried to explain people name call and fight irrationally all the time. And he said he can’t see us fixing that part of the relationship, because there was so many chances. We were high school sweethearts. We are now 22. All I can see is a future with him and I don’t want this to be completely the end. He said he hopes to be friends and some day close friends. But I want more. What should I do? Is there hope?
    Thanks again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 12, 2019 at 8:27 am

      Hi Catherine, yes there is a chance if you follow the process starting with NC and working on being Ungettable, read as much as you can on the page about your situation and work on yourself to become the best version of you. Name calling and arguing is something you need to work on and learning how to communicate in an emotionally controlled manner when you are not happy about something. Sometimes it pushes people away even though you didnt mean what you said it can still stick with them

  11. Avatar

    Janelle

    May 19, 2019 at 12:22 am

    Hello. My ex recently dumped me after we both graduated and told me that he thought about doing it for a month or so. He moved back home (he’s out of state) and I decided to stay in the town that we graduated from. Well, long story short he told me that he was not happy anymore and if we stayed together that his happiness will always take a backseat to mine. Over the past month, he grew really distant from me and when I asked him what was bothering him he always told me that he didn’t know. He has been really stressed about school and no matter what I did to try and cheer him up nothing helped or worked. He told me that I didn’t know what to do to cheer him up and that I only made matters worse. After the break up he would still text me that he loves me and that he’s sorry for breaking my heart but he just needs time. He told me that he still plans on marrying me in the future but it’s not fair for him to hold that over my head and for me to not wait on him. I want to believe that he means that but im not sure. When we first broke up he would send me things that he claimed reminded him of me. I recently told him that I believe its best that we no longer talk so I can have time to heal and he responded by saying okay and that he loves me. Well, I broke no contact to apologize for the way I acted post-breakup (I begged him to reconsider). Well after my apology he did not respond. I was wondering if there a chance that we would get back together or should I just move on and forget him? It’s been about 2 weeks since we split.

  12. Avatar

    Stephanie

    April 7, 2019 at 2:10 pm

    I am fresh out of a break up as of 3-4 days ago. I thought I was going to marry this man, he was everything I wanted. I felt strong and deep feelings for his whole being and every little thing he did. We did not fight a lot, we were good at communicating and talking things through. 6 months ago when I went on a solo trip he mentioned that he felt he couldn’t share my excitement bc we were on different emotional paths, he was very busy and stressed and couldn’t hold space for me experiencing fun things abroad. He said he needed to finish up projects and he just needed me to come back to him. After I came back home, I immediately went into helping with his projects bc he was struggling and he told me no other girl would’ve helped him like this on a bathroom renovation project and it was amazing of me to do so.

    I thought things were fine but maybe he had lost feelings and things gradually went downhill for him since then. Our trip to his best friends wedding was a little strained, I could feel he was distant, I felt not connected to him despite trying at every turn. I had lost my job in October returning from my solo trip and that bothered him, after the wedding in December I still couldn’t get a job and January and February made him resent me. He never said anything though, i felt depressed and unworthy and he didn’t want to be around me or try to support me as he had a million other important things on his mind.

    Come March it all spilled out at once when I asked if he was okay. He told me he wanted us to move out of the apartment and live apart, he wants to live alone and experience not having to come home to me because lately it’s a chore, I’m no fun and a debbie downer and I don’t inspire him anymore. This was news to me, he burst my bubble. He mentioned our sex life was non-existent and lacking ( he was always too busy! And self conscious that I didn’t orgasm as much as him) I told him that instead of throwing away 2.5 amazing years, we should try to fix it.

    He flip flopped his mind every day for 5 days. Agreeing to fix it then saying it’s stupid and we should just separate, then saying that this is a big mistake and we can work this out. During his break up moods he said he was over me, over this relationship, I told him how much I loved him and planned for us to get married and have kids and how his goals were the same. He mentioned yes, maybe at some point but not anymore, my plans were imaginary and fantasy.

    He’s always wanted to live on his own and hasn’t gotten the chance, he also hasn’t ever lived with a girlfriend before and he initiated we move in together after 7 months dating. He said it was amazing then Recently said it was a mistake, we did it too early, should have waited till marriage. He started noticing a routine and all of his friends are either married or getting married and it may have prompted that we were supposed to be next and he did not want to just follow this path, he wanted to make the conscious choice to do it. It scared him and he said he was not ready for a committed relationship this serious.

    I fought for our relationship, him changing his mind every day told me he was conflicted in his feelings, he promised to see April through and I finally heard back from a job and things would be so different with me occupying my time as well. He felt that I put 110% in the relationship and he could not appreciate me nor did he want to. He did not want to make me a priority anymore. I asked him to please let go of the resentment he had for me falling down this bad luck hole and to give me a chance, he went on a skiing trip by himself with boys and on our shared computer his fb was open and I noticed he was messaging two girls telling them he misses them. He’s always been friendly with people and he said That was nothing and he didn’t cheat but then he put a password on our shared computer right after.

    The night I found about those two women and I asked him if there was anyone else he said no, there’s no time for me to see anyone else and I don’t tell people I miss them. Which he lied to my face as I already knew. He told me that me trying to revive this relationship was like beating a dead horse, it went from him wanting to take a break to possibly fixing this to just ending it. He pulled the “you deserve better and I don’t want to be that for you” . He burst my bubble then pulled the rug right from under me before April even began. I invested my whole being into him, his family and his friends. They are all in shock and very sad. I still love him and can’t imagine anyone else, his face, his essence his being is all I want. Despite him clearly telling me in the end I’m not the one for him.

    He wasn’t there for me and he didn’t give me the chance not even after I helped him through his lowest moments. For some reason he is still all I can think about and I already imagined a whole future and we had all our vacations for this year planned out. Does this sound like something worth trying to go back to? Am I just stupid? I moved back to my parents house a state away. He is now in MD and I am in VA. We will not see each other but he thinks that In the future he could be a reference for me or even still be friends. He told me once he thought he could be a sociopath as he has no empathy for what happened at all and was trying to motivate himself to care about me in the end.

    I know what this sounds like but I couldn’t believe him, these words and thoughts were never like him and I fear one friend that doesn’t like me influenced him a lot. I’m in denial and don’t know if I should try again after the NC period, he wanted me to have personal growth and splittting up was mainly for that and bc he didn’t have time for me nor want to make time for me. His family loves me to death and I them and I loved every moment with him, this last month has been a nightmare rollercoaster and I can’t believe he would so robotically and logically push me away without a second thought. He was never good at multi-tasking or prioritising, he gets overwhelmed. Is there a chance? Do I even want it?

  13. Avatar

    Stephanie

    April 7, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    I am fresh out of s break up as of 3-4 days ago. I thought I was going to marry this man, he was everything I wanted. I felt strong and deep feelings for his whole being and every little thing he did. We did not fight a lot, we were good at communicating and talking things through. 6 months ago when I went on a solo trip he mentioned that he felt he couldn’t share my excitement bc we were on different emotional paths, he was very busy and stressed and couldn’t hold space for me experiencing fun things abroad. He said he needed to finish up projects and he just needed me to come back to him. After I came back home, I immediately went into helping with his projects bc he was struggling and he told me no other girl would’ve helped him like this on a bathroom renovation project and it was amazing of me to do so. I thought things were fine but maybe he had lost feelings and things gradually went downhill for him since then. Our trip to his best friends wedding was a little strained, I could feel he was distant, I felt not connected to him despite trying at every turn. I had lost my job the in October returning from my solo trip and that bothered him, after the wedding in December I still couldn’t get a job and January and February made him resent me. He never said anything though, i felt depressed and unworthy and he didn’t want to be around me or try to support me as he had a million other important things on his mind. Come March it all spilled out at once when I asked if he was okay. He told me he wanted us to move out of the apartment and live apart, he wants to live alone and experience not having to come home to me because lately I’m no fun and andebbie downer and I don’t inspire him anymore. This was news to me, he burst my bubble. I told him that instead of throwing away 2.5 amazing years, we should try to fix it. He flip flopped his mind every day for 5 days. Agreeing to fix it then saying it’s stupid and we should just separate, then saying that this is a big mistake and we can work this out. During his break up moods he said he was over me, over this relationship, I told him how much I loved him and planned for us to get married and how his goals were the same. He mentioned yes, maybe at some point but not anymore, my plans were imaginary and fantasy. He’s always wanted to live on his own and hasn’t gotten the chance, he also hasn’t ever lived with a girlfriend before and he initiated we move in together after 7 months dating. He said it was amazing then W said it was a mistake, we did it too early, should have waited till marriage. He started noticing a routine and all of his friends are either married or getting married and it may have prompted that we were supposed to be next and he did not want to just follow this path, he wanted to make the conscious choice to do it. It scared him and he said he was not ready for a committed relationship this serious. I fought for our relationship, him changing his mind every day told me he was conflicted in his feelings, he promised to see April through and I finally heard back from a job and things would be so different with me occupying my time as well. He felt that I put 110% in the relationship and he could not appreciate me nor did he want to. He did not want to make me a priority anymore. I asked him to please let go of the resentment he had for me falling down this bad luck hole and to give me a chance, he went on a skiing trip by himself with boys and on our shared computer his fb was open and I noticed he was messaging two girls telling them he misses them. He’s always been friendly with people and he said That was nothing and he didn’t cheat but then he put a password on our shared computer right after. I the night I found about those two women and I asked him if there was anyone else he said no, there’s no time for me to see anyone else and I don’t tell people I miss them. Which he lied to my face as I already knew. He told me that me trying to revive this relationship was like beating a dead horse, it went from him wanted to take a break to possibly fixing this to just ending it. He pulled the “you deserve better and I don’t want to be that for you” . He burst my bubble then pulled the rug right from under me. I invested my whole being into him, his family and his friends. They are all in shock and very sad. I still love him and can’t imagine anyone else, his face, his essence his being is all I want. Despite him clearly telling me in the end I’m not the one for him. He wasn’t there for me and he didn’t give me the chance not even after I helped him through his lowest moments. For some reason he is still all I can think about and I already imagined a whole future and we had all our vacations for this year planned out. Does this sound like something worth trying to go back to? Am I just stupid? I moved back to my parents house one state away. He is now in MD and I am in VA. We will not see each other but he thinks that I’m thenfuture he could be a reference for me or even still be friends. He told me once he thought he could be a sociopath as he has no empathy for what happened at all and was trying to motivate himself to care about me in the end. I know what this sounds like but I couldn’t believe him, these words and thoughts were never like him and I fear his one friend that doesn’t like me influenced a lot. I’m in denial and don’t know if I should try again after the NC period, he wanted me to have personal growth and splittting up was mainly for that and bc he didn’t have time for me nor want to make time for me. His family loves me to death and I them and I experienced so much amazing things, this last month has been a nightmare rollercoaster and I can’t believe he would so robotically and logically push me away without a second thought.

  14. Avatar

    Confused and clueless

    April 7, 2019 at 8:09 am

    My boyfriend and I have just broken up after six months together. This is the first time we’ve properly broken up but we have had a couple of fights before that have resulted in us breaking up, only to get back together a few hours later. This breakup was due to us fighting a lot in the weeks leading up to now, and also him just not wanting to be in a relationship anymore, he told me that he misses being single and he just wants to be alone and do whatever he wants. I completely got that and despite crying a lot about it, I let him go without any begging or fighting. However, when I was waiting to get a ride home from his house he kept cuddling me and holding my hand, but insisted it felt purely platonic after I questioned him about it. He stated that it was the first time it’s ever felt platonic and I don’t know what to believe, can you really lose romantic feelings for somebody in a split second like that? He also hinted that he might want to try again in the future and that he ended up feeling bored with his other exes, but I was the only one he’s ever had a desire to try again with. I feel like he is just saying this to spare my feelings and that he is just giving me false hope. I haven’t spoken to him since then, but I will have to see him sooner or later as we are unfortunately both on the same college course and in a band together. Do you think there’s any hope whatsoever in trying to get him back?

  15. Avatar

    Lillie

    April 1, 2019 at 2:53 am

    Hi Chris,
    Thank you for this helpful guide! I am in kind of a state of confusion and need an “expert opinion.” I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months last February. It was not a terrible breakup, and it was mostly because I was concerned that we might never get to that “forever” stage. Long story short, I had hoped we had a future. Our two families even spent Christmas together, which was his doing, so I thought maybe that we had a future, but he would never say the word “love” or talk about the future. I’m 33, so I don’t exactly have time to waste! After six months of wondering if maybe I’d made a mistake due to impatience, I called him on his birthday. He called back, and we had a friendly conversation for about 2 hours. No contact, then 3 weeks later, he wished me a Merry Christmas by text. I responded likewise. I called him 1 week later. Once again, good convo. He did say he was going to be busy the next few weeks at work (hmmm). Still, I forged ahead and mentioned us getting together sometime. He said, “Yeah, that’d be good.”
    Two months later after no contact, I text. Quick back and forth. I called a few nights later and left a voicemail. Crickets. I tried again a week later. We had a good talk and I asked him to have lunch or coffee. He said, “Yeah, we could at some point. I have to check my schedule.” Then, I heard nothing for a week. I tried calling again. No answer, so I just text asking if he’d like to get together the next week. He responded “At work.” Last week, I tried one more call. No answer. I’m thinking I should give up, but I want to be sure I did all I could before walking away. Can you offer any advice?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 1, 2019 at 10:30 pm

      Hi Lillie….I like to think of it as walking down another path, not necessarily away. You can return to NC, but pursue those things that make you fulfilled. You need not put a break on pursuing other relationships either when you are ready for that. Does that mean he is completely out of the picture. No necessarily. The future is always moving with different possibilities. If he does not come pursuing you, then consider it his loss.

  16. Avatar

    Cass

    February 2, 2019 at 4:19 am

    so me and my ex were together for 11 months. he said he loved me and felt i was the most special girl he’s ever met. we had a connection like no other and did everything together. however, the past few months we’ve been having petty arguments that blow up into fights and screaming matches. these have mostly been about my insecurities. he told me he was emotionally drained and stressed and not happy, that he hated his life because of the stress and that we need to separate, that he doesn’t want to picture his life without me in it but he can’t do it anymore. he said his love for me was crushed and i killed it with all the fights and disagreeing, that i didn’t stop when he told me to stop and i basically took everything he said and walked all over it, and that all he can feel right now is anger.
    we live together, so after begging and pleading with him and dealing with the rejection i eventually calmed down and asked him if there’s anything i could do to have a chance. he said “the only chance we have is if we separate and i miss you and realize i want you in my life. it’s more than likely that I’ll miss you but i can’t do it when you’re still here in my face. just have hope and think positive. i need time to move past the negative and see the positive of our relationship. you need to work on your mental health and i need to try to get over my anger about the fighting. if that happens we can see how we do with texting and then if it works you can come stay on the weekends and we can go from there.”
    i moved back home that night after eating dinner with him and saying goodbye, so I left on peaceful terms. he told me to text him when i got home safe and i said “home” to which he texted back “yay! glad you made it home safe!” and that’s the last time we said anything. i put no contact into effect and it’s been about a week so far. do i have a good chance or am i doomed? planning to give the no contact until he says something.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 3, 2019 at 12:33 am

      Hi Cass!

      No, you are not doomed and yes, implementing No Contact and doing all the other things I talk about in my Program should improve your chances.

  17. Avatar

    Angela

    December 21, 2018 at 1:14 am

    I so wish I have the money for a 1 on 1 as I need it!! But I need every penny for my last year and a half at university at the moment 🙁 I thought this was worth a shot, but thank you anyways… I guess the parting question is, should I meet for coffee or just leave it alone?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 21, 2018 at 11:37 pm

      Hi Angela….certainly if coaching isn’t a good match for you, consider some of my other resources that can serve as your Companion Guide throughout this process. As to whether its time for meet for coffee…etc…..it really depends on where you are in the process of implementing the strategies I lay out.

  18. Avatar

    Angela

    December 20, 2018 at 12:01 am

    I was with my ex boyfriend for approximately over 2 years, and halfway during our relationship we moved in together for the summer while attending university. We acknowledged moving in together was temporary as we made arrangements to live with friends during the upcoming school year, previously. However, something happened during the start of the school year where I felt that a lot of emotional baggage from a previous relationship of mine was getting in my way from truly enjoying and trusting my ex boyfriend. I decided to break up with him to just fix myself and be happy with myself, again. He was extremely hurt by it and I swear I went through hell and back to get back together with him about 2 months later. Anyways, I believe I tried to get back together with him too soon as I felt I didn’t allow myself to let go of everything I was trying to let go from my previous relationship, I think I was just afraid of letting go of someone I still wanted a future with. But nevertheless, we still got back together and were happy for about 6 months. Unfortunately, we had a fight one day which has never escalated to that extent before and it led to me asking him to leave the car and take the bus home (we were heading to study together and on the normal bus route to and from school). The fight was about how I wasn’t too comfortable that he was moving in the following year with a friend of his that had once groped me at a university party when he was drunk. His friend had also told my ex that I was exaggerating about the whole thing and my ex told me that he didn’t know who to believe. I obviously was hurt about the whole situation and how he said he didn’t know who to believe and felt entirely uncomfortable about a guy who can manipulate his way out of things at the expense of calling me a liar. Unfortunately, my ex was also hurt that I was bringing it up since a couple weeks of getting back together he asked that we live together the following year and I told him no because I was feeling hesitant to live together because my family is very traditional and I was just afraid what they would think since whenever he came home to visit they always asked him to sleep in a separate room from me. I just always wanted to do things right with him and I didn’t think waiting another year would have an effect on our relationship. I suppose it hurt him that I rejected to live with him, again. Anyways, we had a falling out for a month after that fight and he decided to end things because he “felt a lot of pressure” from me and that he wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to stay in America now. (He is an international student and had just graduated his last year and was working on his last 6 months of OPT visa before he either had to figure something out or move back home). I understood where he was coming from and decided to move on which proved to be very difficult. He would continue to talk to me and wanting to hang out, and said that he wanted to still have me in his life, and of course after a while, I couldn’t take it anymore and got so emotional and told him to stop talking to me after a texting gnat flurry of telling him everything that I was feeling. At first he was reading everything and said that he wanted to hear what I had to say and hoped that it would make me feel better, but I took it to an extreme and continued to do it for a couple of days and he then said that it was making him sad and that he had to block me on the phone. He said he was sorry and that he thought that he might have made a mistake, but after seeing how emotional I was he said that maybe he might have made the right choice. I felt that he was just playing with me, and the whole situation was unfair. But I told him I didn’t want to hear from him, again.

    Anyways, fast forward after 3 months of no contact and he texted once during that time. I felt that I was in a better place to initiate contact and see what would happen. Plus, I was interested to see what he has done with his life and what his plans were. He was extremely responsive to my first text and texts after that. One night he said that he was sorry for everything and that there hasn’t been a day where he has not thought about me. And he always thinks about the time that we lived together for that one summer. And that he knew my birthday was coming up and that his mom was coming to visit from out of country and he would like for me to meet her. And that he offered to teach me how to drive his car and that it would be cool to go to the gym together. Of course, it was an overwhelming positive response and it made me happy to hear all of it. I told him that all of this was too fast and that if he would like to apologize sincerely, I would like to hear it from him in person. And so he offered to come over and give me a “birthday present”, as well. He brought over wine and the present (which was a small lotion) and we had a very decent conversation and he kept mentioning how tempted he was to touch me and that he still found me as attractive as ever. I did not allow things to go further after that because I remembered that there needed to be more to the chase and just build on from there. Unfortunately, the next time we met up he brought wine over again, and things got sexual and he ended up staying over. I did not mean for that to happen, but the following afternoon was a dinner he planned for his mom, a couple of close friends, and I. It was a nice dinner and I was pretty sad that I couldn’t communicate fluently with her as I wanted to and he noticed that because a couple hours after dropping me off, he texted me saying that he knew I was sad that I couldn’t talk with her but he loved having me meet her and that she was so excited to have finally met me in person after all this time. Fast forward a couple of weeks and he was texting as if he was interested and he initiated a lot of the texts. I, however, made the wrong decision by continuing the sexual encounters when I knew they were wrong but I knew he didn’t have much time out of his busy schedule from leaving work, planning to move for graduate school, entertaining his mom, and talking to me. So I guess, I thought this was a way to reconnect with the little time we did have before he moved for graduate school. Anyways, I ate dinner with him and his mom twice more and he ended up buying me a more expensive gift for my birthday (a nice wallet), he called me on my birthday, and also called me on thanksgiving. I thought these were all things that he didn’t have to do, but were signs that things were sort of progressing. However, just two weeks ago he stayed over and we had an emotionally honest conversation between us before falling asleep. Then I didn’t hear from him for about a week. And he agreed to talk last Thursday before I left for home for winter break. He said that he did think about getting back together and that he can look back and say that he was genuinely happy when we were together. But he said that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship while he is studying in graduate school and that he doesn’t know exactly what he wants. Getting married terrifies him. And that another reason is because he heard that I was thinking about studying abroad for my master’s degree when I graduate next year and that he just wants me to be happy and not change any plans for him. But he also is afraid that this ruins chances with me (whatever that means) and that he still wants to know about me and continue to talk and that he cares about me. He apologized for everything again, and that he wants to treat me with the respect that I deserve and wish that we were not hooking up all this time. I told him that I didn’t think of him like that, as a person to just hook up and leave. But, I felt pretty blindsided by this because I felt that we could have talked about this if he was even considering about a relationship, again. I realize that I did not make the impression that I wanted to make with him, and I’m afraid that I ruined all chances. I don’t know where to go from here because I would like to reconnect again with him in the future and that I’m hopeful things will turn out. There’s no denying that we have a connection, but I was hoping he would give it another chance this time. He mentioned that he wanted to get coffee as soon as he moves into his new place which is in the same city as where I’m visiting my family for Christmas. Should I go back to no contact? Did he just tell me that he knows he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me for good? I’d like to meet him for coffee and just have a fun time and remind him what it’s like to see me without any serious talks or hooking up. I’m just really confused by this as I was just following his lead all this time, and that I thought things could really be different this time for our relationship. I realize that we are young and that he has been so busy with studying for entrance exams, planning for school, entertaining his family that came to visit, etc. that he hasn’t met other people and that without a doubt he will be meeting new people in his new city. I’m not afraid of that, but I’d like advice as to proceed for myself? Do I agree to be his friend during the mean time? Do I be his friend and only let him initiate contact? Do I do no contact again? What will help my chances for a future with him IF he is the one? Also, I would like to mention that I’m not going to be holding myself from meeting new people either, but if he happens to be the one, what should I do? help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 20, 2018 at 2:46 am

      Hi Angela….there is a lot going on here. You have been thru a lot. And I so much wish I could do your message full justice by providing a lengthy response and answer every question. If you have not picked up my epic 485 page eBook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro”, then please take a look as there is so much more of “Me” in there than you can get here in this Comment forum. And if you need 1 x 1 coaching, we have services for that as well.

  19. Avatar

    Kim

    December 3, 2018 at 7:11 pm

    Good afternoon,

    Please help me understand my situation.
    I have to say it’s been 6 years since I have dated anyone since my divorce which I was i married for 14 years.
    So I finally am ready to date and recently started dating. I would not say we are boyfriend or girlfriend yet as it has only been a month but it seems like we were very compatible. Anyway, on Thanksgiving Day he was overwhelmed with things that day but he told me he was still going to come later that evening. I never heard from him and the next day I text him that if he wasn’t going to make it please be respectful and text me back saying that he can’t make it anymore.
    He text me back the following day stating that I was upset which I wasn’t but just sad of the situation that he didn’t show up. He also stated that he never text people and say words I can’t take back. I didn’t use any vulgar language or anything to him but simply saying I would like a courtesy text in the future.
    He thought I also chastised him for missing one invite. I didn’t think I did but I apologized for it many times because it is not in my nature to chastise anyone. He did apologize for not making it to the party. He told me that we both need to take a step back and reassess what to do. I text him many times about a week now but I finally stop since I read that this could make me look like I’m begging. It’s been a very long time since I dated anyone and really don’t know what the rules are these days. He said he was struggling with what I said or made him feel and don’t really know how to still feel about it.
    Since all of my texts to him, he has not responded back to any of it.
    Can you tell me what this all means??? It’s driving me crazy as I have never had to experience silent treatment before and is this his way of ending it without all the ramifications of having to say goodbye ? Did I already pull him away from texting him for a week without no response and what does taking a step back to reassess really means?
    Thank you for any insight into this matter.
    Kim

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 3, 2018 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Kim….I don’t think you did anything wrong. Sure, probably too many texts trying to explain your point of view. But it is your ex that needs to shore up his behavior and not try to blame you for his insecurities. Best to employ no contact in the way I teach it in my Program as there are many elements that should benefit you.

  20. Avatar

    Alicia Smith

    November 24, 2018 at 7:41 pm

    My ex girlfriend and I were perfect. She completed me in every way, and vice versa. We only had small fights but nothing ever large. We always loved each other. But one night we were out with her friends and she was inside the bar and I was outside with her friends. I passed out from drinking and her friends got scared and called an ambulance. My ex thought I would lose my career but I didn’t. I even got promoted and I wasn’t upset with her. We moved on. But then it happened again. And she works at the hospital that the ambulance brought me too. I am not an alcoholic I don’t drink outside of having a good time with friends but I just have really bad luck. I stopped drinking for 60 days. But it wasn’t enough my ex told me she doesn’t have the same feelings for me anymore. I have tried everything and asked if she was upset before the events. She said no, she was happy. But she’s scared it’s going to happen again. But I’m confident it won’t because this is the greatest consequence of my life. I love her with all my heart and I would never do that to her again. We haven’t talked in 1 week. What do you suggest I do? Is it worth trying still?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 25, 2018 at 1:50 am

      Hi Alicia…probably best to tap into my Program and adopt the way I teach No contact. It has many elements and pieces to it when done correctly.

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