I know what its like to want someone you love back.
I know the pain you feel when you wake up in the morning. I know what its like to constantly check your phone hoping to get a message from them. Heck, I even know what its like to quickly grab your phone every time to get a message and actually get angry when it isn’t from your ex..
I have seen women try everything there is to try (one woman actually did a love spell.) I have seen women do everything right and fail. I have even seen women get so wrapped up in their ex relationships that they refuse to let go (no matter how the crazy circumstances are.)
Knowing when to let go is a tough thing to decipher because often times you are so close to your own situation that you are blind to the truth.
This is where I come in.
Lately I have gotten a lot of women requesting a guide on how you should know when it is time to stop trying to get your ex boyfriend back.
Well, this is that guide!
The funny part about this is that this is the first guide in the history of this site that I have put together without research. I usually spend a day or two looking online for other ideas to incorporate into my writing but I wasn’t able to find a guide covering this topic because it is one that very few people want to talk about.
Alright, lets get started.
Have You Tried Everything The RIGHT Way Yet?
I am a robot..
You don’t believe me?
I want you to do me a favor. Stop what you are doing for a few moments and search through some of the other guides on this site and look at the comments. Do you notice how robotic I sound in my replies to people?
“Have you done NC?”
“How long has it been since you last talked to him?”
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah..
Have you ever wondered why I sound so robotic? It’s not because I am trying to give people generic answers to save time. It’s because they aren’t trying to get their ex back in the right way and that annoys me.
Here is my philosophy on the whole “recovery” process when it comes to getting your ex boyfriend back.
If you really love someone and I mean truly love them. Then you should try everything you can (in the smartest way possible) to try to get them back if something happens that causes you to break up. Now, the one wrinkle in this philosophy is that sometimes what you want isn’t always the best thing for you in the long run.
Heck, I believe this so much I wrote a book trying to teach people the correct way to win an ex back.
So, I always feel like I am constantly telling women:
“I want you to take a step back and really ask yourself, is getting back with him the best thing for you in the future?”
The funny part about this is that after a breakup there tends to be this mental block of all the “bad times” and an instant rush of all the good times. However, if you are able to combine both the good times and the bad times together and are able to say:
“You know what? I think having him in my life is the best thing for me!”
Then I see no reason for why you shouldn’t give it your all in trying to get him back.
Doing Things The RIGHT Way
Sure, you may have tried to get your ex back but can you honestly say that you did the best you could?
Look, I realize that it is weird to dedicate so much time on getting your ex back on a page about knowing when to give up BUT sometimes in order to know when to give up you have to try to get your ex boyfriend back.
I am basically telling you that in order to know for sure if you have a shot at making this work again you have to try to get your ex boyfriend back.
The thing that I want you to remember is that just merely trying to get him back isn’t going to be enough.. You are going to have to do things the right way.
So, this begs the question.
What is the right way to get your ex boyfriend back?
I suppose there isn’t a “true” right way but I will say that I have helped hundreds of women get their exes back with the methods outline in this site and in my E-Book. So, if you are going to try a “correct” method you might want to try something that is already proven.
Of course, the purpose of this guide isn’t to teach you how to get your ex back it’s to teach you when to say:
“enough is enough”
Lets put our focus in that area now!
When Should You Give Up?
One thing that you are going to realize really fast is that things are never as simple as black and white when it comes to determining if you should give up on getting an ex back.
Most people believe that you should either try to get your ex back or you should just simply move on. The truth of the matter is that reality is never that simple. For example, sometimes the only way to tell if a situation is helpless is for you to actually try to get your boyfriend back.
A lot of what I talk about in this section of the guide is going to tie directly into the methods of getting an ex back.
So, how is this part of the guide going to be structured?
Well, I am going to list (one by one) the signs that an ex boyfriend might exhibit that will give you an indication on if you should give up or not.
But first, there is something extremely important that needs to be covered.
A Factor Of Three
Getting your ex boyfriend back is not supposed to be easy. If it was then everyone would be doing it and this site wouldn’t even need to exist.
I always roll my eyes when someone asks me:
“Why is this so hard?”
What? You thought it would be easy?
Yes, it is true that this site can be an incredible resource. It is also true that hundreds of women have gotten their exes back using it. However, just because I do my best to lay things out for you doesn’t mean that its going to be easy.
So, what is the point of this rant?
Lets say that you are attempting to get your ex boyfriend back. Throughout the course of your attempt things aren’t going exactly as you planned so you give up. The first sign of real resistance and you gave up…
Tsk.. Tsk.. Tsk…
You can’t give up the second something doesn’t go your way. You have to keep trying until you are absolutely sure that your attempt isn’t worth it anymore. That brings us to the point of this small section.
How do you know when your attempt isn’t worthy anymore?
Simple, I would like to introduce you to my “factor of three” theory.
Take a look at the content below this section. You will notice that I talk about a lot of the signs that an ex boyfriend is no longer worth pursuing. In other words, these are signs of resistance that an ex boyfriend will give you when things aren’t going well. Now, I am used to women getting one of these signs and thinking the world has ended.
It hasn’t (I assure you.)
This is why I want you to employ the “factor of three” theory. If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and you get a minimum of three of the “resistances” that I discuss below from your ex boyfriend then it may be time to start thinking about giving up on trying to get him back.
Hmm… I will try to make this as simplified as possible for you.
If you are trying to get your ex boyfriend back and a minimum of three of the negative things I talk about below happen then you may need to consider moving on…
Get it now?
No, I am kidding lets move on to the “resistances.”
Resistance One- No Contact After No Contact
As many of you already know, I am a huge fan of the no contact rule.
But for those of you who don’t already know what it is, it is basically this period of time (that you set aside) where you don’t talk to your ex at all. The way I teach women how to do it is pretty simple. Here is the quick breakdown:
- Enter into a no contact period (depending on your situation) between 15-90 days.
- After the no contact period is completed compose a text message to your ex boyfriend.
Obviously the text message should be really good and I give plenty examples on how to compose one throughout this website and even in my E-Book. What I would like to talk about is what happens after the no contact period and it is probably one of the most negative outcomes that can occure.
Imagine for a moment that you went into a no contact period for, lets say 30 days. After the initial 30 day period was up you decided to compose a text message to send to your ex boyfriend. Now, most ex boyfriends are going to respond after the no contact period BUT lets say that your ex boyfriend doesn’t. So, being the smart woman that you are, you decide to wait a week and then text your ex again. Unfortunately, just like last time, there is no answer. Now you are starting to get worried. You decide to give it one more try. Again you wait a week and again he doesn’t respond to your text.
This is a bad sign.
Sure, it can sometimes be normal for an ex boyfriend to miss a text or two from you but if he literally cuts you out of his life by not responding to anything you send.. well, that’s not good. It may be a sign that you have to start looking into other male prospects.
Of course, the thing that you are probably wondering is what can you do to get him to contact you again?
Ultimately the best advice that I can give you here is to be patient. Look, if you find yourself in this situation then you need to handle it very carefully. Going full on text gnat is not the way to go here. The chances are very high that the two of you will talk again but it needs to be on his terms and not yours.
Again, I want to reiterate it is not a good sign if he ignores you every time when you are reaching out..
Lets move on.
Resistance Two- Negative Text Message Responses
This is another one of those situations where we are going to be focusing on what happens AFTER the no contact rule is successfully completed.
The big difference between resistance one and resistance two is the fact that your ex boyfriend is going to be responding to your text messages except he is not going to be doing it in a “positive manner.” Avid readers of this site know that there are really only three types of text message responses.
Positive responses are what you are always shooting for in a conversation with your ex.
However, what if an ex boyfriend of yours responded but only responded to you in a negative manner? To refresh your memory here is what a series of “negative” responses would look like:
Obviously this is the “PG-13” version of negative responses but imagine how hard it would be to try to get someone back if all they ever did was treat you like this in their responses.
What do you think makes an ex boyfriend handle a texting situation in this way?
Well, it could be any number of things.
Maybe he is angry that you did the no contact on him.
Perhaps it could be that he is just taking his frustrations out on you because of his own inability to hold together your relationship.
However, if I were a betting men I would say that it all comes down to the feeling he gets when he thinks back to your relationship.
It shouldn’t exactly be a shock that a lot of the time the better your relationship with your ex was the better the shot you have of getting him back. Imagine for a moment that your relationship with your ex boyfriend was filled with nothing but negativity. He felt it and you felt it and every time both of you think back on it there isn’t much “good” to it. It is this bad feeling vibe that can cause your ex to respond to you in a negative way.
Resistance Three- Fighting, Fighting, Fighting
I know what it is like to be in a relationship that is full of fights.
I hate fights.
I hate them so much.
However, I know that it is a normal part of the relationship process so you should come to expect them. The most successful couples are the ones that can navigate through the fights and take something positive from them. Let me give you an example.
Lets say that person A and person B started dating. While their relationship was good in almost all the other areas they have one major problem, they fight a lot. Oh, and I am not talking about the type of fighting where they both feel like they “accomplished” something. I am talking about the type of fighting where they are both yelling at the top of their lungs and saying the most hurtful things they can think of to each other.
Both person A and B are yelling.
They are saying hurtful stuff.
Fighting over meaningless things (like someone falling asleep during a movie.)
And after the fight is over they are going to make up “briefly” only to resume the horrors of fighting in a week.
Now, I bet you are wondering what this has to do with getting your ex back?
In the last section we briefly discussed how men can sometimes have negative responses based on the bad feelings they had in their previous relationships. Well, I don’t know about you but fighting can create some pretty bad feelings so not only can it lead to more negative responses (like we discussed above) but it can cause more fighting AFTER the breakup occurs.
One thing that I see happen far too often is that when a no contact rule is completed a couple can sometimes pick up right where they left off with the fighting. Sometimes no matter how calm one party remains the chemisty and history between the couple will trump all logic and you will find yourself in an emotional fight.
As I said at the beginning of this section, fighting is a natural thing for relationships but what we are talking about here is an excess of fighting. Too much fighting where NOTHING gets accomplished is never a good thing. This is why I usually recommend to the women reading this site to never get in a fight with your ex boyfriend no matter what.
This brings us to an interesting topic.
What happens if no matter what you can’t help but fight with the person you love?
If this is the case then I would like you to do a lot of soul searching here. Imagine what a relationship with this person would be like if you got back with them. Do you honestly think that you would be able to create that “new and better” relationship that I am always going on about? Do you think you would be able to stop the constant arguments and fights? Do you think you could fight in a way where something gets accomplished rather than in a way meant to hurt the other person?
But most importantly, do you think HE is capable of doing these things?
There is no doubt in my mind that YOU are capable of trying to create a better relationship but you are only one side of the equation. The other side, his side, is just as important. So, when you really take a step back and look at the situation objectively do you see him being able to put in the amount of effort you are when it comes to bettering the relationship?
Think about that for a while..
Resistance Four- I Don’t Want You
If an ex boyfriend ever says “I don’t want you back” and means it then that is not a good sign.
The thing you really have to keep in mind when you deal with a man who says something like this is that you have to figure out if he means it or not. So, I am going to use this section to describe how you can do just that.
What if you and I dated and broke up. It really doesn’t matter who broke up with who all that matters is the fact that we did indeed break up. Now, the break up wasn’t exactly what you would call a “mature one.” Both of us were angry with eachother and we both said some hurtful things. Among the hurtful things I told you that “I never wanted you back.”
Most women when they hear those five words go into an immediate panic mode (especially if they want their ex back.)
The thing that you have to remember is that if these words are muttered to you by an ex you need to determine if he means them or not. Usually, if the words are muttered during a super emotional time you can disregard them because deep down he may not mean it.
Of course, I want to spend most of our time focusing on what happens in the mind of a man if he actually means the “I don’t want you back” words. But first, lets examine HOW you can determine if he means what he says.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Have you ever heard that phrase “actions speak louder than words?”
I can’t tell you how many times I have muttered this phrase throughout my life and throughout this site.
If you ever want to see what a person TRULY wants (their words aside) you need to look at their actions. When I was 22 years old I remember talking to a girl that I had a lot of interest in. To me, it seemed like she had a lot of interest in me. She was saying all the right things and making me feel like I was the only one she cared about. Basically, with her words she convinced me that she was very interested in me. However, every time I would try to take the next step and ask her on a date she would either say she couldn’t or she would accept the date and cancel it at the last minute.
Lets break this situation down a little bit.
This girl said things to me to make me feel like she was very interested in me (WORDS.)
However, when it came down to crunch time and advancing the relationship forward she would always cancel on me. (ACTIONS.)
So, while her words said one thing her actions said another. In case you are wondering, actions mean a lot more than words.
Lets apply this type of thinking to your ex boyfriend.
If your ex says that he never wants you back those are simply words. While those words may mean something what you really need to be looking at are his actions. For example, lets say that your ex says he doesn’t want you back. However, with time he is constantly wanting to see you. When he does get to see you he can’t keep his hands off of you. He is always hugging you and touching your hands. These actions would suggest that he feels an attraction for you and may still want you back.
Of course, this can also work in the reverse.
If an ex boyfriend says he doesn’t want you back and never answers your text messages, phone calls or constant attempts to advance the “recovery” process then his actions are stating that he may indeed not want you back.
Do you see how this works?
Resistance Five- The Fallout From The Previous Relationship
This isn’t really a warning sign “per say” but it is something very important that I feel needs to be discussed.
I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately and have been trying to figure out some new concepts that I can explain to you to give you a better idea of how the whole “ex recovery” process is supposed to work. One thing I have been noticing more and more is that I can almost predict which women have the best chances of getting an ex boyfriend back and it all has to do with the relationship they had with their ex.
Lets pretend for a moment that I am dating a beautiful former model (I can dream right ;).) The relationship between us was actually pretty good. There weren’t a lot of fights, just the normal ones here and there. After about a year the two of us broke up but the breakup wasn’t too horrible. There wasn’t any yelling and while there was crying it wasn’t too bad.
Now, I would consider this to be a pretty “good” breakup. Lets take a look at the opposite side of the coin.
Lets pretend that I am dating a famous movie actress (hey, this is my fantasy so don’t be critical ;).) Throughout our relationship we are constantly fighting. I am yelling at the top of my lungs and she is yelling at the top of hers. I constantly get jealous of her and she is constantly jealous of me. Eventually the stress of the relationship gets to be too much for both of us and we break up. However, we don’t just “break up” we have the break up to end all break ups. I am talking about a lot of yelling, saying hurtful things and just a dash of crying.
This is what I would consider to be a “bad” breakup.
Now, when you read the two (obviously fake) simulations of the relationships what did you notice?
Well, for starters the first example seemed a lot healthier and pleasant whereas the second example seemed really stressful and unhealthy. Just by knowing what you know about relationships which “fake couple” do you think has a better chance of getting back together?
If you guessed the couple in the first example then you would be right.
I see it time and time again throughout the site. When I talk to women who get their exes back one common thread I see between the many successes is the fact that a lot of them had very good relationships with their ex boyfriend.
I believe there is a certain amount of fallout that follows you around after a breakup. The amount of fallout that follows you is dictated by a number of factors.
Fallout Factor 1- Your Previous Relationship
The worse your relationship was with your ex boyfriend the more fallout you are going to have following you around after the breakup. Its a pretty simple concept really. It all ties into the bad feelings that your ex may associate with you when he thinks back to your relationship.
He may think to himself. I remember how much we used to fight and he will get a bad feeling in his gut. Then he will think back to the time that you got jealous over something that wasn’t that big of a deal and associate that with a bad feeling. The process will go on and on and it all ties into how bad your relationship with your ex was before the breakup.
Of course, this can also work in the opposite way.
For example, if your previous relationship was pretty good then you can expect a positive fallout to follow you around after the breakup. In this case every time your ex boyfriend thinks back to your relationship instead of being filled with a bunch of bad feelings he is going to be filled with good feelings.
Fallout Factor 2- Your Breakup
Another thing that a lot of people tend to forget is the fact that your breakup can be a huge fallout indicator.
Lets play a fake scenario out for a little bit here to illustrate this point.
Imagine for a moment that you and I dated. I want you to forget everything that happened in our “fake” relationship and only focus on the breakup that will occur between the two of us. Lets pretend that it was a really bad breakup. I am talking about a HORRIBLE breakup. A “Buffy and Angel” type of breakup (Buffy aficionados will know what I am talking about here.)
As humans we are hooked into this endless loop of newness. Meaning that all we are interested in is finding out the latest information, the newest stuff if you will. We only tend to remember the most recent thing that happens to us. For instance, if you and I had amazing conversations for two weeks straight but had one fight the next week for some reason all that we would focus on is the pain that, that fight causes us and not the amazing conversations that we had prior to the fight.
This is the kind of effect that a bad breakup can have.
For a while at least the negative connotation of a bad breakup will always be in the back of an ex boyfriends mind. I actually have some experience with this phenomenon as I have been through a very bad breakup in my life. All I can tell you is that still even to this day I think about how bad it was and it is one of the reasons that I would not consider getting back with that particular ex.
Resistance Six- Does Your Relationship Fit?
Again, this is another one of those sections that isn’t really resistance you are getting from your ex boyfriend. In fact, it is just the opposite. It is all about the inner resistance within yourself.
Lets get serious for a moment.
What matters to you?
Do you want a husband? Do you want kids? Do you just want a boyfriend to be there? Do you want to be friends with benefits with someone?
I guess what I am trying to ask you is what is your overall goal with a relationship?
Most of the women I communicate with through Ex Boyfriend Recovery are quite intelligent. However, you may be shocked to learn that not many of them think very far ahead.
I get that there is a certain allure to “living in the now” and truth be told if there is one flaw I can find about myself this would be it. I always have this need to think about the future and how my actions in the “now” will affect the future. My problem is that I never enjoy the now because I am too busy worrying about the future.
Many of your flaws are the opposite of mine. You are stuck in the now with how you are feeling about your ex boyfriend. Sometimes this can blind you from the future and that is not always a good thing. The trick is to find a perfect balance between living in the now while thinking towards the future.
What does this any of this have to do with knowing if you should give up on your ex boyfriend?
I really want you to think for a moment.
When you take a step back and look at your relationship with your ex boyfriend do you think any of the effort is worth it? The easy answer that I usually get is “yes, absolutely it is worth it.. blah.. blah.. blah..” It takes an amazing woman to admit that maybe going after her ex boyfriend isn’t the best idea because in the end the relationship doesn’t fit together the best it could.
I know I just made it sound so simple but it’s really not. In fact, out of everything that I have ever talked about on this website this concept in this section is the thing that many people fail to really see through. It’s hard to let someone go who you love with all you heart. Believe me I get it.
I know what it’s like to want someone so badly and not having them want you back. I know the exact feelings I felt when this happens to me. I go into this mini depression thinking that the world had ended and that I will be alone for the rest of my life. The truth of the matter is that there are plenty of other people out there. People twice as amazing as the person you fell for. It’s funny, I even remember thinking this to myself during the mini depression and I remember dismissing it like it wasn’t true.
Eventually when you do meet that someone who is twice as amazing as your ex was your world gets rocked all over again and you start to gain perspective. The only constant in this world is change. So many people try to fight it but I say accept it!
Now, there is one important thing that I have yet to cover.
How are you supposed to take a step back and determine if a relationship is worth fighting for with your ex boyfriend?
Using The Future To Affect Your Decisions
Some relationships don’t fit.
It’s really sad but its very true. Determining how to figure out if your relationship with your ex boyfriend is worth it is not a particularly easy process. Now, I want to be clear. What I tell you to do here will be very easy to understand. So easy in fact that you are probably going to wonder what the heck I was talking about with that “hard stuff.” The truth is that understanding it isn’t the hard part. It is actually doing it that is.
I want you to step out of the now for a moment and start thinking about the future. I want you to think about where you see yourself in five years. Now, relationship wise do you think your ex boyfriend can hold up? Do you think he can fit into your life? Will he be trustworthy? Can you always count on him?
If you just want him back to make the pain go away then you are being a coward and taking the easy way out. What you need to do is determine if he is worth having in your life in the future. How do his goals match up with yours? All of this stuff matters and it is time to start thinking about the hard stuff.