I did something completely different with this episode of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Today’s question is from a woman named Carol who openly wonders if she should take her ex boyfriend back. So, rather than follow the traditional format of the show in which I allow visitors to call in, ask a question and I provide them with a game plan I decided to just lecture on what YOU (yes, you, the person reading this) should consider when deciding whether or not you should take your ex boyfriend back.
Check it out,
Now, I don’t want to give away too much because this has been my favorite episode to record so far in the short history of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast but here is a quick look at what this particular episode has to offer.
What I Talk About In This Episode
- 28,835 days…
- How you only have 2,740 days to dedicate to your love life.
- That translates to 67,540 hours.
- Or 7.5 years.
- Why a woman’s time is more valuable than a mans.
- The significance of a woman hitting age 35.
- In Vitro Fertilization?
- Yup I (a man) seriously talk about In Vitro fertilization.
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
Well, actually for the sake of “filling” this section out I am going to plug my e-book.
(I know I am soooo horrible.)
What? No Game Plan?
Yup, there is no game plan to teach for this episode.
I know, I know I can see the disappointed look you have on your face right now.
Ok, maybe you aren’t that depressed.
Since this episode revolved around this mythical jellybean video that I keep talking about I thought it would be a good idea if I just put the video here in the show notes for you to watch for yourself.
According to the video,
We all start out with 2,8835 days…
By the time we turn 15 (on the cusp of adulthood) we only have 23,360 days to play with…
We sleep for a total of 8,474 days…
We eat food and drink for a total of 1,635 days…
We work for a total of 3,202 days…
We spend 1,099 days commuting and traveling…
We also spend 2,676 days watching TV…
1,576 days shopping and doing household chores…
When it’s all said and done we have a total of 2,740 days of free time to do with as we please. To go out on dates. Go on romantic vacations. Find the person you are meant to be with it. The point I am trying to get at here is that you had better make sure the guy you are trying to get back is worth the jellybeans…
Welcome to Episode 16 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today I’m going to do something a little bit different. I’m not going to be giving a game plan. Rather, I’m going to lecture a little bit.
We will hear from a woman. Her name is Carol. She’s gotten herself into an interesting situation. She’s not wondering how to get her ex back. She’s wondering if she should take her ex back. I’m going to talk a little bit about that today, what to look for and keep in mind when you’re trying to get your ex back.
Let’s hear from Carol:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Carol. At what point should I stop taking my ex-boyfriend back? He keeps breaking up with me. He’s broken up with me three times now but he always came back. He’ll break up for what seems like reasons in your last blog post. He always tells me he’s scared. He has issues from his past relationships. He always comes back.
I’m tired of getting broken up with. We’re together and everything is great. I like being with him. We have a good relationship. But then he breaks up with me. One time he thought I went on a date with this guy and he broke up with me. I didn’t even go on that date. I think he’s a little insecure. He gets a little jealous. I’ve tried everything I can do to make him not jealous or insecure. I do like him.
I do want to be with him. I just don’t want to get broken up with again. He just started messaging me and trying to talk again. I know he’s going to want to get back together. At what point should I just cut it off and stop getting back together with him? Is he ever going to change? Is it ever going to be what I want? Thanks for taking my question.”
I have to say, I absolutely love this question. I’m so used to dealing with women who want to get their exes back. But Carol is different. She knows her ex is going to come back. With her, it’s a question of, should she take him back? If she decides to take him back, which I’m assuming she will, how does she stop him from continually breaking up with her? It seems like he’s doing this as a way of controlling her.
That is the first point that I want to make. He’s breaking up with her continually. This is the third time. He always seems to come back. He seems to have issues from past relationships, like commitment and jealousy issues. She touched on that. I think those are contributing factors to why he’s breaking up with you, Carol. But I will also say that it’s a control tactic.
I want to focus in on how he got upset when he thought you went on a date. I’ll back him up on this. You should not ever be going out on a date with another guy while you are in a relationship with someone. You are playing with fire there. I will say one thing. His breakup tendencies seem to revolve around the fact that he wants to control you, Carol.
Let me dive into that thinking. You are doing things that he doesn’t like. Your behavior, for example, with this other guy. Something made him think that you were on a date with this other guy. He did not like it. He did not like how that made him feel inside. That’s probably due to past relationships and insecurities. It’s a human thing to have insecurities. It’s very human to be jealous over things, like seeing your woman go out with another man.
But what he’s doing is stepping over the line a little bit. He’s trying to punish you for something that you didn’t do. You were not on a date with another guy. In fact, it was the opposite. You went out of your way to prove to your ex-boyfriend that you are faithful and a good girlfriend. He’s punishing you. It’s a control tactic. In his mind, it will make him feel wanted. In his mind, he’s hoping that you will beg for him back, like you were the one who did something wrong.
Some men like to put themselves in the victim role. They say, “I’m innocent. I didn’t do anything.” That fact is, he’s trying to control you and threatens you with a breakup every time you do something wrong. That’s a little emotionally abusive. You shouldn’t be threatening someone with a breakup if they do something wrong. Rather, you should be talking, communicating and working out these issues together.
Now we get to the really interesting part of this episode. This is going to benefit a lot of the listeners out there. I mentioned today that there’s not going to be a game plan. I’m going to be talking specifically about whether or not you should be trying to get your ex-boyfriend back.
I stumbled across a video about a year ago. It’s still on my mind, even a year later. This video is very interesting to me. This particular person counted out the average number of days that a human will live for. On average, a human will live for 28,835 days. He filled up a box of 28,835 jelly beans.
This was supposed to represent the time that we have left in our lives. That’s roughly 79 years. On average, we live for 79 years in this world. The really cool thing about this video is that it showed you the tasks you do to take time out of your day, out of your jelly beans, so to speak. The person who made this video spread out the 28,835 jelly beans. He showed you what one day looks like. It’s like a tiny, little spec.
Then he showed you what one year looks like. It looks a little bigger but it still doesn’t make a huge dent in the jelly beans. He took out the first 15 years. We are on the cusp of adulthood. This is really when you start your dating life. At age 15 is when I started becoming interested in going on dates with girls. That’s when girls start getting interested in going out on dates. At year 15, you have 23,360 days left of your life.
Here’s the scary stuff. In your life, you will sleep for 8,477 days, on average. You’re going to eat for 1,635 days. I had lunch earlier today. It lasted for about 20 minutes. Over the course of your entire life, you’re going to spend 1,635 days eating and drinking. You will also spend 3,202 days working. The commute is 1,099 days. We’re spending around 4,300 days between commuting to work and working.
Then we’re going to get 2,676 days wasted spending time watching television. I’m extremely guilty of this. I love television. I love watching my TV shows. I love watching movies. Then you’re going to spend 1,576 days doing chores and shopping. I know how you women love to shop. It keeps going on and on like that in the video.
It explains all the different ways that your jelly beans, the days of your life, get used up. When it’s all said and done, the time you have left to go on dates, find a partner and be with someone you love is 2,740 days. That translates to 65,760 hours. That’s pretty eye opening, isn’t it? That’s not a lot of time.
When I say that you have limited time to find someone to be with long term, I’m not kidding. I think women’s time is even more valuable than men’s. Not only do they have 2,740 days, they also have something called the 35 year-old fertility drop.
Let’s say that you want a husband long term. You want a couple of kids. Around age 35, there is a drastic drop in a woman’s fertility. The eggs that she produces are no longer as good. It’s harder to get pregnant and the chances of miscarrying a baby are that much higher. There is a common misconception. You will hear women say, “I got pregnant at 40.” The truth is, generally, it’s very risky. A lot of these celebrities you hear about who get pregnant at 40 had their good eggs frozen when they were between 28 and 30. Then they implant the sperm into those eggs. They implant the egg and they have a baby.
Then there are things like in vitro treatments. Yes, that can work but it is so expensive that 90% of the people listening to this podcast can’t afford it. They covered this in the latest season of House of Cards. I think it was something like $15,000. That’s a lot of money for the average person.
When I say that a woman’s time is even more valuable than a man’s time, it’s because most women want to have children when they get older. You add in the fact that when a woman turns 35, her fertility drastically drops. It’s amazing. At age 35, it’s consistent. It drops. You only have a small window of time to find a suitable partner to spend your life with.
That’s really what I’m talking about today. This is not just for Carol but for every woman in relationships in general. Your time is very valuable. It needs to factor into your decision on if you should take your ex-boyfriend back or not. What do I mean by that? We are going to look at this today as a purely time-based situation. I’ve already outlined why your time is super valuable and you cannot be wasting it.
Also, if you get back with your ex-boyfriend, do you see it going anywhere? Be super honest with yourself. If you don’t see it going anywhere, he’s not worth getting back with. If you do think he’s not going to waste your time, then it’s worth trying to get back together with him. There are no guarantees in this process.
I will say this. The last situation you want to be caught up in is dating someone for 10 years straight without the promise of a future. The next thing you know, you’re 34 years old. You’re with the same guy. You’re coming up on 35. Your fertility is about to drop. Your long-term goals of marriage, kids and the house with the white picket fence go down the drain.
This was just because you got stuck on one stupid guy who would not commit to you. That’s really what it is. Any guy who makes you wait around that long is stupid and is taking advantage of you. You need to be strong enough to realize that. Some of the women on my site get on my nerves because they don’t realize this fact.
They don’t realize that, sometimes, guys are stringing them along on purpose to get things like sex, physical benefits and emotional benefits. He thinks, “She’s there for me but I’m not going to be there for her.” That’s not a long-term relationship. A guy who is stringing you along is wasting your valuable time.
Your time, whether he likes it or not, is more valuable than his. Keep that in mind. You only have 2,740 days to work with here. Think about that. There are 365 days in a year. If we take 2,740 days and divide that by 365 days, that’s seven and a half years that you have for free time, fun things, to enjoy your life and find the person that you’re meant to be with.
To find the person who will be a life partner that you can multiply that 7.5 years into maybe 50 years together with that person. The average American male will get married around age 27 or 28. Women get married around 26 or 27. We’ve already established that the average human being is going to live for 79 years.
Let’s say that a guy gets married at 29 years old. That means he’s going to spend 50 years of his life with a life partner, ideally. You only have seven and a half years to find that person before you can multiply that to 50 years. Do not waste your time on someone who’s not worth the time. Spend your time on someone who is.
That’s my advice to you, Carol. Really look at your boyfriend. I know you love him. I know he’s jealous. I understand all of the micromanaged things that you’ve described to me. I understand them all. He thought you went out on a date. You didn’t. He’s jealous. He has issues in his relationship. He breaks up with you but always comes back. You know he’s going to come back. How do you stop him from breaking up with you?
I could tell you to do this and this. But the truth of the matter is, the one most important factor that you should be looking at on whether or not you should take him back isn’t the stuff of, “How can I get him to stop breaking up with me?” It’s, “Will he waste my time?”
You may be in your early 20s. I was in my early 20s once. I thought I had all the time in the world. Here I am, many years later. I’m telling you that you do not have as much time as you think. It goes by fast. You don’t have a lot of time for relationships in order to find that person. Seven and a half years isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things. That’s frightening. It’s almost depressing. All the little things you’re worried about when it comes to your ex-boyfriend doesn’t matter. What really matters is if he’s wasting your time or not.
To me, if he continues doing what he’s doing, using this tactic where he controls you by breaking up with you or threatening to break up with you, he is wasting your time. He should be dealt with in a swift manner. What I mean is that, instead of him breaking up with you, you break up with him and you mean it. Find someone who is not going to waste your time. Find someone who is going to be worth that time.
You have seven and a half years to find the man of your dreams. I’m sure that you’re going to poke holes in the math. According to the jelly bean video that I’m going to post in the show notes, you have seven and a half years to find the man of your dreams. I know it’s probably not mathematically correct. If we assume that, it’s not a lot of time.
A few episodes ago, there was a woman who dated her ex-boyfriend for 13 years. That is past seven and a half years. She wasted so much time on that guy. If it works out for them, great. That’s fantastic. I gave her really good advice. I think she has a shot of getting him back. But if she doesn’t get him back then she wasted her time on him. That’s time she can never get back. There are a lot of things that you can get back. You can get money back sometimes if you ask for a refund. You can get a second chance at certain things. One thing you will never ever get back is time. There is no way you’ll ever get it back.
The words of wisdom that I’m going to leave you with today, Carol, are simple. Answer this question: Is he wasting your time? If you determine that he’s not, good. Take him back. If you determine he is, do not take him back. I want everyone listening this to understand that. As a woman, your time is more limited than a man’s. I’m assuming you want kids when you get older. A lot of women say, “When I’m older, I’ll have kids.” Well, don’t wait too long. The next thing you know, you’ll be 40 and single. You won’t have any, just because you wasted your time on the wrong guy.
That’s it for Episode 16 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. It’s not really a game plane episode today. I think the game plan was more of the jelly bean lecture. I’ll post the jelly bean video so you can watch in its entirety and understand it for yourself. This might be a poor iteration of what I took from it, but I’m trying to structure things in a way that you can understand that your time is extremely valuable. Don’t let people waste your time. You should only be around people who aren’t going to waste your time, people who enrich your life and make it better.
From the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery family, thank you for listening to Episode 16 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you like the episode, please subscribe to my page on iTunes. I’ll make sure I put a link to the page in the show notes. I’ll see you tomorrow.