The Friend Zone: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

Four words, four little words can be the difference between having a relationship or being in the friend zone forever.

“Let’s just be friends….”

In my time here building Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have received close to 300 emails from different women, all with unique stories about their boyfriends and breakups. One common theme that I have picked up on when communicating with them is “what are you supposed to do if your ex boyfriend says he just wants to be friends?” Now, I will admit that if you find yourself in this position you are going to have some work to do and even if you do everything that I outline on this page you still may not be able to get your ex boyfriend back.

This is The Friend Zone Page..

My readers have dubbed this as the “friend zone page.” Since this page has garnered so much attention I thought I would come back and buff it up a little bit. So, this new version of the page is going to focus a lot about how YOU can get out of the friend zone if you have been placed there by an ex. Now, since you are on this page I am assuming that your ultimate goal is to get your ex boyfriend back.

There seems to be a common misunderstanding that getting out of the friend zone is essentially the same thing as getting a boyfriend back. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but it isn’t. Getting out of the friend zone doesn’t guarantee you success in getting him back. All it does is prove that you could POTENTIALLY be more than friends with him again. There are a lot of goals/steps that have to pass in order for you to be an official couple again and this page cannot help you with that. Remember, this article is only about how to get out of the friend zone.

If you are looking for something a little more in-depth that can give you the full steps to getting a boyfriend back then I would like to point you towards Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO, my ebook.

Check Out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

A Sad Truth That You Need To Accept

I am going to tell you something that almost everyone else out there is afraid to tell you. All I can do is raise your chances of getting your ex back. Ultimately, the decision on whether he should take you back or not is up to him, not me or you. Even if you do everything right he may still decide that it’s best to move on. The sad truth is that a part of the strategy outlined on this page is out of your hands.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I want you to prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that you may not get him back. I am going to be completely honest with you, women who tend to do better when it comes to getting out of the “friend zone” and into the dating zone are ones who have accepted this sad truth. The ones that I see fail time and time again are the ones that are overly emotional and can’t accept that life may have to go on without their ex significant other.

The Friend Zone

Ahh… the dreaded friend zone! It’s a place that we have all put someone in the past and a place that we never want to be. I will admit that my introduction to the friend zone came in my early high school years. However, I remember it like it was yesterday. There was a girl who I really liked a lot and thought she felt the same about me. I soon found out how wrong I was when I asked her out to a school dance and got the dreaded “Umm… we can go as friends right?”

Make no mistake about it, I know what it is like to have feelings for someone and not be able to do anything about it. The question I am going to ask is, “is it possible to get out of the dreaded friend zone?”

I personally believe that it is possible. However, you have to accept that a certain part of getting out is left up to chance.

Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

Since we are talking about ex boyfriends here you do have a certain advantage on your side. You see, in the example I gave above (where I asked the girl to the dance) I was at a disadvantage because the girl had no romantic feelings for me at all. Your case is a little different because your ex boyfriend has already demonstrated that he does have romantic feelings towards you. Now, he may have lost his feelings towards you which is why he broke up but don’t worry because I am going to give you the tools you need to reignite his feelings for you. First things first though.

Freezing Him Out

(If you want to learn more about the no contact rule I suggest reading PRO as soon as possible.)

If this is going to work there are a certain amount of sacrifices that you are going to have to make. These sacrifices won’t be easy and even as I write these words I am sure that 90% of the people reading this page will fail to do them. Why? Because most people don’t have to discipline to do what I am about to suggest.

I am a big believer in the No Contact Rule. You know, that little rule that says you can’t talk to your ex in any way shape or form for 30 days? If you look through my site you will see that almost on every page I mention it’s significance. If that doesn’t tell you how important I think it is then perhaps a few website visitors can convince you.

The following quotation is a comment I received yesterday from a woman who has been actively freezing her ex boyfriend out using the no contact rule!

I originally left a post on the 8th….. And stopped contacting him unless it was about our daughter. It’s been three days, I’m telling you NC works. This morning at 7am I received a text from him that said “do not respond to this, but I miss you”. Holding strong, and I have been running and eating healthier. The next time he sees me I am going to look amazing. Hold on with the the NC ladies, it’s one of the hardest things, but after three days I already had him admitting that he misses me! …. Keeping busy!!

“Alright, alright Chris, we get it No contact = Good but you haven’t told us how it can help get us out of the friendzone?”

Usually when people get “friendzoned” they accept their fate and actually become friends with the person they are interested in. Now, what do friends do? Well, they talk, text message, facebook, etc. I am not saying this behavior is bad I am just saying that you can’t expect to get back on your ex boyfriends radar doing this.

Since we are focusing specifically on an ex boyfriend the dynamic is a little different. Most women who come to me seeking for help have done the following things immediately after their breakup:

  • They have blown up their exes cell phone with whiny text messages like “please, we are worth fighting for” or “I can change I promise.”
  • Their behavior has forced their ex to unfriend them on Facebook.
  • They have put their ex in an uncomfortable corner where he would no longer respond to their texts or calls.
  • Written letters declaring their undying love.
  • Oh, and my personal favorite, gone to their exes parents to ask for advice.

Trust me, this behavior is not attractive to men. In fact, we are hardwired to believe that it is expected from women after a breakup. I remember my last serious breakup the exact thoughts I had going through my head were “I wonder when she is going to call me?” Now, you may be thinking “wow that is great he wanted her to call.” I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it like this “I wonder when she is going to call me to start trying to get me back?” I must give my ex props for not being too desperate and clingy. However, three days later she texted and in my mind at that moment she lost her value to me.

You see, for three days I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the call or text, almost expecting it. It was exciting to be left in suspense like that but all the excitement left the moment my hypothesis was confirmed and she texted. Now, can you imagine how different that situation would have gone if she would have just waited a full 30 days before texting me? Let me give you a small sample of how I think I would have reacted.

Days 1-5: “When is she going to text me? I know she totally wants me back.”

Days 6-12: “Something is wrong, &*^% she is really over the breakup.”

Days 12-20: I’d probably break down and text…. no response… I get very very angry.

Days 20-30: “Well fine… I am sooo over her..” she finally texts “Wow, I can’t believe this happened.”

Notice how slowly but surely I went kind of crazy! Guys only go this crazy over girls they are interested in hearing from. Of course, not all guys will react this way but don’t worry. I know exactly what to do in those cases as well.

Time To Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

The no contact rule alone probably will not be enough to get you out of the friend zone. For some women, you will find that a simple freeze out for a month will be enough. However, in my experience, more has to be done to reclaim your old relationship. This section is the “more” that has to be done.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. It is very easy to screw up this part. If you say one wrong thing or act just a tiny bit too desperate your chances of getting him back will be gone faster than you can say “goodbye.” No pressure right? Haha. Don’t worry though, I am going to do my best to lay out this method in the simplest manner possible so you can understand exactly what you need to do.

IMPORTANT- In order for the methods below to work to their fullest extent you must have implemented a 30 day no contact rule.

Catching His Eye

You are going to text your ex boyfriend.

“Whoa… Wait, Wait, Wait! What about calling, emailing or writing a letter?”

Good question! I actually wrote an entire section in The Texting Bible outlining the benefits of texting vs. calling, emailing and letters. Check it out here. So, after you read that section and we are on the same page the question now becomes “what do you say to your ex after all this time in a text message?”

Well, I actually have two methods for a first contact text. One method will be for women whose ex boyfriends have contacted them during the no contact period and the other method is for women whose boyfriends didn’t.

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Contacted Them During NC

Alright, admittedly you already have a bit of an advantage over the other women (the ones whose bf’s did not contact them.) Your ex is clearly interested in you, probably a little worried and maybe a little angry that you haven’t been responding to him. Anyways, the point of all this is that it probably won’t take a lot to get your ex to respond to your first contact text. With that in mind, I definitely WOULD NOT recommend that you send him a simple one word text like:

“hey” or “hi”

In fact, I would even say variations like:

“hey, what’s up?” or “whats going on?”

Are a really bad idea.

(Again, this is covered in The Texting Bible)

If you are going to send a text to your ex boyfriend (who told you he just wants to be friends) a simple “Hey, whats up?” isn’t going to do the trick. Your text needs to have substance and it needs to force him to reach back in his mind and think of something positive. Here are a few of my personal favorite examples:

Or another one of my favorites:

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Did Not Contact Them During NC

I know it feels hopeless. You read about the no contact rule and were sure it was going to work. You waited day after day secretly hoping that today was the day that he would finally reach out to see how you were doing… only he didn’t. What now? Should you give up and just accept that maybe you two weren’t meant to be together?

No, you aren’t going to give up until you try everything you can.

First things first, your main priority isn’t to start up a conversation with a friendly text (like the women did in the examples above.) Your main objective is to get him to respond to your text message and then engage him in a conversation. So, how do you get him to respond to a text message when deep down you have a feeling that he wants nothing to do with you.

You create a text message so enticing that it is impossible for him NOT to respond to it.

I will provide you with examples for my “enticing” text below but some of you may not like it because it will require a lot of planning and thought for what to say after the message to keep him hooked in. However, our main objective is just to get him to engage in a text messaging conversation with you because it is a sign that he is interested in what you have to say.

However, if you have a better idea for your “enticing” message then feel free to use it or you can ask me what I think about it in the comments section of this page. Lets take a look at the two examples that I have come up with.

or

The key to making these texts work is to have something interesting to say after the initial “confession.” What you need to say is completely up to you. However, the probability that you will get a response is very high so make sure you have something prepared.

Also, this is something that is a personal preference to me. I would actually wait one hour from the moment that he responds before you respond to his text messages. This way, he is sweating a little bit and can’t wait for your response. It will take amazing discipline but it might increase the chances of him engaging you in a conversation.

The Conversation

This section is extremely important because it is going to teach you how your conversations should go with your ex. While I plan on going as indepth as I can here nothing will ever compare to the detail that I use in the bible here.

I am going to give you a little insight to the male mind. The thing about men is that a certain part of their attraction towards women is very predictable. You see, we always want what we can’t have. You tell us that we can’t have that cookie on the plate… we want that cookie. You tell us that we can’t have that cute blonde in the corner… we want that cute blonde in the corner.

Here is the funny thing. Most men, once they set their mind to something they get a bit of tunnel vision. They focus on that one thing and block everything out. You want your ex to get his tunnel vision on YOU. The only question is how do you accomplish that?

Well, that is easy! You just become something that he can’t have by dominating every texting conversation you have with him. Now, when I say “dominate” I don’t mean to actually dominate him. For example, if you are a Republican and he is a Democrat do not dominate him in the conversation to the point where he changes party affiliations, that’s just scary.

No, I want you to dominate the conversation by ending it first. You always want to leave with him wanting a bit more. I would compare this to the show Game of Thrones. If you have ever seen GOT then you know how wildly addicting it is. However, if you really stop to think about it, while the writing is great and the plot twists come out of nowhere, it is really the shows ability to keep you coming back for more that makes it so interesting. Every single episode is left with an amazing cliffhanger that makes you go “WHYYYY… Why does it have to end?”

I want you to take this “cliffhanger” theory and apply it to your conversations with your ex boyfriend via text message. Make sure that you always leave him wanting more.

How do you do this? Well, there are really two ways to do this.

Method One: The Nice Way

The nice way to end a conversation with your ex is to start the conversation with him, hook him in the conversation.

The Hooking Point- The part of the conversation where your ex is extremely engaged. Think of it like the climax of the story, except it is the climax of the conversation.

Anyways, once you have him hooked you simply bow out of the conversation with this simple text:

Method Two: Evil Genius Way

I really can’t take credit for this method. I have to thank almost every single girl that I have really liked and not gotten. I have found that this method works on me (so by default it should work on your ex boyfriends and help you get out of the friend zone.)

This method is a lot like the one described above. You get engaged in a conversation with your ex, you get to the hooking point of the conversation and then you end the conversation abruptly making him want more. Here is the only difference.

Instead of ending the conversation with a simple “I g2g” like I explained in the example above, you end the conversation by not responding at all.

This will accomplish two big things. For one, he is going to be checking his phone multiple times, which will reinforce to him that you are important. Secondly, technically you never ended the conversation so you can always start back up whenever you want and it won’t be weird!

Published July 13, 2013, | Modified November 8, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

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What Do You Think? (1,248)

  1. Isabella - 0

    Isabella

    Hello Chris and Amor,

    I followed the No Contact advice for more than 30 days. My ex did contact me half-way to meet up, but I told him no. After doing no contact again, I initiated contact with my ex by following the “First Text” message. Everything went great. We texted back and forth and eventually agreed to meet up for lunch. When we met, we had a great conversation on what we’ve been up to. Our bond seemed the same except we didn’t do any romantic things or any flirting. We had one silent moment and I kinda freaked out and blurted if we could be “friends” from now on. That he can contact me anytime if he wants to hang out or someone to talk to. He seemed to agree by nodding his head and we resumed talking again. When we parted ways, he told me to text him anytime I want to hang out.

    I realized that I (the dumpee) friend-zoned my ex! What should I do now? Should I continue doing low contact? Should I ask to hang out again? Do I need to be hot and cold in our next hang out? I was not hot and cold during that Lunch. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Isabella

      chill, you’re over thinking.. You’re not suppose to have a romantic date on the first meet..That’s ok.. You’re starting out as friends.. Just take it slow.. Build rapport first, always have fun but don’t be too available.. Continue having your own life

  2. Megan - 0

    Megan

    My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 weeks ago due to him not wanting to be in a committed relationship. We were in a very happy relationship for a little over a year. I have not initiated contact but he kept texting me asking to hang out. We ended up having sex twice these past 2 weeks. He says he wants me to go out and date but he does not want to himself. Is there a good chance of us getting back together? I am on day 2 of the 30 day no contact rule but I am scared to lose him.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Megan,

      dont sleep with him again. There can be a be a chance that he may want you back but dont give him the benefit of being in a relationship when you’re not together. And be active in improving yourself during and after nc

  3. anon - 0

    anon

    I commented on one of these articles like a month and a half ago.

    I’ve done no contact before on my ex, which lasted for only 2 days because he immediately wanted me back. And what I did and made him think was really manipulative. This same guy broke up with me two nights ago because he lost romantic feelings for me and it wasn’t fair to me that he didn’t love me back the same way. When we broke up the first time and I fell off the face of the Earth for him for a couple of days, he didn’t wonder if I moved on. He thought I hurt myself badly. And so this time I told him I wouldn’t be contacting him for awhile. I know the previous break up and explaining that I’m not going to contact him for awhile is going to at least severely limit my chances of winning him back, but is there even a chance? I am hurting so bad, even worse than the first one even though I was more or less expecting this one because I could tell his love for me was dying out.

    Reply
    • anon - 0

      anon

      I should probably add we met through our current friend group, and I told him he’s allowed to hang out with everyone so complete no contact is not possible because when I come home (especially approaching the holiday season) I need to hang out with these people to distract me. It already happened yesterday. He came over to give me my ring back and he gave me the most comforting hug. And so I thought that was it, because I already knew he had plans for the night and so I made plans in our friends’ group chat and he ended up cancelling his plans to go to the party that was planned. Before he left, he asked me again to make sure it was okay that he went and I said “Yeah”. He didn’t say a word to me the entire night, but I also ignored him as much as I could. This morning though, after that being a rough experience at least for me, I told our friends that I like hanging out with them all but I just couldn’t do it anymore and left the chat. I still plan on having one of my closer friends tell them if I decide to do something at my house and want to invite them.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anon,

      Ok, this time, complete the 30 days and make the most of it to heal independently.

  4. Janna Goulding - 0

    Janna Goulding

    My boyfriend just broke up with me. Friend zoned me. I’m scared it’s just because he has commitment issues. I want to try the 30 day NC but I’m scared if I do that immediately, then he’ll think I’m over him. I want him to see if space will help him so he will want me back, but I’m scared that what ever I do will backfire. Advice?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Janna,

      so, you want him to think you’re just there, waiting for him?

  5. Heather - 0

    Heather

    Okay so me and my boyfriend dated for 2 years. We lived together for almost a year and we just moved into a new apartment, and we have pets, leases, and car payments together. We’re both 21. I moved to a different state to be with him, so now I’m alone here, and living with my friend. Things didn’t work out because I was clingy, needy, didn’t try hard enough, and a bit controlling and wouldn’t let him have much freedom. We planned our life together and we’re planning the future together too, the break up totally blindsided me. He said he just didn’t have feelings for me in a relationship type way anymore, and doesn’t care if I try to change, and I asked if we could fix things, and he kept saying maybe down the road or I don’t know right now. So we have been broken up for a month. The first week I kept begging and crying to him, and wasn’t getting the responses I wanted. The second week I saw him to exchange mail I had at our apartment (which is still mine and his but I moved to my friends apartment because I didn’t want to stay there anymore because I was upset) we didn’t talk much during the mail exchange and just were short and that was it. So I decided to go full no contact and not talk, text, call or anything and it’s been 2 weeks of no contact, and 2 days ago he reaches out to me and says hey how are you? I didn’t answer right away, but responded and said I’m good how are you then more simple messages were exchanged, like about work and our pets. So then he sends me a really long message and said “I’m just seeing how you and the pets are doing I don’t want this to be awkward or anything when we talk and even though we’re not together I don’t see why we can’t be friends. If you need anything or someone to talk to I’m here.” So he sent that last night and I opened the message and read it and still haven’t responded because I don’t know what to say to him. I want more than a friendship I thought no contact would make him want to be back with me. I even have been bettering myself and focusing on my health, wealth, and relationship. I’m not sure if he truly wants to be my friend, or if he is unsure if breaking up with me was a good choice so he’s using friendship as a way to come back into my life slowly? I’m afraid to ask him why he wants to be friend because I don’t want to mess it up or make him think I’m not interested. What do I do if I want to get back together with him? Because as of right now I still haven’t answered his message and he knows I read it, and I don’t want to go another day of ignoring it.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Heather,

      if the no contact rule is working to increase your chances, talking and being friends just after two weeks is too early.. try to finish the 30 day, establish your new routine.. he has to see that you’re serious..

  6. Isabella - 0

    Isabella

    Hello,

    My ex-bf of 3 years broke up with me because he said he thinks I’m “not the one.” I implemented NC right away. On day 10 of NC, he texted me asking if I’m free to meet up. I replied the next day asking why he would like to meet up and he said because he wants to see how I’m doing and if we could ever be friends. I told him “no” to the meeting and that I’m not ready to be friends yet. He told me to let him know when I’m ready. To be honest, I don’t mind being friends with my ex because I don’t want to be back with someone who can’t put in 100% into our relationship. I feel like I would need to do NC to heal before becoming friends. However, I do want to at least try and see if there is a chance I can win him back. What do you think is the best method I should do? Since I broke NC to reply to his invitation, do I need restart NC back to Day 1 or continue to Day 11 NC?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Isabella,

      Yes, you need to restart the count to day 1.Be active in improving yourself. Don’t like his posts nor social media stalk him but be active in posting in social media.

  7. Leslie L - 0

    Leslie L

    I’ve been dating my guy for a year. We broke up and we’re trying to work things out. He said he wants things to work but is hurt from what happened in our relationship where I pushed him away and his wall is high . He asked me to be patient and give him time but said he feels guilty that I love him and he dosent feel the same way yet. So he said he wants to just be friends. When I told him no .. he begged me stating ..” I want you in my life.” This isn’t what I want. I’m going to notice every day that your gone. I don’t want you to disappear. Asked me to call him I said no. Then asked if we could sit down and talk in a few days I said no. Bc he just told me his feelings aren’t the same for me and he dosent feel them progressing. This happened last night. This morning he was already texting telling me I left something in his truck. I did not respond bc he had already previously told me this the night before.

    Reply
    • Leslie L - 0

      Leslie L

      he was saying these things in addition to the I want to be friends.

    • Leslie L - 0

      Leslie L

      Also for a year we’ve never been apart (other than when we went to visit famklties for the weekend ) and have never gone more than a day without speaking .

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Leslie,

      you did the right thing because if you agreed, that means you’re friendzoned..worse is you’ll be friends with benefit if something happened.. try doing 30 days no contact..Most important thing is that you heal and improve yourself during and after nc

  8. Kay - 0

    Kay

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. We didnt talk at all except once we texted about work because we work together, once he said happy birthday, and once I just texted him saying I hope everything is okay because his dad passed away a week before. So technically I guess we broke NC but I really dont think i couldve not reached out to him after his father dying….However, the other night we had a “Talk” because we both agreed we wanted to talk about the brekaup as we went 3 weeks without saying anything about it. It didnt go badly but it didnt go well. He just said he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now and he wants to be friends, i told him I didnt want him out of my life but i didnt want to be friends. I even said how can we be friends when we BOTH have feelings still and he said eventually he thinks we will be okay and not feel that way. So my question is, am I stuck in the friend zone? How do I get out? Do i have to do NC all over again? he is going to be so confused.

    Reply
  9. Sara - 0

    Sara

    My boyfriend broke up with me about a month ago. He said he is busy and we should be friends, take things slow and see where it goes. We stayed friends for two weeks till I realized he’s dating other girls. I got upset and I told him I don’t wanna be his friend and watch him finding another woman. He didn’t try much to change my mind. I haven’t contacted him for more than a week and haven’t heard from him. I’m going to stick to the 30 day NC rule. But, I’m not sure if he cares enough to miss me or contact me at all.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hi Sara,

      do nc for you to heal and improve
      because even if you stayed to be friends, would he care? no right? He even dated while you were friends..

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