So it happens. You finally do it after you analyzed your decision for days or weeks.
You thought about all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t for the best.
You told your friends that you were thinking of breaking up with him. That you would be the the one he would do it first, finally pulling the chute on the relationship.
You prepared what you were going to say.
Finally, you did it. You broke it off with your boyfriend and you were not going to look back. You reasoned that he was not the guy for you and you deserved better.
Why Am I So Sad and Feel Terrible After Breaking Up With Him?
But you didn’t count on the flood of feelings you would be having and now you are wondering if you are one of those girls who broke up with their boyfriend but still loves him. You find yourself wondering if he misses you, because you certainly are missing him.
You may feel like an idiot, not knowing why you aren’t more relieved to be away from your boyfriend. This is not how you expected to feel. Inside your are thinking, “I broke up with my ex boyfriend and I feel terrible and it hurts not to have him in my life”.
The whole thing is like a blur. One moment you want to throw him out of your life and the next moment you are besieged with these feelings that you can’t live without him, fussing over how much he is missing you because you sure as heck miss him.
The deed is done and you are not even sure what you should feel much of the time.
Should you feel guilty, or relieved, or sad? Is it wrong that you still want him after ending it and why do you feel so sad after ditching him?
Does the above sound familiar to you?
So, if YOU broke up with HIM and you now find yourself missing him and wanting him back, this article is going to be dedicated to you. We are going to talk about 5 main things that you need to know to understand your plight and progress forward.
- Why Do You Miss Him and Still Love Him After Breaking It Off With Him?
- How To Know If He Misses You Enough To Come Back To You
- How To Deal With the Regret of Ending the Relationship Prematurely
- Why You Broke Up With Him In The First Place
- What Can You Do To Repair The Damage Done
But if you are really thirsty for an abbreviated answer to why you feel the way you do after dumping your ex boyfriend, then consider this:
Your confusing set of feelings and emotions since your broke up with your ex is influenced not just by your complicated past history with him, but also how the biology of how your mind and body reacts to this event.
But for you to fully understand what is happening to you since you told him it was over, you need to read the rest of this article because we are dealing with the dynamics of relationship science!
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhy Do I Miss Him Because It Felt So Right to Break It Off?
Let’s start off with the obvious one here. What is the whole reason you’ve found yourself here reading this article?
You miss him, right?
You precipitated a breakup but now you realize you still love him, right?
You broke it off with your ex boyfriend and now it hurts badly and you have no clue where to put all this pain.
All this has to mean you were meant for each other, right?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAwwwww.
But You Broke Up With Him and your were quite sure it was the right thing to do at the time.
And now you regret it. So what gives?
Awwww!!
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
We’ll talk about the regret later.
For now, we’re going to talk about the missing part, specifically you missing him and why in the heck these feelings you were not anticipating seem to control you like a puppet.
After a breakup, it is only natural for you to miss your ex boyfriend.
Yes, even if you were the one to break up with him.
Let’s talk about the reasons that you may miss him, even after you initiated the split up.
If you’ve seen the show “This Is Us” you know that the kids are nicknamed The Big Three.
How is this relevant?
Well, it’s not really relevant at all, but I am going to give you “The Big Three” when it comes to missing your ex.
I’ve been researching and writing a lot about missing your ex lately and I’ve come to believe that there are three things that can really influence why we feel the way we do after leaving our ex.
The Big Three Influencers are:
- The Science of Relationships and Breakups
- The Habits and Routines of Your Time With Your Ex Boyfriend
- The Addiction That Exist Between You and Your Ex Boyfriend
There is an interesting thing about the Big Three. They all are intertwined. They all go hand and hand together and affect each other. Like one big happy family, like the gang from “This Is Us.”
Hey, I guess that did have a point after all!
Whenever you think, “Does He Miss Me. Does He Still Love Me. Why Do I feel so terrible. Why does it hurt so much”, I want you to think about The Big Three.
In order to do that, you need a brief overview of these influences on our mind and body.
1. The Science of Relationship Breakups
Science tells us that it takes on average about 66 days to break a habit.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizRemember, your addiction to your ex or your relationship routines was initially formed from habits. You and your ex boyfriend would do certain things together on or around the same time. These activities would form a sense of structure that would carry you through the day. There is usually a certain sense of security and constancy associated with having a routine.
Take that away, then suddenly you are not quite sure what to do or feel. It is like something is missing from your life. And that would be true. Something you use to do or count with your ex, without even thinking about it, is suddenly gone and that can make you feel vulnerable.
It’s not like your ex boyfriend was awful to you in every respect. There are undoubtedly many things he did for you or said to you or did with you that you appreciated and valued and sometimes you don’t see those things clearly until they are carved out of your life.
Breaking up with him can quickly carve out those things from your life that you you use to routinely enjoy and appreciate. But often you won’t realize all of this until they are literally absent from your daily routines.
Therefore, it will take you at least 66 days to break habits such as:
- Thinking about him
- Wanting to know about him
- Talking to him and really being heard
- Enjoying be held and supported by your ex boyfriend
- Exploring new challenges with him
- Feeling emotionally and physically secure by being in his presence.
So, this also means that it is perfectly normal for you to miss your ex and for your ex to miss you for at least 66 days. It could take more time or less time, remember the 66 days is an average based on a study that was performed. But you get the idea.
Now wait a minute, you just heard me say that he misses you too.
But he probably hasn’t told you that yet or you’ve been dying to know if he does.
One part of your brain is telling you that he certainly couldn’t miss being around you because after all you dumped him. You are the one that broke it off. Indeed, you may have unceremoniously ended thing in the worst way possible. So if these things are true, why would he care a lick about you?
Wouldn’t it be more likely that your ex boyfriend is trying to erase you from his memories and has put your far away from his mind? Well, some of that could be true too. But trust me, he will come to miss you as those some emotions that are pulling on your heart will influence him too.
So, let’s talk about why he misses you.
And I promise you, he will miss you.
2. Your Habits and Routines are Stepping Stones for Relationship Addiction
Habits are formed by repeating the same activity over and over again. And if you and your boyfriend were together for a good amount of time then you both will have spent some quality time doing things that get embedded in your mind. Some of these activities may be very memorable and by sharing them together, you are in a way wedded and connected by the experience.
So not only are we talking about stuff you and your ex boyfriend use to do a lot, but we are also talking about the magnitude of the experience these thing had in your lives. Some habits are more impactful than others and leaves a mark.
Addictions are formed from habits. Basically, that is when you do something so much that you find it very difficult to stop. There can be good and bad addictions. Right now, we are talking about the good addictions. Hugging, cuddling, or making love can fire off rewarding chemicals which will make you feel so good, it will cause you form a habit or routine of repeating that experience.
But your habits with your ex boyfriend were not all about intimacy and sex. There are many things you did together than brought you joy. Or maybe not even joy, but was done because it needed to be done. The first time you do these kinds of things, it is just an action but after you do it, again and again, it becomes a habit that you both participated in and a connection or bond forms through these activities.
And once you do it several times repeatedly, it can form into a type of addiction.
So what is the importance of this?
Well, we do not know how habits and addictions are linked, so let’s focus in on the third thing, the science of relationship addiction.
3. A Relationship Addiction You and Your Ex Boyfriend Share
Relationships and love function in a person’s brain like an addiction.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
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Love, it is literally a drug. Certain hormones and chemicals are released from your brain, influencing your behavior. When you do these things with your boyfriend that bring you pleasure, you get accustomed to getting getting your relationship fix.
Take your boyfriend out of the picture, suddenly your mind and body rebels. If he is not around, at first you will be relieved because you have been carrying this weight of what to do, but later the deficit of feel good chemicals that are released because your boyfriend is not there to trigger them will catch up with you. Such is the magnetic draw between men and women.
People who study this have done some pretty cool experiments and have found that feelings of romantic love activate the same “reward system” areas of the brain that are activated when an addict is getting their fix.
Crazy isn’t it! But it is true and this explains why your mind and body is still wired in all kinds of ways to your ex boyfriend. It’s like you break it off with him because you think it is the best thing for you, but no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get away from him as your body’s chemistry yearns for him and you begin to second guess yourself and wonder if you acted impulsively to end things.
Of course it is even more complicated than that.
He Misses You As Much As You Miss Him Because of the Mirroring Effect
You miss him so much and you can’t help but wonder if he misses you too.
You may be waiting for the words “I Miss You” to pop up on the screen of your phone. You may find yourself checking your phone repeatedly waiting for this. In fact, you probably do this already waiting for it to happen.
You don’t know where his head’s at in all of this. Is he pissed that you broke up with him? Will he ever forgive you? Did you make the biggest mistake of your life when you called it quits with him?
These are some terrifying thoughts, I’m sure.
Let me tell you, one thing that is almost certain is that he misses you.
He may not say it, but I’ll assure you he does. He actually probably misses you MORE since you were the dumper and he is the dumpee.
And science tells us after a breakup, the brain goes through a similar reaction as a drug withdrawal. After a breakup, similar to an addict, you are going to miss and crave what you were formerly addicted to. Your love was literally his drug.
Since you are both so connected in ways you cannot even explain, there is usually what is called the “mirroring effect”.
So think of a mirror. Look into it. If you see a person who is beside herself with remorse and sadness because her boyfriend is gone from her life, then know that on the other side of the mirror is your boyfriend who is seeing and feeling the same things for himself.
So, believe me when I tell you that your ex will miss you too.
How To Deal With Regret of Ending the Romance With Your Ex
Okay, so if you broke up with your ex and now you are wanting him back, it is safe to say that you regret your decision.
So, let’s talk about it.
You may be thinking that if the breakup was meant to happen, you wouldn’t be missing him as much as you do. As a result, little doubts start creeping into your mind as you question whether you acted wrongly. As time goes by, these little doubts can grow into big doubts to the point where you convince yourself you screwed up and feel compelled to hastily do something to get him back.
Or, you may be thinking that your life was easier with him than it is without him. Maybe it was one of those close calls where it seemed like the right thing to do to leave him, but now with him gone and you have had time to settle your emotions, you realize he was more important to you than you realized and that it’s worth trying to work through the problems together.
Whatever your reason is for missing him, if you find yourself regretting your decision of breaking up with your ex, you should ask yourself if you regret breaking up with him just because you miss him OR if the reason you broke up with him is no longer a good enough reason.
Missing someone is not a good enough reason by itself to get back together.
These feelings of feeling empty will fade over time. Remember, those Big Three are currently working against you and making you miss your ex like crazy, right now.
However, once you allow some time for recovery to help break those habits and the addiction, then the science will start to work in your favor again. The chemicals will normalize. Those things which your are missing will be replaced with new pleasurable routines and habits.
Now, if missing your ex boyfriend isn’t a good enough reason to get back together, then let’s talk about the reason you broke up with him and if that is something that you can now work through.
Why You Broke Up With Him In The First Place
Now, we’ve talked about all the feelings that you are going through right now. I know. It is no picnic. You did something to end the troubles you were having. For whatever reason, you believed the connection with your boyfriend was no longer a healthy one and you weren’t happy, so you acted to end it.
So trust in that. Don’t throw that away unless you have some convincing reasons to show you acted out of ignorance or were impulsive.
But let’s say you are plagued by doubts. You are uncertain if you broke up with him for the wrong reason. These feelings come after the breakup and they can be bitch to wrestle with.
Before I get into what you should do, let’s rewind to before the breakup. As I said, you did break up with him for a reason and it was likely a good reason.
And, since your brain is basically… well… hormone souped up right now, you should know that there are some really good reasons for breaking up with someone.
And, missing him and feeling sad and hurt about the whole thing is not a good enough reason to get back together.
Common Reasons To Break Up a Relationship
- Overwhelmed By Disagreements
- One Major Fight
- A slow but clear realization you are not compatible in the most important areas
- You Lost The “Spark”
- You Thought You’d Find Someone Better
- He Just Wasn’t Treating You Right
- You Cheated on Your Ex
The reasons above are some of the most common reasons I see girls give for breaking up with their boyfriend.
If your reasons for ending it with your boyfriend falls into one of the reasons above, then it is likely that you may miss him or feel a little bit of regret over your decision.
You may now be thinking that he was the one for you and you took your love for granted, or you may be realizing that you both contributed to the “spark” being lost, not just him. If you cheated on him, then you may feel really awful about your decision and are left wondering what you can do to get him back. The tug of guilt can really mess with your mind.
Don’t worry, if you left him for one of the reasons above, these reasons are SUPER common and the EBR team has your back.
Keep on reading as I’m going to lay out a plan that you can start TODAY in an effort to win your ex back.
But first, I mentioned that there were some reasons that were good reasons to break up with your ex boyfriend and not look back
You Probably Shouldn’t Look Back If Your Ex Boyfriend…
- He Cheated Frequently
- He Was or Became Abusive
- There Have Been Multiple Breakups
- He Ended Things With You and Did So In a Cruel Way
- He Ghosted You, Giving You No Explanation Why He Walked Out
If you broke up with your ex boyfriend because he cheated then I want you to really think about getting him back.
You will miss him and may feel sadness about breaking up with him.
This is all VERY normal.
However, if you get him back, you will have to learn to trust him again. And that is a whole other process.
What I am about to ask you will be difficult.
I want you to consider something.
If your ex cheated, ask yourself if it was an isolated incident? Is his behavior out of character. Or, is it something that is likely to be repeated?
If he is a repeat offender, it is more likely that he will cheat again…. and again… and again.
You would be better off finding someone who you can trust not to betray you.
Sorry. I know that’s hard to hear. The grip an ex boyfriend can have on your heart can be strong. But remember what I taught you. There are clear cut chemical reasons that can cause you to feel emotionally and physically addicted to someone who is no good for you.
And if you broke up with your ex boyfriend because he was abusive, then breaking up with him was absolutely the right decision. There is no level of abuse that is acceptible in a loving relationship. You don’t do that to the people you care about.
So, even though you are missing him and may regret the decision, in some of these cases you can rest easy in knowing that you made the right decision.
I’m going to say this and I want you to take this seriously. Sometimes you may choose the wrong boyfriend to be with. Sometimes it’s time to move forward with your life and leave that mess in the past.
If you feel you could be in such as situation, I want you to focus on becoming the epitome of the Ungettable Girl. You can do this by reading up on what exactly that means in the following articles:
- The Ungettable Girl
- The 6 Things That Are Keeping You From Being Ungettable
- How to Be Confident When You Feel Like Crap After a Breakup
- How To Take Charge Of Your Life After A Breakup (One Woman’s Incredible Story)
Know that missing him and the regret will go away over time and you aren’t even likely to notice if you are rocking your own life.
What Can You Do To Erase The Damage of the Departure
Okay so you want a plan… right? Let’s talk about what to do if you if you broke up with your boyfriend and now you want him back.
No Contact Is Going To Optimize Your Chances
No Contact is the first step. And when I say the first step I’m not saying that you should put your toe on the step and jump on to the next step. You have to complete the whole step before moving on to the next one.
If you are wondering what it is, it is a period of 21, 30, or 45 days where you are not going to talk to your ex at all.
I know what you are wondering,
“Well, if I broke up with him and now want him back, won’t this push him farther away.”
Simply put, the answer to this is NO, usually not!
Breakups are hard. They are usually harder on the dumpee. So, you need to give your ex some space. More often what happens is a girl will rush back to her ex boyfriend trying to make right all of the damage from the original act. She may resort to crying and begging to be forgiven, to give her another chance.
All of this usually just confused and upsets the boyfriend even more and worse you end up losing most of your personal power and leverage.
Your ex is probably going to be very emotional and going to have some bad feelings towards you. I’m sure you can understand this, since you are going through emotional struggles of your own.
This is why it is so important to do a proper No Contact. It will allow both you and your ex to get over any negative emotions and bad feelings that you have so when you do communicate, you have a better chance of keeping the emotions under wraps.
While your No Contact can help with your ex, it is mostly meant to help you with your recovery.
Improvements You Can Make For Yourself
During No Contact, you should be working on self-improving… like big time!
Become the best version of yourself that you possibly can be.
Do all of things that you’ve always wanted to do.
Towards the end of your No Contact I also want you to go back to the list of reasons why you left. Ask yourself again if the breakup was a good idea. Do not be blinded by a bad relationship just because you miss him. Hopefully you have had enough time by that point that you are seeing clearly enough to see past that.
Reach out to Him When It’s The Right Time
Only after you have completed your No Contact period should you even consider reaching out to your ex boyfriend. There are some exceptions to this depending on various circumstances which you can read about more in my ebook, The No Contact Rule Book.
But keep in mind, he may still be angry or hurt that you broke up with him. He may be hurt that you refused to contact him during No Contact. So think of this as a process and a bit of a balancing act. You can’t read his mind, so be patient and if you make mistakes, don’t fret over it.
So, you will need to be prepared that he may not be warm and welcoming at first. This is normal. He may finally get around to asking you why you ignored him for so long. It can all be explained away with one simple statement.
“I needed some time to get focused on what I want out of life.”
Now, be forewarned, you have to actually have something to show for that. I mean you have to have made significant improvements in your life if you want to get him back after all of this.
- How To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend On The Phone
- Handling The First Time You Talk To Your Ex After The No Contact Rule (Live Coaching Session)
- The Correct Way To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend
And then there is the real challenge. You have to be prepared to hold yourself back a little… okay a lot…. a whole lot!
Don’t over-do it. You need to casually get to know each other again. Let him get used to having you around in a non-romantic sort of way.
That means that you have to control yourself.
The Take-Away
Remember that it is perfectly normal for you to miss your ex, even if you did the deed. And now you know that there are three things that contribute to your missing him following the breakup. These things are known as “The Big Three.”
The Big Three consists of:
- Addiction
- Habits
- Science
You also know that you can overcome those things. And once you overcome one these influences on your mind and heart and body, know that you will be in a better place to make decisions about what you really want.
There is one thing that I know. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to get your ex back.
There are very valid reasons for feeling that way following a breakup. So figure out if your reasons for dumping your ex were legitimate and go from there.
If your ex boyfriend was a serial cheater or was abusive, then you should put your efforts into bettering yourself and moving on.
If you want him back for the right reasons, then have a plan.
Start off the process of getting him back by completing a successful No Contact. That’s the first hurdle. Do that and the rest will fall into place.
Once you have successfully completed No Contact and made those self-improvements, make sure you even want to get your ex back after re-evaluating your original reasons for breaking up with him. Then reach out to him and initiate a conversation. Keep in mind his fellings and don’t move to fast or be too pushy.
So, now that you know it all and you have access to plenty of other articles to reference, I want to give you access to one more thing… OUR TEAM.
I want you to tell me ALL about your breakup in the comments below. I want to know why you broke up in the first place, how long you were together, and what you have done so far.
Once you do that, our experts will tell you what your next best action is.
(Note: This post was completely re-written by the website owner and Relationship Coach expert, Chris Seiter on June 17, 2018. Sarah Drees contributed some of the original content.)
Mandy
October 17, 2023 at 9:58 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn’t trust him I thought all what he his saying is a lie but I actually find out that he’s saying the truth I felt bad for breaking up with him for that reason and hoping we get back together
Barbie
September 14, 2023 at 2:41 pm
We were together for one year and I broke up with him because I don’t trust him anymore, and he is very insecure. I miss him
paige
May 24, 2023 at 6:09 pm
I dated a guy for 2.5 years. We had the most perfect relationship. He was so good to me, I loved his family, and we had a very healthy relationship. It was only until there were little things that would upset me in the relationship and I would get annoyed very easily. I was only 20 and he was 21 when I ended things. He was my very first boyfriend. I thought about breaking up for a couple months prior because I wanted to meet new people and see what else is out there before settling with him. I majorly regret it and I have no interest in other men. I still feel lost months after. I miss him so much and debating texting him to talk or give it more time.
Nawaal
June 21, 2022 at 2:35 pm
We started of fresh, just like a fairy tale. We were so happy despite of the long distance. At first everything was okay and I remember I surprised visited him once for the funeral of his brother. He was glad we met, it was like the second time we were meeting. After I left, things started to change, communication started being as a nuisance for him, he would just reply with an “ok”, just hi me, whenever I would ask if his okay he would just say fine. I noticed something was off, he wasn’t the person I knew, but I just thought it was my crazy intuition or whatnot until he just cursed me out one day and went quiet just like that. We stayed four days without talking and he didn’t even check on me. So I broke the silence and just told him my mind but to my reaction he just like “your checking me now”? Like huh..i was so blinded that I just apologised for something I didn’t do just to keep him around. we kept on communicating, but it was just casual and I wondered we were dating, I just kept my cool. After a month he came to where I was, surprisingly because he didn’t tell me that he was coming too. But I was happy since I got to see him. I asked him what was wrong, what made him do those things to me, he apologised and said that he had a lot in his shoulder, work, site building and a lot more. He told me that I should bear with him for a while since he was going through a lot. We agreed there will be no secrets between us again. The day was spent okay, we even talked a lot that day, sent each other pictures and all..he left the next day and reached at his home place things changed again. After that day and the other and the other we never talked on the phone. Not the ones I remember. A whole month I have not been talking to my partner and he was okay with it, less communication, less opening ups and I first wrote him a message to ask what was going on just for him to say he didn’t get it. So I just had to say my mind…again..but this time was different. It was like I didn’t care because I know he will just be there telling me he will change and do nothing about it. Well it was true and that was when I took the initiative of breaking up with him. He hasn’t responded or anything and I know he got the message. Well we have been dating for six months now, after all he has done to me I still love him. I really hope I get over him
LJib12
April 3, 2022 at 10:49 pm
We didn’t quite make three years. I noticed the changes; he stops talking about everything. Never mentioned anything about his work, stopped discussingHow his son was having a hard time adjusting to adulthood, stop letting me know when he was gonna be out of town. I had a deep suspicion that he and his wife were working things out. The night I discovered that I was no longer considered something “special”, I started treating him the same. I also started, unfortunately, gaining weight. There’s a saying, “I may be fat but you’re ugly and I can lose weight”. That’s what I should’ve said when he compared me to his wife, and that’s when I realized she and I had basically traded places. It’s when he said “…I thought it was the weight you’ve gained but the same thing happened when I was with my wife, so I know it’s not that”, that he had just sealed his fate. Too bad too, because the weight is coming off. I’m glad I came across this article; now I know why I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s pretty much been a year since the last time I saw him and six months since the last time we shared our last text messages. I’m still dealing with the mixed emotions of wanting him to rot in hell, and wishing he would contact me.
Nicole
March 22, 2022 at 8:11 pm
Hello my name is Nicole and I’m 21 ,I broke up with my ex cause I refused to have sex with him…he ended up telling me that I’m not giving any effort in his sex desires so hes going to get it somewhere else.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 23, 2022 at 7:59 pm
Nicole, move on he sounds like a jerk!! No means no, and if he ends things in attempts to guilt you into sex then is is NOT the one for you!
Anna
March 6, 2022 at 8:30 pm
I broke up with him 7 weeks ago. We were together for more than a year. I had a gut feeling he was cheating, but didn’t have a proof. Finally I got it and broke up over txt and blocked him everywhere. I am in no contact since then. I went through all kind of emotions, victory, triumph, anxiety (even some mild panic attacks), sadness, happiness, disappointment, anger, emptiness….lately I miss him like crazy. I am aware not it’s a science and chemistry thing. But what bothers me most and seems impossible to get over is one, repeated question – did he ever love me?? Because when you realize you were cheated and lied all the time, you get a nightmare in your head. Nothing seems real anymore and I am finding extremly hard to cope with that.
HappyWoman
February 17, 2022 at 4:07 am
It is very natural to miss someone… even if they were the worst jerk on the planet, you would still miss them. just give it a time and the feeling will subside!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 17, 2022 at 1:33 pm
Hey HW yes it is completely normal to MISS them, however the difference is knowing even though you miss them they are not worth your time or a second chance until they work on themselves (without being told to do so)
Stephanny
October 4, 2021 at 6:20 pm
I broke up with him cause I felt we lost the spark, maybe I should try to get the relationship fix. But I thought I couldn’t ask someone to love me more, he was there but I felt he didn’t want to be there. There are also some other reasons. he still wants to party hard and he is going to throw a party cause he is now vaccinated. Another reason, it is because he was always complaining and I couldn’t find a way to deal with it more start ignoring that part of him. I did not want to ignore him. He, one time, described himself as brutally honest and I sometimes recognized that on him. Maybe we needed more time.
Annie
September 8, 2021 at 8:12 am
Hi I got introduced to my daughter’s boyfriends friend who I went out with last Christmas on a blind date.. we got on well sent a few text messages then I felt he never carried on the conversation so I decided to leave it about February time and we didn’t talk no more .. my daughter in May this year text him pretending to be me .. asked how he was he replied straight away so I agreed to meet up with him again … he’s 56 and I’m 49 … we started seeing each other a lot had amazing sex loads of times .. texted each other every day, night but .. he didn’t want to take me out it was just going to his had a few meals at my daughters with him a few party’s but he always wanted to go by 9pm lol … me my daughter and her bf would go out but I never asked him to join us as I felt he would just say no … it feels really awkward 2 is company 3 is a crowd … the messages started sizzling out he would just text when he felt like it in the end .. in the school holidays he cleared off with his bikers mates went camping for 4 days he said he needed time to think and chill he seems so secretive he never says where he’s going just goes … so I obviously had enough told him to clear off he don’t seem to want to fight for me or nothing but I really do miss him and I think he does me it’s just he’s so selfish he’s already said he is … I’ve not spoken to him for 3 days now he’s not messaged me no nothing
Brielyn
September 4, 2021 at 11:28 pm
I broke up with him through texts last night. It felt like a long time coming and I’ve asked for space and time for myself and never got that from previous attempts. But I said “We needed a break” and he threatens to kill himself, overdose on pills he has in front of him, goodbye he’s ending his life, and more of that. He called me 10 times and I couldn’t listen to him yelling at me or screaming I didn’t answer the phone. He’s done this in the past, a lot kf times, just only with little threats though and not an actual plan. I realize that I have a savior complex, people please, and have an incredibly difficult time saying no. So it’s easier for me to ignore him instead of refusing to see him. Except after I calmed down (an hour or two) I start texting him sorry for this and sorry for that and sorry I do this and that I get upset, blow up and breakdown to him and he just gets back to his phone and sees paragraph after paragraph of what I rant to him and I feel like he tries to help me but I feel like it’s not enough. Or I need more, or expect more, and that’s all he’s able to give. After a lot more textes from me and a 2-3 more hours, he says “I’ll be ok don’t worry about it”. I could barely sleep, I couldnt stop crying, and when I woke up today, I just remembered what happened last night and couldn’t stop crying again. I feel like I could have done so much more and didn’t realize what I had until I actually tried to give it up. He has a lot that he’s been through and he’s so stressed all the time and I know I just add to that unintentionally. He also has a temper and I get triggered bc of it, but it’s all deeper issues that we need to heal from. He’s the only one who checks on me everyday, even when he’s not having such a great day, and I feel like I took him for granted and feel terrible, guilty and just a horrible person. It’s been a bit over a year since we met, and I just really want the truth and for both of us to be happy, together or apart. I do miss him though, and I know he misses me too. I just want love and sometimes it would feel like just lust. We both need help. My heart hurts.
Lynn
July 15, 2021 at 5:36 am
Awhile back, in May, I broke it off with my boyfriend after six months together. I had been struggling with unhappiness because I did not feel like my future needs were being fulfilled. All my life I have just wanted someone to promise me the future. Because of this, I was difficult and unwilling to situate during that period of time. My ex did not believe in this, given at twenty years of age I was his first girlfriend and relationship. He had a difficult home life growing up and I felt special to be chosen by someone- who even after six months could only offer me “I want the same goal as you. I just don’t know if that is with you..” Perhaps I was unreasonable, stupid, uncertain.. I should have acknowledged that it was uncomfortable to talk about for him.
I suppose I wanted stability. However, I broke it off with him. We were fighting about me communicating with an ex I had been with for two years in the past long distance and I was all around being a shitty person. I never cheated on him, but he made the point of saying, “it is like emotionally cheating on me.” Thinking back on it, I think I needed a validation I was not receiving at the given time. I have a self destructing personality at times and I deal with troves of anxiety and uncertainty.
During this period of not talking, I ended up falling into my habit of meeting someone new and dating them. I tried my hand at loving someone else, and it ended horribly and abruptly very recently. The boy has been clawing back at me, and yet I was the one to reach out to my ex after about a month and a half of no contact. I am scared. It is hard to believe that someone who answers the call and talks as though he is half bored on the phone actually misses me. I can spill my guts out to him and all I receive is a “I don’t know why you wanted to involve me in this. You gotta move on. I don’t know how to react to all this.” I did my best to be straight-forward and open, I did not try to manipulate or act childish even if altogether this action is selfish.
I wish I knew what I needed to do to fix the hole in my heart. He did not really have any friends and the only other person is his sister who would hardly communicate to me even if I tried. I feel stuck, and while I know I’m not alone. I don’t want to to make a mistake, I just wanna feel better.
Shay
July 9, 2021 at 8:43 am
I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago. We had went on a break about 2 weeks ago, then I broke up with him. My feelings are all over the place, saying I did the right thing, then saying I did the wrong thing. It was mostly because of long distance. We have been dating for over 2 years, but I just can’t wait another 6 years of college to be together. It is possible, but I just don’t want to miss out on something in life because I am with him. He is my first boyfriend, and I still think I love him, but 6 years is literally a little less than a quarter of what I have lived in my life. So many years. I feel like we were truly meant for each other, if we were not across the world from each other. I also find it harder to say I love you or something similar. The last straw was the way he talked about the future. 6 years, and he was already planning on getting a mansion in the future (he has grandios delusions) He is so kind, and even as I broke up with him I kept saying how he was kind, and thoughtful, and I truly wish I could stay with him. But after I broke up with him, I can’t eat, or sleep very well. I am going into a deep depression because I talked with him everyday for the last 2 years. I am just thinking, if I do the no contact thing, I don’t want to lose him. He agreed to friends, and if I no contact him I may also lose that. He is my best friend, and one of my only friends, without him I don’t know what to do. But the words “Six Years” keep popping up in my head. We don’t fight often, well except yesterday when he said I could not mourn for our relationship since I broke up with him, but he apologized for it. That is actually why I got to this page. Because I am crying more than him, and feeling probably worse than him, or at least what he shows me. Honestly, that may be a deal for me, of he cries in front of me for leaving him I might get back with him. I want to know I am wanted, but he just goes on with his normal days even after the break up while I can’t even get out of bed. He said he did talk about me the whole time when he hung out with friends, but I just don’t know what to do.
Precious
May 17, 2021 at 6:06 am
we dated in 2018 but we just left things without a word then late 2020 we decided to try things again. We bought each other gifts but On our 3rd month of being together we started fighting about money, well i asked him if hes the type that prefers to be asked about money or he offers and the reason i was asking was to understand him better because this one time when one of his friend’s girlfriend asked for money to both her man n him for drinks, her man gave her and he never gave me, he became so defensive and i was like no im not fighting i just wanted to understand him then from thereon he was forever complaining about being broke it felt like he was blocking me from asking and i have never asked him for money because i have my own but it hurt me and because of the previous argument caused by money i didnt want to confront him. The other thing is everytime we have a fight, like compromising or if id say something he doesnt approve off or thatll offend him, he just stop talking to me, he becomes so cold now i have told him that when he does that, he hurts me but he keeps on doing it and he says i should know that i also hurt him by saying he cant compromise and hes not confrontational like me and i must stop trying to change him. He becomes selfish, everytime when we dont see eye yo eye he stops talking to me and i always have to be the one to reach out to him, i have told him that it makes me feel like im the only one fighting or wanting this relationship because if i dont reach out after an argument he remains cold and quite.So the reason i broke up with him 3 days ago is because he came to visit me, never offered anything, instead used and finished my stuff without replacing, we went to a show paid by me, he didn’t wanted to sit at the back and when i suggested middle row he didn’t want to, i felt embarrassed by his stunt in front if people and ended up sitting there with him and he wasn’t talking to me. On our way home told him that i didn’t like his behaviour about sits he then said i could’ve sat where i wanted he didnt force me to sit next to him, i felt so hurt and told him how do people go to one show and sit separately it doesnt make sense and he doesnt know how to compromise, he stopped talking to me, we passed by his sister and he pretended like all is well and when we drove back home he went back to not talking to me. I confronted him the following day and started crying for the first time he didnt even comfort me. We didnt talk for 2days and he decided to live, again it was me asking if he feels right by living things whilst we not okay and how can he just decide to book a flight and go back to his place just like that, he said i made him feel like he was overcrowding and not welcomed, i asked him to change the flight he said he doesnt have money to do so, i took him to the airport. But 3 days later, i reflected and saw that in as much as i had my wrongs in our arguments but i was tired of always reaching out and it meant that ill always be the one reaching out to a man who does nothing for me. So after 6 months of the relationship, i broke it off via text, he hasnt said anything, my heart is hurting, i still love him but i know its probably for the best
Claire
May 8, 2021 at 1:48 pm
Hi
My partner and I broke up because we each had past resentments from how our relationship went bad before and I felt he would not let these go, nor would he do the work to try again properly.
Now he has blocked my phone and says he is moving out of the area and that is all my fault.
I love him dearly even though in the past he admits he did not treat me very well.
Charlie
March 21, 2021 at 8:25 am
We dated for 10 months. I broke it off last week because I felt there was incompatibility and lack of compromise on his part. Our energy levels are different – he was always on the go and intense, an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert and value quality time with him and time to chill. I felt like I was always compromising my wants and needs to fit in with his busy life. (Note: He’s an only child). It felt like life was his rollercoaster which he was steering and I was always a passenger/guest on it, sacrificing my wants/needs. He very seldom compromised and met me at my level or did the things I wanted to do. I ended up being exhausted more often and not. I felt unheard, unseen, disrespected, and my needs were not met. This led to a power struggle. He sees himself as number 1 and everyone else is a satellite to him in his solar system. I am looking for a teammate who values compromise and working together to a shared goal and life. Im struggling with whether this is something we can navigate. Or do I cut my losses and maintain the breakup
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 24, 2021 at 8:24 pm
Hey Charlie, I cannot tell you what to do I’m afraid I can only advise you when you make your decision on which route you wish to take.
Zisanda
December 21, 2020 at 3:19 pm
He cheated on me when I was pregnant, then we suddenly moved on from that while I was pregnant. So I didn’t trust that he was no longer cheating until I gave birth. Then when I gave birth to my son, I thought he’s still cheating on me. I don’t trust him anymore. He is always with friends and drink the whole night. & that I’m still hurt from his cheating.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2020 at 5:28 pm
Hi Zisanda, I suggest you either end the relationship as you do not trust him, or explain your feelings about him having such a busy social life and how it is making you worry. The best thing you can do is think of yourself and your son, what is going to make you happy. If you did not deal with the cheating correctly that you may carry that around with you until you face the issue head on.
Aimee
December 9, 2020 at 11:42 pm
I broke up with my bf last night. I was upset that he works a lot and doesn’t do anything special for me. I feel very embarrassed when I talk about it with my friends. I’m the one usually visiting him at his place and have to beg him to visit me. I admit I have been attacking him about it in my frustration. And there are other issues that I’m going through. I feel like I spent a lot of time on him and didn’t make an effort to make other friends, now I’m all alone. He wasn’t interested in any stuff I wanted to go out to do together with him.. And me being the co-dependent individual as I am I feel like I gradually lost touch with who I am, what I enjoy and what I want in life for his preferences. He proposed to me early last year and when he did for some reason I fell into a depression. I guess it’s because I felt I wasn’t at the point of my life I wanted to be and that was a wake up call.. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t all bad. He was usually there to listen to me, funny, help me out with a task or errand if he was available and what attracted me to him in the beginning was his hardworking spirit, his determination and confidence in following through his plans, and his intelligence. But now he seems very boring and the dullness of the relationship bothers me up to making me feel inferior to others.. In the space of a three year relationship he hasn’t taken me out up to 5 times. He works weekend nights these days and so isn’t available much.
I’m just upset that it seems I’m the one going after him so much, visiting him weekday nights, etc and he doesn’t try to visit me or ask me out much.. To add to that his parents didn’t support us getting married and the whole marriage plans came to a halt and had to be stalled indefinitely and I don’t have any friends or family I can be honest with about the real reason behind it.
I’m just fed up and sad and in my melt down of dissatisfaction with life and the relationship, my friendlessness and my over dependence on him I told him I want to end things. He just said it’s up to me which made me feel even worse, like I don’t matter to him.. I kind of feel I was being impulsive and maybe unable to properly think things through because of my really troubling mental state but I’m pained and he didn’t want to acknowledge that. I feel breaking up is good because it will help me find myself and figure out who I am, what is truly important to me and what I want in life and maybe make it easier for me to make friends and get better mentally. It’s not like the relationship was getting anywhere anyway. I was just so angry with him, I still am.
Mabel
December 7, 2020 at 6:03 am
We broke up because he gave me an ultimatum of losing weight or we will have to break up. I was confused because he has known me since I was 15 and I haven’t changed much physically since the beginning of our relationship, besides gaining the normal relationship weight. He was my best friend before that for like 4/5 years and we dated for a year and nine months. When talked it out he told me he was embarrassed of introducing me to his friends because of my weight and didn’t want them saying jokes or rude remarks about me or my weight. I know he had good intentions behind it but his wording was all wrong for it, he wanted to motivate to get healthy. He said he didn’t want to break up with me because he still loves me and cares for me immensely but he couldn’t look past that. He cares too much of what other people think of him and lets it get to him, at that point it was out of my control and couldn’t do much to help him build confidence if he couldn’t look past it. We mutually decided to break up. I decided that option because I needed to give myself that respect to not let a man control me. He chose it because he said he was done being selfish with me and keeping me in the relationship when he knew I deserved better. We left off as friends but deep down I still have hope that maybe in the future once we grow and evolve to better versions of ourselves we can maybe try again.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 14, 2020 at 9:23 pm
Mabel, move on this guy is immature. Move on you deserve better than this treatment!
Paula
December 6, 2020 at 6:44 pm
Two yrs ago I brutally ended, a 9yr relationship, in that he had a personal family tragedy, new job, some family moved out of state…btw, last 2 we lived together. We’re mature, in mid life and I was an accomplished female who up and decided I wanted my space back, and could perhaps do better. The kicker, honest honest, he loved me like platinum, not just gold…we never even had a quarrel, both of us easy going. We bought a pup together, and he has her weekends now! He was upbeat, he cooked often, we biked, sooo I am so realizing I had a good thing, I do sincerely miss and want him in my life other than polite weekend minutes!