By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 9th, 2021

There is a quote that girl’s post on Instagram all the time. I’m not sure what book or movie it came from but it’s something along the lines of:

We accept the love that we think we deserve.

My guess is that these girls post the quote to make themselves feels better about dating jerks.

We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

The truth is women have been going for the jerk or the bad boy since the beginning of time. In fact, as children we are taught that if a boy knocks us over or pulls our pigtails it just means that he likes us.

As we get older we acknowledge that throwing sand and pulling hair doesn’t always equal love. We start watching those sappy love movies and resolve to wait for the day when prince charming comes to sweep us off our feet.

We wait… and wait… and wait…

Sometimes prince charming shows up but most times he doesn’t. But no one is perfect and we know that.

The beginnings of relationships are always so bright and shiny. You do things together, he surprises you, he smells good every time you see him, he even leaves the room whenever he has to fart!

… and physically… well, you know.

But comfort breeds complacency and soon he isn’t texting as often. Soon, he stops surprising you. Then you find out that when he said he was staying home for the night he actually went out drinking with his friends. Surprised, you ask him about it and are stunned into silence when he becomes angry and storms from the room.

A pattern begins to form and before you know it you are trapped in a cycle of unhappiness. But you don’t want to leave.

Your friends and family start to point out that things just don’t seem right.

Now, when you watch romantic comedies and start to feel like the “wrong couple” at the beginning of the movie instead of the “fate brought us together couple” at the end.

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Understanding Why You Still Love Him After He Hurt You


Why do you still love and miss him even though he hurt you so much?

I hear it all the time. Women come to the site saying,

“He hurt me so deeply and I still love him? Why do I still love someone who didn’t respect me? He treated me like a possession, like an option! He was a jerk, but I still miss him like crazy!”

There are a couple of different possibilities:

You believe that you deserve this type of love

After spending a significant amount of time in a situation it’s easy to begin to feel like you belong there. Even captured soldiers, prisoners, and hostages begin to develop a sense of affection for their captors if enough time passes.

It’s called Stockholm syndrome.

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As you go through the cycle of mistreatment your confidence and self-esteem is slowly chipped away until you feel like you aren’t worthy of positive affection or a fairy tale kind of love.

You think that you can change them

Most women have a habit of loving a work in progress. We find a rough-around-the-edges guy. We see their potential and we fall in love with what they could be.

The problem with this is that not every guy wants to change. In fact a majority of people in general hate change when it is regarding themselves.

Trying to change someone who does not have any interest in changing is only going to breed anger, disappointment, and resentment.

In addition to all of this, your man may begin to hide things from you in an attempt to keep you happy and prevent you from nagging him. This will lead to loss of trust which is needed in a relationship.

You are afraid to admit that you failed

When you invest a lot of time and effort to something it is difficult to admit when it fails. Whether it’s school, a new job, working out, or a relationship, failure is a tough pill to swallow.

However, spending a lot of time on something does not mean that it’s right. Just because you committed to something does not mean that it is what is best for you.

Failure is how we learn. Make a point to recognize whatever went wrong in the relationship and use that information to have better relationships in the future.

How Did I End Up In This Situation?

But the question still remains, why do we end up in these situations? I mean, we all ask ourselves “Why me?” when we find ourselves hurting.

It’s clear that true love exists and that it is possible to obtain it. So, how did this happen?

Why did you end up being treated badly or like a possession?

Why weren’t you respected?

Men will often treat women in a way that reflects how the woman treats herself. Look back to when you began talking to this man or when you began to notice that things were getting bad.

Did you carry yourself in a way that demanded respect or did you make yourself an option?

When he blew you off to do something else did you stay home and spend the night gnatting him (texting nonstop) or did you go out with other people to show him that you didn’t need him?

Were you always the one to initiate contact and ask to hang out or did you make him put in effort of his own?

Men like the chase. It not only makes the beginning of the relationship interesting for him, it sets you apart from other women.

Let’s look at some other things that women do that may be lowering your value. I asked my current boyfriend what types of things turn men off at the beginning of relationships and here’s what he came up with:

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  • Being too accessible; texting multiple times without a response
  • Coming off as too “easy”; sexualizing herself
  • Getting too drunk on the first date; taking advantage of him offering to pay
  • Acting jealous before you commit to each other
  • Being too self-involved; talks too much about herself
  • Being too quiet or spending the entire date on her phone

It’s important to note that every guy is different and that they all have different values. This list is pretty standard for most though.

What Can I Do?

Fear not; there are some things that you can do in general to make yourself more appealing to a new guy or even an ex.

Following a breakup it is difficult to feel as though you deserve respect and you have a hard time even respecting yourself. It’s tempting to just sulk in these feelings. However, that is not the way to get an ex back and it is incredibly unhealthy to let yourself stay in that mindset.

So as hard as it may seem, lets look at what you can do to turn things around:

How to earn and command respect from anyone even an ex who disrespected you in the past:

  1. First Impressions or Second First Impressions
  2. Character and Personality
  3. Self-Respect

Making First Impressions… Possibly Again

How people treat you and react to you greatly relies on their first impressions of you. Your ex has already made a first impression of who you were prior to the break up. However, you can still make a first impression with the “new you”.  

When you first begin the texting process (either with a new guy or with your ex) make them work for your time. If he texts you wait an hour or so before texting back, end conversations early and on a high note before he has the opportunity to end them himself. Make yourself seem as though you are an important person (because you are!) who’s time is too important to waste.

Continue to stay busy and to keep them guessing. Post pictures to your social media platforms that are entertaining but not explicit. For example, post a photo of a guy friend with his arm around you, don’t post a photo of you making out with a guy friend.

When it comes to the first date try to maintain a distance while still being warm. If you are trying to get your ex back, make sure that you only do the first date at the appropriate place in the ExBoyfriendRecovery Program, because jumping into the meetups without following the steps we’ve laid out could end in BIG FAILURE.

Here’s an example:

Ex: How have you been?

You: Pretty good actually!

Ex: Up to anything fun?

You: Ooooh… yes *smirk* Have you been to this restaurant before?

Give him just enough to make him wonder what this new you is all about, but don’t just spill all the details like you’ve been dying to tell him every single detail. (even if you have) 

Throughout the date try to give his hand or shoulder a playful touch but don’t be too forward.

The goal here is to come off as confident and independent. You definitely want to end the date on a high note. Do not, under any circumstances, bring up the past relationship and it’s issues.

Character And Personality

Another thing you should focus on is building character and defining your personality.

People respect those who deserve to be respected. Carry yourself with dignity and do your best to have confidence.

If you don’t have confidence that’s okay!

There have been scientific studies that show “faking it until you make it” is actually more effective than admitting that you have no confidence at all.

Intelligence And Kindness

Also, intelligence and kindness go along way. While it may seem that men go for the ditsy girl who gets attention by tossing her hair and talking down about people, this is not the case.True, that girl may get more attention for the night but she is not a “forever” girl. Dress in fitted (not skin tight), clean clothes even if you’re just running out to get some groceries.

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Maintain Your Composure

Don’t let your emotions get the best of you. This can be particularly difficult when dealing with an Ex. If the past relationship is brought up do your best to diffuse the conversation or change the subject. If you feel yourself becoming angry or upset either stop texting or remove yourself from the situation whichever applies.

Another solid personality trait to have in order to command respect is to compose yourself as a leader. This can be done through two means:

Communication Styles

Learn the ability to initiate conversations on a wide variety of topics.

If this sounds stressful or impossible then prepare ahead of time. Think of things that you either know a lot about or think your date knows a lot about. This communication category also includes the ability to listen effectively to your dates stories.

Try to avoid the use of words like “uhm” and “like”.

Finally, be comfortable in silences. Don’t feel as though you have to fill them or that they are awkward. Just let them be.

Body Language

Body language is something that we do not think about consciously most of the time. However, it makes up over half of the active communication in our day to day lives.

Some tips for improving body language:

  • Walk with an upright posture
  • Maintain solid eye contact throughout the conversation
  • Maintain an open body stance. Don’t cross your arms and if you are going to cross your legs, cross them toward him.
  • Pay attention to how you are feeling. If you are feeling defensive or negative in any way, your posture and body language will reflect it. Make an effort to seem relaxed even if you aren’t.
  • Smile! Yeah I know some of you have RBF. Just trying to at least seem like you are happy to be there. Sometimes if you can’t see it visibly, people just assume the worst. So, try and smile at least occasionally.
  • Make subtle physical contact and use your facial expressions to draw your date in and keep them guessing at what you’re thinking. This will keep them engaged in the conversation.

Use a Calm Steady Voice

Yes, I know your emotions are probably all over the place and a little raw right now, but if you can maintain a calmness about you, you will seem confident even if you aren’t.

In this situation, if I felt my voice rising or about to crack I would cough and excuse myself to go to the bathroom, or I take a drink or bite. This gives me time to gather my thoughts and regain composure. Not to mention, if you get up and go to the bathroom he get’s to watch you walk away and come back, so walk confidently, like you own the place.

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I wish I had time to write a book entitled, “How To Earn Respect From Anyone.” It would almost entirely be about self-respect… go figure.

Know Yourself

Respecting yourself begins with knowing yourself. This may seem obvious but it takes time, especially after a difficult breakup. Some people find it helpful to see a therapist in order to rediscover themselves. Others find that revisiting old hobbies or developing new ones help them to learn more about themselves and become more comfortable on their own. Other fun methods of learning who you are is to journal daily or “date yourself”. Go out to restaurants alone or do activities you’ve always wanted to do.

Forgive Yourself

Another part of having self-respect is forgiving yourself for your past.

Your relationship recently ended and there is likely blame that can be placed on both parties.

It is easy to beat yourself up over things that you could have done differently.

However, these mistakes were made in the past. You have to let go of these things so that you can move forward and grow.

Don’t Compare Yourself To Others

Finally, stop trying to keep up with everyone else and be happy with who you are now. Comparing yourself to others will only cause you to feel disappointed. The image that other people portray to the public is often not accurate anyways, as they are usually projecting the best image of themselves that they can to the world.

The Take Away

Following all of the advice above will help you when it comes to getting the respect of those around you, including your ex.

I will suggest that you watch this video below that Chris made on how to make your ex miss you while you are in No Contact and working on becoming Ungettable. If you don’t know what that is… you can read more about it here!



Yes, there’s a but…

After you get into a relationship again, whether it be with your ex or with a new guy, don’t fall back into the same cycle that caused you to lose your ex’s respect in the first place.

This can certainly be an issue with getting back with an ex, old problems tend to arise and old arguments come back up to the surface. So, if your ex STILL treats you badly or disrespects you in any way, you tell him that that is unacceptable. If he argues, ditch him. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. 

Stay true to yourself and respect will naturally come to you.

Alright, now that you are equipped to understand WHY it happened and HOW to remedy the situation moving forward, let’s talk about YOUR break up.

In the comments below let me know the details of your break up and what you have done since it happened. Then, I want to know what you intend to do moving forward. Using this information, our experts will help you decide whether you are on the right track or if there is a better direction you should take.

Let’s jump in!

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33 thoughts on “Why Do I Miss Him When He Hurt Me”

  1. Lexie

    November 18, 2022 at 4:32 am

    My ex started distancing himself and I kept asking him if everything was alright? 3 weeks into this dilemma he tells me he needs space. Turns out he started seeing his ex again who happens to work in the same building. I had suspicions but didn’t have any confirmation until someone told me they are seen going home together. I couldn’t control myself and basically told him I knew, he didn’t even acknowledge it, only said he was already thinking of reaching out to me to get my stuff from his place. During the months we were together he love bombed me, talked about moving in together, I met some of his family members, his youngest daughter. Talked about going away together. But there was always the doubt. If I didn’t text him he wouldn’t, love making was painful with no connection what so ever and he didn’t care if I didn’t feel good. But I wanted it. I wanted it because finally I had someone to be with. Look at me now, more single than ever and feeling like a piece of crap.

  2. Christine wathinji

    October 15, 2022 at 5:35 pm

    Hi,so I was on this relationship where my ex kept on making me feel unwanted and one day he told me to break up with me and we did .after a week we got back together but unfortunately he told me he doesn’t want anything to do with me again.i feel like I love him Soo much like i miss him Soo very much ,and I think he is not feeling the same towards me ,I think he hates me Soo much .so I called him and told him some shitty staff and the only thing he did was to switch his phone for me .I really miss him what should I do.

  3. Liza

    May 13, 2022 at 1:41 pm

    My ex and I broke up 4 months ago after 11 months of on and off relationship…. I have experienced disrespect from him, caught him on a dating site but end up him being upset to me… he lied few times and always saying because of me…. He insulted me and use my insecurities against me… but after all those things I still given him too many chances and forgive him… I was jealous and I was sorry …. I can’t help not to when he showed me photo of his ex gf kept on his bed side table and talking about his female workmate that choses to sit close to him. He accused me of being possessive when all I wanted from him was to make me priority sometimes because he always cancelled our date and lied about the reason…
    We lived 30 minutes away… I have to drive to him all the time , never once he picked or dropped me off …. I looked after him when he’s sick and never leave him when he lost his job and jobless for two months… he never take me on a date or give me presents… it’s not that I’m counting what I’ve given but is it too much to ask to be cherished too? Does he ever love me? We had beautiful times… our connection and attractions is undeniable, we can talk all night long without awkwardness and we are fun together… the reason I broke up with him was cancelling our date on top of choosing not to see me on Christmas and new year… am I too clingy? Am I asking too much ? Was breaking up with him was the right decision?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      July 18, 2022 at 7:29 pm

      Hi Liza, based on the information you have given me above 110% yes this was the right decision! Honestly my advice for you right now is spend some time working on yourself to get over this guy and the relationship – You deserve so much better than this!

  4. Angel

    March 17, 2022 at 3:43 am

    My ex and I broke up a couple of days ago following a rocky 3 months of on again off again. During the first 3 months of our relationship, I couldn’t ever imagine us ever getting into an argument as we seemed so perfect together. Then he sudden announced that he was going to meet up with his ex for lunch and that she had been texting him for some weeks (he had told me he has no contact with her). This caused me to get very insecure and really feel needy. Then started a rollercoaster of emotional arguments for the next 4 months which came to a halt at the start of this year when he announced he wanted to stop seeing me. It blindsighted me because I thought the relationship was comfortable enough for him; I learned his love language, kept myself available for him, treated him special, etc.
    We were able to talk it through and decided to stay together but every month he would love me, be unsure and then be sure enough to leave. I tried to accommodate all of his needs while I push mine aside. This cycle continued 3 times until I decided to accept that he wants to break up. He said he found my love exhausting and too heavy and that he doesn’t want to put in the effort to make this work.

    Now he wants to be friends. He wants to meet up in a couple of weeks for lunch and I agreed. He tries to keep in contact with me but I asked for some space and time to gather my stuff emotions.

    I know it won’t go anywhere unless he decides to put in effort to fixing our relationship but I really miss him and want him back. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 11, 2022 at 6:06 pm

      Hi Angel, you need to take into account why he things that the relationship is exhausting and too “heavy”, what does he mean by this? Is the relationship too much for him because you are in touch around the clock? Or is it that he wants more freedom? The fact he wanted to meet up for lunch as friends and keeps in touch I would be careful that he thinks you are going to fall into a friends with benefits situation.

  5. Alice

    November 20, 2021 at 8:17 am

    My ex and I were together for 10 years. I had to break it off, I had just had a baby and there was no way I could put a child in that toxic situation.
    He is a narcissist- and all my friends, family and even acquaintances tell me, he is no good and will never change.
    But my god, I still miss him everyday. But then found out he had a new girl after 4 months. It was like bringing it up all over again. I hate it.
    It made me demanding, possessive and needy – made me feel 10 years of my life meant nothing. Reading this is helping me. But anymore tips are greatly appreciated!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 25, 2021 at 9:51 pm

      Hi Alice, you did the right thing by your child! As for him meeting someone new, narcissists cannot be alone, they need that dependency. So it isn’t that it meant nothing it just means he needs to fill that void you left. Keep focusing on you and your child, he will not be able to change until he is ready to REALLY work on himself.

  6. Jamie

    September 28, 2021 at 9:05 am

    I just kicked my boyfriend out 3 days ago. I would be a fool to tell you that I don’t miss him but I feel like I don’t know him anymore. He changed in many ways I would never understand. He used to give me the world. But now… disrespect me like no other. He’d become distant. Physically push me away. Won’t let me speak when the conversation isn’t benefiting or about him. It made me weak. So I told him to leave. I have to put myself first. 1 whole year giving myself to someone. 1 whole year of molding myself into a perfect person for him. and now I feel lost and hate that I miss him. well mainly miss who I once knew.

  7. nts

    October 5, 2020 at 9:34 am

    We broke up 2 months ago well he broke jz ignored me slowly and then vanished.
    we were together for a year, he was the one who started it all, every time i told him this wouldnt work out because we have religious differences, he told me he would convert and make this work. He left to his country 3 months back and after a month he says he cant do anything it wont work and he was not even sorry. he treated me like an option and left me .After 2 months of suffering alone i sent him a message asking why is he ignoring me and then we spoke, well say forced him to, cz i wanted closre.He was very cold throughout or left halfway the conversation everytime i brought up anything from past.I finally asked him if he still likes me, he was hesitant at first and he told he is preparing for an exam so he is only focusing on that now..finlly when i asked for an answer he told yes he still likes but it wont work because of those differences.and he kept behaving like he doesnt care. Throughout that whole 1 year he was crazy about me, he would promise a 100 times he would make it work somehow, he cant lose me.And now this happens. I dont know what to do now,i dont know after hurting me so much is he still worth a try.Currently he is in some different mind state he only cares about his exam,,i tried and became very sweet with him in the conversation because if i express my hurt he would run away..Should i still work on it..or MOVE ON

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 22, 2020 at 8:40 pm

      Hey Nts, it is really your call if you want to try follow the program to get your ex back, or move on. But while you decide what to do the best thing is to stick with the rules of no contact and work on yourself in that time. There are many articles here to help you understand the program and show you how to be Ungettable so that your ex can see you in a whole new light if you choose to reach out and start connecting again after your NC is over.

  8. Linda Milligan

    July 28, 2020 at 10:40 pm

    i am hurt as I was kind and loving, clothed him fed him and found out because he was on SSI thought he would loose them . He dumped me after asking me to marry him because he didn’t want to give his social security up. He built up my belief in him for long enough to have the best from me. Apparently he is a renowed scrounger which I have found out since the break up. Turned nasty to get me out of his life so as to keep his SSI

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 12:50 pm

      Hi Linda, I’m sorry this happened to you! Focus on moving on from him he does not sound like a good person whatsoever!

      Part of moving forward, if you write a list of what you want for your future, what you think a relationship should look like, and what you look for in a partner, this will help you find what it is you are looking for and wouldn’t settle for less or have someone like him take advantage of you again!

  9. Ashlee

    April 23, 2020 at 5:12 pm


    I broke up with my bf few days after my birthday this year. We met through uni and we’re together for 5 years and lived for 4 years together. He was my best friend before we got to together, we broke up for week last September and got back together. Reason for breaking up is he would would like pictures of other girls on Instagram and when I confronted him he just laughed in my face and said this is normal. He had been putting my confidence down for some time but the last straw is that he has made no effort for my birthday but fact I learnt from my sister he’s been like following girls and liking there stuff since January of this year. He left me no choice but I left him. It’s heartbreaking as we have been together so long and hasn’t showed me any respect for long time he has since message me and agreed I did the right thing and that he’s going to get his head together and fight for me again. He hasn’t of yet.

  10. Lyrica

    April 5, 2020 at 4:46 pm

    I left my ex of 1 yr for the like 5th time now. He has cheated on me over and over again and constantly has contact with other females. He would always tell me that I’m crazy and insecure but to me, I just felt disrespected all the time. Of course I was insecure. He says all the right things everytime but it always ends up the same way. I know I deserve better but I miss him so much. I feel so stupid when I say that out loud.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 6, 2020 at 10:09 pm

      Hi Lyrica, you can not help who you love, but it does not meant that they deserve your love or gets to be in a relationship with you when he insists on treating you badly. I would suggest that you NC him indefinitely and move on

  11. Jill

    February 25, 2020 at 10:47 pm

    I’m the same I’m leaving my ex for the hundredth time after he promises not to talk and flirt with women online over and over again and keeps doing it. This time the girl sent me his messages and he had no idea so I just stopped talking to him and didn’t answer his calls but then a few days later he’s still messaging me and I finally responded and said go talk to that girl or don’t you have some bitches you need to be calling and now I’m angry and saying mean things and asking him why did he do this to me again? Ughh I’m so angry and now I’m missing him. I love him but he sucks and he cheats and drinks a lot and smokes weed and still lives with his parents so they can take care of his child but why do I think he’s so great ugh what’s wrong with me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 9:44 pm

      Hey Jill there is nothing wrong with you, you are human. We actually miss people who we spend time with even when they hurt us. Your issue is sticking to the break up when you know deep down how he treats you and disrespects you and the relationship you had. You need to decide if this is a person you want to be with if he continues to cheat and do these things

  12. Audrey

    November 17, 2019 at 7:21 pm

    I divorced my husband of 9 years and left my religion in 2017. Leaving my religion meant all my friends and family that I have had for 30years have stopped all communication with me. We do not speak or see each other. I am alone with the exception of a handful of work acquaintances. Staying in the religion was me continuing a lie because I had never believed what I lived all those years. I lived on my own (plus my daughter, we share custody) for 2 months before meeting another newly divorced man. We hit it off. He’s fun, wild, has 2 boys around my daughter’s age, we both have a small support group and understood the others pain, physically we are fireworks. We became exclusive after a couple months because I said I wasn’t into “not knowing” how he felt. He ended up moving into an apt next door. I soon learned that he’s an alcoholic and verbally abused me when he drank. We broke up and got back together many times in the next year. Then I left and said I wouldn’t tolerate his drinking. He quit. For 3 months he was sober and we hung out as friends until we realized it was time to move in together since we were always at each others places anyway. We weren’t ready though. We moved into a large house as a rental. He continues to be sober. 3 months later we faced either buying the house or the risk of losing the house. We bought it even tho we have only now lived together for a few months. Along the way every decision we made felt like a fight. He never sought treatment for why he drank so he started becoming a dry drunk. Angry, difficult to please. He was my biggest cheerleader one day and the next would tear me down with nasty names and insults, screaming at me for simple things like having a different view on how something at his work could have been handled (hes self employed). I never knew when he would be mad. He started acting indifferent towards me. We never did things together at night, always on opposite sides of the house. He stopped the cards and the flowers. Forgot valentine’s day, our anniversary, no card on my birthday even. We didnt go on vacations because every one we had been on had been extreme failures – him drinking and leaving me behind or throwing all my stuff out of our hotel room, security involved. So I start feeling empty. We have 3 kids, I work ft, I’m going to school pt, our house is enormous and I take care of it all alone. In the last year we each had court battles with the exes which was an enormous stressor. We tried counseling and it didnt go far. He started screaming at me more and more. Other times he will drop everything and save me from a tough day at work, gives the biggest hugs, generous and kind to others and loves the kids to pieces. 2 weeks ago I said we needed a break and he completely went nuts and screamed at me for hours on end and told me to get out and never return. I was scared of him for the first time ever. The next day I moved out. It means my possessions are all now in a storage locker. I’m staying at a friends house with my daughter while they are away for the winter. I cant really afford to live on my own and I have been turned down for 3 affordable rentals in the last 2 weeks bc I have a small dog. In the last week he helped me get my tires changed bc we had bad snow. He paid for them to be done and gave me a computer so I can complete school work. I sit here today in a house that isn’t mine wishing I was in my house again even after all that. I want to reach out to him but I know I should not. I have almost no one as my family abandoned me years ago. My friends tell me I deserve better but they don’t understand being alone and having one person to depend on. They’re sick of us back and forth. I battle depression and anxiety and making new friends is very tough for me. I feel like he was my rock and the person I could turn to for the last 2.5yrs even tho we had miserable fights. How do I move on when I feel so incredibly connected to a man that verbally abused me for 2 years?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 10:35 pm

      Hi Audrey I am sorry you went through this but yo move on from someone who has been abusive is hard but you have already shown strength from the fact you were willing to walk away from your marriage and religion. So you just need to find that inner strength again to focus on yourself and be happy in your life while single.

  13. Erin

    October 28, 2019 at 1:25 am

    My ex and I were together for 3.5 years. We had been living together for about 2.5 years. During this time I wasn’t the most mentally healthy and after our split I took time (it’s been 7 months) to work on my mental health. But he and I had our issues. 9 months before We broke up he cheated on me. I left him but he begged for me back and said he would do anything to make it right. And for 9 months he did and he was amazing. I was still traumatized from the experience and it made it hard on both of us. But right before he ended things, he agreed to getting married (after saying it never works) and wanted to buy a house with me. Mortgage and all. But then my “friend” came to me and told me she loved him and wanted to be with him and did a lot of things that made me seem crazy (cue my unstable emotions). He broke up with me because “I couldn’t trust him” “i was clingy” and I didn’t have the best financial situation (i was working part time to finish a college degree, barely making enough to make ends meet).
    Anyway they start dating and I lost it, for a month I was angry and wanted them to hurt the way I did. Eventually I sucked it up, moved on, and got therapy.
    Now 6 months pass, I have a new job, a new place, and I graduated college. They break up for whatever reason and he comes back into my life. I kept telling him I couldn’t have him as just a friend and he kept telling me how he wanted me in his life. We tried casual friends with benefits but it brought up emotions for me that I couldn’t go through again and I bring up that I can’t have him at 10%, it needed to be all or nothing. So he promises me all. I finally felt safe and what not but a few days later he tells me it can’t work between us and that we should never have contact again. So now I’m here, 7 months later, hurting as if it happened yesterday and I don’t know what to do. All I know is I want him in my life

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 7:13 pm

      Erin, it sounds more like he is happy with having it as friends with benefits and not a commitment, so you want this man you need to become Ungettable and show him what hes missing out on. Notice I say show not tell. Using sphere of influence and social media to post about how great your life is and your social life too. I would also start dating casually and post subtle hints that show you are out with another man

  14. Stephanie

    April 24, 2019 at 10:41 am

    Our relationship was on and off for nearly 4yrs. With disrespect rampant throughout. There were trust issues on my part toward him (I believe valid reasons but not cheating) communication was terrible, when I met him I always was one who said what I felt and thought and i do not think he knew how to handle that. In the beginning our friends and family were good with us but as our shit shows as I call it emerged it isolated us. It became neither sides of friends and family cared for us together. Which I beleive played a part in our breakdown and tension. The last straw was an ultimate disrespect mostly on my part. I just didn’t care anymore and allowed myself to lose control. We broke up and my ex has never wanted to get together to talk face to face or even to apologize for hurting me. I did apologize up and down, gnat him, was extremely emotional for weeks. It’s been over a month since we broke up and I am now just going into NC ( it’s been 3days) but prior to these past 3 days my ex unblocked me from his phone a couple weeks ago and the last week I’d say we were texting but he was cold, distant and really not interested. I had something happen to me and it resulted in me going to the police station (I am ok, was not to much a big deal but was upsetting) and I reached out to him and told him I just left police station and if he could talk. He replied with sorry didn’t hear my phone and that’s it. No call, no are you ok, nothing. I let it go until later that evening and I became emotional. I called him and he answers but wasn’t real nice, he was at some party and people in back ground yelling hang up, get off the phone etc. He hung up. I was drunk when I called and that’s why I did otherwise I wouldn’t have. I know wrong move. They I blew up his phone and gnatted again. Well to say the least I was embarrassed of my behavior and upset with myself the next day. He was mad, he texted leave him alone, go away and stop contacting him but then sent a pic of his new truck. (As a couple nights before, we actually talked on the phone) it wasn’t anything serious we talked about but was just talk. But what I feel I relieze swashbuckled he just didn’t care anymore. He never asked me if I was ok, he never asked what happened. So I decided I need to move on. I do love him and I am not even sure I want him back or how we can even get back together. And I think the only way I could get back with him is if he did some serious changing himself also. But my question is, will he ever see me in a different way? Will he ever respect me? What do I do now?

  15. Jonna

    October 20, 2018 at 8:20 am

    Hi I met my BF at a friends birthday party we got on well straight away after a couple weeks of texting and seeing each other we finally slept together yes I was virgin when this happened as I felt I was doing it with the right person little do I know ,a few weeks later randomly he told me “ that were friends” it wasn’t a decision that we both agreed on he didn’t say why at the time I had already asked him in the beginning what we were he replied by saying “I was his girl “( so I wasn’t going crazy thinking I was the only one in a relationship ) after him saying we’re friends i wasn’t too happy I tried to understand where all this was coming from I asked him why ? He said it was just better and he had already made his mind up but said that we can still talk. He became very distant took long to reply to messages , never called , this annoyed me a lot which led me to leaving loads of missed calls as I didn’t understand his behavior and was still kinda in shock and I felt like I was used just for sex maybe I should have just left him alone but i felt I wasnt given any closure so I continued texting and calling and this made him start ignoring me and blocking me and he also started talking to my friends everything was really starting to upset me , he finally agreed to talk to me face to face which was orgainsed by a mutual friend we spoke he didn’t say much I told him how I felt and he invalidated them by calling me “ms use”. because I mentioned how I felt used but that his willing to talk and give this a go again but it was really just so he could have sex we had both went to a part 2 days later and he behaved like he didn’t know me which annoyed the hell out of me I asked if I could speak with him outside he said fine we went outside and I asked what I’m I to u and he said we’re friends again at this moment I was done I felt so stupid for chasing him because I realized this guy didn’t care about me (all this happened In a space of 1 month after he told me he just wanted to be friends ) after that day I felt numb I didn’t know what to feel ,I met up with an ex who had been trying to contact me for a couple of months , he had asked me to come over , my ex tried sleeping with me and I allowed him to I think my ex knew this wasn’t something I 100% wanted to do so it didn’t last long at all after I left he told his friends and they told the guy I had just been Recently dating from mutual friends I found out that he was hurt by what I done which i didn’t understand. when we finally spoke he said that he’s happy he now knows that I sleep with other girls boyfriends I was aware my ex was still with his gf at the time that’s why I tried to not talk to him for so long even tho he was contacting me I was really disappointed with myself cos this wasn’t me my recent bf came to me and finally told me that he doesn’t want to be with me cos we’re never on the same page I could finally walk away and move one , we didn’t talk for 9 months nd he came bk

  16. Gem

    February 10, 2018 at 6:32 am

    Hi Amor

    Wow you are right – he took time to get to conclusion over years that he was disappointed and disillusioned:( and he does feel we are not compatible 🙁 but I do feel he never gave me a chance to get to know me again – he has so much limiting beliefs about me he just sees me through a filter and ‘assumes’ me to be a certain way.

    He is friends but I couldn’t really do nc properly with him ever. So now I don’t even know how to carry on – I guess he felt I ‘needed him’ to be happy when I don’t – I do have deep attachment and feelings for him – I don’t think he will ever realize how much I truly love him – but right now he is a self sacrificing person and he feels if I truly love him I’ll let him ‘go’ because when you love someone you respect their feelings and the idea you don’t ‘need them for your happiness’.

    I guess he needs to see me prove that to him – but me fighting for relationship wasn’t because I ‘needed him’ for my happiness but because I believed in loyalty and commitment and I wanted the opportunity to show him I can work to improve myself try couples therapy etc. But he never stuck around to try :(.

    So should I just continue to be friends and just improve myself for me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 15, 2018 at 12:48 pm

      if he never stuck to couples therapy then that means he knows what you feel, he just doesn’t want to do his part. Stop trying to push your “changes” to him because that just looks like you’re chasing.. You said it yourself that he has already limited his perception of you, acting like he should just give you a chance will be annoying for him. Let him be. Focus more in your life.. If he doesn’t want to get to know you, then that’s his loss.

  17. Gem

    February 7, 2018 at 6:20 am


    Chris mentioned in a podcast that when someone breaks up with you, you go through withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts. This is because you have a void now in your life – because you did stuff together friends, activities etc.

    And this is why the advice all of us here need to follow is just that – move on be happy on your own become ungettable etc.

    So why is it an ex who breaks up with you doesn’t actually go through the same withdrawal as you? Why is it that they are finding it easier to move on and do all the fun stuff they used to do with you? Whereas us when we are doing all the fun stuff we are missing them or remembering when they used to share in those experiences with us? And our ex’s seems so happy to get on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 6:21 pm

      Because theyr’e the one who decided to break up with you and that took time before they acted upon that thought of breaking up with you.. If a break up is just because of the high emotions from that moment, like a fight, most of the time the ex comes back but in other cases, breaking up with you was either an accumulation of disappointments that made them tired of the relationship or with you or some other realization from getting to know you that you’re not a compatible partner for him.

      If you’re the one who got broken up with, of course it would be harder to move on because you were caught off guard.

      But it doesn’t mean they don’t go through “Withdrawal”. Some do if the break up reason is not that heavy, that’s why they ask to be friends after a break up. So, they can slowly adjust not having you around.

  18. Anett

    January 29, 2018 at 5:40 pm

    So…Break up was a year ago…His Mom was jealous of me, as well as of his brother’s wife (he had to cut her off so they could marry) but mine was not so brave. I never even met his Mom (in five months though he talked about wedding and babies all along, though that might have been a trick). He had two friends. One has never had a girlfriend (they are 35 and maybe too close to each other) and he was jealous too…The other one was married and he liked me… But that’s all…I never contacted him since break up… I posted pictures of my vacation, smiling pics. And hiking pics and party pics… When we were dating, he never liked any of my posts, though he always knew about them. Two weeks after break up, he started liking them, for about two weeks then stopped. When we met through mutual friends (NOT planned) I managed to look gorgeous…It made him wish me Happy New Year on FB – I wished him the same. That was all…I heard he tried with other girls but I don’t know how far they got because he never changed his relationship status – not with his previous girlfriend or with me or since …I also think I was a rebound, though he had a one month relationship between his previous girlfriend of 6 months and me (he never had longer relationships than 6-7 months)…When he left, he thanked me for having been good to him and supporting him like no one else (he meant it) – I still don’t know what else I could have done!!!Look, he was immature, a psychiatry patient for depression and seeing non-existent things so he is not a prize… He also said he was narcissistic though I think that part was self-diagnosis. But I couldn’t get over him in a year so I think I love him…

  19. Annie

    January 28, 2018 at 4:59 pm

    My ex and I work together, long story short we were together for six months, he’s older and was my first boyfriend. Everyone at work knew he had a live in gf and I didn’t. Too many people got involved including HR in the end he told me that it was over, and about a week later tried to come back but I cut him off. That’s was over a year and a half ago. His life is wonderful and he even got the promotion he wanted. I’ve had some issues after a car accident but I’m getting better now. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve caught him checking me out and staring at me a lot. I love him still but what he did to me- it still hurts. Last week he was walking out of our kitchen (at work) and I was walking in, I stopped outside and looked at him and when he looked down I stared into his eyes. I guess I just can’t understand how the man that I love could of done such horrible things, he looked at me with a perplexed and angry expresión, he was trying to read me (I speak with my eyes- or so I’m told). My question is, does he think I’m crazy for still holding onto this pain, does he think I hate him? Should I even care? I don’t hate him, I’m just hurt- I’ve never looked for him EVER and I don’t think he knows that I know the whole truth. Please help. I feel like I’m the bad person for having given him that look. I’ve worked on myself and I feel good about my looks and my friends and even my health, I just need to understand if I’m wrong for still hurting over what he did.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 1:45 am

      Hi Annie,

      Whatever you’re feeling, that’s yours. Don’t mind what other people are thinking about it..

  20. LF

    January 26, 2018 at 3:43 pm

    I broke up with my ex 6 months ago, after 6 months of dating..
    After the break up we were fwb until this week.. we were seeing each other few times a week and sleeping together. We had constabt fighting how to move forward, he didn’t want to get back together. We met last time two days ago when I told him I’m done for good. So right now i’ve been in no contact for two days and this is absolutely killing me. Why I miss someone who was basically abusing me for sex.. trying to move on and trying to stay in nc.. :,(

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 30, 2018 at 3:54 pm

      Hi Lf,

      Because you’re used to’s like routine..