So it happens.  You finally do it after you analyzed your decision for days or weeks.

You thought about all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t for the best.

You told your friends that you were thinking of breaking up with him.  That you would be the the one he would do it first, finally pulling the chute on the relationship.

You prepared what you were going to say.

Finally, you did it. You broke it off with your boyfriend and you were not going to look back. You reasoned that he was not the guy for you and you deserved better.

Why Am I So Sad and Feel Terrible After Breaking Up With Him?

But you didn’t count on the flood of feelings you would be having and now you are wondering if you are one of those girls who broke up with their boyfriend but still loves him.  You find yourself wondering if he misses you, because you certainly are missing him.

You may feel like an idiot, not knowing why you aren’t more relieved to be away from your boyfriend.  This is not how you expected to feel.  Inside your are thinking, “I broke up with my ex boyfriend and I feel terrible and it hurts not to have him in my life”.

The whole thing is like a blur.  One moment you want to throw him out of your life and the next moment you are besieged with these feelings that you can’t live without him, fussing over how much he is missing you because you sure as heck miss him.

The deed is done and you are not even sure what you should feel much of the time.

Should you feel guilty, or relieved, or sad?  Is it wrong that you still want him after ending it and why do you feel so sad after ditching him?

Does the above sound familiar to you?

So, if YOU broke up with HIM and you now find yourself missing him and wanting him back, this article is going to be dedicated to you.  We are going to talk about 5 main things that you need to know to understand your plight and progress forward.

  • Why Do You Miss Him and Still Love Him After Breaking It Off With Him?
  • How To Know If He Misses You Enough To Come Back To You
  • How To Deal With the Regret of Ending the Relationship Prematurely
  • Why You Broke Up With Him In The First Place
  • What Can You Do To Repair The Damage Done

But if you are really thirsty for an abbreviated answer to why you feel the way you do after dumping your ex boyfriend, then consider this:

Your confusing set of feelings and emotions since your broke up with your ex is influenced not just by your complicated past history with him, but also how the biology of how your mind and body reacts to this event.

But for you to fully understand what is happening to you since you told him it was over, you need to read the rest of this article because we are dealing with the dynamics of relationship science!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Why Do I Miss Him Because It Felt So Right to Break It Off?

Let’s start off with the obvious one here. What is the whole reason you’ve found yourself here reading this article?

You miss him, right?

You precipitated a breakup but now you realize you still love him, right?

You broke it off with your ex boyfriend and now it hurts badly and you have no clue where to put all this pain.

All this has to mean you were meant for each other, right?

Awwwww.

But You Broke Up With Him and your were quite sure it was the right thing to do at the time.

And now you regret it.  So what gives?

Awwww!!

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

We’ll talk about the regret later.

For now, we’re going to talk about the missing part, specifically you missing him and why in the heck these feelings you were not anticipating seem to control you like a puppet.

After a breakup, it is only natural for you to miss your ex boyfriend.

Yes, even if you were the one to break up with him.

Let’s talk about the reasons that you may miss him, even after you initiated the split up.

If you’ve seen the show “This Is Us” you know that the kids are nicknamed The Big Three.

How is this relevant?

Well, it’s not really relevant at all, but I am going to give you “The Big Three” when it comes to missing your ex.

I’ve been researching and writing a lot about missing your ex lately and I’ve come to believe that there are three things that can really influence why we feel the way we do after leaving our ex.

The Big Three Influencers are:

  1. The Science of Relationships and Breakups
  2. The Habits and Routines of Your Time With Your Ex Boyfriend
  3. The Addiction That Exist Between You and Your Ex Boyfriend

There is an interesting thing  about the Big Three. They all are intertwined. They all go hand and hand together and affect each other. Like one big happy family, like the gang from “This Is Us.”

Hey, I guess that did have a point after all!

Whenever you think, “Does He Miss Me.  Does He Still Love Me. Why Do I feel so terrible.  Why does it hurt so much”, I want you to think about The Big Three.

In order to do that, you need a brief overview of these influences on our mind and body.

1. The Science of  Relationship Breakups

Science tells us that it takes on average about 66 days to break a habit.

Remember, your addiction to your ex or your relationship routines was initially formed from habits.  You and your ex boyfriend would do certain things together on or around the same time.  These activities would form a sense of structure that would carry you through the day.  There is usually a certain sense of security and constancy associated with having a routine.

Take that away, then suddenly you are not quite sure what to do or feel. It is like something is missing from your life.  And that would be true. Something you use to do or count with your ex, without even thinking about it, is suddenly gone and that can make you feel vulnerable.

It’s not like your ex boyfriend was awful to you in every respect.  There are undoubtedly many things he did for you or said to you or did with you that you appreciated and valued and sometimes you don’t see those things clearly until they are carved out of your life.

Breaking up with him can quickly carve out those things from your life that you you use to routinely enjoy and appreciate.  But often you won’t realize all of this until they are literally absent from your daily routines.

Therefore, it will take you at least 66 days to break habits such as:

  • Thinking about him
  • Wanting to know about him
  • Talking to him and really being heard
  • Enjoying be held and supported by your ex boyfriend
  • Exploring new challenges with him
  • Feeling emotionally and physically secure by being in his presence.

So, this also means that it is perfectly normal for you to miss your ex and for your ex to miss you for at least 66 days.  It could take more time or less time, remember the 66 days is an average based on a study that was performed.  But you get the idea.

Now wait a minute, you just heard me say that he misses you too.
But he probably hasn’t told you that yet or you’ve been dying to know if he does.

One part of your brain is telling you that he certainly couldn’t miss being around you because after all you dumped him.  You are the one that broke it off.  Indeed, you may have unceremoniously ended thing in the worst way possible.  So if these things are true, why would he care a lick about you?

Wouldn’t it be more likely that your ex boyfriend is trying to erase you from his memories and has put your far away from his mind?  Well, some of that could be true too.  But trust me, he will come to miss you as those some emotions that are pulling on your heart will influence him too.

So, let’s talk about why he misses you.

And I promise you, he will miss you.

2. Your Habits and Routines are Stepping Stones for Relationship Addiction

Habits are formed by repeating the same activity over and over again.  And if you and your boyfriend were together for a good amount of time then you both will have spent some quality time doing things that get embedded in your mind.  Some of these activities may be very memorable and by sharing them together, you are in a way wedded and connected by the experience.

So not only are we talking about stuff you and your ex boyfriend use to do a lot, but we are also talking about the magnitude of the experience these thing had in your lives.  Some habits are more impactful than others and leaves a mark.

Addictions are formed from habits. Basically, that is when you do something so much that you find it very difficult to stop.  There can be good and bad addictions.  Right now, we are talking about the good addictions.  Hugging, cuddling, or making love can fire off rewarding chemicals which will make you feel so good, it will cause you form a  habit or routine of repeating that experience.

But your habits with your ex boyfriend were not all about intimacy and sex. There are many things you did together than brought you joy.  Or maybe not even joy, but was done because it needed to be done.  The first time you do these kinds of things, it is just an action but after you do it, again and again, it becomes a habit that you both participated in and a connection or bond forms through these activities.

And once you do it several times repeatedly, it can form into a type of addiction.

So what is the importance of this?

Well, we do not know how habits and addictions are linked, so let’s focus in on the third thing, the science of relationship addiction.

3. A Relationship Addiction You and Your Ex Boyfriend Share

Relationships and love function in a person’s brain like an addiction.

Seriously.

Love, it is literally a drug. Certain hormones and chemicals are released from your brain, influencing your behavior.  When you do these things with your boyfriend that bring you pleasure, you get accustomed to getting getting your relationship fix.

Take your boyfriend out of the picture, suddenly your mind and body rebels. If he is not around, at first you will be relieved because you have been carrying this weight of what to do, but later the deficit of feel good chemicals that are released because your boyfriend is not there to trigger them will catch up with you.  Such is the magnetic draw between men and women.

People who study this have done some pretty cool experiments and have found that feelings of romantic love activate the same “reward system” areas of the brain that are activated when an addict is getting their fix.

Crazy isn’t it!  But it is true and this explains why your mind and body is still wired in all kinds of ways to your ex boyfriend. It’s like you break it off with him because you think it is the best thing for you, but no matter what you do, you can’t seem to get away from him as your body’s chemistry yearns for him and you begin to second guess yourself and wonder if you acted impulsively to end things.

Of course it is even more complicated than that.

He Misses You As Much As You Miss Him Because of the Mirroring Effect

You miss him so much and you can’t help but wonder if he misses you too.

You may be waiting for the words “I Miss You” to pop up on the screen of your phone.  You may find yourself checking your phone repeatedly waiting for this. In fact, you probably do this already waiting for it to happen.

You don’t know where his head’s at in all of this. Is he pissed that you broke up with him? Will he ever forgive you?  Did you make the biggest mistake of your life when you called it quits with him?

These are some terrifying thoughts, I’m sure.

Let me tell you, one thing that is almost certain is that he misses you.

He may not say it, but I’ll assure you he does. He actually probably misses you MORE since you were the dumper and he is the dumpee.

And science tells us after a breakup, the brain goes through a similar reaction as a drug withdrawal. After a breakup, similar to an addict, you are going to miss and crave what you were formerly addicted to. Your love was literally his drug.

Since you are both so connected in ways you cannot even explain, there is usually what is called the “mirroring effect”.

So think of a mirror.  Look into it.  If you see a person who is beside herself with remorse and sadness because her boyfriend is gone from her life, then know that on the other side of the mirror is your boyfriend who is seeing and feeling the same things for himself.

So, believe me when I tell you that your ex will miss you too.

How To Deal With Regret of Ending the Romance With Your Ex

Okay, so if you broke up with your ex and now you are wanting him back, it is safe to say that you regret your decision.

So, let’s talk about it.

You may be thinking that if the breakup was meant to happen, you wouldn’t be missing him as much as you do. As a result, little doubts start creeping into your mind as you question whether you acted wrongly.  As time goes by, these little doubts can grow into big doubts to the point where you convince yourself you screwed up and feel compelled to hastily do something to get him back.

Or, you may be thinking that your life was easier with him than it is without him.  Maybe it was one of those close calls where it seemed like the right thing to do to leave him, but now with him gone and you have had time to settle your emotions, you realize he was more important to you than you realized and that it’s worth trying to work through the problems together.

Whatever your reason is for missing him, if you find yourself regretting your decision of breaking up with your ex, you should ask yourself if you regret breaking up with him just because you miss him OR if the reason you broke up with him is no longer a good enough reason.

Missing someone is not a good enough reason by itself to get back together.

These feelings of feeling empty will fade over time. Remember, those Big Three are currently working against you and making you miss your ex like crazy, right now.

However, once you allow some time for recovery to help break those habits and the addiction, then the science will start to work in your favor again.  The chemicals will normalize.  Those things which your are  missing will be replaced with new pleasurable routines and habits.

Now, if missing your ex boyfriend isn’t a good enough reason to get back together, then let’s talk about the reason you broke up with him and if that is something that you can now work through.

Why You Broke Up With Him In The First Place

Now, we’ve talked about all the feelings that you are going through right now.  I know.  It is no picnic. You did something to end the troubles you were having. For whatever reason, you believed the connection with your boyfriend was no longer a healthy one and you weren’t happy, so you acted to end it.

So trust in that.  Don’t throw that away unless you have some convincing reasons to show you acted out of ignorance or were impulsive.

But let’s say  you are plagued by doubts.  You are uncertain if you broke up with him for the wrong reason. These feelings come after the breakup and they can be bitch to wrestle with.

Before I get into what you should do, let’s rewind to before the breakup.  As I said,  you did break up with him for a reason and it was likely a good reason.

And, since your brain is basically… well… hormone souped up right now, you should know that there are some really good reasons for breaking up with someone.

And, missing him and feeling sad and hurt about the whole thing is not a good enough reason to get back together.

 Common Reasons To Break Up a Relationship

  • Overwhelmed By Disagreements
  • One Major Fight
  • A slow but clear realization you are not compatible in the most important areas
  • You Lost The “Spark”
  • You Thought You’d Find Someone Better
  • He Just Wasn’t Treating You Right
  • You Cheated on Your Ex

The reasons above are some of the most common reasons I see girls give for breaking up with their boyfriend.

If your reasons for ending it with your boyfriend falls into one of the reasons above, then it is likely that you may miss him or feel a little bit of regret over your decision.

You may now be thinking that he was the one for you and you took your love for granted, or you may be realizing that you both contributed to the “spark” being lost, not just him. If you cheated on him, then you may feel really awful about your decision and are left wondering what you can do to get him back.  The tug of guilt can really mess with your mind.

Don’t worry, if you left  him for one of the reasons above, these reasons are SUPER common and the EBR team has your back.

Keep on reading as I’m going to lay out a plan that you can start TODAY in an effort to win your ex back.

But first, I mentioned that there were some reasons that were good reasons to break up with your ex boyfriend and not look back

You Probably Shouldn’t Look Back If Your Ex Boyfriend…

  • He Cheated Frequently
  • He Was or Became Abusive
  • There Have Been Multiple Breakups
  • He Ended Things With You and Did So In a Cruel Way
  • He Ghosted You, Giving You No Explanation Why He Walked Out

If you broke up with your ex boyfriend because he cheated then I want you to really think about getting him back.

You will miss him and may feel sadness about breaking up with him.

This is all VERY normal.

However, if you get him back, you will have to learn to trust him again. And that is a whole other process.

What I am about to ask you will be difficult.

I want you to consider something.

If your ex cheated, ask yourself if it was an isolated incident? Is his behavior out of character. Or, is it something that is likely to be repeated?

If he is a repeat offender, it is more likely that he will cheat again…. and again… and again.

You would be better off finding someone who you can trust not to betray you.

Sorry. I know that’s hard to hear.  The grip an ex boyfriend can have on your heart can be strong.  But remember what I taught you. There are clear cut chemical reasons that can cause you to feel emotionally and physically addicted to someone who is no good for you.

And if you broke up with your ex boyfriend because he was abusive, then breaking up with him was absolutely the right decision. There is no level of abuse that is acceptible in a loving relationship. You don’t do that to the people you care about.

So, even though you are missing him and may regret the decision, in some of these cases you can rest easy in knowing that you made the right decision.

I’m going to say this and I want you to take this seriously.  Sometimes you may choose the wrong boyfriend to be with.  Sometimes it’s time to move forward with your life and leave that mess in the past.

If you feel you could be in such as situation, I want you to focus on becoming the epitome of the Ungettable Girl. You can do this by reading up on what exactly that means in the following articles:

Know that missing him and the regret will go away over time and you aren’t even likely to notice if you are rocking your own life.

What Can You Do To Erase The Damage of the Departure

Okay so you want a plan… right? Let’s talk about what to do if you if you broke up with your boyfriend and now you want him back.

No Contact Is Going To Optimize Your Chances

No Contact is the first step. And when I say the first step I’m not saying that you should put your toe on the step and jump on to the next step. You have to complete the whole step before moving on to the next one.

If you are wondering what it is, it is a period of 21, 30, or 45 days where you are not going to talk to your ex at all.

I know what you are wondering,

“Well, if I broke up with him and now want him back, won’t this push him farther away.”

Simply put, the answer to this is NO, usually not!

Breakups are hard. They are usually harder on the dumpee. So, you need to give your ex some space.  More often what happens is a girl will rush back to her ex boyfriend trying to make right all of the damage from the original act.  She may resort to crying and begging to be forgiven, to give her another chance.

All of this usually just confused and upsets the boyfriend even more and worse you end up losing most of your personal power and leverage.

Your ex is probably going to be very emotional and going to have some bad feelings towards you. I’m sure you can understand this, since you are going through emotional struggles of your own.

This is why it is so important to do a proper No Contact. It will allow both you and your ex to get over any negative emotions and bad feelings that you have so when you do communicate, you have a better chance of keeping the emotions under wraps.

While your No Contact can help with your ex, it is mostly meant to help you with your recovery.

Improvements You Can Make For Yourself

During No Contact, you should be working on self-improving… like big time!

Become the best version of yourself that you possibly can be.

Do all of things that you’ve always wanted to do.

Towards the end of your No Contact I also want you to go back to the list of reasons why you left. Ask yourself again if the breakup was a good idea. Do not be blinded by a bad relationship just because you miss him. Hopefully you have had enough time by that point that you are seeing clearly enough to see past that.

Reach out to Him When It’s The Right Time

Only after you have completed your No Contact period should you even consider reaching out to your ex boyfriend. There are some exceptions to this depending on various circumstances which you can read about more in my ebook, The No Contact Rule Book.

But keep in mind, he may still be angry or hurt that you broke up with him. He may be hurt that you refused to contact him during No Contact.  So think of this as a process and a bit of a balancing act.  You can’t read his mind, so be patient and if you make mistakes, don’t fret over it.

So, you will need to be prepared that he may not be warm and welcoming at first. This is normal.  He may finally get around to asking you why you ignored him for so long. It can all be explained away with one simple statement.

“I needed some time to get focused on what I want out of life.”

Now, be forewarned, you have to actually have something to show for that. I mean you have to have made significant improvements in your life if you want to get him back after all of this.

And then there is the real challenge. You have to be prepared to hold yourself back a little… okay a lot…. a whole lot!

Don’t over-do it. You need to casually get to know each other again. Let him get used to having you around in a non-romantic sort of way.

That means that you have to control yourself.

The Take-Away

Remember that it is perfectly normal for you to miss your ex, even if you did the deed.   And now you know that there are three things that contribute to your missing him following the breakup. These things are known as “The Big Three.”

The Big Three consists of:

  • Addiction
  • Habits
  • Science

You also know that you can overcome those things. And once you overcome one these influences on your mind and heart and body, know that you will be in a better place to make decisions about what you really want.

There is one thing that I know. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want to get your ex back.

There are very valid reasons for feeling that way following a breakup. So figure out if your reasons for dumping your ex were legitimate and go from there.

If your ex boyfriend was a serial cheater or was abusive, then you should put your efforts into bettering yourself and moving on.

If you want him back for the right reasons, then have a plan.

Start off the process of getting him back by completing a successful No Contact. That’s the first hurdle. Do that and the rest will fall into place.

Once you have successfully completed No Contact and made those self-improvements, make sure you even want to get your ex back after re-evaluating your original reasons for breaking up with him. Then reach out to him and initiate a conversation. Keep in mind his fellings and don’t move to fast or be too pushy.

So, now that you know it all and you have access to plenty of other articles to reference, I want to give you access to one more thing… OUR TEAM.

I want you to tell me ALL about your breakup in the comments below. I want to know why you broke up in the first place, how long you were together, and what you have done so far.

Once you do that, our experts will tell you what your next best action is.

(Note:  This post was completely re-written by the website owner and Relationship Coach expert, Chris Seiter on June 17, 2018.  Sarah Drees contributed some of the original content.)

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175 thoughts on “I Broke It Off With Him Now I Miss Him”

  1. Avatar

    Charlie

    March 21, 2021 at 8:25 am

    We dated for 10 months. I broke it off last week because I felt there was incompatibility and lack of compromise on his part. Our energy levels are different – he was always on the go and intense, an extrovert, whereas I’m an introvert and value quality time with him and time to chill. I felt like I was always compromising my wants and needs to fit in with his busy life. (Note: He’s an only child). It felt like life was his rollercoaster which he was steering and I was always a passenger/guest on it, sacrificing my wants/needs. He very seldom compromised and met me at my level or did the things I wanted to do. I ended up being exhausted more often and not. I felt unheard, unseen, disrespected, and my needs were not met. This led to a power struggle. He sees himself as number 1 and everyone else is a satellite to him in his solar system. I am looking for a teammate who values compromise and working together to a shared goal and life. Im struggling with whether this is something we can navigate. Or do I cut my losses and maintain the breakup

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 24, 2021 at 8:24 pm

      Hey Charlie, I cannot tell you what to do I’m afraid I can only advise you when you make your decision on which route you wish to take.

  2. Avatar

    Zisanda

    December 21, 2020 at 3:19 pm

    He cheated on me when I was pregnant, then we suddenly moved on from that while I was pregnant. So I didn’t trust that he was no longer cheating until I gave birth. Then when I gave birth to my son, I thought he’s still cheating on me. I don’t trust him anymore. He is always with friends and drink the whole night. & that I’m still hurt from his cheating.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2020 at 5:28 pm

      Hi Zisanda, I suggest you either end the relationship as you do not trust him, or explain your feelings about him having such a busy social life and how it is making you worry. The best thing you can do is think of yourself and your son, what is going to make you happy. If you did not deal with the cheating correctly that you may carry that around with you until you face the issue head on.

  3. Avatar

    Aimee

    December 9, 2020 at 11:42 pm

    I broke up with my bf last night. I was upset that he works a lot and doesn’t do anything special for me. I feel very embarrassed when I talk about it with my friends. I’m the one usually visiting him at his place and have to beg him to visit me. I admit I have been attacking him about it in my frustration. And there are other issues that I’m going through. I feel like I spent a lot of time on him and didn’t make an effort to make other friends, now I’m all alone. He wasn’t interested in any stuff I wanted to go out to do together with him.. And me being the co-dependent individual as I am I feel like I gradually lost touch with who I am, what I enjoy and what I want in life for his preferences. He proposed to me early last year and when he did for some reason I fell into a depression. I guess it’s because I felt I wasn’t at the point of my life I wanted to be and that was a wake up call.. Don’t get me wrong he wasn’t all bad. He was usually there to listen to me, funny, help me out with a task or errand if he was available and what attracted me to him in the beginning was his hardworking spirit, his determination and confidence in following through his plans, and his intelligence. But now he seems very boring and the dullness of the relationship bothers me up to making me feel inferior to others.. In the space of a three year relationship he hasn’t taken me out up to 5 times. He works weekend nights these days and so isn’t available much.
    I’m just upset that it seems I’m the one going after him so much, visiting him weekday nights, etc and he doesn’t try to visit me or ask me out much.. To add to that his parents didn’t support us getting married and the whole marriage plans came to a halt and had to be stalled indefinitely and I don’t have any friends or family I can be honest with about the real reason behind it.
    I’m just fed up and sad and in my melt down of dissatisfaction with life and the relationship, my friendlessness and my over dependence on him I told him I want to end things. He just said it’s up to me which made me feel even worse, like I don’t matter to him.. I kind of feel I was being impulsive and maybe unable to properly think things through because of my really troubling mental state but I’m pained and he didn’t want to acknowledge that. I feel breaking up is good because it will help me find myself and figure out who I am, what is truly important to me and what I want in life and maybe make it easier for me to make friends and get better mentally. It’s not like the relationship was getting anywhere anyway. I was just so angry with him, I still am.

  4. Avatar

    Mabel

    December 7, 2020 at 6:03 am

    We broke up because he gave me an ultimatum of losing weight or we will have to break up. I was confused because he has known me since I was 15 and I haven’t changed much physically since the beginning of our relationship, besides gaining the normal relationship weight. He was my best friend before that for like 4/5 years and we dated for a year and nine months. When talked it out he told me he was embarrassed of introducing me to his friends because of my weight and didn’t want them saying jokes or rude remarks about me or my weight. I know he had good intentions behind it but his wording was all wrong for it, he wanted to motivate to get healthy. He said he didn’t want to break up with me because he still loves me and cares for me immensely but he couldn’t look past that. He cares too much of what other people think of him and lets it get to him, at that point it was out of my control and couldn’t do much to help him build confidence if he couldn’t look past it. We mutually decided to break up. I decided that option because I needed to give myself that respect to not let a man control me. He chose it because he said he was done being selfish with me and keeping me in the relationship when he knew I deserved better. We left off as friends but deep down I still have hope that maybe in the future once we grow and evolve to better versions of ourselves we can maybe try again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2020 at 9:23 pm

      Mabel, move on this guy is immature. Move on you deserve better than this treatment!

  5. Avatar

    Paula

    December 6, 2020 at 6:44 pm

    Two yrs ago I brutally ended, a 9yr relationship, in that he had a personal family tragedy, new job, some family moved out of state…btw, last 2 we lived together. We’re mature, in mid life and I was an accomplished female who up and decided I wanted my space back, and could perhaps do better. The kicker, honest honest, he loved me like platinum, not just gold…we never even had a quarrel, both of us easy going. We bought a pup together, and he has her weekends now! He was upbeat, he cooked often, we biked, sooo I am so realizing I had a good thing, I do sincerely miss and want him in my life other than polite weekend minutes!

  6. Avatar

    Hannah

    November 29, 2020 at 2:04 pm

    Me and my boyfriend were together for 19 months… we were friends first, he fell for me first but I just wanted to be friend. His character is that he had a rough childhood, in debt, no hugh jackman, but he had a heart of gold (at times). I grew up with a good family and I’d say I was kind and giving, at least I try to be. We went to teach English together in China and that’s where I fell for him, and I fell ill so we came home to england, it was hard at first, going from living together and being together to moving into our parents house again and being separate… I’ve the first year he became more depressed, trying to do a degree and failing to get a job while I got a job in education and started a diploma straight away, I was luckier.. but I still supported him… I noticed a month or two before our first year anniversary that we’d fought a lot over little things, and as I could drive and he couldn’t I felt that he was taking lifts for granted and me as well… so we had a big talk and broke it off before our one year, we were both distraught … but somehow we chose to meet up and really open up about what was wrong, we were on different paths and distant but we still loved and cared for each other so we tried again and started from scratch. And it was working, I was asked on a date and the spark returned, we had a really good summer, minimal arguments… but again… over the past few months he began to crush my happiness every time a special occasion was coming or I was happy about something… I don’t even think he realised what he was doing, I know his life isn’t the best… but that was no way to treat me after I’ve done everything in my power mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially to help him out and make him the better man I’ve seen a few times… but it was getting worse… his birthday is next week… I had plans for it, already bought gifts for him for bday and Xmas… but last week.. again… he crushed my excitement and I told him it hurt and I told him that I wasn’t gunna drive to him to sort out the fights any more (as I always drove to him to sort them out, I’m the fixer, he prefers to hide away), anyway… I waited a week in hopes he’d come to my house and apologise, I even told him what the basics are for an apology and the longer is left the worse it’s getting.. skip 6 days later and still nothing but ‘I’m exhausted’ after he’d been at work and I’m still sat waiting in hope that he’d fight for me and our relationship and offer what I deserve… it didn’t happen… me and my family were let down by him… so I drove to him and did what I had to do… he didn’t even fight it… he just accepted it and said he didn’t blame me and that I deserve better and later messaged me saying he’s hurt… his words have always been contradicting … there were really good times with him… I miss him… but I know that’s part of the big three you mentioned… I know I deserve someone who will recognise when they’ve hurt me and apologise face to face, but this was my first love and my second heart break… I just hope I’ll feel better by Christmas as I don’t want this to ruin it… I think we could be friends after we’ve had time to heal but no more… I know what I did was right… it was Constant emotional abuse.. my family had told me many times.. I should have listened earlier… so yeah… this is my story… I just want to pain to go away… I still care for him and hope he can better himself… but I’ve realised it’s not my responsibility to mother him… to use my energy and life to help him before myself… I need to do some self improvement myself and really accept my worth and hopefully one day find someone who respects my worth as an adventurous, kind, giving, and happy woman.

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    Lia

    November 20, 2020 at 1:40 am

    In the course of one week, he became sooo busy he couldn’t find time for a five minute phone call. I held my fears in check until the weekend when his friends spontaneously came into town, and I wasn’t invited.

    I actually calmed down during the evening, but I wanted to talk to him and express my need for some phone contact during the week. Not a lot, just some. That is when he came heavy with the I’m busy. I’m so busy I can’t breathe. I’ll be this busy for a while. No a five minute phone call isn’t out of the question…but he never said it’s something he would do. He may have said he would try.

    So I got all fearful that I would just turn into a weekend booty-call that I suggested I go get my stuff from his house that weekend. No he said, I’ll bring it. And that fucker did the next day. Drove an hour within his “busy” schedule but could not have possibly found time for a phone call.

    I do realize that I didn’t honor his need for space. He did that for me when I needed it. But I also reassured him that I just needed some time to recharge. I sent him flowers w an apology note two days later.

    I’m now on day four. No response. I’m not freaking out and can see myself waiting until after the holidays to reach out if I still feel this way about him. Who knows, he might wish me a happy birthday next month ‍♀️

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    Maya Jones

    November 11, 2020 at 12:53 pm

    Me and my Ex were together For a year and 2 months. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because I didn’t trust him. I felt like I had to protect my feelings at all times. he didn’t understand well. All my life people have been leaving me life Left and right and he didn’t understand that all I wanted was for him to be there and not leave. We’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times. Which is bad I know but whenever I felt him ready to break up with me, I rushed and I did it before him. We a go through this whole roller coaster and then get back together just to break up again. And then we came to the conclusion that maybe we weren’t meant to be together. Maybe we were meant to be friends and so we did we tried to be just friends and I ended up breaking it off because I couldn’t handle us just being friends. So I said we should stopped talking completely. But he would call me almost every week. Just to ask if I was okay or to just check on me. But I was so mean to him I would tell him to stop calling me or texting me or that I didn’t care about what we had. But really I did. I just didn’t want him to think I was missing him, I would stay up late I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t eating like I used to. I wasn’t as happy. I isolated myself from every one. But one day he called me and I told him how I felt and we got back together and we were together for about 3 weeks and then I broke it off again only because I didn’t feel like he cared. He didn’t show me any time of emotions. He told me he was scared because he didn’t know if I would break up again or hurt his feelings. I never intended on hurting his feelings I just didn’t want him to know how I felt or that I cared. So now we’re broken up and I don’t know if he wants to get back with me. I love this man. But I don’t know if love is enough anymore.

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    Jennifer

    November 4, 2020 at 2:49 pm

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 1/2 years in Feb. It was a long time coming. We used to live together for years at my apartment (he’s 53 I’m 50 now) It was so great at the beginning all the good things about a relationship. He didn’t drink, I did but not like I ended up doing. He held the door we had holidays with family. He became family. I loved him, still do. Over time he started drinking (not heavy) just he stopped drinking years before that and then started again. That was the beginning of no fun. We broke up for a short time early on because of arguing and booze and all that. We got back together and it was great for awhile he didn’t live with me anymore, he’d stay one day during the week and the weekends. Then it got worse and he’d stay only on Saturday nights. It was ridiculous. As I write this I’m like oh my God why am I upset. I finally after months said that’s it no more, let’s be friends we’re both miserable. We never lost touch via texts and calls every now and then. This past summer I invited him over for a cookout and then he came another time to clean our fishtank (I can’t do it) Again we never lost touch I mean we’d go a week or two then get a text or send one. How are you? Have a good day. We both still care and love each other. I found out this past Saturday I has asked him over for dinner and to help me with a few things (fish tank) that he’s been seeing some girl he’s known forever (which by the way I’d never heard of in the 9 years we were together??) He likes her and has been friends w/her for years.He said it’s been a month and they went out a handful of times, but I think it’s more than that. He told me he loved me still but I screwed him over. He’s angry and keeps bringing up how I kicked him to the curb, how I dumped him and now I’m sad because he’s with someone. I played the cry baby girl, still feeling like that today. He’s saying he cares for this girl and doesn’t want to hurt her and it’s my doing to begin with. It’s been 6 months since we’ve been together, partially because of Covid (he lives with his dad who’s sick and older). I am a mess just knowing he’s with someone else and I’m mad at myself because I know in my heart we shouldn’t be together unless there was a 180 turn around and he is who he is. He’s a simpleton, he’s kind of an old man where he just wants to work, come home and chill and not be alone. He said to me I don’t want to be alone, what am I supposed to do Jen? Sit home all my life. Anyway I am hurt and I want it to go away. I can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t stop texting and I know he still loves me he’s said it. Still has my pictures up as I do as well. I don’t know what to do. I know I should leave him be and just know it’s not meant to be but I can’t because I still care and we are family. I’m close with his dad and that’s another part of it. I want it to all go away!!!!
    Jennifer

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    Destiny Xiao

    October 23, 2020 at 12:05 pm

    Hi!
    So me and my boyfriend met in college and have been dating for two years. However, we started doing long distance after coronavirus happened and we both went back home. For about 6 months we have been doing long distance and it was still going. However during this process i cheated on him with two guys. And we had a lot of differences come up during our Facetime dating period. For instance I am a really big feminist and he would always bring up sexist stuff or send sexist stuff to me from Instagram. We would always fight about these issues over Facetime, and more fights about little stuff. However we would barely fight when we were together in real life. We saw each other for three weeks once during our long distance period and I was very hesitant to even kiss him/ have sex with him but was attracted to other people. At the end of the second week/beginning of the third week however I was again in love with him and was feeling sexually attracted to him again. I broke up with him about 5 days ago and it just hurts so much. He was treating me really good and he was so intellectual and smart. I doubt I will ever find a guy like him again. We both cried when we were breaking up and after the first day of breaking up I wanted to get back with him and told him so. He said we needed a bit time and that he did not want to continue long distance at least for a little bit. I’m scared he will never want me back again or at least until we are both back physically in the same place which probably will be beginning of 2021. I don’t know what to do 🙁

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    Emma

    October 22, 2020 at 8:56 pm

    So … My name is Emma. Through the quarantine,. we haven’t seen each other and we were just texting. It was pretty hard. Sometimes we didn’t even text to each other. And after this, I decided, that I am not able to handle this. I wrote him a letter, LETTER, where I said that I am sorry but I think that is better to broke up. So, it was over. I couldn’t believe it. I thought, that we will be friends. And he didn’t want to. I was confused and I texted him, saying that I am sorry, that I didn’t want this, that I want us to be friends like before. And he said that I am responsible for what I’ve done. So, l decided to let him to take some space. He was ignoring me and I was sad because of it. And now, after one month, I really miss him. I think that I was stupid. I regret all of it. But he will never forgive me. This hurts most. That I know, that I really screwed it up and it’s all my fault. That he is right and he can be mad at me. I don’t know what to do … I wish you could help me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 22, 2020 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Emma, by the sounds of things he is just upset, but make sure that you stick to a 30 day no contact and work on yourself for now. Reach out again using Chris text in 30 days time

  12. Avatar

    Helena Awuku

    October 12, 2020 at 11:30 pm

    My name is Lena.I dated my boyfriend for 3yrs.within these years,I solely helped him with everything he needed including shopping for his attires and groceries.I always help him when he needed it.But what I realised was that,we both are working but he turns to ask for financial assistant from me which I do help.But whenever I need financial assistance,the tells me that I’m working and also he isn’t married to me so he can’t be of help.This things he says really got to me when I was in serious need of help which I even promised to pay him back but he refused and didn’t help me.This his attitude made me came to the realization that,when we get married this attitude of his will be worse than I even expect so I have to call the relationship off.I notice he was taking my leniency for granted.

  13. Avatar

    Nancy

    October 11, 2020 at 2:48 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday we were together for 1 year in a half he can’t commit I haven’t met his family he doesn’t like it when I bring it up

  14. Avatar

    Madeline-Solange Kisolokele

    October 7, 2020 at 6:25 pm

    Hello,

    I broke up with my ex after realizing that he was taking me for granted. He used to give me silent treatments when he was pissed about a situation. I really want him to work on himself and get back together but I don’t know if the no contact rule will work. I don’t want to reach out to him even if I wait. what would you suggest I do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 8, 2020 at 8:42 am

      Hi Madeline, you make the right choice as he was making you feel bad. However for him to work on himself you can’t “make” him do anything, it needs to be his choice. What you can do is follow the program focusing on the Ungettable information so your ex starts to regret losing you.

  15. Avatar

    Gigi

    October 1, 2020 at 7:24 pm

    We metat my work place and we liked each other. It was too fast . He was too fast in everything, he was so caring and romantic.he started planning our future together and he also made our wedding timetable and set a date. I was so happy about it and i introduced him to my family But as time elapsed he was hiding me from his family, i thought that her family would tell some hidden parts of him and decided to hide them from me.he couldn’t respect my personal life. He could get upset that i talk to other guys, that i don’t introduce him to my friends. I thought he was faking our future because he might be impotent. We didn’t try sexual intercourse because i refused sex before marriage. As he was hiding me from his family and getting upset on little things that are not worth it, he was occupying me in all my free time that couldn’t do anything else .he wanted to own me all for himself only. I broke up with him 1st time and he begged me to stay, the next time i broke up with him and said if i did that twice he can’t insist on asking me to stay. Now after breaking up wit him. I miss him so much and i think i made a wrong decision that i could hold on alittle bit .

  16. Avatar

    Sarah R

    September 10, 2020 at 8:13 pm

    I broke up with my boyfriend 3 days ago. We were together for 6 and half months. I broke up with him because he started ignoring me and not talking to me. He knew his mom had cancer but 3 months ago he was told she had 5-10 years to live and would be starting kemp soon. At that time he didn’t talk about his feelings much as guys do. But he did say he wanted me, was set on me, and wouldn’t let me go. A month later (2 months ago) he started to pull away. We stopped hanging just us two and he stopped his good morning/goodnight messages. I started initiating everything and sometimes never go a response. I knew he was grieving seeing his mom going through kemo and also having depression. I originally kept being me saying I love you and messaging him to have a good day. We didn’t hang or talk over phone just us to only with his group of friends. He then stopped saying I love you back all the time and started not continuing conversations even more. We fought over a game but I said I was sorry and he said it was fine. He still pulled away more and started not responding or even initiating conversations with me when with his friends. He only hung with his friends and pushed me to the side. I tried speaking to him a month later. I asked if he just wanted to be friends or wanted to stay in a relationship just needed some time. He responded I don’t know. He also said you should leave me because I’m only going to disappoint you( the depression talking). I told him I didn’t want to leave him, I cared about him, then he ran away from the conversations saying he needs to escape from irl. Which I assumed meant me and his mom’s cancer. I gave him space and didn’t message him much. Then 3 days ago, I decided we needed to talk because I didn’t even know if he loved me anymore. I messaged him can we talk, he responded about?, and I said stuff. He was gaming with his friends and then pretended to go offline and then didn’t respond to me. I messaged him saying pls we need to talk. No response an hour later I texted him we were done. I also said that I just wanted to see where we stood and that I was okay with waiting till things were better and I said my goodbye. He responded hours later saying I apologize I couldn’t be better. I hope you do well…. now I’m missing him a lot. I want him back. I know he needs to deal with his stuff and needs to learn to stop running away and hiding in games but I know He has a good heart and if he does it he will be okay. But does he still love me and is there a chance to get back with him in the future. Because I still want him.

  17. Avatar

    Ann Kaspick

    September 1, 2020 at 3:39 pm

    My boyfriend and I are middle-aged, both divorced with kids. We were together for a year. I have been crazy about him. He is very honest, very caring, loyal. Both of us were previously married about the same time, over 20 years. My marriage ended 6 years ago, his 3 years ago. He tends to hold on to the past and stress about the future, not being “present” most of the time. I had a terrible story about my past but have used it to learn from and am very excited about getting a second chance. I can’t wait to experience things and try new things. He was all in at the beginning. We fell for each other at the same pace it seemed and were so excited. As time went on I learned that in his marriage, it was very divided. He and his son went on vacations together and his wife and daughter went together. An unhealthy relationship had developed with him and his son to where he allowed his 16 year old son to dictate how his life was managed. His son didn’t speak to me even though I made efforts to try to have a relationship of some kind with him. I was never pushy, just considerate. Over time my boyfriend would ask me to leave when we were hanging at his house so that he could just be with his son. I understand wanting time together but felt after a year in the relationship if I wasn’t part of the family unit in some way it would only cause us to be divided. We ran into this issue every few months and talked about it in a way that communicated it was really straining the relationship. He made plans with his son on all holidays to go camping and never included me. It got to where we hadn’t spent a weekend together in over a month. I would think a year old relationship should be able to assume we would be together on a weekend. I was very stressed about it. I’m crazy about him and felt a connection like no other since the moment I met him. My kids are older and much more independent and we have a great relationship but they don’t control my life. He and his son seem to have a co-dependent relationship and he treats his son like a friend more than his son. I didn’t see any way to resolve the issue so I ended up ending the relationship. I had him over to my house and we talked for 2.5 hours about the issues. I was very careful and I explained exactly how I felt. He told me if he could fix it he would but he can’t. (?) I didn’t see anywhere to go from there. I went no contact for 6 weeks. He never reached out during that time. I reached out after six weeks to ask him to meet up so that I could get my things from his house that I had there. We met at a store parking lot at my request (he lives 35 min from me) and he sat in my car for 4 hours while we talked. We really just caught up and didn’t talk about it ending or why. Now I wish we could have talked about how he felt about the relationship ending. I miss him terribly and have done nothing but think about him constantly and wonder if I did the right thing. I can’t seem to move on and don’t want to act out of fear. I truly felt a connection with him and that is so rare. What can you suggest?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 14, 2020 at 7:32 pm

      Hi Ann, it seems like difficult relationship as he clearly had a close relationship with his son, and his son not warming to you is because you are the person he would have to share his dads’ time with. Which no teenager is going to like when they are so used to having his own way. As for making a mistake, I think if you couldnt handle the situation he had with his children then maybe this isn’t the person you are supposed to be with. As asking him to choose between you and his son, I’m sorry but his son is going to win.

      If you want to get this ex back then I suggest that you really consider if you can deal with his relationship with his son or not, if you do then you could start reaching out to you ex and re build your connection.

  18. Avatar

    Sara

    September 1, 2020 at 4:58 am

    I broke up with my boyfriend bc he was in college and I was in highschool and I felt like I was wasting my senior year. I would get so mad at him all of the time over the dumbest things and I stopped wanting to hang out with him. He would do anything for me bc he was the sweetest. We dated for 10 months. I broke up with him and a week later I asked to get back together bc I missed him so much. But then a month later I ended it again bc I just kept lashing out at him. We were in two different places. It’s been 6+ months since the breakup and we have texted twice very nicely hoping both of us are good and healthy. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about him. I feel like he was my endgame and that he’s the perfect guy to end up with. I feel like I got distracted by dumb things like highschool and I got it in my head that I was too young. I started hanging out with this other guy but I just constantly thought about my ex. It never compared bc I was just constantly reminded about all the things I missed with him. I don’t know what to do bc he definitely wants nothing to do with me. And I’m scared to reach out bc what if I just miss the relationship. I can’t do that to him. Plus it would never be the same and his family will hate me. Also I don’t want to be hurt if I reach out and he doesn’t want anything to do with me.

  19. Avatar

    Jasmine Hooper

    August 29, 2020 at 1:59 am

    I broke up with my bf after almost 2 and a half years. He was my first everything and I never wanted kids but being with him I thought about us having a kid together eventually. The problems we had were his emotional intimacy is not that great. I never felt like a number 1 priority. He has roommates and I felt he put their needs above mine even though it makes sense cos I did not pay rent. We both can say mean things to eachother although he says them without knowing they’re mean. We’re both lvns and im going to school to be an RN and hes not but him being an RN will have us make more money for our future. We were long distance for the last 3 months because I moved home, and from the beginning of our relationship I said I would not live in san antonio, and we talked about where we would move and i feel he was hesitant to move/go up the career ladder. I felt I was pushing him in a direction he didn’t wanna go. I want to live in different places and he wants to be more settled and live in a house, and isn’t content with living in an apartment. I feel he would put the bare minimum in our relationship, and i would always have to think of things for us to do. He wasnt receptive to do many things, he always like a plan beforehand, and more wanted to do things he wanted to do like play video games etc. He also stopped wanting to have sex for a long length of time. And this last time I visited after not seeing eachother for 2 months he didn’t want sex. He also didn’t clean up for my arrival and his house was a mess. Another thing is he’s a night shift worker so he’s up at nights and sleeps during the day which causes him to be grumpy. I also have mental health issues that I need to work on. I know its a lot but I am wondering if hes the one. He has gotten better with some aspects of our relationship over time. Idk I just can’t let go of this idea that we will have a kid together but I need our goals to match up. I feel things would be perfect if he went to school and move close to me before our original 3 year plan

  20. Avatar

    Rachel

    August 14, 2020 at 7:07 pm

    I ended my 7 year relationship at the end of May. I sacrificed a lot for him and lived 250 miles away from my friends and family and I was struggling. His family influence a lot of his decisions and he works for them so I was struggling with him putting their needs above mine. I regretted it and begged and pleaded for him back saying I’d do anything but he’d moved out of our home into his parents. I got a new job further south but he said he wouldn’t compromise and live halfway – then had a go at me for saying I’d do anything. He went really cold and nasty when I wouldn’t agree to go back and I’ve recently found out he’s on a dating site. I’ve also heard he’s hysterical about the whole thing when he’s drunk saying he loves me but there’s no way it can work. But if he loved me so much and wanted it to work why won’t he compromise and why is he on the dating site? We haven’t been able to do no contact as we’re currently selling the house. His mum has been heavily involved in the break up and has said we both need to walk away. He’s not reaching out to me at all and he’s just changed so much I don’t know who this person is.

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