Today we’re going to talk about what ex-boyfriends think right before they break up with you.
What creates that decision to actually want to go through a breakup?
And what I think is going to make this particular article unique, as opposed to many of my other articles out there, is that I actually had a real conversation with one of my friends who is actually about to plan to break up with his current girlfriend.
And he gave me prime access to exactly what’s going on in his mind, every little weird nook and cranny in there.
And I learned some really fascinating things, because what we’re dealing with here, the moment before someone decides to break up with you, it’s arguably one of the most guarded secrets they will ever have in their mind.
I know when I would go through breakups younger, much younger, before I got married, I would never tell anyone this kind of stuff ever.
And maybe one of the reasons why Ex Boyfriend Recovery has been so successful, as not only a brand, but even a podcast, is the fact that I’ve been willing to kind of peel back the layers and show you what is going on in the mind of a man.
But what I wanted to do was I wanted to take you not through my mind, but one of my friend’s minds who gave me permission to basically unlock and show you what’s inside. So you can actually see really interesting things that you may not have learned before.
So if you stick with me until the end of this podcast episode, not only are you going to watch me have a conversation with someone who’s about to break up with their girlfriend, but we’re going to learn a lot about trusting your gut as you went through a break up, or you are going through this process of getting over them or trying to get them back.
We’re also going to learn about how someone can go from being so in love with your looks to, all of a sudden, finding you unattractive.
And we’re also going to talk about why it’s always a good idea to strive to become the ungettable girl.
It’s Important To Find Your Starting Point
But look, if you’re new to this website or you’re new to sort of how I do things, I’m a big believer in starting at the beginning.
And if you’re at the beginning of this process, where you’re trying to determine what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back and basically using that to determine whether or not you should be getting over them or getting them back or trying to get them back, my biggest recommendation for you is to take my Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.
It’s basically a two minute free quiz designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back so you can make a smart decision going forward on whether or not you’re wasting your time throughout this process on getting them back or if you should just simply be moving on.
Having A Conversation With Someone About To Break Up With His Girlfriend
Okay, let’s talk about break ups.
So I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about basically how his life has been going.
Yesterday was my birthday so I kind of got the day to myself to do what I wanted and one of the things I wanted to do was talk to my friend.
I hadn’t talked to him in maybe a month and a half. Now to put this into context, when I last talked to him, he was absolutely head over heels in love with this new girl he just met. I remember the first thing he said to me when he met this girl was
“Chris, you are not going to believe it. I just got a date with the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated in my entire life.”
I could just tell talking to him, he was happy.
I remember thinking, in my mind, this may be the one.
He may have found the girl he’s going to propose to.
And I was happy for him.
But you know how things kind of unfold, life gets in the way and life got in the way.
The pandemic, the quarantine, started happening.
I had to start, obviously start worrying about my business and exactly how I was going to structure everything going forward.
Plus I got busy.
So anyways, after a month and a half goes by, I decide yesterday, during my birthday, I was going to try to just sort of like reach out to him.
He reached out to me to say like,
“Hey, happy birthday, Chris.”
And so I responded back like,
“Hey, do you mind if we just catch up on old times? Let’s just sort of hop on the phone and see how things are going.”
And he agreed. I mean, how can you say no to someone on their birthday?
It’s like an easy birthday wish.
So I get on the phone with him and we just sort of talk like normal buddies would.
And I was really curious because I was happy for him that I felt like he found someone who he was like genuinely in love with.
He kept talking about how attractive she was.
Maybe like 10 minutes into the phone call, I tried to kind of slide it in there.
So I basically said, “Hey, how’s that girl?”
And he acted kind of standoffish, which immediately put up my sort of radar. I was like, hmm, red flag.
So I kind of didn’t touch it for a little bit.
And then I kind of prodded a little again because curiosity kills the cat and I just don’t have a filter maybe.
And I basically said, “So I can kind of sense something’s off with this girl. What’s going on?”
And he’s basically was like, “Man you’re really good at what you do. I didn’t even say anything.”
And he went on to tell me some really fascinating things about how he no longer views her as attractive or as attractive as he thought she was.
And how he kind views her as maybe a little bit immature and one of the really intriguing parts about her was her looks. And so all of a sudden it struck me that he would say that he doesn’t find her attractive anymore.
And so I basically said, “Are you thinking of breaking up with her?”
And he’s sort of like, “Yeah.”
And what I found really interesting was I asked him, “Why haven’t you done it yet?” And he was like, “I don’t know.”
And I basically said, “You know what I do for a living, right?” And he’s like, “Yeah, I know.”
“Okay. Well, here’s what I think you’re doing.”
And I went on to tell him,
“I think you’re just scared because you’re scared of hurting her feelings.”
And he’s like, “Yeah, that’s it. 100%.”
I was basically just fascinated, this is an unprecedented situation.
And I’d said, “Do you mind if I kind of like interview you? You don’t have to come on my podcast or anything like that, but do you mind if I just ask you a few questions, because I think what’s going on in your mind, the thoughts you’re having, are going to help hundreds of thousands of women out there who are maybe going through a breakup and trying to make sense of the broken pieces.”
And so he was like, “Yeah, sure man. Just ask me anything you want.”
And so I did.
Proof That Looks Aren’t Everything When It Comes To Relationships
And the first thing I really wanted to dive into was the looks.
I basically asked him, “When I first talked to you a month and a half ago, you found this girl incredibly attractive. That was like the number one thing you kept like hammering home, like, wow this is the prettiest girl I’ve ever met.”
Because I have long been a proponent of the fact that looks aren’t everything.
I believe that looks matter, but they only really matter to get you in the door. They don’t keep you in the house.
You can quote it. Chris Seiter said that.
But if you’ve ever been looking for proof that looks aren’t everything, we have a situation right here where you have a guy who was rabid about this girl’s looks. And he goes from being rabid about this girl’s looks to, a month and a half later, telling me that he doesn’t find her that attractive anymore.
And so I was really eager in trying to understand why don’t you find her attractive?
Her physical appearance has not changed whatsoever in this month and a half.
It’s not like she gained like 300 pounds. It’s not like she had some horrific car accident and half her face fell off.
She’s not two face.
So what went on?
And he proceeded to tell me something that I’ve never heard before, which is a really unique take.
The first thing he said was, he started talking about how, at the beginning, he built her up in his mind as sort of this really, really incredible girl that had all of these interesting layers to her. And the more he peeled back the layers, the more he kind of realized that the picture he had in his mind of her was not as great as reality. So it’s sort of like he built up the expectations in his mind, but reality didn’t meet that.
Watch this and you’ll get what I mean,
And ultimately I wanted to probe a little bit deeper.
I wanted to say what do you mean by that?
What did you find?
And he said, “She’s kind of immature. She does things that are a little immature. And I kind of viewed her as this really mature woman and I find out she’s not mature. And that became kind of a turnoff for me.”
And I said,
“So that little thing, you peeling back the layers and finding she’s immature, is what made her physically unattractive to you?”
And he said,
“Yes and no. There’s a little more to it than that.”
So he said,
“Yes, the immaturity, finding out she was immature I found as an incredible turnoff. So immediately I look at her and she may have been the most beautiful girl, but I don’t view her as that beautiful anymore. All I can see is this immaturity aspect to her. But that’s not just it, that’s not the whole reason why I feel this way when I look at her.”
And so I wanted to probe deeper.
So I said, “What else is there?”
And he said,
“Well, the fact that there wasn’t anything left to learn about her. It’s like I had learned everything. I was going to ever learn about her and I didn’t like what I found.”
It’s just sort of like he got to the end of the movie and looked at me and said, “That’s it? That’s all there is to this?” He was disappointed. And that became sort of unattractive to him. And he’s not really great with words. That’s not necessarily true, he is great with words, but he’s not great at analogies.
So the analogy I gave him was so you’re saying it’s sort of like ogres or onions.
You know the famous Shrek line? You’re saying the more you peel back the onion layers, the less appealing you found the experience.
And he further reiterated the fact that no, it wasn’t just that. It was the fact that she didn’t have any more onion layers to peel back that made me kind of lose interest. And so I think this is a really intriguing lesson we can learn about the male mind, especially when it comes to just relationships in general.
I even told him about my theory of stability and mystery. This is something that I’m always going on and on about.
I’m trying to be less derivative and inject new ideas into my articles and podcasts episodes and YouTube videos and everything like that, but one thing that I truly believe in is that as human beings, we have these two competing needs.
Stability And Mystery Theory
We have the need for stability, but we also have the need for adventure and mystery.
The problem is that they’re not sort of mutually exclusive, if that makes any sense?
Meaning if you’re too stable and not enough adventure, the person can grow bored. If you’re too adventure and too much mystery involved and not stable enough, the person can grow scared and seek that stability. You need to try to find a way to balance both.
And it seems to me that he found sort of her stability and mystery factor was not in line with what he was seeking.
And he kind of agreed with me. And he said, “Yeah, that’s, that’s part of it.” But he really harped on the fact that she didn’t have any other facets to her personality that really intrigued him. That really would shock him to learn.
You Need To Become Ungettable
And I think this is just further validates what I feel like I’m always saying to women when I say, “You need to become ungettable.”
And I think this is just another way of putting that.
Because really what he’s talking about here is the ungettable girl.
If you don’t know, the ungettable girl is this girl that all men want, but no man can have.
Essentially it’s the girl that has so many layers to her, so much intrigue about her, that he’s always seeking to try to find the middle but can never find it. And I think, at a certain point, there’s a flaw in that type of thinking.
I’ll admit, there’s a flaw. When it comes to attracting men that’s sort of what works. I think I’ve studied this enough to know that the more facets you have to your personality, the more things that your ex can be surprised to learn about you, the more paradigm shifts you can give him, the more intrigued he becomes about you.
But I think the one flaw in that is that eventually there’s no human being with the infinite layers that they can just kind of peel back and continue to keep the man intrigued. Eventually he has to be happy with what he finds in the middle.
And I think this is where it takes two to tango.
As much as women want me to say, give me the secret to unlocking the man’s heart. Give me the secret to making a man fall in love with me and stay in love with me forever. I can’t do it without his cooperation. A man needs to be mature enough to accept you for the fact that no one is perfect.
And I think my friend doesn’t really have an issue with that. I think my friend knows exactly what he wants. And after peeling back the layers, he found this isn’t the girl he wanted.
I will also say one other thing. His situation with this girl is essentially a rebound.
He moved on to this girl like a month after getting broken up with by a girl, he admitted to me, he was in love with. He admitted that to me even at the beginning of the situation when he was basically going and saying, “I’m dating this new girl after so-and-so broke my heart. She’s the prettiest girl ever.”
So it’s kind of like this girl was a rebound and he’s maybe gotten to the center and realized, “I know what I’m missing.” And maybe that’s where regret comes into play.
Now a lot of you are sitting there and thinking, “What if I’m the rebound? I’m a rebound.” Don’t worry about that because I think what we can take from this is the fact that the onion layer, so to speak, the multifaceted personality, the more you can harp on those characteristics, the more you can develop these really interesting takes.
And I’ll give you an example of how to do this.
Let’s say your ex views you as someone who doesn’t take risks, but you go and skydive and post it on Instagram Live or something like that, or Instagram it. They’re going to see that and say, “I did not expect her to do that.” The more you can do things like that, the more intriguing they will sort of come to you. But no matter how tactically perfect you are, you need your ex to kind of work with you a little bit.
You need him to be okay with what he finds in the center. So this is something, I’m just going to tell you how it is. This is what I’m seeing. A lot of people who get back together and break up again, it’s because their ex gets to that center and doesn’t like what he finds.
It’s sort of like, that’s it. That’s not on you. That’s on him. It’s up to him to realize that no one is perfect. And sometimes men fall into this pattern where they’re constantly in love with the chase. They’re constantly in love with peeling back those layers and I need to find that middle.
I need to sort of find all the layers. And then when they find the middle it’s over for them, they would just lose interest. Until they meet that person that is right for them, that they find the middle and they’re like, “I like what I find.” So the big things that I want you to leave this episode with is the fact that looks are kind of overrated. Seriously. A lot of women put a lot of effort into their looks when they don’t really need to. A lot of women understand that looks get you in the door, but they fail to understand that it’s not what keeps you there.
In fact, this is proven by my friend who arguably said, this is his words, “This is the most attractive girl I’ve ever dated.” And then I talked to him yesterday and he finds her completely unattractive. And that all happened because of that layers and being like, “Well, she’s immature. I found out she’s immature. And I found out that she’s not this way I wanted her to be.” And it’s also being able to not put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect.
Because generally speaking, a lot of men who are obsessed with chasing those layers have a huge flaw and you’re better off without them. Now not to say that you should give up completely on getting your ex back if you’re worried that like what if he got obsessed with the layer thing and didn’t like my middle?
Most cases, he does like your middle. That’s why you were in a relationship with him. Especially longterm relationships. What I think most people can use this for is the fact that the more sort of intrigue, the more facets that you can have to your personality that he can learn about, it will cause him to become obsessed with you. And that’s the goal. That should always be your goal just in dating in general.