Today we’re going to be talking about, what your ex means when he says he doesn’t want a relationship.
There’s a lot to dive into, but the first step you should always take if you are sitting there and determining whether or not you should be trying to get back with your ex, or trying to move on with your ex, is by stopping everything you’re doing and taking our ex recovery chances quiz.
It’s a special two minute quiz designed to tell you what chance you have of getting your ex back, so you can make a smart decision going forward and not sacrifice or waste your time.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat Does It Mean When He Says He Doesn’t Want A Relationship?
So, today we’re going to be taking a question from a woman who wants to remain anonymous. But when I heard her question I became inspired to talk about something that I don’t think I’ve ever talked about before.
But before I get into that, I think it’s probably best if I just play her question.
Last week, my boyfriend of three months broke up with me. He said that his main reason was that he realized he didn’t want to be in a relationship, and he wants someone to hang out with, but he doesn’t want the commitment. He knows that’s not what I’m looking for. And he also knows that people our age really are not looking for that kind of relationship. I’m 37 and he’s 44. Prior to breaking up though, we had a conversation about sex, because in our three months together we had never been sexually intimate. And I had even spent the night with him a couple of times and nothing ever happened.
So, I wanted to ask him about it because I just was wondering. And he revealed to me that he has erectile dysfunction. And while he is interested in sex and he is attracted to me, he was worried that if we tried to have sex or fool around or anything, that he didn’t know what the outcome would be. So, I think that was a little worrisome for him, and embarrassing for him for us to even attempt that. So we never did attempt anything physically like that. But I was supportive, I didn’t want to break up with him over that. I wanted to be as encouraging as I could and help him. And I was willing to stick with him and work through this together. So, I’m wondering if you think which reason is the primary reason he wanted to end our relationship?
The Exception Mentality
So this is a situation that is becoming more and more common.
You’re with someone, things seem to be going okay, and then he drops this bombshell.
I don’t want a relationship.
People our age aren’t doing that, whether that’s being young or old. And a lot of women come to me and they ask me, “Well, does he mean it?”
Because what’s interesting is when women hear this, sometimes I feel like they take this the wrong way.
They think that they’re the exception.
This is a problem, because you’re not the exception. When a man sits there and tells you he doesn’t want a relationship with you, does he mean it? He absolutely means it in the moment. Now things can change. Who knows what the future holds. But women sometimes take this to mean that, yeah, he means it right now, but I’ll change his mind.
And oftentimes their efforts lead them astray and they fail.
And I want to explore this concept of thinking that you’re the exception.
Because you may well be the exception, but you probably don’t have the mentality it takes to see the results of that.
Now, what do I mean by that? Well, it’s interesting the longer I’ve been doing this, the more important I realize mentality is over anything else.
You give me two people. You can give me someone in the worst situation you can imagine, their ex says they hate them, they block them. They have no way of getting in touch with them. And then you can give me someone who has an ideal situation. But the only difference is the mentality. One person, the person with the worst situation has the right mentality. And the person with the easiest situation has the wrong mentality. And I will take the person with the right mentality every single time.
The Pedestal Mentality
And that’s because, women I’ve noticed have this tendency to place men on pedestals. And that’s a problem. Because men are human beings just like you are a human being. And human beings are not perfect.
In fact, we’re often defined by our imperfect nature. Putting your ex on a pedestal gives them power over you. It gives them leverage. One of my favorite TV shows is this British TV show called, Peaky Blinders. It’s basically this like period piece set right after World War I. It’s set in Britain and it just follows this leader of this gang.
I’m not really one for gang type stuff, but this show is awesome.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd I remember the moment that I was sold on the show.
The main character basically says, “Never parlay when you’re on the back foot.”
Basically, don’t deal with someone until you have leverage. This is something that I’ve tried to teach women countless times over the years.
If you have no leverage, you are not going to get your ex back.
That’s as simple as it gets.
And what you do by placing your ex on a pedestal, by looking at him like he’s this perfect being and that your life is over without him, you give him that leverage. Now, I’m not saying that’s what the caller did here.
No, she is the victim of a symptom of society.
So yeah, she may be placing her ex on a pedestal, most women do. Until I can explain to them why they shouldn’t be doing that. But even when you sometimes explain to a woman why she shouldn’t put a man on a pedestal, they have to experience the pain and heartbreak first for them to realize, Oh, that’s why I don’t do that. But, what do I mean by a symptom?
The Peter Pan Syndrome
Well, a man who sits there and says to you, he doesn’t want a relationship, oftentimes they suffer from something I like to call, the Peter Pan Syndrome. Now, I’m a weird person I’m not going to lie to you.
At night one of my favorite things to do is just surf YouTube and try to find inspirational videos or philosophical videos that get my mind thinking. And last night I stumbled across something, and I’ll actually post the video in the show notes of this episode on our website.
Because it struck me so much and I not only agreed with it, but it’s something that I’ve seen happen time and time again. There’s this, he’s called the professor, but I view him more as a philosopher. His name is Jordan Peterson. He’s very controversial.
He has very controversial views, but I don’t think anyone can doubt his intelligence.
And what’s interesting is he did this talk about men or women in general who reject this concept of growing up, Peter Pan Syndrome. And I feel that most men who sit there and say, I don’t want a relationship. I can’t commit to you. Especially in anonymous’ situation here where she’s 37 and he’s 44 or something. I actually don’t remember his age. But I know he’s in his 40’s. People our age aren’t getting married. No. That’s BS. People your age are married.
That’s the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever heard. Excuse my language. It gets me angry because what we have here is a classic case of the Peter Pan Syndrome.
How The Peter Pan Syndrome Works
No, I don’t want to claim that I came up with this concept by myself because I didn’t. I was inspired and made some tweaks to it.
So, like I said, I’ll post the video on the show notes. So you can watch the video as a whole and see for yourself. But this is Jordan Peterson, and he talks about this concept of Peter Pan and how Peter Pan is this children’s book, right?
And when we’re children we’re nothing but potential, we can be anything. And Peter Pan is a magical boy, but he never wants to grow up. Plus he could fly, which is pretty cool. But he never wants to grow up because he never wants to give away that potential. Peter Pan, he just doesn’t want to give it up.
So, he wants to have that potential be there forever. And he’s surrounded by children who adopt the same mentality in this make-believe place called Neverland. Now that’s not to say he isn’t surrounded by adults, he is.
The main adult in Peter Pan’s life is Captain Hook. Which is an evil man with a hook, who is constantly chased by a crocodile with a clock in its stomach. What’s interesting is Peterson makes this distinction that, the crocodile with a clock in its stomach is time.
So, you have this crocodile with a clock in its stomach constantly chasing Captain Hook. A man who’s constantly running from time. So, Peter Pan sees this main adult, this crazy, ugly, mean old man with a hook, running from time, looks at him and says, “I don’t want to do that. I’m not sacrificing my childhood for that.”
But what’s interesting is that being a child does have its sacrifices. See, one of the biggest benefits of growing up is establishing a relationship. A loving relationship with someone that you can rely on and trust in, someone that will be there for you when times are good and when times are bad. And as a child, that’s something that you sacrifice. And Peter Pan does have to sacrifice that. As a child he can’t ever have a real relationship with a woman. The woman in his life, of course being Wendy. A girl, she’s not a woman technically yet, but she’s accepted her maturity. She’s accepted the fact that at some point she will have to grow up. She wants to grow up, she wants to have kids, she wants to have a life. And perhaps the moral of the story is that growing up does require you to sacrifice your childhood.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizAnd here we’re going to talk about your ex a little bit, anonymous. Some men resist this notion. Some men are Peter Pan. And what we have is often… When we’re growing up, we can do things when we’re 20, mid 20’s and we’re still looked at as, that person has potential. But if a person never changes, if they never grasp their potential, they’ll wake up when they’re 30 or 40 being the same child with no difference. And what I think happens often to men who say they don’t want a relationship and they’re old, is they literally reject the notion of growing up. They’re literally spitting on their potential. Because potential cannot be achieved without sacrificing your childhood.
Yes, you have potential as a child, you can be anything you want to be. But having potential, and fulfilling potential, are two completely different concepts. And perhaps the most ironic part about all of this, is that growing up will happen to us whether we do it or not. So, we’re ultimately faced with these two choices.
You choose your skill, fulfill your potential, and sacrifice your time. Time is currency in this instance. Something that we can spend and never get back. So, what are we doing when we spend our time? If we’re not doing anything to fulfill our potential, we’re wasting our time. Or the second result or choice that people have, and this is what I find often happens with men who say they don’t want a relationship, they don’t want to commit, they resist, they resist growing up. They become Peter Pan, but the bill comes due no matter what you do.
A
August 18, 2021 at 12:54 pm
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together over a year now and it’s been great. A few months ago he saw an old friend who lives several states away. As they hung out, the friend invited my bf to stay with him for an extended period of time if he wanted. My bf said no and realized it was because of me. My bf isn’t upset he said no but this conversation made him realize he can’t imagine being in a relationship from “now” and the rest of his life. He feels like he may say no to other opportunities or not take risks and feels “tamed.” He feels like now he has to rush figuring out his path because by being in a relationship the “clock” has started and he has me to think about now, not just himself. I’ve told him I’m still figuring out my path and don’t expect to get engaged or married or for him to support me anytime soon. I’ve been in long term relationships
so I’m used to being with someone and still taking time for myself and doing what makes me happy. He’s been more of the “bag in the wind” type so even though he says he loves me and is happy with me, he is bothered by the loss of freedom and feels guilty when he wants alone time. We’re at a stand still right now. He said the thought of not having me in his life is terrifying but he also can’t imagine being in a relationship for the rest of his life. I don’t know what to do, I wish I was able to just let him go but I think we have a future together. He said he doesn’t know what to do either because breaking up wouldn’t feel 100% right but being together like normal and acting like this conversation didn’t happen wouldn’t feel right either. He says he feels like he’s juggling right now and he feels like a relationship is a lot of work that he doesn’t know he can put into. I’m sick over this.
R
September 26, 2020 at 6:40 pm
Hi! My ex and I dated for 3 years. It is his first year in the air force and I feel like things started changing around then. He broke up with me in February saying that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and wanted space. In June we started communicating again and trying to work on things, but in August he did the same thing again. He says he isn’t ready and doesn’t feel the same about me, but loves me and still sees a future with me. What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 6, 2020 at 11:02 am
Hi R, you need to follow a NC of 30 days where you focus on being ungettable and showing your ex that you are doing great – use social media to show him rather than telling him. The more you focus on yourself the happier you seem, and the information of how well you are doing is going to get back to him.
Lost
August 3, 2020 at 9:05 am
Thanks Shaunna, thanks for the reply, is there anyway I can go about this without dating? Ive never been the dating type and its not something I feel comfortable doing.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 3, 2020 at 8:14 pm
Yes of course you can if you do not feel ready to dating, it just sometimes help your ex feel worried that you are moving on. But you can do that by doing things with your friends and family too that are going to look amazing and make him feel that he is missing out on a good time with you
Lost
July 27, 2020 at 12:00 am
Hey,
I was wondering what your advice would be in relation to a guy not wanting a relationship with you or saying he doesnt see a future and just wants a friends/sexual relationship but the guy still acts and wants to do stuff that would be more than that e.g. cuddling, wanting you to sleep over, hang out with him and friends, phone/video calls, texts all the time. He obviously doesnt know what he wants really but how do you work with that?
How should I respond in an EBR sense, say if this guy had finished things, Id done NC, rebuilt rapport and few months later that was going really well with him initiating alot and showing interest but then we have this messaging convo that turns flirty and he asks me to come over for just sex. To which I turn down(eventually after some beating around the bush) and to which he gets all apologetic and says how selfish and immature it was and how he agrees with me that I deserve more with someone and that he will stop sexual advances towards me and wants to stay friends. ? Any advice would be really appreciated 🙂
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 2, 2020 at 10:59 am
Hey there, so you are essentially a friends with benefits situation but you wanted more. So your issue is that he thinks and knows he could get sex and the other benefits of a relationship from you without actually committing to you. When he agrees to stay friends with you he is still going to have in the back of his mind that he can try to get just sex. You need to start dating casually and let him see you with other guys this is going to get him jealous and realise that someone else is going to give you what you want when he wouldnt
Kylie
May 25, 2020 at 8:25 pm
Hello,
I could really use some advice. I’m very confused. I was friends with my boyfriend for 7 years before dating him and we dated, long-distance, for a year before I broke up with him. We were planning to get married this next year, he was going to propose in a few months, but I had a lot of anxiety in the relationship. We had drama with my family and boundaries with them which caused issues for me/us, but we were still happy together. (He knows all this) I broke up with him because I didn’t know how to handle my anxiety and I needed time to process it and what I wanted. We broke up in January but continued talking as if we were dating until April when I, essentially, cut him off. I kept getting mad at him for no reason, and we talked about it, I didn’t feel safe. We were emotionally intimate without a clear relationship. Nothing was very clear, I was so anxious and wishy-washy about our decisions that finally we talked about getting back together but I decided not to because I needed to sort things out on my own. Before we cut contact he was still saying he wanted to get back together and he missed me. I sorted things out and a month later I sent him a few videos saying I loved him and wanted to get back together, I told him he didn’t have to respond or decide right then. I left it open ended for him. He said he needed time to think about it. 2 weeks went and we texted briefly about little things in our lives. But then 2 weeks later some young men told me I needed to text him and basically, long story short, they told me no guy needs that long and he probably was just figuring out the best way to say no. So I did what they suggested, and he responded and said yes, it’d probably be best for me to move on and he appreciated me letting him know I am ready but he was declining. I talked with my best friend, who is also friends with him, about my feelings and what happened and, unknown to me, she decided to text him. She basically told him she wanted him to talk to me. I had asked him if we could talk, but then I assumed with how cold his response was (saying I should move on and he was “declining”) we weren’t anymore. So I texted him, this was a week after he declined, after I found out and apologized for her texting him. He sent me a ton of texts, very very friendly, laughing and saying he had thought we were still planning to talk but then he thought I’d forgotten. Then he talked about what was going on in his life and then he asked how I’m doing. I don’t know what to do at this point? And what is he doing/thinking? Is he playing a game with me? His texts after my apology text were really really friendly, when he was quite clear previously I should move on. AND he’s deleted our anniversary photos from Facebook. I realize I shouldn’t have texted him and “forced him to decide” about me, but that’s already done and I can’t change that. I was moving on like he told me to, but now his uber friendly texts are confusing me.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
June 15, 2020 at 7:26 pm
Hey Kylie, I think your ex is just being friendly, or putting you in the friendzone. If you are wanting to get him back then you need to start the program with a No Contact and focusing on your Holy Trinity, reading articles about the texting phase and prepare for when it is over for you to reach out
Serena
April 30, 2020 at 10:29 pm
Hi guys,
I met a guy who was really into me and getting to know me, spend time with me, we were good friends and eventually lovers. He would text me all the time, make me feel great and we just were so comfortable together. Problem is, me. I have issues, anxiety and god knows what else, i wanted to keep our thing under wraps for awhile and i ended up pushing him away because i said no to hanging out alot and didnt spend time with him eventhough i really wanted to, I pushed him away rather than let our relationship play out. Eventually he got to a point where he didnt want it anymore, we stopped our thing only to get back again for a few months until frustrations made me push him away again. Now its over, hes done, he doesnt want a relationship with me and just friendship. I can see why but i really didnt want it to end and i really didnt want it to play out how it did. I know i was unfair to him and how crappy it mustve made him feel. I want to show him that im doing what i can to make myself better (because i am) so i can be the version of me he was attracted to and made us so good together. Im following your guidance as best i can with NC and interactions and making myself better through a number of ways, im really trying. Its been a few months and we’ve chatted on friendly terms but thats all. Do I just keep going and trying to build value and rapport again? He has a small group of friends that i know at least one has advised him against me which makes it harder. I can understand why they have this opinion but Im starting to feel like its a lost cause. Is there any chance I can regain his trust and eventual reattraction? I know i cant rewrite the past but i really wish i couldve got a hold of myself back then and acted how i really wanted. Now im just left here angry at myself and lonely for missing what I couldve had.
Kristi
April 25, 2020 at 5:04 am
This is a follow up on the comment I made on this same article on April 12. So my ex ended up reaching out to me at the end of the 30 days (but I think it was promoted by our mutual friends who knew I was wanting an answer from him about the future of our relationship). He basically just said the same thing about how he felt it was best for him to be single. In the text he said he misses me but it was irresponsible of him to get into another relationship while still having his own issues to resolve (I’m guessing with his past relationship of 5 years). I didn’t respond to the text. I plan on doing a longer no contact (probably extending to at least 45 days since I just hit the 30 day mark). He said when he is ready for a relationship he can’t promise me anything and he doesn’t know what he’ll want. Where should I go from here? I really want him back but it seems like there’s not much I can do. I’ve worked on myself a good deal in the last month and I’ve been dedicated to no contact. I think he’s feeling guilt but that doesn’t mean he wants me back. I know I probably can’t change his mind about being single right now because he’s trying to be logical about where he’s at right now I guess. But is it possible for him to want me when he is ready?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 2, 2020 at 12:50 pm
Hi Kristi, so if you work on yourself and use social media to show that you are Ungettable – this is going to make your ex realise that he lost someone great while thinking that single life was better. You do need to complete your full NC regardless of what he has said. But you are right he is trying to remove the guilt feeling he has by reaching out to justify his reason for ending things, but it also shows that it is playing on his mind if he has made the right choice or not. Keep going
Kristi
April 12, 2020 at 5:42 am
Hi Chris,
I dated a guy for about 2.5 months. We got close really fast and he started off not wanting a relationship (He had only been out of his 5 year relationship for about 3 months). He said I changed his mind about not wanting a relationship ship. However, we had fights frequently due to personality differences. We had a big fight before we broke up. We talked things out a day later but he said he needed time to think about things. I gave him a few days of space and he then tells me he realized he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. He said it didn’t have to do with our fighting or his ex. He said he just needed time to be single. He said he still cares for me deeply but doesn’t feel it is right to keep me if he isn’t ready. He told me to “manage my expectations.” We’ve been in no contact for almost 3 weeks. I’ve worked on myself and used social media tactics Chris suggests. Nothing seems to be working. I would appreciate some advice! Thanks !
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 22, 2020 at 12:37 am
Hi Kristi, stick with your NC until you get to 45 days. And in that time focus on your Holy Trinity. As much as you think nothing is working he can still miss you and not reach out to you in that time.
Pia
April 11, 2020 at 8:06 am
Hi, thank you for this insightful post. As I read it I realized my ex has the Peter Pan syndrome. We were together for 1 year and 3 months, we were planning to move in together. My ex is a workaholic, having burnout symptoms and not satisfied with his life. Yet he isn’t ready or too afraid to make changes in his life. This all made him negative, maybe even depressed and caused unecessary arguements since he had difficulties to be present with me and invest in the relationship or perhaps more right way to say it he wasn’t able to give me what I want in a relation. Otherwise our relationship has been great and we enjoy spending time together. I have been understanding and his biggest support, because I have gone through a burnout a few years ago. At the same time I have had standards and boundaries. He started to pull away, said he can’t be in a relationship at the moment since he needs to figure out his life and realized I deserve better, so we broke things off 7 weeks ago. Had a 22 day NC, we have been texting Antero that and he still wants to see me and my dog (very dear to him) as he said while breaking up too. Don’t know why he wants to see me since he has been clear that he doesn’t want to be in contact with any on his previous edes. He wanted to go working out with me some day, that was something we used to do a lot. I dont think it’s a good idea to meet and workout together, since it would remind of the good old days, so I messaged him that I dont think it’s a good idea to spend time together at this point when he still isn’t clear about what he wants and hasn’t figured out his life. He went somehow cold after that, not sure why. I want to keep on working on myself before meeting up with him even though I’ve made a good job so far 🙂 I care for my ex deeply and know he could be the right one for me, but I realize he needs to grow before we can get back together. I guess there’s no way how you can help or guide a man to grow up, or is there?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 14, 2020 at 10:53 pm
Hi Pia, no there is no way you can make someone do something they dont want to do. What you can do is follow the ungettable information and use social media to give him a window into your life where he feels he has missed out on you because he refuses to grow up
Hannah
April 10, 2020 at 2:42 pm
My 38 year old boyfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. We’re stuck quarantining as we live together with my two children from a previous marriage. My children are only here half the year due to shared custody. So they’re not really a problem between us and he has a great relationship with them.
We were on and off for 2 years. A lot of commitment phobe Behaviors and then finally we moved in together a year an a half ago. He’s always been a loner and seclusive. But it got worse with him experiencing ED and always checking out. He would never bring up problems with me but when I brought them up with him he would immediately go to breaking up.
As much as I want to be back with him I’m scared of getting hurt again or putting myself out there. During the break-up he wavered between being in love, not being in love, just feeling like he’s “here”. Or telling me he’s only done all this to make me happy. My birthday was a few days ago and he got me an expensive gift , no mention a breakup. I’m just confused, bewildered, and I feel trapped. I can’t even leave the house.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 14, 2020 at 7:38 pm
Hi Hannah, I would suggest that you follow the rules of Limited NC while you are stuck in the house together. If is quick to suggest breaking up when you fall out over matter its could just be his fight or flight mentality, and his reaction is to run each time. I would look up couple therapists local to you, or an online one. And see if this helps you both learn how to communicate positively even when things are bothering you
H
April 9, 2020 at 10:51 am
Hi. My ex broke up with me about two months ago saying he doesnt want a relationship and that he had lost feelings. However, now we have been talking and he is very sweet to me. Flirting is not only superficial, he also cares and asks me if my texts seem a little off. He no longer lives in my city as we have completed our studies. There were a few times he said “love you” or that he misses me. what should i be doing?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 9, 2020 at 9:48 pm
It sounds as if you are making good progress, move on to phone calls or skype calls if you can. Get him investing time into talking to you and when the covid19 pandemic is over arrange a meet up as you are long distance this needs to be somewhere you can not fall into a sex situation. So fun and public
Desperate Ali
April 3, 2020 at 3:48 pm
Hi so I was with this guy for one and half years, we broke up. About 7 months later we started talking as friends and before you know it we became friends with benefit. We were friends with benefit for more than a year, we would argue like a couple and act like a couple but he would always says he’s not ready to settle down. Fast forward to a week ago we had a argument and I told him I don’t think I can be his friend with benefit because my feelings for him are more than that. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me so we should stop and be friends because he doesn’t want a relationship. This is after he told me he loves me but isn’t in a good place to settle down and in his words he’s going through a selfish phase. I broke the no contact rule today, I want him back but I also want him to commit. During no contact he seems so happy. I don’t want to do no contact and lose him, but I don’t want to be his friend because I want more than that. I don’t know what to do, please help
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 12, 2020 at 8:47 am
Hi Ali, so the issue when you let someone have the friends with benefits situation they think that sex with you is possible out of a relationship. So the key is that you DO NOT HAVE SEX unless you are in a relationship, no matter what, no matter if he confesses his undying love for you, until he is your boyfriend NO sex. You can follow the Ungettable information and apply this to your life while you do the texting phase, you have said you broke NC today – but did you do 30 days solid of NC without watching his social media etc? If not then extend and complete your NC fully before starting the texting phase
Kelly
April 3, 2020 at 2:23 am
My boyfriend of 3 years blind sided me with a break up because he fell out of love with me and wanted space/time for himself and work. We were starting to casually look at houses together. We saw each other once a week, with quarantining it got harder to see him and I admitted that not seeing him made me insecure and more dependent. He said our relationship got boring and too steady too soon as we are in out mid 20’s. He told me he still can see me being in his future long term, he still loves me but not in the same way and could never love another woman and that is not his intentions for leaving me. However, he also told me not to wait around for him while he ‘finds himself’ but to trust him in that maybe in a few months we can work it out. I have mixed signals on if he is just trying to be nice about the breakup or really can see himself coming back to me/us. My quiz score of getting back together was a 72%. My fear is someone else can easily give him that new excitement and lust that obviously faded for us after three years. I started No Contact which I plan to hold that for 30 days and also started a Recovery Narrative Journal. I know my situation is not unique but I would love any bit of direction through this.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 9, 2020 at 11:31 pm
Hi Kelly by the sounds of things you are doing the right things already, look up the Holy Trinity and use that information to apply to your own life so that will help you
NC
April 1, 2020 at 9:14 am
This story is so similar to what I went through. I was in a relationship with this guy for about 6 months. We had a great connection. Things would get intimate but he wouldn’t get an erection (he was 21 with not a lot of experience). I ofc didn’t make a big deal about it. Supported him and told him that it’s normal because it’s new to him and he’s probably nervous about it. He was a little self-conscious and every time he brought it up, I would say things like “babe it’ll be okay, don’t stress about it too much. I really am not even worried about it.”
One night I sent him a pic to heat things up and we spent hours texting that night… we decided to meet the next day and give it another try! when I drove to his place the next day, prepared and everything, he was acting so weird. I asked him what’s up and he said “I like you, I am attracted to you, but I am insecure and we are not compatible. I don’t think we will be happy in the long-run” and then he broke up with me… After couple days I asked him to talk to me and answer my questions (I really needed closure). I met him and he said “I do not want a relationship.” I was so emotional at that moment and kept asking him why he didn’t want to be with me, then he said “you are negative, you give me negative energy, I don’t want to be in a realtionship with a depressed person, dating you is like walking on eggshells. I do not have the enough feelings for you to keep this relationship going. You are not worth it.” I was so surprised to hear all these because during our relationship he always told me how much he liked and appreciated me; he always told me that he loves how I get along with his friends and family. He treated my family and friends nicely. Every single thing he said or did showed me that he wanted to be with me, and now he says that I make him feel negative? Immediately after our conversation, I started my NC. I am on day 29/30 now and I am not ready to talk to him. Everything he told me during the BU really cut me deep. My confidence and ego were hurt really bad. Now that I feel so much better, I don’t think I have forgiven him yet. I don’t know whether I should message him or not. I do not know whether I want someone, who thinks I am worthless, back. He’s a great guy and I wish he gave us another chance, but if he doesn’t feel that I worth anything to him, then why should I even waste my time? I really liked him (don’t know if I still do), I was falling for him, but I will never forget the things that he told me… what do you suggest me to do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 12, 2020 at 7:01 pm
Hey there, so the things he said I think were hurtful to make you accept he was ending the relationship and he got overly emotional. I also thing the fact he was having trouble getting an erection is going to affect his mental state massively and he also needed to “blame” something or someone (you) for this too. So to say that you are making him walk on eggshells, this usually means that you would be going off into a mood, or arguing with him often. If this is not the case then I wouldn’t take what he said person it was more of a lashing out. It sounds as if you are doing great getting over the break up even though the words are still hurting you, as they would anyone. I suggest that you extend the NC to 45 days and see how you feel by then, but at this moment in time, to me it does not sound as if you want to be in a relationship with him again, it sounds as if you are just hurt
A
March 29, 2020 at 4:51 pm
Hi, what a great episode!
I have a question in this topic. I started dating a guy in January, you know, early stages, getting to know each other, but overall – a great connection, we were talking for hours etc. Really similar interests, always having good time together. We had a discussion to take things slow, because we met recently, but we both agreed on spending time together, having lunches (we share work enivronment), hanging out, doing sleepovers, kissing, holding hands. I want to mention that he initiated it – he started asking me out, texting etc. One day he came to my place to tell me that he’s not in a good place in his life, it’s really stressful etc (he also moved to my country at the beginning of the year, so I understand the stress and confusion, I’ve been there myself). And that he’s totally into me, but he needs to take time to put his s*it together. So I respected it. We stopped hanging out in privacy, we didn’t text (we exchange some messages, but casual). We were seeing each other everyday because of work. And I got some mixed signals – he was always waiting for me when I was leaving the room, talking, asking if he should come for my presentation the other day… It was confusing. And I guess that was my mistake, because I’m a really bubbly and smiley person and generally – I’m always nice to people. So I was always chatting with him, acting normally, asking how he’s doing. And one day, while walking to our building, out of the blue he asked to stop flirting with him. I was shocked. He started mumbling about how this is awkward etc. I got confused even more. He couldn’t fully articulate himself so I just told him that I was just being nice to him and that’s it and that I feel used a bit. Later that day, he send me a long text that he cares about me but he can’t be in relationship mostly because he’s not in a good place. But he wants to be friends and he likes me. And that was the day I started NC. I’m going strong for 3 weeks now, but I realised – I do want to reset the things between us, because I want to be friends and be normal – but I also want for it to evolve into something more. He didn’t contact me directly (no texts for this 3 weeks), just in work environment making tiny comments sometimes like “A., come on, you know it!” or “A. probably knows better”. I know it’s a short time and we don’t know each other for long, but I want to fix it… And taking into consideration current situation (quarantine, being separated) – is it ok to reach out after 3 weeks or suck it up a bit more? Please help. I really like him and I just want to try again…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 8, 2020 at 9:46 am
Hi A, so I would say that you need to complete a full 30 days NC and then reach out to start the texting phase
Marie
March 28, 2020 at 9:57 pm
Hi, what a great episode!
I have a question in this topic. I started dating a guy in January, you know, early stages, getting to know each other, but overall – a great connection, we were talking for hours etc. Really similar interests, always having good time together. We had a discussion to take things slow, because we met recently, but we both agreed on spending time together, having lunches (we share work enivronment), hanging out, doing sleepovers, kissing, holding hands. I want to mention that he initiated it – he started asking me out, texting etc. One day he came to my place to tell me that he’s not in a good place in his life, it’s really stressful etc (he also moved to my country at the beginning of the year, so I understand the stress and confusion, I’ve been there myself). And that he’s totally into me, but he needs to take time to put his s*it together. So I respected it. We stopped hanging out in privacy, we didn’t text (we exchange some messages, but casual). We were seeing each other everyday because of work. And I got some mixed signals – he was always waiting for me when I was leaving the room, talking, asking if he should come for my presentation the other day… It was confusing. And I guess that was my mistake, because I’m a really bubbly and smily person and generally – I’m always nice to people. So I was always chatting with him, acting normally, asking how he’s doing. And one day, while walking to our building, out of the blue he asked to stop flirting with him. I was shocked. He started mumbling about how this is awkward etc. I got confused even more. He couldn’t fully articulate himself so I just told him that I was just being nice to him and that’s it and that I feel used a bit. Later that day, he send me a long text that he cares about me but he can’t be in relationship mostly because he’s not in a good place. But he wants to be friends and he likes me. And that was the day I started NC. I’m going strong for 3 weeks now, but I realised – I do want to reset the things between us, because I want to be friends and be normal – but I also want for it to evolve into something more. He didn’t contact me directly (no texts for this 3 weeks), just in work environment making tiny comments sometimes like “Marie, come on, you know it!” or “Marie probably knows better”. I know it’s a short time and we don’t know each other for long, but I want to fix it… And taking into consideration current situation (quarantine, being separated) – is it ok to reach out after 3 weeks or suck it up a bit more? Please help. I really like him and I just want to try again…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 31, 2020 at 12:57 am
Hey Marie, so you need to complete the NC and stick to the program, you are allowed to speak about c19 when you are in the texting phase but you need to avoid breaking nc to check on them. Look into the type of texts that chris suggests doing for your first contact after NC
Meryam
March 27, 2020 at 7:23 pm
Hi Chris,
Some of the things mentioned here don’t seem to apply to me as I had a relationship that was mostly long distance. We were ‘seeing’ each other for 6 months, and then he asked me to meet him overseas. I went there, we seemed to hit it off within a day and we got intimate the second night .. we were a couple for roughly a month, things seemed perfect – he was literally amazing with saying he loved me and talking to me everyday.. For a month.. until suddenly.. within a few (2-3) days he stopped saying it – I noticed And commented after the third or fourth time.. then he asked for space .. went completely MiA for nearly two weeks no explanation .. n then broke up with me over a long text.. in which he said three main thingS.. that he thought he wasn’t ready, that lately he hadn’t felt the same energy and spark for me , that he thought it was unfair I loved him.. while he didn’t to same extent.. the rest was how he’d always respect me and care and be around if I wanted him to. (But essentially, we can maybe be friends but I don’t think so & good luck with ur life is how I read it.)
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 29, 2020 at 12:06 pm
Hi Meryam, it is quite common for a LDR to lose its “spark” after a while as it is difficult when you do not get to see each other often. I would suggest that you follow the program as this going to be giving you a great chance of getting him back, the more you can get him to invest in talking to you and then possibly phone calls, skype and eventually meeting up again. But I would suggest that you get him to come to you going forward as he is then investing into you this way. I would also consider the future of this relationship, would it last long term, was there a possibility of one of you moving to the other country?
B
March 27, 2020 at 3:01 pm
Recently my boyfriend of 6 months said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. He wants us to take a break and just be friends. He said he doesn’t want to give me false hope but maybe one day eventually we can try it again but for right now he doesn’t want any sort of relationship with anybody, he thinks he wasn’t ready for a new relationship.
I currently live with him so the no contact is a little difficult, but we do sleep in different rooms now. He constantly says he cares for me and if I move out he’s going to be sad and really miss me. It hurts a lot to know that he’s right there and I want to be closer to him and he’s giving mixed signals and being more attentive now then in the relationship.
I want to try a relationship with him again especially because we are talking better about our feelings now than we did in the relationship
Please help, I’m seriously heart broken right now
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 29, 2020 at 12:34 pm
Hi B, he just needs some space right now so allow him to have that space. Let him miss you – do not be his friend. If you want a relationship with him then you can not be friends (unless he was to meet someone else in that time, then we implement the being there method). For now though work on your Holy Trinity and become Ungettable so that he regrets losing you from his life
Pamela
March 23, 2020 at 7:04 pm
Hey Guys – love your posts!! So got a text from my ex (he dumped me), we’ve been broken up for 3 months, I followed all your advice – becoming UG, NC ect and he finally messaged. We spoke normally for a bit then he brought up the break up, He said he ended things because he felt it was the best thing for us, but not because he didn’t want to be with me? – mind F. Is this another way of saying it’s not you it’s me?/he things grass is greener? I haven’t replied to his message and not sure what to do tbh, was doing really well in my recovery.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 23, 2020 at 10:18 pm
Hi Pamela, you stayed in No Contact for three months? If you want your ex back then start the texting phase but ignore his comment about ending things because he thought it was best. Try to avoid emotional conversations
Rachel
March 22, 2020 at 8:56 pm
Thank you Chris. that is very informative.
I have a question,that’s been bothering me for a while.What does it mean when your ex tells you upon breakup that they do love you and have not lost interest,but they are not interested in a relationship with you at the moment. This is after having hurt them and him saying he is finding it difficult to forgive me.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 23, 2020 at 11:06 pm
Hi Rachel, I am sorry to say it like this. He has basically said “It’s not you, its me”. Stick to the plan if you want to get them back