There’s this guy I dated last year. He was different from any man I’ve ever dated. I didn’t like him when I first met him. His voice was annoying and he clearly had reasons for asking me out in the first place that weren’t exactly kosher. You see, before me, he had run through.
I realized this later when I got to know his friends. One of them told me about his past girlfriends, so I knew going forward the kind of person I was seeing. So I wasn’t surprised when he turned out to be just as awful as his friend warned me he would be.
After we had been together for six months and I had kind of started to believe that thing that every single girl believes in that situation.
Maybe he is just are different with me. He decided to break things off the only way he knew how. He gave me the same excuses he had given what I can only guess were many women before me.
Lucky for me, I was expecting it to happen eventually, even if I had momentarily hoped that things would work out. But the thing is, he had started laying the groundwork for a new relationship long before he broke things off with me with the girl he’s still with today.
Needless to say, I feel a little bit like “Good Luck Chuck” sometimes when I think about it. But the thing is, when he told me every line in the book to break things off, he never once said anything close to the truth, the fact that there was someone else he was interested in.
I had EVERY right to be angry when I realized, “I need space”, “I just don’t want a serious relationship right now”, and “I really need to focus on x,y, and z right now” were all just him trying to push me away to make room for this new girl. ( I’ve met her. She’s actually really great.)
Out of the whole relationship, though, I had made some incredible friends. So, we were stuck in the same friend-group. I know that he was expecting me to just sever the friendships and walk away, but my friends weren’t about to let that happen.
So, I opted to keep the friendships no matter how awkward it made things. I wasn’t mad at him even though I probably should have been, but I wasn’t.
When he realized I wasn’t just going to roll over and be destroyed by the fact that he dumped me for someone else, He made every effort to ruin my life and to make me feel as if he hated me. I actually felt sorry for the new girl for a bit because he was expending so much energy on hating me that I’m sure she felt it on her end.
He even banned me from friend gatherings. Now, that, well, that kind of sucked.
The crazy part is, I haven’t really spoken to him in a year and he is still trying to keep up with what is going on in my life. I start doing something new, and there he is trolling my Snapchats and LinkedIn, since he doesn’t have access anywhere else. If I wanted him back, I’d post a lot more online, I think.
But that breakup turned out to be a good thing for me. Seeing him be a jerk made me realize that he was not who I thought he was.
Now, I’m not telling you this because I want you to make the same decisions I did. Odds are, your ex didn’t go into your relationship planning to treat you poorly like mine did.
I tell you this because I have never truly been hated by anyone. Having someone that acted like he cared for close to half of a year treat me as if I had somehow wronged him simply because I refused to let him steamroll over me would have been heartbreaking if I had ever let myself fall for him.
Heck, I’m not saying it didn’t hurt. It was like having your best friend gut punch you on the playground after they told you they had another best friend. It’s not easy, even when you know it’s coming.
So, I can imagine, being blindsided by it at all isn’t fun either.
From Love to Hate
So what changed? How did he go from caring to hating you?
I mean, clearly he cared about you at some point, but now you are dealing with him saying hateful things:
“I hate you.”
“I never really loved you.”
“I don’t love you anymore.”
“You mean nothing to me.”
“Don’t ever talk to me again.”
The list goes on I’m sure. We have women come to the Recovery Pro Facebook Page and tell us every day the horrible things their exes have said to them before, during, and after a breakup. Most of them are downright vicious.
A lot of them ask us what that means. Why would someone who cared for 6 months, a year, 3 years, or even longer say such hateful things?
Well, today is your lucky day, because we’re going to dig into why this happens to so many women, and I’m sure men too on some level. But today we are talking about you and why your ex boyfriend suddenly felt the urge to lash out at you.
The good news is, it most likely has absolutely nothing to do with anything you have done. So… YAY!
The bad news is he’s pushing you away for some reason and you are probably dying to figure out why.
There is only one way you will ever find out the answer… patience. It’ll be difficult, but it’ll definitely be worth it.
What’s a Girl to Do?
Well, right now I’m sure your brain is jumping to all sorts of conclusions and it’s coming up with all sorts of over-the-top solutions. That’s completely normal. But I’m going to tell you something that sounds a little odd.
Your brain can be your worst enemy right now, not just because you are probably overthinking everything. It will tell you to do some pretty outrageous stuff to get him back and most of them will just hurt your case.
Have you ever set an alarm in the morning for something really important, only to have your mind work the noise into your dream giving you a few extra hours that it thinks you need?
What I’m saying is that your brain isn’t’ always right. In this case, you’re probably asking yourself What do you do now that your ex who supposedly cared for you is putting all of his energy into hating you?
Right now your ex might hate you simply because you aren’t making walking away easy. Maybe you were surprised by his need to pull away. In my experience and from what I know of other people, the worst thing you can do when someone wants to leave is to try to force them to stay.Just like magnets, if you change one’s direction and try to push them together, the other will be repelled.
Now, I’m guessing you don’t want to repel your ex. In fact, since you found yourself here at this site I’m going to assume you want him back.
First thing’s first. you have to fight every single natural urge that you think will get him back.You know you’ve had those thoughts.
You know you’ve had those thoughts. You’ll be getting coffee and you’ll think, “I could get him one and drop it off at his work. It’ll be a reason to see him and he’ll be grateful.”
From where he’s sitting, it’ll make you seem desperate, and slightly stalkery.
Love is funny. We tend to try to love the people in our lives the way we like to be loved. If we desire compliments, then we tend to dole them out easier, If we desire texts, then we tend to text more. So when we want someone to come back and be close to us, we tend to smother them a bit. We try to get them to come back the way we would want someone to try to win us back. But, the only way to get him back is to make him think it was his idea. And the only way to do that is to get through No Contact.
A lot of times after a break-up, the women that come to us have already given in to the urges they’ve had to try to get him back. They end up chasing their ex and driving them away. That need to know thing your feeling right now will drive you to want to understand why he’s angry. I get it. You want to feel like you are doing something productive to make that happen.
Do you want to know a secret?
It doesn’t matter why he’s angry.
You can get him back without knowing why he’s acting this way at all.
In fact, in most cases, anger is just a tool he’s using to push you away.
This is where that patience comes in. Once you get him back and he is hopelessly in love with you again… then you can bring it up casually in a normal conversation after you’ve been back together for a while. But for now, let’s just focus on getting him back.
Have you ever tried to get a child to do something he didn’t want to do? If you have, then you know that you can’t be direct about it. You have to peak his interest. In the same way, No Contact creates an air of mystery. In this case, I would suggest a 30-45 day No Contact Period, just to give him time to cool down.
During that time you are going to become your best self. You are going to enjoy life, go out with friends, and post pictures to your social media.All the while, you will not respond to any attacks from him at all.
No Contact means no contact at all. No texts. No phone calls. No long heartfelt letters. This is the time to fight those instincts and stick to what we’ve laid out for you with the ExBoyfriend Recovery Program. Read more about No Contact here.
It can be the most difficult part of getting your ex back, but it is also the most effective.. If you can get through that part, then the rest of the program is fairly simple.
Just look at Sarah Michelle’s story. Her ex told her they were never getting back together. Boy, was he wrong!
Even she had some trouble getting through No Contact and it took her a few tries to get it right, she had such great success that Chris invited her to share her story with us. You see, sticking to No Contact didn’t just get her boyfriend back, it did so much more than that.
Doing No Contact properly will have him wondering what you’re doing without him.
In Sarah Michelle’s case, he was begging her to come back before she could even get all the way through No Contact.
I will give you a little advice to make No Contact a little easier, though, especially if your ex is lashing out at you.
Did you ever watch “Lost”?
In what I think was the very first episode, Jack tells Kate a story about his past to calm her down so she can handle suturing up a wound he got when their plane crashed.You see, he was a surgeon and he messed up a surgery on a girl’s spine that could have been catastrophic. It had been a long procedure and he had accidentally shredded the base of her spine. As you can imagine he was terrified.
Now, I know it’s fiction, but the way he said he dealt with the fear was by getting through 5 seconds at a time. Now, 5 seconds is a bit small for me, so I’m going to suggest 30 minute or an hour. If you can make if through the next hour not responding to him, then you can get through any hour without giving in to the urge to respond.
If you need something more tangible, you can always do what I’d do. I would set a countdown on my phone for the day that No Contact is done. There is one called “Countdown” in Itunes that is free. I use it regularly. Anytime you feel like giving into the ideas your brain has, all you have to do is look at the countdown and remind yourself, “I’ve made it this far, can make it a day longer.
Get Started Now
So, what am I trying to say?
The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be through No Contact. You just have to ignore the fact that he’s angry, even if you think you did something to deserve it. You won’t get the chance to fix it if you don’t get him to be a part of your life again. You won’t achieve that by driving him away. So take the tips I’ve laid out and apply them to your situation.
- Don’t give into overthinking. It’ll just have you doing things that will work against you.
- No Contact. No Contact. No Contact.
- Just get through the next 30 minutes without reaching out to him, then start the next 30 minutes.
- Set yourself a countdown on your phone. It makes the time feel less like forever.
- Keep living your life and make it better. This creates a sense of intrigue on his end and ensures that things won’t just go back to the way they were. I mean, clearly he wasn’t happy with the way things were going.
Feel free to let us know how your No Contact is going in the comments below. We’d also be happy to answer any questions you might have and give you guidance along the way. If you’ve bought the book, be sure to oin us on our Private Facebook Page. We have quite a community over there that doubles not only as a way for us to connect with you, but as a way for you to get the support you need quickly.
You’ve got this.