What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

Breaking Down Your Ex Boyfriends Behavior After The Breakup (Live Coaching Session)

Lately I have been doing a lot of “Facebook Lives” where I let my private Facebook group ask me anything they want.

It’s kind of crazy.

In just a span of 30 minutes over 68 questions came in asking me all sorts of things.

Don’t believe me?

Well, here’s proof,

Oh, and in case you were wondering my wife helps me go through the comments to make sure everyone gets answered (she has the comments pictured above.)

Anyways, as I was answering the viewers comments I realized something pretty interesting.

Each of the questions had a common thread connecting them.

Care to guess at what that common thread was?

Every woman was wondering why her ex boyfriend was acting the way he was acting.

Crazy, right?

And that’s when I realized something.

For about a month I have been holding something back from you.

A live coaching session where a woman named Stella is wondering the exact same thing that the people on my Facebook Live were wondering,

“Why the hell is he acting this way?”

Out of all the people I have ever interviewed I have to say Stella has one of the trickiest situations.

But First… A Question

What would you do if you had a sister who your ex was falling for?

Would you be mad at him?

Ok, now what would you do if your sister reciprocated your exes feelings?

Well, without further ado I give you Stella!

Interview Transcript

  • Ok Stella. Alright we’re live.

  • Alright, awesome!

  • So, I guess I want to first off–because I don’t even know this. So, how did you find the website exactly?

  • Google!

  • Google. So, you went to Google, you typed in?

  • I typed in like how to fix things or basically something online of like how to fix things with your ex or how to get him back after a recent break up or something like that.

  • Got it! And was the website you popped–because it’s just for my own personal stroking of the ego. The websites that popped up, did you visit any of them before mine or was mind the first one to come up and you just kind of got sucked in from there?

  • I visited a couple of them but all of them just kind of listed of the–wait. Can I swear?

  • Yeah, you can!

  • Alright. So, all of them just listed of the exact same bulls*** that like it just makes absolutely no sense at all to do. It’s like “Oh just try to do this!” And like, “Be more confident.” I’m like, “Ok, but how do I get more confident?”

  • Right. There’s no technical details for exactly how you need to do that kind of stuff.

  • Exactly. So, it’s just kind of like they list of all this things. It’s like, yeah that makes sense but you’re not telling me how to apply any of this things. And then I ended up going back because I kind of like did this click on a link and then go back, click on a link, go back. And then I found yours and it had like full in depth articles and I really liked that about it.

  • Well, I’m glad that you stopped by the website and I’m glad that you are on the podcast now. So, for those of you who are listening. Stella here, she reached out to me, wanting to be featured on the and I–I have to say you picked the exact perfect time because I am usually booked up for interviews but I was like, lately kind of like, I should probably do more of this life coaching type things. And it was literally that day that I was kind of planning to look around people that you had emailed me.

    So, it was a happy coincidence but obviously you are here because you’re going through a break up. So, let’s just stop my own personal ego stroking and help you out now. So, before we get started, let’s just give everyone listening an idea of your situation and I will go from there.

  • Ok, so my boyfriend and I had actually been friends for about 3 or 4 years before we started dating. And then we started dating at Grade 12 and it was April of that year and in actually one of my friend’s birthdays. In that year, it was just kind of like almost everyday we would see each other all the time. So, we were still in high school so, we saw each other every single day. We also had night school classes together on Wednesdays nights. So, we saw each other on Wednesday night as well and we hang out after school and all this stuff and then as soon as as summer hit, I went away for a camp because I was with cadets and so I went away to start this camp. And when I came back, it’s just kind of like something has shifted

  • I can really hook into that because I had my first serious type–well, at that time, I’m much older  now. But I had a serious relationship with a girl when I was a Senior in high school, exactly your age. And she went away–so, we dated  9 months in total. So, in the summer, she went away on this camp and when she got back, things were completely different. It was like something has changed. So, I can definitely relate to that. I’m sure a lot of people listening can relate to that but obviously you’re not broken up with him yet. Right, at this point?

  • No. Not yet. At that point, over the summer a lot had happened. We weren’t able to talk that much because for me it was a cadet camp. So, we weren’t really allowed to be on our cellphones a lot much and I didn’t have much access on the internet. So, it was just kind of a summer where I sent him a couple of letters and we talk a little bit by texting each night. We’d say goodnight. We’d say good morning in the morning but it wasn’t really that much contact. And then after the summer, I came back home and he just seemed different. Like he just seemed like he doesn’t want to be that much close to me whereas when we were in Grade 12, he was always the one initiating contact and he was always the one asking me to do things and then after that it was always me doing things. And I started trying a lot harder to keep the relationship going. We actually lasted all the way past through first year of University in college and he broke up with me the summer after our first year.

  • So, you were together for two years in total?

  • For a year and a half approximately. So, we broke in August, like just this summer, just this past. So, it was August 21st. And that’s where things started getting really complicated and messy. There was a lot of things that kind of led up to that break up but my ex, like the ex before him started contacting me again and asking me to be friends with benefits with him and basically asking me to cheat on my boyfriend and help him cheat on his girlfriend at that time and it just got really complicated. And I would tell my boyfriend about that because I want to be as open as possible and just seemed like he was really angry. And he just didn’t like the fact that this guy is coming back in my life which makes complete sense.

    But that kind of started creating a rift because of the fact that this things were happening and then one of that guy’s ex girlfriends ended up contacting me. She made a whole Youtube video about this guy and how horrible he was. And I was like, “Ok. You can use my name in this video. I don’t care.” Because he’s a cheat and he’s a liar and all that stuff. So, she just decided to make a video about him And then I ended up talking to my ex about it and he just kind of turned it into like raised issue. I don’t understand why it’s about against him because my ex is Asian and the guy before that who was like a complete opposite assh*** is white. And he’s jsut like, “Why is this guy, who is just a complete assh*** gets all the girls and I got nobody and I’m like the nicest guy ever?” I’m like, “Dude, you’re just completely disregarding my emotions about this thing and talking about yourself.

  • Well, also he still has you at this point right?

  • Yeah, and I was like, that kind of made me take a step back and at this point, my relationship before that had actually been a little bit of an emotional–One, I just wasn’t used to just talking back and standing up for myself. I just feel like, “Ok, you don’t like talking about this topic, so I just won’t talk about it.” And that ended up pointing to a lot of things in our relationship where I found that he didn’t like talking about something. So, I would stop talking about it but then it ended up bottling inside of me because I could never express my true emotions towards him about it. And then it got to this to point in the relationship where I actually started to express things but I was feeling very insecure. Because he was like, instead of hanging out with me, he would hang out with his friends and I just felt him pulling away from me. So, that classic I cling on and he pulls away type thing.

  • Ok, yeah. It was sort of a push pull type thing there.  You’re trying to pull him in, he’s trying to push you away. So, it’s like sort of the more you pull him in, the more he’s just trying to get away.

  • So, I don’t know if you guys have but the legal drinking age here in Canada is 19.

  • 21 here but yeah.

  • So, there’s actually been a couple of instance where we had been at parties and I was really upset about thing so I ended up drinking a little bit too much and then I’d end up exploding on him. All this things that I’ve been keeping away from. I ended up exploding on him and him instead of trying to deal with any of it, he just ran away from the situation. He wouldn’t talk about it. He wouldn’t want to fix things.

    Even when like we were both sober. And so it just kind of became really complicated in that sense and it got too much for him and I guess at that point in the relationship it was really unhealthy. And so he ended up leaving in August. And so it was kind of like a really messy thing that happened. I was at this sleepover party that was at one of my friend’s house’s and we just kind went down to the basement to talk and I have anxiety.

    So, they knew what was happening. So, I started having an anxiety attack right there in the basement and he didn’t know how to deal with it and I think that kind of played into the fact that him–like just reinforcing his idea of not wanting to be with me because I was freaking out like that. And then we didn’t talk after that. It was like two days later is when I found your website.

  • Ok.

  • So, I started implementing the 30 day no contact rule and then I just didn’t talk to him for I think it was about 20 days but because of the fact that we’ve been friends for so long, there was this mutual events that we got invited to.

    And one of this events we were both there and when we were both there, he started flirting with me and basically like looking at me as if he wanted to kiss me but he’s restraining himself.

    And I was like ok,whatever. I’ll just try to not escalate the situation. But then by the end of the night he ended up kissing me and saying, “Oh, I missed you so much.” And that’s when he asked for the open relationship.

  • An open relationship, so was he dating other people at this point when he’s asking for an open relationship?

  • No, he hadn’t dated anyone. I’ve gone on a date with somebody and we were both on Tinder at this point but he hadn’t actually gone on a date with anyone. He even like showed me his Tinder app. He had no matches except for me because he found me on Tinder and like the day before that–

  • Your ex had no matches on Tinder?

  • Yeah, he had none. And I had like 30.

  • Ok.

  • But yeah–

  • Classic Grass is greener syndrome you know? Except Tinder almost speeds it up. It’s like he’s thinking, “Oh, I can do better than her.” And then all of a sudden he gets no matches on Tinder and it’s sort of like, “Wait, what did I just do?”

  • Exactly and then during that get together he knew the password to my phone because I didn’t change it. So, he got into my phone and he deleted my Tinder because he got jealous.

  • Wow! Ok, you better change that password going forward. I hope you had at least.

  • I have. I have changed it. He deleted my Tinder and then he went onto his phone and deleted his. And then that’s when he kissed me and he’s like, “Oh, I missed you so much.” And then he like went and talked to my sister and then he came and he got me and he was talking about me and my sister. He was like, “What would you think of like an open relationship between me and like my sister and him.” So, it was like a three way one. I was like this is strange.

  • Yeah, let’s stop right here. So, your sister, your biological sister?

  • Yes.

  • So, I’m wondering if he has–this will sound really weird–but some weird fetish?

  • That’s kind of like what I was questioning too but I don’t really know.

  • Like, oh, you know I guess we could talk privately. I don’t know what the rules are, since I am posting this to Itunes. I don’t know if I can talk too much about like porn. But there’s some weird porn fetishes out there where maybe–I don’t know what are his circumstances but that’s a very strange thing to ask and it’s an immediate red flag.

  • Yeah, that’s kind of what I was thinking too but at that time I was just like, I was desperate and I was just–

  • Well, it’s understandable. You’re going through the break up and I’ve stated multiple times, it’s essentially like you’re going through a withdrawal period where you’re addicted to cocaine, you’re going through withdrawal. It’s the same exact type of physical thing that’s happening to you. So, it’s understandable why you’re desperate to agree to something like this. But let’s ask the next question. So, your sister, was she aware of this?

  • Yes. That’s why he had pulled her aside and was talking to her separately before that. And then he pulled me into the conversation. It was like what would you think of this? And at first, I was like very reluctant. I totally like–because we jokingly around had said things like that before but I guess like he’s like, “Oh, you’ve said before.” I’m like, “I wasn’t serious!”

  • I’m definitely thinking he’s got some weird fetish for sure.

  • Yeah, but another thing is he’s a little bit of a people pleaser and he knew that my sister liked him.

  • Ok, well I still think-

  • It’s just strange.

  • It’s so far out of–during your relationship with him, did this–so, you mentioned it came a couple of times but it was a sort of a joking type of thing.

  • Yes. Both my sister and him are very flirtatious people. So, they would kind of like jokingly flirt with each other.

  • Well, it’s interesting they’ve done studies specifically on flirting like, when men and women flirt, how women take it completely differently how men take it. So, women–men take it when a woman’s flirting with them–sometimes when women flirt, they’re not actually flirting.

    They’re just being themselves. Men take it like a step further. I’m wondering if that’s what’s happening here and it sparks the–maybe the fetish was already there and it sparked the idea and he just sort of, he ran with it. Did your sister–she didn’t agree to this obviously because I know you broke up soon there after or–

  • Yeah, we kind of tried that–it lasted not even two weeks before my sister just–she’s saw how like actually upset I was and she also was unhappy.

  • So, he wants to date you and your sister at the same time?

  • And where he ended up explaining to me, there’s this anime called Re:zero. I don’t if you’ve ever heard of it.

  • Yeah, believe or not, I’m a nerdy. I’ve never heard of that one but I definitely know Anime.

  • So, Re:zero is a recent one. It’s fairly new and we’re all kind of anime watchers. And so we were all watching this Anime and in it he ended up turning to me once we were hanging out and he looked at me and it was like, “You want to know what you and I are? Amanda is Rem and you are Emilia.”

    And in this Anime, Emilia is like the main girl that the main character he like absolutely loves her and he does everything for her and he keeps turning back time to save her life. And Rem is a girl that he just wants by his side to help him with the task. It’s like someone that he likes a little bit more than a friend but not he doesn’t them. And that’s how he explained it to me. And I was like, “Oh, ok?” It’s kind of strange.

  • It’s definitely a red flag. So, let’s continue the story. I think this current knowledge, we’ll come back to it later. So, obviously this open relationship didn’t last.

  • No, it didn’t last because since I was unhappy with him. My sister sensed I was unhappy with it and she was like, “I can’t do this.” So, she ended up saying like, “No, that’s it.” And then he said that like he didn’t want it either after that. So, basically it was like if she’s out, could we still try and he’s just like, “I don’t know if I”m ready for a serious relationship right now.”

  • Ok, alright. Is that where we are right now?

  • No, not quite. And then we kind of stopped talking again until October 9th which is Canadian thanksgiving or just before Canadian thanksgiving. And we had  a group, this group of guys which is our mutual friend. It’s my sister’s friends and two of highschool friends and then their friends. And they all came over and he was one of them.

    And it’s basically like the same thing again. Like he sat right behind me when I was sitting on the floor playing 15:40  and he was like playing with my hair and then he started typing on my phone and he was just like, “Oh, my family wanted you to come over for Thanksgiving. I hadn’t told them that we broke up.”

    And I was like, “Dude, it’s been like two months. So, you never told them? What?” And then he’s just going through this whole thing and he was like, “Oh, I’ve missed you so much.” And then he was like can we talk privately? So, we both went upstairs because we’re in the basement. We went upstairs to talk and he said that, “I love you and I missed you so much. I don’t know if I can change but all I know is I don’t want you just not try anymore.” And then I told him, it was like, I can’t just say yes, “I need you to prove that you’re not just going to change your mind and leave again.”

    And he was like, “Oh ok and then he tried for like 3 days.” And then he went back to me trying to initiate everything again and then he like officially ended that whole thing on November 3rd and we haven’t really talked since. Like we’ve seen each other in person a few times because of this group get togethers but we haven’t seen each other one on one and we haven’t talked online at all. And then my sister had logged in on my

    Facebook into my computer and she had left it logged in and that’s how I found out that she was sabotaging it because she ended up telling him that I was going to be contacting people and like I was looking things up and all these things. Like why are you telling him all this? But I haven’t confronted her because she doesn’t know I saw it.

  • Got it. Wow! That’s quite a tale you tell.

  • Yes, it’s very complicated.

  • Not as complicated as–I imagined for you it’s very complicated. There’s a lot of emotions but let’s nail down the most important part. What is your goal here? It’s always important to have a goal and I find so many people, they enter into this just with the general goal of, “I want to get him back.” But I’m asking you to think beyond that.

    So, do you want to get him back and if so, what kind of relationship do you want? Are you looking for marriage? Are you just looking for a nice clean healthy relationship that could someday lead to marriage? Is this the kind of guy for you to do that? And I think it’s important also, you’re 19 years old, you probably don’t want marriage right away and that’s completely ok but let’s just find a goal here. So, we can kind of create steps to get to it.

  • So, my goal would be that I want to get him back and have like a clean, like a clean relationship, a healthy one unlike the unhealthy one that we had before. So, that might eventually lead to marriage, it might not. I just want to kind of give it another chance because I have actually–even though I am young. I have actually been in a few, like two other relatively serious relationships. Whereas for him, I was like his first serious relationship. So, I think that kind of plays a really, like factor into it as well.

  • He’s a little bit more in experienced and often times your first relationship doesn’t work out because you’ll kind of go crazy with all the emotions going on and you’re jealous easily.

  • I wasn’t his first relationship but I was his first serious one. Like he had a couple of girlfriends before me but none of them were very serious at all.

  • Of now, I’m assuming you’re talking about intimate. So, we’re, was he a virgin when he first met you?

  • Yes.

  • Ok. So, he and I’m assuming, unless–were you a virgin when you first met him?

  • When we first started dating no. I wasn’t.

  • So, I’m assuming did at one point sleep together during this relationship.

  • Yes.

  • Ok, alright. That’s important to know too because I think a lot of the reasoning–he strikes me as kind of a guy who’s wanting his–it’s really interesting about your sister. I think that the open relationship is an important thing to look at because it’s an immediate red flag. And he definitely wants, –he kept coming back to you because he wants to continue sleeping with you but he also wants to sleep with other people.

    And it’s probably a classic thing because he’s young and he really doesn’t know what he wants out of his life and he’s not his fault. I think you’re just–women, honestly do mature a little bit faster than men do. It’s clear that you have sort of an indication of what you want out of getting him back.

    You know you’re not necessarily asking for marriage. Whereas I’ve definitely worked with people who it’s–immediately, they want their ex back. They want to get married to them. They’re at that age. Whereas you, you just know you want a strong healthy relationship. Am I right so far here?

  • Yeah, you’re right.

  • Ok. Now, the problem with this is though, it takes two to Tango right? So, it’s not enough for you just to want the strong and healthy relationship. He also has to want a strong and healthy relationship. And you seem like you’ve read the advice and you’ve done the no contact rule but maybe you made a few errors along the way and I think the biggest error you made was even entertaining the open relationship because now going forward he is going to know that is something you’re willing to do and it’s going to give him leverage and it’s going to make–excuse me.

    It’s going to give you more headwind and he’s going to think he has leverage when he–let’s say you get him back, it open the risk of him potentially cheating on you and it opens the risk of you not having that strong and healthy relationship. Because he’s going to think, “Well, you are kind of ok with open relationship with your sister of all people.” And I’m not saying you did anything bad. I completely understand why you did it. But he, oh man, this guy.

  • He is an interesting person. It’s very hard to crack his case. It’s very hard to understand what he’s actually thinking in any given time because he’s actually quite mysterious and hidden about this kind of things.  And I was–

  • It’s simple. Look at his actions.  That will tell you everything about what he’s thinking. Because someone is not going to do something unless they think it first and no matter how many thoughts that come into his head, the actual actions he takes is a clear indication towards what he wants right? So, what actions has he taken positively so far for getting you back? Well, he has definitely tried to get you back multiple times. Those are actions.

    He’s kissed you but at the same time he’s also taken really bad actions like the open relationship with your sister and just kind of the weird jealousy breaking into your phone type things. So, honestly when I look at your situation, I don’t think you have hard with getting him back but I’m looking even beyond that. I’m looking beyond if you can have a happy relationship with this guy or if he needs to do some maturing.

  • Yeah, that’s kind of what I’m thinking too. I think a big issue is that he has almost no direction with his life right now. Like he was in school for 22:55 but he doesn’t like the program and so he’s been failing the classes because he had no interest in them. And he just seems to be the kind of person that doesn’t want to put much effort into things which is I guess the biggest issue.

    That right now he just doesn’t have the ambition and he keeps saying that he’s been feeling depressed and that just recently that he doesn’t see a direction in his life. He’s not very happy and he’s been telling this. He told me this before he broke up and things like that. It’s like I couldn’t kind of understand because I’ve been in a depressed state before.

    But do you have something trying to get yourself out of that and the best way to do that is to set mini goals and achieve those goals but he hasn’t been doing that. Instead he kind of hides away in video games and Anime and all of those kinds of typical things that people in this generation do.

  • Yeah, and I’m also kind of wondering too if  he’s telling–so, he told you that he’s kind of getting a little depressed. He doesn’t have direction with his life and he’s telling your sister that and he’s not making any meaningful thing or meaning changes to try to achieve that maybe achieve a direction or do things that he wants with his life but he’s telling you this because he knows you’ll make him feel better.

    He knows your sister will make him feel better. So, I’m wondering if he’s almost using you in a way to try to-because he knows you’re a caring a person and you’ll make him feel better. You’ll boost his ego. And don’t put it past any man to do that seriously. Every, even me. I always want ego boost from my wife. Every man wants ego boost from women. That’s like every man’s dream. Especially, I can definitely relate with the nerdy anime. I can go toe to toe with most people on Anime. I mean I’ve watched One piece. I’ve watched Naruto. I own all of Naruto. I own One piece. I own Bleach.

    I own all of these nerdy nerdy Anime Manga stuff and growing up as a kid, all I wanted was a girl to like me. And I think a lot of men out there feel the exact same way. He obviously has you. And you’re a strong relationship for you and you’ve made him feel good but the open relationship completely throws me. And I think the part that–it’s not that it throws me. I’ve heard open relationships before but with the sister, with your own sister. That’s why I’m thinking he’s got some weird fetish.

  • It’s a possibility. Because I know he’s watching Anime, he also does read like Hentai and watch Hentai-esque things and that’s kind of  a theme in a lot of those or there’s like a lot of strange things he does.

  • Well, you know, you also mentioned he’s Asian. So, I mean, that’s kind of where that comes from, the manga and the anime. It’s sort of Japanese. Yeah, it could definitely be something like that but I think the question you need to ask yourself and will get into specific details of what I think you can do to increase your chances.

    I think the question you need to ask yourself is, is he the right person for a strong, healthy relationship? And I’m not trying to deter you from trying to get him back at all. I know better than that by now. A lot of people I’ve tried to deter it doesn’t matter but I am just saying, I am trying to look out for your well being.

  • Yeah, I’m actually open to just kind of moving on but I do want to try, like exhaust my options first.

  • Yeah, I completely agree. My whole theory on it is do everything you can. Especially if you resided yourself to trying to get him back, do everything you possibly can so, you can go to bed at night knowing that you did everything. And even if it failed, you can sleep happy knowing that. I’m also glad that you said you’re also trying or willing to maybe get over him because that’s kind of the secret sauce that makes this work.

    The women who are willing to get over their exes, end up doing a lot better at getting their exes back. It’s some weird vibe that they give off and I’m not even sure I can explain. I don’t think any kind of psychologist that have done any research on it but I can tell you from the results I’ve seen and when we get off the air, I’ll share my screen with you so you can actually see all the testimonials I’ve had and there’s hundreds. It’s really weird the one common denominator is these are strong women who have clearly drawn the line and they’re willing to get over their exes and for some reason men find it wildly attractive.

    And I’m glad that you also brought up the fact that hey, you’ve got back together a couple of times but it’s really interesting that you were sort of like, hey, you need to prove it to me. And so many women are just willing to take their exes back completely but you, you’ve just sort of made him prove himself and it’s obvious that it didn’t work if after 3 days–he put in work but then it kind of got back to where you’re doing all the work.

  • Yeah, and that’s what I think my biggest drawback was the fact that I let him do that and then when I called him out on it, that’s when he end up saying, “I think we’re just a high school relationship.” This reminds me a situation with my friend and I’m like well, I actually know a lot of people that are high school relationships that are still together.

    Like my parents for one, my friend’s parent’s. Like I actually know a lot of people that even from our friends in highschool are together with their highschool sweethearts 3 years later. So, it’s like your excuse, your reason doesn’t really make much sense to me. You need to give me more depth to that.

  • Yeah, honestly, I feel like I can give you tips to make this guy–you can wrap him around your finger essentially. And to me he seems almost like a weak personality for that. LIke if he’s so desperate for attention and it’s clear, if he went on Tinder and didn’t have any matches and you have 30, it’s clear to him, his perception of it, as that women don’t find him attractive and you’re an attractive girl who finds him attractive.

    So, it kind of gives you some weird power over him. But part of the problem is change, it can happen over a short term but what you’re looking for is long term change and that’s really difficult to do. He needs maybe some maturing and maybe a direction in his life and sort of that he kind of needs a kick in the butt to get going on it.

  • Yeah, that’s kind of like what I was I thinking.  A lot of people before they actually decide to do anything to help themselves, they kind of need to hit rock bottom. I think he’s getting pretty close to that point because I actually heard after we had broken up and weren’t talking but he ended up talking to may sister and my sister told me this. He actually gone out drinking by himself and he got drunk and then he got gotten in argument with one of his friends and he’s just kind of distancing himself from everyone.

    And even like right now, his Skype status thing says “Loner life is good I guess.” And just like the only time he talks to people really is sometimes he talks to people one on one. He talks to my sister quite a bit and then he talks to this one guy named Devon quite a bit but other than that, he’s just kind of like doesn’t talk to many people unless it’s in this group chats that we have.

  • Got it. What a world we live in. I remember when I was growing up, there was no such thing–like text messaging where you still have flip back when I was growing up. In highschool I literally had a flip phone.

  • My first phone was flip phone. I actually know how to type on it without looking at it all.

  • Did you have the T9 word with the flip phone where it was like a special thing that filled in the word for you? I’m like a master at this thing.

  • No, mine was like you had to press each button until you got the letter.

  • That’s brutal.

  • I became a master with that. I could text without looking at my screen at all. I could be having like full eye contact if there’s another person I’m talking to and send a complete sentence to another person on text message and it will be perfectly accurate.

  • That’s crazy!

  • I can’t do it anymore but I was able to.

  • Alright so, let’s just–I’m giving you kind of the warning there is, red flags that it’s going to be difficult for him to change. He might need to hit rock bottom and–but the good news is I think you have definitely a good chance of getting him back because history has–you’ve already done it before. And I think the thing you should focus on here is not just getting him back but getting him back and being kind of stern and strong. Make him jump through the hoops. You don’t jump through any hoops for him at all.

  • I think that was one of biggest fall back before. I recognize this now. That I was very insecure because actually at that time frame that we started dating, the beginning foundation was that he was helping me get over my last break up. And so I was in a very like vulnerable position but when we were hanging out, I was always like very happy and energetic but then I used to have like this underlining insecurities that I never actually got to work through. And now that it’s been over two years since that break up, I was able to work through them but I was never able to like rely on him fully while working through this because if I ever brought it up, he’d get upset.

  • Got it. It’s a classic reaction to that he’s having. This first relationship and he can’t even sit there and imagine some other guy with you, he gets extremely jealous and I’m sure you’ve had fights or screaming matches over this too. Because I have actually done the exact same thing when I was his age.

  • Yeah, there were times where he’d just get really bothered by and the person that kind of I guess escalate the fight would normally be me because he’d say something and I’d be like, “Well, why would you say that?” and then he wouldn’t want to tell me why he said it. So, I’d keep pushing until he tells me why he said it. So, it was just like this things where he’s always quite secretive. So, I always try and like push at it. So, that he wouldn’t be as secretive but yeah, it tends to not work too well in my favor when I did that.

  • Well, just with his personality. So, he’s probably the kind of personality that keeps it inside and that is one of the most difficult personalities to even date because so much dating relies on communication and talking things out and having this difficult conversations that many people don’t want to have and when you have a difficult conversation–and I’ll give you an example of a difficult conversation.

    You’re exboyfriend, he was contacting you, trying to get you to sleep with him right? And you knew very, very intuitively and very smartly, I have to tell my current boyfriend about this because I want to be open and I want him to trust me. So, and I would think the same thing because in the end, opening up and telling your significant other something this scary because it’s kind of scary as a man to know that your woman’s being hit on by her ex and the ex is trying to get her to sleep with him. But I would think the same thing like by telling him this, it’s a way for you to bond and build trust in your relationship but he doesn’t take it that way. He probably got extremely jealous and withdraw and didn’t want to talk. Am I right in assuming this?

  • Yeah, he end up kind of closing himself off or completely changing the topic like he turned it into a race issue. So, he doesn’t like having difficult conversations and I think part of that is because of his past. Like he used to be bullied during elementary and middle school and so, that kind of made him become like a withdrawn personality. And I was actually one of the first people he ever told about like some childhood trauma that had happened in his life.

    Now, he’s talked about it with a few people because I kind of like encouraged him to talk about it but like I was the first person he told about some childhood abuse that had happened to him when he was a kid. So, it’s like I was one of the first people that he ever started opening up to and suddenly he started opening to a couple other people here and there.

    And it just–I don’t know. It’s just kind of like odd. There are some times where he’ll start saying something and as soon as he starts questioning it, he’ll shut down again. So, he gives you like this little glimpse into his, like into his house and then suddenly he just like patches up that hole again and it’s like, no, you’re not allowed to see.

  • Ok, I’m glad you brought that up because it just made think of something. Someone who acts that way often has something to hide too or they’re lying. So, and I’m not accusing him of being a liar but if he’s the type of person who reads Anime all day, –watches Anime,reads Manga and he’s kind of got a creative mind and almost I mean Manga and Anime, the best ones are dramatic right? Part of it is it’s dramatic and the plot is good and the storyline is good and sometimes–the only that can happen is if there’s conflict. And sometimes a human being gets addicted to that conflict and they want to create for themselves in their own relationships. Often times people call this drama.

    So, it could be a possible explanation of why he gets withdrawn is he’s simply lying about childhood trauma unless you think for sure that this is a fact. It’s just a perspective. I’m not trying to point him out. I’m just trying to get you to look at things a little bit differently too because the open relationship thing really struck me as strange and it’s almost like him creating conflict or him creating drama.

  • That’s kind of–I don’t know. He doesn’t like things being boring. So, that could be a possibility but I’m not sure. Like sometimes I thought it was kind of strange because I have met his family but I also know that family members, they act different when they’re in front the public and then when they’re alone.

    But I’ve met his family, they’re very sweet people and they love me and they’re like always talking to me about things and I actually started learning Mandarin to be able to like speak to his parents better because they could speak well but they speak Mandarin more. So, I’m taking Mandarin in school and he’s like, “Oh yeah! I’ll help you with that!” And then he like breaks up with me right before the school semester starts. Like, oh, alright.

  • Well, all I’m saying is just going forward, just realize every human being has their flaws. He’s definitely not perfect.

  • Oh definitely.

  • But put him through a gauntlet. Seriously, put your past relationship or what you think your future relationship could be under a microscope. So, the worst thing you could do is waste your time on someone who maybe you’ll come to  a realization that is not the best match for you. But let’s kind of shift gears and talk about what you can do to get him back. Since that’s kind of why you’re here. So, where are we at right now in this very moment? You said you were doing the no contact rule. How, what day are we in?

  • Oh, I’m not even sure which day. I want to kind of wait to get your opinion on things before I actually kind of like went forward. So, we haven’t talked online or in text messages at all since November 9th. So, it’s been well over a month but we’ve seen each other in person a few times and apparently, those in person contacts, he have been kind of misreading some things I do.

    I snapchat my friends quite a bit. I have some friends that live in like the States and things like that and I can’t text them because we don’t have that kind of plan. So, we snapchat instead and we’ve been through a couple of parties where I’m like snapchatting and apparently he thought I was taking pictures of him when I was taking a selfie. Just because like I happen to be like facing in that direction or something like I have 60my phone in front of me.

    So, he thought I was taking pictures of him. So, he thought I was being very stalkerish. He actually told my sister to check my phone to see how many pictures I have of him. I’m like, I have like two.

  • Very insecure individual. It’s so interesting.

  • Yeah, he is and it’s strange because he comes off as so confident. You think once he get behind that confidence, he’s actually quite insecure with himself. It’s probably where that depression comes in because the fact that he’s quite insecure but he won’t show that to anyone. He’s so scard to seem weak that he puts up this wall and doesn’t let anyone see that weakness.

    And so, it’s so very complicated to try and like make him just actually show you who he is and actually like to just relax and not be so up tight and so like worried all the time but yeah, it’s interesting. So, we haven’t talked really since then but we saw each other a few times. Like he’s first day was November 27th and there was a big group get together and if I didn’t go to the get together, my sister would have like questioned me.

    So, I kind of had to go because otherwise I would end up with a conflict with my sister. And it’s of the same thing because  a lot of this group get together because it’s always the same people because they’re all the people that are still here at Mississauga where as everyone else is kind of like left in different states for school.

  • So, you’re just at this point right now where you’re sort of in that limbo land. You don’t really have  a game plan?

  • Yeah, I’m kind of like in this limbo land because I want to contact him but then it was only just this weekend that I found out that my sister has been sabotaging like what I was doing.

    And in that conversation that I ended up seeing, he was saying that he feels as though I’m being like so creepy stalkerish and he ended up bringing up the–it’s something that happened on the day that we broke up and that was like he left the party that we were at even though he was suppose to stay over night and I kind of like followed him because I was crazy, out of my mind at this moment.

    I kind of followed like wherever he go type thing. Currently he was like so scared that he went over to his friend’s house and like ok, whatever.

  • It seems to like a lot of drama gets created from his side and I think there’s a rational explanation for everything you’re doing but he seems to blow it up and make it bigger. I can understand that if you have a creative mind and that’s what kind of strokes you mind, it makes sense to do that kind of thing.

    Let’s put together a plan. So, you want to get him back and I think getting back honestly will be the easy part. I’m not going to guarantee you can get him back because obviously your ex boyfriend is kind of an interesting character we’ll say. So, I can’t figure out exactly what’s going on in his head a 100% for you but I can say from what I’m looking at it looks like you have a decent shot especially since you’re dealing with an individual who maybe doesn’t have the most confidence in the world and that’s horrible for me to say but it does make him a little easier for you to get him back.

    I think the hard part for you though is going to keep getting that healthy relationship because getting him back hasn’t been a problem for you.

  • No, it’s getting him to actually put effort in.

  • Yes, that’s the hard part. Now, let’s stop and take a look at what makes human beings commit. Let’s look at facts, psychological facts. So, if you’ve been listening to my podcast, you probably have heard me cite the interdependence theory.

  • Yes.

  • Alright so, you know investment, alternatives and satisfaction. So, let’s pick it apart here. Clearly alternatives, he’s thinking he has other alternatives and then of course he realizes he doesn’t on Tinder and that’s he comes back to you.

  • He’s actually back on Tinder and he’s getting my sister to help him pick up pictures.

  • Ah ok but I think your sister is the alternative he’s interested in.

  • I think that might be as well. Either that or this one friend that we have 43:09 who he’s quite close to as well.

  • Ok. Well, you seem like a very trusting person because he is the one who has a problem with you talking to other men and he is the one that’s talking to all these other girls.

  • I had a bit of an issue with it and I did bring it up to him just because there was at some point that he was being quite flirtatious and I called him out on it but other than that I was fine. Like ok, yeah you can have female friends. I don’t really care. They’re your friends but if I brought up some guys, I could kind of see, he kind of like get that little bit of tense jaw and he wouldn’t say anything about it. And then the only guy friend that he was like completely ok with me being around were the ones that were gay or taken.

  • Ok. Alright well, he’s clearly he has other alternatives. That had to play in the break up and it would make sense too if you dated in highschool and he’s first getting into college. He’s sort of finding himself so to speak and he doesn’t want to get tied down. So, he’s clearly thinking he has other alternatives. Let’s go with the satisfaction now.

    So, I think he was pretty satisfied with your relationship from what I’m hearing but I think the poll from the alternatives and also the investment. He’s not investing a lot of time in this relationship which is something you’ve cited. I think those were stronger for him.

  • Yeah, I do think that the satisfaction might have also been in his mind a little bit depleted because of the fact that he wasn’t putting much investment in. So I ended up calling him out on that and that might kind of have bring the satisfaction a bit down in his mind.

  • So, he’s looking back at the relationship just remember all the bad stuff as well as the good stuff.

  • Yeah, that’s what’s currently happening. He ended up saying that–he told my sister again that he kind of-after graduation the relationship seemed more like a chore and during that relationship time frame he seemed happy except for the last couple of months. So, I think that he’s just kind of taking this last couple of months. And he’s looking at it with like this tinted view of the entire relationship based on the last couple of months.

  • Ok, alright. So, looks like you have a little bit of work to do but half the problem–honestly, just not half the problem, the problem is him because to me it seems like everything you’ve done has seemed very rational and you weren’t starting drama for nothing. You’re calling him out when you see a problem right? So, he’s the one that has this issues where he’s flirting with other girls.

  • Yeah.

  • Ok, now your sister, you were talking, I just realized something. Has your sister always been pretty careful with Facebook?

  • No, not really. We both know each other’s passwords and neither of us are really secretive with each other. To each other, we normally tell each other like everything. So, I don’t know why recently it’s just become like she just recently become like secretive. So, I think that she still likes him even though she claims that she doesn’t.

  • I would say that’s an accurate assessment but I would also say she’s not dumb. She’s a human being. If she’s anything like you, she’s smart. She wanted you to see those messages between him and her.

  • It’s a possibility or it might have just been that she forgot because there’s been often times that she’s forgotten to just sign out of Facebook on my computer. She doesn’t think of it.

  • That’s true but why would she erase the messages? If she didn’t really want you to see them?

  • Oh, I guess that’s a good point. She’s never actually erased messages on Facebook. She still have messages from like years ago on there. So, I just think that she doesn’t think that I’m going to read her messages or something like that and I just ended up seeing this part of the conversation and it kind of piqued my interest because they’re talking about me. So, I probably was in the wrong in reading it.

  • I think it’s an interesting piece of information to have going forward. I could tell you, “Hey, do the no contact rule. Do text in the right way.” But honestly, I don’t think you have any issues with that. I think the issue is when you get him back, if you get him back. I can’t guarantee it but let’s say you get him back, your goal is to have a strong and healthy relationship. How can we do that?

  • Yeah.

  • It’s difficult. I’m not going to lie. Your sister is kind of a wrench thrown in that was unexpected because you could potentially–so, women will fight over-sisters especially will fight over. This could be a damaging aspect to your relationship with your sister.

  • Yes, that’s kind of what I was worried about too as well. That’s why I haven’t brought it up to her.

  • Yeah, it could be one of those type of deals too where you’ll be forced to pick and choose and if you want my two cents, I say you choose your sister because she’s blood right?

  • Yeah, family will be there forever.

  • Right, and from what I’m gathering, you can get this guy back but he might not be the one for you in the end. And that maybe hard to hear from someone like me and I’ve heard women just kind of tell me to F off after I tell them this but more often than not, I’m right and this guy, right now in his life, I don’t think getting him back is the issue. I think he’s just not–

  • I think he’s not ready.

  • Yeah. You could prime him to be ready, you can drop hints, you can stay in his life but I want what’s best for you. So, what you want is a happy, healthy relationship. You want it with this guy and if I guess, let’s move towards getting him back. So, yeah, you do the no contact rule.

    Great, I think it’s a strong play with him. I think jealousy will work with him really well from everything I’ve heard. So, you going out on dates with other guys–so, the interesting part about your sister is you have the ultimate spy or the ultimate mole.

    You can use her to your advantage because if she has  a crush on him, then she will report things to him that will hurt–she will think hurt your chances.

  • That’s with me going out on a date with somebody else.

  • Such as you going and honestly that will have a positive effect towards you getting him back because men want what they can’t have and all of a sudden, he sees you–

  • I’ve actually experienced that before with my ex before this one. Whenever we spoke and I would talk about my current ex, he’d get jealous. Even if he didn’t actually want to be in a relationship with me again, he’d get jealous.

  • So, you can sort of use your sister to your advantage in that case. I think going on dates is a great way. How long were you thinking to stay in no contact?

  • Well, I’ve actually commented on a post on your website and I think her name is Amor?

  • Yeah, Amor, she works for me. So, what did Amor gave you advice?

  • She recommended I do a 45 day no contact because it started getting predictable.

  • Yeah, I mean, the other thing to take into account is every time you do the no contact rule over and over again, it loses effectiveness every time and I think 45 days is good. I think really–the thing with the no contact rule that everyone doesn’t really do is the self reflection and working on themselves and as corny as it sounds, it actually does work.

  • Yeah, I’ve actually been doing a lot of that especially with this last one. With going on your website and things like that it kind of gave me the kick start I needed to actually start working on myself and working in actually loving myself before loving other people. Because I never did that much before. I was a very insecure teenager and I relied–

  • Everyone is insecure though. So, you’re not alone there.

  • Yeah, but I’m kind of like relying on other people a lot to try to fill kind of like that emptiness that I was feeling but recently within like the last month. So, since like the last time that he broke up with me, I’ve been like really working towards just trying to fill that myself and not using other people to try and fill that void. And so, I’ve been feeling a lot happier in general and more confident, to the point that it’s like, “Yeah, if I don’t get him back, it doesn’t really matter.”

  • Yeah, that’s really the secret sauce to getting a man back too and not a lot of people realize it but getting to that point, really puts you in the position of power and that’s my whole thing. Often times when you’ve gotten him back, you were not in the position of power. He played you exactly like he wanted to. Let’s go down the list. Number 1, you’re stuck at some event with him right? And you end up kissing right?

  • Yes.

  • You didn’t go into that thinking I want to kiss him. He’s started looking at you and you started thinking, “Wow, he looks like he wants to kiss me.” And one thing leads to another but you know how that goes. Part number 2, you go out on an event again and he starts playing with your hair looking through your phone!

  • Yeah, so, he was using the notepad on my phone to type me things in messages because he didn’t want the rest of the group to hear.

  • Ok! So, he’s kind of shy.

  • Yes. He’s private with his private life. He doesn’t like being on the spot.

  • Well, I think each time that you got back with him, it was not you from a position of power. It was him enforcing his will onto you. He got the result he wanted.

  • Yeah and I was quite weak in that way.

  • Yeah, you weren’t weak. The actions you took are understandable. So, don’t beat yourself 53:22 . I’ve seen people do a lot worse than that and the fact that you did get him back. So, it’s clear that the formula is there. You just need to structure it in the right way. So, I think jealousy works extremely well. So, I would actually, definitely during the no contact go on anohter date with someone.

  • Ok, well, I’m actually going to be hanging out with  a few people. Like some friends are coming up from the States again and one of them is a guy and I was like, “Well, even if like I’m not actually on a date with him. Him seeing me hanging out with a guy that he’d actually been particularly jealous of before could kind of jog something.

  • Yeah. I mean–so in the States here we just had a President elected, Donald Trump which I’ll leave my opinions out of it but one thing he did do that was smart was he stayed relevant. So, even if people were talking about him really, really poorly, people were talking about him still.  And the same thing applies to your ex. You want him to think about you and even if he’s jealous, if you are training him to constantly think about you over and over, it’s like you’re conditioning him.

  • I think my sister has been kind of doing that because a lot of their conversations with each other are about me. Even if they’re negative, they’re still about me.

  • Yeah, and it’s just reinforcing and reinforcing and reinforcing and the value for someone–I mean the famous quote is there’s no such thing as bad press. It’s true. There’s no such thing as bad press. Any press is good press. Even if someone’s saying the worst things about you, and it’s blowing up, you’re getting exposure and this is kind of what you want. So, I think staying relevant is not going to be the problem for you. Let’s talk about texting now. So, is this an area of strength do you feel? Do you need some help with texting?

  • I think I might because we used to text a lot but it was mostly one sided. He’s not overly keen on texting but I used to text a lot. Recently, I’ve been kind of like, I don’t really care if we’re texting as much anymore. So, I think that might help but I used to be like so adamant on him replying and be like, “Ok, you didn’t reply for like 2 hours. Why didn’t you answer me?” and now, I’m just like, why did I even think that way? That’s crazy talk.

  • Ok, so, let’s dive in to texting. So, what exactly with texting do you need help on? So, I’m going to kind of give the mic over to you and you just ask me any question you want.

  • So, with the texting, I think the biggest thing I need help on would be to try and get him engaged and to get him to reply as much as effort as I’m putting in.

  • Alright, let me ask you a question about the string of text message, your text message to write for example. How many text messages would it typically last before he` would go cold turkey?

  • I’m not entirely a? How’s your day?” and then it will just be like really boring repetitive conversation but before that sometimes we’d be talking literally like the entire day.

  • So, I think what you need to start doing is getting him in the habit of you ending the conversation on him.

  • Ok.

  • And that’s I think a lot of women struggle with because as so often with someone going through a break up where they want their ex to talk to them and when they finally do get that text message it’s so exciting, they just want it to last forever. They over state the welcome a little too long and he ended up ending the conversation.

    I think you need to pre-emp him real fast. So, I would try to-if I was you, to start off with like quick bursts. So, you’re texting him in quick little bursts and ending, quick little bursts and then ending it. So, even if it’s an engaging conversation, as long as you continue to end the conversations, you may find he’ll start to reach out more and more and more. Now, texting is–sorry go ahead.

  • So, instead of it being like a full day conversation, like you don’t have to be talking like the entire day. I’ll only make a little bit here and there?

  • Maybe even a 30 minute texting exchange and then that’s it for the day.

  • Oh ok.

  • But the key to texting is eventually you do want to get back–I’m assuming when you were talking, the full day, that was probably when your relationship was really good?

  • Yes.

  • Ok, so that’s kind of where you want to get back to. So, it’s like–you can see me right

  • Yes.

  • It’s sort of like there’s this gradual progression right? So, you’re starting off and I don’t know if you can see but I drew like a little line here.

  • Yeah, I see that.

  • So, you’re starting slowly. So, you’re doing the quick burst at the beginning right here. This is like so ghetto. I’m so sorry. You’re doing the quick burst at the beginning right here and then but as time goes on you’re letting the conversations last longer and longer and longer until eventually you hit this point where you’re talking every single day. And I’ve talked a lot about that throughout the website. You probably heard them say–

  • Tide theory.

  • Tide theory, exactly. Same principle applies but it’s not be all end all. Texting is not going to be the thing that enhances attractive building type things as much as seeing the person actually in person or talking on the phone.

  • Yeah, texting is just kind of like a leeway into things.

  • Yeah, I was talking to someone a couple of days ago about this idea of this value ladder. So, the idea is to slowly but surely build attraction up. Very, very similar to how you’re building attraction through this tide theory where you’re kind of getting progressively more intense. As your texting goes on, the same thing applies over all with getting a man back.

    You’re not going to ask someone to be your girl or your boyfriend again immediately after the no contact rule. They’re going to say no. You’ve given them no reason to. So, you need to pick your spots but slowly build attraction up. And honestly, the more I talk to you and hear about your situation, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem for you. I really don’t.

  • Ok.

  • I think the problem is after you get him back, if, of course you get him back. But let’s say you do, if you get him back, I think that’s where your challenges will lie but anyways continue asking questions. This is sort of rapid fire for you.

  • Ok, so, how exactly would you approach texting? So, to be able to actually get them to reply that way?

  • Ok, yeah. I’m a big believer and I’ve done a lot of different tests and studies on this and I’ve had people who have been broken up do the test for me. So, I kind of know what works and what doesn’t work. And there are 3 elements to every good text message and you’ve–again if you’ve listened, it’s the knowledge of your relationship, the action phrase and telling a story. People are hard wired for stories. And this is going to be especially true for him. Since he’s a big Manga and Anime fan who loves stories.

    And so if you can tell a compelling story about something that he’s interested in over text message, it’s going to do wonders for keeping him engaged. But like with any story, there has to be conflict and it has to be interesting. So, kind of what I’m thinking for you is–so, when you’re texting him, you’re going to have this short bursts right? Like I’ve said, we’re going to try to end the conversation. Well, maybe it would be really interesting if you sort of structure the story that was outlined over the course of like 10 days for you.

    You gave him a little bit of the story every single day or work a little bit in every single day. It’s just sort of my creative mind thinking for you but I think that would work really well on him and make text messaging really, really interesting and unique to you. The idea is to kind of get him hooked on the story or maybe tell him–I mean one of the greatest tv shows of all time is Seinfeld right?

    Do you watch Seinfeld? Well Seinfeld was a show about nothing right? Every single episode was just a random thing but it told it’s own little story. So, maybe what you can do is kind of put in this little Seinfeld text messages every time you do this like little short burst thing to capture his interest, keep him interested and then end the conversation. Maybe you can kind of spread it out like that.

  • And then continue the story the next time?

  • It doesn’t necessarily have to continue the next time. If you can work it out to where it works that way, I imagine that would work really, really well if it was a good story but even if it’s just a random story. Like you’re telling him every single time that you’re talking, it can really, really be effective. It’s amazing of how effective it can be but the key is the story has to be really, really good right?

    Famously told a story about a woman who texted her ex about how she compared him to bear poop right? That’s not the kind of story you want to be telling. You want to be telling something- a story to him that he’ll be interested in. And you can even continue this when you’re talking to him on the phone. Like imagine if you’re talking to him and every single time you talk to him, you have a new interesting story to tell. Something completely unique, something completely interesting but every single time he’s texting you or calling you, he’s kind of anticipating you’re going to have this story to tell because it’s interesting and it makes him want to talk to you.

    So, maybe if you can kind of work out something like that too. Especially, when they’re in relationships for a long time, it can kind of go through the motions and texting becomes kind of boring. This might be a way to spice it up. So, that would be kind of my best piece of advice. I’m sorry if I just threw like 10 different things at you at once.

  • It’s ok. I’m actually writing notes down.

  • Oh good.

  • And then another thing, when do you think I should contact him because we haven’t like officially spoken like texting or anything or like that since the 9th but we have physically seen each other because of this group gatherings. Although during this group gatherings I kind of like keep my distance from him. I talk to mostly other people. I do engage him in conversation because I don’t want to be rude but I don’t particularly seek him out for conversation. I don’t cling to him the way I used to.

  • Perfect.

  • Perfect.

  • That has been one kind of issue that happened because our group is kind of like very jokingly mean to each other, and my one friend will constantly compare my ex to this tv character from a show called Skins. And he’s always saying it’s like, “Oh, he looks like Tony from Skins!” I’m like, no he doesn’t look like Tony. The only resemblance he has with Tony is his personality but tony is kind of a bit of a jerk. So, I’m kind of indirectly making a mean joke to him but like everyone does this all the time. I think that kind of might have put a damper on something?

  • I would kind of stop that if I was you.

  • Yeah, I thought. I was kind of figuring as well.

  • Because–right. He’ll be on the outside displaying, “Oh, hahaha!” But on the inside he’s going to be like, “You son of a you know!” He’s not going to be–that’s how I would react to that.

  • Yeah, so I kind of stopped doing this the last two times that we hang out but there’s a few times before that I’d done and then I’m assuming that it bothered him so that’s why I stopped. Because that time frame where I’d done that before, I was kind of like angry at him. So, that’s why I said it but then after, it’s just like there’s really no point in that. So, I’m not sure if I should wait like 45 days from his birthday which was November 27th which is kind of like the last time I ever said something like that or if I should wait like–or if I should text him sooner.

  • What would 45 days from that date be?

  • From his birthday? I’ll check. My sister just walked downstairs, my younger sister.

  • Oh, that’s ok.

  • I’m just going to mute my mic for one second.

  • Ok. Well, if you’re listening. The reason I’m asking is because of the holidays and I don’t–are you still there?

  • Yeah, I’m listening.

  • So, I’m trying to figure out if it lands close to like New year’s or new year’s eve? It’ s kind of–usually you want to wait until a little bit after that.

  • Ok, there’s a little bit of another thing that I kind of wanted to ask because we have–with my high school group, we have this secret santa event every year and I don’t have him as my secret santa. So, I wouldn’t be giving him this gift or anything but that’s supposed to be on the 29th of December. I was wondering if I should just not go to that event or if I should go and just kind of be very civil to him?

  • I say you go, you be civil but–this could sound really weird because it’s usually against the advice that I offer but I say kind of be a little cold.

  • Ok.

  • And the only reason I’m saying that and my thinking behind that is, you kind of have bent head over heels for this guy and he probably is under the impression that he can have you anytime he wants. Especially if you’re open to agreeing to an open relationship. What I’m thinking is maybe not rude but cold as in one word responses to whenever he talks to you. At that point, he’s going to be like, “Wait,maybe I don’t have her under my fingers like I thought I did.” So, I say you go. I say you have fun. Anything related to him just be kind of shut off a little bit. I definitely want him to understand that this is –like you’re not the same person that he’s used to and that’s a good thing.

  • Ok, alright. So, I’ll definitely do that then. So, I’ll probably wait until after New year’s to send my first initial contact text to him then. We are having a party at my house and my sister invited him and he said he might come. He didn’t if he’s coming for sure or not but I’ll just do the same thing that –

  • Yeah, same exact thing. I know it’s a little weird with your sister being involved and everything but it doesn’t change how to act. Just make sure he knows that something is wrong because the no contact rule is effective because of that reason. If he feels he’s the problem, he’s more likely to make a change.

  • Yeah, ok.

  • So, what else do you have because we’ve only got about 5, 4 minutes or so.

  • Yeah, that’s what I think. And then after texting, should we–like what we do after that? So, it would be the calls?

  • Yeah, yeah. Phone calls, skyping works, facetiming works and this is really where you ramp up the attraction. Not anywhere near the level that you can where you’re actually in front of the person but I say continue the idea of the story telling method, the Seinfeld type method where every time he talks to you, you need to have something interesting to put forth. Something that will capture his imagination, especially with this guy. I think it will work 1:08:51 and building attraction because he’s going to be associating you with, “Wow! She’s so interesting.!”

    That’s kind of what you want to have happen. I also think it’s important to emphasize the changes you made in your life. So, just as an example, let’s say you lost like 20 lbs which I’m not saying that all, it’s just a complete example. A great way to emphasize this would be an indirect way. Just find some sort of indirect way without kind of like bragging about yourself to emphasize the positive things you’ve done in your life.

    So, those are some of my better tips. As far as talking on the phone, I say try to have fun but the same principles applies where you need to end the conversation first and anywhere, this is the most important aspect of ending a conversation, first and at the high point.

    You always want it to with a phone because that’s where it will be most effective. Especially on the phone, it’s easy to get drawn into a conversation especially if you are telling a story or he’s telling a story and it’s really fascinating and you’re having a good time and he’s having a good time and you don’t want it to end, it’s really easy to get caught up.

    But if you’re disciplined and end the conversation right when it’s getting good or right at the best point of the conversation, you’ll be constantly reinforcing the peak of the conversation. He’ll constantly want to come back for more and more. I’ve seen this happen so many times. It’s a little ridiculous.

  • Alright. Ok, I think that basically covers everything.

  • Ah anything else that you can think of? You still have about 2 or 3 minutes left.

  • Not entirely sure, just thinking that if do you think there would be anyway that I could actually try to get him to commit more rather than just like just get him back or do you that that’s–?

  • Commitment more, I think it’s a function of looking at the interdependence theory with the investment aspects. The more time you can get him to invest in you, the harder it will be for him to walk away. If he stays satisfied with the relationship, that will be fine. Where the red flag comes into play is this–if it’s a fetish with your sister or sisters or something,

    it can be hard to overcome something like that which is why I say, most of your problem is in that area. If you get him back, trying to structure towards a healthy relationship, I think you just need to be clear that maybe this is his last chance right?  So, if he screws this up or if he’s not a 100% in it, then–

  • then that’s it.

  • That’s it and you have to mean it. I mean it’s a last chance. If that’s it, that’s it. You move on. You don’t care about him anymore.

  • Exactly.

  • That’s how I would try to approach it if I was you.

  • Alright, ok. That sounds good.

  • Alright.

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Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

23 thoughts on “Breaking Down Your Ex Boyfriends Behavior After The Breakup (Live Coaching Session)”

  1. Kim

    September 27, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    I am at the point of trying to decide whether or not I should continue
    to try or just block my ex. We were together for almost two years. We
    were engaged and I moved to DC to be with him. The biggest issue with
    our relationship was that we fought, a lot. I will admit I definitely
    was going through some personal struggles and he is military so I also
    struggled with that. We met and later on that year he was sent to
    texas for training. Not knowing where he would be sent after this just
    drove me crazy. Because of this I could not handle everything going on
    at that point in my life. I will admit that I drove him away and once
    we both were able to get to DC to finally live together we were so
    toxic by that point. After two months in DC he ended the relationship.
    I was devastated.I chose to get a job back in San Diego which is where
    we met since my sisters still live here. I have started to date again
    but am really struggling. We broke up May 24th, 2017. I moved from DC
    back to SD August 2nd. I heard from him August 2nd and August 7th. I
    only answered with one sentence. I did not hear from him until
    September 3rd. He wrote me a long letter and basically still blames me
    for our downfall in our relationship. But at the end he talks about
    still thinking about me and wanting to be with me. I did not respond
    to this letter for three weeks. So all in all i did not talk to him
    for over a month. I finally broke the silence this past Friday the
    22nd of September. i apologized to him for how I hurt him and also
    said I will not take full blame. This still did not sit with me. I
    knew there was more I had to apologize for. I sent him another letter
    and text to apologize. I did not expect to hear from him. I needed to
    be able to forgive myself for the pain I caused him. He responded to
    me on Monday the 25th. We spoke on the phone and he talked about
    dating other women and his career. he then ended with telling me he is
    interested in talking about getting back together. he then said if I
    found someone else that he would be happy for me. he asked if I would
    be interested in talking about if a relationship between us again
    would be a good idea. I said a huge part of me does want to try again
    but then there is a part that is hesitant. he said to think about it.
    I have not heard from him since Monday. does he really not care? Is he
    really okay with me dating other men and if I meet someone else? I
    told him I have cried on dates because I am struggling. Did i just
    give him the power back? Is he using my pain to build himself up? Is
    he waiting to see if he can meet someone else and just keeping me on
    the back burner? He did say that he could go out with the most
    beautiful woman but would still think about me? What is he trying to
    say? Why is he not fighting for me? if he truly does want me back, why
    would he not try to contact me again after telling me this? Should I
    just keep moving on with my life until I hear from him again? I really
    NEED your help!

    My biggest question is, do I wait to hear from him now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 29, 2017 at 12:33 am

      He said you should think about it because you were unsure, so, he’s probably waiting for you to initiate.. if you want to give him a chance, lay out your conditions.

  2. Lisa

    February 16, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    Hi ,
    So I sent my ex the first text after no contact a couple weeks ago and he replied positively. I then waited two more days to send the second text after no contact and no reply .i then waited a week as advised by Amor and sent him a video text saying I saw a video I thought he would like and he replied neutral saying ” That’s awesome!” But he since accepted my friend request on fb since he deleted me before and he even liked my Facebook page. What do you think? Does the situation look like it’s going good? Is it normal that he only responded neutral ? Can I go along with the recovery pro process and wait two days to send another text? Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 17, 2017 at 1:39 pm

      HI lisa,

      yeah, I think you can text again after 2 days.. that’s common that he would only reply like that but what’s good is he has added you back as an fb friend..

  3. Em

    February 12, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    Hey there, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 7 months and it seems like he is getting bored of me. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes we just run out of things to talk about. I was wondering if there is anything I can do? I really really don’t want to lose him he’s everything to me. The last girlfriend he broke up with was because he was bored of her. Please help. We just need to respark something.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 13, 2017 at 9:46 pm

      Hi Em,

      have you checked this one?
      How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming

      if you did, what are the steps you are actively doing right now to follow the advice there?

  4. Britt

    February 11, 2017 at 11:23 am

    Hey guys, need some urgent help/opinion

    Because of how hot and cold my ex had been I went into an NC phase again, and it seemed like he had noticed I wasn’t talking to him because he would still intermittently check my social media. I was going to message him today or tomorrow, because he had been checking my social media as well as he oddly opened the last message I sent to him which he had been ignoring just a couple days ago.

    But this evening I noticed he untagged himself from a photo of us together on Facebook. I’m so confused why he would do this. He has had to been thinking about me to want to know what I’ve been doing and to see what I said to him last but then the next day to remove himself from a photo of us just seems to strange.

    What could this mean? This has really scared me and I don’t know if I should message him tomorrow or not now.

    Please help asap!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 12, 2017 at 9:12 pm

      Hi Britt,

      it’s probably just to get a reaction out of you.. how many times have you done nc, how long was the relationship and how many times have you been on and off?

    2. Britt

      February 13, 2017 at 12:51 am

      This is just the second time I’ve done NC, we were together for just over a year and only broken up once (current break up).

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 13, 2017 at 11:59 pm

      but when did you break up? because it’s hard to tell if it’s more because of feelings or he wants you both to fully move on.. if he’s being hot and cold, start dating.. you cant let that hot and cold situation drag too long because that’s also one way of saying you’re just waiting for him and not moving on..

  5. Maki

    February 11, 2017 at 6:27 am

    Hi Amor ! I dont know what to do.I was with my ex boyfriend for 2years and a half and for the past year we lived together(he is 30 and i am 23.).Before we started living together he got in trouble with the law and he might go to the jail and during time we lived together he also lost his job.I was always there too suport him,he said he never met a person like me.But things changed during last year,he became very distant,anxious,i was only one working i when i came home he was always there so i think we feel in some kind of rutin.In the begining of dec.2016 he broke up with me,he said i deserve someone better,that he doesn fell like he fall out off love(i said too him that for me love is more than just the honeymoon period) and he needs to put his life in order.I cried and then packed my things and went home to my parents.After that in december he texted me how i am,if i am feeling better and we went for a coffe and he again said that he just doesnt feel in love anymore.o NYE he sent me text wishing me a HNY and they after he congratuleted me for my birthday(i invited him for a drink and he accepted-we had a good time,just normal conversation).After that i didnt contact him for about 10 days because i needed some time for myself.He texted me he still has some of my things if he can bring them over and i said yes.We again went for a drink,had a good time.He told me he has some of my things still.So that was in the end of January(he texted me for my things and how i am,and when i dont answer texts he calls).So yesteday he asked me if we could meet because i still have some legale papers of his(i study law and i asked a friend lawyer for help) and that he will bring my things.We went for a drink and had a great time,we laughed and talked for 2 hours.(he didnt bring me my things he said he forgot them)He asked me after drink if i would like to go eat something and i accepted but before that he needed to go to his apartmant to pick something up i he inveted me in(i said no)he insisted but i said no again so i waited for him outside.After diner our conversation turned to ex boyfriends and ex girlfriends(he is very good friend with his ex-they were together 10years ago ) and i said that we all always go back to our ex(i was thinking him) but i think he thinks i ment my ex before him so i got this feeling he was jealaus.He drove me home we taked some more and when i went home he said it was nice,see you soon.I dont know what to think.Does he still have feelings for me but got bored in our relationship and just needs time to figure some things or is he friend-zoned me ? What should i do ? Since we broke up after a month feeling down i put myself up(i workout,go to work,school,i take care of me more-for the past year it wasnt important to me how i looked only thing that was important was that i was with him).Ohh and i forgot to tell i came across this page a week ago..i purchesed a guide and i dont know if a no contact is what i am suposed to do 2 months after break-up.He isnt angry or anything with me he is always nice when we taked.I know this was very long but THANK YOU for your answer and advice.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 12, 2017 at 6:13 pm

      Hi Maki,

      maybe he got bored of the relationship but right now, you’re more likely friendzoned.. I don’t think it’s too late to start nc.. You can start the count week ago, but if you still kept talking last week, start the count at first day you stopped initiating and responding to his texts

    2. Maki

      February 13, 2017 at 8:39 am

      For how long should i do the no contact-21 or 30 days

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 14, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      I think you should do at least 30 days

    4. Britt

      February 14, 2017 at 11:34 am

      We’ve been broken up for 4 months, when we were talking everything seemed to be going well and in the right direction. Is there anything I can do to get him interested again?

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 14, 2017 at 8:58 pm

      thats long.. but being hot and cold doesn’t help you build rapport..he more likely untagged himself to move on.. for me you should too but if you really want to try one last time, when you’re trying to build rapport, build rapport consistently.. follow the tide theory..if he’s not responding, then it’s really time to move on

    6. Maki

      February 16, 2017 at 6:48 pm

      Hi Amor,so yestrday he asked me to bring me the rest of my stuff and we taked..i asked him if he thinks he made the right desition and he said yes that i deserve better and that he doesnt feel in love anymore.I cried and said i respect his desition and we shoudnt see each other.Today he wrote me that he regrets that things ended this way and i asked him if he ever regrets his desition will he tell me and he promised me he will.Is the no contact rule still good idea for me or should i just give up 🙁 thank you

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2017 at 9:34 pm

      restart the no contact rule, finish it, and be very active in improving yourself.. Make him regret by your improving yourself. and then slowly rebuild rapport after. If it doesn’t work out at least you still have your better self and then move on.

  6. Anon

    February 10, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    Amor, just had an awkward run in with the ex, before NC ended. I was drunk. He saw me. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2017 at 9:20 pm

      Hi Anon,

      did you talk to him? If not, just continue the nc period..

    2. Anon

      February 10, 2017 at 10:34 pm

      Yeah we exchanged hellos and an awkward hug. I probably would’ve talked more but I also got the impression he was avoiding eye contact and conversation.

    3. Anon

      February 10, 2017 at 10:41 pm

      I left out *would have talked more due to the influence of alcohol. But the exchange was cut short. Do I extend NC or continue as planned?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2017 at 11:41 pm

      hmm.. I think you should just continue as planned..since you didn’t talk or said anything about feelings and the relationship

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