I have been thinking about writing something like this for a long time.
In fact, I have written guides around male psychology before.
However, those guides tend to focus on one specific aspect of men and don’t create a clear game plan for using male psychology to your advantage when it comes to getting an ex boyfriend back. This guide is going to do that.
Think of it like the ultimate guide for using everything that I (Chris Seiter) know about men to get your ex boyfriend back.
Still a little confused?
Ok, imagine if throughout this entire process you had my knowledge of men. Essentially, what I am trying to do with this page is lend you my brain so you can use it on your ex boyfriend. This means that I am about to give you every clever trick I have ever thought up as well as my entire knowledge of the mystery that is men.
This guide is going to be very ambitious and will probably be one of the longer entries in Ex Boyfriend Recovery. So, make sure you buckle up because this could be one wild ride.
My Definition Of Male Psychology
Male psychology is officially defined as:
The gender related psychology of the male human identity
Now, before I say anything I do want to point out that I consider myself to be pretty intelligent (even I have a bit of an ego to feed.) However, when I am faced with definitions like the one above I always shake my head and think to myself,
“Why do they have to use those ten dollar words to describe something simple?”
Forget the definition above. There is no need for me to confuse you with ten dollar words. Instead, we are going to be going by my definition of male psychology. Oh, and in case you are wondering my definition is a lot shorter, simpler and much easier to understand.
Male Psychology = How Men Think
Pretty simple right?
Oh, and if you are wondering what sets this page apart from all the other pages on the internet I am going to say something that may be a little controversial. I am the foremost authority online right now on how men think.
What makes me say that?
Well, the fact that I am actually a man probably helps and I challenge you to find someone who goes into more detail into how men think than I do.
(If you do find someone then please let me know in the comments below so I can up my game to beat them 😉 .)
The Categories Of Male Psychology Relating To Your Ex
As I said above, this guide is going to be a very ambitious project.
Especially if I am going to make good on my promise to lend you my brain. In other words, I definitely have my work cut out for me if I am going to teach you everything about male psychology and how you can use it to get your ex boyfriend back.
When I was brainstorming for this guide I was trying to figure out a way in which I could break it up into different sections so it isn’t so overwhelming.
After about a day of planning I feel I worked out a very efficient system in which I can teach you what I have to teach without you experiencing information overload.
Section 1: The Different Types Of Men (Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back)
Section 2: What Your Ex Boyfriend Probably Thinks About You
Section 3: What Men Look For In A Relationship
Section 4: The Idea Of The Ungettable Girl (Before And During A Relationship)
Section 5: Male Psychology And Silence
Section 6: How To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend
Section 7: Ex Boyfriends Sometimes Realize Too Late
These 7 sections are literally going to be the life force of this page. While at first glance it may seem like some of these have nothing to do with male psychology I guarantee you that every single thing I talk about in these sections will tie directly into how men think.
Alright, I am tired of setting this guide up. Lets get to the good stuff!
Section 1: The Different Types Of Men
(Check out The Secrets of Attracting Men for more insight into the different types of men.)
You know what makes human beings so interesting?
It’s the fact that none of us are perfect.
I have been running Ex Boyfriend Recovery for quite some time. So, it goes without saying that I have encountered a lot of crazy scenarios. If you were to ask me,
“What is the craziest scenario you have ever seen?”
I would have one very simple answer,
“It’s impossible to pick one. Instead, I always find myself scratching my head and wondering why some women have fallen for men who literally treat them like dirt.”
Lately I have been thinking about that a lot.
What makes women fall for these jerks?
I sat on that question for a few days, wracking my brain for a feasible answer. Yet, no matter what answer I could come up with nothing really made sense. It wasn’t until I was running errands a few days ago that the true answer magically fell into my lap.
I love music.
In fact, I don’t think I could live without it.
Music gets me through workouts, it gets me through hard times and music has accompanied me through the creation of this site. Seriously, I can’t write anything without music playing in the background. Oh, and in case you are wondering I am literally listening to music as I am writing these words (Holding On For Life by “Broken Bells.”)
So, as I was running errands in my car a few days ago a song happened to come onto the radio.
The song was by John Legend and it was called “All Of Me.” I usually don’t like slower stuff but something about this song drew me in. So, I listened to the song and the answer to my question came when the chorus kicked in.
There is a phrase in the chorus that goes,
All Your Perfect Imperfections
I felt as though a light bulb had just went off and I started connecting all the dots.
When you are so deeply in love with someone you can literally fall in love with their imperfections. In other words, everything about that person becomes perfect. This is why some women on this site go after these men who have treated them very poorly.
What does any of this have to do with male psychology and getting an ex back?
Well, if you want your ex boyfriend back then I am already assuming that you are deeply in love with him. While I don’t doubt that your feelings are real. I do want to open your eyes a little bit so you can see the full picture. In other words, I want to help show you the truth about men (and your ex boyfriend) since right now your judgement may be a little clouded by the “perfect imperfections” deal 😉 .
Your Chances Of Getting Your Ex Back Based On Types Of Men
Lets take a business like view to getting your ex boyfriend back.
Lets pretend that I gave you $1,000 to invest in seven companies (your welcome by the way.) Of course, I do have one condition. You are only allowed to choose one of the seven companies to invest the $1,000 in. When you are faced with these conditions you want to make sure you are smart about your decision to invest your money. For example, if you pick one bad company you could lose everything. On the other hand, if you pick the right company your money could be doubled or tripled.
Getting your ex boyfriend back is actually a lot like this. Except, instead of investing capital in the form of money you will be investing emotional capital into a relationship. This means that you need to make sure you back the right horse. Otherwise, you are going to be in a position where you are going to get hurt.
So, what I have done for you is broken down the most common types of men and I have given you my reasoning for if they are a good “pick” to invest your emotional capital into. Yes, I am comparing men to stock picks.
Lets go over the types of men that I will be covering.
- The Bad Boy
- The Commitment Phobe
- The Super Committed
- The Pickup Artist
- The Controller
- The Egomaniac
- The Combination
(Disclaimer: I do want to point out that there are literally thousands of types of men. I just decided to pick the seven most common types of men that everyone talks about and give you my knowledge on them and if they are even worth your time.)
The Bad Boy
When I was younger I always used to wonder why all women wanted to date the “bad boys.”
This was especially frustrating for me since I have never considered myself a “bad boy.” I would be talking to a girl I really liked and I would get the feeling that she would like me back. However, 2 weeks later I would find out that she was dating a BB (bad boy.)
It wasn’t until years later that I finally figured out the attraction women have to them. You see, it is every woman’s dream to date a bad boy and be a strong enough force in his life to reform him to the “good.” There is just one problem. A guy who is a true BB is probably not going to want to change.
Before I go any deeper lets take a look at what a bad boy actually is.
What Is A Bad Boy?
I have thought a lot about how to describe the bad boy and I finally settled on this.
A guy who is a bad boy isn’t just a guy who has a motorcycle and lives on the wild side. A BB has more to him than that.
He doesn’t care what the world thinks about him.
- He is very confident with himself.
- He is selfish as he will put his needs before yours.
- He will say inappropriate things (make hurtful jokes.)
- He has an aura of “uncaring” surrounding him (much like that of the ungettable girl.)
- He is immature when it comes to his love life.
As you will find with a lot of these types of men each has their good attractive traits and their unattractive traits. I guess what we are trying to figure out is if the good traits outweigh the bad. For example, the thing that bad boys do better than everyone else is not caring what anyone thinks. This gives them this amazing confidence.
Actually, I would consider one of my good friends a bad boy. He certainly has the “look” for it as he has tattoos pretty much everywhere. Seriously, I am talking arms, stomach, legs, hands and fingers. Here is the thing though, I don’t think he is the best looking guy in the world yet the confidence that he has is incredible.
I remember I was asking him a question once about how I should approach a girl I was “talking” to a long time ago.
Me: “Should I call her?”
Him: “What are you talking about? NEVER call a girl. Look, girls should be calling you for dates. If they don’t take the initiative to talk to you on the phone themselves then they aren’t worth it.”
Did his advice work for me?
No it did not.
His advice is based on his own experience. He is definitely considered a bad boy and I am definitely not. So, what works for him can’t work for me. It’s not that I don’t have confidence it’s just BB’s exhibit a totally different type of confidence that no other type of man can pull off.
Is Your Ex Even Worth Getting Back If He Is A Bad Boy?
Now we are getting to the million dollar question.
If your ex boyfriend is considered a bad boy is he a worthy investment of your time to get back?
I guess it really depends on what you want. If you are looking for something serious then I am not quite sure the bad boy is going to be able to provide that for you. While he may mature into a worthy cantidate down the road, right now he just isn’t there.
Let me put it this way.
Out of all the types of men I will talk about in this section the bad boy probably isn’t going to be the guy for you in the long run. While there are always exceptions, generally speaking, most bad boys are flings for most women (at least that is what I see at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.)
So, if you are asking my advice on the BB as a pick for your emotional capital I would have to say he isn’t a worthy long term investment.
The Commitment Phobe
This is a type of man I see all to often at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
Pretty much every day I hear a story like this,
Chris, I was dating this guy. He was incredible. We were the perfect match. Blah, Blah, Blah. Yet despite all this he refused to define our relationship. He is afraid to commit to me.
A man who is a commitment phobe generally has this amazing ability to have all the right qualities for women yet when it comes down to it he won’t fully commit to them. This begs an interesting question. What made him like that?
Why He Is Afraid Of Commitment
Generally speaking, the commitment phobe comes with a lot of baggage.
Most commitment phobes didn’t start out with a fear of commitment. In fact, they were probably way over committed in a relationship before you. However, in the relationship that they were over committed in they were severely hurt and it caused them to close up.
It’s really unfortunate because they are really ruining any chance they have to have a normal and stable relationship. However, I have seen this exact thing unfold time and time again.
Of course, there will always be those CP’s (commitment phobes) that get addicted to the fact that their inability to commit makes women chase them like crazy. Seriously, they kind of love the fact that almost every woman seeking a strong relationship will chase them. So, they won’t commit to anyone because they love to be chased by women.
Is Your Ex Worth Getting Back If He Is A Commitment Phobe?
Ok, I am trying to look at all these types of men in as rational a way as I possibly can.
Commitment phobes are bad news.
Hey, I get it. There is that voice in the back of your head that is telling you that maybe you are enough to make him commit. However, if he hasn’t ever committed to you fully then that is very troubling. I would say that commitment phobes are a high risk investment.
In other words, I would say that they are not the ideal type to attempt to get back. Again, it’s not impossible to get them back but it’s just going to be much harder because you have a lot of challenges ahead of you.
Oh, and I should also probably mention that CP’s are the most likely type of men to use you. You can read all about that here.
The Super Committed
This is the exact opposite of a commitment phobe.
This type of man wants nothing more than to commit to you. Heck, he may even try to go too fast to lock you down.
I know what you are thinking.
“What’s the problem? This guy sounds perfect.”
While this type of man is very committed to the women he dates there is one big flaw that is created as a result of his uber commitment. He is a high risk for jealousy and possessiveness. Allow me to expand on that.
The Flaws Of The Super Committed
A man who is committed to you on an intense level is going to feel a lot of intense emotion. While you probably love the commitment from him it is going to be hard for you to match his intensity. You see, the SC (super committed) is going to expect you to match his level of commitment and when he feels that you haven’t it is going to drive him nuts and make him a little insecure.
In his mind he is going to look at the situation like this,
“If I am this committed to her the she should be just as committed to me.”
So, any time he senses that you aren’t matching his intensity it is going to create anger within him. In other words, his level of commitment will make him possessive of you. For example, any time he senses you being a little flirty with another guy he won’t be cool with it. Instead, he will think of it like this,
“I never do that with other women so why does she think it’s ok?”
The SC’s flaws of jealousy and possessiveness can often lead the woman (or you in this case) to break up with him as she can’t stand all the arguments anymore. Of course, there is a certain situation where the super committed will end up breaking up with you.
That situation occurs if there is cheating involved from your side.
This leads me to my next point.
Is Your Ex Worth Getting Back If He Is Super Committed?
I would say yes!
However, before you skip on to the next type of man I want you to read the fine print.
Most men who are super committed are aware of their possessive and jealous nature and are actively trying to figure out a way to beat it back. What you could do to make things easier for them is to continually reassure them that you are theirs. Men like this do need a lot of reassurance. It’s just the way they are.
Of course, I would say if you cheated on a man who is super committed to you, your emotional investment may not pay off because to men like this cheating is the ultimate no no. So, keep that in mind.
The Pickup Artist
The pickup artist has many names. Some women like to call this type of man a “player.” Others have dubbed him as a “ladies man.” I like to call him the pickup artist because his whole life revolves around one thing, women.
You see, the pickup artist specializes in fascinating women. He is charming, confident and knows exactly what to say at the right time. In other words, women literally flock to him like sheep.
Here is an interesting question.
If you were to take an average guy who is not all that great with women and suddenly imbue him with the power to get any woman he ever wanted what do you think would happen?
Do you think he would be the same average guy who just wanted a girlfriend more than anything?
Do you think he would change completely and literally jump from woman to woman?
It’s kind of like that movie Bruce Almighty. You know, the one where God literally gives Jim Carrey all of his powers for a period of time. What does Jim Carrey do when he has those powers? He essentially wreaks havoc and does all sorts of things that he wants to do.
The pickup artist is kind of like that except with women.
So, this leads us to an interesting question. How can you tell if your ex boyfriend is a pickup artist?
Qualities Of The Pickup Artist
The PA’s (Pickup Artist) major flaw is his wandering eye.
For example, you could be dating a PA and he could be completely in love with you. However, he has to try extra hard not to fall for other women. It’s probably a good idea for me to give you an example to illustrate this point.
Lets say that your ex boyfriend is a pickup artist.
While he is definitely in love with you he can’t stop himself from staring at other beautiful women.
Where most guys will admire other women the pickup artist has the ability to actually get those other women. So, he is faced with a bit of a dilemma.
Does he remain faithful to you and turn off his “fascinating” qualities that other women find so attractive?
Does he “fascinate” the other women and become unfaithful to you?
This leads me to my next point about pickup artists. If your ex boyfriend is considered a PA is he even worth getting back?
Is Your Ex Worth Getting Back If He Is A Pickup Artist
I am going to make this really simple for you.
There is one type of relationship that I look for here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. If you do happen to get your ex boyfriend back I want it to be a long lasting SERIOUS relationship. No, I am not saying you have to get married or anything like that but I would like for both people to be committed to one another.
If your ex boyfriend happens to be a pickup artist then I would say that he is not a good candidate to invest your emotional capital into.
Look, I don’t know about you but a lot of relationships can’t survive infidelity and make no mistake about it, a PA is a likely candidate for cheating.
Of course, if you do want to learn something interesting about PA’s then I would tell you that they actually aren’t that hard to get back. Well, let me rephrase that. They aren’t that hard to “reconnect” with if you catch my meaning.
However, if you are looking for that long lasting relationship then I am sorry but a PA isn’t going to be the one for you.
The controller has this primal need to control everything.
He needs to know where his girlfriend or wife is at, at all times. He needs to know who she is with and what she is up to wherever she goes. This can rub a lot of women the wrong way as no one really likes to be controlled. So, where did this primal need to control come from?
I have thought a lot about this and have come up with two main reasons that some men are like this.
The Two Reasons That The Controller Needs To Control
Let me start off by saying that there are probably thousands of reasons that some men feel a need to control a woman and no matter how rational those reasons may sound it is never ok to try to control another human being.
With that being said, we can learn a lot about what makes these types of men tick by looking into their mindsets or their reasons for control.
As I said above, I have come up with two main reasons that men like this seek control. Lets take a look at the first one right now.
Reason 1- Immaturity
I see this a lot with younger men. Well, I suppose if they are younger they aren’t quite men yet so we can call them boys, younger boys. How young are we talking?
Well, I have seen this a lot with boys in high school and boys in their early twenties. At this age some men/boys haven’t matured and aren’t very confident with their relationships. As a result, they let their fear of a woman cheating on them control them as they attempt to control you.
Reason 2- Past Experiences
The second reason revolves solely around cheating. There are a certain segment of men who didn’t start out as controlling. However, they dated someone who ended up cheating on them and literally destroyed their view of relationships. Every time these men date someone after this experience they may be extra paranoid and try to control their new partner for fear of history repeating itself.
So, if your ex boyfriend turns out to be a controller is he worth even trying to get back?
Is Your Ex Worth Getting Back If He Is A Controller?
This may be a little controversial but I actually think that he is worth your emotional capital.
Well, men who are controllers are open to communication generally. As long as you are able to communicate that he is your one and only and you do a good job of letting him know that you will cause their grip hold on control to slowly loosen.
Sure, there will always be risk involved with men who have this need to control but some risks are worth it.
Remember though, you have to do a good job of constantly reassuring him that you are his completely. That is all these types of men want.
The egomaniac is all about the ego.
These type of men are extremely selfish and shallow. In other words, they are the type of guys that only date women for their looks. Sure, personality may matter down the road but for them, looks are 80% of the equation. The perfect example of men who are egomaniacs is if you look at pretty much every male on that show, “The Jersey Shore.”
Those guys are literally obsessed with feeding their egos.
They tan too much, they work out obsessively (I am guilty of this one too sometimes though 🙁 ) and they jump from girl to girl and it’s all to feed their ego.
Oh, and don’t think that the egomaniac only extends to the men obsessed with doing bicep curls and staring at themselves in the mirror. No, we can also include some prominent business men in the talks as well. You know, the Gordon Gecko (please get that reference) types of the world.
These are the types of guys that feed their egos by comparing how much they make to their counterparts. They will walk into a room and think to themselves,
“I make more money than everyone here.”
That sense of “money power” is addicting to them and it feeds their egos.
So, what does any of this have to do with your ex boyfriend? Well, if you have identified your ex boyfriend as an egomaniac then the thing you have to understand is that he is probably an incredibly selfish person. He will always be putting himself ahead of you but more on that later. There is still some insight I have to dish out on the egomaniacs in the word.
Egomaniacs = More Insecure Deep Down
Ok, I am just going to come clean to you here.
Every single man on the face of the earth has an ego. Once we reach a certain age we all like to think that we are the baddest mother f***ers on the face of the earth. This is pretty normal for every guy out there. What separates a normal man from an egomaniac is that they they take their BAMF status to an insane level.
Let me ask you a question. Why do you think an egomaniac needs to constantly feed his ego with lots of money, lots of weights and lots of pretty girls?
It’s because he doesn’t think he’s good enough. Rather than looking inwards and trying to achieve happiness he looks outwards to fill the void.
Egomaniacs are insecure.
It’s as simple as that.
Is Your Ex Worth Getting Back If He Is An Egomaniac?
Remember above how I was talking about how egomaniacs can be incredibly selfish?
Well, allow me to expand on that.
Egomaniacs are already in love with someone, themselves. After all, they spent so much time trying to fill their insecurity void so they have a lot invested in themselves. If your ex is an egomaniac the main challenge you are going to be facing is trying to make him fall in love with you more than he is with himself.
This can be a tough task for many women as egomaniacs tend to be extremely stubborn.
In my opinion, the risk of your emotional capital isn’t worth it if your ex is an egomaniac. There is just too much going against you.
Lets move on to the most interesting type of man, the combination.
So far pretty much every type of male I have talked about has been pretty negative.
We have the risks of the bad boys, the commitment issues of the commitment phobes, the possesive nature of the super committed, the sweet talking of the pickup artists, the controlling nature of the controller and the ego of the egomaniac.
Of course, I did outline a few good qualities in each of those types of men as well but generally I did focus on the negative.
There is a flaw with that line of thinking because some men aren’t any of the types that I mentioned above. Instead, they are a combination of either the good qualities or the bad qualities. I will give you an example using yours truly.
Yup, I don’t think I am specifically any of those types of the men I talked about. Rather, I probably have different qualities taken from each of them.
For fun, I will go down the list (of each type) and give you my honest opinion of what qualities I think I have. Lets start with the bad boy.
The Bad Boy
To be honest, there is nothing “bad” or “edgy” about me. So, I would say I don’t have really have any qualities of the bad boy (good or bad.)
The Commitment Phobe
I don’t think I have ever had trouble committing to someone who I have truly fallen for. I take my personal relationships very seriously and when I commit to someone I feel I do everything in my power to make sure that, that relationship survives (yes, I am that serious.) So, I don’t think I have commitment phobe qualities.
The Super Committed
I feel I do have qualities of the super committed. Oh, and I am man enough to admit that I have inherited some of the bad qualities as well. The one that comes to mind here is the matching level of commitment. If I feel I get in a relationship with someone and they don’t match my level of commitment to the relationship it can make me a little insecure.
The Pickup Artist
I am not the type of guy to go to a bunch of bars specifically to pick up girls. In fact, that has never been me. I often look at men who do this as kind of pathetic. Jumping from relationship to relationship isn’t impressive to me. In my opinion, creating a relationship with a solid foundation, a strong level of commitment and communication is the most impressive thing that anyone can strive for when it comes to relationships.
So, I don’t think I have any pickup artist qualities. Though I will say that I can be charming when I need to be so maybe I do have that going for me 😉 .
If every human being had their way they would be able to control their significant others.
Think about it for a minute. If you were able to control your ex boyfriend you would still be with him and you wouldn’t even know this site exists. Of course, it is impossible to control a human being. I learned this fact a long time ago and I learned to accept it.
I don’t try to control people. It is a pointless waste of time to try to control someone.
No, what I always end up telling myself is that if I can influence someone so much there won’t ever be a need to control.
Did I lose you?
It’s probably best if I give you an example.
Lets pretend that you and I are dating. Since you are a very pretty girl we are going to naturally assume that you get asked out by a lot of guys.
The guys asking you out = Temptation.
Now, lets say a guy friend of yours who has had a massive crush on you asks you out for lunch.
All of a sudden you are going to be faced with a choice.
Do you accept and go to lunch with this guy (who obviously has a crush on you) or do you decline the lunch?
Well, the way I like to look at the situation is that it would be impossible for me to control you. So, rather than starting some meaningless fight or bringing up any trust issues I would simply take all of that out of the equation and let you do what you wanted to do.
What I like to think though is that I will have put in so much work in caring for the relationship that you would choose not to even entertain the idea of going out with this guy who had a crush on you. In other words, I am such a positive influence on you that you choose not to mess with the connection we have built.
Influence > Control
Do I have an ego?
Of course I have an ego. I mean, for christ sakes I am using myself as an example of “the combination.”
However, every man has a bit of an ego to feed. The thing about me is that I understand where the line between having a “healthy ego” and becoming an egomaniac is. I don’t need fast cars, multiple women and a lot of money to be proud of myself.
If you give me the love of a good woman. Enough money to not have to stress about bills every month and good health I can live for the rest of my life as the happiest man on this planet.
Is He Worth Getting Back If He Is A Combination?
It depends on what combination he is.
If he is just a massive combination of the bad qualities from all the types of men above then I would say to steer clear. However, if he is a combination of some good and some bad or just all good then I say he is worth the time and effort.
Section 2: What Your Ex Boyfriend Probably Thinks About You
(For more information on what an ex thinks about you check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
In this section I would like to talk about what your ex boyfriend probably thinks about you post breakup.
Now, before I get started I do want to point out that an ex boyfriend could literally think thousands of things about you so it is going to be impossible for me to tell you specifically what your ex is thinking in your particular situation.
(I’m not a mind reader after all.)
What I can do for you is give you a tour of the male mind during a breakup. In other words, I am going to show you the universal things that every male ex will think during a breakup. Lets start with the most prevalent thing on his mind, anger.
Your Ex Boyfriend Will Be Angry
Anger is a common emotion to experience after a breakup.
What causes a man to be angry after a breakup?
Well, a lot of factors can contribute to this. Lets use me as an example. If you and I were to date and then break up I guarantee you that I would be very angry at you. It doesn’t even matter if you were mature about the breakup and did everything the right way. No matter what I would be angry at you.
I am going to say something very controversial here.
I think men are hurt by rejection more than women are.
What makes me say this?
Well, every man wants to believe that he is the best relationship that you have ever had. He wants to believe that he was the best sex you ever had, the best cuddler, the best at communicating and the best at being there for you. If you were to have a checklist of qualities that you want the perfect man to have your boyfriend would want to be top dog in every single category.
Some women do an incredible job at making a man feel he is the best. Remember, we all have an ego to feed.
My overall point to all of this revolves around the breakup. Post breakup your ex boyfriend is going to think back to all of the things you told him that he was the best at and he will peg you as a liar (since you two are now broken up.) Oh, and he will still do this if he was the one that broke up with you.
Wait, how does that work?
I mean, its obvious if you were the one to break up with him that he would hold some resentment and question if you really meant what you said about him being “the best” in some aspect of your life. However, if he was the one to break up with you what could possibly be going on in his mind to lead him to thinking about your comments about him being “the best?”
As a guy I can tell you that it’s not enough to hear you say that we are the best you have ever had.
(Side Note: When I say “the best you ever had” I am not talking about sex. I am talking about something deeper than that. I am talking about how men want to feel that they are the only man that matters to you. In every aspect of your life.)
So, it’s not enough for us to hear it. We also need to feel it. If we don’t feel it then we begin to question if you are telling the truth when you say that we are the “best” at something.
Well, if we were pushed to a point where we had to break up with you then that means that we didn’t feel we were the best. So, we look back and automatically assume that you didn’t mean anything you said.
This entire process adds fuel to the anger fire.
A Word On Cheating
I want to specifically talk about what an ex boyfriend will think if YOU were the one that cheated on him.
I guess I should start by telling you my personal beliefs on cheating since I am technically your window into the mind of a man. If we were dating and you did any of the following things I would consider you to be cheating,
- If you were to hold hands while going for a stroll in the park with another guy.
- If you kissed someone else (on the lips.)
- If you were to touch someone in a sexual way (2nd or 3rd base.)
- Obviously, if you had sex with someone else. (Man or Woman)
The truth of the situation is that when you date someone there has to be certain aspects of yourself that you set aside for just that one person to enjoy. Otherwise, if you let everyone equally enjoy the benefits what separates your boyfriend from any of your guy friends?
I guess this brings us to the million dollar question.
If you cheated on your ex could he ever forgive you?
I suppose I will speak first on this subject before I talk about men in general because my beliefs may be slightly different than the mainstream beliefs.
You see, I understand that scientifically over the course of history humans have had a tough time remaining faithful to one another. I have heard all of that,“humans aren’t meant to be monogamous” talk and I have even cited it for this site before.
Personally, I don’t buy into that at all.
I think relationships take work to survive and sometimes that work isn’t fun to do but it is necessary for it to survive. People who cheat can sometimes take the easy way out rather than communicate their problems to their significant other.
For me, cheating is where I draw the line.
With me, it’s a one strike your out policy, no exceptions. I feel I am one of the most loyal human beings on earth and if I can bring that level of commitment to a relationship my partner should be able to as well.
Could I ever forgive a cheater though?
I could absolutely forgive someone who cheated on me. However, I would never date them again. That’s where I draw the line. I have seen too much through this site to allow myself to be with someone who has cheated on me.
But what about your ex boyfriend?
If you cheated on him would he be willing to take you back?
It’s not impossible as I have seen it multiple times and have even helped put a few couples back together in that exact situation. However, I would say that the odds are against you. Trust in relationships is like blood in the human body. Without blood the human body can’t survive and without trust relationships can’t either.
Cheating destroys that trust and believe me when I say that it is hard to get back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not impossible but it will be challenging.
Anger Tends To Be Temporary
The single greatest blind spot that everyone has when it comes to relationships has to be the inability to look at things with a big picture perspective. We are all so wrapped up in all the little emotions that come and go with being with someone that we often forget to look at the long term picture.
I feel this blind spot carries over to anger after a break up as well. Too often, I hear from women who say stuff like,
“What if he gets so angry at me that he completely cuts me out?”
Women who think that don’t understand the big picture of how anger works. As a guy who has been angry with a female before I can tell you that at first a guy may mutter something like,
“I’ll show her by cutting her out of my life forever.”
However, when you get angry you are not thinking from a place of logic. Instead, you are thinking from a place of pure emotion. Eventually though, with time, you begin to come down to earth and mellow out. Really, the only X factor in all of this is how long it will take for the anger to subside and that can depend on a number of factors.
Take cheating for example.
I guarantee you that if you had cheated on your ex boyfriend then he is going to be angry with you longer than if you had simply lied to him about something. However, the important thing to remember is that eventually (no matter what) he will get to a place where isn’t so angry with you.
(Though with cheating I will admit that, that may take a long while.)
Section 3 – What Men Look For In A Relationship
(Check out SAM (Secrets of Attracting Men) for more insight into men.)
Have you ever wondered to yourself,
“I wonder what men are really looking for in relationships?”
Well, in this section I plan on tackling that subject. I really have two goals for this section. The first goal is to teach you exactly what men are looking for in a relationship. The second goal is to show you how to properly give it to them.
Lets start at the beginning with what men crave in relationships.
What Men Really Want
Sex… end of story.
No, no, no I am just kidding you (well, they do want that too) but I aim to give you some deeper insight into men than that obvious one.
Throughout this guide I have mentioned that all men have egos to feed. Some egos are obviously bigger than others (The Egomaniac.)
What men want in a relationship is for you to feed their ego to the point where they feel like they are literally the most important person on planet earth. If all men had their way that is exactly what they would want from a relationship.
Let me give you an example.
Lets say that an imaginary couple that I just made up are dating. Lets give them some generic names like Billy and Betty.
Ok, so Billy and Betty are dating and Betty is doing an amazing job of feeding Billy lines like,
“You are the best I ever had.”
“I love you more than life itself.”
I think you get the picture…
Well, the more Billy begins to hear stuff like that the more his ego will be fed and the more confident he will become. The more he will crave that type of admiration from Betty. Now, lets take a look at the opposite side of the coin.
Lets say that Betty doesn’t do a good job of giving Billy the admiration he craves. Instead of Billy thinking something like,
“Wow, I can’t believe she cares for me this much.”
He is going to be thinking,
“Does she even care about me?”
Do you see the difference? If men don’t get the admiration they feel they are entitled to in a relationship they begin to lose interest. This leads us to an interesting question, what is the best way to give them admiration?
How To Properly Give Men The Admiration They Crave
So, now that you know that men basically want you to feed their egos in a relationship you should just go out and do it right?
Compliments/ego feedings have a way of getting stale if it happens too often.
For example, if you told someone you were dating that you loved the way he walked every single day that compliment might get a little stale and wouldn’t have the same effect that it had when you first said it.
No, the best way to give men the admiration they crave is to slowly spread it out. Make no mistake about it, that ego has to be fed. However, you always have to leave them wanting more. We like it when you tease us. Even if we say we don’t like it, don’t buy into it, we all like it.
So, give us a compliment but don’t do it every single moment of the day. You want us to know that we are important to you but you don’t want to let us know too much.
The best way I can put it is like this.
The second we stop craving your admiration is the second that we could potentially begin to lose interest. Always leave something for us to crave.
Section 4 – The Idea Of The Ungettable Girl
(Learn about the ungettable girl in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
What would the perfect girl be like?
Seriously, if we were to create a girl that no man could resist what would she be like? What qualities would she have?
It is through thinking like this that the idea of the ungettable girl was created. What I would like to do with this section is to not only talk a little bit about what an ungettable girl is but how an UG (ungettable girl) can keep a man interested in a relationship.
Oh, and since we are trying to solve the puzzle that is your ex boyfriend I would like to talk about how adopting the UG persona can help you in your quest to get him back.
Why Men Are Attracted To The Ungettable Girl
I want you to remember these next few words for the rest of your life,
Men always want what they can’t have.
For example, if they see a super attractive woman that they don’t know they will immediately be drawn to her. Of course, at this point the option of “having” her is still on the table. However, if he went up to her and she was friendly but unavailable he is going to chase her like crazy.
Women who often read this blog and misunderstand me when I say, “men want what they can’t have.”
They take that phrase as, “push men away and they will chase me.”
The ungettable girl is not necessarily mean. She is just unavailable. Let me give you an example.
Lets say I came up to you in a bar and you were completely mean and rude to me. While the rudeness you exhibited definitely stated that I can’t have you I don’t look at it like that. I will probably walk away thinking,
“Wow, what a b*tch.”
Lets rewind now.
If I came up to you in a bar and you were extremely personable, nice and even a little flirty but you were unavailable after that meeting I would be super attracted to you.
The ungettable girl isn’t mean. She is just kind of a tease. You almost have to lead a guy on a little to get him chasing you for a while. I know that sounds wrong but you know what, you wanted to know what men are attracted to so there you go.
The Ungettable Girl In A Relationship
This is where things get interesting.
We have already established that men want what they can’t have. So, how can you keep a man interested in a relationship when he already has you?
Well, the first little insight that I would like to dish out is that once you become an ungettable girl it is entirely possible to lose that status in the eyes of a man. Women who are in a relationship often understand this when they begin to see their man become slowly disinterested in them.
So, I suppose the million dollar question is how do you remain a ungettable girl to your man when you are in a relationship with him?
Here is what you have to do.
You need to make us understand that we have you but you also need to make us understand that we can lose you at the same time. It is a delicate balance and it can be quite challenging to pull off. Let me give you an example.
Lets say that you and your man have gone out for a dinner date. Everything is going great. You are into him and he is into you. You have been pretty excited for this date so you dressed up really nice and as a result you are getting a lot of looks from other men.
Your boyfriend sees these looks and realizes that with all the attention you are getting it could be easy for you to get another man. This realization will keep him interested in you but it will also keep him in line.
Of course, I do feel compelled to mention that if you are getting a lot of attention from other men you are walking a very fine line. I guarantee you that your boyfriends mind is going to jump to the worst thoughts imaginable,
“What if she were to go out with one of these guys?”
“It would probably be so easy for her to cheat on me…”
“Would I be able to survive if she did cheat on me?”
My point by telling you those phantom thoughts is simple. Don’t try to overdo it by flirting with all the guys you are getting attention from. It is simply enough for your boyfriend to see how easy it would be for you to take your business elsewhere. If he actually sees you letting the other man advance then your boyfriend is going to develop some serious trust issues and the thing about ungettable girls is that they ARE to be trusted.
Your Ex Boyfriend And You (The Ungettable Girl)
Now we have arrived at the section I feel almost everyone on this site is going to be most interested in.
How can becoming an ungettable girl help you if you and your boyfriend have already broken up?
Well, I am going to assume that two scenarios have already unfolded.
- Scenario 1- You were an ungettable girl, you got your man (your ex) but during the relationship you lost your ungettable status and a breakup occurred.
- Scenario 2- You were never an ungettable girl at any time when you dated your ex boyfriend.
As always, I want to give you a little more insight into each of these scenarios. Lets begin with scenario 1!
If you were indeed an ungettable girl and you got your man you should be happy right? Well, as I said in the last section. It is actually quite easy to slip up and lose your ungettable status in a relationship. What I am assuming happened is that you slowly lost control and your ex just began to lose interest.
Lets look at it from his perspective.
When he was chasing you at the beginning of the relationship it was actually quite fun for him because he didn’t have you yet. The feelings he felt and the rush he got when he won you over was probably very overwhelming for him. That feeling is probably quite addicting and when that feeling slowly went away during the relationship he began to lose interest.
So, now that the two of you are broken up what can you do to get him back?
This is actually a very challenging scenario since he already kind of knows what a relationship with you is like.
What you really need to focus on is recreating that initial rush that he got when he first started going after you. In other words, you need to become the ungettable girl again. Once you do that he should chase you and you should have an opportunity to get him back.
Lets say that you do get him back.
Well, then it’s up to you to find the line between making him understand that he has you but he could lose you. It’s amazing how people react when they realize they have something to lose.
If you were never an ungettable girl in the first place then your campaign for getting your ex boyfriend back might be easier than you think.
The first thing you need to do is figure out what type of behavior you exhibited that turned your ex boyfriend off. In other words, what did you do wrong? You can reference these guides for help on that,
Once you determine exactly what you did wrong I want you to cut that behavior out of your life completely.
I am pretty sure you guessed the next step!
BECOME THE UNGETTABLE GIRL!
Put all your effort into that one goal and I promise you the results will be incredible.
Section 5 – Male Psychology And Silence
(If you want help figuring out how to properly use the no contact rule check out PRO.)
Forget about your ex boyfriend for a moment.
I just want to talk about men in general.
One thing I have established throughout this entire guide is that men have an ego. We all love to think that we are the best boyfriend, husband, lover, friend, etc that you have ever had. While the smart ones may not actually come out and say it they are definitely thinking it.
“What man could be better than me?”
So, keeping this in mind, what do you think happens when you enter things like silence into the equation?
Perhaps it would be better for me to give you a live example.
Lets say that you are dating a guy and he has a firm belief that he is the best boyfriend you have ever had. Well, you are basically feeding this belief every time you text, call, compliment or spend any type of time with him. Right now the two of you are on a schedule where you are talking constantly. In other words, there isn’t a moment where you two aren’t in contact.
Well, if you were to spend half a day in silence I guarantee you that his mindset will shift from,
“I am the best she has ever had.”
“Maybe she doesn’t think I am the best…”
Of course, when you do finally get back to him he will be ecstatic and his belief that he is the best will be restored. However, that half a day of silence will have created a fear within him that will make him realize your value.
Using silence to your advantage, while it has some risks, can be essential for helping you win your ex boyfriend back.
Let me expand on that a little bit more.
Silence With Exes
I feel like I am beating a dead horse every time I talk about the no contact rule on this site because I have done it so often.
So, rather than give you the same old boring information I always give you on the no contact rule I want to try something new. I want to give you a really good explanation of why the no contact rule can work on an ex, talk about the risks that are associated with the no contact rule and how I figured out a way to eliminate those risks.
I guess we can start with why NC has proven to be so effective on exes.
Why The No Contact Rule Works So Well On Ex Boyfriends
There are a lot of reasons that the no contact rule can work on an ex boyfriend.
Seriously, there are probably thousands.
However, when the no contact rule has been used on me before (and it has once or twice) I can tell you exactly what I was feeling, what was going through my head and why it was working on me.
I really think there is something to that “I am the best she has ever had” mindset that men have. For example, if we dated and I broke up with you I would be expecting you to sulk around and be super depressed because I was the best boyfriend you have ever had.
I would probably be expecting a bunch of “take me back” messages after a while because I was the best you ever had right? So, when I don’t see any depression, sulking or take me back messages I begin to doubt what my mind has constantly been telling me is true, that I was the best.
The second I begin to doubt this is the second I begin craving it again. There’s just one problem. If you are in a period of no contact then that means what I crave (your admiration) isn’t going to be coming to me anytime in the near future. This fact alone is enough to drive any man crazy.
This leads me to my next point on why the no contact rule can be effective.
No one likes to be ignored.
Your ex boyfriend is used to being top dog. Any time you had an interesting story he was the first one you shared it with. Any time you had something pressing to talk about he was probably the first person you went to. Any time you just needed to talk you most likely went to him.
Oh, and it probably worked both ways. Any time he needed to talk you were there for him.
Well, after a breakup occurs the rules change a bit. He isn’t the top dog anymore. Instead, you decided to use the no contact rule on him so he isn’t even a “dog” anymore. This simple fact can shell shock some men into coming back or realizing what they lost.
The Flaws With The No Contact Rule
I am not above saying that I have been wrong about certain things I have said on this site.
How to approach the no contact rule may have been one of them.
You see, when I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery the only knowledge I had on putting relationships back together was what I learned from the experts in this particular field. As I read book after book and product after product I was able to discover one common thread among each of them.
Pretty much every expert I trusted recommended the use of a no contact rule.
Here’s the thing though, my view of the no contact rule has changed a little bit since I started this site.
Well, I have literally seen thousands of women try it and I have heard all of their results. Watching what these women went through I was able to learn a lot. The truth of the matter is that the no contact rule does have some flaws.
For example, what if you decide to do the no contact rule and your ex boyfriend gets so angry that he threatens to block you out of his life forever? Oh, and what if you use NC on your ex and he resents it so much that he can’t ever get over the fact that you ignored him that long
My point is that there are some flaws that go along with the no contact rule.
Luckily, I have figured out a way to kind of work around flaws like these.
How To Work Around The Flaws
If you haven’t read my updated guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back I suggest you take some time out of your day and do so.
One of the big changes I made with my get your ex boyfriend back philosophy had to do with the no contact rule. I made a small change specifically because I thought that it would eliminate some of the flaws of the no contact rule.
So, what was the small change?
Well, in my original guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back I talked about a very strict 30 day no contact rule. I would tell people that under no circumstances should you break that 30 day period.
Because that was what all the experts would suggest.
The truth is that there is a better way to do the no contact rule.
Look, I am still a fan of 30 days. However, you can’t deny the fact that some exes may react very crazily (is that a word?) to the no contact rule. For example, some exes may frantically call, text or say very hurtful things to you.
Heck, you may have an ex even give you an ultimatum. You know, a message kind of like this,
“If you don’t pick up I swear to god I am going to cut you out of my life completely.”
If things like this begin to happen then that means two things.
- NC is working like gangbusters on your ex because if it is having this effect on him then it has to be working.
- Some of the flaws of the NC rule are surfacing (ultimatums, resentment, etc.)
So, lets pretend that your ex gives you an ultimatum on day 10 of the no contact rule. Well, by my old rules you would have to wait another 20 days before you could even speak to him. By that time you run the risk of an ex boyfriend becoming so upset he just decides to move on to someone else.
While I don’t think an ex boyfriend should be rewarded after a hissy fit with your presence I do think it is ok to shorten the no contact rule to shore up some of the risk you take with him moving on.
Lets stay with this example to illustrate my point.
At day 10 of the no contact rule your ex boyfriend begins to act like a child and gives you an ultimatum. Well, since NC has pushed him to this point you do know it is working. So, there is no need to make him suffer any longer and run the risk of him moving on by finishing out the 30 days. Instead, I suggest that you shorten your NC to 21 days.
Wait, why the extra time? Why not just end it right then and there?
Lets pretend your ex boyfriend is a child.
When a child throws a hissy fit about not getting the toy he/she wants are you supposed to reward that kind of behavior with a toy?
It’s the same type of principle. Yes, you will be shortening the no contact rule for him but you aren’t going to reward him right that second. You are going to make him wait a little bit.
So, lets recap because this is important.
Initially you are going to start off in a 30 day no contact rule. If you find that the NC rule is working really well then and only then are you allowed to shorten it to 21 days.
Section 6 – How To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend
(Check out my E-Book to learn more about what you can specifically say to your ex boyfriend.)
In this section I would like to talk about some of my theories on how you should be talking to your ex boyfriend.
Talking to an ex can be a very intimidating prospect because the entire re-attraction process hinges on your ability to reform a connection with this person you so desperately want back. When you add in the fact that one wrong step can be a major setback you get one of the trickiest situations ever.
Since this is a page about male psychology I would like to attack how to talk to your ex from that angle.
Specifically, what your ex boyfriend probably thinks when you talk to him.
What Annoys Every Man About Texting
Whenever someone asks me about what they should text their ex I give a pretty generic answer,
But what does that mean?
I’ll tell you what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean you give one word responses like this,
Believe me, I understand that just because a girl gives a one word response it doesn’t specifically mean she doesn’t like you. It could mean that shes just busy, tired, can’t think of anything else to say or even testing to see how interested a man is in a conversation.
I get it ok.
However, I am going to tell you something about men.
We hate getting one word responses on text messages. Seriously, if I took the time to think up a thoughtful text to send you what makes you think that you responding with “lol” is ok? Now, it’s not like I get mad if I get a one word response I simply don’t respond to that one word text.
This is problem is so prevalent among the women of this site that I couldn’t just sit back and let it happen anymore.
The name of the game is to be interesting and trust me when I say you aren’t doing yourself any favors if you are sending one word text responses. Look, I don’t care how busy you are or how you are feeling. Take the time to think of a good text to send no matter what.
Eliminate those one word responses.
The Three Factors Of Texting Your Ex Boyfriend
I am sorry if this is going to disappoint you but I am not going to be talking about what to specifically text your ex boyfriend. I feel I have written enough on that topic already and even have an E-Book practically dedicated to the topic.
Instead, I want to focus on the big picture ideas.
Specifically, what an ideal conversation with an ex boyfriend (or any man for that matter) should look like.
I have identified three things that you can look at to determine just how interested your ex boyfriend is in you. What are those three things?
- His/Your Response Time
- Your Word Count
- His Word Count
I know it may seem that I am nitpicking at small little factors here but trust me when I say that all of these factors are important. Lets start with the first factor.
His/Your Response Time
Ideally what you want to see here is that he is responding to your texts faster than you are responding to his.
I know this can be a little complicated so allow me to break it down for you a bit.
If a man is responding to your texts really quickly it probably means he is really interested to hear your response to his response. If you take your sweet time in getting back to him 10-15 minutes you will keep him on the edge of his seat and this is exactly where you want him.
The best piece of advice that I can give you here is to not be predictable. What do I mean by that?
Well, sometimes it is ok to respond immediately to his texts but then maybe you don’t respond for 8 minutes to the next one, 5 minutes for the next one, 30 minutes next and so on and so forth. My point is to mix it up. Don’t become predictable.
Your Word Count
If you think word count doesn’t matter then you are crazy.
In a perfect word his word count will consistently be more than your word count. However, we don’t live in a perfect world so a realistic goal to shoot for would be to try to get on even terms when it comes to word count. For example, if he sends you a text of 15 words then it would be smart of you to respond with a text of 15 words.
Here’s the deal though.
You have to find something really interesting to say (to keep your exes attention) in 15 words.
His Word Count
For a long time I have peddled the theory that how long his word count is in text messages is indicative of how interested he is in the conversation. For example, if you were texting your ex boyfriend and he sent you a text message of 3 words it is probably not a good sign because he doesn’t seem that interested in the conversation.
On the flip side, if you are texting your ex and he responds with 20 words then that is a good sign because he seems to be interested in the conversation.
Now, the X factor we haven’t talked about is what is said in those text messages because without a doubt what is said does matter.
If your ex takes 20 words to explain how much he doesn’t like you well then that isn’t a good sign because he is clearly still angry about the breakup.
Section 7 – Ex Boyfriends Sometimes Realize Too Late
And so we have reached the end…
At almost 12,000 words of highly charged insight into the male psyche we have reached section seven.
I wanted to include this section because I haven’t ever really talked about this on the website before. However, it is something I see time and time again and I found a clever way that you can use this to your advantage.
Your ex boyfriend may want you back at some point in the future. The problem is that, that point in the future is a long ways off. In fact, it isn’t until you have completely gotten over him that he wants you back. One of the first women I ever helped on this website experienced this phenomena first hand.
You see, when I met her she desperately wanted her ex boyfriend back. I am not going to lie, when she described him to me I literally told her,
“He sounds like a total loser. Are you sure you want him back?”
Of course she did.
So she tried…
While she didn’t do everything right she gave it her all and it still wasn’t enough. It was at this point that her eyes began to open and she began to realize just how much of a loser this guy really was. She focused on healing and moving on from the relationship. After some time and effort she came back and told me that she had never felt better and she was really happy without him.
That was when something amazing happened.
He started pursuing her again. It was almost like he sensed that she had moved on and he was interested all of a sudden (ungettable girl anyone?)
So, what happened here? Why did he react this way?
Why Men Realize When It’s Too late
Men have this funny way of not appreciating women in the moment.
Instead, they appreciate them when its too late to do anything about it. Lets use the example I gave above as a starting point. That guy didn’t appreciate the girl until it was too late and she had already moved on. I can tell you the exact thought process that went through his mind.
“You know, she wasn’t that bad at all. In fact, she was probably the best girl I have ever dated. Why did I let her go? She seems to be doing great. I need her back. I need her.”
Here is the most ironic part of everything. It was her moving on that kick started his mind into wanting her back. It made him realize what he had lost.
Here’s the thing about men, when they realize they lost something they want it back.
Men are complicated huh?