Today we hear from Christina, a woman who really has two questions.
- How to approach her no contact period.
- How to get out of the friend zone (if she is there.)
While Christina did ask me more questions about the no contact rule I decided to make the focus of this episode around the friend zone or what to do if your ex boyfriend places you in the friend zone.
So, here are a few of the things that I talk about in this episode,
Things Discussed In This Episode
- My personal experience with the “friend zone”
- Albert Einstein and Insanity
- The importance of the no contact rule
- What NC does with the emotional support your ex may be seeking
- How to reverse friend zone your ex
- Sending mixed signals
- The girl who gets the guy has to be willing to lose the guy
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With An Ex Boyfriend
The No Contact Rule
In this episode I discuss why the no contact rule is so effective in a “friend zone” situation.
To recap, it cuts off the emotional support he is expecting from you and raises your value in his eyes.
Friend Zone Him
Ah the good ole reverse psychology tactic.
Essentially you want to treat your ex boyfriend like a gay best friend. I gave a pretty good example of how to do this in the episode above.
Give Him Mixed Signals
Be into him one moment and then repulsed by him the next.
Be hot and cold…
Just mess with his brain as much as you can.
Be Willing To Walk Away
Sometimes the girl who is willing to walk away holds all the power.
Be that girl!
Welcome to Episode 12 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Just a little side note before we get started, if you haven’t already gone to the iTunes page for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast and left a review and subscribed, please do so.
We really need those reviews to keep this podcast thriving and surviving. Please do that if you haven’t already. It would mean so much to me and the brand. I know it seems like I’m making a big deal out of that, but that’s because it is a big deal. We need those reviews to survive and keep going.
Let’s get down to business. Today we’re going to hear from Christina, a woman who is afraid that she’s putting herself in the friend zone with her ex-boyfriend. Let’s hear from Christina:
“Hi, Chris. Your articles and ebook are so eye opening. I’ve been taking in everything you’ve said. However, I do have a concern about the no contact rule. My boyfriend of a year and four months broke up with me about three weeks ago. At this point, I’ve come to terms with it and have been actively taking steps to improve my own wellbeing. I do miss him though.
He’s a total catch. He’s honestly a great guy. My concern is that I broke the no contact rule a week and a half into the breakup. We talk frequently, not 24/7. It’s not all the time, but enough. We’re on “good terms.” But I’m afraid I’m putting myself in the friend zone. I’m also well aware that we’re not on the same page about this. I know he thinks we are. How do I restart the no contact rule at this point?
I can’t help but think that if I suddenly just start ignoring him, he’d see it as me being a drama queen. I’m definitely not one for creating drama. I steer away from it at all costs. I don’t want to give him a reason to think that I’m trying to manipulate him or that I’m cold-shouldering him because I’m angry. Wouldn’t that push him away? Is there any way to restart the no contact rule at this point? Thanks so much.”
Thank you for messaging me and leaving a voicemail, Christina. I really appreciate it. When I listened to your situation, there are two main points that you brought up that I want to cover today. Number one has to do with the no contact rule. Number two has to do with friend zoning.
I think the bigger issue here is the friend zoning fear that you brought up. You fear that your ex is going to place you in the friend zone with the way things are going right now. I would like to make this episode specifically about how to get out of the friend zone if you find yourself in it. I’m going to tailor it towards your situation and give you an idea of what you need to be doing to go forward. We’ll get to your questions about the no contact rule in a second.
First, let’s talk about the friend zone. What is it? How do you define the friend zone? The way I define it is that there are two people in some type of relationship. Most likely, they’re friends. One person has feelings for the other person. The other person does not reciprocate those feelings back. What you have here is a friendship where one person has severe strong feelings for the other person. The other person doesn’t like the person with the feelings.
Let’s put you and your ex-boyfriend in these roles. You’re obviously the one with the feelings. He’s the one who could potentially be friend zoning you. It puts you in a position where you really don’t have a great shot of getting him back. To be honest, being in the friend zone is probably one of the worst positions you can find yourself in if you’re going to launch a “get your ex back” campaign.
What do I mean by that? I would liken it to trying to get an ex-boyfriend back if you cheated on him. It’s that hard to overcome. Why do I say that? I have been on both sides of the equation when it comes to the friend zone. I have friend zoned women before and I have been friend zoned before. What I’d like to do for you, Christina, and the listeners is talk about what goes on in a man’s mind when he friend zones a girl. I have been there. I have done it before.
You’re going to get an interesting story about me in college. I’m sure I’ve friend zoned more than one woman but there’s only one particular woman that comes to mind when I think about the friend zone. I met that woman in college around my second year. She had a pretty massive crush on me from the get-go.
I remember the first day when we exchanged numbers with each other, she was hitting on me very hard. She hit on me a lot. She kept saying, “You’re so good looking.” She rolled that out. I remember reading her text and thinking, “Wow, that was forward.” I’d never had a girl come on to me that fast. Some men may like that, but I didn’t like it.
To me, it painted her in a desperate light. I didn’t like it. It made her seem desperate to me. I don’t want desperate women. I want women who are high quality, women that I know will pique my interest. Some girl who’s desperate right at the beginning and doesn’t make me work for it lowers her value. This all happened on a subconscious level.
It’s not like I read the text and said, “She’s desperate. She’s not high value to me.” I did think that she was desperate. I didn’t really think logically in the front of my brain, “She’s of lower value.” That happened subconsciously. Another thing that she did that really turned me off to her as a potential romantic partner was the fact that she did have a boyfriend.
She was not serious about the boyfriend. She told me multiple times. For those of you who have listened to this podcast and have come to understand the values that I have, I hold loyal-ness and trustworthiness to a very high standard. She flat out told me that she would break up with her boyfriend to come to me. She would cheat on her boyfriend if I was willing to cheat. That was very forward. It turned me off completely.
In fact, it painted her in a slutty light. I couldn’t help but think, “If I were to date this person, would she do the same thing to me?” That’s what I was thinking when she was making her pitch to get me to go with her. I ended up friend zoning her. I’m a nice person. I didn’t want to have a blow out with her and say, “Look, I’m not interested in you. Don’t talk to me again.”
I kind of strung her along in the friend zone. I didn’t give her any indication that I was ever interested. She was just there. She was in the friend zone. I had no feelings for her whatsoever. She was more of an annoyance to me than anything. For her perspective, it was an unfortunate thing. She had a lot of feelings for me. She kept coming on to me. This didn’t just last a few months. This lasted over the course of years.
There would be a few months here and there where we would fall out of touch. But then she would always message me. She would always tell me about her relationship problems, try to appeal to my ego and say, “I wish I could find a guy like you,” alluding to, “I want you.” I never really had feelings for her. She was stuck in the friend zone.
I would never even consider dating her. I would never even consider kissing her. She tried to kiss me at one point. It did not work. I did not have any of it. I did not want to be associated romantically with her at all. I didn’t want to be mean to her. I don’t like being mean to people. At a certain point, I think I was a little bit mean. I was so discouraging towards her.
I don’t know if this is going to help you, Christina or anyone listening. This is what the friend zone is. The man who puts you in the friend zone has no feelings for you. That’s a little discouraging to hear, especially if you’re trying to get your ex back. Here’s the thing. The example I gave of the girl who had a crush on me, I did not date her. I did not kiss her. I didn’t hug her. I didn’t hold her hand. There was no physical contact whatsoever.
What we’re dealing with when you’re trying to get your ex back is the fact that, if your ex friend zones you, you already have history to fall back upon. You can think, “He did date me. He did go out of his way and lock me down.” It’s not impossible to get out of the friend zone in that particular situation. I think it is almost impossible to get out of the friend zone in any other situation.
If you are in the friend zone and you don’t have a romantic history with a person, that means that they’ve already classified you as someone that they don’t ever want to be in a romantic relationship with. Often times, if someone in that position does get out of the friend zone and starts dating that person, it doesn’t work out in the end.
I can’t tell you how many stories I run across from women saying, “We were friends for eight years. Then we dated for a year. Now we’re broken up.” That’s a common thing. It doesn’t really work out. It’s not some sort of fairytale romance. This is going to sound arrogant and conceited. I would describe my relationship with my wife as a fairytale relationship.
When you look at the beginning of a relationship, it’s what you’re shooting for. Both people weren’t super great friends before the relationship. They just fell head over heels for each other really fast. I think that kind of relationship has a higher success rate than, we were friends for 10 years, then we worked things out and we dated. Those are my thoughts on the friend zone.
Let’s turn our attention to Christina’s situation and the no contact rule. Christina mentioned that she’s a little afraid of restarting the no contact rule on her ex-boyfriend because she doesn’t want to come off as being rude, giving him the cold shoulder or starting drama. Christina, I’m very proud of the fact that you don’t like to start drama. I can’t stand people who start drama.
I’d like to read a quote from Albert Einstein. He says, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result every single time.” I understand your fear completely, Christina. It’s a fear that I thought more women would have. What you’re doing right now to get your ex-boyfriend back clearly isn’t working.
It’s almost like you’re in the friend zone right now. If you keep talking to him, messaging him and meeting his emotional needs, you expect him to all of a sudden wake up one day and say, “I made a mistake. I’m going to take her back. She’s always been there for me. She’s the girl for me. I love her. I’m going to take her back.” That’s not going to happen doing what you’re doing.
If you keep doing what you’re doing and expecting a different result, it is literally insane. You need to do something to change things drastically. Who cares if he think you’re starting drama? Who cares if he thinks you’re giving him the cold shoulder? Good. Maybe he can find some other girl and friend zone her. You’re not going to get him back if you are friend zoned.
You have to work yourself out of that position. You can’t be looked at as a friend. You need to be looked at as a potential love interest. I say, rather than sit there and worry about his feelings, just do the no contact rule. Who cares if it ruffles his feathers? You’re doing this for you. Already, your chances of getting him back aren’t good.
The odds are stacked against you when trying to get an ex-boyfriend back. That’s the nature of the beast. All I’m trying to do is improve your chances. Who cares if he gets upset? You have two options, in my opinion. Number one, keep doing what you’re doing. Option two, do the no contact rule and do something about it.
Here is the nifty thing that no contact does when you’re looking at a friend zone situation. What happens when you’ve been friend zoned? When I’ve been friend zoned in my life, it’s always the girls coming to me to get their emotional needs met, and that’s it. I think I’m a professional friend zone with Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. That’s all I do. I meet their emotional needs, and that’s it.
When a guy friend zones you, he may expect you to meet his emotional needs. He might expect you to listen to his problems and become that one friend he can always count on. He’ll take that for granted. He’s getting more from the relationship than you. It’s not like you’re getting the physical benefits. It’s not like you’re getting your emotional needs met. He’s using you for his own emotional needs. Don’t be used.
The no contact rule is great at flipping the situation around. When he comes to you looking for his emotional needs to get met and you’re not there, he doesn’t know what to do. He realizes how important you were. It raises your value in his eyes. That is only possible if you ignore him through the no contact rule.
Of course, you can’t expect to get out of the friend zone and get your ex-boyfriend back just by using the no contact rule. It’s a common mistake that I see so many women make. They come to my website. They read about the no contact rule. They do the no contact rule. Then they don’t have their ex back. They’re blaming me because I led them astray somewhere. They didn’t read the entire process. Fifty percent of it is doing the no contact rule. The other 50% is what you do after the no contact rule.
What I would like to talk about for you, Christina, is what you should be doing after the no contact rule to get out of the friend zone or have your ex-boyfriend look at you in a different light, as a potential romantic partner. First, if you’re doing the no contact rule, you’re going to cut off the emotional support system that he has with you. That’s what you want.
You want him to feel helpless. You almost want him to look elsewhere to meet his emotional support needs. Let him friend zone some other girl. You don’t want to be the girl he friend zones. Let him friend zone some poor other girl. It’s a common fear women have that, “If I use the no contact rule, he’ll find someone else. He’ll go to someone else for his emotional support.”
So what? With my tactics, you’ll become more impressive than this other girl he finds, and he’ll probably friend zone this other girl, too. Do you just want to stay in the friend zone? That makes no sense to me.
The no contact rule is important here. It comes into play because it cuts off his emotional support system with you. What you do after the no contact rule is just as important. After you get done with the no contact rule, I want you to friend zone him. Reverse psychology here. Treat him like the gay best friend you never had.
I’m not an expert on gays but I know about the stereotypical gay best friend and what they’re there for. They’re there to support their woman friend with dating advice. The girl can come to the gay friend to get her emotional needs met. She is basically friend zoning the gay friend, not that the gay friend would want to be romantically involved with a woman.
Maybe you could talk to your ex-boyfriend about guys that you’re thinking about dating. Here is a common example. Let’s say that you’re moving into a new apartment. You message your ex and say, “Hey, could you do me a favor?” He responds, “Sure, what’s the favor?” You say, “Could you help me move my things into the new apartment?” Treat him like that. Treat him like a gay friend. Go to him for your needs. Friend zone him and don’t give him any physical benefits.
Also, send him mixed signals. Be hot and cold with him. One minute, act like you’re into him. The next minute, act like he repulses you. Do this constantly. It will confuse the hell out of him. It will work like a charm. It’s classic reverse psychology. You’re doing to him what he’s doing to you. It will force him into your position.
Look at you right now, Christina. You want your ex-boyfriend back. You mentioned that you think he’s a catch. To me, it doesn’t seem like he’s saying the same things about you. If you do a role reversal with him and put him in your role, ironically, he’ll start thinking that you’re the catch. He’ll start chasing you, which is exactly what you want to happen.
After sending mixed signals, being hot and cold, being into him one minute and out the next, the last thing that I want you to do is be willing to walk away. Understand that your chances, if you’re being friend zoned, aren’t as great as another general woman trying to get her ex back. Sometimes the best thing you can do to get your ex back is to walk away.
Maybe a half-year down the road, he’ll contact you out of the blue and come on to you. Then it develops. By then, you may have moved on. Who knows? Maybe you haven’t. Sometimes the woman who is willing to walk away holds the greatest power over her ex.
I always say, in order to get the guy, you have to be willing to lose the guy. Be willing to walk away if this doesn’t work out. Don’t put your entire life on hold for him. We are here for you, Christina.
In the show notes, I’m going to create this game plan of what you should do to work yourself out of the friend zone. I hope I answered your question about the no contact rule and how you should just do it. I used the Albert Einstein quote when I was explaining that to you.
I also want to say thank you for purchasing my book. I noticed you mentioned in your message that you purchased Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro. I really appreciate that. For those of you listening, if you have not picked up Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro and you want a step-by-step guide for how to get your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband or ex-lover back, this is the guide for you.
I’m not just peddling my own product here. It is probably one of the best get your ex back guides out there today. You can go to the page. I’ll link to it in the show notes of Episode 12. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I had a lot of fun recording this episode. I hope you had as much fun as I did listening to it. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. Thank you for listening.
Again, if you haven’t reviewed or subscribed to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, please do so on the iTunes page. I’ll link to that in the show notes. If you want to leave a voicemail for me, simply go to the contact page on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/contact.
I’ll also put information in the show notes of this episode for how to get in touch with me or leave a voicemail and potentially get your question answered. I had a great time, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Nation. I will see you tomorrow.