By EBR Team Member: Ashley

I have almost three associate degrees from the local Junior College.

Almost, because I am one of the world’s greatest procrastinators.

Along with being a procrastinator, I’m a perfectionist.

Ask Chris. I am always riding my deadlines down to the last minute, sometimes past that.

(Edit From Chris: It’s true, I had to email her to see when she was going to finish this article.)

I am one class short of my third degree, a Business Degree.

One of the most interesting and stressful classes I ever took was one on creative writing. And one of the most fun and most interesting conversations I have ever had was when I ran into my teacher. We sat down and had a glass of wine and talked about the millions of extension requests that she gets every semester.

There were people that gave her the old, “my dog ate it” routine. But the one she said she almost always would give extensions for was open writing assignments

“I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know what I wanted to write.”

She said that she could always tell when people were lying.

Human nature responds to the collision of emotions and rational thought with something that is called cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is the reason I found myself interested in psychology in the first place.

If you don’t know what that is let me educate you.

Every single person on this planet has experienced this feeling. It’s that feeling when you hate someone but you still kind of understand the reasons behind their actions.

As I said, EVERY single person on this planet, that means you too.

Common sense says that you just thought about a time when you had conflicting emotions.

Why is it so common?

Every single person who has ever gone through puberty knows the feeling.

All of those things your parents tell you not to do as a child, that you danced along the edges when deciding what to do as an adult.

If a man has made a decision to call off a relationship with you, you can bet that, unless you are a horrible person that you know of, at some point he has questioned that decision.

So, think back to a time when you had to ask for more time.

Go ahead, I’ll give you a minute.

I bet it didn’t even take you twenty seconds to remember one of the times you had to ask for a reprieve.

Why? Because even the most brown-nosing straight A student has her off days and needs some more time.

There are few words more daunting after a breakup when you are hoping for an explanation and instead you get “I just need some time.”

I mean generally when a woman would say that it would have a hundred different meanings.

We are so complicated, us women.

But men…

men are so much more likely to be straightforward.

When a man asks for time, he usually means he wants time, space, and distance.

Most men want straight forward. Most men want black and white. Most men want to be as far away from drama even if they are the ones that caused it.

So, what does it mean when he says he needs time to… and… something else. Generally, when anyone makes a declarative statement and then follows it up with a qualifier, the qualifier usually holds a bit of truth to it.

Everyone has a set of basic human needs. It isn’t as big on the scale as physical needs, like food, water, sleep, and safety, but self-actualization is important. Feeling like you have some semblance of control over the things that happen to you falls somewhere in between esteem and safety. Sometimes that means taking a moment to yourself and taking a step back to look at your life.

Men back away from things for various reasons, because they are stressed, either because of something within the relationship or outside of it.

In every relationship, there is a dominant partner and a submissive partner.

Don’t get excited. I’m not talking  Fifty Shades type stuff.

I’m saying that one person gives in a little more than the other, makes sacrifices to keep the relationship going. In turn, they lose things. The power shifts to one side of the relationship.

There is a reason I spend so much time repeating myself when I say that a relationship is a partnership… a partnership… a PARTNERSHIP!!

Whew.

Breathe.

If you can’t tell I believe in this.

There’s always truth to the things we say, even the lies, at least some truth.

So, when your boyfriend says he needs to take some time to himself, you can bet your butt that any reason he gives after that has SOME truth to it and you can tell by WHAT he says.

Most people don’t know what they want in a relationship.

In my experience, feeling that unbalanced weight of the relationship shifts to one side triggers a fight or flight response.

So, in the interest of staying positive about things, we are going to assume that your ex actually needs time and it wasn’t just an excuse to break things off.

What did his reason he gave mean? And what does it mean for you?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

He Needs Time To “Figure Himself Out”

If he says he needs time to “figure himself out” then it’s likely that, on some level, he has let his autonomy escape him. Feeling like you aren’t living up to your potential is scary! When we are on our own, it is easy to give your full focus to your goals and achieving them, becoming the person you want to be.

If your ex needs time to figure himself out, it likely means that he feels like he has lost sight of his goals and ideals. It isn’t uncommon for the line between couples’ goals to become a little blurred after the weight of decision making begins to shift back and forth.

My guess is that your ex has realized how out of focus the views he had before the relationship have become and he is trying to remedy that feeling.

In every relationship, making the other person happy starts to take precedent over the things we see as important. Then keeping the relationship from derailing takes precedent. No one wants to be the reason things didn’t work out, so focus shifts to efforts not to rock the boat.

Did your ex put in a lot of effort into making you happy at the beginning, possibly over his own desires?

Did he give in when tensions rose later in the relationship in order to keep the peace?

If you see similarities in this scenario and your ex said he needs to figure himself out, then your next move should be to focus on how you can establish a more healthy relationship that takes into consideration what he wants.

He Needs Time To “Get His Life In Order”

If he says he needs time to “get his life in order” then it’s likely that he lost control of something in his life. Tell me you haven’t ever been in a situation in which your world felt like it was spiraling out of control. I bet you can’t.

They say time flies when you’re having fun. But being in a relationship kind of turns the rest of your life into a funnel.

Everything that happens, every choice that you make goes through a filter of, “How will this affect my relationship?”

I understand that line of thinking.

It’s what happens when you feel comfortable with someone. You think of the two of you as one unit.

But, suddenly it dawns on you that you are an us and you realize that if you ever weren’t an “us” your solo life would be out of control.

Realizing this makes a man feel like he needs to pull the things in his life into a pile and jump in the middle of it and flail around until he feels like it is his again.

If you find yourself in this situation. Your best bet is to get your own life in order. Why?

Well… the best part about this is that you have some serious power here.

Power you say?

Well, if he is truly struggling to feel like he didn’t lose a grasp on his life completely, then seeing that you were okay with not being in a codependent relationship will give him a reason to drop the fear that coming back will strip him of having his own life.

Dig in. Make your life your own. And when you get through No Contact and get the opportunity talk with your ex to rebuild even a casual relationship, show him that you have no intention of letting him sacrifice his interests.

He Needs Time To “Sort Things Out”

If he says he needs time to “sort things out” then it’s likely that he doesn’t even know what needs sorting. Usually, this means he has choices and he’s not sure what he wants to do about it.

Most men are afraid to be tied down. Having options means he has a way out if he wants one.

When someone says they need to sort things out, it is likely that they have found that they have options and they’re testing the waters.

Maybe he got an ego boost because girls were flirting with him.

Maybe someone else showed interest.

Maybe he got a taste of the single life.

And maybe he just saw other people who were happier or doing the couple thing differently.

Whatever triggered his decision, if you find yourself in this type of situation, your only option is to rise above it all. Do not give into the emotional drivers that make you want to jump up and down and say,

“I can be better! I can be whatever you want! I can make you happy!”

You don’t need to grovel. Besides… it wouldn’t work.

Every man needs to know that a woman who is PERFECTLY FINE on her own CHOOSES to be with him.

You have to be strong during No Contact.

Put every effort into being better at being solo.

It has the double perks of making him a little jealous and also making him feel like getting back together is in his best interest, like being with you is a privilege.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

He Needs Time To “Work On Himself”

If he says he needs time to “work on himself” then it’s likely that he feels like he has let himself go on one if not all fronts.

If a man admits that he needs to work on himself, it is obvious that he finds something about himself unsatisfactory. But all men feel that way in some manner of speaking. All people do.

No one is 100% happy with themselves.

I have a friend who is a beautiful specimen of a man. Sure his face is not the American standard of beautiful, but he is a gorgeous and smart man.

You know what he asks me regularly?

He asks me if he should dye his hair.

He asks me if he should get a tan.

He asks me if he should focus on getting down to 4% body fat.

This beautiful and smart man doesn’t see how gorgeous he is… all he sees is his flaws.

I’m telling you… my friend isn’t just a 10 he’s a 14, and he will never see it.

This one, this situation, your only response is to move forward in your life.

Build yourself up. Read this article on getting on the right track and building confidence.

And then, when you get done with no contact, maintain your stature.

Don’t beg for him back. Compliment him on any progress he’s made, but the key is to not lay it on thick. And then withdraw.

Do you know what stakes a man puts on a woman?

What value he places on her?

I mean sure most of them look at women and find them attractive or not attractive, hot or not.

That’s at the beginning when they aren’t sure if they want to jump in just yet.

But when it comes to a relationship and whether or not to keep it, that decision doesn’t hang solely on whether or not he loves her.

It also balances on how having her in his life affects his life.

Chris calls this “becoming the Ungettable Girl.”

I am saying that every man wants to become someone they shouldn’t have access to.

Someone that’s cooler, hotter, and out of their league.

I think that if your ex is feeling like he’s lost control of any aspect of his life, then he is going over every decision he’s ever made. That means at some point he WILL review his decision to call things off. Usually, this will be after he’s had a moment to get a few of his other ducks in a row.

If, when he does, he sees that you are better than he thought you were, better that YOU thought you were, he’ll realize he made a mistake.

So, what I am I telling you to do?

Be a baddass.

Be the most baddass version of yourself that you can be, 100%, full-tilt.

Now, some of you are picturing the women you look up to.

But, check out this article, about women who grasped at their full potential. Some of them just did small things that had a large impact.

All I am saying is that you shouldn’t wait around or chase after him.

Be great and awesome on your own. He’ll see it, and he’ll realize that letting you go was the biggest mistake he’s ever made.

What to Read Next

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86 thoughts on “He Broke Up With Me And Told Me He Needs Time”

  1. Avatar

    Teresa

    March 31, 2021 at 2:39 pm

    I am going through the “i need to work on myself” and i truly believe him. he has been unhappy with himself for a long time and told me he is “poison” for me right now. I trust him fully when he says he isnt looking at other girls (relationships and dating scare him to death – which leads me to believe, in some fashion, that he stays with me because i am “safe” – and not being with me is not understood by his family – they dont know why he’s choosing to take time and not go through it all with my support while IN the relationship, he wants me to move out and not stay in the relationship/risk losing me.(we lived together for a year, but i still had my own house – i love it too much and use it as an airbnb sometimes – this was a blessing i had as i need to now move back and i dont have to worry about searching for a place to live). This page really, REALLY helped me. I have been so depressed (i have depression so this isnt just an empty statement that really means “sad and grieving” – although nothing wrong with that), it has truly been so hard for me to cope. thanks for posting this. i will re-read it when i get really down on myself and just learn to focus on me and not wait around for him although I REALLY want to..

  2. Avatar

    Lucy Jones

    October 20, 2020 at 9:27 am

    Hi

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Our relationship is amazing we are best friends and share the same goals, morals and interests. I moved in with him last year (into his home) since lock down we have been arguing and bickering usually ending in him saying you know where the door is and asking me to leave.

    The 4 weekends leading up to the breakup he had changed his drinking habits, drinking to the point he was passing out and becoming disrespectful. He got so drunk he told me to get out – so I did. He called me and apologised for the first week saying he missed me and there must be a way we can get around this. I remained cold as I was so fed up. I then reached out and said let’s fix this and he’s miraculously changed his mind. Said there was no way he was going to try again. I got pathetic and begged trying to change his mind over the phone but he maintained we couldn’t be together. 4 days later after no contact I received a message asking if he could speak to me and he kind of opened the door to trying again…. because that phone call consisted of me asking him to calm down with the alcohol he back tracked again and said it didn’t matter. He’s then been really cold with me since saying he’d love to try it again but doesn’t think it’s fair on me. Or if things were good he’d be open to trying again but doesn’t think we should because his hearts not in it but doesn’t know what the future will hold and isn’t ruling anything out.

    We’ve went back to the no contact which mentally destroys me. I cry myself to sleep every night with the help of sleeping tablets.

    What do I do now? Do you think that’s him letting me down gently or that he’s genuinely confused with what he wants?

    I can’t believe we are in this situation we really were best friends and can’t believe he is refusing to consider the good points.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 10:59 pm

      Hi Lucy, so that is the most important thing right now is that you work on yourself so that you no longer need to take sleeping tablets, cry yourself to sleep and feel this distraught over the break up. Before you learn to pass this stage, and work on yourself. This program main focus is that you work on yourself to be the best version of yourself, your strongest and happiest self. Before you can get your ex back, you need to get yourself to this point.

  3. Avatar

    Jessica

    May 12, 2020 at 1:30 am

    So my boyfriend just broke up with me basically today. We have been together for about 8 months which I know doesn’t seem like a long time at all and it probably isn’t but I truly did love him. Anyways, he broke up with me since he said that he needed time right now to think and that he feels that right now really isn’t a good time for him to be in a relationship. I was expecting this in a way since he has been off the past two weeks but I told him that I would wait for him regardless, I said that I want to be with him once he gets everything figured out because I think he’s worth it. I know that I sound foolish for doing so but we are both in love, he said he loves me and that I hold a special place in his heart and that’s why he still wants me in his life but as a friend. I will be his friend but I will wait until he gets things figured out, I told him that if he falls for someone to tell me and if I happen to fall for someone I will let him know. At the moment, we are just taking a break from speaking for a bit but he said he will contact me soon and we can hang out soon.

  4. Avatar

    Elizabeth

    April 26, 2020 at 5:07 pm

    My ex and I were together for a year and a half. I still love him a lot and I think there’s a part of him that still loves me. He broke up with me Feb 5th because he felt after a year and a half I should trust him; though he knew going in I had trust issues he didn’t help me much to overcome them. I tried on my own but he was always very dismissive of my feelings which didn’t help. I didn’t feel he was in my corner and felt his friends were more important than me. The other reason, which is probably the main trigger, that he broke up with me was because he was very stressed with me. He started a new job at a start-up and had a lot of responsibility. Toward the end he was pulling away and treating me poorly and I ended up not sleeping, having really bad anxiety, and was just a blubbering mess. I tried talking to him and just hanging out with him but he was very distant and would only watch tv with me. He wouldn’t make plans with me but he would with his one single friend. This made me feel insecure and like he wanted to find someone else. When I mentioned my feelings they would be shot down and dismissed. In any event, we were in a very serious relationship, living together. We were looking at houses last fall and talked about our wedding. Then he just gave up and pulled away. At the end of Feb we spent a week together and we ended up cuddling in bed one night and he said “I do want to date you, I just need some time. All you do is frustrate me right now”. A week later he goes on a date but says to me he doesn’t know what it is and says “Who says I’m moving on?”. Then a week after that he gets into a relationship with her and with this virus she practically moved in after a week of them declaring their relationship. Now they’ve been together for over a month. I still have my things at his house. Last time we texted it was about logistics and he was nasty. Then a few days after he said thank you for something i needed to do and I didnt respond. This was the last week of March. I am going back and forth on all the things I did wrong and blaming myself. I want him back and I feel because he’s in a new relationship I’ve lost all possibility of that. I don’t understand why he said the words he did. I am so lost and confused.

  5. Avatar

    Sarah

    April 11, 2020 at 4:41 pm

    My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, “needs time.” He didn’t break up with me, his status still says “in a relationship,” but he told me after our last fight that he needs time, that I really hurt him. I contacted after a week and he said “I need more time, I’m sorry. Im tired of all the fighting. I am really enjoying getting to enjoy my family and friends right now. If you can’t wait for me I totally understand.” I don’t want to lose him, and I know I am working on me and all the reasons the fights were my responsibility. I told him he was worth waiting for. Now do I do no contact for 30 days? It sounds like he wants me to move on.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 11, 2020 at 11:26 pm

      Hi Sarah yes start your NC for 30 days

  6. Avatar

    Kaitlyn

    April 9, 2020 at 2:32 am

    Hi
    My boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he said he needs time to figure himself. After reading this article and bringing up how to fit in what he considers in a relationship, he said we could take a three week break to think about it. I am currently dealing with seasonal affective disorder and it has impacted our relationship greatly. Looking back I was not telling him how much I appreciated him enough. He told my friends that everything is just an “I don’t know” right now. His relationship influences in his life are not healthy and his past ex cheated on him. In the relationship he’d always be so worried that I would break up with him, wondering if he mattered to me, and doubting my feelings towards him. I have always suggested the idea to him in the past that he deals with anxiety, and I feel as though he is struggling with relationship anxiety. He never talked to me about what he was thinking before the breakup or really any negative feelings/thoughts he had. My friend brought the idea of relationship anxiety to him to help him figure out where his head is at right now. He also told me that he was worrying and thinking about me too much and that was part of the reason he broke up with me. When my friend brought up the idea of it, he refused to believe it. I want to help him through this and I want to talk to him about how we can implement things in our relationship such as space, but I am unable to because we are currently in the three week break. I am afraid that he will not come back. He loves me very much, was never unhappy in the relationship, and said it was the best one he’s ever had. I am torn because I love him endlessly. I am just afraid that he will not come back to me after the three weeks.

  7. Avatar

    Tameka N Woodland

    April 3, 2020 at 4:04 pm

    My boyfriend call it quits after 4 years . He said he needed space but l didn’t give it to him l begged him to stay Together but he said it was over when l asked him. No l feel bad . what should I do because he told me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me anymore.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 4, 2020 at 8:46 pm

      Hi Tameka, it is hard but you need to start and stick to your No Contact

  8. Avatar

    Amy

    April 3, 2020 at 2:56 pm

    Hi, So my 1.5year old relationship broke up a few days back. We are in a long distance relationship and he got very busy with work while I had some free time, so I wanted to talk to him throughout the day but he couldn’t manage work and me together. He didn’t mention that he was busy because he didn’t want to upset me so I thought everything is normal. We had one last argument and All of a sudden he decided to break up saying he is overloaded emotionally and with work and he doesn’t feel stable and feels very tired and exhausted to think about anything and do anything. He said he wants to be alone for sometime and can’t do this anymore. I was supposed to meet him this weekend but everything is locked down because of the recent corona pandemic. The article above made me optimistic but I am very anxious and constantly thinking what’s running in his head, has he fallen out of love ? Will he approach me if let’s say he sorts his head. I am scared he ll never.come back to me whereas he means the world to me. Please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 12, 2020 at 2:06 pm

      Hi Amy, it is difficult to accept when someone wants time and when you are LDR you feel that you are not together it is hard, but what your ex means right now is he needs time to himself. So allow him that and let him miss hearing from you. In the mean time you need to follow NC for 30 days, working on yourself for some time with the information about the Holy Trinity. The reach out day 31 with a positive text asking advice about something you know he would be interested in talking about.

  9. Avatar

    Renae

    February 19, 2020 at 5:43 pm

    Hi
    My ex boyfriend and I had been dating for a year and after our one year anniversary things started spiraling out of control. I started becoming insecure, overthinking, jealous of a girl at work and our communication fell apart. We both realized this was happening and we had no control of fixing it. At first he decided to take a break in order to get some space from the situation. He told me and my sister that he didn’t want to break up, however, rumors and stuff got around and I found that he was thinking of a break up for a few days but didn’t know how to tell me since I am a sensitive person and he hates to see me cry. After that we had a talk and decided that we both needed time away from eachother for him it was so he could get space from the relationship and for me it was to find self love and not revolve my happiness and life around him. Because one issue I did have was being clingy due to many loses of love ones I was terrified in losing him and now I’m more scared than ever. We agreed that in a month we would come together and see where we are and we both know we still love eachother and that this break up was not forever. Even after the break up when I ask if we can talk to resolve our problems he agrees and comes over to talk but he also still kisses me and hugs me and recently we had sex but nothing was forced on him or me. The break didn’t work cause he wasn’t getting the space that he wanted so breaking up set boundaries. But mu problems of overthinking is making me scared to hold onto hope again like I did when we were on a break. I know that I want to be with him more than anything but there needs to be those feelings coming from both of us. I’m wanting to know if I should still have hope and what i should do so I can be better myself for our future relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Renae, so to give yourself your best chance you are going to have to work on your insecurities that you have mentioned above, look up the ungettable girl videos or posts and work on your lifestyle and build your self esteem

  10. Avatar

    Kacie

    January 21, 2020 at 5:16 pm

    My boyfriend of just under a year decided that he is unhappy with his life and doesn’t want to bring me down in all his unhappiness and wants to work on getting happy. So we are no longer together. He says we both need to be happy and then work on being happy together.
    He’s always on the go and over extending himself. I really noticed a change in November when his son decided to move in with his mom. Him and his son haven’t been getting along. He’s 15. His mom lets him do whatever he wants. My boyfriend is strict and try’s to teach him hard work and his son just doesn’t want to do anything because he knows he can get away with it at the moms. He has a daughter as well that is 10 and the mom doesn’t allow her to talk to him. She calls child support her pay check and feeds her daughter lies about my boyfriend.
    In short he’s been upset about his kids and our relationship had become affected by it. No affection, sex or him wanting to do anything. I tried to be supportive and tried to help to relieve stress. He keeps thinking buying things or money will make him happy. I told him his mind set and his choice to be happy will only make him happy. I can’t do it no one can but him.
    I feel so helpless and sad because he let me go. I feel like you fight for who you love you don’t give up. He says we each have to work on being happy and then work on being happy together and it scares me because does he really want me back at some point or is he just saying that?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 12:45 pm

      Hey Kacie, I cant really answer your question on he knows that. But what you can do is work on being the best version of yourself so that when you speak again he regrets letting you go

  11. Avatar

    olivia m

    December 3, 2019 at 4:28 am

    my ex boyfriend and i were friends for over 2 years had a big fight and ended our friendship, a couple of months later we found our way back to each other,friends into bestfriends within a month and started dating for almost a year, then we got into a big fight and took the day to think about what we wanted.. i told him not to come back into my life unless he wanted to be init for the long-term. have gim one week and he came back into my life everything was fine for about two weeks then he called things off he said he wasnt himself and that his mental-health wasnt in the best spot and im the only reason he is seeking help.. and that he was coming back… after a month i thought we should say goodbye for now thinking it would give him the freedom to think… when we said goodbye he said he didnt want it ti be a goodbye forever.. a month later i told him i was going to wait for him, he told me to life my life and he wasnt sure if he was going to come back.. i am a hopeless romantic.. but we were once so inlove.. should i keep holding on to the hope?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:32 pm

      Hi Olivia it sounds like a very up and down relationship so you would need to go into a No Contact where you do not speak with him at all, or reply to anything he sends you for minimum 30 days where you can work on yourself in attempt to get out of the patterns you have created with each other. When you have had some time apart you can consider if you are better of as just friends, or if you are going to try and get him back as more than a friend, but you need to do so gradually following what Chris calls the Value Chain and there is information about this on this website for you to read

  12. Avatar

    Leah

    November 27, 2019 at 3:08 pm

    My ex and I only were together for a short period of time, but everything fell into place and we were very much into each other. There were never any signs showing that he did not want a relationship, but he quit our last couple of dates abruptly due to not feeling well. I had an understanding that he struggles with his mental health and his reason for breaking up was that he’s not at a point in his life to be in a relationship and needs to figure himself out. I just want to know if you think I still have a chance with him if I give him time?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 28, 2019 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Leah yes you have a chance if you follow the program and also give him the space he needs

  13. Avatar

    Suzanne

    November 25, 2019 at 7:25 pm

    Hi,

    This article helped a little, but I’m still having a hard time. My boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. We had a great relationship. We rarely argued and when we did, we talked it out and moved on. His grandfather passed away 3 weeks ago which he was super close with. He’s been quick to anger since it happened. He broke up with me and keeps telling me he needs time and space because he’s not happy and not himself anymore. He said the death of his grandfather and this breakup has been hard on him. He tells me he’s going to regret this probably and hopes this isn’t a goodbye but a see you later but he’s been in contact with girls he use to speak to before we met. I’ve been trying the NC rule, but it’s just been a week so it’s been a little rough. He tells me it’s not me, it’s him, he needs a little time and space to figure things out. Do you think I should hold out to hope and just see if he comes back or try to move on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 26, 2019 at 7:59 pm

      Hi Suzanne, so I think hes being honest if he was close with his grandfather and hes just lost him he is going to be going through all the stages of grief, and at times we push those away who are trying to help as at that time is is not what we want to hear or deal with. Allow him that space with No Contact and then reach out at the end of your 30 days

  14. Avatar

    Amy K

    November 25, 2019 at 6:12 pm

    So my fiance of 2 1/2 years broke up with me last week . he gathered his stuff for about three days. We lived together for 2 years. On that last day we hugged for a long time. He said he need to focus on him and his family right now. It has been stressful for the past few months with his job dad going in for 3 stents in the heart. Me with my anxiety and being distant because of it. And now his grandpa is in the hospital and not doing well.

    He is an ex addict and when I came into his life he said I saved his life and he has been clean because of me
    He said that last day I was the best thing that has happened to him. And he cares about me and he loves me. He just needs to focus on him.
    Our last goodbye was a long hug some tears and several kisses and several I love yous
    And he’s a phone call away
    I just dont know how to keep no contact especially with his grandpa being I’ll and I care for his family also.

    Please advise

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 26, 2019 at 8:29 pm

      Hi Amy, so you need to stick to the NC, unless he reaches out and tells you his grandfather has passed or is better etc, then you reply as needed but do not speak more than condolences or relief if hes okay. and back into NC for 30 days in total

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    Kelly

    October 27, 2019 at 4:17 pm

    Hi,

    Thanks for such a useful article, I have read it many times now but would really appreciate your advice to my situation.

    My ex broke up with me 2 months ago after 5 years together. We were always very in love with both our families and friends assuming we would naturally spend the rest of our lives together and we had planned this out too. In the last 5 months my ex left his job and spent time looking for a new one before getting his dream job and beginning this. I didn’t react very well to these 5 months of uncertainty because of personal childhood issues which I didn’t realise were effecting how I reacted to this period of change and uncertainty. The job he began is very intense and involves a lot of travel and rather than being happy for him I was caught up in my own issues and was very unsupportive. He finally couldn’t take it anymore and broke up with me saying that he clearly couldn’t make me happy and that our lives were going in different directions. I realised straight away that the issues that had caused our breakup had come from from me and that I do not want to be without him so straight away I began going to therapy to address my issues and understand them.

    I did not text my ex but a week into the breakup I bumped into him on our way to work and told him I was going to therapy which he was surprised but pleased about. We continued no contact but we bumped into each other on week 3 and 5 on our commute, on both occasions we had really lovely though brief catchups and the chemistry was still there. I said that we should probably meet to chat about everything properly at some point as there were things I wanted to explain to him having now been to therapy and understood why I was behaving the way I was. He agreed and on week 7 we met and spent the day together talking about everything.

    I was able to tell him everything I have realised about how childhood issues affected my responses to the change in his life and all the positive changes I have since made to myself and the fact I want a very different relationship to the one we were having in the last few months which was making us both unhappy. He listened carefully to everything and said that he could see I had changed just from my attitude and that his understanding of why I acted like I did now made more sense to him. He said he still loves me but that he just isn’t mentally at a place where he can jump or even ease back into a relationship with me and that he needs time on his own. He said he doesn’t know how long this feeling will last and therefore doesn’t want me to wait for him as that would be unfair. He also said that in the 7 weeks since breaking up I have done so much processing and understanding and that he hasn’t even begun to do any of that and so he understands this must be a frustrating situation for me because I clearly know what I want and he doesn’t right now and doesn’t know if and when that will change and doesn’t want to be unfair to me. He also made several mentions of being very hurt by everything that happened and how do we know that it wouldn’t happen again which makes me think that it’s partly fear that is holding him back.We left with vague plans to maybe see each other again in the next few months for a catch up but he also said we can’t be friends because we have never just been friends.

    A week later I sent him a letter writing down everything I had told him in person about my realisations so that he has it to keep and reflect on and he text to me to thank me for it and said he will keep it.

    Would you now advice I do complete no contact? My worry is that I have been doing no contact on the whole throughout the last 2 months but we did bump into each other those times despite not talking in between, so does that mean that the nc wasn’t applicable and could still work if I begin it now? I know that I want to be with this man and have spent 5 years building a life with him that I do not want to lose forever. All of our families and friends want us to be together too but when I said this to him he made the point that they didn’t experience our relationship in the last few months which were not good. Please please advise!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 27, 2019 at 10:13 pm

      Yes you need to do a NC as the letter and the conversation were both emotional even though he responded well it still shows where you stand and what you are feeling which at this time is something we need him to be questioning not knowing. So 30 days NC and work on yourself to be a happy and confident person. Its great steps you are taking to do this so keep at it. When your NC is over dont send any emotional messages you need to send something as a friend trying to open the window for conversation. Read as many articles as you can to help with your situation including the ungettable girl articles.

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    A

    September 15, 2019 at 5:44 pm

    I’m pretty sure I ruined things with my now recent “ex.” We started long distance (cross-country) but were so connected and so in love that we started a relationship that lasted about a year and six months or so. He stepped away from our relationship as a result of a few months of very heated arguments regarding my moving cross country to live with him, when neither of us were financially ready to do so. I had just graduated with my degree, I had not found a career yet, and we are both living at home with our parents (in our 20s). I have wanted to make this transition, so badly, but jumping off the ledge with no safety net was something I didn’t think we should do just yet. Long story short, he said he needed “time to figure things out” (regarding to why he has been so angry and frustrated and has taken it out on me), but wanted to keep in contact. I did plead with him a few times (admittedly, a mistake) to reconsider “breaking up,” just to discuss taking a breather from one another but not totally severing the relationship. He refused. I tried to talk to him for a few days after, only getting the same explanation. I don’t understand why my presence is preventing him from figuring out these individual issues, but he says he “can’t take this out on me anymore,” but I want to stand by him. After a week of no contact, I made a mistake and contacted him because my own anxieties had spiked and I missed him so much, I wanted to see if we could talk. We spoke on the phone at my request because I wanted to tell him my feelings and how I wanted him to get better for himself and I would wait, but not forever. The conversation sped downhill so fast, I couldn’t stop it. He told me he still has those same feelings for me but he broke up with me to ask for time and space from me but I would not respect it. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, he has been such a huge part of my life… I didn’t want to just walk away from the man I love. I didn’t want to just give up on something we both felt was so special. I don’t need him to survive in my life but I wanted him there and I wanted to be there to support him in all his endeavors. And he has not yet removed me from his social media. My question(s): was I wrong to contact him? Was I wrong to want to extend an olive branch and try to work things out together? When he says I have to let him go, does he mean permanently or just for a while? Did I ruin this for good?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 17, 2019 at 9:00 am

      Hi A, I would say you do need to give him space, the less space you give him the greater his negative feelings are going to be towards you. No Contact is for them just as much as it is for us. Let him have that head space its so important. When you do get back in touch, you need to just speak with him not dive in to begging him back, you just undo the worth you’ve done with your No Contact. You need to be his friend and build it back up. Read the materials on the website and get yourself familiar with how the program works 🙂

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    Makayla

    July 13, 2019 at 4:45 am

    Hello!
    My now “ex” boyfriend and I dated for about three months. When we first met he was working out of state and we saw each other about twice a month for only a few hours. He recently started working 14 hour days, seven days a week and has been overwhelmed with work, family issues, and just purchased his first house. About two weeks ago he texted me and told me he wanted to take a “break” because he feels he’s been neglecting me with everything going on. He wants to take a break for about 2 months (that’s how long it’ll be until he’s laid off from his job), and in that time he told me he wants to focus on his career and get his life in order. He won’t be able to come home during those two months, and told me if things were to work out after the two months, that he’d want to take things a little slower and not rush it. He wants me to focus on my nursing career and to have fun in the meantime. We talk but only every couple days and for a short period of time. I’m worried he’ll completely distance himself from me and not want to get back together. We both came from toxic relationships before meeting each other, but I’m scared he may start to lose interest in me and not want to be together. Any help is appreciated, thankyou

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    Jasmine

    July 5, 2019 at 3:07 pm

    Sooo my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now and recently we get into a lot of arguments usually because he’s always tired. I get he works ,but he gets days off and he works the same 8 hours as everybody else. He falls asleep for 4-5 hours while we are suppose to be hanging out. Anyway, the other day I called him so we could hang out then he said he “needed time to think” and didn’t know if he wanted to continue with the relationship but just wasn’t sure yet and he felt there was no communication and I’m mad all the time. I get aggravated when he falls asleep as soon as I’m with him so that’s where most of my anger comes from. I’m very hurt and I don’t know what to think. how long should I wait? I feel stupid waiting for someone to decide if they should say. What should I do?

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    Tanya

    May 22, 2019 at 8:42 pm

    My boyfriend and I dated for 3 years. We were planning on getting a place together so we started saving. He got a second job to get out of debt. He started working more and more and hanging out with his friends more. He started becoming distant and I freaked out. He told me he wanted to take a break and rethink our relationship he told me he loves me but he’s tired of commuting back and forth because he was the only one doing it recently. We have barely spoken since but he told me he wants to be single for now and figure things out.

  20. Avatar

    Samantha

    May 14, 2019 at 6:40 pm

    I was in a same sex relationship for just under 4 years. It was a very happy solid relationship and we had never split through out the 4 years. We lived together, had a dog and all the other usual things you would expect in a loving relationship. We both have well paid jobs so finances are not something we would stress about. We did bicker over stupid things like,” you always leave your shoes there! Stop it! Its annoying” the usual things you bicker over as a cohabating couple but nothing huge. When we did bicker it normaly ended in us being unable to hold our laughter in and we would make up within the hour. Out of the blue my partner told me it was over one night after work. She was very emotional about it. We then got into bed and slept next to each other as usual and I honestly thought it was ok. But the next morning she got out of bed, didnt kiss me goodbye and didnt come back. I done the usual, begging and pleading for her to come back but all i got was a text saying, she didnt love me, we couldnt be together, she didnt want to be together and I would need to move out. A month after the break up she ignored me, she said it was too hard to see me and I have since moved out. Right up until the day before the break up she told me how in love she is with me, how she loved our family unit and wanted to be with me. She turned these emotions off like a tap. She said she felt like that for a couple of weeks and had no plans to break up. She said it just happened. The day I moved she turned up and was very very emotional. She told me she couldnt handle watching me take all my things, she admitted she had been struggling so much to distance herself the past month but she said that ” would be the easy thing to do” and explained she needs time to find herself. She said she became someone she didnt want to be and was always looking for reasons to fight with me. But in the same sentence she explained how she felt I was the perfect partner and always treated her right and she was happy but something inside her just changed. Since i have moved we have kept in touch but it is always me texting her. She has even came to my knew house and we have had a cuddle but she keeps telling me she needs time to work out if shes just sad because her relationship broke down or if shes sad because I’m not in her life. She also says she needs time to become the person she once was but she cant guarantee that when she is that person again she will want to come back to me. I love her with all my heart and I will do anything to get her back but she has became cold again. She still replies to my texts but she is distant. They arnt emotional. I still look after her even though I shouldn’t. I make sure she is fed and has everything she needs. I know I shouldn’t do that!

    I know I should do no contact but in scared she lose interest and not come back. On the moving day she did say she made a huge mistake but has since calmed down and is back to being closed off. Do I have any chance in getting her back? I am making sure I am fun and happy when I do see her to remind her I can make her smile and she does praise me for getting back up on my feet so quickly after she left. On the moving day she cried and cried and cuddled me and kissed me. She said it didnt feel like I was really gone but now that I was moving it has hit her. But shes cold again?? What do I do?!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 14, 2019 at 11:27 pm

      Hi Samanatha…..so 4 years is a good amount of time and roots get put down and that will likely influence things before all this is over. So implementing No Contact is probably a good path to take if things are not moving in the right direction. But pick up my Program so you can understand well how to implement it and you may want to give her a heads up as to your need for some time/space to heal, reflect, and grow.

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