By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 1st, 2021

I have almost three associate degrees from the local Junior College.

Almost, because I am one of the world’s greatest procrastinators.

Along with being a procrastinator, I’m a perfectionist.

Ask Chris. I am always riding my deadlines down to the last minute, sometimes past that.

(Edit From Chris: It’s true, I had to email her to see when she was going to finish this article.)

I am one class short of my third degree, a Business Degree.

One of the most interesting and stressful classes I ever took was one on creative writing. And one of the most fun and most interesting conversations I have ever had was when I ran into my teacher. We sat down and had a glass of wine and talked about the millions of extension requests that she gets every semester.

There were people that gave her the old, “my dog ate it” routine. But the one she said she almost always would give extensions for was open writing assignments

“I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know what I wanted to write.”

She said that she could always tell when people were lying.

Human nature responds to the collision of emotions and rational thought with something that is called cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is the reason I found myself interested in psychology in the first place.

If you don’t know what that is let me educate you.

Every single person on this planet has experienced this feeling. It’s that feeling when you hate someone but you still kind of understand the reasons behind their actions.

As I said, EVERY single person on this planet, that means you too.

Common sense says that you just thought about a time when you had conflicting emotions.

Why is it so common?

Every single person who has ever gone through puberty knows the feeling.

All of those things your parents tell you not to do as a child, that you danced along the edges when deciding what to do as an adult.

If a man has made a decision to call off a relationship with you, you can bet that, unless you are a horrible person that you know of, at some point he has questioned that decision.

So, think back to a time when you had to ask for more time.

Go ahead, I’ll give you a minute.

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I bet it didn’t even take you twenty seconds to remember one of the times you had to ask for a reprieve.

Why? Because even the most brown-nosing straight A student has her off days and needs some more time.

There are few words more daunting after a breakup when you are hoping for an explanation and instead you get “I just need some time.”

I mean generally when a woman would say that it would have a hundred different meanings.

We are so complicated, us women.

But men…

men are so much more likely to be straightforward.

When a man asks for time, he usually means he wants time, space, and distance.

Most men want straight forward. Most men want black and white. Most men want to be as far away from drama even if they are the ones that caused it.

So, what does it mean when he says he needs time to… and… something else. Generally, when anyone makes a declarative statement and then follows it up with a qualifier, the qualifier usually holds a bit of truth to it.

Everyone has a set of basic human needs. It isn’t as big on the scale as physical needs, like food, water, sleep, and safety, but self-actualization is important. Feeling like you have some semblance of control over the things that happen to you falls somewhere in between esteem and safety. Sometimes that means taking a moment to yourself and taking a step back to look at your life.

Men back away from things for various reasons, because they are stressed, either because of something within the relationship or outside of it.

In every relationship, there is a dominant partner and a submissive partner.

Don’t get excited. I’m not talking  Fifty Shades type stuff.

I’m saying that one person gives in a little more than the other, makes sacrifices to keep the relationship going. In turn, they lose things. The power shifts to one side of the relationship.

There is a reason I spend so much time repeating myself when I say that a relationship is a partnership… a partnership… a PARTNERSHIP!!



If you can’t tell I believe in this.

There’s always truth to the things we say, even the lies, at least some truth.

So, when your boyfriend says he needs to take some time to himself, you can bet your butt that any reason he gives after that has SOME truth to it and you can tell by WHAT he says.

Most people don’t know what they want in a relationship.

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In my experience, feeling that unbalanced weight of the relationship shifts to one side triggers a fight or flight response.

So, in the interest of staying positive about things, we are going to assume that your ex actually needs time and it wasn’t just an excuse to break things off.

What did his reason he gave mean? And what does it mean for you?

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He Needs Time To “Figure Himself Out”

If he says he needs time to “figure himself out” then it’s likely that, on some level, he has let his autonomy escape him. Feeling like you aren’t living up to your potential is scary! When we are on our own, it is easy to give your full focus to your goals and achieving them, becoming the person you want to be.

If your ex needs time to figure himself out, it likely means that he feels like he has lost sight of his goals and ideals. It isn’t uncommon for the line between couples’ goals to become a little blurred after the weight of decision making begins to shift back and forth.

My guess is that your ex has realized how out of focus the views he had before the relationship have become and he is trying to remedy that feeling.

In every relationship, making the other person happy starts to take precedent over the things we see as important. Then keeping the relationship from derailing takes precedent. No one wants to be the reason things didn’t work out, so focus shifts to efforts not to rock the boat.

Did your ex put in a lot of effort into making you happy at the beginning, possibly over his own desires?

Did he give in when tensions rose later in the relationship in order to keep the peace?

If you see similarities in this scenario and your ex said he needs to figure himself out, then your next move should be to focus on how you can establish a more healthy relationship that takes into consideration what he wants.

He Needs Time To “Get His Life In Order”

If he says he needs time to “get his life in order” then it’s likely that he lost control of something in his life. Tell me you haven’t ever been in a situation in which your world felt like it was spiraling out of control. I bet you can’t.

They say time flies when you’re having fun. But being in a relationship kind of turns the rest of your life into a funnel.

Everything that happens, every choice that you make goes through a filter of, “How will this affect my relationship?”

I understand that line of thinking.

It’s what happens when you feel comfortable with someone. You think of the two of you as one unit.

But, suddenly it dawns on you that you are an us and you realize that if you ever weren’t an “us” your solo life would be out of control.

Realizing this makes a man feel like he needs to pull the things in his life into a pile and jump in the middle of it and flail around until he feels like it is his again.

If you find yourself in this situation. Your best bet is to get your own life in order. Why?

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Well… the best part about this is that you have some serious power here.

Power you say?

Well, if he is truly struggling to feel like he didn’t lose a grasp on his life completely, then seeing that you were okay with not being in a codependent relationship will give him a reason to drop the fear that coming back will strip him of having his own life.

Dig in. Make your life your own. And when you get through No Contact and get the opportunity talk with your ex to rebuild even a casual relationship, show him that you have no intention of letting him sacrifice his interests.

He Needs Time To “Sort Things Out”

If he says he needs time to “sort things out” then it’s likely that he doesn’t even know what needs sorting. Usually, this means he has choices and he’s not sure what he wants to do about it.

Most men are afraid to be tied down. Having options means he has a way out if he wants one.

When someone says they need to sort things out, it is likely that they have found that they have options and they’re testing the waters.

Maybe he got an ego boost because girls were flirting with him.

Maybe someone else showed interest.

Maybe he got a taste of the single life.

And maybe he just saw other people who were happier or doing the couple thing differently.

Whatever triggered his decision, if you find yourself in this type of situation, your only option is to rise above it all. Do not give into the emotional drivers that make you want to jump up and down and say,

“I can be better! I can be whatever you want! I can make you happy!”

You don’t need to grovel. Besides… it wouldn’t work.

Every man needs to know that a woman who is PERFECTLY FINE on her own CHOOSES to be with him.

You have to be strong during No Contact.

Put every effort into being better at being solo.

It has the double perks of making him a little jealous and also making him feel like getting back together is in his best interest, like being with you is a privilege.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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He Needs Time To “Work On Himself”

If he says he needs time to “work on himself” then it’s likely that he feels like he has let himself go on one if not all fronts.

If a man admits that he needs to work on himself, it is obvious that he finds something about himself unsatisfactory. But all men feel that way in some manner of speaking. All people do.

No one is 100% happy with themselves.

I have a friend who is a beautiful specimen of a man. Sure his face is not the American standard of beautiful, but he is a gorgeous and smart man.

You know what he asks me regularly?

He asks me if he should dye his hair.

He asks me if he should get a tan.

He asks me if he should focus on getting down to 4% body fat.

This beautiful and smart man doesn’t see how gorgeous he is… all he sees is his flaws.

I’m telling you… my friend isn’t just a 10 he’s a 14, and he will never see it.

This one, this situation, your only response is to move forward in your life.

Build yourself up. Read this article on getting on the right track and building confidence.

And then, when you get done with no contact, maintain your stature.

Don’t beg for him back. Compliment him on any progress he’s made, but the key is to not lay it on thick. And then withdraw.

Do you know what stakes a man puts on a woman?

What value he places on her?

I mean sure most of them look at women and find them attractive or not attractive, hot or not.

That’s at the beginning when they aren’t sure if they want to jump in just yet.

But when it comes to a relationship and whether or not to keep it, that decision doesn’t hang solely on whether or not he loves her.

It also balances on how having her in his life affects his life.

Chris calls this “becoming the Ungettable Girl.”

I am saying that every man wants to become someone they shouldn’t have access to.

Someone that’s cooler, hotter, and out of their league.

I think that if your ex is feeling like he’s lost control of any aspect of his life, then he is going over every decision he’s ever made. That means at some point he WILL review his decision to call things off. Usually, this will be after he’s had a moment to get a few of his other ducks in a row.

If, when he does, he sees that you are better than he thought you were, better that YOU thought you were, he’ll realize he made a mistake.

So, what I am I telling you to do?

Be a baddass.

Be the most baddass version of yourself that you can be, 100%, full-tilt.

Now, some of you are picturing the women you look up to.

But, check out this article, about women who grasped at their full potential. Some of them just did small things that had a large impact.

All I am saying is that you shouldn’t wait around or chase after him.

Be great and awesome on your own. He’ll see it, and he’ll realize that letting you go was the biggest mistake he’s ever made.

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93 thoughts on “He Broke Up With Me And Told Me He Needs Time”

  1. Addison

    August 20, 2022 at 1:00 am

    I started seeing a guy and although he wasn’t my boyfriend we were seeing each other for a little while and we had great chemistry. We didn’t sleep together yet. He just got out of a relationship with an unfaithful woman.

    When I brought up commitment he told me he wasn’t ready for that and didn’t know what he wanted. Then he came back that night and wanted us to be together. Then the next day after some thought he said he wanted to talk in person.

    He asked me for time, then said that wasn’t fair to me. So We ended things. He said he was going to keep my things and that he already has feelings for me, but doesn’t know if he can handle a relationship right now. He wants to be alone and figure himself out as he has never really had that experience being in relationships before me. He said if he’s with me now, “he will never be able to let me go”. He thinks he can’t be what I need right now as his life is hectic. I know we have chemistry. I don’t know what to do. It’s been over a month of no contact.

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      September 2, 2022 at 10:12 pm

      Hey Addison, if you want to get him back then I would suggest that you start reaching out to your ex with the texting style that Chris speaks about in his program and on the articles.

  2. Olivia

    December 7, 2021 at 1:53 am

    Oh my god. This just gave me all the advice I needed. My ex and I broke up 4 days ago, and I’ve been struggling to not be in contact because he told me he “needed to get his sh*t together before we can be together again.” This gave me everything. THANK YOU !

  3. M

    November 1, 2021 at 7:26 am

    My boyfriend of almost 6 years and I broke up a few days ago because of the “I need to work on myself”. I truly believe him. He says it has nothing to do with me, that he still loves me and he wants to be with me. He didn’t want to break up but knew he had to. He said if I’m even around all he wants to do is fall back into his comfort zone and just continue on. He said if he did that, he would continue to build up in his unhappiness with himself and then take it out on me. He said that ending now while we’re still good and in love and taking his time to focus on himself and eventually focus on being a better partner he truly feels we will come back together and even stronger. I fully believe him and trust him. This is my soulmate and best friend and the best partner in the world. I want him to b happy and focus on his needs, am I heartbroken? Of course, but if I have to take the hit now, for us to come back even better than ever. Than I will. If it’s meant to be it will be.

  4. Ren Ashley

    October 18, 2021 at 10:42 pm

    My ex has been hot and cold with me. Like he will add me sometimes on social media and we will talk and then he will ghost me. He says he still loves me and hates not being with me but he says he has to work on himself and that he is lost. I don’t know what to do. I got his hoodie last week bc I was cold and I asked him. And he keeps wearing the same one he used to give me when we were dating. But most of the time he pretends that I don’t exist and never talks to me but then I always catch him looking at me. Is he just playing with my feelings or does he want me. I’ve been giving him space for 5 months and he is just getting more distant and I don’t want that because I love him so much. So if someone can please comment that would be great.

  5. Anon

    August 6, 2021 at 5:31 am

    I had been with my boyfriend for 1 and a half years. He broke up with me yesterday. He told me he’s a little burned out in all aspects of his life – but he’s the happiest he could possibly be. He’s 22, his job is great and well paid and he’s doing well. He just wants a taste of the single life.
    He had the audacity to tell me this isn’t goodbye forever as he knows “how well we’ve gotten on” – that’s what he said to me after 1 and a half years. Not that he loved me and enjoyed his time with me, just that.
    I’m feeling so angry at myself for trusting him – he has always wanted me since we were back at school but I never showed interest. Finally, I gave in and he turned out to be someone I don’t recognise. He showed me love in so many ways but also gaslit me when I said something wasn’t right.
    Last month, I found out something to do with his ex – he didn’t cheat or message her but he lied about it to my face and it wasn’t until I told him I had checked his phone that he came clean. I should’ve walked away there and then. Lying is the biggest red flag someone could possibly raise and I still stayed like a fool because he was crying in front of me and told me he realised how much he wanted to be with me when he was close to losing me.
    A month on, I was showing a lot of trust issues, questioning his every move and asking him absurd things because I didn’t trust him. He had obviously had enough and decided he wanted out because he wasn’t man enough to accept responsibility and wanted an easy out.

    I honestly can’t understand how you could ever do this to someone you claim you love, truly. I know it’s not me – all his previous relationships have been failed and I was the one girl for him he always said would turn his head since we were young. If I can’t change him, I’m afraid no one can.
    My problem is, how do I get over the heartache of knowing he might perhaps be sleeping with other people or kissing other girls when he’s out? I’ve never had a feeling of such emptiness before. I feel like I’m owed a lot more than this vague and pathetic excuse after 1 and a half years of our lives together. And the fact he’s said this isn’t goodbye forever has made me feel even angrier because I will not wait around for him to get bored of the single life and come back to me.

  6. Anna

    May 11, 2021 at 4:45 pm

    Love this article.

  7. Teresa

    March 31, 2021 at 2:39 pm

    I am going through the “i need to work on myself” and i truly believe him. he has been unhappy with himself for a long time and told me he is “poison” for me right now. I trust him fully when he says he isnt looking at other girls (relationships and dating scare him to death – which leads me to believe, in some fashion, that he stays with me because i am “safe” – and not being with me is not understood by his family – they dont know why he’s choosing to take time and not go through it all with my support while IN the relationship, he wants me to move out and not stay in the relationship/risk losing me.(we lived together for a year, but i still had my own house – i love it too much and use it as an airbnb sometimes – this was a blessing i had as i need to now move back and i dont have to worry about searching for a place to live). This page really, REALLY helped me. I have been so depressed (i have depression so this isnt just an empty statement that really means “sad and grieving” – although nothing wrong with that), it has truly been so hard for me to cope. thanks for posting this. i will re-read it when i get really down on myself and just learn to focus on me and not wait around for him although I REALLY want to..

  8. Lucy Jones

    October 20, 2020 at 9:27 am


    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Our relationship is amazing we are best friends and share the same goals, morals and interests. I moved in with him last year (into his home) since lock down we have been arguing and bickering usually ending in him saying you know where the door is and asking me to leave.

    The 4 weekends leading up to the breakup he had changed his drinking habits, drinking to the point he was passing out and becoming disrespectful. He got so drunk he told me to get out – so I did. He called me and apologised for the first week saying he missed me and there must be a way we can get around this. I remained cold as I was so fed up. I then reached out and said let’s fix this and he’s miraculously changed his mind. Said there was no way he was going to try again. I got pathetic and begged trying to change his mind over the phone but he maintained we couldn’t be together. 4 days later after no contact I received a message asking if he could speak to me and he kind of opened the door to trying again…. because that phone call consisted of me asking him to calm down with the alcohol he back tracked again and said it didn’t matter. He’s then been really cold with me since saying he’d love to try it again but doesn’t think it’s fair on me. Or if things were good he’d be open to trying again but doesn’t think we should because his hearts not in it but doesn’t know what the future will hold and isn’t ruling anything out.

    We’ve went back to the no contact which mentally destroys me. I cry myself to sleep every night with the help of sleeping tablets.

    What do I do now? Do you think that’s him letting me down gently or that he’s genuinely confused with what he wants?

    I can’t believe we are in this situation we really were best friends and can’t believe he is refusing to consider the good points.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 10:59 pm

      Hi Lucy, so that is the most important thing right now is that you work on yourself so that you no longer need to take sleeping tablets, cry yourself to sleep and feel this distraught over the break up. Before you learn to pass this stage, and work on yourself. This program main focus is that you work on yourself to be the best version of yourself, your strongest and happiest self. Before you can get your ex back, you need to get yourself to this point.

  9. Jessica

    May 12, 2020 at 1:30 am

    So my boyfriend just broke up with me basically today. We have been together for about 8 months which I know doesn’t seem like a long time at all and it probably isn’t but I truly did love him. Anyways, he broke up with me since he said that he needed time right now to think and that he feels that right now really isn’t a good time for him to be in a relationship. I was expecting this in a way since he has been off the past two weeks but I told him that I would wait for him regardless, I said that I want to be with him once he gets everything figured out because I think he’s worth it. I know that I sound foolish for doing so but we are both in love, he said he loves me and that I hold a special place in his heart and that’s why he still wants me in his life but as a friend. I will be his friend but I will wait until he gets things figured out, I told him that if he falls for someone to tell me and if I happen to fall for someone I will let him know. At the moment, we are just taking a break from speaking for a bit but he said he will contact me soon and we can hang out soon.

  10. Elizabeth

    April 26, 2020 at 5:07 pm

    My ex and I were together for a year and a half. I still love him a lot and I think there’s a part of him that still loves me. He broke up with me Feb 5th because he felt after a year and a half I should trust him; though he knew going in I had trust issues he didn’t help me much to overcome them. I tried on my own but he was always very dismissive of my feelings which didn’t help. I didn’t feel he was in my corner and felt his friends were more important than me. The other reason, which is probably the main trigger, that he broke up with me was because he was very stressed with me. He started a new job at a start-up and had a lot of responsibility. Toward the end he was pulling away and treating me poorly and I ended up not sleeping, having really bad anxiety, and was just a blubbering mess. I tried talking to him and just hanging out with him but he was very distant and would only watch tv with me. He wouldn’t make plans with me but he would with his one single friend. This made me feel insecure and like he wanted to find someone else. When I mentioned my feelings they would be shot down and dismissed. In any event, we were in a very serious relationship, living together. We were looking at houses last fall and talked about our wedding. Then he just gave up and pulled away. At the end of Feb we spent a week together and we ended up cuddling in bed one night and he said “I do want to date you, I just need some time. All you do is frustrate me right now”. A week later he goes on a date but says to me he doesn’t know what it is and says “Who says I’m moving on?”. Then a week after that he gets into a relationship with her and with this virus she practically moved in after a week of them declaring their relationship. Now they’ve been together for over a month. I still have my things at his house. Last time we texted it was about logistics and he was nasty. Then a few days after he said thank you for something i needed to do and I didnt respond. This was the last week of March. I am going back and forth on all the things I did wrong and blaming myself. I want him back and I feel because he’s in a new relationship I’ve lost all possibility of that. I don’t understand why he said the words he did. I am so lost and confused.

  11. Sarah

    April 11, 2020 at 4:41 pm

    My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, “needs time.” He didn’t break up with me, his status still says “in a relationship,” but he told me after our last fight that he needs time, that I really hurt him. I contacted after a week and he said “I need more time, I’m sorry. Im tired of all the fighting. I am really enjoying getting to enjoy my family and friends right now. If you can’t wait for me I totally understand.” I don’t want to lose him, and I know I am working on me and all the reasons the fights were my responsibility. I told him he was worth waiting for. Now do I do no contact for 30 days? It sounds like he wants me to move on.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 11, 2020 at 11:26 pm

      Hi Sarah yes start your NC for 30 days

  12. Kaitlyn

    April 9, 2020 at 2:32 am

    My boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he said he needs time to figure himself. After reading this article and bringing up how to fit in what he considers in a relationship, he said we could take a three week break to think about it. I am currently dealing with seasonal affective disorder and it has impacted our relationship greatly. Looking back I was not telling him how much I appreciated him enough. He told my friends that everything is just an “I don’t know” right now. His relationship influences in his life are not healthy and his past ex cheated on him. In the relationship he’d always be so worried that I would break up with him, wondering if he mattered to me, and doubting my feelings towards him. I have always suggested the idea to him in the past that he deals with anxiety, and I feel as though he is struggling with relationship anxiety. He never talked to me about what he was thinking before the breakup or really any negative feelings/thoughts he had. My friend brought the idea of relationship anxiety to him to help him figure out where his head is at right now. He also told me that he was worrying and thinking about me too much and that was part of the reason he broke up with me. When my friend brought up the idea of it, he refused to believe it. I want to help him through this and I want to talk to him about how we can implement things in our relationship such as space, but I am unable to because we are currently in the three week break. I am afraid that he will not come back. He loves me very much, was never unhappy in the relationship, and said it was the best one he’s ever had. I am torn because I love him endlessly. I am just afraid that he will not come back to me after the three weeks.

  13. Tameka N Woodland

    April 3, 2020 at 4:04 pm

    My boyfriend call it quits after 4 years . He said he needed space but l didn’t give it to him l begged him to stay Together but he said it was over when l asked him. No l feel bad . what should I do because he told me he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me anymore.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 4, 2020 at 8:46 pm

      Hi Tameka, it is hard but you need to start and stick to your No Contact

  14. Amy

    April 3, 2020 at 2:56 pm

    Hi, So my 1.5year old relationship broke up a few days back. We are in a long distance relationship and he got very busy with work while I had some free time, so I wanted to talk to him throughout the day but he couldn’t manage work and me together. He didn’t mention that he was busy because he didn’t want to upset me so I thought everything is normal. We had one last argument and All of a sudden he decided to break up saying he is overloaded emotionally and with work and he doesn’t feel stable and feels very tired and exhausted to think about anything and do anything. He said he wants to be alone for sometime and can’t do this anymore. I was supposed to meet him this weekend but everything is locked down because of the recent corona pandemic. The article above made me optimistic but I am very anxious and constantly thinking what’s running in his head, has he fallen out of love ? Will he approach me if let’s say he sorts his head. I am scared he ll never.come back to me whereas he means the world to me. Please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 12, 2020 at 2:06 pm

      Hi Amy, it is difficult to accept when someone wants time and when you are LDR you feel that you are not together it is hard, but what your ex means right now is he needs time to himself. So allow him that and let him miss hearing from you. In the mean time you need to follow NC for 30 days, working on yourself for some time with the information about the Holy Trinity. The reach out day 31 with a positive text asking advice about something you know he would be interested in talking about.

  15. Renae

    February 19, 2020 at 5:43 pm

    My ex boyfriend and I had been dating for a year and after our one year anniversary things started spiraling out of control. I started becoming insecure, overthinking, jealous of a girl at work and our communication fell apart. We both realized this was happening and we had no control of fixing it. At first he decided to take a break in order to get some space from the situation. He told me and my sister that he didn’t want to break up, however, rumors and stuff got around and I found that he was thinking of a break up for a few days but didn’t know how to tell me since I am a sensitive person and he hates to see me cry. After that we had a talk and decided that we both needed time away from eachother for him it was so he could get space from the relationship and for me it was to find self love and not revolve my happiness and life around him. Because one issue I did have was being clingy due to many loses of love ones I was terrified in losing him and now I’m more scared than ever. We agreed that in a month we would come together and see where we are and we both know we still love eachother and that this break up was not forever. Even after the break up when I ask if we can talk to resolve our problems he agrees and comes over to talk but he also still kisses me and hugs me and recently we had sex but nothing was forced on him or me. The break didn’t work cause he wasn’t getting the space that he wanted so breaking up set boundaries. But mu problems of overthinking is making me scared to hold onto hope again like I did when we were on a break. I know that I want to be with him more than anything but there needs to be those feelings coming from both of us. I’m wanting to know if I should still have hope and what i should do so I can be better myself for our future relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 28, 2020 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Renae, so to give yourself your best chance you are going to have to work on your insecurities that you have mentioned above, look up the ungettable girl videos or posts and work on your lifestyle and build your self esteem

  16. Kacie

    January 21, 2020 at 5:16 pm

    My boyfriend of just under a year decided that he is unhappy with his life and doesn’t want to bring me down in all his unhappiness and wants to work on getting happy. So we are no longer together. He says we both need to be happy and then work on being happy together.
    He’s always on the go and over extending himself. I really noticed a change in November when his son decided to move in with his mom. Him and his son haven’t been getting along. He’s 15. His mom lets him do whatever he wants. My boyfriend is strict and try’s to teach him hard work and his son just doesn’t want to do anything because he knows he can get away with it at the moms. He has a daughter as well that is 10 and the mom doesn’t allow her to talk to him. She calls child support her pay check and feeds her daughter lies about my boyfriend.
    In short he’s been upset about his kids and our relationship had become affected by it. No affection, sex or him wanting to do anything. I tried to be supportive and tried to help to relieve stress. He keeps thinking buying things or money will make him happy. I told him his mind set and his choice to be happy will only make him happy. I can’t do it no one can but him.
    I feel so helpless and sad because he let me go. I feel like you fight for who you love you don’t give up. He says we each have to work on being happy and then work on being happy together and it scares me because does he really want me back at some point or is he just saying that?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 12:45 pm

      Hey Kacie, I cant really answer your question on he knows that. But what you can do is work on being the best version of yourself so that when you speak again he regrets letting you go

  17. olivia m

    December 3, 2019 at 4:28 am

    my ex boyfriend and i were friends for over 2 years had a big fight and ended our friendship, a couple of months later we found our way back to each other,friends into bestfriends within a month and started dating for almost a year, then we got into a big fight and took the day to think about what we wanted.. i told him not to come back into my life unless he wanted to be init for the long-term. have gim one week and he came back into my life everything was fine for about two weeks then he called things off he said he wasnt himself and that his mental-health wasnt in the best spot and im the only reason he is seeking help.. and that he was coming back… after a month i thought we should say goodbye for now thinking it would give him the freedom to think… when we said goodbye he said he didnt want it ti be a goodbye forever.. a month later i told him i was going to wait for him, he told me to life my life and he wasnt sure if he was going to come back.. i am a hopeless romantic.. but we were once so inlove.. should i keep holding on to the hope?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:32 pm

      Hi Olivia it sounds like a very up and down relationship so you would need to go into a No Contact where you do not speak with him at all, or reply to anything he sends you for minimum 30 days where you can work on yourself in attempt to get out of the patterns you have created with each other. When you have had some time apart you can consider if you are better of as just friends, or if you are going to try and get him back as more than a friend, but you need to do so gradually following what Chris calls the Value Chain and there is information about this on this website for you to read

  18. Leah

    November 27, 2019 at 3:08 pm

    My ex and I only were together for a short period of time, but everything fell into place and we were very much into each other. There were never any signs showing that he did not want a relationship, but he quit our last couple of dates abruptly due to not feeling well. I had an understanding that he struggles with his mental health and his reason for breaking up was that he’s not at a point in his life to be in a relationship and needs to figure himself out. I just want to know if you think I still have a chance with him if I give him time?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 28, 2019 at 9:53 pm

      Hi Leah yes you have a chance if you follow the program and also give him the space he needs

  19. Suzanne

    November 25, 2019 at 7:25 pm


    This article helped a little, but I’m still having a hard time. My boyfriend and I dated for a year and a half. We had a great relationship. We rarely argued and when we did, we talked it out and moved on. His grandfather passed away 3 weeks ago which he was super close with. He’s been quick to anger since it happened. He broke up with me and keeps telling me he needs time and space because he’s not happy and not himself anymore. He said the death of his grandfather and this breakup has been hard on him. He tells me he’s going to regret this probably and hopes this isn’t a goodbye but a see you later but he’s been in contact with girls he use to speak to before we met. I’ve been trying the NC rule, but it’s just been a week so it’s been a little rough. He tells me it’s not me, it’s him, he needs a little time and space to figure things out. Do you think I should hold out to hope and just see if he comes back or try to move on?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 26, 2019 at 7:59 pm

      Hi Suzanne, so I think hes being honest if he was close with his grandfather and hes just lost him he is going to be going through all the stages of grief, and at times we push those away who are trying to help as at that time is is not what we want to hear or deal with. Allow him that space with No Contact and then reach out at the end of your 30 days

  20. Amy K

    November 25, 2019 at 6:12 pm

    So my fiance of 2 1/2 years broke up with me last week . he gathered his stuff for about three days. We lived together for 2 years. On that last day we hugged for a long time. He said he need to focus on him and his family right now. It has been stressful for the past few months with his job dad going in for 3 stents in the heart. Me with my anxiety and being distant because of it. And now his grandpa is in the hospital and not doing well.

    He is an ex addict and when I came into his life he said I saved his life and he has been clean because of me
    He said that last day I was the best thing that has happened to him. And he cares about me and he loves me. He just needs to focus on him.
    Our last goodbye was a long hug some tears and several kisses and several I love yous
    And he’s a phone call away
    I just dont know how to keep no contact especially with his grandpa being I’ll and I care for his family also.

    Please advise

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 26, 2019 at 8:29 pm

      Hi Amy, so you need to stick to the NC, unless he reaches out and tells you his grandfather has passed or is better etc, then you reply as needed but do not speak more than condolences or relief if hes okay. and back into NC for 30 days in total

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