We are going to do something a little bit different with this article.
Something I haven’t done since I last wrote an article about, The Ungettable Girl.
Instead of talking about what to do in this situation or what to do in that situation I want to talk about what qualities you can exhibit that are more likely to increase your chances of re-attracting your ex.
In other words, I am going to pull back the curtain and give you ultimate insight into the mind of the man.
But this begs the question.
How do I know that exhibiting this exact behavior will work?
How can I guarantee that I am just not making it up off the top of my head?
When I research these articles I generally have a gauntlet that I often put my ideas through.
Here’s a picture of my gauntlet,
You will notice that there are three parts to this gauntlet,
- My Thoughts
- My Research
- What I Have Seen
Basically when I get an idea I try to pick it apart in any way that I can.
I will give you an example.
Let’s take the a basic principle “ex recovery” principle like the no contact rule and run it through the gauntlet.
Gauntlet Test One: My Thoughts
I always like to test things against myself because I am a man. Therefore, I know how most of them think. So, sometimes simply asking,
“Would this work on me?”
Is enough of a test for me to tell if an idea is good or bad.
So, would it?
Would a strategy like the no contact rule work on me?
Well, it may very well be the most popular strategy that I talk about on Ex Boyfriend Recovery so of course it would!
But doing the “self test” alone isn’t enough to determine if an idea is good enough to put on this site. Nope, there are two more tests that the gauntlet will throw at it to determine if it’s an idea worth pursuing.
Gauntlet Test Two: My Research
What are others who have dedicated their lives to relationships saying about it?
Do they like it?
Are they iffy about it?
These are all very important things to consider before giving the “go ahead” on an idea.
For example, let’s say that I thought the no contact rule would work on myself (test one) but when I did my research all the experts out there were arguing against it (which they really aren’t.)
Well, that’s cause for alarm and may make me want to think twice about endorsing an idea.
Of course, there are those rare cases where experts are completely wrong.
Which is why test three comes in handy.
Gauntlet Test Three: What I Have Seen
Ex Boyfriend Recovery is a big site.
Oh, who am I kidding.
This is a BIG A** site.
Meaning that every single month close to 600,000 women stop by here. Now, I am no math wiz but when you add the numbers up that means that over 7.2 million people come to this website every single year.
That’s a lot of people.
And you want to know what advantage there is to having that many people visit the site?
A lot of people try things without you even recommending it.
And since we have formed a really amazing community here at EBR a lot of those people inform us on whether or not an idea worked or failed.
So, with a strategy like the no contact rule we have found that over 70% of our successes (meaning a woman got her boyfriend back) utilized NC. Therefore, we know that it’s an effective strategy.
The whole idea behind the gauntlet is to put every idea through a test so that we aren’t wasting your time.
Now, it may seem like I just wasted three minutes of your life explaining this whole “gauntlet” idea but the truth is that there is a method to my madness.
This entire page is dedicated to teaching you about what qualities an ex boyfriend is drawn to in his ex girlfriend. Therefore, I am going to be showing you A LOT of qualities/ideas.
However, instead of expecting you to follow me blindly I am going to peel back the layers and let you in on what I found via the gauntlet tests. In other words, I am going to show you all of my findings in addition to letting you in on the qualities that attract men.
Quality #1: The Chase
Geez… Has anyone ever told you that you are very impatient?
Ok, let’s begin.
Don’t be easy to get… You’ll be easy to forget
I heard that quote somewhere and totally wanted to use it…. So I did!
Men love the chase.
You see, there is a fundamental difference between how men and women often approach relationships. Women are very concerned with establishing a committed relationships while men are concerned with the thrill of getting into a new relationship.
My friend Wes said it best,
The best part about dating isn’t actually getting into a relationship with a woman. It’s the thrill ride of trying to get there.
And I have to admit. He’s kind of right.
Men are hunters.
We like to hunt things.
We like to chase things.
So, what if there is no chase?
What if there is nothing to hunt?
Well, that’s kind of what happened to you in your relationship with your ex. You got boring to him. There was no chase involved.
Of course, what do I know about the chase?
I’m a married man, right?
At least, that’s the logic that a someone named Butterfflyess had on my YouTube Channel,
But she has a point.
What could I know?
What chase could I possibly be experiencing now that I am a married man?
Well, just because I am married doesn’t mean that I can’t experience “the chase” with my wife. Hell, sometimes I still feel like I am chasing after her. And even though it annoys me to no end it also serves an important purpose.
It keeps things fresh.
It keeps things new.
But perhaps you need something a bit more scientific to drill this point home so I would like to introduce you to my research.
What My Research Says About “The Chase”
Have you ever heard of a principle called, psychological reactance?
It’s basically this psychology principle that states that whenever someone has a freedom taken away or is threatened to have that freedom taken away they are more drawn to having that freedom.
This is very prevalent in children.
Have you ever noticed that you can give a child a toy and they will get very excited about it for about ten seconds and then they get bored of it and move on to something else. But if another child comes around and picks up the toy that they just got bored with all of a sudden they are very interested in having that toy back.
In other words, when the child realized that their freedom of having that toy was taken away they were more drawn to the toy.
The same principle applies here with your ex and the chase.
By playing hard to get you are essentially signifying to your ex that he doesn’t have the freedom to “have you.” Psychology has found that doing this to a person actually makes them want you more.
This is why “the chase” has proven to be such an effective method of attraction.
But science can only take us so far.
What about the experience I have had dealing with “the chase?”
What I Have Seen Regarding “The Chase”
Take a moment and look over this picture,
Now, I realize that this is actually very difficult to make out but this is actually a screenshot of one of my independent studies where I looked directly at my successes and tried to determine what they did that worked versus what didn’t work.
This particular success is actually found on the brother site to this site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery. I realize that we are talking about men in this article but what I found with this success story can directly apply to what I am talking about so I am going to use it.
As you can see from my notes this particular guy begged for his ex girlfriend back a total of 3 times and essentially fell flat on his face every time.
It wasn’t until he implemented the no contact rule, a tactic that forces your ex to chase after you to get a response that he started seeing some results.
By it’s very nature the no contact rule forces you to play hard to get.
And here we have an example of a man who did not play hard to get and failed at getting his ex back. In fact, it wasn’t until he started playing hard to get. It wasn’t until he started implementing a way to get his ex to chase him that he started seeing results.
“The chase” works!
Quality #2: The Madonna-Whore Complex
Instead, of giving a bit of build up on the madonna-whore complex I am just going to jump straight to my research.
The madonna-whore complex isn’t something I just made up off the top of my head.
Quite the contrary, it’s a principle that was thought up by this guy,
Now, before I get to explaining the concept there is something important that we need to talk about.
When you first read the words, “Madonna-Whore” complex what was the first thing you thought of?
You thought of Madonna… the famous singer, right?
Well, believe it or not when we talk about “madonna” in this article we aren’t going to be referring to the pop superstar. Instead, we are going to be using the literal definition.
Madonna- The Virgin Mary
And as for “whore…”
Well, I don’t think you need any prep for that.
That means what you think it does.
So, what is the “madonna-whore complex?”
What Is It?
The MW complex revolves around the idea that a man can’t maintain sexual arousal while in the midst of a loving and committed relationship.
The idea basically goes like this.
Men either see women as a saint like “madonna” or as a “whore” like a prostitute.
Men with this complex will prefer a woman who has more “whore” like qualities.
But how does this tie in to what we are talking about?
I mean, am I really telling you that you need to become a whore to re-attract your ex boyfriend?
I want you to think of it like this,
A man is going to have two different views of you. He is either going to see you as a girl that he will never consider sleeping with.
He is going to see you as a girl he will consider sleeping with. A girl that he will fantasize about sleeping with.
Do you care to take a guess at where you need to fall if you want to have any chance of re-attracting an ex?
Yup, you need to fall under the category where he fantasizes about sleeping with you.
Now, it’s still possible for a man to feel affection towards a Madonna but it will be more of a mother like affection.
Ah… a mother like affection.
Remember that phrase because it’s going to be important in a second.
The obvious question that you have in your mind right now is how? How can you become a girl he will fantasize about sleeping with.
Well, let’s turn to real life and I want to show you what I am seeing.
What I Have Seen Regarding The MW Complex
It always shocks me when I hear stories about your relationships.
Seriously, half the time I am sitting there thinking,
“Man, this guy doesn’t deserve you… You are way to good for him.”
But maybe that’s the problem.
Do you remember a few seconds ago when I told you to remember that phrase about mothers?
Well, here’s the payoff.
If you act like a mother to a man he is going to treat you like a mother.
In other words, if you spoil him too much, do his laundry, dishes, cook for him, etc he is going to take you for granted and he will lose his physical attraction to you.
I know it sounds weird.
As a married man all I think half the time is how great it would be if my wife did my clothes.
But she doesn’t.
Maybe that’s why I am so wildly attracted to her.
She constantly leaves me wanting more.
She doesn’t act like my mother.
She acts like my wife.
So, I guess the main takeaway from the MW complex is that you shouldn’t act so saintly or perfect around a man. Don’t cater to his needs. He will take you for granted.
Quality #3: Reverse Psychology Specifically Around Dating
If you are familiar with my work on PRO then you would know that I recommend that you go on three dates with your ex before you make any serious moves about obtaining a commitment.
The idea behind this is that each date slowly builds up attraction and will raise your chances of getting a man to ask you to be official again.
But that’s assuming that everything goes according to plan.
That’s assuming that we live in a perfect world.
I mean, what happens if you get on the first date with your ex and he says,
“You know we aren’t ever going to get back together, right? I just want to be friends.”
It can be deflating to your confidence and as much as I hate to admit this it happens quite often.
So, what can you do to flip the script?
How can you make this work for you?
Well, you can use reverse psychology.
Exes are terrified of getting serious with another ex (you.) So, take that knowledge and use it against him. Create a situation where you put him in the role of the chaser and you in the role of the “chasee!”
Here’s what you do.
Tell him that you aren’t interested in jumping back into a relationship with both feet before he has the chance.
Remember what I just told you about psychological reactance and how men hate having their “freedom” taken away?
Well, that’s essentially what you are doing.
You are putting him in a position where not only will it put a stop to his fears that you are after something “serious” but it also takes his freedom to have you away.
Are you starting to see a common theme here?
Often times the key to attracting a man is this constant push/pull of attraction (more on that in a second.)
Let’s turn our attention to my research.
Research Around Reverse Psychology
People hate being told what they can’t do.
And that’s why this method is so effective.
You are basically telling your ex that he can’t get into a relationship with you. You are depriving him of his freedom to have you (psychological reactance.) And once that freedom has been taken away he is going to go batshit crazy trying to get it back.
Don’t believe me?
Ok, let’s take a look at a few real life examples that I came across in my research.
Take a look at this picture,
What does this sign say?
It says not to throw stones at it, right?
Does it look like people listened?
Hell no… I count 17 places where it looks like rocks were thrown at the sign.
Ok, try this one on for size,
No target shooting.
Does it look like people listened?
Nope, it looks like someone used the sign for target practice.
Ok, last one I promise,
I did this to my wife the other day.
I had just gotten out of the shower and was back from a workout and she happened to be in the room.
“Do you think I look alright?”
Care to guess her response?
“Oh my god… You look amazing.”
Reverse psychology works.
But what about with exes?
What I Have Seen With Reverse Psychology
When it comes to getting an ex back reverse psychology is hit or miss.
Sometimes it works phenomenally and sometimes it doesn’t work at all.
There are a lot of extracurricular factors that go into it.
So, I think what it all boils down to is picking your spots. Honestly, the best use of reverse psychology that I have seen relating to exes is the example I gave above about nipping an exes fears of getting serious in the bud.
Remember, before he has a chance to tell you that he doesn’t want a relationship you jump in and say,
I’m NOT interested in jumping back into a relationship with both feet.
This automatically puts him in a position where he is going to want to prove you wrong.
Simple, your ex boyfriend, in the back of his mind has a god complex… at least when it comes to his relationship with you.
He thinks he will have this ultimate power over you where he can seduce you and get you to do anything he wants.
Because that’s how most women react to a breakup.
They beg for their exes back…
They act pathetic.
So, rather than doing what he has been conditioned to believe is true you are going to do the opposite. You are going to make him feel like you are in the drivers seat as opposed to him being there.
Quality #4: The Push/Pull Theory
The push/pull theory is a pretty simple theory on the surface but once you dive deeper it can become complex.
In other words, there is a very specific way that I feel it should be used.
But let’s define it first.
The Push/Pull Theory- You pull your ex in by saying or doing something sweet and then you push them away by teasing them or doing something that disqualifies “the pull.”
Mixed signals are a perfect example of the push/pull theory.
When your ex does something that makes you think,
“Man, they may really want me back.”
And then the next moment they turn around and do something that makes you think,
“Never mind… they don’t want me back.”
This is the push/pull theory at work.
The desired result by using the push/pull theory is that you make your ex want you even more. It’s supposed to put you in a position where you are highly valued. BUT in order to achieve this you really need to implement the theory in a certain way.
More on that in a second.
Let’s turn to our research.
What Research Says About The Push/Pull Theory
I first came across the push/pull theory when reading a book called,
“The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists”
It was basically written by a guy who was very nerdy and couldn’t get a girl to save his life. However, throughout the book he undergoes this physical and emotional transformation after meeting and hanging out with a society of pickup artists.
Essentially he listens to what they say and successfully is able to get any girl he wants.
One of the tactics that these PUA’s preached to him was the push/pull theory.
Now, I do want to say that pickup artists are a pretty despicable bunch.
They don’t respect women…
They take advantage of them…
All around they aren’t very nice.
But they were on to something with the push/pull theory. Just not in the way they describe it.
You see, there is a fundamental flaw with the push/pull theory.
It basically makes you look like an a**hole.
What I Have Found To Be True With The Push/Pull Theory
I want you to imagine something for me.
Imagine that you use the P/P theory to the extreme.
You say something that pulls your ex in,
And then you say something that pushes him away,
This is the way the pickup community thinks you should use the push/pull theory.
I think this is a massive mistake because all you accomplish by doing this is looking like a total dweeb. Seriously, if someone did that to me I am pretty sure they would be getting a big “fu*k you” in my head. So, here’s what you should do.
Instead of taking the push/pull theory literally and incorporating it into every message or conversation you have with your ex you should look at it in a more general way.
Yes, you want to incorporate it but you probably need to incorporate it without saying something that will piss your ex off.
That’s why I would like to introduce you to my version of the push/pull theory.
Ex Boyfriend Recoveries Push/Pull Theory
Have you ever been fishing?
Have you ever caught a fish?
Well, allow me to explain how that process goes down.
The first thing you need is a fishing pole and some type of bait to attract the fish. Once you have those things you go to an area where there are fish and throw your line in the water,
Eventually… after enough time passes a fish will bite the bait and get stuck on the hook at the end of the fishing line,
Now the hard part begins. It’s time to reel your fish in.
Well, oftentimes if you reel the fish in too fast then it will get loose and run away.
So, what can you do?
Well, what you want to do is lighly pull the fish in… and then let it go a bit…. and then pull it in a bit… and then let it go for a bit. However, the key here is that every time you “let it go” you let it go for less and less.
Remember, you want this fish to be pulled in completely.
It kind of looks like this,
Do you see where I am going with this analogy?
Ok, maybe this will make things clearer,
You essentially want to make your ex feel like he has a chance and then make him feel like he hasn’t. You want to be engaged with him and then not engaged with him.
Let me give you an example.
Let’s say that you have gotten very far into the ex recovery process and you are at the point where you are talking on the phone. The two of you just had an amazing conversation. This can be classified as “the pull.”
Well, now it’s time to push.
Maybe you ignore him for a day.
You don’t say anything mean or do anything ridiculous that those pickup artists recommend you just ignore.
That’s all the push you need.
Quality #5: Waiting To Sleep With An Ex
I know what you are thinking,
“What man would find that attractive?”
Subconsciously women understand that men are attracted to sex. After all, why else would a woman want to wear something like this,
It’s not because it’s comfortable.
It’s because they know that showing off their body will appeal to a man and it’s true.
But you are in a very unique situation. Assuming you and your ex were together for quite some time I am guessing that the two of you slept together at some point. Therefore, your ex has nothing else to chase. Look, call me insensitive, rude, horrible or whatever other bad adjectives you can think of but the truth is that men are hardwired to want to have lots of sex.
Your ex is no different.
It’s just that sometimes he wants to have sex with other people.
Now, if you haven’t caught on already the big theme behind attracting a man is constantly leaving him with this feeling that he has to chase you.
So, what happens when he has nothing else to chase?
He will stop chasing.
Perhaps I should give you an example.
Let’s pretend that I am consulting a woman named Cordelia who wants her ex, Bob, back.
Now let’s say that I tell Cordelia that under no circumstances can she sleep with Bob before she successfully gets him back. Unfortunately, Cordelia doesn’t heed my advice and she begins to notice one of two things happening.
- Bob suddenly loses interest in her
- Bob wants more sex but refuses to become “official.”
Let’s take a look at what’s going on in Bob’s mind throughout these two “things.”
Thing One: Bob Suddenly Loses Interest In Cordelia
Like I said above, men are hardwired to want sex.
But what happens when they get what they want and they aren’t locked down in a relationship. What happens when they aren’t obligated to stay.
Well, then they move on to the next thing.
They try to get sex from someone else.
To quote the late great Barney Stinson,
At least, a lot of men have this mentality.
Men need structure.
We like it.
Hell, just the other day I told my wife that I literally need her to hold me accountable to my work schedule. In other words, I needed her to make sure I was working. I have this nasty habit of getting distracted and not doing my work.
Here’s my point.
Without a relationship to hold a man to a structure he is going to try to sleep with new people.
Let’s move on and talk about thing two!
Thing Two: Bob Wants More Sex But Refuses To Become “Official.”
Friends with benefits.
That’s essentially what you are with your ex the second you sleep with him when you aren’t in a relationship.
I get why you do it.
I really do.
You are thinking that if you sleep with your ex he is going to have his passion for you re-ignited and he is going to want to be back in a relationship with you.
That rarely ever happens.
Usually what ends up happening is he tries to scam his way into having sex with you again but he won’t commit.
Sure it’s messy along the way.
He will fool you into thinking that he wants to get back into a relationship with you with text messages like this,
But when push comes to shove he doesn’t take any meaningful actions to lock you down in a relationship.
Here’s what it all boils down to.
Sleeping with an ex boyfriend prematurely BEFORE you get him back is a mistake because it gives him what he wants before he actually earns it.
In a traditional relationship a man has to court a woman and get her to agree to be in a relationship with him before she decides to sleep with him.
That’s how it’s supposed to work.
But by sleeping with an ex before he has earned the right to sleep with you, you are basically re-enforcing the idea that it’s ok for him to be friends with benefits with you.
That’s a place you don’t want to be.
What Research Says About Waiting To Sleep With A Man
Back in 2000 communications professor, Sandra Metts did a study to determine if having an emotional connection (saying “I love you”) before having sex could have a positive impact on the trajectory of a relationship.
She determined that couples who had sex before saying “I love you” often had a negative experience with their relationship.
AKA: They broke up faster or had a very toxic experience in their relationships.
What does this tell us?
Well, it tells us that establishing an emotional connection before you have sex is very important for the survival of a relationship.
It also explains my theory above about how men can suddenly lose interest after getting sex too soon.
There is no emotional connection to hold their interest.
Which is why it’s essential to get them to commit before you become intimate.
What I Have Seen From Women Who Sleep With Their Exes
I want to show you something.
This is a comment I received the other day by a woman who is in the midst of a friends with benefits situation with her ex,
This is the kind of crap that exes will pull all the time when they are in the midst of a FWB situation.
You see, often what ends up happening is the woman gets really upset because she is having sex with her ex without a relationship in place and she starts trying to push him to be in a relationship with her.
Now, is that exactly what’s happening in this example?
No, BUT at her core this woman definitely wants a relationship with her ex.
Here’s my point.
I have seen this situation copied about five hundred other times.
And they usually always end up the same way.
Friends with benefits leads to a woman wanting a relationship. As a result, she starts pushing for one and scares the man away in the process (like what’s happening in the example above.)
Do yourself a favor and NOT sleep with an ex before you get him back.
Quality #6: He Is A God
I know this may sound a little weird at first but bear with me here.
Men love to feel like gods.
We love to feel like we are admired by women.
And your ex boyfriend isn’t any different. Now, something tells me that right before your relationship ended with your ex you weren’t giving him too many compliments. Was that the reason that the two of you broke up.
No, but it could be contributing.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do to make a man fall for you is to find ways to make him feel like a superior specimen.
I have a perfect story to tell you.
Contrary to popular belief I was not always good at talking to women. In fact, it wasn’t until I was 18 that I got my first kiss and even then I was terrified of “how to kiss.”
Looking back it’s kind of hilarious to me how pathetic I was but for the 18 year old version of Chris Seiter, women were not a strong point. In fact, I remember being terrified of talking to any girl who I thought was pretty.
But I am getting off topic here.
I was 18 years old when I convinced a girl to go out with me and I will never forget the first time I actually felt wanted by a girl.
We were watching a movie at the local movie theater (a scary one.) Now, I typically hated watching scary movies because I always thought the plots were kind of dumb but that’s besides the point.
Eventually a really scary part of the movie came to pass and what’s the first thing my (then) girlfriend did?
She grabbed right on to my arm.
It made me feel…. good.
It made me feel like I was the protector.
It was an indirect way of her acknowledging that I was someone who she would trust enough to make her feel better.
Funny Off Topic Story: When I was 20 years old I went with my best friend, Wes, to watch a midnight showing of a scary movie.
Anyways, Wes happened to be sitting next to a couple of girls who he had never met before. Well, about an hour into the movie there was a part that made the girl next to him jump and she grabbed on to Wes’ arm very tightly. Once she realized that she had essentially grabbed on to a stranger’s arm she apologized to him very frantically, “I am so sorry.”
But that’s not the best part.
The best part of it was how much he bragged about it. How much he loved it.
Remember, men love to feel like they are kings and this girl made him feel like that.
Here is my point.
If you can find these clever little ways of making your ex boyfriend feel good like that then you are going to be in a very good position for making him raise his attractiveness level towards you.
Of course, you are probably sitting there wondering,
Well, what are some other examples of what I can do to make him feel good about himself?
Examples That You Can Use
- If you see a bug, like a cockroach, freak out (even if it doesn’t scare you) and run over to him and make him kill it. Remember, make him feel like a god.
- Maybe you are having trouble opening a jar…. PERFECT! All you have to do is get him to open it. (Psst… makes me feel like a god every time.)
- If he lifts something super heavy in front of you, you should exclaim, “Wow, you are so strong!”
What Research Says About Stroking A Man’s Ego
All of my research on compliments in relationships yielded similar results.
Compliments In Relationships = Good!
Yet I am more of a statistics person and wherever I looked I had trouble finding any studies done on this.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sure someone out there has done a study on this before but I just had trouble finding it.
Instead, I did find something equally interesting.
According to an article posted by Forbes, compliments is the social equivalent of receiving money.
What a great visual.
Imagine you had two men.
Now, let’s give man one a ton of money and let’s give man two no money,
Which man do you think is going to be happier?
Man one, right?
Well, according to the study posted on Forbes the brain looks at compliments as the social equivalent of receiving money. Therefore it makes sense that a man who receives a lot of compliments from a woman is going to be happier than a man who receives no compliments from a woman.
What I Have Seen With Regards To Compliments
And yet I would warn you to proceed with caution.
Well, women who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery are often to obsessed with their exes. Thus, they overdo it with the compliments to an almost uneasy level.
Compliments are great but can you imagine if you got fifty compliments a day. It could become old fast.
That’s why I often recommend that you pair this attraction principle with the push/pull theory.
If you remember my write up about push/pull you would remember that you push your ex away with something that makes him think that you aren’t as “into” him and then you pull him back in by doing something that makes him think that you are.
Well, compliments are a perfect way of doing that.