To be quite honest with you I can’t believe that I haven’t written a guide over this sooner.
So, how should I start this?
There’s a famous quote by Sherry Argov that goes,
Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and a woman isn’t.
As much as I hate to agree with a competitor, Argov has written many books helping the same women that I help, she speaks the truth with that quote.
This leads us to your current predicament.
You slept with your ex boyfriend and you are trying to figure out how in the world you are going to get him to commit to you.
Well, let me just tell you that you came to the right place!
Today I am going to give you a very long in-depth explanation of what you are going to have to do to successfully win him back if you slept with him.
Understanding Your Situation
I am going to be honest with you.
I struggled with coming up with a title for this section.
Initially I had written down,
But as more time went on I began to realize that, that may rub off on some people the wrong way. After all, it’s a bit too early in the article to start berating you for your decision.
I suppose by admitting that I just did berate you.
Ok, I’ll stop pulling punches to protect you.
By sleeping with your ex boyfriend you made a pretty big mistake.
I mean, there is a reason that one of the most asked questions I get is,
“Chris, I slept with my ex boyfriend and ever since that moment things have changed. He hardly ever talks to me anymore and when he does he is very distant.”
I suppose the best way for me to help you understand “Your Predicament” is to teach you how sex relates to chase theory.
(I talk about Chase Theory in my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
Sex, Men And Chase Theory
Have you ever heard my chase theory when it comes to men?
It basically goes like this,
Does that make any sense?
Ok, while no man will openly admit this most of us actually love the chase.
And the more time that we have invested into the chase the more likely our feelings are to grow for the person we are chasing.
Let me give you an example.
Lets pretend that Bob,
Has a MAJOR crush on Carla,
So he decides to make her his girlfriend.
Of course, all of his attempts to “chase” are turned down by Carla. But Bob isn’t one to give up very easily so he continues to chase. This dance of Carla rejecting and Bob chasing slowly but surely increase Carla’s attractiveness to Bob,
Pretty soon he gets what can only be described as “tunnel vision” where every girl he ever meets is always compared to the feelings he has for Carla and no girl ever measures up.
His entire life becomes about winning Carla’s affection.
This is chase theory in a nutshell.
Men want what they can’t have, remember?
This also leads us to your situation.
Chase theory for an ex girlfriend and an ex boyfriend is a bit different due to the fact that he has already gotten you. Instead, and I realize I am going to take some major heat for this, ex boyfriends have a tendency to chase something different…
Lets make another fun graphic to demonstrate this,
Now, are all ex boyfriends like this?
However, since this is an article about teaching women how to get an ex back if they slept with him I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you have a boyfriend who is like this.
I mean, he has already demonstrated that to be the case.
Now, one of two things is going to happen at this point.
- He is going to be satisfied since he caught what he was chasing and will not chase you anymore.
- He is going to be satisfied since he caught what he was chasing and will continue to chase but ONLY for sex.
Lets take a look at what runs through a mans mind in each of these situations.
He Will Be Satisfied That He Caught What He Was Chasing And Will Not Chase You Anymore
What happens when a man catches what he was chasing?
Well, then he won’t chase it anymore. He has already achieved his goal and in this case that goal is trying to have sex with you.
I hear about this one a lot from women who sometimes ask me,
So, we slept together and it was amazing! BUT ever since then he hasn’t called, texted or anything. And when I finally do get in touch with him he wants nothing to do with me. What do I do?
So, what is going through a mans mind to make him act this way?
Well, as much as I hate to say it, it looks like a man who acts in this way is purely motivated by sex and nothing else.
I know it sucks but those are the facts.
Some of my more avid followers will know that I am a big believer of actions as opposed to words and if your ex boyfriends actions always seem to lead back to sex then it would make sense that, that’s what he wants.
Think of Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother,
This guy is the definition of a player.
All he wants is sex.
For example, he learns these elaborate pickup routines to pick up girls and ends up sleeping with them.
After he is done sleeping with them he kicks them out of his house. If that doesn’t scream “All ABOUT SEX” I don’t know what will.
Granted, he is a hilarious TV character but if your ex boyfriend is a real life version of Barney Stinson then you would find yourself in this exact circumstance (where he would never call you.)
Lets move on to our next situation
He Will Be Satisfied That He Caught What He Was Chasing And Then Continue To Try To Get It
Three simple words sum up this situation perfectly.
Friends With Benefits
It’s almost every single mans dream. To have a friend (who is a girl) that he can use for sex when he wants and then ditch her when he wants and then use her for sex again.
But what goes through a mans mind to make him arrive here?
I mean, at one point you were in a committed relationship with this guy.
So, what happened?
Well, this may be hard for you to hear but if your ex boyfriend and you are in a FWB (friends with benefits) agreement with your ex then he has no intention of being your boyfriend again.
Lets look at the facts.
- You and your ex boyfriend broke up
- The two of you slept together after the breakup
- This lead him to continue to try to see you which always seemed to lead to sex
- The two of you probably haven’t classified your little arrangement as FWB yet
Now lets dissect the facts,
You And Your Ex Boyfriend Broke Up
This tells us that at some point your ex boyfriend came to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to be with you. Well, either that or that he agreed with your decision to break up with him.
The Two Of You Slept Together After The Breakup
Ah the chase…
Remember, if your ex boyfriend gets what he is chasing (sex) then it’s logical to think that he will either not chase anymore since he got what he want or he will continue to chase you until he gets it again.
Lets find out which one.
He Continues To Chase Sex From You
If your ex boyfriend chases you constantly for sex over and over again then you know that he made his decision as to if he will leave the chase or continue it to try to set up a friends with benefits type of situations.
Speaking of friends with benefits…
I Bet If You Are In A FWB Relationship The Two Of You Haven’t Classified It As One
You see, in the movies and TV there always seems to be this inevitable conversation where a couple, in agreement, decides to have a friends with benefits relationship.
Real life is much murkier though.
There is a negative stigma that surrounds friends with benefits because ultimately one person will always want more. Besides, I have yet to meet a girl that wants to be friends with benefits for the rest of her life. So, what ends up happening is that there is an unwritten agreement where two people embark on a FWB relationship without a conversation ever taking place.
This is quite common.
But what about the most important question.
How do you get out of a friends with benefits situation and get back into a committed relationship?
I suppose it starts with shifting your paradigm a bit and making some massive changes.
Lets talk about that for a second.
Big Change #1- No More Sex
This one is a no brainer.
From this point on you are not allowed to have sex with your ex boyfriend anymore.
Because you are trying to get your ex boyfriend used to a world where he has to work for the right to be intimate with you. Now, expect some push back from him immediately after you make this change.
From what I know about men we don’t like being told “no” when it comes to sex.
Oh, I also should mention that I am telling you this because he will probably disappear for a few weeks before popping up again.
Let me give you an example of what I mean by this.
Those of you who are familiar with this website know that I get a lot of comments.
Thousands upon thousands of people asking me questions about their particular situation. In fact, it became so overwhelming that I ended up writing a book to better answer their inquiries. Anyways, I remember receiving a private message after I had posted this podcast episode about sleeping with an ex.
The girl who private messaged me wanted to know what she had to do to get her ex back even though she was kind of in a friends with benefits situation.
I gave her really simple advice.
Cut him off from sex…
Ok, I might have been more specific than that.
I might have mentioned that she shouldn’t give him sex until he commits to her in a relationship.
So, after thinking about it for a few days the girl decided that she would try things my way.
So she did.
She informed her ex boyfriend that the two of them would no longer be sleeping together and that she was tired of being used for sex.
How do you think he took the news?
Are you crazy?
He went absolutely berserk.
In fact, I don’t think I can find a dictionary to cover all of the mean things that he called the girl.
Of course, after the “push back” the girl came back to yours truly to give me a piece of her mind.
“You ruined my life…”
“I should have never listened to your advice…”
“Now he will never take me back…”
I didn’t hear from her after that…
UNTIL about a month later.
(You can click to enlarge it.)
What’s the point of telling you this story?
I want you to go into this and realize that what I am proposing here is not going to be the most popular idea to your ex boyfriend BUT it is what you are going to have to do to give yourself the best shot at success.
Lets talk about the second big change that you are going to have to make.
Big Change #2- The “Main Prize” Awaits The Man Who Commits To You
What do you think I mean by “main prize?”
Is it some gigantic present that a man will receive when he commits to you?
Well, I suppose metaphorically it is.
In case you haven’t caught on yet the big prize is sex!
In fact, I briefly mentioned this “big change” of no sex until a commitment takes place in the section above when I was telling you that story about the push back from the girls ex boyfriend.
Now, why is it so important to cut off sex until a commitment occurs?
As I am about to explain men are very motivated by sex and we can use this to our advantage in a way by dangling sex in front of him to lead him to a commitment.
Perhaps I could explain this better.
Ok, you know the story of the pied piper, right?
Ok, time for a fairy tale!
So there was this magic pied piper who served as a rat catcher.
No… not like that.
He used his magic flute to lure rats away.
Anyways, there was this town, Hamelin, that had a severe rat problem so they decided to hire the piper to get the rats away.
He did but when it came time for the town to pay him for his services the town flat out refused.
How do you think the the pied piper reacted to this?
The answer is NOT WELL.
In fact, he decided that to get back at the town he was going to lure all the children away with his magic flute just like he did to the rats.
Now, why would I be telling you this story?
Because you are going to be a pied piper yourself by using sex to lure your ex boyfriend into a commitment.
(More on that later or if you want immediate gratification check out PRO as I talk about this there.)
Of course, in order for my little pied piper theory to work you can’t sleep with him until he commits.
Let me expand on my pied piper theory.
The Pied Piper Theory
I am going to throw some science at you here.
I am sure you have heard that stat where they say that,
Every seven seconds a man is thinking about sex.
So, here is my question to you,
Do you think it’s true?
Well, I AM a man and I can tell you that, that isn’t true.
However, what I can tell you about my kind is that we do think about sex, a lot. In fact, we think about it every day.
According to the Kinsey Report (Sexual Behavior In The Human Male) 54 percent of men think about sex every day or at least several times a week. Oh, and when you add in the fact that 43 percent of us admit to thinking about sex at least several times a week you have a lot of thoughts of sex.
This is where the pied piper theory comes into play.
We are going to use these thoughts of sex to our advantage by dangling the idea of sex in front of him and using it to get what you want, a commitment.
Now, I know what you are thinking,
“How the heck do I do that?”
Well, the first thing you have to do is NOT sleep with your ex boyfriend.
That’s the only way that this will work.
Next, you are going to have to learn to dangle the sex properly.
I often get this picture of a cat and a ball on a string.
You know what I am talking about, right?
How you can hold a ball on a string in front of a cat and the cat is constantly taking a swipe at it and then right before the swipe hits the ball you pull it away. The more you do this to your cat the more that the cat becomes invested and really wants that ball.
Do you see how this analogy works?
Ok, let me pull out my inner designer and create a fun little graphic for you,
You will notice that in this graphic you are the one dangling the ball (which represents sex) in front of your ex boyfriend (who is the cat.)
The idea here is that you are forcing your ex boyfriend to become more invested in trying to get you.
Ok, think back to what I was talking about with the pied piper and how he used his flute to get the rats and children away from the city.
Well, we are doing something similar here with your ex boyfriend except we have an end destination, a commitment.
Now, are we actually using a flute on your boyfriend?
However, our flute is going to be replaced by the ball on a string game that I was showing you above.
By doing this you are keeping your ex boyfriend engaged as you navigate the treacherous terrain to a commitment.
Here’s another fun graphic detailing this,
So, according to this graphic the most important thing that you need to accomplish is to hone your “ball on a string” since it is doubling for your “flute” and the flute is the most important thing for leading your boyfriend to a commitment.
Lets talk a little about that now.
Honing Your Flute (AKA The Ball On A String)
I want you to take a look at that graphic I created for you above where you are essentially dangling sex in front of your ex and waiting for him to take a swipe.
This skill is one of the hardest for women to wrap their minds around because they place such an emotional emphasis on sex.
What do I mean by that?
You want your ex boyfriend back more than anything in the world right now, right?
Well, you are at this website so I am assuming that you do.
When you are in a situation where you are trying to get him back and you are deciphering his every move which means that anything positive that he does that can lead to a commitment in the future is going to make you one happy gal.
So, if he does something on purpose just to get sex but you perceive it as him wanting a commitment while you are dangling sex in front of him.
Well, that’s when a lot of women break down and give in to their primal desires.
I guess what I am saying is that the temptation is there and it’s awfully easy to screw all of your progress up. So, half the battle is not giving in to your “want” to have sex with your ex.
No, as far as dangling it in front of him…
My personal belief is to let him bring it up first and work off of that.
We already know that sex is going to be on his brain and the chances that he will bring it up is going to be high due to the fact that he has recently slept with you.
I guess what I am saying is that him bringing up sex is the closest thing to a forgone conclusion that I can think of so just be patient and let it happen on it’s own.
Once it does happen…
Well, that’s when the fun begins.
So, rather than getting to into the specifics I think this would work better if I did a bit of role playing.
Does that sound like something you would be interested in?
Ok, I am done now…
Lets say that your ex boyfriend brings up sex to you in a text message,
(Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that I came out with a book that deals only in text messages and what to say to your ex boyfriend called The Texting Bible… Ok, pitch over.)
So you get a text message like this from your ex.
Well, now it’s time for you to flirt back.
Lets go with something simple like,
Now this is where things get graphic so I will spare you the specific details by censoring the text.
Hey, we are only PG:13 here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery,
Anyways, once you feel like you have your ex boyfriend fully engaged in the “sex conversation” you can consider him to be winding up for a swipe.
Now, when you think of the ball on a string game with a cat what happens when a cat starts to swipe at the ball?
You move the ball out of the way at the last second, right?
Well we are going to do the same thing here except we are going to do the texting version of this.
How do you do that?
Simple, you end the conversation.
Doing this consistently will more than suffice when it comes to your “flute” and leading your ex boyfriend down the path to a commitment.
Of course, I know that you still probably have a lot of questions about this process and how it works for other mediums of communication.
The same basic template always applies no matter what.
The Basic Template:
So, that means that if you are talking on the phone you move from step one to two to three.
Oh, and while it’s a bit trickier to do in person it’s very possible and the results you get from doing this in person are AWESOME!
Trust me, just stick to this template and you will be able to captivate your ex all the way to a relationship.
Now, there is one last thing I would like to talk to you about, the big picture of how this leads to a commitment.
How This Leads To A Commitment
I don’t know if you heard the good news but Father Chris,
(That was supposed to be a picture of father time but I couldn’t really find a great one.)
Anyways, the good news is that “Father Chris” is actually a Daddy!
Yup, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 11:16 AM on September 4th.
Here is a picture since I know that’s a big deal to you women,
Now, while I wouldn’t consider myself to be an “expert dad” the first month of having a child has taught me a lot.
First, sleep is a luxury.
Second, babies cry…. a lot.
Third, I think the reason so many parents love their little babies so much is due to the fact that they invest so much into them.
Think about it, my wife and I love our little girl so much and this is compounded by the fact that we pretty much spend our every waking moment tending to our needs.
The more time we invest in something the more we become addicted to it and ultimately love it.
The Pied Piper Theory utilizes this thinking as this ball on a string game forces your ex boyfriend to invest time with you which ultimate leads to a commitment.
While it won’t happen overnight it will happen at some point if you keep at it.