To be quite honest with you I can’t believe that I haven’t written a guide over this sooner.

I mean, I do touch on this topic in my books, PRO and The Texting Bible and I have even recorded a podcast over the topic but that’s not the same as writing one of my world famous guides.

So, how should I start this?

Hmm…

There’s a famous quote by Sherry Argov that goes,

Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and a woman isn’t.

As much as I hate to agree with a competitor, Argov has written many books helping the same women that I help, she speaks the truth with that quote.

This leads us to your current predicament.

You slept with your ex boyfriend and you are trying to figure out how in the world you are going to get him to commit to you.

Well, let me just tell you that you came to the right place!

Today I am going to give you a very long in-depth explanation of what you are going to have to do to successfully win him back if you slept with him.

Lets go!

Understanding Your Situation

understand

I am going to be honest with you.

I struggled with coming up with a title for this section.

Initially I had written down,

“Your Mistake…”

But as more time went on I began to realize that, that may rub off on some people the wrong way. After all, it’s a bit too early in the article to start berating you for your decision.

……

Oopps…

I suppose by admitting that I just did berate you.

Ok, I’ll stop pulling punches to protect you.

By sleeping with your ex boyfriend you made a pretty big mistake.

I mean, there is a reason that one of the most asked questions I get is,

“Chris, I slept with my ex boyfriend and ever since that moment things have changed. He hardly ever talks to me anymore and when he does he is very distant.”

I suppose the best way for me to help you understand “Your Predicament” is to teach you how sex relates to chase theory.

(I talk about Chase Theory in my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)

Sex, Men And Chase Theory

Have you ever heard my chase theory when it comes to men?

It basically goes like this,

chase theory

Does that make any sense?

No?

Ok, while no man will openly admit this most of us actually love the chase.

And the more time that we have invested into the chase the more likely our feelings are to grow for the person we are chasing.

Let me give you an example.

Lets pretend that Bob,

man chasing

Has a MAJOR crush on Carla,

woman

So he decides to make her his girlfriend.

Of course, all of his attempts to “chase” are turned down by Carla. But Bob isn’t one to give up very easily so he continues to chase. This dance of Carla rejecting and Bob chasing slowly but surely increase Carla’s attractiveness to Bob,

carlas attractiveness

Pretty soon he gets what can only be described as “tunnel vision” where every girl he ever meets is always compared to the feelings he has for Carla and no girl ever measures up.

His entire life becomes about winning Carla’s affection.

This is chase theory in a nutshell.

Men want what they can’t have, remember?

This also leads us to your situation.

Chase theory for an ex girlfriend and an ex boyfriend is a bit different due to the fact that he has already gotten you. Instead, and I realize I am going to take some major heat for this, ex boyfriends have a tendency to chase something different…

Sex.

Lets make another fun graphic to demonstrate this,

chase theory

Now, are all ex boyfriends like this?

No.

However, since this is an article about teaching women how to get an ex back if they slept with him I am going to go out on a limb here and say that you have a boyfriend who is like this.

I mean, he has already demonstrated that to be the case.

Now, one of two things is going to happen at this point.

  1. He is going to be satisfied since he caught what he was chasing and will not chase you anymore.
  2. He is going to be satisfied since he caught what he was chasing and will continue to chase but ONLY for sex.

Lets take a look at what runs through a mans mind in each of these situations.

He Will Be Satisfied That He Caught What He Was Chasing And Will Not Chase You Anymore

go away

What happens when a man catches what he was chasing?

Well, then he won’t chase it anymore. He has already achieved his goal and in this case that goal is trying to have sex with you.

I hear about this one a lot from women who sometimes ask me,

So, we slept together and it was amazing! BUT ever since then he hasn’t called, texted or anything. And when I finally do get in touch with him he wants nothing to do with me. What do I do?

So, what is going through a mans mind to make him act this way?

Well, as much as I hate to say it, it looks like a man who acts in this way is purely motivated by sex and nothing else.

Boooo!!!

Boooo!!!

I know it sucks but those are the facts.

Some of my more avid followers will know that I am a big believer of actions as opposed to words and if your ex boyfriends actions always seem to lead back to sex then it would make sense that, that’s what he wants.

Think of Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother,

Barney Stinson

This guy is the definition of a player.

All he wants is sex.

For example, he learns these elaborate pickup routines to pick up girls and ends up sleeping with them.

After he is done sleeping with them he kicks them out of his house. If that doesn’t scream “All ABOUT SEX” I don’t know what will.

Granted, he is a hilarious TV character but if your ex boyfriend is a real life version of Barney Stinson then you would find yourself in this exact circumstance (where he would never call you.)

Lets move on to our next situation

He Will Be Satisfied That He Caught What He Was Chasing And Then Continue To Try To Get It

want it meme

Three words…

Three simple words sum up this situation perfectly.

Friends With Benefits

It’s almost every single mans dream. To have a friend (who is a girl) that he can use for sex when he wants and then ditch her when he wants and then use her for sex again.

But what goes through a mans mind to make him arrive here?

I mean, at one point you were in a committed relationship with this guy.

So, what happened?

Well, this may be hard for you to hear but if your ex boyfriend and you are in a FWB (friends with benefits) agreement with your ex then he has no intention of being your boyfriend again.

Lets look at the facts.

The Facts

  • You and your ex boyfriend broke up
  • The two of you slept together after the breakup
  • This lead him to continue to try to see you which always seemed to lead to sex
  • The two of you probably haven’t classified your little arrangement as FWB yet

Now lets dissect the facts,

You And Your Ex Boyfriend Broke Up

This tells us that at some point your ex boyfriend came to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to be with you. Well, either that or that he agreed with your decision to break up with him.

The Two Of You Slept Together After The Breakup

Ah the chase…

Remember, if your ex boyfriend gets what he is chasing (sex) then it’s logical to think that he will either not chase anymore since he got what he want or he will continue to chase you until he gets it again.

Lets find out which one.

He Continues To Chase Sex From You

If your ex boyfriend chases you constantly for sex over and over again then you know that he made his decision as to if he will leave the chase or continue it to try to set up a friends with benefits type of situations.

Speaking of friends with benefits…

I Bet If You Are In A FWB Relationship The Two Of You Haven’t Classified It As One

You see, in the movies and TV there always seems to be this inevitable conversation where a couple, in agreement, decides to have a friends with benefits relationship.

Real life is much murkier though.

There is a negative stigma that surrounds friends with benefits because ultimately one person will always want more. Besides, I have yet to meet a girl that wants to be friends with benefits for the rest of her life. So, what ends up happening is that there is an unwritten agreement where two people embark on a FWB relationship without a conversation ever taking place.

This is quite common.

But what about the most important question.

How do you get out of a friends with benefits situation and get back into a committed relationship?

Good question.

I suppose it starts with shifting your paradigm a bit and making some massive changes.

Lets talk about that for a second.

Big Change #1- No More Sex

no sex for you

This one is a no brainer.

From this point on you are not allowed to have sex with your ex boyfriend anymore.

Why?

Because you are trying to get your ex boyfriend used to a world where he has to work for the right to be intimate with you. Now, expect some push back from him immediately after you make this change.

From what I know about men we don’t like being told “no” when it comes to sex.

Oh, I also should mention that I am telling you this because he will probably disappear for a few weeks before popping up again.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by this.

Those of you who are familiar with this website know that I get a lot of comments.

Thousands upon thousands of people asking me questions about their particular situation. In fact, it became so overwhelming that I ended up writing a book to better answer their inquiries. Anyways, I remember receiving a private message after I had posted this podcast episode about sleeping with an ex.

The girl who private messaged me wanted to know what she had to do to get her ex back even though she was kind of in a friends with benefits situation.

I gave her really simple advice.

Cut him off from sex…

Ok, I might have been more specific than that.

I might have mentioned that she shouldn’t give him sex until he commits to her in a relationship.

So, after thinking about it for a few days the girl decided that she would try things my way.

So she did.

She informed her ex boyfriend that the two of them would no longer be sleeping together and that she was tired of being used for sex.

How do you think he took the news?

thiknking face

Are you crazy?

NO…

He went absolutely berserk.

In fact, I don’t think I can find a dictionary to cover all of the mean things that he called the girl.

Of course, after the “push back” the girl came back to yours truly to give me a piece of her mind.

“You ruined my life…”

“I should have never listened to your advice…”

“Now he will never take me back…”

I didn’t hear from her after that…

UNTIL about a month later.

Screen Shot 2015-04-27 at 6.26.42 PM

(You can click to enlarge it.)

What’s the point of telling you this story?

I want you to go into this and realize that what I am proposing here is not going to be the most popular idea to your ex boyfriend BUT it is what you are going to have to do to give yourself the best shot at success.

Lets talk about the second big change that you are going to have to make.

Big Change #2- The “Main Prize” Awaits The Man Who Commits To You

commitment dog

What do you think I mean by “main prize?”

Is it some gigantic present that a man will receive when he commits to you?

gigantic present

Well, I suppose metaphorically it is.

In case you haven’t caught on yet the big prize is sex!

In fact, I briefly mentioned this “big change” of no sex until a commitment takes place in the section above when I was telling you that story about the push back from the girls ex boyfriend.

Now, why is it so important to cut off sex until a commitment occurs?

As I am about to explain men are very motivated by sex and we can use this to our advantage in a way by dangling sex in front of him to lead him to a commitment.

Hmm…

Perhaps I could explain this better.

Ok, you know the story of the pied piper, right?

Ok, time for a fairy tale!

So there was this magic pied piper who served as a rat catcher.

exterminator

No… not like that.

He used his magic flute to lure rats away.

pied piper rats

Anyways, there was this town, Hamelin, that had a severe rat problem so they decided to hire the piper to get the rats away.

He did but when it came time for the town to pay him for his services the town flat out refused.

How do you think the the pied piper reacted to this?

The answer is NOT WELL.

In fact, he decided that to get back at the town he was going to lure all the children away with his magic flute just like he did to the rats.

pied piper children

Now, why would I be telling you this story?

Because you are going to be a pied piper yourself by using sex to lure your ex boyfriend into a commitment.

(More on that later or if you want immediate gratification check out PRO as I talk about this there.)

Of course, in order for my little pied piper theory to work you can’t sleep with him until he commits.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Let me expand on my pied piper theory.

Get the Fairy Tale Feeling Back Again With Our Step By Step Guide To Getting Your Ex Back

Learn More

The Pied Piper Theory

pied piper

I am going to throw some science at you here.

I am sure you have heard that stat where they say that,

Every seven seconds a man is thinking about sex.

So, here is my question to you,

Do you think it’s true?

Well, I AM a man and I can tell you that, that isn’t true.

However, what I can tell you about my kind is that we do think about sex, a lot. In fact, we think about it every day.

According to the Kinsey Report (Sexual Behavior In The Human Male) 54 percent of men think about sex every day or at least several times a week. Oh, and when you add in the fact that 43 percent of us admit to thinking about sex at least several times a week you have a lot of thoughts of sex.

This is where the pied piper theory comes into play.

We are going to use these thoughts of sex to our advantage by dangling the idea of sex in front of him and using it to get what you want, a commitment.

Now, I know what you are thinking,

“How the heck do I do that?”

Well, the first thing you have to do is NOT sleep with your ex boyfriend.

That’s the only way that this will work.

Next, you are going to have to learn to dangle the sex properly.

I often get this picture of a cat and a ball on a string.

You know what I am talking about, right?

How you can hold a ball on a string in front of a cat and the cat is constantly taking a swipe at it and then right before the swipe hits the ball you pull it away. The more you do this to your cat the more that the cat becomes invested and really wants that ball.

Do you see how this analogy works?

No?

Ok, let me pull out my inner designer and create a fun little graphic for you,

ball on a string game with cat

You will notice that in this graphic you are the one dangling the ball (which represents sex) in front of your ex boyfriend (who is the cat.)

The idea here is that you are forcing your ex boyfriend to become more invested in trying to get you.

Still confused?

Hmm…

Ok, think back to what I was talking about with the pied piper and how he used his flute to get the rats and children away from the city.

Well, we are doing something similar here with your ex boyfriend except we have an end destination, a commitment.

Now, are we actually using a flute on your boyfriend?

No.

However, our flute is going to be replaced by the ball on a string game that I was showing you above.

By doing this you are keeping your ex boyfriend engaged as you navigate the treacherous terrain to a commitment.

Here’s another fun graphic detailing this,

pied piper rats

So, according to this graphic the most important thing that you need to accomplish is to hone your “ball on a string” since it is doubling for your “flute” and the flute is the most important thing for leading your boyfriend to a commitment.

Lets talk a little about that now.

Honing Your Flute (AKA The Ball On A String)

flutes section

I want you to take a look at that graphic I created for you above where you are essentially dangling sex in front of your ex and waiting for him to take a swipe.

This skill is one of the hardest for women to wrap their minds around because they place such an emotional emphasis on sex.

What do I mean by that?

You want your ex boyfriend back more than anything in the world right now, right?

Well, you are at this website so I am assuming that you do.

When you are in a situation where you are trying to get him back and you are deciphering his every move which means that anything positive that he does that can lead to a commitment in the future is going to make you one happy gal.

So, if he does something on purpose just to get sex but you perceive it as him wanting a commitment while you are dangling sex in front of him.

Well, that’s when a lot of women break down and give in to their primal desires.

I guess what I am saying is that the temptation is there and it’s awfully easy to screw all of your progress up. So, half the battle is not giving in to your “want” to have sex with your ex.

No, as far as dangling it in front of him…

My personal belief is to let him bring it up first and work off of that.

We already know that sex is going to be on his brain and the chances that he will bring it up is going to be high due to the fact that he has recently slept with you.

I guess what I am saying is that him bringing up sex is the closest thing to a forgone conclusion that I can think of so just be patient and let it happen on it’s own.

Once it does happen…

Well, that’s when the fun begins.

So, rather than getting to into the specifics I think this would work better if I did a bit of role playing.

Does that sound like something you would be interested in?

Yes?

No?

Maybe?

So?

Ok, I am done now…

Lets say that your ex boyfriend brings up sex to you in a text message,

what we did

(Perhaps now would be a good time to mention that I came out with a book that deals only in text messages and what to say to your ex boyfriend called The Texting Bible… Ok, pitch over.)

So you get a text message like this from your ex.

What now?

Well, now it’s time for you to flirt back.

Lets go with something simple like,

tell me more

Now this is where things get graphic so I will spare you the specific details by censoring the text.

Hey, we are only PG:13 here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery,

censored

Anyways, once you feel like you have your ex boyfriend fully engaged in the “sex conversation” you can consider him to be winding up for a swipe.

Now, when you think of the ball on a string game with a cat what happens when a cat starts to swipe at the ball?

You move the ball out of the way at the last second, right?

Well we are going to do the same thing here except we are going to do the texting version of this.

How do you do that?

Simple, you end the conversation.

rain check

Doing this consistently will more than suffice when it comes to your “flute” and leading your ex boyfriend down the path to a commitment.

Of course, I know that you still probably have a lot of questions about this process and how it works for other mediums of communication.

The same basic template always applies no matter what.

The Basic Template:

template

So, that means that if you are talking on the phone you move from step one to two to three.

Oh, and while it’s a bit trickier to do in person it’s very possible and the results you get from doing this in person are AWESOME!

Trust me, just stick to this template and you will be able to captivate your ex all the way to a relationship.

Now, there is one last thing I would like to talk to you about, the big picture of how this leads to a commitment.

How This Leads To A Commitment

I don’t know if you heard the good news but Father Chris,

father chris

(That was supposed to be a picture of father time but I couldn’t really find a great one.)

Anyways, the good news is that “Father Chris” is actually a Daddy!

Yup, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 11:16 AM on September 4th.

Here is a picture since I know that’s a big deal to you women,

father chris & baby

Now, while I wouldn’t consider myself to be an “expert dad” the first month of having a child has taught me a lot.

First, sleep is a luxury.

Second, babies cry…. a lot.

Third, I think the reason so many parents love their little babies so much is due to the fact that they invest so much into them.

Think about it, my wife and I love our little girl so much and this is compounded by the fact that we pretty much spend our every waking moment tending to our needs.

The more time we invest in something the more we become addicted to it and ultimately love it.

The Pied Piper Theory utilizes this thinking as this ball on a string game forces your ex boyfriend to invest time with you which ultimate leads to a commitment.

While it won’t happen overnight it will happen at some point if you keep at it.

509 thoughts on “How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back If You Slept With Him”

  1. Avatar

    Esther Karimi

    January 11, 2020 at 11:38 am

    Dr Chris. You happen to share the same name with my ex. I was in a situationship with him for 3 years. At the end of 2018, I cut off all contact with him. I happened to text him back 2 weeks ago when I was lonely. We met up yesterday had some drinks and I found myself sleeping with him again. After the sex, I told him I would no lomger sleep with him since my feelings for him are coming back and he doesnt want a commitment but we could remain friends. What surprised me was that when I met him he tagged along his friends yet we hadn’t seen each other in a year. I slept with him then went home. What also hurt me was the fact that he didn’t call or text to ask if I reached home safely . He also cropped out a photo we had taken with him and his friends and left the one that I wasn’t in. I feel so down, I honestly dont know what to do

  2. Avatar

    Ari

    December 22, 2019 at 7:58 pm

    Hey Chris i REALLY need help! So i was dating my ex for 6 months and it has been 6 months since the break up. I decided to break up with him and after my decision i begged to take me back and he said no. I went completely no contact for 3 months . We didn’t speak all summer and i saw him a couple of times. Around September he texted me to see how i am doing if i take care of myself and if i need something he is there for me, somehow we started talking again and as time went by we were texting every day, he always initiates first the conversation and calls me things like love, baby, sweet etc. he was flirting with me and when we talked on campus he kissed me. When I asked him why he said he missed me and he thought i was sad so why not. I thought he wanted me again and when i talked to him about the relationship he said he doesn’t want one because the first time we tried it didn’t end well, and we don’t want the same things and he is not looking for a relationship right now. The thing is that he has said he loves me 5 times and cares about me, he finds me attractive and likes the fact i am so insistent but he doesn’t love me as his girlfriend anymore. We are in a FWB situation (we just make out). But i want him to commit. I was his first and only commited relationship. I think he is afraid to commit now. We haven’t been to an actual date yet and we meet each other in campus. He says he has usually time but i see him doing all these things with his friends. He really keeps us low-key. He is a nice guy and when we were together he was fully in love with me. I think he is using me now and he somehow he admitted it and said is not a bad thing i am afraid he have taken me for granted. When i told him i don’t like the fact that we never go out he playfully says but we are not tougher right? I don’t know what to do! What is your suggestion?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2019 at 7:20 pm

      Hi Ari, so I would suggest that you tell him you do not want to fool around etc any more that you want to be official as you want a boyfriend not a friend. If he is not willing to give you that then you need to stop making out with him and look like you are moving on starting with a no contact. IF you are not sleeping with him, is he dating other people? I would suggest dating casually to show that you are actively looking for someone to be with in a relationship.

  3. Avatar

    Leila

    November 24, 2019 at 6:15 am

    Thanks Shaunna.
    I already decided not to sleep with him. My question is about how to do that.. we usually speak very straightforward to each other, and don’t play games. Should I tell him that sleeping with him was not a good idea, and I will not do that again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:19 pm

      Hi Leila, so if he is going to come to you for sex again, wait until it is at the point where you know thats what he wants and explain that you are not willing ot sleep with him again out of a relationship because you dont want to be in that situation with someone.

  4. Avatar

    Leila

    November 23, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Thanks for the great article. Here is my situation: we broke up 4 months ago, I did NC for about 2 months, I initiated contact afterwards. I always receive positive answers, but he very rarely initiates contact. Today we slept together. After reading your article I decided not to sleep with him again. My question: Do I tell him that I don’t want to have sex again, because it confuses me and I want to protect myself. Or do I act uninterested or do I make excuses? Changing the subject when it comes up would only help me for a very limited time.
    Thank you very much.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:10 pm

      Hey Leila, while you are not in a relationship do not have sex with him, you do not give him boyfriend privileges without being a boyfriend. You need to reattract him but you also need to make it clear where your boundaries are, when you sleep with an ex without commitment you are setting a line that you are willing to cross and they wont feel the need to make you their girlfriend again

  5. Avatar

    Adriana

    October 19, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    Hi chris,
    So me and my ex boyfriend have been broken up for about 6 months now we met up about 2 months into the break up and then realized we still needed more time and took another 4 months off. We ended up meeting recently and we clipped have a great conversation had a great night one thing led to another and I didn’t leave until the next morning. Mistake I know but we have such great chemistry. We talked a bit that next day and he messaged me only once the following just to say, “hope work was good and have fun and that he was off to his kids football game” then nothing. So into the day after that and nothing. I really want to spend more time with him and you could feel it felt right when we caught up but I dont want to overwhelm or push him as I know hes a single dad 2 kids and a busy work life so I’m not reaching out after i responded to that very last text of “hope work was good…” but i want him back and to be in each others lives again and it’s hard for me not to reach out and text him but i know that maybe isnt smart. But can you please help me? I just dont know what to do from here? Text…dont text… give it time space etc what he may be feeling as it’s hard for me to wrap my head around the amazing night we had and not have the urge to be more or wanting to be more involved. Because that’s how I feel. But I’m single and he single but with kids and a crazy work life so its different. I just want to know what to do from here and maybe what he might be feeling? So I can understand.
    Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 8:32 am

      Hi Adriana, so if you want him back you need to not sleep with him again – not until you’re “official” anyway. I would reach out as there is no negative feelings after your interaction…

      As you’ve said hes a single dad of two and works, so he probably doesn’t rest until gone 10pm (speaking from experience) by that time he may not reach out because its late. So initiate, be friendly and dont put pressure on response time – even if it takes all day to have 3/4 message exchange its still something. Building up the attraction and rapport between you is key where you DO NOT HAVE SEX just get him back emotionally first.

  6. Avatar

    Nora

    June 20, 2019 at 2:51 pm

    Dear Chris,

    Thanks for all the help you provide for us. I’m grateful. So my ex bf broke up with me almost four months ago due to GIGS. He said everything was good with me but he couldn’t stop thinking about getting to know more girls and date more before settle down. We haven’t contacted each other for a month and then I followed your program and we started going on small dates and everything was fine. I could tell he’s still attracted to me and he talked about good old times and even showed a little regret by talking about what ifs. But we slept together last week and he didn’t contact me the whole week. The sex was just okay because I couldn’t feel the emotional intimacy anymore and I felt awful after that. He just texted me that he wanted to “talk with me about whatever and whatnot.” And I’m wondering what he wants to talk about and what kind of vibe should I give off while talking to him. Should I tell him it was a big mistake? What if he asked me how I feel about him now? Should I tell him honestly I still want him back? And should I tell him I didn’t like the sex that much because of the lack of intimacy? He’s the kind of guy that asks lots of questions so I’m freaking out a bit. Thanks for your help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 20, 2019 at 10:07 pm

      Don’t freak out Nora. It going to be OK. Just be calm and kind and honest. If he is not receptive to your replies or overwhelms you with too many questions or emotions, then just tell him you are feeling upset inside and need some alone time, ending the conversation. I would recommend you pick up my Program, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro Bundle” to help your through this whole process.

  7. Avatar

    Sarah

    June 17, 2019 at 1:47 pm

    Hi I would like to know how often this leads to success? Or does the guy just get bored and look somewhere else? What percentage of success am I looking at here ? Thanks

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 17, 2019 at 3:12 pm

      Hi Sarah..great question. I did a study on this – actually wrote an article on the site – and of course the success of an average ex recovery plan is predicated on many factors but if you are looking for an average we are talking about 55%, more or less. I would like to think that my Program increases those probabilities.

  8. Avatar

    Kacey

    June 9, 2019 at 11:15 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I followed your no contact period (for 1 month) and I ended up going on a major trip to a developing country. When I got back, no contact was over and I reached out to him. I had got him a small present from my trip and he agreed to meet. I made a mistake and slept with him. The thing is that he had blocked me before the no contact period. But when I called him today I called from my new phone, so I got through. Anyway, he told me today it was more painful to block me because I didn’t respect past boundaries, than it was for me being blocked. I told him I will listen to his boundaries now and then we slept together but I’m not sure what to do now. He said he thinks things were too broken but said “we’ll see” about things. But that he doesn’t know what he needs from me and doesn’t know if he can ever trust me again (I cheated on him a long time ago.) But yet we ended with that he finally felt relaxed and happy again with me today. What’s the next best step?

  9. Avatar

    Sarah

    June 8, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    Hi after a month of NC my ex contacted me first and we went for a walk.We have been here twice before and we ended up having sex.The last 2 times this has started us being on again and all good,we have been together for 6 years.This time he then didn’t contact me for 5 days ..no WhatsApp msg at all …which is not like him at all.So today I have followed your advice of engaging with sex talk then saying I had to go out and ending the conversation. What I’m wondering is how do you continue doing this but making clear I’m not interested in being used for sex? Advice pls

  10. Avatar

    Effie

    May 20, 2019 at 3:47 am

    Hi! I had a relationship with a guy and I got pregnant. He didnt want the baby but now he wants to spend time with his son and I let him do that. After the baby was born he got back in our lives but with me it was only physical, although I had strong feelings about him. He also decided last summer that he doesnt want a physical relationship with me. So far so good. We are 40 years old. A week ago he asked me out to talk about baby stuff… and we ended in my bed. He also memtioned that he wanted sex and that it didnt mean anything else. Once again I felt lonely and manipulated. I said nothing to him. One week later he calls me to have sex again. But I said no. Because for me its all or nothing. I dont want to have a sexual relationship that leads nowhere. I want a family for my kid too. Next time he asks me for physical connexion I ll make it clear to him. I dont want to get back to past situation that hurt my feelings. I have emotional needs too and I want a stable relationship with commitment. And as long as he decided that he wants to be dad with benefits I cannot deal with that. I want it all…or he can only be a father to his son. Whats your opinion?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 20, 2019 at 2:52 pm

      Hi Effie…so yes, you should stick to your guns. You deserve everything that comes with a fully committed relationship. If he does’t eventually come around to being that man for you, then there are other paths…other options.

  11. Avatar

    Ro

    May 7, 2019 at 4:57 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Thanks for writing this article it really helped put some things into perspective for me.
    My ex of 6yrs broke up with me about 8months ago. It was amicable, and looking back, needed. Two weeks after we broke up we both adopted no contact and did not speak to or see each other, AT ALL. Very recently the communication chain opened up a little and I ended up going over to his place. We talked for 3hrs about life and what we have been doing and where we were in the break up process. I have processed and dealt with my feelings a lot more than he has and would say that I’m in a much better place than him, even though I was broken up with. He’s extremely avoidant when it comes to emotional growth and dealing with his feelings.
    It was a good and productive conversation but at the end of it we hooked up. I believe it was more of a physical encounter than an emotional one as neither of us have seen anyone else during this time. But he mentioned being nervous about this regressing the progress we both have made.
    Not too much was said afterwards as someone came to his house and I left pretty quickly, but later that night he texted me and said “After some consideration today was good. I think?”.
    I know for me, it actually helped me realized that I’m a lot farther along in the moving on process than I thought; but I worry that it may have effected him more than he’s willing to admit.
    We didn’t really establish where to go from here so now I feel like we’re back in this no-contact limbo which I really don’t like. I don’t think we should sleep together again, or even get back together, but I do still care about him and wish we could actually have a friendship.

    Would you advise that I give him space and don’t reach out again until he contacts me, or should I sit him down and explain that, that was a one time thing and I’d rather us just try to be friends and move on?

    Thanks for your help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 7, 2019 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Ro….I am glad the article helped open your eyes to some things. I do think give him space can be beneficial for you both as your thoughts around this topic will likely crystallize in the future with greater perspective.

  12. Avatar

    Shelley Anne

    April 24, 2019 at 5:55 am

    Hi Chris,

    My question is…does this all still apply if I’m the one who broke up with HIM? I broke up with him, did the no contact and then we slept together. Now, he texts me a lot about coming over.

    Thanks!

    Shelley

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 25, 2019 at 12:30 am

      So things can get a bit confusing when the breakup period gets mixed in with sleeping with your ex. But that is not rare at all. So just think in terms of little steps. Try to build positive experiences with each other, not just the sex part of course.

  13. Avatar

    Lily

    April 17, 2019 at 2:40 am

    Hi Chris,
    Good thing I found your article and have the chance to share my situation hope you don’t mind giving me some advice then.
    The thing is this article is some kinda similar to my situation the difference is that my ex who is now my friend with benefits and we are sexually active when he’s in my place. Is that he have a girl (chat mate to be exact) so they haven’t met yet. That’s why we keep seeing each other for the time being. It makes me jealous and angry as when he’s not up to sex he wouldn’t contact me, and I keep on messaging him which he obviously ignore all the time. He said he have plans of having a serious relationship with someone (that hurt, yeah i know).
    Reading your advice makes me wonder if this could be effective of letting stop the sex and later on he will chase me.

    Thank you.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 17, 2019 at 2:07 pm

      Hi Lily…I hope the article helped! I think expressing your expectations for the future and what you would like to see in the relationship may be best now and that may mean going thru a period of No Contact if he is not ready to work towards that.

  14. Avatar

    Mille

    February 3, 2019 at 4:37 pm

    Hi Chris. I’ve been in the most complicated relationship, literally. My ex bf happens to be the father of my 11 y/o son. We have been through worst since he had chose to have a relationship with someone else and chose not be with me either. Then the problem is this, we already talked about that we should not be in a FWB since we both are a Christian as well. And should not be living in compromise. From living together, I decided to moved out last 2017, to stop all the unnecessary things happening. APPLY NC and MC, so somehow effective but then still end to this scenario. Yet till this year we still ‘sometime’ end up having sex. In the beginning of your article you have stated that “before sex, man can’t thing straight while woman does, but after sex women can no longer think straight while man does” and that is what I literally feeling right now. Now my concern would be this, is it possible to make him desire to commit to me and him choose to fix our family? Since I am now sure he loves me (and also love his gf) thats why he keeps coming back. Advice me.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      February 4, 2019 at 3:54 am

      Hey MIlle!

      I does sound complicated. Are you following my Program at this stage?

  15. Avatar

    Liv

    January 15, 2019 at 5:36 pm

    Hi Chris! Big fan of your site but need a bit of advice.

    I was dating my now ex for almost 7 months, and we broke up in december. His reasons for ending it was work, as he needs to work alot to sort himself out financially. (He had been pretty depressed about his financial issues for a while) I believe this to be true as he is at work pretty much 24/7. When we broke up he was upset as he deep down he didn’t want to do it, but he felt he has to, and he comforted me as I was crying etc. So he isn’t a ‘bad’ guy. He also said at the time he didn’t want to fall out with me as he would like there to be an ‘us’ once he’s sorted himself out.
    Now this is where I’m confused. I’ve done NC and now we are talking. He tells me he misses me etc, we’ve had sex, but he still isn’t in a position to be with me as he doesn’t feel it’s fair on me as he would hardly see me. And I don’t know what to do. I love him but do I even stand a chance of getting him back? Is having to ‘focus on himself and work’ a valid excuse for leaving me in the first place? Do I need to stop sleeping with him and do NC again? I don’t know whether I should just give up 🙁 Just to add, we had a very good relationship, no arguing or anything.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 15, 2019 at 11:05 pm

      Hi Liv!

      Thanks for visiting my website and being such a big fan! So if things have not been improving based on your past tactics, then a change of strategy is in order and NC is an option.

  16. Avatar

    Maxi

    January 6, 2019 at 5:16 pm

    Dear Chris,
    I value your work and opinion very much – and so I am writing to ask for your professional advice.
    My boyfriend and I broke up in summer after 4 year-relationship. We lived together, had a cat, we were so much in love, our families knew each other well, his family loved me. But for the last 6 months we ended up fighting etc. He went for a holiday alone with his best friend leaving me at home in a bad health condition – so I told him to move out: and he did. Later on I begged and cried for him to come back, I tried very hard to make him come back to me. We haven’t spoken a lot during that time, then after two weeks of silence I initiated contact and he told me to move on. Since then we haven’t spoken to each other for 3 months, then I initiated contact. We’ve met three times so far. First meeting was just a coffee during which I tried not to cross the “friends” boundaries. Then he wrote me a message in which he showed his enthusiasm for me “moving on” (I pretended to be so, I played very optimistic, over him, very changed etc.) and he wished me the best. As I wanted to get him back though – I suggested another meeting and I took him for a romantic dinner. During that meeting we kissed and expressed a will to sleep with each other. He wanted to know that this would be only one-time thing. I first agreed, then disagreed because I wanted a commitment. As soon as he heared I wanted something more he backed out and said he wants us to be just friends. But then I agreed to sleep with him for the last time, as a “goodbye” – it was a decision I thought would make him stay. And so our last meeting was arranged just for sex. During that meeting I asked him to stay open, not to put any ideas about us down. He told me he “doesn’t know”, but he thinks it’s not the best idea to try anything together as far as for now. So we parted in the “I don’t know, let’s see what happens next” mood. He texted me the same evening saying how much he enjoyed everything we had, telling me compliments and referring to the night spent together. I ignored his suggestions and wished him goodnight in a “friend zone” style. Then the next day I texted him to clarify our mutual problem with some shopping we had when we were together, he answered, the talk was just so official. I ended it with not replying to his last text (that wasn’t even a question by the way). Since then – total silence. It’s been 3 or 4 days without contact. I am constantly crying, making an effort not to think about him. I can’t sleep or eat. I still love him more than anything and I want him back. But I already feel like I did enough. What is your advice? Is there any chance he will ever come back into my loving arms? Cheers xx

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 6, 2019 at 7:31 pm

      Hi Maxi…there are things you can do to better your situation on the healing side. I wrote about a lot of them in my eBook “The No Contact Rule Book” (245 pages). Also tap into all the resources on my website. It’s best to have a plan going forward, not just for your own healing, but things you can do to improve your chances of repairing the relationship if that is to be. But first, its all about you and your recovery and I think No Contact may be the way forward for you.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 6, 2019 at 7:31 pm

      Hi Maxi…there are things you can do to better your situation on the healing side. I wrote about a lot of them in my eBook “The No Contact Rule Book” (245 pages). Also tap into all the resources on my website. It’s best to have a plan going forward, not just for your own healing, but things you can do to improve your chances of repairing the relationship if that is to be. But first, its all about you and your recovery and I think No Contact may be the way forward for you.

  17. Avatar

    Manda Amanda

    January 6, 2019 at 8:59 am

    Hi Chris,

    I actually followed your advice previously when my bf broke up with me and now he is back after no contact of 1 month. We constantly meet and text and it has been a week plus. We spoke about the breakup and he claims that for now he wants to go with the flow and see how far this goes and it’s too soon to get back together. However, we ended up having sex twice. But even after, he still texts me and talks to me on the phone and meets up, and has even agreed to go out for a movie with me (like a date). I even asked him if he is going to return me back my things, and he ignored and did not want to. He gets jealous esp when I talk to other guys or when guys hit on me at the club etc and tells me things like “I miss you” and ends up saying I don’t know where this is going and I don’t want to give you hope. I’m so confused with all the mixed signals. I know he cares and he might probably still have feelings for me, but now that I had sex with him twice, it’s making me worried that he might have come back for it. However, we were having issues in bed and was one of the reasons why we broke up previously cause we weren’t having enough sex. What should I do now? Continue talking to him or go into NC? Help pls! 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 6, 2019 at 8:16 pm

      Hi Miranda!

      Yes, those mixed feeling can be confusing. Just take things slow. Too premature to go into NC as things could improve. Look for opportunities to have experiences together..build on those. At this stage, don’t try to “define” the relationship or put any conditions on how things should be. Just enjoy moments together and keep it positive. Later, you cna decide if you like the direction its head and NC is always an option.

  18. Avatar

    Penny

    December 28, 2018 at 8:48 pm

    Hey Chris. Here’s my question. My ex and I started as work friends then after knowing each other a few months we started hanging out as friends outside work, pretty quickly (second “date”) we slept together and became FWB, two months of that and he was ready to commit to me and asked to date me. We were together for 6 months even lived together, then I started birth control and it made me CRAZY we had a real fight. (Prior we agreed or compromised on pretty much everything) after a month of me acting nuts he left. Roommates for 2 months til I moved out. Then we didn’t spend allot of the there but still saw eachother often as strictly friends, I lived with roommates while loooking for my own place and 5 months after the break up we started flirting. then 6 months after the breakup I moved (again) into my own place no roommates. He helped. First time I got him to hangout (2 weeks after moving right after he helped me empty my storage unit) and we had sex. He specifically said he still just wants to be friends. But I feel like this is exactly how it happened when we started dating. Sex no strings friendship and me basically flat out saying I can get any guy I want and do and will, while being extremely independent is what made him want me in the first place, so do I need to cut this off? Or do you think with my new place, better job and independent confident nature being the high value hard to lock down woman I am, he’ll for me again the exact same way?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 29, 2018 at 2:12 am

      Hi Penny!

      The friends with benefits kind of connection doesn’t usually turn out so well. Perhaps consider NC.

  19. Avatar

    Shruti

    December 18, 2018 at 3:14 pm

    Hi Chris, I am in a dilemma. My boyfriend broke up with me 3 days back. We were in a long distance relationship. Now one of his best friends has come to my country for vacation and we met over lunch. My ex’ best friend asked me if I had sex with my ex and I promptly said yes. After reflection I realised my ex boyfriend never shared our sexual relations with his best friend. I wanted to try the No Contact rule on my ex but I think after this there’s no possibility of having my ex back. If his best friend goes back and tell my ex that I told him about our sexual relations then there is no reason for my ex to come back to me. Maybe my ex just wanted to protect me from people to assume negative things on me. Please help me I am trying to get my ex back. My ex best friend promised me he won’t say a word to my ex but I am sure he will.

  20. Avatar

    Sam

    December 9, 2018 at 2:19 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I am reaching out again because I followed your advice and stayed patient without contacting my ex. I previously wrote in which I have copied and pasted below.

    *****Big fan of your site! Okay so here is my story me and my ex have been broken up for 2 years now. We dated for a year and broke up pretty mutually. I was in school full time he was working just in different parts of our lives back then. I graduated college last May and have a full time job now so things have changed. Since we broke up he has been with the same girl for 2 years. They recently got an apartment together. I saw him out a year ago and I was on a date with another guy we had a brief good convo and then that was it I had not heard or seen him since. Flash forward a year later and he texts me last friday. We decided to meet up even though he still has the same gf of 2 years. We ended up talking and saying how much we both still loved eachother and how he will always love me and thinks about me everyday and how great our relationship was. I brought up the gf situation and asked what is going on with him and her. He barley had an answer more of a uhhhh its not good. We ended up having sex. Now it has been a few days and I still see he is in a relationship with her. How do I get him back at this point? What moves do I make now? I really am willing to do what it takes to make him mine again.

    Your response: “It still seems unclear whether you should be patient and continue conversation and contact with your ex or (Being There Strategy) or pursue No Contact. Be patient for a week or so and gently explore his intentions.”

    Now it has been two weeks since our encounter and I have not heard from him. I believe right now he is still with his girlfriend. What should I do now? Should I reach out to him? I really want to make this work with him! Please give me advice! Also I have your ebook

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