What Really Attracts An Ex Boyfriend To You- The SIX Qualities!

163 thoughts on “What Really Attracts An Ex Boyfriend To You?”

Sally

May 2, 2016 at 5:42 am

Hi! This article was really interesting and funny!

I ended NC after almost two months to heal myself from depression, now im doing better! He called me asking for meet up, in that encounter he was nice like always wanting to touch, contact, hug, but we ended talking about the relationship and he said that he dont want anything (i think he was looking for friendship, cause he asked me to see me soon and help him with some things) so when i said that its gonna be difficult to be friends he kind of get sad and that day things ended good, but i feel bad later. That day he ask me what i want, “get back?!” he said…and then i just responded that “no, i don’t know, im ina process”, then he kind of said that he dont want me to be sad or cry over him.

A week later he write me, about a friend and a re-encounter- we talked about that, they were distant and i always reccomend to make things ok with him- so we started talking fun, also he remembering and old joke of us, talking about his things, like we always did… He stills puts likes on my stuff on FB.
A week later i texted like he did, and the same result: nice talking, funny and he also said that was really nice to talk with me, and was really great.

Then he didnt contact me in this week, and i feel anxious about it…don’t knowing if i have to write or wait till he do it.
What should i do?
Im worried that he knows what i want…and don’t wanna talk to me… (i never mencioned somthing about the relationship in our chats)

Thank U!!!

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 3, 2016 at 12:34 pm

HI Sally,
let him be for this week, if he doesn’t text the whole week, you can try to initiate next week.

Reshma

May 1, 2016 at 3:24 am

Great article! I love the way you explain your method of the theorie you put out there. I think it is one of or perhaps even your best work ever! I would say stick with this. That is, what you know and what you can substantiate with research about the underlying psychological mechanisms in relationships, instead of hair and clothing tips that any girl friends can give. This is what makes your website unique.

If you find the time I would very much like to read more about your take on the whole introverted versus extraverted types of men when it comes to the different theories and advice you give out. That article was also very good and I was wondering how perhaps the madonna-whore theory and the God theory would relate to those different types of men.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 8, 2016 at 12:38 pm

Hi Reshma,

I know you would wnt Chris’ reply, so, I’ll forward your last comment to him
Reshma

May 4, 2016 at 2:49 am

Your welcome! And thank you for responding, I truly respect your work.
I was just wondering if the whore approach is always preferred over the madonna approach. Like perhaps if you came out of a friends with benefits kind of situation?
Also If I remember correctly introverts respond better to stable and trustworthy women. Those seem more like madonna type traits. Or am I missing the point? I mean I get that the main point is that you should not cater to every need. However, in a way the madonna type seem like a person who receives more respect than a whore type. But perhaps its just the names that might sound confusing. The less bright ones among us might think you are advicing them to dance on tables hahha

Thank you for your time!
Chris Seiter

May 3, 2016 at 12:27 am

Thanks so much for this comment.

Totally made my day!

Can you be more specific regarding the MW theory and introverts and extroverts. I’d like to answer you here.

Reshma

May 1, 2016 at 3:24 am

Great article! I love the way you explain your method of the theorie you put out there. I think it is one of or perhaps even your best work ever! I would say stick with this. That is, what you know and what you can substantiate with research about the underlying psychological mechanisms in relationships, instead of hair and clothing tips that any girl friends can give. This is what makes your website unique.

If you find the time I would very much like to read more about your take on the whole introverted versus extraverted types of men when it comes to the different theories and advice you give out. That article was also very good and I was wondering how perhaps the madonna-whore theory and the God theory would relate to those different types of men.

Reshma

May 4, 2016 at 2:49 am

Your welcome! And thank you for responding, I truly respect your work.
I was just wondering if the whore approach is always preferred over the madonna approach. Like perhaps if you came out of a friends with benefits kind of situation?
Also If I remember correctly introverts respond better to stable and trustworthy women. Those seem more like madonna type traits. Or am I missing the point? I mean I get that the main point is that you should not cater to every need. However, in a way the madonna type seem like a person who receives more respect than a whore type. But perhaps its just the names that might sound confusing. The less bright ones among us might think you are advicing them to dance on tables hahha

Thank you for your time!
Chris Seiter

May 3, 2016 at 12:27 am

Thanks so much for this comment.

Totally made my day!

Can you be more specific regarding the MW theory and introverts and extroverts. I’d like to answer you here.

Serra

April 29, 2016 at 5:52 pm

Hi!
We really had a great relationship with my boyfriend until we started too much arguing a month ago or so. I had felt that he was pulling back so I was constantly nagging him then we sort of had a fight and he told me he needed time to himself. I respected that and didn’t contact him for a week. Then he asked to meet up and when we did, he told me that he was disappointed in our relationship, had lost some of his feelings but he didn’t want to lose me so he offered to take a break. Now, I don’t believe in taking breaks from a relationship so I told him I could really work on the relationship and we could both correct our mistakes and he told me he had no energy left to do so right now he just needed time but didn’t want to end it all. I didn’t want to put myself in a desperate situation like that so I told him I was breaking up. So, I’m not even sure who ended this relationship or is it really over or not? That happened a week ago. I went into no contact right away and he didn’t contact me either. He hasn’t asked to get his stuff back from my house and he hasn’t taken our photos off the social media. I’m kind of in a mess and so confused about all this. I really want him to come back and put an effort to our relationship. What should I do? Is there any hope out there? Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 12:00 pm

Hi Serra,

finish no contact first.. take it like a break from everything so that both if you can breathe

Serra

April 29, 2016 at 5:52 pm

Hi!
We really had a great relationship with my boyfriend until we started too much arguing a month ago or so. I had felt that he was pulling back so I was constantly nagging him then we sort of had a fight and he told me he needed time to himself. I respected that and didn’t contact him for a week. Then he asked to meet up and when we did, he told me that he was disappointed in our relationship, had lost some of his feelings but he didn’t want to lose me so he offered to take a break. Now, I don’t believe in taking breaks from a relationship so I told him I could really work on the relationship and we could both correct our mistakes and he told me he had no energy left to do so right now he just needed time but didn’t want to end it all. I didn’t want to put myself in a desperate situation like that so I told him I was breaking up. So, I’m not even sure who ended this relationship or is it really over or not? That happened a week ago. I went into no contact right away and he didn’t contact me either. He hasn’t asked to get his stuff back from my house and he hasn’t taken our photos off the social media. I’m kind of in a mess and so confused about all this. I really want him to come back and put an effort to our relationship. What should I do? Is there any hope out there? Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 12:00 pm

Hi Serra,

finish no contact first.. take it like a break from everything so that both if you can breathe

Questioning

April 29, 2016 at 1:55 am

Hey Chris, really enjoy these articles. I have a question though, can you make an article on what to do after you “ghost” a conversation at its highest peak when using the push/pull theory? For ex. I call my ex and I just hang up on him at our climax and then I shut off my phone so I pretend my phone died. But continuing after that, I feel really awkward on how I should proceed because what other things can I do other than waiting until the next morning and popping in a “sorry my phone died!” that would be way more effective? Maybe can you please give me some pointers in this comment and maybe write an article on it later? 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 10:21 am

thank you for your suggestion! you can try to just end the convo politely next time by saying you need to go because of what you are doing or where you’re going..

Questioning

April 29, 2016 at 1:55 am

Hey Chris, really enjoy these articles. I have a question though, can you make an article on what to do after you “ghost” a conversation at its highest peak when using the push/pull theory? For ex. I call my ex and I just hang up on him at our climax and then I shut off my phone so I pretend my phone died. But continuing after that, I feel really awkward on how I should proceed because what other things can I do other than waiting until the next morning and popping in a “sorry my phone died!” that would be way more effective? Maybe can you please give me some pointers in this comment and maybe write an article on it later? 🙂

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 10:21 am

thank you for your suggestion! you can try to just end the convo politely next time by saying you need to go because of what you are doing or where you’re going..

Rhonda

April 29, 2016 at 1:07 am

Hi Chris,

OK let me start off by saying I have already messed up. I became friends with benefits with my ex and he seems to be getting closer and still falling in love with his rebound girl. We have a daughter together and after he got angry at me for a social media picture of him and his daughter saying how his girlfriend wouldn’t like that, we had harsh exchange of words (as always) and I made it seem I don’t want him back. Now, I want to implement the Minimum Contact where he only messages me about his daughter and I have ignored him (which is one of my strengths, ignoring people) and he messaged me after 2 days. I keep our communication simple. I have even banned him from my house, he should meet me in public settings to see his daughter. I actually know he doesn’t value me and believes he has a hold on me but Chris I MUST take back the power. Any tips on this messy situation?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 10:18 am

H Rhonda,
you’re already doing it by stopping to sleep with him and improving yourself during minimal contact.. just continue on with that..

Rhonda

April 29, 2016 at 1:07 am

Hi Chris,

OK let me start off by saying I have already messed up. I became friends with benefits with my ex and he seems to be getting closer and still falling in love with his rebound girl. We have a daughter together and after he got angry at me for a social media picture of him and his daughter saying how his girlfriend wouldn’t like that, we had harsh exchange of words (as always) and I made it seem I don’t want him back. Now, I want to implement the Minimum Contact where he only messages me about his daughter and I have ignored him (which is one of my strengths, ignoring people) and he messaged me after 2 days. I keep our communication simple. I have even banned him from my house, he should meet me in public settings to see his daughter. I actually know he doesn’t value me and believes he has a hold on me but Chris I MUST take back the power. Any tips on this messy situation?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 10:18 am

H Rhonda,
you’re already doing it by stopping to sleep with him and improving yourself during minimal contact.. just continue on with that..

emily

April 28, 2016 at 11:32 pm

Bits and pieces of this are in other threads but here is my recent dilemma…We were together of 7 months. He ended things in February. I did NC (he did not text me but he liked multiple things on my social media). I initiated first contact as your book suggests. 2 texts (First contact and ended the conversation on a high note.) He texted me several hours later that night. I initiated several days later, talking about an event in the city we were both going to, he even said “hopefully I’ll see you.” The day of the event we ended up texting a little bit, but were not in the same place to meet up, I ended the conversation saying to have a good rest of the day/night. I woke up to two texts saying “Where are you?” an hour later “Are you awake?” These were late Friday night drunk texts from him. We texted Saturday for 5 hours, even getting flirty and a bit sexual. At times it felt like either of us could have asked to meet up, but we did not. I ended the conversation saying I was going out with friends to dinner. He did text me later that night to ask how my night was but I was asleep. Sunday I texted back, we exchanged a few texts and then all of the sudden he just stopped responding to me. When the weekend came around he went to South Carolina on vacation with his family (which he invited me to go with him while we were together). Friday night again at 1230 AM, he sent me a message ‘Come to South Carolina.” I figured he was drunk and decided to wait until he got back to ask him how the trip was to which he did not respond to me.

What is with the drunk texting? Is he playing games/using push/pull on me? Does he just want to hook up? But then why would he message me when he was 5 states away when clearly we weren’t going to meet up that night? I am very confused he was so positive during the first week of texting after no contact. I feel like I was making progress, but is this now a lost cause? Should I do no contact again or just give up?

emily

May 11, 2016 at 12:54 am

It’s been 3 weeks since I sent the last text that he has not responded to. I am focusing on getting to 30 days of NC again. I’m feeling lost and confused and anxious that we texted for 2 weeks and now he has just stopped responding. I wish I could just ask “What the heck?” but I know I can’t. I have refrained from any drunk texting initiated by me. He has been to a couple of weddings the past few weeks and I have not seen him in pictures with a date. I don’t even know how to go about initiating contact after another no contact period.
emily

May 3, 2016 at 11:52 pm

I know that sleeping with an ex in a horrible mistake someone can make when trying to get them back. What if he wants to meet up on a weekend night after a night out. I know I would want to go even to just talk to him and see him but would try to avoid having sex with him. Is sleeping over without having sex just as bad as a mistake? If he does drunk text asking to meet up, should I just tell him we should talk the next day or not respond at all?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 1:01 pm

it’s a drunk text, so it’s ok if you don’t respond.. and if you sleep over without sex, you would probably just send mixed signals at him.. if he wants to meet after a night out, stay outside..
emily

May 1, 2016 at 3:35 pm

It has been 2 weeks since his last drunk message. I sent a text several days later asking how his trip was which I’ve gotten no response. Should I keep no contact until he reached out to me? I don’t want to be a gnat.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 5:06 pm

yeah that’s ok if you want him to text you first
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 10:16 am

Hi Emily,

since he’s flirty with you take it as a good sign.. but still take things slow, don’t rely on his drunk texts..

emily

April 28, 2016 at 11:32 pm

Bits and pieces of this are in other threads but here is my recent dilemma…We were together of 7 months. He ended things in February. I did NC (he did not text me but he liked multiple things on my social media). I initiated first contact as your book suggests. 2 texts (First contact and ended the conversation on a high note.) He texted me several hours later that night. I initiated several days later, talking about an event in the city we were both going to, he even said “hopefully I’ll see you.” The day of the event we ended up texting a little bit, but were not in the same place to meet up, I ended the conversation saying to have a good rest of the day/night. I woke up to two texts saying “Where are you?” an hour later “Are you awake?” These were late Friday night drunk texts from him. We texted Saturday for 5 hours, even getting flirty and a bit sexual. At times it felt like either of us could have asked to meet up, but we did not. I ended the conversation saying I was going out with friends to dinner. He did text me later that night to ask how my night was but I was asleep. Sunday I texted back, we exchanged a few texts and then all of the sudden he just stopped responding to me. When the weekend came around he went to South Carolina on vacation with his family (which he invited me to go with him while we were together). Friday night again at 1230 AM, he sent me a message ‘Come to South Carolina.” I figured he was drunk and decided to wait until he got back to ask him how the trip was to which he did not respond to me.

What is with the drunk texting? Is he playing games/using push/pull on me? Does he just want to hook up? But then why would he message me when he was 5 states away when clearly we weren’t going to meet up that night? I am very confused he was so positive during the first week of texting after no contact. I feel like I was making progress, but is this now a lost cause? Should I do no contact again or just give up?

emily

May 11, 2016 at 12:54 am

It’s been 3 weeks since I sent the last text that he has not responded to. I am focusing on getting to 30 days of NC again. I’m feeling lost and confused and anxious that we texted for 2 weeks and now he has just stopped responding. I wish I could just ask “What the heck?” but I know I can’t. I have refrained from any drunk texting initiated by me. He has been to a couple of weddings the past few weeks and I have not seen him in pictures with a date. I don’t even know how to go about initiating contact after another no contact period.
emily

May 3, 2016 at 11:52 pm

I know that sleeping with an ex in a horrible mistake someone can make when trying to get them back. What if he wants to meet up on a weekend night after a night out. I know I would want to go even to just talk to him and see him but would try to avoid having sex with him. Is sleeping over without having sex just as bad as a mistake? If he does drunk text asking to meet up, should I just tell him we should talk the next day or not respond at all?
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 4, 2016 at 1:01 pm

it’s a drunk text, so it’s ok if you don’t respond.. and if you sleep over without sex, you would probably just send mixed signals at him.. if he wants to meet after a night out, stay outside..
emily

May 1, 2016 at 3:35 pm

It has been 2 weeks since his last drunk message. I sent a text several days later asking how his trip was which I’ve gotten no response. Should I keep no contact until he reached out to me? I don’t want to be a gnat.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 5:06 pm

yeah that’s ok if you want him to text you first
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 10:16 am

Hi Emily,

since he’s flirty with you take it as a good sign.. but still take things slow, don’t rely on his drunk texts..

Amy

April 28, 2016 at 8:32 pm

Hi Chris! I’m only a few days away from finishing the 30 day nc and I plan to follow your advice on the texting and the ride theory and then the phone calls then hopefully in person (seriously, I’ve read wayyy too many articles haha). The only problem is I have heard NOTHING from him since I began the nc, I know know he is a stubborn person but should I be concerned?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 9:18 am

Hi Amy,

it’s still ok to initiate even if he didn’t contact you.. nope, maybe he just doesn’t know what to say and how to say it.

Amy

April 28, 2016 at 8:32 pm

Hi Chris! I’m only a few days away from finishing the 30 day nc and I plan to follow your advice on the texting and the ride theory and then the phone calls then hopefully in person (seriously, I’ve read wayyy too many articles haha). The only problem is I have heard NOTHING from him since I began the nc, I know know he is a stubborn person but should I be concerned?

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 1, 2016 at 9:18 am

Hi Amy,

it’s still ok to initiate even if he didn’t contact you.. nope, maybe he just doesn’t know what to say and how to say it.

Carrie Jay

April 28, 2016 at 4:46 pm

Me and my boyfriend were in a huge on off relationship. The first time we broke up, I immediately initiated the no contact rule after being clingy and it worked. However, after this we have gone through multiple phases of being broken up, friends, friends with benefits and going out again. This was what it was like every time we broke up so this has happened about 5 times. Each time, he has broken up with me, making me want him even more.
Yesterday, he broke up with me after we had a small relationship and today, he has been more interested in a girl and he started doing sexual stuff with her even though they arent going out. After that, he asked her out and she gave an answer that was clear so right now, he is trying to get her attention and is asking her out again. She doesn’t sound very interested according to what my ex is saying but he is still trying. I am friends with my ex and he can tell that I am jealous. However, I realised that just yesterday, he was saying negative things about the girl and didn’t seem interested in her, other than her body. Now, he has mentioned lots about this girl and he keeps joking about loving me. For example, he says ‘love you! JK!’ and he knows that I like him. I want him back but it will be so difficult since I’m friends with him and I really don’t know what to do. He hardly ever tells me why he broke up with me either, he usually says that I have had too many chances.

Chris Seiter

April 28, 2016 at 7:55 pm

I think the biggest issue looking at your situation is the fact that you aren’t really doing a great job of the push/pull thing that I was talking about in this article.

Carrie Jay

April 28, 2016 at 4:46 pm

Me and my boyfriend were in a huge on off relationship. The first time we broke up, I immediately initiated the no contact rule after being clingy and it worked. However, after this we have gone through multiple phases of being broken up, friends, friends with benefits and going out again. This was what it was like every time we broke up so this has happened about 5 times. Each time, he has broken up with me, making me want him even more.
Yesterday, he broke up with me after we had a small relationship and today, he has been more interested in a girl and he started doing sexual stuff with her even though they arent going out. After that, he asked her out and she gave an answer that was clear so right now, he is trying to get her attention and is asking her out again. She doesn’t sound very interested according to what my ex is saying but he is still trying. I am friends with my ex and he can tell that I am jealous. However, I realised that just yesterday, he was saying negative things about the girl and didn’t seem interested in her, other than her body. Now, he has mentioned lots about this girl and he keeps joking about loving me. For example, he says ‘love you! JK!’ and he knows that I like him. I want him back but it will be so difficult since I’m friends with him and I really don’t know what to do. He hardly ever tells me why he broke up with me either, he usually says that I have had too many chances.

Chris Seiter

April 28, 2016 at 7:55 pm

I think the biggest issue looking at your situation is the fact that you aren’t really doing a great job of the push/pull thing that I was talking about in this article.

EBR Team Member: Amor

May 15, 2016 at 12:21 am

That’s good.. it is hard but it’s not impossible… So continue doing that! 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 14, 2016 at 3:26 pm

Thank you for sharing Jennifer! I hope you do have a happy ending with him. 🙂 And thank you for the tips!
So Confused

May 10, 2016 at 7:15 pm

Hi Amor,

I just wanted to say thank you for your advice! If you hadn’t reminded me to just focus on the “good” I probably would have let the situation I am in bother me a lot more than it should have. Instead, I have had a productive past few days… And today, unexpectedly, after nearly three weeks of nc my ex texted me! I didn’t have to resume contact. This honestly came as a surprise, and while I’m not sure how good this is I wanted to say thank you. I think focusing on the good in any situation is a good thing to remember
jennifer

May 10, 2016 at 5:57 pm

Oh and the information on what I did:

– 30 days active NC: I became calm, emotional stable, started thinking logical again, got my life together

– first text: I told him about my internship in the hospital where he also once worked. I asked him if I should say hello to somebody for him. I got a positive and long response back.

– the tide theory: Very important! I slowly made steps towards getting close again. But I made more breaks between the texting days and a slower texting progress then you recommended. At some point I thought I did not have any progress but then: BOOM! He started texting me and send me a facebook friend request, even though I was the one who deleted him.
Right now I do not feel stupid when I send him a big heart, because I get one in return.

– dates: Well, we are both in a paramedic aid organisation and saw each other 2-5 days a month. There I showed the best of me. We laughed in groups and worked together. One day he suddenly asked me when I would come visit him again. Then I knew it was safe to ask him out. We went to his place, watched a movie and talked.

-push/pull theory and chase: Even though I made the most steps, showed him admiration and love, I rejected him from time to time. Most of the time it wasn’t even on purpose. He wanted to meet up, but I had a lot to do. When we were in service and I asked who wants to patrol with me, he said yes but someone else was faster than him. etc. (So I did this without even noticing it)

– And the greatest thing: Never giving up: On many forums I saw people giving up on getting their ex back. I even met someone who was in the same situation as my ex and me. But even though I thought there was still a chance for them, they quitted. I can unerstand why, but it seems that they were not really commited to get them back. As soon as their ex said they did not love them anymore, even though they showed admiration, they collapsed an gave up.
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 9, 2016 at 7:45 am

Hi Lyra,

you don’t need to be totally into nc.. just focus more on your activities that you started when you were in nc.. lessen the texts if you must but you don’t have to totally stop him for now..
EBR Team Member: Amor

May 9, 2016 at 2:07 am

Hi Jennifer,

Continue what you’re doing right now of how you avoid him and add activities that will improve yourself.. join other groups of friends.. or be active in what you’re currently doing.. have a make over..
Chicken

May 6, 2016 at 1:26 pm

Update: he started texting her today…I’m starting to think that there’s no chance now 🙁

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163 thoughts on “What Really Attracts An Ex Boyfriend To You?”