I am about to save you from the biggest mistakes that you could make when you run into your ex.
Understanding how you act around your ex is an essential part of getting your ex back and in this post I am going to give you 6 powerful tips that you must read so you are prepared before running into your ex.
I get questions everyday in our private Facebook community about how to act around an ex if you accidentally run into him or her during a no contact period, the first meet up and in the rebuilding attraction phase.
If you are unfamiliar with the value chain or rebuilding attraction after no contact read about it because it’s crucial to understand when getting your ex back.
So, with that in mind let’s begin!
How You Should Act Around Your Ex
Here is a comprehensive list of the six tips mentioned in the video above,
- Act Indifferent
- Don’t Talk About The Breakup
- Don’t Be Mean
- Don’t Be Too Nice
- Don’t Ask If They’ve Been Thinking About You
- Look Good
Don’t be intimidated if you are looking at this list and have no idea what it means or how you should employ it. I am actually going to give you a detailed explanation of each below,
1. Act Indifferent
Indifference is the magic key to a successful meet up with your ex.
Acting indifferent will make your ex feel as though they’ve lost you forever which seems counterintuitive but it will spark a curiosity that they won’t be able to let go of.
This works on both men and women because people are hard-wired to be drawn to curiosity.
A perfect example of indifference is if your ex boyfriend plans to meet up with you for coffee and he mentions a girl he’s dated and you act unaffected.
- You might look at your watch
- You might act bored.
- You can change the subject
- You might respond with a generic statement like “that’s nice” and move on
This will send him the signal that you don’t care that he has been on dates and you’re not jealous.
It may come as a big shock to them if you had established a pattern of being a jealous person during your relationship.
2. Don’t Talk About The Breakup
Talking about the breakup during a meet up is a devastating mistake that will set you back in this process.
Don’t bring up past fights or try to tell your ex how you’ve changed.
It’s more effective if you show your ex that you’ve changed.
Remember, show don’t tell.
The no contact rule is a great way to reset things with your ex but when you bring up the past it reminds them of why they left you in the first place.
So, here’s the fix.
Instead of talking about the past with your ex make sure you come prepared with 3-5 incredible stories.
These stories should show you in a positive light.
For example, you might say something like,
“While I was volunteering last month at the animal shelter, a labrador retriever puppy was dropped off. He was so skinny from not eating. I worked with him for a few weeks and he’s doing great now and someone just adopted him yesterday. I know how much you love dogs especially Labs. Would you like to see the pictures of him?”
Important Tips To Keep In Mind About Your Story
Your story should be centered around your exes interests. A common mistake that I see my clients making is focusing stories around themselves.
Remember, your ex doesn’t care about you so much, they are more self interested by nature.
In the example above, the story is made with the intention that the ex loves dogs. The result is that they would find the story heartwarming and sweet.
Funny stories are also a great way to connect with your ex.
It’s actually been scientifically proven that shared laughter is correlated with relationship satisfaction (Kurtz & Algoe, 2015 and Dianne Grande Ph.D. 2017.)
It’s not imperative that you make your ex laugh but it will help you bond with them more deeply.
Make sure your jokes or stories aren’t sarcastic or hurtful. Good stories will stick with your ex and make them think about you even after you’ve left your meet up.
3. Don’t Be Mean
This seems like a simple concept.
It’s actually not…
You’re probably thinking “why would I be mean to the person I love?”
Well, what happens when you actually see your ex in person and some of the issues resurface?
You lash out…
Similarly if your ex brings up your flaws you may act unfavorably and try to defend yourself.
If a situation like that arises and your ex says something like,
“You still seem like the same old person you were before,” you need to respond in a clear calm way.
At this point you can show your ex that you’ve changed.
Simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and move on to another topic.
The stories you prepared above are perfect to use here as your new topic.
4. Don’t Be Too Nice
Being too nice is a very common mistake that I see with the members of our support group.
They think if they go out of their way for their ex or are overly nice the ex will fall in love all over again.
This is a huge mistake.
So, here are a few “off limits” behaviors I’ve surfaced a lot in our private support group,
- Don’t buy your ex gifts
- Don’t stroke your exes ego too much
- Do not sleep with your ex
Subtle jealously is important but if you come on too strong you are going to scare your ex and they will run for the door.
You’re also risking the possibility that your ex will mistake your kindness for a weakness.
This will create an unbalanced friendship where you are constantly going out of your way for your ex and they are using you emotionally or sometimes even physically.
My husband, Chris Seiter writes about something called the benjamin franklin effect,
Benjamin Franklin Effect: if you ask someone to do a favor for you they are likely to do more favors.
Don’t become the “friend” that your ex uses for favors of any kind. You can start to do favors for your ex when you are back together but until then you do not want to end up in a friend-zone.
5. Don’t Ask If They’ve Been Thinking About You
Nothing shouts desperation like asking your ex if they’ve been thinking about you.
It will seem like you’ve been worried about the breakup the entire time and it may actually hold you back from your overall goal of getting your ex back.
My husband often compares going through a breakup to going through a withdrawal period.
In fact, he’s located research stating that the part of the brain that lights up when someone is heartbroken is the same part of the brain that lights up with a drug addict is looking for a fix.
My recommendation is to find a way to occupy yourself so that you aren’t obsessing about your ex so much.
Remember, we don’t want to look desperate.
6. Look Good For Your Ex
You need to look good if you think you may run into your ex.
Have you ever heard that old phrase,
When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you do good.
Your confidence will be much higher if you feel you look better than ever before.
Attitude is everything when it comes to getting an ex back.
I’ve done an entire video on what to wear when you see your ex,
If you don’t have the time to watch the video here’s a quick crash course.
- It’s important that women wear the color red and men wear either black or blue.
- It is scientifically proven that red attracts men more then any other color.
- Black will help you exude confidence and mystery.
- If you cheated in either case you will need to wear blue since that will subconsciously make your ex trust you more.
Chris writes about the 11 ways you can scientifically make your ex fall in love with you here and I recommend that you study that before meeting up with your ex as well.
The Importance Of Body Language
One of the things that people rarely take into account is their body language.
Body language sends more signals than words can in many cases.
So, when you approach your ex do the following,
- Relax your hands
- Stand up straight
- Keep an open posture
And make sure you avoid the following,
- Avoid closing your fists
- Crossing your arms
I’ve seen it all with my coaching clients. Just the other day a member of our private Facebook group signed up for coaching because she ran into her ex and the encounter went like this.
“I left the house in a stained t-shirt from painting all day to go to the food store right before closing to grab some milk for my morning coffee. You’ll never guess who I ran into… my EX. He was standing there looking handsome as ever and there I was standing there with a stained shirt, messy bun and sweat pants. As soon as I saw my ex I put my head down, grabbed a random box of Cheerios hoping he wouldn’t see me. Within minutes he’s standing next to me and says “Hey.” With a flushed face I say “Hey” back and he walks away. Is there anything more embarrassing then that? Can you help me fix this? Do you think it’s over for good now? I feel so hopeless and devastated! Should I restart no contact?”
After coaching with her I was able to help her turn that situation around with the tips I just gave you.
I also want you to know that if you make one mistake during the re-attraction phase it’s not something you need to worry about too much.
We are here to guide you in the right direction and have seen pretty much every mistake you can think of when it comes to getting an ex back.
You can always turn your situation around no matter how difficult you think it may be.
And if you are that worried all you have to do is leave a comment and my husband and I will get back to you as soon as possible.