I am about to save you from the biggest mistakes that you could make when you run into your ex.

Understanding how you act around your ex is an essential part of getting your ex back and in this post I am going to give you 6 powerful tips that you must read so you are prepared before running into your ex.

I get questions everyday in our private Facebook community about how to act around an ex if you accidentally run into him or her during a no contact period, the first meet up and in the rebuilding attraction phase.

If you are unfamiliar with the value chain or rebuilding attraction after no contact read about it because it’s crucial to understand when getting your ex back.

So, with that in mind let’s begin!

How You Should Act Around Your Ex 

Here is a comprehensive list of the six tips mentioned in the video above,

  1. Act Indifferent
  2. Don’t Talk About The Breakup
  3. Don’t Be Mean
  4. Don’t Be Too Nice
  5. Don’t Ask If They’ve Been Thinking About You
  6. Look Good

Don’t be intimidated if you are looking at this list and have no idea what it means or how you should employ it. I am actually going to give you a detailed explanation of each below,

1. Act Indifferent 

Indifference is the magic key to a successful meet up with your ex.

Acting indifferent will make your ex feel as though they’ve lost you forever which seems counterintuitive but it will spark a curiosity that they won’t be able to let go of.

This works on both men and women because people are hard-wired to be drawn to curiosity.

A perfect example of indifference is if your ex boyfriend plans to meet up with you for coffee and he mentions a girl he’s dated and you act unaffected.

  • You might look at your watch
  • You might act bored.
  • You can change the subject
  • You might respond with a generic statement like “that’s nice” and move on

This will send him the signal that you don’t care that he has been on dates and you’re not jealous.

It may come as a big shock to them if you had established a pattern of being a jealous person during your relationship.

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2. Don’t Talk About The Breakup

Talking about the breakup during a meet up is a devastating mistake that will set you back in this process.

Don’t bring up past fights or try to tell your ex how you’ve changed.

It’s more effective if you show your ex that you’ve changed.

Remember, show don’t tell.

The no contact rule is a great way to reset things with your ex but when you bring up the past it reminds them of why they left you in the first place.

So, here’s the fix.

Instead of talking about the past with your ex make sure you come prepared with 3-5 incredible stories.

These stories should show you in a positive light.

For example, you might say something like,

“While I was volunteering last month at the animal shelter, a labrador retriever puppy was dropped off. He was so skinny from not eating. I worked with him for a few weeks and he’s doing great now and someone just adopted him yesterday. I know how much you love dogs especially Labs. Would you like to see the pictures of him?”

Important Tips To Keep In Mind About Your Story

Your story should be centered around your exes interests. A common mistake that I see my clients making is focusing stories around themselves.

Remember, your ex doesn’t care about you so much, they are more self interested by nature.

In the example above, the story is made with the intention that the ex loves dogs. The result is that they would find the story heartwarming and sweet.

Funny stories are also a great way to connect with your ex.

It’s actually been scientifically proven that shared laughter is correlated with relationship satisfaction (Kurtz & Algoe, 2015 and Dianne Grande Ph.D. 2017.)

It’s not imperative that you make your ex laugh but it will help you bond with them more deeply.

Make sure your jokes or stories aren’t sarcastic or hurtful. Good stories will stick with your ex and make them think about you even after you’ve left your meet up.

3. Don’t Be Mean 

This seems like a simple concept.

It’s actually not…

You’re probably thinking “why would I be mean to the person I love?”

Well, what happens when you actually see your ex in person and some of the issues resurface?

You lash out…

Similarly if your ex brings up your flaws you may act unfavorably and try to defend yourself.

If a situation like that arises and your ex says something like,

“You still seem like the same old person you were before,” you need to respond in a clear calm way.

At this point you can show your ex that you’ve changed.

Simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and move on to another topic.

The stories you prepared above are perfect to use here as your new topic.

4. Don’t Be Too Nice 

Being too nice is a very common mistake that I see with the members of our support group.

They think if they go out of their way for their ex or are overly nice the ex will fall in love all over again.

This is a huge mistake.

So, here are a few “off limits” behaviors I’ve surfaced a lot in our private support group,

  • Don’t buy your ex gifts
  • Don’t stroke your exes ego too much
  • Do not sleep with your ex

Subtle jealously is important but if you come on too strong you are going to scare your ex and they will run for the door.

You’re also risking the possibility that your ex will mistake your kindness for a weakness.

This will create an unbalanced friendship where you are constantly going out of your way for your ex and they are using you emotionally or sometimes even physically.

My husband, Chris Seiter writes about something called the benjamin franklin effect,

Benjamin Franklin Effect: if you ask someone to do a favor for you they are likely to do more favors.

Don’t become the “friend” that your ex uses for favors of any kind. You can start to do favors for your ex when you are back together but until then you do not want to end up in a friend-zone.

5. Don’t Ask If They’ve Been Thinking About You 

Nothing shouts desperation like asking your ex if they’ve been thinking about you.

It will seem like you’ve been worried about the breakup the entire time and it may actually hold you back from your overall goal of getting your ex back.

My husband often compares going through a breakup to going through a withdrawal period.

In fact, he’s located research stating that the part of the brain that lights up when someone is heartbroken is the same part of the brain that lights up with a drug addict is looking for a fix.

My recommendation is to find a way to occupy yourself so that you aren’t obsessing about your ex so much.

Remember, we don’t want to look desperate.

6. Look Good For Your Ex

You need to look good if you think you may run into your ex.

Have you ever heard that old phrase,

When you look good, you feel good and when you feel good, you do good.

It’s true!

Your confidence will be much higher if you feel you look better than ever before.

Attitude is everything when it comes to getting an ex back.

I’ve done an entire video on what to wear when you see your ex,

If you don’t have the time to watch the video here’s a quick crash course.

  • It’s important that women wear the color red and men wear either black or blue.
  • It is scientifically proven that red attracts men more then any other color.
  • Black will help you exude confidence and mystery.
  • If you cheated in either case you will need to wear blue since that will subconsciously make your ex trust you more.

Chris writes about the 11 ways you can scientifically make your ex fall in love with you here and I recommend that you study that before meeting up with your ex as well.

The Importance Of Body Language

One of the things that people rarely take into account is their body language.

Body language sends more signals than words can in many cases.

So, when you approach your ex do the following,

  • Relax your hands
  • Stand up straight
  • Keep an open posture

And make sure you avoid the following,

  • Avoid closing your fists
  • Crossing your arms
  • Slouching

I’ve seen it all with my coaching clients. Just the other day a member of our private Facebook group signed up for coaching because she ran into her ex and the encounter went like this.

“I left the house in a stained t-shirt from painting all day to go to the food store right before closing to grab some milk for my morning coffee. You’ll never guess who I ran into… my EX. He was standing there looking handsome as ever and there I was standing there with a stained shirt, messy bun and sweat pants. As soon as I saw my ex I put my head down, grabbed a random box of Cheerios hoping he wouldn’t see me. Within minutes he’s standing next to me and says “Hey.” With a flushed face I say “Hey” back and he walks away. Is there anything more embarrassing then that? Can you help me fix this? Do you think it’s over for good now? I feel so hopeless and devastated! Should I restart no contact?”

After coaching with her I was able to help her turn that situation around with the tips I just gave you.

Conclusion 

I also want you to know that if you make one mistake during the re-attraction phase it’s not something you need to worry about too much.

We are here to guide you in the right direction and have seen pretty much every mistake you can think of when it comes to getting an ex back.

You can always turn your situation around no matter how difficult you think it may be.

And if you are that worried all you have to do is leave a comment and my husband and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

What to Read Next

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14 thoughts on “How To Act Around Your Ex”

  1. Avatar

    Anon

    May 4, 2020 at 2:29 pm

    I haven’t seen my ex in a couple of months until recently. We had a pretty messy breakup, back in August, but weren’t really over until October. After that we tried to be friends but it was very difficult, so ultimately we just ended up not talking at all. We were recently at a mutual friends party, first time seeing each other in a while. I’ve lost weight, and I looked good. I did all of the above and I’ve actually been doing well overall since the breakup, but I can’t deny that I still hurt and I still miss him. So anyway I did all of the above well, but at the end of the night when we all left, I sent him a text and asked him if he wanted something back that belongs to him that I’ve had since the breakup. he responded and said that he did want it back and then when I said he could get it whenever, he didn’t respond. I was really drunk and it was like 2:30 in the morning, and I really just wanted a moment alone with him to talk, but I think he sensed that I wasn’t over him. ALSO, I should mention that he’s dating someone else now. How does all of this sound to you guys?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 11:08 am

      Hey there so if you are looking to get your ex back then you need to start with a 45 day NC because he has met someone else. While you work on your Holy Trinity during that time. Then reach out following the advice of the being there method

  2. Avatar

    Alex

    November 24, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    I’ve been with my extra for a year, we have met yesterday after 8 months of no contact and she seemed really happy, we spent the whole afternoon together, a day after I felt like I miss her and texted her to ask if she was free on weekend for a dinner, she agreed, but she seemed cold when I texted her and asked about her, I don’t know if she still think about getting back together or not

  3. Avatar

    Nono

    October 20, 2019 at 11:03 am

    Hi there I been seeing a guy for the last two months.We we’re not dating, it was just looking up.In my mind I always knew that I liked him even if it was just looking up IDK if he felt the same way.I tried several times to see where his head was it and he made it clear that he doesn’t do the whole realtionship thing .I said okay it’s fine ,then he said we will see where this takes us I agreed .We had sex 3 times and deep down I was not okay with the fact that we are just having sex awith no title.
    I found out that he actually told one of his friend (which I was kinda flity with) to have me I was broken when I found out so I decided it’s best if I leave him but at the same time I wanted my revenge because I felt like he used me and now his done with me.I kept on hearing stories about him wanting a girl in my circle .It hurt me because I feel all he ever said to me was a lie now he is hooking up with the very same girl in my circle (when my friend ask him about me he makes an excuse saying that I kissed his friend).The maina reason why I did it’s coz I wanted to spite him but I don’t think it worked coz he told his friend to slide .

    I was hurt by all of this but his best friend is also my friend and all he does most of the time when his with me is to mention him.Although his still hooking up with the girl in my circle his best friend still considers me as his girl IDK why

  4. Avatar

    Sayan

    September 9, 2019 at 2:46 pm

    Hi I am Sayan from India. I had a breakup over a month ago and I was trying hard to get my ex back, but it didn’t work, then I read your guide and got some idea. My situation is – Up until she went to her hometown and it became long distance, everything was going fine. But suddenly she stopped talking to me and I enquired it repeatedly and then she blocked me for a day and then unblocked me, then again I asked very nicely many times that what was her real problem, why she acted in such a way. She at first ignored my messages but then suddenly said that she couldn’t forget the day I hit her and doesn’t want to talk to me. But I couldn’t understand that why she is bringing this matter now which happened almost several months ago, and for that I already apologized to her a thousand times, I even brought her surprise gifts. I again said to her that for that incident I will feel guilty forever but why couldn’t you remember all the good memories. She didn’t listen to my logic and friendzoned me. I accepted it as I thought it was my only ground left to talk to her. After a day I found out she was abusing me and giving some false allegations regarding me to our common friends and I asked her about it and we had a fight, she abused me and I abused her and then she blocked me from everywhere and its been a month now. Our one common friend, in the meantime, tried a few times to convince her to talk to me and sort things out, but she said to him that she wouldn’t like to hear about me and see my face ever again as she hates me the most in this world, but then he tried again and she blocked him too. Then I read your guide and told my common friend to not to speak about me to her from now on, maintain the silence from everywhere. But I really don’t know what to do man, how to recontact her and I am stressed out at the possibility that she might got another guy and is totally forgetting me. I am thinking to text her from a new number after 10 days from now, some pictures of us from our good old times and saying that I was deleting the old stuff. What do you think? Could this work? What other things can I do to get her back?
    Please help out, please give me some advices. She is the love of my life man and I can’t let her go

    1. Shaunna

      Shaunna

      September 12, 2019 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Sayan, yes the program can give you, your best chance at getting your ex back.

  5. Avatar

    Jessica

    August 6, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    I found out that my boyfriend had sex with another girl. We have been together for almost 2 years but We were in an open relationship period because of long distance but an important boundary was absolutely no sex with anyone else. There was once situation before this where I kissed another guy and he was scarred from that. He lied to me about the sex while I visited him, changing the story into a less hurtful one. Only when I left the visit and we were not physically in the same state did he tell me the truth about the specifics of the situation, which were much worse. The sex happened much more recently than I expected. He was very devastated while talking about both situations, the fake story and the real story. He says he lied in fear of losing me and hurting me even more, and said that because he saw such a future with me, he couldn’t bear not telling me the truth. I broke up with him once he told me the real story and it was devastating because I was not prepared for the relationship to end. I expected him to reach out to me but he didn’t after that. He didn’t fight for me, but a lot of bad stuff had just happened. I ended up reaching out to him after a week of silence because the situation was not resolved in a remotely healthy way and was causing huge stress. Those conversations over the phone were a lot of crying and he was insisting that he needs time and space and that we could not move forward right now because of all of the drama. He also said that we should just be friends and not romantic once we are in the same place again. All of this was mixed with tears and him telling me he loves me but has been dealing with a lot of insecurity and trust problems in our relationship. Before I found this out, it really was all love coming from him and excitement and eagerness about our future together. But I guess he was dealing with some underlying issues and did not communicate them to me like he should have. He said he feared I would’ve judged him. We haven’t spoken in a month, and when sent an accidental text message I did didn’t answer. But this past month he has been viewing and liking all of mine own and my families social media. He also was like posting songs about me to a playlist. It confuses me why he wants to see so much of me online but doesn’t reach out to me? I haven’t been doing that to him. I want advice on how to approach seeing him for the first time, we have a lot of stuff to give back to each other. Should I reach out to him about that once the time comes or wait till he does? I don’t know if I want him back right now necessarily but just advice on how to handle our intermingled lives and friend groups at college. It’s hard to picture my life without him right now. And I don’t think either of us could just jump into being friends right away. I think some of the things he was saying over the phone was just him trying to protect himself. He definitely didn’t sound very good over the phone, neither of us did. I know this no contact period is good but now as we are about to see eachother soon I need help navigating this. I miss him very much and I am still very in love with him. I think sometimes I do make excuses for him and his behavior because he really always was so good to me before this all happened but I also think time without a boyfriend would be good for me right now.

  6. Avatar

    Jessica

    August 6, 2019 at 8:49 am

    I’ve been together with my ex in a very short time of period. it’s the shortest period of dating I’ve ever had. we know each other on 1st Jul and we start officially dating on 6th of July after 2 times met up. since 1st July we always chat whole day and at night he will call me and we talk for hours before we went to sleep. for info, i work 9 to 6 and he work 7.30-8.30. it happen on our second week in relationship that i asked him to meet up after he finish work. and he replied me that we cant meet up and he suggest the next day then we can meet. when i told him i can just drop by to just see and talk to him a while to his place he replied that he don’t want his gf to wait for him too long and he feel guilty after that. so i told him of course i also don’t want to wait hours. i will just drop by when he about to finish his working hour. but he said if its not important, we can meet on weekend. i lashed out my frustration that we are newly in relationship, shouldn’t we have more passion to want to meet each other more? and why it is so hard to meet my own bf where i need to make appointment. then i said something that i regret that if we are having weekend relationship then i’m going to need to find weekday bf. which he asked me, “you want to find another bf?” and i reply to him “i don’t know”. that day the last message i sent to him and he didn’t reply whole evening. but he called me at night and i know stupid me and my ego, i didn’t pick up.
    the next day is the first time we don’t communicate at all. until before i knock off from office and ask him if he can meet me, but he gave me a reason that his big boss come over to office and i know he going to ditch me. when i reach my home, i had this feeling of fear the same thing happen again to me as my previous relationship, my bf just meet me every weekend and he ditch me for another girl. at that time with previous my ex bf, i don’t even message or text him as much as i do with my current ex bf. so i asked him if we should breakup before we fall to deep and he agree. but the breakup hit me very bad until i cant even stop my tears when i’m working and even concentrate to it.
    so next day i called him and on the third try he pick up my call and we get back together. i can feel the difference between him before and after. his message when replying to mine is shorter and no more emoticon or whatsoever, no more attachment i can feel from his message compare to last time. and after 4th week we together, we spent great weekend together, watch movie, cuddling. next very Monday when he called me at night after we talk about our day and other thing, he mention the break up. that we should break up because he don’t know if his feeling will come back to me or not and when he don’t even sure whether his feeling will be back or not, i’m the only one who suffer. so he decide break up is the best choice. so eventually i agree to it without much fuss. but the next day i sent him one message to explain to him why i did so when i asked him to break up just to let him know my reason. since then i didn’t even message him until 2 days after break up he message me and ask our schedule ticket because he going to go anyway with his working junior. we bought the ticket when we enter the relationship to have a holiday on this long weekend. but since eventually we broke up, i still decide to fly because its a ticket to my hometown, which we actually plan to go to another city after we arrived. and he tell me that he is not going. so when i receive the message i’m kinda surprised and thought many think i can possibly think. whether he think of me..he still have a little feel for me, wanna just in touch with me, miss me, just wanna talk with me, but worse is he already delete our chat room that’s why he don’t have the ticket when i already sent it to him earlier when i just booked the ticket. so since i didn’t initiate any contact with him since he broke up with me, i’m quite puzzle on how am i going to face him in two more days when i meet him at the airport. well all of this question is basically, can i recover our relationship when he seems see me as the only one he wants. what should i do when i meet him on the return flight? i really lost, please advice me.

  7. Avatar

    Amanda

    May 26, 2019 at 4:30 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I am in a huge ordeal. My ex fiancé who lived with me, was going to marry in December; abruptly left over a month ago. I am devastated. He proclaims it was my 10 year old son. I know he still loves me, and I’ve been in contact here and there. I know I should do the no contact rule. I run into him at the gym, and he hugs me and kisses me at times. He won’t reach out to me, yet responses always and picks up. He just says he needs time to think. He was going to be my husband. My forever. I want to work through the issue, but I feel he resorted to being a teenager by running back home to Mom. (He’s 30 and I am 33). I have helped him so much establish his life, and we truly get along great. We had a wonderful relationship. Everyone said he got cold feet and scared. I am torturing myself I feel like holding onto hope, but I feel like I should move on. Please help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 27, 2019 at 8:42 pm

      Hi Amanda…he probably did get cold feet…somewhat afraid of losing independence. I don’t think it’s time to move on. Just continue to take some space and time for yourself and see how he behaves and his level of interest and commitment. You will have an opportunity to decide later what is best for you and your child as you gain more insights into his intentions.

  8. Avatar

    Shanice

    December 18, 2018 at 2:34 am

    My boyfriend and I dated for three months before we broke up before Thanksgiving. Although it was not the longest of time, we were together very often so it felt as if it were longer, and we got to know each other really well. I can honestly say that I felt as if I was possibly falling in love with him, and by certain comments he made it seemed like he felt the same. He decides that we should break up because he was stressed about his job, and feels like it would be unfair to me to not get attention because he is stressing. He says that he was trying to consider my feelings and I appreciate that, but honestly it just kind of seems like a cop out. I understand job stress, but I kind of see that as a circumstance that could change at any time. He was unwilling to hear anything I said out, and was unchanging in his decision to break up. I have been extremely hurt and depressed, and I can say that I have never experienced a heartbreak such as this. I texted him briefly during the week after about a health issue and the conversation was fine. Then I texted him to ask if we could talk about what was going on with us, and did not receive a response. Yesterday, he texted me apologizing for not being more open to listening to me. I told him I appreciated it, and asked if he wanted to talk, and I wanted a straight answer. He told me that no, he still wasn’t in the place where he wanted to talk about it, but he knew he was wrong and knew he had to tell me that. Honestly, I was very upset by this because why apologize if you don’t want to speak on why it was wrong and how? What is your take on this?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 19, 2018 at 2:36 am

      Hi Shanice!

      Your ex seems inflexible about really talking through all this. Perhaps a brief period of no contact might be helpful here to get some space and let the tensions come down.

  9. Avatar

    Jess

    August 20, 2018 at 8:46 pm

    First off I have spent a year reading articles like this daily so I feel like I know everything, but I still am clueless with how to get myself out of the mess I’ve made. My did ex come back on his own after 6 months of no contact, but after two months we weren’t officially back together and I started dating another guy who reminded me how someone who is really into you behaves. When I am not available my ex wants me to stop seeing him and we can officially be back together again. I didn’t fall for the trap and cut contact with my ex. Me and this other guy broke up shortly thereafter for a month, got back together for a week (lol) and now are definitely never speaking to each other again. 4 weeks ago – exactly when me and the other guy got back together, my ex sent me an innocent snap and I replied 2 days later to talk about a band who we were both seeing in concert but on different nights (I knew that already), that led to a few days of talking a tiny bit about music. Of course this is the same week I’m back with guy #2. Then a few days later I texted him a gardening question, as we started a garden together when we were dating, and he taught me a lot and I’ve kept it going without him. I pushed my luck and asked if he would help with something, he asked one more question, I answered it and that was that almost 2 weeks ago – no response. I figure if he wanted to see me he would have jumped on that, but he doesn’t know what the status of my other relationship is, and if he’s stalking me it would look like I was still dating. I don’t know how to tell him I’m single. I don’t want him to think that only reason I want him is because things didn’t work with the other guy, because my lingering strong feelings for him are one of the reasons that relationship ended. I know it was a huge blow to his ego when I “wanted to be with someone else more than him” and I’m scared he’ll never see me the same, or at least in a positive light. I’m working on myself, and posting only positive fun stuff on social media. Please help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 20, 2018 at 11:31 pm

      Hi Jess!

      There is a lot going on here, so my advice you take a step back and evaluate how my program can benefit you best. Go to my home page and look at some of the tools and resources I make available. I think you will want to invest some quality time in seeking to rebuild trust with him and that usually occurs over time in small doses, with consistency. I think you are off to a good start with your social media strategy and eventually that should lead up to a initial contact message and building from there.