If you are reading this article, then you know the feeling. Or maybe I should say, you know the mixture of feelings.
First, there is probably anger or sadness, or a mixture of the two in a “How could he?” tone of voice.
Then the regret kicks in, followed by the obsessive behavior. There might be little sparks of anger in the midst of these emotions as well.
First of all, it’s okay. This is the grieving process.
And you might think, “Grieving process?
Chris I want to get him back, not give up!” But essentially, the rough part has already happened. You’ve gone through the breakup part. And no matter what happened to cause the split, I’ve helped so many people with so many breakups that I can say the “symptoms of a breakup,” are usually all the same.
- You check your phone constantly for any communication from him.
- You stalk their social media.
- You text them long chunks of overly emotional texts when they don’t text you.
- You post very bitter and emotional quotes on your social media that everyone knows is directed toward your ex.
- If you ex does respond to you, you lose your cool and a fight ensues.
I could go on, because there are so many more.
But there’s something I came to realize after writing the book for Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro. There is a delicate balance of three factors that work together that should help you get your ex back.
What are they you ask? Scarcity, Urgency, and Investment.
So if you’re already in No Contact, you’re already practicing the basics of Scarcity.
So you’re in No Contact, and you let’s say you get into fitness. “When in doubt, work it out,” Right? While at the gym, let’s say you meet a guy, and he asks you out. And you go out, because, let’s be honest, it’s a dinner date, not marriage.
So you post this on social media; The date, the food, the gym pics. Oh, and the next day, you just happen to get that big promotion you were working towards. You look amazing, you feel amazing and it shows. And trust me, it’s not just friends and family who are finding this out on your social media. But guess who can’t talk to you about it?
What scarcity boils down to is, there is only one of you, and you just came back on the market. Your ex knows this, and no matter what the reason was for the breakup, he no longer has access to you.
Now, take what you’ve observed about yourself after the breakup. The anxiety, the obsessiveness kicks in and it makes you crazy. Why? Because you no longer have access to something you’re used to having access to, and you probably had no say in the matter.
He may not show it, but he’s processing these same feelings, but most likely at different times and in different ways than you. But trust me, it happens. Now imagine all those thoughts he’s having when he sees you dating other guys. Not only that but now he’s thinking about texting you to see how you are doing, (even though, let’s be honest, he knows what you’re doing). But what happens when he tries to get in touch with you? He just can’t seem to get a hold of you.
Have they moved on? Who have they moved on with? What have I done?
Even if he’s the stubborn guy, that makes no effort to get in touch with you, he’s still curious about you and your every day life. Especially if he’s seeing it on your feeds.
So what happens when you do contact him again? What happens when you build rapport, and he sees that you are this cool, calm, collected, and very accomplished person? What do you think goes through his head? All kinds of thoughts.
What are they doing? Have they forgot about me? Did I make the wrong decision?
This creates a sense of Urgency.
So is Urgency a product of Scarcity?
Yes and no.
They actually kind of work hand in hand. But more on that later. So how does Urgency work? Urgency is anything you can do to create a situation where your ex has to lock you down or else.
For example, if he sees you dating another guy he would feel urgency to “claim his territory.”
Another example is making him feel like he’s never felt before so he has to lock you down. This is why going out while in No Contact is so important. You have to be able to create rapport with your ex with the experiences you have. But he also needs to know that you are no longer tied down to him, and if he wants to change that, he needs to act fast.
Which brings me to the next factor. If he’s going to act fast and “claim you as his,” he’s going to have to make some investment.
You might be thinking,
“Investment? I’m already investing in myself, by focusing on me.”
Which is good. The kind of investment that I want to focus on here is totally from him.
Is he at a point where he is actively investing his time into you through texts and phone calls? Have you built enough rapport with him by keeping your texts and conversations positive that he is emotionally invested in what is going on with you?
Let’s say for instance you text him, and he doesn’t reply. Now if you are familiar with being an Ungettable Girl/Guy, you know that you don’t respond with text gnatting or emotional displays of
“Where are you,”
“What have I done to upset you,”
or my personal favorite,
“Well if you aren’t going to respond me, I won’t bother you anymore, have a nice life.”
Ungettable Girls do not use texts that involve this attention seeking behavior.
Ungettable Girls get their attention naturally.
Instead, you go about your day. If he responds, he does. If he doesn’t… then he doesn’t. This is where understanding tide theory comes into play. But also, you need to understand that, “Hey” or “What’s up?” Is not enough to get a person to talk to you, much less your ex.
This is why it’s so important to go out and experience new things while your in No Contact. But, I also need to point out that it’s important to keep experiencing new and exciting things regardless of whether you get your ex back. UG’s don’t quit being UG’s just because they got him back. They don’t go back to their old ways, I mean, look what happened.
He has to understand at this point that you are “the world’s most interesting person,” and if he’s the guy that gave you up, he looks like an idiot. But, he also has to understand that any negative behavior he may have exhibited before won’t be tolerated by you. You don’t have time for it, and attitudes like that are a dime a dozen. He can be easily replaced.
This is what it means to get investment from him. How is he investing in getting you back in his life?
How These 3 Factors Work Together?
I said earlier that these factors don’t necessarily follow in sequential steps with each other. They work together in a synergistic way. Now, if your not familiar with that word, let me break that down, because I think sometimes, we think that synergy is about a couple of things working together. That is not wrong. But the idea behind synergy is that components work together in order to produce something that is much greater than the components. So the outcome is greater that the whole.
What does this mean when in comes to Scarcity, Urgency, and Investment?
These are components to a greater whole. And of course, there are components to these three Factors. Scarcity doesn’t work without No Content. Urgency doesn’t work without the idea of Ungettable Girl/Guy. Investment doesn’t work without Tide Theory.
Each of these factors depend on each other to produce the greater outcome, which is getting your ex back.
So how do you become awesome at creating these factors?
You use a combination of No Contact, being the Ungettable Girl/Guy, and Tide Theory when you get to the texting phase.
Imagine if you will, two people that go through breakups with their guys. The first person, gives themselves a day to grieve for what was. Then they make a plan. They want that ex back, but at the same time they realize that they don’t want the same relationship that they had, because it obviously didn’t work. So this person, makes the decision to do a No Contact period away from the ex. This person also makes a list of things they want to accomplish while during this No Contact time. They decide what they are going to learn, how they are going to further their career, and what they are going to see and do that they didn’t get a chance to while they were in a relationship. They also decide it’s time for a new look that they’ve been wanting to try. They get in shape, or they set a new fitness goal. And they make the steps to accomplish those.
During this time, they date, they go out with friends, they volunteer. They socialize and interact with people on a regular basis. And it all gets posted on social media. Pictures of this amazing person accomplishing amazing things smiling and looking happy get put on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. It doesn’t even really have to be on social media. He could here from “a friend of a friend,” that someone saw you the other day and you looked amazing.
Is their ex checking out their profile? You better believe it. Does their ex have a sense of Urgency to get in touch with them and find out what’s going on? Absolutely.
Now let’s take a look at the other person. This person never does or completes No Contact. They text long chunks of text full of emotion that makes their ex not want to talk to them. This person also does not focus on their own growth. They focus only on the negative breakup, the negative emotions they are having, and the negative feedback they are getting from their ex. Their ex, finally, just can’t take anymore. They start blocking this person on everything. Calls get ignored. Phone numbers get changed. He may even opt to move away. And in the end, all this person accomplished was putting that much more distance between them and their ex. No sense of Urgency was created, and no Investment was made by the ex to get them back.
So my question now is which one do you want to be? Do you want to be the one that your ex run and hides from because you project an unstable, negative emotion about you, and the thought and sight of you only reminds them of these times? Or do you want to be the cool, calm, and collected person, that is accomplished, meets or exceeds their goals in life, and is well liked or adored by their peers? Do want to be the total package that lights up the room, or do you want to be the killjoy that people avoid because you only remind them of the broken negativeness in your life, and theirs?
Obviously, you want to be the positive! Misery only loves company for so long, then it leaves.
So how are you going to spend your No Contact? What goals are you going to accomplish? What attributes do you have that make you Ungettable Girl?