When I was in college, I had a friend come to me for advice.
When she finished telling me what was going on, she asked me what she should do.
“It’s simple. Stop chasing after him.”
She was shocked by my advice… She didn’t even realize that she was chasing him.
So how do you know if you are chasing someone or coming off like you are chasing someone?
Sometimes it is hard to know for sure if you are the one doing the chasing. You may be doing it without even realizing it, like my friend that I mentioned.
I know what you are probably thinking…
“If I was chasing, I would know it.”
However, if you found your way here… to this article, I’m willing to bet that there is a little voice in the back of your head that is telling you,
“Maybe… just maybe I am chasing him.”
Okay, alright, maybe it’s not saying that exactly. Maybe it is saying something more like,
“I feel like I’m always putting in more effort.”
Starting to sound more familiar?
No worries! I’m glad you found this article because by the time we get done we will have covered three things:
- The two types of chasing
- How to tell which scenario you fall into
- What to do moving forward
Are you ready?
What is “Chasing?”
First off, what is “chasing?”
If we were to define it, chasing is the pursuit of someone or putting in effort or work to get the attention of someone.
Chances are, if you are aggressively pursuing someone, it will be more obvious to the people around you. So, if someone mentions that you might be chasing your ex… then it’s likely it’s true.
Typically, the person that is “chasing” wants to be with the other person more or considered more “needy.”
Still not sure if you are chasing him and wondering how you can tell?
How Can I Tell If I’m Chasing Him?
There are several ways to get a feel for if you are the one doing the chasing.
Below I made a list of the Top 4 Signs of Chasing for you.
Before we get into that, I want to let you know how I came up with this list. Hopefully, it deters you from wanting to chase ever again.
Years ago, this guy had a crush on me. Let’s call him “Bill.”
Bill had such an obvious crush on me. Why was it obvious, you ask? Because his chasing was obvious. See, if there was the Chasing Olympics, I’m pretty sure Bill would take gold.
When preparing to write this article, I jotted down “signs of someone chasing.”
Almost immediately, I was reminded of Bill and his efforts to win me over. Bill and his chasing efforts are the inspiration for this list.
Don’t be a Bill.
Top 4 Signs That You Are Chasing Him
1. You Initiate Most or All of the Conversations
This is pretty self explanatory. If you are always the one starting the conversations then you may be chasing.
2. You Are Constantly Asking About His Life But He Rarely Asks About Yours
If you are regularly asking him about his day, his work, a new thing he did, his post on Instagram… you get my point, but, he never takes the time to ask about anything new in your life, then you might be chasing him.
3. He Does Not Engage In Conversations or Often Stops Texting Back
If you are having a conversation and he regularly falls off the face of the planet or simply sends a series of one word answers, this is not a good sign and you are definitely chasing. This is often paired with him texting you back several hours to days later trying to pick up the conversation where it left off.
4. When He Does Text Back He Will Often Take a Long Time to Respond as Opposed to Your Quick Response
This is also pretty self explanatory. If he regularly takes a long time to respond, it is possible that you may be chasing. It may also come off like you are chasing if he regularly takes a long time to respond and you always respond immediately.
5. You Gnat Him
Last but not least, you Gnat him. Basically, Gnatting stands for “Going Nuts At Texting,” and is texting someone repeatedly with little or no response. Think about a gnat buzzing around that you want to swat away. If you are texting him non stop, I hate to break it to you but you and your repeated texts, are that gnat, and you are bugging him.
If you want to know a little bit more about gantting and other mistakes women make with their ex, check out this video.
If you are experiencing these things on a regular basis, then it is likely you’re chasing him.
Now, if my amazing list – and let’s be honest, it was amazing – is still not enough for you to determine if you are chasing, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
What if I told you, I could take your phone from you, look at it and tell you with confidence whether or not you are chasing?
No, I don’t have superpowers…
And seeing I can’t actually reach through the screen and take your phone from you, I’m going to tell you what to do.
1. First of all, grab your phone and pull up your conversations with him
2. Then, I want you to look at how much of the screen is represented by you versus represented by him
What do I mean?
Here take a look at two examples:
In both Examples, the texter is blue.
In Example A you can see that the the majority of the screen is blue, meaning that the texter is doing most of the conversing, and most of the effort.
In Example B you can see that there is a fairly even balance between blue and grey, meaning that both people are putting in about the same amount of effort.
…. Do you see where I’m going with this?
Reminder, “chasing” means pursuing someone or putting in effort or work to get their attention.
So, one easy way to tell if you are chasing is to simply look at your conversations and see if you are regularly putting in more work than him there.
The idea is to identify a pattern. if you see a pattern in your texts that indicates that you are doing most of the texting, then you may be chasing.
Now that you have some easy ways to tell if you are the one doing the chasing, I want to give you two situations you may be dealing with. They come from one simple question…. Does he want you to chase him?
1. He Wants You to Chase Him
2. He Does Not Want You to Chase Him
I know, I know, I know. Those were pretty uneventful and may seem a little obvious. But, it is important to distinguish between these two scenarios because they are totally different and the reaction that you are getting from him may be different. So, it is important to have an idea of whether he actually wants you to pursue him or not.
Scenario 1: He Wants You to Chase Him
Why would a guy ever want you to chase him?
I guess this is a good time to talk about the biggest thing a man brings to the room… No, not that!!!
I’ll give you a second to get Beyonce’s song “Ego” out of your head.
Anyways… Men have HUGE EGOs.
After a breakup, whether you did the breaking up or he did, it’s normal for egos to be a little sensitive. So, If you dumped him… POW! It’s a blow to the ego. If you start seeing someone else, even years later, POW! If you pull off No Contact and the Ungettable Girl Methods then it’s likely he might think that you aren’t “that” broken up over the breakup… POW! Yes, even if he did the dumping. And yes, even if he is out partying and acting like everything okay. Even if he is talking to or dating another girl!
You see, everyone wants to feel desired, even your ex boyfriend.
This is why some guys will let you chase them, and chase them, and chase them. It makes them feel desired and reassures their ego that they are wanted. It may even make them feel good to know that they “have” you.
So, how do you tell if this particular guy likes being chased?
How To Know If He Likes Being Chased
Guys that like to be chased will often bait you in with minimal effort texts and then disappear once you are engaged. This cycle will then repeat itself days later when he wants attention or his ego boosted again.
Not sure what I’m talking about, see the below as an example.
This guy will enjoy the feeling of knowing that he has you.
He will often check in, confirm that you will chase him and then when you do, back off. See how he just dropped off and didn’t respond?
What to Do If He Likes to Be Chased?
So you think that your guy likes to be chased and you are wondering what to do?
You need to shift the dynamic.
When he checks in to see if you will chase him, don’t chase him. If you don’t do the chasing, this will force his hand a little bit into having to be the one doing the pursing.
Need an example?
Well, it’s your lucky day! Here’s one using the same example as above.
Notice that this time that the blue texter (you) didn’t pursue as soon as the grey texter (him) checked in. The blue texter also didn’t try to push the conversation. When realizing that it wasn’t going anywhere, the blue texter exited the conversation.
Overtime, this will force him to have to work to get your attention and pursue and chase you instead.
Scenario 2: He Does Not Want You to Chase Him
Scenario 2 is completely different.
Sometimes a guy simply does not want to be chased. He is not checking in or trying to bait you into chasing him.
Instead, in this scenario you are probably checking in on him and chasing him anyway… and he wants nothing to do with it.
Sorry! I know that was kind of harsh but I had to say it.
Some guys appreciate their space and truly find chasing to be unattractive. They like to do the chasing and they hate being chased because it takes away the challenge.
And it’s no secret that men like a challenge.
The point of this tangent is that, some men will not want to be chased by you because they want to do the chasing and they like the beauty of the challenge, so don’t take that away from him.
How To Know If He Does Not Want to Be Chased
So, what does this look like exactly and how do you know if he doesn’t want to be chased?
A guy that does not want to be chased will often be unresponsive to your efforts to chase him or even respond negatively.
Remember, he doesn’t like this so he’s not going to encourage it like the Scenario 1 guys.
You know what, let me show you.
See how this guy is showing zero interest in being pursued? He wants to do the work and you aren’t letting him by doing it for him.
How sweet that you invited him to a hockey game but he probably wants to invite you out when he’s ready.
Secret Scenario 2B
I want to take a moment to really quickly talk about one exception to the above.
If you gnatted your guy, it is very possible that he does not want to be chased for that reason. He may like to have his ego boosted from time to time but he may fear that if he checks in or encourages the chasing that you will gnat again.
If you gnatted and think you fall into this case, proceed just as if you always fell into Scenario 2, whether or not he has wanted to be chased in the past.
Got it? Good!
What Should I Do If He Does Not Like to Be Chased?
I’m willing to bet that you know the answer to this.
If you said “stop chasing him,” then you are right on the money!
Now, it is important as part of the EBR program that you text your ex to build rapport, so it is going to be a bit tricky to strike the perfect balance.
In this scenario it is even more important that each text that you send to your ex has a purpose and is interesting. It is also really important that YOU end the conversations FIRST and at the HIGH POINT.
If you can do these two things, this will help shift the dynamic so he doesn’t feel like you are chasing him.
Should I EVER Chase Him?
Okay, I know I said before that I bet you already know the answer but now I’m REALLY willing to bet now that you already know the answer to this.
Instead of wondering
“Does he want me to chase him of leave him alone?”
Just assume that you should never chase him.
Yes, even if he wants you to chase him.
Will He Notice If I Stop Chasing Him?
Yes, if he has any interest, he will notice.
Now, with every EBR method, it is important to recognize that this is a process and will take time. If you have one conversation after reading this article and don’t come off like you’re chasing him, that is probably not going to do it.
However, over time, he will notice the change.
I will also let you know that Scenario #1 guy is more likely to notice more quickly because remember, he likes that ego boost and being chased. If he is not getting that constant reassurance that you will always be there for him and cue ready to chase him, he will notice.
How to Stop Chasing Him
Alright, so now that we have talked a bit about whether your ex wants you to pursue him or not and the fact that most men don’t find being aggressively pursued attractive, we need to talk about how to go about pulling back. Because, lord knows, there are definitely wrong ways to handle it.
- Dropping of the face of the planet
- Announcing that you are done
- Being indecisive or a pushover
And you find yourself wondering if he will even notice if you stop chasing him.
What Happens If You Stop Chasing Your Ex All Of A Sudden?
Okay, first let’s talk about dropping of the face of the planet. There is only one time that dropping completely out of contact is really understandable… can you guess?
Yep! It’s right after the breakup when you begin No Contact.
Because you just went through a breakup. It makes sense that you would need to take some time to yourself.
Now, yes, we do have situational exceptions for which we have laid out extensive game plans. Think about it. You have been chasing and chasing and chasing without letting up since the breakup and then suddenly you just stop.
What is your ex going to do if he likes you chasing him.
HINT: we talked about it earlier.
That’s right! He’ll engage just enough to keep you chasing, but won’t ever give you what you want… to get back together.
What do you think he’ll do if he doesn’t like it?
He’ll pull a Houdini of his own and end up even further away.
And that is something you don’t want.
What Happens If You Make a Big Announcement That “You’re Done!”
Let’s be honest… if you are thinking about doing this, you are hoping to scare him into chasing you back.
It doesn’t work that way.
He might react the way you hope at first but have you ever been given an ultimatum? Generally, even if you do what the person doing the demanding wants, you end up resenting them for it.
Is that really how you want to get your ex back? Do you really want him resenting you for the rest of your relationship, however long it lasts?
Being Indecisive Or A Pushover
Chances are pretty likely that he will engage enough to be polite or keep you hanging on to stroke his ego.
If you stop chasing him you have to be prepared to stick to it. Don’t just roll over because he responds once or twice. And definitely don’t start gnatting or chasing again just because he showed a slight interest.
How And When To Stop Chasing Your Ex
Well, the best time is always RIGHT NOW.
You’re probably asking yourself,
“But, if I’m not just supposed to drop off the face of the planet, how am I supposed to go about this?”
Well, my friend, you are going to want to do it gradually.
First of all, stop messaging or answering at night and on weekends. He shouldn’t take precedence over your sleep or your weekend plans. (Even if you are just Netflixing, just let him think you are busy. Trust me.)
Secondly, you are going to stop flirting with him. Just quit it. He’ll notice and the first place a guy’s mind goes when a girl stops acting interested is…
“Holy crap! She’s found someone else!”
Thirdly, maybe once every other week, or even every third week, send him something you know he won’t be able to resist responding to. (Check out our articles about reconnecting with your ex. They have some great suggestions for how to write engaging texts OR The Texting Bible)
Lastly, when he reaches out, don’t flip out and respond instantaneously.
The idea here is to gradually pull away and leave him chasing you.
The Break Down Of This Article
Yeah I know this article was pretty information-heavy. Just remember that chasing is pursuing someone or putting in effort to get someone’s attention. The general idea is just to stop trying so hard.
Now that we have that out there, I want to do something for you. I want to discuss your specific situation in the comments below. Let me know:
- A little bit about your breakup
- How long you have been chasing your ex
- What methods you will be implementing after reading this article
Hopefully, we can give you a little EXTRA insight on what you should do moving forward.