Women who often come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery want results as fast as humanly possible.
Results = Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back
And in today’s day and age it makes sense.
We live in a society where all you have to do when you have a question about something is to whip out your phone, type a search into Google and BAM there is your answer.
Now, the interesting thing about this is that when it comes to finding the quickest way for getting your ex boyfriend back I have always been in the camp that this isn’t something you can rush.
In fact, I have found a correlation between going to fast in getting an ex back and a high rate of failure.
High Rate Of Failure = Not Getting Your Ex Back
Nevertheless, I want you to know that I understand your pain more than any expert out there.
I understand that right now you don’t give a flying f*ck if you take the patient path.
You want results…
And you want them fast…
And that’s why I put together this article.
I want to show you the fastest way that you can get a successful result.
Will this be a magic phrase that you can say to your boyfriend to make him have a sudden epiphany?
No, I am not into that.
As I am sure you know, “magic phrases” don’t work.
What works is… Well, I am about to show you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHow Fast Can You Expect To See A Result With The Method I Am About To Teach You
I am going to get a little “business like” for a moment here.
One of the interesting things I have learned about the visitors of this website is that there is typically a 90 day window in which they are interested in getting their exes back. After that 90 day window they aren’t that interested anymore.
Now, you may be sitting back and wondering,
How the heck did he figure this out?
Simple, this website ultimately started out as a place where I wanted to help people. However, in order to do that the best that I could I had to start hiring people.
- I had to hire a designer…
- A customer service rep…
- Someone to help me answer comments…
- A writer to produce more content for you…
All of this stuff costs money.
Hence, my passion project turned into a nice little business which I monetize with this book.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow, every business wants to find the best way to maximize profits and I am no different.
Luckily for you, I have found the best way to maximize profits is to product killer content that helps you.
Of course, in my research I also noticed that hardly anyone ever buys after 90 days.
Hence, I came to the realization that after about 90 days people lose interest in their ex for one of two reasons,
- They failed to get their ex back
- They actually got their ex back
So, what does this knowledge teach us about situations in general.
Three months seems to be the cutoff point for how long it should take to get an ex boyfriend back.
I am sure there will always be outliers that will skew the data but for the most part this is the average we are going to use going forward.
Now, you came here because you want to get your ex boyfriend back as fast as humanly possible.
And I have already established that this isn’t something you can rush if you want to see positive result.
But let’s look at this in another way.
If you were to take the overall strategy that I teach women,
What would you do to tweak it in a way so that you speed it up significantly while at the same time retaining it’s effectiveness.
(Oh, and if you have no clue on what the graphic above means don’t worry, I will explain it all to you later.)
Hmm… that is one hell of a question.
Well, I think the smart thing to do before we start tweaking things is give each one of the components in the picture above a certain time allowance.
Basically, taking each component and explaining how long it will take to complete.
Let’s do that now,
For the sake of this article lets assume that you max out all the days that I have listed above.
If you do that then using the method I normally teach it should take you around 87 days to get your ex boyfriend back.
(Keep in mind that these are estimates and that everyone has a unique situation that may take them shorter or in some cases longer.)
Now, here is the good news.
We can definitely significantly shorten this method up.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIn fact, the more I eyeball this the more I think that technically you can get your ex boyfriend back in 38 days without losing too much of the effectiveness of the method that I teach.
And that’s what I plan to show you to do by utilizing this schedule,
Again, if you are confused by this don’t worry, I will be going in detail for you later on.
Now, before we get started there is one thing that I want to discuss with you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizDisclaimer- Faster Isn’t Always Better
Essentially what I am trying to do with this article is merge two opposing ideals.
Generally speaking trying to get an ex back quickly doesn’t yield the best results. In fact, you will find that every strategy you try will be a little less effective the more that it’s rushed.
And yet here you are.
I mean, “how to get your ex boyfriend back fast” is one of the most popular searches in Google.
Which means that I have to find a way to merge these two opposing ideals for you.
Ideal One: Getting An Ex Back Fast
Ideal Two: A Strategy That Is Effective
And I think I have done it.
Seriously, I am not one to bullshi* you.
And I am about to prove that fact as I tell you this next statement.
The strategy that I am about to present to you is not the most effective strategy for getting your ex boyfriend back.
In fact, I would say that sometimes having a bit of patience and seeing things through the right way (aka the slow way) will yield better results.
I felt it would be wrong of me to explain this fast strategy to you without first explaining that.
Now, if you are interested in the full strategy then I suggest you check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.
That epic read has pretty much everything you want out of a “get your ex back” book.
Ok, now that we have that out of the way let’s begin with the “fast strategy.”
Fast Strategy Part One: The No Contact Rule
For those of you who aren’t paying attention that is this part of the strategy,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow, you may notice that the no contact rule has a timeframe of 21 days.
Some of you may see that and be shaking your heads.
After all, the name of the game here is to get your ex boyfriend back fast, right?
Ya, about that…
Out of this entire “fast strategy” the no contact rule is the one component that is non negotiable.
In our independent research using women just like you we have found that the no contact rule has been present in over 70% of successes. Ironically, the most non negotiable component of the strategy also takes the longest. But it’s important to remember that this is by design.
Now, some of you may be sitting back and wondering,
“What is the Gatsby Method and The Holy Trinity there on the no contact rule graphic above?”
Well, those are very important concepts that you are going to utilize while you are in the midst of a no contact period.
Unfortunately, I am going to keep those a secret from you.
I have to keep something for my paying customers 😉 .
But don’t worry I’m not going to leave you crying in the rain on my doorstep,
Allow me give you a quick overview of what the no contact rule is.
The No Contact Rule- A period of time (21 days) where you are going to ignore your ex. If he reaches out to you then you ignore it. If you feel an urge to reach out to him then you don’t do it. This is radio silence and you better abide by it. Of course, there are certain conditions where you can alter the no contact rule (read about them here) but those are pretty rare in most cases.
Now, the no contact rule is one of those rules that I always get push back on so I am going to give you a brief synopsis of why it works.
Generally most experts out there will tell you that the no contact rule will increase the chances of your ex boyfriend missing you. However, what they won’t tell you is that they don’t understand WHY it increases your chances of making an ex miss you.
The no contact rule utilizes something called psychological reactance which basically states that when a human being has a fundamental freedom that they fell is being threatened they will react in a way to attempt to get that freedom back.
In other words, by removing the freedom that your ex has of talking to you, your ex is more likely to react in a way to get that freedom back.
But believe it or not I have found that this isn’t the most effective part of the no contact rule.
One thing you have to understand about breakups is that your body is literally going through similar withdrawal symptoms that a hardcore drug addict would go through.
Oftentimes trying to get an ex back when you aren’t at your best is not the smartest way to approach things.
And this is why I say the no contact rule time frame is non negotiable.
I need you to be the best version of yourself if you are going to have any type of chance of getting your ex boyfriend back and in order for you to accomplish that you need time.
Second, I need you to feel more confident with yourself.
If you read PRO, you will notice that I am very big on self improvement during the no contact rule.
Why?
It’s simple, I want you to be very confident by the time you are ready to talk to your ex boyfriend.
The Short Version Of What You Need To Do In This Step
- I want you to do the no contact rule for 21 days.
- I want you to really work on doing things to improve your life during this no contact period.
Fast Strategy Part Two: Texting
You will notice that the texting portion of the strategy is where things start getting sped up pretty significantly.
Usually the texting portion of the strategy will last 14 days.
However, since we are trying to get a positive result as soon as possible we are going to recommend that you only engage in the texting strategy for 7 days,
So, how is this going to work.
Well, I am really big on this idea of “tide theory.”
Tide Theory: Slowly but surely increasing the frequency and intensity of the text messages you send to your ex boyfriend.
But how should you properly implement this in just seven days?
Great question.
Now, before I map this all out for you I want to reiterate that I generally have a much less aggressive schedule for getting an ex boyfriend back. However, since the name of the game here is speed I have gone as aggressive as possible with this.
What I’d like to do for you is take you through each texting day and give a brief explanation of what you are trying to accomplish.
Now, one thing I do want to say here is that I am not going to get overly technical with this.
I have created numerous texting guides and have even written an entire book. Instead, I am going to give you the big picture game plan.
In other words, it’s your job to fill in the blanks.
Day One: First Contact & Engaging In A Small Conversation
The important thing to remember here is that you just ignored your ex boyfriend for 21 days. It might be a little weird if you just texted him out of the blue with something like this,
Which is why I recommend sending a special type of text message immedately after the no contact rule.
I call this text message the “first contact text message.”
Now, I’ve talked a lot about this text here and here.
And after a lot of refining I have really identified the fact that first contact text messages really only require three things to be successful.
- Knowledge Of Your Exes Likes And Dislikes To Create A Theme
- A Story
- An Action Phrase
For example, I recently conducted a live coaching session with a woman who asked a very simple question,
“How do I handle the first interaction with my ex boyfriend after the no contact rule?”
And I walked her through this exact process. In fact, rather than reading it here it might be easier to watch the whole session to get an idea of how to construct a perfect first contact text message,
In fact, after our session had concluded she actually put her newly formed first contact text message into practice and got a pretty awesome result,
But what do you do after you send the first contact text message?
Well, generally I say to leave it at that.
In other words, end the conversation immediately. Of course, we are in a unique situation where we have to be a bit more aggressive.
So, in this case I want you to engage your ex in a conversation. Don’t go overboard with it. The idea is to just get him used to talking to you.
That’s it.
This isn’t meant to be an all day/all night conversation where you are trying to accomplish everything overnight.
Day 2: Build Rapport & Dive A Bit Deeper In Your Conversation
Rapport is something that you are going to hear me talk about a lot.
Rapport is defined as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.
Without rapport no attraction can be built.
You see, a lot of people think attraction just falls out of the sky magically but if you really stop to think about it you aren’t going to be truly attracted to someone who you have no rapport with.
I’ll give you an example.
One of the worst dates that I have ever been on in my life was with a girl who I couldn’t seem to establish any rapport with.
I literally remember trying everything to get her to respond to what I was saying but there was simply no luck.
I would tell a joke and she wouldn’t laugh…
I would tell a story and she wouldn’t seem engaged…
No matter how hard I tried we just weren’t able to connect.
No rapport was built therefore no attraction was built.
I want you to think of rapport as a foundation for building attraction.
Hmm… Perhaps I should get visual with this,
Once rapport has been successfully built with your ex you can use that rapport to build attraction. And we all know that once enough attraction has been built your ex boyfriend will take actions to make things official with you again.
At least that’s what we hope happens 😉 .
But it all starts with rapport.
So, how do you build rapport?
Well, I dive into this a lot more with my Texting Bible book but here is the gist of what I want you to do, find your exes hot points and go to town on them.
I’ll use myself as an example here.
I am a huge fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer,
Every other year (usually around October for some strange reason) I re-watch every episode from start to finish in all it’s glory.
I know…
I know…
It’s kinda girly for a macho man like me but it’s a tradition that I hold strong to.
And it just so happens that this is the year that I am doing my great Buffy marathon.
(Yesterday I just hit season 3!)
Now, here is the thing.
No matter how hard I try to get my wife to watch it with me she won’t. She has preconceived notions about the show (which I will admit I used to have UNTIL I WATCHED IT.)
Anyways, let’s live in fantasy land for a while and say that my wife wanted to find a great way to build rapport with me.
Well, Buffy is one of those hot points that I will automatically open up to.
Plus there is that shock factor that she put in the time to actually watch Buffy if she were to send me a text message like this,
Human beings are wired to search for connections and since Buffy is one of my favorite shows this is something I could absolutely connect to.
In fact, I wish she would send me a text like that.
I feel like we would have an amazing conversation just based off of that.
Establish that connection, building rapport off of it… that’s what we are looking to do here.
Now, once you do start building rapport with your ex boyfriend I want you to keep the conversation going a little bit longer than you did when compared to day one of this process.
I hope you see what we are doing here.
Essentially every day we are getting deeper and deeper into texting conversation with your ex boyfriend.
Day 3: Break
“Break” simply means that you aren’t going to be texting your ex boyfriend on this day.
This is only for one day and it’s meant to break things up so he won’t catch on to the pattern of texting that we have established.
Of course, let’s play devils advocate here and pretend that you decide to do your break on day three but he texts you with something like this,
Are you supposed to ignore it?
Absolutely not…
This isn’t the no contact rule.
Really the only reason I put day three as the “break” is if YOU are the on reaching out. If he reaches out then that’s great progress and you shouldn’t do anything to interrupt that progress.
Day 4: Build Rapport And Conversation Lasts Even Longer
This is simply a re-hash of day two.
Of course, the only main difference here is that you are going to try to extend the conversation even longer than you did on day two.
Again, this plays into this idea of slowly but surely increasing the intensity and frequency of the conversations.
Now, there isn’t too much “new stuff” I can add to make this day stand out.
Instead, the “new stuff” is going to come with day 5.
Day 5: Begin Subtle Flirting
Flirting through text messages is a little difficult as you don’t have some of the most powerful weapons at your disposal.
What do you think I mean by that?
Well, science has proven that one of the most effective ways to flirt is by not saying anything at all.
It’s by having the correct posture, making the right type of eye contact, working in gentle touches and so on and so forth. Of course, we are at the texting stage here so we can’t exactly do these kinds of things.
You do have something that will make his mind do most of the work.
Here’s what I mean by that.
One thing I know about men (because it’s true for me) is the fact that I am very visual.
Words are powerful, yes, but pictures are even more powerful to me.
I mean, I could attempt to explain the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen with in my life with words but do you think that will ever be as effective as showing this picture,
Well do you?
Of course not!
(FYI, that is a real picture I took above in Maui, Hawaii and is the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen.)
The same principle applies over text messages.
I can sit here and tell you to,
“Send this exact text or say this exact thing.”
But it usually won’t evoke the kind of emotional impact that you are looking for when compared to sending a picture.
Of course, you know what is even better than a picture?
A video!
So, try this tactic on for size.
There was a study done in the 70’s where scientists found that when someone does a favor for you it makes them more likely to do a favor for you again.
This is interesting because common sense says says that if someone does you a favor then you are more likely to do them a favor in the future.
The opposite is true of course and we are going to use this to our advantage in a flirty way 😉 .
So, here is what I want you to do.
With your phone, I want you to record a quick 30 second video of yourself looking as sexy as you possibly can asking for a really simple favor from your ex boyfriend.
Here are a few great examples of favors I would recommend,
- My internet is not working. Can you tell me what time (X) comes on?
- Jennifer and I are having an argument over (X) can you settle it for us?
- Can you tell me I am not crazy for loving (X)
We are doing this favor technique for a few reasons.
Firstly, if your ex boyfriend does the favor for you it will raise the chances that he will do another favor for you again.
Secondly, we are priming him to talk on the phone with you.
Even though you are sending him a video he will be hearing your voice and that is a good thing as you will find out in a few days.
Day 6: Slowly Ramp Up Flirting
Essentially you are going to do more of what you did on day five during day six. However, the big difference here is that you are going to do more of it.
Don’t go overboard but maybe you can make a few videos of yourself and send them your exes way.
Remember, men are visual.
Day 7: The Transition Text Message
Day 7 is all about “the transition text message.”
Now, if you are about ready to jump off a cliff in confusion let me stop you.
When I refer to “transition text message” all I am talking about is the text message that you send to your ex to get him to talk to you on the phone.
What if I told you that I had found a very clever way in which you can transition from text messages to phone calls.
Would that be something you would be interested in?
Of course it would.
So, here is what you are going to do.
And in case you caught a sudden case of the “can’t reads.”
The template above needs to be strictly followed if you want to pull off a successful transition.
Step One: Start Texting Your Ex A Story
Step Two: Interrupt The Story
Step Three: Ask For Transition
Here is how that is supposed to look.
Let’s say that you started a story by texting your ex something like this,
To which your ex responds,
It’s at this point that I want you to interrupt the story and ask for a transition. That looks like this,
Do you see how it works?
Now, the only downside of this method is that you need to have one hell of a story to tell your ex when you get on the phone with him.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizFast Strategy Part Three: Talking On The Phone
This is where I think your biggest disadvantage is for rushing the process.
Why?
Well, you only have three days left to convince your ex boyfriend to see you in person. Of course, we aren’t going to ask him to see you in person just yet. However, everyone knows attraction has to be built before you go on the date with your ex for this to even work.
Three days isn’t a lot of time.
Luckily, you have my brain working overtime for you here.
Here is the template I want you to follow for these three days,
Why do you think I am putting such an emphasis on time?
Well, if you are an avid reader of my website then you would know that I am a big believer in something called the interdependence theory. Essentially this theory explains why human beings commit to one another based on three main factors.
Satisfaction (Meaning they will commit if the person satisfies them)
Alternatives (Meaning they think they think that you are the best and there is no one out there better.)
Investment (Meaning they have dedicated a lot of resources to the relationship, time, money, etc.)
Which of these three components do you think we are attacking with phone calls?
Well, with text messaging we were attacking satisfaction and alternatives by building rapport and attraction.
Phone calls is all about investment.
Right now the more time that you can get your ex to invest with you the better.
That’s why each day aims to make him stay on the phone longer.
Of course, if you really have things firing on all cylinders you will also satisfy the other components. However, investment of time over the phone is the number one predictor on getting a yes on the date but more on that in a second.
Let’s take this day by day.
Day 7: Transition Call 25 to 35 Minutes
We are picking up right where we left off.
Remember the transition text into the phone call?
Well, I want that phone call to last anywhere from 25 to 35 minutes.
Why so short?
Well, in addition to being a big believer of the interdependence theory I am also a big believer in the zeigarnik effect.
What’s that?
Oh, I am so glad you asked.
The Zeigarnik Effect of ZE (for short) basically states that human beings remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.
In other words, the more you can hook your ex boyfriend into a phone conversation with you and then abruptly end it the more he will crave to talk to you again.
It’s the same thing as creating an open loop or an unanswered question.
Except we are doing it on a much smaller scale.
So, just to give you a visual this is what you are looking to do,
Again, you are abruptly ending the conversation between the 25 minute and 35 minute mark.
Day 8: Phone Call That Lasts An Hour
The name of the game is to get your ex boyfriend to invest as much time as possible with you over the phone.
If you can get him to do that then you are in a really good spot for getting him to commit to you.
Of course, just because this section is entitled “phone calls” doesn’t mean that we are going to throw texting out the window completely. I still want you to build rapport and attraction.
After all, the more your ex texts you the more time he is investing in you and that is a good thing.
But in addition to all of the texting I want you to hop on the phone with him again.
Except instead of hopping on the phone for 25 to 35 minutes with your ex boyfriend I want you to make the phone call last an hour.
Now, if you are sitting there wondering why there is such a big time difference here I would like to remind you that with my normal strategy I would like to have a few more conversations on the phone around 25 to 35 minutes to really hit that zeigarnik effect home.
Of course, we are strapped for time since we are looking at the fastest method possible.
So, stay on the phone for an hour with your ex.
Day 9: Phone Call That Lasts An Hour And A Half
In addition to getting him to invest more time with you (30 more minutes as compared to yesterday) you are going to have another goal in mind here.
Dating.
Generally speaking, you can’t get your ex boyfriend back if you don’t see him in person. Of course, we have the typical gender roles to contend with here.
It’s easy for men.
Men just have to ask a woman out.
But it’s unheard of for a woman to ask a man out?
Actually… that’s not entirely true.
Women drop hints.
Hints that they hope a man will pick up on his own.
And usually that is enough to get him to ask you out. Unfortunately, one of the disadvantages of speeding this process up is the fact that you don’t have time to wait around for him to pick up the hints.
That’s why I am going to recommend something unheard of.
I want YOU to suggest a date.
I know…
I know…
You are going to have to take a moment to let that sink in.
….
So, while you are taking a moment I would like to tell you a story.
Many of you may not know this but before Jennifer and I got married we were in a long distance relationship. Of course, before that we were just two strangers talking over Facebook and then eventually over the phone.
Of course, when we both took a liking to each other which of us do you think asked to see the other first?
She did actually.
Now, your woman logic makes you think that, that is too strong of a move. However, I found it to be incredibly hot. I liked that I found a woman who wanted to take charge.
It also took the pressure off of me.
Now, I am not saying that you ask your ex out on a date. I am simply saying that you suggest a date to him.
Of course, in order to know what date to suggest we have to jump a little ahead and talk about the dating section.
Generally I am a big fan of women going on three dates with their ex before a commitment is made in a relationship,
- A Small Date
- A Medium Date
- A Romantic Date
Of course, we aren’t in the business of being politically correct here since we are trying to speed this process up which is why I am only going to recommend that you go on two dates with your ex,
- The Small One
- The Romantic One
In other words, all you have to worry about right now is suggesting the small date.
I am going to suggest a cup of coffee.
So, at some point during your one and a half hour conversation with your ex I want you to suggest getting a cup of coffee and plan a date if he accepts.
Once you have done that we can get to the fun stuff.
Fast Strategy Part Four: The Two Dates
I am going to switch gears a little bit here.
I have already discussed the idea behind going on two dates instead of three.
But how do you act on these dates?
If the idea is finding a way to make your ex boyfriend fall in love with you how do you do that?
Great question!
Luckily, I have an answer for you,
Utilize scientific insights to get him to fall for you again.
Believe it or not but when scientists studied what makes human beings fall in love they found some really interesting discoveries,
- Similarity Is Important
- Reciprocal Affection
- Physical And Emotional Arousal
- Readiness For A Romantic Relationship
Let’s take a deeper look at these discoveries.
Similarity Is Important
Opposites attract, right?
WRONG!
Research suggests the opposite. And it makes sense. I can’t tell you how often I have muttered the phrase,
“Human beings are wired for connections.”
And part of connecting with someone is finding out the areas where you are similar.
I am much more likely to open up to someone who is a fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer because I have a huge connection to that show.
So, how does this apply to your dates with your ex?
Well, I want you to emphasize your similarities.
If you both love golf then talk a bit about golf.
If you both love politics then talk about that.
Similarities rule!
Reciprocal Affection
This one is easy to understand.
Someone is more likely to fall in love with you if they feel loved back.
Part of the problem that my clients have is that the no contact rule (assuming they did it correctly) has taught them to not show affection. However, the opposite is true on the date.
You need to show affection towards your ex.
Look, don’t go overboard just give him signs that you are interested.
Touching is great for this.
A slight touch of the hand…
Making a hug last a bit longer than normal…
All of these are excellent examples.
Physical And Emotional Arousal
This is really interesting.
And arguably the most important concept to hit on.
Any type of situation that affects us emotionally is more likely to make us fall in love.
Weird, right?
Take this famous study done by Dan Ariely,
“We did this one funny study on music,” Ariely says. The study compared how attractive audience members rated musicians before they started playing compared with at intermission.
“And what we found was that everybody got a big boost, aside from the drummer.” (Drummers did get some boost in their attractiveness ratings, but not as much as the rest of the band members.)
Why does this happen? Ariely thinks it might have something to do with “misattribution of emotions”: “Sometimes we have an emotion and we don’t know where it’s coming from, so we kind of stick it on something that seems sensible.” In other words, your strong feelings about the music might make you think you’re having strong feelings about the lead singer.
In other words, if you put your ex in a situation where he feels something positive he could stick that emotion on to you.
This concept can actually apply to something as simple as television shows.
If you couldn’t already tell I am a huge Buffy The Vampire Slayer fan.
No, fan doesn’t quite explain it. I am what you would call a super fan!
If you didn’t already know Buffy has 7 seasons.
Now, each and every season has it’s moments.
However, after watching every episode multiple times (believe me I have done it.)
It’s clear that some seasons are better than others.
Of course, do you want to know which seasons rank the highest in my humble opinion?
It’s always those seasons where something happens that affects me on a deep emotional level. Without a doubt the seasons where that happens multiple times are the best.
(Hint Hint: Season one is not one of those types of seasons.)
Anyways, the point I am trying to make here is that if you can arouse your ex in a positive physical or emotional way then you are going to be in a good spot.
Readiness For A Romantic Relationship
Is your ex ready for a romantic relationship again?
Well, if you followed my plan above then he should be.
Mic Drop,
Shiida
July 31, 2021 at 3:46 pm
Hello, my ex called for the first time since I started NC, he called on the 19th day of my NC with an unknown number and I took the call, when i figured it was him, i kept the conversation short, he said he hasn’t been seeing or hearing from me, that I just went MIA, and I said, something like “that’s nice, take care” and I ended the call, have I ruined NC?, should I continue the NC?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
August 6, 2021 at 11:53 pm
As you didn’t know it was him calling you have not ruined NC, but I would suggest that you now complete a 45 day NC rather than a 30 day nc. Continue from day 19
Shiida
July 8, 2021 at 2:35 am
My ex broke up with me 5months ago and I’d spent those 5months talking and pleading with him to change his mind and he’d told me he doesn’t love me anymore,that he still remembers my smile, the peace he had in my arms, that he’s also hurt too and all that, I came across your site 2 days ago and I started the no contact rule immediately, will it still work?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 11, 2021 at 10:08 pm
Hey Shiida, yes but you need to stick with your NC and be strict with it. You do not reply to him no MATTER WHAT he says. Unless he says that he wants to get back together, nothing else warrants a response from you for 30 days.
Bardcore
August 3, 2019 at 7:16 am
So I followed this advice with a man and had two more beautiful years with him, which has ended today.
We’ve both been suffering from mental illness and working on managing them. However his depression is much more major than mine, so I can’t imagine the struggles he’s had since losing his job early this year. Since then I was effectively supporting him, which he felt guilty about and I got resentful about. It’s been really tense between us these past few months and effectively felt like breakup purgatory, which, I guess I’m relieved that I don’t have to guess when it’s coming.
We both cried and hugged each other, and he talked about how, with every major relationship he’s been in, he always feels trapped at some point, even though I was the best girlfriend he ever had. He also added that he does love me and felt so guilty about not contributing to the relationship. I told him that he made me feel alone a lot in our relationship and he felt awful about that. He’s also said he’s more than willing to keep teaching me to drive and that I can lean on him whenever I needed (we had this discussion while cuddling and crying…it was gut wrenching). I’m planning on moving out by the end of the month and plan on enacting no contact when I get home.
I guess my questions are: can we recover? And how should I approach this situation due to the added spice of mental illness?
Apparently it’s a ritual now after my break-ups to come on here and vent. I accept the fact that we may be better off not together, but dang, we really were great at communication and supporting each other. We pushed each other to try to be the healthiest, best versions of ourselves but we’re also wildly different people.
Thank you for your insight.
Rima Banerjee
April 8, 2018 at 4:47 am
28March, When my bf was returning from his office party I casually made a joke whether he performed with any woman or not. He became rude and blocked me on whatsapp. After one day I tried to contact him but he blocked my number also. I sent him near about 500 messages .He didn’t give any reply and blocked all of my friends number.After 3 days he unblocked me , told that reason he broke up with me was our mentality doesn’t match. But I noticed he didn’t want to end the contact with me. By I ended begging and pleading him. And now I am in my NO CONTACT PERIOD. It’s the 5th Day of my NO CONTACT PERIOD. He hasn’t sent me anything on whatsapp till now. What should I do now ????
Chris Seiter
April 10, 2018 at 3:59 am
You should continue doing the no contact rule like it’s intended!
Littleturtle
September 11, 2017 at 12:22 pm
Thank you for this article! I’m actually playing the longer game, but I read this to find out if there is a way of speeding up the process because I’m off on holiday for a fortnight in a week’s time.
I have some questions. I successfully completed 30 days NC and I’m a much improved version of myself. I initiated text messages according to the guides and he has responded VERY positively. He absolutely hates talking on the phone (and did when we were in a relationship – he hates it with his family etc) so I don’t think I can generate positive influence there.
I had to see him at a mutual friends event at the weekend and I was light, positive and enjoyed my evening. He was very receptive to me so I arranged the small date – coffee this week. I also have to see him at another friends mutual event at the weekend and it’s another chance for me to dress up and have fun around him. Between these and the text messages I think I’m on the right course. I then go on holiday for a fortnight which feels like bad timing!
My first question is – he told me he’d message me to properly arrange the coffee, which is 3 days away, so I should wait for him to message me first right?
My second question is this – who suggests the romantic date? Does it have to be him? He’s not a very forward person so I’m unsure if he will suggest it. Do I drop hints about somewhere I want to go and hope he picks up on them? Or do I suggest the romantic date too?
Finally – is the fortnight gap a problem? I will continue with the text messages as I’m with my family and I have wifi. Or will I have to start with the small date again and rebuild it back up before the romantic date?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2017 at 1:10 pm
Did you have coffee? The romatic date is when you’ve already built rapport and attraction that a romantic date just happens naturally..most of the time, the guy just asks you to go out because there’s attraction starting to build again..if you’re going to ask, just ask casually..dont say it’s a romantic date.. Dont rush.. After everu date you have to continue building rapport
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 21, 2017 at 5:53 pm
Yes, I did. I haven’t reached them that’s why it says awaiting moderation.. I’m not sure though why it disappeared.
For me, you should move on because you’re just putting yourself in a more hurtful situation for you. But if you really want that, just tell him. Talk to him that you’re ok with that..
Although I really don’t agree with that, because that’s like devaluing yourself. But if that’s what really makes you happy, and you’re not hurting anybody else, then tell him. If he doesn’t want to talk to or doesn’t want that, then start the no contact period and then slowly rebuild rapport after.
Samantha
January 23, 2017 at 4:13 pm
Hi Amor,
My boyfriend just broke up with me on Saturday after us dating for 9 months. He broke up with me because each time he took hours to reply to my messages or pushed our plans to another day I started an argument. I accepted the fact that I ruined it with me neediness. I had two ex-boyfriends who were emotionally abusive so now I let that ruin the best relationship I’ve had. Four hours after the break-up and him saying that we do not have a chance to get back together he wrote me. He said that he regretted the decision and needed time to think rationally about it. I still have a bit of hope but I think in the end he will say no… I’m so sad because we were really great aside from the fact that I was so needy. Is it possible that I can get him back or did my clinginess end it?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 24, 2017 at 12:31 pm
Hi Samantha,
I think there’s still a chance because he’s still confused. Approach it like the advice in this one:
How To Prevent A Breakup With Your Boyfriend When You Know It’s Coming
Tanya Smith
January 8, 2017 at 3:58 pm
Hi there,
I just wanted to get some advice on my situation with my ex. I messed up on the no contact rule and there has been on and off contact and even sex after the break up. We have spoken on and off but he mostly ignores me and when we do speak he gets frustrated and angry a lot. He was using a lot of passive aggressive actions online to try and get me jealous and even admitted at one stage to feeling hurt and wanting to get revenge. The last time we spoke he said that he is still attracted to me physically and cares about me deeply but does not want a relationship with anyone. I feel that he is scarred from relationships due to our break up. He left our relationship because he felt rejected and that i was not into him as much as he was which is not true but the damage and confidence was already bruised.
We broke up 3 months ago but this was met with a lot of push and pull and conflicting from him which confused me a lot. He still sounds conflicted and i have noticed his interaction with other females has increased. Although he tells me he is not with anyone and just wants to focus 100% on work, i have my suspicion he maybe sleeping with someone.
I wanted to get some advice how to improve this situation as i am worried because i have made so many mistakes already maybe i have ruined my chances.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 8, 2017 at 10:12 pm
Hi Tanya,
if you keep doing what you’re doing, you keep getting what you’re getting.. if you’re going to do the no contact rule again..stick to it and change genuinely
A
January 6, 2017 at 3:10 am
It has been almost 3 months since my ex boyfriend decided to break up with me. I did implement the NC rule which did work as I received many messages, phone calls, and even him showing up to my house. My NC rule lasted for about one month. Since the break up, we have hung out, stayed the night with each other, spent the holidays together, hooked up, said “I love yous”, held hands, pretty much so everything that two people that are in a relationship would do. I had “the talk” with him about a week ago and he told me that while he still has feelings for me, still loves me, and wants me, he just doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I asked him why he didn’t and all he could respond with was he just doesn’t want one. He hasn’t posted anything on social of us, no statuses, no photos, won’t friend request me on FB, and neither will he follow me on IG. The only logical explanation I have is that he is trying to keep his options open. Should I keep waiting and hoping that things will change or is it time that I move on and cut my losses?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 7, 2017 at 4:03 pm
Hi A,
Move on A. If you stay after he said that, that means it’s ok for you for him not to commit.
Therese Lopez
December 27, 2016 at 2:17 pm
Hi Amor,
4 months have passed by since I first shared my story here on exboyfriendrecovery site. For info, I undergone a “45 days no contact rule” with my ex, we started talking again and progress thru texting for 2-3 weeks and just recently we shifted to phone calls. We usually talk for about an hour or two if we do have time since were also busy with work. Honestly I’m the one who made the first move changing text thru calls, I told him I badly need a speaking partner for my IELTS exam and he was kind enough to help me. So mainly for the past 2 weeks of having a phone conversation, we only discussed about work and how I should pass the test. Literally, we never talk about our previous relationship but the other day he made a weird call, basically this is the first time we talk about how our lives has been for the past months and I told him I’ve been doing great – I engaged myself to the gym with some friends, I told him how happy my life was looking back. I asked how is he doing as well, he told me he is still on the hunt of getting hired, he told me he spent his entire time at home gaining skills and knowledge to finally nail an upcoming interview but he failed to do so. He also made a revelation dropping a bomb, He ask me if I still remember the girl I always overly get jealous with. I told him “who?”, he answered “that girl”, I replied “yes, so what about this girl?”. He told me everything that all the accusations and gut feeling I felt towards them are all accurate. He just felt really bad confronting me about it before because of the untimely situation. I inquire if they’re already together but he told me he don’t know because they don’t have a label yet. I asked him, if they said I love you to each other but he never respond, I told him “well just tell her I’m sorry for all the stupid things I did to her in the past. Tell her I totally regret what I did, sending her that nasty messages before I was just overwhelmed with my emotions” (Btw this new girl is also living in the same country in where I live, so basically they’re also in LDR just like us before). I ask him if the girl knows he’s helping me, he said yes. So I was like okay – I tried my best to keep it cool, he even told me he can’t wait to talk more interesting things about us like “who we dates” and It felt really awkward that very moment. Sincerely, I just realized that my feelings towards him is still there and I hunch as I experience the pain again. He said he was going to call back but I was the one who ended the call first and I don’t have any plans to start a conversation with him just yet. Surprisingly last night, he gave me a call. He sounded really down and was asking an agreement from me, he told me he’s going to help me leave the country in one condition, to tell him how it feels like living here. I ask him why all of a sudden with this question, he told me he was suspecting something with the girl’s intention towards him, I ask him if did they had a fight, he told me no. So I was like as a friend I’ll be there willing to listen to all his problems and interact with him very well. Before the call ended, he told me seriously to think about the deal, I said I’ll reflect about it first. He sent me a message after the call discontinued but I didn’t bother to read it, only after 3 days, I made a response sending him my Christmas greetings reassuring I’ll also be with him ready to assist him if he has problems, feeling down or need my advice. After I sent the message he immediately called me and I gladly pick up telling him “Yes I’ll accept the deal”. We had a very nice and short conversation that time and as usual he initiate to put down the call, I ended the call first. As of this moment I stalked his new girl’s Facebook account, I found out they’re not friends anymore. Is this a good sign Amor? What should I do?
Thanks Amor I’ll be pleased if you’ll make a reply. Happy Holidays!
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 29, 2016 at 11:43 am
Hi Therese,
for me that was right because you took the high road, butI think you should focus more on taking about other things next time.. it’s ok to talk about who dates who sometimes but when
you’re building attraction, you don’t talk about that often
Therese Lopez
December 22, 2016 at 3:44 pm
Hi Amor,
Its been 4 months already since I wrote my story here on exboyfriendrecovery site. I already did 45 days no contact rule, talked to my ex for the first time thru text and just recently we started talking over the phone. We were mainly talking about how I would pass the IElTS exam and achieve a bandscore 7 in the IElTS speaking section since I badly need a speaking partner and he was kind enough to help. We did talk twice already that lasts for about an hour and a half. Earlier we did talk but not about the exam, we talk about our life in general and before we end the call he dropped a bomb telling me about the girl I got very jealous with before we broke up, confirming me that yes both of them are still in contact up to now. I was shocked that he opened the topic first about the past, I was asking him if they were already together (btw we are in an LDR status same with the new girl he was with now ) he told me they never have a label. I was asking him if the girl knows we’re talking he said yes. Me hearing all of this, I cant help but just feel really sad and all of a sudden the pain that I went thru before comes back again realizing that all this time I’m still hurting on the inside but my response to him was very lively telling him to tell his new girl sorry about what I did to her before (I sent the girl nasty messages during the time me and my ex was on the works to reconcile or not) I also tell my ex to tell her I say Hi then I ended the call first. What should I do Amor? He told me we can talk tonight to continue our talks and mainly share interesting things like who we date topic and it feels awkward since I know I’ll be caught off guard and cant help but feel down again. Thank you Amor awaiting for your reply
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 27, 2016 at 1:45 pm
Hi Therese,
for me that was right because you took the high road, butI think you should focus more on taking about other things next time.. it’s ok to talk about who dates who sometimes but when
you’re building attraction, you don’t talk about that often
Raven
December 16, 2016 at 11:45 pm
I don’t know what all is needed to be said to get the help I’m looking for, but I’m on a time limit. My boyfriend broke up with me the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. I asked to talk in person the following Saturday. But before I get into that, this is the week before:
Thanksgiving week was the same as any other week. Busy with family events, and we still had time for us. We even tried to be intimate that Saturday, before we were interrupted by his low blood sugar. Despite that he still wanted to satisfy me, though I declined. Saturday evening he became very distant. Which typically means something is bothering him, but he isn’t a big sharer. I wrote it off as his normal winter blues he gets every year. Sunday he was even weirder at my family’s Thanksgiving. We normally text everyday, and that Monday he didn’t text at all. It got me thinking more. So I typed up this message:
“I’ve thought a lot today about my most recent behavior and I realize it is not the best. I recognize that I have been selfish and it ends now. I want to focus on you and your happiness more than my own. I would like to go visit your nephews and nieces on the weekend when ever. I always wanted to give you more space, because I feel like this routine we have isn’t working well. I decided that this Saturday was the last time I am late due to things in my control. I’ll put less makeup on or do whatever it takes to get there on time. I regretted telling you to sit with me when you finally had time with your nephews, and I’m sorry for that. I want both of us to me on the back burner, I will take care of me, but put your happiness first. I’m going to have a heart to heart with Kirsten and fix that, and I am going to let all of the stupid shit go. I’m sorry I let it go like this this weekend, and I hope you allow me to prove that I can change for the better.”
He prefers conversations like this in person, so I saved it to my notes, and was going to give him his space and wait. I did take action and bought a coupon book, with our names, characters, and coupons for things he likes (foot rubs, movie nights). I did this to be more spontaneous and show I did want to be less selfish. However, before I could talk to him (which would have been Thursday), he sent me this message:
“I have something on my mind. It took me some time thinking of what I wanted to do.
I can’t continue on in our relationship. I’m not happy and it’s my turn to make me happy instead of me making others happy. I may have said we were okay but I didn’t want to sit and talk about it or work it out. Bowling with t&k irritated me a lot. Being late to Thanksgiving dinner at my grandma’s was an issue. Along with being late to all evemts. I’m always early to them. When we started dating you told me to give you a time to leave so you can get ready and be on time. You haven’t showed me that yet. Dinner at mom’s. You jumped in the shower when everyone was getting there and took time getting ready. It made people really irritated. When I came home from hookah and went to bed really irritated me. I would just doze off and you would lay in top of me with your butt in my face. Your legs kept moving closer to my face. I would push them back down and they would move back up. It happened for about 15 minutes and I finally couldn’t do it. That’s why I went to the couch. When you asked me to sit in the house and spend time with you instead of going outside and playing with my nephews. I don’t see them or play with them much anymore. I went to hookah Friday night and sent you a text. Apparently you didn’t get it. We had that last talk in March and things got better but the last few months i feel were decreasing. I need to be by myself and do the things I want to do. I can’t do this anymore.”
This came out of nowhere. He invited my dad to his family’s thanksgiving that week and to their christmas. Which is the first for that. Our sex life was normal. So I requested to talk on Saturday. And I thought long and hard, reading articles, talking to my family, and his. Everyone was shocked. So Saturday I had a game plan. I wanted to convince him to just take a couple months break.
When Saturday came though I changed my mind. I had told him I wanted his happiness, and that if me stepping out of his life is what is needed to be done that I would do that. That we could still be friends in the future. We talked for an hour and a half. Laughing, smiling, sharing stores, and a small portion was focused on us and his choice. He said he still loved and cared for me, that this past weekend’s sex wasn’t some last time thing to get some before hand. He has always been respectable, and kind. He barely looked me in the face, and he seemed hesitant when he left my car. He did say he wanted to break up, and not do a break like I jokingly said as it came up. He was surprised I didn’t cry, and didn’t expect me to tell him I respected his choice. We did talk about hanging out as friends in the spring, and I joked about us dating people who wouldn’t approve. And he implied that we may end up being together. That night he got the coupon book, and I was told it made him smile and say he wished he had gotten it while we were together. We were together for over 2 years, we had an almost break up in March but we gave it another chance, and it was for different reasons. It did improve. Otherwise everything has been great.
My trinity of wealth, health, and relationships is great minus what happened. I just got promoted at work, paying debt off, hanging with family and friends, repairing relationships, getting rid of people that are negative, I’ve lost some weight, and have become happy with my body. I started the no contact rule after that Saturday. I texted him Goodbye after he left my car, because we had always said later because goodbye meant the end of things. He responded with a Drive safe since it was snowing, and he always did that when I went driving.
His family has told me he has pushed everyone out, he recently lost his job, and his family is worried. They said he leaves the room if I am brought up in conversation, and he hasn’t taken our photos down or touched any of my stuff in his room. Part of me feels like something bigger than our relationship was bugging him. His the middle son, and his older brother just got his first job that he loves (he used to hop jobs a lot), and his younger brother has moved out for a while now. He wanted to have us live on our own separately for a year before moving into a place together. He wanted to be married around 30 and once we even shared names for kids which we both liked each other’s ideas. Once he even said that I was everything he wanted and needed in the woman he wanted to be with, and that was in January!
My concern is that on January 14th I’m going to his family Christmas party. I can’t not go because my niece and nephew will be there. I have enough time to start the texting process but seeing him then seems like it messes the dates and phone calls up. Help! Also I have 19 days of NC left. I’ve read your book, ebook, and the ungettable girl book.
Raven
December 31, 2016 at 12:36 pm
I will be in the texting phase this Monday and the event is 12 days after that. How do I handle the meeting him if I haven’t gotten to the phone calls part?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 1, 2017 at 6:02 pm
just be polite and casual. initiate a talk but don’t linger too much. Mingle with othet people
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 20, 2016 at 1:08 am
Hi Raven,
Calm down first and don’t rush or over think.. It looks like he got tired. He wouldn’t be able to enumerate those moments if it didn’t really irritate him. When did you start the count of the no contact rule? Because if the event is on the 14th, then that’s just a month or less of nc.. It means you haven’t started the texting phase yet. It’s ok to talk about that event only during nc, but make it only about that. Be friendly on the event but don’t be too friendly. What’s more important is that you really show you’re not going to contradict his decision because you chose to move on.
Niki
December 11, 2016 at 12:25 pm
Hello, So my ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago, he said he wants to be free and is not ready to have serious commitment…he also said that he doesn’t know what he feels anymore…he is a very unstable person at times… after that we did not contact each other at all for 15 days…after that I sent him a message sayin that I wanted to talk if he could come to my house….he came and he kept sayin the same thing. As I was desperate I said I was dating someone and if he didn’t want me back I’d go and date that person…he got really affected by that… he asked if we already had something going on…after that he kept his decision of being single and I said that if he left he would never see me again….he was VERY undecided but left….3 days later he sent me a message sayin that I should be with someone that makes me happy cuz he doesn’t…..what that means? If we already solved everything personally??? Why he sent that message 3 days after?
Niki
December 13, 2016 at 7:16 pm
It’s hopeless…I should give up, don’t you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 14, 2016 at 11:01 pm
Try doing the no contact period first and focus in healing and being active.. Then slowly rebuild rapport after that. If it doesn’t work, then move on.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 13, 2016 at 7:04 pm
Hi Niki,
Because it’s human nature that he will still miss you, but that doesn’t mean he would you back right now.
Patricia
December 5, 2016 at 8:01 pm
My boyfriend and I were together for 7 months. He asked for a break three weeks ago and we haven’t talked since. It was like he completely dissapeared. I haven’t called or texted him at all. A few days ago, he sent me an emoji, which I didn’t respond. What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 8, 2016 at 10:35 pm
Hi Patricia,
Why do you think he asked for a break? If it was just a break, then I think you can talk to him now.
Samantha
December 4, 2016 at 8:07 pm
hi,
Me and my ex boyfriend broke up 3 months ago and its been very complicated. He broke up with me only 5 days after I moved to a college 3 hours away saying that long distance was just too hard or whatever. 3 days after the breakup I came home and we had a closure type of conversation where he said it was nothing against me and he just didn’t want to do this right now. He said I could still call him anytime I wanted to talk and as we parted he said don’t worry this isn’t the last time you’ll see me. Ill be coming home for winter break and he had said to definitely text him when winter break came and we would see. I was absolutely crushed that we broke up and didn’t understand why he did it but that last in person convo we had really seemed like we could stay friends. So I went back to college and successfully completed 1 month of no contact, during which he never reached out. When no contact was over I reached out and he responded very well. I reached out to him twice and both times were very positive and then he even reached out to me once and we had a convo that seemed like old times. Things seemed to be going good. Then only a week after he reached out to me and we had a good convo I tried reaching out again but this time he was totally cold to me only responding in one words. I was very surprised because this was the completely opposite of the conversation we had just had a week earlier. It upset me. Then the next day he texts me! He was asking me a question and I answered it and all i got was an “ok thanks”. I responded asking “why” inquiring why he was asking me and he just read and ignored my text. Suddenly things seem cold between us and i don’t know what happened. He reached out to me and things were all good but then a week later he doesn’t want to talk to me at all??? Its been three weeks since this sudden change happened and since then he deleted a picture of me form his insta, doesn’t like my photos anymore and unfollowed me on a art account I have. I really miss him not just as a boyfriend but as a friend and it really bothers me that things seemed to be going so well but then suddenly for no apparent reason he wants nothing to do with me. I don’t understand it. Im scared to reach out again because I don’t want him to ignore me again but even if I did I wouldn’t know what to say. Im coming home for winter break in a week so should I reach out like he told me to three months ago when we broke up? I know that there are some girls that he’s been talking to but he hasn’t been in a relationship since the breakup and it doesn’t really look like he’s heading toward any right now. He’s single and I’m coming home so I don’t understand why he’s suddenly so against me. We had a great relationship and we both definitely loved each other. Im a very forgiving/easy going person so even though I want us to get back together I honestly could totally just look at him as a friend if it meant he’d still be in my life. I confused why he suddenly doesn’t even want to seem friendly with me. I just really miss him but I don’t want to seem pathetic. Any ideas for whats going through his head with this sudden attitude change toward me? And what should I do from here?
Please help! Thanks!
Samantha
January 2, 2017 at 6:02 pm
Hi, So I came home for winter break for about 2 weeks now and Ive seen my ex around town a few times (very briefly every time and I’m not even sure he saw me each time) but he knew I was home and didn’t reach out. I was kind of hoping I would run into him somewhere and that would be when I would ask him to grab coffee or something so thats what I was planning to do. Then 5 days ago the most random thing happened. One of me and my exes mutual “friends” (Im not still friends with her but he is) from high school prank called the both of us with a blocked number. This girl dated him years ago and it wasn’t serious but she’s always been kinda sketchy around him even while we were dating. She called him pretending to be me crying and then hung up (i know very mature) and so he got in contact with me to figure out what was going on. So we were texting figuring out it was just a prank. Since he had started the contact and I didn’t know if id be running into him any time soon I just decided to use the opportunity to go for it and I said I was sorry if he hated me (because things seemed negative between us recently) but just because we broke up doesn’t mean we have to ignore each other. He kept saying that he doesn’t hate me and then I brought up how he had ignored my text the last time we had contact over a month ago and he said it was an accident even when I insisted that it was okay if he did. At this point i felt like negative air was cleared up and I figured what the heck and I just went for it and told him that maybe this is weird but he doesn’t have to be such a stranger and if he ever doesn’t have anything going on he can do something with me because I said I had no hard feelings. He responded saying maybe he’d take me up on that and that he’d let me know. The conversation was ended with a thumbs up sent from him. I felt good after the convo ended but I’m not sure. I haven’t heard from him sense. Did I mess up here? It felt good at the time to just be bold and extend the invitation to hang out but looking back now Im wondering if it was too weird or if I scared him away even more. Also what about his response? Was it positive or was he just being polite? I guess I’m wondering what you think on this whole situation and how it played out. Do you think things are headed in the right direction because at the point I’m not sure what to think. What do I do??
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 5, 2017 at 11:34 am
I think it was a positive response. I think you could start a conversation a day or two after that.
Samantha
December 15, 2016 at 8:31 pm
So what do I do from here? How do I get him to want to be friendly again? Our relationship ended because I moved away not because of anything specific that happened during it so I feel like if we just spent some time together those feelings would resurface. But what can I do now? We haven’t seen each other in three months. Should I just give him space while I’m home the next month? Should I casually run into him somewhere? should I reach out? Im willing to do whatever as long as it could get him back
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 17, 2016 at 12:32 am
just initiate a text first once you’re home.. like, just for example,
Just got home and when I passed by our usual hang out, it really felt i’m home..how are you?
if he didn’t reply, let it be for now.. greet him on christmas day if you want..if he still didnt reply, then you’ve done what you can for now.. dont chase are you home just for the holidays? because if that’s the case, that can be a reason why he doesn’t want ti be friendly since you’re still going away
Samantha
December 6, 2016 at 12:36 am
We were together for almost 1 1/2 years. The whole time we were together he was super devoted and seemed like he really wanted to keep dating all the way until the day I left. He was crying when I left for college. Then suddenly 5 days later he dumped me completely out to the blue. It made sense to know one and everyone was shocked. Honestly I was pretty depressed for awhile after the breakup but within the past month or so Ive been better. Now I don’t feel depressed but I still miss him everyday. I haven’t really been clingy or sad during any contact with him, Ive tried to seem the exact opposite. Why would he want us both to move on? Is there even hope? I really miss him and I really just feel like he needs to be in my life…its just like a gut feeling.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 9, 2016 at 1:50 am
Because he was being cold even if after good conversations. It’s like he doesn’t want it to progress. If you want, try to invite him when you’re already there, on the day itself. So, that he doesn’t have much time to think and say no. Make it casual and light.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 5, 2016 at 3:08 pm
Hi Samantha,
how long were you together? It seems like he wants you both to move on.. How much did you improve during and after the no contact rule? I don’t think you should inform that you’re home in winter break right away if he’s being like that.
Jenni from November
December 2, 2016 at 5:03 am
So, I sent a message in November about my ex with extreme depression.
A lot has happened since then, but also not much.
He came back to me about two weeks ago saying he realized what he lost without me and wanted to be with me again. I accepted him and we’ve been…( together….?) since then.. but.. not good.
At first, he was making the changes we needed. He talked to me a bit more, like sending good morning messages to me, and he checked my social media pictures every morning, which was a clear sign to me that he cared and wanted to see me.
At first he said he was still unsure of how he felt about me and didn’t trust the situation between us, but after a night of some sexual exchanges over the phone, he began to feel better (naturally), and started saying he loved me again. This didn’t make him love me but it allowed him to feel something other than his depression for once, which allowed those feelings to come to the surface.
He even sent me a few pictures of himself despite how he hates seeing himself and hates people seeing him. This was my golden sign that it would be okay.
His depression has been swallowing him whole though. Today, and the past several days or so now, he has stopped doing what he started doing. He said he just doesn’t like talking to people. He didn’t used to be this way, not as extremely. He said now that its better, he stopped trying. I expressed pain over him not talking to me for the past few days and he started saying how things aren’t working and that it’s a sign that “living life like other people do just isn’t for him”. He means that talking to people and doing anything social just doesn’t work for him. But I know its the depression talking.. However his parents refuse to get him medication so he feels hopeless. He said he is convinced that he can’t feel happiness anymore.
We will be seeing each other January 11. During the time since he came back but before he stopped his efforts, he said he missed me and that he really wanted to be with me, just to get a hug from me would mean the world. I’m afraid that he is giving up again, but me pointing that out makes him mad.
I know this is a difficult situation but I’m willing to pull through. He hasn’t left again yet but he said he doesn’t want to talk for a few days.. I’m hurt and afraid and I just hope he can be okay. I want us to be okay and I know we can be, he just has some mental issues to work through. Which isn’t easy at all but as long as he is willing to try it’ll be okay.
This brings me to my current issue. I feel that talking on thephone ( he is extremely against talking to anyone on the phone, it’s one of his issues) would be beneficial to him and us. He used to absolutely love and even need to talk to me on the phone and Skype and all. But since the depression, he’s isolated himself and even goes to the point of creating this negative stigma about talking verbally because its difficult for him to talk to people at all.
I keep telling him it would be good and that all he has to do is try, but he hasn’t been very receptive.. I just know it could mean the difference between making or breaking. What do I do?
Jenni
December 2, 2016 at 11:59 pm
I sent him messages today explaining that I’m here for him and how I care about him a lot. He said yesterday that he was upset and didn’t want to talk for the rest of that night or today. He’s probably going to be gone all weekend too. He said he wants to be alone in his own little world but he knows that eventually he’ll realize he messed up a lot and he’ll miss me. He said he’s sick of having to deal with people and having people expect things of him. He wants to be able to do what he wants whenever he wants on his own volition, he doesn’t want to be obligated to do anything for anyone. But he misses me and wants me in his life, but then doesn’t want to do things that keep me there.
He hasn’t read my messages. I’m hurt that he is distancing from me again. I don’t want him to hurt himself and isolate himself.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 3, 2016 at 3:26 pm
I think you need to stop thinking that he’ll hurt himself and stop treating him like that because it makes him feel weak.. Let him be.. He’s old enough to handle this..he wants to grow, be alone, so let him..
Jenni
December 2, 2016 at 8:12 pm
We’re both juniors in highschool. His parents think his depression is for attention, they don’t think he needs medication despite both him and his doctor telling them he does. His mother thinks meds do more bad than good which isn’t right.. I want to lay off asking him to talk on the phone but I have a strong feeling that it could help him and its the only thing out interactions are missing. Since were long distance talking on the phone and Skyping was always important to us, but since his depression he’s been against talking to anyone on the phone, including me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 8:25 pm
You can’t control him, you can only control yourself.. So, if he doesn’t want a call, make the most with texts.. And be a good example, live and grow individually
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 6:48 pm
Hi Jenni,
how old are you both? Why cant he get his own meds? I think you need to lay low on pushing a call because you’re going to look like you’re not listening to whst he wants or doesn’t want and you just keep pushing what you want.
Rosella
December 1, 2016 at 1:20 pm
Hello,
Me and my exboyfriend we’vebeen dating for 2years and 6months. but we broke up 1month ago. I’m now on my 10th day of no contact.
He was so distant before we broke up. always outside and returned home late. First, he was always with her cousin eating at the restaurant, drinking till late at night. I was always upset due to our work we couldn’t find time to meet each otherand seem to be distant. I was the first one who broke up with him because i was so angry he didn’t even bother to ask my day when i was ill. (my mistake i know)then 3days later he didn’t call so i called him, asked why he didn’t even contacted me (as the first time he did that, usually even the smallest thing we argued he always the one who wanted to fix things between us). shortly he said he wanted to be alone. he said there’s no one he likes, he just wanted to be at peace no responsability and even he told me if i found someone else it’s ok for him. i was hurt. so i gave him space but i broke it and asked him by chat if he’s still llove me and i can’t do it anymore and i want to give up on him then he asked to meet me. he was so sweet when we met and told that he now thinking to go with the flow. and because ego hits me that time told him that for now i was also like him going with the flow, then told him that someday if we still like each other maybe someday. then after that we were still chat each other.. till i felt that he was so distance and became colder than before, that he even only sent me goodmorning and goodnight message etc. so i broke it. i told him again i couldnt anymore that i give up on him. then i gone with the no contact till 5 days later he deleted all our pictures on facebook and added a girl he liked long time ago and he was with her before our first break up happened, he even invited her to his birthday.. then at his birthday i called him crying.. he was so cold. i can’t even remember what he said. but only one i know he doesn’t want to be with me, and told me his loss not mine that i shouldn’t be crying. i asked him why this happened and he said he didnt know with sad face. he always told me that he didn’t know why, he was just wanted to be alone.. etc.
then i hung it.. and go to no contact. now it is 10days.
i tried my best not to contact and stalked him but 2days later i was curious and stalk him again. he likes her pictures of this girl, commenting etc.
i don’t know what to do. will he come back? why is it that he moved on so fast? why ? ;(
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 12:47 am
Hi Rosella,
YOu have to be actively improving yourself during and after no contact. I think he’s in a grass is greener syndrome. Check this:
The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends
Blue
November 30, 2016 at 2:40 am
I have been with my boyfriend (let’s call him R.) for 5 years. It’s a LDR, we live 2 hours from each other. We used to meet every week, spending all or half day together; we sometimes traveled together. He paid for everything most of the time: movie tickets, restaurants or gas if we traveled. We contacted mostly by email; sometimes text or phone. R usually sent me 3-5 emails a day, he usually called me first, also several times a week. Everything was well, we argued rarely. The most serious argument we had over year ago, when he complained I spent too little time with him & threatened breaking up because he wanted ours dates to be longer. When I promised to be longer & kept my word, he was wonderful to me again.
So, everything was normal until about 6 weeks ago. So, we had a date during weekend & it was great like always. Next we had usual emails exchange: R like always told me about his work, daily activities, he send lots of loving smiles to me. Then day later silence, I sent him emails, text ( 1 daily) & he didn’t answer for 3 days. Then, R emailed me in the last moment he couldn’t see me during weekend. Next week passed with fewer emails, his sent me weird responses: sometimes I had impression he didn’t read my emails or didn’t care. Then, he sent me text on Sunday if I could have a dinner with him. I agreed although I was already at the party. I met him & immediately started demanding responses why he behaved so weird way, didn’t answer phones, rarely emailed etc. He was nice to me, we had date as usual but I had feeling something was wrong, he was uncomfortable, maybe it was due to my behavior. For next few days he was emailing me rarely, didn’t see me next weekend, but when I asked R. in one email how he was it started a flood of emails between us. He sent me 12 to 15 emails a day for next few days; he lost his job, was financially broke, in debt; we talked about our daily activities again, it was like in old days or even better. Then we set up a date (I asked first). I drove 2 hours to his house. When I came I saw how bad he was; R. always liked to have a full fridge and pantry, now it was empty; he always had bottled water in the house, now he had none. He was sad. I started questioning him again why he avoided me. He asked me then if we could start meeting every other weekend. I exploded & yelled at him it wasn’t relationship if he wanted to see me rarer, I demanded explanations, asked R. if he wanted to break with me. I showed my anger, demanded honesty. Then, I didn’t know it was my last date with R. It was weeks ago.
After this we emailed to each other, I expected to see him in 2 weeks(our new pattern). His emails seemed cold, very short. I even tried NC for one day & he answered me first. Then, when the weekend came, he called off our date, telling he’d be out of town ( no reason stated). I sent him email where I wrote the following: asked why he avoided me, if he wanted to end it or maybe he had other issues that affected our relation; I told him my heart was still for him but if it was the end I wanted him to tell me so.
So, I haven’t hear from R. since I sent him this email (3 days). I wonder if it’s over. Should I try NC for few weeks or so. I read about the rules of NC here on EXR. So, Say I stop contacting my boyfriend for few weeks or so. But what if he never answers?
Blue
January 17, 2017 at 11:43 pm
It’s has been over a month since I heard from my boyfriend last time. I applied a NC really well. I sent no emails ( we mostly communicated by emails in the past), no texts, no calls, not “liking” his posts on FB. But my boyfriend has not contacted me either. Last time, when I contacted hm (by email) was over 5 weeks ago. It really bothers me that he didn’t try to reach to me any way. Today, I saw he deactivated his FB profile, wonder if it means anything. I was able to look up his facebook friends who keep their friends list public & I saw he is not on there; so seems that my ex didn’t deactivate his account because of me. BTW, he did this in the past & then activated FB account again.
I was waiting for my ex to contact me first after of NC. I really didn’t want to do this first, because he was the one who broke our relationship. I really didn’t want to look like the one who does the chase or is too needy.
I was very busy during NC, going back to old friends & spending more time with my nieces; Xmas kept me busy too. I kept posting on FB, so my ex could see it too until yesterday.
So, I wonder, should I just move on, or should I try to contact him? The truth is, I started missing him,but again it’s so hard to initiate a contact with a man who broke with me, barely answered my emails after break up & now has ignored me. I’m just afraid that he has moved on & will never answer me or if he answers, he might just friend zone me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 18, 2017 at 4:57 pm
set a limit until when you would wait for him to initiate,but if you want to initiate, check this one:
EBR 043: How To Handle The First Date With Your Ex Boyfriend
Blue
December 9, 2016 at 3:31 am
So, 3 days after my boyfriend called off the date (almost 2 weeks ago)I sent him an email asking causally how he was doing. He didn’t answer but next day he liked the my Facebook post. I waited 4 days, sent him an email & he answered wishing me happy b-day, I didn’t answer him. But I waited 2 days & then emailed him asking how he was feeling after some minor surgery I knew he had, he answered this time; we exchanged some causal emails. When I asked him in my last email if he was working this day (he still has one part-time job), he didn’t answer me. It’s been 2 days I haven’t heard from him. BTW, he doesn’t answer any phone call since things started changing between us over 7 weeks ago.
Is it time to try a NC? Should I try the faster route & go with 21 days of NC, or maybe longer?
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 12, 2016 at 5:50 pm
Yeah, I think it’s time to do the no contact rule now. I think you should do 30 days.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 30, 2016 at 7:52 pm
Hi Blue,
I think what he needs right now is support.. Try that first, if it doesn’t work out, then go for the no contact rule.. Be respectful when trying to help him.. Be understanding. Try to search for job posts that he can try to apply to.
monica gomes
November 29, 2016 at 7:28 pm
I and my ex were in a relationship for past 3 years. Now suddenly in the month of Sep he told me he cant move forward as he feels his family wont accept me and being in a relationship would impact his career(hes pursuing MBA in a different state). Until oct end, I tried talking to him,begged him and even went to meet him but he didnt showed up. I decided to go on a no-contact since nov1 after going through Chris’s article and even purchased ex-boyfriend recovery pro. My ex-boyfriend is a tough nut to crack. Today,im on my 30 day of no-contact period.He didnt try to text me or call me in this no-contact period. I’ve become the ungettable girl. I wanted to ask shall i send him my first text message tomorrow. I would appreciate your advise.
monica
December 22, 2016 at 3:06 pm
Hi Amor,
I guess my comments are getting deleted.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 24, 2016 at 7:39 am
nope sorry..I just haven’t reached them yet.. yes, wait a week.. if it’s really apparent that he’s just ignoring you then you have to move on
monica
December 21, 2016 at 4:14 pm
Hi Amor,
I guess my comment got deleted, so im reposting my comment .
I sent him a text 4 days later just to ensure that hes safe. I didnt get any reply yet. I’ll wait for a week to initiate contact again. Am i going wrong anywhere? I would appreciate your advise on this.
monica
December 21, 2016 at 1:04 pm
Hi Amor,
I initiated contact 4 days later just to ensure that he is safe. I got no response. I’l wait a week for initiating contact again. I would appreciate your advise on this.
monica
December 14, 2016 at 12:09 pm
Hi Amor,
Im on my 44th day of no-contact period. The part of the city where he is currently pursuing higher studies is hit by cyclone and floods past 2 days and it has devastated that city badly. Yesterday i was very much worried about his safety and i called him ,he didnt receive so i dropped him a text message asking about his safety. I didnt get any reply. I hope he is.
I dont know but did i ruin my chance of getting back with him.i would appreciate your advise.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 14, 2016 at 1:19 pm
Not really, maybe they just don’t have signal. Wait a week before initiating again.
monica
December 11, 2016 at 5:35 pm
Hi Amor,
Im on my 41st day of no-contact period. Im very much nervous on how to initiate contact on 45th day. He didnt try to text or call me in this no-contact period. But 1 thing i realized about myself in this no-contact phase that i was needy and desperate. Also,i worked on myself and became ungettable girl. I hope he would reply to my text and i’l build rapport slowly. I would appreciate your advise on this.
monica gomes
December 3, 2016 at 3:25 pm
Hi Amor,
I dont know maybe my comment got deleted. Im reposting here
I changed my whatsapp profile picture and set my best picture in great outfit as my whatsapp dp day before yesterday.
Yesterday he changed his whatsapp pic and set a great picture of him playing cricket.
I just wanted to ask is it going our way
Or has he moved on?
I would appreciate your thoughts on this.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 3, 2016 at 3:50 pm
Don’t overthink..he might have done that because he justs wants to or he’s mirroring your actions
monica gomes
December 3, 2016 at 4:09 am
Hi Amor,
I changed my profile picture on whatsapp and set a best picture of mine day before yesterday. Yesterday he changed his profile picture on whatsapp which he hadnt changed from long back. I dont know what it indicates. But is it going our way?? I would appreciate your advise.
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 3, 2016 at 3:50 pm
Don’t overthink..he might have done that because he justs wants to or he’s mirroring your actions
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 29, 2016 at 9:55 pm
Hi Monica,
Actually I think you should extend to 45 because you begged for a month.. One month of rest is like, kind of predictable that you would reach out.
Emily
November 27, 2016 at 9:30 pm
Hi, me an my boyfriend broke up just over a week ago. Throughout the relationship he often said he didn’t want to be in a relationship but that he really loved me and we were together for 3 years. When he broke up with me we’d had a fight and he said he didn’t love me anymore and that this was for the best. The next day I went to see him and he said he couldn’t talk right now and that he needed some space and said that he needed to do this. We still have eachother on all social media and he has watched all my snapchat stories. Last night my parents went to his house for a party. My mom said he spoke about me for an hour and said he was finding it hard, his sister also told my mum he’s still in love with me. I am really confused as to why he has broke up with me if he still has feelings for me. I haven’t spoke to him since apart from one text message letting him know I had sang on stage and he replied saying amazing. I am going to continue not to contact him but I’m not sure if it will effect him as he said he didn’t want a relationship? and as he said he thought it was for the best I’m worried if seeing me get on with my life through social media is only going to reinforce that and make him think he made the best decision for the both of us.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 28, 2016 at 8:10 pm
Hi Emily,
he lost attraction with you? There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but if he lost attraction with you, then chasing or staying friends right after the break up will not help