By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 27th, 2021

Did you know that you can tell a lot about your ex boyfriend based on his body language?

Seriously, the body language of an ex who is “into you” will be slightly different than an ex who is NOT “into you.”

Now, I am the first person to admit that I don’t have a degree in psychology or the study of body language but I like to think I do know a thing or two about how to perceive a mans body language.


Well, because I am a man and while this may not be the case across the board I link to think that my body language is comparable to other men’s body language.

Specifically your ex boyfriend.

So, when I combine my own personal knowledge of men with research from highly respected outside sources about body language you are going to get a very in-depth and insightful guide about how to dissect your exes body language.

Here is what this page is going to go over,

What This Page Covers

attention please

It’s funny, when I started looking around for other articles on Google covering body language and ex boyfriends I found the typical results.

Slideshows with little explanations…

Poorly written short articles…

Forum questions with unthoughtful answers…

Articles covering unrelated topics…

My point is simple, the results that Google is serving on this topic are not what a woman in your position is probably looking for.

Sure, every once in a while a result from some highly touted psychology website is ranked but even the articles there are super boring and UN-personal.

I know what you want.

You want a guide that decodes all the intricacies that go along with your ex boyfriends body language and how it relates to what he is thinking.

Well, look no further because I have the guide for you.

I have divided this comprehensive guide up into three main sections,

  1. Face
  2. Body
  3. Positioning

Within each of these sections I am going to be decoding all the types of body language that is associated with the section. For example, the “Face” section is going to include the following types of body language,

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  • Smiling
  • Kissing
  • Eyes

The “Body” section will include,

  • Crossed Arms
  • Hugging
  • Weight Gain

And finally the “Positioning” section will include,

  • Mimicking

The whole purpose of this guide is to give you incredible insight into your exes body language so you can further understand what is going on in his mind which can help you win him back.

Let me talk a little about that now.

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Body Language = Insight Into Your Exes Mind

body language

You may be wondering why it is so important to understand your exes body language.

Well, the truth of the matter is that it is very important.

Have you ever played poker before?

Well, if you have then I am sure you have heard the term “poker face” and no I am not talking about the Lady Ga Ga song.

Poker Face- an impassive expression that hides one’s true feelings.

Sometimes trying to understand your ex boyfriend is a lot like a game of poker where he has a long lasting poker face on at all times.

Of course, just like in the game of poker your ex boyfriend will have certain “tells” that allow you to understand when he is bluffing or in this case allow you to understand what is really going on in his mind.

These “tells” are his body language.

For example, if your ex boyfriend says that he has no feelings for you anymore then you are probably going to be disappointed and a little hurt by his statement.

However, lets say that after the breakup you meet your ex boyfriend out for a cup of coffee one day and the cup of coffee ends with him tightly hugging you and kissing you passionately.

Well, in this case his body language is telling a different story than what he told you initially with the “I have no feelings for you anymore,” isn’t it?

In this example, his body language was clearly stating that he still has feelings for you.

It served as insight into what was really going on in his head.

That is why I like comparing body language to a poker tell. You can really get a gauge on whether or not your ex is bluffing when he says stuff to you or he means it.

I want to give you one last scenario before we get into the meat of this article.

Lets take the same example that I gave you above and alter it slightly.

So, we still have the ex boyfriend telling you that he doesn’t have feelings for you anymore but instead of the coffee date ending with a passionate make out session it is going to end with him sitting far away from you, leaning away from you, never smiling at you and not even touching you at all.

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What is his body language telling you at this point?

Probably that he isn’t too interested in you anymore.

So, in a strange way body language can tell you a lot about a person.

Things that, that person isn’t willing to verbalize.


face meme

You can tell a lot about a person by the expressions they have on their face when they talk to you.

For example, if you are talking to someone and they look disgusted in what you are saying you can probably tell that they look disgusted by the expression they have on their face.

In this section I have divided the face up into three main categories.

  1. The Smile
  2. The Eyes
  3. Kissing

Remember, the entire purpose of this guide is to help you understand your ex better from a body language perspective.

So, lets get right to it.

The Smile


I want you to imagine something with me for a second.

Imagine that you and your ex boyfriend are out on a date.

What’s the date?

Lets say that the two of you are eating at a restaurant. At the restaurant you are enjoying each others company and you tell him an interesting story that makes him smile. Upon seeing him smile you think to yourself,

“Wow, I think he is really into me again..”

Exciting times, right?

Eh… not so fast.

Lets back up and dissect that smile.

How do you know if his smile was real or fake?

I am a guy and I can tell you that I have without a doubt faked a few smiles in my life to avoid awkwardness.

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In fact, I think the last time I did it I was in a very uncomfortable situation where someone told a joke that I didn’t think was funny but I smiled and laughed anyways to avoid any awkwardness.

What if your ex was doing this to you?

What if he really didn’t think very highly of you on the date but he was just smiling to avoid any awkwardness?

You’d want to know, right?

Well, I am going to show you how you can spot a real smile versus a fake one in your ex boyfriend.

How To Spot A Fake Smile

Can you do me a favor?

It’s only going to take a minute of your time.

Watch this quick video by (in 59 seconds) on fake smiles.

Did you watch it?

You better have 😉 .

That video holds the key to spotting a fake smile.

What’s the secret?

Your eyes.

More specifically, in a fake smile your eyes DO NOT crinkle up.

This is a pretty visual thing so I’d like to illustrate this using a few pictures.

Look at the picture of the actor James Franco below,

Do you notice anything about his eyes?

Perhaps some crinkling?


Ok, here is the same picture but this time I have pointed out exactly what I am talking about,

Do you see his eyes crinkling now?

This is a sign of a REAL smile.

Ok, now I want you to take a look at a fake smile and notice the difference,

fake smile

Do you see the lack of the crinkles surrounding the eyes of this woman?

What does this tell us?

Well, it tells us that she is giving us a fake smile.

Lets go back to that restaurant example I gave above about your ex above. With your new found knowledge about real smiles vs. fake smiles you should be able to gain insight into what your ex is really thinking in the moment with his smiles.

For example, if he smiles at you after you say something to him and there are no crinkles surrounding his eyes then that tells you that he is giving you a fake smile and he most likely feels uncomfortable or doesn’t like what you are saying.

Of course, on the other hand if there are crinkles surrounding his eyes then that means you are doing extremely well.

Lets stay with this train of thought about the eyes…

The Eyes

In addition to giving you insight into smiles the eyes can be an incredible tool for making your ex boyfriend more attracted to you.

I am going to throw out a scenario here for a moment and you tell me if it sounds familiar.

You are on a date with this man,

tall dark and handsome

Now, even I will admit that, that is a good looking guy right there.

Ok, so you are on a date with this guy and there is a moment during the date where your eyes lock and neither one of you pulls away.

He stares into your eyes as you stare right back into his.

God, he looks so dreamy!!” you think to yourself.

The longer your eyes are interlocked the more it seems your connection intensifies. In fact, it becomes so intense that you can’t even do it anymore.

You look away…

Tsk.. tsk… tsk….

You lost the look away battle.

Well, I am going to let you in on a little secret.

You know that intense chemistry you feel when you really like someone and you get stuck in one of these look away battles?

Men feel it too!

look away battle

I am going to tell you a funny story about me and the eye look away thing.

The first time I saw my wife in person (before we were married) I remember thinking,

“If we get into an eye stare down I am going to win. I am going to make HER look away.”

Well, when it came to crunch time who do you think got who to look away first?


My wife.

In fact, I don’t really like to admit this but my little 5’2″ wife was intimidating to me.

She was smart, sophisticated and beautiful.

And the little look game just fascinated me.

Like a typical guy I wanted the girl I felt I couldn’t have and that was the girl that made me look away.

My point here is simple.

If you really want to make an impression on your ex boyfriend and put yourself in the drivers seat make sure you win the look game when it comes down to it.

At all costs win…

Men will never really admit this but they like women who make them look away.

That’s just a fun little body language tip 🙂 .

Your Ex Boyfriend And Kissing

Here’s a fun scenario.

You and your ex boyfriend have agreed to go on a one on one date on Friday night. You are so excited for the date that you can barely concentrate throughout the week. Now, your ex boyfriend, being the gentleman that he is, has agreed to pick you up at your place on Friday night. When the time does finally arrive and you see him in person he greets you with a kiss on the cheek.

kiss on the cheek

“Does it mean anything?”

This is the question I would like to answer for you in this section.

After all, a kiss is technically considered “body language”

Lets first start with the meaning behind a kiss on the cheek.

What Does It Mean If Your Ex Boyfriend Kisses You On The Cheek?

If you are on a date with a man you haven’t ever dated before (NOT your ex boyfriend) and he kisses you on the cheek the meaning behind it is a lot different than it would be if your ex kisses you on the cheek.

For example, a man you are dating for the first time is looking for encouragement. He may be scared to go in for a full on kiss so he kisses you on the cheek to feel you out. It’s his way of seeing if you want to be kissed by him.

Your ex boyfriend though…

Someone you have kissed a lot.

When he kisses you on the cheek it is different.

He isn’t looking for encouragement to kiss you because deep down he probably knows that he can.

It’s a much more raw thing.

It means that in the moment he felt something.

A tingle of the past…

Does it mean he wants to get back together.


Not yet…

So, don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

(It is a positive sign though.)

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body meme

Have you ever heard that famous song for kids,

“Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes?”

I feel like that with this body language guide.

Except instead I’m singing,

“Face, Body, Knees and Positioning”

My humor might have gotten too nerdy there, huh?

Anyways, welcome to the “body” section.

This particular part of the guide is going to be divided up into another three categories,

  1. Crossed Arms
  2. Hugging
  3. Weight Gain

Lets start with number one!

Crossed Arms

I need to set the stage for this one.

Lets imagine that you see your ex boyfriend in a public place.


What is a common place that exes can run into each other?


The mall!

Ok, lets say that you and your ex run into each other at the mall. Lets also pretend that you are among friends because realistically you aren’t going to go to the mall alone.

Upon running into each other your ex takes a very defensive posture and has his arms crossed like this,

arms crossed

You try a simple ice breaker to lighten the situation up but your ex doesn’t bite on anything.

He is clearly angry that much is clear.

But what is really going on in his head?

That’s what I would like to find out.

The Importance Of Crossed Arms

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that an angry face and crossed arms equals an angry human being.

But did you know that crossed arms is synonymous with a person who is defensive and closed off?

Well, it’s true.

But what is going on in that closed off persons head?

You remember the fun mall example I gave above, right?

That was actually based on a true story.

In fact, I lived it because I was the angry closed off ex with crossed arms. What I would like to do for you now is give you access into my mind and what I was thinking at that moment.

Again, this might take a little “set up” so bear with me here.

The year is 1955…

Fred Seiter is born, my father.

He was a… Actually, perhaps I should probably speed this thing up to my breakup, huh?

Ok, I broke up with this girl and it wasn’t one of those well behaved type of breakups.

No, it was one of those angry type of breakups.

Needless to say, I had a lot of resentment towards her.

Well, one day I was walking around the mall with my buddy and he informed me that my ex and her friends were at the mall as well. It was the first time that we had been in the same place for at least a month and I felt really weird about it.

Of course, my buddy being the guy he is pushed me to go talk to them (he had a crush on one of the friends my ex was walking around with.)

I refused…

“There is no way I am going to talk to her or her dumb friends”

(I was mean… I know.)

Anyways, my friend decided that he didn’t need me to break the ice and he marched over to them and struck up his own conversation.

This act made me feel left out so like a wounded deer I carefully made my way over to the group where my ex was located.

Her friends were relatively cordial with me.

But my ex and I didn’t lock eyes once.

I didn’t know what to do and she didn’t know what to do so I did what felt safest to me,

I crossed my arms and closed myself off as much as I possibly could.

Was it out of anger?


Was it out of nervousness?


I didn’t know how to approach the situation.

I didn’t know what to say.

I wasn’t in control.

I felt… vulnerable.

It was a feeling I hated (still do.)

Look, I am not saying that every ex boyfriend is like me but I do like to think I am a pretty good gauge. So, when I sit here and tell you that if your ex boyfriend gives you the crossed arms position it doesn’t just mean that he’s angry it also probably means that he doesn’t know how to handle the situation yet, you can know that it is coming from a credible source.


hug meme

In my experience there are two different types of hugs you can get from your ex boyfriend.

Hug 1- The Friend Hug

Hug 2- The More Than Friends Hug

What I would like to do now is give you an explanation of what each of these hugs look like.

Lets start first with the “friend hug.”

The Friend Hug


How can I put this simply?

A friend hug is a hug with no passion.

It’s that awkward hug that you give your friends that you don’t hold on to for very long.

It’s “protocol…”

You are just sort of going through the motions.

I’ll leave it up to Lord Voldemort to demonstrate this for us,

voldemort hug

It’s that awkward hug that friends give each other when they see one another.

I don’t know how else to put it other than that.

But what does it mean if your ex boyfriend gives you this kind of hug?

Is it a bad sign?

Does it mean he wants you out of his life forever?

Does it mean he just wants to be friends?

These are interesting questions seeing as how your ex boyfriend definitely did not have any problem hugging you passionately when you were dating.

It is because of this fact that most women think that their ex may not be into them anymore but I would caution these women to stop and really look at things from your ex boyfriends perspective.

Both of you just broke up with each other.

He is probably still haunted by that fact.

So, when he gets put in a position where he may have to hug you he may not know what to do with himself.

It is not uncommon for a man to get nervous in these type of social situations.

For example, the very first time I went on a date with my wife I thought to myself,

“Should I hug her normally? Or should I try to hug her passionately and imply I want to be more than friends?”

I struggled with this decision for days.

Ultimately I arrived at the conclusion that I would hug her passionately.

Of course, planning something out and actually being in a position to execute it are two entirely different things.

When it came down to it…

When the moment actually arrived to hug her passionately what do you think I did?

I copped out and gave her a half a** hug.

I was nervous and I folded.


My point is simple.

Just because your ex boyfriend gives you a friend hug doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t interested. It could mean that he is overwhelmed by the social situation and doesn’t know how to act.

Nervousness is a hell of a thing.

Sure, there is always that chance that he just wanted to hug you as a friend but there is an even greater chance that he is too frightened about the situation to know how  to act.

I was with my wife.

The More Than Friends Hug

There are hugs and then there are HUGS.

The “more than friends hug” is definitely a hug that you don’t forget very easily.

It is the type of hug that you think about for days.

You know the one.

Where a man looks deeply into your eyes, pulls you close and you feel your body fill up with butterflies.

It’s the type of hug that you never want to end.

It’s passionate…



It is the definition of “making a girl weak in the knees…”

passionate hug

This is the type of hug that transcends a simple kiss.

It’s stronger and more important.

But what does it mean when your ex boyfriend gives you this type of a hug?

Does it mean he wants to get back together with you?


It definitely means he has strong feelings for you.

You don’t give this type of a hug to a friend.

You give it to a lover!

But before you take out the champagne and start celebrating I need you to realize something. Just because your ex boyfriend still has strong feelings for you “in that way” it doesn’t mean he’s ready to commit.

You are going to have to do more for him to do that.

Nevertheless, if your ex boyfriend does give you the “more than friends” hug it is a very good sign because it means he is on the right path to committing.

Weight Gain

Lets say that you are walking down the street two months after your breakup with your ex boyfriend and you happen to run into him.

Now, when you were dating him he was a pretty good looking fellow,

good looking guy

(Dang… seeing that picture makes me think I need to work out more.)

Anyways, when you see your ex boyfriend in person you are absolutely floored to see that he has put on some weight,

fat guy

Ok, maybe that is exaggerating things a bit.

The point I am trying to get at here is that if you see that your ex boyfriend has gained some weight then that is likely a sign of depression.

Why would he depressed?

Hmm… I don’t know? Maybe the fact that he just went through a breakup with YOU.

Maybe he has come to realize that life isn’t so great without you.

Speaking personally, I know that when I get upset about things I tend to stuff my face.

me in hawaii

(I just felt the need to prove that I am not fat at all.)

Lets move on to my favorite topic, positioning.

SECTION THREE – Positioning

move body

We are coming down the homestretch here.

While this section may appear thin (as it only includes “mimicking”) I assure you that it’s not.

Mimicking is a complicated theory to describe and I am going to be giving you real life examples to prove that it does exist and it’s not just some myth.

So, rather than having me just ramble on for another hundred words lets just get right down to business.


mimicking me

A few years ago I took a psychology class in college and the professor played a very interesting video that always stuck with me.


Perhaps that’s not entirely accurate.

Only one part of the video stuck with me.

What was the part of the video that stuck with me?


The video basically said that human beings can sometimes mirror another persons body language and it gave two examples to back it up.

Smiling and yawning.

Let’s start with yawning.

If you see someone yawn or someone just writes the word “yawn” down on a page it makes you want to yawn.

“Crap, I just yawned…”

(Comment and let me know if the yawn thing worked on you 😉 .)

Smiling is also another mirror trigger.

For example, oftentimes when I am talking to my wife she will look at me and smile.

I swear to god she smiles more than anyone I know.

Anyways, even if I am not in a good mood seeing her smile makes me want to smile and subsequently puts me in a good mood.

That video I watched in psychology class that day always stuck with me and it got me thinking.

Do we mimic the body language of people we have feelings for?

Sure, anyone can make us yawn by saying the word yawn but when it comes to less obvious body language signals wouldn’t we be more likely to mimic people who we have strong feelings for?

Proof Mimicking Exists

So far I have come up with a hypothesis on mimicking.

Hypothesis= We will mimicking the body language of people who we have strong romantic feelings for.

Of course, a hypothesis means nothing until you prove it right or wrong so I decided to do a little test.

I decided to determine if mimicking existed by using yours truly as a crash test dummy.

How was I going to do this?

By studying people who I knew had feelings for me.

Lets take a look at that now.

Mimicking In Someone Who Had Feelings For Me

When you meet someone for the first time there is usually a feeling out process.

I mean, usually you exchange numbers…

You text back and forth…

Ask each other some questions…

Maybe you talk on the phone…

And then if enough attraction has been built you agree to go out on a date.

That was never the case for CeCe (not her real name but it will serve as a decent placeholder.)

From the get go she made it pretty clear that she wanted to be more than friends with me (I didn’t.) In fact, I don’t think I ever felt right about any girl I ever met until I met my wife.

With her it was like I just knew…

Of course, we are getting a bit off topic here.

I did end up going on a date with CeCe since she wouldn’t ever leave me alone about it.

I remember we were eating at a restaurant when I first noticed the mimicking.

I was sitting back in my chair like this,


And after a while she started to sit the exact same way.

I noticed it and thought it was interesting so I decided to change things up a bit so I sat forward like this,

sitting forward

(I apologize for the mannequin picture but it was the best one I could find to illustrate my point.)

Well, sure enough after some time she mimicked my pose exactly.

I tried placing my hand on the table…

She put hers there too.

“My god… It’s like I have mind control” I thought to myself.

It seemed too good to be true so I tried some more poses out.

I crossed my legs. (Mimicked)

I smiled at her. (Mimicked)

I rested my head on my hands like this,


She mimicked that too!

It was amazing.

Whatever I did she copied.

Your Ex Boyfriend And Mimicking

My hypothesis above about mimicking seems to be true in certain cases.

Now, obviously the flaw in my experiment is I don’t have a lot of data to say definitively that it’s 100% accurate but I do know for a fact that mimicking in someone who has strong feelings for you does exist.

So, lets throw out a hypothetical situation here.

Lets pretend that you are on a date with your ex boyfriend and you do what I did above to look and see if he is mimicking your body language or posture and you determine that he is indeed mimicking it.

What does that mean?

Does that mean that he has strong feelings for you?

While I hesitate to sign the whole farm over to you I will admit that it does appear to be a good sign.


Any time I have experienced this phenomenon in my life someone has always had strong feelings for the other person.

For example, I mimicked my wife when I first met her and what’s worse is I was even aware of it while it was happening.

I remember I would just get lost in her eyes and then I would snap out of it for a split second and realize that I was mirroring her posture exactly but then she would look at me with those eyes again and I would be lost.

I guess my point is pretty simple.

If you do find that your ex boyfriend is mirroring you it is a strong sign behind the fact that he still has feelings for you.

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88 thoughts on “Decoding The Body Language Of Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Cerys

    August 10, 2021 at 8:45 am

    Hi I love reading your content. It’s very informative and enjoyable to read.
    My dilemma is – my boyfriend of 3 years ended things nearly a week ago. There has been a turbulent past few months with little niggles and bickering taken its tole. He looks to the past for clues on future and I’m fly by take it as it happens. I have not contacted him by phone or begged ect , took his things to him 2 days ago expecting to drop them off at the door…. Instead he insisted I come into his home, we spoke comfortably, laughed and he made me a Sunday dinner , he tried to instigate physical touch mainly by trying to play fight . When it was time for me to leave he couldn’t stop holding me , hugging and kissing. He was incredibly emotional ( he is normally hard to read and distant ) so this whole experience was very out of the blue for me . I respect his decision in the breakup but do I follow your advice for no contact or move on? Any Help would be gratefully appreciated, Thankyou

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 28, 2021 at 8:56 pm

      Hey Cerys, so you need to decide for yourself if you want to move on or follow the program to get your ex back, once you decide we can help you going forward 🙂

  2. Chuma

    July 24, 2021 at 5:38 am

    Hi there! I have a confusing/complex situation. About 9 months ago I broke up with my ex boyfriend 2 months after having a baby. The reason for our breakup was his lack of consistency, communication, support/presence(due to Covid) and honesty about the status of our relationship(he just went quiet after the baby was born). We had been friends for 6 months before dating for about a year. Within that time we fell pregnant and had a baby. After the breakup I did my best to not communicate with him (not even about the baby) for about 3 months and was slowly getting the hang of being a single mother. He initiated conversation a said he wanted to meet up and talk which we did. He apologized for his behavior during our relationship and basically said all the things I’d wanted to hear during our relationship. I stupidly fell for it and ended up sleeping with him after much convincing on his part. The next day after thinking about what happened I texted him to say we should take things slow and try to figure things out and he basically slapped me in the face and said what had happened was a mistake, he had moved on, he wanted us to be friends for the baby’s sake and it would never happen again and that he was sorry for what had happened. To which I basically told him to go f*** himself. A month after that he texted again and basically repeated the same thing, but this time around I slept with him again and just went dead silent on him. I never texted or called him which seemed to bother him quite a bit. He would always ask me if I was seeing someone else or ask why I didn’t engage as much in conversations with him whenever he texted or called to ask about the baby. He became more interested in my love life now and wanted to know if I was seeing anyone he should be worried about and talk about our future together as a family. He would make surprise visits to my workplace and offer to get me lunch or whatever I wanted or needed just to make me happy. But the thing is I can’t trust anything he says or does because of past experience with him backtracking on his words and actions. I still care about him and probably love him, but I just can’t get over everything his done to get us where we are today. Now he communicates once or twice a week to check in on me and the baby to make sure we’re okay and also to find out if I’m willing to meet up with him and spend time with him. The last few times we’ve been together he’s been very touchy feely and quite attentive to everything I’m doing. I do my best to remain aloof and disinterested (mostly because I’m nervous and don’t know what to say him to him without offending him or sounding like a nag) which he notices and tries to make up for it by making a joke or carrying on a conversation and asks about my health, friends, family and how I’m coping with taking care of the baby. His body language also points towards interest in me (his hugs are sensual and passionate, smile is genuine, he always maintains eye contact and throws in a kiss when he can). But my main issue is consistency if we could have that I’m open to being in a romantic relationship with him. How do I get him to be consistent in his actions and how do I communicate my feelings about this to him because when I tried to bring this up during our relationship he just shut down and didn’t bother to make any changes which led to the breakup in the first place.

  3. Debbie

    January 5, 2020 at 5:15 pm

    Hi, there! I have a confusing situation. So, my ex and I have known each other for over 10 years now. Very early on, he had a crush on me (we worked together), but he had a girlfriend (who was more of a roommate relationship) so there was no go for a while. He took some time to get his life together (after his breakup and we were no longer working together so our contact was intermittent) and he is about to graduate from college in his late 30s! (better late than never!) So last spring, I hadn’t talked to him for a while and I randomly texted him asking if he wanted to have dinner, to which he did and we went and then he wanted to communicate more. I was scared so I pushed him off a little bit (I had two big things about myself I needed to tell him so I was confusing him by not being communicative and he called me out for it). Surprisingly, he didn’t abandon me all together (when I think most normal people would’ve just gotten fed up and walked away). Around early fall last year, we had been together for a little less than 6 months, but we had a fight about intimacy. I am wanting to wait until marriage and he admitted it’s hard for him, but said he would still wait on me; he has spoken of marriage, but I told him he needs to graduate and get set up with a job first (at this point it’s only about 4 months from now!). He told me he was in love with me, but then said that it sounds like I had some thinking to do about us. The next day, I texted him telling him I was sorry that he had to see me cry (I cried over a couple of other things) and his response was it was okay, and that he would rather walk away than cause me pain. Now this is going to sound like a really weird thing, but communication was usually left up to me. I would only contact him on the weekends and not spend all my free time with him because I admit I have a wall up from a previous heartbreak. Any time he would reach out to me, I would not pick up the phone as he called or take a while to text back, etc. After two missed calls when I called him, I stopped calling or reaching out in early October and decided to leave him alone as the semester was tough on him. One of my friends who I spoke of this situation said to me, “You love him, don’t you?” I started crying and told her yes. She asked me if he knew, and I told her that if he acted the way I did towards him, then I would not think so. She then gave me the advice of just being direct with him and telling him how I feel. So, I waited until Christmas and texted him that I loved him (he’s never heard that from me before), that I missed him, and I wanted to see him over Christmas break. I then admitted I was scared of his response and would be shutting my phone down to decompress from what I did. When I turned my phone on, he had responded, though it took him 3 days after when I originally sent the message. He responded positively saying he appreciated my telling him and that I really stepped out of my comfort zone. He said he wanted to see me as well and asked when I had to go back to work and that he had been busy with a bunch of family events during the holidays. I called him the day before New Year’s Eve and he suggested we do something and that he wanted me to call on New Year’s Eve itself to set up plans. I didn’t feel too well and suggested that he come to my place, but then he said we should just rain check instead. A few days after New Year’s, I called, but no response. So (and I know this will sound tacky and rude), the next day I went to his apartment unannounced to see him. It caught him off guard and he seemed rather flustered (tbh, if the shoe was on the other foot and someone came to my home unannounced, I would probably be flustered too). He didn’t have me come into his apartment as he started smoking inside again (he had stopped when we were consistently dating) and said he knew I didn’t like that. We talked for almost an hour (first time in person since the breakup) and then he told me I should go. The conversation wasn’t bad, but he made a joke I was being passive aggressive by showing up (I guess after him not returning the call from the previous day); we didn’t talk about any of the issues we had, etc.. We were standing on some steps and he stood where I was at eye level at him (he’s almost a foot taller) and he asked for a hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he wrapped his arms around my waist (right at the small of my back). It wasn’t a long hug and he asked for a kiss. I obliged because I wanted to and it was a closed mouth, when usually he would open his mouth a little bit. Then he pointed out something behind me and I noticed he was still holding on to me. We kissed about 3 more times, still all closed mouth and then he pursed his lips and said that he had eaten a sandwich a little bit earlier, so I am thinking that in my surprise visit, he didn’t brush his teeth beforehand and was a little embarrassed of his breath which is why it remained closed. As I was leaving, he made a joke that I should come back at 9pm (it was almost 8pm when I was leaving). This is because as a poor college student, he doesn’t have his heat on in his apartment during the day hours because it costs money, but the deal he has with the electric company has it for free from 9pm-9am. Weird, yes, but it checks out. I do want to have a sit down conversation and tell him about my feelings that I had held back in the first place, but I guess I was a little worried when he didn’t call back the other day (that happened once or twice when we were actually still in the relationship). Does it sound like he still has feelings? We used to go long periods of time before the relationship where we did not see one another, but if we ran into each other, I could tell he still had feelings. I was thinking of doing “actions speak louder than words” and initiating contact with him more often, when he had begged for it during our relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 8, 2020 at 10:36 pm

      Hi Debbie so I cant answer the questions you want, but you can start the program if you want to try and get your ex back, but it always starts with a No Contact for a minimum of 30 days where you work on yourself and read about the Ungettbale Girl and then, as it has been a bit up and down in the relationship and possible other people can get involved at times, you need to avoid talking to mutual friends about him for some time, you need to live your life, date casually and learn about the process we follow here including the being there method

  4. Veronica

    December 7, 2019 at 8:23 am

    Ran into my ex at a gas station, we were very serious, engaged at one point, together 5 or more years. He would call and text months after breakup saying he missed and loved me. We both eventually moved on and ended up having kids the exact same months and our children are same age. He’s now divorced and has had somewhat of a rough year. He’s emailed me a few times wanting to to talk, I declined. He said that I’d always have a special place in his heart and that he was sorry to bother me and thanked me for being me. Ran into him at a gas station and he gave me the biggest smile and gently touched my elbow and tried to talk. I was really reserved with one worded answers. Does this mean he still has feelings? Or that he is just having a rough time and trying to find comfort, friendly face? I’m not sure if he really wants to be friends, needs a counselor, or still has feelings/loves

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 10:15 pm

      Hi Veronica, so there is a chance that he still as some sort of feelings for you still, or that he is thinking that you and he had a great relationship and maybe could have had that again. If you are single and interested in seeing him then I do think you could have that chance

  5. Candice

    August 7, 2019 at 1:32 pm

    Why would my ex kiss me on the cheek at my fathers funeral visitation? Over 400 people came to the visitation and not one other person kissed me on the cheek. I’m trying to figure this all out.

  6. samanthagranite

    November 13, 2018 at 12:29 am

    Thank you for all your articles, I keep rereading them when I need support. About five weeks ago I walked out on a guy (dating on/off for a year, pretty steadily for 6 months) because he wouldn’t agree to be exclusive (I live in NYC where men can easily get on an app and find a “date” for any given evening). I had no question in my mind that this guy was crazy about me, if not obsessed with me. We hit on all levels– intellectual, emotional and physical and I’m probably the only person whose comes close to understanding him (genius type). But he has serious intimacy issues and keeps sabotaging everything by continuing to hook up with women who are leagues beneath me (and him). I walked out did no contact and we went out on a date recently (I had to initiate everything, he can be passive aggressive, but I know this about him). I’m together as usual, definitely ungettable as you’d define it so improving myself wasn’t the issue. He looked like hell, gained weight, was unkempt and his apartment was a wreck. He struck me as slightly depressed. I kept the date fun and we had no discussions, though I suggested I was dating others and he was not going to be my focus. I’m not sure where to go from here. On the one hand, I feel like these are all signs he really felt my loss, but he has some underlying insecurity so he’s not going to be making any big moves. But on the otherhand, I’m don’t want to fall back into the same pattern where I have no status and he uses other women to keep from getting close to me (he’s not a kid, so that’s not an excuse). I can’t push or lay down ultimatums with this guy and I am pretty patient, I do think we are soulmates but he is messed up. Any advice?

  7. anatashia

    February 5, 2018 at 5:13 pm

    Thank you for the article. But I have one question. I found out my ex bf cheated on me. He has new lover (He claimed he love both of us, which is nonsense!!) and don’t want to end the relationship until I find out. We broke up and I make the cut. I blocked him in every social media and block his no. in my phone. But few days later, I decided to go back to his apartment to pack my things (because the day we broke up, I move out without taking my clothes). When I want to walk to the door, suddenly he tightly hug me from behind. He started to say sorry and hope me to be happy(with shaken voice) and “I love you” then he cried. The hug last about 5-10 minutes. Then, when he loosen the hugs, I grab the door and want to get out, but this time I’m the one who run into him and hug him and it really was a passionate hugs more than before. No words, only silent (but of course I’m crying at that moment). Then, I know he wanted to kiss me but then I ran into the door without looking at his eyes. I need to go before I fell into his kiss and it will make myself look stupid.
    1. Guy can love 2 person in a time? (which I can’t believe this)
    2. What that hug all about?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 11:48 am

      Hi Anastashia,

      I don’t believe a guy can love 2 people at the same time but a cheater often fulfill two needs with different girls.. But for me, that means he doesn’t love either of them.

      He probably feels the weight of his decision of losing you but that’s not enough to say that he loves you.

  8. Sasha

    February 5, 2018 at 1:43 pm

    My ex and I split ten months ago. As we gave a child together we are in contact regularly. I went NC and have maintained that unless it’s yo do with our teenager. I’m confused at his behaviour ,because we both agreed to the split,after spending 22 years together. He tells our friends he’s fine and we made the right decision but his body language tells another tale. He hugs me and kisses my cheek, has tried to hold my hand when telling me he was very upset I didn’t wish him happy birthday. Has cried to my son from another relationship saying he hates his life. Got upset when he found out I was going for dinner with another man,even though he very quickly hit with a woman ( I actually think he was cheating with her). He moans to our child about her constantly….I just wish I knew what was going on in his head…..he looks terrible, has put weight on which isn’t a great look. I feel sad for him, but not sure what his behaviour means

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 11:45 am

      Hi Sasha,

      how long have you been in nc?

    2. Sasha

      April 15, 2018 at 9:34 am

      Due to some of the things he has done,for self preservation, I went NC, so pretty much several months. Our teenager now is having counselling due to her dad telling her all kinds of things and due to some of his actions. I cannot understand why a father would ask if his child if she loves mum more than dad, or that he’s paying too much maintenance,or wether I still love him, whilst thrusting his OW in her face,then complaining about her and her daughter….it’s such a mess and our child is the one suffering!

    3. Chris Seiter

      April 18, 2018 at 4:08 am

      Hi Sasha….I am so sorry for your pain. And you are right, our children are those who should be treated with sensitivity.

  9. Jessica

    August 18, 2017 at 10:19 pm

    My ex and I are broken up just under 2 months now. It has been cleared up that he did it whilst he still had feelings for me. It is still very confusing as to why we broke up. We talk every day. Constantly. We’ve met up three times since. Once in public and two at his house. I stayed at his house last night because I couldn’t sleep due to heart issues and he offered. He picked me up at 4am and I stayed upstairs and I kept my distance. But he was the one hugging me and he kissed me. Now keep in mind, over a month ago he said we couldn’t do it again after it happened the first time I saw him after the break up. He is the one initiating the kissing and hugging! But he broke up with me. He says we can’t be together, constantly says sorry. But he agreed to go to dinner with me but it seems like he backed out? We ended up kissing and cuddling and more when I stayed in his house last night, in the morning. He started it all and then he says sorry after and has a guilty look and says we shouldn’t do it again. He has also made little comments while talking to me on texts saying how he would of loved to sleep beside me wearing a specific set of pjs etc. So I don’t know? He says no? He then leads me on? He tries to explain why we broke up and I don’t get it? He also says it was 100% him. He had problems expressing how he feels and he might have slight depression and he’s an insomniac. I don’t know what to do because I love him still and want to try again but he says it won’t happen but yet all this happens? I really wanted to sit down to dinner and say I want to try again but he says work won’t give him the time off and I’m going away for a week soon and he is too. I want to talk properly before that. I’m just so confused and I know he doesn’t mean to confuse me and make me feel like this because it’s not the type of person he is but? I want him back. He does a lot of this stuff on this page. A LOT. He misses me but doesn’t seem to miss me at the same time? Says he’s sad? But? I want to try again with a clean slate but he doesn’t seem to want to do that. I wish I could talk to him about it without him getting all weird. That’s what dinner was for. I feel like he’ll reject me but he enjoyed us going out to coffee and said it was fun so that’s why he said yes to dinner. He said “Like a date?” and I said I didn’t want to call it that cause it might scare him off and he said he’s not going anywhere. I don’t know what to think. {The breakup was also out of nowhere for me}

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 19, 2017 at 8:50 pm

      Hi Jessica,
      Looks like you’re being stringed along.. Do at least 30 day nc

  10. Caroline

    June 12, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    My boyfriend (now ex) broke up with me in the weirdest way. I am on summer break from college, but I have made sure to see him every other weekend. Memorial day weekend I visited him and we had an amazing long weekend together. 2 weekends after that was my friends birthday and I would be in his city for her party so we had been planning all week how I was going to see him at some point. He was acting the exact same, seeming excited and sweet. 30 mins before I was set to meet up with him he called and wanted to meet at a bar, but I didn’t want to. So he said I could just come over his place and when I get there we can decide if we wanna go out or stay in. I get to his place and he’s super excited to see me, hugging and kissing me. We cuddled on the couch, kissing, laughing, joking, and catching up for an entire hour like everything was normal. He wasn’t being distant or anything and was still being so sweet to me. We were even talking about couple stuff (as if he wasn’t planning to break up with me in 30 mins). Then all of a sudden he tells me that he doesn’t think we should keep seeing each other. It was so random and surprising that for the first 2 mins I thought he was joking. Why would he want to cuddle, be boyfriend-like, and enjoy company with me for an entire HOUR if he was planning to break up with me the entire time? And why would he make plans with me like we were just having a normal relationship hangout? I am so confused and don’t know what this means.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 14, 2017 at 3:08 pm

      when did all this happen and how long were you together?

  11. Bibi lanna

    February 4, 2017 at 11:21 pm boyfriend broke up With me and I tried the NC rule and he went to go see me at a competition and hugged me and told me he loved me….. Two weeks after that we were still not together but he pulled me in for a hug and we kissed, but he said we were better off of we are not a couple. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      Hi Bibi lanna,

      how long did you do nc? what were the happenings in your life in the past weeks?

  12. Ale

    December 20, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    Hey! I really enjoyed the article, it really helped me out and it is mostly certain we both still have feelings for each other, thank you 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 22, 2016 at 3:49 pm

      Thank you Ale!

  13. Aayushi Sahu

    October 21, 2016 at 10:03 am

    Hi, I really loved your article. I have a question and I really want you to answer it. Its very important to me. I’m in college and its my 4th year.
    There was this guy i met 3 years back, my college-mate and we were in a relationship for 2 years after that. we broke up almost a year back. Because I used to fight a lot and I was not understanding and mature that time. but after the breakup I realised my mistakes and I’m still dying to get back together with him.
    But after the breakup I tried asking him to get back together but he kept on ignoring the discussion and said, I don’t want to be with anyone.
    But we still talk, hang out, while watching movies we kiss on the lips and there is always that ‘more than just friends’ hugs. He is always there for me, he helps me everytime, we talk everyday, we meet up almost everyday, cheers me up when i m sad. We can’t live without each other. If we don’t talk for 2 or more days, either of us call each other the third day. He is not close to anyone like he is to me, he doesn’t talk to any girl, not even interested in talking. anyway..
    I’m still in love with him but I don’t know what he thinks, but I know he doesn’t want to get back together in a relationship with me. How do I know? What should I do? Does he want me back? Does he still have “more than just friends” kinda feelings for me? or he just wants to be my best friend and maybe i’m overthinking? I have no clue. Please help and suggest me something..

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 22, 2016 at 8:56 pm

      Hi Aayushi,

      you kiss as in kiss on the lips? maybe there is a little something but it’s not enough to want you back or more likely, he’s more comfortable this way because you’re not fighting when you’re just friends and you stayed available and present, so there’s no need to commit and get back together..

  14. Samantha

    October 3, 2016 at 2:53 am

    What does it mean if my ex boyfriend hugged me many times and held my hand while I was mourning over a loss? The hugs were long and he grabbed my hand. We broke up 7 months ago and recently started hanging out again while our minds are on college since we’re 18.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 5, 2016 at 8:14 pm

      loss of a loved one? I think he’s just being a good person or a good friend.. yoy lost someone, so the least he could do is to comfort you

  15. Shane

    September 27, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Can I ask a question? I REALLY REALLY need help. My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago, we haven’t seen each other a week after the break up and then this week we are sometimes seeing each other because we have the same group of friends. He is ignoring me, he doesn’t look at me nor talk to me. We made out before breaking up and I think I made a mistake of making out with him before the break up. I really want him back but it looks like he isn’t interested wiht me anymore, is he? 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 28, 2016 at 3:54 pm

      Hi Shane,

      how long were together? why did you break up and how old are you both?
      Aside from that, check this out:
      The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)

  16. Chiara

    September 12, 2016 at 5:44 pm

    Hi Chris, I’ve been reading your articles many times and decided to write to you, I will try to keep it as short as possible, but it’s a situation that has been hunting me for 12 years ( yes you read it right 🙂
    So 12 years ago I had this very intense and passionate relationship with my ex bf, we realised we have shockingly same tastes about everything from food to music, it was really almost at the point of creepy, we looked at each other’s eyes most of the time and just know what’s going on, anyway you got the picture. He was a very ambitious about his career, and by the time we started the relationship, he was very focused on building it, I was very much in love, he was too but he’s the reserve type, due to a (traumatic past with his parents), so he broke up with me, I did all the wrong things to get him back (begging, texting non stop, until obviously he disappeared), because we have friends in common it was just very upsetting all this, so including embarrassing moments of my first drunk evening crying for him etc etc all the pathetic things a woman in love unfortunately are capable to do, so eventually I decide to date other people after few months, but never got over him, he moved to anothe country, the years passed, then after 3 years we met again, nothing happened ( except for me that in that very evening out I met another guy that would become my future husband, now ex husband) he (the ex bf) actually witnessed the very first time my ex husband asked my phone number, he was very jealous. Then I was dating the ex husband guy , but things weren’t great, so I broke up with him. As by fate ( or friends gossip) he contacted me while I was on holidays, he was near where I was and we spend a week together, all wonderful perfect romantic, except that because he lived in anothe country he must go and nothing was said about get back together he invited me to visit him and try to see if work but because of working commitments and the fact that the country he moved was very far away, I couldn’t go. I knew him when he was penniless, trying to build his life, now he has money and all that comes with, so unfortunately he went that phase of dating a lot, so he blocked me from social media, could only reach him by email, so on the meantime I cry like hell for months then came back to my ex future husband then married him. The marriage didn’t work after few years, I had no children as would have only with my ex bf, so after a while got in touch with my ex bf again, we met in the summer, he introduced me to his stranded dad that now he’s reconciling thanks to me over the years (another story), so we spend great time together, he told me very personal things, his dad told me very personal things too over a dinner 3 of us about his childhood etc etc, it was very moving to me, he seemed emotionally connected again, but then when I the subject about relationship he shuts down, he says things like ” don’t overthink”, we depart, he travels all over the world all the time not for work, but I think he’s running away from something, he saw as a child his mother crying for his father that has abandoned them for years, so I think it has traumatised him. I had said I love him and all that I wanted to say all over again, he knows I’m not the obsessive type, he knows is true love because I wish the best for him even it that means he being with another women which I advised before and he just cannot commit to no one.We have the same age, we are both smart health, good looking, but he seems lost and living on denial about his emotions he doesn’t want to deal with, I don’t know what to do, I want to have a family, but only with him, I’m in a certain age that in some years it will be too late to have a child, now we talk by text but I know it will be less and less, and I don’t know what to do please advise.

    1. Chiara

      October 11, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      Hi Chris/Amor,
      Although very short, I appreciated your answer, I agree in some topics, although have to disagree that being responsible in work doesn’t mean one can be same wise in relationship matters, as he is indeed very immature on those matters still. I am still in touch with him online. As Im living at moment in the same town as his father and his family, got the opportunity to get more acquainted with them, they helped me find an apartment and settle here, which myself being an ethic person did not want first place so, before all, have consulted my ex if it would be OK to be in touch with them, his answer was that there’s no problem at all, he’s very happy that they can help me settle and all.
      We do different jobs but we have similar life style, I travel a lot but not as much as him, his father told me his son was very happy to see me and when he asked his son why he doesn’t try again with me, his answer was ‘oh no I have so many other things to sort in my life now etc etc.’ , so AGAIN things are confused. I sense every time I’m on online chat social on the phone, he’s too but in a way that is freaking me out ALWAYS same time, considering he knows how to code I’m wondering if he’s not prying my conversations, which could be a bit disturbing. I’m single, but I’m emotional/physical unavailable at moment to any other guy that is not him, so he knows by now that I only talk to friends, family about him. Be back on the same place we were last month breaks my heart but I have to find a solution to either cut him off of my contacts circle for once, or trying to get him back, still don’t know what to do.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 11, 2016 at 5:10 pm

      ok, that’s good! I like your opinion.. You have a point.. But being honest, I think what he means is that, a relationship is not his priority right now.. If you want, I think it’s not yet too late to start the no contact rule.. Do it as a last step.. Just focus in improving yourself and then reconnect and try to build rapport slowly.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 14, 2016 at 2:01 pm

      Hi Chiara

      If he really doesn’t want to commit, asking him to do it or to confess his feelings is like attacking him because right now, he’s not ready.. I think he’s adult enough to separate that fear from the want of having his own family. From what you say, it seems like he’s a self made guy and that means he’s responsible. So, that also means he knows that if he wants a happy family, that depends on him, not on his past. It just seems like it’s not what he’s looking for right now, and he just wants to travel the world because he can. He wants to enjoy life. I think you should read this articles:
      How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit
      The Ungettable Girl

  17. Rach

    June 2, 2016 at 1:44 pm

    I’m back! A little over two years ago I fatefully stumbled into you and all of your awesome wisdom (I don’t mind feeding an ego, especially a correct one) and you were so wonderfully helpful, sweet and sooooo right about everything. You’ve really spruced the place up since then! Anyways, just a quick recap: got the guy back, things were great, then good, then meh, then not together. Basically everything ended because we weren’t happy with not seeing each other. Take note that when we DID see each other, I was the one doing all the foot work, which took a huge toll on me. We work together, but live 2 hours apart. When I say that I tried, I mean I frigging tried! I’m talking; get up at 4am, drive an hour to work and be there until 4:30pm, drive an hour back home, pick my (not his and mine) kids up and take them to my mom then drive 2 hours to his house where we basically saw each other for about an hour or two before going to sleep because I had to get up for work the next morning. All of that, just to see him for ONE night out of the week. I. Tried. That isn’t the only example, but that’s the one that even his friends kind of looked at me like “are you sure he’s worth it, or are you just that insane?” His friends actually got to the point where they were ragging him about not ever doing anything with me. One actually told me that I can and deserve better. I respected that a lot. When the week came up that we broke up, it was prompted by him getting frustrated with me by not reciprocating his flirting at work (we would fool around at work to keep things interesting). When he confronted me, I told him (1) I was struggling with the fact that it was a sin and he quickly responded that we don’t have to do those things, but then I hit him with (2) the fact that he makes no attempt to see me and I felt as though I was never a priority had made him less attractive and making me resentful towards him, especially since this is a subject that I have made clear to be a problem in the past on a few occasions. That floored him, which I had a hard time understanding. I just wanted to ask him “what did you expect?” That is one thing I can say however, we always spoke to each other with absolute respect, so I kept my comment to myself. He apologized over and over and kept saying how he never meant to make me unhappy until finally he said he needed to think about what to do and we got off the phone. So I gave hikvspace and time (3 days) until he finally asked to speak with me and he said we “needed to split up for right now. That he understood he was making me unhappy but that he had too much going on and would only continue to make me unhappy.” that’s the just of it anyway, we didn’t argue and I didn’t cry. It was amicable. That all happened last Friday, nearly a week ago. I have been in NC, not only because of your oh so wise teachings, but because I was kind of relieved to not be together. I hadn’t realized just how unhappy I had been until it was over.
    Here’s why I am here now though; he said split up “for right now.” To me, that sounds like he left an open door for later. Secondly, I have been doing great seeing him at work (i think anyways) I don’t intentionally make eye contact, when I do I smile simply and go on about my business but typically I just don’t look at him. I treat him essentially like any other guy who I know is looking at me, I just kind of look past him. I don’t know how else to explain it. So I had myself convinced that if something ever sparked up, it did; and if it didnt, then I was fine with that too. I mean I already have a date this weekend and another lined up with another guy in a few weeks, so I’m serious about not pursuing him.
    I’ll be damned though if he didn’t flip the script on me yesterday though. I have caught him looking over at me on several occasions, I just kind of brushed that mess off. Then this dude is in my vicinity yesterday and asks how I was feeling, I gave him a confused look and he said one our coworkers/mutual friends had said i wasn’t feeling well earlier. I simply replied “oh, yea him ok. Just my stomach. Thank you.” I don’t know why, I just had a suspicion about that. Then later he was joking with me about a work situation and I kept everything short and sweet until he finally just quit. I say quit because it seemed as though he were trying to break the ice or something with me, but I am not there yet regardless of anything.
    After all these things, as insignificant as they may be, I thought to myself “self, you need to be ready for this if he tries again, because you aren’t ready.” I cannot get back with him just for things to go back to how they were, I rather be single honestly. I apologize for an this yakking, I am really mostly venting to an unbiased ear (well eye in this case). I mean his friends think I can do better, I just found out his mom did not like me or something (I have no idea why), my family and friends were skeptical because of his lack of effort. In other words, the odds are not in his favor. I have read your post about working together, I had traveled this far before stopping and writing you. I bought your book last time, plan on buying the set next week, mostly to try to prepare myself. I am on the fence with him, but I can’t understand what he is doing now. I thought he would keep his distance, but he isn’t. I apologize again for being so wordy, I just thought I had things under control until he made me question his motives. Do you think I’m being overly concerned? I hate being confused and I dang sure don’t want to catch feelings again. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 12, 2016 at 6:04 am

      Hi Rach,

      I hope you don’t mind me answering this time.. that’s just nirmal to feel.. you’re much stronger and more ratiinal now compared to your last break up so I think you’re doing good… you did everything you can during the relationship and only a stupid guy would ignore that..

  18. Marie

    May 24, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    we broke up in nov 15 during an argument cos i felt like he wasnt making much of an effort in the relationship incl my bday.
    even after we broke up i became a texting gnat and spammed him and we argued which led to him blocking me. i did 30 days nc then called him and he unblocked me and we started speaking. around march we met up for dinner and ended up kissing. thing is he was the one who did it. but when we were in the cab he would hold my hand and kiss me on the head. he was playing with my hair and giving me a massage. so to me it felt like old times and that it was goign down a postive route. as i was leaving he said to me “i hope u dont expect anything from this” i said yeah. i didnt know what to do. i thought maybe he would come round and realise he wants me. he texts me everyday. i was basically fulfilling the role of the gf with no commitments. i helped him with his new flat. i even brought round dinner one day. when he was going through depression. i booked his gp appointment to help him get through it. texting him everyday to check he was ok.
    He asked to see me again bcos he had a free kitchen and wanted to cook for me. so again i assumed he wanted to be with me or something. but no. kissed and had dinner. i said to him i wanted more he said he didnt as relationship came with too much resposibilty. so i said fine we cant speak anymore. i got home and sent him a massive text saying how i felt and he said he was sorry that he could give me more and that i was an amazing girl blah blah blah. 4 days went by and we didnt speak.
    friday night i got a text from him saying he made a mistake and wants to see me tomorrow to have a chat. sat morning i texted him asking where to meet up. no reply. i called and texted no reply. i panicked and asked his mate if he had heard from him and he said “marie u just gotta live your life and stop worrying about him”. 5 days went by and i heard nothing. everyday i texted him and called. i checked his last active on fb and he had been online everyday. so it was clear he was avoiding me. i even sent texts saying i was crying and had exams to study for. no reply.
    5 days later he replied saying i was drunk i didnt mean what i sent on friday. thing is i reread our convo on friday all his messages were in full english no slurs so it didnt seem like he was drunk. either way he clearly had cold feet or he was drunk and just messing with my feelings. i had a massive go at him and he didnt say sorry he just said you’re better off without me in ur life.
    he said lets meet up to sort this out. i went to see him thinking he would say sorry or say lets be friends. at first it was fine we were talking about random thigns .then after 30 mins he said he wanted to go and thinks we shouldnt be speaking to each other anymore. i deleted him off fb but then left him on instagram.
    what do i do now? i can’t get over what he did to me those 5 days of not replyign knowing i was crying and had exams. im assuming you’re going to tell me to move on. i really want him back because when we were together it was great. even the last few weeks. i dont know 🙁

    1. Marie

      May 30, 2016 at 6:15 pm

      sorry to add…doing nc again then texting is the same as what happened before? so surely its going to be a rerun

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 31, 2016 at 5:57 pm

      downside is the more you do nc, the less the effect and it also means you’re not progressing with healing for yourself and being more emotionally stable. That’s actually the more important part of it..

    3. Marie

      May 30, 2016 at 6:13 pm

      I know I shouldn’t have done this but I wrote him an email telling him how i felt about us, the break up, and his new found drug habit. When we were together he wasn’t into that so I’m finding it hard to believe he’s this druggie.
      In the email I explained why we broke up and that I only said it when I was emotional and that I did not mean it.
      I told him to reply if he believes in giving us another chance. I don’t think he will reply.

      It’s just frustrating because initially he blocked me. I did nc then did all the texting rules, then calling, then managed to go on a few dates-one which he suggested of him cooking. Then he says we’re just friends (but he kissed me-so basically FWB).

      I think since we have broken up I have asked at least on 10 different occasions to get back together. His reason is ” i don’t why we can’t get back together I dont have a proper reason. We tried and it didnt work before. I guess the feelings aren’t entirely there”

      but we were good until the day of the break up. It happened during an argument about something lame.

      What shall I do now? NC again or just move on?

    4. marie

      May 27, 2016 at 1:21 pm

      Thank you so much Amor! I am going to do nc because i believe that relationships shouldn’t be complicated. If the relationship is already ruined surely that’s an indicator of how the future would be. ie he’s become lazy and complacent-further down the line he would slip back into that routine.
      My friend said that apparently recently he’s been smoking weed everyday. I don’t want someone who thinks thats acceptable. i don’t know if im overreacting.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 30, 2016 at 6:07 am

      nope you’re not.. that’s a good mindset 🙂

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 27, 2016 at 7:14 am

      Hi Marie,

      you need to regain your independence. You’ve been chasing him and it’s killing the attraction. If you want, you can try nc. Aim to be the ungettable girl and make him miss you. CHeck this posts out:

      The Ungettable Girl
      The “How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You” Video

  19. Jo

    April 15, 2016 at 12:29 am

    Do these rules apply during NC?
    I have a lot of mutual friends with my ex boyfriend, so there will be a lot of events where I will bump into him.
    Even though I am still in NC, do i try and connect to him on these occasions? or do i stay distant?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 18, 2016 at 1:43 am

      Hi Jo,

      Yes, it still applies. try to stay distant.. If you bump into each be nice but excuse yourself if you can..

  20. Confused

    April 7, 2016 at 11:37 pm


    My ex and I have gone back and forth (see previous thread: Rollercoaster). I am still in love and trying to win him back. Our lease together with our old place finally ended but before we turned in our keys, my ex wanted to hang out with me there again like old times. He’s gained quite a bit of weight since the breakup, but makes it a point to bring up that he’s happy. Our last hangout, we ended up kissing. Long story short, I got a bit emotional after. The next day he again brought up he was happy and felt free. I asked if he wanted that kiss then and he said he did, it was great and he still finds me very attractive. Again, he goes, but I feel free now.I had mentioned that if that was the case we didn’t need to hang out because I had gone on a few dates with other people then and was trying to move on. He goes “I don’t know what to say” and then proceeded to ask to hang out two weeks later when I got back into town after a work trip. What do I do? We haven’t spoken in 8 days. Do I go NC and see if he initiates the hangout or what?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2016 at 6:30 am

      If you are contnuing to talk to him, and it’s not flirty it might that he’s friendzoning you… try to go nc for two weeks and then proceed to go out and post about it..if he really wants to be back he would do so, if not that really means that’s just a friendly hangout

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