“I miss him.”
You find yourself whispering to yourself with a long, withdrawn sigh at 2 in the morning on a random Tuesday.
“I really miss him, though,”
You might say to your friend in a drunken slur to your friend who is helping you home after a Girls’ Night Out.
“Why do I miss him so much?”
I’m all too familiar with these questions. I’m even more familiar with the empty feeling in the pit of the stomach that follows it. I’ve totally been there before.
Occasionally, I even circle back to this feeling, though, not as much anymore.
It’s been almost a year since I broke up with my ex. But, I still miss him on occasion. Most of the time, this feeling is brought on by memories – places we’ve been to, movies we watched, songs we sang along to. Other times, it blindsides me, hitting me when I least expect it. I find this is mostly when I’m doing well and haven’t thought about him in a while.
I know when I miss my ex, my thoughts and emotions go all over the place and I don’t know what to do. If you feel that way too, you’ve probably thought to yourself at one point, “What do I do now?”
Well, let me help you out a bit.
If this is you, I can assume that you are missing your ex boyfriend and you’re not sure what to do to get him back. You can actually focus this feeling on getting him back! Here are some things we need to talk about today:
- Understanding Why You Miss Him So Badly
- Learning How To Use Your Focus To Get Him To Miss You
- How To Stick With No Contact
- How Becoming An Ungettable Girl Will Get Your Ex Back
Carefully read through each section and implement each step into your process. If you do this, there is a good chance that you can turn missing your ex into a strength rather than a weakness.
Understanding Why You Miss Him So Badly
Do you ever get into a debate with yourself right before you’re about to eat something because you’re not sure if you’re eating because you’re hungry or if you’re eating because you’re an emotional eater (i.e. bored eating, eating because you’re sad, etc)?
This is what you should be doing when you miss your ex. Instead of wondering why you are eating you are going to consider WHY you miss your ex.
When people actually consider the WHY of why they’re eating, they generally find that it is due to anxiety or boredom. Rarely, do people find themselves staring into the fridge absent-mindedly because they are actually hungry.
It is important to apply the same concept to missing your ex. You should identify why you miss him so that you don’t make yourself feel emotions you don’t need to be feeling. Eliminating the “unnecessary feelings” missing your ex can bring can help you focus on what is making you feel this way.
Identify what is bringing this feeling on.
Let’s start by asking the question,
“Why do you miss your ex?”
Here are some possible answers.
I Miss My Ex Because I’m Lonely
Honestly, this is the most common reason people miss their exes. Loneliness can overcome someone if they are seeing other couples being happy, getting engaged, moving in with each other. It’s common and it’s natural, especially if the breakup was pretty recent.
I Miss My Ex Because Having Him Around Became A Habit
It isn’t him that you miss. It’s just having that connection to someone, a constant presence. This isn’t unusual either. this happens even if your ex is the most annoying person on the planet and even if you were the one who dumped him.
I Miss My Ex Because I Saw An Actual Future With Him
Then there’s the chance that you just had a picture in your head of what life was going to be like with him. And now that he is not in your life, it is hard to picture any other future.
But that’s the time when you have to ask yourself,
“Do I miss him because I really miss him? Or do I miss him because I miss the idea of him?”
I Miss My Ex Because He Is In a New Relationship
Yet again, this is not uncommon.
You were fine until you saw him in a relationship with someone new.
You start to wonder
“Is he doing the same things he did for you to her?”
“Maybe he’s treating her better than he ever treated you?”
“Maybe he’s in a relationship but you haven’t bounced back yet?”
Whatever the reason may be for missing him while he is in a new relationship, it is the very fact that he is in a relationship can be triggering to you.
I Miss My Ex Because I Have No Other Prospects
So, you have started dating again and every guy you’ve met so far doesn’t meet your standards.
Not finding someone to take your mind off your ex can ultimately lead you to that feeling of missing him and wanting him back.
It’s fairly close to that whole “being bored” thing.
I Miss My Ex Because I Was Comfortable With Him
This one is similar to the previous scenario.
You might be subconsciously looking for someone who is like your ex, a replacement.
Or perhaps you are with someone right now, and it just doesn’t feel right because he isn’t your ex?
It’s normal to miss your ex when you are with someone new because dating again or starting new relationships is scary. Your brain is still rewriting that future you had imagined.
It is uncharted territory, especially if the guy is completely different from your ex boyfriend.
I Miss My Ex And I Think I Made A Mistake Dumping Him
You could’ve broken up with him on a whim or in the heat of an argument. It doesn’t take long to regret those things. But it’s pretty hard to admit, even to yourself.
Days go by, maybe even hours, after breaking up with him. You regret ending things and you start to miss him. Perhaps you realize that maybe you do actually love him and all of his flaws.
Okay, so now you know why you miss him. Where do we go from here?
Well, now that you’ve identified WHY you miss him, it’s now time to think about what course you should take moving forward.
If you miss your ex but the reason why has nothing to do with him per se, it’s best to start from the beginning with No Contact and then figure out where to go after you’ve completed it.
Learning How To Use Your Focus To Get Him To Miss You
Now that you understand why you miss your ex, the next question you might be asking yourself is,
“Does he miss me?”
Often times, this is the question we ask right after we first realize we miss our exes, skipping over the understanding why part.
But it’s the WHY that helps you determine which tactic to take.
It could be time to reconsider your reasoning if you miss your ex for reasons that have nothing to do with him:
- You Are Lonely
- Having Him Around Was A Habit
- You Are Still Dealing With Your Expectations
- He’s In A New Relationship
- You Haven’t Found a New Guy To Replace Him
None of these have anything to with
- The type person your ex is
- If he was good to you
- If you were happy with him
- If the problems that caused your breakup are fixable
Giving in to your emotions when the reason behind missing your ex is not based on these factors can lead to catastrophic behavior.
An example would be giving in to the urge to stalk the ex boyfriend’s social media or text him at in the middle of the night saying,
Or worse sending a confession text where you pour out your heart. Those are never good and generally push an ex further away.
We get blinded by the fact that we miss them so much that we throw ourselves into obsessive phases where we watch their every move and try to analyze what it means.
That is not the healthiest choice and definitely not the best choice at all.
So, you have all this energy and you are still deadset on getting your ex back. Well, did you know that you can channel all of that energy into ACTUALLY getting him back rather than obsessing over what he’s doing?
What you want to do is, instead of focusing on missing him, you want to turn that focus on yourself, instead of spending so much time wallowing in self-pity and drowning in obsessive thoughts.
How can you do that?
Simple: Follow the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Process. Execute a complete No Contact and learn how to be an Ungettable Girl.
You can read more about No Contact by clicking here.
Read about No Contact Success Stories by clicking here.
Learn more about becoming Ungettable by clicking here.
So, what is the No Contact Rule?
In every article I write, I like to go over what exactly the No Contact Rule is, or NC to you EBR veterans, so that new readers and members to the EBR program understand what our version of this means.
There are plenty of other cities out there that claim to do what we do. But, where they provide blanket solutions, we like to provide more comprehensive strategies that will help you in your particular situation.
So, they might define No Contact similarly to how we define it.
No Contact is a period of time during which you ignore your ex deliberately.
Our reasoning behind No Contact is to make him miss you more and ultimately allow any negative feelings he might have towards you to dissipate. This simultaneously provides you with an avenue to emotionally recover and grow as an individual.
NC is not a punishment. It’s a healing process.
Most “get your ex back” sites will throw out one random period of time for all situations and say that that is how long you should freeze out your ex. Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery, we have three lengths of time depending on your situation; 21, 30, or 45 days.
You can read more about this in The Ex Recovery Program.
In order to do this, remember that your focus cannot be stuck on your ex.
Return your focus to yourself.
I know, it sounds selfish. But, you have to be a little selfish to achieve Ungettable-ness.
One way you can do this by working on the balance of your Holy Trinity.
I bet you’re wondering
Well, “Trinity” means three, and, in this context, “Holy” means important.
So, what are these three important areas of your life you should focus on?
This is actually a great way to center the focus of your NC on the person that you’re stuck with no matter what: YOU.
For me, I put my main focus on my wealth.
When I was with my ex, he pretty much paid for everything because he was making more money than I was.
After we broke up, I realized that I had become so dependent on him so much so that it was hard to survive on my own.
So, I decided to channel all of that energy into building up my resume. I eventually found jobs that suited my career growth, looked for any creative projects I could manage. And, eventually, I started writing for EBR.
For your situation, you have to decide whether you should focus on just one or all of the Holy Trinity.
You might find that you want to focus more on your relationships. You can do this by reconnecting with friends you haven’t talked to in a while. That could eventually lead to you going out more and meeting new people. For others, it could be going back to church or taking up a different kind of gym routine.
Making sure your Holy Trinity is a balanced triangle can ultimately unleash your inner Ungettable Girl, which we will get into in the last section. But balancing out your Trinity is an awesome step towards being UG, which is not something a lot of girls can achieve. It takes a lot of work and it won’t necessarily be easy. There will be days where you just aren’t confident enough or you relapse into how you felt right after the breakup.
But when you stay focused on your goal to be a better version of yourself, you’ll eventually reach that goal and everyone will notice. Including your ex.
It’s like exes have this magical sixth sense of knowing when you get to a point where you are doing alright without them.
They stalk social media.
They fake a butt dial.
It’s like they have some kind of ex-spidey-sense.
Now that you know how No Contact and becoming Ungettable can help make your ex miss you, it’s time to get focused on how to make that happen, starting with No Contact.
How To Stick With No Contact
I’ve been part of the EBR Private Facebook Group for about a year now and I’ve seen a ton of success stories from women who completed the EBR program
And to be upfront about it, No Contact is the hardest part for most of our members. It takes extreme willpower to tell yourself no. Some of our ladies end up trying multiple times before actually getting it.
To put it bluntly, they didn’t follow NC as it was meant to be followed. And since we’re being honest I’ll go ahead and put this out there. The more attempts you have to go through, the less likely it is that you’ll be successful in getting your ex back.
That’s part of the beauty of the Facebook Group. It functions as a tool where we remind each other what we’re risking if we give in to our impatience.
For you to make your ex miss you, which is the first goal of NC, you have to leave him alone first. You can’t miss someone if they’re always around, right?
One thing you can do to stick with NC is to remember to breathe in some A.I.R.
A previously written EBR article describes A.I.R. as “a way to deal with what triggers you to reach out to your ex.”
If you want to read more of that article, click here.
“Avoid” the triggers.
Stay clear of anything that you know sends you down that path, so you don’t have to think about your ex as much during No Contact. Think of it as an “out of sight/out of mind” kind of trick.
For me, my trigger was golf, my ex’s favorite sport. Anytime I saw anything related to golf, I’d instantly miss him and want to tell him about whatever I had seen. But when I started avoiding anything that had to go with golf, I didn’t give it a second thought.
“Interrupt” the triggers.
If you can’t avoid the trigger, interrupt it.
Triggers are considered trigger because they set off an emotional response.
In my situation, if I saw something golf related, I would distract myself with something that could calm me down. This keeps you from giving into the temptation to text your ex that you miss him. Interrupt it before it can even think, “Awww, I miss my ex.” It allows you to stay focused on completing No Contact.
“Replace” the desire
You will face the constant desire to text your ex. Find an alternative action.
Here are a few of the alternatives I’ve heard from members:
- Grab a snack instead of texting an ex.
- Meditate instead of texting an ex.
- Snap a rubber band on your wrist instead of texting an ex.
- Workout instead of texting an ex.
Double the purpose of your alternative by doing something that works toward improving your Holy Trinity.
For me, when I was overcome with the desire to text my ex, I wrote out what I wanted to say in the notepad app on my phone or in my journal as if I was writing to him. But, here’s the thing. I never actually sent them to him. So for me, I replaced the act of actually texting him with writing what I wanted to say to him in a journal. Sometimes just getting those thoughts out there, outside of your mind, is helpful.
Sticking with NC takes a lot of self-discipline and focus. And to make it work properly, the focus cannot be solely on your ex. You have to be willing to turn that focus back to yourself.
So during this period, when it gets too hard to stay dedicated, redirect toward things that will benefit you in the long run.
How Becoming An Ungettable Girl Will Get Your Ex Back
I’m going to share with an example of a UG sucess story.
After her boyfriend broke up with her last spring, my cousin Erin decided not to wallow in hurt and instead embraced the Ungettable Girl attitude.
She started going out with her friends to help her keep her life moving… possibly with a little help from tequila and dancing.
She also started spending time reading on the beach, going for walks with her dog, and exercising more.
You know what helped her with all of this?
She documented everything on her Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. It was a confidence boost for her. She chose to love herself and shared with the world the ways she did it and got feedback from people other than her ex.
And can you guess what happened?
Her ex, the man who made the mistake of letting her go, realized she was doing so great without him that he started missing her. And it showed because he started texting her… like everyday.
He texted her and called her so much that she got sick of him.
The thing with being an Ungettable Girl is that it is really easy and simple to understand.
But, being UG isn’t easy.
So, yes,. It is hard work but it’s not unattainable. Your easy-access guide to being UG goes back to your Holy Trinity – health, wealth, and relationships.
Remember: Being the best version of yourself basically turns you into the “Ex Boyfriend Whisperer.”
Hearing that you’re doing well, he will find a way to contact you.
Also, instead of just letting him hear that you’re doing well, let him see that you’re doing well.
Just like in my cousin in the story I shared earlier, use social media to your advantage. You don’t have to tell anyone to pass on the news that you’re doing great. He see it for himself.
If you’re going out on a Friday night with a group of friends, snap some selfies and put them on Instagram. If you’re hitting your personal best at the gym, make it a Snapchat story! If you’re going on a trip, let Facebook know!
Chances are, if you’re documenting it, your ex is reading about it, watching your Instagram stories, debating whether or not to like your most recent selfie.
Because seeing you look good without him will start to make him miss you… and start to wonder if he isn’t good enough for you to miss him.
For a more detailed guide on how to become an Ungettable Girl, click here.
To find out ways you might be preventing yourself from being Ungettable, click here.
So, I just overloaded you with a lot of information. I know! It was a lot. But, let’s just take a minute to soak it in and then put it into practice.
Okay, so the familiar feeling is overcoming you and all of a sudden you picture your ex and now you’re thinking, “I miss him…”
What do you do?
First, understand why you miss him by identifying your “why”. Is it because you’re lonely? Is it because you miss being in a relationship? Do you miss him or just the idea of him? Whatever the answer, identify it first before you continue with your actions.
Once you’ve identified your WHY, make sure to use your focus to make your ex miss you by following the NC Rule closely and COMPLETELY. By any means do not break it! Work on yourself first instead of worrying about your ex. Make sure your Holy Trinity is in perfect balance so that your UG charm can shine through. And, in moments of weakness, you can lean on the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Private Facebook Group.
Stick with No Contact by breathing some A.I.R. into it – “Avoid” triggers. “Interrupt” them before they can get to you. “Replace” them with other factors that can distract you.
Lastly, become an Ungettable Girl by working on your Holy Trinity and posting everything you do on your social media. All eyes will be on you, and you can bet one pair will belong to your ex. Seeing you being the best version of yourself, a version you probably never were when you were with him, allows him to see what he’s missing out on.
Make sure to follow these steps. Rock No Contact. And Hone your Ungettable Girl charm. So, instead of you missing your ex boyfriend, he will be the one missing you!
Now, in the comments below let’s have a conversation about your situation in the comments below.
I want to know:
- All about your relationship and breakup
- What you did after your breakup
- What you think your next action should be
Our experts will make sure that you are headed int the right direction.