Getting Over Your Ex And Learning From The Past Without Getting Trapped In It

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

“There is a fine balance between honoring the past and losing yourself in it. For example, you can acknowledge and learn from mistakes you made, and then move on and refocus on the now. It is called forgiving yourself.” –Eckhart Tolle

Too often we find ourselves persecuted by our own minds, trapped in a cinema with our painful memories playing on repeat, like a badly written horror story.

monsters-discussing-memories

Little do we know, that we have the power to get up and walk out at any moment. We do not have to sit there for the third or fourth viewing.

We already lived it once, one review is enough. There is no reason to keep replaying it over and over in your mind.

Take what you can from it and move on.

Right?

Easier said than done.

Getting over the past does not mean simply to erase it and move forward. It relies heavily on learning from it.

If you break your arm, you can’t erase what happened, but you can learn from it and avoid whatever circumstance led to the break in the future.

Move Forward Wisely

When I say move forward wisely, I mean to accept that the past cannot be changed and acknowledge that the future is open to influence. Realizing this can be the turning point of whether you are successful in letting go or find yourself stuck in the emotional quicksand that comes with living in the past.

If you are going to move forward properly, you have to embrace your ability to transform your narrative.

Did you ever read those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books when you were a kid? As you read the story, you find yourself faced with decisions along the story. Each section of story is followed by a

“What do you do…. Choice A or Choice B?”

Eventually, you will find yourself staring at a page that ends with a nice big, “and then you died. The End.”

If you were anything like me, you found yourself in a hurry flipping back to the page you had left previously to choose the other choice. I know. That’s what my friend’s son calls “cheatering.”

As much as we’d like to, you can’t do this in real life, especially with relationships. Accepting that we can’t change the past opens us up to structure the future.

While we’re accepting truths like this, we need to do what I like to consider a self-inventory, by asking ourselves questions that clarify where we stand.

The questions we automatically ask ourselves after a relationship ends rarely give us answers that help us move forward. Generally, they fall more in the category of what chains us to the past.

The questions tend to be “woe is me” type questions and are usually as follows or similar:

What did I do to deserve this?

Why me?

Where did it all go wrong?

Instead, we should focus on questions that heed useful answers, such as:

What is the lesson here?

What can I learn from this experience?

What is most important to me at this point in my life?

How can I make a difference from this point forward?

How can I make my next move be for my best interest and well-being?

Do you see the difference?

The “woe is me” questions that we tend to ask without thinking about it are asking about things done in the past that cannot be changed. The Second set of questions are still asking about the past, but they focus on what we can take from the situation into the future to make progress and move forward.

Quit asking yourself the “woe is me” questions!

woe-is-me

Continuing to expect valid and usable answers from this mindset is literally standing in the way of moving forward.

Reign in Your Emotions

I know people don’t really like to admit that they have… emotions….

But everyone has them!

And emotions have a way of leading us back into the past and then leaving us stranded.

That’s why understanding those emotions is incredibly important once you decide to move forward with your life. One of the most helpful things I’ve encountered as I’ve studied psychology and human behavior over the years is the Emotional Energy Matrix.

emotional-memory-matrix

Generally speaking, it’s easy to know when your energy levels are depleted. It is also pretty clear when you are in a negative state of mind.

There are a few reasons this information is important. The most prevalent is that it takes a lot of will power to overcome the desire to give into the call of the ghosts of girlfriends past. And scientific studies have proven that will power is a limited resource.

What this means for you is that if you spend your day using your will power to make it to the gym, say no to a slice of cake at a coworker’s birthday, and stay on task for the rest of the day at work, your will power might be depleted by the time you make it to happy hour at the end of the day.

Combine that with the fact that you had a full day and the amplifying effects of alcohol, say like making you more tired if you’re tired. You’ll know that you need to avoid the topic of any painful memories because you’d be more likely to find yourself in a burnout situation, where you might, I don’t know, give into temptation and spend your entire night sulking over a beer, okay several beers, and skimming through old Facebook photos of you and your ex.

Knowing where your energy levels, and your head is at, can act as a kind of warning and help you make a more suitable decision. You might decide to skip going out that evening or maybe just steer clear of the bar and avoid that negative mentality all together.

Alright, now that I’ve got you shrinking back in your chair, wishing I’d stop saying the word emotions… let’s move on, both literally and to the next topic…

Be Mindful of the Now

“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.” -Eckhart Tolle

As most of you know, I spend a lot of time riding bikes. And if you didn’t… well… surprise!

Anyways, I’m not sure about bike laws anywhere else, but, where I live, road cyclists function as actual vehicles and have to adhere to the same laws as motor vehicles.

It seems like almost every day there is another report on the news about a cyclist either being killed or horrifically injured in some sort of collision.

A few months ago I collided with another cyclist. While that might seem like something quite comical, I assure you, running into Lez, who is not a small man was not unlike hitting a brick wall. I still have gravel working its way out of my elbow and I don’t think my thumb will ever be the same.

That being said, after my wreck I was talking with a few of the veteran cyclists I ride with.

Every single one of them stressed that staying aware of your surroundings and being “in the moment” is the most important thing when you’re riding.

I’d take it one and a half steps further. It is important in life to stay in the moment and be aware of your surroundings.

Interestingly enough, your surroundings are the next thing I want to talk about.

Quit Holding onto Remnants of the Past

come-back-to-me

I joke with my mother a lot because she has a tendency to hold onto things that symbolize things in the past to her and gets upset with me when I get rid of things that she thinks should hold meaning to me.

If you’re holding onto things that still hold meaning regarding your relationship that you are trying to get over, you might be signing yourself up for failure.

When I’m trying to get over something, the best bet is to try and set milestones that are reachable.

For other people, I usually suggest setting a time period that you want to go without thinking of your ex in a negative manner. This tends to mesh nicely with the “control your thoughts” section I’ll cover in just a moment, but I’m going to leave it up here with getting rid of remnants of the past because they tie together.

Most of them come back at me saying, “Ashley, isn’t that like the purple elephants thing?”

To which I reply with a resounding, “Nope!”

And the reason is this.

Yes, if you are constantly going, “I will not think of my ex. I will not think of my ex. I will not think of my ex.”

What are you doing?

You’re thinking of your ex, right?

We are programmed today to think of goals as things we have to constantly remind ourselves of. So, what I want you to do is set a goal of a couple of days to start with. Then forget about it.

Weird, right?

I know. But the thing is, right now, they’re on your mind a lot. This is why I left this part up here with getting rid of the remnants of your relationship.

Remove everything that triggers memories, even good ones. I’m not saying you have to throw them out. I’m just saying box them up and put them away. I usually give them to a friend to keep safe. Then, after I reach my goal several times over, if I absolutely can’t live without something that has good memories tied to it, I ask for those items back and then have them get rid of the rest.

There’s a reason for this.

Once you stop keeping the things in your life that make you think of your failed relationship, you can focus on bigger things, like goals for the future, things that make you happy, or things you had let slide during the relationship.

Letting someone occupy your mind when they no longer reside as a part of your life is mental torture and one day, without even realizing it, you’ll suddenly notice that it’s been days since you last thought of them.

Then, you’ll realize it’s been weeks.

Claim Control of Your Thoughts

control

After you stop letting your ex lay claim to your thoughts, you’ll find that it’s easier to be happy for them in a sense. They may have been the biggest jerk on the planet, in which case they probably deserve splinter under their fingernails and to never have someone love them again.

But the truth is, if you loved them in any sense, you’ll want them to eventually find happiness on their own. Maybe not now, but eventually you will be able to see them this way. I know it’s hard to imagine, especially if you were incredibly hurt by them, or if the split is still fairly recent, but once you come to peace with the situation it’s easier to see them as someone you once cared for rather than someone who simply hurt you.

If you truly want to move past this hurt you’re feeling, then seeking this frame of mind where you can with them well is the best way to go about it. It isn’t something that will happen overnight, but it should be the route your try to shoot for eventually, simply because it will be the one that gives you the most peace of mind.

I’ve been in mentally abusive relationships in the past, but eventually I came to terms with what happened and accepted this way of thinking. You don’t have to let someone else’s toxicity poison your mind as well. If you allow it to, then it will seep into other areas of your life.

Realizing that there may have been reasons why it didn’t work out that weren’t clear to you before can bring about a clarity that I can only describe as maturity. Wanting someone to suffer simply because they hurt you is incredibly rash and childish and thank goodness it is temporary.

If you take the time to look past any anger and hurt you’ve felt since your breakup and re-evaluate the experience, give up any naïve perceptions, and redefine what it takes to be happy, then you might not only make it through this, no matter how hard it might seem. In fact, I know you can.

Figuring out that it takes something more than another person to make you happy is one of the most liberating things you can discover.

If you focus your thoughts more on staying positive and finding things within your control that bring you joy, you can leave the negative thought surrounding the loss of you your relationship behind.

Another type of thought you have to be leery of are distorted thoughts. These are the ones you tell yourself to rationalize the things you do.

“If I get in shape, my ex will come running back.”

“If I make more money or get a better job, my ex will leave the guy she left me for and beg me to take her back.”

My dad holds onto one distorted thought that completely eludes me regarding his pack -ratting really random things in his shop. I say pack-ratting, because they have a layer of dust so thick covering them that half of the time you don’t even know what they are.

One of the items is old oil lanterns that he finds online and at garage sales.

It’s not quite hoarding, more like collecting if I were to be nice about it.

But in order for him to rationalize it, he tells himself, “Even though my daughter doesn’t see the value in these, and I don’t take any special care of them at all, they will be worth a lot of money one day and she’ll be glad that I saved them.”

I can tell him all day long that I’d be more likely to donate them forgive them away since I don’t have time to appraise and refurbish them now let alone once I’ve taken on responsibilities like a mortgage or even a family. I’m kind of a neat freak, and hate clutter. Yet his rationalization, or distorted thoughts, that make it okay for him to have like 30 of them collecting dust, don’t take that into account.

Coming to Accept Certain Truths

“We hold these truths to be self-evident.”

In fifth grade I had a teacher that made us memorize the Declaration of Independence and The Preamble to the Constitution. I can still quote the entire thing.

Okay, I can sing the entire thing.

Yes, I know, talent. Don’t all line up for my signature at once.

But this line always stood out to me. No, not because it was followed by “All men are created equal” and I felt strongly about that.

No, it was because if we are truly honest, there is almost nothing that is self-evident these days. Our minds play tricks on us. We convince ourselves of things that aren’t true. And we rely on other people to provide us with facts.

Even as a kid I knew that there were very few things we could hold onto as “self-evident”.

So when you stop telling yourself stories to make yourself feel better and you begin to accept certain truths, it becomes a lot easier to let the responsibility to control them slips from our shoulders.

For example, telling yourself that by spending every day in the gym your ex will come back to you.

You can’t control your ex’s actions or feelings any more than you can convince the ocean tide to cease its endless ebb and flow. Worrying about things you can’t control will only drive you mad.

“Worry pretends to be necessary but serves no useful purpose.” – Eckhart Tolle

I once had a friend that convinced himself that if he got a certain job and had a 4.0 GPA in college, that his father who had left when he was a kid would return and be proud of him.

While this was great motivation for him, he was setting himself up for disappointment despite his great achievement. He did graduate with a 4.0 and became a very successful lawyer with his own practice. I ran into him a few years ago, and found out what he had discovered regarding his dad whom he hadn’t hear from since he was seven.

You see pursuing success had afforded him the opportunity to hire a detective and find out what had happened to his dad after he left. Apparently, his dad had gotten remarried had three other kids and then found himself in jail for tax evasion where he died long before my friend ever even decided which college he wanted to go to.

You see by letting yourself believe things that are not true, you are denying yourself the opportunity to live in the actual present. I challenge you to let go of any lies that you’ve been telling yourself.

The lifting of that weight alone will bring you a feeling of peace that rivals any fairy tale ending you could possibly imagine.

Forgiveness

move-forward

I touched on this earlier, but realizing that people have reasons for doing things that you may never know or understand. While our automatic reaction when wronged or hurt is to lash out or hold a grudge, realizing that doing so will poison everything you touch as long as you hold onto it. Any future relationships will be a constant comparison to your failed ones as long as you hold a grudge.

Even as I’m writing this I’m realizing that I need to heed my own words, since minor aggressive thoughts toward my ex keep popping up as I type. I may not understand why he did what he did fully, but I know that he had his reasons for hurting me and betraying me like he did. Just like anyone who may have hurt or betrayed you did.

By accepting that you may never know the real reason and letting go of the frustration that comes with it. It will no longer weigh on your heart, leaving you open to find happiness in the future without and hindrances.

Doesn’t that sound much better than carrying poisonous thoughts of your ex into your future relationships and letting it touch everything positive in your life and, like a plague, turn them all negative from the inside out?

Besides, allowing someone that toxic to walk out of your life can only be a blessing.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Tether Yourself to the Future

I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.” -Thomas A. Edison

That being said, dare to imagine a future where you can forgive your ex, live untethered to a grudge or hatred, and press forward with things that bring you joy. Set goals that make you want to get out of bed in the morning and chase them with what a guy I dated in college referred to as “manic fervor.”

The only time he threw that phrase at me was when I would blow him off because I was so busy researching something with total passion and abandon that it seemed like I was crazed, thirsty for knowledge.

It is impossible to let go of the past without a positive view of the future. It’s something to invest in. The energy created is positive and abundant. If you look back at that Emotional Energy Matrix above you’ll see that this combination is deemed as “performance.”

The reason it is so is because when you chase something you truly care about without having negative emotions tied to it, you aren’t just doing it for survival, you’re doing it to be the best.

If you are doing a job that you don’t particularly love but you are highly motivated, that would be survival. It gets the bills paid. And while paid bills are nice and all, that doesn’t mean you take any pride or joy from doing so.

Set goals that you believe in and that give you purpose.

You see, chasing something that lights that kind of fire in you when you have something like a grudge or negative feelings tying you to a relationship that didn’t work out in the past is like trying to climb a rope in gym class with an anchor tied to your ankles, darn near impossible, unless your superhuman.

Even if you were bit by radioactive spider or from another planet, emotional anchors can be even more damaging to your success.

So my suggestion to you if you wish to move on and get over that crappy feeling you’ve been dealing with, is to cut the anchor loose.

Climb the rope.

Ring the bell.

Fight the good fight.

Set lofty goals and then chase them like crazy.

I can’t think of any more way to say it, but I’m guessing you get the idea.

Just take the advice in this article and put it to good use, and I won’t tell anyone that for a second even you had emotions. It’ll be our little secret.

Pinky promise.

November 1, 2016

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (34)

  1. Grapes001 - 0

    Grapes001

    Hello, I sent a comment on one of the pages on this site asking for advice but I can’t find the page so can’t see if you replied back to me. Basically my bf broke up with me stating he didn’t want to argue anymore and he hadn’t spoken to me in a few days and basically said he wasn’t bothered. This hurt so bad. A few days prior to this he was telling me he wanted to move in with me, was planning Christmas and kids so this has surprised me. We do have petty arguments but nothing that is bigger than the relationship however is a very broken guy. He always sabotages good things in his life and it’s a cycle. Anyways after we broke up I messaged him the usual sad messages, then asked if he fell out of love with me, he said no. I asked how he would feel if someone else was touching me and kissing me. He said he wouldn’t like to see it nor think about it. I left the last message to him and didn’t reply all weekend. I figured that way I can do NC and he was the last one to reply so it works out better for me. We work together so we saw each other today. He walked in as if he was trying to put up a front. This made no sense as he ended it with me and he always said he would be there for me. But he seemed annoyed with me. All day I was being as happy as possible and in turn he was talking loudly but I made sure not to give him any attention. Not even a glance. I felt like he was super annoyed but again makes no sense he ended it with me so he can’t be mad at me for trying to be happy. I accidently called him today it was so stupid and I don’t even know how it happened. He called back and asked if I meant to call him to which I said no as I didn’t even know i did it. I fell asleep woke up and felt really down.the past 3 days I’ve been so strong and I just felt super down so I messaged him. I regret it so much. He hasn’t read it yet but I really regret it. I felt like I finally got some control back and I ruined it by having one weak moment. What do you think I should do? Do you think he has valid reason to act annoyed with me. He’s a very nice guy and not insensitive usually so I don’t understand why he was acting so macho today. Any help on this would be great

    Reply
  2. Sandy - 0

    Sandy

    Hi! I have taken the advice of Chris, and I completed my no contact period. I constantly made improvements in my appearance and in my life. My ex started to like my pictures again and to wave at me in public. I could tell I had his attention. However, the situation is that before we had been dating, he had dated another girl. He then broke up with her to be with me (which I didn’t know at the time), and after dating awhile, he decided the grass wasn’t greener with me and is now dating her. After doing my NC, I messaged him and received a very positive response. The second time I messaged him it was sort of neutral and positive. He acts very hot and cold towards me. One minute he’s staring and the next he won’t look. Please help!!! I feel like he’s in an up and down state. How do I keep him interested and to start moving towards a relationship again?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Dont rush.. It was only two texts.. You have to slowly build rapport and attraction.. If he’s still with the other girl, then you have to be more careful

  3. Emma - 0

    Emma

    Hi! I have taken the advice of Chris, and I completed my no contact period. I constantly made improvements in my appearance and in my life. My ex started to like my pictures again and to wave at me in public. I could tell I had his attention. However, the situation is that before we had been dating, he had dated another girl. He then broke up with her to be with me (which I didn’t know at the time), and after dating awhile, he decided the grass wasn’t greener with me and is now dating her. After doing my NC, I messaged him and received a very positive response. The second time I messaged him it was sort of neutral and positive. He acts very hot and cold towards me. One minute he’s staring and the next he won’t look. Please help!!! I feel like he’s in an up and down state. How do I keep him interested and to start moving towards a relationship again?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Dont rush.. It was only two texts.. You have to slowly build rapport and attraction.. If he’s still with the other girl, then you have to be more careful

  4. Tonya - 0

    Tonya

    Hi Amor,

    Need your advice about my ex. He broke up with me about 5 months ago saying he had too many personal problems to deal with (he never told me anything about those). He was living with his brother and had issues with him causing problems in the home.

    Our breakup was not nasty, I just wished him well and hoped everything would work out. I went into strict no contact and he texted me last week all of a sudden. We chatted back and forth and said he missed me lots. He didn’t say what it was he wanted exactly but then began saying things like I love you.

    I started getting attached to him again and thinking about him a lot on a daily basis.

    Two days ago we were discussing our feelings. Said he will always love me. I replied back said I missed him too and he will always remain in my heart. Didn’t hear back from him for rest of day so I sent another text saying have a wonderful day.

    After this I never heard back from him at all! I pour out my feelings and he just totally ignored it. I feel really hurt and humiliated. I know there is nothing wrong with him (accident, etc.) as I talk with two of his friends regularly at school and there is no evidence of any issues going on like losing his phone, or any emergencies that would cause him not to reply.

    Was he just playing with my head?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi,

      I think he doesn’t want to get back with you, so when you confessed, he realized he cant let you expect.. Dis you try the no contact rule in the past 5 months?

  5. Teresa - 0

    Teresa

    Hi Amor,

    Need your advice about my ex. He broke up with me about 5 months ago saying he had too many personal problems to deal with (he never told me anything about those). He was living with his brother and had issues with him causing problems in the home.

    Our breakup was not nasty, I just wished him well and hoped everything would work out. I went into strict no contact and he texted me last week all of a sudden. We chatted back and forth and said he missed me lots. He didn’t say what it was he wanted exactly but then began saying things like I love you.

    I started getting attached to him again and thinking about him a lot on a daily basis.

    Two days ago we were discussing our feelings. Said he will always love me. I replied back said I missed him too and he will always remain in my heart. Didn’t hear back from him for rest of day so I sent another text saying have a wonderful day.

    After this I never heard back from him at all! I pour out my feelings and he just totally ignored it. I feel really hurt and humiliated. I know there is nothing wrong with him (accident, etc.) as I talk with two of his friends regularly at school and there is no evidence of any issues going on like losing his phone, or any emergencies that would cause him not to reply.

    Was he just playing with my head?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi,

      I think he doesn’t want to get back with you, so when you confessed, he realized he cant let you expect.. Dis you try the no contact rule in the past 5 months?

  6. z - 0

    z

    Hi Chris or Amor,
    My ex and I broke up a month ago, we had 32 days of no contact. I initiated first contact on day 33 and asked him how he’s been. He was really neutral in his response and was nice, but he did say that he’s still not ready to talk to me. I told him that I understand and that he can text me whenever he is ready. Not sure what to do as he made it clear he doesn’t want to talk right now. I love him but feel like I may have to move on and focus on myself and maybe (hopefully) one day he will text me when he’s ready, I just don’t know when that will be. It’s really hard because we also go to the same university as well and I know I’ll run into him. I know that if we ever do run into each other I’d say hi, but I don’t know about him. Any advice?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Z,

      it looks like 30+ days was not enough.. Set a limit on until when you would wait and dont just wait, be active in your life..

  7. Jorda - 0

    Jorda

    Hello, ex-boyfriend recovery.
    I wrote you a comment a day or two ago but didn’t find a response, so I am writing you again.
    Two months ago, my soon-to-be long distance fiance of 3 years split up with me. I begged him to come back the day after the breakup but I decided to go no contact. We got a few important things out of the way a week later, I was cool, calm, collected and then he wrote me, a few weeks later, saying that he wants to meet up sometime, because he will be travelling home. I told him to call me when he will want to speak and he did. I was calm, cool and he was just telling me that he doesn’t want a relationship but just stay friends. I, of course, was all ”yeah, of course we can meet up, of course we can be friends.” and I told him about all the cool things that have happened in my life after I started focusing on myself.
    A few days later, he wrote me something unimportant, I didn’t reply. Then I decided to let go and move on and I deleted his Messanger, unfollowed on Instagram, deleted on facebook. I just needed to move on. To focus on my life. I needed to put the focus on me, not his name appearing online in the contact list. He wrote me asking why I had gotten angry and why I had deleted him off of everywhere after he thought we were fine, that I wasn’t mad. I told him I was not mad at him. Sure, I am upset over the reasons why he hurt me, but I am not angry at him and he isn’t angry at me. I wrote him to just tell him about the new things in my life and he just replied ”I am happy for you but that doesn’t answer my question.”
    I really have no idea how to move forward. I want to say ”You told me you wanted to focus on yourself now (hence he broke up with me). I am focusing on myself too.” or ”You wanted to be alone. I gave you the chance.” or ”Sorry, I just needed space. I wanted to focus on the good things about my life and get on with it.” But, to be frank, I am sure that neither of these are the right things to say. I know he thinks about me, I mean, we were together for so long. I have moved on a little and I am going out and living my life as if he wasn’t an influence, I have got a back-bone and I know that I am worth more than the treatment I got but I am so afraid of investing time into building rapport with him and it ending up in nothing. Still, I am willing to give that up. I am willing to be humble.

    Can you give me an idea of what to say to answer his question ”Why did you delete me?” without sounding like I did it out of emotions? It obviously might seem like I did. I kind of did, actually. Thank you.

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jorda,

      just tell him you did it so you can heal at that time. You know, it sounds corny but starting a relationship also means getting hurt..Whatever kind of relationship that is, whether with a friend, family or even a pet. Being emotionally strong is like being courageous, you’re still afraid but that doesnt stop you from doing what you want. Being stronger for a relationship means being open to risk of being hurt and then walking away when you know you have to walk away..no matter how much it hurts because real love is not needy.

    • Emma - 0

      Emma

      Hi! I have taken the advice of Chris, and I completed my no contact period. I constantly made improvements in my appearance and in my life. My ex started to like my pictures again and to wave at me in public. I could tell I had his attention. However, the situation is that before we had been dating, he had dated another girl. He then broke up with her to be with me (which I didn’t know at the time), and after dating awhile, he decided the grass wasn’t greener with me and is now dating her. After doing my NC, I messaged him and received a very positive response. The second time I messaged him it was sort of neutral and positive. He acts very hot and cold towards me. One minute he’s staring and the next he won’t look. Please help!!! I feel like he’s in an up and down state. How do I keep him interested and to start moving towards a relationship again?

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Dont rush.. It was only two texts.. You have to slowly build rapport and attraction.. If he’s still with the other girl, then you have to be more careful

  8. Emma - 0

    Emma

    Hi guys!
    I recently got my ex back after 8 months following your techniques!!! Thanks a lot!!! I will write a longer post about it to encourage others in similar position here once im certain this is something concrete and not just a brief reunion. I do have a question. I have been reading the posts about keeping my ex once I got him back. Chris states I should spend time with the girls too. The problem is I am new to this city and most of my good friends here are straight male friends. But they are platonic friends as far as I am concerned . I was wondering if spending time with them is just as good or would this make my boyfriend jealous? The issue is I know (by self reflection) one of the reason he broke up before was because I was spending all his time with him (just because I had just moved to the city then and started the relationship and literally didn’t know many people then). He however says it’s his fault and he was not over his ex etc (which I think is only part of the reason). So I really don’t want to spend all my time with him and spend time with friends but at the same time I don’t want to make him too jealous. I was wondering if this is a bad idea: spending time with male friend?

    Waiting for your answer
    Best
    Emma

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Emma,
      congratulations! It’s ok o gonout with your guy friends but you have to make new girlfriends too

  9. thenewnormal - 0

    thenewnormal

    I was dating someone for about 3 months (we were not exclusive). We had a bit of a misunderstanding at which point he said have a nice life too after I had said best of luck. He deleted me on all social media platforms over the proceeding week. He watched me first snap and then he deleted after watching my first snap. The same day we had the misunderstanding he deleted me on one of his Instagram (but kept me on the other one). After a few days (two days after I had posted a new picture) he then deleted me on his last Instagram. He used his Instagram very regularly so I know he saw the image the day I posted it. I have tried to apologise several times via WhatsApp (we primarily communicate with this app) he reads my messages and ignores me. I have called and asked him out right if he wasn’t me to stop communicating. He said that he would hear me out when HE was ready and wouldn’t answer if he wanted me to just stop contacting him. He has never ignored me before and it has not been a week since he has responded to me. Is it more likely that he has decided he wants NOTHING to do with me? I am a little confused why he would take me saying all the best so to heart and take that as I wanted to cut contact with him.

    What can I do to fix this situation or is it highly likely he is completely do?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi The new normal,

      try doing a 30 day no contact first.. If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ve done what you can. Check out about the no contact rule here:
      The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)

    • thenewnormal - 0

      thenewnormal

      Hi Amor, I broke no contact on day 15… I also didn’t use the style of text that Chris recommends as I let friends convince me that the text I have (following Chris’ style) look desperate. Instead I sent him ‘ Hey, it’s been a while, just checking if you are ok’. He read my message on WhatsApp within minute, but didn’t reply.

      What should I do? Go back into no contact for 30 or 45days and then send a first text in the style Chris suggests? or do you think he is likely to just keep on ignoring my messages and wants nothing more to do with me? Just so confused as he seems to be making a huge deal out of something that seems so minor…

    • thenewnormal - 0

      thenewnormal

      this is the first contact text I wanted to sent ‘You’re not going to believe what I just saw, instantly thought of you…’ my friends convinced me this looked desperate… is this ok for a first contact text?

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Try to restart count and do 30 days and then for the first contact text, you can use a current topic that’s interesting for him.. For example, the walking dead. Like did you saw the latest episode of twd? I remembered one of your theories before, you’re right! How did yout think about that?

      Or

      how are you? just passed by your favorite resto and they’re having a promo, I remembered you and I just had to give you a heads up after your would be reaction popped up in my mind.

    • thenewnormal - 0

      thenewnormal

      Thanks Amor, will start the no contact over… Knowing him, I doubt he would respond to any of the messages you suggested… Would Chris’ style of first text not be suitable? Texting aiming like ‘I have a confession’ or ‘you’ll never guess what I just saw, instantly though of you’ etc

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      there’s no guarantee that it will work or not, but seeing that you’re not comfortable with it, I suggested a new style

  10. Relentless - 0

    Relentless

    Please Chris, make an article about non Muslim women dating a Muslim guy. I really need it to get back my ex, but I feel cos of culture and his religion it may be impossible. I don’t want to compromise myself just to keep him.

    Reply
  11. Ella - 0

    Ella

    Hi, okay I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible cuz I just need a few pointers on what to do next. The guy I am dealing with is still in his early twenties and he still seems liek a bit of a kid at heart in a way. Most of our interactions come from facebook or chat because we live in different states. He does have a certain kind of maturity and strength of a man, but he doesn’t really socialize much and barely knows anything about girls. He can also be a little shy and it takes a lot of time for him to think of something or progress on something, he is not impulsive. He has a bunch of insecurities he doesn’t want to address either so he basically just rolls with life. So recently I was a little emotional (I take responsibility for this) and brought up some of my insecurities with him. I wanted to see (or make sure?) that he feels a bit of the same way with me (his actions say so, but he’s not the kind to -say- how he feels. He also isn’t the type of guy to reflect on what he’s feeling about things.) So I was asking him if he cared about me as much as I did (to which he replied probably not but it’s not as if he doesn’t care) and I said i just wanted to make sure we were on the same feeling. I know this move is something of insecurity and i was emotional, but I dared to speak. I also told him I started to have certain feelings and he asked further for me to elaborate. So I did say I was attracted to his personality and it’s different from with my other guy friends. And when he said he wasn’t following any of what I am talking about anymore and he said sorry that he might not meet my expectations: I realized that it sort of looked like I was wanting him to ask me out or propose a relationship. The truth is, I just wanted to hear how he feels about me and I wasn’t expecting any of that (because LDR and we got a lot of things going on in our lives atm.) I did tell him that I need his kind of strength by my side and I enjoy times with him.

    So realizing that I might appear to be pressuring him to ask me out, and worried that he might think I have an agenda of locking him in a relationship, I decided to friendzone him (quite awkwardly) by saying I wanted to be a good friend to him. It obviously took him off guard because he said he misunderstood. His actions show that he’s enjoying my company (other people think we’re a couple, even!) but I am not sure what this kind of behavior means (what do you think?) I also told him that i think it’s not a good idea to have a relationship fast especially when there are things in life I have to deal with (which i believe in.) So after a while when I was about to end the chat, I flipped the tables and told him a bit teasingly that I may have worded things in a way, but I am surprised that he thought of things in that way/direction about us (like I wanted to know how he felt but he was thinking i might want a relationship with him.) Then I finished with saying it’s a pleasant surprise to hear that.

    In the end, I realized I 1) Made my feelings about him clear, that I -like- him and care for him/love him, 2) I basically friendzoned a guy I like! I am not really in a rush for a relationship to happen right now, I just wanted to hear words from him about how he feels with me (but as I said, his actions seem to say a lot these past months.) But yes I need help on what to do next. I want his desire or attraction for me to increase but I also want to -not- be a relationship-with-benefits. We -are- sweet with each other and people say we make a perfect couple because we are on the borderline of close friends and a couple I think. A friend told me we care for each other in a way a couple does. I am not sure if I should keep a distance or “lessen my care” for him for a while (it might make him uncomfortable that he creeped me out by misunderstanding, but if i keep sticking around he might think I’m clingy.) If I would like this to lead into a protential relationship in the long run or in the future and if I would like him to (keep) seeing me in a not-friend-only way… what do I do? It is true that his masculine energy commands or harmonizes with my feminine energy, but I want to show him that I’m a UG too. I have a hard time wording this concisely, but I hope you get what I am saying. What do you think about this situation? and what do you think I should do?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ella,

      You’re not in the same page.. he’s flirty, you wanted more but he doesn’t. I think it can help you that you friendzoned him. Right now, if you want, start the no contact period.Since he already knows how you feel, and you already frienzoned, stopping to tall to him and moving on is just a normal step you should take.. Be active in improving yourself..In a way, it can help make him think that be can lose you..

  12. Relentless - 0

    Relentless

    Hi,
    My boyfriend broke up with me last night. We were together for 10 months but lately it’s been difficult due to the fact he’s Muslim and I’m not. He’s been away from his country for over 4 years, trying to get a permanent residency here. Even though at first he was saying he doesn’t want to go back, his life is here with me lately he’s been wanting to go back. Also been saying that we are too different. He cares a lot about me, he cried when he broke up with me and has been saying he would rather hurt me now than later. He also said that the fact he can see the future so clearly has stopped him falling in love with me. But he said he’s never cried over a girl before, even his ex who he was with 5 years. We have both agreed to try and find a way to work things out so we can be together, I even have been considering converting in order to not lose the man I love but he’s worried in the future I will be broken hearted. What do I do?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi,

      Just to make it clear first..What did you mean that you dont want to compromise yourself? You dont want to change religion anymore?
      check this one:
      How To Get An Ex Boyfriend Back With Religious Differences

    • Relentless - 0

      Relentless

      Yeah, that’s what I mean. I don’t want to change my religion, move countries and everything. Right now he’s talking about moving back after 3 or 4 years. A lot can change in those years. And the fact he’s not yet in love does that mean we are doomed?
      It’s not just religion, it’s the fact he’s considering going back to his own country, that’s very difficult to change.

    • Relentless - 0

      Relentless

      Yeah, that’s what I mean. I don’t want to change my religion, move countries and everything. Right now he’s talking about moving back after 3 or 4 years. A lot can change in those years. And the fact he’s not yet in love does that mean we are doomed?

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      frankly, if the religion or getting back to his country is what he really wants but you dont like it then it looks like you have to move on..

Join the Conversation: