When Should You Use The No Contact Rule - The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast

351 thoughts on “EBR 042: When You Should Use The No Contact Rule”

ali

April 25, 2016 at 7:47 pm

Hey would love some help please , my boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with me out the blue a few hours ago very much in love and live round the corner from each other as we are in university , cried about it took a walk and ready to change what i need to, we was under a lot of stress cause of coursework, as I get clingy attention seeky and naggy when under stress and lack of sleep , he gets distant and isolates himself, this made him feel we was very different people therefore not suited for each other and made him unhappy with my recent behaviour this month, i need to change this, however he said he loved me and even kissed me when he broke up he said there was no way we could fix this he wants me to go away for summer (5 months as we live in different parts of the counrty ) and just concentrate on becoming the old me again , to come back to uni as friends … heres the thing we have put a deposit down and signed a contract to live with each other in august, next room to one another and 5 of our friends .. is this a good idea to continue cause he said he happily wants to still live with me and honestly be friends.. i duno if its too early to call but i want to fix things within these 5 months cause we was a strong and happy couple before the work stress and worked very well together with similar goals he also said he wasnt getting what he needed out the relationship but couldnt specify , i dont want to end up watching him love someone else in the future with literally a wall between us , i want us to be back together and continue with the goals we wanted to share with each other travel ect, writing and illustrating ect we worked extremely well together i feel it was all to rash any words of advice please and thankyou x

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 27, 2016 at 6:12 am

Hi ALi,

take time to cool off from being too emotional first before discussing serious things..

Irene

April 20, 2016 at 8:25 am

hi,
Just realize it’s hard to explain simply.
We met in Australia , cross culture, medium age gap as I’m older, at the beginning we both know one of us gonna move soon so just dating in casual way , but we still can’t help to fall in for few months.
Then we start the LDR, we both visited our country for each other with no prior plan, but my situation change so have to back my country for another few months. the fairy tale broken along of more and more heart-breaking separation and argument (online so it’s worse!), but we didn’t even face the issue when we really meet ’cause we always feel there’s not time to talk just wanna enjoy the moment. Finally he say he need some space just 2 days before I leave Europe last time.
We make up too fast not even 1 week, but I become more insecure and more emotional and more argument drive us really crazy.
1 month before he came my city for few day as transfer to Australia with jaglag. I just find a job and stay, not really ready to meet him. We argued just the first day and make up like a circle… when the very last night I was suddenly so scare when he ask me my plan. I don’t know why I lose control, I said I’m not sure, he said we need more space…I can handle it anymore then pushed him to said the sentence I don’t wanna hear.

I believe this break up is because of the unstable situation between us and not enough communication, even I already plan to move in the end of the year, before he live he said I’ll come in the mid of the year and I said I’ll come in the end of the year. we didn’t speak too much. finally I didn’t tell him my blueprint.
When he juts arriving I ignore him for few days then he speak to me as usual, some time even write a lot, i replied with one cold sentence, but sometime he ignore me if I speak to him. We become colder and slower. we never speak like before we called every 2,3 days.

I still fallow my plan- study my master in Australia and move on my life, but actually every time he ignore me or write to me I still feel painful. I’m so confuse about what’s it now? I can’t focus at all even I pretending nothing happen but full of regards. I don’t wanna come back this kind of drama again. but I still love him, sometime I just wanna give up. sometime I just really wanna hear from him.

sorry for too much detail, it’s been a month, is it still timing to try the no contact rule for the colder and colder ex? how can I defeat the feeling that I’m losing him? thanks

Irene

April 27, 2016 at 2:47 am

hi, I’m still in NC just a week, then I’m shock that he might start dating with someone last weekend, just 3 weeks ago he still respond me a lot, then less and less because I was cold, I know the NC is help me to move on but I feel confused about this feeling.
We dating for just 4 months and LDR for 4 months (we meet again for 1 months, separate for 1 months and so…but now we both have jobs so it looks harder to meet again in short time). i was planning to studay there in Nov. but I didn’t give him the words (when we fighting I said I’m not sure).
is it hopeless situation? can I still contact him after the 30 days NC? is it a rebound?
there’s so many strategy past card here, when I read more I feel I did more mistake and I know he will move on soon (new job, new place and good friends) what can I do or how should i prepare for myself?
thank you so much
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 27, 2016 at 9:52 am

hmm after he said he needed space,do you think it would be better if you kept contacting him?
Aiko001202@yahoo. com. tw

April 24, 2016 at 6:28 am

Thank you, but i still so worry I’ll losing him sometimes.
Aiko001202@yahoo. com. tw

April 23, 2016 at 4:29 am

Hi Amor,
I did first, last weekend he respond with (not really) natural, positive but have some distance respond. but I’m too afraid so reply another day.
But I’m too tired about the situation. So I sent him few sentences after 3 days to say goodbye.
I wrote it something like thank you to showing in my life, I’ll miss the memory, I’m sorry, we now need some space, enjoy the life.
It’s maybe a bit wear because I never wrote over 3 sentences after break up.
but I wrote it by honestly, maybe too much or too heavy for the situation now but I feel I really wanna move on, even I miss him. For sure no respond.
So if I start the Nc should count as the Thursday right? Should I do the 21 days or 30? Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 23, 2016 at 2:48 pm

Try 30.. actually nc is for moving on.. so, that’s good..it’s better to be emotionally stronger first before getting into any relationship again.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 22, 2016 at 6:15 am

Hi Irene,

Are you the one who started being colder to him? When did you last talk?

Amy

April 15, 2016 at 4:26 pm

Hi Amor

I’d just like to ask, is it okay that I have started the NC rule a full month after my ex and I broke up? And also I am 12 days into it and heard nothing from him, should I be concerned?
Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 18, 2016 at 4:14 am

Hi Amy,

it depends on how you were the month before you started it.. nope.. you should be focused on yourself.. Be proactive so you can fully utilize nc.

Angela

April 13, 2016 at 10:02 pm

Hi Chris/Team!
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. My boyfriend of 2 years…didn’t exactly break up with me. But it does sort of feel like maybe I got ghosted?
We were together for about a year when i got pregnant with our daughter. I broke up with him shortly after she was born, but he was able to get us back together after a week or so. A week after we got back together, his family held an intervention (he’s an alcoholic) and he decided to go to rehab indefinitely. He promised to call me when he got there, but i didn’t hear from him for a month! He called me and told me he missed me and loevd me and was so upset that he was missing so much of the baby’s life already, but then the call cut out. A few days later, I hear from him again. He said that he loved me and the baby, but he can’t be around his family anymore. To be honest, they are toxic to each other and i did not disagree with that. So i said, OH, then me and the baby will just move up wherever you want to go! and he said not to worry about it, that i will be fine without him and i don’t need him. It’s been almost a month since that phone call.

Now, i don’t know if he is still at the treatment center. I don’t have a good relationship wiht most people in his family. i do talk to one of his sisters, but she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. i have no way to contacg him as his brother took his phone before he checked into the center. I’m at a loss of what to do…any advice anyone has would help! I love this man, this is who i chose to build a family with. I just want to fight for him and my family if possible

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 14, 2016 at 10:05 am

Hi Angela,

try to go to the treatment center anf talk to him first

Marta

April 12, 2016 at 7:43 pm

Hello!

First I want to apologise for my not so good english, but I need help.
I’m 26 years old and my boyfriend is 27. He break up with me on 22 feb. this year. We was together 5 years 3 months and live together from 4 and a half years. We love each other and he told me that he still loves me and will loves me always, but he doesn’t want to be in this relationship anymore. He needs to be alone and find himself. I was like crazy when he told me that, because we was good and I wasn’t expected something like this. We even had plan to buy a new oven in monday. I was completely shocked.But we talked right there and I accepted this. We hugged a lot and for a long time, and kissed each other and he left our home. For a 2 weeks we had some phone calls from his side, to ask me how I am. We met ones at our friends wedding party, I was awful…just a mess. Next day we had a date. We spoke a lot and he explained to me that this is his decision and there’s no other way. We kissed and hugged again and I felt his heart beating so strong and wild until he was hugging me. I felt his love and confusion. Next week I found I was pregnant, I told him and he becomes so happy. He told me that he want the child and asked if I want to make a child with him right now, in case the pregnancy test is not right. I was “Yes”. For a month everything was ok. I told him to not come back immediately, to stay where he was and take his time. That was because I was sure he needs this. Then I lose the child in the early pregnancy , before 2 weeks. He was caring and nice for a while. I was like a mess. This child was my dream for year. Then he starts to ignore me a little again and I was going crazy again. After a week we met and he told me the same thing like on 22 feb. We broke up again. Was all the same. I love you, I love you, but I need to be alone, I want to be free, I’m not sure if you are the right person to spend my life with. I was like Ok. We’ll be fine. Still friends, everything will be ok. I will never lose my faith for our future together. I decide to leave him to take his time and find what he wants. I was not calling him. But he phoned me after two days to check me. We had a nice and friendly conversation, I was happy and positive. Then I found you and decide to take your advices and to do NC rule. But today, after a 3 days he wrote me on facebook. With this “Hey! Hello, how are you, how it’s going?” And now I don’t know what to do? I know he loves me, but I’m not sure if he miss me or just checking, because as a couple we speak everyday, we was together everyday and I feel terrible to not answer him. What if he decided that I’m angry or I doesn’t want him anymore. I don’t no what to do, what if he call me or if he never call me or write me again?

Marta

April 14, 2016 at 10:10 pm

oh…it’s late. He write me on facebook again today with “Why you don’t text me or call me back?” And I text him back after 2 hours. With ” Hello. Sorry for not responding. I need my time right now.” He text me back immediately, that was shocking for me. Something like ” ok, there’s no problem, sorry if I’m disturbing you or if I was rough. I’m not going to take your time”. Me: “Ok, thank you for this”. Then he try to ask me something about our work. Me:” Ok, no problem”. He: “Ok, have a nice day”. Me: “Have a nice day too”. The whole thing was strange. So I’m going to do NC now, hope to work after this.2
Marta

April 14, 2016 at 7:51 am

He called me yesterday and I didn’t answer. So he try to make a contact with me from 3 days. I start to think its working because obviously he think of me. In all of your articles about the NC you alway say not to break the rule. Why I must break it in my case? Is there something specific which you see in this situation? Can you explain me?
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 14, 2016 at 12:52 pm

oh shocks sorry.. I misunderstood yoir comment.. I thought you broke nc and going to restart.. anyways.. sometimes it can be broken but only if he sincerely says he wants to work things out or if he sends 10 positive texts in that day
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 14, 2016 at 1:11 am

HI Marta,

tell him you need space to find yourself too and you’re not comfortable being friends with him for now, so you need to take your time to be yourself again and then do nc.. Be active to improve yourself and in having fun..

Kim

April 7, 2016 at 11:09 pm

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years and two months ago, he broke up with me saying he is not longer in love with me and that we should be friends. We had been long-distance for almost the entire length of our relationship and he broke up with me three months before us being reunited in the same city. (as I would be done with university)

Before our break up he was calling me every day and we would have endless conversations that were always fun and healthy. Yet, I could see that he was a bit depress since he had just move to a new city and knew nobody except for some of my friends. Over Christmas he had actually ask me if i wanted to move in with him and I said yes. I had absolutely no clue he would break up with me in the following months.
yet he did, for the first weeks I started the no contact rule and he send me a few messages that I ignored. Yet 2 weeks later I failed and called him. He seemed very happy and said we should keep in touch. I called me back 4 days later and we talk for 20 minutes when I said I had to go meet some friends. 10 days later I texted him, asking how his moving has been (he had just bought a new place) but he answered very weirdly, and I did not insist. again 10 days later, I asked him if he remembered the name of a place ( a restaurant) we had been together in New york, because a friends was going there and had asked me for recommendations. He answered with short response, but still friendly. in the end i said : anyway i’d love to have some news from you, let me know when you are free. but he sort of ignored my message and continued the discussion on the NY restaurant. I did not insist.
i’ll be back in the same city as him in 2 weeks and I wonder if I should ask him for coffee. or if I should wait 30 days to do the no contact rule properly. He is hanging out with all my friends so i feel is going to be hard to avoid him anyway… Moreover, I will only stay in the city for a week, before going on a 3 weeks trip. Should I just contact him after returning from my vacation, that would be 5 weeks? or seeing him in between would be better ?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 9, 2016 at 6:27 am

Hi Kim,

there was no rapport build up because of the 10 days apart from the texts.. if you want you could try nc and then make it until after you came from the vacation.. or continue texting him from now try to meet up when you go back for a week and then continue texting whether he agrees to meet up or not to build tapport

Riku

March 31, 2016 at 9:12 pm

I understand better now how the No Contact rule can work well in a situation like Mary’s. Thank you for explaining it. I’m wondering if I should implement the No Contact rule too. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me a few days ago, and unlike Mary who seems like she didn’t do much wrong in the relationship, I have made a few mistakes (nothing big like cheating, but I guess I often nitpicked at him, made him feel bad, we argued a lot (according to him), I distanced myself from him a while back, I doubted him and said that he probably only wanted to be with me so that he wouldn’t be alone.. I’ve said some pretty hurtful words). I’ve already apologized profusely for my mistakes, but my ex has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want a relationship at the moment and wants to work on himself, but he wants to remain friends with me as he does that. Should I implement the no contact rule or continue to be his friend and to be present in his life? I know he was pretty upset at the idea of me being completely gone from his life, and I don’t want to make him upset anymore, but what should I do to increase my chances of him wanting to get back together with me eventually?

EBR Team Member: Amor

April 3, 2016 at 12:02 pm

Hi riku,

tell him you need space because you can’t be friends for now but don’t tell him for how long.. and then do nc

Rush

March 23, 2016 at 6:07 am

Hi Amor,

Me and my ex met in dec 2014 and became great friends. He had broken up with his ex an year back before he met me because she had cheated on him due to which me moved to a new city ( my city) where him and I met. We were in the same classes so we met everyday and started out as friends. He developed feelings for me which I wasn’t interested in due to the aspect of his ex being a part of the scene and his messy break up. He confided everything to me, eventually I developed feelings too and we started dating. We practically started living together and the relationship was great. Almost perfect. Till his ex found out about it and started hounding him, initially e resisted but then he started being nice to her and told me he is doing so out of sympathy for her. I didn’t like that fact so much so I told him that we need to break up if he still keeps in touch with his ex, he told me she “needed” him, so we broke up last October. Ever since we have been great friends again. We talk almost daily for an hour atleast but we are not officially dating. He flirts with me outrageously, talks about random travel plans together in the future and stuff but he is still friends with his ex too which makes me really uncomfortable.
So I thought I’ll just let things pan out on their own, if nothing atleast I have him as a good friend. In feb on 12th to be precise, he admitted to his feelings for me. after that day I hoped things between us will change for the better but weirdly since that day he became distant, told me to stop being friends and even started hanging around with his ex!!! This was too much for me to take so finally after fighting and arguing I decided to do the no contact rule. It’s been 20 days now and he hasn’t contacted me even once (apart from wishing me for a major job interview on 9th, for which he just texted all the best, nothing more or personal.)
Apart from that no phone call or text. Three days back he even deleted me from his contact list, I know this because on his whatsapp I can’t see his display profile, status etc while one of our common friends can.
I really don’t know what to think of this whole situation. Does this mean he has thrown me out of his life. Also do I have any chance of getting him back when an ex is involved!! I am really confused and depressed. Please help.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 31, 2016 at 2:01 pm

Hi Rush,

it’s better of you move on from him..If he really wants you back he should stop talking to his ex and prioritize you

lela

March 15, 2016 at 8:46 pm

I am currently doing the no contact rule.
My ex and I broke up a week ago and we were together for 6 months with no dramatic moments or moments that i would call bad, but it didn’t end very well. The last thing he told me was that his life is better off without me. He told a friend that he had to say that to help me move on. The reason why we broke up was because he needed more time to study, and he wanted more time for himself such as playing games and stuff. Our mutual friend told me that he is currently really happy with his life which he can focus on school and his games.
I’m really scared that the no contact period is not going to work due to the fact that my boyfriend has been playing video games for years before I even dated him. I just thought he might as well replace the time he spent with me with gaming. Our mutual friend which is also his best friend told me that we won’t get back together in the future and that there is no chance. I honestly don’t know what to do. I do feel like he still cares, because sometimes I will catch him looking at me. I am still hoping to get back together with him. It’s really hard because we are both in boarding and we see each other every day, but we don’t talk to each other at all. He is a very shy and not sociable person, I’m scared that he would never make a move even if he would want to get back with me.
We are having our Easter break soon as well, so I won’t be seeing him for 2 weeks.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 16, 2016 at 7:58 pm

Hi Lela,
well, that’ s good that you’re going on Easter break. It’s going to be an easier nc.. You know, he’s human, he’ll miss you but I think what he wants to see is that you have your own life too because that means he has more time playing.. I’m not saying you don’t have but I think he wants you to have more time for yourself so he can have his own..

kate

March 15, 2016 at 6:23 am

HI not sure what to do my ex and i started having issues in nov and we tried a week apart that didnt work we were together for 3 yrs have a house together etc i moved out 2 mths ago and we agreed to wait 3 mths to make sure its what we wanted before we sort the house out we talked hear and there he called it as 2 mths and said he doesnt need any more time he wants to pay me out and just be on his own we have talked a little since then waiting on the bank to approve the loan he has said he will come to me and see me and hand over the money, when he comes to see me is that when i should start the no contact or is it to late

kate

March 15, 2016 at 10:23 pm

w texted Wed 16Th no idea when the meet up will be depends on the bank could be a week could be a mth, he might even pull out and not meet me hes admiit he wants to be on his own
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 16, 2016 at 8:12 pm

You can start no contact now, and if you think the bank will approve more than 30 days, you can do just 30 days.. If less that’s okay..Just make the most out of your remaining time
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 3:21 pm

Hi Kate,

when was the last time you talked and how many days do you have until the meetup?

Amy

March 15, 2016 at 3:17 am

Can you still use the no contact rule, after broken up for 6 months now and we have been keeping in contact the whole time and trying to be friends..? Is it too late now to use the no contact rule? If not, how shall it be implemented under this circumstance? It will be odd when friends stop talking to each other for a month and I think he recently started dating (or try to date) as well. If I implement No Contact Rule now, wouldn’t it just give him the opportunity to not have me in his life while he is trying to meet a new girl?

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 2:17 pm

Hi Amy,

I think you’re friendzoned right? You have to check this post out. It’s about that. EBR 012: How To Get Out Of The “Friend Zone” With Your Ex Boyfriend

Lea

March 15, 2016 at 3:06 am

So this guy and I were talking since November. He lives far away but will be moving back in two years. I had my reservations about starting a long distance thing but for him being retired from the military, being far away was not a big issue to him as he insisted we could make it work and visit as much as possible. His family, parents etc all live here so he does visit. He discussed me visiting him and asked would I consider moving over there until he can move back and asked would I be willing to wait for him since he can’t move yet. He would contact me everyday no matter how busy even if it was brief just to say thinking of you. He honestly was perfect! We have AMAZING attraction and chemistry and HAD great communication….until we had a fight. The fight was my fault. He tried after the fight to make effort to brush it under the rug and go back to where we were but I kept bringing it up again and reopening the wound. I ended up unintentionally pushing him away and after that, he lost interest. He started texting less actually not at all unless I initiated. I let him know that I had taken him for granted but still could not get him to try like before. Basically after that, it seemed he would only reply to be nice. I finally just said ok lets be friends, he half-ass agreed like oh ok whatever. I didn’t hear from him for a couple weeks, so I deleted his number and did not expect to ever hear from him. Well surprisingly after about a month, he did get in touch again and little by little we text more. He was texting once a week and I would initiate about once a week. Now he progressed to a few times a week and so have I. I figured it was just as friends. But last week, he started to mention visiting me this summer and asked would I make time for him. So I guess that is good. The problem is when we do talk, it’s not in depth most of the time like before. I can’t tell if he is just guarded or has lost some of the “feeling”. He tells me he is still very attracted to me and started calling me baby again but never says I miss you like before or opens up with me about his thoughts like before unless I ask. He hardly sends in depth texts unless I ask something specific like advice on something then he will send me a long long text. Yesterday, he text me and I waited about 30 minutes to respond. It was late and when I did respond it was even later so he either ignored my text or was asleep. Well he didn’t text this morning so I waited til the afternoon to shoot him a text again. Still nothing….all day!! He has never ever taken a long time to respond….ever! I know it is a bad sign when a guy ignores a text. Even though technically he initiated the first one yesterday. So I cannot decide to keep slowly seeing where it goes or cut my losses? I am having the hardest time getting him back on the same page. Help!!

Lea

March 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

Gosh, I never thought of it that way! I will try it. It doesn’t hurt to try another approach. I will keep you posted on whether or not it works. Now that you mention it, he made effort to make plans with me after I first, flirted a little to let him know I still like him. That day we had a great conversation. You’re right as well about calling him baby….I have not been doing much of that either. It is so great to have your perspective! Thank you!
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 16, 2016 at 1:24 pm

actually I was just quoting what he said that he called you baby.. haahahah but it worked so, congrats! 🙂
Lea

March 15, 2016 at 3:36 pm

It could be that I am also being that way but only because of how he is acting. To be honest, I am not sure why we even keep in touch if all we do is say Hey once in awhile or ask how our day is going. I was surprised he even mentioned seeing me this summer. But it was not like that in the beginning. He was very very direct in the beginning and made it clear he wanted me and wanted to try. So since I know he is that way, and he is not being exactly the way he was, I guess now I am wondering if he really wants to try?? Or if he isn’t sure so maybe has me on the backburner until he visits to see how he feels once we spend time together? Or if he is just guarded because of the fight. After the fight, he did open up and he let me know that he felt I did not try to fix it with him. But like I said, ever since then it seems we just cannot get back to where we were and I do not know how, especially if now he is actually ignoring my texts when he NEVER did that before.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 4:15 pm

Hmmm.. I know this sounds a bit biased, but let’s test how he would react if you initiated a positive text for three days.. Because if he is holding back because he thinks you don’t like him he might not respond positively at the first positive text from you , he would want to make sure you won’t change your mind. Coz, I’m really thinking what if he also thinks the same thoughts you have? What if you do what you want him to do? (I’m not blaming ok? It’s hard to convey tone in text >_< :D) I'm just really thinking what if he's just being cautious because he wants to see how you feel about him too? What if he thoughts was, "I was calling her baby, but there was no sweet response from her. I tried texting her but she takes 30 minutes to respond." I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying what if that is what he's thinking?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 3:13 pm

Hi Lea,

Are you engaging in his talk or you also hold back? What if you were both measuring each other?

Becca

March 14, 2016 at 2:24 pm

Hi! So last Friday my boyfriend of four years broke up with me saying that he still really cared for me but he felt like he saw our lives going in different directions and that we’d have to sacrifice too much to stay together even though we love each other. This is coming at a time in his life where he’s just about to graduate from college and feeling very pressured by his future, his family, and his role as a boyfriend. We had a long talk about his feelings, that I think went reasonably well, and at the end of it he said “well maybe we can talk about us more in the future.” This have me the sense we were more on a break. So, since then, I wrote him a letter (not too emotional, just making some points about my personality and how I don’t think his dreams take him too far from mine) and I’ve visited him once, during which time we slept together and had a nice weekend. We didn’t talk about anything emotional or anything pertaining to the break up, just had fun together without pressure. I’m not sure if I should approach our situation with the complete no contact or not, since it’s still kind of unclear to me whether or not we’re technically broken up. I wanted to get an outside opinion on what I should do or how I should approach this. Thanks!

Becca

April 2, 2016 at 4:11 pm

I’m not sure how things are on his end, we haven’t spoken in twenty days. The last message we exchanged was sent by him cancelling some plans we had made to go to a baseball game later that week and I never responded. Neither of us has reached out since. I just know he had previous mental issues with depression that weren’t associated with our break up that cause him to isolate himself and sometimes do self destructive things like the week after we first broke up he went out and got black out drunk at a bar alone and ended up coming home with a lot of scrapes. It just makes me concerned for him since I was the only person he had as an emotional support, he doesn’t divulge his feelings with his friends or family at all.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2016 at 4:39 am

it’s been three weeks, so it’s better to try again a first contact now.. if he still doesn’t reply..then wait 4 daya again but after that if he still doesn’t reply, then it’s better to stop
Becca

April 1, 2016 at 11:42 pm

I’m not sure how things are on his end, neither of us have reached out to each other. The last message we exchanged was sent by him nineteen days ago cancelling plans we had made to go to a baseball game. I didn’t respond and we haven’t talked since.
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 4, 2016 at 4:39 am

it’s been three weeks, so it’s better to try again a first contact now.. if he still doesn’t reply..then wait 4 daya again but after that if he still doesn’t reply, then it’s better to stop
Becca

March 23, 2016 at 7:53 pm

Haven’t talked to him in ten days! I had another question. My (ex) boyfriend doesn’t have any close friends other than me, doesn’t really talk to his family, and suffers from mild depression. I’m doing no contact but I’m pretty worried about him being alone right now since I’m his only friend. I let him know after the initial break up talk that if he needed to talk about anything or if he was struggling that I was here for him. He’s my best friend. Should I still keep leaving him alone to think and deal with the break up?
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 1, 2016 at 1:56 pm

MOst of the time people who are in depression are clingy.. So, if he’s not, he can handle this.how are things now?
Becca

March 16, 2016 at 3:44 pm

When we were together we texted pretty regularly but since our break up texting has been minimal to none. We haven’t talked for a few days.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 17, 2016 at 12:04 am

Hmm I think you should do no contact before you become his booty call.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 12:02 pm

Hi Becca,

I think you broke up and he meant that maybe in the future you can get together again, but now you’re like friends with benefits. Do you text often?

Lou

March 12, 2016 at 9:53 am

Long distance relationship with a boyfriend in the military (not deployed) of 3 years ended a 5 days ago. Would you suggest the NC even though the separation is already there? He is able to read and respond to my messages.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 12, 2016 at 3:18 pm

Hi Lou,

Sorry to ask, I’m not really knowledgeable how military works there.. So, when you mean by not deployed, he’s in camp right? So, you’re still ldr…. Why did you break up? Did you try to contact him during these 5 days?

Dawn

March 11, 2016 at 4:37 pm

Does no contact work on guys that really liked you but weren’t ready for anything serious? I was seeing him for 2 1/2 months. He texted everyday, we saw each other 1-4 times a week. But at the beginning he said he wasn’t sure if he was ready for anything serious ‘just yet’. He was with a girl for 6 months that ended 2 months before we started talking. He said he wanted to have fun and get to know me and maybe there could be more later. When we were together, we had fun but he held back emotionally in person. He would text after we hung out things like, he was sorry he was holding back but he would eventually open up. That’s how it went for 2 1/2 months. During our time together, I unknowingly put pressure on him. Expressing my concern that I wasn’t invited out with his friends and that he always made plans at the last minute. I ended up telling him that I couldn’t see him anymore because if he couldn’t see dating potential at this point I had to say good bye. I said I wanted the person I’m with to be excited and proud to be with me. He said he understood and maybe took things too casually and wished me all the best. That was 13 days ago. His reply was the last time we had contact. I was hoping he’d realize what he lost (we had a lot in common, had so much fun together, sex was outstanding, our goals were similar, he said I was awesome and not like the girls he’s been with). But so far I haven’t heard anything. I’m starting to wonder if I did the right thing. Although, I want more of an effort and commitment on his part if we did see each other again. Do I just wait to see if I hear from him? That way I know it’s 100% his choice? I thought he’d have contacted me by now. 🙁

Dawn

March 12, 2016 at 11:28 pm

He also said he wasn’t seeing anyone else nor did he want to. I don’t get what the difference between what we were doing and dating is for him.
Dawn

March 12, 2016 at 11:26 pm

Would he have contacted me by now if he misses me? I do really miss him and we had a lot in common. We never argued and always had fun together. And are there guys that really aren’t in a place to commit or is it that he didn’t want to commit to me? I don’t get the casual dating thing. Does it really exist? Don’t guys that claim they aren’t looking for anything serious fall for the girls that are ‘seeing’? I thought he really liked me. He said he wanted to keep getting to know me and that we could stop having sex in the meantime if that made me feel better about things. I don’t really understand what he wanted or if he would have come around if I would have stayed.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 12, 2016 at 11:07 am

Hi Dawn,

If he really doesn’t want to commit, you did the right thing because it will show of he chooses to make an effort or not.. if you stayed..you might have been just one of his choiced

Alice

March 7, 2016 at 10:12 pm

Hi Chris and the EBR team,

I have been “seeing” this guy for almost a year now. We were never officially in a relationship, but we’ve always really close and intimate, and we spend a lot of time together. (I’ve met his friends and even his family; and we’ve travelled together for 2 weeks.)

Part of the reason why we’re not together is because he still wants to get his ex back (who broke up with him about 10 months ago because of him cheating), and I’m not the kind of person who wants to commit to somebody who cannot actually be with me. And another part of the reason is that he “really likes me a lot”, but he thinks he “is not in love” with me.

Recently, I have a feeling that he is pulling away. And at the same time, I’m also kind of emotionally exhausted because of this “un-relationship” situation.

My questions are:
1. Will NC work in this situation? (And should I just start NC out of the blue?)
2. If he’s still trying to get back with his ex, how should I deal with it strategically? Is it possible to turn his “really like” into a feeling of “being in love”?

Thank you so much for reading this. Hope to hear your advice soon.
And thanks for the great website!

Alice

March 15, 2016 at 12:44 am

Hi Amor,

Thank you so much for your reply.
So I’ve told him about my intention of doing NC, and he’s genuinely disappointed and sad that I want to distant myself from him. At the same time, he seemed to be really understanding and all that, but he also emphasised that he doesn’t want us to not see each other.
In fact, deep down I also know that it’s equally difficult for me because we have really developed a very close friendship and strong bond…
(I just noticed that my situation is kind of similar to the other reader named “Dawn”…)
Anyway, I’m sort of torn between the two options now: should I still stick to the decision of doing NC so that he will sort of “make up his mind”?
Right now, I’m also not limiting my options, so I also go out with other people, but at the end of the day it’s not quite easy to meet someone whom you truly have that “click”…
Thanks again for your time.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 15, 2016 at 2:01 pm

You’re welcome.. For me you should really do nc. Because Hh really has that thing of holding on to his past and of course he would want you to stay. Who want’s to lose something or somebody?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 8, 2016 at 1:44 pm

Hi Alice,

you can talk to him nicely before nc..but don’t tell him how long you’re going to do nc, you can tell him, you understand him and you’re giving him and you agree that he needs his time and you also hope you’re still present in his life if ever he’s ready…

at least that way he gets a hint that you’re not going to wait forever.. If there’s a chance, yes I think so and I think he will miss you during nc.. but if ever it’s successful..take it slow after nc..let him prove you’re the one he chose

T

March 6, 2016 at 9:08 pm

I was dating a guy for 8 months and he was always extremely keen on me. We shared a lot in the time we spent together and out of the relationships I have had this has been the one where I’ve felt safe and happy. He won my affection and attention through making effort and spending time. Just recently we started bickering and arguing a lot more. Nothing has really happened to make us that way, just pressure on me from family life and stress of work plus he’s working a lot more and says he doesn’t need the stress in his personal life. He feels like he can’t make me happy or he’s always doing something wrong which I’ve told him isn’t the case. He’s always been the one who went out of his way for me waiting until I was ready to make things official. After the recent arguments he says he loves me but he doesn’t want the relationship anymore and thinks he needs to be on his own as its affecting his work and he’s not happy. I tried to tell him I wanted to work it out which he did try but a few days later he said the same and ended it. I agreed with him it was draining and I respected his decision even though it was clear it wasn’t what I wanted. I said I didn’t realise he would throw it away so easily. He replied he had tried and he didn’t think it was working to which I never responded. I haven’t contacted him since and it’s been four days. It’s hard and I’m hurt. He’s removed pictures of me but I’ve noticed he has looked at my profile. I have made lots of plans with my friends to take my mind off of it and from the outside I look like I’m happy but I’m not. What could he be thinking? And should I just forget about him completely? I feel like it’s very final.

T

March 9, 2016 at 8:35 am

Hi Amor. It’s a week tomorrow that I haven’t been in contact. I did mention that I hadn’t messaged him since his last message and it’s his birthday today and I don’t intend to contact. As hurt as I am I’m also annoyed so finding it easier than expected. I’m concentrating on myself. I have booked myself in for some treatments and my hair this weekend. I’ve been invited to parties so going to those and as Chris mentioned having professional photos, I have finally agreed to do the photo shoots I have been offered with an agency to boost my confidence. I’m trying to work on me so even if I hear from him now which I doubt I am going to do the full 30 days to see if I can improve myself. I’ll keep you updated <3
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 8, 2016 at 11:19 am

HI t,

Why not try the no contact rule first?

Lou lou

March 6, 2016 at 7:41 pm

Hi I have just completed day 11 of NC, I have followed everything to the T no begging, no pleading nothing. When he said he didn’t see long term with me I accepted and let him go, he was the one crying not me.

I have days when I’m really focused and others where I feel down as I’ve not heard a peep from him.

I feel like I need some encouragement right now because I getting to nearly half way and just need some support to get me through the second half.

Hope u can help!

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 8, 2016 at 11:05 am

Hi Lou lou,

sometimes you need to do something that progresses or has levels so that can look forward to do that everyday..

Leana

March 1, 2016 at 12:10 am

Hi Chris,
so I’ve made a terrible mistake of sleeping with my ex, twice. He seemed very interested in me but I am afraid that I will end up in tears because I’ve always been telling how friends with benefits are stupid idea and rejecting those guys who wanted it but I can’t help myself now. I am very confused because he also wants to go out with me, on concerts, movies, hiking and makes plans and he drove me to the doctor that minute I called him, so he doesn’t seem like typical ex who only wants sex?

I didn’t do NC. We broke up two times and first time I did it and got him back after three months but he left me again after two months. So I am wondering should I do NC now that we are in a good place because we made all that plans where we will go, and I am so scared if I just shut him off that I will ruin everything.

Would be effective if I stop having sex with him but still going out with him? Without NC?
Would someone who just wants sex be so supportive and friendly and doing every little thing for me? And can I skip or shorten NC in this case?

Leana

April 11, 2016 at 10:39 pm

Can Chris or you answer me on that last question, please?
EBR Team Member: Amor

April 13, 2016 at 3:57 pm

Hi Leana,

Sorry,I’ll follow up with him.. or if you have an update with the your situation, you can send your story with the update at [email protected] and then mention there that you really prefer that Chris would answer so Leia can forward it to him
Leana

March 19, 2016 at 1:08 am

ked him what he wants from me and he said that he likes spending fun time with me and he cares deeply for me as a person and he is not completely fallen out of love but his feelings arent strongs as mine and he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend again because it is the definition of madness trying the same thing over and over again. That would be our third chance. We both cried, hugged, kissed each other and altough I broke our FWB arrangment, when I saw him crying I said he can stop me and I could stay but like girlfriend and he said that would be wrong and that I better go now before he says yes and makes mistake. When he said that, I started asking about that and trying to convince him but he said I am unhappy with him and that wouldn’t work.

I’m very sad but unfortunately I think he is right. He said he would like to be in love with me like last year at this time but he can’t get back those feelings, not on that level. He also said that I was a little clingy but that he doesnt know the main reason why his feelings changed.

I don’t know what to do. Gut feeling tells me to forget about him and move on. But hearts wants what heart wants. I am going to NC hoping I will fall out of love but I just wanted to ask you is it even possible that he gets back intesity of those feelings he had when he first met me? Before our second reconcilliation he got back his feelings but not on that level. He was most in love with me when he first me me and his feelings were slowly downgrading during relationship and do you think he will ever me see me again like that first time? He was madly in love back then. But when he broke up with me for the first time and I did NC and than got him back, I sensed that something is different, he was in love but not like that and he left me again after two months. So, I think he is right, even if I contact him after NC, I somehow doubt that he will ever like me like that last spring. What do you think?
I would also like Chris’s opinion too if it is possible… He’s an expert and I am a big fan of his work and I really need an expert opionion on this because it is really important, I am on crossroads…
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 19, 2016 at 5:16 pm

Sure! No problem! It might take time but I’ll get back to you right ahead after I talk to him or he’ll respond personally if he can
Leana

March 10, 2016 at 6:34 am

I’m confused because Chris always says that we should go straight to NC. I’m afraid that I will lose some power if I tell him anything because then he’ll know I’m still in love with hime.
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 10, 2016 at 11:44 pm

It’s a general rule but it’s not hard rule.. I recommemded you talk to him because he’s not acting the typcal ex who just wants sex..and also, don’t talk about your feelings..
Just your boundaries.. You’re just going to refuse sex because it’s out of your character to sleep with someone you’re not with…

In that you would see if he’s serious with trying to get you back or he’s just being cozy with you.. then that’s when you would know if you need to do nc…
Leana

March 1, 2016 at 12:26 am

And also, if I go to NC, should I ask him first what he wants from me and do we have a chance? I don’t want to screw all up if he wants to be with me. He said that he hurted me so much and that first time when I went to NC after our first break up, he said if I didn’t show up again, he would never contact me again because he already hurt me too much. So if I know he won’t bring subject of being with me again first. Should I clear the air?
EBR Team Member: Amor

March 1, 2016 at 3:17 pm

Hi Leana,

talk to him first.. tell him you don’t want what happened to happen again because that is not you.. and then don’t mention anything about nc or noy being friends or being friends.. let him prove what his real motives are by observing first what his next step would be after you say that

Kristen

February 29, 2016 at 10:20 am

Hey, I’ve been with a guy for two years, he has a lot of issues in regards to identidy and that was the downfall of us because he pushes away the people he loves and would do things to sabotage the relationship – after living together I was kicked out within a week and forced to get on with my life ( first time we broke up) 2 monthes went by he would follow me and send me messages out of nowhere during no contact – then he left a note on my car talking about how much he loved me, we met up agreed to make it work 3 monthes down the track the same things came up he would push me away and then get needy when I wasn’t there so I ended it. Then 3 days after he sent me all these messages talking about how much he loves me and how good we are together then I would give in and say ok we can work and literally an hour later he was like I can’t do this I need help so I accepted that 3 weeks later I get this “I need you to know that I am currently going through a change a scary but exciting change
I am working on my self which I have neglected for so long I need a few months to work and improve to be the best person I can be I am not
I know what I want and I need to work though my fears and insecurities which has worsened my potential as a person and creator
because I have so much power inside I have not unlocked I love everyone else apart from me
I need to grow to go ahead
I love you and I hope you respect what I need now x
I’ll be in touch bambina xx”

What the hell. I don’t even understand what’s going on.

EBR Team Member: Amor

March 2, 2016 at 1:14 pm

Hi Kristen,

Well, let him prove by action..Next time he says something sweet, don’t give in, he has to work you for you so he knows his words are not enough anymore

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