How To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend- The Comprehensive Guide

359 thoughts on “The Correct Way To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend”

Baffled

September 19, 2015 at 3:01 pm

Hey Chris!
How do you recommend I handle talking to an ex that’s being quite cold all of a sudden?

He wasn’t being cold a few days ago but I started talking to him today and it’s all 3-5 word messages, very low energy and lacking in enthusiasm. I thought it might have been in my head until I asked what he was up to today and his response was “I have a migraine.”. Seen as he’s pulled hot and cold on me a few times in the past, I got fed up and responded with “Get better soon.” and left the conversation.

He’s now messaged me with saying thank you and asking what I’m doing today. Should I answer back?
I feel weird being pleasant and confident when he’s acting like I’m bothering him.
Rebecca

September 14, 2015 at 9:43 am

I am doing no contact at the moment. Only on day 4. But just wondering about conversation topics for after the no contact period is over… Is there any particular topics I should avoid talking about?

Like for example, I want more answers for why the break up happened in the first place (because to me it was totally out of the blue, we only got engaged in December, booked our wedding venue in June, he drew the kind of cake he wanted in my wedding scrapbook in the July then he broke up with me in August) and whether he has moved on to a new girl like I suspect?

Should I just avoid these topics and accept that I may never be given the answers I am searching for? Just because I imagine it’s a touchy subject and my ex doesn’t deal with talking about serious topics very well and I imagine me pressing for these answers will push him away further rather than build up the attraction etc., that I will be wanting to build up.

Also I think one of our issues is he didn’t think I was very supportive of his job (which in all honesty I wasn’t. I was supportive of his overall dreams but I was trying to suggest his current job wasn’t the best for achieving them). Therefore should I avoid any conversations to do with his work… or would I still be able to pop in a generic ‘how’s work been?’ occasionally? Or would he be thinking I’m asking him that hoping he’s not doing very well there and wants to leave?

Any help would be great!! 🙂

Thanks!
Katie

July 29, 2015 at 1:14 pm

Hi Chris.

I saw my ex on Sunday after a month of NC at his sister’s baby shower. It was awkward at first. He told me he thought I hated him because I de friended him on Facebook and told one of our mutual friends that I was pissed for the reasons he broke up with me. From there conversation got less and less tense. After the shower we went back to his house. We hooked up, I know I know I shouldn’t have done that, and things got less tense. We talked about the flawed reasoning behind why he broke up with me; it didn’t feel like it did in the honeymoon phase, that he couldn’t marry me for years, and wanting a wife that has job too (we discussed that topic a lot because he never believed I wanted a job because when we first met I said I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom which changed as our relationship did). Things went pretty well. He listened to me the whole time. I told him over again I don’t want to go back to that toxic relationship but would move on to a new one with him. Everything was cool. He asked me to still look at other guys and that if he feels he has a change of heart he will come back to me (when he broke up he said he would never be in a relationship with me again). So big improvement. After that we talked like when we first met for 3 hours. It was late so he talked to me on my drive home since I live 40 min away from him. Well I thought that was a good start and I didn’t want to push it so I was planning on not talking to him again for a couple of days. Well that was quickly changed when our friend told me to ask him to go to six flags with our group of friends because it would mean more. I did relunctantly and tried to keep it short and sweet. Well my ex decided to continue to txt me through yesterday. He was responding back in a couple minutes and really involved in the conversation. Well he started taking subjects that weren’t about us or our relationship as me guilt tripping him. It lead to a fight on txt and a fight on the phone. He told me he wasn’t going to come back to me if I guilt him but when he feels like he should. It ended with him moody and me crying. I sent an apology txt this morning thinking clear the air and take a couple steps back into NC again for a while since he obviously still feels the pain and ugliness of breaking up. But he has tentatively been sending me messages through out the morning. I am not pushing any talking just letting him do what needs be. What should I do? I don’t want him thinking negatively about me.
Maria

May 29, 2015 at 5:35 pm

I don’t fully want to tell my story. Let’s say I’ve dated my best friend. We never were in the friendzone, we just took things very slowly. We started dating during deployment. When he came home things were great for a couple of months then I let fear take over and began acting differently. We broke up because he wasn’t as happy as before. We cried and came to that conclusion after an hour of talking. We said we loved each other. He told me to text him and keep one of his favorite shirts. We still talk, just not as much. Pretty sure I freaked him out at first. Well all in all he invited me to go to a concert with him and I’m not sure what it means. I’ve moved on with my life but I still hope he and I can work things out.
Becca

May 4, 2015 at 4:27 pm

So my ex and I work together. I’m trying the NC rule but every time we are on breaks together he tries talking to me. For example I’m by my locker getting my water bottle he walks by me and ask if I like the new water bottle work gave me. I just say yes and move on with my day? Is this breaking the NC rule?
Aimee

April 17, 2015 at 3:24 pm

Dear Chris,

I have completed three months of no contact with my ex boyfriend, and have texted him about three weeks ago whether I could get my stuff back. (We both still go to our parents’ houses in the weekend, which are in the same town about eight houses apart from each other.) He replied that that was fine, but texted two days later that he was not able to take the stuff with him that weekend because his suitcase was already very full. I stayed cool and replied that that was fine, and that I would appreciate it if he would let me know when he would bring it with him.

It is now three weeks later and I still haven’t heard from him. I am starting to get a little bit annoyed with him and really am urged to text him, telling him that I want him to bring my things back and that I am very annoyed with him using me as his puppet. However, on the other hand I do not want to ruin all the work that I have done.

Please Chris, what should I do?

Aimée

Chris Seiter

April 20, 2015 at 8:38 pm

Hm.. usually I say you are allowed to break NC for this but the fact that you are so far along I say wait until after your decide to end it before asking for the stuff.

UNLESS it is really vital that you have it.

Destiney

March 11, 2015 at 11:19 pm

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year then we had an argument for some stupid reason. Next thing you know, he is going out with my best friend after we so called broke up. So know they are going out and I really want him back. His girlfriend is still is trying to be my friend again but I had already told her that’s not going to happen. He so called said that he didn’t trust me but he trusted her. I have told him every thing that has happened o me in this lifetime, but he still doesn’t trust me. He said he trusts her. Please help me I don’t know what to do.
JJ

March 5, 2015 at 8:47 am

HOLY SHIT ITS WORKING! 5 months since breakup- ended a month of NC in January, a few casual encounters, some short text chats, and tonight First long conversation that he actually initiated, i got him engaged the most when we were talking about music- a passion of his,i ended the convo on a high point, and he wants to make plans to hang out and collaborate on some new stuff he’s working on(which would be a first for us cause when together i was never that involved in his music, this would be a “new” experience for us..),he even specified which days would work best before saying goodnight back- good yeah? tips on how to keep the ball rolling?
Iris

February 27, 2015 at 3:03 am

my ex boyfrend loved me once but afrer few months we broke up..i saw,him flirting with other girls in the class i did not contact him for 1month then i broke up my silence and asked him sorry yes,some were it was my fault… but now he is showing his attitude i just want to show him that what he has lost i want him to realise how important i was?? tats it
hana

January 29, 2015 at 2:26 pm

hello,

i really need your help, cz im desperate 🙁

my bf and i met threw a friend in commun and weve been dating for 1yr and a half.he is 32 yrs old and im 30yrs old.we live 1,089 miles away from each others.since the first day we met we talked about the problems we might face bcz of the distance between us,but he always used to tell me that if we keep thinking positively and using our minds we will be able to face all the distance.before meeting me he used to tell me that he doesnt believe in LDR.but after meeting me he completely changed his mind.we used to meet every 2 to 3 months.he used to visit my town to see me and see his family.we used to skype every night for hours and texting during the day.plus we used to share our moments together by photos.when we used to meet, we used to try to meet as much as we can during his stay in my town.he even introduced me to all his family and friends and met my family as well.we also planned a trip with his sisters and enjoyed our time together.everything was good between us. he used to miss me from time to time while we are apart.one day he asked me if i can join him for a cruise trip he was going with his friends.i wanted to go and spend time with him but i wasnt sure since his friends are all married couples and we were the only couple that arent even engaged,and that wasnt an easy step for me since my family didnt like that idea too much.so i talked to him and told him honestly that i really wana go with him but my parents started nagging and asking about where our relationship is going to.they were worried about me cz they know how sensitive i am and wont accept any broke up.so i decided not to join him in that trip.everything continued in a gd way between us till one day he felt he was confused,and told me he doesnt know whats wrong with him,he even doesnt know what he really want.but told me that he wants help and willing to go to see a pshychologist and said he doesnt want to lose me.and he accepted to meet so we can spend time together and therefore test his feelings. and thats what happened,he came for 4 days and had the most amazing 4 days,we had lovely moments together and wheile we were together he told me how much he loves me and that he is now sure about his feelings.he traveled back to his home and was feeling his love and told me that he is now thinking more about us. 3 weeks later,i felt he changed again.he told me he really needs to think what he really wants.he told me when we are together he feels he is in love with me, but when we are far his love is fading.while being nervous i told him u have 1 week to think well whenether you want me and ready for a serious relationship or to end it.at first he didnt agree with me cz he said he cant take a decision in 1 week, but after that he decided to take a week and think.i felt so bad ahter telling him that.i tried to call him during that week but he wasnt answering my calls or my msgs.after that week he told me that he took his decisions and doesnt want to continu in that realtionship.we were skyping while he was telling about his decision and i was crying too much in front of the cam.i tried to tell him to think again about his decision and wait till he comes again to meet,but he was stubborn and wasnt able to make him change his mind.although he told me he wishes to see me after 2 weeks cause he was coming to see his parents.when he came we met, i tried to talk to him and convince him to give our relationship a chance but he said he took his decision and wont change his mind.i was crying too much that day in front of him.and when i asked him he doesnt feel anything anymore toward me,he said he still have feelings but wont change his decision.he told me he will call me when he comes again to my town in 2 weeks to see me! and when his family and relatives asked him about me he kept answering that i am good and we spent the day together!!i dont know why he didnt have the courage to tell them that we broke up. they all love me so much and they will never accept to see us breaking up. when he traveled i didnt talk to him for 9 days. i was trying to give him space believing that if he feels that he lost me he will come back. but nothing happened. i felt down and started texting him telling him how much i love him and how much im in pain bcz we broke up. he was so rude,he tried to tell me to do my best to overpass my sadness and that i dont deserve him. my friend who introduced us to each other tried to talk to him, but he remian stubborn and wasnt even trying to give hope to our relationship.

he is coming to my town in 3 days. i feel i need to see him but i dont know how to act after sending him messages telling him how rude he is and that he broke my heart.but i need to see him,i want to try to be that funny girl he used to love and used to spend hours with her.

please i need your advise. how should i tell him i need to see him and when he accepts to see me how should i behave to make him think again about love. how can i make LDR work and let his love grow even when he travels back. i know LDR isnt easy,but i am not able to understand his decision especially that he really feels he is in love with me so much when we are together

please help me,i love him so much and i cant live without him 🙁

thank you

admin

January 30, 2015 at 3:27 pm

Long distance relationships aren’t easy but I know you can do it.

(I did it before!)
hana

February 2, 2015 at 8:58 am

you mean i can get over him or get him back!? if getting over him, its been almost 7 months and still feeling in love with him every day 🙁
admin

February 2, 2015 at 2:48 pm

Make long distance work!
hana

February 3, 2015 at 8:46 am

any new advise on how to make my ex give a chance to our relationship? his heart really became rude. im willing to send him on valentines day a photo album that contains all our photos, any recommendations?
Kera

March 27, 2015 at 7:49 pm

I am in the same boat and thinking about going back to his country but now that you said he’s still heartless. I feel a deep hole in my chest.

What happened? Did you go? Did it work out?
hana

January 29, 2015 at 2:36 pm

unfortunately, that i tried to see him during Christmas vacation, we went out, had wine together in a restaurant and laughed soo much together, but when i tried to talk to him about us and to give our relationship a new chance he didnt agree and still didnt give me a real reason why we broke up. all he said that distance is his prob. so after few weeks i took a decirion to travel to his country to be able to stay together, i was shocked that he wasnt happy anymore with my decision. he became heartless and i dont know anymore what to do to stimulate his heart again

Rachel

January 26, 2015 at 7:18 am

I did NC for a few weeks, and then was out of town for a couple more weeks. When I got back we started to see each other again. My question is, when do you have “the talk” about getting back together? I mean I have been seeing my ex, spending time with him for a few weeks now, and we have even begun being flirtatious, etc. We even have said we love each other. Should I just wait until he brings it up? What if he spends the night?

admin

January 26, 2015 at 4:07 pm

Once you have the bf primed enough to know he will agree to it.

Ruby

November 10, 2014 at 5:18 am

Can you please give me some examples of “appropriate vocabulary” that I can use in a text messege? 🙂

admin

November 20, 2014 at 3:19 pm

This website is full of them (the ebooks too!)

Eas

April 23, 2014 at 2:34 am

ill try and make this as short and to the point as I can.
Ex of 4 years ended things about 5 months ago right before he left on exchange program to Europe (reasons pertaining to fear of settling down and probably wanting to “have fun” in Europe). In his time there, he has contacted me almost every 3 weeks (seriously..like almost to the date). I often wait a while to answer, and when I do I answer his questions, throw in something funny to make him smile and kind of put an end to it. I’ve been proud of myself cuz iv never once contacted him and anytime we’v contacted iv remained strong.
In his latest attempt to reach out to me, we had the usual mini convo but he read my message and hasn’t responded. I’m just annoyed because he is the one always reaching out to me, and then playing games by not responding? What the heck?! (should note that he comes back in less than a month)

Im at a point where Im just annoyed. What the hell is he trying to do? WHy is he contacting me and what does he want from me? I do still care about him and part of me wants him back but this is too childish. How do I get the power back? Should I just responding?

admin

April 23, 2014 at 4:01 pm

Well, NC is a good thing to start…
Eas

April 23, 2014 at 8:55 pm

Oh hes not going to be hearing from me, im too busy for these kind of games. As a guy can you tell me why/what he’s doing
Eas

April 30, 2014 at 9:02 pm

So wait what’s he trying to do? Why message me then not respond?…and do I not contact at all until he contacts me again (if he does)
Chrissy g p

May 28, 2014 at 4:01 pm

Similar playing games situation..that’s how it comes off. He text crazes my phone and calls when I ignore, same like I just did when I posted in trying not to look desperate section but screwed up(Chris has yet to read..sry Chris) and did the same thing by texting and calling if I was ignored.so clearly both of us hate being ignored. I’m so confused. Breakup has been four months as of June 4. Chris knows the situation as I’ve posted multiple times and yet again. Lol.

Kerry

March 25, 2014 at 1:47 am

Ok, sorry this is long…

So my boyfriend and I dated for 5 1/2 years. 4 of these years were long distance, as we were in college and he was a year ahead of me. We had a really great relationship, but the long distance was incredibly hard on me, and in my last year I was faced with the decision between staying with him or enjoying a year of college and figuring out who I had become and what I wanted to do with my life without any attachments tying me down. At this point, the long distance had worn on me so much that I started to hold it against him and resented him for “putting me through” whatever pain I was in (I knew this was stupid, but it was how I felt). He recognized this too and wanted what was best for me as well, so we decided to break up, very mutually.
At the time, it didn’t seem real because we both still loved each other and it seemed like we would get back together when we were back in the same location.
It has now been a year since the break up. The first six months we remained very close, and only saw other people very casually. Then he got a girlfriend- “trying to figure out how to get over me”. Of course, because we were not together, I was ‘okay’ with this, although still a pretty sad because I still could not look at other guys that seriously. I still wanted to remain friends, but didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes so I backed off a bit. The last conversation we had, he expressed that he wanted to keep me in his life, no matter what our relationship was, and I agreed. A week later, out of the blue, we stopped talking. I asked him how his concert went, he said “it was good” and that was the last time we made contact. That was 6 months ago.
I have no idea what happened, but I want to give him space if he wants to get over me (ugh). Every single day I want to talk to him. I am now dating someone else and even though the guy is amazing, I still cannot get over my feelings for my ex. I want to be with him if he still wants to be with me. If he doesn’t, I still want to be friends. Regardless, I will not be in the same state as him for another 4 months.
Randomly, his mother contacted my mother the other day to catch up, and mentioned that she cannot mention my name around him without him getting misty eyed.
Should I contact him? I’m nervous he wants to get over me and wants his space, but honestly I don’t know! I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend and I don’t know if he would want to be my friend. I don’t know how or what to text him. Any advice?

admin

March 25, 2014 at 4:45 pm

ARe the two of you still long distance?
kerry

March 26, 2014 at 1:03 am

Currently, yes. I will be moving back to the same area in July.

JayKay

March 21, 2014 at 8:43 pm

My bf and I dated for 1 1/2 yrs. More like FWB- he invited me to go on a trip with him to his island country in Dec. but before we left I told him I wouldn’t see him again because I found condoms in his jeans. He begged me to give him a chance, go on this trip and he said “we can make it official if you want” after days of me ignoring him, him sending me flowers I finally gave in to a dinner invite where we made things official and weeks later we enjoyed an awesome trip! I had to come back 2 weeks before he did, and when he came back, he said he wanted us to take things “slow” because he was going through a lot and still grieving his moms death (only been 7 months). “Be friends” and “start all over”. It’s been 2 months since and he doesn’t show intent to take things back to how they were; no dates, me staying over, no invite to family or friend get togethers like before. I on the other hand have tried to agree to being his “friend” but asked him to give me a cool-off period but he gets angry when I try to cut him off. No we have not been intimate since I came back from our trip. After a recent 2 week no contact period and him trying to reach me, I gave in and said I’d be there if he needed me as a “friend”. –I stumbled across all these articles which were beyond fascinating! And my question to you is, should I go into NC mode now? Do I tell/warn him that I am or will be in NC mode? Surely he’ll wonder why after saying I would be his friend all of a sudden I’m not responding to his texts/calls.. and lastly, if I go on NC mode, the “initial” text to reach out to him might not be responded to by something he’d find “compelling” rather, knowing him, he will be angry and bombard me with questions about why I suddently ignored him after telling him I’d be his friend.

Please advise.

admin

March 22, 2014 at 6:20 pm

Read this: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back-version-2-0/

I kind of talk about how to deal with that.

Rietta

March 13, 2014 at 2:07 pm

-I screwed up a week ago…I called him and it ended up lasting too long, thirty minutes.
-While the conversation started on a high note, it later hit some touchy points (no fighting though).
-did no contact one month directly after breakup; its now three months, very little contact.
-I asked him to hang out, he said “yea sure text me”. I texted him and he said he was too busy. I said I was also too busy and asked if he wanted to hang out in a week and he said he might be still busy.

I feel like it’s all me chasing him (and I’m not trying to win him back, I just miss him as a friend). How do I gain back power and do I ask to hang out again later??? Please reply

Rietta

March 13, 2014 at 7:41 pm

Please reply :)))

Season

March 10, 2014 at 10:49 pm

After NC for 3 months, finally texting again and he wants to see me.

However, been trying to arrange phone calls and I kept flaking out bc things keep coming up (not intentional from my part).

Today he’s getting frustrated and told me “last chance”.

Is it a threat? Should I be worried?
Rose Marie

February 28, 2014 at 1:31 am

My boyfriend (25) and I (21) had been together a little under two years. After being together for a year, he broke up with me but then came back in tears two weeks later. Now, a month ago, he has broken up with me again.
Here’s the thing, he says he was “in love” with me up until the last 2 or 3 weeks of the relationship. He said that he didn’t see him self marrying me, we werent compatible, and that he loved me but not as much as I loved him.
As far as marriage goes, we didnt want it any time soon, but just a few months ago he said he saw a future and kids with me. And compatibility, we did almost everything together. With friends and alone at home (we lived together). I don’t know how he flipped the love switch so fast.
We had no problems till the last week of the relationship. They were minor though, like taking a joke too far and annoying the other person and then not wanting to talk about it. We would go to work and then come back and be sweet to each other.
It has been a month and I’ve been doing a lot of NC. Until I saw him at the grocery store yesterday and we had a small conversation. I just asked how he was doing, about his aunt’s health, etc. Towards the end I asked him if he would meet up with me sometime and he said sure. Then I said it was nice to see him, he said likewise, and I left.
I want to restore the relationship. Do I wait for him to call me to meet up? What if he doesn’t?
Is there anything more I can do?
Also, as a guy, can you understand why he might be doing what he is doing? Commitment issues? Wants to play the field? Never loved me to begin with?( i really think he did. Even during the time he said he wasn’t in love)
As far as being happy with his decision, I don’t know if he is. I know he goes out with his best friend a lot, mutual friends say he is getting drunk a lot, and he has been working out a lot and lost weight.
Help?
Rose Marie

February 28, 2014 at 1:10 am

So my ex boyfriend and I have been separated a month now. Our first break up was after dating a year and our second one was after being back together for 6 months. He admitted to being in love with me just month or less before before breaking up with me. So something within the last 2 weeks of our relationship went wrong. We had minor annoyances the last week of the relationship but (while we didnt apologize or talk about it) would get over it and then act normal again. Until we went to bed annoyed at each other the last day of the relationship and he broke up with me the next morning saying he didn’t see himself marrying me, we aren’t compatible, he loves me but not as much as I love him.
A few months ago, he did see himself marrying me. We always did everything together and had great fun- alone and with friends. So I do think compatibility isn’t an issue.

For this whole month we’ve been mostly NC especially the last two weeks. Yesterday I ran into him at the store (he’s been working out and looks great, but friends say he has been getting drunk a lot). We talked, and had a brief conversation. I asked him a few questions and he gave me cordial answers. I asked him if he would meet up sometime and he said sure. Then I told him it was nice seeing him, he said “likewise” and I walked away.

Do I wait for him to call me to meet up? What more can I do to get him back or make him want to call me? We had a great relationship where and accepted each other. We didn’t break up with anger or anything.
I don’t know if he has commitment issues to get so uncomfortable with the relationship so fast or what. Can you give me some advice on what I can do?

admin

February 28, 2014 at 10:45 pm

Have you read my latest guide?

Vt

February 25, 2014 at 1:11 am

Hi Chris! I think I really can use your advise on my situation…
I was with my boyfriend for 7 years…I mean ex boyfriend. Went thru a lot and when it’s got to much just kind of split up. He moved 2 min up to road so he hate it o be away…
We was trying to get back a lot of times through out the year…But every time end up bring up past…
Till I just decided to move away, don’t talk to him for almost 2 months…even changed my phone…
We are never said good bye or admit we are over…Both of us kind of hoped we worked it out..
Like you said he was behaving mean sometimes, out of pain and feelings he still had. And I just was to stupid not o understand why…Till I actually read everything on your side.
After almost 2 month I e-mail it to him…he did respond, sense it was just regular nothing specific e-mails..But then he told me he has met someone…
I got confused, he met her after 3 weeks we just spend nights together…
When I called, he said he was absolutely sure we done, sense I left.
And when I ask about how serious he is about her…
He said “it’s new, feels good and he happy” but he also said, part of him never stop loving me, and always be.
We try to txt back and fourth..but it’s kind of hard…considering.
When I prepose just block or delete each other, he said its not necessary.
I mean I understand he is with someone and in “Haney moon ” stage..
But even he saying he can’t respond to me when he is with her…He said when I txt she hears his phone vibrate and it’s cost some problems…I ask if I don’t know when he is with her, why he just don’t shut phone off…He said he reading everything and don’t want to shut phone off.
And after couple of days we kind of agree on no contact rule…he said he need it.. And I think it’s much better for me not to be in the middle, when he is still so into her..
I did took time to think things thru and see how bad I behaved and what I did wrong..and let go of everything…I took counseling and now know better. I did apologize to him for everything, even tho both of us wasn’t right…but it’s no matter anymore.
Do you think after another no contact, I will have a chance to get him back…or I just run everything after first no contact, and he met someone new.

admin

February 25, 2014 at 6:43 pm

Impossible to say for sure but I don’t think the no contact rule will hurt… chances are it will help.

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