By EBR Team Member: Ashley

“We need to talk.”

Those four little words are enough to tie my stomach up in knots and knock the wind out of me.

They are the beginning of the end.

No one likes endings, especially in a relationship they’re still invested in.

Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we’ve spent a lot of time talking about the “recovery” of a relationship, what I call the “Get Him Back” approach.

However, we have also briefly talked about the personal recovery we go through once we resign ourselves to getting over the relationship.

Today, that is what we will be focusing on. As we have discussed before, there are many different chemicals involved with being in love. One of these is Oxytocin, commonly referred to as the cuddle-hormone.

Withdrawal from it is comparable to withdrawals from a serious drug addiction.

addicted to love

Our relationships are the major building blocks of who we are as a person. When a relationship ends our entire self has to be “rewritten.”

In some cases, it’s even comparable to major life disasters, such as having a home burn to the ground or having to relearn to walk after breaking a bone.

If you’ve ever broken a bone, you know that they tell you to stay off of it for a while to let the bone heal and become strong again.

The same principle applies here when it comes to getting over an ex.

The thing is that a lot of my girl friends do the absolute worst thing, I think, that you can do after a break up. They jump right back into the dating pool. They don’t give themselves time to heal and become stronger after reflecting on what they’ve learned from the situation.

If you are separated from someone you still love, I’m sorry that you are going through this. But know, you are not going to go through this alone.

We’ll get through it together.

As a matter of fact, I have several people tell me after the fact, and I can say this for myself in some instances, that choosing to get over a relationship was literally the BEST thing I could do.

Losing that piece of myself gave me an opportunity to rebuild myself into someone stronger that I was proud to be. Some of the greatest friendships I have are with the people that supported me during that time.

There is a process though.

Just like with anything it won’t be easy, but I’m asking you to stay positive knowing that you will be happier and better for it by the end.

There is a right way and a wrong way.

I’ll walk you through the things you should and shouldn’t do. But before you get to a point where you’re ready to let a relationship go for good there are a few things that have to happen.

It is normal to go through certain stages after a break up that are similar, if not identical, to the stages of grief.

If you are unfamiliar, those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial: “This isn’t really happening. He’ll change his mind. We’ll get back together soon.”

Anger: “That jerk doesn’t know what he’s missing. How dare he. He’ll never find someone as good as me.”

Bargaining: “I’d do anything to get him back ANYTHING!”

Depression: “Why hasn’t he com running back yet?! I’m worthless!”

Acceptance: “You know what, good riddance. He was no good for me anyways.”

You may find yourself dealing with some, if not all, of these after a breakup.

I need you to be fed up. With all of it and at a stage of acceptance before we go any further.

I mean you can keep reading, but that is my suggestion before you jump in to moving forward.

Why?

Because you can’t build a house on a faulty foundation.

House sinkhole(1)

I need you to be sure before you go any further that you are ready and prepared to completely cut him out of your life if necessary and I need you to be prepared to be COMPLETELY honest with yourself.

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It All Starts with a Decision

The decision to leave a relationship behind, even if you still love him, is very similar to a drug addict deciding to get clean and it can be just as difficult.

You still love him, but you realize that your efforts to get away are completely in vain.

There are some definite Do’s and Dont’s that go along with this “Getting Over It” process.

First of all, once you decide to leave a relationship in the dust, despite knowing that you still love him, you have to leave the wallowing in self-pity behind as well.

DON’T numb the pain away.

Rcr-Clear-Bar-Glass-Set-SDL680928553-1-220ae

It’s tempting to find a little consolation at the bottom of a glass. But I will tell you right now, if you look to find comfort in drugs or alcohol, you will wind up in the same if not a worse place than you’re in right now when it all is said and done and despite popular belief the pain is still there when you sober up. Hiding from the pain does not make it go away, it only postpones it and makes it hit harder.

DON’T Bury the pain with a bunch of carbs and junk food. These will not make you feel better.

junk food

Instead focus on learning to cook healthy meals that with make you feel healthy and give you energy.

DON’T dwell on sad music or sappy romance movies.

This is just perpetuating the sadness that you feel currently. Instead, listen to empowering, music, podcasts and lectures.

DO spend time with supportive friends, not people who keep you in a state of upset after the break up.

trust fall

Building A Suitable Environment

Now, look at these four do’s and dont’s that I’ve laid out above.

What do they all have in common?

Well, each one of them is based upon building an environment conducive to moving forward with your life. You can’t do that if you are stuck in the past.

quicksand

No Contact Vs. Cutting Contact

For the sake of differentiating this from “No Contact” I called this Cutting Contact.

Why?

Well, while it is essentially the same idea, it has a different goal in mind. You aren’t cutting him out with the intention of making him miss you.

You are cutting him out with the intention of giving yourself the time and space to heal, no matter how long it takes.

There are two ways this one could go and it all depends on what your end game is. You can cut contact with the intent of moving past him completely OR you can cut contact with the intent of eventually being friends with your ex.

Either way you are going to address it the same way. Cut contact with him completely.

No late night meme texts.

No venting about your boss.

No “remember when… I miss you.” Conversations starters.

No.

Stop it.

No. Contact. Period.

Look, your head is going to drift to him every single chance it gets. You want to remove as many things as you can from your life that will trigger any memory from him.

Let me give you a few examples,

“Oh look at that funny meme he posted.”

“Oh that card he got me for my birthday. I should see what he’s up to.”

“Maybe he’ll text.”

These are all thoughts you SHOULDN’T BE HAVING if you are “cutting contact” with him.

If you’ve done this correctly you will have removed even the possibility that he might reach out to you and deter you from your clearly marked path.

HOWEVER, if your intent is to eventually be friends with your ex, I suggest letting them know NICELY that you will be taking some time to yourself for a bit and ask that they kindly respect that.

That way he won’t get his feelings hurt when you block his texts, calls and unfollow him on Facebook (if you feel you need to do that.)

I say unfollow, not unfriend.

You just don’t want his stuff showing up in your feed during this time.

Unfollow

However, unless you have incredible power over your emotions, I suggest just deleting his number, unfriending him, and getting rid of anything else that will tempt you to check in on what he’s doing. Removing him completely is going to make success in moving on much more likely.

unfriend

Let me put it this way, when riding a bike downhill, would you be more likely to ride down this path?

rocky path

Or this Path?

clear path

You’d choose the clear path, right?!

You wouldn’t choose the one that is sure to make for a nasty wipe-out and probably a whole world of hurt.

Create a clear path for yourself and avoid additional pain.

What I’m saying is, DO remove the temptation to keep tabs on him. No Facebook, texting, Instagram, or Snapchat.

ANTI social media

DON’T find solace in sad songs and romantic fairy-tale ending movies. They’ll only make you sadder. Instead find music and movies that make you feel powerful and better about yourself.

And

DO put away anything that reminds you of the time you spent together. When I do this I just gather it all in a box and shove it in a closet or give it to a good friend to hold onto if I know I’ll be tempted to dig it out again.

Yes. Even his favorite sweatshirt that you may have “forgotten” to return when you went your separate ways.

DO put your confidence in a few close friends. I say few, because you don’t need to lay your emotions out for just anyone. That’s how things get back to your ex and that’s just a way to cause issues that will keep the two of you in communication.

Remember, we’re cutting him out.

This means DON’T choose mutual friends to confide in. It will make the whole process much easier. I will say that without the support of my friends, there are a couple of breakups in college that could’ve knocked me down and kept me down for good.

ko

During this time, when talking to your friends about the relationship, DON’T talk bad about your ex. Fight the urge to go on about how terrible he is to your friends though.

They will join in bad mouthing him and you’ll automatically want to defend him, rekindling those feelings again.

Snuff a candle

DON’T give up the things that make you happy just because they make you think of him. In fact, I encourage you to do them more!

Why?

Because you’ll overwrite those memories with new ones. And as much as I’m sure you cherish some of your good memories, there are even better ones waiting to be written that don’t include someone that you’re trying to get over.

Would you rather think about the memories you had with him and have a good cry or would you prefer to look back on new memories with fondness and self-assuredness knowing that you were able to do have a good time without him?

Also, if your goal is to eventually be friends with him again, then this is imperative. It means that when the inevitable happens and the “remember when” conversations come about, you’ll be able to shrug it off and say yeah I went and did that again, either by myself or with so-and-so and had a blast!!

Your memory is no longer centered on him. It’ll make being around him more casual and less emotional.

So he found the one way of communication you forgot to block, and you are suddenly faced with an invite for Netflix and Chill. DON’T fall into the “Friends with Benefits” “One Time Hookup” trap.

This will only rekindle your feelings for him and make it harder to let your relationship fade into the past.

Don’t lie to yourself with a, “Just this once to show him what he’s missing,” line.

No. you won’t be able to keep your emotions out of it, no matter how tough you think you are.

And no. It won’t make him realize what a catch you are. It just doesn’t work that way.

Men will always want what they can’t have. It’s human nature. We’re wired the same way.

This is simply another reason we remove him COMPLETELY from your life.

It’s like the story of Ulysses and the Sirens, in which the Sirens were known for seducing sailors to their deaths with their hypnotizing melodies. The sailors would happily drown at sea after crashing their ships into the rocks simply for the pleasure of giving in to the Sirens’ call. Ulysses and his crew overcame the situation by shoving beeswax in their ears so they could not hear the Sirens’ call. Ulysses even chained himself to the mast as to remove all possibilities of giving in to the temptation.

Ulysses

Remove all possibilities of being tempted and do not be distracted by the hypnotizing call of a rekindling of a physical nature that is unlikely to benefit you in any way aside from create emotional distress and put you right back at the beginning of the stages of denial.

DON’T try to find comfort at the bottom of a bottle, in drugs, or by drowning in a sea of junk food.

Let Go Of Your Expectations

I have a few things in my life that I say over and over again that apply to so many situations.

One of them is, “If you don’t have expectations, then it is impossible to be disappointed.”

A cynical way to live, I know, but the way I see it, if you keep your expectations realistic, then you’re more like to be pleasantly surprised and less likely to be disappointed.

Stephen Hawking

DO take inventory of the relationship and DO be honest with yourself about it.

Something I didn’t realize until after my closest friend pointed it out a few months after my last big split was that my ex talked to me like I was stupid constantly when we were around other people, enough so that it made her get very defensive toward him.

Yet, being head over heels as I was, I never even noticed it until she pointed it out. It was at this point that I took my own inventory of our relationship.

During this process I realized several things:

I realized that, while I was COMPLETELY engrained in his life, having met his parents, children and all of his friends, he hadn’t really put forth any effort to delve into my life at all, despite my best efforts.

I also realized that we literally never spent any time at my place. We were always at his or one of his friend’s houses.

He pushed me to take on a lot of his hobbies and interests. (This wasn’t entirely terrible, in fact we already shared a lot of the same interests. In fact, I still enjoy most of them to this day. However, for most people this is something they don’t see until it’s long past.)

Now, I’m not totally blameless in these occurrences. I was so blissfully unaware to what was going on that I never actually asked for what I wanted from him and I never stood up for myself.

Often times we will only allow ourselves to remember the good parts of a relationship. It’s why letting go of the expectations you had for it is so important.

We grow up hearing about fairy tales and dreaming of one day having out own prince charming. Then, as adults, we watch movies and TV shows where everything always works out in relationships and the guy gets the girl. Well, NEWSFLASH, life is not a Lifetime movie with the perfect happy ending.

DO use this opportunity to identify any mistakes that were made on your part and resign yourself not to make them in your next relationship.

Yes.

There will be a next relationship. I know it’s hard to believe now, because you still have that feeling of tight emptiness in your chest. However, should you address the mistakes YOU made in this last relationship, perhaps this next one will turn out differently. Make changes and adjustments to prepare for that moment.

One of my favorite quotes from a lecture I went to in college was,

“We change and the world offers us new opportunities to understand ourselves.”

I can’t remember what the speech was about but that quote stuck with me, because we are constantly morphing into a new version of ourselves, why not choose who that person is?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Make Peace With The Past

So, now that you’ve put your relationship behind you, you have to get rid of that bitterness that comes with the thoughts about it. We’re going to work on getting rid of that automatic grimace that comes across your face every time someone says your ex’s name.

Here’s how we will accomplish this:

DON’T regret having had the relationship. Every moment in our lives, whether they turn out how we plan or not, can be used to make ourselves better and stronger. Each moment has the potential to be a learning opportunity should we choose to use it.

And

DO accept that your feelings will fade the longer you go without contact and the more you let go of what could have been. Stepping back and getting a grasp on reality will never be a bad thing. However, if your feelings don’t completely fade, know that it is completely normal to still have a bit of a connection with your ex. Love for someone doesn’t just go away overnight. The only way it goes away completely is over time. Sometimes that takes a LOT of time. Doesn’t mean you can’t move on.

That being said, if he’s already moved on, DO be happy for him.

No, I don’t mean fake it.

Do some soul searching and realize that you can’t make someone love you. In still loving him, you want him to be happy. I mean what more do you want for the people you care for than for them to be happy?

I realize that it will difficult not to be at least a little bitter that it wasn’t you that he wound up being happy with, but by putting forth effort into trying to be happy for him, you are allowing yourself to move on. If you hold on to that bitterness, it’s like holding on to long to a rope swing. It’ll only end in you getting hurt further.

And he’ll be completely fine.

You just have to let go before it’s too late.

rope Swing

DO love yourself more than you love him.

I know it’s difficult to manage your focus after a breakup. It’s like your brain has a filter and it only picks up on things that make you think of him.

Heck I once found a friend of mine sitting in the middle of the shampoo and body wash isle at the supermarket consumed in tears because she smelled a soap that a guy she had just split up with used.

Put your focus on making yourself happy and becoming a better version of yourself. Handle those waves of memories with grace and you’ll be glad there isn’t a security guard somewhere replaying a video of you sobbing into the toilet paper on the bottom rack of your shopping cart over and over again.

Eventually, you will begin letting people enter your life and you don’t want to meet them as a pudgy puddle of sadness and tissues.

Focus on the Future

Ralph Waldo Emerson

DO focus on regaining confidence.

Dye or cut your hair.

Hit the gym and feel good about the way you look and feel.

Invest in a few new outfits that make you feel powerful and sexy.

Get you a pair of heels that make you walk like you own the town. Trust me, they make a huge difference in the way you carry yourself and in turn can change the entire way you feel about you. You’ll know when you have found the right ones.

Learn how to properly do your eyeliner. Seriously, ladies! You know we all have trouble with that. I know two people that can get it right 97 % of the time and they had to go to beauty school for years to master it.

My grandmother used to joke that in order to know that you did your eyeliner properly, it had to be so sharp it could kill a man. In my niece’s words, “Man, Aunt Ashley, your eyeliner SLAYS.” I’m assuming they both represent the same sentiment. Regardless, I know that when I’ve put a bit of effort into doing my makeup, I feel powerful.

Basically, do what makes you feel powerful, whatever that is.

sharp eyeliner

DO get used to the idea of a new relationship.

I’m not saying go searching for one, just know that eventually you will be in a new relationship that does not involve your ex. Knowing that this is something that will eventually and inevitably happen, not only gives you something to look forward to, but also gives you a reason not to take one step forward and then too steps back.

It’s that big striped flag at the end of a race that urges you on and keep you from doubling over and giving into that catch in your side that has been pestering you for the last three miles.

DO focus on your hobbies.

For me, my hobbies help a lot with the gaining confidence. I cycle and work out. When I went through my last break up I found myself in the gym more and cycling more. I wound up being in the best shape of my life. I felt GREAT about the way I looked and the way I felt. I still do!

And that brings me to my next point.

DO go out and have fun.

Meet new people and let people flirt with you. Like I said, Don’t go looking for a rebound or a new relationship. It just helps a lot with the regaining of confidence to know that you are still desirable to other men. This keeps you from getting ex-tunnel vision.

tunnel

This just goes to show how important it is I have “regain confidence” written three separate times in my notes. So you can guess where I’m going to tell you to focus all of your energy.

Lastly, when you finally do get to a point where you are ready to start dating again, DON’T compare your new relationship to the old one. It’s like giving your new relationship the kiss of death.

dementor

Stay with me here.

You spend the entire afternoon getting ready. You feel great about the way you look, because you’ve got your new heels on and your eyeliner could easily be mistaken for Xena’s Sword.

He picks you up.

The conversation on the way to dinner couldn’t be better. You arrive. He is the perfect gentleman. He opened the door for you and pulled out your chair.

Your ex never did that.

He suggests a wine that you’ve never tried. It is perfect and it complements your dish perfectly.

Your ex wasn’t this cultured.

He asks about your hobbies and your goals in life. He wants all the same things out of life that you do.

Your ex always hated that you wanted to build your own career and weren’t too keen on having a flock of children like he was.

You see what has happened. Your date could not possibly be more perfect, but because you keep comparing him to your ex… Your ex may as well be there on the date with you.

New canvasthird wheel

The Take-Away

So, if you take a step back and look over what I’ve laid out for you here, you’ll see that getting over someone that you still love boils down to four simple actions.

  1. Remove the object of fixation from your line of sight, in this case your ex, so you can focus elsewhere, such as moving forward.
  2. Let go of the future you had planned.
  3. Make peace with your past by accepting that it will be just that, the past.
  4. Focus on the future by identifying your shortcomings and adjusting your course to create a new outcome.

Walking away from this experience, you should be more confident in who you are and have a new vision for the opportunities that lay ahead. Running into your ex should no longer be a reason to panic, but a quick glimpse into what might have been, followed by a prompt “C’est la vie”, or “Such is Life”.

I hope that each of you take the advice in this article to heart if you are truly ready to move forward with your life. This is one of the toughest yet most rewarding gifts I could have given myself, the gift of confidence and freedom, and now I pass it on to you.

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54 thoughts on “How To Get Over An Ex Boyfriend When You’re Still In Love With Him”

  1. Avatar

    Anna

    March 10, 2018 at 1:21 am

    I am actually excited about getting over him. The constant drama is exhausting and while we have fun together… emotionally he is not all there. Now that I have gone no contact in the recent past I know I can do it again without dying lol. He came back alright. Only to tell me he wanted me in his life forever… but he didnt mean in a relationship arggghhhh

    I am just tired of it. And I realized on this snowy night that I wished with all my heart I was sitting with him. (I have to drive by his house its on the main road in and I could see he had lit his fire *sniff) But I also realized that what I really miss is loving someone so much. I practise. And he does not want me to. Not really. I miss having someone to look forward to seeing. I miss the excitement. But I dont miss the drama and bullshit.

    Oh and by the way I did burn a house down 20 years ago and lost everything I owned. That was a cakewalk compared to letting go of this damaged man I have tried so hard to love for almost a decade. But I dont know what has happened. I am just relieved its over and I have hope for the future.

    So yes No contact works. But do you really want it to? LOL.

  2. Avatar

    Amy

    February 16, 2018 at 6:16 pm

    I have the strength. The guy is a morally bankrupt slut of a man and a cocaine addict to boot. And he is constantly sleeping with other people. I am beating myself up for taking 8 years to not be an idiot!!! And I am still feeling pain that my dreams never came true. Even though my brain knows he is a horrible human being. My heart is stupid as hell. How long til this pain goes away urgggg I cannot stop thinking about it!!!

  3. Avatar

    Leyna

    May 19, 2017 at 9:55 pm

    What can I do to change his view of me being a chaser? do you think I should let go because no matter what I do, it wouldn’t change his mind

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 19, 2017 at 11:12 pm

      You can’t control other people.. That’s what standards are for.. Check this links:
      The Ungettable Girl
      Chase Theory: How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Chase You Again

  4. Avatar

    Leyna

    May 18, 2017 at 7:12 am

    Hi Amor,
    I want to start by saying thank you to EBR Team for offering practical and valuable advice to the broken/half-broken/healing hearts.
    I met this guy and after our first date, he wanted to be friends because he had no romantic feelings for me. I agreed. He then started dating this girl but kept in touch with me and our friendship became a bit complicated because we often exchanged flirtatious messages and both of us found that this secret ‘rendezvous’ was very exciting. One day, he told me that he needed to cut all ties with me because his girlfriend found out and that he did not want to do anything to upset/hurt her. I begged him to ‘stay’ but he refused. I reached out to him many times for a year but he completely ignored me. I made one last attempt a week ago and succeeded, he responded. We have been texting for about a week now. I am confused and puzzled about his sudden ‘willingness’ to talk to me again.
    Do you think he is just being nice and polite?
    Should I ask him if he is still dating her? Or even worse, if he had married her? I like him a lot and part of me is willing to do anything to keep him but the other part is telling me to walk away because history can repeat itself and he may ‘dump’ me anytime. I am at a crossroad…

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 19, 2017 at 9:35 pm

      when was the your text before this last text? and what did you send in your latest text that he replied to? Honestly, if you chased him for a year, that means he might still be viewing you as a chaser now, and just texting you for variety.. unless, they’re not together and he’s being more open now but that still doesn’t change you, being the chaser..

  5. Avatar

    Angela

    December 3, 2016 at 5:22 pm

    Hi Amor,

    Need your advice about my ex. He broke up with me about 5 months ago saying he had too many personal problems to deal with (he never told me anything about those). He was living with his brother and had issues with him causing problems in the home.

    Our breakup was not nasty, I just wished him well and hoped everything would work out. I went into strict no contact and he texted me last week all of a sudden. We chatted back and forth and said he missed me lots. He didn’t say what it was he wanted exactly but then began saying things like I love you.

    I started getting attached to him again and thinking about him a lot on a daily basis.

    Two days ago we were discussing our feelings. Said he will always love me. I replied back said I missed him too and he will always remain in my heart. Didn’t hear back from him for rest of day so I sent another text saying have a wonderful day.

    After this I never heard back from him at all! I pour out my feelings and he just totally ignored it. I feel really hurt and humiliated. I know there is nothing wrong with him (accident, etc.) as I talk with two of his friends regularly at school and there is no evidence of any issues going on like losing his phone, or any emergencies that would cause him not to reply.

    Was he just playing with my head? I would like to get back together with him but wonder if I am just being toyed with.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 4, 2016 at 10:29 am

      Hi,

      I think he doesn’t want to get back with you, so when you confessed, he realized he cant let you expect.. Dis you try the no contact rule in the past 5 months?

  6. Avatar

    Xena hope

    October 6, 2016 at 9:36 pm

    Me and my ex broke up again because Im pregnant and want to keep the baby later that day my mom and dad comes to his house banging on his door ( I did not know they were doing this) so he told me dont ever text him again cause he thought I told my mom to do all of that when I did not then his mom called me pissed saying she shouldn’t be doing that and threatening him to come out and I absolutely agreed that my mom was wrong and I told my mom that so I told her I’ll call her back to tell her what I’m going to do with the baby so at 10 : 45 I called and told her I was keeping the baby so she said okay and Michael will not be talking to you at for good and to not call or text him no more … i was hurt so I just said ok and hung up so the next day I texted Michael and wrote him a long paragraph about how i felt and how do he say he loves me but treats me so wrong and doesn’t support my decision yes I know were both young but to have me go through this by myself thats not love at all right? so i called because everytime I texted him I wasn’t getting a response because i was confused how you just get out of a serious or with me and right back in a relationship with someone else i was hurt so I called and his mom picks up and I asked is he mad with me knowing he is and she was like yes and I’m mad as well what your mom did was disrespectful showing up to my house like that and I was like that had nothing to do with me so she said that was the last straw and he will not be having no type of communication with me at all and how he doesn’t want to be apart of the child’s life
    and doesn’t know how it will be in the future

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 9, 2016 at 3:19 pm

      Hi Xena,

      what’s your plan now?

  7. Avatar

    Mikayla

    October 4, 2016 at 7:53 pm

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me a few days ago. He said that he was not happy anymore but that it wasn’t because of me. He is getting counseling hoping that will help. He said this was the hardest decision of his life and that he made it because it wasn’t fair to me and that I would be happier in the end this way. I tried getting him to realize that this was too painful and that I would be happier with him. He tells me I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I do not know what to do, I love him so much it hurts not being near him and I want him back. How can I make him see that we should still be together? Please help me!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 6, 2016 at 9:29 pm

      Hi Mikayla,

      Be your best self.. Give him space by doing the no contact rule and just be active in improving yourself.

  8. Avatar

    Eva

    September 18, 2016 at 11:01 pm

    Great article. So I dated my ex who happens to be my first for 6 years and along the line, a lot of things happened which I couldn’t forgive him for. I ended up keeping grudges and eventually broke up with him. He pleaded with me not to go but I had already replaced him with someone else and all his pleas fell on deaf ears. A year into the relationship with the new guy, we ended things because of religious differences and the fact that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. So I contacted my ex(my first) and he was really happy to hear from me after a year. Told me how much he missed me and how he wanted us back together. Meanwhile, he had a girlfriend who was in another state so it was a long distance relationship. He claimed not to love her as she was just a distraction from me while I was away. I believed him and after 3 months of constant communication, we had sex. About 6 months into our rekindled relationship, he said he can’t promise me anything and he feels I should move on. I was shocked and hurt coz he said he’s still in a relationship with his girlfriend in another state. I told him I was okay with it and that I would eventually move on. Fast forward to a year after our reunion, he broke up with this other girl and told me that his actions didn’t mean he was going to officially date me. And I was hurt once again. He said he doesn’t trust me again and that I really messed him up when I left. Saying he’s now very complicated and confused. He also said that he still wants me in his life, he wants us to remain close friends(more like friends with benefits) and that I should move on. Now, he’s dating some other girl in the same state with us just a few weeks after officially ending his relationship with the other girl he dated while I was away. I know this sounds very complicated but I feel so much pain at the moment. I feel he’s trying to get back at me for replacing him so fast after I broke up with him. I’ve asked him and he says he doesn’t do revenge. I’m the only one he’s been sleeping with since we started talking again and I assumed it’s because the other girl was in another state. But now that this new girl is in the same state with us, I don’t know what’s going to happen. A part of me wants to believe he’s just trying to get back at me for what I did to him and he really has nothing to do with this new girl coz she’s not his type at all. I’m just really confused. I’ve tried NC for a month but it only lasted for 2 weeks and we had sex. I have a strong feeling that if I eventually move on, he’s going to come begging and I don’t want any of that. I’m utterly confused…

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 20, 2016 at 7:29 pm

      Hi Eva,

      You need a restart. I think you need to do another no contact but this time, send a message first before doing it. Don’t ever sleep with him again if you’re not officially together.

      You don’t have to follow this word by word by tell him you can’t be friends with benefits anymore because it’s not in your character, and that you’re sorry for all the hurt you caused him before. Yes, you still have feelings for him, so it’s really hard for you to be friends right now and that you really need space to heal. When you’re ready, you’ll reconnect again.

      And then do no contact, improve yourself.. Let’s hope he realizes that he’s ready to forgive you and get back with you before you finish 45 days no contact. And if he does, don’t stop improving yourself

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    Megan

    September 6, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago due to the fact I felt he wasn’t putting in enough effort with me which he put down to work commitments. This is the first time in almost two years that we haven’t had contact. For the majority of our relationship, we were extremely happy, but the break up came about because I was feeling unwanted and not worth the time. All of these concerns were expressed to him. When we were together, things were normal and we were happy but apart I felt very distant to him. Anyway, the reason why I’m writing this is I broke up with him, and two days later he posted a picture of himself at a festival. Assuming he went to distract himself, I didn’t react to the post. Instead I’ve been avoiding going on Facebook altogether. I also felt he posted it to show me he was having a good time. Then yesterday, I met up with a friend and posted a picture on snapchat of me and her smiling. Later that day, I passed him in traffic on the way to another friends house. About an hour later, another close friend messaged me to tell me he Facebook messaged her to ask if I’m okay, she told him I was fine and that she was sorry things didn’t work out for us. He replied telling her he knows and that it is his own fault and that he has learned from his mistakes. She told him its me he should be having this conversation with but instead he told her he believes it’s time to move on. My question is, that day I showed no signs of being upset over the breakup. The picture I posted was a genuine happy moment. I was out and about. He knew I was okay. If he believes it’s time to move on, why would he reach out to my friend? I’m not contacting him until he contacts me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2016 at 10:05 am

      Hi Megan,

      maybe he doesnt know how to start the conversation. That’s the only first text he can think of, to ask how you are..

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    Louisa

    September 3, 2016 at 8:22 pm

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me four months ago , he said he’s got issues and so do I so it would never work , he suffers from depression and he has pushed me away before when he was having a bad time , we spoke about marriage and kids and told me he has never loved anyone like he loved me but then I’ve heard from a friend he said he loved me but there wasn’t a spark, we were together 5 years. We have done the NC for a long while and then I messaged him wishing him well and told him about a series to watch he replied and then left it as that , we haven’t spoke since. Am I fighting a lost cause ? Help !

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 4, 2016 at 8:22 pm

      Hi Louisa,

      so the relationship got boring for him. You said you did nc for a long while. How long was it and did you improve yourself while in it? HOw much and did you continue to do so until now? And actually, it takes time to build rapport again, it’s not just with one text.

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    Nicole

    September 3, 2016 at 6:48 am

    Ive been together with my boyfriend(ex now) for 7 years. We’ve been through a lot together. Death of our daughter, my disease and our crazy families. I love him so much but he put me through hell too. He got another girl pregnant before getting back together with me after a nasty split. I said some awful mean things to him about our passed daughter and i feel horrible about it. He chose to be with the pregnant girl instead of me cause of the child. My friends say he was shitty to me a lot but i was in love so i guess i never realized it. How do i sleep at night? I cant stoo crying.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 4, 2016 at 10:05 am

      Hi Nicole,

      did you mean how can you move on? do you want to try what’s advised above?

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    Nicky Thatcher

    September 1, 2016 at 3:50 am

    I have been with my boyfriend for the past.20 years and he said that he has met someone else another girl but he wont tell me her name he has been away for the weekend with her and he going to.be spending new years.eve.with her and he said that she wants to take his.clothes and.have sex with.he has told me that he is.on a prommise with this girl in question and he has promise her he wouldnt have sex with me but its to late we have had sex four times threee times yesterday afternoon and then again at 1:30am And i said to him i.still love you still love them when we had finished he said.this was a big mistake it never should of happened he.said he felt guilty having sex with me he has to understand im still his girlfriend at the momment he is not in a relationship with her just yet there only friends and she told my still boyfriend that she had seen me in brixton a.few times and.she has said she dont like me and she has never sèen me what can i do to stop him from being.in a relationship with.her i.have told.him.i.will.find.someone else to be with he leaves.me.what can i do i.need help

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 1, 2016 at 1:52 pm

      Hi Nicky,

      do you live together? First, you have to reread your comment. YOu’re his girlfriend and yet he’s promising to some girl that he wont have sex with you?

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    Fred

    August 30, 2016 at 8:45 pm

    Awesome post Ashley…brilliant. Insightful advice for anyone going through the heartbreak of a failed relationship. love those original illustrations that underscore your themes!

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    Georgia

    August 30, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    Hi! Great post! I am already trying to move on and have carried out the things in this article but great to have something to look back at and re read if I need it. Me and my ex broke up 8 months ago after 4 years together, I followed your program and we went on a few ‘dates’ and it worked, however he made it clear that he could not be in a relationship right now, so that was it, also he has still not got into another relationship and doesn’t seem to be heading that way so at least he in honest! We see each other at least once a month because we are in the same friends group and always get on really well, but I wish I didn’t have to see him at all, as we always get on so well it makes me feel sad afterwards, however I don’t want to lose my friends. Also I think he knows he still has me from recent interactions which annoys me, even though I am dating lots to move on and he is aware of this. When we broke up he said he needed time to be single and date lots (we are only 23 and i’m his first) and that maybe in 2 years we could be back together ( he said this several times whilst being very upset and emotional, not what seemed like to cushion the blow for me). When he recently found out that I am soon to be an auntie he congratulated me and then he sent long messages to my family members, about what a wonderful family to be born into, it will be a lucky child etc and how he sends his love. Then a few weeks later he contacted me to help him with a problem he could have solved on his own easily, I helped him and we flirted lots that day, then when we had sorted the problem, I just said take care, and he responded with ‘well I will see you at the next social event anyway won’t I?’ This is what I mean that he knows it’s never really goodbye and he hasn’t lost me, he wants to keep me there just incase, or am I reading too much into this?
    I would really appreciate your insight! Many Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2016 at 1:55 pm

      HI Georgia,

      maybe he’s just being friendly.. he already said he doesn’t want a relationship. If he wants it now, he has to say it first.

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    M.

    August 29, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    What does it mean your ex when start talking againnwith him says there s a guy that likes you and said to add him on fb and says he doesn t mind if you do or not??

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 30, 2016 at 11:20 am

      Maybe it’s just his way of testing you.. Just agree and say thanks. If the nc is done, it’s time to slowly rebuild rapport.