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240 thoughts on “How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else”

  1. J

    July 4, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    Hi!
    My ex and I are in the building rapport phase since 2 weeks ago. He had a new girlfriend for 5 months. They broke up 3 days ago and he told me he is broken and wait for him to text me. What should i do? Should i be there for him and eventually get him back?
    Thanks,
    Jane

    1. J

      July 13, 2017 at 7:42 am

      He initiated, but just because he got back to her. Some days we don’t talk and some days we talk, but shortly and he keeps mentioning her. I really don’t know what am i supposed to do right now… Please help me with an advice. I care too much about him.
      Thank you for wour answers.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2017 at 4:12 pm

      Keep building rapport.. It will take longer than usual because he’s in a relationship.. Follow the advice above

    3. J

      July 9, 2017 at 7:41 pm

      Ok, so i will step back for a few days until he texts me. And if he doesn’t? Should i try text him in a week or two?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 12, 2017 at 2:03 pm

      Yes you’re right.. If he doesn’t, initiate

    5. J

      July 8, 2017 at 9:36 am

      Thank you for your kind words. πŸ™‚
      But.. he doesn’t respond my texts anymore because she is jealous of me and i guess he doesn’t want to hurt her even they aren’t together anymore. What should i do?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      Step back and lay low for a few days

    7. J

      July 5, 2017 at 5:22 pm

      I’m trying to do that. But it gets harder everyday because of my feeling for him. Should I just get a break because i don’t want to be hurt again?

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 5, 2017 at 6:45 pm

      Only the brave and tough dont avoid being hurt.. So, take this as opportunity to learn being brave amd tough

    9. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 5, 2017 at 5:13 pm

      It depends if you improved yourself and are still active in doing it

  2. Norah

    July 3, 2017 at 6:51 pm

    Dear Amor,

    I am trying the being there strategy for a while now or actually for six months..
    I should give you some background story first.
    My boyfriend broke up with me 2,5 years ago as I was going to move a couple of hours away. We were dating back then for three months and he didn’t want to become closer and closer to me as it would break his heart even more as I was going to move. It took a while to sell the house and everything; so I moved almost eight months ago and during the time between the break up and me moving away. We became closer and I really believe much closer than we were during our short relationship. During this time he actually did ask me or almost asked me back as is his girlfriend, but that we all moments where he got reminded of me going to move away or words he wasn’t meant to say out loud.

    But during my move a couple of hours away he started searching for a new girl, I guess to fill in my place in his life.. which he found and which made me upset as I needed him when I was new and lonely in my new city. After he told me about his new girlfriend I went into a 30 days of no contact, which turned out into 34 days. After the no contact I started implementing the being there strategy. He does actually never speak about his girlfriend to me; only when he started to say he would like to come over and he told me he was thinking about breaking up with her. But he never did as well as he hasn’t visited me ever since I have moved. They’re together now for I guess six months and I truly believe she isn’t just a rebound, eventhough he doesn’t tell me much about her..

    A couple of days ago I wasn’t feeling physically and emotional well and eventhough the distance between us he was there for me.; actually for the first time after I have moved. When I told him I was missing him being around; he said something like: ‘stay strong and keep fighting for what you miss, you will see it back some day’ and I told him I will. He was always saying to me (until he got his new girlfriend) that he believed in our relationship and that if two people are meant to be; they will find their way back to each other. But he’s afraid he will ruin everything between us; if it won’t work out in a long distance relationship; so he is keeping me off; ’cause of our situation if we commit and his new situation with his girlfriend. I have the feeling he is seeing me as a threat for his relationship.

    What do you think is the best for me to do?

    I would love to hear from you
    Love Norah

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 5, 2017 at 4:30 pm

  3. Brittany warner

    June 28, 2017 at 3:41 am

    My ex and currently work together. We dated for a year before he broke up with me. He told me he loved me but wanted to move on. He said he needed to work on himself. I was a fool and kept trying to get him back I finally stopped. Now we talked today and he told me that he still loves me and misses me a lot but he’s not ready to be with me because he’s currently with this girl who he says he’s not happy with. He told me that he wants to start over with me but feels bad about hurting her. I’m not sure what to do? Or if I still have a chance.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 30, 2017 at 9:39 am

      What did you say when he said that to you?

  4. Annie2

    June 27, 2017 at 7:44 pm

    Hi,
    I met a few times with my ex, it was fun, and unbeat, we laughed a lot. I don’t want to be seen as needy,nor mess it up, because we have come far after months of no contact.But after the few encounters,I don’t know what to do to move a little further.I told him about a guy who tried to kiss me, and that I was not happy for it and that we cleared and ended the situation. My ex asked a lot of questions, how it happened, where and when…But I dont understand his reaction completely, and I feel like we reached a point and I can not move further with him. Should I go no contact for a few weeks?

    1. Annie2

      August 7, 2017 at 7:06 pm

      I mean that I did not adapt to him at all, I cared about my own will.It was my first relationship,and I didn’t know how to cooperate with an other person.Now it seems unthoughtful and childish…But I needed this experience to be aware of what I’m doing in a situation like that. This is why he says he needs to trust me again before anything else and first we need to be friends.How to show him that my part of our problem was a meaningful experience for me and learned something about myself?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 9, 2017 at 2:57 pm

      This will sound counterintuituve, you have you have to stop trying to show or convince him because if you really changed, you wouldn’t care what he thinks about you.. You’ll be friendly but you’ll still have your own life

    3. Annie2

      August 4, 2017 at 9:14 am

      Hello,
      Thanks for answering me:) now we meet 2-3 times a week, just hanging out.He seems happy when he saw me.We talked while he was hugging me and he told me that he would like to be friends, and I asked him that just friends?(he has a girlfriend)He said everything starts there first and he need to be able to trust me again(old behavior trying to change him) and that he would like to trust me.I asked him why and he said he will answer it later but it would be a good feeling for him if he could trust me. He told me that he misses me too(I don’t know if it’s true) what do you think about it? What should I do?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 6, 2017 at 7:56 am

      follow the advice above.. and don’t seem like you’re just there waiting for him. What do you mean that you’re trying to change him?

    5. Annie2

      July 21, 2017 at 8:22 am

      Thanks:)We talked and my conclusion is that a big problem is trust.Not because there was infidelity involved,but because I did things in the past that made him decide that we won’t work in the future.I can see that he still has feelings but that lack of trust holds him back and he is in a comfortable situation that he has a girlfriend, and I know, without trust it would be an unnecessary risk to try with me again.He looked me in the eye and said he would like to trust me again and build it with time,build friendship and more. But I dont want to pressure him by expectations.By now,we agree with words what went wrong.But how could I show him with actions that I have learned from the past mistakes?Is it good if he said he would like to trust in me?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 12:21 pm

      Yes, that’s good.. You just have to keep being consistent over time on improving and not going back on your old behaviors

    7. Annie2

      July 15, 2017 at 11:31 am

      I appreciate your reply:)Now we are in a situation in which meet regularly,but in a casual way,walking home together after work and we flirt, have fun.Last time he even asked whether we will meet next week,because the previous week we avoided each other(by accident,we finished work at different times)So if he likes these hangouts, after a meeting which ended on a really high note,should I disappear for a few days or it’s better if he knows he can count on me in this?(I dont want him to be too comfortable and believe that he can take me off the shelf anytime he’d like)

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 18, 2017 at 8:17 pm

      yes and no.. Sometimes he has to be assured you will see each other at this day but variety is important for him not to be too comfortable that you’re just there. So, there has to be some days that you’re not sure what you’re plans are and to be busy on other things.

    9. Annie2

      July 10, 2017 at 7:00 pm

      Thanks πŸ™‚ I will continue being friendly with him. Nowadays he asks a lot about a guy who I’m dating: his name, about a gift he gave me, what kind of car he has, about a trip I had with the guy. Why does he ask those? And what could I do with this to help my situation with him?

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2017 at 9:12 am

      Maybe he’s jealous..that’s good.. Just be casual about it and answer his questions

    11. Annie2

      July 7, 2017 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks,I will definitely do so! He told me we could meet in any afternoon after work,and could walk home together.(we go in the same direction)
      What could it mean if he blushed when I kissed him on the cheek? Even though he held his cheek,so it wasn’t unexpected. I can see the moments when I have an effect on him, how could I use these moments in the best way? After a memorable moment,leaving him for a few days? Thanks

    12. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 6:34 pm

      Yup you’re right.. Sometimes just one day is enough

    13. Annie2

      June 30, 2017 at 7:34 pm

      Thanks for answering:)yes, after a few meetings,seeing him in person.He told me that with his girlfriend they fight a lot in the past 1-2months,and that he’s thinking,but I can see that he’s still holding on to that relatipnship.He told me it felt good when I hugged him once.What would be smart from me to do? (you said not no contact ) I know that our big problem was that I was too needy…

    14. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Just continue being friendly while having your own life..being more productive in your own life and continuing your own activitied

    15. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 29, 2017 at 4:34 pm

      Nope.. What do you mean by encounters? As in seeing each other in person?

  5. Bee

    June 27, 2017 at 1:11 am

    EBR

    I need some guidance here please!!!
    My boyfriend of approximately 6 months broke up with me on May 6. Since then we have had conversations, mostly arguing, but toward the last week of May our conversations were becoming more positive. We went from May 12 – May 23 without speaking. May 6 – May 12 we argued via phone and text/messenger. Between those dates I was consistently negative and kept referring back to the breakup every time we spoke. I think he was trying to make things right, at the very least trying to be friends. I kept pushing him away by wallowing in self-pity and saying things like ‘I don’t get to have anything good, that’s for other people. I should never have gotten my hopes up’, etc, etc. I don’t think I even listened to what he had to say.
    To give a little more context to the situation, my mom had just finished chemo when we got together. My dad passed from pancreatic cancer in August 2015 after mom and I cared for him at home for 6 months. His viewing was on my 40th birthday. I was demoted at work in March this year and am still working my finances back up. Add to that my Bipolar Type II diagnosis and you have a recipe for a clinically depressed, clingy, self-pitying irritable mess.
    He contacted me May 23, May 31, and June 23 via Facebook Messenger to ask how I was doing and how my work was going. He called me once on June 13, twice on June 15. I didn’t respond. He says he wants to be friends with me, but I’ve told him I can’t do that, at least not yet.
    I initiated NC on May 26, the date of the last message I sent him in which I told him I think of him more in the afternoons. He didn’t reply.
    I had my suspicions, and today confirmed via a mutual friend, that he is seeing someone, the friend thinks about 2-3 weeks. I couldn’t determine if he and the current love interest were friends before now. I did some Facebook stalking and saw that the first post of his that she ‘liked’ was April 22. She wasn’t a real presence on his page yet. On June 7 he posted that he was having a midnight snack and tagged her, along with a picture of her hand holding a sandwich. She has consistently ‘liked’ almost every post of his since June 7. I’m not sure of their exact status, because the friend said ‘seeing someone’ and both Facebook statuses are still ‘single’.
    I’ve been working on myself while I’m in NC, although it’s not possible to have much of a social life with 3 jobs! I’m determined to make it without depending on anyone else to bail me out. I am currently on day 31 and I feel so stuck and confused!
    I’m struggling with what to do here! Did I make a huge mistake by not responding to his attempts to reach me? I can’t stop thinking that he wanted to get back with me. Should I treat this as a General Breakup or proceed as if he has a new girlfriend? I don’t want to give up on this man! Please, please, please point me in the right direction before I do something hasty!!!

    I would like to add that his mother passed away in March. He is an extremely hard worker and prides himself on making his living owning his own business. Just after I lost my job and before his mom passed, we both had the flu and missed a week of work. He lost another 3-4 weeks preparing for his mom’s funeral and taking care of her estate. We were both under heavy stress and irritable with each other. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I began to recover from the breakup and looked at things from a more objective viewpoint. I’ve apologized and tried to make it right again so many times that I’m absolutely heartsick. I don’t want to be just friends but I’m afraid it might be too late for us.
    I really appreciate the advice in your columns! You helped me from humiliating myself and hurting more than I already am. I remembered my own worth for the first time in almost 2 years. I don’t need to beg! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 29, 2017 at 6:18 am

      Hi Bee,

      Stop being desperate.. If you can’t do much because of your sched, the least you can do is not be emotional.. If you’re that emotional dont text to build rapport, you’ll just end up fighting

  6. Balerin

    June 23, 2017 at 12:02 pm

    basically he had started treating me differently right i started to noticed and one day I told him off and was like you dry you treating me different you don’t tell me things anymore ect. And he told me that he just started catching feelings for someone else and long story short i was like you have a week to decide what you want take your time see what you like about her try to remember what made you like me And he picked her let me tell you that shit hurt like hell because I really have gone through stuff and I told him everything everything he was my first boyfriend I wasn’t his first girlfriend but i was the first person he had sex with he was my first too after i had gotten rape after we broke up I found out that she use to push Herself on him that she was trying too hard she knew he had me at the time too that she sat on his lap and that he didn’t tell her to get off and that just hurt i heard she does this like follow people’s boyfriend and that she’s obsessed with him and i don’t care for her it’s him that gets me mad because he actually entertained her lil game gave her his number and he would tell me it was nothing and it was surprising to me because he used to tell me the girl would stalk him that he didn’t like her but look well he broke up with me asked her out 2 days later the day we would have made 11 months and the way he said it was like oh we should just be friends you deserve the best ect. and i remember saying oh ok I respect that but it really did really hurt i saw him after that and we were good and whatever but he really hurt me I trusted him with my stuff his mom and i talk and stuff we use to go places on dates ect we bought each other so much stuff and I know it’s not material things but i put my all into that relationship and I remember giving him the only thing my dad ever gave me (I didn’t see my father often very rarely we didn’t great along very well but he was still special to me) I would write him letters make him photo albums he would sit there and talk about our future and I’ve cried so much because he was literally my first everything kiss first date first person to you know after i was raped and he just well went for her no valid reason just said he was catching feelings for her and what hurt me more is that he said he started catching feelings for her the week he told me and it’s like no I know you were catching feelings for long before that im not stupid you like her while you were having sex with me but I thought him and i were ok on good terms tills the day my dad died and im guessing he found out cause I talk to his friends and he texted me first asked how i was doing and I told him what had happened he said sorry for your loss ect. But while texting me he was telling our other friend that he thought I was talking Shit to his friends which I wasn’t because i maybe hurt but don’t have the time to be talking about someone who isn’t thinking twice about me so got upset all the anger and pain I didn’t show the day of the break up came out I remember telling him why did our friend tell me you thought i was saying crap to your friends forget you stop acting like you care and said I only said what I heard and i did care but now I don’t and i said you were the one who said we should be friends why didn’t you ask me if you thought i was saying things i proceeded to tell him what i had said that i was happy for him because if I wasn’t doing it for him im glad she is I told him he didn’t have to care it was my lost not his but that it was still nice to hear him say sorry I remember all he said was no problem I asked can we be on good terms you live 3 houses down it’s not like we won’t bump into each other it’s already awkward as it is and he didn’t even respond and I don’t know im hurt confused i miss him a lot im hurt because i put a lot into that relationship and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever come back or if he ever looks at all our pictures and stuff and I don’t know remembers how much i love him I don’t know im very hurt it’s been a month since he broke up with me today would have been our year but it’s their first month i saw him today but I walked the other way I don’t know why im even writing this I just need to let it out I seriously miss what we had this is someone i told everything to he’s the only one who knew about my rape everything I know I shouldn’t be hoping he comes back but sadly it’s what i want I don’t know I just thought he was the one part of me still thinks he is i still love him like crazy And recently I found out i am pregnant and I wasn’t gonna tell him because he made it pretty clear the day my father passed that he didn’t want anything to do with me but one of my colleagues ended up telling him he called me texted me and we talked about how we weren’t gonna have it but idk he sounds like he didn’t care im just trying to get him back i miss him

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 23, 2017 at 9:39 pm

      HI Balerin,

      you’re full of hormones right now.. so, take time to think through your decisions first. If you’re keeping the baby, check this one too:
      Here’s How To Get Your β€œBaby Daddy” Back

  7. Jo

    June 22, 2017 at 8:20 pm

    Hey, thank you so much for this article – it is certainly what I need right now! Any chance you could help me out of this mess? πŸ™
    I’ve been heartbroken for a whole year now over a guy I was only seeing (not in a committed relationship) for 6 months. We remain in contact via. Facebook. I really like him and as I result, have made some incredibly bad moves previously when upset, by deleting him on Facebook (3 times – twice where I re-added him straight away and he accepted straight away & once where I deleted him for 6 months and then re-added him and he accepted straight away). I’ve also sent him awfully horrible messages when he strung me along (i.e. arranging a meet up and then not replying when trying to agree on a time), to which I then later would apologize and he’d forgive me straight away and agree with me that he was really messing me about and that I deserve better, etc. I’ve tried my hardest to follow all the advice on here (I have, at times, messed up – it’s hard! But everytime I have managed to strictly follow your advice, it has most certainly worked in my favour πŸ™‚ ). A couple of months ago I managed to arrange 2 dates with this guy, and the last one resulted in a very passionate kiss! Then I went and messed things up again and got all over dramatic and upset because I couldn’t hold it together when he took over 2 weeks to reply to me πŸ™ However, I think if I had just held things together and been cool, things could have been different! Anyway now I’m moving onwards and upwards because everyday is a new blank page πŸ™‚
    Current situation: Hadn’t spoken to each other in a few months and it was my birthday – I was, for the first time in my life, going to an exotic holiday destination with my best friend and it was going to be during my birthday too. We had a fabulous time and I ensured to put plenty of pictures up on Facebook to show off just how much fun we were indeed having hehe. The photos actually looked spectacular! I was shocked to receive a happy birthday message from him, commenting on how beautiful the place I was looked (‘Paradise’ – he put) and how he hopes I’m having a brilliant time etc. He even put 2 ‘xs’ on the end which all added to the surprise, as he hasn’t done this in a while. I replied after some time and was really calm and cool with him – being an ‘Ungettable Girl’ to the fullest πŸ™‚ He has been liking so many of my Facebook posts, never before has he liked this many! He then suggested meeting up for a catch up! I couldn’t believe it, but then again I didn’t hear from him in a while and I got upset again – cheekily told him I knew he was ignoring me and when did he want to meet up (In retrospect I think this was a bad move, as even though it was cheeky, it was certainly not Ungettable Girl-ish!) . He suggested that week and asked when I was free. That’s when he posted up a picture of him and a new girl (clearly they are seeing each other – they look very coupley. I have also since found out that they went on holiday together and there is a whole album of pictures of them together looking lovely). I instantly freaked out and messaged him saying that I see he’s found a lovely new girl and that she looks lovely – but that maybe we shouldn’t meet if that’s the case? I regret sending this as he hasn’t replied since, I didn’t know what was going on and we haven’t met up. I then messaged him again telling him how upset I was that he couldn’t even reply to shed some light on whether or not we were meeting! He didn’t read the messages – then I sent him a ‘Sorry X’ and he read them. I was chatting to my friends crying about how upset I was that he’s with this new girl and how I’ve completely blown my chances with him πŸ™ They told me to move on, forget him and to block him or at least delete him on Facebook. I so nearly did, then found this article. What would you say I should do now? Anything different in light of my particular situation, or should I just follow your advice above? πŸ™‚

    1. Jo

      June 24, 2017 at 4:25 pm

      Thank you Amor πŸ™‚ Ok, sounds like a good plan! I’m a bit confused about this ‘trying to move on but not fully moving on’ idea. Is it just moving on, without deleting him on social media? I’ve been on other dates & been out and about meeting new people a lot since we stopped seeing each other (on my days off, I now plan to do things and I’ve been having days out with new friends & getting back into my drawings & painting, which I’d neglected when I was originally seeing the guy – I feel a lot calmer and orientated than I did straight after the break-off; friends & hobbies really do help!) and recently, which I’ve not said already, I was actually seeing someone else for 3 weeks, but then that finished, hence why I’m back to square one having all these feelings for this guy again πŸ™ (I liked him much more than the new guy anyway – although the new guy really did take my mind right off him so it was good and a shame it ended really, even though it was fairly casual; probably would call it a rebound!). The annoying thing is that the guy I was seeing never let me take pictures of him; it could’ve been cool if I was able to, as I could’ve popped a few on Facebook and it would’ve shown the original guy I was moving on! I’ve just arranged another date as I’m still out dating, so fingers crossed maybe I’ll meet someone else and that will help. Is the moving on but not fully, basically moving on, but keeping in touch (i.e. reaching out every month or so & liking Facebook posts occasionally etc) but strictly as friends with your ex? xx

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 28, 2017 at 5:39 pm

      Moving on without fully moving on means preparing yourself and your routines if you dont get him back.. That way, you’re making effort to build rapport but if it doesn’t work, you’ll just continue with your life and move on

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 23, 2017 at 9:24 pm

      You can try the advice above but you can’t pretend to be moving on.. that’s why Chris says to move on without fully moving on.. because if you pretend, it will show in your actions.

  8. nor

    June 22, 2017 at 12:42 am

    hai chris,
    so what does this means.i do no contact first or directly go to being there method.please help i’m lost.i just broke up with my ex-bf 2 days ago.i who the one who initiate the break up because i found out he has been seeing someone else a few weeks now, in which we previously broke up and got back together.it seems he wants to keep both but i lessen his options and withdraw myself from his shenanigans.i’m already in 2 days no contact with him.please clarify what i should do next.tq

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 23, 2017 at 7:51 pm

      Do the no contact rule first.

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